Fantasy league 2019 -- week 3 recap

WR Antonio Brown was released by the Patriots on Friday, after the team decided for the first time in nearly 20 years that they should have some sort of ethics or morality. But despite the sudden nature of his departure, it’s not too early to speculate whether he was the greatest New England receiver of all time. Consider:

** Brown caught a TD pass in every single game he played for the Patriots.
** Brown never recorded fewer than 50 receiving yards in a game he played with the team.
** Brown averaged 5.0 yds per rush with the team.
** With Brown on the field, QB Tom Brady never threw a single interception.
** The Patriots won every game Brown played by an average of 43 pts.

That’s a pretty clear resume of success. I just hope that, as the next few months unfold and Brown faces an uncertain future full of legal troubles, the public doesn’t forget that Antonio Brown ABSOLUTELY WAS A MEMBER OF THE PATRIOTS and the staff should always be remembered as working hard to make sure he proudly wore the colors of their franchise. When he goes into Canton (the Canton football Hall of Fame or the Canton municipal jail, whichever comes first), he should still be wearing that Patriots’ jersey for his enshrining/incarceration.

QB: Russell Wilson, 45.34 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Mike Evans, 34.67 pts — started by Mike
RB: Mark Ingram, 32.43 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Greg Olsen, 20.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
K: Matt Gay, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 22.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Shaquil Barrett, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Barrett, whom you never heard of before this moment, had four sacks on Sunday in the Bucs’ game against the Giants and now sits at 8 sacks so far this year. He’s on pace for 42 for the season. It’s worth noting that the NFL record for sacks in a season is 22, held by three different players. None of them are Michael Strahan, who has 22.5 sacks in 2001 when his buddy Brett Favre rolled over at the end of the last game of the regular season to help him unfairly break that mark.

Anyways, Barrett is on pace to almost double that.

If you had Russell Wilson in your “Who will be the first QB to pass for 400 yds, rush for two TDs and still lose a game” pool, congrats. You can collect your money any day this week.


“New England Patriots” edition

3rd place: Jonathan Jones, 0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Gunner Olszewski, -1.12 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jarrett Stidham, -1.44 pts — on the wire

Things have been going pretty well for the Patsies of late (off to a 3-0 start against three of the worst teams in the NFL) but it’s important to remember that not everything is perfect. For example, backup QB Stidham saw his first action of the year on Sunday during mop-up work at the end and promptly threw the first interception of his career, earning him the bottom of the worst performers list this week. So, take that, New England.

** Last Friday, Browns Coach Freddie Kitchens (his actual Christian name, not a mob nickname) was asked about his team’s mediocre rushing attack so far this season. “I would love to get (RB) Nick (Chubb) more touches,” was his reply.

If only someone who relay that information to the coach so he could do something about that. Oh, wait …

** The Philly Inquirer this week reported that in the offseason, Eagles Coach Doug Pederson handed out T-shirts to the entire team that read “Everything Matters,” to remind the team that little details can be the difference between winning and losing.

No word if the team has switched to new T-shirts this week that read “Anything Matters” to remind the players to do something positive on the football field this week.

** Asked after Monday Night’s loss whether he would consider benching QB Case Keenum next week, Maryland Racial Slurs Coach Jay Gruden said Kennum would keep the job because “I think the most important thing is we have to have some continuity. I can't be changing people every five minutes here.”

Keenum had five turnovers on Monday (three interceptions, two fumbles) and the team is off to a 0-3 start. If they can just lose the next three in a row, they’ll be on their way to some impressive continuity.

Saturday’s Ohio State/Miami of Ohio contest started out interesting — the Redhawks held a 5-0 late in the first quarter — but took a more predictable turn as the Buckeyes scored the next 76 pts unanswered to win by 71. In fact, the game got so out of hand that when it started thundering with 2:40 left in the fourth quarter, the referees suspended play and ended the game there.

But should they have? What if Miami of Ohio protested the move and continued the game a few hours later without informing the Buckeyes. Could they have come back to win if they took the field alone, with 160 seconds left on the clock? Let’s gameplan it:

** 2:40 — The Redhawks face a second and 9 from their own 14-yard line. They hand off to their tailback, who races up the middle of the field (where Buckeyes should be playing, but are now back home sitting on their couches) and goes 87 yards for the touchdown. Last season, Chargers RB Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run against the Patriots that took 15 seconds, so let’s assume with no defense that Miami of Ohio can do it just as fast. This leaves 145 seconds in the game, with the score 76-11.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks rush up the middle for a two-point conversion. This is an untimed down, so no time comes off the clock. The score is now 76-13.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks attempt an onside kick. The clock starts when the opposing team touches the ball. If the kicking team recovers the ball, it’s down at the spot of recovery and no time comes off the clock. Since no opposing team is on the field, the Redhawks are assured of getting the ball without wasting any time. They kick off from their own 35-yard line, pooch it about 25 yards downfield to the opposite 40-yard line, and recover it.

** 2:25 — On first and 10, the Redhawks hand off to their second-string RB (their starter is still gassed from the 87-yard run) and he takes 10 seconds to go 40 yards into the end zone. After the successful, untimed two-point conversion, the score is 76-21.

** 2:15 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-29.

** 2:05 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-37.

** 1:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-45.

** 1:40 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-53. However, all that running has started to take a toll on the team. Even with backups coming in, the handoffs and 40-yard dashes in full gear has started to slow down some.

** 1:25 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-61.

** 1:10 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-69.

** 0:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-77. They recover one more onside kick, then kneel on the ball twice to bleed out the rest of the clock. Miami of Ohio wins by one point with just under a minute to spare.

It’s a totally realistic scenario, and shows exactly why every single second of every game should be played. You never know what can happen.


Usually I like to focus on current Dallas players here, but this week the Cowboys made a surprise move to dump their former first-round pick Vidauntae "Taco" Charlton after a playing time dispute. It made me wonder — can we learn anything from former Cowboy players? What do the cosmic forces spell out in their names that help us understand the cesspool that is the Dallas franchise?

Luckily, Taco did not disappoint.

Cowboys release former top pick Defensive End Taco Charlton
** Free at last of dopes, I cry! Evil corps breed cannot choke me now.


There must be no greater joy in life than escaping from the clutches of those depths of darkness. I wish Taco all the best in his new home in … (checks notes) .. he just signed with the Dolphins so nevermind, he’s just gonna get his brains beat in and lose every week. Tough break.
** Dropped three of four AGAIN to Dad this week, putting me six down already in our yearly picks contest. At this rate, I’ll be eliminated for the season in week 8, just before the Eagles are.

** If you somehow missed the Philly fire hero who threw shade at a certain Eagles wideout during a TV interview, please take a moment to fix that.

** Baseball season ended a month ago, why do you ask?

Week 3 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 397.26 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 371.40 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.06 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 362.73 pts
5 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 350.77 pts
6 — SoccerSeasonOrphans (Paul), 348.20 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 346.12 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 340.97 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 334.71 pts
10 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 326.84 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 284.81 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

Joey McD remains off the scoreboard, but it’s worth noting that two of his bench players recorded tackles this week. I did my best to fill the roster with players that were injured or not on any teams at the time of the draft, but two of them — Bengals RB Samaje Perine and Saints RB Dwayne Washington — were later signed and saw special teams action this weekend. Another of Joey’s starters, Lions WR Marvin Hall, was on the field for the Eagles game on Sunday but did not record any stats. Still, we’re inching ever closer to the dead team accidentally scoring some points.

In less exciting league news, we have a change at the top of the leaderboard. My team’s gawd-awful showing this week (82 pts!) dropped me out of first, and Anthony’s 145 pts jumped him into the pole position. Also posting huge weeks were Mike (up four spots in the standings), Jeff (up two spots) and Dad (up three spots), while Sam saw the biggest plummet, dropping six places this week alone. Still, one through 10 feels very bunched up, with less than 72 pts between them.

Remember to get those rosters set early for the Eagles/Packers game on Thursday night, which I’m sure won’t feel like an unbearable slog after both teams had to fly across the country on Monday because of the NFL’s insatiable appetite for more ratings.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 2 recap

** Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw for 56 TDs and 6,568 yds this year (7 TDs and 821 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (55 TDs and 5,477 yds by Peyton Manning in 2013).

** Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook is on pace to rush for 2,120 yds this year (265 yds through two games) which would break the single-season record (2,105 yds by Eric Dickerson in 1983).

** Bengals WR John Ross III (who you have never heard of before) is on pace to collect 24 TDs and 2,160 yds this year (3 TDs and 270 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (23 TDs by Randy Moss in 2007 and 1,924 yds by Calvin Johnson in 2012).

** New England WR Antonio Brown is on pace to have 16 felony-level accusations against him this season (two through two games), which would tie the single-season record (held by multiple Cowboys players).

** Giants QB Eli Manning (0-2 in two starts this season, just benched for next week) is on pace to never win another NFL game, ever.

 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 39.62 pts — started by Dad
WR: Demarcus Robinson, 26.97 pts — on the wire
RB: Dalvin Cook, 25.37 pts — started by Ant
TE: Vance McDonald, 18.03 pts — on my bench
K: Joey Slye, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 42.00 pts — started by me
D: Jamie Collins Sr., 13.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t feel too bad about my TE mistake — I started the #2 QB on the week (Lamar Jackson, 34.88 pts) and the defense with the best fantasy performance of any team in the last seven years (yes, I checked). The 42 pts from the stinking lousy cheating Patriots included seven sacks, four interceptions, two defensive TDs and zero pts allowed. In other news, the Dolphins offense is not good.

Mahomes gets the top QB scoring spot for his one quarter of work this week. The Chiefs scored all of their 28 pts in the second quarter, all on long TD passes by the reigning MVP. On the CBS broadcast, announcer Jim Nantz said it was only the third time in NFL history a QB has thrown four TD passes of more than 25-yds each in a single quarter. “The other two were Norm van Brocklin and Tom Brady, in 2009,” he said. Fellow booth announcer Tony Romo immediately jumped in and said, “Wow, I’m surprised van Brocklin could still do that in 2009!”

Don’t try and make me like you, Romo. I'm not taking you off the "worst performers" banner.


“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Corey Clement, 0.04 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Drew Brees, -0.48 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -1.84 pts — on the wire

Speaking of that Dolphins offense...

Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw three interceptions against 11 completions during Sunday’s massacre, including those two picks returned for touchdowns. That means it’s time to once again pull out my favorite stat, the reverse QB rating.

Fitzmagic, as his friends call him, went 11 of 21 for 89 yds and three INTs passing to his fellow Miami teammates, for a QB rating of 23.8. But, if you assume he was actually playing for New England, then he went 3 of 21 for 123 yds with 11 INTs but also two TDs, which is a reverse QB rating of 43.7. And for comparison, your QB rating Sunday (1 attempt, zero yds, zero TDs, zero INTs) was 39.6. So Fitzpatrick was nearly twice as good of a QB for the team he was playing against than his own squad. Solid work out there this week, buddy.

Also, not for nothing, but Drew Brees being among the fantasy losers for the week is one of the signs of the end times.

** Headline from PhillyVoice this week, about the lackluster crowds at Citizens Bank Park of late: Why don't Phillies fans seem to care about a team in the thick of a playoff race?

I’m not sure why the author assumes that Philadelphia fans would care about the Braves or the Dodgers, or what that has to do with going to watch baseball locally. Very weird premise.

EDIT: Oh I see the column is supposing that the PHILLIES are in the playoff race hahaha that’s hilarious they’re 15 games out of first place and half a week behind in the second wild card. They need to go 6-8 to close out the year just to have a winning record. They are in no way, shape, or form in the thick of the playoff race.

** For once, NBC color commentator Chris Collinsworth beat me to the joke.

During Sunday night’s Eagles game, late in the fourth, as the Eagles lined up for a two-point conversion attempt, Collinsworth noted that “there aren’t a lot of players on the field right now who normally practice this play.” Several Eagles starters, including WRs Alshon Jeffery and DeSean Jackson, were on the sideline injured. “I don’t know if these guys are familiar with this situation.”

Then QB Carson Wentz threw a strike to TE Zach Ertz, the most targeted player on the Eagles offense. Collinsworth, realizing his mistake, quickly added, “Oh, well there’s that guy.”

** In another injury from from that mess of an Eagles game, DT Timmy Jernigan suffered a broken foot. He is expected to be out four to six weeks, according to team doctors.

Look, I’m no team doctor, but I’m also pretty sure the team doctors aren’t medically licensed personnel either. Because if you think that a 300-pound man can get back to running at full speed -- with an extra 30 pounds of protective equipment on his head and shoulders (but not his foot, of course) — within one month, you’re either a quack or a wizard. And if you’re a wizard, why can’t you heal him sooner?

On Saturday, the Maryland Terrapins accomplished something very few football teams have managed in the last 100 years or so — They lost a game despite recording two defensive safeties. The Temple Owls won the contest 20-17 despite giving up 4 points on a pair of balls tossed out the back of the end zone (once on a botched punt snap, once on purpose with no time left in the 4th quarter).

College football does not keep good stats on teams recording safeties, but the NFL keeps copious notes on all scoring, available on NFL.com. That lead me down the following rabbit hole:

** 18 times in NFL history a team has recorded two safeties in a game.
** Of those 18 times, one was a three-safety performance by the LA Rams in 1984, which still stands as the single-game record.
** Of those 18 times, only once has a team recorded two safeties and lost. That was the Bills, who lost 12-10 to the Texans in 2003 despite 4 points from their defense.
** The New York Giants have the most two-safety games, with three. But they were also the team to give up three safeties in a game to the Rams in 1984, so …
** All of the above statements may be false because I found mistakes in the NFL’s official record keeping online.

Yeah, about that last point …

In that list of 18 games, the NFL has two contests — Oakland vs. San Diego on Oct. 26, 1975, and Denver vs. Seattle on Jan. 2, 1983 — where there were no safeties. I checked the box scores. It’s just a straight mistake. So that may mean there are only 16 games where two safeties occured, or it could mean the NFL is really really lazy about recording safety stats.

For the record, back in 2004 — before most of these records were online — I wrote up for G-money a seven-page analysis of the previous decade on whether teams that score safeties lose more often than they win (spoiler alert: They don’t, unless they’re the Eagles. Overall teams won 60 percent of their games. In games involving the Eagles, teams that scored a safety went 3-6). The point is I may be a little obsessed with safety stats and disheartened that they aren’t kept better.

I also may or may not have started looking for an email on NFL.com where I could ask for a correction to the mistake, but then stopped because I thought I could probably just find the answer myself, then figured out a way to isolate the 577 NFL games in history that has a safety, then looked through about 30 box scores because I realized I had lost my mind and needed to get started on the anagram.

By the way, teams that score a safety are 1-1 in the NFL so far this year.


Dallas has six new faces on its starting roster this year, including UCF grad Trysten Hill on their defensive line. This week, the Dallas coaching staff praised him as a good fit for the team so far, a rising star within their system. Is that because of his exemplary line play? Of course not, it has to do with the complete lack of morals and ethics he has shown thus far. That should come as no surprise, however, given the clear horrors that the letters in his name spell out:

Cowboys new Defensive Tackle Trysten Hill
** I feel the crowd’s blackness intently. Very ow.
** Evil is thy wont. Let neck be a cry of lewdness.
** Tell cheesy TV: I wickedly feast on newborns

After several years of doing this, it’s honestly difficult to keep “evil” out of these anagrams. It just comes up over and over and over ...

** Dropped three of four to Dad this week, so like Miami I’m already way behind in the standings before October rolls around. I’m four back after two weeks, putting me on pace to finish 32 games behind. So that would still be better than the Dolphins, but not by much.

** When I went back to check on that 2012 defensive scoring stat from earlier, I also stumbled across a week 16 post from that season where I complained that ESPN was airing “a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football.” So apparently seven years is not enough time to calm my anger over this. Oh well, maybe next year.

** Bills QB Josh Allen, fresh off beating the Giants and Jets the first two weeks this season, was asked by a Giants beat reporter if he had extra motivation in the games because he wasn’t drafted by one of the New York teams last year. His response: “I do play in New York,” and later “There is only one team that plays in New York,” taking a shot at the New Jersey home for the other two teams.

In related news, I want the Bills to make the playoffs now.

Week 2 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 288.88 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 252.30 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 241.70 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 233.74 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 226.77 pts
6 — The Underachievers (Paul), 223.97 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 217.34 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 216.79 pts
9 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 203.48 pts
10 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 201.21 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 195.92 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

I feel like Joey isn’t even trying here...

Solid work by Jo, who jumps up to bronze medal position despite killing two QBs so far (Nick Foles and Ben Roethlisberger). She’s starting Matt Stafford against the Eagles next week, so my condolences to his family.

The Carson Wentz/Julio Jones show Sunday night pushed Anthony’s team to the top of the also-rans pile, but that ridiculous New England defense score pushed my lead even further, giving me an early 36-pts cushion (or, as we call it in the business, one Mahomes).

At the other end, Mom D is no longer in the cellar, thanks to Joel’s decision to bench Odell Beckham and his 19.73 pts and David Njoku’s untimely demise in Monday night’s football game (zero catches, one concussion).

Remember to set your rosters early, because that exciting Jaguars/Titans match up you’ve been screaming for takes place on Thursday night.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 1 recap

 

Jaguars QB Nick Foles’ broken clavicle is quite possibly the most upsetting sports injury to a non-Eagles player in Philadelphia history, and that’s because deep down many of us still see the 2018 Super Bowl MVP as part of the flock. It was tough to see him in another uniform, but I was hoping to see him succeed and maybe cause me some rooting issues down the line if the two teams ever played. Now he'll spend most of the year on the sideline, and it's not even the Eagles sideline where we're used to seeing him.

But the injury also brings up another painful reality — that for all his magic and QB mastery, Foles’ superpowers seem confined to a Philadelphia-based fan experience. His time with the Rams was awful, his time with the Chiefs was without any relevance, his time in Jacksonville is already off to a terrible start. Even in college, he had good but not great numbers. Compare that to the QB who tied the NFL’s single-game TD record, tied the NFL’s single-game completion record, led the league in passer rating in 2013, and posted one of the greatest Super Bowl performances ever by a QB (including a one-yard TD reception). It doesn’t even feel like the same guy.

So for Nick Foles to succeed, he has to be tied to Philly. And the Eagles have already made their choice to back QB Carson Wentz (who looked great this week, by the way). So there is only one obvious solution to the situation.

We’re gonna need a second NFL team in Philadelphia.

Think about it — the league has been trying to move the Jaguars for years anyways. If any city can support two football teams, it’s the rabid Philly fan base. You think Vegas has better fans than the City of Brotherly Love? If they are getting two, why can’t us? And if you’re worried about having to crawl out of the shadows of the Eagles … I HAVE A FAMILIAR SUPER BOWL MVP RIGHT HERE TO GET YOU ON THE BANDWAGON.

It’s a win-win. Philly gets more football. The Eagles probably have to drop ticket prices to keep fans interested. Nick Foles gets to play at an All-Star level for another 50 years. The Jacksonville fans don't have to feel bad about ignoring football every week. Everyone is happy.

Get on it, Goodell.

 

QB: Lamar Jackson, 43.56 pts — started by me
WR: Sammy Watkins, 35.70 pts — on Joel’s bench
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 35.30 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 17.73 pts — started by Mike
K: Harrison Butker, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: (tie) San Francisco, 28.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Tennessee, 28.00 pts — on the wire
D: C.J. Mosley, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Five wideouts recorded at least 100 yds and two TDs this weekend and two more missed the yardage mark by just a catch or two. That meant that even though Eagles WR DeSean Jackson dominated in his return to Philadelphia (Eight catches for 154 yds and two TDs), he wasn’t even in the top two in fantasy scoring at his position. Watkins line of nine catches for 198 yds was more than he accumulated over the last nine weeks of 2018 (six of which he was injured) and his three TDs were the same he had in all of 2018, across 12 regular season and playoff games.

San Francisco’s defense had more TDs (two interceptions returned for scores) than their offense did (one third-quarter TD pass) or Bucs QB Jameis Winston managed (one TD pass to his team, two to the Niners’ secondary). So that’s a way to win a game.


“New QBs” edition

3rd place: Ryan Tannehill, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Daniel Jones, -0.32 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -1.80 pts — on the wire

It’s always sad to see a New Jersey Giants QB on the list of the worst players of the week, but Jones — the eventual replacement for Eli Manning — managed just 17 yds passing, 5 yds rushing and a lost fumble in his debut against the Cowboys. But he’s only just learning to twist his face into dopey shapes like his predecessor, so give him time.

Not to be overlooked on the bad moves of the week, Mike opened up the season starting the Jacksonville defense and their -6.00 pts performance against Watkins and the Chiefs. That’s the lowest score possible for a team defense in this league. He also started an injured kicker along with them, giving him a pretty solid knock for his special teams squad to start off the year.

** The NFL opened on Thursday evening with, naturally, a “special Thursday night edition of Sunday Night Football on NBC,” always one of my favorite stupid football phrases each year. But then during the broadcast, Al Michaels had the audacity to urge viewers to tune back in three days later for “the 2019 debut of Sunday Night Football.”

So, which is it? Was the Thursday night game Sunday Night Football or wasn’t it? They can’t both be the first episode. Make up you mind already on this time-travel word salad.

** Early in Sunday’s Eagles/Maryland Racial Slurs game, Fox analyst Charles Davis wondered if QB Carson Wentz’ decision to skip the pre-season lead to the team’s slow start. “You just have to ask whether he was ready for this, and if that’s why the Eagles are down here,” he said.

Only problem was he said it at the start of the Eagles second possession, with the team down 10-0. I guess Wentz could have worked out more as a defensive back in the pre-season to help the defense play better, but it’s hard to condemn his preparation strategy for not scoring on the very first possession of the year.

Wentz finished with 313 yds and three TDs against no turnovers, so I think it’s pretty safe to say his day was a failure for not having enough of that in the first five minutes.

** With a 35-3 lead in the SECOND QUARTER of the Baltimore/Miami game, the Ravens lined up inside their own 40-yard line for a punt … and decided to pull a fake, rushing 60 yards to set up their sixth touchdown of the game. When asked why a trick play was needed there, coach John Harbaugh said, “That’s what we do. There was a lot of time left in the game.”

For the record, the largest comeback in NFL history was the 32 pts the Bills overcame in the 1993 playoffs. That was before the two-point conversion era, so I guess it’s reasonable to think that anything less than five TDs plus five is an unsafe lead.

With the Patriots demolishing the Steelers on Sunday night, and with WR Antonio Brown set to join New England this week, many NFL fans are bemoaning the idea of another dominant football season for the most insufferable sports city in America. (They probably won’t notice, given that the Red Sox aren’t good this year). But is it possible that adding one of the top wideouts in the league will actually hurt the Patriots’ championship chances? Consider these possibilities:

** The Steelers are actually still paying for part of Brown’s contract this year, so it’s possible he is a double-agent who has gone into New England to bring the team down from the inside.
** It also could be that Brown is certifiably crazy, and his erratic behavior destabilizes the rest of his new locker room.
** Now that QB Tom Brady has arguably the best receiving corps of his career, there’s a chance the team throws more than ever and Brady’s arm falls off in week 7.
** The last time the Patriots essentially stole a Pro-Bowl wideout from the Raiders, they went 16-0 in the regular season but ended up losing the Super Bowl to an NFC East team with a young QB in his fourth year. So …
** Brown likes to wear a lot of gold chains and jewelry, so there is always a chance that extra bit of metal will attract a meteor to wipe out Gillette Stadium.

Or, you know, maybe Brown could get accused of a serious crime and be a gigantic distraction to his new team. But what are the odds of that?


Dallas opened their regular season with star RB returning to the team after a lengthy contract dispute. The time away from the team did not seem to hurt his performance, rushing for 53 yds and one TD. But still unanswered is the question of what Elliott did while he was supposed to be with the Cowboys in the pre-season. Luckily, the answer is easy to see in the words themselves:

Running Back Ezekiel Elliott’s holdout
** Libelous neck-hunting zero killed a tot
** Unintelligent killer hob ate zoo ducks
** Little klutz loins rebuked a cooing hen
** Loser zit ghoul tinkled on a nice tub elk
** Unblocked lionizing leek shot a turtle

Those activities are actually what they do in Cowboys training camp anyway, so I guess the absence didn’t really matter.

** A new year and the same song for me in the weekly picks against Dad. I’m already down two. I feel like every year I have to relearn to never put my faith in an Atlanta sports team. Good luck in the post-season, Braves!

** Houston beat Seattle 21-1 on Sunday. No, that’s not a typo. And yes, the Texans played on Monday night. I’m not sure who the Astros have at QB, but being able to put up TDs in a baseball game is a real advantage.

** I had a whole section on this weekend’s serious shoulder injuries all typed out but it really, really wasn’t funny.

Week 1 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 147.97 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 140.89 pts
3 — 20 Characters or les (Paul), 140.10 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 125.23 pts
5 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 124.36 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 122.54 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 104.29 pts
8 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 102.75 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 101.32 pts
10 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 97.56 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 97.54 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

The good news is that no one was upstaged by Joey McDeadAccount.

Solid work by our returning champ and Paul (whose strategy of constantly changing his team name is one I have adopted in my other league, infuriating the other owners), but I’m happy to see that this season began as it should, with me at the top. Imagine if I had started DeSean Jackson and a defense that got more than zero pts (thanks, Denver!).

Only two teams missed the 100-pts mark this week, and only by a hair (It’s OK, Mom, it’s a long season). We've got three distinct tiers in the standings right now but it’s too early to draw any real conclusions, other than you all have work to do to catch me.

Since it’s a new season, here’s your weekly reminder that the NFL hates you and there is a Thursday night game (or a special Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football’s night football on a Thursday), so get your rosters set. The game is Bucs vs the Panthers, so it’s an easy one to forget about.

Fantasy league 2019 -- preseason predictions

The draft is over, the teams are ready, and your future is already decided. Here’s how the next few months will unfold:

Team: I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 285.46 pts
Real finish: 12th, 0 pts
Just a public FYI here — I really didn’t want anyone’s team to be ruined by drafting Andrew Luck in the first round, so I found a way to stop that. Good old Joey McDeadAccount has a team of keepers that includes Luck, Lamar Miller and other players on the IR for the season, to help keep any of those from slipping through the autodraft system. Amazingly, Yahoo still seems to think that some of these players will return from the grave to score about 300 pts. As always, Yahoo is wrong. But if one of these players happens to turn into a relevant fantasy asset, I’ll cut them loose.

Team: Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 2150.11 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1755.43 pts
Another swing and miss by Yahoo. Sam’s squad is dependent on RB Ezekiel Elliott (currently holding out), QB Cam Newton (one play away from major injury), WR Christian Kirk (overrated player on an overrated offense) and RB Derrick Henry (always a disappointment). Plus he has Dak Prescott lurking, and two prominent Cowboys gets you a low ranking in the pre-season projections.

Team: Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1855.48 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1805.48 pts
Joel’s bid for a third consecutive strong season will apparently take place without any running backs. He only has three on his roster, and only one of them — Kerryon Johnson — is on the same team as last year. Miles Sanders is a rookie, LeSean McCoy just got cut from the Bills. Can Joel win with shaky QB Jameis Winston and a collection of solid receivers? I mean, it didn’t work for the Bucs last year, so…

Team: Peabody and Sherman (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 2161.96 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1865.56 pts
It’s the all question mark team! Will RB Melvin Gordon play? Will RB Todd Gurley’s arthritic knees hold up? Will RB Marlon Mack survive in an offense without Andrew Luck? Who are all these WRs (DJ Moore, Corey Davis, Sterling Shepard)? How is 727-year-old TE Kyle Rudolph still alive? I’d drop Dad’s projection down lower, but he snagged QB Pat Mahomes, and that alone is enough to keep him out of the bottom spot. Maybe.

Team: SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1943.33 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1934.44 pts
Something about this team feels off. RBs Saquon Barkley and Chris Carson are a formidable 1-2 punch. QB Matt Ryan and WR Mike Evans are both solid. Maybe the problem is that Mike ended up with three TEs? Or maybe I just hate Leonard Fournette that much and I think his infectious sucking will pull everyone else down. Also, Mike drafted a DE named Lenny Jones, and that was the runner up name for my fake account.

Team: Philly Special (Jo)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 2074.27 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1999.98 pts
The important thing here is that Joanna put her money where her mouth is — she made sure to snag QB Nick Foles as her top passer because winning matters. I mean, it doesn’t in fantasy, but it does in your heart (unless your heart is playing fantasy). She also boasts two top five wideouts — JuJu Smith-Schuster and DeAndre Hopkins — and the one-and-only TE Zack Ertz. There’s not much to speak about on the RB front, but we’ve seen Foles overcome that before.

Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1952.10 pts
Real finish: 6th, 2001.97 pts
Having RB Nick Chubb and QB Baker Mayfield on the same squad feels like too much Cleveland, but at least the franchise is known for consistent success. WRs Tyreek Hill and Keenan Allen are the best combo west of the Mississippi, and S Clayton Fejedelem has the most fun name now that DT Aziz Shittu is on injured reserve (you didn’t know he was hurt? I Shittu not.) Jeff is probably not going to update his roster for half the season, but at least his baseline starters are solid.

Team: We love the mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1986.63 pts
Real finish: 5th, 2051.01 pts
For a team that loves the dirt, there’s a lack of RBs here. David Johnson and Devonta Freeman are solid, but Mom is only sporting one other runner on her squad (Derrius Guice, who has never played a down before). Her WR stable is scary though — Michael Thomas, TY Hilton, Tyler Lockett and Mike Williams could all finish in the top 15, and Marvin Jones and Geronimo Allison could be starters on another team. K Ka'imi Fairbairn and LB Nick Kwiatkoski help her out in the crazy name Olympics but Fejedelem still seems so much more fun…

Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 2010.85 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2087.21 pts
Anthony did the perfect coupling of his team name and his roster, grabbing Carson Wentz in the 8th round (for shame, all of you). He has an Amari-Cooper-sized issue at WR, but wideouts Julio Jones and Stefon Diggs should help moderate that. RB Dalvin Cook will be great if he can stay alive past week 3 and RB Duke Johnson is suddenly the top dog in a potent Texans offense. And if he gets in trouble, Ant has Trey Burton on the bench to thrown in for a trick play or two.

Team: McKnown or Never (Capt Awesome)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 2027.95 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2112.21 pts
Now we’re talking. Three stud RBs — James Conner, Lev Bell and Josh Jacobs — paired with QB Lamar Jackson means I should lead the league in rushing yards. And that’s really what we’re all after here, isn’t it? My wideout trio of Robert Woods, Jarvis Landry and Alshon Jeffery should all be pro-bowlers by year’s end. And I’ll probably cut RB Jordan Howard and WR DeSean Jackson in the first month of the season, because who needs frustrating complimentary Eagles players with so many other solid starters.

Team: Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 2051.85 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2230.77 pts
Do I like Bob’s team? Or am I just trolling him into another disappointing finish? I think his top three of RB Christian McCaffery, WR Antonio Brown and WR Adam Thielen may be underrated. QB Jared Goff is going to have a lot of TDs. The Chicago Defense is the most reliable thing on the other side of the ball, and WR Dede Westbrook and RB Kenyand Drake coming off the bench will surprise. The only downside is his selection of the dessicated corpse of QB Tom Brady, who we all hope will retire before November.

Team: Ready 4 TACKLEBALL (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 2017.22 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2255.88 pts
Congrats to Paul on getting my kiss of death — This team looks great. Two solid RBs (Alvin Kamara and Joe Mixon), a top-tier QB (Deshaun Watson), a sneaky WR base (Julian Edelman and Robby Anderson) and two more wild-card players with big potential (Damien Williams and Josh Gordon). Throw QB phenom Kyler Murray on the bench and a few lucky breaks in the back end (I guess Devin Singletary is the starting RB in Buffalo now?) and you have the recipe for success here. Just gotta ditch the loser Dallas kicker.

That's it, folks. The games start on Thursday, so get your affairs in order by then. And in case you need a reminder what you're fighting for, here it is:

Fantasy league 2019 -- draft order announcement

Folks, I know it has been a hard off-season, living under the yoke of Anthony’s tyrannical rule as the surprising Awesome Cup champion from last year. Along the way, we’ve face hardships. We had to say goodbye to Nick Foles. Andrew Luck decided he doesn’t want to play with us anymore. Jay Ajayi and Nate Sudfeld were both fed to wolves (probably). And the Phillies have done just enough to make you suffer all summer long without turning off the TV forever.

But I have good news for you all: Your pain and anguish is about to end. After almost eight months of waiting, fantasy football is officially back. Now is your opportunity to pull Anthony down from his high perch. Now is the time to vanquish the demons of the long, barren football-less months. Now is the time to reclaim the kind of glory that can only be earned through random picking of professional athlete stats.

Welcome back to the annual quest for the Awesome Cup.

The long battle ahead starts again this year with the awesome children ready to pick names out of a hat under the rules outlined in our much beloved modified NBA draft order system. Everyone’s proxies are ready, the first four names go into the breach, and the unlucky first one out is …

Pick #11 — Ant
The system works! Last year’s victor gets the worst starting post for the upcoming season. The boy child asks if this means his godparents will be angry with him. I tell him that Anthony is a vengeful winner and he was likely to snap regardless the outcome. This brings no solace to the kid. Ant’s representative at tonight’s draft, a knock-off version of the Phillie Phanatic, tips over in ambivalence.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #10 — Capt. Awesome
Dammit, who came up with this stupid system anyway? My proxy, a Chase Utley bobblehead, just shakes his head in disappointment. The girl child asks if she’ll be allowed to sleep inside tonight or if it means another night on the porch. I tell her the porch sound too generous.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #9 — Joel
Tough break for last year’s fourth-place finisher, who also slides down one spot in the picks. His stand-in, a Darth Vader stuffed doll, tries to use the force to make a change in the order, but only manages to inspire the boy child to ask how far Ohio is. That’s not relevant right now, I tell him.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #8 — Mom D
I inform the girl child that now she has screwed over two family members, and she laughs uncontrollably. I don’t think she understands this is the worst possible pick that grandmom could have gotten here, dropping four spots. Mom’s representative, a stack of Uno cards, shamelessly tries to play a Reverse. We move on.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #7 — Jo
Now it’s the boy child’s turn to turn the screws on a family member. Jo’s proxy, a copy of Sal Paolatonio’s “Philly Special,” ignores the bad news. Joanna, on the other hand, asks why she needs a proxy when she’s already in the room. We ignore her distractions.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #6 — Pop Shane
The girl child could not be happier that she is causing chaos in the family, as Dad slips down spot spots relative to last year’s disappointing finish. His stand-in, a DVD of the 1950s Superman cartoons, knocks down a building in disgust. The girl asks if we can go visit Pop now. I tell her tonight may be bad timing.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #5 — Sam
Good news for Sam, who moves up two spots and probably gets a shot at one of the few premiere RBs on the board now. His proxy, a PacMan shaped Atari emulator, gazes ahead knowingly. The boy child asks if he’s allowed to go do something fun now. He is immediately handed a copy of the Eagles encyclopedia and told there will be a test in 20 minutes.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #4 — Jeff
The girl is officially the angel of death for this draft — every single name she pulled out dropped lower than their projected pick based on last year’s finish. Jeff ended up at the bottom of the pile last season but gets the fourth pick because, reasons. His representative, a copy of the congressional record, offers dozens of pages of filibustering response before we move on.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #3 — Paul
And now we get to the source of all our problems. Paul finished second last year and should be picking up in my spot. But I guess his slip of paper had something slick on it, because he jumped up seven spots all the way to the bronze medal post. His stand-in, a set of three Eagles rally towels, celebrate in their solitary way.

Only two slips left, and the next name out is …

Pick #2 — Bob
The professor has a chance at a good start this year thanks to this high pick, but whether all his book-learning will help him remains to be seen. His proxy, a copy of Ulysses that nobody knew was in the room, sits pompously atop the bookshelf celebrating its fate. The girl child asks if there are any more family members that she could pick out, and as a matter of fact, the only name left is …

Pick #1 — Mike
Mike finished second to last in 2018, a rare show of failure for the normally savvy coach. But his incompetence pays off with the number one selection this season, setting up his team for success this go-round. His representative, an old Brian Westbrook jersey, sprints around the room in excitement. Or maybe that was the children, running away because they are finally free of this exercise.

There you have it, folks. I’ll enter the draft order this Friday night and draft our teams sometime before the Labor Day holiday. I looked over the pre-draft rankings and cannot stress enough how much you need to fix them before the season starts. Right now, they have Andrew Luck ranked #3 overall. He will not score a single point this year. If you don’t fix your rankings, you will be screwed over. This is your final warning.

Glad to have you back in the fight, and godspeed to you all. Don’t let Anthony retake the throne.

A crappy note before we start

As some of you already know, we lost one of our league members earlier this year -- Jim passed away suddenly in June. About half of you were lucky enough to know and meet him, the rest of you only know him from his terrible political themed team names and his occasional shots at the Eagles just to see if he could get me riled up.

Jim was a great guy and one of the most dedicated journalists I ever had a chance to work with. When he passed, the Ohio legislature shut down for a day to honor him -- politicians who hated his tough questioning offered their sincere respect for his voice and fairness. He was a great father, a great friend, and deserves much more praise than I can muster the words for here.

We hadn't emailed as much as we should have over the last few years, but he was always in on this league as a way to keep in touch with Jo and me. He'd find some reason every few months to make fun of the birds or brag about the Steelers (or the Yankees, gawd, he really had no reason for that character flaw) and we'd trade some politics messages on Twitter from time to time. It's hard to think of him not being here for the start of this nonsense again this year.

We'll get back to the silliness and anagrams and everything in the next few days, but I didn't want to start up without at least trying to honor him and thank you all for coming back every year. I'll dust off the Awesome Cup and we'll play one coach short this year, and I'll act as dumb as ever because I like to think that Jim is still gonna roll his eyes at most of these posts. 

Fantasy league 2018 -- final season recap

We’ve had 256 football games, 17 quality insult anagrams and roughly 14,000 “what just happened” fantasy moments this season. But today, the first day of 2019, all of that comes to an end. Our scores have been totaled, our awards are ready to be distributed and the Awesome Cup is as shiny as the day it was forged in the fires of Mount Olympus. Before we crown our new champion, let’s review how all out teams fared in the latest fantasy football marathon:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 1862.84 pts
My projected finish: 8th, 1873.81 pts
Actual finish: 12th, 1554.92 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
I really want to pick on Jeff here, who returned to his normal perch at the bottom of the standings, but his team’s misfortune was less about coaching and more about RB LeVeon Bell, the #2 overall pick who killed countless fantasy teams across America. Jeff held his squad together for a little while this season, but when your top three backs were Bell, Rex Burkhead and Alfred Morris, you’re starting with pretty marginal talent. On the bright side, he did manage to break 1500 pts on the season, finishing about 130 pts over the league’s record-low season point total. So, yay?

SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1851.64 pts
My projected finish: 10th, 1740.17 pts
Actual finish: 11th, 1766.25 pts
NFL equivalent: Oakland Raiders
Now this was a coaching job that would have made Jon Gruden proud. It took Mike about a month to realize he needed to set his roster, and by then RB Royce Freeman and WR Corey Davis had mostly ruined all hope for the season. First-round pick RB Leonard Fournette didn’t help either, and any team that tabs Dak Prescott is lacking in both leadership and morality. Maybe try playing a few Eagles next year instead...

Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 1934.24 pts
My projected finish: 12th, 1645.72 pts
Actual finish: 10th, 1828.81 pts
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
I’m counting this preseason prediction and the last ones as wins for me over Yahoo, putting me at 2-0-1 against the search engine’s football algorithms so far. Bob had the best player in the league in RB Todd Gurley and but a little too much faith in the Eagles. WR Nelson Agholor disappointed, the Birds Defense wasn’t a points scorer, and WR Alshon Jeffery took too long to return to help Bob’s squad. Even former Eagles RB LeSean McCoy hurt his cause. But at least you can’t question his team pride.

Kiss a fish today (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1814.89 pts
My projected finish: 11th, 1701.01 pts
Actual finish: 9th, 1879.01 pts
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants
OK, Yahoo gets that one. Dad’s draft was a mess and QB Jimmy Garoppolo’s untimely death early this season killed his campaign. He tied the league lead for roster moves this season with 36 (more than two a week) but walks away from the year with little more to show for it. Will he learn his lesson and not draft a defense and kicker too early next year? Another question: Can Eli Manning stop making those dopey faces? I think the answer to both is the same.

We Love the Mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 1866.61 pts
My projected finish: 6th, 1944.99 pts
Actual finish: 8th, 1885.41 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
I’m still having trouble figuring out how Mom’s team ended up down here. QB Drew Brees, WR Julio Jones and RB Kareem Hunt should have worked out better (a least until Hunt was kicked out of the league. WR Doug Baldwin and TE Greg Olsen both disappointed. And I actually forgot that WR Michael Crabtree was still in the league, so that didn’t help. In her fourth year coaching, Mom has yet to live up to the expectations of the 4th-place finish of her rookie season. But, like the Browns, there were some signs of hope this go-round, so maybe next year.

Witch Hunting (Jim)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 1749.69 pts
My projected finish: 9th, 1749.68 pts
Actual finish: 7th, 1919.78 pts
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
Unlike the Steelers, Jim’s team didn’t end the season with his star RB and star WR both demanding trades. Like the Steelers, his team did end the season just on the outside of relevance. TE Zach Ertz, WR DeAndre Hopkins and the Chicago defense did all they could to keep him in it, but uneven play from QB Aaron Rodgers coupled with some terrible bench picks (RB Peyton Barber, TE Tyler Eifert, WR Michael Gallup) spelled doom for the squad. Maybe next season both of his teams will be more active on the trading block.

Philly Special (Jo)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 1855.65 pts
My projected finish: 2nd, 2112.09 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 2032.52 pts
NFL equivalent: Minnesota Vikings
Yahoo’s insight with Jo’s team makes it 2-2-3 in my prognostication match-up against the machine. Perhaps the conglomerate’s computers have some knowledge in them after all? (Spoiler alert: they do not.) For Joanna, it’s a season of could-have-beens. She was inside the top three for much of the year, but faltered in the final stretch, like Kirk Cousins in the fourth quarter of a key game. RBs Alvin Kamara and QB DeSean Watson could only help so much. But she was one of a record six teams to break the 2,000-pts barrier this year, albeit the lowest scoring one. If only K Jake Elliott hadn’t missed those few extra pts, she could have finished in first … if we changed the rule to make XPs worth 100 pts each.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1814.71 pts
My projected finish: 5th, 1979.11 pts
Actual finish: 5th, 2047.03 pts
NFL equivalent: Baltimore Ravens
Boom, nailed that prediction. Sam was gunning for first place for a while there too, but tapered off at the end. He also started Gerald Hodges, Gus Edwards and Chris Herndon in the final week, also known as “three players I may or may not have just made up.” WR Tyreek Hill was an absolute stud but WR Golden Tate was an inconsistent for Sam’s team as he was for the Eagles. But, Sam still made little Sam proud with his performance this year. And if we gave out medals for finishing just outside of just outside the top three, he’d get one.

The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 1853.80 pts
My projected finish: 4th, 2002.77 pts
Actual finish: 4th, 2050.30 pts
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
Boom, nailed that prediction. A furious finish by Joel give him his third straight year in the top four, an impressive run of coaching success. He can thank RB Saquon Barkley’s impressive rookie season for much of that, along with WRs Michael Thomas and Amari Cooper. But the 3 pts he got from a disappointing RB Dion Lewis in the final week bumped him up just above Sam’s squad in the end. Teamwork makes the dream work, folks.

Nick ‘MVP’ Foles (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 1950.05 pts
My projected finish: 3rd, 2033.34 pts
Actual finish: 3rd, 2103.64 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
Boom, NAILED THAT PREDICTION. By my count I lead Yahoo’s crappy prediction machine 5-2-3 after incredibly nailing three picks in a row. Sadly for me, that means I did not repeat as champion this year, but I did secure my 9th medal podium finish in the league’s 17th season. Not too shabby, considering I did it this season with a weak collection of spare parts. But when you have a team namesake like St. Nick, you overachieve. That’s just how it works. I’m also the only coach brave enough/smart enough to start QB Nick Foles for a week, which didn’t work out points-wise but will clearly repay me in positive karma for many moons to come.

The Oh! So Close-ers (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 11th, 1804.58 pts
My projected finish: 1st, 2112.11 pts
Actual finish: 2nd, 2212.21 pts
NFL equivalent: St. Louis Rams
I’m claiming this as a victory again over Yahoo, and even with blowing the final spot, I still come in at 6-3-3 with my predictions against the internet experts. Let that be a forever lesson to you, folks: Don’t believe everything you read online, especially when it comes to fantasy football. For Paul, this finish is both impressive and heartbreaking (as his final team name suggests). You can’t take anything away from silver medal position, but he fell just 25 pts from engraving his name on the Awesome Cup again. He left 22 on his bench in the final week, forgot to fill one of his WR slots altogether, and started a defense worth -2 pts. Just properly setting his lineup and grabbing a competent defense would have yielded him the title. But we don’t count almosts here, and so Paul is left with an offseason full of bitter regret while the championship goes to …

For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 1912.33 pts
My projected finish: 7th, 1918.17 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2237.19 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
Not taking away anything from Anthony here, but this title should really go to QB Pat Mahomes. The Chiefs’ passer outscored every other QB in the league by almost 100 pts, giving Anthony an incredible advantage once he decided to start the guy over his backup, some other kid named Wentz. WRs Adam Thelien and JuJu Smith-Schuster were both unstoppable and difficult to spell, and RBs Melvin Gordon and Derrick Henry did just enough at opposite ends of the season to bring the title home.

With their help, Anthony becomes our fourth repeat champion in league history, and gets his name carved atop the Awesome Cup alongside the same year his beloved Eagles grabbed their first Super Bowl trophy. Congrats.

UPDATE: Anthony has issued this statement on his victory this season.

As always, thanks to all of you for playing along this season. We’ll be back again in August for the Awesome Cup’s 18th season, where it will finally be old enough to vote in presidential elections and drink in parts of Canada. Until then, enjoy another January choke job by the Cowboys and another deep playoff run by the birds. God willing, I’ll have another emergency recap to write in February this year.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 17 recap

 

Recapping Nick Foles’ December:

** Dec. 9: Foles sits on the sidelines as the Eagles lose to the Cowboys in overtime. At the end of the weekend, the Eagles have less than an 14 percent chance of making the playoffs.

** Dec. 16: Foles spurs the Eagles to an upset win of the Rams in Los Angeles, despite throwing only one TD pass. The Eagles chances of making the playoffs jumps to 36 percent.

** Dec. 23: Two days before Christmas, Foles sets the new Eagles single-game mark for passing yards (471) in a last-minute victory over the Texans. The team’s odds of making the playoffs rises to 48 percent.

** Dec. 30, 7 p.m.: Foles ties the NFL record for consecutive completions in a game (25) in the Eagles blowout win over the Maryland Racial Slurs. But the team’s odds of making the playoffs slides to 20 percent as the Vikings sit one win away from the post-season.

** Dec. 30, 7:30 p.m.: Foles uses his magic to victimize the people of Minnesota for the third time this calendar year, and the Vikings lose to the Bears. The Eagles chances of making the playoffs rise to 100 percent.

Look, you’d probably call that a good month, but realistically it’s at most his third-best month of 2018. January and February were still sweeter. Now let’s see what he does in 2019…

Top QBs of the year
3rd place: Ben Roethlisberger, 409.89 pts — 13th QB drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Matt Ryan, 424.79 pts — 12th QB drafted (me)
1st place: Patrick Mahomes, 517.08 pts — 16th QB drafted (Ant)

And yet again I ask: Why do we draft QBs early? The #4 QB on the year, Andrew Luck, was drafted between Mahomes and Roethlisberger. Mahomes ended up with 50 TDs and 5,000-plus yards passing and was the fourth backup QB drafted in our league. Meanwhile, only four of the first 10 QBs drafted ended up in the top 10 at the end of the year. Remember this for next season, folks. Grab those other skill positions first.

Top WRs of the year
3rd place: Davante Adams, 228.40 pts — 7th WR drafted (Jo)
2nd place: Antonio Brown, 229.97 pts — 1st WR drafted (Paul)
1st place: Tyreek Hill, 245.96 pts — 11th WR drafted (Sam)

Don’t let that draft spot for Hill fool you — 10 of the top 11 fantasy receivers on the year were drafted in the first four rounds. Three receivers had more yards on the year than Hill, and both Adams and Brown had more receiving TDs than him. But Hill had 213 return yards and 151 rushing yards to go along with his catching duties, so he gets the top billing here.

Top RBs of the year
3rd place: Christian McCaffrey, 306.10 pts — 13th RB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Saquon Barkley, 316.77 pts — 6th RB drafted (Joel)
1st place: Todd Gurley, 323.77 pts — 1st RB drafted (Bob)

No surprise on Gurley — even though he missed the final two games of the season, he still came out ahead of the pack, living up to his billing as the top pick. The league’s rushing leader, Ezekiel Elliott, ended up left off this list, which is fine by me. And the #6 fantasy RB on the year was undrafted Steelers backup James Conner, who ended up getting all the LeVeon Bell work for the season and destroyed a lot of teams from day one.

Top TEs of the year
3rd place: George Kittle, 169.80 pts — 12th TE drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Zach Ertz, 183.53 pts — 3rd TE drafted (Jim)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 199.57 pts — 2nd TE drafted (Jo)

Ertz finished the season with 116 catches, good enough for 17th on the all-time NFL single-season chart. But Kelce ended up with 170 more yds and two more TDs, barely edging out Ertz for top fantasy honors at his position. Rob Gronkowski, the ever hyped top fantasy TE pick, ended up 12th.

Top Ks of the year
3rd place: Wil Lutz, 152.50 pts — 6th K drafted (Ant)
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Dad)
1st place: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 170.50 pts — undrafted

Not only was Fairbairn undrafted, he still isn’t on anyone’s roster. So if you need a kicker for the playoffs … Meanwhile, Dad’s decision to grab Tucker as the first K in the draft kind of paid off, but Tucker went in the 6th round, four rounds before any other kicker (including Lutz). That means Dad got eight extra pts out of Tucker instead of snagging WR Brandin Cooks, WR Robert Woods, TE Kittle and a host of other top performers still on the board.

Top DEFs of the year
3rd place: Houston, 154.00 pts — 6th DEF drafted (Sam)
2nd place: LA Rams, 159.00 pts — 4th DEF drafted (me)
1st place: Chicago, 200.00 pts — 11th DEF drafted (Jim)

Not a bad performance, all things considered. Dad’s gamble to take the Jacksonville defense in the 5th round turned out to be a disaster, but none of the top defenses went unclaimed for long. For the record, the worst defense on the year was Oakland, which averaged just over 2 pts per week, and totaled 166 pts less than the Bears.

Top Ds of the year
3rd place: Aaron Donald, 74.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Cory Littleton, 85.50 pts — undrafted
1st place: Darius Leonard, 89.50 pts — undrafted

We came so close to finally drafting one of the top defensive players on the year — Houston DE JJ Watt (who I took in the 10th round) was in fourth place, three pts behind Donald. But close only counts in horseshoes and thermonuclear war.


“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Rod Streater, -1.10 pts — on the wire
4th place: Kaelin Clay, -1.20 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Geno Smith, -1.48 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Riley McCarron, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Lauletta, -2.20 pts — on the wire

A whopping 11 fantasy players finished in negative territory this season, a total that could be a record but honestly I’m not even sure how to look that up and it’s late in the year and I’m tired. But Lauletta, Eli Manning’s backup, grabs the title for the worst overall stat line for the year: One rushing attempt for -2 yds, one pass attempt, no completions, one interception. Congrats to him: If he had simply never walked on the field, he would have had more value for his team than when he tried to play.

** The latest Allstate commercial shows a man stealing a team flag to smash the window of a car to steal the vehicle while taunting the owner via a security camera. While all this happens, small print across the bottom reads “Demonstration: Do not attempt.”

What part exactly are they saying not to attempt? Stealing a car? Narrating the crime on video? Damaging the car before stealing it? Because I hadn’t thought about doing any of that until you suggested it.

** Along the same lines, Geico now has a commercial about their past commercials where they encourage people to go online and vote for their favorite commercial and don’t mention insurance at all. Because Geico is a commercial company, not an insurance one.

** During the Miami/Buffalo game, with the Bills leading 14-0 in the first quarter, CBS announcer Steve Beuerlein announced that “This is where (Dolphins QB) Ryan Tannehill really has to step up.”

Quick question — why? The Dolphins were already eliminated from the playoffs. The Bills were already eliminated from the playoffs. The game was meaningless and already out of hand. Why did Tannehill need to perform there? At best, he needed to step up five weeks ago.

FYI, on that series Tannehill threw an interception and the Bills won 42-17. It was all because Tannehill didn’t step up.

We’re just one day past the end of the NFL regular season and there have already been eight coaches fired. That’s leadership turnover at a full quarter of the franchises in the league. And we may not be done. Consider these other likely moves:

** Cowboys coach Jason Garrett: Sure, his job looked safe two weeks ago when the Cowboys won the NFC East, but when Dallas loses at home to the Seahawks and watches the Eagles get into the second-round of the playoffs a day later, it’ll be tough for owner Jerry Jones to keep the underachieving coach around.

** Patriots coach Bill Belichick: There’s no chance he gets fired, but when QB Tom Brady’s arm falls off in the third quarter of their opening playoff game, Belichick will realize that he has no backup plans beyond his 10-year juicing of Brady’s body and footballs. He’ll announce his retirement the next day, and within 10 months have all of his victories stripped from the record book for cheating.

** Eagles coach Doug Pederson: How could he possibly leave after his big Super Bowl win last year? Easy. After Pederson wins his second Super Bowl — again with his backup QB — football fans everywhere will demand he be removed in the interest of fairness. In the interest of helping the game, Pederson will take over Roger Goodell’s job, instituting much needed reforms to improve the game. Nick Foles will take over as Eagles coach/backup QB.

** Bills coach Sean McDermott: Seriously, can you be sure he wasn’t already fired? Maybe the Bills fired him, rehired him, then fired him again since you started reading this. But would you even notice?


Sunday’s Cowboys game mattered little, as the wretched Texas team had already clinched the division title a week before. The team has been talking up the possibility of a long post-season run, which would be a change from their 20-year streak of not getting out of the second round. But they have been playing their best football of the season recently. Should all the good hearted fans of America be worried that Dallas could prevail?

Nah. Just trust the anagram:

Dallas players enter the playoffs hopeful
** Setup fear, pander hype, yet fools shall fall

Oh, dear insult anagram. How we will go another eight months without your wisdom?


** As expected, Dad handily beat me in the weekly picks, finishing the year with a double-digit margin of victory. That breaks a three-season streak of yearly victories by me, and gives Dad bragging rights through next summer. For the year, he picked games at a 62-percent correct rate, better than most TV pundits. What I’m saying is, as more social media networks expand their sports offerings, it’s time to give Dad a show already.

** Alabama vs. Clemson in the national title game. Again. So exciting. Maybe next year we could skip every other game and then let both these fan bases just go sort it out somewhere out of sight.

** I just double checked, and the NFL is still going to allow the Eagles into the playoffs. Unbelievable.

Week 17 standings

The official final week standings — and the crowning of the latest Awesome Cup Champion — will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 16 recap

What famous NFL personalities are asking for this Christmas:

** Odell Beckham: A real QB to throw to him.
** Philip Rivers: A city that cares whether he wins or not.
** Jerry Jones: A soul … to eat.
** Roger Goodell: More blind vagrants to use as referees.
** Andy Reid: Just a few more timeouts.
** Drew Brees: An MVP award, so everyone can stop already.
** Carson Wentz: A Nick Foles jersey.

 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 46.88 pts — started by Jim
WR: Antonio Brown, 31.33 pts — started by Paul
RB: Chris Carson, 23.60 pts — started by Joel
TE: Zach Ertz, 25.33 pts — started by Jim
K: Dustin Hopkins, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 21.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
D: Jaylon Smith, 11.50 pts — on the wire

I know what the fantasy rules say, but we all know Nick Foles had the best week of any player. He totaled 471 passing yards (a new Eagles single game record) and four passing TDs (the most of any player this week) in his second consecutive win for the birds. He also breathed new life into the Eagles playoff hopes, inspired a city, healed the sick, drove out demons, and had one rushing yard.

Pretty much a typical Sunday for him.


“Playoff hopeful players” edition

3rd place: Rod Smith, -0.70 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Stevan Ridley, -1.60 pts — on the wire
1st place: Taysom Hill, -2.00 pts — on the wire

We had a remarkable six position players in negative figures this week, including three backup QBs (the Saints’ Hill, Patriots QB Brian Hoyer and Rams QB Sean Mannion) and Ridley, the Steelers RB making his second appearance on this list his year. In a season where Pittsburgh seems to be able to turn unknown RBs into fantasy gold, Ridley remains a reliable worthless rock.

For the record, the worst player on the week was the Chiefs’ pathetic defense, which scored -3.00 pts in their crushing loss to the Seahawks. But that’s no worry, defense doesn’t tend to play a bigger role once the playoffs roll around.

** In the second quarter of the Eagles game sunday, when referee John Parry opted not to throw a flag when Texans DE Jadaveon Clowney downed Foles by his facemask, Foles screamed at Parry. After the game, he told reporters that he was sorry for the outburst. “I was a little upset and I shouldn't do that, but I was fired up a little bit.”

No, Nick. You absolutely should do that. In a game marred by awful refereeing, that was the worst missed call of the day. Foles is lucky he didn’t suffer serious injury, and the ref was 10 feet away staring right at the play. Absolutely no excuse. If anything, Foles should have yelled more.

** Headline on ESPN this week: “Panthers’ McCaffrey sets NFL mark, beats Dad.”

Just when you thought the news couldn’t be bleaker for the league, now we have to deal with a player beating up his own father. Just terrible.

** Saints coach Sean Payton, asked what his plans are for the regular season finale next week against the Panthers — a game that means nothing for either team in terms of playoff seeding — said “we're going to approach this game just like we would any regular-season game.”

In other news, Payton is either a liar or an idiot. This game has no meaning. His team is the #1 seed in the NFC. If he doesn’t rest all of his starters, he should be fired on the spot.

Eagles TE Zach Ertz broke the single season reception record for his position this week with his 111th catch of the season, and finished the game with 113. If he manages to pick up seven more next Sunday, he’ll join a group of less than a dozen NFL players (all wide receivers) who recorded at least 120 catches in a single year. To put those numbers in perspective:

** If you stacked 113 footballs on top of each other, they would fall down, because they are oval shaped and do not stack well.

** If you stacked 113 catchers on top of each other, they would also fall over, and you would be charged with assault.

** If you stacked 113 Zach Ertzes on top of each other, you would also be jailed, because human cloning is both against the law and morally questionable.

** If you combined 113 Zach Ertzes into a single, super football player, you would create one Nick Foles.

First-year WR Michael Gallup caught the game-winning TD in Sunday’s victory for the Cowboys, officially clinching the NFC East title for them. The rookie has had an uneven year but also seen some success of late. But more importantly, he has found a way to truly embody the Dallas spirit during his short stint there. Not surprising, considering what his name spells out:

Cowboys rookie wideout Michael Gallup
** Be good to all? Like a wild coach, me wails: "Up yours"

Great Christmas spirit in that guy.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so I enter the final week of the season down 11. Is getting that margin within single digits a moral victory? Maybe. But we don’t play for moral victories around here. I look forward to reporting to you next week how I went 12-0 against Dad ad stunned him with my amazing come from behind triumph.

** So we need to root for the Cardinals to keep it close against the Rams so the Bears still have a reason to play hard against the Vikings who we need to lose for the Eagles to sneak into the playoffs. Go Cards.

** Army won the Armed Forces Bowl 70-14 behind 500-plus rushing yards and I don’t even have a joke here. Just, wow.

Week 16 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 2134.38 pts
2 — Drinkin da Foles-Aid (Paul), 2111.41 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 2005.75 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 1948.63 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1946.91 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1915.26 pts
7 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1846.05 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1783.33 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1715.98 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1689.34 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1654.84 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1484.62 pts

This is exciting. A mere 23 pts separates Ant and Paul for the Awesome Cup title. If Ant falters, or if Paul overachieves in the most meaningless week of fantasy football, an entire season of work could be lost. How will it end? Who will reign supreme? Can you handle the tension?!?

Probably, because the rest of you have already lost. I’m too far back in third for anything but a miracle hail mary, and Jo and Sam aren’t even in the stadium for that last gasp pass. In fact, except for those two, everyone is probably locked into their current spot, making for a bit of a dud for a final weekend.

But the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs, and Paul and Ant’s battle makes for enough drama to tune back in. Get those rosters set one last time before your New Year’s Eve prep and enjoy the last two recaps of the season next week.