2009 fantasy recap, week #13

Sure, the college football regular season is over. But that’s no reason to dump that oh-so-efficient BCS rating system now; Just think of how great the NFL post-season could be if we got rid of that pesky playoff nonsense. Here’s how the rankings would look with just four weeks left.

8 -- Cincinnati (9-3 record)
Ranks: Computer 5, Writers 9, Coaches 12
If not for the opening day loss to Denver, they’d have one less loss.

7 -- Philadelphia (8-4 record)
Ranks: Computer 10, Writers 6, Coaches 7
They were ranked high in the preseason, so they’re still hanging around.

6 -- Dallas (8-4 record)
Ranks: Computer 9, Writers 9, Coaches 3
Six wins versus sub-.500 teams means they’re a true champion.

5 -- San Diego (9-3 record)
Ranks: Computer 4, Writers 3, Coaches 6
LaDanian Tomlinson is great, just not according to his stats or performance.

4 -- New Orleans (12-0 record)
Ranks: Computer 1, Writers 5, Coaches 5
Ridiculous? The college BCS ranked a 12-0 Boise State team sixth.

3 -- Minnesota (10-2 record)
Ranks: Computer 3, Writers 2, Coaches 4
Drew Brees may be the best QB in the league, but he’s no Brett Favre.

2 -- Indianapolis (12-0 record)
Ranks: Computer 2, Writers 4, Coaches 2
Probably the best team, but even the writers are sick of those Manning commercials.

1 -- New England (7-5 record)
Ranks: Computer 11, Writers 1, Coaches 1
Sure they haven’t “won” the most games, but you can’t deny they’re champions.

I can’t wait to see yet another Patriots-Colts match-up, but this time in the Tostitos Super Bowl. That’s what the fans deserve.

QB: Tony Romo, 33.68 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Jerome Harrison, 26.63 pts -- sitting on the wire
WR: Robert Mecham, 39.97 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Jason Witten, 24.40 pts -- started by Mike
K (tie): Matt Prater, 15.00 pts -- started by Bobert
K (tie): Garrett Hartley, 15.00 pts -- started by Neal
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Tamba Hail. 14.50 pts -- sitting on the waiver wire

Ladies and Gentlemen, it finally happened -- Neal collected a whopping 15 points from his kicker, the first points he's gotten from that position all year. Sure, it took a questionable last-second move by the Saints to bench their reliable kicker (and screw my three fantasy teams) for it to happen, but it's all history now. Neal has collected points from all of this fantasy positions now, and that 600-point deficit is a thing of the past.

A quick look at Philly’s two major homecomings this week, and a view of who had the better story:

	Vick	Iverson	Advantage?
Tearful hello?	No	Yes	AI
Pts scored?	12	11	Vick
Team win?	Yes	No	Vick
Long-term value?	none	none	Push
Fan love?	little	redemptive	AI
Cornrows	None	Thinning	AI

Oh, little Allen, we’ve missed you so…

3rd place: Javarris Williams, -0.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Kevin Barnes, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Arnaz Battle, -1.56 pts – sitting on the wire

Denver QB Chris Simms again finished close to the bottom with –0.40 pts, which gives him a total of –3.48 pts for the season thus far. That’s the worst in the league, just below QB Jeff Garcia and his –2.20 pts total.

In case you missed it Sunday morning, the experts over at Yahoo had their weekly podcast where they generously hand out fantasy advice. On their front page put up pictures of three players sure to disappoint in the week 13 games:

** QB Drew Brees
** RB Brandon Jacobs
** RB Joseph Addai

The reasons for the predictions basically boiled down to tough defensive matchups, and in Brees’ case poor weather conditions in Maryland. And each of the reasons were wrong; Here’s how they ended up on the week:

** Brees -- 419 pass yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT (26.76 pts)
** Jacobs -- 103 rush/rec yds, 2 TDs (21.83 pts)
** Addai – 98 rush/rec yds, 2 TDs (24.03 pts)

Granted, none of these guys were the top performers on the week. But if you can afford to leave 20-plus point players on your bench, I’d like to make a trade with you.

** Titans RB Chris Johnson (1509 rushing yds so far) is on pace for 2012 yds rushing this season.

** Patriots WRs Randy Moss (1058 receiving yds) and Wes Welker (1053 receiving yds) are on pace to finish 1-2 in the receiving title with a combined 2813 yds. And Patriots QB Tom Brady is not on pace to finish the year the top passer (Peyton Manning leads him by 47 yds).

** Eagles SS Quintin Mikell (67 tackles) is on pace to finish top on the team with 89 tackles, but only tied for 60th in the league among defensive players.

** Bills WR Terrell Owens (3 TDs) is on pace to finish tied 53rd in the league for receiving TDs, behind luminaries like Packers TE Spencer Havner (4 TDs) and Colts WR Pierre Garcon (4 TDs).

I was looking over the Cowboys roster after their embarrassing loss to New York and spotted something stunning:

Dallas Cornerback Cletis Gordon
-- Giants roar, clocked cornballs --

Wow, that’s dead on. I wonder if any of the other defensive backs can tell me how next week’s Dallas/San Diego game will turn out…

Cowboys strong safety Gerald Sensabaugh
-- Goodbye, new snouts; Chargers slay fat-bags. --

Nice.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Another great week by Heidi vaults her up the charts, but right now it still looks like Paul and I have the only real chance of dethroning the new guy. And frankly, you should all be rooting for that.

** Dad dropped one more this weekend, finishing at 15 under. I'm getting the impression this is not his year.

** Just four more weeks, kids. If you have a way to stop Tom Brady and Wes Welker, now is the time.

** I hate the Giants. And I hate that the Cowboys made me root for the Giants last weekend. But, more than anything, I just hate Eli Manning.

** If you watch the Army/Navy game this Saturday, take a close look up in the media box at Lincoln Financial Field. I’ll be sitting warm and toasty up there, enjoying the scene.

2009 fantasy recap, week #12

The Eagles team had to deal with three severe concussions this week: RB Brian Westbrook, WR DeSean Jackson and Head Coach Andy Reid. The first two happened on the field, but Reid’s apparently occurred during Thanksgiving dinner and went undiagnosed throughout the week. But he clearly suffered some head trauma before Sunday’s game. Consider:

** He called an onsides kick on the opening play, giving one of the worst offenses in the NFL a chance to start the game just a few yards away from scoring.
** On a key fourth-quarter 3rd and goal, he took the ball away from RB LeSean McCoy and FB Leonard Weaver to twice give the ball to 6th-string RB Elrda Buckley.
** He continues to use QB Mike Vick, despite abundant evidence he’s just not good enough to play at a professional level.
** He convinced higher ups this week to give OT Winston Justice, who has elevated his game from terrible to average, a four-year deal worth $20 million.

People with fully functioning frontal lobes don’t act this way. Someone get the NFL’s concussion committee on the phone now.

QB: Drew Brees, 44.74 pts – started by Joanna
RB: Fred Jackson, 28.39 pts – started by Bob
WR: Percy Harvin, 23.23 pts – started by NewMike
TE: Antonio Gates, 26.87 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts – started by Bob
DEF: New York Jets, 27.00 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
D: Charles Woodson, 21.36 pts – started by Heidi

Nooooooooo! So close, but Mike’s decision to start the Miami defense (7 pts) instead of the Jets keeps alive the league streak of not starting all seven top performers in a single week. But it was a close one…

By the way, if you missed Woodson’s line for the Packers on Thanksgiving, it’s worth checking out again: Six tackles, four pass defenses, two interceptions, one sack, one forced fumble, one fumble recovery. That’s insane.

3rd place: Jake Delhomme, -2.80 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Chicgao, -3.00 pts – started by Neal
1st place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last four weeks, Neal (who is setting new standards for apathy and pathetic play) has collected 14.50 pts from the bottom four players on his roster. That’s under a point per player over that span, and is a major reason why his team sits nearly 550 points out of first place.

Meanwhile, over Panthers QB Jake Delhomme’s last 20 games, he’s thrown 15 TDs against 30 interceptions. His 59.4 QB rating is the worst in the NFL among starting QBs not named Jamarcus Russell. And somehow Delhomme still has a job.

I don’t mean to pick on the Maryland Racial Slurs (oh wait, yes I do) but after five years of living in the south it has become abundantly clear that the team and their fans simply do not understand football. The day after the team lost 27-24 to the Eagles, blowing a 4th-quarter lead for the second week in a row, the Washington Post sports section had a story titled “A season is slipping away.”

The Racial Slurs dropped to 3-8 after the loss. For them to make the playoffs, the following would have to happen:

** They win their last five games.
** The Eagles lose their last five games.
** The Giants beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Falcons beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The 49ers beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Panthers, Bears and Seahawks don’t win more than three of their last five games.

Hate to break it to you, folks, but the season has already slipped away.

Nope, my mistake. The day after I wrote the above item the local sports analysts called the Saints' upcoming visit to Maryland a "classic trap game" and a good chance for the local team to show some pride. That was stupider.

Recently I’ve been researching exactly how the Dallas organization takes players from simply evil to super evil, replacing their soul with some sort of villainous anti-soul. Just putting on the uniform is almost enough, but there’s also a harsh regiment of baby insulting, stealing from the Salvation Army and, apparently, a strict diet.

How strict? The answer is barely hidden in their players own names:

Dallas Cowboys corner Alan Ball
-- Yell! Drab rascals allow no bacon –

Everyone knows that bacon is the source of pure goodness. For a team to ban it … well, that’s just super evil.

Just to show you what a well-coached team can achieve, here’s a look at the regular season stats for my PS2 Eagles team, which finished 16-0:

** McNabb: 5,013 yds passing, 104 TDs; 438 yds rushing, 10 TDs
** Westbrook: 3,107 yds rushing, 64 TDs; 305 yds receiving, 7 TDs
** Rookie WR: 1,388 yds receiving, 26 TDs
** 2nd rookie WR: 951 yds receiving, 16 TDs
** Jevon Kearse: 179 tackles, 164 sacks, 5 fumbles, 5 safeties
** Michael Lewis: 38 tackles, 15 INTs, 4 TDs
** Brian Dawkins: 46 tackles, 10 INTs
** David Akers: 1 FG, 194 XPs

The team scored 1,411 pts on the season (88 per game) and allowed 16 (1 per game). The worst game of the year was a week 5 victory over the Seahawks (67-10) while the crowning performance was a week 13 win over the Chargers (112-0).

Now, I’m not saying that those results correlate exactly to what the Eagles should be achieving. I’m just saying that it’s reasonable to expect a 2,000-yard rusher and a 75-TD QB every year from a good coach.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Heidi posted an unbelievable 190-plus pts this week, vaulting her back up into the contenders pile. My assault on the top spot continues unabated, and defying all expectations Anthony is still in striking distance too.

I had assumed Anthony had stopped playing completely and dropped the ball. Oh, no, wait – that was just his TE, Brent Celek. My mistake.

** Dad has dropped to 14 behind, thanks to misplaced faith in the Patriots and the Rams this weekend. Clearly, we are not living in 2001 anymore.

** Listening to ESPN’s Matt Millen offer analysis on the Saints/Patriots game is like listening to an American Idol reject offering serious commentary on how a successful presidential campaign is run. Millen put together the worst team in the history of the NFL; How can he be qualified to say anything about one franchise that finished the regular season 16-0 and another which could do the same this year?

** The trade deadline is this Friday, kids. Last chance to improve that wretched lineup.

** I’m horribly disappointed by the playoff prospects this year – looks like the NFC championship game will either be held in New Orleans or Minnesota, and Indy will probably host the AFC champs. No playoff games in the snow? Can’t Buffalo be assigned the permanent host for one of these match-ups?

2009 fantasy recap, week #11

That chill in the air may not be just the impending winter. Consider:

** The Temple Owls football team is on the verge of being ranked in the top 25. Technically they’re 29th right now, with a 9-2 record and a real chance of winning the MAC. Al Golden is being talked about for coach of the year. Remember, the Owls’ record from 2003-2007 was 9-50.

** The Eagles won a close game thanks to smart running plays. Over the last two real series (not including the final kneel downs) the Birds ran the ball nine times and passed it eight times, chewing up over eight minutes of the last quarter. Andy Reid even gave up the chance to pass on two separate third and short plays with under three minutes left.

** Michigan’s football team isn’t going to a bowl game … again. The Wolverines went 1-7 over their last eight games and finished dead last in the Big Ten. The last time that happened was in 1962, during the height of the Cuban missile crisis.

** Brett Favre is the top rated passer in the NFL. Maybe this isn’t a sign that hell has frozen over, but it’s definitely something that will anger God and bring about the apocalypse.

** A catcher won the AL MVP award for the first time in 33 years. Joe Mauer also won his second AL batting title this year and was a near unanimous selection for the honor. Every voter went for Mauer over Saint Derek Jeter. Catchers aren’t supposed to win these awards; They’re purely for decorative purposes, like lawn gnomes or horse jockeys.

If Reggie Brown records a 100-yard receiving week next week, it’s a sure sign that Saddam Hussein has finally overthrown Satan and installed an air conditioner.

QB: Matt Stafford, 43.58 pts – sitting on the wire
RB: Ricky Williams, 33.17 pts – started by Neal
WR: Wes Welker, 28.88 pts – started by NewMike
TE: Kevin Boss, 22.07 pts – sitting on the wire
K: Billy Cundiff, 17.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New England, 21.00 pts – sitting on Joel’s bench
D: Leigh Bodden, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Another sign that hell has frozen over; The Lions’ QB was the best player on the week. In case you didn’t hear about the epic Cleveland/Detroit game …

With his team trailing 37-31 and just eight seconds left in the game, Stafford heaved a Hail Mary pass as a defensive lineman drove him into the ground. The pass fell incomplete, but a safety blatantly interfered with a Lions wideout -- setting up an untimed final down on the one yard line. Stafford, whose shoulder was injured on the previous play, shook off his medical staff and tossed the game-winning TD. He couldn’t even raise his arm in victory as the team celebrated around him.

If this was a Colts/Patriots game, you’d be hearing about that ending for years. As it is, no one will remember it outside of Detroit next week.

A special shout-out to former Cowboys/Eagles/49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens, who had a monster game this week: He recorded 9 catches for 197 yards an a TD on Sunday. The performance showed everything you need to know about this possible Hall of Fame wideout:

** His team still lost, 18-15. The game came a week after he helped get his coach fired.
** After the game, he said he’s ready to “put the team on my shoulders” and help push them towards the playoffs. The team is 3-7 and in last place in the AFC East.
** The huge day made him the 38th best pass catcher on the year – He’s now just ahead of Johnny Knox and Jeremy Maclin on the fantasy points list.
** In the last decade, T.O. has been on the field for one playoff win (in 2002).

He’s an all-time great, as long as you don’t include wins and class.

3rd place: Seattle, -4.00 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Detroit, -5.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -6.00 pts – sitting on the wire

For the second time this year we’ve had a defense bottom out; The Bucs allowed 38 pts to the Saints and recorded zero sacks, turnovers or blocked kicks. That’s a looooong way from Ronde Barber’s heyday.

At various points in Sunday’s game the radio announcing crew for the Maryland Racial Slurs called the DC regional team’s effort “exemplary,” “valiant,” “outstanding” and “great.”

The Racial Slurs lost the game to the Dallas Cowboys 7-6. The team went 2-4 on field goal attempts and had more than twice as many punting yards (195) as rushing yards (78).

There’s a big difference between “valiant” and “close.” Your team played tough and lost at the very end instead of getting blown out. That’s not great football; that’s a close game.

Actually, by Redskins standards maybe it is…

Actual odds to win the Super Bowl, at Bodog.com this week:

** Detroit Lions (2-8 record): 8000 to 1.
** Buffalo Bills (3-7): 5000 to 1.
** Maryland Racial Slurs (3-7): 300 to 1.
** Seattle Seahawks (3-7): 500 to 1.
** Philadelphia Eagles (6-4): 24 to 1.
** Dallas Cowboys (7-3): 20 to 1.
** Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): 11 to 1.
** San Diego Chargers (7-3): 8 to 1.
** Minnesota Vikings (9-1): 4 to 1.
** Indianapolis Colts (10-0): 7 to 2.
** New Orleans Saints (10-0): 7 to 2.

It’s almost worth that Lions bet. It’ll never happen, but $10 pays $80,000.

Every year I look forward to Thanksgiving (the second-best holiday of the year, right behind Draftsgiving). But every year when that Thursday rolls around I’m reminded that even in times of family bonding and relaxation, evil can creep in.

I’m referring, of course, to the made-up “tradition” that Dallas has to play football on Thanksgiving. The first nationally broadcast game on the holiday was Detroit, not Dallas. When the Cowboys joined the league, they decided they should steal that too, along with the integrity and decency of the league.

Don’t believe me? It’s all spelled out clearly right there:

Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving
-- TV? No. Gasbag clowns sink holiday --

No turducken can ever fully wash down the bitter taste they leave in your mouth.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Don’t be fooled by New Mike – he can be beat (hopefully by my sudden resurgence, thank you Jamaal Charles) if you hang in there. NewMike earned the Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award this week, leaving a whopping 41 pts on his bench. That easily outdistanced Joel (38 pts on the bench) and Ant (36 pts) and Jeff (35 pts).

It’s not over. There are still six weeks left, and five teams within 170 pts of first place.

** Dad didn’t lose ground this week, but he didn’t gain any either: He sits at 12 back with just six weeks left. That’s just two wins per week the rest of the way. That’s still doable.

** Don’t forget: Three games on Thursday, so there are players on six teams you need to worry about before noon on the holiday. And the trade deadline is Dec. 4, which is an important date to remember anyway...

** Yeah, I typed turducken. And I meant it.

2009 fantasy recap, week #10

Monday was the anniversary of not one but two recent Eagles tie games: their 1997 debacle against the Ravens (10-10) and their 2008 debacle against the Bengals (13-13). Here’s how some of the Philadelphia team celebrated the joyous occasion:

Brent Celek – Hung out downtown and tied people’s shoes for free.

Andy Reid – Ate an equal number of cheesesteaks and hoagies.

Reggie Brown – Wore a tie to practice. No one noticed, because they were surprised he was still on the team.

LeSean McCoy – Dined out at a Thai restaurant (merely a coincidence, though).

David Akers – Spit on the ground in disgust.

Donovan McNabb – He’s still waiting for the second overtime period.

QB: Peyton Manning, 33.08 pts – started by Paul
RB: Chris Johnson, 40.87 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Randy Moss, 32.93 pts – started by me
TE: Brent Celek, 15.13 pts – started by Ant
K: Connor Barth, 17.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 29.00 pts – started by Bobert
D: Charles Woodson, 12.50 pts – started by Heidi

I’ve never heard of Connor Barth either. He plays for the Bucs as of two weeks ago, and kicked three 50-plus-yard field goals on Sunday, tying an NFL record. Earlier this year he was beaten out for the Chiefs’ starting job by Ryan Succop, then beaten out by Dan Carpenter for the Miami starting job. I’ve never heard of them either.

Regardless, NewMike is starting to run away with this. I’m beginning to rethink the rules about letting new people in.

Here’s why Patriots coach Bill Belichick is an idiot.

On Sunday night, with his team leading by six points late in the final quarter but facing a 4th and 2 on their own 28 yard line, the genius coach opted to go for it instead of punting. If he converted, the Patriots could run out the clock and win the game. They didn’t, and the Colts had a short field with which to score the game winning TD less than two minutes later.

That’s not why he’s an idiot.

He’s an idiot because, facing a 4th and 2, Belichick called a passing play. Yes, the Patsies are a great passing team. Yes, their run game has some issues. But if you can’t pound the ball forward six feet in that situation, you should be punting the ball.

Here’s a breakdown of how teams have fared going for it on 4th-and-1 or 4th-and-2 over the last two weeks:

** Run plays: 9 conversions in 17 attempts (53 percent)
** Pass plays: 2 conversions in 11 attempts (18 percent)

For the record, only one of those short-to-go pass attempts came in the last two minutes of the game, so time wasn’t an urgent factor.

Memo to Andy Reid and the rest of the coaches in the NFL – Running plays count too. Try using them more.

Backup QB edition

3rd place: Bruce Gradkowski, -1.26 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Chris Simms, -1.48 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -1.76 pts – sitting on the wire

Not surprisingly, all three of these teams that were forced to use their backups for a while on Sunday (the Raiders, Broncos and Bills, respectively) lost their games. Fitzpatrick even managed to post a perfect 0.00 QB rating on Sunday (2 for 7, 6 yds, 1 INT), which made Simms’ 7.9 rating look impressive in comparison.

What is surprising is that Bears QB Jay Cutler didn’t make the list, despite his five INTs last Thursday night. Here’s hoping he’s got another one of those days queued up next week, when the Iggles come to town.

On Sunday, as I searched for the Eagles broadcast on satellite radio (my first mistake), I stumbled across the end of the Dolphins/Bucs game. Just as Ricky Williams broke free for a 27-yard run to set up the game-winning field goal, Miami radio announcer Jim Mandich let loose with this analysis:

We are on the brink of an impossible dream! The barn door is open and I see the pasture out there, screaming ‘Take me! Take me!’

The irony of the situation was that Miami’s field goal attempt was blocked by a cow that came roaming through the stadium at the last second. Tough break.

The Buffalo Bills, just nine games into a miserable season and just two days after "star" wide receiver Terrell Owens threw a fit on the sidelines during Sunday's loss, fired coach Dick Jauron on Tuesday, leaving the team in complete disarray.

I, for one, am completely stunned. I really though T.O.'s leadership would help turn that organization around.

Even when the Cowboys aren’t participating in illegal activities they’re still involved in morally questionable ones. Take for example, Junior Siavii. He’s only been with the team a few months, but already his true nature is shining through in his name:

Dallas Nose Tackle Junior S. Siavii
-- Alas, lad! I injure violins, eat socks --

Disgusting. Simply disgusting.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

It’s not all bad news in this week’s standings – just look at who has come creeping up the charts. And there are still six teams within 200 pts of first place, so anything is possible …

… except Neal winning. There’s no way that can happen.

** Dad dropped to 11 back in the weekly picks. But he helped me install a new bathroom sink, and he correctly called the Dallas upset loss this week, so I won’t pick on him this week.

** Fare thee well, Eric “Triple Play” Bruntlett. If you, Brett Myers and Pat Burrell all end up on the same team, I’ll root for you a little.

** We’ve had our first trade of the season this weekend – Just a reminder that you only have a few more weeks before the trade deadline expires, so if you can find a way to get Adrian Peterson off of Neal’s bench, now is the time.

** We’re also done with the bye weeks (mercifully) but don’t forget that we do have Thursday games from here on out, so adjust your rosters accordingly. This week it’s Miami vs. Carolina, which is probably a big deal for some expatriate living between the two regions in the Bahamas, but not for anyone else.

2009 fantasy recap, week #9

Questions taken from the actual entrance exam Andy Reid passed at the start of this year, to see if he was smart enough to retain his job:

Your team is trailing 21-14 in the waning minutes of a crucial division game. You have no timeouts left and face a 4th and 10 at your own 43-yard line. What do you do?

Kick a FG, making it 21-17	Kick a FG, making it 21-21
Call a QB sneak	Call a timeout

Your team has the ball at midfield with no timeouts and just 20 seconds left on the first-half clock. You need to pick up 20 yards for a realistic FG chance. What do you do?

Call a FB screen pass in the center	Call a QB sneak
Call a FB screen pass on the left	Call a timeout

It’s the first play of the game against the worst-rated run defense in the league. Your QB may have suffered a rib injury in the opening warm up, and is throwing up on the sideline. What do you do?

Call a 15-yard pass play	Call a 50-yard pass play
Call a pass 10 yds behind the line	Call a timeout

It’s overtime, you just used your last timeout and there are only three seconds left in the game. Your offensive coordinator says the only remaining option is a Hail Mary pass. What do you do?

Call a run play	Call a FB swing pass
Kneel and hope for double overtime	Call a timeout

How many seconds are left in the game if the two-minute warning has just sounded?

200 seconds	15 minutes
There’s not another quarter left?!?	Call a timeout

You’re playing scrabble. You can get a triple-word score if you spell out a seven letter word starting with T. In your hand you have two Ts, an M, and the vowels I, E, O and U. What do you do?

Call a swing pass to Mike Vick	Spell out “Toe”
Spell out “Item Out”	Spell out “Swing Pass”

Don’t worry about your score – no matter what you picked, you’re as qualified as Reid to call plays with the game on the line.

QB: Kurt Warner, 40.74 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Michael Turner, 32.03 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, 29.20 pts – started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 27.73 pts – started by NewMike
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 14.50 pts – started by Joel
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Anthony Hargrove, 13.40 pts – sitting on the wire

Everyone who was looking for a last-second fill in defense for this weekend, you lose. The Tampa Bay defense – which, admittedly, no one should have ever considered picking up – was the big winner this week and has been available all season long.

In light of that upset, his my advice for next week: Grab the Rams defense while you can. They’re guaranteed to light it up against the Saints next week.

That big defensive performance by the Tampa Bay Bucs propelled them to their first win of the year, raising their record to an exciting 1-7 on the season. Here’s how they can still win their division title:

** They win their final eight games (which is impossible)
** The Panthers lose three of their final eight (a real possibility)
** The Falcons lose five of their final eight (including two to the Bucs and one to the Panthers)
** The Saints lose seven of their final eight (including two to the Bucs, one to the Rams and one to the DC Racial Slurs);

Then, the Bucs would finish the season 9-7, tied with the Saints but holding the division record tiebreaker. And then they’d be guaranteed a first-round home playoff game.

And then the world would stop spinning on its axis.

3rd place – Brandon Jones, -0.06 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Matt Leinart, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -3.00 pts – started by Neal

Thanks in large part to Chicago’s D, Neal’s six lowest-scoring players combined for –1.33 pts. His six other players scored 78.40 pts, which almost makes it look like a respectable week. Almost.

Highlights from the Andy Reid press conference this week, a veritable smorgasbord of stupid comments:

On why the team couldn’t execute on Sunday: “Maybe they’re trying too hard. That might be it.”
Oh yeah, that’s it. They were definitely trying too hard on all those failed yard-to-go conversions.

On those challenges: "The two missed challenges on my side of things, that was a problem, and whether they were right or wrong they were wrong.”
That’s just not English.

On Mike Vick: “I’m not disappointed. Not at all. He’s handled himself very well.”
Vick has accounted for 33 yards of total offense this year. That’s 17 fewer yards than WR Greg Lewis. I’m not sure how you can spin Vick being 2/3rds the player that Lewis is as a positive.

On his responsibility as coach: “I think it comes down to putting players in the right position to execute. We all get a piece of the pie.”
That’s a flat out lie. When Andy is around, no one else gets any pie. They’re lucky to escape with their limbs intact.

When Cowboys owner Jerry Jones built his new NFL stadium last year, he put in a gigantic high-def scoreboard, oversized cupholders for fat fan’s oversized dinners, even overhead cages for cheerleaders to dance in.

And when he was finished, he gave it a name befitting his monstrous creation, hiding its true purpose by scrambling the letters. Just look:

New Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas
-- Cube is a tin gym, a wanton sex-to-sin world --

I’m not completely sure what that means, but it’s pretty clearly evil. Possibly sexy, but sexy evil, much like a banshee in a mini-skirt (also known as a Cowboys cheerleader).

Your impossible college stats of the weekend:

** Cincinnati QB Zach Collaros – 19 completions, 480 yds, 1 TD
** Texas WR Jordan Shipley – 11 catches, 273 yds, 1 TD
** Missouri WR Danario Alexander – 13 catches, 213 yds, 1 TD
** Georgia Tech RB Jonathan Dwyer – 23 rushes, 195 yds, 1 TD
** Buffalo RB Jeffvon Gill – 23 rushes, 175 yds, 1 TD
** Virginia Tech RB Ryan Williams – 23 rushes, 179 yds, 0 TDs

Look over that list again. Someone explain to me how these six guys could collectively cover more than 1,500 yds – that’s running the length of the football field 15 times – and only manage five scores on the day.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

It’s looking more and more like one-time champ Paul may be the only hope in unseating the newbie. Either way, both of them are starting to pull away from the pack.

** Dad dropped to 10 back in the weekly picks, just nine weeks in. Ouch. Just ouch.

** In their last 10 games decided by four points or less, the Eagles are now 1-8-1. That damn tie is going to haunt all of us forever.

** Great question at trivia tonight – in the four major professional sports leagues (NHL, not MLS, is the fourth) there are nine teams whose names don’t end in “s.” Name them.

I’m not gonna help you. I’ll let that drive you bonkers for another week.

The Phils lost, and that's OK

Look, no way to sugarcoat it: Getting that close to the title and losing just sucks. There are no smiling faces at Fort Awesome tonight (Well, the Harry Kalas doll still is, but the smile is sewn onto his mug). But it doesn't feel like when the Eagles lost the Super Bowl, or when the Lakers ripped through the Sixers, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game.

You know why?

Because Jimmy Rollins is still a World Series Champion. Ryan Howard still has a World Series ring. Chase Utley is still a WFC. David Wright still can't say that. And this loss doesn't change 2008.

Yeah, a repeat championship would have been awesome. Yeah, losing to New York sucks. But Philly was been home to the World Champion Phillies for 371 days, and they came within two wins of extending that another 365 days. Remember, it took 25 years to be able to say that.

No need for Negadelphia today. The Phils will return in April with the same line-up of power hitters and a full season of Cliff Lee. "Maybe next year" is an actual sincere phrase in this case. Hell, maybe even a few of the baseball experts might actually pick them to win the NL East.

It's a been a great three years of baseball out of this team, possibly the best in the 126-year history of the team. You can't be too angry about that.

**********

To the Yankees fans, congratulations. That obscene $207 million payroll got you exactly what you always hoped for: A championship for Alex Rodriguez.

Enjoy watching him at the parade.

He's the highest-paid hitman ever to play in the majors. On the field he's an all-around cheat (steroids, sure, but remember this and this too?) Off the field he's an embarrassment to humanity (Cheats on his wife, hangs out with strippers, whined about the pressure of his contact, leveled false accusations about reporters researching his steroids use). In 16 years he's had one successful postseason. He might get excluded from the Hall of Fame because of their "good character" clause.

And now he'll be considered the greatest Yankee of all-time.

Think I'm exaggerating? Watch carefully over the next few years as the inevitable happens. He'll break the all-time HR record in a Yankee uniform. He'll be invited to every big game after his retirement. Sports writers will wax poetically about his lofty stats and start comparing him to Ruth and Gerhig, and argue he was a better all-around player.

The only reason they weren't before was because he had no championships. Now he does, and he'll be the face of the Yankees for all time, New York's own Barry Bonds in a permanent New York uniform.

Jeter? Great player. Rivera? One of the top closers ever. Pettitte? Clutch performer. But they'll be secondary stories before 2010 starts.

For A-Rod, this was vindication and a coronation, "proof" that he is the greatest player ever. Embrace it, because any integrity that was left is now out the door with a player that Yankees fans have rightfully booed more times than any Red Sawx star.

So congratulations again. That 27th championship was definitely worth the last bit of remaining class of the first 26.