2009 fantasy recap, week #9

Questions taken from the actual entrance exam Andy Reid passed at the start of this year, to see if he was smart enough to retain his job:

Your team is trailing 21-14 in the waning minutes of a crucial division game. You have no timeouts left and face a 4th and 10 at your own 43-yard line. What do you do?

Kick a FG, making it 21-17	Kick a FG, making it 21-21
Call a QB sneak	Call a timeout

Your team has the ball at midfield with no timeouts and just 20 seconds left on the first-half clock. You need to pick up 20 yards for a realistic FG chance. What do you do?

Call a FB screen pass in the center	Call a QB sneak
Call a FB screen pass on the left	Call a timeout

It’s the first play of the game against the worst-rated run defense in the league. Your QB may have suffered a rib injury in the opening warm up, and is throwing up on the sideline. What do you do?

Call a 15-yard pass play	Call a 50-yard pass play
Call a pass 10 yds behind the line	Call a timeout

It’s overtime, you just used your last timeout and there are only three seconds left in the game. Your offensive coordinator says the only remaining option is a Hail Mary pass. What do you do?

Call a run play	Call a FB swing pass
Kneel and hope for double overtime	Call a timeout

How many seconds are left in the game if the two-minute warning has just sounded?

200 seconds	15 minutes
There’s not another quarter left?!?	Call a timeout

You’re playing scrabble. You can get a triple-word score if you spell out a seven letter word starting with T. In your hand you have two Ts, an M, and the vowels I, E, O and U. What do you do?

Call a swing pass to Mike Vick	Spell out “Toe”
Spell out “Item Out”	Spell out “Swing Pass”

Don’t worry about your score – no matter what you picked, you’re as qualified as Reid to call plays with the game on the line.

QB: Kurt Warner, 40.74 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Michael Turner, 32.03 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, 29.20 pts – started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 27.73 pts – started by NewMike
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 14.50 pts – started by Joel
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Anthony Hargrove, 13.40 pts – sitting on the wire

Everyone who was looking for a last-second fill in defense for this weekend, you lose. The Tampa Bay defense – which, admittedly, no one should have ever considered picking up – was the big winner this week and has been available all season long.

In light of that upset, his my advice for next week: Grab the Rams defense while you can. They’re guaranteed to light it up against the Saints next week.

That big defensive performance by the Tampa Bay Bucs propelled them to their first win of the year, raising their record to an exciting 1-7 on the season. Here’s how they can still win their division title:

** They win their final eight games (which is impossible)
** The Panthers lose three of their final eight (a real possibility)
** The Falcons lose five of their final eight (including two to the Bucs and one to the Panthers)
** The Saints lose seven of their final eight (including two to the Bucs, one to the Rams and one to the DC Racial Slurs);

Then, the Bucs would finish the season 9-7, tied with the Saints but holding the division record tiebreaker. And then they’d be guaranteed a first-round home playoff game.

And then the world would stop spinning on its axis.

3rd place – Brandon Jones, -0.06 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Matt Leinart, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -3.00 pts – started by Neal

Thanks in large part to Chicago’s D, Neal’s six lowest-scoring players combined for –1.33 pts. His six other players scored 78.40 pts, which almost makes it look like a respectable week. Almost.

Highlights from the Andy Reid press conference this week, a veritable smorgasbord of stupid comments:

On why the team couldn’t execute on Sunday: “Maybe they’re trying too hard. That might be it.”
Oh yeah, that’s it. They were definitely trying too hard on all those failed yard-to-go conversions.

On those challenges: "The two missed challenges on my side of things, that was a problem, and whether they were right or wrong they were wrong.”
That’s just not English.

On Mike Vick: “I’m not disappointed. Not at all. He’s handled himself very well.”
Vick has accounted for 33 yards of total offense this year. That’s 17 fewer yards than WR Greg Lewis. I’m not sure how you can spin Vick being 2/3rds the player that Lewis is as a positive.

On his responsibility as coach: “I think it comes down to putting players in the right position to execute. We all get a piece of the pie.”
That’s a flat out lie. When Andy is around, no one else gets any pie. They’re lucky to escape with their limbs intact.

When Cowboys owner Jerry Jones built his new NFL stadium last year, he put in a gigantic high-def scoreboard, oversized cupholders for fat fan’s oversized dinners, even overhead cages for cheerleaders to dance in.

And when he was finished, he gave it a name befitting his monstrous creation, hiding its true purpose by scrambling the letters. Just look:

New Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas
-- Cube is a tin gym, a wanton sex-to-sin world --

I’m not completely sure what that means, but it’s pretty clearly evil. Possibly sexy, but sexy evil, much like a banshee in a mini-skirt (also known as a Cowboys cheerleader).

Your impossible college stats of the weekend:

** Cincinnati QB Zach Collaros – 19 completions, 480 yds, 1 TD
** Texas WR Jordan Shipley – 11 catches, 273 yds, 1 TD
** Missouri WR Danario Alexander – 13 catches, 213 yds, 1 TD
** Georgia Tech RB Jonathan Dwyer – 23 rushes, 195 yds, 1 TD
** Buffalo RB Jeffvon Gill – 23 rushes, 175 yds, 1 TD
** Virginia Tech RB Ryan Williams – 23 rushes, 179 yds, 0 TDs

Look over that list again. Someone explain to me how these six guys could collectively cover more than 1,500 yds – that’s running the length of the football field 15 times – and only manage five scores on the day.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

It’s looking more and more like one-time champ Paul may be the only hope in unseating the newbie. Either way, both of them are starting to pull away from the pack.

** Dad dropped to 10 back in the weekly picks, just nine weeks in. Ouch. Just ouch.

** In their last 10 games decided by four points or less, the Eagles are now 1-8-1. That damn tie is going to haunt all of us forever.

** Great question at trivia tonight – in the four major professional sports leagues (NHL, not MLS, is the fourth) there are nine teams whose names don’t end in “s.” Name them.

I’m not gonna help you. I’ll let that drive you bonkers for another week.

The Phils lost, and that's OK

Look, no way to sugarcoat it: Getting that close to the title and losing just sucks. There are no smiling faces at Fort Awesome tonight (Well, the Harry Kalas doll still is, but the smile is sewn onto his mug). But it doesn't feel like when the Eagles lost the Super Bowl, or when the Lakers ripped through the Sixers, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game, or when the Eagles lost that NFC championship game.

You know why?

Because Jimmy Rollins is still a World Series Champion. Ryan Howard still has a World Series ring. Chase Utley is still a WFC. David Wright still can't say that. And this loss doesn't change 2008.

Yeah, a repeat championship would have been awesome. Yeah, losing to New York sucks. But Philly was been home to the World Champion Phillies for 371 days, and they came within two wins of extending that another 365 days. Remember, it took 25 years to be able to say that.

No need for Negadelphia today. The Phils will return in April with the same line-up of power hitters and a full season of Cliff Lee. "Maybe next year" is an actual sincere phrase in this case. Hell, maybe even a few of the baseball experts might actually pick them to win the NL East.

It's a been a great three years of baseball out of this team, possibly the best in the 126-year history of the team. You can't be too angry about that.

**********

To the Yankees fans, congratulations. That obscene $207 million payroll got you exactly what you always hoped for: A championship for Alex Rodriguez.

Enjoy watching him at the parade.

He's the highest-paid hitman ever to play in the majors. On the field he's an all-around cheat (steroids, sure, but remember this and this too?) Off the field he's an embarrassment to humanity (Cheats on his wife, hangs out with strippers, whined about the pressure of his contact, leveled false accusations about reporters researching his steroids use). In 16 years he's had one successful postseason. He might get excluded from the Hall of Fame because of their "good character" clause.

And now he'll be considered the greatest Yankee of all-time.

Think I'm exaggerating? Watch carefully over the next few years as the inevitable happens. He'll break the all-time HR record in a Yankee uniform. He'll be invited to every big game after his retirement. Sports writers will wax poetically about his lofty stats and start comparing him to Ruth and Gerhig, and argue he was a better all-around player.

The only reason they weren't before was because he had no championships. Now he does, and he'll be the face of the Yankees for all time, New York's own Barry Bonds in a permanent New York uniform.

Jeter? Great player. Rivera? One of the top closers ever. Pettitte? Clutch performer. But they'll be secondary stories before 2010 starts.

For A-Rod, this was vindication and a coronation, "proof" that he is the greatest player ever. Embrace it, because any integrity that was left is now out the door with a player that Yankees fans have rightfully booed more times than any Red Sawx star.

So congratulations again. That 27th championship was definitely worth the last bit of remaining class of the first 26.

2009 fantasy recap, week #8

A closer look at the biggest choke jobs from Gotham in the last 15 years:

1995 – The New York Knicks, in the first game of the Eastern conference semifinals, boast a six-point lead with 17 seconds left in the game. But they miraculously surrender 11 points to Reggie Miller over those final ticks, and lose 107-105. They go on to lose the series in seven games.

2001 – The New York Yankees hold a 3-2 lead in the World Series after a pair of extra-inning wins over the Diamondbacks in New York. They are blown out in game six, and in game seven Mariano Rivera blows a one-run ninth-inning lead as Arizona wins the series.

2002 – The New York Giants, playing in the first-round of the playoffs, led the 49ers 35-14 with under five minutes left in the third quarter but surrendered three touchdowns, a two-point conversion and a field goal to lose 39-38. To add more insult to the loss, the refs blow an easy pass interference call against the 49ers on the final play of the game, denying a chance at a game-winning field goal.

2003 – The New York Giants, 25 years after the Miracle at the Meadowlands, lead the Eagles 10-7 with 1:18 left to play when RB Brian Westbrook returns a punt 84 yards for the game-winning TD. The win raises the Eagles record to 3-3, and is the first of an eight-game win streak that sees them finish the year at 12-4.

2004 – The New York Yankees, led by Derek Jeter, blow a three games to none lead in the ALCS by losing four straight games to the Boston Red Sox (including two in Yankee Stadium.) The Red Sox become the first team ever to come back from a 3-0 deficit in the playoffs.

2007 – The New York Mets, who held a seven-game division lead with 17 games left in the season, lose 12 of their remaining games and miss the playoffs as the Philadelphia Phillies steal the NL East title on the final day of the season. The next season they again lose on the final day of the season and miss the playoffs.

2009 – The New York Yankees …

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 34.68 pts – started by me
RB: Chris Johnson, 37.53 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Reggie Wayne, 27.80 pts – started by Joel
TE: Dustin Keller, 19.07 pts – started by ChampMike
K: Rob Bironas, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 31.00 pts – started by Neal
D: Spencer Haver, 15.40 pts – sitting on the wire

Haver totally cheated to get on this list; The Green Bay linebacker was inserted into the offense in the second half of Sunday’s game, catching two TDs while pretending to be a TE. If there was any justice, NewMike would get credit here for starting Julius Peppers and his 13 pts. But there isn’t, so he won’t.

You could have been rich if you had bet…

… that Eagles FB Leonard Weaver would rush for more yards on Sunday (75) than LaDainian Tomlinson (56).
… that seven games into the year Texans 3rd string RB Ryan Moats would have more rushing TDs (three) than Eagles 1st string RB Brian Westbrook (one).
… that this Sunday Eagles QB Donovan McNabb would have more catches (one) than Vikings WR Greg Lewis (zero).
… that Colts QB Peyton Manning would pass for over 300 yds this week (347) but zero touchdowns.
… that the Rams would win a game.

"Just players we started" edition
3rd place – Shonn Greene, -0.20 pts – started by Bobert
1st place (tie) – Seattle, -2.00 pts – started by Jeff
1st place (tie) – Green Bay, -2.00 pts – started by Joel

I hate ties, so let’s say Jeff had the worst starter this week.

Every Friday ESPN announcer Chris Berman does a preview of the upcoming slate of NFL games in a quick segment that SportsCenter calls “the two minute drill.”

Last Friday, the segment was five minutes long and was about 75 percent focused on the World Series. He never mentioned the upcoming Eagles-Giants game.

For the record, Fox baseball commentator Tim McCarver has said many, many stupider things in this World Series (in game five, within 10 minutes, he used the phrases “with which to hit except” and “it can be realized during the throw”) but the grammar auto-correct would not allow me to type any of them out completely.

On a scale from 1 (utterly predictable) to 10 (unbelievably unbelievable)

1 -- QB Eli Manning made a funny face
2 -- QB Eli Manning threw a pair of dumb INTs
3 -- QB Mike Vick was a non-factor in the game
4 -- WR Jeremy Macklin caught a TD.
5 -- QB Donovan McNabb still had a stupid fumble.
6 -- The Eagles won the game by 23 points.
7 -- No one covered WR DeSean Jackson on his TD catch.
8 -- The Eagles let their fullback rush the ball.
9 -- The Eagles fullback scored a rushing TD.
10 -- The Eagles scored two TDs in the last two minutes of a half.

Big game between Philly and Dallas this upcoming Sunday. Both the Eagles and Cowboys are coming off big wins. Both their QBs looked sharp this past week. Both their defenses look solid. Everything points to a close game … except for Dallas’ own interior defense. Just look at what Keith Brooking’s name clearly spells out.

Dallas Cowboys inside linebacker Keith Brooking
--- I beckon dis: Hero Eagles tack dorks, win by a billion ---

It’s bad enough the Cowboys are evil; The least they could learn is proper spelling.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Paul holds onto the top spot for the second week in a row (only the second time this year that’s happened) but the real story is Champ Mike, who just two weeks ago was in 10th place and slipping. Now ‘s back up in the top half … and he’s not even in this country. I’ve always said with strong, reliable fantasy coaching you don’t even need to be in the same room as your players.

Neal, who has effectively destroyed my “Andy Reid Blown Coaching Call of the Week” award, managed to outscore seven other teams despite leaving three inactive players in his roster. And more great news: One of those inactive defensive players he keeps using finally appeared on the field this week, meaning he scored his first points of the season out of the defensive player slots. It now looks inevitable that’s he’ll erase that 300-point hole he’s dug for himself.

** Dad finally broke the ice on the 2009 NFL season, going up a game in the weekly picks for the first time all year. That leaves him a mere seven games behind on the season. He’d be only six down if he hadn’t picked against the Eagles this week.

** This week’s reader-submitted links:
From Paul – Stop zooming in on Andy Pettitte.
From NewMike – Which big hit is worse? Raiders or Packers?

** On Saturday night Tim McCarver said that Brett Myers "knows something about strikes, because his teammates say he's the best bowler on the team." Later, when he struck out Jeter on a ball in the dirt, McCarver said "sometimes gutterballs can lead to strikes." I still am not sure why he wasn't arrested on the spot.

** Another baseball game tomorrow night, kids. Just take them one at a time.

2009 fantasy recap, week #7

With the World Series just hours away, here’s a closer look at some of the members of the 2009 New York Yankees:

** SS Derek Jeter – Widely considered the greatest Yankee of the last four decades, Jeter sits behind career role players like Julio Franco, Rabbit Maranville and Steve Finley on the all-time hits list.
** OF Johnny Damon – He is the first caveman ever to appear in the World Series with two different teams.
** 3B Alex Rodriguez – A well-known drug user, adulterer, and pathological liar whose teams were a combined 15-22 in the playoffs coming into this postseason.
** DH Hideki Matsui – He is Japanese.
** P Carsten Charles Sabathia – This 290-pound “athlete” cost the Yankees more than $4,260 per pitch this year. The 18 home runs he surrendered cost the Yankees over $75,000.

Can’t wait to see them up close.

QB: Carson Palmer, 39.32 pts – started by Jim
RB: Ricky Williams, 28.80 pts – started by Neal
WR: Chad Ochocinco, 29.87 pts – started by Jim
TE: Vernon Davis, 31.20 pts – started by Jim
K: Nick Folk, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Jets, 26.00 pts – started by Champ Mike
D: Will Witherspoon, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Thanks for letting the rest of us play this week, Jim – Three top performers, plus the #3 WR on the week (DeSean Jackson, with 25.92 pts) gave him a 180-plus week.

In other news, welcome to the team, Will Witherspoon. Nothing like starting your Eagles career with a sack, a forced fumble, an interception and a defensive TD.

** The Rams are on pace to score 138 pts this year (60 through seven games). For comparison, 16 teams have already scored more than that in the first seven weeks.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith threw three TDs in the second half alone of Sunday's loss, his first action of the season. He is now on pace to throw 60 more TD passes in San Francisco’s final 10 games.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace to pass for 16 yds this year (6 yds through six games) and rush for another 59 yds (22 yds so far). For comparison, Chiefs WR Mark Bradley has already passed for 26 yards and rushed for 20 … and collected 177 receiving yards.

** Bills WR Terrell Owens is on pace to collect 554 receiving yds this season (242 yds through seven games). For comparison, six other wideouts had already passed 560 yds at the end of this weekend.

** Cowboys QB Tony Romo is still on pace to choke again in December.

3rd place – Arnaz Battle, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Jamarcus Russell, -3.56 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -6.00 pts – started by Neal

Russell on Sunday passed for 61 yards, threw two INTs and fumbled once. In Oakland’s five losses, he’s amassed 721 yards, 1 TD and 11 turnovers. Of course, last week against the Eagles he threw for a season-high 224 yards and 1 TD. So, yeah… still angry about that.

On a happier note, Neal’s defense posted the lowest possible score this week – 45 points allowed, no sacks or turnovers. Neal started two players on a bye this week and three others who have yet to appear in a game, but someone all five of them outscored his defense by six points. That’s tough to do.

With the New York Giants first visit to Philly just days away, here’s a closer look at their team too:

** LB Antonio Pierce – Aided and abetted a known felon who fired off a handgun in a crowded New York nightclub, but faced no discipline from the team for his actions.
** WR Steve Smith – He’s the second best wide receiver named Steve Smith in the NFL, behind WR Steve Smith.
** RG Chris Snee – Drafted by the Giants in 2004, Snee is the son-in-law of Tom Coughlin, coach of the team. Those two facts are totally not connected, though.
** FB Madison Hedgecock – Hedgecock was unloved by his parents, hence his name.
** QB Eli Manning – Manning is the third-best QB in his family but the best Dopey Dwarf model of the entire Manning clan.

Can’t wait to see them again.

I still haven’t gotten a sufficient explanation why ESPN employs Matt Millen as an NFL analyst. The man was the GM behind the 0-16 Detroit Lions, the worst team in professional football history. In his first three years in Detroit the Lions went 0-24 on the road. The Lions won fewer than 30 percent of their games while he was with the team.

Clearly, this man knows nothing about football. And yet, before the Monday night football game, with Millen on hand as an NFL expert, analyst Stuart Scott asked him to explain whether the Eagles were legitimate playoff contenders or pretenders.

“Good question,” Millen said. “I think the answer is both.”

No, Matt, it can’t be both. Either you’ll make the playoffs, or you won’t. Teams don’t miss the playoffs and then get to play post-season games anyway. You have to pick one.

Millen went on to say that “when the Eagles are not playing well, they become less of a contender.” He said something after that, but honestly after that all I could hear for a few hours was a loud buzzing noise.

I make fun of the Cowboys players a lot here, but I understand that Dallas’ soulless paid employees are simply doing a job to earn a paycheck (a vile, disgusting job, but a job nonetheless). The folks that really upset me are the fans, especially the ones who go out of their way to support a despicable team dedicated to the destruction of all things good.

Take, for instance, the cheerleaders. Who would sign up to support a team full of baby-eaters and father-stabbers? It baffled to me, until I saw three-year cheerleader Tobie Kay Pervical and realized that the answer was as plain as the cutesy letters in her name:

Dallas Cheerleader Tobie Percival
--- I heart evil, crap-deedle caballeros ---

I know you think you sound smart, Tobie. But using the Spanish word for cowboys (caballeros) doesn’t prove anything if you use the made-up word “crap-deedle” before it. And no matter what language it is you still heart evil … just like all Cowboys fans.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Another week, another new name up top. New guy, Dad and Heidi are still lurking, but Paul opened up a decent lead this week.

He also managed to pass me in waiver wire moves too – in just seven weeks, he’s already rearranged his roster 24 times. There are only 18 roster spots on our teams, so at his current rate he’ll dump his entire slate of players nearly three times by the end of the season. In fairness, the St. Louis Rams should probably consider the same strategy.

** Dad dropped to eight back in the weekly picks; He hasn’t beat me for a single week this year. On the flip side, I’m doing terrible in fantasy this year. Maybe if he’s start winning in our picks again I’d start winning with my fantasy teams.

** For what it’s worth, in my current NFL season on the PS2 the Eagles are 7-0, scoring 546 pts and allowing only 16. In my last game the Eagles beat the Bucs 91-0, and my strong safety wasn’t player of the game despite four INTs and three defensive TDs (because my defensive ends combined for 25 sacks). And Andy Reid does not call any plays for my team. Draw your own conclusions.

** This week ESPN’s Mike Greenberg called the Steelers/Vikings game from Sunday “one of the most exciting finishes in the history of the NFL.” The last eight minutes featured three turnovers, two 70-plus-yrd defensive TDs, and a 101-yrd kickoff return for a TD. Very exciting, and I wouldn’t rate it among the best 100 games I’ve seen in my life. Really, one of the most exciting in history? C’mon.

** If Second Lady Jill Biden shows up at tomorrow night’s World Series game in New York wearing a Phillies hat (she grew up in Willow Grove), I swear I’ll vote democrat in next week’s city council elections. (For the record, I believe the candidates in the local election are unopposed, and there are no Republicans in Maryland.)

Not done yet, boys

But you are the first Phils team ever to go to back-to-back World Series.

So drink it up, for the moment.

2009 fantasy recap, week #6

So how closely have you been watching the NLCS? Haven't missed a second? Prove it by answering these questions about the incessant, unbearable commercials on TBS.

1. Match the song with the product: Yes, "I've seen all good people"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


2. Match the song with the product: Cat Stevens, "If you want to sing out"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


3. Match the song with the product: Beatles, "All you need is love"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


4. Match the song with the product: Black Eyed Peas, "Meet me halfway"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


5. Match the song with the product: Bon Jovi, "We weren't born to follow"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


6. Complete this sentence: Don't throw a gameday party without ...
McDonalds avocados TBS
salsa Donald Trump


7. Complete this sentence: Black dress, black eye, black sheep, ...
black angus black coffee black taco
black attack black Doritos


8. Which of these actors does not star in "Men of a Certain Age"?
Ray Romano
George Lopez
Andre Braugher
Scott Bakula
They all star in that stupid show

Anything less than a five on this quiz, and you're either lying about watching the games or you've been taking a lot of bathroom breaks during commercials. Either way, I envy you.

QB: Tom Brady, 51.20 pts – started by NewMike
RB: Ray Rice, 37.50 pts – started by Joel
WR: Randy Moss, 34.60 pts – started by me
TE: Owen Daniels, 24.20 pts – started by Paul
K: Ryan Longwell, 16.00 pts – started by Heidi
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts – started by Joel
D: Leonard Little, 13.00 pts – sitting on the wire

First time this year we’ve had six of the seven top performers started in the league – can we go for seven next week?

And for the record, Brady collected more than 32 fantasy pts in the second quarter Sunday alone (200+ passing yards, 5 TDs) which was better than all but two other QBs had on the week.

Let’s face it – you’re never going to have a day in the NFL like Patriots QB Tom Brady did on Sunday (6 TDs, 152.8 rating) or Saints QB Drew Brees (4 TDs, 156.8 rating). But if you walked outside on Sunday and dropped a football on the ground, then you recorded a 39.5 QB rating (1 pass attempt, 0 completions) which was better than four starting NFL signal callers did. Here’s what you would have to do to be worse at quarterbacking than these guys were:

Seahawks Matt Hasselbeck: 10 of 29, 112 yds, 1 INT (32.5 rating)
How you could be worse: Interceptions are the key here, as they drive down your rating. So instead of heading out back and throwing the ball into the ground, throw it up on the roof and get it stuck there – losing your football counts as an INT, right? It’ll probably take you 20 tries, but that would earn you a 18.8 rating (20 attempts, 0 completions, 1 INT).

Lions Daunte Culpepper: 6 of 14, 48 yds, 1 INT (22.3 rating)
How you could be worse: This time, head out front and just start throwing your football into traffic. If you can thread the needle and lose your ball into the open window of a passing car just once in 15 tries, you’d earn a 11.8 rating (15 attempts, 0 completions, 1 INT).

Jets Mark Sanchez: 10 of 29, 119 yds, 5 INT (8.3 rating)
How you could be worse: Walk out back, head over to your grill and just light the football on fire. That’s a perfect 0.0 QB rating (1 attempt, 0 completions, 1 INT). Of course, if you really wanted to be as bad as Sanchez was you’d need a six-pack of footballs and a few more grills.

Titans Kerry Collins: 2 of 12, -7 yards, 1 INT (4.9 rating)
How you could be worse: The key here is not just the rating but the negative yardage – it’s near impossible to be that bad. In fact, I defy you to find a way to be this bad. The only idea for comparison I had involved inviting a neighbor over for a game of catch and having a section of your yard collapse into the ground during an earthquake, but even that seems less terrible than Collins’ line.

Backup QBs edition
3rd place – Mike Vick, -0.40 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Drew Stanton, -1.72 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Vince Young, -2.10 pts – sitting on the wire

Starters weren’t the only disappointments this week; Stanton and Young came in for mop-up duty and sucked mightily. Vick only appeared for one play on Sunday, a rush for -4 yds. That was still one more play than anyone wanted to see him for.

I know we’ve been over this many, many times before. But until Andy Reid learns, there isn’t anything I can do but keep yelling into the hurricane and hope that it makes a difference.

On Sunday, Brian Westbrook had six rushes for 50 yards, a 8.3-yrd average. He had nine catches for 91 yards, a 10.1-yrd average. And he had three touches in the fourth quarter, when the game really mattered.

Because when it comes down to it, Andy Reid does not understand that Brian Westbrook is his best player, and that professional NFL teams need both a running game and passing game. He dialed up 54 pass plays and 12 running plays (one for Vick!) in that embarrassing loss. Reid is now 3-6-1 in his last six AFC road games.

What’s that Einstein quote? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s the Andy Reid coaching style, ladies and gentlemen.

That would be Donovan McNabb, who said “timeout” at the end of the first half when his team had none left. That was idiotic.

Honorable mention goes to Maryland Racial Slurs radio color commentator Sonny Jurgensen, who had his own turd of a game to watch on Sunday. In the third quarter of the DC team's loss to Kansas City, the Chiefs lined up to go for it at midfield facing a 4th and 10.

The other commentators questioned the call, but Jurgensen calmly explained that “The Chiefs are just trying to draw them offsides, to get the first down.” When someone explained to him that an offsides penalty is only five yards, Jurgensen said he didn’t agree with the strategy either.

Jurgensen didn’t say later on if he agreed with the home team’s decision to get tackled in the end-zone for a game-losing safety, but I imagine someone with a sharp football mind like that would not back the strategy.

When it comes to the NFL draft, the Cowboys are just like any other team. Sometimes they draft for need, sometimes they draft the best available player. Unlike other teams, sometimes they draft for pure evil. Take their new kickoff specialist David Buehler; why did they choose him this past spring? Just look at his name and you’ll see why:

Dallas Cowboys Place Kicker David Buehler
-- A bad place: I’ve killed boys w/ ardor, chuckles --

Granted, he has a better vocabulary than most Cowboys (let’s see Romo use "ardor" in a sentence) but that doesn’t make him any less evil.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.
Good week by all (by which, I mean good week for me and screw the rest of you) except for Neal, who still has yet to get one point from a kicker or defensive player. Those three positions average around 15 pts a week for everyone else’s team; By my count, he has cost himself approximately 90 pts in the standings with his innovative strategy.

And yet, it still seems like a better game plan than passing 17 times in the last 19 offensive plays of a game, Coach Reid. Don’t you just accidentally call a running play once in a while, or are there really none on that chart?

** Dad dropped to seven back in the weekly picks, and at least three of those are because he continues to pick against the Saints. I think it’s also because he’s got no jazz in him anymore.

** I’m sure you saw it everywhere this weekend, but the Phils outscored the Eagles 11-9 on Sunday. That’s either terrible or awesome, depending on your perspective. Since I’m a huge Phillies and Broncos fan, I think it’s awesome.

** In case you couldn’t figure it out on your own, the quiz answers are (no cheating!):

-- Chase, T-Mobile, Blackberry, Direct TV, TBS. Don’t throw a gameday party without avocados. Black eye, black sheep, black taco. And George Lopez has his own stupid show, not that one.

I’ve seen those commercials so many times they’re starting to come through in my dreams. After these playoffs are over I never want to hear about Ray Romano’s bowel movements again.

** Before you ask, of course I was wearing my Jimmy Rollins T-shirt when Jimmy hit that game-winning double last night; I switched out of the playoff shirt as soon as he came up to the plate. I told you last week: “Verdict: Keep it off, but nearby for a late Rollins at bat.” (see below if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Did the T-shirt provide that extra oomph that got the ball all the way to the back fence? I can’t say for sure. Will I be keeping that T-shirt nearby throughout the rest of the post-season? Of course.

2009 fantasy recap, week #5

Here’s my fashion schedule for the baseball postseason:

The Chase Utley T-shirt
This goes on at the start of games, and usually means good things for the Phillies offense. However, it has mixed results with Phillies pitching, and was present in DC for one of Cliff Lee’s worst outings of the year.
Verdict: Acceptable to wear during early innings.

The Jimmy Rollins T-shirt
Jimmy actually plays better when I wear his number, but it doesn’t transfer over to anyone else in the lineup. It also is a size too large and makes me look like I’m wearing Matt Stairs’ clothes.
Verdict: Keep it off, but nearby for a late Rollins at bat.

The 2008 WFC T-shirt
This is the Cliff Lee shirt; It reminds him that he doesn’t have a ring yet, and he’ll need to buckle down to earn one. So far he’s got a 1.65 ERA with me wearing it. Unfortunately, it does nothing for Cole Hamels.
Verdict: A must-wear for the Cy Young winner’s games

The Eagles T-shirt
This item has no Phillies in it, and repeated washings have not gotten the Mike Vick smell out.
Verdict: Banned from the same room as a Phillies game.

The playoff shirt
My red Philadelphia 76ers shirt – On the front, it has “It’s a Philly thing” in a large, flowery font. It’s so ugly, I won’t wear it out of the house. But it’s the shirt I wore for the clinching game of all three post-season series last year.
Verdict: I’ve changed into it midway through the last two games, both come from behind wins.

You may think all of this is amusing, but I assure you I’m not kidding. When Lidge came into the game last night, I ran across the house and grabbed the playoff shirt before he could throw a pitch. Nearly broke my neck, but it saved the game.

QB: Matt Hasselbeck, 35.94 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
RB: Michael Turner, 27.70 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Miles Austin, 39.15 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 27.80 pts – started by Joel
K: Lawrence Tynes, 14.00 pts – started by Dad
DEF: Seattle, 30.00 pts – started by Jeff
D: Ed Reed, 13.50 pts – sitting on my bench

Still not listed among the top performers: T.O. I’m just saying…

“Starting” Quarterbacks edition
3rd place: Seneca Wallace, -0.30 pts – started by me
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -0.88pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: JaMarcus Russell, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire

I say “starting” QBs because Yahoo told me that Seneca Wallace was starting this week, so I picked him up off waivers and dropped him into my lineup. Imagine how excited I was when I saw that Seattle had put up 41 pts in their win over the Jaguars … and how furious I was when I saw that Hasselbeck had thrown 4 TDs in his first game back.

A glitch in Yahoo also kept me from picking up two WRs Sunday night (have fun with Maclin and Austin Collie, latecomers!), so whoever behind the scenes at Yahoo is screwing me over gets the “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” award. You’ll see how much that hurt me in the standings later on.

Don’t know how closely you were watching that Broncos/Patriots game on Sunday, but about midway through the game they started running promos for the 60 Minutes episode coming up after the game. Play-by-play announcer Jim Nantz several times teased their lead report this way:

What is the most dangerous sport in the world? How about jumping off a cliff and waving your arms like a bird?

I didn’t see the report, so all day Monday I had a Lewis Black “If it weren’t for my horse” episode in my head. Is that a sport? Is it a separate from cliff diving, where they don’t act like a bird? If we’re just making stuff up, wouldn’t napalm juggling be more dangerous? Are those two sentences even connected? Was Jim Nantz just bored?

Naturally, I did the only logical thing: I went up to the roof and jumped off, to see if I could win a gold medal. It took me 20 hours to type this recap up with my broken arms.

Rocktober.

A few faces on the Dodgers have changed from last year, and a few of the old enemies are still there. Here’s a quick primer:

P Randy Wolf – This former Phillie is in his second stint with the California Yankees, but wasn’t with them for their abbreviated playoff run last year. Still, chances of the Wolf Pack re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 5 percent.

PH Jim Thome – This former Phillie will be the basis of at least three different features titled “Did the Phillies make the right choice letting him go?” The answer is an obvious yes, but they’ll debate it anyway.

P Vincente Padilla – This former Phillie (for the love of gawd, do they have any of their own players) has been a critical late-season add for the Dodgers. Chances of the Padilla Flotilla re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 2 percent.

LF Manny Ramirez – This former star of the “Predator” movies will play in the series, unless MLB decides to drug test the players before game one. (It won’t.)

P Jonathon Broxton – The Dodgers closer blew six saves this year. I’m just taking a wild guess here, but I’m betting that’s not going to be the headline when they talk about these two teams bullpens.

The stinking Cowboys managed to sneak out an overtime win against the dreadful Chiefs this weekend (The Eagles beat the Chiefs 34-14, FYI) and now face the unusual stretch of the Hotlanta Falcons, Seattle Seahawks and Philadelphia Eagles in the next three weeks. What’s odd about that? I’ll let Dallas’ lead RB spell that out for you.

Dallas Cowboys Running back Marion S. Barber
-- Birds alarm us. Bank on balance, wins? No. Go cry, bro. --

So for the next three weeks, we’re all really big birds fans … except for the Cardinals. They can still rot in Phoenix.

Click on the standings to see them larger.

Jeff posted the biggest week so far, posting 173.15 pts thanks to those two top performers. Champ Mike, meanwhile, posted one of the worst weeks ever in this league: A 50.75-pts week that featured only one player in double digits. His bench, for comparison, scored nearly 39 pts.

Neal failed to field a kicker, a defense or any defensive players this week, and started a WR who recorded no points. That’s about the only reason I didn’t fall into last place.

** Dad dropped another game in our standings solely because KC didn’t pull out that upset over the Cowboys. So he gets props for a gutsy call, but that still leaves him six games down just five weeks into the season.

** Browns QB Derek Anderson was 2 for 17 for 23 yards and one INT, posting a miserable 15.1 QB rating. Remember, just going outside and throwing a ball into the ground is a 39.5 QB rating. Anderson was two and a half times worse than that. Naturally, the Browns won that game, 6-3.

** I had planned a whole big section on the Maryland Racial Slurs losing to the Panthers, but nothing I could come up with was funnier than the Washington Post this morning: Taking the Giants out of the mix, the Racial Slurs four other opponents are 2-22 on the year. And those two wins are against the Maryland team.

** If the Dodgers get by the Phils, and the Yankees beat up the Angels, then the World Series will be Joe Torre vs his old team. You think the Brett Favre/Packers battle coverage was bad on ESPN? That would be 20 times worse. The Phils are playing for the sanity of baseball fans everywhere.