Japan posts wrap-up

We're safe and sound back at Fort Awesome, but I just wanted to wrap up a few loose ends before I get into the last-minute Draftsgiving preparations tomorrow.

First, I know several of you doubted the stories about my proposal to the Japanese government, their near-recognition of Draftsgiving day, and my decision to withhold the holiday from the Far East because of YMCA. I offer you this undeniable proof:


Second, I wanted to show you a picture of the luxury hotel near the imperial palace that we stayed in, but it didn't turn out. But I did get this picture of the map describing the deluxe accommodations:


Third, a few of you questioned why the site wasn't switched to "Off base" while I was 7,000 miles from Fort Awesome. Of course, we all know that Fort Awesome is a state of mind as well as a heavily fortified military facility, so I didn't feel it was necessary. Fort Awesome was always in my heart.

Also, that would have taken extra work.

And finally, this web site finally has a patron saint: I made sure to pray at the shrine for the Buddist god of public entertainment, better known for its tangible form of the tuniki, a raccoon dog creature. It's also known for its ... um ... prolific assets.


Feel free to use this site for all your prayer needs.

Japan post #5

You'd be surprised how similar Tokyo and any major U.S. city are:

Japan post #4

Bad news about my legislative efforts, my friends. I've formally withdrawn my application to have the Japanese Diet recognize Draftsgiving.

Let me explain.

Yesterday we managed to make it over to the Tokyo Dome to catch some good old fashioned Far East baseball. It was a hoot, even if my beloved Nippon Ham Fighters got shut out by the Soft Bank Hawks.

The game was constant noise, all of it positive. Whenever the Hamsters (actual nickname) got up to bat, their 5,000 fans in the bleachers sections rose, screamed out complex fight songs and swayed in rythm until the half inning was over. When the Hotlanta Hawks (not an acutal nickname) got up, their 5,000 bleacher fans, segregated on the other side of the outfield, did the same.

Even though no one booed, it was awesome. Beer girls carried a quarter-keg backpack up and down the aisles. Every strikeout got a standing ovation. Every double got a standing ovation. When the Hawks star hit a grand slam (the first I've seen live) their bleacher bums nearly rioted, and the Hammies fans sat quietly.

Then came the fifth inning.

After the Hamsters went down 1-2-3, a shrill-voiced woman came on the PA and asked everyone, in English, if they knew what time it was. Everyone stood up. Cheerleaders lined the infield, and the ground crew bowed to the stands.

And then everyone started singing YMCA.

Loudly.

Everyone.

Needless to say I learned a valuable lesson: When you export culture without conscience, you can do horrible things like convince an entire nation that the seventh-inning stretch can be and should be replaced by YMCA.

Until I'm sure the people of Japan understand that the Cowboys are evil, that Mike Vick is not a quarterback, and that Fred Taylor's groin is not something to be celebrated, I can't in good conscience push the complexity of Draftsgiving on them. The legislators here seemed to understand, in that when I told the guards at the pariliment building that they did not appreciate football enough they kindly asked me to leave.

We'll wrap up our fun over here in the next few days, and spend a little more time teaching the locals to love pigskin rather than forcing them to accept the NFL as their own personal savior.

Japan post #3

To show my dedication to bringing Draftsgiving to the Far East, I spent all of yesterday climbing to the top of the legendary Mount Hinokuchi.



So far, the locals have not been impressed.

Japan Post #2

Just to give you an update – so far the Japanese government has been reluctant to recognize Draftsgiving officially, in large part because of the lack of formal preparations underway at this late date, issues about the availability of draft coverage and Yeungling, and the fact that such a move could encourage Joe Theismann to travel overseas.

However, lawmakers did pass a resolution which mandates all citizens spit whenever they say T.O. (it comes up a surprising amount in Japanese conversations). So that’s progress.

The mandatory spit law is very odd and all over the news here, but you probably didn’t hear about it back in the states. That’s the liberal western media for you, always coving the pro-Cowboys stories but never paying attention to important things like the link between the 3-4 defense and constipation.

Wasn’t that why Parcells always made that face?

Japan Post #Wan

What I’ve learned so far…

Things that Japan does better than the US

1: Toilet seats
-- Over here, every toilet seat is heated. Yes, heated. When you sit down, your butt is warm. Why this is not standard in every civilized country is beyond me.

2: Aluminum cans
-- You want ice tea from a can? You can get that from a vending machine. You want hot tea from a can? Same vending machine. Hot coffee? Same can, same vending machine.

3: Baseball
-- West Coast 4pm games come on over here at 5am. East Coast night games are on TV at 8am, and West Coast night games at 11 am. Then, at 4pm, the Japanese teams games are on TV.

Things the US does much better than Japan

1: Fish
-- They have whole restaurants over here where the cooks routinely forget to cook the fish. And none of these people seem to realize they’re eating raw fish.

2: Elections
-- The local elections in Tokyo feature no street signs, no TV ads, no pamphlets. Instead, they have trucks with loudspeakers driving around town at all hours shouting out things like "Vote for change" and "Help me beat my wife." At least that’s what it sounds like.

3: Football
-- I actually found NFL Europe games on TV. That’s not healthy. And, despite the fact that I’ve been here for three days, they still have not recognized Draftsgiving as a national holiday.

The Draftsgiving post

Here's just a small part of the presentation I'll be giving next week to the Japanese prime minister ... or at least the guy who looks like him standing in the imperial gardens.

Defining Draftsgiving

What's the greatest holiday of the year? That's right, it's Thanksgiving. No gifts to by, no mandatory church services, no singing or decorating, no planting trees that'll fall down in a windstorm and wipe out your car in a few years (stupid Arbor Day). Thanksgiving is all about eating, watching football, eating, taking a nap, eating, having pie and a beer, and eating.

Don't we all deserve another Thanksgiving on the calendar? But where would we put it? April would be perfect, but there's no football to watch (don't peddle that Arena League crap around here). And without football, what would Thanksgiving be? Just another Thursday bingefest, without the deep joy of watching the Cowboys lose.

But hold on -- the NFL draft is every April. And that's almost football. And it takes a full Saturday just for the first round, where eating and drinking and pie and eating could be done. It's perfect!

And that, my friends, is Draftsgiving.

Essential items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1 -- The NFL Draft and a TV
You can't spell "Draftsgiving" without "draft." Go ahead, try. See? Simply put, the whole idea of having a second Thanksgiving hinges on having football on as an excuse to do nothing but eat and watch football.

2 -- A second TV
No one actually wants to watch draft coverage, of course. The trick is to have it on the first, small TV, so you can say that you're "watching football" without listening to Mel Kiper talk about the Iowa State kicker's unique style. I'd recommend a video game system and Mortal Kombat II on the second TV, or at the very least the NBA playoffs.

3 -- Beer
You're planning on watching 10 hours of draft coverage and accomplishing nothing else for the day. Without beer, this would be impossible. Most physicians I've interviewed agree that beer is the most responsible way to get your body at peak condition for the holiday. Make sure to open the first one before noon.

4 -- At least four other people
It's not a party unless you have five people and alcohol, and it's not a holiday unless there's a party. That's why St. Patrick's Day is loved by all Americans and Presidents Day flounders in government vacation obscurity.

5 -- Steaks off the grill
Feel free to add on as much other food as you'd like, but steaks are to Draftsgiving what turkey is to Thanksgiving. Do you prefer having sushi on Thanksgiving? Go back to Japan, you commie pig.

Optional items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1a -- A third TV
You know, there's nothing wrong with having the NBA playoff game and Mortal Kombat II on at the same time.

2a -- A pile of bad DVDs
The draft ends at 10 p.m., and you have three TVs. Every wonder if Wizard of Oz and Night of the Living Dead sync up and creepy times? Now is your chance to find out.

3a -- Mel Kiper
Really, we could do without him, but chances are he's the only one in the room who is gonna know who that defensive lineman the Eagles just drafted is. Just make sure you don't try to listen to him for more than an hour straight without drinking heavily.

4a -- Footballs
It's the best remote out there. If someone suggests turning off the draft, or going out to hit the local bar, a quick swing pass to the side of their head will correct the situation immediately.

More tips to come as the big day gets closer -- keep an eye on that countdown to the right!

Travel plans

Most of you know I'm going to be traveling to Japan this weekend for 12 days, returning just in time to get Fort Awesome ready for its third Draftsgiving Day bash.

I've been telling you all that the trip is related to work, but I've gotta come clean -- The real reason I agreed to travel so close to my favorite late April holiday (screw Administrative Professionals Day) is because I've been invited to speak before the Japanese Parliament as they consider recognizing Draftsgiving Day as an official holiday.

I'm sure you're as surprised as me. You're saying, "Capt. Awesome, why should I really believe that the Far East has any interest in a sport they never see live and have no athletes in? C'mon."

First off, I can't hear you through this computer unless you have VOIP, which you don't, so stop talking to the screen. And lose the attitude.

Second, the NFL has held exhibition games in Japan 13 times over the last 20 years, 12 times in Tokyo (including in 1993 when the Eagles brought Rich Kottite overseas, lost to the Saints, and for some reason brought him back to the Saints). And no Japanese NFL stars? Are you pretending like WR Noriaki Kinoshita didn't light it up in NFL Europe last year? Did he or did he not lead the league in kick return yards?

The fact is it's only a matter of time before Draftsgiving becomes a worldwide phenomenon, embraced by all cultures and nations (except for those lousy Cowboys fans, who only care about peddling evil and strife). Already, if you type Draftsgiving into Google you get hundreds of different hits worldwide -- just look at this screencap.

Tomorrow, I'll post some basic rules for celebrating the holiday so you can start to prepare your own Draftgiving Day commemoration, and hopefully I'll find time between meetings with Japanese royalty and politicians to keep up with the postings.

Until then, start praying the Eagles don't take another undersized defensive lineman.

Brain drain

I spent so much time focusing on Thiesmann last week, and so much time thinking about my first Draftsgiving post of the year (coming next week), that I'm left vacant and drooling like ... well ... like someone who spent last week thinking about Joe Theismann.

So, to tide you over, here are some quotes to make you stupider.

First from this morning:

"(Florida coach) Billy Donovan needs to do what's financially right for his family, and if that means leaving to go to Kentucky, he should do it." -- Digger Phelps, talking about rumors the coach may leave. His comments came two minutes after he praised the Florida players for staying in school an extra year and not just going for the big bucks in the pros.

"Traffic on Route 301 is backed up because of a down train gate blocking the road. Also, there's a train stopped at the intersection." -- A traffic report on NPR. Turns out they were wrong; That stopped train was what really was backing up traffic.

And now, some classic genius Joe Thiesmann for you:

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – probably the most famous Thiesmann quote.

“The best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." – Panthers vs. Eagles, Dec. 4, 2006

“I have a feeling (Ben) Roethlisberger may or may not finish this game tonight.” – Jaguars vs. Steelers, Sept. 18, 2006

“I think you need to be short and quick (to be a kick returner). You don’t have the ‘quicks’ when you’re tall.” – Bengals vs. Jaguars, Aug. 28, 2006

“There’s still a lot of game left.” – Redskins vs. Eagles, Nov. 6, 2005 (said with four minutes left in the second)

Thiesmann sighting

You probably heard about ESPN decision to drop Joe Theismann in favor of good old Jaws -- it's always nice to see a Redskin lose to an Eagle -- but you probably didn't know that Theismann is actively looking for another job outside of football.

I was shocked to find out that just this afternoon he had an interview at the local Best Buy in my nieghborhood, which has been looking for a floor sales manager for the last few weeks. But sure enough, my contacts got me the picture below and managed to sneak me a recording of his meeting with the local brass.

Manager: Mr. Theismann, let me tell you it's an honor to meet you, but I'm very surprised to see you here interviewing for a sales job at our store.

Joe: You shouldn't be. I'm a born salesman. What you have to understand is I was out there selling football every week for ESPN. Without me, those were just games. But when viewers turned in, I sold them the idea of watching those games. That's what football is about.

Manager: Uh, sure. So what do you know about electronics?

Joe: You've gotta have good speed on the sales floor. You can't take your time circling around the phone aisle when the customers are locked into the cameras. But speed isn't enough. You need quickness too. And it helps if you're fast.

Manager: Uh, OK ..... But what do you know about electronics?

Joe: Take Joe Gibbs. Great coach, but he'd never make it as a salesman. Why? Because he's a coach in football, not in sales. You can't take a genius like Gibbs and expect him to be able to sell laptops, or teach him how to race cars. Because what does a football guy know about racing?

Manager: Mr. Thiesmann, I don't know where to start with that one.

Joe: In football, you should always start with the kickoff. Coaches today can't be thinking about a two-point conversion in the fourth quarter when they haven't kicked off the ball yet. In sales, you should start with selling, or with the kickoff. That's just common sense.

Manager: Listen, I'm not sure you're right for this job.

Joe: See that woman? Want to know how to sell her a printer?

Manager: That's a cardboard cutout of a sales associate.

Joe: It's all about the selling. You've got to tell her that printing is about getting ink on the paper, and this machine will take care of that.

Manager: That's a trash can.

Joe: I'd tell her this is a great north-south printer. When the ink hits the paper, it's running downhill. What I'm impressed with is how the paper takes on the ink. That's a great job of knowing your role. Not like that smart-ass Kornheiser. Doesn't he know who the star is?

Manager: Thanks for your time. We'll be in touch.

My sources tell me that on his way out, Theismann tripped over a 5-year-old running around the store in a Lawrence Taylor jersey. Theismann's leg twisted grotesquely under his body as he fell. People around here are still talking about it as the worst injury they've seen since ... well, you know.

Build a back!

Hey, kids! Sad that your team didn't sign a big third-down back this off-season? Now you can build your own! Just click on the picture below, cut out the parts and mix and match until you find a RB that can move forward in short yardage situations.


The best part is your back will play for next to nothing, helping you save money to sign a fifth-string defensive lineman to a multi-year deal. Eveybody wins!

Let's get it on

Another chance to prove you're smarter than me.

Get your yahoo login, then go here.

Click on the "Join Group" button. When prompted, enter the following information:

Group ID#: 102760
Password: stallworth

You only have until noon Thursday, so do it now.

Field of 64, Birds style

Since everyone is required to talk about sports in bracket form this time of year, here's this week's fond look back at the Eagles 2006 season. Click on the pic to view it large.

A warning

You may have heard the sad news about Captain America today.

All I'm saying is that you don't get to captain just by calling yourself "captain." They don't call me Capt. Awesome for nothing, and you're either for the Awesome Army or against it.

So take this as a warning, Crunch. I eat people like you for breakfast.

Dawkins Watch, Sighting #1

I'm launching a new feature this week -- A lot of folks know Brian Dawkins as the greatest safety in the NFL, but few know about the off-field work he's involved in. As a public service, I'll be following him around during the offseason to let you know what he's up to and who he's helping today.


Dawk sighting: 3/6/07
Dawk location: Outside the Philly sports complex
Dawk mood: Chipper
Dawk action: For the past two weeks #20 has been patrolling the sports complex area, keeping crime down and working on a cure for cancer. On Monday, as a car sped carelessly down South 7th, he heroically pushed an 8-year-old girl out of the road and even more heroically pushed a 45-year-old Cowboys fan into the street.

Stay tuned.

What to expect in April

After a full week of spring training I feel confident I really have the pulse of this team. In fact, I’m ready to predict how they’ll do in every game in April:

April 2	Atlanta	loss 4-6
April 4	Atlanta	loss 2-7
April 5	Atlanta	win 6-3	(Howard homers)
April 6	at Florida	loss 1-5
April 7	at Florida	win 10-0	(Howard homers)
April 8	at Florida	win 8-3
April 9	at NY Mets	win 5-4
April 11	at NY Mets	loss 1-2
April 12	at NY Mets	win 4-3	(11 innings)
April 13	Houston	win 9-5	(Howard homers twice)
April 14	Houston	win 4-3
April 15	Houston	loss 2-9	(Howard homers)
April 16	NY Mets	loss 0-5
April 17	NY Mets	win 7-6
April 18	at DC	loss 6-8	(10 innings)
April 19	at DC	win 3-1
April 20	at Cincinnati	win 5-3	(Howard homers)
April 21	at Cincinnati	win 6-3	(Howard homers)
April 22	at Cincinnati	win 7-2
April 24	DC	win 9-7	(12 innings, Howard homers)
April 25	DC	loss 1-4
April 26	DC	win 13-3
April 27	Florida	win 5-2
April 28	Florida	loss 4-5	(Howard homers)
April 29	Florida	loss 4-6
April 30	at Atlanta	loss 2-3

They’ll finish the month 15-11, second place in NL East. Howard will have nine home runs and 24 RBIs.

Frankly, I’m surprised the other so-called Phillies experts aren’t men enough to make their predictions public. Maybe they aren’t as smart as me, but it seems pretty obvious that the Phils will sweep that series against the Reds. But that's just me.

I’ll post how they’ll finish in May and June later. That July swoon is really going to hurt them.

Spring Training

Phillies spring training gets in full swing this week, which means two things: someday winter will end and that icy spot on the driveway will finally go away; and baseball is just around the corner.

So to help you get ready for the excitement of foul outs and the infield fly rule, here are six reasons (in tribute to the reigning MVP) that you should be getting yourself in a Phillies state of mind.

The Phillies are guaranteed to hit a historic milestone this summer.
Sure, it's a lousy milestone, but history is history. The Phils need 44 more losses to become the first pro sports franchise ever to record 10,000 losses. With luck, it should come just after the All-Star break in July. You can follow here.

The Phillies could double the other major Philly sports teams' win totals.
On the positive side, 90 wins isn't out of the question for the Phils. The Eagles successful season ended with 11 wins. Right now the Sixers have 17 wins and the Flyers have 16, and they very well might not win another game. That gives them 44 total. It could happen.

The Philles have a pair of mutant freaks on their squad.
One you know about: Ryan Howard's superpower allows him to send little white balls into orbit. But Antonio Alfonseca actually qualifies as a carnival freak -- he has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. Seriously.

A 162-game baseball season gives me 162 chances to post anagrams.
That's not gonna happen. But it does give me a chance to dabble in one now and then, to keep my skills sharp. Chase Utley? "He lusty ace!"

The Braves still suck.
Baseball is a good time to recailbrate your hatreds during the NFL offseason. Now, you've got to shift from hating the Dallas Cowboys, New Jersey Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs over to hating the Hotlanta Braves, the New York Mets, and the Dallas Cowboys. Gawd, I hate those Cowboys.

It's either watch the Phillies or the Philly Soul.
The Arena football league starts March 9. Todd France, the very poor man's David Akers, still plays for the squad. Somebody named Felipe Claybrooks plays defense for them. And the Soul has only won one playoff game in their history. No thanks.

The first preseason game is March 1, against the Tigers. Start coming up with your best Placido Palanco taunts now.

Fantasy football recap, Pro Bowl week

-- Top performers, Pro Bowl edition
QB: Carson Palmer, 20.60 points – sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 11.10 points – sitting on the waiver wire
WR: Reggie Wayne, 19.60 points – sitting on the waiver wire
TE: Alge Crumpler, 7.00 points – sitting on the wavier wire
K: Nate Keading, 7.00 points – sitting on the wavier wire
DEF: AFC, 19.00 points – sitting on the waiver wire
        Of course, you’d have to be sick to care about the fantasy stats of Pro-Bowl players.
        You’d have to be even sicker if Tony Romo’s interception and Tiki Barber’s cavalier rushing cost you the freaking All-Star fantasy game championship. I’m just saying.

-- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Football season is officially over, and Sean Salisbury is already working on ruining next season.
Exhibit #1 -- Predicting the Raiders record in 2007: “I see them as a sub-par .500 team. I can’t see them winning more than four games.”
        Then why did you just say they’d be a .500 team, even if they’re sub-par?
Exhibit #2 -- Grading the Lions 2006 season: “This is easy to assign a grade to. I’d give them a C-minus or worse.”
        If it’s so easy, why can’t you just pick a grade?
Exhibit #3 -- On Marty Schottenheimer’s firing: “It is a surprise, but it’s one that a lot of people saw coming.”
        Please, dear gawd, stop the pain

-- Best names in the upcoming draft
*** Tony Ugoh, Arkansas OT – I can’t decide if it’s pronounced “Yugo” or “Ugh”
*** Tony Gonzalez, Ohio State WR – He goes by Anthony, but c’mon: He’s a big guy who catches passes. Of course he’s Tony Gonzalez.
*** Tim Crowder, Texas DE – You gotta like a pass rusher whose name is crowder.
*** Tom Zbikowski, Notre Dame S – Good luck pronouncing that on day two.

-- Funniest thing I read this week
        “It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -- Bill Watterson

-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        I just couldn’t wait until next season.
        How will “New Head Coach Wade Phillips” do when he takes over the Cowboys next season? Let’s have a look:
*** Sad dope will ache, chap, whine
        Sounds like he’s already in that mid-season Dallas form to me.

Peace Prize finalists

Nothing funny this week -- just a public service announcement. You may have seen the story that Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, but as you know the full list of nominees is not released. But through some digging, I got a partial list for you.

Al Gore; former vice president, United States
-- Nominated for his efforts on climate change awareness

Thich Quang Do; political prisoner and monk, Vietnam
-- Nominated for his work to promote human rights and democracy
Sail Training International; non-profit charity, United Kingdom
-- Nominated for helping young people develop their minds through sailing

Marty Morningweg; offensive coordinator, Philadelphia Eagles
-- Nominated for his efforts to bring the run to the people of Philadelphia

Joe Theismann; commentator, ESPN
-- Nominated for his support of brain trauma research, by creating new research subjects through his mind-devestating speech

Rex Grossman; quarterback, Chicago Bears
-- Nominated for his generosity, especially when it comes to the Colts defense

Terrell Owens; wide receiver, Dallas Cowboys
-- Nominated for 25 million reasons

If I find out any more names, I'll let you know.

Professional column revisited

Here's the Super Bowl wrap-up. As promised, the lead makes fun of Dan Marino.

Super Bowl bets

I was just looking over the prop bets for the Super Bowl -- 100 to 1 odds that the Bears score exactly 39 points sounds like a good $10 bet to me, as does the 20 to 1 odds that Muhsin Muhammad wins the MVP award. But it got me thinking that they really should offer better options on these side bets...

Odds Bets
A third-quarter holding call by the ref robs one of the teams of the game:

ODDS -- 3 to 1

RB Fred Taylor gets injured on the first play, even though he's not in the game:

ODDS -- 4 to 1

After winning, the Bears dedicate the trophy to the city of New Orleans:

ODDS -- 10 to 1

The halftime show will be good, because it involved Prince:

ODDS -- 100 to 1

No one mentions Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are black until the 4th Q:

ODDS -- 200 to 1

The Colts' inspirational locker room speech includes special guest Barbaro:

ODDS -- 300 to 1

Phil Simms gives articulate and intelligent commentary throughout the game:

ODDS -- 1000 to 1

Over/Under Bets
Total number of Peyton Manning commercials:

O/U -- 17.5

Total funny Peyton Manning commercials:

O/U -- 1.5

Total number of Chunky soup commercials:

O/U -- 9.5

Total Chunky commercials featuring McNabb puking

O/U -- 0.5

Total cutaway shots of Eli Manning

O/U -- 7.5

Total cutaway shots of Eli Manning looking dopey

O/U -- 7.5

Cowboys coaching search

Though some of my NFL contacts, I came across the Cowboys' initial coaching candidates list today. It was tough to get my hands on it, but it's very interesting.

---------------------------------------------------------
Cowboys Corporate Headquarters
2401 East Airport Freeway
Suite 666
Irving, Texas

RE: Head coaching vacancy

MEMO: Say nothing to the press until we've made a selection. We don't want to get forced into a Dave Campo situation again.

CANDIDATE: Jim Mora Jr.
PRIOR JOB: Falcons Head Coach
POSITIVES: Used to dealing with underachieving, overrated players like T.O. (see Mike Vick)
NEGATIVES: He ended the season by losing to the Eagles backups, a team led by Chris Weinke, and us. That’s pretty lousy coaching.
OUTLOOK: Incompetence shouldn’t eliminate him from this list -- We haven’t won a playoff game in nine years.


CANDIDATE: Troy Aikman
PRIOR JOB: Dallas QB, FOX commentator
POSITIVES: Before his frequent concussions, he was our best QB ever
NEGATIVES: After five years working with Joe Buck, those concussions are the least of his head trauma problems
OUTLOOK: I think Jimmy Johnson is still calling all his plays over at Fox, so probably not

CANDIDATE: Jerry Jones
PRIOR JOB: Cowboys Owner
POSITIVES: He’s a football genius (just look at that T.O. signing!) and a handsome man to boot
NEGATIVES: It’s gonna be awkward when he has to fire himself in three years
OUTLOOK: We should at least bounce this off him. Just be careful not to bounce it off that tightly-stretched face of his

CANDIDATE: Kim Etheredge
PRIOR JOB: Publicist for T.O.
POSITIVES: She’s used to working with jerks, and she knows how to make them look better
NEGATIVES: She usually makes them look better by making an ass of herself (See “25 million reasons to live”)
OUTLOOK: No way -- Even T.O. thought hiring her was a mistake


CANDIDATE: The greased up deaf guy from “Family Guy”
PRIOR JOB: Being greased up
NEGATIVES: He’s greased up, deaf, and isn’t real
POSITIVES: Even greased up and deaf, he still can hear a snap count and hold onto the ball better than Tony Romo
OUTLOOK: Strong possibility

CANDIDATE: Satan
PRIOR JOB: Prince of Darkness
POSITIVES: He already knows most of our players
NEGATIVES: Jerry Jones still owes him money from poker last week
OUTLOOK: If we ask him for any more favors, he’s gonna want those Super Bowls back



FINAL ANALYSIS: Geez, even Joe Gibbs looks like a good coach compared to these losers. Somebody call Bill back.

Hello Inky readers!

Since this site has gotten a lot more attention all of the sudden, can someone back in Philly forward my list of suggestions for this year's Wing Bowl over to the good gentlemen at 610 WIP?

-- I know Miss WIP does the egg drop to start off the festivities, but can't we invite Tony Romo up to do that instead this year? I hear he's good at dropping important things.

-- Can we invite Phil Simms down to compete this year? I don't think he'll win -- I just know that if his mouth is full of wings he won't be able to say anything as stupid as his commentary during last week's Chargers game.

-- I think Mike Vick would be an excellent water boy for the event. Just don't ask him to "pass" the water, or the pitcher will end up in the stands.

-- And after the competition is over, can WIP leave at least five guys behind? There's a game against the Warriors in the Wack Center that night, and I think five fat, sauce-covered gluttons running up and down the court will be more entertaining than what the Sixers can put out there.

Somebody get back to me and let me know if we can get this done.

Ever imagine if Andy starred in 24?

Scene: CTU super agent ANDY REID and sidekick AGENT JOHNSON have been tracking a terrorist cell who have threatened to detonate a nuclear bomb in Philadelphia. The good guys have just arrived at Lincoln Financial Field, where they make a shocking discovery:

AGENT JOHNSON: There it is, Andy. The nuke is right on the 50-yard line!

(Johnson sprints to midfield. Andy walks casually, arriving a full 60 seconds after him.)

AGENT JOHNSON: Quick, Andy, what do we do? The timer says we have less than two minutes until it detonates!

ANDY: Two minutes, huh? That's enough time for us to go get something to eat, right? I'm starved from all this running.

AGENT JOHNSON: Are you kidding me? We need to deal with this now!

ANDY: The bomb squad guys will be here in like 15 minutes, won't they? That's plenty of time.

AGENT JOHNSON: You can't play this like we're got a full quarter of football left! We're down under two minutes! We've got to hurry!

(Johnson scurries around, trying to decipher the device. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

AGENT JOHNSON: I think I found something -- the timer is solar powered. If we move this out of the shade, we can buy more time. Let's get it over on the sideline.

ANDY: Nah, we better keep it in the middle of the field.

AGENT JOHNSON: Are you insane? Why wouldn't we use the sideline to our advantage?

ANDY: Nah, stick with the middle. There's more room to work with in the middle of the field.

(Johnson paces impatiently. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

ANDY: Maybe we should punt this to homeland defense.

AGENT JOHNSON: You want to leave this to defense?!?

ANDY: Yeah, they'll probably figure out a way to stop it.

AGENT JOHNSON: They haven't stopped these terrorists from running all over the place today! And even if they could stop them, there's no time left!

ANDY: There's probably enough time for that. What did you say we have, 30 minutes?

AGENT JOHNSON: 30 seconds!

ANDY: Oh.

(Johnson stares at the bomb, completely panicked. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

AGENT JOHNSON: Andy, the clock is running!

ANDY: I'm getting hungry. Are you sure we can't get a sandwhi--

(A massive explosion wipes out Philadelphia.)

Epilouge: The next day, after listing each of the 300,000 people killed in the ensuing blast as "questionable," Andy says he is dissapointed by the outcome of the blast but "There are always plays that you come out with that you wish you could have done over, but I'm not going to get into all of those."

Test your first-round playoff knowledge

Think you paid attention to this weekend's playoff action? Take this quiz to find out:

1) The best moment this weekend was:
a -- Tony Romo's mistake which sent the Cowboys home for the season
b -- David Akers' perfection which sent the Giants home for the season
c -- The steak in the pot sandwich I had as Westbrook scored
d -- Phil Simms' insightful commentary during the Jets game

2) The one thing you love to see on a field goal attempt is:
a -- Blood on Tony Romo's hand
b -- Koy Detmer and his birdlike face focused on catching the snap
c -- A big slice of provolone on that steak in the pot sandwich
d -- Carrie Underwood cheering in the stands

3) Eli Manning should be proud of:
a -- Throwing two post-season TDs, against four career playoff picks
b -- Tiki Barber running so well in the final loss of his NFL career
c -- His brother did worse than him (three picks for Peyton, one for Eli)
d -- Coach Tom Coughlin has that dopey, hopeless Manning face now too

4) How many New York teams lost in the NFL playoffs this weekend?
a -- Two
b -- Zero, but two New Jersey teams lost. Does that count?
c -- Really, didn't we all win this weekend?
d -- Hey, let's buy tickets for the Knicks!

5) During the game, I convinced myself that:
a -- I had to wear a very hot hot pack on my head for the Eagles to win
b -- I could not drop the plush football I was carrying or the Eagles would lose
c -- I might live to be 100 if I could stop watching football
d -- Eli Manning is a smart QB and a handsome man too

6) That Tony Romo play reminded me of:
a -- Tommy Hutton
b -- Koy Detmer, in that it was the opposite of everything that is Koy
c -- The Heimlich maneuver, because it was such an awful choke
d -- A really good steak in the pot sandwhich

7) Coach Coughlin should keep his job with the Giants because:
a -- another year with him and Eli won't complete even a five-yard pass
b -- another year with him and the Giants will get another top-five pick
c -- another year with him and the Eagles will have two more NFC East wins
d -- Jim Mora Jr. would be a much better coach for them to consider

8) Everyone is looking forward to:
a -- Next week's Saturday night showdown against the Saints (8 p.m.).
b -- Seeing what Westbrook's follow up to those 141 yards will be
c -- Draftsgiving Day, April 28 (write it down now)
d -- Tiki Barber's debut as the newest member on "The View"

9) The last Cowboys playoff win was:
a -- 1996, when Troy Aikman was still the QB
b -- Not sure, but I know they've gone 0-4 in the playoffs over the last decade
c -- Not sure, but I know the Eagles have won eight in the last six years
d -- Wins aren't as important as having a big contract and being a great WR

10) The most telling anagram of the weekend was:
a -- Eli Manning ~~ "Meaning? Nil."
b -- Tony Romo ~~ "Moron toy"
c -- Tiki Barber ~~ "Rib? Break it!"
d -- Brian Westbook ~~ "Took Barber's win"

Answer Key:
Question 1 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 2 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 3 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 4 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Knicks fan.
Question 5 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 6 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 7 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Falcons fan.
Question 8 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 9 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 10 -- As good as the first three are, D is the right answer here.

God Bless David Akers

... and Koy Detmer too.

Facts I just made up

Hey, I just heard that Tony Romo is related to Tommy Hutton. Do you think Tommy will give him some tips?

Awarding the Awesome Cup

Without further ado, let's see how those predictions from September turned out:

TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1821 points, 11th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Raiders. Jim made a series of questionable moves (picking up all of the castoff Eagles the last week of the season? Relying on Eli Manning and T.O.?) and ended up at the bottom of the barrel. And yet he still finished above the actual Raiders, who somehow finished 12th in our league.

TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1833 points, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Browns. He had Charlie Frye as his QB, he had a bunch of wide recievers who you thought retired years ago (Eddie Kennison is still playing?) and he quietly put together an awful season.

TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1848 points, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Lions. Just when it looked like I'd finish in last place, I pulled off a win in the last game of the season to save face ... and deprive me of any chance of the first draft pick next year. Oops.
Actual quote from those August predictions: "I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top."

TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883 points, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Hotlanta Falcons. Neal had tons of RBs (Westbrook, McCallister, Barber, Maroney and the infamous Fred Taylor), started off strong, and then took a page out of the Jim Mora Jr. playbook by forgetting to look at his team for the second half of the season.

TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1897 points, 7th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Maryland Racial Slurs. Paul loaded up on wide receivers, just like Joe Gibbs, he made a big trade to try and bolster his team, just like Joe Gibbs, and finished in the bottom third of the league, just like Joe Gibbs.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2020 points, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Steelers. It was a dissapointing year for the defending champ, who had to deal with a much tougher division and an inconsistent defense (in his case, KC and Indy). But on the bright side, Jeff did score a endorsement deal with Fathead, just like Ben Rothlisberger. Although, it was for a totally different reason in Jeff's case. I'm sorry -- I didn't know eating fish from the Olentangy River would do that to you.

TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2074 points, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Miami Dolphins. Everyone expected much more out of Heidi's team this year, and finishing outside the playoffs is a major upset. I mean, if we had playoffs, she probably would have finished outside them. And that probably would have been an upset. Also, Chris Chambers didn't help either her team or Miami's.

TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2153 points, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Colts. He did pretty good this year, but no one is all that impressed. By the way, I nailed this prediction. One out of 11 ain't bad. That's still better than the Raiders.

TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2312 points, 3rd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Kansas City Chiefs. Joanna rode Larry Johnson to a just-good-enough finish, and much like new Chefs coach Herm Edwards, she can't name anyone else on her team.
Actual quote from those August predictions: "Every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology."

TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2339 points, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Chargers (because his whole team was basically LaDanian Tomlinson) and the Ravens (because no one has any clue how he finished so high in the standings). But, just like both of those teams, he doesn't win the big prize because of the feel-good story of the year ahead of him ...

TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2433 points, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The New Orleans Saints. Eric was the coach of the year, making a series of savvy trades (you screwed me on that Grossman deal) and smart waiver wire pick-ups (although Tony Romo looks crappy now) to sneak out just enough points to win it all. And while the Saints still have a few more weeks before they win the Super Bowl (I'm accepting bets on that one) Eric gets his well-earned prize right now: His name etched among the champions. Congrats.

Fantasy football recap, week 17

Top performers
QB: John Kitna, 36.74 points -- started by Ant
RB: Tiki Barber, 46.00 points -- started by Neal
WR: Steve Smith, 26.77 points -- started by Jeff
TE: Kellen Winslow, 17.60 points -- started by Eric
K: Olindo Mare, 17.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Green Bay, 32.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
        The two top offensive players on the waiver wire this week were A.J. Feeley (31.13 points) and Hank Baskett (24.80 points), which is a surprise because we all knew they'd have huge games this week. Why didn't you pick them up?

Worst performers, season-ending stats edition
Third place: Derrick Ross, -1.20 points -- sitting on the waiver
Second place: Miles Austin, -2.00 points -- sitting on the waiver
First place: Brodie Croyle, -3.38 points -- sitting on the waiver
        In his only appearance this year, Chiefs QB Croyle threw for 23 yards with two picks, and rushed once for -3 yards, to produce the worst fantasy resume of the year. I hope he's got a mutli-year contract.

Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        I'll make it simple this week: If you're an NFL coach, your job is on the line, you're playing against a team which is using all of it's backups and you're using your starters, and you get beaten pretty convincingly, you blew it. Falcons coach Jim Mora Jr. could not figure out how to handle the fearsome combination of A.J. Feeley and Matt Schobel, so he earns this week's award.
        I don't understand why the Falcons' owner didn't fire Mora 30 seconds after the Eagles game ended yesterday, instead of waiting until noon on Monday.

Fun season ending stats
** The Eagles are the only team to have three different QBs pass for 300 yards in a game this season (McNabb had four, Garcia one, Feeley one). For comparison, Jacksonville, Denver, San Francisco and Seattle had no 300-yard passers this year.
** LaDanian Tomlinson has more points by himself this year (198) than the entire Oakland Raiders team (168). He also finished with more TDs (33) than 11 other teams.
** Eli Manning finished with a lower QB rating (77.0) than all three Eagles QBs who appeared in games this year (Feeley had 122.9, Garcia had 95.8, McNabb had 95.5) but more interceptions than all three combined (18 for Manning vs. 8 for the other three).

Stupidest things I heard this week
        I thought I wasn't going to hear anything close to as mind-numbingly dumb as Brian Baldinger on Sunday during the Dallas broadcast. First he announced that "John Kitna is the only quarterback in the league to take every snap for the Detroit Lions this year," then immediately followed it up with this exchange:
** Kenny Albert -- "And Mike Furrey with a catch. Last year, he wasn't even playing wide receiver. He was a safety for the Rams and was converted to a receiver in the offseason."
** Baldinger -- "Yeah, last year he wasn't even playing receiver. He was a safety in St. Louis, and when the Lions signed him they decided to try him out catching passes."
        Thanks for that insight.
        So I thought there was no contest, until Lee Corso helped me wake up Monday morning by telling me that the Wolverines were in for a tough Rose Bowl game against the Trojans, and "for Michigan to beat USC tonight, they're going to need to run the ball AND pass the ball tonight."
        He was right -- Michigan ended up losing the game with their "punt on every down" offensive strategy.
        And just a minute ago, as I was writing this, Stuart Scott said "And we'll put the ill in illest with the ten most boo-ya plays of the year" and Ron Jaworski said "Coaches coach against coaches." My head hurts.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        After that pathetic display this week, what are "The Dallas Cowboys' playoff chances?" Let's re-arrange the letters to see:
** Fact: Hey, no hope. Cow-scabs fall sadly. **
        It must be true. That one took me like three minutes, and I didn't even have to rig a player's name to get it. It's just right there. How can you deny that?

For the record
** No professional column this week, sorry to say. Maybe I'll be back next year.
** Dad went down in flames, giving me the pride of outpicking him for the year. In the 11 years we've been doing this, I now hold an impressive 3-8 record against him, including two wins in the last three years. I'm just like the 1970 Pittsburgh Steelers.
** Props to Joanna, who placed first, third and third in her three fantasy leagues this year. I, on the other hand, made $115 in various football related gambling this year. So who really knows more about football in this house?
        OK, it's still probably Jo. But still...
** The NFL Primtime guys just made up for those early comments:
        Jaworski: "The Eagles are the clear-cut favorites for the Super Bowl. Their backups just beat the Atlanta Falcons!"
        Mike Ditka: "You're gonna bring the Falcons into this argument? Really?"

Our standings at year end
        And the winner is ...
        Well, you know already. So I'll have a long, full season wrap-up for you tomorrow in leiu of a short and witty comment now. So come back Wednesday morning.

Fantasy football recap, week 16

        Tis the season, so let's start with ...

Christmas gifts I got this year
** An Eagles birdhouse. It has uprights on the front for visitors to perch on and a scoreboard showing the birds winning 16-0 on the side.
** The Wordsworth Dictionary of Anagrams. Next time I'm looking for an anagram for "unsainted" I'll be able to come up with "inundates" much quicker.
** An interception by Dawkins to help the Eagles retake the NFC East lead. Although, I'd like to think that all of my shouting helped too.

Top performers
QB: Mark Bulger, 42.22 points -- started by Heidi
RB: Steven Jackson, 37.20 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 27.27 points -- started by Joanna
TE: Chris Cooley, 18.13 points -- started by Jim
K: Ryan Lindell, 18.00 points -- started by Jim
DEF: Tampa Bay, 31.00 points -- sitting on Jeff's bench
        Way to blow it, Jeff. We could have had all the top guys started if you would have played along. Christmas is ruined for everyone.

Worst performers, guys who fumbled and did nothing else
First place (tie): Miles Austin, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Troy Walters, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Chad Morton, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
        The stat line for all three reads: Zero rushing yards, zero receiving yards, zero TDs, one fumble on a kickoff return.

Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        A special holiday award goes to NBC, who decided to structure most of their NFL broadcast around the Dallas Cowboys this week -- numerous shots of Dallas players' kids, new Tony Romo girlfriend Carrie Underwood, clips of T.O. from practice -- and had little to show in the way of off-the-field video when the Eagles pulled away with the game. Thanks for assuming it was going to be a blowout the other way, guys.
        Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who left 41 points on his bench, 30 of them by starting the Indy defense (one point) over the Bucs D (31 points).

Funniest stat lines of the week
** TE Jeremy Shockey: Two receptions, -3 yards.
** WR Steve Smith: One rush, -5 yards, zero catches.
** QB Mike Vick: Over 1,022 yards rushing for the year, zero chance at making the playoffs.

Smartest thing I heard this week
        Since the stupidest things I heard this week were all Eagles fans saying "I knew this team would get to the playoffs!" I decided I'd enlighten you all instead with some sublime commentary I heard just this morning.
        Courtesy of Anthony Gargano on Philly's 610 WIP:
        "Peyton Manning just tied Joe Montana for seventh on the all-time TD passes list. He's unbelievable. His brother Eli? That guy needs to go see the wizard. He needs some heart."
        I couldn't have said it better myself, at least not without referencing Dopey dwarf from Snow White.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Oh, wait -- I just realized I missed one other anagram last week for the Cowboy's star player. If you look at "star wideout Terrell Owens' sprained fingers" you clearly see:
** In two wins, Eagles freed run, TO’s rat lips erred **
        Do you think that was important? Was that something that may have been useful for the Cowboys to know last week?

Our standings so far
First place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 2260.96 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Anthony -- 2231.48 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 2177.69 points
        With one week left, Joanna has an outside shot at stealing this thing, but it's really a two-team race. If Eric and Mike Vick can hold off Anthony and John Kitna (really?) for one more week, he gets the coveted title. But Eric hasn't scored fewer than 130 points in the last nine weeks, so it's still a long-shot.
        Meanwhile, the much more exciting race is on at the bottom of the standings. Five teams are fewer than 40 points from the basement, including my own. Who will be our Detroit Lions? I can't stand the excitement.

For the record
** Yet another solid professional column this week, but it's not online yet. I'll post here when it is.
** Dad had an awful week last week, going 0-6 in games we picked different. He's down nine games with just 16 left to go, meaning I'd have to have a monumental collapse to blow it this year. I can't go down with nine games on him. Not with nine games.
** Jags RB Fred Taylor did indeed miss that critical game on Sunday, Jacksonville lost and now is on the verge of missing the playoffs. If only he was on the field to help the Jags' offense cut through the D-line with his glass groin...

Fantasy football recap, week 15

Time for another game...

Pro Bowler or character from Starship Troopers
** Brian Moorman: AFC punter or fictional bug killer?
Answer
** Dizzy Flores: NFC defensive tackle or fictional bug killer?
Answer
** Jeff Saturday: AFC center or fictional bug killing sergeant?
Answer
** Aaron Kampman: NFC special teamer or fictional bug victim?
Answer
** Zander Barcalow: AFC safety or fictional bug victim?
Answer
** Brian Dawkins: NFC safety or universe destroyer?
Answer

Now back to our regular programming...

--- Top performers
QB: Michael Vick, 37.08 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 31.73 points -- started by Jo
TE: Desomnd Clark, 27.33 points -- started by Joel
K: Mike Nugent, 17.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
DEF: Tennessee, 34.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
        And we're back to not mentioning certain Chargers RBs who may or may not have totaled 33.23 points this week.

--- Worst performers, QBs who played half a game
Third place: Matt Schaub, -0.68 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Second place: Joey Harrington, -2.50 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
First place: David Carr, -2.92 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
        Combined, these guys threw for 177 yards, seven interceptions, no TDs and three losses. That's even worse than Eli Manning, who had 282 yards, two picks, no TDs and only one loss this week.

--- Guess who might not play this week?
        Fred Taylor pulled up lame on a breakaway run during Sunday's game against the Titans. It's the second time he has failed to finish a game he has started this year, and team officials don't know if he'll be OK for this week's game.
        Taylor, long known for his groin durability, said he didn't pull his hamstring, but "sometimes they just spasm." Also, sometimes your groin is made of porcelin, and that adds to it.
        This year Taylor's injury propensity has even spread beyond his loins, as Jaguars backup RB Maurice Jones Drew went down in the same game with a mystery leg injury.
        And yet, somehow he's an alternate for the Pro-Bowl. If Dawkins looks across the field at him, Taylor is liable to end up in the hospital.

--- Stats I was going to look up, but ESPN.com did it first
** The Titans this week had the ball on offense for just 15:38 but won thanks to three defensive scores. That’s the lowest time of possession for a winning team during the 30 seasons in which that statistic has been officially compiled.
** The Bears have never lost a game at Soldier Field in which they held a lead of 21 or more points, winning all 45 times that has happened. It took overtime this week to keep the streak alive, but a win is a win.
** Rex Grossman passed for 339 yards on Sunday. It was the Bears first 300-yard passing game in the last 72 games. For comparison’s sake, it has been one game since the Eagles last had a 300-yard passing game.

--- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        I'm giving it to the West Coast this week, because starting football at 10 am on Sunday is just sick. Anyone who decides to live there blew making a critical life decision on whether to co-exist with the real world or lag three hours behind.
        Honorable mention goes to the five of you who started a player who didn't register one measly point. You know who you are.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        The University of Washington basketball team head coach was on 950 AM, and was asked by the coach if injuries were going to hurt his team in upcoming games. His response: "Well, the guys who aren't hurt should be fine to play. The one who have injuries that are serious probably won't be contributing much."
        Thanks, coach. Wasn't sure about that one.

--- Stupidest thing Joanna heard this week
        Since I was watching the big Eagles win in a bar, Jo had to relay to me the dumbest things said during the broadcast.
** Strike one: Troy Aikman remarked that "Buckhalter is actually a faster back than Brian Westbrook. Defintely not quicker, but he is faster."
** Strike two: Aikman follwed that up later in the game by observing "Teams that score touchdowns tend to win games, teams that don't tend to lose."
** Strike three: Before the game started Pam Oliver had a lenghty piece on the new Eagles QB that included "Life is pretty good for Jeff Garcia these days, he hasn't been horrible since taking over for McNabb."
        When I got home, blood was trickling out her ears.

--- Our standings so far
First place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 2100.28 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 2068.23 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 2033.26 points
        In case you haven't figured it out, this is really a three team race at this point. Mike is less than 80 points behind, but no one else has a chance at the top three. And Eric is slowly pulling away...

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        T.O. has had a busy week, what with all the spitting and denying he spit on people and getting fined and not making the Pro-Bowl, so I figured I'd help by giving him an extra special set of anagrams this week.
        ** Terrell Owens, spitter **
-- "Repellent twit errs so"
        ** Terrell Owens, professional bawler **
-- "Fallen WR tries, sees no real pro-bowl"
        ** Dallas millionaire Terrell Owens **
-- "Not a man. A slow, ill, lie seller. Rob, I do."
        Gawd, I hate that guy.

--- For the record
** Even though I was taveling, I did find time for the professional column. I even managed a shout-out to the birds this week.
** Two weeks left, and I'm up three games on Dad. I'm just saying...
** Seattle media item one: This weekend, after major storms blew through the Northwest region, Seattle's Channel 5 touted how they kept everyone up to date on the latest power outages “in your neighborhood.” Funny, I didn’t see that report. Maybe it’s because my power was out.
** Seattle media item two: In all of their promos, sports radio 950 AM uses the clip “And the Seahawks win the game!” yelled excitedly by local sportscaster … Harry Kalas??? What? Don’t you guys have some local announcer who’d be a little more Seattlish? Seriously, we don't use Steve Largent for basketball previews, so don't steal our baseball guy for your lousy team.

Fantasy football recap, week 14

--- Top performers
QB: Drew Brees, 44.76 points – started by Jeff
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 36.60 points – started by Ant
WR: Donald Driver, 25.07 points – started by Eric
TE: Antonio Gates, 25.93 points – started by me
K: Josh Scobee, 16.00 points – started by Eric
DEF: Miami, 26.00 points – started by Joel
        I do believe that’s the first time this year we’ve started all the top performers. I could go back and check, but frankly that seems like a lot of work when I can just lie to y’all.

--- Worst performers, defenses we started
Third place: Indy, -3.00 points – started by Jeff
Second place: Dallas, -5.00 points – started by Ant
First place: St. Louis, -6.00 points - started by me
        It’s always nice to see Dallas near the bottom of the standings. And it’s nice to see Ant there too for a change.

--- “Who is winning despite all logic” stat of the week
** Seattle: 290 points allowed, 281 points scored, 8-5 record.
** Hotlanta: 244 points allowed, 256 points scored, 7-6 record.
** Broncos: 235 points allowed, 236 points scored, 7-6 record.
** Jets: 254 points allowed, 269 points scored, 7-6 record.

--- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        The award goes to Fox, courtesy of G's reccomendation. After the Iggles game finished, the network decided to give the good people of Phily bonus coverage of ... the Detroit Minnesota game, which has virtually no playoff implications. Besides, who wanted to see how that Panthers/Giants game was going? What could that possibly mean to Eagles fans?
        Honorable mentions go to Jeff, who left 32 points on his bench, and Jim, who started one Mike out for the year (WR Clayton) and one who has been cut from his team (K Vanderjagt).

--- Saying something nice about the Giants
** Eli Manning had a great day on Sunday, throwing for three TDs and no picks. It's the first time this season he has made it two games in a row without throwing an interception. You'd have to go back 24 games for the last time he managed two games in a row without a turnover. He's currently fifth in the league in interceptions, with 15.
** The Giants defense was excellent this week too, keeping Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson out of the end zone and holding Chris Weinke, who has one win in 17 starts, to a mere 432 yards passing.
** Tiki Barber is fourth in the league in rushing, with an impressive 1,282 yards on the ground. That's 12 trips from goal line to goal line this year. That's where he has been running, too: He only has one touchdown in 13 games. He's tied for 61st in the league in that category.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Mike and I heard a ton of great candidates while attending the Landover Racial Slurs game against the Eagles, including a number of Philadelphia fans who insisted that Jeff Garcia will lead the team to the Super Bowl.
        But the best was a 20-something drunk Slurs fan who tried to pick a fight with a blonde wearing a Trotter jersey, nearly came to blows with his own father (also a Slurs fan), and then shouted down the many, many Eagles fans in our section as the game wound down.
        With two minutes left, the Slurs out of timeouts, and with the Iggles faithful yelling out another E-A-G-L-E-S, he stood up and yelled, “It ain’t over yet! Sit down! Nothing has been decided yet!”
        Three kneel-downs later, I’m still not sure he understood the game was finished.
        The stupidest thing I read was in the Post Monday morning, headlines side by side in the sports section:
        “Washington fans: Not all is lost.”
        “Redskins are eliminated from playoff contention and ensure a last place finish in NFC East.”
        I guess they still can hold out hope for a 7-9 record…

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Who could have seen that drubbing the Saints put on the Cowboys Sunday night? I could have, because it was clearly spelled out by “Dallas Cowboys defensive end Jason Hatcher.” Look:
** D’oh! Saints end cow fever, deny scabs jello. Ha! **
        It’s so sad: No win means no jello for the little cowboys. And I bet T.O. won’t get to take his normal naptime next Saturday either.

--- For the record
** The professional column is up yet again.
** For those of you scoring at home, QBs who have passed for 400-plus yards this year are now 1-5 this year, after Chris Weinke's 432 yards in that loss to the Giants.
** I'm traveling this week and next, so my update probably won't come until Wednesday night next week. Think of it as a way to waste that worthless Thursday and Friday on the schedule right before the holiday.

Fantasy football recap, week 13

--- How'd that birthday thing go?
        Yes, I'm older, and I had a great time celebrating with a bunch of you this weekend.
        But, as you also know, I had complained to many of you that I was not looking forward to Monday night's football game because the Eagles had an abysmal career record on my birthday. For the record it was 1-3, with two losses to the Cowboys on Dec. 4s over the last 30 years. The only win was a 13-9 win in 1983 over the LA Rams, and I don't remember watching that on my seventh birthday.
        So, sadly, the only Eagles games that I could remember watchin on my birthday were heartbreaking losses that made me question the existence of the football gods and whether any good was left in this world.
        Until last night!!!!! Jeff Garcia and Lito pulled together everything they had to get me a very memorable gift-wrapped win, and Dawkins even chipped in a few yards.
        I've got five years before my birthday shows up on a Sunday again, so I can ride this one until I'm in my mid-30s, which is nice.
        Also, for the record, the day after I was born (Dec. 5, 1976) the Eagles lost to the Cowboys 26-7. So apparently my hatred for the Cowboys literally goes back to the first hours of my life.

--- Top performers
QB: Trent Green, 31.88 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: Reggie Bush, 45.43 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 24.47 points -- started by Joanna
TE: Antonio Gates, 19.00 points -- started by me
K: Josh Brown, 14.00 points -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 37.00 points -- started by Mike

--- Worst performers, QB edition
Third place: David Carr, -2.22 points -- sitting on my bench
Second place: Brad Johnson, -4.78 points -- on Paul's bench
First place: Rex Grossman, -5.54 points -- started by me
        Johnson and Grossman squared off on Sunday and combined for seven interceptions and no touchdowns. That's great NFC North football for you.

--- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        Heidi left 42 points on her bench this week, and wins it by default because nobody else really earned it.
        I mean, Neal is still starting Mark Brunell at QB, but we're all getting sick of that, aren't we?

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Since I didn't see a lot of football this weekend, I was worried I might not have enough material for this. Then I realized Joe Theisman was calling the Monday night game.
        Exhibit number one: After Hank Baskett made a catch in the first quarter, he said he sees a good future for "Baz-Kette." I didn't know you could mispronounce that if you tried.
        Exhibit number two: After Donte Stallworth made a spectacular one-handed catch, Joe remarked that the play was "a great individual effort by Richard Marshall," the cornerback who got beat on the play. He fell down and didn't defend the pass or make a tackle. But other than that, great effort.
        Exhibit number three: After an intentional grounding call on Jake Delhomme, Joe told us that "the best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." In other words, don't intentionally ground the ball.
        Exhibit number four: After a non-pass interference call in the third, Joe said "There is such inconsistency in those calls, what counts as interference, what counts as jamming the receiver, what counts as snuggling." He later claimed "snuggling" is when a cornerback runs shoulder-to-shoulder with a wideout, but no one in the booth would back him up.

--- Fun with QB ratings
        Let's revisit those bottom-feeding QBs again for a minute:
** League average QB rating: 80.4
** Carr's rating Sunday: 56.25
** Johnson's rating Sunday: 10.26
** Grossman's rating Sunday: 1.32
** Me walking outside and throwing the ball into the ground: 39.58 rating
        So, if you dropped a football on Sunday, you were almost 30 times the QB that Grossman was.

--- People I just feel like making fun of
*** Eli Manning threw his 18th and 19th TD passes this week, finally surpassing Donovan McNabb in that statistical category. McNabb, who has 18 this year, hasn't thrown one since week 10 on account of his season-ending injury.
*** Michael Vick hasn't thrown for 300 yards in his last 19 games. He hasn't thrown for 200 yards in his last six games. He hasn't thrown for 150 yards in four games.
*** Tony Romo hasn't won a game yet without the assitance of Satan. It's a fact. Look it up.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Sometimes I wonder if these anagrams are really worth anything. Is this just all frivolity? Does this really make a difference? Am I making the world a better place?
        This week, "Dallas cowboys nose tackle/DE Jeremiah Ratliff" provided me an answer:
        *** Cowjerks is foiled, fall, cry at bad names, hate Leo ***
        Clearly, if the cowboys are crying because of my insults, I must be doing devine work.
        I'm also apparently causing them to use bad grammar. Who knew?

--- What would it take for Tampa to make the playoffs?
        Even at 3-9, the Bucs still have a shot. All it would take would be:
** Tampa Bay wins its last four games;
** Minnesota loses its next four games;
** Carolina and Atlanta tie in two weeks, but lose thier other games;
** Philadelphia beats Atlanta but loses its other three games;
** St. Louis beats Minnesota but loses its other three games;
** San Fran beats Green Bay but then loses its other three games;
** Green Bay loses to San Francisco next week, beats Minnesota in two weeks, and loses at least one other game;
** Washington beats Philadelphia next week, loses to New Orleans, beats St. Louis, then loses to the Giants;
** and Arizona doesn’t win its last four games.
        If all that happens, Tampa will be 7-9 and be able to win the sixth and final wild card spot over the Eagles, based on that loss in Tampa earlier this year.
        So keep hoping, Bucs fans.

--- Our standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 1792.58 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1789.44 points
Third place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1772.48 points
        Don't look now, but Mike is sneaking up to towards the top three...

--- For the record
** Yep, still doing that professional column.
** For those of you keeping score at home, LaDanian Tomlinson had two more TDs this week, but lost ground in the total scoring race. He's now only ahead of 17 other teams in total TDs, with 28. He's tied with three others.
** Just so you're not confused about my fantasy football prowess -- I may be in next to last place in this league, but I've already won $120 in my other league and am still gunning for more cash. Just thought you should know.