Fantasy football 2025 -- week 16 recap

Forgot to grab all your presents for tomorrow? Don't worry, the Eagles Pro Shop has you covered: 

 

“Been there, won that” shirt — $45
** You’d think with 21 years to plan, the team would come up with a better slogan for winning back-to-back NFC East titles. But next year you won’t be able to snag these again, because everything is going to reference three titles in a row, so you might as well grab it.

Jalen Hurts “gamechanger” figure — $30
** Last time I checked, Hurt’s hands were not the size of his entire head, and he did need to bend over to tie his shoes. But if you ever wanted a collectible of the Eagles QB morphed into a half gorilla, it’s available for a reasonable price.

Terrell Owens jersey — $130
** Is all the AJ Brown drama too much for you? Do you wish we could go back to the days of having a star receiver who complains a lot but also doesn’t win Super Bowls? T.O. is ready to return you to the glory days of frustration and unrealized talent.

RB A.J. Dillon — $130,000
** Dillon signed a nearly $1.2 million contract with the Eagles in the offseason but hasn’t been used at all in the last month. So I’m sure the team would be happy to hand him over to you for housework or show shoveling for the last two weeks of the season, if you’ll just cover his remaining base salary.

Eagles peach hat — $22.50
** This is a hat with an Eagles logo covered in peaches. Maybe it was created because there are a lot of Georgia players on the team, and Georgia has peaches, and … ? Anyways, if you’ve ever thought that your support for the team should be joined with your support for fruit, this is your moment.

Game-used Saquon Barkley pants — $1,487.50
** Want to relive the excitement — and smell — of Barkley running for 43 yards and a TD against the Bucs in September? Wait, you do? What’s wrong with you, man? Go buy a book or something.

QB: Brock Purdy, 40.90 pts — started by Jo
WR: Puka Nacua, 33.00 pts — started by Ant
RB: Chase Brown, 29.47 pts — started by Jeff
TE: George Kittle, 17.17 pts — started by Mike
K: Charlie Smyth, 20.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Saints, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Kyle Dugger, 11.00 pts — on the wire

I did not have two Saints players as top performers on my bingo card for the week. New Orleans had its best defensive performance of the year in a 29-6 win over the Jets. And Smyth, in just his fourth game in the NFL, tied a team record with five field goals in that victory.

Smyth was a goalkeeper in Ireland’s Gaelic football league, and joined the NFL through its International Player Pathway Program. Gaelic football is just a little different from American football — The actual score of one semi-final match this week for the Irish league was “Tooreen 1-28 Éire Óg, Carrickmore 1-17.” No, I don’t have the slightest idea what that means. Good on Tooreen, I guess?

Puka Nacua had 12 catches for 225 yds and two TDs this week, the first time this season a wideout has topped the 200-yds mark. It happened twice last year and six times in 2023. You don’t remember that much receiving two years ago because that was the year the Eagles forgot how to pass for the second half of the season. Thank gawd those problems are over.

“Dallas” edition

3rd place: Joe Milton III, -0.86 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Indianapolis, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts — on the wire

Hey, our anagram subject from last week is back! Dallas Backup QB Joe Milton III (or, as you know him, “Skilled? Baa. I complain, quit job”) was not skilled and quit his job in the form of fumbling the ball during mop-up duty in Sunday’s loss to the Chargers.

But don’t just blame him. Over the last five games, the Dallas defense has scored a total of -2.00 pts. They have six weeks where they registered negative fantasy points, and are averaging 30.3 actual points allowed per game. That's the second worst in the league. If only they had a stud defensive player to help them stabilize that side of the ball, but where would they even find someone like that?


** During Thursday’s Rams/Seahawks contest, LA was leading by 16 points with less than nine minutes left in the game when WR Rashid Shaheed weaved through the Rams’ special teams unit to score on a 58-yard punt return. Amazon announcer Al Michaels had the call:

“Shaheed takes the punt … works through traffic, he’s heading down the sidelines and out of NOWHERE he is in for the touchdown. And we’ve got a game.”

Right enthusiasm, wrong words. Out of nowhere? He was the punt returner. We kind of all expected him to get the ball, and keep running with it. Or maybe he meant out of nowhere because up until then Seattle had only scored … two touchdowns? They weren’t getting shut out. It wasn’t a giant surprise that they’d score again.

The Seahawks got a two-point conversion on the next play, scoring on an out-of-nowhere forward pass to their #2 wideout. It truly is an unpredictable game.

** Sirius XM’s NFL Blitz show has been running promos this weekend with co-host Bruce Murray previewing the postseason and exclaiming “Are we really looking at a playoffs without Mahomes, or Lamar, or Goff, or even Dak?”

Sure, Mahomes is a surprise. And the Lions and Ravens missing out on the championship bracket is shocking. But Prescott not showing up in the playoffs is kind of his calling card. Not sure you can be appalled that a guy who has two January wins in the last 10 years is once again not going to get any January wins.

Now Jalen Hurts missing the playoffs? That would be a stunner. Five years in the league, and he’ll have 10 playoff starts by the end of week 19. Hopefully a few more after that in 2026 too.

 
** Commander’s coach Dan Quinn’s reaction to the completely unneeded two-point attempt by the Eagles in the fourth quarter of an already settled game: “If that’s how they want to get down, all good. We play them again in two weeks.”

 
Oh boy. I bet the Commanders are really gonna lay the smackdown on … Tanner McKee and the other backups who play in that meaningless game. Message sent.

The NFL’s Christmas present to you is a full slate of three games this Thursday, with plenty of intrigue and drama in store to spice up your holiday. Here’s a look at the most festive storylines to track in between opening presents and enjoying your Christmas cookies:

** Is Chris Oladokun the next big QB star?
It’s the matchup that everyone has been waiting for: Broncos second-year QB Bo Nix vs. Chiefs rookie QB Chris Oladokun. Sure, maybe QB Patrick Mahomes is better known right now, but Oladokun also has a weird last name and the Kansas City offense to carry. So could we be meeting the next Mahomes on Thursday? Sure doesn’t seem like it, but who knows!

** How many points can the Cowboys and Commanders surrender?
Unlike Dallas, the Commanders are only giving up 27 points per game. Could these two teams both score 50 against each other’s lifeless defenses? Or will the motivation of a late-season division game with no playoff stakes on the line inspire them to make just a single stop?

** Who will watch the Lions/Vikings game?
Both of these teams made the postseason last year, but only the Lions have a shot at repeating that feat this season. Except they really don’t! They’re only path involves 20 teams losing and a voodoo curse reversing time. So who will tune in for this afternoon matchup? Will it even provide enough distraction from family members to count as entertainment?

** Can the Spurs beat the Thunder? 

 The Thunder have only lost three of their first 28 games, but one of those failures came at the hands of the upstart Spurs, the second-place team in the Western conference. Why would NFL fans care at all? I dunno, but it’s better than any of the holiday crapfest being broadcast on Tubi Sports or wherever they’ve got these stupid football games this year. The NBA will be on ABC, where you can actually watch it.

The Eagles victory on Saturday officially ended any hope of a Cowboys postseason this year, a crushing development for the franchise. During a press conference a day later, team owner and GM Jerry Jones said simply that “we all underachieved, really” but expressed confidence that the team will come back stronger next year.

Of course, there is no reason for such optimism. In the last 30 years, the Cowboys are the only NFC team not to reach the conference title game, and have only made the playoffs 13 times. But if you look closer at what Jerry said and really break down the letters, you can see that they actually spell out the true message he was delivering:

Jones statement: We all underachieved
** A moan, jest. Cattle dude heels never win

Typical Jerry, using all those extra words — cattle dude heels — just to say cowboys. I’m gonna miss him when he finally leaves the NFL scene. It has been so relaxing to have an idiot running the Cowboys for the last few decades.

** Dad picks up another game on me this week, going 3-2 in our head-to-head picks. He’s only eight back, with two weeks to go. But he does get extra props for picking the Chiefs to spiral out of control and lose to the Titans. That was … something.

** Delaware bested Louisiana in the 68 Ventures Bowl last week in a 20-13 thriller. That gives them a perfect record in the College Football premier postseason (1-0 all time). Take that, Villanova.

** The Eagles can get the #1 overall seed if they win their last two, the Rams lose to Atlanta but beat the Cardinals, the Bears beat the 49ers but lose to the Lions, the 49ers lose to the Bears but beat the Seahawks, and the Seahawks lose to the Panthers and 49ers. Then there is a five-way tie for the top seed in the NFC at 12-5, and the Eagles … might win the tiebreaker? It isn’t clear, it depends on strength of schedule and how a dozen other games play out. Oh also Dr. Strange has to give up the mind stone to Thanos so that Iron Man can steal it back later. That’s the only path to victory.

Week 16 standings

Family Cup -- regular season final standings
House Doyle: 30-12
House Garrity: 23-19
House Quinn: 16-26
House Shane: 14-26-2

Our championship game is set: Mike, the #2 seed, will take on Jim, the #5 seed. Jim annihilated out top regular season finisher, Lexi, with a 176.88-104.36 performance last week. Can he continue his Cinderella run to the title? Or will Mike grab the cup for Team Doyle? One week left for a new hero to rise. 

In the bottom bracket, Emma’s team has managed three straight wins after only recording one win in the first 13 weeks of the season. She’ll take on Grandmom Shane for the loser bracket title. Shelly and Lexi will square off in the 3rd place game, Dad and Jimmy will fight for the 9th place honor. Ollie (5th), Jonathan (6th), Shane (11th) and Tommy (12th) are finished for the year.

Awesome Cup standings
1 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 1996.25 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 1963.57 pts
3 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1956.34 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 1891.31 pts
5 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 1871.44 pts
6 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 1705.01 pts
7 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 1673.93 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1571.88 pts
9 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1544.02 pts
10 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1526.43 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1432.60 pts
12 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1417.45 pts

Another big week from Mike closes the gap between him and first to just 33 pts. Both he and Jonathan topped 130 pts this week, keeping the pressure on Pop with just two weeks left. Bob and I remain locked in a fight for the first team off the medals podium. I had the worst score of the week with 92.50 pts, which, honestly, is pretty good for the worst score of the week.

Jeff, Joanna and Joel all had big performances, besting 120 pts, but they remain mired in the bottom of the bracket. But Joel’s performance was enough to keep him out of the cellar for another week. Paul hasn’t started a QB since Mac Jones in week 11 (and he scored -0.30 pts that week) so perhaps that isn’t a huge bar to clear.

OK, I just checked, and the last time Paul started a QB who scored positive points was week 8, when Spencer Rattler got him 2.64 pts. That means that since the start of November, he has negative fantasy points from the QB position, the spot where the most points are scored each week. Honestly, it’s amazing he even has 1,400 pts.

Speaking of amazing things, the NFL schedule coming up is an amazing mess. Three games on Christmas, two on Saturday, only two late Sunday afternoon, one on Monday. Set your rosters on Christmas Eve and hope that Santa Goodell doesn’t bring you any more coal.