Fantasy football 2024 -- week 16 recap

Think you know the NFL? Think you know the holidays? Then test your smarts by identifying which of the following names played for the Jacksonville Jaguars and which are cast members from the holiday classic “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which is probably airing on TV right now.

Frank Falyen

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Josiah Deguara

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Mitch Morse

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Samuel Hinds

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Max Linder

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Ezra Cleveland

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Cole Van Lanen

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

Henry Travers

Wonderful life
Mediocre NFLer

James Stewart

NFL pro
Hallmark star

Don’t bother looking for the submit button, I still can’t figure that out. So I’ve got the answers listed below. You’ll have to grade yourself. No cheating, Santa is watching.

Josiah Deguara, Mitch Morse, Ezra Cleveland and Cole Van Lanen are all current members of the Jaguars team.

In the Christmas classic, Frank Faylen played Ernie Bishop and Samuel Hinds played Pa Bailey. Max Linder was an extra in the movie. Henry Travers was Clarence Odbody, AS2 (that’s angel, second class).

James Stewart, of course, is obvious. He rushed for 2,951 yards with the Jacksonville franchise from 1995 to 1999, scoring 33 rushing TDs and five more receiving ones. Some have confused him with Jimmy Stewart, who had a minor role in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” He never recorded a single yard in the NFL.

QB: Jayden Daniels, 44.42 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Jonathan Taylor, 39.80 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Justin Jefferson, 26.60 pts — started by Sam
TE: Brock Bowers, 12.10 pts — started by Jonathan
K: (tie) Jason Sanders, 21.00 pts — started by me
K: (tie) Brandon Aubrey, 21.00 pts — started by me
DEF: Atlanta, 26.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Matthew Judon, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Congrats to Jayden Daniels on his big game against Philly and sealing up rookie of the year honors. The last Maryland player to win that was Robert Griffin III, and I’m hoping that Daniels has the same kind of long, successful career. Luckily, Daniels isn’t frequently injured or prone to erratic games like Griffin was.

Taylor had 218 yds rushing and three TDs in the Colts win over the Titans on Sunday. His 39.80 pts were four more than his total in the previous four games combined, and his three touchdowns were one more than his total for the previous eight games. Plus, he didn’t fumble on the goal line this week.

But that’s nothing compared to the Atlanta defense. After totaling 46 pts in their first 13 games, they have posted 51 in their last two, albeit against the Raiders and Giants. Can they keep it up next week against Jayden Daniels next week? No. But it was a fun run while it lasted.

“Good things come in threes” edition

1st place: (tie) San Francisco, -3.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: (tie) Arizona, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Tennessee, -3.00 pts — on the wire

It’s a rare coincidence for a three-way tie at the bottom of the standings, but even rarer is a defensive player on the negative points list. Come on down, Eagles CB Avonte Maddox! He scored -1.92 points thanks to a fumble on the final desperate lateral play of the game. He still would have ended in positive territory if he had recorded a tackle or defended a pass in the game, but that’s a lot to expect from a defense that played dead for an entire half.

** ESPN’s pre-game Sunday NFL show ended with a segment giving Herm Edwards the “Final Word” on his predictions for the day. His pick: “Quiet,” because he predicted critics would shut up after the Lions rebounded with a win this week.

And after that brief explanation, his “final word” went on for another sixty seconds when he wouldn’t stop talking.

Look, I get that it’s not a literal bit, and he wasn’t gonna say just one word. But if you keep droning on if when your parting statement was “quiet,” it just feels like it undermines everything.

** During Sunday Night Football’s player introductions, Tampa Bay WR Sterling Shepard was introduced with his two young daughters on his lap saying his name and college. It was adorable, because little kids are cute.

It also should mark the end of these stupid player introductions, which now have zero to do with anything related to the game. Half the guys can barely read their own names. Some make up schools they went to. And the whole thing takes up half the screen for several plays, actually blocking the view of gameplay.

We’re a step away from replacing the first quarter of games with players singing Christmas carols. Keep the cutesy feature stories for between plays, or after the game. Let me just watch a football game already.

** During the second quarter of the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, Fresno State led 13-3 with NIU on the one-yard line, inches from scoring. But on fourth down, the Bulldogs’ defense held, and stuff NIU for a turnover to preserve the 10-point lead. Play-by-play announcer Lowell Galindo shouted after the defensive stand:

“What a stop! Who says bowl games don’t matter anymore!”

In the end, Galindo’s comment was interesting because OH WHO ARE WE KIDDING you don’t want to hear how the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl turned out. It was two 6-6 teams playing on a Monday afternoon when half the country was still at work. Fresno State lost. So the play didn’t matter in the end. But even if it had, would you have cared even a little? No. Because you have a life. Or at least more of a life than the several hundred fans who attended the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

Potato. Bowl.

Positives from the Eagles loss to the Commies:

— It knocked the Cowboys out of the playoffs: It would have been nicer if it happened next week when the Birds play Dallas, but starting their offseason early is always good news.

— The streak is over: Remember what happened the last time the Commies ended a long Eagles winning streak? That was in 2022, when they had their eight-game streak stopped. The Birds went to the Super Bowl that year.

— It stops the Hurts criticism: Is he inconsistent? Yes. Is this team much, much, much better with him on the field than any other option? Also yes.

— It probably means another Eagles/Commies game: That’s the most likely first-round playoff matchup now. Maryland is 1-4 against teams with winning records, twice barely beat the Giants, beat the Saints by one point, needed a Hail Mary to beat the Bears. They could easily be 7-8. I’ll happily take team luck as an opponent over an actual skilled squad.

— It gives the Eagles a bye week: Not a real one, of course. The #1 seed is out of reach now. But that also means that if the Eagles win next week, the final game of the season against the Giants is meaningless. That’s a nice time to get Saquon some records and rest everyone else.

 
— It almost wasn’t a loss: The Eagles had 10 penalties for 91 yards, lost their starting QB to a concussion, had a backup QB play with an injured rib, had a star defensive back ejected, and still were one bobbled pass away from winning. Fix just one of those problems and we’re talking about another victory.

In the spirit of Christmas, I decided this week not to search for words of spite and malice hidden in the names of Cowboys players and instead performed a simple search for the image of the season: Santa Claus himself. And it took me no time to have his name pop out of a key team contributor:

Cowboys Dallas Offensive Tackle Tyler Smith
** My bloc — I hate Santa. Fowl toys, feckless drivel.

In his defense, I might not like Santa much if he only brought me chicken toys. But you can’t expect Cowboys players to know how to spell, even on Christmas.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, pushing my lead in our weekly picks contest to six games with two weeks left. Since we never pick Eagles games, that leaves him just 30 match-ups left to catch me. I’ve been getting about 30% of games wrong, so it is possible, but rather difficult.

 
** Why fantasy football stinks, chapter 33: I was the second highest scorer in my head-to-hear money league this week, but I won’t be playing in the championship game because I played the highest-scoring team. He beat me by 4 points. Coincidentally, my QB — Jalen Hurts — only scored four points before leaving with a concussion. Even with the injury, if Hurts had run in that first TD of the game instead of giving it to Barkley inside the five, I would be in the money. Instead, my season is done.

** OK, so the Eagles can clinch the division with a win over the Cowboys now. That’s a decent late Christmas present.

Week 16 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 2005.00 pts
2 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1974.15 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1960.40 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1925.89 pts
5 — Jabronis (Ant), 1861.83 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1849.41 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1838.97 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1835.20 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1812.86 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1633.50 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1464.80 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1316.10 pts

A late season push from Bob and Mom D, who scored 178.84 pts and 168.05 pts respectively, led a big week of scoring, but it wasn’t enough to massively disrupt the standings.

Jonathan remains hanging on to first, but Mike is sneaking up slowly, and I’m lurking (although dependent on the remains of Jalen Hurts to save me). Jo has an outside shot at first place, but everyone else may be playing for pride at this point.

Christmas is tomorrow, but so are two NFL games. And then there’s a Thursday game. And three Saturday games. Don’t forget the Sunday night game! Oh, and the Lions play on Monday. So NFL games on five of the next six days, because the NFL doesn’t want you to spend any time with family. GEt your rosters set and ignore everything but the Eagles game.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 15 recap

We’re less than two weeks away from Christmas, which means we’re in the height of Hallmark Christmas movie season. And this year didn’t disappoint — the channel premiered “Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story,” which focuses on a woman competing to win the team’s fan-of-the-year award who falls in love with a Chiefs public affairs specialist. Donna Kelce had a cameo (for real, it was on TV this weekend and will be on 8am Christmas morning).

The film got mixed ratings, which is good enough for Hallmark to rush several more copycats into production for next Christmas. Here’s a look at a few of the pilots being considered:

** Holly Jolly Jaguars — Trevor doesn’t have to think about the holidays, until his team is eliminated from the playoffs right after Thanksgiving. Can a trip back home to South Carolina and a chance meeting with his ex-girlfriend from college rekindle his Christmas spirit?

** Carolina Christmas Blues — Bill hasn’t been able to get over the breakup with his New England sweetheart for the past year. Desperate for a change, the senior citizen decides to enroll in college again, and learns that you can still be young at heart at Christmastime.

** J-E-T-S, ho, ho, ho! — Aaron moved to the big city to pursue his career, but the experience left him feeling cold and unloved. Now, with his company threatening to lay him off in December, can the Christmas season inspire him to give up his anti-vaccine ways and learn to love his fellow man?

** A Whiteout Christmas — Josh has been a superstar for his football team all year, and they seemed poised for the playoffs. But just before the big Christmas Eve game, a freak blizzard drops four feet of snow on the streets of Buffalo. Only a Christmas miracle will get him (and his fans) to the stadium on time.

** Receiving Christmas Cheer — Jalen and AJ used to be the perfect couple, but recently their relationship has been on the rocks. Can they pass the test of the holiday rush? Or will they drop the ball and run away from the world?

QB: Jared Goff, 51.06 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Davante Adams, 31.70 pts — started by Paul
RB: James Conner, 27.37 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Jonnu Smith, 13.70 pts — on Ant’s bench
K: Chase McLaughlin, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 25.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Nik Bonitto, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Congrats to Goff, who became the second QB this season to throw five TD passes in a game and lose (hi, Joe Burrow!). The 48-42 defeat at the hands of the Bills was also the fifth time in Detroit franchise history that the team has scored 40-plus points and lost, an NFL record. Lamar Jackson (46.60 pts) also threw five TDs on Sunday, but he won, so that’s boring.

A good week for QBs means a great week for wideouts too. Adams had 9 catches for 198 yds and two TDs, just a little better than Amon-Ra St. Brown’s 14 catches for 193 and one TD. Adams totaled 67.47 fantasy pts over the first 12 weeks of the season and has 62.37 pts in his last three games, so it’s nice to see him finally show up this year.

Three defenses topped 20 points this week, and a fourth (Cincinnati) just missed with 19.00 pts. On the flip side, nine defenses were worth zero or fewer points this week, with Detroit leading the way at -6.00, the worst possible score. So if you started Goff and his team’s defense, you would have cost yourself that fifth passing TD.

“Bad QBs” edition

3rd place: Sam Howell, -0.34 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jameis Winston, -0.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Will Levis, -4.44 pts — on the wire

Will Levis is allegedly a starting QB for the Tennessee Titans, but the stats don’t really back up that idea.

On Sunday, he was benched after two and a half quarters of football despite completing 11 of his first 12 passes. Of course, three of those were completed to the wrong team, including a 39-yard interception returned for a TD. Oh, he also lost a fumble.

This was the second time this year that Levis has started a game and ended in negative fantasy territory, and the single worst fantasy performance by a QB to date.

All this just makes Levis’ recent endorsement deal with Hellman’s Mayonnaise even better. Levis got the national commercial campaign because of his odd obsession with the disgusting condiment, going viral earlier this year for putting it in his coffee and selling out a mayo-scented cologne in the Tennessee area in September. And when you think about it, it’s the perfect pairing and athlete. He’s extra white. He’s not good at all. You only associate him with terrible times. And if you were to hand him your stomach, he would find a way to turn it over.


** Colts RB Jonathan Taylor broke free on a 41-yard run in the third quarter of his game against the Broncos and then went full DeSean Jackson at the goal line, dropping the ball before he broke the plane. The ball rolled forward into the end zone and resulted in a touchback for the Broncos, who went on to score 24 unanswered points in a 31-13 comeback victory.

I don’t know what to tell you. Absolutely no one has ever looked cool dropping the ball at the goal line, but a ton of these players think it’s fun. I guess we need to think about putting staples on the ball to prevent stupidity fumbles.

** Sirius XM has an ad they run during football games for the Howard Stern show that starts like this:

Voiceover — “Howard Stern knows football.”
Stern — “Every time I get excited about a team, they lose.”

Doesn’t sound like he knows football. Just sounds like he’s a standard Jets fan.

** Dominos Pizza has an ad now where they deliver an “emergency pizza” to a contestant in the Squid Game and I’m sorry did ANYONE on that advertising team ever see the TV show? The contestant is hungry, so he orders a pizza so he isn’t caught moving during a game of Red Light, Green Light. A happy delivery woman brings him one … and then presumably is cut down in a hail of machine gun fire in a dystopian hellscape. That’s pizza for you!

The Eagles won their 10th game in a row on Sunday, the longest such streak in franchise history. But does a long line of consecutive wins result in a championship? Here’s the best such streaks from other Philly teams, and how those seasons ended:

** Philadelphia 76ers
Win streaks of 10 or more — 17
Most recent — 2018
Longest streak — 18 games (1966)
The Liberty Ballers boast the most double-digit win streaks in city history, and actually had two runs of 10 wins in their 1983 championship season. They also won 10 in a row during 1967, en route to another title. But their most recent victory run — a 16-game win streak in 2018 — resulted in a predictable second-round playoff loss to the Celtics, as most of their seasons seem to end nowadays.

** Philadelphia Flyers
Win streaks of 10 or more — 6
Most recent — 2016
Longest streak — 13 games (1985)
That 1985 ended with a trip to the Stanley Cup finals, but not a championship win. But of the six Flyers seasons with long winning streaks, only once — in 1993 — did the Flyers fail to at least make the playoffs. Just something else to get angry at Eric Lindros for.

** Philadelphia Phillies
Win streaks of 10 or more — 13
Most recent — 2010
Longest streak — 16 games (1892, 1887, 1890)
Twice in the 1800s, the Phillies had 16-game win streaks broken up by the Boston Beaneaters (not a slur, that was an actual team back then). If you restrict your stats to just games after 1900, then the Phillies have only had 11 seasons with double-digit win streaks, and only twice since 1992. None happened in a season where they made the World Series.

As proof that true beauty can come from pure evil, I present to you the latest edition of insult anagram poetry. This time, the verses come courtesy of a key special teams player for Dallas, long snapper Trent Sieg:

** LS Trent Sieg **

Gentlest sir
Tigress lent

Grit nestles
Gristle sent

Grin settles
Regents slit
Stinger lets
Tern legs sit

Tests linger
Glint resets
Tensest girl
Tingle rests

Go ahead and check, all the lines are perfect anagrams of his name.

But what does it mean? It’s a deep reflection on the Cowboys’ lost season, where the soft coach (gentlest sir) tries to imbue a vicious spirit on his players (tigress lent) but leaves the team with only grit and gristle instead of inspiration. Players laugh it off (grin settles) and leave their skills on the sidelines (stinger lets tern legs sit). While the animal spirit is still there (tensest girl) the “tingle” of winning is asleep for the moment.

The lines are beautiful in their horror and disappointment. It’s like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you’ve already paid. Who are we to question the wisdom of the anagram balladry?

** Finally, I had a breakthrough in the picks against Dad. We had four games different, and I swept them all. Sadly, that also meant correctly predicting that the Cowboys would wipe the floor with the Panthers, but sometimes you have to acknowledge an act of evil and move on. I’m up five for the year now with just three weeks left, giving me a little breathing room for the stretch run.

** The Garrity Family playoffs start next week with #1 seed Jim vs. #4 seed Tommy/Shane and #2 seed Dad vs. #3 seed me. But the big news is that for the first time in three years, the “America’s Losers” team full of Cowboys and only Cowboys did not win a single game. So in a bigger sense, we’re all winners. But hopefully I’m the winner in the real sense next week too.

** The Steelers are one of the three best teams in the AFC. In the second half Sunday, they had two possessions: one ended in a fumble, the other in a punt. The Eagles final drive was 21 plays, 88 yards and took 10:29 minutes. Philly held the ball for 39:52 minutes in the game.

That was a beatdown of a really good team.


Week 15 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,885.38 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1,851.63 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,838.71 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1,810.60 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1,747.25 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,730.54 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1,729.44 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,660.13 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,644.81 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,496.39 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1,379.01 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1,235.31 pts

Jo’s team scored 142.42 pts this week and that was only good enough for third place on the weekend. Seven teams scored above 120, led by Jonathan’s 145.64. He doubled his lead over second place to almost 34 points, but now has both Mike and me within a 50-point outburst of taking over first place.

And the second-most points this week? Is that Paul? His team was projected to only score 80-points by the Yahoo algorithm but ended up with 143.24, thanks to big days from Davante Adams, Jordan Love and Tyjae Spears. He could have gone even higher if he had started a kicker and a second defensive player. But that kind of mistake is understandable this early in the season.

Speaking of setting your roster, it gets complicated this weekend. There is a Thursday game, two Saturday games, one Monday game and two Wednesday games that don’t count until week 17 so why did you even bring them up? Just make sure you’ve got a kicker ready to go. Only three weeks of fantasy football left.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 14 recap

On Monday, Disney+ simulcast the Bengals/Cowboys tilt but substituted Simpsons characters for key players and fans. The experiment was fairly weird and totally awesome, with jokes and references jammed into nearly every down.

This was actually the second animated simulcast that Disney+ has broadcast, after a similar Toy Story themed presentation last year. So that begs the question: What will next year’s special animated real-time football game be? Here are the likely contenders:

** Star Wars simulcast: Ever wanted to see Jedi against Stormtroopers in a football game? No? Too bad! There are hundreds of “use the force” jokes for every completion, incompletion and run up the middle. Bonus points for using Jawas as referees.

** Frozen simulcast: Packers vs. Vikings from the frozen tundra of … Arendelle. Every deep pass is accompanied by an ESPN host shrieking “let it go, let it go!”

** Marvel simulcast: The network won’t be able to resist turning the Chiefs into members of the Avengers, complete with a list of Patrick Mahomes’ “superpowers.” And if they schedule it against the Raiders, team owner Mark Davis kinda looks like Thanos already.

** Little Mermaid simulcast: Only works if it’s the Dolphins vs. the Seahawks. Otherwise no one wants to be part of that world.

** Wall-E simulcast: This would be long and boring without life in the booth. So, you know, a typical last-season NFC South game.

QB: Josh Allen, 57.88 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jordan Addison, 30.87 pts — started by me
RB: Zach Charbonnet, 32.83 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 13.07 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: San Francisco, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Yetur Gross-Matos, 8.00 pts — on the wire

Vikings QB Sam Darnold threw five TD passes this week but missed out on his moment of glory atop the best performers list because of Allen.

Allen had an insane stat line on Sunday: 342 passing yds, 3 passing TDs, 82 rushing yds, 3 rushing TDs. His 57.88 fantasy points is the fourth best total since this league was founded, and I’m listing the rest here for the next time I need to remember those stats:

1 — Drew Brees, 60.54 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
2 — Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts, Sept. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
3 — Nick Foles, 59.64 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
4 — Josh Allen, 57.88 pts, Dec. 2024 (3 passing TDs, 3 rushing TDs)
5 — Mike Vick, 57.37 pts, Sept. 2010 (4 passing TDs, 2 rushing TDs)

But Allen does hold one distinction from the rest of that group — he LOST the game despite the gaudy stats. The Bills fell 42-44 to the Rams thanks to a defense that was worth -6.00 pts on the day. That means Buffalo had the best fantasy QB performance in league history and the worst possible defensive fantasy score on the same day. Just wild stuff.

Meanwhile, Addison had eight catches for 133 yds and three TDs, and his fellow Vikings wideout Justin Jefferson had another seven catches for 132 yds and two TDs (24.30 fantasy pts, good for #3 on the week among wideouts). If you started those two together, you would have gotten 55.17 fantasy points. That’s almost the same as one Josh Allen start.

One more note — with that game Allen vaulted himself in the QB fantasy standings for the year all the way up to … number two, because Lamar Jackson had the week off and is still 30 full fantasy points ahead of him.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Kadarius Toney, -0.62 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cordarrelle Patterson, -1.33 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Allen, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Best QB on the week: Allen. Worst QB on the week: Allen.

Brandon Allen had one pass attempt for the 49ers, and it was picked off by the Bears. Josh Allen had six TDs against the Rams. Josh Allen’s team lost. Brandon Allen’s team won. Football is weird.

Toney has only registered a fantasy score in three games this season, and two of them have been negative points. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, keep playing on the Browns.

 

** Just in case you haven’t been following the Boise State Broncos football team closely, start RB Ashton Jeanty rushed for 209 yds in Saturday's Mountain West title game, giving him 2,497 yds for the season. That’s good enough for fourth-best all time in college football, just 131 yds behind Barry Sanders record of 2,628 set in 1998.

Jeanty could pass Sanders in the Broncos college football playoff game later this month, a situation that seems unfair, since Sanders didn’t get to pad his total with any post-season games. Well, actually he did, rushing for 222 yds in a bowl game, but the NCAA doesn’t consider stats collected in bowl games towards single-season records.

Well, actually they do, but only for bowl games that happened after 2002. Why? Because. So Jeanty can add to his season totals with any playoff games but Sanders’ total is locked because it happened before LeBron James played his first NBA game, which is the standard dividing line for all college football stats.

If we’re gonna have this arbitrary nonsense with college football stats, then I’m not recognizing Notre Dame as ever being the top team in the country. After all, none of those championships came after 2002.

** On Sirius NFL Radio, former NFL coach Bill Belichick was asked about what he saw with the Patriots team this year.

“They only have three wins this year,” he said. “It’s hard to watch. There’s nothing I can do about it, of course, but it’s hard.”

From the tone of his voice, you could tell that Belichick meant his “of course” to remind folks that he is no longer the coach of the Patriots, so of course he can’t fix it. Funny thing is, he was the coach of the Patriots last year, and they went 4-13. So, even if he were still the coach, it’s pretty clear he couldn’t fix it then either.

** The Chiefs clinched their 9th straight division title on Sunday night with a win over the Chargers that came on a last-play field goal which bounced off the upright but over the crossbar for three points. As the refs signaled success, announcer Mike Tirico exclaimed “it’s a doink for the division!” Decent turn of phrase on the spot by him.

Three minutes later, NBC sideline reporter Melissa Stark interviewed QB Patrick Mahomes about the improbable win. “It’s already being called ‘the doink for the division!’ What do you think of that?”

Hold on, it’s “already” being called that because your team just said it. It wasn’t a trending topic, it was something you all invented. Sure, social media started quoting Tirico, but that was way later, like 10 minutes after the fact.

Mahomes called the moment “amazing.” And then Stark informed him that some people were already calling it an amazing ending. Probably. I dunno, Joanna was shouting at the TV after it all happened, so it was hard to hear.
 

One person in America was sweating out those final few minutes of the Eagles win on Sunday than any Philly fan: An unnamed gambler put down $3.1 million on the birds to beat the Panthers and nearly saw that small fortune go up in smoke. The odds on the bet were terrible, netting him $442,000 and potentially costing him almost eight times that amount.

Hopefully, this compulsive bettor has learned his or her lesson. But if not, here are some better ways to spend that $3.1 million for next time:

— Employ Zack Baun and Nakobe Dean for one year. The two Eagles linebackers’ compensation for 2024 is $3.02 million. They could probably earn you a few bucks carrying things and shoveling snow.

— Buy 13 Super Bowl rings. The most expensive sold to date was Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring, which went for $230K. With some savvy negotiating, you might be able to get as many as 15.

— Get 10,000 shares of Packer stock. The last sale, in 2022, had shares going for $300 each. In 2011, the shares cost $250 each. That’s a solid growth investment.

— Rent a suite at Lincoln Financial Field through 2085. The most expensive luxury boxes for Eagles home games run $45,000 a year right now. Scalp some tickets to those seats to turn a profit.

— Don’t bet on the Eagles. The team is 22-9 in real life over the last two years but 15-14-2 against the betting spreads in that same frame. If the odds are basically a coin flip, maybe resist the temptation to wager more than $3 million on tails.

Among the worst sins of the Cowboys franchise this year is not only their insatiable appetite for evil, but also their generally boring nature. True, watching them lose is fun, but in general the team has felt rather ordinary and unexciting. And that’s no surprise, when you start to see a common theme hidden in several of their players’ names:

Dallas Cowboys LB Buddy Johnson
** Jowly, bad, bland nobody. Such loss.

Dallas Cowboys Rookie TE Brevyn Spann-Ford
** A very bland player. Two socks, no friends. Boo.

Dallas Cowboys DE Marshawn Kneeland
** Bland man, lacks lady, needs a shower. Ow.

Remember, kids — I’ve you’re going to be full of spite and malice, at least be interesting about it.

** Once again, Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving me up one for the season. We actually independently selected all the same winners ahead of Sunday’s game, then forced each other to change one contest. And we both lost the ones we chose, which meant we were right the first time. On the season, I’m a ridiculous 146-62 picking winners (70.2% right) while Dad is a pedestrian 145-63 (30.3% incorrect).

** NFL teams have scored 30 or more points in games 97 times this season. Their combined record in those games is 87-10. The Bengals have done it six times, and their record in those games is 2-4. That’s just an amazing level of pain for their fans.

** The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win next week against the Steelers and a loss by the Commanders to the Saints. They can clinch at least the #2 overall seed with a win, a Commanders’ loss and a Seahawks’ loss to the Packers. And they can clinch the #1 overall seed next week with those three things and the Lions being teleported to Mars by belligerent aliens gambling on Earth sports.

Week 14 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1739.74 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1723.53 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1699.49 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1668.18 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1624.63 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1612.70 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1605.10 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1573.08 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.54 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1413.00 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1235.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1163.69 pts

It’s a race again. Both Mike and I topped 150 pts this week, pulling to within striking distance of Jonathan’s reign of terror atop the standings. Dad just missed 150 pts but pulled himself from 8th place to fifth, 115 pts out of the top spot. Jo almost hit 130 pts, fell on spot in the standings but picked up 15 points on the leader.

And Jonathan? He still scored 115.62 pts with his MVP QB on a bye, but the good-not-great week puts some concerns in his quest for a repeat. With four fantasy weeks left, he is catchable.

Well, catchable if your team is within about 150 pts. Everyone below the seven spot is likely just playing for pride. To play off Paul, your teams may be fighters, but they are not giants.

No byes this week, but there are two Monday night games, and neither one will feature Simpsons characters. So sad. Try to push past the heartbreak and set those rosters early.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 13 recap

Not every NFL team was contractually obligated to play on Thanksgiving this year — Most players got to enjoy a nice meal with their teammates on the holiday. Here’s a quick look at what was on the menu at a few of the locker rooms across the league:

** New Jersey Giants: Lots of cranberry sauce. Maybe that has something to do with all the jiggling in that spineless mess of a squad.

** Kansas City Chiefs: Rabbit. It wasn’t particularly tasty, but it’s the only way to get enough rabbit feet into their system to ensure they get a ridiculously lucky win every week.

** Dallas Cowboys: Veal. It’s not a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but it is cruel and reprehensible, so the players loved it.

** Jacksonville Jaguars: Chicken nuggets. They don’t deserve anything better.

** Philadelphia Eagles: Raven. Wrong bird for the holiday, but still tasty enough.

** New Jersey Jets: They actually didn’t eat, but they did gather around a table to listen to QB Aaron Rogers spew conspiracy theories for a few hours.

** San Francisco 49ers: Multiple large servings of humble pie, perfect for an overhyped fourth-place team.

QB: Jameis Winston, 40.98 pts — on the wire
WR: Jerry Jeudy, 28.17 pts — started by Dad
RB: Bucky Irving, 25.30 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Brock Bowers, 20.53 pts — started by Jonathan
K: Chad Ryland, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Chargers, 20.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Leonard Williams, 18.00 pts — on the wire

I had this whole section written at halftime on Monday night, then had to dump it because Winston decided to pass for 497 yards and six TDs. Of course, two of those TDs went to the other team, but you take the good with the bad.

Winston had the second-most passing yards of any QB in a game this season (behind Kirk Cousins’ 509) and lost anyways. Jeudy, who caught most of Winston’s long throws, had the second most receiving yards of any wideout this year (Jamar Chase, 267). Both Chase and Jeudy saw their team lose those games. Stats aren’t everything.

Williams, a defensive lineman for the Seahawks, had three tackles, two sacks and a 92-yard interception return for a TD in Sunday’s win over the Jets. According to ESPN, that made him the first NFL player over 300 pounds to return an interception more than 90 yards for a TD. I can’t wait for the network to launch a new “yards per pound” feature so we can debate whether a 15-yard swing pass to a 165-pound WR3 is more impressive on a quantum mechanics level than a 250-pound QB sneak for two yards.

I double checked, Chad Ryland is a real NFL player. Apparently he has been playing for about two months. It was news to me too.

“Scrabble tiles” edition

3rd place: Laviska Shenault, -1.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Hassan Haskins, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Juszczyk, -2.10 pts — on the wire

Special recognition goes out to the 49ers defense, which recorded a perfect -6.00 pts this week against Buffalo: 35 pts allowed, no turnovers, no sacks. Just a wonderful stat line.

Juszczyk gets you 42 points on a scrabble board (even more if you can sneak it onto the double word space) but he has managed only 21.09 fantasy pts this year. The 49ers RB subtracted from his season total with a rush for -1 yards and a fumble inside the red zone on Sunday night, giving the ball to the Bills and helping that San Fran defense surrender even more points.


** Visiting the Philly area this week, I saw that Dad had procured three boxes of special Jason Kelce cereal. The first is just a box of Lucky Charms with the Kelce brother’s faces. The second is a box of Honey Nut Cheerios with the same.

The third is a box of “Kelce Mix” cereal — Reeses Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Lucky Charms, all thrown in together.

This is a pro-Kelce blog, and even despite all the overexposure that Jason is getting right now, I’m here to support him. That said, Kelce Mix is a crime against both nature and humanity. Don’t go back and reread what is in there, it will cause an immediate cavity and rapid-heart syndrome. I’m legitimately concerned that both brothers will be jailed if any children actually eat that abomination of flavors.

I wanna keep backing you, Jason, but you’re making it difficult.

** In the first quarter of the Michigan game on Saturday (the MICHIGAN GAME, since only one team showed up), the Wolverines faced a third-and-four at their own 36-yard line. QB Davis Warren threw a slant pass to TE Marlin Klein, who was immediately wrapped up by a linebacker. Warren reached forward as he fell, and Fox announcer Gus Johnson exclaimed “we’ll see if that move makes it close enough for a first down!”

After a quick review, the refs announced it was not, and Michigan faced a fourth-and-four.

Yes, fourth-and-four. Klein was tackled at the line of scrimmage, but Johnson wasn’t sure if the 6-foot-6 tight end had managed to stretch twice his height to get the first down. In fairness, it was hard to tell on the telecast whether he had gotten a first, because the yellow line was so far away it was barely on the screen.

Michigan opted to punt, despite the short reach away from another set of downs.

** In one of the stupidest scoring decisions in NFL history, Bills QB Josh Allen was credited with a receiving TD in Sunday’s game despite having zero catches.

On the play in question, Allen passed to WR Amari Cooper, who was immediately wrapped up by a 49ers cornerback. Before he was tackled, however, he lateralled the ball back to Allen, who ran it forward 7 yds for a TD. I gave Allen a passing TD and receiving TD on the same play, something that rarely happens in the NFL.

But it has happened before, when a pass is batted in the air the QB catches it. In this case, Allen didn’t catch a pass, but the NFL decided they’d act as if he did just for grins. A logical solution would have been to call it a catch, then a rushing TD by Allen, same as if he picked up a fumble and advanced it (which is allowed only in certain circumstances). But, no, the NFL wanted to celebrate Allen getting a passing, rushing and receiving TD in the same game, no matter how convoluted the logic was.

Allen’s final box score line: 7 yds receiving, 1 receiving TD, 0 catches. Makes perfect sense.

The Eagles are 10-2 at the start of December — just like one year ago, and we all remember how awful that turned out.

Last season’s collapse should send shivers down the spine of every fan. After losing to the 49ers to set their record at 10-2, the Eagles lost five of their next six games, including an embarrassing playoff loss. The lesson here is that a good start can lead to an epic collapse and … hold on, didn’t they win 10 of their first 12 back in 2022 as well?

Yep. They were 11-1 at the start of December, and headed towards the Super Bowl. So the real lesson to take away from an Eagles team that wins 10 or more of their first 12 games is that while the team may look good, they can’t win it all.

Or maybe they can, because the Eagles were 10-2 after 12 games in 2017 and won the championship.

So the real REAL lesson here is that in the last eight years, the Eagles have had four seasons where they had 10 wins before the first week in December. That means it’s hard to remember which Eagles’ 10-win seasons were good and which were disappointing. And that is an insane thing to type.

The Eagles best three-year win total since the franchise was founded was from 2002 to 2004, when Andy Reid led the team to 37 regular season wins and a 4-3 playoff record. Right now, the Eagles have 35 regular season wins since the start of 2022, with five games left this season. Hopefully, that total increases. And they have a 2-2 playoff record over the last two seasons. That could improve too. 

Since 2000, the Eagles have 238 wins against 159 losses. Only four teams (Patriots, Steelers, Packers and Ravens) have seen more wins than the Eagles over that span. Since 2022, only the Chiefs have won more, and they only lead the Eagles by one regular season victory.

These are really good times for football in Philly. Don’t forget to appreciate that.

Also, Saquon Barkley rules.

Dallas has put together a surprising two-game win streak despite being left for dead in the standings a month ago. What’s the secret to the turnaround? For most teams, it would center on teamwork, persistence, character. For the Cowboys? Their center is a little different. Just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Center Cooper Beebe
** Sweet boy? No. Local scrod be a creep

I too am dismayed that being a creep can still translate into success, but honestly, it’s not that much of a surprise.

** Dad and I split our picks yet again, leaving me up one in the season standings. I lost yet another one-point game against him, this time mistakenly putting my faith in the Patriots over the Colts. This is the fourth time this season I’ve lost a one-point decision to Dad, which is fairly ridiculous. If he beats me on the season by one-game, I’m demanding a recount.

** Ohio State coach Ryan Day is 47-1 in regular season games excluding contests against Michigan. He’s 3-8 in games against Michigan and post-season games. You know, the games that actually are important and call for a good coach. But congrats on being proficient at beating up on nobodies.

** If Green Bay beats Detroit on Thursday night, and the Eagles beat Carolina, the birds would have the tiebreaker for the #1 seed against the Lions. Just something to keep an eye on.


Week 13 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,624.12 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1,569.04 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,540.85 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1,538.85 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,512.94 pts
6 — Jabronis (Ant), 1,486.56 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,481.78 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1,478.28 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,449.98 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,298.52 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1,163.44 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1,106.06 pts

Tough week for Jo, who left the #2 QB and #1 defense on her bench over the holiday weekend, but did start the second-worst defense on the week (Miami, -3.00 pts). She lost 49 pts to her bench, which would have been enough to vault her into second. Instead, she sits just a hair behind Mike, off the medal stand.

Jonathan opened up his first-place lead a bit again, but he has his QB and #3 WR on a bye this week, so now is the time to catch up to him.

Speaking of byes, this is the final bye week of the season. The Broncos, Colts, Patriots, Commanders, Ravens and Texans all have off, right as most fantasy teams are deciding who will make the playoffs. Gotta love the NFL, they find ways to ruin almost everything fun about football.

Six teams on byes means only 14 games this week, so fill those roster holes early. We’ve only got five weeks of regular season football left before the Awesome Cup gets polished and awarded again.