Given the concerning Russian undertones of “Red October,” here are some alternate tag lines for the start of the Phillies postseason run:
** Pheel the Phever
** In Trea we Trust
** Seeing Red
** Bryce to meet you
** Phight to the Phinish
** Schwarbring it on
** Phry the Phish
** Go Phils, but please leave Kimbrel on the bench
** Go Birds (good for any Philly team, really)
WR: Stefon Diggs, 29.00 pts — started by Ant
RB: Christian McCaffery, 42.83 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Cole Kmet, 21.27 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Jake Elliott, 18.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Seattle, 33.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
D: Khalil Mack, 20.50 pts — on the wire
Bob left 65 pts on his bench this week but still outscored five other teams, so who are you to judge? As a league, we actually owned the three best defenses on the week but started none of them (#2 was Dallas with 30 pts on Sam’s bench, #3 was Jacksonville on Dad’s bench with 21 pts). Meanwhile, I have scored 12 pts total through four weeks from my defenses, which is not good.
God bless Jake Elliott — Not only did he have the game-winning kick in Sunday’s overtime victory for the Eagles, he’s also the top fantasy kicker so far this year, with 13 made FGs (four from beyond 50 yards) and nine XPs. It was an odd move to invest significantly in a kicker when the Eagles signed him to a $19 million deal back in 2019, but every year it feels a little more like that may have been the best money they’ve ever spent.
Mack had eight tackles, six sacks and two forced fumbles on Sunday against the Raiders, the team that drafted and later traded him. And since you were wondering, that’s only good for a five-way tie for second place in the NFL single-game sack record.
Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas had seven in a game against the Seahawks in 1990. He also had six in a game against the Raiders in 1998, giving him two of the top six sack performances ever. It’s an incredible feat that helps distract from the memory of the six-sack game Giants DE Osi Umenyiora had against the Eagles on the day of G’s bachelor party, which of course was the first thing I thought of when I heard about Mack’s game.
“When the Saints come marching in” edition3rd place: Kyle Allen, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Adam Prentice, -0.67 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jameis Winston, -2.00 pts — on the wire
I don’t know how you think your Sunday went, but it was better than Winston’s. The Saints backup — who has made about $55 million in his NFL career — threw one pass on Sunday that ended up being picked off. That is a perfect 0.00 QB rating, significantly lower than yours (1 pass, zero completions, no interceptions = 39.6 QB rating). And you probably didn’t cost your employer hundreds of thousands of dollars this week.
Prentice is also on New Orleans and also turned in a miserable performance, with one rush, one catch and one fumble. Allen is not on the Saints but seems like a nice guy, so that’s good enough for his inclusion in this bit.
** In case you missed it on Sunday, Disney+ had their weird “Toy Story Funday Football” where the live action of the Jaguars/Falcons game was nearly instantly translated into cartoon form so a younger audience could watch the game live. All glitches and jokes aside, it was a remarkable feat, with tech folks using sensors on every player to feed information into motion-capture cameras to show exactly where the ball was and how the players were moving. It may have been the most technologically advanced initiative by the league ever.
Also during the game, when the officials needed to figure out whether either team had gained enough yards for a first down, they used the best technology provided by the league: two sticks and a long chain.
Are we serious with this? We can have computer algorithms instantly track every inch of players’ bodies, but we’re still going to measure first downs based on where refs guessed a play ended and how straight those 50-year-old zebras can hold a long string? We can’t use that fancy field mapping technology to actually map the field when it matters, instead of just for animated giggles?
I get it, the advances in technology will never happen because the big chain manufacturing lobby secretly rules the NFL. But maybe someday, we could start measuring plays using technology at least from the 1700s instead of the Stone Age.
** Shout out to ESPN’s Jeremy Fowler, who surveyed league executives at the start of the year and announced Bengals QB Joe Burrow as the consensus pick to win the MVP this season. The Cincinnati QB finished fourth in the award voting last year and was predicted to have an even better season in 2023 thanks to an improved offense and another year of experience. For a few days in August, Burrow was the Vegas favorite to win the award.
Fast forward to October: The Bengals are 1-3. Burrow is 29th in the league in passing TDs, 26th in passing yards and the 31st ranked QB in fantasy. Saints QB Derek Carr has more points than him, and he played the last game with one shoulder.
Other than that, though, he’s looking like a lock to be the top player of the year.
** NFL pundits renewed their calls for outlawing the Eagles short-yardage play — formerly known as the Tush Push, now known as the Brotherly Shove — after the Patriots and Chargers and Giants successfully used the unstoppable formation in their games on Sunday.
Nah, just kidding. All of of those teams tried to use it on fourth down plays, and none succeeded. You know why? Because their players aren’t as good as the Eagles, so the play doesn’t work as well. Crazy concept, I know. Yet no ESPN talking heads complained when those other teams failed using the “questionable” play.
I guess it’s more fun to cry foul when a team finds an advantage than to find ways to stop it. That’s why I think the league should outlaw handing the ball off to McCafferty. If you think about it, that’s not a fair play, given that he’s running really well right now.
On Sunday, Eagles WR A.J. Brown was penalized for taunting on a late 4th quarter TD catch when he placed the football at the feet of a Commanders CB after the play was over. Brown apologized for the move, which gave his opponents good field position on the ensuing drive and led to a game-tying TD.
Just a short while later, in the Vikings win over the Panthers, Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson pulled the same move on a TD catch but also yelled at the defeated CB and made a “too short” hand gesture to his opponent. Jefferson was not flagged (although the play was later reversed on an unrelated call), leading to widespread confusion over what taunting actually entails.
Luckily, the NFL has produced a series of examples of what kind of activity will draw a taunting flag and what is permissible. These examples should clarify any future confusion:
** Standing over a RB after he has been tackled for a loss: Taunting. Players must give opponents room to stand up after the play.
** Ripping off C Jason Kelce’s helmet and cursing at him: Not taunting. It happened two plays before the Brown penalty, and the refs ignored it.
** Stomping on the other team’s logo at midfield: Taunting. Especially if the play ended many yards away from there.
** Telling RB Boston Scott that he is too short and weak for football: Not taunting. That’s just a fact.
** Tackling the 49ers QB: Taunting. San Francisco fans are still demanding justice for such a horrible move nine months ago.
** Riding on a snow horse on Hoth: Not taunting. That’s a tauntaun.
** Executing the Brotherly Shove: Taunting. No need to rub it in that your short-yardage game is better than everyone else’s.
New Dallas RB Deuce Vaughn has gotten into a few games of late and received good reviews from team leaders, even though he’s projected to be little more than a backup body for his career. So why did the Cowboys reach to take him in the 6th round in last spring’s draft? If not his skills, it must be his character. And rearranging the letters in his name clearly shows what kind of person he is:
Cowboys rookie RB Deuce Vaughn
** Ha! Very bogus cuckoo wino breed
A crazy drunk person makes for an ideal Dallas backfield member.
** Oooof — Dad swept all three games in our picks this week, leaving us tied for the year. He went 13-3, which means he could have made some money if not for his philosophical opposition to gambling. Meanwhile, I lost in all three of my other leagues, including a 160.20-149.20 loss in the Garrity league where I outscored every other team except for Shelly. Rough go all around.
** Through four games, Giants QB Daniel Jones has thrown two TD passes to his team and two to his opponents (Dallas and Seattle both had INTs returned for touchdowns). The single-season record for pick sixes by a QB is seven, and right now Jones is on pace for eight …
** Don’t look now, but the Delaware Blue Hens are 3-1 and sitting at 9th in the top 25 FCS poll.
Week 4 standings
1 — The Best (Jonathan), 575.26 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 506.78 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 463.82 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 461.23 pts
5 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 460.06 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 445.99 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 413.70 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 402.91 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 402.82 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 398.17 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 395.36 pts
12 — Looking for a Healthy RB (Paul), 388.15 pts
We had three different team name changes this week, and all came with success. In light of the new Philly-centric name for the tush push, my team became the Brotherly Shove Squad, and was instantly shoved way up in the standings behind the best scoring performance of the week. I’m within sight of Joanna now, which is already making her unhappy.
Paul’s change to Looking for a Healthy RB was more of a cry for help than proper name change, but that seemed to work too. He’s within striking distance of the single-digit spots, and scored 100-plus points in consecutive weeks.
Sam’s rebranding left him about where he was, but it’s hard to stay on the medal stand all year long. Standard Deviations fell slightly towards the middle of the pack, but luckily his average scoring is still fairly high. Even more luckily, higher level math is not a prerequisite for the Awesome Cup.
What’s the moral of the story? Obviously, changing your team name means better results. We have three plots on the chart to prove that now. It’s just science.
Jonathan continues to dominate, opening his first-place lead a little more this week, which he credits to the recent additions of Eagles LB Zach Cunningham and former Eagles TE Zach Ertz to his crew. Also the fact that Christian McCaffery has 106.30 points through four games.
Bye weeks start this week, but there is also still a Thursday game and a London game, so I assume nobody is playing Sunday afternoon. Best to get your squad in order early to ensure you don’t fall behind any further.
Just a short while later, in the Vikings win over the Panthers, Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson pulled the same move on a TD catch but also yelled at the defeated CB and made a “too short” hand gesture to his opponent. Jefferson was not flagged (although the play was later reversed on an unrelated call), leading to widespread confusion over what taunting actually entails.
Luckily, the NFL has produced a series of examples of what kind of activity will draw a taunting flag and what is permissible. These examples should clarify any future confusion:
** Standing over a RB after he has been tackled for a loss: Taunting. Players must give opponents room to stand up after the play.
** Ripping off C Jason Kelce’s helmet and cursing at him: Not taunting. It happened two plays before the Brown penalty, and the refs ignored it.
** Stomping on the other team’s logo at midfield: Taunting. Especially if the play ended many yards away from there.
** Telling RB Boston Scott that he is too short and weak for football: Not taunting. That’s just a fact.
** Tackling the 49ers QB: Taunting. San Francisco fans are still demanding justice for such a horrible move nine months ago.
** Riding on a snow horse on Hoth: Not taunting. That’s a tauntaun.
** Executing the Brotherly Shove: Taunting. No need to rub it in that your short-yardage game is better than everyone else’s.
New Dallas RB Deuce Vaughn has gotten into a few games of late and received good reviews from team leaders, even though he’s projected to be little more than a backup body for his career. So why did the Cowboys reach to take him in the 6th round in last spring’s draft? If not his skills, it must be his character. And rearranging the letters in his name clearly shows what kind of person he is: Cowboys rookie RB Deuce Vaughn
** Ha! Very bogus cuckoo wino breed
A crazy drunk person makes for an ideal Dallas backfield member.
** Oooof — Dad swept all three games in our picks this week, leaving us tied for the year. He went 13-3, which means he could have made some money if not for his philosophical opposition to gambling. Meanwhile, I lost in all three of my other leagues, including a 160.20-149.20 loss in the Garrity league where I outscored every other team except for Shelly. Rough go all around. ** Through four games, Giants QB Daniel Jones has thrown two TD passes to his team and two to his opponents (Dallas and Seattle both had INTs returned for touchdowns). The single-season record for pick sixes by a QB is seven, and right now Jones is on pace for eight …
** Don’t look now, but the Delaware Blue Hens are 3-1 and sitting at 9th in the top 25 FCS poll.
Week 4 standings
1 — The Best (Jonathan), 575.26 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 506.78 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 463.82 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 461.23 pts
5 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 460.06 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 445.99 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 413.70 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 402.91 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 402.82 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 398.17 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 395.36 pts
12 — Looking for a Healthy RB (Paul), 388.15 pts
We had three different team name changes this week, and all came with success. In light of the new Philly-centric name for the tush push, my team became the Brotherly Shove Squad, and was instantly shoved way up in the standings behind the best scoring performance of the week. I’m within sight of Joanna now, which is already making her unhappy.
Paul’s change to Looking for a Healthy RB was more of a cry for help than proper name change, but that seemed to work too. He’s within striking distance of the single-digit spots, and scored 100-plus points in consecutive weeks.
Sam’s rebranding left him about where he was, but it’s hard to stay on the medal stand all year long. Standard Deviations fell slightly towards the middle of the pack, but luckily his average scoring is still fairly high. Even more luckily, higher level math is not a prerequisite for the Awesome Cup.
What’s the moral of the story? Obviously, changing your team name means better results. We have three plots on the chart to prove that now. It’s just science.
Jonathan continues to dominate, opening his first-place lead a little more this week, which he credits to the recent additions of Eagles LB Zach Cunningham and former Eagles TE Zach Ertz to his crew. Also the fact that Christian McCaffery has 106.30 points through four games.
Bye weeks start this week, but there is also still a Thursday game and a London game, so I assume nobody is playing Sunday afternoon. Best to get your squad in order early to ensure you don’t fall behind any further.
1 comment:
I think that David Akers may have something to say about Jake Elliott being the best money the Eagles ever spent. It may probably be something about if you change the order of Elliott you can spell toilet, with an extra L, but he still might have something to say about it.
And can I PLEASE get one of my top drafted RBs healthy enough to play this weekend? Ekeler and Taylor (and me not being good at fantasy football) are killing my team.
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