Fantasy football 2003 -- week 8 recap

Here’s a look at what some of the Eagles players will be dressing up as for Halloween this year:

** RB D'Andre Swift: The invisible man — When he goes to parties, no one even notices him for the first three-quarters of the event, but then he gets some candy late.

** QB Jalen Hurts: The Riddler — What mysteries will he present today? Will he throw a backbreaking pick or an amazing deep ball? Does he still know how to run?

** C Jason Kelce: A bulldozer — He’s planning to wear yellow, walk up to local homes, and get low enough to push the door back a yard so the kids behind can dive forward for treats.

** LB Haason Reddick: Bruce the Shark — He doesn’t show up until late in the movie, but he’s pretty scary when he finally pops in.

** Offensive Coach Brian Johnson: Andy Reid — He just keeps finding ways to win. But make sure he doesn’t fall behind the rest of the trick-or-treaters because he doesn’t believe in running.

** WR AJ Brown: A rhinoceros — He won’t actually put on a costume, but he will just bulldoze through crowds all night long.

** RB Boston Scott: A clown — He won’t have to put on a costume either. He’s just a clown.

QB: Sam Howell, 38.98 pts — on the wire
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 29.73 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Gus Edwards, 27.93 pts — started by Mike
TE: Trey McBride, 17.83 pts — on the wire
K: Riley Patterson, 17.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Dallas, 20.00 pts — started by Sam
D: DaRon Bland, 12.00 pts — on the wire

The Eagles are now 7-1, the best record in the NFL. And one week after shutting down the top offense in all of football, they could not touch Howell, the most-sacked QB in the league by far.

Through seven games, Howell had nine TDs, seven INTs and 40 sacks. On Sunday, he threw four TDs and had only one sack (plus a pick) in a career-best day against a defense that is supposed to be able to apply constant pressure to opposing passers. The Commanders have only scored 25 or more points three times this season: Against the Broncos, against the Eagles, and … against the Eagles again. And yet, the southern Maryland team is 0-2 in those games. Go figure.

RIP Minnesota QB Kirk Cousins, who was the fourth-rated fantasy passer on the year (ahead of Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson and Justin Herbert) before going down with an Achilles tear at the end of Sunday’s win over Green Bay. The Vikings are currently 4-4, holding the final NFC playoff spot, but they have also lost their starting QB, Pro-Bowl WR and first-string MLB to lengthy injuries in the last few weeks. On the positive side, at least fans can stop watching football on Sundays now and instead go outside to enjoy the lovely fall weather in Minnesota.

“QBs you sorta remember” edition

3rd place: Cooper Rush, -0.18 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jaren Hall, -1.18 pts — on the wire
1st place: Malik Willis, -1.60 pts — on the wire

All these QBs were bad, but shout out to the New Jersey Giants for matching a 23-year-old low in passing yds in Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the Jets. Backup QB Tyrod Taylor, forced into the starter’s role because of an injury to Daniel Jones, went 4-for-7 for 8 yds before leaving with an injury of his own. Third-string QB Tommy DeVito went 2-for-7 for -1 yds after he replaced Taylor. Factoring in sacks, the Giants totaled -9 yds passing on the day, the worst since the Browns lost 48-0 to the Jaguars back in 2000.

To put it another way … you had more passing yards than the Giants did this weekend. And you had zero passing yards.

Unlike that 2000 Browns game, the Giants/Jets matchup somehow went into overtime, with the Jets needing two miracle field goals to tie and win the game 13-10. Jets QB Zach Wilson — who beat the Eagles! — had a pedestrian 17-for-36 passing day for 240 yds and a TD, but also four sacks where he lost 47 yds. The two teams combined for 23 points and 24 punts.

New Jersey football, catch the fever!


** In their weekly recap column, NFL.com listed that Jets/Giants matchup as a “game to revisit” on their streaming service. I’m not sure even the coaching staffs will be rewatching that one.

** College Coach Dabo Sweeney, whose Clemson team is a mediocre 4-4 this year, lashed out at fans during a radio show appearance on Monday for not standing by the team and for media members for criticizing the squad’s performance. On Tuesday, in a press conference when he was asked about those comments, he had this response:

"I'm not going to let one season, when I know exactly what the issues are, and a bunch of great kids and great coaches, I'm not going to let one season dampen that. I'm going to fight for this program, and hopefully we can get back to some appreciation around here … I'm not going to let anything steal my joy of what I do. It doesn't mean I'm happy, but I've got a lot of joy in what I do.”

I dunno, coach. Doesn’t sound all that joyful to me.

** From the New York Post: “James Harden reportedly is ‘ecstatic’ to join the Clippers after being traded by the 76ers.”

Just a quick reminder that Harden was also thrilled 19 months ago when he got traded from the Nets to the 76ers, and one year before that when he got traded from the Rockets to the Nets. But best of luck to Los Angeles’ lesser basketball club with their new PG. I’m sure it’ll all work out well, given the Clippers long history of stability and success.

The NFL returns to Germany this weekend with the first of two scheduled games in Frankfurt. To get you ready for the excitement of watching German football (not futball), here are some common German sports phrases to use while yelling at the TV:

** Bananenflanke: Literally “a pass shaped like a banana.” Used to describe a beautifully curved kick or pass, as opposed to a throw from Giants QB Daniel Jones, which flops around like throwing an actual banana.

** Turniermannschaft: A team that’s mediocre during the regular season but dominates in the playoffs. You could have used it to describe the Phillies, at least until last week.

** Sechspunktespiel: A six-point soccer game. But, honestly, they should make American announcers use this word every time a touchdown is scored.

** Gedächtnisgrätsche: Hard physical play, like in the good old days. You’d use it to talk about Brian Dawkins highlights or how football was played before every other play was a weak pass interference call.

** Fahrstuhlmannschaft: Translates into “elevator club,” and used to describe a team that’s really bad, then really good. The Bengals qualify as this year’s most prominent NFL Fahrstuhlmannschaft.

** Betrügers: Male cheaters. This one will be good to remember for week 10, when the Patriots take on the Colts in Frankfurt.

Next week is the big one for the birds — The Eagles face the Cowboys with first place in the NFC East on the line. Amazingly, it’s only the second time that star QBs Jalen Hurts and Dak Prescott will appear on the field in the same game, despite the two rivals face off twice every year. Hurts is 0-1 against Prescott in his still young career, but has the chance to establish dominance against the godless Cowboys with a win on Sunday. But will it happen? Well, just look at what the matchup spells out:

Hurts against Prescott for first place
** A critic’s truth fest: Pagan roster flops

If Dallas wants to return to glory, maybe they should get right with God first.

** Dad and I split our four different picks this week, leaving me up five for the year in our head-to-head contest. I deserve extra credit for picking the Bengals over the 49ers, since I could sniff out San Francisco’s demise from all the way across the country.

** FYI, the 49ers are 5-3 and in SECOND PLACE in the NFC West behind the 5-2 Seahawks. Maybe San Francisco fans shouldn’t have booked their Super Bowl tickets in September.

** Jalen Hurts has 30 wins in an Eagles uniform in his four-year career. If he can lead the team to five more this season, he’ll tie the total wins of his predecessor, Carson Wentz, in one less season of work. Right now, Hurts has 20 fewer losses than Wentz (12 versus 32).

 
Week 8 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1019.48 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1001.51 pts
3 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 990.96 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 957.58 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 950.33 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 913.61 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 895.40 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 885.89 pts
9 — The Bullpenners (Paul), 838.20 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 770.64 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 760.76 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 720.57 pts

Everybody hits, woohoo! With no byes on the schedule for week 8, everyone fielded their best lineups and scored at least 100 pts (except for Bob, who posted an utterly shameful 95.75 pts).

Sam, Mom, Mike and Dad all topped 130 pts, and Jonathan’s once commanding lead in the standings is now down to a mere 18 pts. We have seven teams within 135 pts of first place, and still more than half a season to go.

Now for the bad news — byes are back this week, as is the Thursday game and early Sunday game. Set your rosters early, especially if your quarterback was one of the many who went down with significant injuries this week.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 7 recap

In honor of week 7 of the football season, here are famous sevens in Philadelphia sports history:

** Eagles QB Ron Jaworski — The Polish Rifle played 10 years for the birds, leading them to their first ever Super Bowl appearance. Originally drafted by the rams, he switched from #16 to #7 when he was traded to the Eagles.

** 7-0 — the final score of two of the last three Phillies no-hitters. They won 7-0 over the Natinals on Aug. 9 of this year, and beat the Braves by the same score on Sept. 1, 2014.

** Flyers 1973-1974 season — The franchise won its first Stanley Cup title in its seventh full season in the NHL. Seven members of that team ended up in the league’s Hall of Fame, including Coach Fred Shero.

** 7 feet — the height of 76ers C Joel Embiid, who won the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award last season.

** Oct. 24, 2023 — After 140 years in Major League Baseball, the Phillies franchise play their first playoff game 7 ever. 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 41.86 pts — started by Bob
WR: Jordan Addison, 24.20 pts — started by Sam
RB: D'Onta Foreman, 30.47 pts — started by Dad
TE: Travis Kelce, 23.93 pts — started by Mike
K: Dustin Hopkins, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 18.00 pts — on the wire
D: Myles Garrett, 16.00 pts — started by Mike

We started three of the top four defensive players this week: Garrett, Foyesade Oluokun (Dad) and Jerome Baker (Sam). That has to be a record. We often don’t even get one in the top five.

Just missing the top WR spot this week was AJ Brown (20.13 pts), who now has five straight games with at least 125 yards receiving. And he’s still 93 yards behind Dolphins WR Tyreek Hill, who had 11 catches against the Eagles on Sunday night. Hill is on pace to break 2,000 yards receiving in 16 games this season, which would break Calvin Johnson’s 1,964 mark set in 2012. But, hey, keep telling me that Justin Jefferson is actually the best wideout in the NFL today.

According to Yahoo’s record book, I have now totaled 18 points from my defenses through seven weeks this season … or the same amount that the Bears scored this week alone. When I end up losing the league title by 30 points, it’s all going to be because of my terrible team defense scoring. For comparison, Sam is the top scorer in defensive points so far this year, with 96.

  “Deshaun Watson” edition

3rd place: Blake Bell, -1.03 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sterling Shepard, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Deshaun Watson, -1.80 pts — started by Jeff

It’s unusual for a starting QB to end up in negative territory, but Watson is an unusual guy. After missing the past two games due to injury, he appeared in Sunday’s contest against the Colts, completed one pass for five yards before throwing an interception, then was benched for unspecified reasons for the remainder of the game. The Browns, who gave Watson a $230 million contract in 2022, are now 5-4 in games where Watson completes at least two passes. That feels like money well spent.

FYI, Kansas City had the best TE on the week (Kelce) and the worst (Bell). There’s impressive range on that team.

 

** Shout out to G, who was on this one right away: As the Eagles game held a 31-17 lead late Sunday night, NBC announcer Mike Tirico noted that the Dolphins have faced a pretty difficult schedule to open the season. Color commentator Cris Collinsworth chimed in with this verbal word salad in response:

“So regardless, this is going to be a win for the Dolphins, from the standpoint that they needed this. Remember their defense coming up is going to have Xavier Howard and Jalen Ramsey coming back, which is going to allow their safeties to come down, and make some big plays. So that’s good.”

To be clear, Collinsworth is calling a 14-point loss a win for Miami because sometime in the future their defense might get better and they needed a prime-time flameout to help speed up recovery from injuries. Not a lick of that makes sense.

Just to be safe, I checked the box score on Monday morning, and in fact the Dolphins did not get a win for their Sunday night performance.

** Two weeks ago, when the 49ers thumped the Cowboys to go 5-0, Sporting News circled San Fran’s week 9 game against the Jaguars as the first real test to see whether the team could go undefeated this season.

Fast forward to two weeks later, where the 49ers are now 5-2 and still three weeks away from that matchup. Maybe next time cool the undefeated predictions until someone gets to the halfway point in the season.
 

A dominant Eagles defensive performance on Sunday night is the perfect time to look at one of the NFL’s most confounding questions: Why do the Eagles always give up a first down on third and 12? The team had six plays in the Miami game where their opponent faced third down with nine or more yards to go, and surrendered first downs on three of them. Why are obvious long passing downs so confounding for this team?

In 98 third-down plays this year, the Eagles have only given up 12 first downs on third and 8 or more yards. Still, that’s 25 percent of the time (12 of 47), which seems like a lot for long conversion plays. They’re over 50% for conversions seven-or-less to go (26 of 51), but a huge portion of that are third and one plays (9 of 13 successfully converted by opponents).

For the season, the Eagles are allowing opponents to convert 41% of third down plays, just a hair above the league average of 39.5% this year and 40% over the last six seasons. Take away just the three third-and-long conversions by Miami, and that drops down to about 36%, good enough to be among the elite defenses.

So what do we draw from all of this? Simple: The Philadelphia defense does not make any sense. The birds allowed only 10 offensive points against Miami, the top scoring team in all of football (34.3 points per game). They also allowed 31 against the Commanders, the 20th best offense in football (20.0 points per game). The Eagles are sixth in yards allowed per game (290.3). They’re also in the bottom half of teams in passing yards allowed (227.4 per game).

Maybe just trade for a safety or something to stop with the deep pass plays on third and long. Oh, they did that? OK then. Carry on.

Three years ago, the 49ers thought so highly of Trey Lance that they traded a boatload of picks to draft him #2 overall. After some flashes of brilliance over his first few years in the league, San Francisco traded him to the Cowboys for peanuts this past offseason. Lance now serves as the third-string QB for Dallas, an outcome that few could have predicted a short time ago. And yet, when you look at what his name spells out, you realize that his current status was all but inevitable:

New Dallas Cowboys backup Trey Lance
** Con played swell, but now a creaky scab

FYI, if you anagram “QB Trey Lance” you get “recently a QB” which accurately implies that he isn’t really one anymore.

** Dad and I split our picks for the week, so I remain up five on him in the yearly standings. He gets a gold star for predicting the lifeless Giants would beat the lifeless Commies, but sadly we are not counting stars in our win/loss columns.

** The Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens smoked the Hampton Pirates 47-3 on Saturday and now sit at #6 in the FCS rankings, just behind Montana and University of the Incarnate Word which is an actual school and not one I just made up.

** Apparently I don't know the rules for World Series home field advantage because they change all the time but remain dumb. 


Week 7 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 891.49 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 871.61 pts
3 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 845.57 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 842.86 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 803.79 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 792.21 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 790.14 pts
8 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 758.04 pts
9 — Bryce’s Birthday Boys (Paul), 724.97 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 659.36 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 656.23 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 602.73 pts

Huge weeks for me and Mike pushed our totals back into respectable range, but we’re still fighting our way out of the middle of the pack. But Dad’s 150.47-pts finish coupled with bad weeks from Jo, Jonathan and Mom D have reshaped the standings. The boy wonder’s once commanding lead is down to under 20 pts now, with 10 weeks of contests still to go.

Jo and Mom D are within striking distance too, despite Mom’s truly mind-bogglingly bad week, where she had three uninjured starters score a combined 1.13 pts. And yet she still beat Jeff, who had Watson, a K who scored zero, and three inactive players in his starting roster.

And Paul, who changed his team name again, had his best week of the year, topping 130 pts. We just keep seeing more and more evidence that changing your team name boosts scoring, and yet Paul is the only coach smart enough to embrace the strategy.

Thursday night’s matchup is Bucs vs. Bills, two teams that the pundits keep telling me are good despite the fact that they keep losing. Get your rosters ready early, because I know you have someone suiting up in that game.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 6 recap

The Eagles registered a host of historic milestones in Sunday’s game against the Jets — here’s a breakdown:

— C Jason Kelce started his 145th consecutive game for the team, a new record for any Philadelphia player.

 
— WR AJ Brown topped 125 receiving yards for the fourth consecutive game, the first time any Eagles player has ever done that.

 
— OT Jordan Mailata recorded his first tackle of the season, cleaning up after QB Jalen Hurts’ first interception of the game.

 
— Hurts set a new Philadelphia-region record for the most injuries caused in a single play with his back-breaking interception in the fourth quarter.

 

— Nick Sirianni became the first Eagles coach ever to lose to the New Jersey Jets, a feat that luminaries like Chip Kelly, Rich Kotite and Burt Bell never accomplished.

Well done all around, folks.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 28.48 pts — started by Sam
WR: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 20.27 pts — started by Mike
RB: Raheem Mostert, 32.13 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 12.77 pts — started by Mike
K: Justin Tucker, 19.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: Minnesota, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jordan Hicks, 13.00 pts — started by Bob

We just missed sweeping the top performers this week, but I’ll give us a pass because predicting Minnesota to be a dominant force was not realistic. In the first five weeks, the team defense totaled 26.00 pts. They almost doubled it this week, thanks to the Bears’ general incompetence.

Tagovailoa is the second-best fantasy scorer on the year so far (9.00 pts behind Bills QB Josh Allen) and is owned in 98 percent of Yahoo fantasy leagues. I want to know what those 2 percent of leagues are that don’t need to roster the #2 overall fantasy scorer. Mostert, his backfield mate, is the #2 fantasy RB (behind 49ers RB Christian McCaffery) and is owned in 97 percent of leagues, so maybe there’s just some “no Dolphins” contests out there I didn’t know about.

“Simple names” edition

3rd place: Kyle Philips, -0.88 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Austin Trammell, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike White, -2.40 pts — on the wire

White, the backup Miami QB, attempted one pass on Sunday. It went for a 61-yard TD … for the Panthers. That’s a zero QB rating for the Dolphins and a perfect 158.3 rating if you assume White was actually playing for Carolina.

Eagles RB Boston Scott is averaging 1.15 fantasy pts a game this year, in case you were wondering.


** Former Jets and Eagles QB Mark Sanchez was the color commentator on that dreadful matchup Sunday, and he helped make the whole thing just a little worse with his idiotic banter. Among the worst lines:

— “They say close only counts in horseshoes, but it also counts with field goals!” No, no it doesn’t. The reason the field goal in question counted was not because it was close, but because it was actually in.

— “Breece Hall turned nothing into something on that run, ending up losing two yards.” No, that means he turned nothing into less than nothing.

— “Jalen Hurts, what is he? Like a salmon covered in vaseline! This guy's just too slippery!” Frankly, I don’t want to know why Sanchez is familiar with handling salmon covered in vaseline.

** Here were the top three stories on ESPN on Sunday night:

— Raiders' Garoppolo (back) exits win over Patriots
— Browns (+9.5) pull off their largest upset since '10
— 49ers lose Samuel, McCaffrey in loss to Browns

And here were the top stories on their NFL landing page:

— Bears' Fields (hand) leaves loss; X-rays negative
— Jets' Rodgers, sans crutches, throws in warmups
— Jags' Lawrence to have testing on knee after win
— Young, Panthers 'in a tough place' after sixth loss

So to recap, two of the top three stories were the undefeated 49ers finally losing a game. Four of the top seven were about QBs getting injured. One was about a player who has not been on the field a full series at all this year. And zero of them were about the undefeated Eagles, the defending NFC champs, dropping their first game.

I mean, I appreciate ESPN helping me ignore the ugly loss, but maybe one of the best two teams in the NFL making news should get a mention on your site.

The Eagles started their season 5-1, while the Phillies started MLB playoffs with an identical 5-1 record. Yet it feels like the boys at Citizens Bank Park have a better handle on their team right now than the gridiron warriors across the street. As the Eagles enter the toughest stretch of their schedule, here are a few tips they could take from the reigning NLCS champs next door:

— Run more: The Phillies have nine stolen bases so far this postseason, the most of any team. Meanwhile the Eagles have steadily turned away from their RBs in recent games, handing off the ball only once in every five plays on Sunday.

— Hit harder: The Phillies have 16 HRs so far in the playoffs, the most of any team. The Eagles defense forced no interceptions or fumbles on Sunday, the third game in a row without any turnovers.

— Throw better: P Zack Wheeler and P Aaron Nola have combined to strike out 38 of the 61 batters (62.2%) they have faced in their first five postseason starts. That’s exactly the same as QB Jalen Hurts’ completion percentage on the year so far, but Hurts finished Sunday’s game going 1-for-5 with an interception.

— Get healthier: The Phillies have avoided major injuries over the past month. The Eagles has eight defensive players lost to injury before or during Sunday’s game, and also saw OT Lane Johnson forced out with an ankle sprain.

— Beat Miami: The Phillies swept the Marlins out of the postseason earlier this month. The Eagles get a chance to upset the Dolphins next Sunday.

The Cowboys tapped San Jose State star Viliami Fehoko in the fourth round of the draft last spring to help with their defensive line depth. And so far … he has provided nothing. No games played. No stats. No value. Of course, that should have been obvious to the Dallas scouts if they had simply looked at what the rookie’s name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys new DE Viliami Fehoko Jr.
** Wow. Moron kid. He fails job, leaves acidly.

Maybe they should focus more on drafting individuals with strong football skills instead of morons. It’s a thought.

** Bad, bad week for Dad, who went 0-4 in our head-to-head picks and now trails in the yearly tally by five games. I was pulling for his Chargers pick over the Cowboys on Monday night, but I knew it was too good to be true.

** Joanna pointed out that the Bills backup QB is Kyle Allen and that when starter Josh Allen temporarily went out with an injury Allen replaced Allen and there should be rules against that.

** The Arizona Diamondbacks have two mascots: A bobcat (stems from the team formerly playing at Bank One Ballpark, known as The BOB) and a rat (stems from the team motto of “rattle on”). What they don’t have is a mascot related to snakes. Perhaps they don’t actually know what their team name is?

Week 6 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 797.50 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 747.83 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 738.26 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 733.05 pts
5 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 721.14 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 671.95 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 637.17 pts
8 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 606.68 pts
9 — Let’s Go Phillies! (Paul), 594.60 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 583.13 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 572.53 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 550.03 pts

Pretty low scoring all around this week, with only two teams above the 120 pts mark. But Joanna took advantage of the early season lull, jumping up from fourth to second and significantly closing the gap between her and her child, who remains in first place.

Dad and Ant both took a beating in the standings this week, failing to top 86 pts despite starting a full slate of players. Jeff had two inactive players on his slate and still managed to get 91.5 pts. Paul remains surprisingly respectable.

No overseas football games this week to worry about, but six teams have bye weeks, which means the fantasy waiver wire looks worse than the Eagles third-and-long defense. Get your rosters set early and often.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 5 recap

It was a rough weekend for the NFC East, with all four teams struggling mightily on the gridiron. But who had the worst weekend in football’s most vaunted division? Consider the disasters:

** The Maryland Commanders — After an encouraging 2-0 start to the season, the commies have lost three in a row, including falling 40-20 to the previously winless Bears on Thursday night. The Bears hadn’t won a game in almost a year, but after the second quarter never led by less than 10 points on the road in a week with short rest. The commies have allowed 30-plus points in four of their five contests, and are second worst in the NFL in points allowed.

** The New Jersey Giants — As bad as the commies are, the G-men are a game behind them in the standings. They’re 1-4 after a 31-16 loss to the Dolphins, and their schedule doesn’t get much better. They play at Buffalo next week, then have three division games in the next five. QB Daniel Jones, who signed a $160 million extension in March, has thrown as many TDs to opponents as to his own team (two) and left Sunday’s game with a neck injury.

** The Arlington Cowboys — The most evil team in all of sports sits two games out of first place after just five games following a 42-10 drubbing at the hands of the 49ers. QB Dak Prescott is 6-5 in his last 11 games (including the playoffs) and has thrown 12 interceptions over that stretch. The team is now 0-2 against the NFC West on the season, with two more contests still to go.

** The Philadelphia Eagles — The birds, the only NFC East team to actually play in the same city as their official NFL name, are in complete free fall. They’re averaging only 28.2 pts per game through the first five (compared to their unstoppable start last year, when they averaged 27 pts a game for their first five). They’re a mere second in total offense in the NFL and have now trailed for roughly 24 minutes of gameplay this season (7.5% of their time on the field). It’s astonishing that team leadership continues to rest on their undefeated record as the rationale for not overhauling the entire squad.

QB: Justin Fields, 40.98 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Ja’Marr Chase, 38.20 pts — started by Sam
RB: Travis Etienne, 33.44 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: George Kittle, 23.97 pts — started by Paul
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Orleans, 29.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: Jason Pinnock, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Shout out to Bears WR DJ Moore, who had eight catches for 230 yards and three TDs on Thursday night … and was only the second best receiver on the week. Chase had 15 catches for 192 and three TDs, accounting for 60% of his team’s receiving yards and all of their receiving TDs on the day.

Kittle gets the efficiency award, though. He had three catches on Sunday night for 67 yards, but all of those ended up as TDs. He had fewer than 17 points combined in his first four games, and more than doubled his points on the year on just three plays.

Fourteen QBs topped 20 fantasy points this week, which means if you managed to start one who didn’t — say, I dunno, Ravens QB Lamar Jackson, with 9.94 pts — you really missed out.

“Silly names” edition

3rd place: Xavier Gipson, -1.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Gunner Olszewski, -1.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mac Jones, -1.60 pts — on the wire

It’s hard to pick the best part of the Patriots’ 34-0 loss to the Saints in New England on Sunday. Was it fun because it’s the worst home loss of Bill Belichick’s coaching career? Is it fun because it was the second week in a row that the Patriots lost by 30-plus points? Or was it Mac Jones, who New England fans were crowing about as the steal of the 2021 draft? On Sunday, he completed 12 of 22 passes for 110 yards, no TDs and two interceptions, one returned for six points. He was benched midway through the game for the second straight week.

His passer rating was 30.5 for the Patriots, which was worse than the 39.6 rating you posted on your couch at home (1 pass attempt, zero completions or yards or INTs.) But even worse, if you assume Jones was actually playing for the Saints, then his passer rating was 54.7 (2 for 22, 27 yards, 1 TD and 12 interceptions) — almost twice what it was for New England. It’s always tough to win when there is a double agent on your team.


** Headline on Fox’s Big Noon Kickoff on Saturday: “Early Concerns for Ohio State?”

Displayed next to the headline: The Buckeyes’ logo, accompanied by their 4-0 record and their #4 ranking in the polls.

Things got so concerning for the team later in the day that they moved up 5-0 and #3 in the rankings. They better watch out, there isn’t a lot of room left to move up.

** I know I complain about this every year, but in my ESPN fantasy football league, they’ll give your team’s win probability in the weekly matchups. After Sunday’s games ended, I had 167.22 pts to my opponent’s 81.76. His team was finished, I had WR Davante Adams still to play on Monday night. ESPN said I had a 99% chance of winning.

Let’s just break down what that 1% chance of losing was:

The Raiders come out on Monday night, and on the first play of the game, Adams rushes the ball for -1 yds and fumbles. Then he does it 39 more times over the course of the next four quarters, which would translate into a turnover every 90 seconds.

If that had happened … I’d still have won by two points. Adams would have needed to fumble/lose yards 41 times for my team to subtract enough points for a loss.

So here is my question — Since that has never happened before in the 16,000-plus NFL games in history, is that really a 1% chance? If it had happened on Monday night (which, FYI, it did not) that would have meant it occurred in 0.00625% of NFL contests, which is much closer to zero than 1.

But math has never been ESPN’s strong suit. That’s why they’re been losing viewers for years.

** I’m still waiting for the national condemnation of Braves fans throwing stuff on the field after they didn’t like a call in Saturday’s game. I’m sure we’ll get it soon.

The NFL’s next-gen stats (which are utter nonsense most of the time) keeps track of the fastest plays in the league each year. Currently, the top five are all held by Dolphins players, with WR Tyreek Hill, RB Devone Achane and RB Raheem Mostert all surpassing 21 mph on runs this year.

That’s impressive, but it begs the question: Are NFL players living up to the standards set by their mascots? Unfortunately, the data set released by the NFL is limited, but here’s an overview of which squads have a player who could outpace their team symbols and which would be left in the dust (human mascots have been excluded, because they are all slow):

Could win a race:
Miami — WR Tyreek Hill, 22 mph (A dolphin’s top speed, 16 mph)
Los Angeles — CB Cobie Durant, 21.5 mph (A ram, 20 mph)

Could not win a race:
Baltimore — WR Devin Duvernay, 21.6 mph (A raven, 25 mph)
Denver — WR Marvin Mims, 21.4 mph (A bronco, 30 mph)
Cincinnati — WR Ja’Marr Chase, 21.5 mph (A tiger, 35 mph)
Chicago — WR DJ Moore, 21.4 mph (A bear, 35 mph)
Jacksonville — RB Travis Etienne, 21.6 mph (A jaguar, 50 mph)
Philadelphia — WR Quez Watkins, 21.6 mph (An eagle, 75 mph)
Seattle — RB Kenneth Walker, 22 mph (A seahawk, 145 mph)

Incomplete data, but probably not:
Indianapolis — a colt’s top speed is 30 mph
Carolina — a panther’s top speed is 36 mph
Detroit — a lion’s top speed is 50 mph
Atlanta — a falcon’s top speed is 240 mph

Incomplete data, but probably:
Arizona — a cardinal’s top speed is 20 mph

Funny enough for its own category:
New Jersey — RB Breece Hall, 21.5 mph (A jet, 580 mph)

Tight End has been one of the solid spots for Dallas in recent years, so it was a surprise when the team used a second-round pick on the spot in last spring’s draft. But Michigan's Luke Schoonmaker was too good for the team to pass up. It’s not because of his football skills, of course. They’re just average. It’s because of his personal ethos and what his name clearly spells out:

Cowboys Rookie Tight End Luke Schoonmaker
** Mutable hooey. Crook thinks genocide works.

Unconscionable. But also, unsurprising that a member of the Cowboys supports genocide. 

By the way, this is the second time in the last three seasons that I've found the word "genocide" in the name of a Cowboys TE drafted out of Michigan.  

** I went two for three against Dad on Sunday, putting me up one in our weekly picks contest for the year. But it was a messy affair. After going 42-21 through the first four weeks, I went 7-7 this weekend thanks in large part to big upsets by the Bears, Jaguars and Steelers. This league really makes no sense.

** Vikings WR Justin Jefferson could be out for several games with a hamstring injury. If they need a replacement, New England has WR Jalen Reagor on their practice squad.

** Delaware’s Fightin Blue Hens are up to #8 in the FCS coaches poll. Villanova is not in the top 25, but instead in the “others receiving votes” category. Just saying.

Week 5 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 692.94 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 635.95 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 620.44 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 606.20 pts
5 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 593.63 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 565.11 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 518.02 pts
8 — Let’s Go Phillies! (Paul), 508.10 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 503.96 pts
10 — Jabronis (Ant), 493.99 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 493.96 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 458.46 pts

The podium stand remains unchanged from last week, save for Dad and Mom D picking up some ground on Jonathan. But let’s talk about the other end of the standings.

The Bears took almost one full calendar year between wins, and Paul took almost one full calendar year to crawl out of the league basement. The last time his squad was not in last place was week 9 of last season (Nov. 8, 2022). But he not only climbed out of the cellar, he shot all the way up to the second floor, placing 8th this week. It’s amazing what actually setting your roster will do.

Speaking of setting your roster, Bob’s rejuvenated team posted 162.20 pts this week, outpacing good performances by Mom D and Jo to propel himself back into the mix. Jeff and I set our rosters, but you wouldn’t know it from the sub-75-pts performances each of us got. There’s a dividing line forming in the standings right in the middle, and all the teams below it should start to feel concerned.

Week 6 features another Thursday game, another London game and two more bye weeks. It also has a Sunday night game between the Bills, who play in New York, and the Giants, who do not. So scrub those rosters carefully as you try to make sense of the NFL.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 4 recap

Given the concerning Russian undertones of “Red October,” here are some alternate tag lines for the start of the Phillies postseason run:

** Pheel the Phever
** In Trea we Trust
** Seeing Red
** Bryce to meet you
** Phight to the Phinish
** Schwarbring it on
** Phry the Phish
** Go Phils, but please leave Kimbrel on the bench
** Go Birds (good for any Philly team, really)

QB: Josh Allen, 44.50 pts — started by Dad
WR: Stefon Diggs, 29.00 pts — started by Ant
RB: Christian McCaffery, 42.83 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Cole Kmet, 21.27 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Jake Elliott, 18.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Seattle, 33.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
D: Khalil Mack, 20.50 pts — on the wire

Bob left 65 pts on his bench this week but still outscored five other teams, so who are you to judge? As a league, we actually owned the three best defenses on the week but started none of them (#2 was Dallas with 30 pts on Sam’s bench, #3 was Jacksonville on Dad’s bench with 21 pts). Meanwhile, I have scored 12 pts total through four weeks from my defenses, which is not good.

God bless Jake Elliott — Not only did he have the game-winning kick in Sunday’s overtime victory for the Eagles, he’s also the top fantasy kicker so far this year, with 13 made FGs (four from beyond 50 yards) and nine XPs. It was an odd move to invest significantly in a kicker when the Eagles signed him to a $19 million deal back in 2019, but every year it feels a little more like that may have been the best money they’ve ever spent.

Mack had eight tackles, six sacks and two forced fumbles on Sunday against the Raiders, the team that drafted and later traded him. And since you were wondering, that’s only good for a five-way tie for second place in the NFL single-game sack record.

Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas had seven in a game against the Seahawks in 1990. He also had six in a game against the Raiders in 1998, giving him two of the top six sack performances ever. It’s an incredible feat that helps distract from the memory of the six-sack game Giants DE Osi Umenyiora had against the Eagles on the day of G’s bachelor party, which of course was the first thing I thought of when I heard about Mack’s game.

“When the Saints come marching in” edition

3rd place: Kyle Allen, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Adam Prentice, -0.67 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jameis Winston, -2.00 pts — on the wire

I don’t know how you think your Sunday went, but it was better than Winston’s. The Saints backup — who has made about $55 million in his NFL career — threw one pass on Sunday that ended up being picked off. That is a perfect 0.00 QB rating, significantly lower than yours (1 pass, zero completions, no interceptions = 39.6 QB rating). And you probably didn’t cost your employer hundreds of thousands of dollars this week.

Prentice is also on New Orleans and also turned in a miserable performance, with one rush, one catch and one fumble. Allen is not on the Saints but seems like a nice guy, so that’s good enough for his inclusion in this bit.


** In case you missed it on Sunday, Disney+ had their weird “Toy Story Funday Football” where the live action of the Jaguars/Falcons game was nearly instantly translated into cartoon form so a younger audience could watch the game live. All glitches and jokes aside, it was a remarkable feat, with tech folks using sensors on every player to feed information into motion-capture cameras to show exactly where the ball was and how the players were moving. It may have been the most technologically advanced initiative by the league ever.

Also during the game, when the officials needed to figure out whether either team had gained enough yards for a first down, they used the best technology provided by the league: two sticks and a long chain.

Are we serious with this? We can have computer algorithms instantly track every inch of players’ bodies, but we’re still going to measure first downs based on where refs guessed a play ended and how straight those 50-year-old zebras can hold a long string? We can’t use that fancy field mapping technology to actually map the field when it matters, instead of just for animated giggles?

I get it, the advances in technology will never happen because the big chain manufacturing lobby secretly rules the NFL. But maybe someday, we could start measuring plays using technology at least from the 1700s instead of the Stone Age.

** Shout out to ESPN’s Jeremy Fowler, who surveyed league executives at the start of the year and announced Bengals QB Joe Burrow as the consensus pick to win the MVP this season. The Cincinnati QB finished fourth in the award voting last year and was predicted to have an even better season in 2023 thanks to an improved offense and another year of experience. For a few days in August, Burrow was the Vegas favorite to win the award.

Fast forward to October: The Bengals are 1-3. Burrow is 29th in the league in passing TDs, 26th in passing yards and the 31st ranked QB in fantasy. Saints QB Derek Carr has more points than him, and he played the last game with one shoulder.

Other than that, though, he’s looking like a lock to be the top player of the year.

** NFL pundits renewed their calls for outlawing the Eagles short-yardage play — formerly known as the Tush Push, now known as the Brotherly Shove — after the Patriots and Chargers and Giants successfully used the unstoppable formation in their games on Sunday.

Nah, just kidding. All of of those teams tried to use it on fourth down plays, and none succeeded. You know why? Because their players aren’t as good as the Eagles, so the play doesn’t work as well. Crazy concept, I know. Yet no ESPN talking heads complained when those other teams failed using the “questionable” play.

I guess it’s more fun to cry foul when a team finds an advantage than to find ways to stop it. That’s why I think the league should outlaw handing the ball off to McCafferty. If you think about it, that’s not a fair play, given that he’s running really well right now.    

On Sunday, Eagles WR A.J. Brown was penalized for taunting on a late 4th quarter TD catch when he placed the football at the feet of a Commanders CB after the play was over. Brown apologized for the move, which gave his opponents good field position on the ensuing drive and led to a game-tying TD.

Just a short while later, in the Vikings win over the Panthers, Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson pulled the same move on a TD catch but also yelled at the defeated CB and made a “too short” hand gesture to his opponent. Jefferson was not flagged (although the play was later reversed on an unrelated call), leading to widespread confusion over what taunting actually entails.

Luckily, the NFL has produced a series of examples of what kind of activity will draw a taunting flag and what is permissible. These examples should clarify any future confusion:

** Standing over a RB after he has been tackled for a loss: Taunting. Players must give opponents room to stand up after the play.

** Ripping off C Jason Kelce’s helmet and cursing at him: Not taunting. It happened two plays before the Brown penalty, and the refs ignored it.

** Stomping on the other team’s logo at midfield: Taunting. Especially if the play ended many yards away from there.

** Telling RB Boston Scott that he is too short and weak for football: Not taunting. That’s just a fact.

** Tackling the 49ers QB: Taunting. San Francisco fans are still demanding justice for such a horrible move nine months ago.

** Riding on a snow horse on Hoth: Not taunting. That’s a tauntaun.

** Executing the Brotherly Shove: Taunting. No need to rub it in that your short-yardage game is better than everyone else’s.

New Dallas RB Deuce Vaughn has gotten into a few games of late and received good reviews from team leaders, even though he’s projected to be little more than a backup body for his career. So why did the Cowboys reach to take him in the 6th round in last spring’s draft? If not his skills, it must be his character. And rearranging the letters in his name clearly shows what kind of person he is:

Cowboys rookie RB Deuce Vaughn
** Ha! Very bogus cuckoo wino breed

A crazy drunk person makes for an ideal Dallas backfield member.

** Oooof — Dad swept all three games in our picks this week, leaving us tied for the year. He went 13-3, which means he could have made some money if not for his philosophical opposition to gambling. Meanwhile, I lost in all three of my other leagues, including a 160.20-149.20 loss in the Garrity league where I outscored every other team except for Shelly. Rough go all around.

** Through four games, Giants QB Daniel Jones has thrown two TD passes to his team and two to his opponents (Dallas and Seattle both had INTs returned for touchdowns). The single-season record for pick sixes by a QB is seven, and right now Jones is on pace for eight …

** Don’t look now, but the Delaware Blue Hens are 3-1 and sitting at 9th in the top 25 FCS poll.

 

Week 4 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 575.26 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 506.78 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 463.82 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 461.23 pts
5 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 460.06 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 445.99 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 413.70 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 402.91 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 402.82 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 398.17 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 395.36 pts
12 — Looking for a Healthy RB (Paul), 388.15 pts

We had three different team name changes this week, and all came with success. In light of the new Philly-centric name for the tush push, my team became the Brotherly Shove Squad, and was instantly shoved way up in the standings behind the best scoring performance of the week. I’m within sight of Joanna now, which is already making her unhappy.

Paul’s change to Looking for a Healthy RB was more of a cry for help than proper name change, but that seemed to work too. He’s within striking distance of the single-digit spots, and scored 100-plus points in consecutive weeks.

Sam’s rebranding left him about where he was, but it’s hard to stay on the medal stand all year long. Standard Deviations fell slightly towards the middle of the pack, but luckily his average scoring is still fairly high. Even more luckily, higher level math is not a prerequisite for the Awesome Cup.

What’s the moral of the story? Obviously, changing your team name means better results. We have three plots on the chart to prove that now. It’s just science.

Jonathan continues to dominate, opening his first-place lead a little more this week, which he credits to the recent additions of Eagles LB Zach Cunningham and former Eagles TE Zach Ertz to his crew. Also the fact that Christian McCaffery has 106.30 points through four games.

Bye weeks start this week, but there is also still a Thursday game and a London game, so I assume nobody is playing Sunday afternoon. Best to get your squad in order early to ensure you don’t fall behind any further.