At halftime of Sunday’s opening game loss to the Eagles, the New England Patriots held a special ceremony to honor former QB Tom Brady and announce he will be inducted into the team’s Hall of Fame next summer. With the honor came a new Patriots jersey and various gifts to laud Brady for his distinguished career. But a few of those presents were left off the field, not for the public’s eyes. Luckily, we all know there are spy cameras in those locker rooms, so here’s a full accounting of his other handouts:
** A new New York Yankees cap: So he can keep rooting for his favorite baseball team.
** A plaster cast of Nick Foles hand: For display in his home, so he can shake it whenever he wants.
** A gold-plated air pump: Just in case, you know, his tires are a little deflated.
** A new Vegas Raiders jersey: For when he comes out of retirement again in three more weeks.
** A marked deck of cards: For cheating in other games too.
** An oversized picture of Bill Belichick: To hang over his bed, so he can remember his deal with the devil by looking into the devil's face every night.
WR: Tyreek Hill, 31.83 pts — started by Jo
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 23.83 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Hunter Henry, 12.23 pts — on the wire
K: (tie) Jake Elliott, 18.00 pts — started by Bob
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: Dallas, 42.00 pts — started by Sam
D: T.J. Watt, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
Stupid TEs. We almost started the season by hitting all the top performers.
Just as everyone predicted, Tua (the 12th QB taken in the fantasy draft) caught fire this week, scoring more points than Josh Allen (3rd drafted), Lamar Jackson (4th drafted), Joe Burrow (5th drafted), and Dak Prescott (10th drafted) COMBINED. This is why investing in a QB early in fantasy drafts is always a good idea.
It’s not often that a defense is the top scoring player on the week, but it’s also not often that a team scores two defensive TDs, collects three turnovers and seven sacks, blocks a kick and shuts out their opponent. Other than that, it was a solid starting effort by the Giants at home in week one.
“Early Rust” edition3rd place: Seattle, -1.00 pts — started by me
2nd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -2.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Chicago, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: New Jersey Giants, -3.00 pts — on the wire
Oh yeah, the Giants also gave up 28 pts without managing a turnover or a sack. Really, that 40-0 blowout was exactly what the NFL hoped for in its opening Sunday night game.
(Of course it wasn’t exactly the opening Sunday night game. The first Sunday night game was the Thursday opening game which was a special edition of Sunday Night Football because time and words are meaningless in football.)
Shout out to me for starting the third-worst defense on the week instead of the other one on my bench (Miami, 0.00 pts, the 4th worst defense of the week). I’m gonna need a personnel overhaul pretty soon.
** God bless the TV networks’ NFL “experts” — Right off the bat, before a single down was played, we had our first idiotic comment by an announcer.
On Thursday night, during the pregame warmup, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth laid out the challenge facing the Kansas City Chiefs in their opening game:
“No Travis Kelce. No Chris Jones. But they have Patrick Mahomes. And I think America is about to find out how good he really is.”
Right. QB Patrick Mahomes — who won the Super Bowl last year, has two league MVP awards and signed a 10-year, $503 million contract three years ago — is pretty much unknown by America right now, but I’m sure this will be his breakout season. I can’t wait for the public to discover him.
** Jets QB Aaron Rodgers had an awful start to his season on Monday night, going down with an injury just four plays into the game. The torn Achilles will cost him the entire season. At halftime, before the extent of the injury was known, anchor Scott Van Pelt said that for Jets fans, “this first game has already gone more poorly than it could have turned out in your worst nightmares.”
Look, I get what he meant by the statement. But, really, that’s a drastic underestimation of Jets fans. These fans had to watch the Butt Fumble. Their regular dreams involve their own QB running head first into a lineman’s posterior.
So their worst nightmares aren’t things like Rodgers blowing out his leg and missing the season. It’s ideas like having Rodgers break his ankle on the first play, then fall on RB Bryce Hall, re-injuring his leg, then having WR Garrett Wilson fall over both of them and hurt his back. Rodgers could have thrown a pick six and then eaten a baby. Would that even be in the top 10 worst Jets moments? Rodgers could have gone back in time and cloned Hitler to create the worst football team in history. Likely? No. But a likely idea to spring from a Jets’ fan’s head? Yes.
I’m just saying, this franchise has been through a lot. Still more Super Bowl wins than the Lions, though.
** ESPN headline Monday morning: “Should these three Super Bowl hopefuls be concerned after week 1 upsets?
The subhead to that story: “Three Super Bowl hopefuls were surprised in their season openers.”
The story: “The Chiefs and Bengals would consider anything short of a Super Bowl title to be a disappointing season. I'm not sure the Seahawks are quite there, but after a surprising 2022, they expected to compete for a division title.” All three lost on Sunday.
So … you’re saying that two Super Bowl hopefuls were upset then, and not three? Math is hard.
In further evidence that their franchise is the root of all evil, The Dallas Cowboys this week unveiled plans to let fans “talk” to an artificial-intelligence-powered hologram of owner Jerry Jones (for a $55 fee, or course) at a display in their stadium. It’s unsettling and horrific and I wish I could make jokes about it, but I’m just too unnerved by the whole thing.
But it is a good reminder that AI technology is going to find its way into many facets of our life, and we will all need to get more comfortable with it. Preferably before the Fox NFL robot takes over all broadcast decisions for the network.
It’s no secret that pulling this column together is time consuming. That’s why this year I’m using those dramatic advances in artificial intelligence to help me speed up the process. Despite my obsessive-compulsive football study, there are just some things I don’t have time to research. So this week, I asked Google’s Bard AI software to help me look into a question I’ve been pondering for years — Since he’s terrible at most things in life, like quarterbacking or making intelligent faces or just being non-punchable, would Eli Manning at least make a good paperweight?
After literally seconds of research, here is what the machine came up with:
Eli Manning would be a good paperweight because he is a heavy and sturdy object. He is also a well-known and respected figure, so he would be a conversation starter.
He is made of solid material, so he would be able to hold down a lot of papers.
He is a collectible item, so he would be valuable to some people.
He is a symbol of success to some, so he could be a motivational reminder.
Of course, some people might find him too large or bulky, while others might appreciate his unique qualities. Ultimately, it is a matter of personal preference.
Fascinating. I look forward to the computer brain educating us all on football on a regular basis this season.
The good news in the offseason is that no Dallas players were arrested for mass murder or treason, which makes this one of the most successful springs in Cowboys history. The bad news is that the franchise continued to add the black-hearted, soulless personnel that have poisoned so many young minds across America.
Take, for example, Cowboys first round draft pick Mazi Smith, a Michigan Wolverine (also known for their satanic predilections) who was arrested for speeding and illegal gun possession late last year. But that only made him more attractive to the Dallas franchise. And when they looked closer at the messages his name clearly spelled out, that sealed the deal. Consider:
Dallas rookie DT Mazi Smith
** I am a skittish, mad-dog zero
** I am a moist troll, hazed kids
** I am a sad loser, hot milk ditz
** I am a mild, lazied shot stork
** I kill mermaids at zoo. Ha! TDs!
You’ve never seen a mermaid at the zoo? Of course not. Because Mazi Smith killed them all. Such horrible evil from these Cowpokes.
** Dad won the picks contest this week by going 11-5 in the opening slate (I went 10-6, so it’s only a one-game lead). That’s even more impressive when you consider that exactly zero people in America picked the Rams to beat the Seahawks this week. After all, the Rams could be one of the three worst teams in the league this year and Seattle was a Super Bowl hopeful…
** PointsBet, which is an online gambling site, is giving 10-to-one odds that Hurts will win the MVP but 20,000-to-1 odds that Eagles backup Marcus Mariota will win MVP. So if you’re interested in trying to turn $100 into $2 million, send it to me and I’ll make the $100 disappear just as fast as placing that bet.
** Just to recap the final few minutes of the Monday Night Game from a fantasy perspective:
I’m up 114.44 to 108.58 with 30 seconds left in regulation. I have the Jets defense, Eileen has Tyler Bass (the Bills kicker). The Jets lead 16-13. I have a 99% chance of winning, according to Yahoo.
Bass kicks a 50-yard FG with 4 seconds left. The game is tied 16-16. Bass gets five points, the Jets defense loses three points. I am down 111.44 to 113.58 heading into overtime. I have a 99% chance of losing, according to Yahoo.
The Bills start overtime by going three-and-out, and then punt the ball. The Jets return it for a TD and end the game, 22-16. The Jets defense adds six fantasy points, I lead 117.44 to 113.58 and have a 100% chance of winning, according to Yahoo.
Not sure I can survive swings like that every week.
Week 1 standings
1 — The Best (Jonathan), 142.66 pts
2 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 137.21 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 117.56 pts
4 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 114.47 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 113.60 pts
6 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 109.86 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 104.82 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 93.67 pts
9 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 89.41 pts
10 — Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome), 75.63 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 75.32 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 66.46 pts
Jonathan starts off the year living up to my lofty expectations, even with starting a TE who scored zero pts. Unlike Sam, who got more than half of his points from two players (Tua and the Dallas defense combined for 75.14), Jonathan’s team was a balanced attack, with seven different squad members in double digits.
Solid work in the opener from our defending champ, Jeff and Joel as well. Joanna had a self-described awful week and still beat me by two touchdowns. And Paul managed to start two inactive players in week 1, which is difficult even if you are trying (which he is not).
But the fantasy football season is a marathon, not a sprint, so don’t panic about the standings after 1/18th of the year. Get those rosters set early and often this week. The Eagles are forced into an early Thursday game as punishment for losing the Super Bowl last year, and there are two Monday night games at almost the same time this week because the NFL does not ever want it to be easy for you to watch its product. That’s just business 101.
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