Bad news — You’ve already lost because your draft was bad. Well, most of you, at least.
Sure, we technically still have four months of NFL games to watch before we name a new Awesome Cup champ, but we all know this is how everything is going to play out.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
I’m not saying that Jeff is a bad person. I’m just saying that he drafted a lot of not good people, and that may be hinting at something about his character. His squad is led by QB Deshaun Watson (24 civil suits and counting), RB Joe Mixon (involved in a gun lawsuit this offseason) and WR Michael Gallup (plays for the Cowboys, which makes him evil). He’s also relying on offense from WR Cooper Kupp, who is dead (or has a hamstring injury, one of the two). None of this looks good for the standings this season.
Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
I get why Yahoo sees this team as a potential league winner. QB Jalen Hurts, RB Austin Ekeler, TE George Kittle, sleeper WR Christian Kirk — there are a lot of points to be had. But to get those points, you need to set your roster. And we all know that’s not going to happen for Paul after Oct. 1. I think Hurts alone is enough to keep him from finishing in last place this season, but not enough to overcome negligent coaching. Plus, without focused leadership, how is Paul going to negotiate a new deal for RB Jonathan Taylor and get him back on the field?
Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
On paper, this team isn’t terrible. But I already know the coach hates his players. Is Ant really gonna ride with Giants QB Daniel Jones and Cowboys RB Tony Pollard to try and win a championship? Does he really support three starters from Pittsburgh, the city on the wrong side of Pennsylvania? Can he live with himself for not drafting a single Philly player? The answers are no, no, and whatever these drafts are so random it doesn’t matter. WR Stefon Diggs is spectacular, though. He alone should keep Ant’s team out of the cellar.
Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Dad made the foolish move of taking a QB in the first round, which automatically gets him dropped down in the rankings. And he didn’t even take the right one — if you’re gonna reach, take Hurts! He’s got a solid RB corps (James Connor, James Cook, Saquon “James” Barkley) but nothing on the WR front, since he didn’t look at wideouts until round 6. But maybe he can swing a trade to get rid of the remains of WR Odell Beckham and turn his ship around.
Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Mike is too good of a coach to let his team drop down into the double-digit standings. But he does not have a ton to work with here. He snagged the top TE (Travis Kelce) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, who has a ridiculous name but huge fantasy potential. WRs Drake London and Marquise Brown could be quality pieces. But Mike also has just one real starting RB (Houston’s Dameon Pierce) and has to rely on Cowboys QB Dak Prescott to pull his team into contention. Ick. On the plus side, he didn’t end up with QB Russell Wilson this year, so he still has a chance.
Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
I dunno. Maybe it’s the fact that RB Derrick Henry is 100 years old. Maybe it’s jealousy that Sam picked up WR Chris Olave. Maybe I’m still angry from six years ago when WR Amari Cooper single-handedly ruined my fantasy year. Or maybe I’m angry about TE Kyle Pitts ruining my teams last year. For whatever reason, I just don’t like Sam’s team. But I like them more than Yahoo, so that makes them the bad guys.
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
If you’re looking for a wideout, Joel took him. Four of his first five picks were WRs (Justin Jefferson, Jaylen Waddle, DeVonta Smith and Tyler Lockett) and yet his RB room (Miles Sanders, Dalvin Cook and Alvin Kamara) still looks solid. QB Trevor Lawrence might be good, even though he’s a Jaguar. The only flaw in Joel’s team? It’s no Rogers, and maybe some sauce. Very confusing all around.
DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
As her name suggests, Mom D is trapped in hell. The reigning Awesome Cup champ could defend her title with the deep talent pool she has (QB Justin Fields, WR DK Metcalf as her 3rd WR, a possible #1 K in Harrison Butker and #1 DEF in New Orleans) but it will require her to use her whole bench … including the two Cowboys she drafted, WRs CeeDee Lamb and Michael Gallup. Is she willing to sell her soul for a title? Or will she jettison a SECOND ROUND PICK in Lamb and jeopardize her whole team? Anyways, if you want to trade for a Dallas wideout, there’s a candidate here.
Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Tough break for Joanna, who drafted a solid team but can’t win the title this season because Yahoo said she has the best squad. And they are never, ever right. Jo got her TE of choice (Dallas Goedert) and puts him with two solid WRs (Tyreek Hill and Christian Watson), two solid RBs (Josh Jacobs and Rhamondre Stevenson) and a top five QB in Joe Burrow. That’s impressive all around. Too bad the fantasy gods won’t let it amount to anything.
Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
This is the first time ever that Yahoo has kinda liked my team, so I’m terribly worried. Luckily, Eagles WR AJ Brown is calming those fears. I’ve got a host of young talent (RB Jahmyr Gibbs, WRs Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Zay Flowers) to pair with established stars like RB Nick Chubb and QB Lamar Jackson. The only flaw? Two Eagles RBs — Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell — which means I’ll be even more unhappy every week that stupid Boston Scott gets any touches.
No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Bob made the bold move of taking a QB in the first round, which automatically gets him moved up in the rankings. To go along with Patrick Mahomes, Bob has five potential starting RBs and a pair of solid wideouts in DJ Moore and Mike Williams. That could be a recipe for a league win, except Yahoo somehow also drafted four TEs for him. And not good ones either. Like TE Evan Engram and a bunch of other guys just walking down the street. So that keeps him from claiming the title of pre-season favorite because a better team was drafted by …
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
That’s a pretty cocky team name choice for the boy, but his team could back it up. RBs Christian McCaffrey and Travis Etienne are poised to be rushing/receiving nightmares for fantasy this season. WRs Davante Adams and Deebo Samuel are monsters too. QB Justin Herbert might end up with the gaudiest stats of any passers. His third-string skill positions — WR Michael Pittman and RB Alexander Mattison — could be first-line starters on some teams. Everything is set up for a big season. The only real question is whether the coach is up to the challenge.
There you have it, folks. The season end is already set, but why not get your rosters in order for opening weekend anyway? The first game takes place Thursday night, because the NFL hates letting you watch football when it’s convenient for you. And just a general reminder — they play football for the next 18 weeks, so you’re gonna want to set that roster every single one of them. Don’t be like the Cardinals and start tanking games in late September.
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
As her name suggests, Mom D is trapped in hell. The reigning Awesome Cup champ could defend her title with the deep talent pool she has (QB Justin Fields, WR DK Metcalf as her 3rd WR, a possible #1 K in Harrison Butker and #1 DEF in New Orleans) but it will require her to use her whole bench … including the two Cowboys she drafted, WRs CeeDee Lamb and Michael Gallup. Is she willing to sell her soul for a title? Or will she jettison a SECOND ROUND PICK in Lamb and jeopardize her whole team? Anyways, if you want to trade for a Dallas wideout, there’s a candidate here.
Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Tough break for Joanna, who drafted a solid team but can’t win the title this season because Yahoo said she has the best squad. And they are never, ever right. Jo got her TE of choice (Dallas Goedert) and puts him with two solid WRs (Tyreek Hill and Christian Watson), two solid RBs (Josh Jacobs and Rhamondre Stevenson) and a top five QB in Joe Burrow. That’s impressive all around. Too bad the fantasy gods won’t let it amount to anything.
Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
This is the first time ever that Yahoo has kinda liked my team, so I’m terribly worried. Luckily, Eagles WR AJ Brown is calming those fears. I’ve got a host of young talent (RB Jahmyr Gibbs, WRs Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Zay Flowers) to pair with established stars like RB Nick Chubb and QB Lamar Jackson. The only flaw? Two Eagles RBs — Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell — which means I’ll be even more unhappy every week that stupid Boston Scott gets any touches.
No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Bob made the bold move of taking a QB in the first round, which automatically gets him moved up in the rankings. To go along with Patrick Mahomes, Bob has five potential starting RBs and a pair of solid wideouts in DJ Moore and Mike Williams. That could be a recipe for a league win, except Yahoo somehow also drafted four TEs for him. And not good ones either. Like TE Evan Engram and a bunch of other guys just walking down the street. So that keeps him from claiming the title of pre-season favorite because a better team was drafted by …
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
That’s a pretty cocky team name choice for the boy, but his team could back it up. RBs Christian McCaffrey and Travis Etienne are poised to be rushing/receiving nightmares for fantasy this season. WRs Davante Adams and Deebo Samuel are monsters too. QB Justin Herbert might end up with the gaudiest stats of any passers. His third-string skill positions — WR Michael Pittman and RB Alexander Mattison — could be first-line starters on some teams. Everything is set up for a big season. The only real question is whether the coach is up to the challenge.
There you have it, folks. The season end is already set, but why not get your rosters in order for opening weekend anyway? The first game takes place Thursday night, because the NFL hates letting you watch football when it’s convenient for you. And just a general reminder — they play football for the next 18 weeks, so you’re gonna want to set that roster every single one of them. Don’t be like the Cardinals and start tanking games in late September.
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