Fantasy football 2023 -- week 3 recap

Eagles QB Jalen Hurts faced some pointed questions after Monday night’s game about the team’s lethargic passing attack and lack of dominance on the offense so far. The concerns surrounding those issues only grow larger for fans if they step back and look at the enormity of the team’s struggles of late:

— Through three games, the Eagles have already trailed their opponents for 7 minutes and 55 seconds. And that’s game time, not real time. For the season, fans have had almost 20 minutes of watching the Eagles not be in the lead.

— The Eagles only rank 7th in point differential, outsourcing their opponents by a paltry 25. That’s the worst among the three remaining undefeated teams in the league.

— The anemic passing attack has only produced three TDs through the air and left the total team offense at merely 6th in the league, behind more successful teams like the Chargers (1-2) and the Vikings (0-3).

— In his last 24 starts (including the playoffs), Hurts has only won 22 games. That’s an 8 percent failure rate in my book.

— The Eagles through three weeks this season have failed to win a single playoff game.

It’s time to panic, folks. This offense just doesn’t look crisp, and it may come back to haunt them after another six or seven wins.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 36.36 pts — started by Sam
WR: Keenan Allen, 31.29 pts — started by Jeff
RB: De'Von Achane, 48.30 pts — on Bob’s bench
TE: Sam LaPorta, 15.60 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Matt Gay, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 35.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Kyle Hamilton, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Achane may have just produced one of the greatest and the most frustrating fantasy performances of all time.

First, the greatness: The Miami rookie RB rushed for 203 yds and two TDs, caught four passes for 30 yds and two more TDs, and posted a top-10 non QB fantasy performance in the Dolphins ridiculous 70-20 win on Sunday. Not bad for his second game in the NFL.

Now the frustration — it was his second game in the NFL. He came into Sunday as a backup (to Raheem Mostert, who had a mere 39.70-fantasy-pts performance). That means almost no one started him. Across ESPN’s 11 million fantasy teams this season, Achane was owned in only 15.6% of leagues and started in 0.6% of them. For comparison, Colts QB Anthony Richardson was started in 5.4% of leagues this week, and he played zero downs because he was ruled out with an injury days ago. Nine times more people started an injured QB than Achane.

My prediction: Achane will be starting in 90% of leagues next week, and it will take him five more weeks to match his point total from Sunday. And that’s because fantasy football is incredibly, incredibly frustrating.

“Backup QBs for a reason” edition

3rd place: Sam Darnold, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Kyle Allen, 0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Blaine Gabbert, -2.86 pts — on the wire

Gabbert came into the Chiefs game with his team up 41-0 in the third quarter and promptly threw two picks which led to 10 Chicago points. Sure, Kansas City still won, but it really says something when your team is +41 with you on the bench and -10 with you in the game.

Special shout out to the defenses of the Jaguars, Panthers, Bears, Cowboys, Commanders and Giants this week. All of them scored fewer fantasy points than the Broncos, who surrendered 70 points (the second most in an NFL game ever) but managed a flat 0 on the fantasy scoreboard thanks to a kickoff return for a TD. Fantasy scoring is dumb.


** This weekend could go down as one of the stupidest game planning collection of performances in memory.

On Saturday night, with Notre Dame leading Ohio State by four points with three seconds left in the game, the Buckeyes drew up a RB plunge play from the one-yard line as their last hope for a victory. They ran the play to the left and scored, aiming right at the Notre Dame defensive end … or, where the DE should have been, if he was on the field. But because of a coaching miscommunication, the Fighting Irish decided to fight the biggest play of the season with only 10 men.

After the game, Notre Dame coach Marcus Freeman said he realized the team was a player short but opted not to send another player on the field because the team was out of timeouts and “we couldn’t afford a penalty there.”

To be clear, an offside penalty there would have put the ball at the ½-yard line, costing the Irish 18 inches of defensive space but giving them a full complement of defenders to try and stop it. But keeping the penalty numbers down and losing the game was probably the right call, because beating a top-ten opponent is just gonna force a coach to make more hard mental decisions down the line. Things like, I dunno, learning how to count.

** Not to be outdone, the Vikings were trailing 28-24 to the Chargers in Minnesota on Sunday when they connected a pass down to the six-yard line with 35 seconds left. On the cusp of taking the lead, QB Kirk Cousins promptly wasted 23 seconds, then fired a wild pass in the direction of his tight end that was picked off by a Chargers linebacker to effectively end the game.

Afterwards, when asked why the coaches took so long to call that miserable play, Cousins admitted that he “just couldn't hear the coach with the noise” in the stadium, so he guessed and hoped for the best.

To be clear, Cousins, who has played for the Vikings for the last six years, could not hear the coach’s call because he was unprepared for the crowd noise AT HIS HOME STADIUM. That means the team was unprepared to hear their own fans cheering for them, so they lost. I don’t know if that’s an indictment on the fans or the coaches, but it does explain how Minnesota is 0-3 right now.

** But if you want to talk about all-time screw ups, let’s chat about Mike McDaniel. He grew up in Denver as a huge Broncos fan, and worked as a ball boy when he was a kid. After college he joined the franchise as a coaching intern. After working with five other franchises over the next 16 years, McDaniel was a hot head coaching candidate and tried to come back to his hometown team, but they showed no interest because his offensive skill set didn’t match what they were looking for.

So it should be noted that the Dolphins in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s win over the Broncos were faced with a decision whether to kick an easy field goal to hit 73 points and set the single-game NFL record for points, their coach — that Mike McDaniel — showed mercy on his former franchise and kept the score at a mere 70 points instead. With that kind of generosity, maybe the 0-3 Denver coaches could ask him for a few tips from Miami’s 3-0 start to help them learn how to football.

As part of the NFL’s ongoing quest to put football everywhere except for where it’s easy to watch, Disney+ will host “Toy Story Funday Football” next Sunday during the Jaguars/Falcons game. Characters from the iconic movie will “replicate every run, pass and score from the game almost as it happens” in some kind of bizarre crossover broadcast. Here’s what I’m looking forward to seeing:

— To simulate every facemask penalty, Rex the T-Rex will savagely bite the heads off of other players.

— Falcons QB Desmond Ridder will be replaced by Forky, an immoble plastic fork that can’t use its arms. The plays will look exactly the same animated and in real life.

— If a player gets hurt, Disney plans to have Buzz Lightyear’s leg pop off, then rush him to the medical tent where he can get doped up with painkillers and steroids.

— Jaguars RB Travis Etienne will be represented by a stuffed kitten. Falcons RB Bijan Robinson will be represented by an actual live falcon screaming across the room.

— No humans will be watching the toys play their game, just like no fans will be watching these two irrelevant franchises.

Beyond the Dolphins 70 points scored on Sunday, the biggest shocker of the week was the Arizona Cardinals improbable win over the Cowboys. Dallas had been hyped by idiot commentators as a Super Bowl hopeful for weeks, while the Cardinals are barely fielding a team of professional players. The matchup seemed like a horrible mismatch, but most pundits did not dig into the psyche of the Cowboys players. If they had, they would have noticed what the letters in new Dallas LG Asim Richards name clearly spell out:

Dallas Offensive Lineman Asim Richards
** Oh! I fear Cardinals fans’ ill minds. Save me!

Never underestimate the psychological damage that opposing fans can cause on rookies. If the young Cowboys players are afraid of Arizona fans, what will happen on their first trip to Philly?


** I went 4-2 against Dad in the weekly picks, putting me at plus-3 for the season so far. It’s less impressive when you realize that Dad will always, always pick the Jets, no matter how bad they are.

** The Vikings went 11-0 in one score games last season. This year, they are 0-3 in one-score games, because the football gods demand balance in everything.

** The Eagles 25-11 win over the Bucs was a scorigami, the first time that score has ever appeared in an NFL game. It’s the 1,078th unique final in league history, according to the Scorigami Twitter page, which is a thing that exists and probably is an indictment against us all.

Week 3 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 449.09 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 388.57 pts
3 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 375.73 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 348.85 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 342.56 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 321.39 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 316.89 pts
8 — Jabronis (Ant), 312.75 pts
9 — Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome), 300.42 pts
9 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 300.42 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 294.54 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 273.61 pts

Take a look at those standings again, because it is downright shocking to see that one score up there.

That’s right — Joel and I are tied EXACTLY at 300.42 pts. How is that even possible? With all the different scoring combos and idiosyncrasies of the game, we end up at the same hundredth of a decimal point? Unreal. I know you’re as overwhelmed as I am.

Oh and also Jonathan scored 189.93 pts this week and is way ahead of everyone. But, really, it’s that statistical quirk down in 9th place that should catch your eye.

A good week from Sam gets him back up in medal contention, while Joanna continues to complain about how bad her 4th place squad is performing. And after a solid outing, Paul jumps up to striking distance of … hold on, Paul set his whole roster? For real? Wow. It really is a wild season already.

Reminder that not only is there a Thursday night game (Lions at Packers) but also that Falcons and Jaguars game is in London and starts at 9:30 a.m. in good old American time, so get your messy rosters ready as soon as possible. And if you think any backups might score 50 fantasy points, try and get them in your starting lineups too.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 2 recap

** Vikings WR Justin Jefferson has 309 receiving yds through two games, putting him on pace for 2,626 this season, which would shatter the current single-season record of 1,964. Jefferson’s team is also on pace to finish 0-17, which would best the previous record of 0-16 currently held by the Lions and Bears.

** Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa has 715 passing yds through two games, putting him on pace for 6,077 this season, which would shatter the current single-season record of 5,477. If Tagovailoa plays all 17 games, he would also shatter his current record of consecutive games without an injury in a season (nine).

** Patriots coach Bill Belichick is currently third on the all-time regular season wins list with 298, 30 behind the record set by Miami coach Don Shula. Given his current pace of wins in the 2023 season (0-2), Belichick would pass Shula never.

** Jets QB Zach Wilson has thrown four interceptions in two games, putting him on pace for 34 this season. Incredibly, he’d still be eight behind the single-season record set by George Blanda with the Houston Oilers back in 1962.

** Texans QB C.J. Stroud has been sacked 11 times in two games, putting him on pace for 93 sacks this season. That would put him on pace to be dead by February.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.56 pts — on Paul’s bench
WR: Keenan Allen, 23.40 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Brian Robinson, 26.88 pts — on Bob’s bench
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 19.90 pts — started by Dad
K: Brandon Aubrey, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 26.00 pts — started by Ant
D: (tie) Tre Brown, 15.00 pts — on the wire
D: (tie) Alex Highsmith, 15.00 pts — on the wire  

Cousins is leading the league in passing TDs. Jefferson is leading the league in receiving yards. Hockenson was the top TE this week. The Vikings are last in the standings. Football is confusing.

Shout out to Tampa LB Shaquil Barrett, who had one sack, one interception, one defensive TD and three tackles/batted passes on Sunday. That was only good enough for a third-place performance this week, because Brown and Highsmith each one sack, one interception, one defensive TD, one fumble forced and six tackles/batted passes. Way to be one-man wrecking crews, guys.

“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Dalvin Cook, -0.47 pts — started by Joel
2nd place: Richie James, -1.56 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.62 pts — on the wire

Powell was one of the four Vikings to fumble in Thursday night’s game against the Eagles, which ultimately led to 10 extra Philly points in a game whose final score was only a six-point margin. Through two games, the Vikings — who were 13-4 last year — are on pace to turn the ball over 62 times and lose every game by a one-score margin. But at least those poor Minnesota fans have good weather to look forward to in the next few months.

Cook, the Vikings former RB, combined with his Jets backfield partner Breece Hall to total 16 rushing yds and 0.43 fantasy points in Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. On the positive side, no one on the New Jersey squad had their leg fall off this week, so that counts as progress.

** Speaking of the Jets, they currently have on their roster RB Breece Hall and CB Bryce Hall, RB Michael Carter and CB Michael Carter II, as well as LB Quincy Williams and DL Quinnen Williams. Apparently they spent so much on QB Aaron Rodgers in the offseason that they could not afford extra names for the rest of the team.

** ESPN every Sunday morning runs a series of stories related to what games to watch, what fantasy players to start and their predictions for which teams will perform the best. This week’s Playbook column — “Your guide for all of week 2’s action” — was featured on the web site’s front page with a picture of Eagles QB Jalen Hurts as a teaser.

The only problem? Hurts played Thursday night. He played well enough, but I don’t know that featuring him as a player to watch three days after his game ended is really the valuable insight that ESPN thinks it is.

You know who fans should keep an eye on? That Joe Montana guy. I think he’s gonna be someone we’ll be talking about later on.

** ESPN announcer Troy Aikman, breaking down the first quarter Steelers’ offense on Monday night: “They’ve run seven plays, have 19 yards, and have more turnovers than first downs. So that’s a problem.”

Ah, yes. Thank you for that insight. I knew something wasn’t right about Pittsburgh’s game plan but thanks to Aikman’s keen eye, all of America understood it better.

Feeling a little blue about your job performance this week? Think you could be doing better? Don’t sweat it. You’re doing great! In fact, you’re doing as good or better than a host of really famous football players and franchises. Don’t believe me? Just consider this:

** You had more rushing yards on Sunday (zero) than Raiders RB Josh Jacobs, who won the NFL rushing title last season. He managed just -2 yds on nine carries in Las Vegas’ loss to the Bills.

** Atlanta QB Desmond Ridder has the Falcons out to a surprising 2-0 start, but you’re a better receiver than he is. He has -6 receiving yds on the year so far, putting you well ahead at zero.

** It’s hard to win in the NFL. But did you know that over the last 330 days, you have as many wins (zero) as the Chicago Bears (zero)? Their last victory came in week 7 of last season. So you’re tied for almost a year with one of the most historic franchises in league history.

** You haven’t picked up many passing yards this season — zero, to be exact — but that leaves you tied in QB rating with three “professional” signal callers right now: Cowboys backup Cooper Rush (0 for 1 passing), Bengals backup Jake Browning (0 for 1 passing), and Jets starter Aaron Rodgers (0 for 1 passing). All of you have a rating of 39.6. And remember, it can go all the way down to 0.00!

** Browns QB DeShaun Watson is making $230 million and has his team out to an encouraging 1-1 start this season. But if you can find just one person in America who likes you, then you’re better than Watson, who is hated by every single decent human anywhere. Money can’t buy everything!

South Carolina WR Jalen Brooks had a rocky collegiate career, with multiple unexplained absences from team activities and inconsistent morale. So, naturally, the Cowboys saw him as a prime candidate for their group of vile misfits. And when you break down what the letters in his name say about him, you see why he’s a perfect fit:

Cowboys wideout Jalen Brooks
** Wow. A slob. Joke boy induces rot.

You’d think they already had enough rot down there at Cowboys Stadium, but apparently there is always room for more.

** I picked up two games on Dad this week to go from one down in the yearly standings to one up. And I’ll keep picking the Steelers to beat the Browns until I’m given some evidence that Cleveland will ever win another game in that series.

** Ravens WR Nelson Agholor had a 17-yard TD catch in the 4th quarter of Sunday’s win and I know I thought he was dead too. Huh.

** As pointed out on social media, here are the last three regular season NFL games that Joe Buck announced:

— Bills at Bengals, S Damar Hamlin has a heart attack on the field.
— Bills at Jets, QB Aaron Rodgers tears his achilles in the first quarter.
— Browns at Steelers, RB Nick Chubb suffers a season-ending knee injury.

I’m just saying, maybe Buck is hurting more than our ears.


Week 2 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 277.42 pts
2 — The Best (Jonathan), 259.16 pts
3 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 237.87 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 230.83 pts
5 — Jabronis (Ant), 227.97 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 225.83 pts
7 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 218.33 pts
8 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 213.96 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 212.89 pts
10 — Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome), 182.66 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 176.89 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 165.70 pts

A huge week from Dad (167.56 pts) has him leapfrog last week’s leader and assume the top spot in the standings. He did it without any player scoring more than 30 pts but seven players scoring at least 15. The boy is still lurking just behind him though, before we have a tier break in the early power rankings.

Jo and Ant recovered nicely from subpar first weeks. And really poor coaching work by me so far this year — I’ve started two defenses for a combined -3.00 pts, and I lost my first-round pick (RB Nick Chubb) to a season-ending injury on Monday night. If you all want to start trading me players going against the Eagles next week, I’m open to the experiment.

For bookkeeping sake, Paul has now started three inactive players in two weeks of games.

Thursday night’s matchup is the Giants at the 49ers, because New Jersey getting shut out once in the first two weeks wasn’t enough punishment, I guess. Get your rosters ready regardless.

Fantasy Football 2023 -- week 1 recap

At halftime of Sunday’s opening game loss to the Eagles, the New England Patriots held a special ceremony to honor former QB Tom Brady and announce he will be inducted into the team’s Hall of Fame next summer. With the honor came a new Patriots jersey and various gifts to laud Brady for his distinguished career. But a few of those presents were left off the field, not for the public’s eyes. Luckily, we all know there are spy cameras in those locker rooms, so here’s a full accounting of his other handouts:

** A new New York Yankees cap: So he can keep rooting for his favorite baseball team.

 
** A plaster cast of Nick Foles hand: For display in his home, so he can shake it whenever he wants.

 
** A gold-plated air pump: Just in case, you know, his tires are a little deflated.

 
** A new Vegas Raiders jersey: For when he comes out of retirement again in three more weeks.

 
** A marked deck of cards: For cheating in other games too.

 
** An oversized picture of Bill Belichick: To hang over his bed, so he can remember his deal with the devil by looking into the devil's face every night.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 33.14 pts — started by Sam
WR: Tyreek Hill, 31.83 pts — started by Jo
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 23.83 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Hunter Henry, 12.23 pts — on the wire
K: (tie) Jake Elliott, 18.00 pts — started by Bob
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: Dallas, 42.00 pts — started by Sam
D: T.J. Watt, 15.00 pts — started by Dad

Stupid TEs. We almost started the season by hitting all the top performers.

Just as everyone predicted, Tua (the 12th QB taken in the fantasy draft) caught fire this week, scoring more points than Josh Allen (3rd drafted), Lamar Jackson (4th drafted), Joe Burrow (5th drafted), and Dak Prescott (10th drafted) COMBINED. This is why investing in a QB early in fantasy drafts is always a good idea.

It’s not often that a defense is the top scoring player on the week, but it’s also not often that a team scores two defensive TDs, collects three turnovers and seven sacks, blocks a kick and shuts out their opponent. Other than that, it was a solid starting effort by the Giants at home in week one.

“Early Rust” edition

3rd place: Seattle, -1.00 pts — started by me
2nd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -2.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Chicago, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: New Jersey Giants, -3.00 pts — on the wire

Oh yeah, the Giants also gave up 28 pts without managing a turnover or a sack. Really, that 40-0 blowout was exactly what the NFL hoped for in its opening Sunday night game.

(Of course it wasn’t exactly the opening Sunday night game. The first Sunday night game was the Thursday opening game which was a special edition of Sunday Night Football because time and words are meaningless in football.)

 
Shout out to me for starting the third-worst defense on the week instead of the other one on my bench (Miami, 0.00 pts, the 4th worst defense of the week). I’m gonna need a personnel overhaul pretty soon.


** God bless the TV networks’ NFL “experts” — Right off the bat, before a single down was played, we had our first idiotic comment by an announcer.

On Thursday night, during the pregame warmup, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth laid out the challenge facing the Kansas City Chiefs in their opening game:

“No Travis Kelce. No Chris Jones. But they have Patrick Mahomes. And I think America is about to find out how good he really is.”

Right. QB Patrick Mahomes — who won the Super Bowl last year, has two league MVP awards and signed a 10-year, $503 million contract three years ago — is pretty much unknown by America right now, but I’m sure this will be his breakout season. I can’t wait for the public to discover him.

** Jets QB Aaron Rodgers had an awful start to his season on Monday night, going down with an injury just four plays into the game. The torn Achilles will cost him the entire season. At halftime, before the extent of the injury was known, anchor Scott Van Pelt said that for Jets fans, “this first game has already gone more poorly than it could have turned out in your worst nightmares.”

Look, I get what he meant by the statement. But, really, that’s a drastic underestimation of Jets fans. These fans had to watch the Butt Fumble. Their regular dreams involve their own QB running head first into a lineman’s posterior.

So their worst nightmares aren’t things like Rodgers blowing out his leg and missing the season. It’s ideas like having Rodgers break his ankle on the first play, then fall on RB Bryce Hall, re-injuring his leg, then having WR Garrett Wilson fall over both of them and hurt his back. Rodgers could have thrown a pick six and then eaten a baby. Would that even be in the top 10 worst Jets moments? Rodgers could have gone back in time and cloned Hitler to create the worst football team in history. Likely? No. But a likely idea to spring from a Jets’ fan’s head? Yes.

I’m just saying, this franchise has been through a lot. Still more Super Bowl wins than the Lions, though.

** ESPN headline Monday morning: “Should these three Super Bowl hopefuls be concerned after week 1 upsets?

The subhead to that story: “Three Super Bowl hopefuls were surprised in their season openers.”

The story: “The Chiefs and Bengals would consider anything short of a Super Bowl title to be a disappointing season. I'm not sure the Seahawks are quite there, but after a surprising 2022, they expected to compete for a division title.” All three lost on Sunday.

So … you’re saying that two Super Bowl hopefuls were upset then, and not three? Math is hard.

In further evidence that their franchise is the root of all evil, The Dallas Cowboys this week unveiled plans to let fans “talk” to an artificial-intelligence-powered hologram of owner Jerry Jones (for a $55 fee, or course) at a display in their stadium. It’s unsettling and horrific and I wish I could make jokes about it, but I’m just too unnerved by the whole thing.

But it is a good reminder that AI technology is going to find its way into many facets of our life, and we will all need to get more comfortable with it. Preferably before the Fox NFL robot takes over all broadcast decisions for the network.

It’s no secret that pulling this column together is time consuming. That’s why this year I’m using those dramatic advances in artificial intelligence to help me speed up the process. Despite my obsessive-compulsive football study, there are just some things I don’t have time to research. So this week, I asked Google’s Bard AI software to help me look into a question I’ve been pondering for years — Since he’s terrible at most things in life, like quarterbacking or making intelligent faces or just being non-punchable, would Eli Manning at least make a good paperweight?

After literally seconds of research, here is what the machine came up with:

Eli Manning would be a good paperweight because he is a heavy and sturdy object. He is also a well-known and respected figure, so he would be a conversation starter.

He is made of solid material, so he would be able to hold down a lot of papers.

He is a collectible item, so he would be valuable to some people.

He is a symbol of success to some, so he could be a motivational reminder.

Of course, some people might find him too large or bulky, while others might appreciate his unique qualities. Ultimately, it is a matter of personal preference.

Fascinating. I look forward to the computer brain educating us all on football on a regular basis this season.


The good news in the offseason is that no Dallas players were arrested for mass murder or treason, which makes this one of the most successful springs in Cowboys history. The bad news is that the franchise continued to add the black-hearted, soulless personnel that have poisoned so many young minds across America.

Take, for example, Cowboys first round draft pick Mazi Smith, a Michigan Wolverine (also known for their satanic predilections) who was arrested for speeding and illegal gun possession late last year. But that only made him more attractive to the Dallas franchise. And when they looked closer at the messages his name clearly spelled out, that sealed the deal. Consider:

Dallas rookie DT Mazi Smith

** I am a skittish, mad-dog zero
** I am a moist troll, hazed kids
** I am a sad loser, hot milk ditz
** I am a mild, lazied shot stork
** I kill mermaids at zoo. Ha! TDs!

You’ve never seen a mermaid at the zoo? Of course not. Because Mazi Smith killed them all. Such horrible evil from these Cowpokes.


** Dad won the picks contest this week by going 11-5 in the opening slate (I went 10-6, so it’s only a one-game lead). That’s even more impressive when you consider that exactly zero people in America picked the Rams to beat the Seahawks this week. After all, the Rams could be one of the three worst teams in the league this year and Seattle was a Super Bowl hopeful…

** PointsBet, which is an online gambling site, is giving 10-to-one odds that Hurts will win the MVP but 20,000-to-1 odds that Eagles backup Marcus Mariota will win MVP. So if you’re interested in trying to turn $100 into $2 million, send it to me and I’ll make the $100 disappear just as fast as placing that bet.

** Just to recap the final few minutes of the Monday Night Game from a fantasy perspective:
I’m up 114.44 to 108.58 with 30 seconds left in regulation. I have the Jets defense, Eileen has Tyler Bass (the Bills kicker). The Jets lead 16-13. I have a 99% chance of winning, according to Yahoo.

Bass kicks a 50-yard FG with 4 seconds left. The game is tied 16-16. Bass gets five points, the Jets defense loses three points. I am down 111.44 to 113.58 heading into overtime. I have a 99% chance of losing, according to Yahoo.

The Bills start overtime by going three-and-out, and then punt the ball. The Jets return it for a TD and end the game, 22-16. The Jets defense adds six fantasy points, I lead 117.44 to 113.58 and have a 100% chance of winning, according to Yahoo.

Not sure I can survive swings like that every week.


Week 1 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 142.66 pts
2 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 137.21 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 117.56 pts
4 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 114.47 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 113.60 pts
6 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 109.86 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 104.82 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 93.67 pts
9 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 89.41 pts
10 — Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome), 75.63 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 75.32 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 66.46 pts

Jonathan starts off the year living up to my lofty expectations, even with starting a TE who scored zero pts. Unlike Sam, who got more than half of his points from two players (Tua and the Dallas defense combined for 75.14), Jonathan’s team was a balanced attack, with seven different squad members in double digits.

Solid work in the opener from our defending champ, Jeff and Joel as well. Joanna had a self-described awful week and still beat me by two touchdowns. And Paul managed to start two inactive players in week 1, which is difficult even if you are trying (which he is not).

But the fantasy football season is a marathon, not a sprint, so don’t panic about the standings after 1/18th of the year. Get those rosters set early and often this week. The Eagles are forced into an early Thursday game as punishment for losing the Super Bowl last year, and there are two Monday night games at almost the same time this week because the NFL does not ever want it to be easy for you to watch its product. That’s just business 101.

Fantasy Football 2023 -- pre-season rankings

Good news — Fantasy football is back!

Bad news — You’ve already lost because your draft was bad. Well, most of you, at least.

 
Sure, we technically still have four months of NFL games to watch before we name a new Awesome Cup champ, but we all know this is how everything is going to play out.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
I’m not saying that Jeff is a bad person. I’m just saying that he drafted a lot of not good people, and that may be hinting at something about his character. His squad is led by QB Deshaun Watson (24 civil suits and counting), RB Joe Mixon (involved in a gun lawsuit this offseason) and WR Michael Gallup (plays for the Cowboys, which makes him evil). He’s also relying on offense from WR Cooper Kupp, who is dead (or has a hamstring injury, one of the two). None of this looks good for the standings this season.

Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
I get why Yahoo sees this team as a potential league winner. QB Jalen Hurts, RB Austin Ekeler, TE George Kittle, sleeper WR Christian Kirk — there are a lot of points to be had. But to get those points, you need to set your roster. And we all know that’s not going to happen for Paul after Oct. 1. I think Hurts alone is enough to keep him from finishing in last place this season, but not enough to overcome negligent coaching. Plus, without focused leadership, how is Paul going to negotiate a new deal for RB Jonathan Taylor and get him back on the field?

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
On paper, this team isn’t terrible. But I already know the coach hates his players. Is Ant really gonna ride with Giants QB Daniel Jones and Cowboys RB Tony Pollard to try and win a championship? Does he really support three starters from Pittsburgh, the city on the wrong side of Pennsylvania? Can he live with himself for not drafting a single Philly player? The answers are no, no, and whatever these drafts are so random it doesn’t matter. WR Stefon Diggs is spectacular, though. He alone should keep Ant’s team out of the cellar.

Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Dad made the foolish move of taking a QB in the first round, which automatically gets him dropped down in the rankings. And he didn’t even take the right one — if you’re gonna reach, take Hurts! He’s got a solid RB corps (James Connor, James Cook, Saquon “James” Barkley) but nothing on the WR front, since he didn’t look at wideouts until round 6. But maybe he can swing a trade to get rid of the remains of WR Odell Beckham and turn his ship around.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Mike is too good of a coach to let his team drop down into the double-digit standings. But he does not have a ton to work with here. He snagged the top TE (Travis Kelce) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, who has a ridiculous name but huge fantasy potential. WRs Drake London and Marquise Brown could be quality pieces. But Mike also has just one real starting RB (Houston’s Dameon Pierce) and has to rely on Cowboys QB Dak Prescott to pull his team into contention. Ick. On the plus side, he didn’t end up with QB Russell Wilson this year, so he still has a chance.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
I dunno. Maybe it’s the fact that RB Derrick Henry is 100 years old. Maybe it’s jealousy that Sam picked up WR Chris Olave. Maybe I’m still angry from six years ago when WR Amari Cooper single-handedly ruined my fantasy year. Or maybe I’m angry about TE Kyle Pitts ruining my teams last year. For whatever reason, I just don’t like Sam’s team. But I like them more than Yahoo, so that makes them the bad guys.

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
If you’re looking for a wideout, Joel took him. Four of his first five picks were WRs (Justin Jefferson, Jaylen Waddle, DeVonta Smith and Tyler Lockett) and yet his RB room (Miles Sanders, Dalvin Cook and Alvin Kamara) still looks solid. QB Trevor Lawrence might be good, even though he’s a Jaguar. The only flaw in Joel’s team? It’s no Rogers, and maybe some sauce. Very confusing all around.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
As her name suggests, Mom D is trapped in hell. The reigning Awesome Cup champ could defend her title with the deep talent pool she has (QB Justin Fields, WR DK Metcalf as her 3rd WR, a possible #1 K in Harrison Butker and #1 DEF in New Orleans) but it will require her to use her whole bench … including the two Cowboys she drafted, WRs CeeDee Lamb and Michael Gallup. Is she willing to sell her soul for a title? Or will she jettison a SECOND ROUND PICK in Lamb and jeopardize her whole team? Anyways, if you want to trade for a Dallas wideout, there’s a candidate here.

Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Tough break for Joanna, who drafted a solid team but can’t win the title this season because Yahoo said she has the best squad. And they are never, ever right. Jo got her TE of choice (Dallas Goedert) and puts him with two solid WRs (Tyreek Hill and Christian Watson), two solid RBs (Josh Jacobs and Rhamondre Stevenson) and a top five QB in Joe Burrow. That’s impressive all around. Too bad the fantasy gods won’t let it amount to anything.

Tush Push All-Stars (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
This is the first time ever that Yahoo has kinda liked my team, so I’m terribly worried. Luckily, Eagles WR AJ Brown is calming those fears. I’ve got a host of young talent (RB Jahmyr Gibbs, WRs Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Zay Flowers) to pair with established stars like RB Nick Chubb and QB Lamar Jackson. The only flaw? Two Eagles RBs — Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell — which means I’ll be even more unhappy every week that stupid Boston Scott gets any touches.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Bob made the bold move of taking a QB in the first round, which automatically gets him moved up in the rankings. To go along with Patrick Mahomes, Bob has five potential starting RBs and a pair of solid wideouts in DJ Moore and Mike Williams. That could be a recipe for a league win, except Yahoo somehow also drafted four TEs for him. And not good ones either. Like TE Evan Engram and a bunch of other guys just walking down the street. So that keeps him from claiming the title of pre-season favorite because a better team was drafted by …

The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
That’s a pretty cocky team name choice for the boy, but his team could back it up. RBs Christian McCaffrey and Travis Etienne are poised to be rushing/receiving nightmares for fantasy this season. WRs Davante Adams and Deebo Samuel are monsters too. QB Justin Herbert might end up with the gaudiest stats of any passers. His third-string skill positions — WR Michael Pittman and RB Alexander Mattison — could be first-line starters on some teams. Everything is set up for a big season. The only real question is whether the coach is up to the challenge.

There you have it, folks. The season end is already set, but why not get your rosters in order for opening weekend anyway? The first game takes place Thursday night, because the NFL hates letting you watch football when it’s convenient for you. And just a general reminder — they play football for the next 18 weeks, so you’re gonna want to set that roster every single one of them. Don’t be like the Cardinals and start tanking games in late September.