Fantasy League 2022 -- week 3 recap

OK, I’ll be that guy.

Everyone is all jazzed in Philly about how good the team looks and what their potential is. But there are huge red flags with this squad, and fans should be realistic about their ceiling.

For starters, the second-half offense has been dreadful. The team has shown only sporadic signs of life, and hasn’t been able sustain any momentum.

The defense is still shaky. Yes, they made improvements, especially in the middle of the field. But it still feels soft, and you have to worry when they’re going to make a key mistake and cost the team a game.

And let’s talk about leadership. Do you have confidence that the stars on this team can step up and be leaders? Sure, the new guys have looked great, and the young guys are coming along nicely. But great teams have those intangibles in the locker room, and right now you have to question whether these guys have that.

So, everyone needs to calm down. Yes, things have gone better than expected. But for everyone thinking about a deep playoff run for this group, there needs to be a dose of realism.

The fact is even with all their accomplishments so far, the Phillies are still only a sixth place team in the East. A playoff spot isn’t guaranteed.

Now, if you want to talk about a team to get irrationally excited about, it’s the Eagles. It’s pretty obvious that 15-2 is the worst this team can finish and I’ve already booked tickets to Arizona for the Super Bowl in February. That’s a sure thing.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.42 pts — started by me
WR: DeVonta Smith, 21.51 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Khalil Herbert, 30.00 pts — on the wire
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.93 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Philadelphia, 21.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 21.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Denzel Ward, 11.50 pts — on the wire

We’re just three weeks into the season and Jackson, the former MVP, already has 12 total TDs and a 20-point lead in the fantasy standings. As someone who had him on a fantasy team last year, when he stunk, and this year, when he is awesome, I’m feeling somewhat conflicted right now. But I’ll take the points.

Welcome to the top performers, DeVonta Smith. All it took was a career day featuring eight catches for 169 yds, one TD, a 12-yard rush and an afternoon of embarrassing the Commie secondary. Not bad for a guy who everyone thought was washed up after a bad week one.

I don’t know how a Bears RB got on this list, I assure you the league is investigating now.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: CJ Beathard, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sky Moore, -1.76 pts — on my bench
1st place: Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Sky Moore was my deep pick to be a surprise rookie this year, since the Chiefs have no clear top wideout. Instead, he’s worth 2.14 fantasy pts through three games. So it may be time to cut him.

Congrats to the Chargers, the first team to bottom out in defensive fantasy pts this season. Minus-six means they allowed more than 35 pts (38, to be exact) and recorded no turnovers, no sacks and no signs of life. In fairness, though they were facing the vaunted … Jacksonville offense. So that makes sense.


** Here’s a brief recap of the Auburn/Missouri game:

— With two seconds left and the score tied at 14, Missouri lined up for a 28-yard FG … and missed, sending the game into overtime.

— Facing 4th and 12 in overtime, Auburn lined up for a 44-yard FG … and missed … but Missouri jumped offside, so they got another chance. They connected and took a 17-14 lead.

— On Missouri’s second play of overtime, from the 20-yard line, RB Nathaniel Peat ran around the end and down the sideline for a 19-yard gain … at which point he fumbled the ball trying to reach for the goal line. Auburn recovered, Missouri lost, 17-14.

 
Not sure I’ve ever seen a team work that hard to lose. And I’ve watched a ton of NFC East games over the last decade.

** Headline on NFL.com on Sept. 18, just before the Eagles/Vikings Monday night game: “Will Justin Jefferson become NFL's first 2,000-yard receiver?”

Jefferson’s stat totals since then: two games, nine catches, 62 yds. If he keeps up that pace, he should finish the year with 618 receiving yards, or roughly the same production WR Laviska Shenault had last year. And, by the way, Shenault has two catches for 90 yds and a TD this week, so I’m waiting for his historic profile now.

** NBC word salad chef Chris Collinsworth gave this recap of the day’s action during the first quarter of the Sunday night game:

“The league got more interesting today, didn’t it? The Bills got beat, the Dolphins are in first place. The Giants, the Eagles, those two teams got beat.”

Solid work there. The Dolphins were already tied for first. The Eagles won. The Giants did get beat ... a day later, on Monday Night football. The Bills did lose, so I guess we should be happy that his rambling had a sliver of truth.
 

The Vikings and Saints square off early Sunday morning in the NFL’s first London game of the year. This will be the first time the NFL has ever played a game in a country ruled by a king (RIP Queen Elizabeth) so the league is making numerous changes to adapt to the new monarchy’s demands:

— An extra “U” will be added to most words in the broadcast to appease the local fans. The game will now feature QBs Kurk Cousins and Jamus Winstun and will be broadcast in America on Fox Sports Netwourk.

— The field will be converted to the metric system. Teams can get a first down after every 9.1 meters.

— Before the game, the fans will stand and sing “God Save the King” instead of the previous tradition of singing “Wonderwall.”

— As a coronation gift, the NFL will give the new king the Jacksonville Jaguars. 

— Joe Buck will be beheaded before the game for crimes against the crown, specifically for ruining the English language.


Most of the Cowboys’ rookie class has been quiet so far this season, both on and off the field. That may seem surprising, but when you start to look closer at them, you understand why. Take, for instance, first round draft pick Tyler Smith. The Cowboys said they drafted him because they liked his “intangibles.” What they really liked was what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Rookie Tackle Tyler Smith
** A total mockery. Lad likes Hitlers.

Liking one Hitler is bad enough. But liking multiple Hitlers? Disgusting. This team has no shame.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks again this week, although I wish we hadn’t. I knew the New Jersey Giants would lose to the Cowboys but was hoping for a 2-2 tie to embarrass both squads. Dad remains up 2 in the season standings, but I’ll fix that next week.

** Since Joanna asked, if the Eagles/Commies game had ended in a 24-2 score, it would not have been the first time in NFL history a game ended on those numbers. In fact, it has happened three other times, including in the 2012 playoffs (when the Giants beat the Falcons). BUT, Sunday’s 24-8 game was only the second time in NFL history a game has ended with that score. The other time was in October 1975 when the Houston Oilers beat the Lions, and who doesn’t remember that epic contest...

** As predicted, the only two undefeated NFL teams left are the Eagles and the Dolphins. And yes, those two teams have met in the Super Bowl before … in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. So I guess get ready for weeks and weeks of Jim Carrey clips.

 

Week 3 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-0/393.18 pts
2 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 2-1/437.26 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-1/420.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-1/355.52 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-1/335.48 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-2/367.36 pts
7 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-3/367.24 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-3/189.66 pts

And we have a new leader in the family clubhouse. Aunt Elieen’s upset of my squad coupled with Mom’s win over Uncle Jim puts both of the Garrity women at the top of the standings. The men sit humbled lower down, for now. (Although I would point out I’m still way ahead of Mom in points).

This was also the first week that Dak Prescott didn’t have the lowest scoring team — they beat Jim’s squad by 10 pts. Lucky for him it wasn’t a head-to-head matchup.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 392.31 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 388.11 pts
3 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 387.73 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 382.75 pts
5 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 357.32 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 356.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 355.93 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 328.17 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 300.89 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 287.97 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 282.58 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 271.97 pts

And just like that, the streak is over. Joanna just missed making it a full calendar year atop the Awesome Cup leaderboard, but Lamar Jackson and my team did just enough to spoil her fun, at least for a moment. With just 4.2 pts separating our teams, I’m not running any victory laps yet.

Mom D actually had the best week of any team, totaling 154.71 pts and pulling herself up from 8th place to 4th. At the other end, Mike continues to tumble, thanks in large part to that negative Chargers defense and the continued ineptitude of Russell Wilson.

Now is a good time to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game — a Dolphins/Bengals matchup with a lot of key fantasy guys involved. And that stupid Saints/Vikings game starts at 930am, so make sure to check your roster again on Saturday night. And then twice on Sunday. You know what? Just stare at your team until this time next week, when I get the next recap up.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 2 recap

The Eagles snagged an impressive early season win against the Vikings on Monday night, but the celebration over the victory was marred Tuesday morning with the announcement that several players and staff are facing criminal prosecution for their actions during the contest. Here’s a look at the pending charges:

Theft (S Daris Slay): His second interception of the night was particularly egregious, given that as he grabbed the ball he also stole Kirk Cousins’ soul right out of his body. He’s also facing three counts of attempted robbery for dropped picks.

Assault (QB Jalen Hurts): His 26-yard TD run in the second quarter included brutalizing three defenders and then stepping over their crumbled bodies to get in the end zone. Paramedics noted that the scoreboard never recovered from the assault.

Public indecency (P Arryn Siposs): Following a blocked FG attempt, Siposs ran down Vikings CB Kris Boyd and tackled him to save a special teams TD. Authorities said that a punter outrunning a CB is not something that should be seen in civilized society.

Possession of stolen property (PG James Harden): Slay gave one of the footballs he stole to the Sixers star (watching the game from the expensive seats in the stands) so now he’s caught up in this legal controversy too.

Cannibalism (WR AJ Brown): At the end of the game, Brown bit off the head of a defender as a warning to future DBs. That apparently isn’t allowed anymore in the “woke” NFL.

Fraud (WR Justin Jefferson): Weird how Mr. “I’m going to be the first 2,000-yard receiver” was outgained by four different Eagles pass catchers.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 50.86 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 33.87 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Nick Chubb, 29.93 pts — started by me
TE: Mark Andrews, 17.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Graham Gano, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Charles Harris, 10.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what you say, Slay was the top defensive performer of the week..

The two top QBs of the week were in the same contest on Sunday. Tua threw for 469 yds and 6 TDs in the Dolphins comeback 42-38 win over the Ravens, overshadowing Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson’s state line of 318 passing yds, 3 TDs, 119 rushing yds, 1 more TD (48.62 pts). After two weeks, Jackson is the top fantasy QB on the season and Tua is third, and the QB in between them is … Carson Wentz? Seriously? This league makes no sense.

“Funny names” edition

3rd place: Chuba Hubbard, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.58 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.42 pts — on the wire

Usually guys end up on this list because they muffed a punt or fumbled on their only carry. Powell went the extra step to earn his spot down here — he ran backwards 26 yds for a strategic fourth-quarter safety in the Rams win over the Falcons. Combined with some positive return yards, the special teams specialist is now in the lead for the fewest rushing yds on the season, with -23, just a mere 259 yds behind league leader Saquon Barkley.

Chuba Hubbard anagrams to “car had hubbub.” Just in case you were wondering.


** On Saturday night, while announcing an unrelated game, former QB Robert Griffin was reviewing the college football scores of the day and noted that Georgia’s 48-7 win over South Carolina shows that “they’re the only team out there right now that is really dominating.”

Also displayed on the screen while he said that:
#2 Alabama defeats UL Monroe 63-7
#3 Ohio State defeats Toledo 77-21
#4 Michigan defeats UConn 59-0

In fairness, from what we saw from Griffin’s pro career, looking at the second or third read was never his strong suit.

** Driving through the Philly burbs this weekend, I heard this ad on the radio:

“The Eagles take care when it comes to their personnel. And the Eagles take the same care when it comes to selecting their dentists. That’s why you should trust Dudhat Dental Group, the official partner of the Eagles.”

Not sure that’s the tact I would have leaned on in this partnership. The last thing I want to think about while I’m getting my teeth cleaned is whether the doc was vetted by the same people who thought JJ Arcega-Whiteside was a great receiving talent.

** Shout out to all the pundits who last year proclaimed that QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals “would be back” after they lost the Super Bowl. The team is 0-2 now after losing to a Pittsburgh and a Dallas team with backup QBs. Looks like that path to the Lombardi trophy is secure.

During Sunday’s game against the Saints, Bucs QB Tom Brady was seen on the sidelines spiking a Microsoft tablet into the ground in a fit of frustration (even though his team was winning). This is the second time in two years that Brady was seen tossing a tablet during a game, and he even got a warning last season from NFL officials not to damage the expensive equipment (because, you know, the NFL can’t afford to replace them.)

Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:

** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.

** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.

** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.

** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.

** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.

The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.

In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.

** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.

** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.

** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.

I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.


Week 2 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown League

1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts

Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…

For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.

The Awesome Cup standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts

Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.

Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.

Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 1 recap

Eagles WR AJ Brown caught 10 passes for 155 yds in his first game with the Eagles on Sunday, accounting for one-third of the team’s offense for the day and 65 percent of the team’s receiving yards. The impressive debut begs the natural question of where he ranks among the best Browns in Philly football sports history. Consider the other contenders:

** DT Jerome Brown: #99 holds the #1 spot for now. The Pro Bowler was a fearsome presence on the field before his death in 1992. His number was retired by the team shortly thereafter.

 
** WR Reggie Brown: From 2005-2007, Brown had 150 catches for 2,167 yds and 16 TDs. He was the overlooked wideout bridge between Terrell Owens and DeSean Jackson, but deserves more credit for helping extend the Donovan McNabb era a little longer.

** Eagles DE Reggie White: One of the greatest defensive players in NFL history, but he does not come close to qualifying as one of the better Browns to play here. One of the best color names? Sure. But he’s just all wrong for this.

** DB Sheldon Brown: Over eight years with the Eagles, Sheldon collected 351 tackles and 19 interceptions. He’s best remembered for killing RB Reggie Bush during the 2006 NFC playoffs, for which he was arrested but never charged because no one liked Bush.

** The Eagles brown pants: For the first two seasons of the franchise, in 1933 and 1934, the team wore brown pants with blue and yellow jerseys. Apparently the plan was to blind opposing teams with hideous fashion. It didn’t work, the team went 7-12-1 over that stint and changed to silver pants in 1935.

** Eagles WR Na Brown: He was drafted the same year as McNabb and stunk. For whatever reason, I have a lot of old online accounts with the handle “nabrownsux.” It’s literally the only reason I remember who he was.

** Phillies OF Domonic Brown: He made the All-Star team in 2013 and was supposed to be the team’s next big star. For all I know, he is now working as a parking attendant at the Eagles games.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 44.90 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 28.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Saquon Barkley, 29.40 pts — started by Mom
TE: Travis Kelce, 18.07 pts — started by Joel
K: Younghoe Koo, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
D: Minkah Fitzpatrick, 17.50 pts — on the wire

The top four spots on that list were all occupied by players taken in the first three round of this year’s fantasy draft, so no huge surprises there. In fact, 20 of the top 21 scorers on the week were on somebody’s roster. The only omission? Maryland Commies QB Carson Wentz, the #3 player on the week (36.22 pts in his team’s win over the Jags). He also threw a fourth-quarter interception that led directly to a Jacksonville TD, so I’m sure that’s out of his system now and won’t be an issue the rest of the year.

The Steelers are in a rebuilding year, after the departure of QB Ben Roethlisberger and a host of other established names. So naturally they went out and upset the Super Bowl runner-up Bengals on Sunday. Fitzpatrick had 10 tackles, an interception, a blocked kick and a TD in the game. Pittsburgh fans haven’t had to endure an actual losing season since 2003, so if they do start to fall apart as the year goes on, nobody should feel bad for them.

“Opening screw-ups” edition

3rd place: James Cook, -1.80 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: Detroit, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -4.00 pts — on the wire

Only two offensive players scored below zero this week, with Tampa WR Breshad Perriman losing 7 yds on a rushing attempt to total -0.70 pts. Cook, the younger brother of Vikings RB Dalvin Cook, fumbled on his sole rushing attempt Thursday night for the Bills, who didn’t need him at all in the end. Still, not the best way for the rookie to start his career.

Detroit was a bottom 3 defense last year and started off this season in the same fashion. In fact, the Lions defense has totaled just 70 fantasy points over the last 34 games. For comparison, the Dolphins defense (not considered elite) has totaled 39 points in their last two games. The coaching staff might want to work on that half of the ball a little.

** The Rams opened up the NFL season on Thursday night with a home game against Buffalo. The season started on the same field where last year’s ended (with the Rams winning the Super Bowl) and with the team wearing the same uniform set as they did when they lifted the Lombardi trophy: their blue, white and yellow “modern throwback” jerseys.

You know, as opposed to the “alternate primary” jerseys or the “reimagined traditional” jerseys. I for one was hoping for their “sleeveless sleeved” jerseys.

Honestly, my brain was ready for the “Thursday night edition of Sunday night football” this year, but not for announcers babbling about new old jerseys.

** NBC Sports Philly came up with the most Philly headline ever after Sunday’s win against the Lions: “Why AJ Brown might be too good.” The logic, of course, is that because Brown is such a solid WR, the other options on the team — particularly DeVonta Smith — won’t be force-fed the ball enough to learn the position quickly, and the Philly passing offense may be too one dimensional.

That’s definitely something I’m worried about with a QB who always thinks run first and has only thrown more than 300 yds in a game twice. Please don’t let him have one elite receiver, it might hurt the feelings of the mediocre ones.

** On Sunday, the Los Angeles Dodgers became the first team to clinch a playoff spot after they beat the Padres 11-2. The team had a small celebration in the locker room, but since it was their 10th consecutive postseason berth, the party was appropriately subdued.

And that’s great, because on Monday MLB announced that actually, they got the math wrong, there was still a scenario where the Dodgers could lose their next 23 games, get into a three-way tie with other teams and miss out on the postseason. They apologized, and the Dodgers will likely still clinch sometime this week.

How does that happen? Doesn’t MLB have people whose whole job is just to keep track of this stuff? The league has an entire web page dedicated to tiebreakers, playoff game dates and “the longest postseason homers since 2015.” There’s no one on staff who can count?

FYI, the Phillies magic number for a playoff berth is 21. That’s the combination they need of wins, or Brewers losses, or Padres losses, or maybe Eagles losses? I dunno. And I can’t ask MLB to explain it to me anymore.

Actual parlay bets that I thought about making in Atlantic City in mid-August that I now regret passing up:

** Eagles over 9.5 wins, Jaguars over 6.5 wins, Eagles make the playoffs, Jaguars make the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $287)
— The birds have a suddenly easy path to the NFC East title, and the Jaguars play in a division that saw no teams win in week 1. This feels very possible.

** Titans, Niners, Cowboys and Dolphins all miss the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $233).
— The first three all looked terrible this week, and the Dolphins still have to play the Bills twice and always lose to the Jets once. I wouldn’t be betting on any of them to make the playoffs.

** Eagles win the NFC East, Eagles over 9.5 wins, Giants miss the playoffs, Commies miss the playoffs ($10 bet wins $128).
— The only real downside here is that the NFC East might be won with seven victories. The division don’t look so good.

** Packers under 11.5 wins, Bucs under 11.5 wins, Packers miss the playoffs, Bucs miss the playoffs. ($10 bet wins $640)
— OK, this is still a long shot. But neither team looked good in week 1, and Brady is getting older and older…

** Cowboys, Commies and Giants miss the playoffs. Eagles win the Super Bowl. ($10 bet pays $2,988).
— Still tempting.

Really bad opening week for the Cowboys — not only did they lose in embarrassing fashion on national TV, but they also may have lost starting QB Dak Prescott for the next two months with a thumb injury. This is the latest in a series of significant injuries for Prescott. In fact, we had an anagram on his leg injuries just last season. So it’s only fitting to rearrange the letters in his name to show that a hand injury should come as no surprise either.

Cowboys Dak Prescott’s hand injury
** Pa can just cry: His body doesn’t work

Remember, you can’t spell “Dak Prescott” without “rotted packs.”

** Dad and I split the opening weekend of picks, going 10-6, which feels like a solid start. I’m not sure anyone in America picked the Bears to win that game against the 49ers, so we can’t feel too bad about dropping that one.

** The Cowboys are 32nd in the league in points scored. Just saying.

** FYI, I’m saving all of my “tie game” jokes for when the Eagles end up in a baffling draw against the Giants later this year.


Week 1 standings

1 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-0/164.22 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 1-0/138.72 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 1-0/137.30 pts
4 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 1-0/128.96 pts
5 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Younger Jim), 0-1 142.12 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-1/123.68 pts
7 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 0-1/107.08 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-1, 38.66 pts

Oh, were you expecting different standings?

This year marks the start of the Garrity Throwdown League, open to family members who wanted to play fantasy football but needed more family drama involved. Our opening week featured one son getting beat badly by his mother, one father getting beat narrowly by his son (ahem) and Mom beating the snot out of our special team, the 2022 Dallas Cowboys (the roster is nothing but Dallas players, and they are not good).

We still haven’t decided on a prize for the winner of the league, but needless to say it won’t be as coveted as some other league’s trophies. Speaking of which, onto the Awesome Cup standings…

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 152.84 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 128.07 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 121.12 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 115.58 pts
5 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 114.33 pts
6 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 109.33 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 105.77 pts
8 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 104.85 pts
9 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 99.39 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 96.73 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 92.26 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 91.46 pts

New year, same song — Jo finished last season at the top of the leaderboard and starts there again. In fact, the distance between her and second place is the same gap between second and eighth place.

Still, it was a strong opening showing all around. When the last place team almost breaks 100, you know it’s going to be a close season. Heck, even Paul set his roster!

Remember that waivers run on Tuesday nights (for both leagues) so if you want to pick up any new players, get your claims in early or watch the good ones get stolen away. And get your rosters set for Thursday — the early game this week is Chiefs vs. Chargers, which could produce plenty of scoring. Or a 9-3 dudfest, if the featured games this weekend contaminate the rest of the NFL.

Fantasy League 2022 -- pre-season rankings

The teams have been picked, your fate has been sealed, and the fantasy season is just a mere formality now. We’ll play along anyway, just for fun, but here’s how the season is going to shake out:

Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Paul was penciled into the last spot here even before we drafted, because the odds of him checking his lineup after week 4 are about 10-to-1. But he also may have ended up with the riskiest team on the board. QB Tom Brady? Currently in a mid-life crisis. RB Christian McCaffery? Hasn’t stayed healthy either of the last two years. WR Tyreek Hill? A great talent now with a poor QB. TE Pat Freiermuth? Great name, uneven player. All that adds up to a lot of question marks and another shaky season ahead for Paulie.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
I don’t have any real problems with Joel’s squad, other than I hate his QB (Dak Prescott) and I his starting RB (Damien Harris) is at best a third-stringer and I believe TE Travis Kelce will really drop off this year and there isn’t a single player on his bench I think will finish in the top 20 at their position this year and WR Cooper Kupp can’t possibly be as good as he was last year. Oh and WR Tee Higgins has a funny name. Beyond that, the team is fine.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Mike never finishes this low, so I know this prediction is gonna haunt me in January. But there is not a lot to like with this team. Too many Cowboys (WR CeeDee Lamb, RB Ezekiel Elliott), too many players who look like shells of their former selves (RB JK Dobbins, TE Darren Waller) and another running back who is starting only because his teammate was shot in the leg (RB Anonio Gibson, true story). Add in an overhyped, can’t-possible-repeat-last year WR Jamar Chase, and there’s the potential for a mess here.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
This is already a victory for Dad, because for the first time in three years Yahoo didn’t pick him to win the league. That prediction has been a consistent kiss of death (sorry, Bob) — In the 21 year history of the league, Yahoo has never accurately picked the eventual winner (probably. I’m not checking). Sadly for Dad, his team name is better than his squad. He took All-Pro QB Josh Allen in the first but ended up with middling WRs and RB in exchange for that heavy price. The Buffalo defense looks good in real life but subpar for fantasy. And I’ll bet you $20 right now he can’t pronounce his TE’s name (it’s Davis Ngoku). You know why I’m so sure? He didn’t even notice that I spelled it wrong (it’s Daveed Ngokou). If you can’t name your players, how can you win a championship?

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
It’s gonna be tough for our youngest player to repeat his brilliance from his rookie year, when he finished second. Jonathan has five WRs that could start on anyone else’s team (Stefon Diggs, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tyler Lockett) and he may only have one RB he can start for week 1 (Miles Sanders is hurt? I’m shocked. Just shocked). QB Joe Burrow should be back from his appendectomy for week 1, and that’s a sentence you love to see attached to your fantasy team. But Jonathan’s youthful enthusiasm may be enough to make this all work.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Poor Bob. Yahoo picked him to be great this year, so this will be a disaster. And it’s easy to see how. He ended up with two middling TEs (T.J. Hockenson and Dallas Goedert) instead of a third good RB or WR, and then the autodraft picked TWO MORE FOR HIS BENCH for some ungodly reason. His top pass catcher is Chris Godwin, who may be dead (the NFL has him listed as “questionable” officially). RB Alvin Kamara could be suspended for an offseason fight. And he drafted S Amani Hooker, who will end up on a “real player or name I made up?” list at some point this season. Lucky for Bob, he doesn’t care that I don’t like his team.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Mom, listen to me. Do not drop WR DeAndre Hopkins. Yes, he is suspended for six games. No, you should not drop him. He will be really good in October. You will need him then. Do. No. Drop. Him. Until then, this team’s four RBs will carry the squad (Austin Ekeler, Saquan Barkley, James Conner and QB Jalen Hurts). Not having an actual, professional QB will be problematic, of course, but passing is overrated in today’s NFL anyways.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Huh. Yahoo picked Sam to finish 7th last year too. Did he piss off someone over at the world’s 4th most popular search engine? Sam has hands down the best WR corps of anyone in the league — Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans, and Deebo Samuel are all pre-season top 8 receivers. Sadly, he has no RBs to compliment them. Maybe RB Dameon Pierce can turn into the superstar people are predicting, but anytime you hitch your wagon to the Texans, it’s a dangerous game.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Jeff ended up with a lot of gamble picks that I like. QB Trey Lance is the biggest risk of the draft, but he’s backed up here by a solid WR corps (Davante Adams, AJ Brown, DK Metcalf), a reliable backup passer (Kirk Cousins) and a good RB tandem (Dalvin Cook, Kareem Hunt). WR Rashod Bateman and RB Travis Etienne could be superstars too … or total busts. I think Indianapolis is the sleeper defense of the year. And 700-year-old Zach Ertz? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Yahoo always hates me, but that’s because I consistently perform better in my weekly and yearly picks then their algorithms do. And this year is no exception. My RB corps is stacked — Derrick Henry with the 8th pick? You all are drunk! — accompanied by comeback player of the year QB Lamar Jackson and Archbishop Wood alumnus/TE receiving leader for 2022 Kyle Pitts working alongside them. Do my wideouts stink? Yes. Will I end up starting the remains of Julio Jones at some point? Yes. But it’ll still be enough to be in the running for my fifth Awesome Cup championship this year.

For the record, Dad’s TE is actually spelled “David Njoku.” It’s pronounced “En-Jo-Koo.” But, to my earlier point, we’re all the way down here in the rankings and he still didn’t see the mistake until now.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
I’m not happy that I like Ant’s team this much, but here we are. Last year’s rushing champ? Jonathan Taylor, check. A fantasy-points vacuum at QB? Kyler Murray, check. Up and coming WR superstar? Chris Olave, check. A top defense playing a soft schedule? San Francisco, check. A player who can likely be worked into tons of jokes? TE Isaiah Likely, check. Sure, coaching will be a problem here, but if Chip Kelly taught us anything, it’s that talent can overcome poor leadership for a short while.

Champ For Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1st place, 2405.33 pts, 1st place
You’re at the top until someone climbs higher than you, and right now Joanna isn’t showing any signs of slowing down after last year’s championship run. This is a sneaky good roster. QB Patrick Mahomes is somehow underrated all of the sudden. RBs Aaron Jones and D’Andre Swift could be the sleeper RBs of the year. And even all these second-string wideouts that make up her squad look like quiet stat heroes — Jerry Jeudy, Gabe Davis, Allen Lazard. Throw in an Ohio State hero on her bench (Garrett Wilson) and the bespeckled K Rodrigo Blankenship, and that’s a good looking squad. At least until it all falls apart because I cursed her by picking her this high.

There you have it — time to tear Joanna down off her perch. In case you forgot, here’s what we’re all fighting for:

Thanks again for playing along with this nonsense year after year. Remember to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game. Only 18 weeks of football left until we crown the next champion.