2011 fantasy recap, week 16

Next weekend's Cowboys/Giants contest is the game to watch for even casual football fans: It's a winner-take-all season finale, with the victor headed to the post-season and the loser headed home in shame. But, considering the two teams involved are both inherently evil, viewers should be careful watching. Here's how to observe it properly:

** DO root for a tie. It would give the Giants the division title, but it would be embarrassing for both sides.
** DO NOT look directly at QB Eli Manning's eyes. You might catch dopeyness.
** DO keep mentioning that whichever team wins, they're the worst of the 12 playoff teams.
** DO NOT be fooled into thinking RB Felix Jones is competent. The Giants' defense is just that bad.
** DO root for a safety. There was one the last time these two teams played, and it was hilarious.
** DO NOT root for the Cowboys. I don't care, they're always the greater of two evils.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.12 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Arian Foster, 25.87 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Jordy Nelson, 25.67 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jared Cook, 25.27 pts -- sitting on Bobert's bench
K: Graham Gano, 17.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Spencer Johnson, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Aaron Rogers in the top performers again. What a shocker.

But a big congrats to Gano, one of the worst kickers in the history of the NFL, for posting yet another high-scoring week. Gano is 13-for-13 in the month of December for the Maryland Racial Slurs, amazing when you consider that he has missed 20 FG attempts in his 35-game NFL career. He has missed on nearly one of every three FG tries, and has two extra-point misses to add to his resume.

It should be noted that the Maryland team is 12-23 since Gano started, and 5-7 in games decided by less than three points. I'm not saying it's his fault. I'm just pointing out that he's not helping.

"No defense" edition
2nd place: Atlanta, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Chicago, -5.00 pts -- started by Dad

Combined, those three defenses this week allowed 122 offensive points (you can't blame them for fumbles returned for TDs). Incidentally, the St. Louis Rams have scored 120 pts in 11 games since their week five bye. I guess the lesson here is that someone always has it worse than you. Unless you're the Rams, of course.

Saints QB Drew Brees broke the single-season passing record Monday night with a nine-yard TD pass late in the fourth quarter, giving him 5,087 yards in just 15 games. Just how long is that? It translates into:

** 3 full trips down Bourbon Street, plus another quarter mile.
** 10.5 Sears Tower buildings, stacked on top of each other.
** 2,543.5 Reggie Bushes, stacked on top of each other.
** 1 trip around Daytona Speedway, plus another .4 miles.
** 16,648 footballs, stacked end to end.
** 118 more yards that QB Mike Vick has collected in his last 20 games.

Verizon has been running a cell phone commercial (maybe they've finally stopped, now that the holiday is over) that shows a man jumping out of an airplane sans parachute, then throwing a pulsing ball of energy into a cloud to start a lightning storm. As a bolt strikes the ground, another man goes running towards ground zero, discovering the new, revolutionary phone.

In small letters underneath the whole commercial, there's this standard warning: "Do not try this at home."

Here's my question: What am I supposed to not try? The running towards lightning to get free gifts or the throwing an energy orb into a cloud while in freefall? I understand the legal reasons for putting those warnings on, but I really can't imagine what I could copy from this commercial. If I could create lightning storms just for kicks, I'd be doing it all the time, no matter what some commercial tells me. And stealing cell phones tossed down from Olympus by Zeus is always good advice.

The Giants and Cowboys may be the premiere NFC East game next week, but that's not the only division contest. Earlier on Sunday, the Eagles and Maryland Racial slurs will square off to see which team finishes last in the division (Nah, it'll be the Slurs either way). Think that's not enough reason to stay riveted to your TV? Here are some other things to watch for:

** Eagles RB LeSean McCoy sits 203 yards shy the team's single season rushing record of 1,512 yards. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** A loss by the Slurs and wins by a few other teams could move them into the top five in next year's draft. If that happens, will anyone care?

** Eagles QB Mike Vick sits just 32 yards away from his second consecutive 3,000-yard passing season. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** Eagles DE Jason Babin has 18 sacks on the season, three short of the team single season record. If he gets four, will anyone care?

** Slurs QB Rex Grossman is tied for the league lead with 19 INTs, albeit in 3 fewer games than his competitors. If he throws a few more, will anyone care?

** Eagles coach Andy Reid has lead his teams to only two losing seasons in his 12 previous seasons. If he avoids a third on Sunday, will anyone care?

** Reports of UFO activity over major U.S. cities have increased in recent years. If both teams were abducted at halftime of the game, will anyone care?

Speaking of that big Giants/Cowboys game, if fragile RB Felix Jones can’t go for the Dallas squad on Sunday, they’ll have to rely on Sammy Morris – signed by the team just two weeks ago – to shoulder their ground attack. You might think that someone who just joined the team wouldn’t have his evil erupt out right away, but you’d be wrong. Just look at what his name clearly spells:

New Dallas Cowboy Running Back Sammy Morris III
Sorry I maimed you all? No. Wincing barbs, smacks win.

He’s giving III’s everywhere a bad name with that “win no matter who you hurt” attitude.

Week 16 standings

Another huge week for Anthony (179 pts) just about sews up his first Awesome Cup championship. Of course, the Denver Broncos looked like they had the playoffs wrapped up a few weeks ago, and they're still sweating it out with one game left. And Ant doesn't run nearly as well as Tebow. So anything could happen.

Except Joel winning. That can't happen.

** Still four games down on Dad. Ugh. It's starting to look like another regular season loss for me. I'm 2-12 so far in the 15 years we've been doing this, I think. At some point, you'd assume that I'd take the hint.

** Finished sixth (out of 10) in my other fantasy league, thanks to three head-to-head losses of fewer than three points. I will forever hate RB Chris Johnson for my decision to take him over RB Arian "Nation" Foster.

** Related to my earlier rant against Graham Gano, here's an awesome column on why K David Akers is the clear MVP of the league. In other news, the Eagles still aren't going to the post-season.

** Pro-Bowl roster is out. The Eagles have three starters on the NFC squad. Chicago is the only team with more (five) without having a winning record. The starting NFC kicker is, of course, David Akers.

2011 fantasy recap, week 15

Sunday saw a host of wild upsets, but none were bigger than the Chiefs' win over the undefeated Packers and the Maryland Racial Slurs victory over the first-place Giants. But which of those was the bigger choke job?

** Vegas: Giants were 7 pt favorites, Packers were plus 13.5 pts.
BIGGER CHOKE: Packers
** Offense: QB Aaron Rodgers had two TDs, QB Eli Manning had 3 INTs.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Defense: Packers = 19 pts to a bad team, Giants = 23 pts to a bad team.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Significance: Packers lost perfect season, Giants hurt playoff chances.
BIGGER CHOKE: Push
** Location: Giants were at home, Packers were on the road.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants

Verdict: The Packers lost a chance at immortality, but Eli's boys are the ones left gasping for air after that choking fit. Seriously, they lost two to the Deadskins this year. That's just embarrassing.

QB: Drew Brees, 45.38 pts -- started by Joel
RB: C.J. Spiller, 35.17 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Calvin Johnson, 35.27 pts -- started by NewMike
TE: Aaron Hernandez, 25.20 pts -- started by me
K: Ryan Succop, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 32.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: John Abraham, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Brees needs to average a whopping 153 passing yards over his last two games to break the NFL single season mark (Dan Marino, 5,084 in 1984. C'mon, I cite this stat every other week. You should have memorized it by now). For reference sake, in his last 32 starts, Brees has only passed for fewer than 200 yards once, and 19 times has thrown for more than 300 yards.

Eagles QB Mike Vick also has a chance to break the single-season passing record, if he can collect a mere 2,410 passing yards over the last two games.


2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Denver, -4.00 pts -- on Bobert's bench

Second week in a row Eagles CB Marsh makes this list, thanks to his second turnover on a punt return. For the season, he now sits at -3.60 pts, making him the league's worst fantasy performer to date. He has scored two times worse than the second-place player, Bears backup backup QB Josh McCown (-1.52 pts). And, with limited on-field action likely after those two mistakes, he may hold the title at year's end.

For the record, Marsh sits a mere 447 pts behind the league leader, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers. Although, Marsh's team won this weekend...

The Eagles beating the Jets 45-13 wasn't even the most absurd fact to come out of that game on Sunday. The shocker was that the Jets are now 0-9 all-time against Philadelphia, the most losses for any team in NFL history against another opponent without a win. Here's a few reasons for that domination:

** Bad timing by the Jets. In the eight other time the teams met, New York was fielding a sub-.500 team. The Jets have never had a winning season when they're lost to the Eagles.

** Good luck by the Eagles. Five of the nine meetings have been decided by less than a touchdown, and two of those were one-point Philadelphia wins.

** Bad football by the Jets. Out of 31 teams in the NFL, the Jets only have a winning record against nine of them. That includes newcomers like the Texans (5-0) and the Panthers (3-2).

** Also, New York teams stink. Everyone knows that.

Thanks to that win, the Eagles still mathematically have a chance to win the NFC East (actually, just typing that phrase is incredibly stupid) but they'll need everything to fall in place to get it. They need to beat Dallas next win and win their finale against the Maryland Racial Slurs, plus have the Giants win their last game against the Cowboys but lose their contest next Sunday.

And to make matters more difficult, they'll have to go on the road next week for their game. They'll play at the New York Jets home stadium.

Which just happens to be their home stadium too.

And that's just stupid.

Throw in the fact that the game is in Jersey, and you get the New York Giants playing an extra home game in a stadium that isn't in New York state. And if you think about that too long, your face ends up looking like Eli Manning's.

The Lions, at 9-5 after their dramatic win over the Raiders Sunday, are on the cusp of their first playoff appearance in 12 years. But it has actually been 20 years since the Lions' last playoff victory, a 38-6 romp over the Dallas Cowboys. Here's a look at just how long ago that was:

** The Lions team was led by Barry Sanders, a good young RB in only his third season in the NFL.
** At the time of the game, the Patriots had zero Super Bowl wins and Tom Brady was a high-school freshman.
** That Cowboys team was led by the young trio of Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael "I eat children" Irvin, none of whom had yet won a playoff game.
** A few weeks earlier, Falcons QB Brett Farve made his pro debut with a 0-for-4 performance.
** At the time of the game, people thought of the Lions as a good team that had a chance to win the Super Bowl, not as a running joke.

After dozens of anagram insults I assume that I've hit nearly every single cowboy, but a quick search of my files shows that I've never analyzed the name of pro-bowl tight end Jason Witten (who goes by his middle name, instead of his actual first name).

That got me thinking ... Maybe it's because, unlike his peers, his name just doesn't shout evil. Maybe he's the one good guy on a team of sadistic phonies. Maybe I've been wrong about this whole column all along.

Cowboys Dallas TE Christopher Jason Witten
Coy jester pin stabs children. Ows. What a tool.

Or maybe I just overlooked him. Stabbing kids with pins? Sounds like a Cowboy to me.

Week 15 standings

Maybe it's Ant's savvy coaching, maybe it's the fact that I left 46 pts on my bench, but with just two weeks left Ant has taken over the top spot again. Paul and Joel are locked into an epic battle for last place too, but it looks like everyone else is all but locked in their final finish spot. But, much like the Eagles, right now no one has been mathematically eliminated from winning the league.

** I'm still four back of Dad in the weekly picks, thanks to the Steelers playing like crap on Monday night. Maybe they should have left the lights off. It couldn't have made Big Ben play any worse.

** There is nothing funnier than the "Eli Manning, Citizen Eco-drive: Unstoppable" wristwatch commercials on a day where dopey threw three picks in an upset loss.

** For the record, the Eagles are also undefeated all-time against the Houston Texans (3-0). When realignment rolls around again, they might want to see if they can get into a Jets-Texans-Rams division.

** Pro-Bowl voting ended last night. I hope you got your votes in for WR DeSean Jackson, because it might be the last game you get to see him wearing Eagles colors before he storms off to another team next season.

2011 fantasy recap, week 14

Actual Eagles Christmas items for sale on eBay:

** Eagles 2011 Merry Christmas Penny: $3.99. This is a penny that has "Go Eagles" stamped on the right. Perfect for family members who complain you wouldn't give them a penny.

** Eagles Christmas Gift Wrap Paper: $6.99. What better way to show your love for the home team than by shredding the logo into little bits?

** Eagles Handmade Christmas Tree Ornament: $2.25. This is either supposed to be an Eagles' helmet or a map of Guam. It's not clear which it's closer to.

** Eagles Christmas Candy Canes: $13.99. Caution: Attempting to eat this on Sunday may cause uncontrollable choking.

** Four tickets for the Eagles/Dallas game Christmas Eve: $599.99. Show your spouse and two close friends how much you hate them by making them watch this game live.


QB: Tony Romo, 36.84 pts -- started by ChampMike
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 41.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Marques Colston, 26.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 28.67 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 17.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Jacksonville, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 19.00 pts -- started by ChampMike

Four teams in the league were over 150 pts this week, but three top performers (and another 26 pts from WR Larry Fitzgerald) helped make ChampMike the big winner, topping 181 pts and giving him the second-highest score of the season on Sunday (Jo posted a 186 score in week 1). And we were just one lucky defensive guess away from sweeping the top players.

"NFC East stinks" edition
3rd place: Josh Johnson, -1.88 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.12 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Dallas, -4.00 pts -- started by NewMike

Any week where the Dallas defense is the worst unit in all of football is a good week, even if it means dopey Eli and the G-Men collected a big win.

And I have no idea who Curtis Marsh is or what he did during the Eagles game on Sunday. But if you told me an Eagles player screwed up again, I would have guessed that it was a CB.

** The New York Times in the last 30 days has written 22 stories mentioning Tim Tebow, 18 mentioning Ben Bernake. In fairness, Tebow has more fourth-quarter miracles this year. (Mine)

** This is the most I've heard anyone talk about a white Bronco since the OJ Simpson trial. (Not mine)

** How many starting quarterbacks have a better win percentage than Tim Tebow this year (7-1)? Only one -- Aaron Rodgers. (Wait, that's not a joke).

** Tebow's Broncos square off against the Patriots Sunday. If only there was some Bible story about an underdog vs. a giant that sportswriters could use in their stories this week. (Not mine)

** What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Mike Vick? Tebow wins games in the fourth quarter. Also, Vick tortured dogs. (Mine)

Even before the weekend began, my brain was already mush. Watching the intermission show during the Flyers-Penguins game this week, the Versus announcers were chronicling how pre-season favorites were faring. Then they let loose this astute observation:

"If the playoffs started today, the Senators would be in and the Capitals would be on the outside watching."

I love making early, ridiculous predictions, but give me a break. The NHL season is barely past the first third of the season. And 16 of the 30 teams make the post-season. Washington could lose all of its game for the next two months (that'd be great, by the way) and still have a chance to make the playoffs.

The only thing stupider than that is noting that the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs in the NFL. The Sixers, who start playing games at the end of the month, have already been eliminated from NBA post-season contention.

Five different teams tallied safeties on Sunday, an NFL single-day record (maybe. I really tried to find that stat, but I can't). In tribute to the accomplishment, here's a look at the comedic value of each one.

** Eagles: 4th Q, J.Losman sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (P.Hunt). Penalty on Miami, face mask.
ANALYSIS ~ At 26-10, the two-pointer really made no difference in the Eagles win, but the face mask penalty on top of an end zone sack is just pathetically hilarious.

** Jets: 4th Q, J.Battle up the middle tackled in end zone for -1 yards, SAFETY (S.Pouha).
ANALYSIS ~ Pretty standard late game sack made the final score 37-10, Jets. But anything involving a Pouha is worth extra comedy points.

** Panthers: 2nd Q, M.Ryan sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (A.Applewhite).
ANALYSIS ~ Carolina went up 9-7 on the play and scored a TD on their ensuing drive. Then the surrendered 24 pts in the second half and lost 31-23.

** Raiders: 4th Q, M.Flynn sacked in End Zone for -6 yards, SAFETY (R.McClain).
ANALYSIS ~ Only funny because it came in a Packers blowout win. Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the game, but his backup Flynn can't do anything right.

** Giants: 1st Q, T.Romo sacked in End Zone for -9 yards, SAFETY (J.Pierre-Paul).
ANALYSIS ~ The points were the first in the game and featured Tony Romo stumbling around at the goal-line like a drunken sailor. I could watch this all day.

Dallas' Felix Jones (aka "Join Elf Sex") is back as the team's starting RB after rookie DeMarco Murray broke his ankle last night. But the fans still see hope that the Cowboys can survive and win the division, right? Right?

Dallas Cowboy starting RB Felix Jones
Blind season: Barflys crawl, jog to exits

I assume the ones crawling have had just a bit too much to drink.

Week 14 standings

It's the closest race the league has ever had ... at least up top. Ant and I have distanced ourselves from the field, thanks to another subpar week from NewMike.

** Picked up one on Dad in the weekly picks, so now I'm only four back with three weeks left. Much like the Eagles, I still technically have a shot at winning this whole thing, but it's not good.

** The Tampa Bay and Jacksonville game on Sunday was a 41-14 blowout that featured no FGs. That's kinda awesome for a game featuring two unwatchable teams.

** The college bowl games kick off this Saturday with Temple playing Wyoming in the New Mexico Bowl. And of course you should watch that one, but after that you're not allowed to tune into another one until Jan. 1. OK? It's just too much bad football to be healthy.

2011 fantasy recap, week 13

The Cowboys and Giants losses on Sunday left the post-season door wide open for the Eagles. Here's all they need to get back into the playoffs this year:

** The Eagles win their last four (Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys and Redskins) to finish 8-8.
** The Giants beat the Cowboys twice, but lose to the Redskins and Jets to finish 8-8.
** The Cowboys beat the Bucs but lose those other three games, and finish 8-8.
** The Redskins lose to the Eagles, and finish no better than 7-9.

Then, the three-way tie atop the NFC East would favor the Eagles, with a 5-1 division record topping the Giants' 3-3 record and the Cowboys 2-4 record. If that happens, then the Eagles would get a home playoff game, which would be interrupted at halftime by the four horsemen announcing the destruction of mankind and the end of the world.

Hey, remember when the NFC East was good? Or at least good enough that a 4-8 team had no chance of winning the division?

QB: Cam Newton, 40.36 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Shonn Greene, 31.53 pts -- on Ant's bench
WR: Percy Harvin, 32.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.47 pts -- started by Ant
K: Connor Barth, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF:(tie) Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF:(tie) Pittsburgh, 23.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
DEF:(tie) San Francisco, 23.00 pts -- started by Jo
D: Jared Allen, 13.50 pts -- started by NewMike

You'd think with all those names on the top scorers list that Ant had the best week of any team. But, he didn't.

Also, I hate ties. Copying and pasting that coding two extra times wrecks valuable time I could be spending thinking of Andy Reid jokes. Here's one: What's the difference between an Andy Reid team and a dollar bill? You can get four quarters from the dollar bill. Think of how much better that could have been if I didn't have to type in each of those defenses.

"All QBs you thought retired" edition
3rd place:Billy Volek, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Caleb Hanie, -0.38 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Bruce Gradkowski, -1.22 pts -- on the wire

Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch came in as the 4th worst this week, at -0.20 pts. I was pretty sure Batch had retired after each of Pittsburgh's last two Super Bowl wins. Then again, I thought Caleb Hanie was an usual strain of lupus, not a human being, so I'm clearly not up to speed on my backup QBs.

Think you're ready for college bowl season? See if you can figure out which of these are real bowl games, and which are missed opportunities by lazy advertisers.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl --- RealFake

Skittles Rainbow Hawaii Bowl --- RealFake

Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl --- RealFake

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl --- RealFake

Sprite Lemon/Lime Bowl --- RealFake

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl --- RealFake

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl --- RealFake

Geico 15 Minutes Bowl --- RealFake

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl --- RealFake

University of Phoenix Arizona Bowl --- RealFake

Answers spelled out down in the News and Notes section.

If you're a regular reader, you know I have no love for the folks ESPN and other sports outlets pay to give fantasy advice. They all have no better idea what they're talking about that you or I. If they did, they wouldn't have spent all of August debating whether Mike Vick was worth the #1 overall fantasy draft spot (as of right now, he's only the 17th best fantasy QB in the league).

The worst offenders are the idiots on Fantasy Football Live every Sunday, where they rank dozens of players based on their projections. They had the #1 RB (Greene) on the week ranked 19th and the #2 WR (Pierre Garcon) ranked 33rd, so they weren't close on most of them. But the most idiotic thing I saw was this entry:

WR rankings -- #36 -- Denarius Moore -- OAK -- @Mia -- (inactive)

That "inactive" there meant he was "inactive" for the game, meaning not playing, meaning zero fantasy points. And he wasn't a last-second scratch either; As of Friday, no on thought he would play. The ESPN fantasy experts ranked 50 WRs on that list, so in their eyes, 14 other receivers were going to do worse than a guy who wasn't going to play a down.

In fact, 120 other WRs performed better than Moore on Sunday, menaing you pretty much could have started anyone with a pulse and done better than what ESPN advised.

Seriously, if the whole point of your show is just putting together lists full of guesses, can't you update those on Saturday night? It's not like you're doing more than 15 minutes worth of work the entire week.

With the Eagles projected to get a top-10 pick in next April's draft, here's a quick look at the most likely candidates the Eagles will be looking at:

** Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Matt Kalil, OT, USC
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Les Miles, coach, LSU
-- Maybe if they draft a coach first, we'll get the linebacker we need instead of being stuck with another *@#%&! lineman.

Remember just two weeks back, when I explained the cosmic disgust a Cowboys overtime win causes? In case you forgot, here's that anagram:

Dallas Cowboys steal overtime win
Ye lot sad: Villain team crows, we sob.

Well, Jerry's boys dropped an extra-time game this week thanks to some terrible coaching in the fourth quarter and terrible tackling in overtime. That made me wonder: Does an overtime loss by the most evil team in the league cause extra joy? Let's take a look:

Dallas Cowboys suffer an overtime defeat
A fun fad: We do celebrate fools' vast misery

We need those kind of fun fads in the NFL today, now more than ever.

Week 13 standings

Ant and I are starting to pull away from the field, thanks to a pair of great weeks from both our teams. Did you know that my savvy draft strategy landed me the two leading rushers in the league (LeSean McCoy and Maurice Jones-Drew)? Or that I've found a way to stay on top even with Eli Manning dopeying up my entire squad? I hope that serves as an inspiration to you as we head into the final stretch.

** Great fantasy week for my team, but an awful weekend for my annual picks with Dad. I dropped all three we had different, putting me five games back with just four weeks left to go. For the record, Dad has a 124-67 record for the year, nearly a 65 percent winning rate. I'm betting ESPN's fantasy experts can't give you any better information than that.

** For the record, the only fake bowl games in there are Skittles, Sprite, Geico and UPhoenix. The rest are very, very sadly real.

** Jacksonville has an offensive lineman named Guy Whimper. How have I not made fun of this in the past?

** Broncos S Brian Dawkins had five tackles, a sack and a forced fumble in Denver's big win on Sunday. Not bad for someone too washed up to play in the NFL anymore.

** Thursday night game this week is the Browns at the Steelers. In other news, the NFL still hates you, and that's why they're still scheduling Thursday night games.

2011 fantasy recap, week 12

The NFL's mid-week highlight game this Thursday features the compelling match-up of the 4-7 Eagles against the 4-7 Seahawks. Since the actual outcome of the game is of no consequence whatsoever, here's what to watch for:

** Funny names -- A jumbled set of scrambled Scrabble tiles could not come up with a better match-up than Philly CB Nnamdi Asomugha covering Seattle WR Golden Tate III.
** Revenge -- After two long years, Seahawks DE Chris Clemons will have a chance to get back at the Eagles team that traded him away. Yeah, I forgot who he was too.
** Streaking -- The Eagles haven't lost in Seattle in 15 years (3-0). The last defeat came at the hands of Seahawks QB Rick Mirer. He's better right now than QB Tavarias Jackson.
** Competition -- Only one other game this week features two teams with losing records: Carolina at Tampa Bay. And that's a division rivalry, so you have to throw away the records.
** Masochism -- Seriously, why are you considering watching this game?

QB: Drew Brees, 45.32 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Roy Helu, 27.40 pts -- on Jeff's bench
WR: Victor Cruz, 31.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.64 pts -- started by Paul
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 23.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Tennessee, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Ashton Youboty, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Any week where you can include Youboty in a recap is a good week.

Also, three top performers from the Monday night game. Would have been nice if any of that excitement was in the first half, when the East Coast was still awake.

"All losers" edition
3rd place: Tashard Choice, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tyler Palko, -1.32 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Philadelphia, -5.00 pts -- on my bench

The Eagles post the second-worst score possible by a defense this week, managing just a single sack to avoid the absolute minimum. For the year, the Philly defense -- which added two Pro-Bowl CBs in the offseason -- has allowed the 10th most points in the league, the second most passing TDs, and the most passing plays of more than 40 yards.

But it would be unfair to label the Eagles starting three CBs a waste of money, even if they do take up $21.8 million in salary cap space this season alone. After all ... no, wait, that would be perfectly fair. Nevermind.

Raiders punter Sean Lechler kicked an 80-yard punt this week, an amazing feat that didn't even come close to setting an NFL record (Jets P Steve O’Neal hit a 98-yard pun in 1969). But plenty of other records have been in play this season. Here's a quick recap:

** Arizona CB Patrick Peterson has four punt return TDs this year, tying the NFL record.

** Both Patriots QB Tom Brady and Saints QB Drew Brees are on pace to break Dan Marino's single-season passing mark of 5,082 yards. Packers QB Aaron Rogers is on pace to miss that record by fewer than 40 yards.

** Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG this year, tying the NFL record.

** Vikings WR Percy Harvin on Sunday reeled off a 104-yard kickoff return before being tackled at the three-yard line. It was the longest non-scoring play in NFL history.

** The Cowboys, at 7-4, have six wins against sub-.500 teams and three game left against losing squads. They're on pace to set a record for the luckiest division win ever.

At halftime of the Bengals/Browns game, color commentator Dave Lapham, a former Cincinnati offensive lineman, summed up why the home team was down by 10 points after two quarters and how they could get back into the game:

"The Bengals offense laid an egg in the first half, so in the second half they're gonna have to sit on that egg and hatch a (chick), then feed it and nurture it and help it to grow into something."

Two problems with that:

1 -- It's a ridiculously stupid metaphor.
2 -- The reason "chick" is in parentheses is because he didn't say "chick." He said "whatever." He forgot the word for what hatches from an egg. But that didn't stop him from using the metaphor.

Besides those two things, he made a great point. The Bengals went on to win 23-20 thanks to a fourth-quarter turkey sandwich.

Word out of Houston today is that the Texans may consider bringing in former Eagles-49ers-Bucs-Browns-Lions-Raiders-Nighthawks QB Jeff Garcia to back up their thin crew of starting passers. But he's not the only former Philly gridiron hero considering a comeback. Here's what others are doing:

** QB Koy Detmer: Looking into a second career as a neckbeard consultant for the NHL.
** WR Greg Lewis: Volunteered for a medical research project looking for a cure for dropsy, found out it isn't what he thought.
** DB Andre Waters: Even in death, figures he'd be a better coverage defender than Asante Samuel.
** K Luis Zendejas: No joke needed here. He's still Luis Zendejas.
** DE Mike Mamula: Just sent in his third application to be night manager at the Quikie Mart.
** QB Donovan McNabb: Apparently still thinks he hasn't retired from football.

With everyone starting their Christmas shopping this week, I thought I'd give you a little help in the search for the perfect insult anagram for a gift. Perhaps you're just looking for a standard anagram insult? How about trying this one on?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Festering hero vended: Lameness is I

OK, but that's not really about the team at all. Looking for something in a "what are my teammates doing" variety?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Engendered fish vomits release sins

Good, but "fish vomits" won't work in every household. What about something the whole family can enjoy?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Meanie losers defend envies, girths

We know you can do your anagram shopping anywhere, and we appreciate your continued business. The "Tony Romo = Toy Moron" t-shirts are all the way in the back aisle, but we're already out of children's sizes.

Week 12 standings

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

A ton of garbage time Monday Night Football points launched me back into the top spot, just past Anthony's struggling squad and two hairs in front of NewMike's team. Jo and ChampMike have made a dent in their deficit as well. After that, you're down into Sam territory, and there's really no point in even discussing those teams.

** Picked up a game on Dad this week, thanks to Tim Tebow's ongoing late-game heroics. I'm Tebowing as I write this.

** If the college national championship game is a LSU-Alabama rematch, and second game ends without a TD, the title should go to Oklahoma State by default. I can't believe they're going to make us go through this again.

** I actually left myself a note earlier in the weekend to make fun of the Grey Cup this week. How much football is too much football?

** Oh, by the way, there's a football game Thursday. Don't forget.