2009 fantasy recap, week #16

Think you know the NFL? Then identify which of these are 2009 NFL Pro Bowl players, and which are characters from the movie Ocean's Eleven.

1. Logan Mankins
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
2. Reuben Tishkoff
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
3. Billy Tim Denham
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
4. Jonathan Stinchcomb
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
5. Linus Caldwell
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
6. Jeff Saturday
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
7. Kris Dielman
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
8. Turk Malloy
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
9. Basher Tarr
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
10. Darrelle Revis
    Pro Bowl1 of 11
    

Anything more than seven right and you know way to much about the NFL ... or about George Clooney movies.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.08 pts – started by NewMike
RB: Jonathan Stewart, 29.67 pts – started by Heidi
WR: Roddy White, 29.27 pts – started by Paul
TE: Brent Celek, 18.07 pts – started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 14.00 pts – started by Ant
DEF: Atlanta, 24.00 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
D: Aaron Schobel, 12.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Only one Pro Bowler on that list, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’re all sick of Tom Brady.

A quick look at the statistical leaders for the Eagles for the last decade (Jan. 1, 2000 to Dec. 31, 2009).

Top passers
#1 Donovan McNabb (31,702 yds); #2 AJ Feeley (2,303 yds); #3 Jeff Garcia (1,309 yds); #4 Mike McMahon (1,158 yds); #5 Kevin Kolb (885 yds)
Yes, Koy Detmer comes in sixth.

Top rushers
#1 Brian Westbrook (5,978 yds); #2 Donovan McNabb (2,928 yds); #3 Duce Staley (2,440 yds); #4 Correll Buckhalter (2,155 yds); #5 Dorsey Levens (821 yds)
Shady McCoy is next, with just one year of work.

Top receivers
#1 Brian Westbrook (3,770 yds); #2 Todd Pinkston (2,816 yds); #3 Reggie Brown (2,574 yds); #4 LJ Smith (2,525 yds); #5 Chad Lewis (2,179 yds); #6 DeSean Jackson (2,032 yds)
T.O. comes in eighth, just behind James Thrash.

Top pass defenders
#1 Brian Dawkins (22 INTs); #2 Sheldon Brown (19 INTs); #3 Lito Sheppard (18 INTs); #4 Troy Vincent (13 INTs); #4 Asante Samuel (13 INTs);
Bobby Taylor just misses the top five.

Top pass rushers
#1 Trent Cole (47 sacks); #2 Hugh Douglas (40 sacks); #3 Corey Simon (32 sacks); #4 Darwin Walker (27 sacks); #5 Juqua Thomas (23 sacks)
Jevon Kearse? Not until #7. Dawkins? Ninth.

Top tacklers
#1 Brian Dawkins (506 tackles); #2 Jeremiah Trotter (463 tackles); #3 Sheldon Brown (351 tackles); #4 Michael Lewis (326 tackles); #5 Quintin Mikell (259 tackles)
One LB, three safeties on that list

Terrible defenses edition

3rd Place: Jacksonville, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place (tie): NY Giants, -5.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place (tie): Seattle, -5.00 pts – started by Jeff

That’s right – Jeff started the worst defense of the week and sat the best one, posting a 29-point swing in just one decision. He also started Ronnie Brown for the fifth week in a row since the Dolphins RB was put on injured reserve, and started a injured kicker on top of that for good luck.

But Jeff was just the unluckiest of five teams this week to start an injured player. The season isn’t over yet, my friends. Don’t forget to check the inactives on Sunday.

In the last two days I’ve heard the Redskins radio crew talk say “you need tacklers, especially on your defense” and heard ESPN talk about how the Miami Hurricanes’ QB “has a lot of arm talent.”

Between that and listening to the refs during the Eagles/Broncos game, it’s amazing I haven’t forgotten how to work pants. Come to think of it, my legs have been really cold today…

Dallas has at least two more weeks of football left, thanks to the giant Giants choke job last weekend. But this Sunday’s game could determine exactly who and where the Cowboys’ opening round loss will take place. Lucky for the Texas faithful, the Cowboys always show up to play in the final week. Right?

Dallas Cowboys final regular season game
-- Assured angle: Ya loser cow slobs fall again --

The last time the Cowboys won their finale? 1999. And then they lost the next week in their playoff debut.

Three big games this weekend: Eagles visit Cowboys, Vikings host Giants, Packers visit Cardinals. Here’s all the ways the playoff race could shake out, listed from best-case scenario to worst-case:

1 -- Eagles win, Vikings win, Cardinals win
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

2 – Eagles win, Vikings lose, Cardinals win
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Packers, Cardinals host Cowboys.

3 – Eagles win, Vikings win, Cardinals lose
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

4 – Eagles win, Vikings lose, Cardinals lose
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

5 – Eagles lose, Vikings win, Cardinals win
Result: Vikings get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

6 – Eagles lose, Vikings lose, Cardinals win
Result: Cardinals get the #2 seed, Vikings host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

7 – Eagles lose, Vikings win, Cardinals lose
Result: Vikings get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

8 – Eagles lose, Vikings lose, Cardinals lose
Result: Cowboys get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Vikings host Eagles

So, more than likely it’s either a first-round bye or a second week in Dallas for the Birds. Either way, I’m stressed out.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Second-place is still up for grabs if your name starts with “Anthony” or “Paul” or “Capt.” But you know Heidi is still gonna find a way to win this thing.

** Despite my beloved Broncos letting me down, I still managed to pick up one more game on Dad, leaving him 16 down going into the final week of the season. That means if I can correctly pick just one game this week, I’ll walk away with a rare season win over my father. And the Ravens are playing the Raiders, with a playoff spot on the line.

** Brian Dawkins made the Pro Bowl as the AFC’s starting strong safety. I didn’t see who made it for the NFC – was it Quintin Demps? Macho Harris? No? Well, then, why the hell did the Eagles let Dawkins go?

** FB Leonard Weaver’s selection to the Pro Bowl squad makes him the first all-star Eagle at that position since Bill Barnes in 1960. And I’m not sure, but I may have just made the guy up.

** Last week, kids. If you’ve got a 300-point week in your team, now’s the time to pull it out.

2009 fantasy recap, week #15

As you know, this weekend will be the Eagles annual “Christmas” game, where they bring a Santa impersonator out to wish glad tidings to the fans. He will be booed mercilessly. And that’s the right thing to do – here’s why:

** If I told you a laughing man was going to break into your house tonight and leave “presents” all over your floor, you’d call the cops right away.

** How many Super Bowl wins has Santa brought to the Philly faithful? None.

** Morbid obesity is nothing to celebrate.

** Every year he covers every house in the world to deliver presents, but he can’t chip in and help the Eagles’ secondary cover half the field once in a while?

** He’s wearing fur.

** You can’t spell “Santa Clause” without “Cue Satan.”

** Everyone who takes the field in Philadelphia gets booed. It’s only fair.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.52 pts – started by me
RB: Jerome Harrison, 49.40 pts – sitting on my bench
WR: Steve Smith, 24.87 pts – started by Joel
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.33 pts – started by Ant
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts – started by Bobert
DEF: NY Giants, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Louis Delmas, 10.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Between Harrison and two other players I left a ridiculous 59 pts on my bench this week, easily the worst of any team (Neal was second with 48, and he stopped playing in October). In fairness, though, Harrison had only 301 rushing yards and no rushing TDs on the year; On Sunday, he went for 286 yards and 3 TDs. If you could have predicted that, you and I have a trip to Vegas coming up.

Also of note: Ben Rothelsberger passed for 503 yards with three TDs and is only the second-best QB of the week. The guy he beat was statistically better. That’s not fair.

Brian Dawkins is unquestionably the greatest safety in Eagles history.

In his 13-year career in Philadelphia he collected 36 interceptions, 25 forced fumbles, 21 sacks and over 800 tackles. He is the only player ever to record a interception, forced fumble, sack and TD reception in the same football game. He played for one Eagles team that lost 13 games and another that won the NFC championship game at home. In short, there’s nothing he didn’t do on the field in Philly.

Except record a safety.

Yes, somehow after 186 games with the team, Weapon X never scored a two-pointer for the home team. So here’s hoping on Sunday, as a member of the Denver Broncos, after his third interception of the day, with the Eagles backed up inside their own five-yard line, McNabb will miss Dawkins coming around the far side of the end zone, and he smashes Pukey into the ground for the career-capping moment.

That'd be a great Christmas present.

2nd Place (tie): Washington, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd Place (tie): Jacksonville, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place: Pittsburgh, -5.00 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench

And Pittsburgh won that game! Absolutely ridiculous.

** The Eagles allowed a 100-yard rusher on Sunday (Frank Gore, with 107) for the first time in 24 games. The last one? Frank Gore, with 101 yards in week 6 of last season.

** The Indianapolis Colts have won their last 23 consecutive regular season games … and lost their last two playoff games.

** On the season, Seattle punter Jon Ryan has more passing yards (1 completion, 42 yards) than Broncos backup QB Chris Simms (5 completions, 23 yards.) And Simms played total three quarters and started one game.

** Colts QB Peyton Manning is the top passer on the year (4,213 yards) but, thanks to kneel downs, he’s also the worst rusher in the league (-13 yards).

** On the season, WR Hank Baskett has as many catches (one) as QBs Donovan McNabb, Drew Brees and Brett Farve each have.

The Cowboys/Saints game last weekend was advertised by the NFL Network as “a Saturday edition of Thursday night football.”

Let me repeat that.

The Cowboys/Saints game last weekend was advertised by the NFL Network as “a Saturday edition of Thursday night football.”

It’s bad enough the network makes you sit through Matt Millen. They don’t need to try and redefine the days of the week too.

Last week, Cowboys K Nick Folk missed a short FG which could have clinched the Dallas/New Orleans game with 2 minutes left. In response, the management went out and signed Shaun Suisham, a kicker who missed an even shorter FG against the Saints while playing for the Maryland Racial Slurs two weeks earlier.

But it’s a move that makes sense, right? I mean, the change of venue is sure to help the guy out, right?

New Dallas Cowboys Kicker Shaun Suisham
-- Cue a win? BS. Achy no-skill dork a shame, wuss. --

Maybe not. Seriously, Suisham wasn’t good enough to play for the last-place Redskins. Why not sign someone off the Rams’ roster instead?

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Good races for second place and for second to last. But first and last? They’re getting boring. It’s sorta like the AFC South.

Maybe I’ll bench NewMike’s whole team at kickoff next week and set Neal’s roster for him, just to shake it up a little.

** Dad dropped one more, putting him 15 behind. On a more positive note, the season is almost over.

** It’s not too late to go online and vote for the Pro-Bowl roster … unless you’re reading this after Monday, in which case it is. Don’t worry; WR DeSean Jackson will make the squad, and he’s the only Eagle worthy of consideration.

** There’s a game on Christmas, so don’t forget to set your rosters. Why is there a game on Christmas? Because the NFL hates Christians.

** Seriously, I’m rooting for Denver on Sunday.

2009 fantasy recap, week #14

Phillies P Cliff Lee may be out of town just a few months after arriving (and just weeks after I got a T-shirt with his number), which might be the shortest stint ever for a Philadelphia athlete to arrive, become a hero and head out (just 17 starts, including the playoffs). Here’s a look at the other contenders in recent memory:

** RB Vai Sikahema – The goalpost punching kick-returner only played for the Eagles for two seasons (1992-1993) and only scored one TD as an Eagle (that aforementioned goal post boxing match). But he managed to parlay his part-time 32-game career into much longer sports broadcasting job.

** C Dikembe Mutombo – Mutombo only played a season and a half as a member of the 76ers (106 regular season games) but collected defensive player of the year honors (the only Sixer ever to do so) and helped Allen Iverson’s crew into the NBA finals over the last half of the 2001 season.

** C Peter Forsberg – Well past the prime of his career but still hailed as a game-changing player, Forseberg signed with the Flyers in 2005 and scored 115 pts in two seasons (but only 100 regular season games thanks to injuries).

** QB Mike Vick – Just kidding. No one has ever loved Vick, which is why he had to turn to a life of crime.

** P Pedro Martinez – This could be premature, since Martinez could technically resign with the Phils. But this past season Martinez actually had fewer starts than Lee (11 total) but enjoyed a career resurgence, much to the delight of the fans.

** QB Jeff Garcia – Probably the best comparison on the list to Lee. In two stints with the Eagles Garcia has only appeared in 11 games and started just eight. But Garcia won six of those starts, leading the Eagles on an improbable 2006 playoff run that included a victory over the Giants in the first round.

QB: Eli Manning, 31.44 pts – started by Joel
RB: Chris Johnson, 37.30 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Brandon Marshall, 46.33 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Dallas Clark, 26.37 pts – started by Ant
K: Rob Bironas, 19.00 pts – started by Paul
DEF: San Francisco, 28.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Brian Orakpo, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Incidentally, whenever the local announcers say that visiting teams are afraid of “running at Orakpo,” I assume they’re referring to some sort of intestinal disease caused by DC water. Good week by him, though.

3rd Place: Alvin Pearman, -1.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
2nd Place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
1st Place: Detroit, -4.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire

Yeah, I know that technically it’s a tie, but the Lions get listed last this week because they lost to the Rams earlier this year (the Rams only win of the season). And that’s just terrible. The Rams are 6-39 over the last three seasons, which is even worse than the Lions 9-36 mark over that period. So that makes the Rams worse, which makes the Lions worse for losing to the Rams, who are worse. Got it?

Think you know the NFL? See if you can tell which of these QBs are still carrying the clipboard, and which have moved on to more respectable careers.

1. Jon KitnaActiveRetired
   
2. Trent DilferActiveRetired
   
3. Brian GrieseActiveRetired
   
4. Rex GrossmanActiveRetired
   
5. Patrick RamseyActiveRetired
   
6. Joey HarringtonActiveRetired
   
7. Troy SmithActiveRetired
   
8. Mark BrunellActiveRetired
   

Anything more than five right and you play waaaay too much fantasy football. I'm just saying...

Originally, I was going to make fun of CBS announcer Dan Dierdorf in this space -- On Sunday, during the Vikings/Bengals game, the Minnesota kicker booted the second-half kickoff out of bounds. Dierdorf was livid, yelling, “That’s just terrible! That’s the equivalent of a penalty!” He said these things as the refs threw a flag, and called an illegal kickoff penalty on the Vikings.

But I’m not going to.

Instead, I want to go back to this feature’s roots. On Monday I got to hear just a few minutes of the Joe Theismann radio show, and remembered that sometimes it’s not just about the stupidest single thing I heard this week. It’s the whole concept, the whole feeling of stupid that pervades the air when certain people talk.

Was it Theismann’s analysis that the Racial Slurs’ win over Oakland was proof that the Maryland team is still one of the most talented in the league? Was it his prediction that the Maryland team will win the NFC East in 2010? Was it his assertion that QB Jason Campbell’s 220-yard passing performance against the 28th-ranked pass defense in the league proves he’s an elite passer? Was it his belief that the Racial Slurs showed what a great defense they were by shutting down QB JaMarcus Russell, the 32nd-ranked QB in the league?

No, it was all of them. We are all dumber for having him on the air.

Sure, the Eagles are in first place now, but the NFC East race is still tightly contested. Dallas sits just one game behind with a regular-season finale against Philly, making the Cowboys a dangerous threat. Just look at how good the odds are that they’ll find a way to sneak into the postseason:

Dallas Cowboys playoff chances this year
-- Bad call: Achy losers’ iffy act sways. No hope. --

Or maybe not.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

A great week by Joanna vaults her into the top half of the standings for the first time since the start of the season, and drops ChampMike back into the lower tiers. The battle for second place has just three teams separated by 10 points. But NewMike has opened up a commanding 183 pts lead, meaning that all of us might be fighting for first loser.

** Dad won the week, picking up one in the standings (leaving him 14 behind for the year). But that one is critical, because now if he just averages five more wins a week than me for the rest of the season, he can escape with a slim season victory.

** Here’s the deal – A Giants loss to the Maryland Racial Slurs and an Eagles win over the 49ers clinches a playoff berth for them for sure. This would be exciting news, because the Eagles are going to be crushed by the Broncos the following week.

** In case you're too lazy to look it up (or you have a life…) here are the quiz answers: Kitna plays for Dallas, Grossman plays for Houston, Troy Smith plays for Baltimore and Brunell is the backup QB on the Saints. Griese, Harrington, Dilfer and Ramsey are out of the league.

** Ten teams have been eliminated from the playoffs, but the 5-8 Seattle Seahawks still have a way to make the postseason. I sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out whether the 4-9 Oakland Raiders can still make it in, but I’ve determined they cannot. I know you’re surprised.

** By the way, I got to do this last weekend. And Monday was even more fun...

2009 fantasy recap, week #13

Sure, the college football regular season is over. But that’s no reason to dump that oh-so-efficient BCS rating system now; Just think of how great the NFL post-season could be if we got rid of that pesky playoff nonsense. Here’s how the rankings would look with just four weeks left.

8 -- Cincinnati (9-3 record)
Ranks: Computer 5, Writers 9, Coaches 12
If not for the opening day loss to Denver, they’d have one less loss.

7 -- Philadelphia (8-4 record)
Ranks: Computer 10, Writers 6, Coaches 7
They were ranked high in the preseason, so they’re still hanging around.

6 -- Dallas (8-4 record)
Ranks: Computer 9, Writers 9, Coaches 3
Six wins versus sub-.500 teams means they’re a true champion.

5 -- San Diego (9-3 record)
Ranks: Computer 4, Writers 3, Coaches 6
LaDanian Tomlinson is great, just not according to his stats or performance.

4 -- New Orleans (12-0 record)
Ranks: Computer 1, Writers 5, Coaches 5
Ridiculous? The college BCS ranked a 12-0 Boise State team sixth.

3 -- Minnesota (10-2 record)
Ranks: Computer 3, Writers 2, Coaches 4
Drew Brees may be the best QB in the league, but he’s no Brett Favre.

2 -- Indianapolis (12-0 record)
Ranks: Computer 2, Writers 4, Coaches 2
Probably the best team, but even the writers are sick of those Manning commercials.

1 -- New England (7-5 record)
Ranks: Computer 11, Writers 1, Coaches 1
Sure they haven’t “won” the most games, but you can’t deny they’re champions.

I can’t wait to see yet another Patriots-Colts match-up, but this time in the Tostitos Super Bowl. That’s what the fans deserve.

QB: Tony Romo, 33.68 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Jerome Harrison, 26.63 pts -- sitting on the wire
WR: Robert Mecham, 39.97 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Jason Witten, 24.40 pts -- started by Mike
K (tie): Matt Prater, 15.00 pts -- started by Bobert
K (tie): Garrett Hartley, 15.00 pts -- started by Neal
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Tamba Hail. 14.50 pts -- sitting on the waiver wire

Ladies and Gentlemen, it finally happened -- Neal collected a whopping 15 points from his kicker, the first points he's gotten from that position all year. Sure, it took a questionable last-second move by the Saints to bench their reliable kicker (and screw my three fantasy teams) for it to happen, but it's all history now. Neal has collected points from all of this fantasy positions now, and that 600-point deficit is a thing of the past.

A quick look at Philly’s two major homecomings this week, and a view of who had the better story:

	Vick	Iverson	Advantage?
Tearful hello?	No	Yes	AI
Pts scored?	12	11	Vick
Team win?	Yes	No	Vick
Long-term value?	none	none	Push
Fan love?	little	redemptive	AI
Cornrows	None	Thinning	AI

Oh, little Allen, we’ve missed you so…

3rd place: Javarris Williams, -0.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Kevin Barnes, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Arnaz Battle, -1.56 pts – sitting on the wire

Denver QB Chris Simms again finished close to the bottom with –0.40 pts, which gives him a total of –3.48 pts for the season thus far. That’s the worst in the league, just below QB Jeff Garcia and his –2.20 pts total.

In case you missed it Sunday morning, the experts over at Yahoo had their weekly podcast where they generously hand out fantasy advice. On their front page put up pictures of three players sure to disappoint in the week 13 games:

** QB Drew Brees
** RB Brandon Jacobs
** RB Joseph Addai

The reasons for the predictions basically boiled down to tough defensive matchups, and in Brees’ case poor weather conditions in Maryland. And each of the reasons were wrong; Here’s how they ended up on the week:

** Brees -- 419 pass yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT (26.76 pts)
** Jacobs -- 103 rush/rec yds, 2 TDs (21.83 pts)
** Addai – 98 rush/rec yds, 2 TDs (24.03 pts)

Granted, none of these guys were the top performers on the week. But if you can afford to leave 20-plus point players on your bench, I’d like to make a trade with you.

** Titans RB Chris Johnson (1509 rushing yds so far) is on pace for 2012 yds rushing this season.

** Patriots WRs Randy Moss (1058 receiving yds) and Wes Welker (1053 receiving yds) are on pace to finish 1-2 in the receiving title with a combined 2813 yds. And Patriots QB Tom Brady is not on pace to finish the year the top passer (Peyton Manning leads him by 47 yds).

** Eagles SS Quintin Mikell (67 tackles) is on pace to finish top on the team with 89 tackles, but only tied for 60th in the league among defensive players.

** Bills WR Terrell Owens (3 TDs) is on pace to finish tied 53rd in the league for receiving TDs, behind luminaries like Packers TE Spencer Havner (4 TDs) and Colts WR Pierre Garcon (4 TDs).

I was looking over the Cowboys roster after their embarrassing loss to New York and spotted something stunning:

Dallas Cornerback Cletis Gordon
-- Giants roar, clocked cornballs --

Wow, that’s dead on. I wonder if any of the other defensive backs can tell me how next week’s Dallas/San Diego game will turn out…

Cowboys strong safety Gerald Sensabaugh
-- Goodbye, new snouts; Chargers slay fat-bags. --

Nice.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Another great week by Heidi vaults her up the charts, but right now it still looks like Paul and I have the only real chance of dethroning the new guy. And frankly, you should all be rooting for that.

** Dad dropped one more this weekend, finishing at 15 under. I'm getting the impression this is not his year.

** Just four more weeks, kids. If you have a way to stop Tom Brady and Wes Welker, now is the time.

** I hate the Giants. And I hate that the Cowboys made me root for the Giants last weekend. But, more than anything, I just hate Eli Manning.

** If you watch the Army/Navy game this Saturday, take a close look up in the media box at Lincoln Financial Field. I’ll be sitting warm and toasty up there, enjoying the scene.

2009 fantasy recap, week #12

The Eagles team had to deal with three severe concussions this week: RB Brian Westbrook, WR DeSean Jackson and Head Coach Andy Reid. The first two happened on the field, but Reid’s apparently occurred during Thanksgiving dinner and went undiagnosed throughout the week. But he clearly suffered some head trauma before Sunday’s game. Consider:

** He called an onsides kick on the opening play, giving one of the worst offenses in the NFL a chance to start the game just a few yards away from scoring.
** On a key fourth-quarter 3rd and goal, he took the ball away from RB LeSean McCoy and FB Leonard Weaver to twice give the ball to 6th-string RB Elrda Buckley.
** He continues to use QB Mike Vick, despite abundant evidence he’s just not good enough to play at a professional level.
** He convinced higher ups this week to give OT Winston Justice, who has elevated his game from terrible to average, a four-year deal worth $20 million.

People with fully functioning frontal lobes don’t act this way. Someone get the NFL’s concussion committee on the phone now.

QB: Drew Brees, 44.74 pts – started by Joanna
RB: Fred Jackson, 28.39 pts – started by Bob
WR: Percy Harvin, 23.23 pts – started by NewMike
TE: Antonio Gates, 26.87 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts – started by Bob
DEF: New York Jets, 27.00 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
D: Charles Woodson, 21.36 pts – started by Heidi

Nooooooooo! So close, but Mike’s decision to start the Miami defense (7 pts) instead of the Jets keeps alive the league streak of not starting all seven top performers in a single week. But it was a close one…

By the way, if you missed Woodson’s line for the Packers on Thanksgiving, it’s worth checking out again: Six tackles, four pass defenses, two interceptions, one sack, one forced fumble, one fumble recovery. That’s insane.

3rd place: Jake Delhomme, -2.80 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Chicgao, -3.00 pts – started by Neal
1st place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last four weeks, Neal (who is setting new standards for apathy and pathetic play) has collected 14.50 pts from the bottom four players on his roster. That’s under a point per player over that span, and is a major reason why his team sits nearly 550 points out of first place.

Meanwhile, over Panthers QB Jake Delhomme’s last 20 games, he’s thrown 15 TDs against 30 interceptions. His 59.4 QB rating is the worst in the NFL among starting QBs not named Jamarcus Russell. And somehow Delhomme still has a job.

I don’t mean to pick on the Maryland Racial Slurs (oh wait, yes I do) but after five years of living in the south it has become abundantly clear that the team and their fans simply do not understand football. The day after the team lost 27-24 to the Eagles, blowing a 4th-quarter lead for the second week in a row, the Washington Post sports section had a story titled “A season is slipping away.”

The Racial Slurs dropped to 3-8 after the loss. For them to make the playoffs, the following would have to happen:

** They win their last five games.
** The Eagles lose their last five games.
** The Giants beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Falcons beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The 49ers beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Panthers, Bears and Seahawks don’t win more than three of their last five games.

Hate to break it to you, folks, but the season has already slipped away.

Nope, my mistake. The day after I wrote the above item the local sports analysts called the Saints' upcoming visit to Maryland a "classic trap game" and a good chance for the local team to show some pride. That was stupider.

Recently I’ve been researching exactly how the Dallas organization takes players from simply evil to super evil, replacing their soul with some sort of villainous anti-soul. Just putting on the uniform is almost enough, but there’s also a harsh regiment of baby insulting, stealing from the Salvation Army and, apparently, a strict diet.

How strict? The answer is barely hidden in their players own names:

Dallas Cowboys corner Alan Ball
-- Yell! Drab rascals allow no bacon –

Everyone knows that bacon is the source of pure goodness. For a team to ban it … well, that’s just super evil.

Just to show you what a well-coached team can achieve, here’s a look at the regular season stats for my PS2 Eagles team, which finished 16-0:

** McNabb: 5,013 yds passing, 104 TDs; 438 yds rushing, 10 TDs
** Westbrook: 3,107 yds rushing, 64 TDs; 305 yds receiving, 7 TDs
** Rookie WR: 1,388 yds receiving, 26 TDs
** 2nd rookie WR: 951 yds receiving, 16 TDs
** Jevon Kearse: 179 tackles, 164 sacks, 5 fumbles, 5 safeties
** Michael Lewis: 38 tackles, 15 INTs, 4 TDs
** Brian Dawkins: 46 tackles, 10 INTs
** David Akers: 1 FG, 194 XPs

The team scored 1,411 pts on the season (88 per game) and allowed 16 (1 per game). The worst game of the year was a week 5 victory over the Seahawks (67-10) while the crowning performance was a week 13 win over the Chargers (112-0).

Now, I’m not saying that those results correlate exactly to what the Eagles should be achieving. I’m just saying that it’s reasonable to expect a 2,000-yard rusher and a 75-TD QB every year from a good coach.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Heidi posted an unbelievable 190-plus pts this week, vaulting her back up into the contenders pile. My assault on the top spot continues unabated, and defying all expectations Anthony is still in striking distance too.

I had assumed Anthony had stopped playing completely and dropped the ball. Oh, no, wait – that was just his TE, Brent Celek. My mistake.

** Dad has dropped to 14 behind, thanks to misplaced faith in the Patriots and the Rams this weekend. Clearly, we are not living in 2001 anymore.

** Listening to ESPN’s Matt Millen offer analysis on the Saints/Patriots game is like listening to an American Idol reject offering serious commentary on how a successful presidential campaign is run. Millen put together the worst team in the history of the NFL; How can he be qualified to say anything about one franchise that finished the regular season 16-0 and another which could do the same this year?

** The trade deadline is this Friday, kids. Last chance to improve that wretched lineup.

** I’m horribly disappointed by the playoff prospects this year – looks like the NFC championship game will either be held in New Orleans or Minnesota, and Indy will probably host the AFC champs. No playoff games in the snow? Can’t Buffalo be assigned the permanent host for one of these match-ups?