Fantasy recap week #12

Bowl projections after week 12



     Little known fact: After last year’s disappointing Super Bowl result, the NFL’s competition committee decided to go to a Bowl Championship Series format to make sure undeserving teams (like the 10-6 Giants) don’t spoil the coronation of great teams (like the 16-0 Patriots.) There’s still some football left to be played, but here’s how it’s shaping up:

Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Bowl
Projection: Lions vs. Rams
     Loser wins the first pick in the 2009 draft. The winner actually goes home with a toilet trophy, symbolizing their slow spiral of suckitude.
Serta Mattress Hype Bowl
Projection: Cowboys vs Patriots
     The sponsor has already planned to strategically position hundreds of their finely crafted mattresses around the stadium, so that after one team loses its fans won’t get hurt as they leap off the bandwagon.
AIG Meltdown Bowl
Projection: Eagles vs. Chargers
     Both teams prospects were high at the start of the season, but have seen their fortunes crash. The winning team gets 500 shares of Wall Street financial stocks; The losing team has to take 1,000 shares.
Tostitos BCS Championship Bowl
Projection: Titans vs. USC Trojans
     That’ll make just as much sense as whatever the college championship game actually ends up being.
NFL Network Championship Bowl
Projection: Giants vs. Jets
     Why risk having the playoffs when you can pre-plan the greatest possible match-up: Two New York teams! Everyone can get behind that. No word yet on whether the NFL has decided to let St. Brett or St. Eli win this one.





Top Performers


QB: Matt Cassel, 40.00 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
RB: Michael Tuner, 35.70 pts – started by Jo
WR: Randy Moss, 34.83 pts – started by Mike
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 23.53 pts – started by Neal
K: Mick Folk, 19.00 pts – started by Neal
D: Ronde Barber, 13.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 33.00 pts – started by Bob
     Real surprise to see Baltimore on that list – wonder what happened this week to bump their numbers up.






Worst performers, “Eagles QBs” edition


3rd place: AJ Feeley, 0.00 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Kevin Kolb, -1.08 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Donovan McNabb -2.94 pts – started by Ant
     Yes, the best Eagles QB on Sunday was the only one not to take a snap.
     If Feeley had taken the field and simply thrown one pass into the ground, his QB rating would have been 39.6. Kolb posted a 15.3 rating, and McNabb’s was a amazing 13.2.
     Combined, the Eagles receivers had fewer yards (132) than the Ravens had interception return yards (163). In the last two games, Eagles QBs have accounted for nine turnovers and only one TD.
     But other than that, I can’t think of anything negative to say.





Stupidest thing I heard this week


     Before the Ohio State/Michigan game, ABC sideline analyst Paul McGuire said “I never realized what a big deal this game is for the fans.”
     If you would, try to forget that this is always one of the top five college football rivalries of the last 70 years. Try to forget that ABC had been hyping the game all week long.
     Instead, I’d like you to focus on the fact that McGuire has covered the game for ABC for the last four years. Did he not notice the fans were just a little more, um, vicious than usual at those games?
     For the record, Ohio State just barely squeaked by in that game with a 35-point margin of victory.





Actual results of plays I ran on Madden 09


     Game situation: Eagles vs. Ravens, Eagles have the ball 3rd and one at the 35-yard line, 10 ties at each formation. The results?
-- I-form, basic run up the middle: 80% success
-- Singleback, basic run up the middle: 70% success.
-- Strong I, basic run up the middle: 90% success, 1 TD
-- Weak I, basic run up the middle: 100% success
-- Singleback, 4WR slant routes: 50% success, 2 INTs
-- Splitback, 2WR curl routes: 40% success
-- Shotgun, 3WR slant routes: 50% success, 1 INT
-- Singleback, 2TE, fake handoff : 90% success, 6 TDs
     Ohmigawd, I figured it out! Andy can’t tell the difference between the video game and the real game!





Cowboys anagram insult of the week


     With Felix Jones out for the season, the Cowpokes have a new back-up RB: Tashard Choice. And I’ve never had a simpler anagram week in my life.
     ** Tashard Choice = Chaotic dasher **
     For the record, that one just beat out “A coached shirt” and “Scotch airhead” and “Coach dares hit” for this week’s entry.
     “I had sea crotch” was not considered.





Our standings so far


1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 1543.34 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 1472.24 pts
3rd place: The Moravians, Bob – 1468.18 pts
     It looked for a minute there like Bob or Dad (two pts behind Bob) might catch Heidi, but it’ll have to wait until next week. Meanwhile, Joanna jumped into fifth place after an impressive 175.32 pts week, the third highest total of the year (first was 182 pts by Jo in week 4).





News and notes


-- The trade deadline is Friday. If you want any of Joanna’s seven great RBs, today is the day to make an offer.
-- There are three Thursday night games. It’s also Thanksgiving. Try to remember both things.
-- And until I say otherwise, Andy Reid is getting the Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award. Until he discovers what a fullback is, everyone else is just battling for second.
-- The Phils still won the World Series, by the way.