Fantasy League 2021 -- draft order announcement

Welcome back to the 20th season of our fantasy football league, or as it is more accurately called, the “Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.” Please remember to use the full name of the season in all formal correspondence regarding league matters.

I appreciate everyone coming back for what is sure to be a delightful, stress-free season of enjoying fantasy football and real-life Eagles games (oh dear gawd, this team has both Joe Flacco and Gardner Minshew, what have we done to deserve this?). A lot of the world is still covered in pandemic uncertainty, so please take a minute to review our safety precautions from last year. And in case you’ve forgotten, here’s how we’ve picked the season draft order for the last 12 years. 

And the Fort Awesome children are back again to help, determined to tank my draft status and help Grandmom as much as possible. The good news is we have special guest avatars this year to stand in for everyone — real life celebrity (product) representatives are here to bring some needed star power to this event. Consider this the league’s very own red carpet, although the floor in here is off-white, so you’ll have to use your imagination.

Everyone’s masks are on, the names of our top four finishers from 2019 go into the Eagles helmet and our first loser to be selected is …

Pick #12 — The mystery coach

Oh, I should have mentioned — we’re back to 12 teams in the league this year. Surprise! Heidi did petition the league for reinstatement, but her 10-year ban for performance-enhancing drugs still has not completed yet. But I did have another coach who reached out with great interest in playing this year, believing he/she deserves to hold the Awesome Cup in its 20th year (also known as “Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” in case that wasn’t clear.)

For now, our new coach has asked to remain anonymous, as revealing personal details may disrupt the new team’s draft strategy. Newbies always pick last in the draft, so our mystery player’s proxy for the draft, a Jake Gyllenhaal Mysterio Action figure, nods silently as the draft spot is announced.

And with that, we go back to our normal draft pageantry, and the first name out of the helmet is …

Pick #11 — Jeff

Ooooh, tough break for last year’s fourth place finisher, who ends up with the worst pick possible. The Blue Collar Killers’ representative at the draft, a Mike Rowe Dirty Jobs T-shirt, somehow gets even dirtier in anger. But it’s good news for the Fort Awesome children, who haven’t screwed over their mother or father yet.

Here comes their next chance …

Pick #10 — Mike

Last year’s Awesome Cup champion moves up one spot to pick 10th in this year’s extravaganza. It should be noted that Mike picked 11th out of 11 last year, so the sting of getting a later first-round pick means nothing to him. His representative, Cam Newton, nods in approval. Yeah, it’s the real Cam Newton. It’s not like he has anything else to do right now.

The next name out of the hat is...

Pick #9 — Jo

Both children cower in fear, worried about Mom’s reaction to getting picked so early, but then they realize that she barely tolerates this nonsense and relax. Her draft proxy, a charcoal sketch of Nick Foles as a Catholic saint, curses wildly at the injustice. Joanna briefly asks why she needs a proxy if she’s here, but her concerns are quickly overruled.

The children get back to work and select …

Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome

Eh, I guess I won’t make them sleep outside. I was hoping to slip up into the top five, but considering my second-place finish last year, this is about as good as I could have hoped for. My representative, a vintage #20 Brian Dawkins jersey, reminds me not to let my draft slot affect me too much, because these games are won with skill and heart, not blind draft luck. And that’s the kind of attitude you’ll need if you want to win the Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.

Next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #7 — Bob

The children get excited at maybe helping Bob out, but grow weary as I explain to them how the mid-round picks are difficult given the long wait between picks and the likelihood of player runs leaving middling talent available. However, Bob’s stand-in for the event, a Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn baseball card from The Philadelphia Story, sits in awed silence at my analysis. The respect leaves me feeling like a human being.

The next victim of this cracked draft process is …

Pick #6 — Mom D

The children are now crestfallen, convinced that their paper-picking skills may have ruined grandmom’s entire football season. Grandmom is here to witness the carnage and assure them it’s fine, but her proxy, a wand used by Helena Bonham Carter in the Harry Potter movies, considers several unforgivable curses to use against the small ones. Joanna briefly asks why grandmom needs a proxy if she’s already here, but her concerns are quickly overruled.

Another name comes out, and it’s bad news for... 

Pick #5 — Sam

 
Sam had lobbied for Cam Newton to be here to stand in for him at the draft order announcement, but our policy of “not letting New England fans get anything they want” resulted in his request getting blocked. Instead, his actual representative, an authentic Ryan Reynolds poster from the movie Free Guy, looks quizzically around the room, searching for some semblance of meaning in all of this.

The last name goes in the helmet, and we’re down to our final four names. First one out is… 

Pick #4 — Joel

 
I assume the children have something against Ohio, because they really jobbed both Joel and Jeff, and the only thing they know about them is that we used to hang out with them in Ohio. Joel finished last in 2020 but gets the worst possible draft pick possible (which is still top four, so, whatever). His proxy, a life-sized Joel Embiid wall decal, glares down from above.

Congrats to our top three, which includes…

Pick #3 — Ant

Anthony’s stand-in, a set of bed sheets with Seth McFarlane’s face on them, immediately uses the pick to select RB LaDanian Tomlinson, once again reminding us all that this league was started simply to keep Anthony from losing actual money on sports gambling.

The children now realize there are only two names left, and Pop is one of them, and if he gets the top pick, Christmas is probably going to be spectacular this year. If they can just avoid selecting his name from the last two…

Pick #2 — Pop

 
Pop will probably still be pretty thrilled, picking second in a draft that has three clear top players. His proxy, a copy of Dan Marino’s autobiography “My Life in Football,” looks smugly across the room as if waiting for a compliment. None is given.

Just one name left in the hat, so congratulations go to…

Pick #1 — Paul

Paul’s representative here at the draft, a $400 Philadelphia Union match-worn jersey autographed by Kacper Przybylko, begins screaming “GOAAAAAALLLL” to illustrate both the excitement of the moment and Paul’s confusion over which kind of football we’re talking about here. Regardless, he gets the privilege of picking first, a solid start for his squad this year. The children ask if they are dismissed, so I send them outside to sleep on the lawn after reconsidering my earlier leniency.

There you have it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 4), so get your affairs in order. There are a mess of players unlikely to suit up this year on the pre-draft lists — Cam Akers, JK Dobbins, Cam Newton, the entire Philadelphia Eagles defense — so be sure to exclude them along with all the Cowboys. 

Remember that if you do have Dallas players on your roster and win, you’ll be tainting the everything that the “Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” stands for.

Fantasy league 2020 -- final season recap

We did it, folks. Thanks to all our precautions and social distancing, we managed to make it through an entire fantasy football season without any coronavirus cases in our league.

(double checks the league medical reports)

Or not. But, in the words of Roger Goodell, there were still plenty of games, and making money for the NFL is all that matters, player health be damned. So let’s review how our teams did before we unveil the trophy everyone has been waiting for:

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2012.14 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2223.22 pts, 2nd place
Actual ranking: 1458.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars

Buckle up, kids, because my predictions were a roller coaster this year. I’m not sure what I saw in Joel’s team, but it disappeared almost instantly. Injuries killed the squad: RB Saquon Barkley, RB Austin Eckler, and QB Drew Brees all spent long stretches on the disabled list. Not replacing them with competent players until far too late didn’t help. But the worst move for Joel may have been trusting K Jake Elliott all season, even when it became obvious that Eagles Coach Doug Pederson would rather lose every game than even attempt field goals. Stubborn coaching in the face of stubborn coaching just doesn’t work.

Soccer Orphans (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2097.35 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1803.00 pts, 9th place
Actual ranking: 1630.73 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans

Like the Texans, Paul’s team looked good on paper. But zeroed in on the root of his team’s problems when I reviewed my pre-season predictions:

“QB Carson Wentz is, of course, a natural winner.”

Wentz was so awful this year there was no way to escape his fantasy black hole. RB Derrick Henry rushed for 2,000 yds. The Colts defense was great. WR Tyler Lockett put up another solid season. And none of it mattered, because Wentz tanked every team he was on, including Paul’s. I finished in 11th out of 12 teams in one of my other leagues, and guess who my QB was? That’s right it was Wentz. And Joe Burrow. And Taysom Hill. And I think Hurts for a game or two? Having Wentz as a centerpiece this year was the same as throwing your entire team in the garbage disposal and hoping it would somehow turn into dinner.

Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad) 

Yahoo ranking: 2277.76 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2013.13 pts, 5th place
Actual ranking: 1841.42 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Jets

This is the second consecutive year that Yahoo picked Dad as the best team post-draft. And this is the second consecutive year that Yahoo was wrong. Dad’s team (whose name translates in Polish to “never believe Yahoo rankings”) had WR Stefon Diggs and QB Lamar Jackson — two players who led me to a championship in my other fantasy league, I might add — but not much else. His gamble on TE Dallas Goedert never paid off. RBs Joe Mixon, Todd Gurley and Cam Akers ran aground (I had Mixon on my championship team too, just saying, some of us can coach around problems). What his team really lacked in the end was heart. And leadership. And total points, which is really the most important thing.

The Mom Football Tm (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2086.25 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2101.10 pts, 4th place
Actual ranking: 1951.65 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons

Both the Falcons and Mom were let down by QB Matt Ryan this year, who was as streaky as paint left to dry in sub-30 degree temperatures (did you know paint won’t dry in weather that cold? I do now!) Like everyone else in the bottom half here, Mom had too much faith in Eagles: RB Miles Sanders was palatable on the rare occasions when he was healthy, WR DeSean Jackson was hurt exactly as much as we thought he would be. WR Juju Smith-Schuster put up some solid numbers in the second half of the year … after she cut him from the team. She also started two Lions in the final week of the season, and everybody knows that just won’t work, because there is no winning football in Detroit, ever.

The Slaymakers (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1987.36 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1707.45 pts, 10th place
Actual ranking: 1963.18 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers

There were a few moments this season where it looked like the Panthers could be a relevant team. And there were a few moments where Ant’s team looked good too. And then reality set it. WRs Julion Jones and AJ Green were both largely busts. Rookie RBs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Jonathan Taylor showed flashes of brilliance but not enough actual production. QB Russell Wilson was unstoppable for the first half of the year and unwatchable for the second. But the biggest stunner of all was that Ant kept a Cowboy on his roster for the entire year. Does he owe money to WR Michael Gallup or something? At least lose with dignity, man.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2003.17 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1835.50 pts, 9th place
Actual ranking: 2019.98 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots

Our reigning Awesome Cup champion fell back to the middle of the pack this year, mostly due to mediocre RB performances. Ezekiel Elliott, Kareen Hunt and James Conner were the rushing equivalent of pandemic vacations this season: Sure, they are nice to have, but they aren’t really taking you anywhere. QB Josh Allen single-handedly saved this team from the bottom half of the standings. And Panthers WR DJ Moore made sure they didn’t move up any higher than the middle of the pack. Sam will have to wait until next season to reclaim his title. And by then, who knows if we’ll have to be watching football with masks over our eyes to avoid the next plague.

Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2068.57 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2198.01 pts, 3rd place
Actual ranking: 2021.44 pts, 5th place 

NFL equivalent: New Orleans Saints

Bob was close this year, folks. Like, “not properly socially distanced” from the top spot. QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Tyreek Hill had him cooking all year, and his makeshift running back corps of James Robinson, Adrian Peterson and Devin Singletary almost came through. Bob even ran a two-TE set in the final week of the season, rolling Rob Gronkowski and Mark Andrews out there together. It didn’t work, but you have to admire his tenacity. If not for his ever rotating problem with defenses — Bob had at least one of his defenses worth zero or fewer pts each of the last five weeks of the season — he may have been able to sneak up onto the medal podium. He still walks away with the trophy for best team name (please note, there is still not a trophy for this).

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2142.40 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 1696.69 pts, 11th place
Actual ranking: 2071.69 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills

Like the Bills, Jeff was the team that everyone predicted would be really good but I just didn’t believe it. But QB Kyler Murray was a fantasy stud all year, the Baltimore Defense pulled in plenty of points, WRs CeeDee Lamb and Keenan Allen did enough to keep Jeff near the top. Imagine if he hadn’t taken RB Christian McCaffery with the top pick, only to see him get hurt early in the season. Imagine if he had remembered to set his roster, and not taken a zero in 10 different player spots over the last four weeks of the season. As the great philosopher Keanu Reeves once said, “One of the most important things in life is showing up, and I can’t believe I showed up to star in the movie ‘Hardball.’” That’s a life lesson we can all treasure.

5th Grade Math (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1948.99 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1888.23 pts, 6th place
Actual ranking: 2139.19 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

A last-week blitz of points gives Joanna’s team the league bronze medal for a record fourth time. She also has a silver medal to go with that and three more fourth-place finishes, but remains our league’s Andy Reid: the most accomplished coach never to get a title. Still, there’s plenty to like about her performance this year. Picking RB Alvin Kamara over Saquon Barkley? Genius move. Snagging QB DeShaun Watson in the 7th round and taking his league-leading 4,823 passing yds? Great. Grabbing the top fantasy defense (Pittsburgh) in a year where defenses were routinely let-downs? Solid. Investing heavily in TE Zach Ertz? Hey, you can’t win them all. But she won enough to look down over her mask at most of the rest of you and admire the view from the podium.

The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1965.48 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1887.23 pts, 7th place
Actual ranking: 2196.89 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles, not this year’s garbage birds team

I now have the league lead in first-place (four) and second-place finishes (five), and have finished in the top three spots each of the last four years. But, like memories of what the Eagles were just a few years ago, reflecting on all of this is bittersweet. One more good week or one more misstep from our league leader and I’d be crowing about another title, even with a team I labeled as garbage from draft day on. My first round pick (WR Michael Thomas) was a dud. Yahoo forced two TEs and two kickers onto my team, which should have ruined me completely. I even had WR Jalen Reagor briefly on my team, and we’ve proven this year that you can’t win with any Eagles right now. And yet, thanks to genius coaching (MVP QB Aaron Rodgers as the 9th QB picked, folks) here I stand, just 50.5 pts out of first, wondering if one more move may have gotten me there (please note, I made 36 moves, most in the league, so it’s hard to imagine hitting the waiver wire more). There’s always next season, but to be this close to the trophy (but still six feet away, wearing a mask) is difficult.

That also means that, if I didn’t win, our champion is …

Bird Immunity (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2109.32 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2299.97 pts, 1st place
Actual ranking: 2247.38 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

Told you. I didn’t get many predictions right, but I nailed this one. Take that, Yahoo.

Our league now has its second three-time champion, with Mike returning to the top spot for the first time since 2008. He was also the inaugural winner of the Awesome Cup, and he pulls himself out of a tie with repeat champions Dad, Anthony and Sam to become the second-winningest coach of all time (behind my four league titles, of course, in case you missed that part in the last section).

Mike’s performance this year was laudable: When QB Dak Prescott went down (after handing him a ton of early points), Mike quickly shifted to backup plans Tom Brady and Ryan Tannehill, switching between them almost perfectly on a weekly basis. TE Darren Waller was a monster. RBs Chris Carson and Josh Jacobs were solid all year, and RB Nick Chubb came back at mid-season to boost the team’s bottom line. WRs AJ Brown, Robert Woods and Robby Anderson all threw in big numbers. I might have been able to catch him if the season was two weeks longer (and it almost was, thanks to postponed games) but in the end, Mike’s coaching savvy earns him another spot on the trophy.

That’s it folks. Thanks again for hanging in there through the pandemic nonsense and truly awful, awful football this season to keep playing. We’ll be back again at it late next summer, when hopefully we’ll be able to take off our masks and get together for indoor parties as we try and avoid the ramping hordes of murder hornets that have taken over the hemisphere. Until then, stay safe out there. 

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 17 recap

A lot of folks had problems with Eagles Coach Doug Pederson’s decision to tank Sunday night’s finale, but I thought he was pretty honest about it in his post-game press conference remarks. Here they are, with the appropriate emphasis that a lot of sports writers missed:

Yes, I was coaching to “win.” Yes that was my decision solely. Nate [Sudfeld] has obviously been here for four years and I felt that he deserved “an opportunity” to get some snaps. (wink)

Listen, if there is anyone out there (gestures towards New York) that thinks that I was not trying to win the game, you know, [TE Zach] Ertz is out there, [DE] Brandon Graham is out there, [CB] Darius Slay is “out” there. All our “top” guys are still on the field at the end, so we were going to “win” the game.

Pretty simple, the “plan” this week (wink, nod) was to get Nate some time and I felt it was “the time” to get him in the game.

Look, you know how I feel about Carson Wentz, I've got the utmost “respect” for him and I feel like we can, together, get these things “corrected.” I still have total faith, total trust in (coughs) Carson Wentz (coughs) and myself together to get the job done.

It’s clear enough to me what he wanted to do and where he stands on the future.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Patrick Mahomes, 450.80 pts — 1st QB drafted (Bob)
2nd place: Josh Allen, 469.66 pts — 10th QB drafted (Sam)
1st place: Aaron Rodgers, 478.96 pts — 9th QB drafted (me)

Once again, take this as a lesson as to why you should never draft a QB in the first round. Yes, Bob got good value out of Mahomes there. But he could have gotten even more points out of Rodgers, who was taken seven rounds and 67 players later. Ravens QB Lamar Jackson, the other QB taken in the first round, was only the 10th best QB in our league, and posted 12 more fantasy points than Kik Cousins, who went undrafted and unsigned for the season.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Stefon Diggs, 214.43 pts — 32nd WR drafted (Dad)
2nd place: Tyreek Hill, 245.37 pts — 3rd WR drafted (Bob)
1st place: Davante Adams, 255.10 pts — 2nd WR drafted (me)

I still have no idea why everyone had Diggs rated so low, but he made the league pay. He led all of football in targets, catches and receiving yds. Beyond that, though, most of the other elite wideouts were gone early this year. Of the top 15, 12 were drafted in rounds two through six. Shout out to Saints WR Michael Thomas, my #1 overall pick, who ended the year as the 102nd best fantasy wideout, just ahead of Lions WR Quintez Cephus, who you never heard of before this moment.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Dalvin Cook, 303.77 pts — 6th RB drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Alvin Kamara, 312.98 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Jo)
1st place: Derrick Henry, 319.80 pts — 5th RB drafted (Paul)
Henry became only the 8th player in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yds in a season on Sunday, logging his third 200-plus yds rushing game of the season as the Titans clinched the AFC South. Henry led the league in rushing yds, rushing attempts and rushing TDs, so … yeah, probably should have taken him over RB Christian McCaffery (1st RB drafted, 53rd in pts scored).

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Robert Tonyan, 131.07 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Darren Waller, 186.23 pts — 5th TE drafted (Mike)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 213.06 pts — 2nd TE drafted (Jeff)

Tonyan at third place on this list says less about him and more about the awfulness of the TE position this year. Only five TEs were within 100 pts of Kelce this season, who had 1,416 yds receiving and would have been the 4th best WR if we dropped him in that category. Waller would have been the #8 WR, and actually had two more catches (107) than Kelce (but 220 fewer yds). Meanwhile, no other TEs in the league topped 800 yds or 75 catches on the year.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Tyler Bass, 157.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Younghoe Koo, 168.00 pts — 7th K drafted (Paul)
1st place: Jason Sanders, 172.00 pts — undrafted

But wait, there’s more bad news! Only three of the top 10 kickers on the year were drafted, and only five of them were signed on fantasy teams before the end of the year. So congrats to everyone (myself included) who drafted a kicker before the 10th round, it was a total waste of time.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Indianapolis, 159.00 pts — 16th DEF drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Pittsburgh, 159.00 pts — 3rd DEF drafted (Jo)
1st place: LA Rams, 165.00 pts — 11th DEF drafted (Mom D)

Last season, the top fantasy defense was the Patriots, with 256 pts. The year before, Chicago hit 200 pts exactly. This season, the best defense (the Rams) fell 35 pts short of that mark. On the other end of the scale, Detroit posted the worst fantasy total in this category all year, with 21 total pts across 16 games. They never topped 10 fantasy pts in any single week and had as many negative games (five) as games about 4 pts.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: Roquan Smith, 66.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Marlon Humphrey, 69.50 pts — undrafted
1st place: Devin White, 72.50 pts — undrafted

Defensive players, man. One day we’ll all figure out the secret to getting good ones.

QB: Cam Newton, 43.35 pts — on the wire
WR: Brandin Cooks, 29.07 pts — started by Sam
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 37.87 pts — started by Ant
TE: Darren Waller, 18.80 pts — started by Mike
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 17.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: LA Rams, 25.00 pts — on Mike’s bench
D: Maxx Crosby, 11.50 pts — on the wire

In what may be his final game for the Patriots, Newton delivered a beatdown to the lowly Jets, with 242 passing yds, 3 passing TDs, 79 rushing yds and a 19-yard TD catch. Looking forward to seeing him in a Lions uniform next year after that franchise foolishly trades away QB Matt Stafford.

Taylor actually outrushed Henry on the week, totaling 253 yards on 30 carries (as opposed to Henry’s measly 250 yds on 34 carries). His 11-win Colts are the 7th seed in the playoffs, and would have missed out on the postseason if not for the extra spot added this season. If Miami had won, the Colts would have been the first team ever to miss the playoffs despite 11 wins. As it is, they’ll just be the first team eliminated on Saturday.

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Matt Schaub, -0.40 pts — on the wire
4th place: Adrian Killins, -0.57 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Tim Boyle, -0.90 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nate Sudfeld, -1.52 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kendall Hinton, -2.78 pts — on the wire

Too little, too late: Eagles third-string QB Sudfeld made a bid in the dying moments of the season to grab the title of the worst player of the year, producing two turnovers in his first five plays of action in the fourth quarter of the team’s miserable finale. But a few late rushes and completions gave him just enough points to fall behind Hinton, the WR turned emergency QB for the Broncos the week they had four signal callers sidelined by coronavirus. In Sudfeld’s defense, as someone who has played QB in the past, it was probably too much for him to be as bad as a player who had never run the position. So they best he could do is be almost as bad as a complete newbie.

Sudfeld is the second Eagle on the worst performers list. Killins fumbled on his only carry of the season, during the second half of Philly’s win over San Francisco in week 5. That’s a pair of rare missteps by an Eagles offense that ran near perfectly for the rest of the year.


** From ESPN last Wednesday: “While dancing around to celebrate his team's win in the Duke's Mayo Bowl, Wisconsin QB Graham Mertz dropped the football-shaped piece of Lenox crystal, leaving it shattered on the floor of the locker room after it fell off its base.”

The team and the sponsors laughed off the destruction of the trophy, which valued at somewhere in the five-figure range. But this isn’t the first time a crystal football trophy has been wrecked by a collegiate football team, which begs the question: Why the hell are you giving fragile crystal trophies to college football players? Make the dumb things out of steel, or aluminum, or mayonnaise, or something that doesn’t cost $10K-plus and shatters easily.

Seriously, Wisconsin and Minnesota play every year for a replica of Paul Bunyan’s axe, which they swing around after victory. Do not trust these guys with anything glass-based.

** On Saturday night, NFL.com had a story with the headline “Picking teams that will make the playoffs” which featured a photo mash-up of Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald (weird pick, not one of their top two stars), Rams DE Aaron Donald, Maryland Football Team DE Chase Young and Eagles QB Jalen Hurts.

One of these things is not like the other…

Eleven teams had a chance to seal a playoff spot on Sunday. Not sure I would have featured the Eagles, eliminated a week earlier, over those other eight squads. But, I also wouldn’t have made the four-win Eagles the game of the week for the NFL, so I obviously don’t know football.

** Maryland Football Team Coach Ron Rivera, after his team was gifted a division title by the Eagles:

"You apologize for losing in the playoffs, but you don't apologize for getting in."

Naw, man, your team is 7-9. You should apologize for something.

Now that the regular season is complete, here is a partial list of folks for whom I have no sympathy: 

** The New Jersey Giants: They could have gotten into the playoffs with an Eagles win over Washington. They also could have gotten into the playoffs if they won seven games, or if they did better than 2-8 outside the division. So, maybe next time, don’t suck so much and you may deserve a playoff spot.

** The Arizona Cardinals: They could have made the playoffs with a win in the last week. Instead, they lost to the Rams, who were playing without their #1 QB, their #1 RB and their #2 WR. And they lost by double digits. It’s worth noting that the 8-8 Cardinals were a hail mary and a last-minute TD against the Eagles away from being a 6-10 team.

** Jets coach Adam Gase: He was bad at winning (9-23 in two years in New Jersey) and bad a losing (won two of the team’s last four games, with the #1 pick on the line.). You really need to be good at one or the other.

** The Miami Dolphins: Is it fair that they won 10 games and missed the playoffs, while a seven-win NFC East team got in? No. But you would have gotten in with 11 wins, and you could have had that total if you didn’t lose to a garbage Patriots team in the opener. Miami hasn’t swept a single season against New England since 2000. They don’t deserve the playoffs until they do.

** Boston fans: Do you realize this is the first time since 1993 that the Patriots and Red Sox have both had a losing record in the same calendar year? Don’t you just feel terrible for the incomparable pain they’ve had to endure? Thoughts and prayers, folks.

For the final anagram of the season we have the newest Cowboy of them all: Offensive Tackle William Sweet, a second-year pro activated from the practice squad for the first time this week. And despite his newness to the Dallas squad, his name can tell you everything you need to know about his team:

William Sweet
** We lame, I wilts

Not enough? Let me spell it out a little more for you...

OT William Sweet
** Team lies, low wit

Still not enough? Well, if you insist:

New OT William Sweet
** Will smite a tween. Ow!

OK, ok, one more, but only because it’s the end of the season:

New Dallas OT William Sweet
** A lewd latte: I wallow in mess

Remember in the off season that even if the insult anagram machine is resting, the Cowboys hatred for all things pure and good doesn’t take a break. Be vigilant, my friends.

** Another solid week of picks from me earns me the season title over Dad. It’s the fourth time in the last five years I’ve bested the old man, and it comes with an accurate pick percentage this year of more than 68 percent (163-76). Yet again, that’s better than all nine experts on ESPN’s weekly panel. And yet, somehow, I never get a call from them.

** So, we’re all rooting for the Chiefs again, I guess?


Week 17 standings

The final league standings, and the winner of this year’s Awesome Cup, will be announced later this week.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 16 recap

Here’s what Santa brought some NFL notables for Christmas this year:

** Raiders WR Nelson Agholor — A new set of sticky gloves and an offensive that respects him.

** Bills QB Josh Allen — A division title, the first one since 1995.

** Jaguars owner Shahid Khan — The soul of Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence.

** Maryland football team QB Dwayne Haskins — Lots and lots of free time.

** Titans RB Derrick Henry — A battering ram, in case his current helmet is getting worn down.

** Patriots QB Tom Brady — Another vial of unicorn blood to keep him young.

** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson — Coal. Lots of coal.

QB: Josh Allen, 40.30 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 32.97 pts — started by me
RB: Alvin Kamara, 54.13 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 18.60 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Jason Sanders, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Randy Gregory, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Hello, Alvin Kamara. The #2 pick in our draft this year jumped into the top RB fantasy performer of the year this week with an absurd 155 yards rushing and six — yes, six — TDs. He tied the all-time NFL single game rushing TD mark (set by the Chicago Cardinals’ Ernie Nevers in 1929, but you already knew that) and recorded the most points by any fantasy player in our league since 2010 (when Mike Vick had 57.37 pts sitting on my bench, dammit).

Sporting News has this as the second-best performance by a fantasy RB all time, just behind Denver RB Clinton Portis’ 5 TD, 218-yds rushing, 36-yds receiving game in 2003. And, as great as Kamara has been over the years, it’s only the third 100-plus-yds rushing game of his four-year career (he usually does his damage in the short passing game). So, you know, maybe try to draft him next year.

Not on this week’s list: Bills WR Stefon Diggs, who had 9 catches for 145 yds and 3 TDs in Monday night’s embarrassment of the Patriots. Diggs was two catches and 0.8 pts behind Adams, but he deserves a special shout out here, because his huge night propelled me to a fantasy title in my big money league (it’s not that much money, but it’s more than the Awesome Cup payout). That makes me a champion in three different leagues over the last five years. I await your praise and admiration.

Diggs leads the league in yards (1,459) and receptions (120) and was traded at the start of the season for a 2020 first-round pick, a 2020 fifth-round pick, a 2020 sixth-round pick and a 2021 fourth-round pick. Basically, the Eagles could have had him instead of WR Jalen Reagor, WR John Hightower and LB Shaun (not Shawn) Bradley. Or the could have traded Reagor, S K'Von Wallace, and other loose change for Cardinals WR DeAndre Hopkins, currently second in the league in receptions (111) and third in yards (1,372). But in the end, they chose their own scouting savvy over surefire receiving threats. And that’s why we are where we are.

That, and Randy Gregory, the Dallas DE who forced three fumbles and totaled 1.5 sacks against the pathetic Eagles to get on the list this week.

“Such bad defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — started by Bob
1st place: (tie) Houston, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Shout out to Bob, who again had two negative scoring defenses to choose from this week (Minnesota was a -2.00 on his bench). And Mike had an impressive 13-point swing with his defenses, opting for the bottom-dwelling Texans over 7.00 pts from the Rams.

Also, it’s just nice to see the Patriots with a losing record and a loser defense. I know there’s a lot wrong with the world now, but that just feels right.

** Hey, did you know the Steelers won the AFC North this weekend? You did if you watched the Eagles game on Sunday. The Fox crew running the game had a “breaking news banner regarding the Steelers’ victory running every 30 seconds from the start of the Eagles game at 4:25 until the start of the second quarter, at 5:10 p.m.

Yes, that’s a significant playoff berth. No, it had no relevance to the Eagles game. Yes, it’s worth some kind of alert for football viewers. No, after the first 20 minutes, I don’t need more updates on that one particular fact, especially when there were three other games going, including one with actual relevance to the NFC East.

** Speaking of the Eagles game, Fox analyst Jonathan Vilma commented after a run by Ezekiel Elliot that despite a few games missed to injury “He looks really good. He has a burst that he has been missing for a while.”

Vilma’s comment came on the second run of the game by the Cowboys, with Elliot totaling 6 yds on his two handles. So, for future reference, two middling runs equals Pro-Bowl form from now on.

** The NFL made the Eagles/Maryland Football Squad game the final Sunday night game of the year next week because Maryland can clinch a division title and because the NFL really, really, really hates its fans. 

Also, I take it as a personal attack that the NFL is making this Eagles season four hours longer than it needs to be. 

  

What to do next Sunday night instead of watching the Eagles finale:

** Start your draft prep for next year: It’s never too early to start the quest for the 2021 Awesome Cup. Should Kamara be the #1 overall pick? What do you do with often-injured Giants RB Saquon Barkley? Will the Eagles have a single player you can stomach drafting next year?

** Write your own Eagles anagrams: Channel that inner rage into creativity. For example, “Eagles retain Carson Wentz” turns into “Realize a wrong stance, nest.” Could that use work? Sure! Get to it instead of watching what might be Wentz’ final Philly game.

** Gouge your eyes out with glass: Unclear if this would be more or less painful than watching the game. It may be a wash.

** Relive classic Eagles games: The DeSean Jackson Miracle at the Meadowlands is available right here. Remember when he and the Eagles used to be good? Now you can! 

** Cry: Sometimes it’s best to let it all out.

As the season drags on and their roster thins out, even the Cowboys with their revolving door of goons finds themselves in need of some new bodies. That’s why practice squad RB Sewo Olonilua was promoted to the active roster two weeks ago. Well, that and because of what his name says about him as a player:

New Dallas RB Sewo Olonilua
** No one worse. Alas, a wild bull.

See, I could have just noted that “Sewo Olonilua” anagrams perfectly to “Lo, woolie anus” but this is a family-friendly blog and I won’t stoop that low.

(Also “I unloose a owl” but that just doesn’t make any sense.)

** Another positive week for Dad, but time is running out. He picked up two to pull within eight games of me, setting up a “Can I pick any games right” final week of the season for our family title of best football prognosticator. The excitement is as overwhelming as the Eagles pass defense. Or is the word “overwhelmed”?

** Dad made me watch “Santa Jaws” after the Eagles game on Sunday and it made more sense and was better to watch than the birds. And that is not a compliment to “Santa Jaws.”

** I know, this column has been long enough, but the Cheeze-It Bowl is happening as I post this and you really, really need to go read this Golf Digest (yes, golf) article on the 2018 Cheeze-It Bowl because ohmigawd.  

Week 16 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 2104.80 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 2,044.89 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 2,007.89 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,980.32 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,936.01 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,888.31 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,822.53 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,822.18 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,746.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,538.43 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,360.99 pts

This is it, folks. One week left, and I have at least a fleeting chance of climbing back on top of the heap. My huge performance (168.67 pts, tops this week) leaves me just 60 pts out of first place, an unrealistic but not impossible hill to climb in a single weekend of games (I picked up 47 pts on Mike this week alone). Jeff is almost 100 pts down, a deficit we’ve never seen overcome in a single week. Joanna’s noteworthy 163-pts week puts her in the mix for a medal, but probably not the gold.

The 9, 10 and 11 spots are already locked in. Everybody else is playing for pride. Remember, there are no losers in this league, except for the 10 teams that don’t finish in first.

No Thursday game this week. No Friday or Saturday games. No Monday games. All 16 games are scheduled for Sunday, in a final hurray to a disjointed and messy season. So get your rosters ready one last time.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 15 recap

The Pro Bowl rosters were announced this week, and as always the snubs are the biggest headline of the whole exercise. Here’s a look at a few of the players left off in what can only be described as unforgivable mistakes by the league:

** Eagles QB Carson Wentz: The former Pro-Bowl passer leads the league in four categories, the only QB in either the AFC or NFC to boast that kind of excellence. Nevermind that those four categories are interceptions, sacks, sack yards lost and lowest QB rating among players with eight-plus starts. Leading the league in anything is impressive.

** Jets RB Frank Gore: No Jets made the roster, likely a reflection of their 1-13 record on the season. But that criminally underrates Gore, who left this weekend with 605 rushing yds on the season, good enough for 25th place. That doesn’t sound impressive until you remember that Gore has been playing for over 100 years, since before the league began. Any senior citizen who can crack the league’s top 25 list deserves some props.

** Buccaneers QB Tom Brady: Once again, the league continues to disrespect #12, leaving him off the Pro Bowl roster by nitpicking stats. Is his QB rating low? Sure (14th in the league). Are his interceptions high? Sure (Tied for 6th). But is his team winning? Kind of (they’d be the 5th seed if the playoffs started today). One of these years, the NFL is finally going to give him the recognition he deserves.

** Raiders TE Jason Witten: His impact on the field has been minimal this year — just 11 catches for 57 yds — but Monday Night Football has gotten 2,000 percent better since he left the booth. Sometimes excellence is measured in absence, not contributions.

** Dolphins S Clayton Fejedelem: Is he the best defensive back in the league? No, not even close. Is he the best special teams player in the league? No. But does he have the best name in the league? Yes. And isn’t that what the Pro Bowl is really all about, especially since they aren’t playing a real game this year?

QB: Jalen Hurts, 43.82 pts — on Mom’s bench
WR: Calvin Ridley, 21.87 pts — started by Bob
RB: David Montgomery, 28.17 pts — started by me
TE: Darren Waller, 20.50 pts — started by Mike
K: Cairo Santos, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
D: Devin White, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Exactly as I predicted back in August, Hurts takes his place atop the top performers list this week with the ninth-highest scoring performance of any week so far this season. His 338 passing TDs, 63 rushing yds and four TDs without a turnover weren’t enough to will the Eagles to a win, but they were enough to make you wonder what the hell was so wrong with Carson Wentz that he could do anything with this same offense.

In just two starts and three games of real action at the QB position, Hurts has already passed Jimmy Garoppolo (six starts), Dwayne Haskins (five starts), and Alex Smith (five starts) for total fantasy pts on the year. And if he can beat Dallas next week, I’m sure the team will build a statue for him, before proceeding to bad mouth him all season and call for his benching after one bad start next year.

Meanwhile, Titans RB Derrick Henry only had 24.03 pts this week and only leads the league in rushing by 195 yds. If he can squeeze out 321 yds in his last two games (he’s averaging 112, so that would be a stretch) he can break the 2,000 yds mark, which unlike all the passing records is still an impressive mark.

“On the wire” edition

2nd place: (tie) Denver, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -4.00 pts — on the wire

For some reason all of the fantasy football prediction machines had the 49ers defense as a solid play this week, even though their offense has looked awful and the Cowboys offense has shown signs of life. I ended up benching them in my other league in favor of Miami playing a confusing Patriots team, and it ended up being a 13-point swing in a game where I won by 17. So, that’s another point for me, and no points for the experts.

Jacksonville’s defense, the fourth worst in fantasy this season, was not started by anyone. They’re the lowest rostered defense in all of Yahoo, with less than 1 percent of all leagues having someone who picked them up. For comparison, Raiders WR Tyrell Williams, who was injured before the season and has not played a single down this year, is rostered in 2 percent of leagues.

** Texas A&M Coach Jimbo Fisher, whose team narrowly missed out on the college football championship playoffs, said before the selections were made for the top four teams in the nation that his crew deserved to be in there, even if they didn’t make their conference championship game.

“We’re 8-1 in the SEC,” Fisher said. “We lost to the No. 1 team in the country. I want to see somebody else go 8-1 in this league.”

Well, Jimbo, you got your wish. Alabama went 10-0 in the conference this year, which, even by SEC math, is better than 8-1. Florida went 8-2, but they were also 8-1 before they played in the championship game and lost. Georgia went 7-2 but likely would have an 8th win in the conference if not for the coronavirus postponement of their game against 0-9 Vanderbilt, one of those impressive SEC wins that Texas A&M  is bragging about.

If all you’re looking for out of the college football playoffs is the answer to “who is the best team in the SEC,” we already have a tournament for that. It’s called the regular season. Sorry it didn’t work out for you.

** Former CB Aqib Talib, now a Fox football commentator, complimented Eagles QB Jalen Hurts during Sunday’s loss when he threw the ball away on a broken play: “That was a good job getting nothing on that play instead of a loss.”

I get it, and yes, it’s important to let Eagles fans know you are allowed to throw the ball away after a long season of watching Wentz eat the ball over and over again. But the phrase “good job getting nothing” is never going to sound like a real compliment. It’s really just a kinder way of saying “Way to limit your sucking.”

** Following their first win of the season on Sunday, Jets coach Adam Gase said that he was “just so happy for our guys … they’ve done such a great job with how they’ve worked.”

No, not they haven’t. That’s exactly why you were 0-13. They’ve done a terrible, terrible job all season long.

It’s college bowl season again, which always begs the question: If the NFL operated in the same way as the NCAA, who would get invited to the post-season? Here’s a look at the possibilities: 

** The Cheez-It Bowl
Was Miami vs OK State, now Green Bay vs. Maryland
You can’t have a cheese bowl without the cheeseheads, and for all we know the Maryland Football Team’s name is gonna be the DC Goudas. So it all fits the theme.

** Goodyear Cotton Bowl
Was Oklahoma vs. Florida, now Jets vs. Jacksonville
Like tires made out of cotton, neither of these teams are good for anything. So let’s make them battle for the #1 draft pick next year and see just how sad it is.

** TransPerfect Music City Bowl
Was Iowa vs. Missouri, now Tennessee vs. Pittsburgh
Organizers love to get a team with a local connection, so the Titans are a must. And the Steelers went from 11-0 to 11-3 in a blink, which seems like a transperfect record to me.

** Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Was Nevada vs. Tulane, now Cowboys vs. Raiders
Two teams that are famous for reasons that no one can remember play in a game sponsored by a product that is allegedly famous for reasons that no one can remember.

** College Football Playoff semifinal
Was Alabama vs. Notre Dame, now Kansas City vs. Alabama
Somehow, even when they aren’t really eligible, Alabama always ends up in these games.

Mercifully, we're almost at the end of the season. But before we get there, we have one last epic mashup between the nexus of all evil (Cowboys) and their classic rival (the remains of what was once the Eagles) in a showdown that will define their place in the NFC East. And this sentence tells it all, twice: 

The Eagles-Cowboys tilt Sunday will decide the last place finisher
** Cynic: eh, either way, it’s all bad. Two sets of dung piles. I elect hell. 

Go ahead, check it. It's all there. 

And it's not great, folks. Just two games left. 

** Another positive week for Dad, who picked up two of three games and now sits just 10 down in our picks contest. It’s still a long haul for him to catch up, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about a two-point conversion at the moment.

** Seriously, though, the Steelers and Rams shouldn’t get to play in the postseason after those two losses.

** I’m in the championship game in my big money (also known as “more than zero dollars”) league, so you can’t depress me with the standings below. Everybody root for Lamar Jackson and Dalvin Cook next week.

Week 15 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,983.34 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,895.16 pts
3 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1,876.22 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,859.75 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,816.57 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,757.78 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D) 1,719.30 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,675.09 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,602.82 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,487.27 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,278.60 pts

This is Mike’s league right now, we’re just playing in it. He has a 100-plus-pts lead in the standings with just two weeks left, and keeps getting stronger with each game. Jeff leapfrogged me to get back into second, and Bob is lingering just on the outskirts of possibility down there in fourth. After that, it looks like playing for pride.

Speaking of pride, Mom couldn’t pull the trigger on starting Hurts this week, but she got huge points from QB Matt Ryan and the rest of her crew to pull herself towards the middle of the pack. Dad is only two behind … in the contest to see who can make the most roster moves. But I’m not sure he can win that title either.

This week, as a Christmas present to you, the fans, the NFL will have games on Friday (at 430pm) and Saturday (at 1pm, 430pm, and 815pm) and Sunday and Monday night but not Thursday but maybe Tuesday if there are problems and I don’t know anymore just set your rosters tomorrow and pray for mercy.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 14 recap

Trying to explain the Eagles’ (13th best record in the NFC coming into the game) improbable win over the Saints (best record in the NFC coming into the game) on Sunday:

** Maybe the absence of QB Drew Brees is a bigger loss for New Orleans than is has seemed in recent weeks, and Sunday was the day the offense missed him the most and the defense .. got depressed and also stunk?

** Maybe after cornering the market on terrible play all year, the NFC East began emitting bad vibes to the rest of the league in the last month, which would also explain the division’s 5-3 record over the last two weeks?

** Maybe the refs accidentally reversed the score in the fourth-quarter, and the Eagles actually lost 21-24, which would be in line with the rest of the season?

** Maybe 2020 realized that New Orleans was the one part of the country not hating every part of life right now and had to make a correction?

** Maybe with a marginally competent QB, the Eagles could have been a playoff contender this year?

QB: Lamar Jackson, 36.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Tyreek Hill, 21.97 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.97 pts — started by Paul
TE: Travis Kelce, 19.07 pts — started by Jeff
K: Rodrigo Blankenship, 14.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: (tie) LA Rams, 24.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: (tie) Maryland Football Squad, 24.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Haason Reddick, 18.50 pts — on the wire

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers had 36.90 pts, which was great because I had to redo this part of the column at the last minute on Tuesday for a whopping 0.02 pts difference. 

Maryland Football Squad DE Chase Young had an unbelievable game on Sunday: Two tackles, one sack, two passes defended, a forced fumble, a 47-yard fumble recovery touchdown. And he doesn’t make the list of top performers. That’s because Reddick, a linebacker for Arizona, had five sacks — 1-2-3-4-5 sacks — and three forced fumbles in the game against the Giants.

Titans RB Henry rushed for 215 yds on Sunday, his second 200-plus rushing game of the season, and now sits atop the league with 1,532 yds on the ground this season. He’s 180 yds ahead of the second-place rusher (Dalvin Cook) and nearly 500 yds ahead of the only other player to top 1,000 yds so far this season (Jaguars RB James Robinson, and I have no idea how we’re talking about a Jacksonville player on any top players list).

With just three games left in the season, there’s realistically only a chance for six more RBs to hit that 1,000-yds rushing mark (800 yds or more so far). Meanwhile, 10 wideouts have already passed that mark, and 12 more are within 200 yds of that mark. I’m starting to feel like it might be a passing league now…

“Loser defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Detroit, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Las Vegas, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Strong outing by the Raiders, who just a few weeks ago looked poised to upset the Chief and make the playoffs. Since losing that game by 4 pts to the defending Super Bowl champs, Las Vegas has dropped three more in a row, including a drubbing by the Colts where they recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and gave up 44 pts. They’re defense has been worth -7 fantasy pts in the last four games, and they’re now tied with the Lions for the worst fantasy total for the season, with 21 pts.

But, even with all of that, both of those teams may still have had a better game than the Jets, who played so poorly that Seattle benched its starters after reaching a 37-3 lead … with three minutes left in the third quarter. The Jets faced second- and third-stringers for the final 18 minutes of game time and still got outscored 3-0.

I’m starting to suspect that the 0-13 Jets aren’t very good.


** Buffalo RB Jaret Patterson surpassed 1,000 rushing yards in just his fifth game of the season on Saturday. During the CBS halftime show, college football analyst Rick Neuheisel noted that achievement was “the earliest anyone has ever rushed for 1,000 yards in, um, some time.”

Thanks for the insight there. Pretty much the only job of the halftime hosts is to give stats and scores. Patterson actually set a new NCAA record with those rushing totals, something that seems pretty easy for a massive operation with an entire research staff. After all, they have … (checks notes) … some millions at their disposal to look up their stuff.

** At the start of Sunday’s Dolphins-Chiefs game, CBS analyst and one-time extra-point fumbler Tony Romo listed his keys for each team to win the game. Atop the list for Miami: “Throw outside the numbers.” Atop the list for Kansas City: “Make Miami throw outside the numbers.”

Oddly enough, neither team really followed the advice and one of them still won.

** Following Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks, which made the Jets 0-13, QB Sam Darnold said he isn’t sure what his future with the team is but “I love it here. I love the people here. I've always said it, that I want to be a Jet for life.”

I can’t decide if it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or just the saddest.

Playoff clinching scenarios for week 15: 

— The Steelers win the AFC North if they defeat the Bengals on Monday night.

— The Saints can clinch the NFC South if they defeat the Chiefs on Sunday afternoon.

— The Titans can clinch the AFC South with a win over the Lions and the cancellation of the Colts final three games because of the pandemic.

— The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win over the Cardinals and the league invalidating all of the Giants and Maryland Football teams’ wins because of social distancing protocols.

— The Jets can clinch a playoff berth if the pandemic kills off at least 18 other teams.

— The Patriots can win the Super Bowl if the league cancels the season and hands them the trophy again, which, honestly, is exactly where it feels like we’re heading this year.

The Cowboys, losers of six of their last seven games and desperate for a jolt of energy, promoted CB Saivion Smith to the active roster this week to help shore up their sagging defense. Officials are hopeful his positive attitude can help ignite a spark. But remember what positive energy means to the most evil team in sports history — here’s what Smith thinks of the squad:

Dallas backup Cornerback Saivion Smith
** A crock, a sham. Bad vision, blacken lip rust

Remember, you can’t spell Saivion without “I so vain.” Or was it “I no visa.” Whatever.

** Good news for Dad: He finally won a week! The old man went 3-1 against me to drop his deficit in the season picks to a mere 12 games. Only his unrelenting faith in New Jersey teams (this time, the Giants) kept him from going 4-0. If he can keep up the current pace, he’ll draw to a tie with me in six weeks. And with how the season has gone so far, there really is no guarantee that we won’t have three extra weeks of football to make up for missed games...

** NFL owners will meet Wednesday to talk about expanding the regular season to 17 games next year. That number is seen as a potential sweet spot for teams because it would allow for two bye weeks over the course of the season, which could mean more rest for players which could mean that money money money money money money money.

** Pro Bowl voting ends on Thursday, so this is your last chance to vote for Dolphins LB Andrew Van Ginkle to make the team. Also, let me know if you need a “Ginkle makes you go Rip Van Winkle!” shirt, I may have overestimated demand for them.

Week 14 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1858.58 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1760.87 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1739.70 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1727.72 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1704.95 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1661.65 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1570.62 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1559.60 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1493.80 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1396.58 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1176.10 pts

A huge, huge week for the Garbage Bags sends my squad rocketing up the standings and leaves me out of first place by a mere … 97 pts. Ouch. Mike’s squad continues to pour it on and is now 100-plus pts clear of everyone (except me, as I just mentioned), a comfortable (but not insurmountable) lead down the stretch of the NFL season.

Jeff and Bob remain within striking distance of silver medal place. Jo and Sam are both beginning to face after some mid-season spark. Everybody else is as far back from first as they are from outrushing Derrick Henry this year.

Good news for this week: Not only is there an inconvenient Thursday night game to watch, but there are two Saturday night games as well. That’s three weirdly timed games where you can forget to set your players and lose the week before it even starts! So, remember to check those rosters early.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 13 recap

On Sunday, following the Eagles fourth straight loss, Philly QB Carson Wentz (who had been benched for poor play in the second half) was seen on the sidelines talking to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, who a few moments earlier threw the 400th TD pass of his sure-to-be Hall of Fame career. On-field microphones did not pick up details of the conversation, but our inside sources managed to get a few snippets of what they talked about:

** Rodgers: “Don’t worry about sitting on the bench. I did that for my first three years, and you have a lot of time to nap and stretch over there ...”

** Wentz: “I noticed that when your receivers weren’t open, you threw the ball over to the sidelines? Why? Aren’t you supposed to try and run through the entire defense yourself?”

** Rogers: “That Hurts guy seems OK. I mean, he looks like he has seen a football before, unlike, you know, some other people.”

** Wentz: “Hey, what’s it like having an offensive line?”

** Rodgers: “So, have you tried, like, not sucking? That might help.”

QB: Josh Allen, 38.10 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by me
RB: David Montgomery, 23.80 pts — started by me
TE: Darren Waller, 31.83 pts — started by Mike
K: Harrison Butker, 17.50 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 36.00 pts — on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Adams and Montgomery each had a pair of TDs on Sunday, but got upstaged by Waller’s 200-yd, two-TD performance in the Raiders’ win. Through the first 11 weeks of the season, there was only one 200-yd receiving performance (Seahawks WR Tyler Lockett in week 7). Now we’ve had back-to-back weeks with one, following Chiefs WR Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous 269 in week 12.

This is the third time in the last four weeks the top defense has come from the waiver wire garbage pile. The Patriots against the Chargers managed three sacks, two turnovers, a blocked kick which turned into a TD and a punt return for another. Oh, they also pitched a shutout. New England’s defense had been worth 35 pts over its last eight games combined, so, sure I guess we should have seen that coming.

“On the bench” edition

3rd place: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, -0.40 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Tennessee, -4.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -5.00 pts — on Jo’s bench

I know I’ve written this before, but the Titans as a team are confounding this year. In their last nine weeks, their defense has been worth 9 pts or more (good!) three times and worth less than zero pts (bad!) four times. And they won one of those games when their team let up 36 pts (week 6, vs Houston). They’re s shoo-in for the playoffs and also a possible one-and-done candidate if they have an off game on the wrong postseason day. Or they could make the AFC championship game again,

Special shout-out to Wentz, who scored 4.96 fantasy pts in what may be his last start of the year. It was the fourth lowest score of all 34 QBs who took a snap this week.

** On Sunday, Phillies executive John Middleton responded to rumors the team was considering trading Pitcher Zack Wheeler by telling reporters “If they offered me Babe Ruth, I wouldn't trade him.” He then added Ted Williams and Mike Schmidt too, saying that Wheeler was not being shopped.

Look, I think Wheeler is a solid player. But if we can go back in time and get any of those three hitters, it is definitely worth considering. Wheeler has a career ERA of 3.70. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. That’s really a trade that feels one-sided in favor of the Phillies.

** ESPN’s College Football Twitter account put out this Tweet on Monday: “Justin Fields had over 300 yards of total offense on Saturday. The Buckeye QB did what he had to do to keep the Buckeyes' CFP hopes alive.”

“Did what he had to do” is an odd way of saying “scored four TDs before getting pulled in the second half of a blowout victory,” but whatever.

** There’s a new trivia game show titled “The Chase” starring Jeopardy champions Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter and James Holzhauer. It pits contestants against them head-to-head and asks “can you take them down?”

No. I mean, why would I think I could? They’re three of the top Jeopardy champs. This isn’t “are you smarter than a fifth grader?” I might be able to get those snotty kids. But these guys? No.

Actual items for sale on NFL.com right now:

Cowboys 5-Pack Set of Shatterproof Ornaments ($17.59) — These will not break, unlike the Cowboys QBs this season.

Lions Santa Gnome ($19.99) — May or may not be a candidate for Detroit’s open head coaching job.

Seahawks Holiday Team Snowman Bed Pillow ($27.99) — Helps you drift off into a gentle rest, sort of like Seattle’s playoff dreams.

Bears Holiday Snowman Plush ($19.99) — It’s as soft as the Bears’ fourth quarter defense.

Eagles Glitter Wood Stump Ornament ($7.19) — It doesn't do much, it’s not fun to look at and it costs too much.

Giants Chimney Legs Tabletop Bobble Statue ($15.99) — It’s an ornament with a pair of Santa legs sticking out of a chimney. It’s the perfect metaphor for the team: They’re both incompetent and at the top of the heap. 

Even on a team such as the Cowboys, where the wanton evil runs rampant throughout the organization every day, the long season can wear players down. That’s especially true for specialty players like kickers, who don’t have much to do most days except hone their one particular subset of football skill. So what do they think of when their minds wander, looking to fulfill exciting dreams? For Punter Hunter Niswander, there’s an easy answer:

New Dallas Cowboys P Hunter Niswander
** Lo, now a wish: Bleed scorn, punt nerds away

Good to know that even their less important players are focused on hurting people and spreading ill-will in this holiday season.

** Brutal Sunday for Dad, who lost all three of the games we picked differently and fell to 14 down in the yearly standings of our head-to-head predictions contest. And yet again, one of the losses was a heartbreaker: The Bears choking away a lead to the Lions with less than a minute to go. I don't get all the games right, but I'm killing the old man in the toss-ups this year. 

** The Cleveland Browns are likely to be the #5 seed in the AFC when the playoffs start, given that they are three games behind the Steelers in the AFC North standings. But perhaps they deserve a higher seed and someone else’s home playoff game, since they’re already 4-0 against the NFC East and 4-0 against the AFC South this season.

** If the Eagles play their cards right, they could end up tied with the Bengals again … for the third overall pick in next year’s draft. Right now, only one win separates them.


Week 13 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,706.80 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,647.89 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,611.20 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1,602.67 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,595.75 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,546.35 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,449.68 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,424.22 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,386.14 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,296.34 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,083.71 pts

Mike’s starting QB and WR were on byes this week, and it didn’t matter: He still topped 150 pts and widened his grip on first place. With just four weeks left, he has a 60-pts lead on the field.

But … another solid week from me puts my garbage team in striking distance, along with Bob, Jo and Jeff. Sam’s team is fading but not completely gone yet. Everybody else is playing for pride.

Speaking of pride, the pride and joy of the NFL — the unnecessary Thursday night game — is back again this week. Patriots vs. Rams. Get your rosters set, even if your DVR isn’t.