** Raiders WR Nelson Agholor — A new set of sticky gloves and an offensive that respects him.
** Bills QB Josh Allen — A division title, the first one since 1995.
** Jaguars owner Shahid Khan — The soul of Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence.
** Maryland football team QB Dwayne Haskins — Lots and lots of free time.
** Titans RB Derrick Henry — A battering ram, in case his current helmet is getting worn down.
** Patriots QB Tom Brady — Another vial of unicorn blood to keep him young.
** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson — Coal. Lots of coal.
QB: Josh Allen, 40.30 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 32.97 pts — started by me
RB: Alvin Kamara, 54.13 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 18.60 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Jason Sanders, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Randy Gregory, 11.00 pts — on the wire
** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson — Coal. Lots of coal.
WR: Davante Adams, 32.97 pts — started by me
RB: Alvin Kamara, 54.13 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 18.60 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Jason Sanders, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Randy Gregory, 11.00 pts — on the wire
Hello, Alvin Kamara. The #2 pick in our draft this year jumped into the top RB fantasy performer of the year this week with an absurd 155 yards rushing and six — yes, six — TDs. He tied the all-time NFL single game rushing TD mark (set by the Chicago Cardinals’ Ernie Nevers in 1929, but you already knew that) and recorded the most points by any fantasy player in our league since 2010 (when Mike Vick had 57.37 pts sitting on my bench, dammit).
Sporting News has this as the second-best performance by a fantasy RB all time, just behind Denver RB Clinton Portis’ 5 TD, 218-yds rushing, 36-yds receiving game in 2003. And, as great as Kamara has been over the years, it’s only the third 100-plus-yds rushing game of his four-year career (he usually does his damage in the short passing game). So, you know, maybe try to draft him next year.
Not on this week’s list: Bills WR Stefon Diggs, who had 9 catches for 145 yds and 3 TDs in Monday night’s embarrassment of the Patriots. Diggs was two catches and 0.8 pts behind Adams, but he deserves a special shout out here, because his huge night propelled me to a fantasy title in my big money league (it’s not that much money, but it’s more than the Awesome Cup payout). That makes me a champion in three different leagues over the last five years. I await your praise and admiration.
Diggs leads the league in yards (1,459) and receptions (120) and was traded at the start of the season for a 2020 first-round pick, a 2020 fifth-round pick, a 2020 sixth-round pick and a 2021 fourth-round pick. Basically, the Eagles could have had him instead of WR Jalen Reagor, WR John Hightower and LB Shaun (not Shawn) Bradley. Or the could have traded Reagor, S K'Von Wallace, and other loose change for Cardinals WR DeAndre Hopkins, currently second in the league in receptions (111) and third in yards (1,372). But in the end, they chose their own scouting savvy over surefire receiving threats. And that’s why we are where we are.
That, and Randy Gregory, the Dallas DE who forced three fumbles and totaled 1.5 sacks against the pathetic Eagles to get on the list this week.
“Such bad defenses” edition
2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — started by Bob
1st place: (tie) Houston, -6.00 pts — started by Mike
Shout out to Bob, who again had two negative scoring defenses to choose from this week (Minnesota was a -2.00 on his bench). And Mike had an impressive 13-point swing with his defenses, opting for the bottom-dwelling Texans over 7.00 pts from the Rams.
Also, it’s just nice to see the Patriots with a losing record and a loser defense. I know there’s a lot wrong with the world now, but that just feels right.
** Hey, did you know the Steelers won the AFC North this weekend? You did if you watched the Eagles game on Sunday. The Fox crew running the game had a “breaking news banner regarding the Steelers’ victory running every 30 seconds from the start of the Eagles game at 4:25 until the start of the second quarter, at 5:10 p.m.
Yes, that’s a significant playoff berth. No, it had no relevance to the Eagles game. Yes, it’s worth some kind of alert for football viewers. No, after the first 20 minutes, I don’t need more updates on that one particular fact, especially when there were three other games going, including one with actual relevance to the NFC East.
** Speaking of the Eagles game, Fox analyst Jonathan Vilma commented after a run by Ezekiel Elliot that despite a few games missed to injury “He looks really good. He has a burst that he has been missing for a while.”
Vilma’s comment came on the second run of the game by the Cowboys, with Elliot totaling 6 yds on his two handles. So, for future reference, two middling runs equals Pro-Bowl form from now on.
** The NFL made the Eagles/Maryland Football Squad game the final Sunday night game of the year next week because Maryland can clinch a division title and because the NFL really, really, really hates its fans.
Sporting News has this as the second-best performance by a fantasy RB all time, just behind Denver RB Clinton Portis’ 5 TD, 218-yds rushing, 36-yds receiving game in 2003. And, as great as Kamara has been over the years, it’s only the third 100-plus-yds rushing game of his four-year career (he usually does his damage in the short passing game). So, you know, maybe try to draft him next year.
Not on this week’s list: Bills WR Stefon Diggs, who had 9 catches for 145 yds and 3 TDs in Monday night’s embarrassment of the Patriots. Diggs was two catches and 0.8 pts behind Adams, but he deserves a special shout out here, because his huge night propelled me to a fantasy title in my big money league (it’s not that much money, but it’s more than the Awesome Cup payout). That makes me a champion in three different leagues over the last five years. I await your praise and admiration.
Diggs leads the league in yards (1,459) and receptions (120) and was traded at the start of the season for a 2020 first-round pick, a 2020 fifth-round pick, a 2020 sixth-round pick and a 2021 fourth-round pick. Basically, the Eagles could have had him instead of WR Jalen Reagor, WR John Hightower and LB Shaun (not Shawn) Bradley. Or the could have traded Reagor, S K'Von Wallace, and other loose change for Cardinals WR DeAndre Hopkins, currently second in the league in receptions (111) and third in yards (1,372). But in the end, they chose their own scouting savvy over surefire receiving threats. And that’s why we are where we are.
That, and Randy Gregory, the Dallas DE who forced three fumbles and totaled 1.5 sacks against the pathetic Eagles to get on the list this week.
“Such bad defenses” edition2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — started by Bob
1st place: (tie) Houston, -6.00 pts — started by Mike
Shout out to Bob, who again had two negative scoring defenses to choose from this week (Minnesota was a -2.00 on his bench). And Mike had an impressive 13-point swing with his defenses, opting for the bottom-dwelling Texans over 7.00 pts from the Rams.
Also, it’s just nice to see the Patriots with a losing record and a loser defense. I know there’s a lot wrong with the world now, but that just feels right.
** Hey, did you know the Steelers won the AFC North this weekend? You did if you watched the Eagles game on Sunday. The Fox crew running the game had a “breaking news banner regarding the Steelers’ victory running every 30 seconds from the start of the Eagles game at 4:25 until the start of the second quarter, at 5:10 p.m.Yes, that’s a significant playoff berth. No, it had no relevance to the Eagles game. Yes, it’s worth some kind of alert for football viewers. No, after the first 20 minutes, I don’t need more updates on that one particular fact, especially when there were three other games going, including one with actual relevance to the NFC East.
** Speaking of the Eagles game, Fox analyst Jonathan Vilma commented after a run by Ezekiel Elliot that despite a few games missed to injury “He looks really good. He has a burst that he has been missing for a while.”
Vilma’s comment came on the second run of the game by the Cowboys, with Elliot totaling 6 yds on his two handles. So, for future reference, two middling runs equals Pro-Bowl form from now on.
** The NFL made the Eagles/Maryland Football Squad game the final Sunday night game of the year next week because Maryland can clinch a division title and because the NFL really, really, really hates its fans.
Also, I take it as a personal attack that the NFL is making this Eagles season four hours longer than it needs to be.
What to do next Sunday night instead of watching the Eagles finale:
** Start your draft prep for next year: It’s never too early to start the quest for the 2021 Awesome Cup. Should Kamara be the #1 overall pick? What do you do with often-injured Giants RB Saquon Barkley? Will the Eagles have a single player you can stomach drafting next year?
** Write your own Eagles anagrams: Channel that inner rage into creativity. For example, “Eagles retain Carson Wentz” turns into “Realize a wrong stance, nest.” Could that use work? Sure! Get to it instead of watching what might be Wentz’ final Philly game.
** Gouge your eyes out with glass: Unclear if this would be more or less painful than watching the game. It may be a wash.
** Relive classic Eagles games: The DeSean Jackson Miracle at the Meadowlands is available right here. Remember when he and the Eagles used to be good? Now you can!
** Cry: Sometimes it’s best to let it all out.
As the season drags on and their roster thins out, even the Cowboys with their revolving door of goons finds themselves in need of some new bodies. That’s why practice squad RB Sewo Olonilua was promoted to the active roster two weeks ago. Well, that and because of what his name says about him as a player:
New Dallas RB Sewo Olonilua
** No one worse. Alas, a wild bull.
See, I could have just noted that “Sewo Olonilua” anagrams perfectly to “Lo, woolie anus” but this is a family-friendly blog and I won’t stoop that low.
(Also “I unloose a owl” but that just doesn’t make any sense.)
** Another positive week for Dad, but time is running out. He picked up two to pull within eight games of me, setting up a “Can I pick any games right” final week of the season for our family title of best football prognosticator. The excitement is as overwhelming as the Eagles pass defense. Or is the word “overwhelmed”?
** Dad made me watch “Santa Jaws” after the Eagles game on Sunday and it made more sense and was better to watch than the birds. And that is not a compliment to “Santa Jaws.”
** I know, this column has been long enough, but the Cheeze-It Bowl is happening as I post this and you really, really need to go read this Golf Digest (yes, golf) article on the 2018 Cheeze-It Bowl because ohmigawd.
Week 16 standings
1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 2104.80 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 2,044.89 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 2,007.89 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,980.32 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,936.01 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,888.31 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,822.53 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,822.18 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,746.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,538.43 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,360.99 pts
This is it, folks. One week left, and I have at least a fleeting chance of climbing back on top of the heap. My huge performance (168.67 pts, tops this week) leaves me just 60 pts out of first place, an unrealistic but not impossible hill to climb in a single weekend of games (I picked up 47 pts on Mike this week alone). Jeff is almost 100 pts down, a deficit we’ve never seen overcome in a single week. Joanna’s noteworthy 163-pts week puts her in the mix for a medal, but probably not the gold.
The 9, 10 and 11 spots are already locked in. Everybody else is playing for pride. Remember, there are no losers in this league, except for the 10 teams that don’t finish in first.
No Thursday game this week. No Friday or Saturday games. No Monday games. All 16 games are scheduled for Sunday, in a final hurray to a disjointed and messy season. So get your rosters ready one last time.
** Start your draft prep for next year: It’s never too early to start the quest for the 2021 Awesome Cup. Should Kamara be the #1 overall pick? What do you do with often-injured Giants RB Saquon Barkley? Will the Eagles have a single player you can stomach drafting next year?
** Write your own Eagles anagrams: Channel that inner rage into creativity. For example, “Eagles retain Carson Wentz” turns into “Realize a wrong stance, nest.” Could that use work? Sure! Get to it instead of watching what might be Wentz’ final Philly game.
** Gouge your eyes out with glass: Unclear if this would be more or less painful than watching the game. It may be a wash.
** Relive classic Eagles games: The DeSean Jackson Miracle at the Meadowlands is available right here. Remember when he and the Eagles used to be good? Now you can!
** Cry: Sometimes it’s best to let it all out.
As the season drags on and their roster thins out, even the Cowboys with their revolving door of goons finds themselves in need of some new bodies. That’s why practice squad RB Sewo Olonilua was promoted to the active roster two weeks ago. Well, that and because of what his name says about him as a player: New Dallas RB Sewo Olonilua
** No one worse. Alas, a wild bull.
See, I could have just noted that “Sewo Olonilua” anagrams perfectly to “Lo, woolie anus” but this is a family-friendly blog and I won’t stoop that low.
(Also “I unloose a owl” but that just doesn’t make any sense.)
** Another positive week for Dad, but time is running out. He picked up two to pull within eight games of me, setting up a “Can I pick any games right” final week of the season for our family title of best football prognosticator. The excitement is as overwhelming as the Eagles pass defense. Or is the word “overwhelmed”?** Dad made me watch “Santa Jaws” after the Eagles game on Sunday and it made more sense and was better to watch than the birds. And that is not a compliment to “Santa Jaws.”
** I know, this column has been long enough, but the Cheeze-It Bowl is happening as I post this and you really, really need to go read this Golf Digest (yes, golf) article on the 2018 Cheeze-It Bowl because ohmigawd.
Week 16 standings 1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 2104.80 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 2,044.89 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 2,007.89 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,980.32 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,936.01 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,888.31 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,822.53 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,822.18 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,746.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,538.43 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,360.99 pts
This is it, folks. One week left, and I have at least a fleeting chance of climbing back on top of the heap. My huge performance (168.67 pts, tops this week) leaves me just 60 pts out of first place, an unrealistic but not impossible hill to climb in a single weekend of games (I picked up 47 pts on Mike this week alone). Jeff is almost 100 pts down, a deficit we’ve never seen overcome in a single week. Joanna’s noteworthy 163-pts week puts her in the mix for a medal, but probably not the gold.
The 9, 10 and 11 spots are already locked in. Everybody else is playing for pride. Remember, there are no losers in this league, except for the 10 teams that don’t finish in first.
No Thursday game this week. No Friday or Saturday games. No Monday games. All 16 games are scheduled for Sunday, in a final hurray to a disjointed and messy season. So get your rosters ready one last time.
1 comment:
I demand a recount!! Anthony is supposedly ahead of me by less than half a point???? Knocked me out of illustrious 7th place. I don’t appreciate that, Anthony. I’m going to tell LeeAnn......🥲🥲🥲
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