Fantasy league 2019 -- week 12 recap

The Eagles had five turnovers at the hands of the Seahawks on Sunday, their worst total since 2013 (back in the good old Chip Kelly days). To put how bad that performance is into perspective, here are some notable stats which are less than that result:

4 — Total TDs the Eagles offense scored in November.
3 — Total turnovers forced by the Eagles defense in November.
4 — How many the Eagles have scored more than 22 pts in a game this season.
3 — Home losses the Eagles so far, against three wins.
4 — Total punts by the Eagles on Sunday, because you don’t need to punt when you just turn the ball over.
3 — Number of opening day WRs on the disabled list this week.
4 — Games left this season against teams with a losing record, giving some sign of hope for this mess of a season.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 46.26 pts — started by me
WR: Chris Godwin, 27.77 pts — started by Joel
RB: Leonard Fournette, 30.33 pts — started by Mike
TE: Zach Ertz, 18.07 pts — started by Jo
K: Dustin Hopkins, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Maryland Racial Slurs, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Vita Vea, 10.07 pts — on the wire

Jackson’s five-TD performance on Monday Night Football got all the attention this week, but don’t sleep on what will probably be the only appearance in the top performers by multiple members of the DC-area football team. Slurs’ K Hopkins hit two FGs inside the two-minute warning as the team stole only their second victory of the season from the Detroit Lions. At 3-7-1, the Lions have managed to beat the 2-9 Giants, the 4-7 Chargers and … of course, the 5-6 Eagles. That game could be what separates Philly from the playoffs. Awesome.

Hey, remember Zach Ertz? The guy who set the single-season mark for TE catches last year? He reappeared for the Eagles on Sunday, grabbing 12 catches for 91 yds and a TD. Ertz is on pace for 97 catches and 1,035 yds for the year, which is impressive considering I had forgotten he was still on the team. Also, I wrote almost this exact paragraph three weeks ago, last time he was in the top performers, and I forgot about that too.

Bucs DT Vita Vea became the heaviest man ever to score an NFL TD on Sunday, reeling in a one-yard pass in Tampa Bay’s win over the Falcons. He clocks in at 6-foot-4 and 347 pounds. To celebrate the achievement, he ate the ball.



“Defenses that once were good” edition

1st place: (tie) Miami, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) LA Rams, -3.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
1st place: (tie) Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Joel

OK, the Dolphins’ defense hasn’t been good for a long while. And the Rams ran into the buzzsaw that is the Ravens’ offense. But what happened to the Packers? This defense has consistently held opponents to under 24 pts (except for week 4, when they gave up 37 to the Eagles, gawd that team just makes no sense) but got blown away by the 49ers on Sunday.

If you had opted to start the Cardinals defense this week — which hasn’t allowed fewer than 21 pts in any game all year — you would have ended up with more pts than the Packers.

For the record, the Cardinals were off this week.

** From a new Washington Post poll this week: “Nationals are D.C.’s favorite team”

“More than one in four D.C. residents — 28 percent — name the Nationals as their favorite local team. … Meanwhile, fandom for the Redskins, long the dominant sports team in the region, has plummeted, with just 13 percent calling them their favorite local team. They are followed by the Capitals with 10 percent, the Wizards and Mystics, both at 8 percent, and D.C. United at 6 percent.”

Not appearing on that list: 23 percent of folks survey said they don’t like any of the local teams. So, an alternate headline for the piece might be “Only slightly more people in DC care about the Natinals than root against all the local teams.”

** At halftime of the Sunday night game, with the 49ers leading the Packers 23-0, sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya said that when she spoke with Green Bay coach Matt LeFleur, he was not thinking about throwing away the playbook.

“We’re sticking to our plan,” he said. “If we go away from that plan, it could get even uglier.”

The Packers lost 37-8, but I guess with a different plan maybe they would have lost by more than four TDs.

** There’s a new FOX show coming up that’s explained in the commercials as an assistant sheriff who is promoted to sheriff after the sudden death of the original sheriff and now he’s going to use his position as sheriff to clean up the entire department. But the new sheriff faces a lot of resistance, including some of the old sheriff’s allies who vow they’ll bring down the replacement sheriff.

The show is called .... “Deputy.”

I did not see that coming.

The most important part of celebrating Thanksgiving is, of course, relaxing in front of the television and enjoying some football. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to do that on Thursday:

— Turn on Fox at noon.
— Grab antacid tablets, realizing that the first game will upset your stomach.
— Watch the battle for last place in the NFC North: The 5-6 Bears take on the 3-7-1 Lions.
— Flip over to CBS at 4pm.
— Grab three beers, realizing you’ll need to be drunk to enjoy the next game.
— Watch the All-Overrated Bowl: The 8-3 Bills, who are 1-1 against teams with a winning record, take on the 6-5 Cowboys, who are 0-4 against teams with a winning record.
— Turn on NBC at 8pm.
— Grab your stress ball, to calm yourself after realizing how bad the football spread is this year.
— Watch the most confusing rematch in the NFL this season: The 9-2 Saints take on the 3-8 Falcons, who inexplicably blew them out three weeks ago in New Orleans.
— Go to bed, and hope for happier football dreams.


Defensive end Michael Bennett was a key component of the Eagles 2018 season, providing some stability and pass rush along the line. Then, in the offseason, he was traded to the Patriots. And then they traded him to the Cowboys. So, how do we feel about him now? The same way he feels, according to what his name spells out:

Dallas traded for DE Michael Bennett
** Clan add: Demented traitor feels blah

In fairness, you’d be demented too if you got traded three times in 18 months.


** Another week, another tie. 0-5-7 against Dad so far this year. Eight games back. This has gone from absurd to monotonous.

** The NFL announced its Hall of Fame finalists for this season: S Troy Polamalu feels like a lock, WR Issac Bruce and RB Edgerrin James feel like they should already be in. , wide receiver Reggie Wayne. The only Eagle on the list is RB Ricky Watters, and that feels like a reach to me. RB Fred Taylor was also announced as a finalist but was injured shortly thereafter.

** I’m not saying the Eagles are going to lose to the Dolphins, but I would not bet on the spread.

** I mean, a Fred Taylor injury joke? It’s like we’re back in 2008.

Week 12 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 1575.12 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1520.97 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1508.92 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1384.39 pts
5 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1353.73 pts
6 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1352.02 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 1350.93 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1342.78 pts
9 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1287.80 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1249.03 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1136.37 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (JoeMcDeadaccount), 30.43 pts

With almost 75 percent of the season finished, we have three distinct tiers in the standings (well, four, since Joey is in his own world down there).

The bottom bracket is lead by Paul (who’s latest name is … darker … than usual). Bob sits within striking distance of that 10th place spot, and Joel’s respectable 104-pts week puts him at least in contention for a decent push over the final month of the season.

The race for fifth place is crowded: Four teams sit within 10 pts of each other. But Mom D has established herself as the leader of this pack, with wishful thinking that she can jump up into the top group.

But the medal positions seem to have separated themselves already. Another strong week from my squad (thank you, Lamar Jackson) puts me firmly in the driver’s seat, while Mike and Sam continue to hang close. It all sets up for some interesting end-of-the-season battles, provided everyone remembers to set their rosters.

That starts this Thursday — three games are set for turkey day enjoyment, so remember to set your teams early. You don’t want to have to dash away from a full dinner spread just because you forgot about one of the Lions wideouts.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 11 recap

 

The Eagles are 5-5 and still very much in the thick of the NFC East race, since the division is by far the most pathetic in all of football this year. Consider:

— Combined, the four NFC East teams have 14 wins, the least of any division. Second worst is the AFC North, which has 17. The top is the NFC West, with 26.
— Of those 14 wins, six of them are from within the division. Three more are against the Dolphins and Jets, two of the five worst teams in all of football.
— The NFC East teams also have a combined -121 point differential this year. The second worst division is the NFC South, with -68 … almost half as bad.
— Absent divisions, if the playoffs were to start today, the Cowboys would be the sixth seed in the NFC, just barely beating the Rams in a tiebreaker for the final spot.
— The division has the Washington Racial Slurs, who appear to be the worst team in football even though they have one more win than the 0-10 Bengals.

And yet somehow, the Eagles or Cowboys will get a home playoff game in January. Because, NFL.

 

QB: Lamar Jackson, 41.48 pts — started by me
WR: John Brown, 25.63 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Mark Ingram, 20.77 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Ryan Griffin, 15.77 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Stephen Hauschka, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 29.00 pts — on the wire
D: Maxx Crosby, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Russell Wilson’s week off gave Jackson the chance to run past him in the fantasy pts standings. He’s the first player over 300 pts this year, thanks to 2258 passing yds, 788 rushing yds and 25 combined TDs through the first 10 games. And here’s your reminder that he was the eighth QB drafted, two rounds behind Aaron Rodgers (who, coincidentally, is the eight QB in league fantasy pts right now).

That’s a bit of surprise, but it’s nothing compared to the Falcons defense the last two weeks. In their first eight games, Hotlanta had seven sacks, four turnovers and a total of two fantasy pts (five weeks with zero or fewer pts). In their last two games — against the Saints and Panthers, both high-powered offenses — they collected 11 sacks, four turnovers and 40 fantasy pts. Truly, the league makes no sense right now.



“Bad defenses” edition

3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit. -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Texans loss was allegedly the first time since QB Deshaun Watson’s high school days that his team lost by more than two TDs (41-7, to the Ravens). I’m not sure how much credit he should get for that, since I didn’t see him doing much on defense this week.


** Funny sports story of the week, according to multiple outlets: Bengals fan Jeff Lanham was so frustrated with his team earlier this year that before week 5, he told his wife he’d move onto the roof of their restaurant and live there until the Cincinnati squad won their first game. She repeated the boast to a local nes crew covering a tailgate party at the event, and now he has been living on the roof for nearly two months.

Everyone has been asking him what happens if the team goes 0-16 this season, but the question they should be asking is “when are you and your wife getting counseling?” Because it’s pretty clear they just don’t want to live together anymore.

** Clinically insane former Patriots WR Anonio Brown on Tuesday took to social media to apologize for mocking team owner Robert Kraft’s entanglement in a massage parlor scandal earlier this year, saying “sorry for the bad media and the drama! Thank you sincerely.”

So, he’ll be back for week 13, I guess?

How the 0-10 Bengals can still make the playoffs:

— The Bengals win their last six games, and finish the season at 6-10 (6-6 in AFC).
— The Texans lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Raiders lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (4-8 in AFC).
— The Steelers go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Titans go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10. (4-8 in AFC).
— The Browns, Jaguars and Chargers don’t win more than two games the rest of the season (6-10 max record).
— The Broncos and Jets don’t finish better than 3-3 over the last six (6-10 max record).
— The Dolphins don’t finish better than 4-2 over the last six (6-10 max record).

If all that happens, the Bengals should win the tiebreaker if there are at least five teams with the same record. But still maybe not.

Conversely, the Bengals can also make the playoffs if every other team in the AFC is abducted by aliens. Even then, the NFL may decide to just call the NFC West the AFC and leave them out.


Longtime Packers WR Randall Cobb hasn’t been relevant in a few years, but he’s having a career resurgence with Dallas this year. Pundits have credited that to the Cowboys proficient offense, but we know the actual reason for his improved play is his embrace of the foul stench of evil that emanates from the team’s locker room.

It’s no surprise, of course, if you just pick apart his name.

Cowboys Wideout Randall Cobb
** A wounded, scabby colic-bowl troll
** A bad, uncool bro w/ blowy edicts
** A babbly, cow-suited clown odor

Randall Cobb also anagrams to “bad cornball,” but that just felt too easy.

** You’re never going to believe this, but Dad and I split our weekly picks again. I know, you’re shocked. I’m eight games down and 0-5-6 so far in the weekly contests. With only six weeks of football left, the question is not whether I can catch Dad, but whether I can win a single week.

** Ohio State had a chance to set the record for the largest road cover ever in a college football game on Saturday, but instead they fell well short of the -52.5 spread and only beat Rutgers 56-21. What a waste of a day.

** I feel like I should have come up with a joke about Maxx Crosby up there in the top performers. Like, “the extra x is for xcitement” or something. Feels like it just right there.

** Hey I just clinched the regular season title in my other league, which is fun and profitable...

Week 11 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1435.36 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1400.50 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1393.89 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1300.89 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1279.74 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1237.28 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1232.03 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1223.02 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1192.49 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1139.72 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1032.26 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 27.71 pts

A disastrous week for Mike (77.62 pts, yikes) coupled with really strong weeks from Sam and I result in a reshuffling of the medal stand. I’m on pace to approach 2,300 pts on the season now, and our three teams have clearly separated from the rest of the pack with just about one-third of the season left to go.

Mom D continues to put up strong numbers despite some questionable roster moves (like dumping her entire RB corps). Jeff appears to have locked up the race for the fewest roster moves this season (one so far, compared to 25 for me). Dad’s strong week almost pulled him to the top half of the standings. And Joey McDeadaccount continues to pick up a few points each week, making my blood pressure rise.

Colts at Texans for the Thursday night game this week, which is also the last week of byes for the season. After this, the only mistakes on your weekly roster will be of your own doing, not the NFL’s abrupt rest schedule. So plan accordingly.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 10 recap

Recapping the NFL season so far:

The Niners lost to the Seahawks.
The Seahawks lost to the Saints.
The Saints lost to the Falcons.
The Falcons lost to the Cardinals.
The Cardinals lost to Buccaneers.
The Bucs lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Broncos.
The Broncos lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Packers.
The Packers lost to the Eagles.
The Eagles lost to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys lost to the Jets.
The Jets lost to the Dolphins.
The Dolphins lost to the Redskins.
The Redskins lost to the Giants.
The Giants lost to the Patriots.
The Patriots lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Steelers.
The Steelers lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Colts.
The Colts lost to the Raiders.
The Raiders lost to the Vikings.
The Vikings lost to the Bears.
The Bears lost to the Chargers.
The Chargers lost to the Lions.
The Lions lost to the Bills.
The Bills lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Rams.
The Rams lost to the Buccaneers.
The Bucs lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Jaguars.
The Jaguars lost to the Texans.
The Texans lost to the Panthers.
The Panthers lost to the Niners.
And the Bengals haven’t won a game.

So, sorry, but your team can’t win the Super Bowl this year.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 39.42 pts — started by me
WR: Christian Kirk, 30.20 pts — on Sam’s bench
RB: Derrick Henry, 32.00 pts — started by Sam
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.53 pts — started by me
K: Harrison Butker, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Pittsburgh, 28.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Jamal Adams, 20.50 pts — on the wire

Jackson on Sunday became only the second QB to post a perfect passer rating twice in one season, but those two incredible days came against the Dolphins and Bengals, so maybe there should be an asterisk against this one. And as incredible as Jackson’s day was — it included an insane video-game-style 47-yard TD run — he may not have even have posted the best run on Sunday.

That belongs to Adams, who blitzed in for a sack of Giants QB Daniel Jones and instead yanked the ball out of his hands, turned and ran 25 yards for a defensive TD. It was both impressive and hilarious, like watching a grown man steal a football from a baby Eli Manning. I could watch it all day.



“RBs that people own” edition

3rd place: David Johnson, -0.27 pts — started by Mom
2nd place: Tony Pollard, 0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Giovani Bernard, -0.70 pts — on the wire

There may not be a more frustrating fantasy player than Cardinals RB Johnson, who averaged almost 16 fantasy points a game over the first six weeks of the season and has totaled -0.07 over the last four. That includes two games where he started, one of them being Sunday’s five-rush, two-yards and one fumble performance. Pollard and Bernard are backups that have seen some good games: Johnson was a first-round fantasy draft pick who is becoming a team killer.


** During Saturday’s big LSU-Alabama game, CBS announcer Gary Danielson said one of the keys of LSU’s high-powered passing attack is “working to keep all of their passes between 10 and 2, like on a clock.”

First, thank you for clarifying you were talking about clocks, I thought maybe numbers in general had reversed their order.

Second, except for the occasional West Coast offense quick-out play, which I guess could be considered a 9-to-3 range, everyone tries to throw their passes in that area. You know why? Because it’s a lateral or a fumble otherwise. Danielson basically said the key to their offensive success is understanding the forward pass.

** Speaking of that game, everyone was. The matchup of #2 LSU vs #3 Alabama was dubbed the “game of the century” by local beat writers and national pundits, because we only get to see such a match-up of highly-ranked teams … well, actually, it’s every year now that we have the college football playoff.

The #1 and #4 teams play, then #2 and #3 square off. It's how the playoff is set up. Hell, the last few years we’ve had #1 and #2 play each other in the next game. So, this counts as the game of the century if your century spans from Nov. 1, 2019 to maybe the end of the month.

I’m down in North Carolina for part of the week doing a walk through of the Spectrum Center for some political stuff next year. One of the things that jumped out to me this week is the rich sports history of the site — consider some of the highlights the arena has posted since the return of the Hornets and NBA professional basketball to Charlotte:

2014 — Bobcats renamed the Hornets, reclaiming their original name
2014 — Hugo Hornet returns as mascot
2015 — New uniforms unveiled
2016 — New color scheme unveiled

And that’s it.

That’s all that is on a banner outside the court, and it’s stunning. I know the team hasn’t been good, but they did reach the playoffs one year. I would think that's worth mentioning. But apparently the most impressive thing about the team to its owners is that it managed to revert to an old name. It’s a wonder how they haven't won a championship.


Lost in all the excitement of the Cowboys normal evildoing this year was the return of longtime tight end Jason Witten, who bombed as a Monday Night Football announcer and was forced to find employment again. Now there wasn’t much doubt that Witten is a good match for the team — after all, for years he proved he could sully the good name of football as much as any other Dallas player. But it’s worth remembering just how well he still fits in with his old squad:

Cowboys TE Jason Witten returns to Dallas
** Catty welts, no jest: Satan be our sworn idol.

Following Satan is bad enough, but swearing an oath to him just takes it to another level.

** Dad and I split again this week. I’m now 8 games back and 0-5-5 against the old man on the season. At least for a change I’m happy with the result, since he picked the Cowboys to lose and I had no faith in Kirk Cousins.

** Ohio State’s football team scored 73 pts on Saturday, but Ohio State’s basketball team scored 76 on Sunday, so I guess they had the better weekend.

** I'll mention Delaware football again when it's worth mentioning Delaware football again.

Week 10 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1316.27 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1292.07 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1273.41 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1187.60 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1167.17 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1148.54 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1123.00 pts
8 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1106.54 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1094.17 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1042.42 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 942.20 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 23.34 pts

Another week with Mike atop the standings, but the margin remains thin. Sam continues to climb towards the top. I continue to float in the middle. And everyone else continues to fail to reel us in.

This week’s Thursday night game is Steelers at Browns, which in September seemed like it was going to be a great game but now seems like a mess. But the Steelers are still sort of in the playoff race, and the Browns are still the Browns, and the NFL still tells you when to watch, so get your rosters ready.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 9 recap

 

News that WR DeSean Jackson could miss the rest of the season comes as a disappointment to the Eagles, who had banked (rather foolishly) on his health as a key to the offense this year. Now, with the trade deadline already gone, here are a few names the team may contact in their search to bolster the receiving corps:

Jordan Matthews: He was signed by the 49ers at the start of October but cut two weeks ago after a lack of production. Could a third stint with the Eagles be in his future? (Note: I wrote this half joking before his surprise visit to the team on Tuesday)

Michael Crabtree: He had a whopping four catches with the Cardinals earlier this year before being released. But with 54 career regular season TDs, he’s worth a look.

Antonio Brown: Probably the most talented wideout not with a team right now. But he is also clinically insane and likely to face criminal charges at any moment, making his usefulness limited.

Bryce Harper: He’s always open to more money and his legs are fresh from not playing any games in October, so…

JJ Arcega-Whiteside: The Eagles used a second round draft pick on him last spring, but he was cut from the team and never played a down. His combination of speed and … wait, they didn’t cut him? He’s been on the team the whole season? What the hell is he doing then?

DeSean Jackson: Somehow this whole debacle is going to end with the Eagles giving D-Jax an extension. I can just feel it.

QB: Russell Wilson, 49.22 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Tyler Lockett, 28.93 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 35.43 pts — started by Bob
TE: Zach Ertz, 17.37 pts — started by Jo
K: Harrison Butker, 18.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Houston, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 13.00 pts — on the wire

When Russell Wilson wins the MVP this year — which he will, unless the voters decide to give it to Tom Brady for no reason again — it’ll be because of games like the one he had Sunday: 378 yds passing, 5 TDs, a key 21-yrd rush, and a come-from-behind overtime victory. Seattle has a huge game against the somehow still undefeated 49ers next week, then gets a bye before traveling to awww dammit the Eagles have to play Wilson after a week’s rest? This schedule is brutal for the birds. The good birds, not the West Coast ones.

Hey, remember Zach Ertz? The guy who set the single-season mark for TE catches last year? He reappeared for the Eagles on Sunday, grabbing 9 catches for 103 yds and a TD. Ertz is on pace for 92 catches and 1,054 yds for the year, which is impressive considering I had forgotten he was still on the team.

Sadly, Justin Houston plays for Indianapolis and not Houston, which would be so much more convenient.



“People you’ve never heard of” edition

3rd place: Diontae Spencer, -0.76 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cyrus Jones, -1.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Adam Shaheen, -1.50 pts — on the wire

Actually, you do know Shaheen: He plays TE for the Bears and does not know what to do when you pooch-kick the ball in the final seconds of a close game. Shaheen is the one who muffed the kickoff at the end of Sunday’s game against the Eagles, fumbling away the flailing Chicago squad’s final chance at a comeback. Apparently he had a tackle earlier in the game, which gave him back a little of that -2 pts.

Not on the list (but close) was the vaunted New England defense, which actually had to play a real team this week and scored only 2 fantasy pts, it’s first tally below double digits this season. The Patriots defense had only surrendered 43 pts on the season coming into the game against the Ravens, where the team gave up 31 in four quarters. It’s worth noting that the Patriots — who everyone is already writing in for a Super Bowl appearance — are 5-0 against teams with two or fewer wins on the season and 1-1 against teams above .500. But, yeah, they are great.



** Natinals owner Ted Lerner at the team’s championship parade had the quote that best sums up the entire franchise: "They say good things come to those who wait. Ninety-five years is a pretty long wait. But I'll tell you, this is worth the wait."

Washington fans will tell you — if you can find any, because very few actually exist — about all the “suffering” they went through waiting for championships before the Capitals won it all in 2018. And a big part of that is the fact that the last World Series victory they had was way back in 1924, with the Washington Senators.

What they’ll leave out is that after years of no local fan support, the team left town in 1972. So 33 years of that drought is because YOU DIDN’T HAVE A TEAM and that makes it tough to win games.

Couple that with the first five years of the Natinals’ arrival in DC, where the team actively tanked to get higher draft picks and build a young core (see Stephen Strasburg, Bryce Harper, Anthony Rendon). So the Lerners and their fans have really been waiting about nine years for a championship. As a fan of a team that has played in the same city for 136 years thanks to loyal fans, I’ll never comprehend how they ever survived such heartache.

** Every Sunday morning, the Washington Post has a recap of how the top 25 teams did the previous day. Here’s what this week’s column looked like:

#1, LSU: bye
#2, Alabama: bye
#3, Ohio State: bye
#4, Clemson: Beat Wofford
#5, Penn State: bye
#6, Florida: Lost to Georgia
#7, Oregon: late game
#8, Georgia: Beat Florida
#9, Utah: Beat Washington
#10, Oklahoma: bye

Look, I love this feature, but if your top 10 is gonna include the results from just three games, maybe it’s a good week to skip. That’s a lot of print space devoted to summaries of things that aren’t news.

A new ESPN poll of NHL players out today asked whether they have “Gritty fatigue” from the seemingly never-ending onslaught of content from the Flyers mascot. Amazingly, 72 percent of players said no, with several saying they are surprised that “there’s not more of that in the league.”

Lucky for them, there is more Gritty planned in coming months to help maximize the love surrounding the orange pile of chaos. Here’s a look at some of the ideas:

— Changing the puck color from black to orange, and including fur on pucks increase the excitement level.

— A Gritty-themed 5K for charity. Everyone wears orange and then drinks a few beers before leaving.

— A remake of Friends where all of the men are played by Gritty, who still doesn’t talk. The jokes somehow all land better.

— Gritty cologne. It smells like … confusion.

— Requiring Gritty to appear at Flyers games, to give fans a reason to attend them.

Hahahaha but seriously you should go read this ESPN story about Gritty because it will literally turn you into a bawling mess.


To help bolster their defense this season, the Cowboys signed LB Luke Gifford as an undrafted free agent rookie last spring. Why did he go undrafted? Character concerns that scared away other teams, but actually helped him land with the least moral football team in America. Consider:

Cowboys Linebacker Luke Gifford
** Beefy bowleg crick is a drunk fool

OK, that’s not really the anagram I came up with. The actual anagram was “I be bear clown. Go f-ck yourself, kid.” But this is a family-friendly blog, so I’m not gonna share that.

** Split the picks with Dad again this week. I pushed our weekly match-up record to 0-5-4, and remain stubbornly at eight games down. Stupid Jets. Why did I have any faith in you?

** The Giants gave up 10 points in the final 55 seconds of the first half of their game against the Cowboys on Monday. I just can’t make that math work in my head.


Week 9 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1179.46 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 1153.62 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1110.56 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1100.50 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1049.90 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1039.57 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1018.89 pts
8 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 994.33 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 978.33 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 955.56 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 873.68 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 23.34 pts

Mom D started two RBs who combined for 1.56 pts and still lead the week thanks to that Wilson/Lockett combo. She missed out on third place this week by 0.06 pts, also known as 1/8th of a tackle. But the noble performance puts her squarely above Ant in the pecking order, as the former champ continues to slowly slide into oblivion.

Sam continues to stay strong, making the league into a four-team race at the moment. Mike upped his lead over me by a few points this week, but faces a difficult week 11 when three of his top players are on a bye week. So it’s a good time to catch him.

Dad, Paul and Bob are still struggling to get over the 1,000-pts mark, and Joey McDeadaccount continues to infuriate me with his handful of pts each week.

This week’s Thursday night football game is Chargers vs. Raiders, because the NFL hates you even more than usual right now. Get those rosters set.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 8 recap

The best Halloween names on current NFL teams.

** Bills RB Frank Gore
** Racial Slurs WR “Scary” Terry McLaurin (his actual nickname)
** Raiders CB DJ Killings
** Patriots K Stephen Gost-kowski
** Cowboys owner Jerry “Cryptkeeper” Jones
** Panthers RB Mike Boo-ne
** Vikings LS Austin Cutting
** Patriots QB Tom “I’ll be cheating until I’m 60” Brady

QB: Daniel Jones, 36.18 pts — on the wire
WR: Mike Evans, 30.70 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tevin Coleman, 36.37 pts — started by Jo
TE: Ryan Griffin, 20.90 pts — on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 22.00 pts — started by me
D: Bruce Irvin, 12.50 pts — on the wire

You know it’s a rough fantasy week when the best QB was the starter for a Giants team that lost.

Missing from this list is Rams WR Cooper Kupp, who hauled in seven passes for 220 yds but had one less TD than Evans (who had a paltry 198 receiving yds).

And Coleman had one of the weirdest RB lines you’ll ever see: 13 touches, 118 total yds, 4 TDs. He scored almost one out of every three times he touched the ball. You think they’d use him more often with that kind of skill…


“Meh QBs” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Mullins, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Dwayne Haskins, -0.68 pts — on the wire

Both Bridgewater and Mullins came in for mop-up work in big wins and recorded a few kneel-downs. Haskins, on the other hand, played the second half of the Maryland Racial Slurs’ Thursday game against the Vikings, and managed only 33 passing yds and an interception in what had been a close game. For the season, he has 140 passing yds and four turnovers, worth -0.10 pts. Not a great look for the former Ohio State great.


** After being released from the Eagles for subpar play, CB Orlando Scandrick ripped players on the team, saying that “I felt like they were still living off that Super Bowl high. It's over. They're living in the past."

It’s a confusing statement to hear from Scandrick, an 11-year veteran who spent his first nine years with the Cowboys, because Dallas only won two playoff games in his entire tenure there, so how does he know what it’s like to have a Super Bowl high?

** The NBC DC 11 pm news on Saturday night had a live report from Natinals Park during game 4 of the World Series. The local team was down 8-1 in the 8th inning at the time, but correspondent Shomari Stone noted that fans were still holding strong hoping for a rally … as the camera showed a steady stream of fans behind him leaving the park early.

I dunno, maybe just angle a different direction before you lie about how faithful the local fans are.

** Headline on AL.com this week: “Alabama now leads nation in one of Nick Saban’s favorite stats.”
I’ll spare you the click: It’s turnover margin. You know, the little known football stat that only Red Tide coaching genius Nick Saban knows about. From the article:

“Nick Saban has consistently called turnover differential one of the three most indicative stats tied to success in the game. Third-down conversions and big plays also make the list and Alabama’s offense is ranked in the top 10 of those categories as well.”

Have more big plays, more offensive possession and fewer turnovers than your opponent and you’ll win. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

A quick look at current team memorabilia for sale on NFL.com vs. how many game tickets that would buy on StubHub:

— Autographed Jets QB Sam Darnold helmet ~~ $284.99
Jets at Maryland tickets ~~ starting at $15
Your choice: Pay nearly $300 for the signature of a QB who sees ghosts when he plays or spent the same amount of money to take 18 friends with you to FedEx field to see Darnold struggle in real life. Tough call.

— Autographed Bengals AJ Green jersey ~~ $224.99
Bengals at Miami tickets ~~ starting at $17
You could only bring 12 friends with you for the price of the jersey, but you also most likely won’t get to see Green’s name on the field if you do that. He’s been out with a leg injury all year.

— Autographed Falcons QB Matt Ryan framed jersey display ~~ $622.49
Bucs at Atlanta tickets ~~ starting at $22
One fancy jersey, or twenty-eight tickets for a pivotal matchup between the third and fourth place teams in the NFC South. Oh and Ryan may not be at the game either, since he missed his start last week with an injury.

— Autographed Giants WR Odell Beckam picture ~~ $202.49
Dolphins at Giants tickets ~~ starting at $52
You couldn’t even afford four tickets in New Jersey at the price of the picture, but at least you’d know what team all the players are on. Despite Beckham being traded to the Browns six months ago, this is still a top seller on the Giants’ fan page.


The Cowboys invested a fourth-round pick in running back Tony Pollard last spring in an effort to help stabilize their offense, given past problems with star RB Ezekiel Elliott. And the good news for Dallas is that Pollard has been a perfect fit thus far, in game play and a complete lack of moral character. No surprise, it’s all right there in his name:

RB Tony Pollard
** Portly-born lad
** Brandy trollop
** Torn, baldy pro
** Drab pony troll
** No try, ball drop

Remember, you can’t spell Pollard without “plod.” Or “lard.” Or “rap doll,” but I’m not sure if that really applies here.

** Another week, another tie with Dad. For the year, I’m down eight in our weekly picks and 0-5-3 in our head-to-head matchups. The good news is that if I continue tanking like this, I’ll be in good position for the top draft pick next year.

** I still hate the Natinals.

** At 4-4, the Eagles are ninth in the NFC playoff race. The good news is that they’re somehow only half a game behind the Cowboys for the division lead. The bad news is they still somehow looked pretty bad in a 31-13 win this week.

Week 8 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1048.05 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1035.53 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 969.95 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 951.94 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 941.89 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 922.13 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 909.50 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 871.09 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 866.66 pts
10 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 865.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 813.25 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 21.90 pts

Huge, huge, HUGE week from Sam, who posted an unreal 197.86 pts this week and jumped from 8th to 3rd. And he did it with three players on a bye, and none of the top performers of the week — just solid 20-plus pts performances from almost his entire squad. Crazy.

But perhaps not as crazy as Joey McDeadaccount, who got his first TD of the year on a 45-yard bomb by Lions WR Marvin Hall (who has accounted for all of his team’s points). One more week like this and I’m going to have to find the login for that account, so I can drop Hall.

An OK week by my team coupled with a very strong week from Mike puts him into first place, but I get my starting QB off a bye on Sunday (but against my defense, so…)

Remember that the 49ers play this Thursday, so get your team ready. The Cardinals play that night too, but nobody really cares.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 7 recap

Minor points of concern after the latest Eagles game:

** They gave up 14 points in the first six minutes of play this week.
** They have trailed by double digits in the first half of six of their seven games.
** They have surrendered 37-plus points each of their last two games.
** They haven’t had a 100-yard rusher since Oct. 1, 2017.
** They have lost four in a row to the Cowboys.
** They are not good.

Other than that, the team looks solid.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.76 pts — started by Joel
WR: Marvin Jones Jr., 35.20 pts — started by Mom
RB: Chase Edmonds, 33.20 pts — on Mom’s bench
TE: Darren Waller, 23.90 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 34.00 pts — started by me
D: Chandler Jones, 14.50 pts — started by Mike

So close! If only anyone could figure out who the Cardinals are starting at RB on any given week. Chase Edmonds — the Arizona backup who rushed for 126 yds and three TDs on Sunday — ruined everyone’s fantasy day because starting RB David Johnson wasn’t hurt, but then didn’t really play. Either be a starter or a bench guy, Chase. You’re not helping anyone out if we don’t know whether to start you.

A 50-plus pts fantasy performance is pretty rare, and now we’ve had two in the last three weeks. Following DeSean Watson’s six TD day earlier this month, Rodgers posted his own on Sunday: 429 passing yds, 5 passing TDs, and one rushing score. It’s only the third time this year that Rodgers has been above the 20 fantasy pts mark, and only the third time since the start of the 2018 season that he has thrown at least three TDs a game. For comparison, QB Carson Wentz has five over that span (in five fewer games) and wasn’t getting drafted by anyone in the first four rounds of fantasy drafts. About time Rodgers lived up to his hype.

Jones’ four TD receiving day gave him more end zone visits in one afternoon than WRs Michael Thomas, Alshon Jeffery, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Odell Beckham and Davante Adams have on the season so far. He also managed to do it without breaking 100 yards in receptions, which seems mathematically impossible.


“Bad D” edition

3rd place: Atlanta, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Three games after almost upsetting the Kansas City Chiefs, the Lions are now in complete free fall. On Sunday they allowed 42 pts, recorded no turnover or sacks, and earned the worst possible defensive fantasy score this week. The good news is they play the Raiders in two more weeks, so maybe the complete lack of defense won’t matter as much then.

Not included on the list: The Eagles defense, which did not play this week. I mean, I can’t find any evidence they did…


“Sam Darnold” edition

1st place: Sam Darnold, -6.66 pts — on the wire

That score is not a misprint.

Jets QB Sam Darnold had a night on Monday, throwing four interceptions and fumbling once (and giving up a safety) against only 86 passing yds. You were worth 6.66 more fantasy points than Darnold this week without ever leaving the couch.

Amazingly, however, it doesn’t even crack the top five of the worst single-game fantasy performances of the last 15 years. Former Bears QB Rex Grossman had two games in 2006 alone where he posted fewer than -6.7 fantasy points. And two years ago, then Bills QB Nathan Peterman (still in the league, somehow) dropped a -6.96 pts score thanks to five interceptions against six completions for 66 yds (6-6-6, sensing a pattern here?).

For the record, Darnold’s performance equaled a 3.6 QB rating, more than 10 times worse than the 39.6 rating he would have recorded if he simply threw his first pass into the ground and left the field. Although, if he aimed for the ground, he still probably would have been intercepted.

** On Sunday morning, before the professional football began but after the collegiate football had finished for the weekend, ESPN’s SportsCenter trotted out its top plays of the previous day. Number #1 on the list was a spectacular fourth-quarter juggling interception by the Air Force football team (not the actual military force, that would be a very different choice) at the opposite 8-yard line that was returned for a TD, to put the cap on a 56-26 blowout of Hawaii (the football team, not the state).

It’s a solid pick … if #2 wasn’t the two-run walk-off home run that send the Houston Astros to the World Series. That play was arguably the most important moment in the American League playoffs so far. The Air Force interception didn’t even effect the point spread.

But ESPN has made a business out of choosing cool looking plays over actual substance, so way to stay on message.

** From NFL.com’s “what did we learn in week 7” column: “The Redskins (1-6) deserve some credit for nearly spoiling the 49ers' undefeated season.”

They lost 9-0. I went back and checked, and no team in NFL history has managed to win a game without scoring a point. Praise the Racial Slurs’ defense if you want, but don’t say they almost won when they never got on the scoreboard.

Trades aren’t as common in the NFL as other sports leagues, but as the end-of-month trade deadline approaches, several big names are expected to make some moves. On Tuesday alone, the Patriots acquired WR Mohamed Sanu from the Falcons and the 49ers got Broncos WR Emmanuel Sanders. Here’s a few other teams considering major shake-ups:

** Bengals: Cincinnati is contemplating trading Pro Bowl WR AJ Green in exchange for at least two professional-level football players, thereby doubling their current total.

** Browns: Cleveland ownership has been in talks with the Lakers to acquire LeBron James, because why not?

** Eagles: Team officials are offering a third-round draft pick for an easily injured cornerback to add to their current collection.

** Chargers and Rams: In light of the teams’ recent slides, Los Angeles officials have said they are willing to trade one or both teams to any interested city with a solid MLS squad.

** Giants: The team would like to exchange QB Eli Manning for a less frumpy looking paperweight.

** Patriots: Coach Bill Belechick announced in a press conference that any player on his team is up for trade in exchange for unicorn blood to help keep him alive.



Xavier Su'a-Filo is a five-year pro who played college ball in UCLA and has been considered a solid if not special offensive liveman. The Cowboys are his third professional team since entering the league, but Dallas officials are confident he’ll be a long-term fit for their organization considering his … unique … character. Consider:

Cowboys O-lineman Xavier Su'a-Filo
** Our wily vision -- Box o’ malfeasance

Getting the dash and the apostrophe to work in there should have been more of a challenge, honestly.

** When is a tie a win? When I don’t lose to Dad in the weekly picks. I’m still looking for my first victory of the season, but at least I didn’t lose ground, splitting our picks on Sunday. Thank you to the Titans for your goal-line stand to leave me at a mere 8 games back.

** Fun fact I heard this week: With their ALCS defeat this weekend, the Yankees failed to reach the World Series at all in the 2010s. It’s the first decade they have not played in the final championship series at least once since the 1910s.
So, take that, NY.

** So, basketball, eh? At least that will take a few months to be completely disappointing?

Week 7 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 930.52 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 888.17 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 836.48 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D) 820.38 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 801.06 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 783.44 pts
7 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 781.54 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 772.09 pts
9 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 771.04 pts
10 — ToMediocreOrLess (Paul), 734.52 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 716.98 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 12.13 pts

Joey actually had two players score this week, but he left 0.90 pts on his bench by not starting one of them. Poor strategy by him.

But good strategy by me. Another first-place finish this week coupled with a mediocre showing by Mike gives me a good bit of breathing room atop the standings. Special thanks to the New England defense for continuing to play terrible teams.

Mom D is charging up the charts, just a few points behind third place, and Joanna’s big week jumped her up a few spots. Jeff’s team took a hit this week, and I’m not sure Paul’s team lived up to its new name.

Thursday Night Football this week is the Vikings vs. the Maryland Racial Slurs. The commercials for the game have had an annoying eight-year-old getting in a trash talking contest against a grown man (and winning, because the Maryland fan can’t reference any success from the last two decades). I imagine the game isn’t going to be much more interesting than that sorry display of an ad, but get your rosters set anyway.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 6 recap

 

The new XFL, set to begin play next spring, is holding its inaugural player draft this week. Already such luminary QBs Cardale Jones and Matt McGloin have been assigned to the league’s eight teams, but here are a few other big names franchises should be targeting in the draft:

— Tampa Bay Vipers: QB Vincent Testaverde, son of longtime Buccaneers QB Vinny Testaverde, makes sense here as an appeal to the local fan base, since there are no other notable QBs in Tampa football history.

— St. Louis Battlehawks: If Punter Brad Wing can’t get drafted by a team named the Battlehawks, why are we even doing this?

— Los Angeles Wildcats: Former Delaware WR Vinny Papale, son of Eagles walk-on Vince Papale, makes sense due to the team’s proximity to Hollywood and the opportunity for a sequel to the movie “Invincible.”

— D.C. Defenders: RB Matt Jones, known as Fat Matt during his days with the Maryland Racial Slurs, could return to the DC area to prove the problem was with how awful Dan Synder runs his franchise and not Jones’ talent.

— New York Guardians: They should try and draft QB Eli Manning. It’s not like he’s doing anything useful in the NFL right now.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 38.94 pts — started by Mike
WR: Stefon Diggs, 34.93 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Nick Chubb, 25.83 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Hunter Henry, 22.67 pts — on the wire
K: Joey Slye, 15.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 28.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: (tie) New England, 28.00 pts — started by me
D: Devin Bush, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Six QBs topped 30 fantasy pts this week, but Ryan was the only one of the group who managed to lose his game despite his stats. Congrats! He also has the most TD passes in the league (15) and the second-least wins in the league (one, over the Eagles).

Another ridiculous week by the New England defense gives them 141 fantasy pts for the season thus far, almost twice as many as the second-place San Francisco 49ers (77 pts). The combined record of their six opponents so far is a eye-popping 10-23, with four of those wins coming from the Bills (the only team with a winning record the Patriots have played). They’ll face two more squads with losing records before starting the real part of their schedule: consecutive games against the Ravens, Eagles, Cowboys, Texans and Chiefs. We’ll see if their defense is still scoring double-digit fantasy points after that.


“Skill positions” edition

3rd place: Josh Rosen, -0.60 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Marcus Mariota, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud, -1.80 pts — on the wire

Bucs QB Jameis Winston threw five interceptions this week, and wasn’t close to the worst QB to take the field. Mariota and Rosen were both top-10 picks and both managed to be complete drains on their teams this week, combining for four interceptions, less than 150 yds passing and no scores. Both ended up on the bench at the end of their games. Rosen has only thrown one TD against five interceptions on the season, and is worth 19.98 fantasy pts after five games — just about 160 pts behind league-leader Russell Wilson.

Believe it or not, the Eagles defense wasn’t the worst in the league this week (tied for third). That total goes to Matt Ryan’s Falcons, who surrendered 34 pts and had no turnovers or sacks. So the Eagles may have given up more yards and points in their game, and they lost to another key playoff contender, and they lost to the Vikings for the second year in a row, but at least they you know what nevermind it was the worst performance of the week.

** I couldn’t pick my least favorite Cris Collinsworth moment of Sunday night, so you pick which one is worse:

While talking about Steelers third-string QB Devlin Hodges — pressed into service by multiple Pittsburgh injuries this season — Collinsworth noted that he passed for 14,500 yds at Samford college, setting the new record FCS record. “That counts for something,” Collinsworth said. “14,000 yards is hard to throw for against air!”

I tested out Collinsworth’s theory the next day, casually tossing a football into the air in my living room. The air, as expected, provided little opposition. My throws were only about a foot and I stopped after about 15 throws, but I’m betting if I really focused and spent 20 minutes every night for four years (Hodges, after all, got four years to set that mark) I could top 20,000 yds easy.

Collinsworth was a wideout, so it’s no surprise that he thinks air must provide some opposition to the QB. After all, if it doesn’t, why didn’t the ball get thrown to him every time?

** Collinsworth, a few minutes after that gem, was lauding Steelers RB James Connor for pushing through two defenders. “He’s always fighting,” the NBC commentator said. “You knew he’d be a fighter after overcoming cancer.”

First off, no. Fighting for yards in a game is not the same thing as having the mental fortitude to weather the pain of chemotherapy. But, more importantly, you know how we know Connor is a fighter on the football field? Maybe all of his play last season, where he gained more than 1,400 yds. His last cancer treatment was almost four years ago. Might as well throw in there “you knew he’d be a fighter after he survived that C- in freshman English.”

** Following his team’s loss to the previously winless New Jersey Jets, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he does not believe his team is “really one of the top teams” in the NFL.

Your team has lost three in a row and couldn’t beat the winless Jets, Jerry. No one thinks they’re one of the top teams.

The Vatican caused a minor NFL stir this week when the Pope sent out a tweet about Catholic saints that included the hashtag for the New Orleans Saints. A lot of folks make puns about the Saints’ win coming via support from a higher power, but this isn’t the first time a religious organization has backed an NFL team. Consider these tweets from just the last few weeks:

— We support the #Bears and all our woodland friends. Crush those bloodthirsty meat #Packers! ~~~ @WiccansUnited

— Odin smiles on our #Vikings today! ~~~ @NorsemenOfTheWorld

— You know what to do, #Lions. Make a meal of those lousy theists. ~~~ @AntiChristianCoalition

— Your puny #Giants are no match for our wondrous #Titans. Zeus commands you to go home! ~~~ @AncientGreekRevival

— Let’s go #Cowboys! We stand with you! ~~~ @ChurchOfSatan


Big week in Big D — The Eagles travel down to Texas this week to decide whether they or the Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East. Both teams are coming off demoralizing losses, and the two co-leaders of the division won’t face off again until the second-to-last week of the season.
But it’s more than just a football game. It’s really a morality play we get to witness twice a year, a periodic referendum on the status of the universe. Can the spreading darkness and dread of the Cowboys ethos be stopped by servants of light? Have we as a people lost our way, or is Dallas headed for a well-deserved and cleansing loss?

In times like these, my friends, we can only turn to the letters themselves for to speak truth and wisdom.

The Eagles Cowboys rivalry resumes Sunday 
 ** Yes — Good men always best evil curses. Hurray!

Remember: You can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Let’s hope good prevails again.

** I’m down 8 to Dad in our weekly picks and really have no idea how I’m ever going to win a week again.

** Gawd, I really hate the Natinals.

** Thank you, Coach Pederson, for promising a win over the Cowboys next Sunday night and causing a few extra days of anxiety that I didn’t need.

Week 6 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 799.21 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 788.25 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 719.49 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 714.06 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 702.71 pts
6 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 687.11 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 670.00 pts
8 — Philly Special (Jo), 659.29 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 659.09 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 635.49 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 597.32 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 8.50 pts

Another huge week for Mike (167+ pts) puts him just a hair below first place (I was this close to topping 800 pts this week) and creates a big gap between the top two in the standings and the rest of the crowd. Jeff and Mom D also made impressive pushes up the charts this week, and don’t sleep on Bob climbing up from the bottom of the rankings to respectable territory.

On the flip side, bye weeks killed Dad’s momentum, and I’m pretty sure Jo hasn’t set her roster in weeks. And Anthony’s misplaced faith in the Eagles defense prompted him to leave Stefon Diggs and his 35 fantasy pts on the bench, costing him a medal position for the week.

But the biggest shocker of the week may be Joey McDeadAccount again posting big point totals — WR Marvin Hall of the Lions (not to be confused with WR Marvin Jones of the Lions) had a 58-yard catch at the start of Monday night’s game, doubling our last-place squad’s point total for the season. Joey is on pace to score 24 pts on the season, better known as a standard Lamar Jackson scoring day.

Thursday night’s game is the Chefs vs the remains of the Denver Broncos, a pivotal AFC West match-up that would be so much better on a Sunday afternoon than on a short week’s rest. Get your lineups set anyway.