Fantasy football 2019 -- week 15 recap

 

Sunday’s showdown between the surging 7-7 Eagles and surging 7-7 Cowboys in Dallas will likely decide the NFC East (There’s a scenario where the teams can tie and then really screw up everything). With that in mind, here’s how the two juggernauts match up:

** Dallas is 1-6 against teams with a winning record this year. Philly has lost three games against last-place teams, and went into overtime against a fourth.

** Dallas is 3-7 in games outside the division. Philly is a much more respectable 4-6.

** Dallas QB Dak Prescott is second in the league in passing yards but only 12th in QB rating, thanks to a nearly one-to-two INT-to-TD ratio. Philly QB Carson Wentz is 17th in yards per game but only a few QB rating pts behind Prescott.

** Dallas had three wideouts in the top 50 of receiving yards this year, including WR Amari Cooper (8th). The Eagles have zero, but TE Zach Ertz is 28th among all pass catchers.

** Both teams are terrible. One will get a first-round home playoff game.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.09 pts — started by me
WR: Breshad Perriman, 28.33 pts — on the wire
RB: Kenyan Drake, 38.80 pts — started by Bob
TE: George Kittle, 15.43 pts — started by Mike
K: Kai Forbath, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Minnesota, 28.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Stephon Gilmore, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Thursday night’s win by the Ravens was Jackson’s fourth 40-plus pts game of the season (and he had a 39.4 pt one too). On the season, he is 87 pts ahead of the second-place fantasy scorer (Desean Watson, 363.22 pts) and broke the single-season QB rushing record. If you drop all his QB stats, he’d be the 12th best RB in all of football (and that’s with zero receptions on his resume).

Kenyan Drake’s previous four weeks with the Cardinals: 170 rushing yds, no TDs, 30.1 fantasy pts
Kenyan Drake on Sunday: 137 rushing yds, 4 TDs, 38.80 fantasy pts
Way to show up for the fantasy playoffs, man.



“Defenses we own” edition

3rd place: Chicago, 1.00 pts — started by Bob
2nd place: Cleveland, -4.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: LA Rams, -6.00 pts — on Sam’s bench

It’s not often you can say starting a defense worth -4.00 pts is the right call, but you don’t always get complete incompetence like the Rams had this week: 44 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no life. LA was averaging 14 fantasy pts over the last seven weeks. Against the Cowboys this week, they were tissue paper instead.

Shout out to the Eagles defense, which was worth zero points until the final play of the game, where a fumble recovery and return TD turned in into an eight-point week, just enough to give my opponent enough to knock me out of the fantasy playoffs in my other league. It’s bad enough when the Iggles take years off my life, now they’re taking money out of my pocket too.


** Story in the Philly Inquirer on Saturday: “One of doze games: Sixers sleepwalk up to second place … The team dozed off after a 39-point first quarter but awakened in time to emerge with an unimpressive 116-109 victory over the struggling Pelicans. But a win is a win, no matter how it looks, right? ‘No,’ Sixers coach Brett Brown said.”

Wait, the team won, right? This made it sound like a messy massacre. I’m not sure that a 14th consecutive win at home counts as something to mourn.

** During this week’s special Sunday presentation of Sunday Night Football, as the Bills drove inside the red zone for the first time, NBC talking head Cris Collinsworth gave this deep analysis of Buffalo QB Josh Allen: “What the Steelers need to remember is that he is more of a threat down here with his legs, maybe even more than his arm.”

Maybe more than his arm? What was my other option, if not that? “As a QB, the Steelers need to worry about Allen’s running ability here, much more than his personality or social media savvy.” Of course you meant his arm, Collinsworth.

For the record, one play later Allen rushed in for a TD. I guess the Steelers were more worried about his smile.

** NFL.com headline on Monday night: “Drew Brees breaks all-time TD record”

Unwritten sub-head: “By throwing one more TD pass than retired Peyton Manning and two more than Tom Brady, who will probably break the record again next week and we’ll celebrate all over again like this never happened.”

College football’s bowl season starts this Friday, once again proving that there’s no such thing as too much football. With that in mind, and with the knowledge that the NFL always wants to add more games, why not sprinkle a few non-playoff pro football bowl games into the January schedule? All the Thursday nights are open anyway. Here are a few suggestions:

“I Love LA” Bowl — Rams vs Chargers
Both of the postseason hopefuls from the capitol of southern California will likely miss the playoffs, so why not have an exhibition to show what could have been? Even if it’s an exhibition, the crowd is likely to be as lethargic as any other LA game.

“MVP Healthcare” Bowl — Steelers vs Jags
Both of these teams are going to sit out the postseason because of injuries to their start QBs. Why not capitalize on that? Bring Ben Rothlisberger and Nick Foles to midfield for the coin toss, then watch them both limp off to make way for the remains of their teams.

“Collision Auto Care” Bowl — Bucs vs. Bears
The Bucs have a top-three offense and no chance to make the playoffs. The Bears have a top-three defense and will also spend January at home. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Let’s find out. Plus, it’ll be extra fun to watch the miserable Bear offense try and score against the fragile Bucs defense.

“Aspen Dental” Bowl — Jets vs Dolphins
These teams split their two regular season meetings, accounting for one-third of their combined six victores. So it’s obvious we need a rubber match. Aspen Dental is the obvious sponsor because watching this would be only slightly more exciting than a root canal.


Mitch Hyatt was an undrafted free agent signed by the Cowboys at the start of the year who defied expectations to make the squad. How did he impress the coaches? Officially, they said it was his play in practice, but a closer look at the letters in his name shows that it was more his character that drew the staff to him:

Rookie Left Tackle Mitch Hyatt
** Flattery: Like to hit, cheat, mock

For the record, Mitch Hyatt also anagrams to “cat hit myth” which was also his response when he was charged with animal cruelty in college.

** Another week, another split with Dad. I remain five games back and our weekly record drops/jumps/ties to 1-5-9. Honestly, I cannot remember a time where we were so evenly split on the picks.

Even when we’re close, it’s usually because one of us picks up a few one week and loses ground the next. This malaise is new and unwelcome.

** The Army/Navy game on Saturday featured a huge game from star Navy QB Malcom Perry, who had 304 rushing yards, two rushing TDs and … 0 passing yards.

Navy did actually have one completed pass play, a one-yard TD, but that was thrown by WR Chance Warren. Army managed three pass completions for the game and 25 passing yards, so the would have won if the game had been played in an era where passing still mattered.


Week 15 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1943.92 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1932.86 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1899.22 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1704.11 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1687.27 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1659.47 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1639.03 pts
8 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1637.24 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1608.53 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 1603.40 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1489.68 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

There are still two weeks left in the season, but I think we can make it official: Joey McDeadaccount will not win the Awesome Cup this season.

In fact, it looks like only three of us have a chance to hoist the trophy, but what a race it is. Sam, Mike and I are all separated by just 45 pts (also known as one Lamar Jackson week). The gap between third and fourth is almost 200 pts, so it looks like we already know who are medal winners will be. But what order will they finish? Me first, Sam second and Mike third? Or me first, Mike second and Sam third? The possibilities are … well, just those two possibilities, really.

The four, five and six spots similarly could flip, and places seven through 10 are all up for grabs. It’s about pride, people finish strong and don’t tank hoping for a better draft pick next year (because that process is already all garbled up).

The tyranny of Thursday Night Football is finished for the year, to be replaced by a special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football. First game is 1pm Saturday, Bucs vs. Texans. Get your rosters set early.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 14 recap

 

Just how thin was the Eagles WR corps in Monday night’s overtime win against the Giants?

ESPN reported Tuesday that after Alshon Jeffery left the game early (and after Nelson Agholor and Desean Jackson were already ruled out), and after J.J. Arcega-Whiteside was hobbled in the fourth quarter, Coach Doug Pederson considered sending backup QB Josh McCown out for a few plays because “he's active, he's dressed, he's actually done that in a game before. Now, it has been about 10 years ..."

Despite having almost receivers to throw to, QB Carson Wentz had 50 pass attempts in the comeback victory and threw no interceptions. Moving ahead, though, a robust passing game without receivers feels like a problematic situation. Here are a few ideas for the team to consider to make up for the offensive limitations:

** Move CBs Ronald Darby and Jalen Mills from defense to offense. I mean, someone catches a long TD every time they’re on the field, so…

** Move Wentz to WR, see how he likes it when the pass sails wide for no reason.

** Put RB Boston Scott on top of RB Jay Ajayi and see if combined the two are tall enough to create a legit red zone threat.

** Maybe Antonio Brown isn’t such a crazy idea after all?

** Let’s really test K Jake Elliot’s leg, see if he has some 75-yard field goals in him.

** Whatever, just keep throwing the ball to TE Zach Ertz.

 

QB: Drew Brees, 50.06 pts — on Dad’s bench
WR: Emmanuel Sanders, 27.7 pts — on Sam’s bench
RB: Aaron Jones, 26.27 pts — started by Sam
TE: Zach Ertz, 22.57 pts — started by Jo
K: Jason Sanders, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 19.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Quandre Diggs, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Fun fact: Of the top nine fantasy QBs this week, our league only started two. Four of them (Mitchell Trubisky, Ryan Tannehill, Drew Lock and Jacoby Brissett) were unowned, and other luminaries like Jimmy Garoppolo and Philip Rivers were riding the pine. But none matched the week of Brees, who threw for 349 yds and five TDs in the Saints loss to the 49ers. Dad has been carrying two QBs all year, and it is tough to bench Patrick Mahomes for anyone, but at least for this week it was a difference of 35 fantasy pts.

This is Ertz’ third appearance atop the TE list in the last six weeks, so it’s good to see the Eagles finally remembered that he is still on the team.

Props to Joanna for getting two players on the top performers list this week, but that success is undercut somewhat by her decision to continue starting a benched Nick Foles in her QB spot. I still love the guy too, but it’s hard to collect any fantasy pts when you’re not playing.



“Defenses we started” edition

3rd place: New Orleans, -1.00 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: San Francisco, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Carolina, -5.00 pts — started by me

The 49ers 48-46 win over the Saints was the game of the season so far, but it also meant it was a miserable day for two of the league’s top defenses. The combined 94 pts on the field meant a combined loss of five points for Ant and Paul, both tough breaks considering how solid both of those teams have been as fantasy scorers. Coming into the game, the 49ers defense had topped 15 fantasy points five times this season and only scored in single digits four times. The Saints over the last three weeks had totaled 38 pts, and recorded nine sacks just a week earlier. Tough break.

The Carolina defense’s collapse was less of a shocker, and frankly on an idiot would be starting them at this point.


** During Monday night’s game, ESPN talking head Booger McFarland noted that Eagles DE Derek Barnett was out for the evening’s game against the Giants, adding that “he had arguably the best game of his career last week against the Dolphins.”

And Barnett did have a decent statistical game against Miami: Six tackles, two for loss, one sack and four QB pressures. So, it’s worth noting that.

However, if you wanted to argue with Booger over that, you could point out that he probably would list the best game of his career as the one in his rookie season where he recovered a key Tom Brady fumble in the fourth quarter to help secure the Eagles first ever Super Bowl victory. I dunno, that feels like maybe his “best” game.

** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt, in the post-game show, gave this poetic analysis of the Eagles effort: “In overtime, this offense that looked like butt in the first half came alive!”

Look, I’m not disagreeing, but you’re a professional TV announcer. Maybe upgrade to third-grade words next time.

** ESPN has stopped listing basketball scores on their mobile app under the heading “NBA” and instead uses “The Association” as the header and no. Just, no. It sounds like rival gang in Grand Theft Auto.

The NFL world was shocked — SHOCKED — this week by allegations that staffers from the New England Patriots might be engaged in cheating. A video crew was caught filming the Cincinnati Bengals' sideline during their game against Cleveland on Sunday. The Patriots play the Bengals next week, but have insisted the work was part of a promotion video and not to steal their upcoming opponent’s playbook.

Normally this kind of activity by the Foxboro boys wouldn’t raise any eyebrows, considering the team’s spotless history of fair play. But there have been some troubling signs in recent weeks that are calling raising questions. Consider:

** Ahead of Sunday’s game, the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms were accidentally sent to New Jersey instead of Massachusetts. NFL officials said it was a simple shipping accident even though TE Ben Watson was seen driving the truck across the state line.

** After the Patriots victory over the Jets last month, coach Bill Belichick was seen on the sidelines gnawing on the bones of defeated and dismembered QB Sam Darnold.

** Two weeks ago, members of the Houston Texans staff complained when QB Tom Brady approached their sideline mid-game wearing a DeSean Watson jersey and asking to review the playbook again.

** The Patriots this week introduced a new mascot named the “Colonial Spy” who has been patrolling visiting team locker rooms with “authentic 18th century” recorders and HD camera equipment.

** WR Julian Edelman missed four games last season after a PED suspension but everyone seems just fine to ignore that even though his previous nagging injury issues are all but gone now.

I just hope this latest incident doesn’t leave a black mark on that team’s reputation. It’d be a shame if people remembered them not for the winning but instead for multiple cheating issues.


Part of the reason for the Dallas’ squad’s poor play this year is the low IQ of the team — beyond their inherent evil, this team is also particularly dumb. Just consider one of the new linemen they drafted at the start of the year.

Cowboys Tackle Brandon Knight
** Blanked catch — Boy knows no grit
** Blander tact — Boy knows choking
** Tabled crack — Boy knows nothing

One thing is for sure, that boy does not know much.

** Split the games with Dad again, bringing our head-to-head record to 1-5-8. Dad remains five games up for the year. The ties have already clinched at worst a tie for the season. That’s a lot of ties.

** So, if the Cowboys lose to the Rams on Sunday, and the Eagles beat the Maryland Racial Slurs next week and the Cowboys the week after, they’ll be 8-7 and clinch the NFC East with a game to spare. So they could rest their starters in the final week of the season to prep for the playoffs.

And then the four horsemen will ride in and dispense justice upon the world.

** Ohio State was the #1 team in football on Friday, won the Big Ten championship by 13 points on Saturday, fell to #2 in the polls on Sunday and opened as a three-point underdog to #3 Clemson on Monday. Because college football doesn’t ever make any sense.


Week 14 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1806.78 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1796.88 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1733.42 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1588.72 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1577.76 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1555.21 pts
7 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1540.10 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1510.51 pts
9 — Philly Special (Jo), 1509.47 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1464.03 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1358.69 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

And just like that, my lead is gone. Sam posted a monster 171-plus-pts week to jump ahead of me and be the first team over the 1800-pts plateau. Starting Alshon Jeffery and his 0.00 fantasy pts this week did not help my squad in the end.

Sam and I are both starting to pull away from Mike, and then there is a gigantic gulf between the medal winners and the second tier. Fewer than 80 pts separate fourth place from ninth, though, so we could see some interesting shakeups down the stretch.

Thursday night game is Ravens at Jets, which means a quick turnaround for the injured Lamar Jackson, which means he probably won’t play and the NFL’s stupid mid-week game policy will screw over thousands of fantasy owners in their playoffs. Great move, guys. Really loving this constant money grab.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 13 recap

 

Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick made NFL history on Sunday by starting against an opponent (the Eagles) for the 7th time in his career with seven different teams. In honor of his bizarre achievement, let’s take a look back at his career:

** For his career, Fitzpatrick has a 39.3 win percentage in games in which he has started. But against the Eagles, he’s 3-3-1.

** As a starter the last two seasons with the Dolphins and Bucs, Fitzpatrick has posted a miserable 5-11 record. But against the Eagles, he is 2-0.

** For his career, Fitzpatrick has 15 more turnovers than TDs (221 passing and rushing TDs vs. 236 INTs and fumbles.) But against the Eagles on Sunday, he had 3 TDs and one turnover (on the first play of the game).

** On the season, Fitzpatrick’s offense had averaged 16.4 points a game coming into Sunday. But against the Eagles on Sunday, the offense scored 37 points, their most of the season.

** For his career, Fitzpatrick is a joke. But against the Eagles, he’s a Pro-Bowler, because the Eagles are a joke right now.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 36.12 pts — started by Joel
WR: DeVante Parker, 26.10 pts — started by Paul
RB: James White, 30.43 pts — on Bob’s bench
TE: Tyler Higbee, 16.63 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 17.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Tampa Bay, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Devin White, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Did you know that Eagles WR Alshon Jeffery was the #2 wideout on the week, with nine catches for 137 yds and a TD? Of course you didn’t, because Parker’s 159-yds, two-TD performance against the Eagles completely outshined him.

Did you know that Tampa Bay’s defense has scored more fantasy points in the last two weeks (40 pts in wins over Jacksonville and Atlanta) than they did in their previous nine games (34 pts)? Of course you didn’t, because no one watches Tampa Bay games.



“Really bad” edition

3rd place: Trevor Davis, -1.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Foles, -1.98 pts — on the wire
1st place: Troymaine Pope, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The start of December was not kind to St. Nick, who had three turnovers in the first half against Tampa Bay (all of which turned into Bucs TDs) and was benched at halftime to make way for rookie sensation Gardner Mishnew (who was only slightly better). Jacksonville has not won a game yet this season in which Foles has played a down, and he has more turnovers on the year than he does TD passes (four vs. three).

This time last year, Foles was gearing up to lead the Eagles on a surprise playoff push that included a 471-yard, 4 TD performance against a playoff-bound Houston squad. On Monday, Foles lost his starting job in Jacksonville for the rest of the year, as the coaching staff announced they’ll go with Mishnew instead. That’s a rough 12-month difference there.


** Eagles QB Carson Wentz said this in the post-game press conference on Sunday: “I believe in the defense. I believe in the offense. I think we’re going to get this thing going in the right direction.”

No, no, and no.

** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson in the post-game press conference on Sunday: “We’re still a good football team. ... We self-destructed in a couple areas today and that hurt us.”

In fairness, the only areas where they self-destructed were on offense, defense and special teams. Their locker room clean-up was fine.

** There has been a Twitter fantasy football ad in my feed for weeks that states “If Sammy Watkins can stay healthy, look out!” And then it plays a video about fantasy football advice.

Here are Watkins stats over the last four weeks that the ad has been running: five catches for 39 yds, two catches for 26 yds, bye week, zero catches for zero yds.

I think I’m done looking out, guys.

ESPN made an interesting point on Monday night (I know, I’m as shocked as you are) that the 2012 NFL draft, which was supposed to be one of the top-heavy QB classes in memory, actually had more talent in the later round QBs than the first-rounders. Consider:

1st rounders: Andrew Luck (Pro Bowler, now retired), Robert Griffin (Pro Bowler, now a backup), Ryan Tannehill (marginal starter), Brandon Weeden (sub-marginal starter).
Notable later QBs: Russell Wilson (3rd round, Super Bowl MVP), Nick Foles (3rd, Super Bowl MVP), Kirk Cousins (Pro Bowler)

Which got me to thinking … how often does that happen? Let’s go back a few years and see.

2017 firsts: Mitchell Trubisky, Patrick Mahomes, DeShaun Watson
Notable later QBs: DeShone Kizer (2nd), Nathan Peterman (5th)
Pretty easy call here. Mahomes won the MVP last year, Watson is a threat to win it this year. The other round guys are forgettable.

2016 firsts: Jared Goff, Caron Wentz, Paxton Lynch
Notable later QBs: Jacoby Brissett (3rd), Dak Prescott (4th), Kevin Hogan (5th)
Tougher call. Goff and Wentz have been great at times, but Prescott and Brissett may be passing them already. You’d have to go with the later-round value here.

2015 firsts: Jameis Winston, Marcus Mariota
Notable later QBs: Trevor Siemian (7th)
The first rounders get it here, but this entire class is pretty awful.

2014 firsts: Blake Bortles, Johnny Manziel, Teddy Bridgewater
Notable later QBs: Derek Carr (2nd), Jimmy Garoppolo (2nd), AJ McCarron (5th)
None of the first round guys are still playing. Carr and Garoppolo and both playing and winning at the moment.

2013 firsts: EJ Manuel
Notable later QBs: Geno Smith (2nd), Matt Barkley (4th), Landry Jones (4th)
Truly, this was the worst QB class in memory. Let us never speak of it again.

2011 firsts: Cam Netwon, Jake Locker, Blaine Gabbert, Christian Ponder
Notable later QBs: Andy Dalton (2nd), Colin Kaepernick (2nd), Tyrod Taylor (6th)
Newton alone wins this year for the first-rounders, but absent him this would easily go to the later guys.

2010 firsts: Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow
Notable later QBs: Jimmy Clausen (2nd), Colt McCoy (3rd), Mike Kafka (4th), John Skelton (5th)
Honestly, I’m not sure there is a difference between Bradford and McCoy. And with Kafka and Skelton at least getting a bunch of starts, I’d at least make this a push.

2009 firsts: Matt Stafford, Mark Sanchez, Josh Freeman
Notable later QBs: Pat White (2nd), Nate Davis (5th), Curtis Painter (6th)
I’m honestly not sure if any of those later round guys ever started a game. Make fun of Sanchez, but he at least was good for a couple of years. Oh yeah and Stafford passes for 4,000 yards annually.

2008 firsts: Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco
Notable later QBs: Chad Henne (2nd), Josh Johnson (5th), Matt Flynn (7th)
A Super Bowl MVP and regular season MVP for the first group, and a handful of forgettable starts for the second group.

So, what have we learned here? Over a decade stretch, the first-rounders go 5-3-2 against the other rounds. I count 10 reliable, good starters among the first-rounders and eight among the other rounds.

I dunno. I’m not sure I’d put a lot of money on Tua Tagovailoa and Joe Burrow becoming NFL stars in years to come. But I might bet a little on a second-round Jake Fromm making noise in the 2024 playoffs…


Not a lot of good news on the football front this weekend, but one bright spot was the Bills’ surprising victory over the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, leaving the NFC East in complete free-fall. None of the teams in the division have winning records after 13 weeks of play. But what does the shocking loss mean for us as a people? Luckily, the magic letters tell us the meaning behind the results:

Cowboys upset in Dallas on Thanksgiving Day
** Bah! God loves you, and spanking scaly nitwits

Who are you to argue with God?

** FINALLY! Not only did I win the week against Dad, I swept him, picking up three games and cutting my deficit for the year down to five games. The victory brings me to 1-5-7 against Dad on a weekly basis and lets me start the final month of the season with momentum. In addition, I successfully called the Bengals first win of the season, so I got to share in the joy of that 1-11 team pride. That first win just feels so good...

** The Saints clinched a playoff spot before Thanksgiving. That just feels wrong.

** Speaking of the playoffs, six more teams can clinch post-season berths this weekend: The Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, 49ers and Seahawks. Also, the Maryland Racial Slurs can win the NFC East if they win their last four games, have the Cowboys lose their last four, and have the Eagles win their game against Dallas but drop their other three. It’s ridiculous, but so is the division.

Week 13 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1696.82 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1635.21 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1612.84 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1486.42 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1479.99 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1453.19 pts
7 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1427.29 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1422.51 pts
9 — Philly Special (Jo), 1415.03 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1372.78 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1271.72 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joe McDeadaccount), 30.43 pts

Some movement in the standings, but largely to no avail. I got thiiiiiis close to topping the 1700-pts barrier this week and stretched my lead over Sam. With just four weeks left, the Awesome Cup is mine to lose.

Joanna took a big tumble this week, falling two more spots to nearly double-digit land. Ant and Paul both saw healthy jumps in the standings. Joe McDeadaccount did not score any points this week, thankfully.

Somehow there are still three Thursday night games left, none of them looking that interesting. Cowboys take on the Bears this week, so get all your Chicago rooting gear ready, I guess. A Dallas loss won’t help the Eagles if they can’t get their own house in order, but it’s still enjoyable to watch.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 12 recap

The Eagles had five turnovers at the hands of the Seahawks on Sunday, their worst total since 2013 (back in the good old Chip Kelly days). To put how bad that performance is into perspective, here are some notable stats which are less than that result:

4 — Total TDs the Eagles offense scored in November.
3 — Total turnovers forced by the Eagles defense in November.
4 — How many the Eagles have scored more than 22 pts in a game this season.
3 — Home losses the Eagles so far, against three wins.
4 — Total punts by the Eagles on Sunday, because you don’t need to punt when you just turn the ball over.
3 — Number of opening day WRs on the disabled list this week.
4 — Games left this season against teams with a losing record, giving some sign of hope for this mess of a season.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 46.26 pts — started by me
WR: Chris Godwin, 27.77 pts — started by Joel
RB: Leonard Fournette, 30.33 pts — started by Mike
TE: Zach Ertz, 18.07 pts — started by Jo
K: Dustin Hopkins, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Maryland Racial Slurs, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Vita Vea, 10.07 pts — on the wire

Jackson’s five-TD performance on Monday Night Football got all the attention this week, but don’t sleep on what will probably be the only appearance in the top performers by multiple members of the DC-area football team. Slurs’ K Hopkins hit two FGs inside the two-minute warning as the team stole only their second victory of the season from the Detroit Lions. At 3-7-1, the Lions have managed to beat the 2-9 Giants, the 4-7 Chargers and … of course, the 5-6 Eagles. That game could be what separates Philly from the playoffs. Awesome.

Hey, remember Zach Ertz? The guy who set the single-season mark for TE catches last year? He reappeared for the Eagles on Sunday, grabbing 12 catches for 91 yds and a TD. Ertz is on pace for 97 catches and 1,035 yds for the year, which is impressive considering I had forgotten he was still on the team. Also, I wrote almost this exact paragraph three weeks ago, last time he was in the top performers, and I forgot about that too.

Bucs DT Vita Vea became the heaviest man ever to score an NFL TD on Sunday, reeling in a one-yard pass in Tampa Bay’s win over the Falcons. He clocks in at 6-foot-4 and 347 pounds. To celebrate the achievement, he ate the ball.



“Defenses that once were good” edition

1st place: (tie) Miami, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) LA Rams, -3.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
1st place: (tie) Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Joel

OK, the Dolphins’ defense hasn’t been good for a long while. And the Rams ran into the buzzsaw that is the Ravens’ offense. But what happened to the Packers? This defense has consistently held opponents to under 24 pts (except for week 4, when they gave up 37 to the Eagles, gawd that team just makes no sense) but got blown away by the 49ers on Sunday.

If you had opted to start the Cardinals defense this week — which hasn’t allowed fewer than 21 pts in any game all year — you would have ended up with more pts than the Packers.

For the record, the Cardinals were off this week.

** From a new Washington Post poll this week: “Nationals are D.C.’s favorite team”

“More than one in four D.C. residents — 28 percent — name the Nationals as their favorite local team. … Meanwhile, fandom for the Redskins, long the dominant sports team in the region, has plummeted, with just 13 percent calling them their favorite local team. They are followed by the Capitals with 10 percent, the Wizards and Mystics, both at 8 percent, and D.C. United at 6 percent.”

Not appearing on that list: 23 percent of folks survey said they don’t like any of the local teams. So, an alternate headline for the piece might be “Only slightly more people in DC care about the Natinals than root against all the local teams.”

** At halftime of the Sunday night game, with the 49ers leading the Packers 23-0, sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya said that when she spoke with Green Bay coach Matt LeFleur, he was not thinking about throwing away the playbook.

“We’re sticking to our plan,” he said. “If we go away from that plan, it could get even uglier.”

The Packers lost 37-8, but I guess with a different plan maybe they would have lost by more than four TDs.

** There’s a new FOX show coming up that’s explained in the commercials as an assistant sheriff who is promoted to sheriff after the sudden death of the original sheriff and now he’s going to use his position as sheriff to clean up the entire department. But the new sheriff faces a lot of resistance, including some of the old sheriff’s allies who vow they’ll bring down the replacement sheriff.

The show is called .... “Deputy.”

I did not see that coming.

The most important part of celebrating Thanksgiving is, of course, relaxing in front of the television and enjoying some football. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to do that on Thursday:

— Turn on Fox at noon.
— Grab antacid tablets, realizing that the first game will upset your stomach.
— Watch the battle for last place in the NFC North: The 5-6 Bears take on the 3-7-1 Lions.
— Flip over to CBS at 4pm.
— Grab three beers, realizing you’ll need to be drunk to enjoy the next game.
— Watch the All-Overrated Bowl: The 8-3 Bills, who are 1-1 against teams with a winning record, take on the 6-5 Cowboys, who are 0-4 against teams with a winning record.
— Turn on NBC at 8pm.
— Grab your stress ball, to calm yourself after realizing how bad the football spread is this year.
— Watch the most confusing rematch in the NFL this season: The 9-2 Saints take on the 3-8 Falcons, who inexplicably blew them out three weeks ago in New Orleans.
— Go to bed, and hope for happier football dreams.


Defensive end Michael Bennett was a key component of the Eagles 2018 season, providing some stability and pass rush along the line. Then, in the offseason, he was traded to the Patriots. And then they traded him to the Cowboys. So, how do we feel about him now? The same way he feels, according to what his name spells out:

Dallas traded for DE Michael Bennett
** Clan add: Demented traitor feels blah

In fairness, you’d be demented too if you got traded three times in 18 months.


** Another week, another tie. 0-5-7 against Dad so far this year. Eight games back. This has gone from absurd to monotonous.

** The NFL announced its Hall of Fame finalists for this season: S Troy Polamalu feels like a lock, WR Issac Bruce and RB Edgerrin James feel like they should already be in. , wide receiver Reggie Wayne. The only Eagle on the list is RB Ricky Watters, and that feels like a reach to me. RB Fred Taylor was also announced as a finalist but was injured shortly thereafter.

** I’m not saying the Eagles are going to lose to the Dolphins, but I would not bet on the spread.

** I mean, a Fred Taylor injury joke? It’s like we’re back in 2008.

Week 12 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 1575.12 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1520.97 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1508.92 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1384.39 pts
5 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1353.73 pts
6 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1352.02 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 1350.93 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1342.78 pts
9 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1287.80 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1249.03 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1136.37 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (JoeMcDeadaccount), 30.43 pts

With almost 75 percent of the season finished, we have three distinct tiers in the standings (well, four, since Joey is in his own world down there).

The bottom bracket is lead by Paul (who’s latest name is … darker … than usual). Bob sits within striking distance of that 10th place spot, and Joel’s respectable 104-pts week puts him at least in contention for a decent push over the final month of the season.

The race for fifth place is crowded: Four teams sit within 10 pts of each other. But Mom D has established herself as the leader of this pack, with wishful thinking that she can jump up into the top group.

But the medal positions seem to have separated themselves already. Another strong week from my squad (thank you, Lamar Jackson) puts me firmly in the driver’s seat, while Mike and Sam continue to hang close. It all sets up for some interesting end-of-the-season battles, provided everyone remembers to set their rosters.

That starts this Thursday — three games are set for turkey day enjoyment, so remember to set your teams early. You don’t want to have to dash away from a full dinner spread just because you forgot about one of the Lions wideouts.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 11 recap

 

The Eagles are 5-5 and still very much in the thick of the NFC East race, since the division is by far the most pathetic in all of football this year. Consider:

— Combined, the four NFC East teams have 14 wins, the least of any division. Second worst is the AFC North, which has 17. The top is the NFC West, with 26.
— Of those 14 wins, six of them are from within the division. Three more are against the Dolphins and Jets, two of the five worst teams in all of football.
— The NFC East teams also have a combined -121 point differential this year. The second worst division is the NFC South, with -68 … almost half as bad.
— Absent divisions, if the playoffs were to start today, the Cowboys would be the sixth seed in the NFC, just barely beating the Rams in a tiebreaker for the final spot.
— The division has the Washington Racial Slurs, who appear to be the worst team in football even though they have one more win than the 0-10 Bengals.

And yet somehow, the Eagles or Cowboys will get a home playoff game in January. Because, NFL.

 

QB: Lamar Jackson, 41.48 pts — started by me
WR: John Brown, 25.63 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Mark Ingram, 20.77 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Ryan Griffin, 15.77 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Stephen Hauschka, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 29.00 pts — on the wire
D: Maxx Crosby, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Russell Wilson’s week off gave Jackson the chance to run past him in the fantasy pts standings. He’s the first player over 300 pts this year, thanks to 2258 passing yds, 788 rushing yds and 25 combined TDs through the first 10 games. And here’s your reminder that he was the eighth QB drafted, two rounds behind Aaron Rodgers (who, coincidentally, is the eight QB in league fantasy pts right now).

That’s a bit of surprise, but it’s nothing compared to the Falcons defense the last two weeks. In their first eight games, Hotlanta had seven sacks, four turnovers and a total of two fantasy pts (five weeks with zero or fewer pts). In their last two games — against the Saints and Panthers, both high-powered offenses — they collected 11 sacks, four turnovers and 40 fantasy pts. Truly, the league makes no sense right now.



“Bad defenses” edition

3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit. -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Texans loss was allegedly the first time since QB Deshaun Watson’s high school days that his team lost by more than two TDs (41-7, to the Ravens). I’m not sure how much credit he should get for that, since I didn’t see him doing much on defense this week.


** Funny sports story of the week, according to multiple outlets: Bengals fan Jeff Lanham was so frustrated with his team earlier this year that before week 5, he told his wife he’d move onto the roof of their restaurant and live there until the Cincinnati squad won their first game. She repeated the boast to a local nes crew covering a tailgate party at the event, and now he has been living on the roof for nearly two months.

Everyone has been asking him what happens if the team goes 0-16 this season, but the question they should be asking is “when are you and your wife getting counseling?” Because it’s pretty clear they just don’t want to live together anymore.

** Clinically insane former Patriots WR Anonio Brown on Tuesday took to social media to apologize for mocking team owner Robert Kraft’s entanglement in a massage parlor scandal earlier this year, saying “sorry for the bad media and the drama! Thank you sincerely.”

So, he’ll be back for week 13, I guess?

How the 0-10 Bengals can still make the playoffs:

— The Bengals win their last six games, and finish the season at 6-10 (6-6 in AFC).
— The Texans lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Raiders lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (4-8 in AFC).
— The Steelers go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Titans go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10. (4-8 in AFC).
— The Browns, Jaguars and Chargers don’t win more than two games the rest of the season (6-10 max record).
— The Broncos and Jets don’t finish better than 3-3 over the last six (6-10 max record).
— The Dolphins don’t finish better than 4-2 over the last six (6-10 max record).

If all that happens, the Bengals should win the tiebreaker if there are at least five teams with the same record. But still maybe not.

Conversely, the Bengals can also make the playoffs if every other team in the AFC is abducted by aliens. Even then, the NFL may decide to just call the NFC West the AFC and leave them out.


Longtime Packers WR Randall Cobb hasn’t been relevant in a few years, but he’s having a career resurgence with Dallas this year. Pundits have credited that to the Cowboys proficient offense, but we know the actual reason for his improved play is his embrace of the foul stench of evil that emanates from the team’s locker room.

It’s no surprise, of course, if you just pick apart his name.

Cowboys Wideout Randall Cobb
** A wounded, scabby colic-bowl troll
** A bad, uncool bro w/ blowy edicts
** A babbly, cow-suited clown odor

Randall Cobb also anagrams to “bad cornball,” but that just felt too easy.

** You’re never going to believe this, but Dad and I split our weekly picks again. I know, you’re shocked. I’m eight games down and 0-5-6 so far in the weekly contests. With only six weeks of football left, the question is not whether I can catch Dad, but whether I can win a single week.

** Ohio State had a chance to set the record for the largest road cover ever in a college football game on Saturday, but instead they fell well short of the -52.5 spread and only beat Rutgers 56-21. What a waste of a day.

** I feel like I should have come up with a joke about Maxx Crosby up there in the top performers. Like, “the extra x is for xcitement” or something. Feels like it just right there.

** Hey I just clinched the regular season title in my other league, which is fun and profitable...

Week 11 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1435.36 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1400.50 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1393.89 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1300.89 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1279.74 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1237.28 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1232.03 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1223.02 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1192.49 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1139.72 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1032.26 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 27.71 pts

A disastrous week for Mike (77.62 pts, yikes) coupled with really strong weeks from Sam and I result in a reshuffling of the medal stand. I’m on pace to approach 2,300 pts on the season now, and our three teams have clearly separated from the rest of the pack with just about one-third of the season left to go.

Mom D continues to put up strong numbers despite some questionable roster moves (like dumping her entire RB corps). Jeff appears to have locked up the race for the fewest roster moves this season (one so far, compared to 25 for me). Dad’s strong week almost pulled him to the top half of the standings. And Joey McDeadaccount continues to pick up a few points each week, making my blood pressure rise.

Colts at Texans for the Thursday night game this week, which is also the last week of byes for the season. After this, the only mistakes on your weekly roster will be of your own doing, not the NFL’s abrupt rest schedule. So plan accordingly.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 10 recap

Recapping the NFL season so far:

The Niners lost to the Seahawks.
The Seahawks lost to the Saints.
The Saints lost to the Falcons.
The Falcons lost to the Cardinals.
The Cardinals lost to Buccaneers.
The Bucs lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Broncos.
The Broncos lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Packers.
The Packers lost to the Eagles.
The Eagles lost to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys lost to the Jets.
The Jets lost to the Dolphins.
The Dolphins lost to the Redskins.
The Redskins lost to the Giants.
The Giants lost to the Patriots.
The Patriots lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Steelers.
The Steelers lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Colts.
The Colts lost to the Raiders.
The Raiders lost to the Vikings.
The Vikings lost to the Bears.
The Bears lost to the Chargers.
The Chargers lost to the Lions.
The Lions lost to the Bills.
The Bills lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Rams.
The Rams lost to the Buccaneers.
The Bucs lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Jaguars.
The Jaguars lost to the Texans.
The Texans lost to the Panthers.
The Panthers lost to the Niners.
And the Bengals haven’t won a game.

So, sorry, but your team can’t win the Super Bowl this year.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 39.42 pts — started by me
WR: Christian Kirk, 30.20 pts — on Sam’s bench
RB: Derrick Henry, 32.00 pts — started by Sam
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.53 pts — started by me
K: Harrison Butker, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Pittsburgh, 28.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Jamal Adams, 20.50 pts — on the wire

Jackson on Sunday became only the second QB to post a perfect passer rating twice in one season, but those two incredible days came against the Dolphins and Bengals, so maybe there should be an asterisk against this one. And as incredible as Jackson’s day was — it included an insane video-game-style 47-yard TD run — he may not have even have posted the best run on Sunday.

That belongs to Adams, who blitzed in for a sack of Giants QB Daniel Jones and instead yanked the ball out of his hands, turned and ran 25 yards for a defensive TD. It was both impressive and hilarious, like watching a grown man steal a football from a baby Eli Manning. I could watch it all day.



“RBs that people own” edition

3rd place: David Johnson, -0.27 pts — started by Mom
2nd place: Tony Pollard, 0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Giovani Bernard, -0.70 pts — on the wire

There may not be a more frustrating fantasy player than Cardinals RB Johnson, who averaged almost 16 fantasy points a game over the first six weeks of the season and has totaled -0.07 over the last four. That includes two games where he started, one of them being Sunday’s five-rush, two-yards and one fumble performance. Pollard and Bernard are backups that have seen some good games: Johnson was a first-round fantasy draft pick who is becoming a team killer.


** During Saturday’s big LSU-Alabama game, CBS announcer Gary Danielson said one of the keys of LSU’s high-powered passing attack is “working to keep all of their passes between 10 and 2, like on a clock.”

First, thank you for clarifying you were talking about clocks, I thought maybe numbers in general had reversed their order.

Second, except for the occasional West Coast offense quick-out play, which I guess could be considered a 9-to-3 range, everyone tries to throw their passes in that area. You know why? Because it’s a lateral or a fumble otherwise. Danielson basically said the key to their offensive success is understanding the forward pass.

** Speaking of that game, everyone was. The matchup of #2 LSU vs #3 Alabama was dubbed the “game of the century” by local beat writers and national pundits, because we only get to see such a match-up of highly-ranked teams … well, actually, it’s every year now that we have the college football playoff.

The #1 and #4 teams play, then #2 and #3 square off. It's how the playoff is set up. Hell, the last few years we’ve had #1 and #2 play each other in the next game. So, this counts as the game of the century if your century spans from Nov. 1, 2019 to maybe the end of the month.

I’m down in North Carolina for part of the week doing a walk through of the Spectrum Center for some political stuff next year. One of the things that jumped out to me this week is the rich sports history of the site — consider some of the highlights the arena has posted since the return of the Hornets and NBA professional basketball to Charlotte:

2014 — Bobcats renamed the Hornets, reclaiming their original name
2014 — Hugo Hornet returns as mascot
2015 — New uniforms unveiled
2016 — New color scheme unveiled

And that’s it.

That’s all that is on a banner outside the court, and it’s stunning. I know the team hasn’t been good, but they did reach the playoffs one year. I would think that's worth mentioning. But apparently the most impressive thing about the team to its owners is that it managed to revert to an old name. It’s a wonder how they haven't won a championship.


Lost in all the excitement of the Cowboys normal evildoing this year was the return of longtime tight end Jason Witten, who bombed as a Monday Night Football announcer and was forced to find employment again. Now there wasn’t much doubt that Witten is a good match for the team — after all, for years he proved he could sully the good name of football as much as any other Dallas player. But it’s worth remembering just how well he still fits in with his old squad:

Cowboys TE Jason Witten returns to Dallas
** Catty welts, no jest: Satan be our sworn idol.

Following Satan is bad enough, but swearing an oath to him just takes it to another level.

** Dad and I split again this week. I’m now 8 games back and 0-5-5 against the old man on the season. At least for a change I’m happy with the result, since he picked the Cowboys to lose and I had no faith in Kirk Cousins.

** Ohio State’s football team scored 73 pts on Saturday, but Ohio State’s basketball team scored 76 on Sunday, so I guess they had the better weekend.

** I'll mention Delaware football again when it's worth mentioning Delaware football again.

Week 10 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1316.27 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1292.07 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1273.41 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1187.60 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1167.17 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1148.54 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1123.00 pts
8 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1106.54 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1094.17 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1042.42 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 942.20 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 23.34 pts

Another week with Mike atop the standings, but the margin remains thin. Sam continues to climb towards the top. I continue to float in the middle. And everyone else continues to fail to reel us in.

This week’s Thursday night game is Steelers at Browns, which in September seemed like it was going to be a great game but now seems like a mess. But the Steelers are still sort of in the playoff race, and the Browns are still the Browns, and the NFL still tells you when to watch, so get your rosters ready.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 9 recap

 

News that WR DeSean Jackson could miss the rest of the season comes as a disappointment to the Eagles, who had banked (rather foolishly) on his health as a key to the offense this year. Now, with the trade deadline already gone, here are a few names the team may contact in their search to bolster the receiving corps:

Jordan Matthews: He was signed by the 49ers at the start of October but cut two weeks ago after a lack of production. Could a third stint with the Eagles be in his future? (Note: I wrote this half joking before his surprise visit to the team on Tuesday)

Michael Crabtree: He had a whopping four catches with the Cardinals earlier this year before being released. But with 54 career regular season TDs, he’s worth a look.

Antonio Brown: Probably the most talented wideout not with a team right now. But he is also clinically insane and likely to face criminal charges at any moment, making his usefulness limited.

Bryce Harper: He’s always open to more money and his legs are fresh from not playing any games in October, so…

JJ Arcega-Whiteside: The Eagles used a second round draft pick on him last spring, but he was cut from the team and never played a down. His combination of speed and … wait, they didn’t cut him? He’s been on the team the whole season? What the hell is he doing then?

DeSean Jackson: Somehow this whole debacle is going to end with the Eagles giving D-Jax an extension. I can just feel it.

QB: Russell Wilson, 49.22 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Tyler Lockett, 28.93 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 35.43 pts — started by Bob
TE: Zach Ertz, 17.37 pts — started by Jo
K: Harrison Butker, 18.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Houston, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 13.00 pts — on the wire

When Russell Wilson wins the MVP this year — which he will, unless the voters decide to give it to Tom Brady for no reason again — it’ll be because of games like the one he had Sunday: 378 yds passing, 5 TDs, a key 21-yrd rush, and a come-from-behind overtime victory. Seattle has a huge game against the somehow still undefeated 49ers next week, then gets a bye before traveling to awww dammit the Eagles have to play Wilson after a week’s rest? This schedule is brutal for the birds. The good birds, not the West Coast ones.

Hey, remember Zach Ertz? The guy who set the single-season mark for TE catches last year? He reappeared for the Eagles on Sunday, grabbing 9 catches for 103 yds and a TD. Ertz is on pace for 92 catches and 1,054 yds for the year, which is impressive considering I had forgotten he was still on the team.

Sadly, Justin Houston plays for Indianapolis and not Houston, which would be so much more convenient.



“People you’ve never heard of” edition

3rd place: Diontae Spencer, -0.76 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cyrus Jones, -1.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Adam Shaheen, -1.50 pts — on the wire

Actually, you do know Shaheen: He plays TE for the Bears and does not know what to do when you pooch-kick the ball in the final seconds of a close game. Shaheen is the one who muffed the kickoff at the end of Sunday’s game against the Eagles, fumbling away the flailing Chicago squad’s final chance at a comeback. Apparently he had a tackle earlier in the game, which gave him back a little of that -2 pts.

Not on the list (but close) was the vaunted New England defense, which actually had to play a real team this week and scored only 2 fantasy pts, it’s first tally below double digits this season. The Patriots defense had only surrendered 43 pts on the season coming into the game against the Ravens, where the team gave up 31 in four quarters. It’s worth noting that the Patriots — who everyone is already writing in for a Super Bowl appearance — are 5-0 against teams with two or fewer wins on the season and 1-1 against teams above .500. But, yeah, they are great.



** Natinals owner Ted Lerner at the team’s championship parade had the quote that best sums up the entire franchise: "They say good things come to those who wait. Ninety-five years is a pretty long wait. But I'll tell you, this is worth the wait."

Washington fans will tell you — if you can find any, because very few actually exist — about all the “suffering” they went through waiting for championships before the Capitals won it all in 2018. And a big part of that is the fact that the last World Series victory they had was way back in 1924, with the Washington Senators.

What they’ll leave out is that after years of no local fan support, the team left town in 1972. So 33 years of that drought is because YOU DIDN’T HAVE A TEAM and that makes it tough to win games.

Couple that with the first five years of the Natinals’ arrival in DC, where the team actively tanked to get higher draft picks and build a young core (see Stephen Strasburg, Bryce Harper, Anthony Rendon). So the Lerners and their fans have really been waiting about nine years for a championship. As a fan of a team that has played in the same city for 136 years thanks to loyal fans, I’ll never comprehend how they ever survived such heartache.

** Every Sunday morning, the Washington Post has a recap of how the top 25 teams did the previous day. Here’s what this week’s column looked like:

#1, LSU: bye
#2, Alabama: bye
#3, Ohio State: bye
#4, Clemson: Beat Wofford
#5, Penn State: bye
#6, Florida: Lost to Georgia
#7, Oregon: late game
#8, Georgia: Beat Florida
#9, Utah: Beat Washington
#10, Oklahoma: bye

Look, I love this feature, but if your top 10 is gonna include the results from just three games, maybe it’s a good week to skip. That’s a lot of print space devoted to summaries of things that aren’t news.

A new ESPN poll of NHL players out today asked whether they have “Gritty fatigue” from the seemingly never-ending onslaught of content from the Flyers mascot. Amazingly, 72 percent of players said no, with several saying they are surprised that “there’s not more of that in the league.”

Lucky for them, there is more Gritty planned in coming months to help maximize the love surrounding the orange pile of chaos. Here’s a look at some of the ideas:

— Changing the puck color from black to orange, and including fur on pucks increase the excitement level.

— A Gritty-themed 5K for charity. Everyone wears orange and then drinks a few beers before leaving.

— A remake of Friends where all of the men are played by Gritty, who still doesn’t talk. The jokes somehow all land better.

— Gritty cologne. It smells like … confusion.

— Requiring Gritty to appear at Flyers games, to give fans a reason to attend them.

Hahahaha but seriously you should go read this ESPN story about Gritty because it will literally turn you into a bawling mess.


To help bolster their defense this season, the Cowboys signed LB Luke Gifford as an undrafted free agent rookie last spring. Why did he go undrafted? Character concerns that scared away other teams, but actually helped him land with the least moral football team in America. Consider:

Cowboys Linebacker Luke Gifford
** Beefy bowleg crick is a drunk fool

OK, that’s not really the anagram I came up with. The actual anagram was “I be bear clown. Go f-ck yourself, kid.” But this is a family-friendly blog, so I’m not gonna share that.

** Split the picks with Dad again this week. I pushed our weekly match-up record to 0-5-4, and remain stubbornly at eight games down. Stupid Jets. Why did I have any faith in you?

** The Giants gave up 10 points in the final 55 seconds of the first half of their game against the Cowboys on Monday. I just can’t make that math work in my head.


Week 9 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1179.46 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 1153.62 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1110.56 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1100.50 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1049.90 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1039.57 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1018.89 pts
8 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 994.33 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 978.33 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 955.56 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 873.68 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 23.34 pts

Mom D started two RBs who combined for 1.56 pts and still lead the week thanks to that Wilson/Lockett combo. She missed out on third place this week by 0.06 pts, also known as 1/8th of a tackle. But the noble performance puts her squarely above Ant in the pecking order, as the former champ continues to slowly slide into oblivion.

Sam continues to stay strong, making the league into a four-team race at the moment. Mike upped his lead over me by a few points this week, but faces a difficult week 11 when three of his top players are on a bye week. So it’s a good time to catch him.

Dad, Paul and Bob are still struggling to get over the 1,000-pts mark, and Joey McDeadaccount continues to infuriate me with his handful of pts each week.

This week’s Thursday night football game is Chargers vs. Raiders, because the NFL hates you even more than usual right now. Get those rosters set.