Seen in Aruba

This is a picture of a jewelry display case at an expensive shop in Aruba's capital. Here are my questions:

1 -- How does an Eagles baseball cap help sell high-end jewelry?
2 -- Is it worrisome that they couldn't find an Eagles' helmet, only a cap?
3 -- Is it worrisome that they paired it with WVU and UNC helmets?
4 -- Is it possible that someone will buy a necklace and that hat, and wear them both walking out of the store?

In depth Eagles roster analysis

The Eagles added 22 new rookies this week – nine through the draft and 13 more as unrestricted free agents over the weekend. Here’s an evaluation of the best and the worst pick-ups, based solely on how funny their names are:

Worst

#5 -- FB Emil Igwenagu, UMass (free agent)

Even the phonetic spelling -- eh-MEAL-ig-wen-AH-goo – is hideous to look at.

#4 -- LS Matt Camilli, UTEP (free agent)

I actually thought his name ended in a quadruple L before I looked closer.

#3 -- WR Elvis Akpla, Montana State (free agent)

I’m feeling a little Akpla right now. Maybe Tylenol will help.

#2-- WR Aaron Pflugrad, Arizona State (free agent)

I don’t even have words for how ugly those letters are together.

#1 -- LB Mychal Kendricks, California (2^nd round pick)

If you can’t spell “Michael” right, how can we trust you to stop the run?

Best

#5 -- DE Vinny Curry, Marshall (2^nd round pick)

You can’t ask for better letter symmetry than that.

#4 -- P Ryan Tydlacka, Kentucky (free agent)

All punters should have funny names, for comic relief purposes

#3 -- TE Chase Ford, Miami (free agent)

NFL player or 1920s private eye -- Those are his only options.

#2 -- WR Marvin McNutt, Iowa (6^th round pick)

You can already hear the fans chanting “Mc-Nutt! Mc-Nutt!”

#1 -- DT Fletcher Cox, Miss St (1^st round pick)

The jokes all write themselves.

Player names too boring to be mentioned:
CB Brandon Boykin, Georgia (4th round pick)
QB Nick Foles, Arizona (3rd round pick)
OT Dennis Kelly, Purdue (5th round pick)
OG Brandon Washington, Miami (6th round pick)
RB Bryce Brown, Kansas St (7th Round pick)
WR Damaris Johnson, Tulsa (free agent)
RB Chris Polk, Washington (free agent)
FB Jeremy Stewart, Stanford (free agent)
FS Phillip Thomas, Syracuse (free agent)
CB Cliff Harris, Oregon (free agent)
WR McKay Jacobson, BYU (free agent)
WR Darnell Williams, Louisiana College (free agent)

A Hall of Fame case for Brian Dawkins

The whole premise of this blog post seems like a no-brainer, but since we've got five years to wait, let's start breaking down the arguments now.

First, from Pete Lieber of Yahoo Sports:

[Brian Dawkins] is the only safety in the history of the game with more than 500 tackles (Dawk has 1,131), greater than 30 interceptions (37), greater than 20 forced fumbles (37) and greater than 20 sacks (26). Those number speak to how Dawkins helped revolutionize the safety position. While he ranks second to Ed Reed with 120 passes defended, he also ranks second in sacks to only Rodney Harrison. Harrison defended 53 passes and sacked the quarterback 30.5 times. Dawkins got to the passer 26 times while still defending an incredible 120 passes.

Now, some additional stats of note:

Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, with Brian Dawkins: 13
Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, w/o Brian Dawkins: 31


Eagles all-time playoff record, with Dawkins: 10-8 
Eagles all time playoff record, w/o Dawkins: 5-11 


Eagles NFC championship appearances, with Dawkins: Five
Eagles NFC championship appearances, w/o Dawkins: One

And, finally, I submit to you the 1:35 mark of the video below:



I await any credible rebuttal.

Fun with numbers, Flyers edition

Putting the Flyers current offensive outburst into perspective:

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Flyers goals scored, last postseason: 29 (11 games)
** Phillies runs scored, this season: 33 (10 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Danny Briere goals, regular season: 16 (70 games)
** Jaromir Jagr goals, regular season: 19 (73 games)

** Flyers hat tricks, this postseason: 2 (3 games)
** Flyers hat tricks, regular season: 2 (82 games)
** Hat tricks, all other playoff teams: 0 (18 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Boston/DC playoff series, combined goals: 11 (3 games)
** Ottawa/NY playoff series, combined goals: 12 (3 games)
** Vancouver/LA playoff series, combined goals: 13 (3 games)
** St. Louis/San Jose series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)
** Nashville/Detroit series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)

More 2012 Phillies ads

Now that the season has started, the Phillies have released their new slate of print ads. Honestly, I didn't expect them to be so angry this early in the season.

Getting to know your fill-in Phillies

With opening day around the corner, there are a few new faces of note on the 2012 version of the Phillies. Here’s a quick introduction:

2B/SS Freddy Galvis
Bio: The highly-regarded 21-year-old has bounced between AA and AAA ball the last few years.
Role: Team officials insisted he was still a few years away from the majors … until Chase Utley and Michael Martinez went down with injuries. Now, apparently, he’s ready.
Suggested nickname: Fred X, Not Utley

1B/OF Ty Wigginton
Bio: This 10-year veteran has played for six other teams already, and also cranked out 150-plus home runs.
Role: He’ll be part of the rotating cast of characters at first until Ryan Howard’s projected return in … June? Let’s say June.
Suggested nickname: Getting wiggy with it, Ty Detmer

OF Juan Pierre
Bio: A 12-year veteran, Pierre looks like he’s 97 years old. He’s also a .296 hitter for his career, so he’ll have to work on strikeouts to fit with the Phillies
Role: He’ll be in the outfield platoon for the early part of the season, and may hit leadoff if Rollins gets moved down to the three spot because of injuries.
Suggested nickname: Juan, Pierre

1B/PH Jim Thome
Bio: No bio available. I’ve never heard of the guy before
Role: This year’s Matt Stairs. Also, he apparently played first base once. No other info on that.
Suggested nickname: No idea. Maybe just his last name? I think it rhymes with “foam.”

RP Jonathan Papelbon
Bio: Papelbon was the Red Sox closer for the last six years. He is a pompous ass.
Role: Papelbon will be the Phillies main closer and primary pompous ass.
Suggested nickname: Pompous-elbon, Dammit get an out already

SP Joe Blanton
Bio: Joe Blanton has been on the Phillies for the last four years. You just forgot because he was AWOL all last season.
Role: Blanton will be the team’s #5 starter until, as part of an annual hazing rite, they hand that role back to Kyle Kendrick
Suggested nickname: Innings Eater, Not Halladay

Why baseball is unfair

A quick recap of this week's news:

** Ryan Howard, age 32, is slowly coming back from a devastating leg injury that could hamper his career.

** Chase Utley, age 33, is facing degenerative knee problems and may never be the same player again.

** Joe Blanton, age 32, looks too old and worn down to last much longer in the big leagues.

** Jamie Moyer, age 49, looks stronger and healthier than he has in years and will likely be starting for the Rockies in a few more weeks.

The Phillies current depth chart

Eh, I'm sure it'll work out fine.

Field of 64 ... Philly style

It's that time again. March Madness provides us the perfect opportunity to look back at the year in Philadelphia sports and judge everyone accordingly. Presenting this year's real champion:

(Click the picture to view the full bracket, in case you haven't figured that out)

Touring Citizens Bank Park

Got a chance to get a behind-the-scenes tour of the Phillies stomping grounds this weekend, part of Dad's Christmas present. You can see all the very cool sights over at my Flickr page.

10 sensible fixes for the Slam Dunk contest

1 ~~ Electrified rims
2 ~~ Attire: Must wear tuxedos or mascot costumes
3 ~~ Winner gets three free travels for rest of the season
4 ~~ Platform shoes
5 ~~ All dunks performed to "Rock you like a hurricane"
6 ~~ Spanish soccer commentators only
7 ~~ Opponents get water pistols for distractions
8 ~~ Instead of NBA players, invite only NBA owners
9 ~~ Invisible plastic rim covers
10 ~~ Kids dunk free

Phillies 2012 Spring Training ads

Pitchers and catchers reported last week, meaning baseball is just around the corner (six weeks from now). The Phillies haven't unveiled all their print ads yet, but through my industry connections, I managed to get a sneak peek at how they're going after fans' attention this year. Take a look:

Sorting through old treasures

Recently, I pulled out an old crate of baseball cards looking for some missing sports memorabilia. In my search, I found a small box labeled "might be worth something." Just for kicks, here's a look at what 13-year-old me thought might be valuable someday:

~~ Topps 1988 SS Kevin Elster (Rookie, Mets)
Buy it now price = 11 cents
Clearly, this card (and other rookie commemorative set ones I found) suckered me in with the promise getting in on the ground floor of some first-year stars. He hung on for 13 years, but ended his career with a .223 batting average and fewer than 30 RBI a year.

~~ Topps 1988 P Jimmy Key (Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 50 cents
I actually found two different Jimmy Key cards I put aside, for reasons I can't explain. Key actually had a decent career, with four All-Star appearances and two World Series rings. But, I'm still not sure who he is.

~~ Topps 1987 P Shane Rawley (Phillies)
Buy it now price = 60 cents (for 8 cards)
I can only assume that he made it into this pile because of his exemplary name and exemplary choice of teams. Rawley won 17 games in 1987, but finished his career with a middling 111-118 record.

~~ Topps 1990 Checklist #2
Buy it now price = $1.60
This is a piece of cardboard with a list of other cards on it, and somehow it's worth more than everything else I've looked up tonight. Clearly, there is something unusual about this card, but I have no idea what it is. Maybe I did have some clue what I was doing back then...

~~ Topps 1983 M Whitey Herzog (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = 75 cents
Seriously, maybe I was onto something. Herzog was one of the top managers of all time, but who collects baseball cards to get managers? Someone who's looking for a good return on investment, I guess.

~~ Topps 1984 OF Andy Van Slyke (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = $2.25
OMG, I'm gonna be rich. Rich! RIIICCH!!!!
(Seriously, that's a lot for a baseball card)

~~ Topps 1986 P Mark Eichhorn (Rookie, Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 84 cents
Eh, we might be coming back to reality again. I've got about 20 of these rookie cards in here, but I've never heard of any of these guys. Eichhorn had fewer than 100 decisions in his baseball career, and baseball reference has him as the 520th best pitcher of all-time.

~~ Topps 1961 P John Buzhardt (Phillies)
Buy it now price = $3.00
I have no idea who this is and no idea where I got a baseball card from 1961. It's card #3 in that year's set. #2 is Roger Maris, worth $300. Maybe I need to search down into this box a little further...

~~ Topps 1990 SS Greg Gagne (Twins)
Buy it now price = 30 cents
I found one site that listed more than 30 different Topps baseball cards issued for Gagne over the course of his career. None are worth more than 60 cents. Not sure why I thought they would be.

So, nine random cards, likely purchased for under $5, totaling about $9.40 now. Not bad. This would have been funnier if they were worth a lot less. But now I'm going to have to actually check and see if the real ones I didn't scan in (A Jose Canseco rookie card, a Mike Schmidt retirement card, and four Barry Bonds rookie cards) can help fund an early retirement.

Super Bowl anagram

Eli Manning has won the Super Bowl's most valuable player award twice

** Evil brat wins. Ma, Pa bawl. God hates us. We are now in hell. Blast up. No mercy.

Pros and cons of this Sunday's Super Bowl

With two truly despicable teams in the Super Bowl this year, it's difficult to decide who to root for. Here's a quick list of the pros and cons of each team losing:

New York Giants win -- Cons
** QB Eli Manning gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 10 QBs have won more than one Super Bowl. Only three of them aren't in the Hall of Fame. Two of them are active (Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger). The only other non-Hall of Famer is Jim Plunkett.

** Coach Tom Coughlin gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 12 coaches have won more than one Super Bowl.

** New York get its 50th professional sports championship. That's the most of any U.S. city.

** On the eve of the new baseball season, New York fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with Boston fans.

New York Giants win -- Pros
** The Patriots don't win the Super Bowl.

New England Patriots win -- Cons
** QB Tom Brady wins his fourth Super Bowl. Only two other men have won that many: Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. Only one other QB has appeared in five Super Bowls in his career (John Elway).

** Coach Bill Belichick wins his four Super Bowl. Only one other coach has won that many in his career (Chuck Noll).

** Boston gets its 35th professional sports championship, and its 8th in the last decade.

** On the eve of the new baseball season, Boston fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with New York fans.

New England Patriots win -- Pros
** The Giants don't win the Super Bowl.

Tough call. Is it too late to root for the 49ers again?

State of the (Philly sports) Union

[Remarks as prepared for delivery]

My fellow Philadelphia sports fans,

As I stand here before you tonight, I know many of you share my great concern with the days ahead. In less than two weeks, our nation will once again be forced to endure a Boston/New York championship match-up. Our own beloved city is still mired in a one-for-114-seasons title drought. The Phillies failed to achieve last year's high hopes, and the Eagles crushed our dreams of a playoff breakthrough as well. Our city has already braced itself for an amusing but ultimately fruitless hockey and basketball season.

But despite those trials, I am here tonight to assure you, my fellow Sons of Ben, that the state of our union is stronger than ever.

What many of you are calling reason for despair, I see as a sign of hope and greatness yet to come. Yes, the Phillies disappointed us last season. But their 102 wins was a high-water mark for a franchise whose history has redefined what failure in sports means. In just a few years the franchise has gone from a 10,000-time loser to a five-time division champion. And with LeRoy Halladay and Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee still on the team, there is no reason to believe that success is all in the past.

Your Sixers, while flawed, are showing signs of life not witnessed for more than a decade. Your Flyers, while flawed, may have just completed the quickest rebuilding period in major sports history. Both are still far from being championship caliber. Yet, isn't that exactly what we said in the summer on 2008, when another flawed bunch of local heroes scrapped their way into the postseason, then into the championship, and then into history? Who are we to say that these two teams are too far away from the promised land that we should ignore their growing list of achievements?

The Eagles remain a constant source of frustration and heartbreak, and appear further from the ultimate victory than any point in the last decade. But let me remind you that this disaster of a squad sat just one win away from taking the Giants spot in the playoffs this year, proof that even a small break could be the difference between a Tony-Romo-style disaster and the next Tom Brady. Indeed, I stand here tonight to tell you that I believe this team is only one piece away from reaching that lofty goal, and with just a small chance, we could see that glory soon.

(Of course, that one piece is a head coach who knows what a linebacker is, but I digress.)

Yes, there are still injustices in the world. As I speak to you tonight, Boston's football team is preparing for another Super Bowl, and their hockey team is just returning from a victory lap around the White House after last year's Stanley Cup. We sit dangerously close to serious conversations about whether Eli Manning is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. And, this early in the season, the Phillies look like they face serious threats from all sides in their own division, including the Miami Marlins, a team that didn't even exist last October yet somehow owns two World Series titles.

But we cannot let these setbacks tear us apart, as if we were fair-weather Cowboys or Yankees fans. We must believe. We must endure. We must continue to boo. Our very nature is to be pessimistic, but we must be wary not to let that realistic criticism turn to fatalism. We are not Cleveland -- We will reach the top again.

And when we do, we will greet it with the unbridled joy that can only be found on the honest ground of Broad Street, not the phony pavement of Broadway. When you see the Eagles pass on third-and-one, remember Pat Burrell's wave as he crossed over Oregon Avenue. When you see Brian Schneider weakly pop up to left field, remember Chase Utley infuriating the local censors with his unbridled excitement. When you see see a collapsing concussion check drop another Flyers forward, remember when we all sang High Hopes the loudest we ever had.

Thank you. God bless you, God bless America, and God Bless Billy Penn. And screw Eli Manning. Seriously, how does that dope keep winning?

[To be delivered by the Philadelphia Phanatic]

Congrats to Green Bay!

In another record-setting move on Sunday, Packers became the first team in NFL history with 15 or more wins to lose in their first playoff game. Prior to that, every team that scored that many regular season wins made it at least to the conference championship game.

Their loss also guarantees that, for the eighth year in a row, the NFL Super Bowl champion will not be the regular season champion. In the 14 years prior to that, it happened seven times.

College bowl games, by the numbers

After last night’s thrilling BCS national championship game (Alabama 21, LSU 0), here’s a quick look at the 2011 bowl season:

Teams in college bowl games this season: 70

Teams scoring 21 or more points: 47
Teams scoring 41 or more points: 10
Teams scoring zero points: 1 (LSU)

Games with 50 or more total points: 18
Games with 60 or more total points: 12
Games with 21 or more points in one quarter: 21
Games with 21 or fewer total points total: 1 (Alabama vs LSU)

Games with 10 or more TDs: 6
Games with only 1 TD: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games with 5 or more FG attempts: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

Games decided by less than 8 points: 19
Games decided in overtime: 3
Games that were completely unwatchable: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

So, again, thanks to the NCAA for that great SEC rematch as the final taste of college football for the year. It was slightly more exciting than the 9-6 OT win by LSU in the first meeting. But any of the other 34 bowl games would have been more enjoyable.

2011 fantasy recap, final standings

It's been a long, difficult fight, but our fantasy season is once again at an end. Before we award the 10th Awesome Cup championship (or Awesome Cup X, if you prefer), let's take a minute to ridicule the 11 other teams that fell short in the pursuit of greatness.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883.67 pts, 12th place
WHAT HAPPENED? In a dramatic finish, Paul earns the bottom spot in the league by finishing a mere 0.56 pts behind Joel. That's the closest finish we've ever had, and it's especially harsh news for Paul, who had the #1 pick at the start of the season. In his defense, our resident soccer expert thought we were playing European football this year, which explains why he started Landon Donovan at RB the last six weeks.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1884.23 pts, 11th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Joel's final-week heroics allow him to escape the ignominy of finishing in last two years in a row. Instead, he just finishes in terrible shape two years in a row. Worse news still, he loses out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year. I think it'd be funny to rig the fantasy draft next year so that Paul has to take the Stanford QB. I might just do that.

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.24 pts, 10th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody whined more about the league this year than our newbie, and his constant complaints and inattentive coaching earned him a disappointing bottom three finish. I just noticed this week that Sam drafted a defense three rounds before everyone else (round five) and a kicker five round before the crowd (round 4). That's the kind of rebellious, daring coaching that you see out of Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. What Sam forgot, though, is that Belichick only wins when his team cheats. Maybe try that next year.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2038.97 pts, 9th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Got that prediction right on. How did Bob grab the top fantasy player in the league (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers) and still manage to finish in the bottom half of the league? That's like having the top rusher in the league but still managing a losing record. But you didn't see RB Maurice Jones Drew and the Jacksonville Jaguars have that problem, did you? Oh, wait, you did? Nevermind.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2085.13 pts, 8th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Next time I'm tempted to pick Jeff to win the league, remind me of this year. Jeff ended the year with two stars on injured reserve (RB Rashard Mendenhall and QB Jay Cutler) and two members of the Maryland Racial Slurs in his starting lineup (it doesn't matter who, they were all dogs.) None of his wideouts broke the 1,000-yard mark, and only 8 of his final 18 players were on winning teams. Losing breeds losers. That Maryland team is proof.

TEAM: Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2107.15 pts, 7th place
WHAT HAPPENED? The amazing part of Dad's 7th place finish isn't how high he ended up -- he had been as low as 11th at one point -- but instead just how far back 7th place is. He finished more than 384 pts out of first. If we extended the season by three weeks just for everyone below 6th place, and they all kept pace with their weekly average, they still couldn't grab the top spot. That's like the Houston Astros last fall finishing 40 games (or a month and a half) out of first place.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2167.09 pts, 6th place
WHAT HAPPENED? I'm still not sure how Jim's team finished so low, so I'm gonna blame the election season. Our resident Steelers fan actually finished the year starting two Ravens (RB Ray Rice and the Baltimore defense), two Cowboys (WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten) and a former Bengal (now Oakland QB Carson Palmer). If that's not compromising your values for points/votes, I don't know what is. And, much like the Rick Perry campaign, it's just not going to work.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2178.11 pts, 5th place
WHAT HAPPENED? To be fair, I never really thought ChampMike would finish that poorly, but I wanted him to. Between RB Rashard Jennings and WR Vincent Jackson, I have about three years of fantasy football torment, and QB Tony Romo is unlikable for obvious reasons. Another note for next season: We're doing the entire fantasy draft without any Cowboys available. I could even come up with a great anagram for "Cowboy-less fantasy draft" ... but not right now, because I've still got four more team recaps to write.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2277.38 pts, 4th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nailed that prediction too. Joanna managed her squad to the highest-ever finish by a kicker-centered team (We all remember the "Nice Rackers" disaster fielded back in 2005). One could argue that David Akers was more valuable in both real life and fantasy life than Jo's QB, Tom Brady. One could also argue that Andy Reid is a terrific game-day coach. Neither would be true, but it's just fun to argue sometimes.

TEAM: The Wildcat's Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2361.28 pts, 3rd place
WHAT HAPPENED? If not for a spate of injuries, NewMike would be celebrating his second league title right now. WR Andre Johnson and RB Fred Jackson killed his chances down the stretch, even as the QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson combo tore apart the league. But in retrospect, he never should have been that close. NewMike drafted QB Donovan McNabb with his final pick this year, and everyone knows that guy can't win anymore.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2436.67 pts, 2nd place
WHAT HAPPENED? I came thiiiiiiis close to claiming my third Awesome Cup title this season, which would have been an unprecedented triumph in the history of the league. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to perform at this high level of excellence when you set and oversee all the rules for a fantasy game like this. The fact that I finished this high despite having the twin albatrosses of QB Eli Manning and the Eagles defense speaks to both my superb coaching and the greatness of RB LeSean McCoy. And, of course, let's not forget the leadership that S Brian Dawkins brought to the table. You always need good leadership to bring a fantasy squad together.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2491.33 pts, 1st place
WHAT HAPPENED? Ladies and gentlemen, that cool breeze that just blew into town was actually hell freezing over. Anthony, who twice before has finished fourth and three times finished second, finally managed to finish on top this season. His victory is the result of a mix of lucky draft picks, savvy wire pick-ups and a groundbreaking strategy of "actually setting the lineup each week," something many teams fail to accomplish.

In fairness, Anthony did have an advantage this season -- He had two and a half co-managers helping him, with his daughter and expecting wife working in the wings. But, give credit where credit is due. Congrats, Dingus. Your name has been added to the list of greats:


Thanks again everyone for the chuckles this year. Remember to check back at this site through the playoffs and through the off-season for a few more laughs (only a few. I limit it to no more than three laughs a month during the down months) and we'll be back at it again next season.

2011 fantasy recap, week 17

NFL executives would prefer you remember this season as the year multiple passing and receiving records were broken, but what fans should remember is just how bad nearly every team played the last four months. Consider the following:

** The Patriots come-from-behind win on Sunday was the 11th time this season a team trailed by at least 17 points but found a way to win. According to the NFL stats department, that's a new record.

** The Broncos and Bengals, both AFC teams facing a win-and-in scenario on Sunday, opted to lose their way into the playoffs instead. The Broncos actually lost their last three games, but still got a playoff spot.

** Only one team who won their division in 2010 managed a repeat in 2011 (The Patriots).

** The 8-8 Philadelphia Eagles would have earned a playoff berth if they had managed just one more win over the course of the season. The Eagles led in the fourth quarter of five of those eight losses.

** Only 12 teams (out of 32) managed a winning record this season. The only team above .500 not to make the playoffs was the Titans, who lost out on the last wild card spot on tiebreakers.

QB: Matt Flynn, 51.20 pts -- on the wire
RB: Ray Rice, 33.63 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Jordy Nelson, 37.80 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.20 pts -- started by Ant
K: Dan Carpenter, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Curtis Lofton, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Matt Flynn. Congrats on winning a big free agent contract from the Maryland Racial Slurs with that 480-yard-six-TD performance. Whoever said the final week of the season doesn't matter? Oh, wait, that's right, everyone said that. Because it doesn't.

Top performers of the year
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 487.42 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
RB: LeSean McCoy, 318.90 pts -- 8th RB drafted (me)
WR: Wes Welker, 275.84 pts -- 11th WR drafted (Sam)
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 260.69 pts -- 18th TE drafted (Ant)
K: David Akers, 176.00 pts -- 2nd kicker drafted (Jo)
DEF: San Fran, 216.00 pts -- 11th defense drafted (Jo)
D: Jared Allen, 85.00 pts -- undrafted (NewMike)

Props to Joanna for getting on this list twice, but Anthony found the real steals this year. Besides Gronkowski, he got the #4 QB (Cam Newton) off the waiver wire and grabbed Jordy Nelson -- who later turned into the league's sixth best WR -- as the 46th wideout taken in the draft.

Biggest bust of the year goes to Dad, who had the unfortunate luck to see his #1 pick (Jamaal Charles, fourth RB taken) go down in game two of the season and finish the 103rd ranked RB in the league.

Honorable mention goes to ChampMike, who started QB Tony Romo for most of the season, thereby forfeiting his soul for eternity.

Worst performers of the year
3rd place: Bills QB Tyler Thigpen, -0.20 pts
2nd place: Chargers QB Billy Volek, -0.50 pts
1st place: Eagles DB Curtis Marsh, -3.10 pts

Only five players managed to finish the year in negative territory. Four of them were QBs who saw just a few snaps and combined to total fewer than -1.00 pts. And then there was Curtis Marsh, whose only significant contribution to the world was two special team fumbles on consecutive weeks.

But I can't think of anyone more deserving to end up at the bottom of the pile at the end of this wretched football season than an Eagles defensive back. No team is spending more on their secondary this year than Philadelphia, and few teams saw less from their investment than the Eagles.

Here's a quick round-up of the New Year's resolutions members of the Eagles' team made this weekend:

** Mike Vick: Get injured fewer than six times next season.
** Asante Samuel: Double this year's work, make two tackles next year.
** Juan Castillo: Learn what a linebacker does.
** Nnamdi Asomugha: Double this year's work, block two passes next year
** Andy Reid: Find some more bad defensive backs to throw money at.
** LeSean McCoy: Stop trying so hard for really lousy teams.
** DeSean Jackson: Find another team to play for.

Sport Illustrated had a snotty little column today by Michael Farber calling the annual hockey Winter Classic a fraud because "This group of NHLers never played hockey outdoors" and the premise doesn't have any real connection to the sport. A few points on that:

1) Shut up.
2) Hockey fans don't love this game because it reminds them of when Jeremy Roenick was a kid playing hockey outside. They love it because it reminds them of themselves playing bad hockey outside.
3) Shut up.
4) Since when does there have to be a good reason for a fun new venue? One of the best college football games of the last 10 years was that ridiculous contest Northwestern had at Wrigley Field. Sports are allowed to be fun sometimes.
5) Heaven forbid the NHL stick with something popular. It'd be terrible if a loosely justified event like this drew in more fans.
6) Shut up.

ESPN developed a new stat this year -- Total Quarterback Rating -- designed to account for a QB's entire repertoire, and give fans a better perspective on signal callers' true effectiveness. So, what great revelations did the QBR give us?

** Top three QBs in the league were Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Tom Brady. They were also 1-2-3 in any other traditional QB measurement system.

** The bottom three started were Blaine Gabbert, Curtis Painter and Tim Tebow. Gabbert and Painter were the bottom two in traditional QB ratings, Tebow was sixth worst.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith was the ninth best QB in the league in passer efficiency, but the ESPN QBR rating has him ranked 22nd in the league. I guess it doesn't account for things like "winning."

** No matter how the stats are divided, Maryland QB Rex Grossman (25 turnovers in 13 starts) is just terrible.

We've poked a lot of fun at the Cowboys over the course of this year, but now that they've suffered a heartbreaking loss in their finale on Sunday night ... it's time to have even more fun. It's not a matter of meanness -- it's cosmically ordained fate. Just look at this anagram:

Dallas Cowboys stunned again, choke in their final season game
A rainy onion: We laugh at the fools' sadness and bask in comic glee.

If the universe is telling you to ridicule the Cowboys, who are you to disagree?

** Congrats to Dad for winning our weekly picks match-up yet again. He came into the weekend with a four-game lead and won handily after I posted an 0-for-5 performance on our different picks for the week. For the year, Dad finished with a 170-86 record picking games -- that's a 66% correct rate. For the record, that's better work than any of the so-called experts that ESPN uses every week.

** Illinois beat UCLA 20-14 on Saturday in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The teams both came into the match-up at 6-6 and saw their head coaches (and other key coaching staff) fired in the weeks leading up to the game. I know the sponsors can't manage every aspects of these bowls, but you know what helps fight hunger the most? Having a job. So maybe sponsoring the all-unemployment bowl wasn't the best idea.

** Biggest mistake of the hockey game at Citizens Bank Park: No Phanatic. That's an unforgivable oversight. And I thought Lauren Hart was banned from singing at Citizens Bank Park after the clunker curse she put on the Phillies right before game five in October.

** Ha again! The Cowboys ended up in third place behind the Eagles after that loss on Sunday. It'll probably screw the Eagles come draft time, but it's funny anyways.

Final standings will be revealed tomorrow, in the season wrap-up column.