Fantasy league 2015 -- week 6 recap

A look at new Eagles QB Sam Bradford through a little more than one third of the season:

** 38th in QB rating (80.1)
** 30th in 1st quarter scoring (10 pts)
** 18th in yards per game (260)
** 15th in pass plays of 20 yrds or more (17)
** 2nd in INTs (9)
** 1st place in NFC East (which hurts my brain)

He’s also 21st in the league in sacks, before you use the offensive line as an excuse for his erratic play so far. But, winning cures everything, right?

QB: Matt Stafford, 41.90 pts -- on the wire
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 26.87 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Devonta Freeman, 29.73 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Ben Watson, 19.47 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
K: Chris Boswell, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Cameron Wake, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, that was terrible.

Second week in a row the top QB for the week wasn’t even owned by one of our 12 teams. In fact, three of the top five passers on the week are on the wire, with Brian Hoyer (30.22 pts) and Ryan Fitzpatrick (29.72 pts) just looking around for someone to love them.

On a related note, getting pretty sick of Devonta Freeman at this point. At 146 fantasy points, he's 55 pts ahead of the next RB (Matt Forte).
   
“General lousiness” edition

3rd place: TJ Jones, -0.86 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: Corey Fuller, -1.17 pts -- on the wire

Detroit gets its first win of the season on Sunday and still has the two lowest scoring players in the league. I honestly don’t know what Detroit did to deserve this kind of football punishment, but I feel like maybe they have learned their lesson by now.


** ESPN had Green Bay’s Eddie Lacy as their 5th-best RB in their pre-game weekly rankings on Sunday. He finished 51 among running backs on Sunday. Those same experts had the Packers’ James Starks 45th among RBs in their pre-game rankings. He finished 3rd.

In fact, excluding the Monday and Thursday games, only one of their top 10 projected RBs ended up in the actual top 10 in scoring (Matt Forte). That’s an astoundingly low batting average even for the Phillies. And I bet a few of these so-called experts get paid better than OF Odubel Herrera.

** Just before halftime of the Eagles/Giants game, ESPN commentator said that New York coach Tom Coughlin would be furious with his team’s performance in the first two quarters because “he has always valued ball control, and hates turnovers.”

Somebody probably should have told that to his QB, who has more fumbles and interceptions for his career (277 coming into the game) than TD passes (269). A good time to start preaching ball control to him would have been 11 years ago, when it might have made a difference...

Here are a handful of my favorite fantasy football names so far this season:

** Touchdown Grinders
** Freak Cafe
** Field6 Forwards
** Bang Ballers
** Fan2, ManCave2
** Blindside Holdouts
** CheeseSteak Noise

I mean, I think those are fantasy football names. That’s actually just a partial list of FanDuel promo code keywords used so far. They run another commercial every 15 seconds during NFL games, and they switch those codes every single commercial, so I assume there’s some sort of subliminal wordplay exercise they’re attempting. I don’t know if the site is legal or not, but those folks are doing a great job filling up crossword puzzles somewhere.


Reports say the Dallas coaching staff used the bye week to help install newly acquired QB Matt Cassel as the replacement starter for struggling QB Brandon Weeden. That would give the Cowboys their third different starting passer in six games, a less than optimal strategy in today’s NFL. But could it work? Let’s see what the letters have to say:

Bills backup/Cowboys starter Matt Cassel
** Attempt sails, crabby screwball sucks too

It does not surprise me to hear that Cassel is crabby, given that he got his NFL break with the Patriots and Bill Belichick in 2005. That grouchiness tends to rub off on people.



** Picked up two games on Dad this week, so we’re back to even again. This may be the latest in the year that we’ve been tied in the last decade. I consider that a win. And at 63-28 on the season, we’re so far ahead of ESPN’s “experts” that it’s not even worth a joke.

** Most of the former Phillies still playing in the postseason were eliminated when the Dodgers lost, but there are still two beloved Philly stars out there trying to win a championship: OF Ben Revere of the Blue Jays and RP Ryan Madson of the Royals.

So, um, go Cubs.

** There’s a Thursday game and another early Sunday morning game this week, because the NFL still hates you.

Week 6 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 862.23 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 733.09 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 732.82 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 730.72 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 690.84 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 674.76 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 657.52 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 651.59 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 649.42 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 628.77 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 578.41 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 519.52 pts

Dad’s lead atop the standings is growing ever wider, so let’s focus on the rest of the medal positions for now.

Mike and Joanna are separated by just 0.27 pts in the standings, and Sam is less than 2 pts below them. Now that’s a race worth watching. After that … well, let’s just say the distance between second and 10th is less than the distance between first and second. So, everybody stinks.

But I cracked the top 10 for the first time in weeks, so that’s all we really need to worry about. And there are still 11 weeks left before the Awesome Cup is shined up for its presentation ceremony…

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 5 recap

** Through five weeks, only 12 of the 32 NFL teams have a winning record. Only 5 of the 16 NFC teams have winning records.

** This week, 10 of the 14 football games were decided by a touchdown or less. Three games went into overtime. For the season, more than half of the games (40 of 76) have been decided by seven points or less.

** Six teams are still undefeated. Two of them, the Falcons and Panthers, come from the NFC South, which sent a 7-9 division champion to the playoffs last year.

** The Colts are second to last in turnovers, at -7. Naturally, they’re in first place. Denver has the third-worst rushing attack in the league and the 22nd passing attack. They’re undefeated.

** The NFC East is one 49ers TD defense late Sunday night from boasting four 2-3 teams.

QB: Josh McCown, 39.48 pts -- on the wire
WR: Allen Robinson, 20.30 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Doug Martin, 34.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 22.63 pts -- started by Jim
K: Caleb Sturgis, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Fletcher Cox, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Two Eagles make the list, and naturally they are the two you’d expect: A defensive end and a replacement kicker. Makes total sense. Then again, Browns QB McCown collecting as many fantasy points as Tom Brady over their last three games doesn’t make any sense either, so…

For the record, the best performers on the year right now are Andy Dalton (23rd QB taken), Devonta Freeman (36th RB taken), Julio Jones (7th WR taken) and the Denver defense (undrafted). My faith in the fantasy experts is shaken again.


“People with funny names” edition

3rd place:Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Michael Hoomanawanui, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Rex Burkhead, -1.70 pts -- on the wire

I was really hoping for some Steve Beauharnais (49ers LB) or Rontez Miles (Jets S) in here, but no such luck. And Tyler “I fart” Eifert almost made the top performers list, so that’s an extra bummer.


** On Friday, during a WIP radio interview, 41-year-old former professional whiner Terrell Owens was asked if he thought he could help the Eagles win more games this season if they’d sign him at WR. His response? "Absolutely, yes. No question about that."

It should be noted that at the peak of Owens’ career, he could only help the Eagles win for one season. And that was 10 years ago, before he actively caused all his teammates searing pain every time he opened his damn mouth.

** Facing a third and 10 at midfield, his team down by a TD to the undefeated Michigan State Spartans with only a few seconds left in the game, Rutgers QB Chris Laviano took the snap, was sacked near the line of scrimmage, then rushed his team to the line to spike the ball and stop the clock. And he was successful, halting the timer with three seconds left. Unfortunately, those three seconds were controlled by the MSU offense, because when you spike the ball on fourth down, you don’t get a fifth down to try a Hail Mary. Other than that, solid performance.

** NFL network analyst Brian Billick, when asked about the problems facing kickers this year, said that “kickers aren't football players” and “they're different, they are."

I don’t really have qualms about that stupid generalization. I’m just so tired of talking about kickers at this point. It’s like watching repeated pickoff attempts in baseball. I know it’s possibly game changing, but it’s also boring as hell.

The Detroit Lions are almost one-third of the way into posting the second unblemished season in NFL history, starting 0-5 with several hideous losses. But can they repeat their vaunted 0-16 “imperfect” season from 2008? Here’s a look at the biggest pitfalls in the road ahead:

** Week 6: home vs. Chicago Bears
-- This is the first real test. The Bears are 2-3 but truly awful, with a QB who routinely kills their team with picks and an offense riddled with injuries. But it’s also a division rival, so the terrible football should be extra vicious.

** Week 8: away vs. Kansas City Chiefs
On paper, the Chefs are much better. But they just inexplicably lost to the Bears in a game where star RB Jamaal Charles was injured, and the game is in London. So all bets are off.

** Week 12: home vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The annual Thanksgiving game will feature whatever is left of QB Sam Bradford and the Eagles confused attack. But even with a losing record at that point, the birds could be fighting for the division title. Will the Lions be fighting for win #1?

** Week 17: away vs. Chicago Bears
Seriously, this game could feature a 3-12 team against a 0-15 team. If that is the case, I believe the ground opens up and swallows the stadium whole as mercy for our sins.


As the Cowboys continue their slide, we continue our investigation into their vile receiving corps. Can I say there is a connection between this expose and their deteriorating offense? No.

Can I keep producing shots at their receivers just in case it has something to do with their ineptness? Yes.

Dallas Cowboys wideout Brice Butler
** I outed a deceit by all lowbrow scrubs.

So evil…

Dallas Cowboys wideout Devin Street
** Band alludes: We vow to destroy cities.

So evil...


** Dad picked up two on me this Sunday, putting him back in the lead in our weekly picks. Pretty sure I’m 1-4 on picking Bills games this year. Also pretty sure I hate Rex Ryan again.

** If the Eagles beat the Giants next Monday night, they'll be 3-3, in first place in the division, and we'll all feel great about their playoff chances. And that's a terrible indictment on the league right now.

** I don't want to celebrate anyone's downfall, but is there anyone in America who didn't see Jamaal Charles' injury coming? Dude needs to start wearing a Fred Taylor jersey. (Sam, you'll have to look this joke up. It's about football.)

Week 5 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 700.67 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 629.84 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 625.77 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 619.07 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 593.41 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 566.23 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 558.28 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 547.34 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 538.80 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 525.47 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 486.52 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 413.62 pts

Big moves by the Doyle women this week, with Joanna hopping up into second and Mom hopping into fifth. But Dad has managed to open up an early-season cushion for his lead, which would be admirable if not for his shameful rooting for the Giants Sunday night. We’ll see how he does when they square off against the Eagles next Monday, and he has to choose between his civic pride and his unchecked New York apologetics.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the standings, we’ve officially lost Paul’s attention. He started five players on a bye this week and posted a 56.45-pts week, the lowest weekly score I can remember (and, since I’m in charge of keeping records, we’ll just call it the lowest ever.)

And Sam changed his name at some point, to “hippo fantasy” … which is just creepy. But it’s still better than “It Ertz when Eifert,” which had the ESPN fantasy crew laughing for 20 minutes last week, because they’re all eight years old.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 4 recap

Around 3pm on Sunday, as the Eagles struggled down in Maryland and the Phillies got ready to start their final contest of the year, a large bird flying above Citizens Bank Park was killed by a batting practice ball and fell onto the field below, delaying the start of the baseball game.

This almost seems too easy to deal with in this column, but I feel like it’s my civic duty to plow ahead and get the predictable responses out of the way:

** The bird appeared to be a hawk, not an eagle. The dead Eagles were found all over the football field down in Maryland.
** That’s the first outfield fly the Phillies have killed in a while.
** No truth to early reports that Chip Kelly immediately signed the downed bird as his newest running back.
** If a bird dies in an empty stadium, does it make a sound?
** It’s worth noting that in all the news coverage, no one pitied the bird, and many Philly sports writers were openly jealous of its fate.
** Still not the worst collapse in a local sports stadium this year.

Rest in peace, dear fowl. You really are the mascot we needed for October.

QB: Philip Rivers, 32.22 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Tavon Austin, 23.40 pts -- on the wire
RB: Devonta Freeman, 32,70 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Martellus Bennett, 17.53 pts -- started by me
K: Cairo Santos, 27.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Josh Norman, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

So … yeah, not a great week for us. You could have fielded a team that totaled 211 points with just the top available guys on the wire. Meanwhile, we had seven teams fail to break 100 pts this week. We kinda looked like the Eagles out there, folks.


“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Ryan Matthews, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
2nd place: Houston, -4.00 pts -- started by Paul
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- started by me

One week after we had our first lowest-score-possible of the year, we have our first idiot coach who started a defense that bottomed out. Thanks a bunch, big fat Andy Reid. I needed your defense for exactly one week while mine was on a bye, and you cost me a touchdown worth of scoring. Good to see you’re still there to let me down.

There were actually a bunch of different players on our teams that scored zero pts, but Ryan Matthews gets the nod here, because, dammit, Eagles. Just dammit.


** I love me some fantasy football predictions, and RantSports.com doesn’t disappoint, with a weekly feature of “15 players you can safely drop” which higlights complete duds from all over the league. Their week 4 highlights, as of Saturday night? Doug Martin (21.57 pts on Sunday), Rashad Jennings (14.40 pts), C.J. Spiller (16.10 pts), Teddy Bridgewater (17.06 pts), and Brandon Weeden (16.34 pts). But other than getting 1/3rd of their “complete failures” completely wrong, it was a solid list.

** After watching Cowboys QB Brandon Weeden get sacked in the Sunday night game, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth noted that the problem was “when you go backwards as a quarterback, you have to step up and throw. So that’s a problem.” Which means … something, I’m sure.

Vegas released their updated betting lines for this season’s Super Bowl Champion. And while the top two are predictable (Patriots and Packers at 7-2 odds), the rest of the list is … interesting. Consider:

** The Giants are the top team in the NFC East at 33-1 odds. The Cowboys (who beat the Giants) are 35-1. And the Maryland Racial Slurs, who have the same record as those two, are 100-1. Meanwhile, the Eagles are 35-1, despite effectively being two games down on all those teams in the worst division in football.

** The Jaguars, who nearly beat the Colts on Sunday, have the worst odds in the league at 500-1. The Colts, who beat the Jags in overtime thanks to three missed Jacksonville field goals, have 25 times better odds, at 20-1.

** The Bears are 300-1. Would anyone even put a dollar down on them at those odds? Unless it’s over 1,000-1, I can’t see spending a nickel on that wretched team.

** The Panthers, who are 4-0, are 33-1 odds. And it’s just weird to have two teams with odd numbers like that in the list.

** The Buccaneers are 400-1, and I honestly had forgot they were still playing.


A lot of the focus on the Cowboys since Dez Bryant’s injury has centered on whether the other wide receivers on the team will be able to pick up the slack. If the question is whether they’ll be able to pick up the evil slack, the answer is “yes, clearly, they are all Satan’s spawn.” We’re gonna spend the next few weeks looking at the rest of the receiving corps, starting with this sterling pair:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Cole Beasley
** A occult odyssey, so a bewailed bellow

So evil…

Cowboys WR Lucky Whitehead
** Sow debauchery thickly. Wow.

So evil...


** Dad and I split our picks this week, which is fine because I picked Dallas on Sunday night and was very happy to be wrong. We’re tied for the year at 43-20, which is a good enough record that we should be putting real money on this.

** The baseball playoffs are this week, so here’s a reminder who you can root for: The Astros, the Pirates, maybe the Royals, and the Dodgers if Jimmy and Chase do awesome and the rest of the team flails. If the World Series ends up Yankees and Mets again, you’re not allowed to have any more baseball ever.

Week 4 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 550.44 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 530.25 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 511.17 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 488.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 460.57 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 456.78 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 455.11 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 445.00 pts
9 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 428.58
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 396.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 383.13 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 357.17 pts

Prior Awesome Cup champions Dad and Sam are still in the lead, but Joanna has made a serious move up the charts in recent weeks (and posted the highest score this week, 127.60 pts, albeit the lowest highest score I think we’ve ever had).

We’re starting to see a gap forming around the bottom half of the standings, separating the contenders from the NFC East contenders. The season is already one-quarter over, folks. Time to get a move on.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 3 recap

It's no surprise that the Eagles and Phillies both saw dramatic victories on Sunday while the Pope was visiting Philadelphia -- divine intervention routinely plays a role in most sporting events. Consider the following:

** Sept 2006 -- In their first game back at the Superdome after a year absence, the Saints put on a heavenly inspired game and drubbed the Falcons 23-3. Afterwards, the Catholic Church admitted it put in a good word for the New Orleans squad after being confused by the cheers of "Saints Saints Saints!"

** Feb 1989 -- A then lightly regarded Joe Montana (a Notre Dame grad) leads his 49ers on a 90-yard game-winning TD drive to capture the Super Bowl. In the stadium is Jesus, disguised as John Candy.

** March 1996 -- Shortly after the Cowboys win their grid Super Bowl in four years, NFL officials admit that Lucifer had been secretly acting as league commissioner for the last half decade. As atonement, the league institutes a salary cap just weeks later.

** Dec 2010 -- The Virginia Tech Hokies score an upset 44-33 victory in the ACC championship game behind QB Tyrod Taylor, named for Saint Tyrod of Thessalonia.

** May 2017 -- While crossing the street, Patriots QB Tom Brady is struck down by lightning for his vast array of sins.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 44.92 pts -- started by Sam
WR: AJ Green, 32.13 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Devonta Freeman, 38.07 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 24.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Arizona, 34.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Tyrann Mathieu, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Thiiiiiiis close to our first perfect week of the season, with all but the elusive defensive player started by our teams this week. Minus Gostkowski (whose name I hate having to look up over and over), our top performers racked up 15 TDs on Sunday and Monday, lead by Rodgers’ disgusting 5 TD passes in the Monday night dismantling of Kansas City.


“Getting defensive” edition

2nd place: Dallas, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place: Miami, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench

And with all those TDs on the offensive side, somebody had to suffer. Dallas and Kansas City each managed one sack on Sunday amid all their ineptitude to escape the lowest fantasy score possible, but Miami wasn’t so lucky: 41 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no success. It’s tough to have a worse day than the Jaguars, who allowed 51 pts in their loss, but the Dolphins found a way.


** ESPN listed three keys for the Auburn Tigers to win their game against Mississippi State on Saturday. #3? “On defense, tackle somebody.”

That might be glib and funny if the first two weren’t ridiculously specific: “7+ explosive plays on offense” and “an offensive pace of 70+ plays.” None of it mattered, as the Tigers lost despite a decent defensive effort, 17-9.

** The University of Virginia is having a rough football season, but the announcers this week pointed out that they’ve been successful in a lot of other sports. “The Cavaliers this year were champions in soccer. In tennis. In baseball. In Omaha.”

The important thing to remember here is this section is the stupidest thing I heard this week, because I’m sure if it was written, the last bit would have said “In baseball (in Omaha, where the championship game was held.)” But that sure ain’t what it sounded like. It sounded like we’re playing competitive Omaha now, which I assume means tossing steaks or something.

Since there was some ambiguity this week as to the proper way to build camaraderie and teamwork in sports, here are a few general rules:

** If a teammate makes a mistake, point it out in a constructive and calm manner. Do not choke him.

** If a teammate responds angrily to your comments, reply in a firm but respectful tone. Do not choke him.

** If coaches are presenting alternative advice, listen to their suggestions and ideas. Do not choke your teammate.

** Never be on a team with Jonathan Papelbon.


Rookie lineman La'el Collins made his NFL debut on Sunday during Dallas’ collapse at the hands of the Falcons, gaining mixed reviews for his work. But his anagram game is already strong. Consider:

OG La'el Collins
** No logical sell

Not a bad start, but what does he think of his teammates?

OG La'el Collins
** Ills gone local

OK, but this is the professional den of evil. What’s the worst thing that he can bring to the Cowboys?

OG La'el Collins
** Illegal colons

That’ll do, rookie. That’ll do.


** Ha! Picked up two games on Dad this week, bringing me even with him for the season. It should have been three, but he would not commit to forsaking the Eagles this week, even though he "knew" they were going to lose. I hope his visit to (near?) the Pope straightened him out now.

** Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger went down with a knee injury Sunday, meaning that the starter for Pittsburgh for the next will be ... Drumroll please ... Former Eagles/Falcons/Jets/state correctional facility QB Mike Vick. You know you missed him. Be sure to watch for errant passes if you’re near the stadium next week.

** FYI, the Eagles are still technically in last place, with tiebreakers. The Giants are 1-2 with a 1-0 division record, the Racial Slurs are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 1-1 conference record, and the Eagles are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 0-2 conference record. So …

Week 3 standings

1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 425.54 pts
2 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 425.50 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 407.03 pts
4 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 383.57 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 375.93 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 369.34 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 336.85 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 330.70 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 328.86 pts
10 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 310.22 pts
11 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 307.01 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 269.34 pts

Good weeks for Joanner and Ant to climb back up near the top of the heap, but Dad and Sam are starting to put some distance between them and the rest of the pack. Meanwhile, Paul is in danger of stopping paying attention, and only about one-third of my team is any good. So I’m pretty much the Eagles. All I need is for your top players to go down and I’m right back in the mix for the division title.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 2 recap

Since it’s pretty clear the Eagles season is over before it started, it’s time to start looking at possible draft targets for the birds next year. Kelly is coaching them up as if they’ll get a top-five pick, so let’s see the best matches out there:

** RB Ezekiel Elliott, Ohio State: Sure, the Eagles have three starting RBs, but Kelly clearly hates them all since he isn’t running in third-and-short or anything-and-goal situations. Maybe a new RB will inspire him not to emulate Any Reid’s pass-at-all-costs offense.

** SK Joey Robbins, Mississippi State: Robbins doesn’t technically play any position, but since he helps with scheduling for the team, perhaps he could get Chip to have the Eagles offense show up before halftime.

** OT Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame: At 6-6, this massive tackle will have no trouble seeing all the penalty flags thrown by refs and will easily be able to help pick them up.

** QB Oregon, Oregon: Without even bothering to look up who this person is, I know Kelly already thinks he’s the top prospect in the draft. He’ll end up trading Foles again to get him, somehow.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 36.66 pts -- on Bob’s bench
WR: Travis Benjamin, 30.25 pts -- on the wire
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 28.70 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Crockett Gillmore, 20.37 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 19.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Denver, 23.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
D: Tony Jefferson, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Poor job all around this week on using the top players, with several of the best guys on the wire. But a special shout out to Andrew Luck, Sam Bradford, Tony Romo and Alex Smith, who combined to score fewer points than Roethlisberger. Not a good showing for four QBs who were hoping to go deep in the playoffs.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Mike Vick, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Terrance West, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: JJ Nelson, -1.00 pts -- on the wire

And here you were worried that we wouldn’t see our old friend Michael all season long. He had three rushes (kneel downs) at the end of the game to bring his season rushing total to -3 yrds, putting him in this week’s loser list. He’s like a stray dog that you just can’t … um … you know what? Nevermind.


** The announcers at the end of the lackluster 20-13 Ohio State win on Saturday summed up the contest like this: “Sometimes you win. Sometimes you survive. And sometimes you do both.”

How do you win but not survive? Like, you score the game-winning TD but then get vaporized by lightning?

** The Washington Post had a feature on the new Maryland starting QB this weekend with raving comments from his high school coach: “When (the ball) comes out of his hand, you can hear it.”

Again, how does that work? He snaps a lot as he throws? Does that add arm strength? Or does he have a passing grunt like a women’s tennis player?

** At his post-game press conference on Sunday, Chip Kelly said that “we’re not doing a good enough job” so far this season. I’d quibble with the “we” part, especially if I dumped my starting QB/RB/WR for a collection of guys who look like they’ve never seen a football.

ESPN has done a thorough (read: 70 hours already) job analyzing which 2-0 teams are overachieving, and which 0-2 teams are in danger of missing the playoffs. But one area they’ve ignored are which one-loss teams are facing danger and which one-win teams are already in great shape. Not to worry, here’s a SportsCenter-style breakdown:

Steelers: They followed up a tough opening-night loss with a solid win over the Niners on Sunday. But can they keep up that momentum in the tough AFC north with they softer-than-steel defense?
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Titans: Marcus Mariota looked unstoppable in week one, and looked very stoppable in week two. With that kind of reliance on a rookie QB, it’s no surprise to see this team squarely in the middle of the pack.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Vikings: Everyone’s darling to be a playoff sleeper shook off a sleepy week one showing with a convincing division victory this Sunday. But with a pair of games against the Packers and Bears each left, it looks like they’ll be trading wins and losses.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Chiefs: They’ve scored 51 pts so far this season but also allowed 51 pts this season. That kind of performance so far suggests only one possible outcome.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Raiders: Never mind that they won on Sunday, I’m still picking them to go winless this year.
PROJECTED FINISH: 0-16


The Cowboys victory at Philadelphia (Chip Kelly is 2-3 against the hated rivals now, just FYI) came at a heavy cost to their playoff chances. A week after losing their top wideout to injury, QB Tony Romo suffered a broken clavicle in the third quarter and is feared lost for the season. It didn’t mean much against an inept team like the Eagles, but what will it mean for the rest of Dalla’s season? The letters don’t look very good.

Romo gets sidelined with broken collarbone
** Robbed: Their stooge clan killed, no more wins.

Maybe this year’s anagram insult theme will be all Cowboys’ injuries? We’re only in week two and I’m already on a roll with them.


** Another 2-3 week for me against Dad, thanks to Indy and Seattle choking away the last two games of the week. I’m sitting two back of him for the year in our annual pride contest, and can already feel the season slipping away...

** So far the Eagles are averaging 35 rushing yards a game (and they had a 27-yard run during the Atlanta game). Arizona RB David Johnson has the same amount of rushing yards on 5 carries so far this season.

Week 2 standings

1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 261.88 pts
2 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 253.65 pts
3 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 253.34 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 242.72 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 241.60 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 237.80 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 228.71 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom) -- 227.49 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 218.01 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 215.32 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 194.18 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 187.52 pts

Sam jumps to the front of the pack again, thanks to a solid week among some lower-than-desirable scores (I'm looking at you D Murray and Pay Attention).

Still, 10th place is only 46 pts back, so no reason to panic yet. Unless your team is 0-2 and looks like it has never played together before. And if facing a surprising 2-0 Jets team next week that looks untalented but structurally sound. In that case, year, start panicking a little.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 1 recap

** Titans rookie QB Marcus Mariota (4 TDs on Sunday) is on pace to throw 64 TDs this year, shattering both the rookie passing mark and the NFL single-season record for QB scoring.

** San Diego WR Keenan Allen (15 catches, 166 yrds Sunday) is on pace to catch 240 balls this year for 2,656 yds, beating the single-season mark by almost 100 catches and 700 yds.

** Eagles RB DeMarco Murray (8 rushing yds Monday) is on pace for 128 rushing yds this year, or roughly 1,700 yds fewer than he had last season when he won the league rushing title.

** Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins (lost 17-10 to the Dolphins Sunday) is on pace to start three more games before getting benched.

** The NFC East (1-3 this weekend) is on pace to finish the season with a combined 16-48 record, which I’m pretty sure is what the NFC South posted last season. Still get a playoff team, though.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.62 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Julio Jones, 25.90 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Carlos Hyde, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 26.77 pts -- started by Mike
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 23.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: Josh Norman, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Why I love wide receivers, part 957: Of the top five WRs drafted in our league this year, only one (Antonio Bryant) finished in the top 30 in fantasy scoring for their position this week. Dez Bryant (2nd WR drafted) is dead, and the overrated Odell Beckham (44 yds, 3rd WR drafted) and once unstoppable Calvin Johnson (39 yds, 4th WR drafted) each had fewer receiving yards than third-string Cardinals rookie RB David Johnson had on his single catch on Sunday (55 yds).


3rd place: Zach Mettenberger, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Chicago, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts -- on the wire

Fun fact: Mettenberger’s team beat Tampa Bay 42-14 on Sunday, and yet he still ended up scoring negative points. Bonus fun fact: Tampa Bay would have been at -4.00 pts for the week if not for Mettenberger’s late turnover in the game.


** Dan Patrick dropped this gem at halftime of Sunday night football: “Big game next week -- Seattle at Green Bay. Seattle coming off a surprising loss to St. Louis. Guys, how big is this game?” If you don’t know, how can you say it’s a big game then? The answer, by the way, was “big.”

** Jon Gruden, on Monday night football, was asked if he was surprised Atlanta was up big at the half. “That’s why you don’t pay attention to pre-season football,” said the commentator who announced five pre-season games this year, never once telling you to ignore what you were seeing.

** Jonathan Papelbon, on his return to Philly this week, said he wasn’t the “bad guy” that critics made him out to be because “I was one of the few that wanted to actually win” on the Phillies. Which is weird criticism, because since he has gotten on the Natinals, they’re 4 games under .500 (6 over before his arrival) and the Phils are 7 under .500 (25 under with him on the team). So, who is he helping win again?

Greatness in football and life only comes from constant practice and repetition. That’s why Direct TV’s ongoing “don’t be like this me” ad campaign is among the best in the history of television: because it’s constantly droning on and on.

The pairings are creative and hilarious. Without Direct TV, you could be like the bad Randy Moss (short) or the bad Peyton Manning (high-pitched voice) or the bad Andrew Luck (bearded). But with Direct TV, you don’t have to worry about any of those totally normal conditions, thank gawd.

But why stop there? Direct TV only has 700 versions of this commercial out now, but here are a few they’ve missed:

** I’m Tom Brady // And I’m “borderline starter in college who never learned how to cheat in the pros” Tom Brady.
** I’m Jason Witten // And I’m “not old enough to collect Social Security checks” Jason Witten.
** I’m Chip Kelly // And I’m “sometimes I work with employees instead of firing them all” Chip Kelly.
** I’m Eli Manning // And I’m “plastic surgery took the dopey right out of my cheeks” Eli Manning.
** I’m Matt Millen // And I’m “didn’t put together an 0-16 team so I am qualified to talk about football on TV” Matt Millen.

I’m seeing some great marketing potential in there.


Huge last-minute win for the Cowpokes on Sunday night as they avoid a major upset by grabbing a TD with seconds left to beat the Giants. But the victory came at a cost, with star WR breaking his foot in the contest. What does it mean for the big showdown coming up between the Eagles and Cowpies next week? It’s time to look at the letters again...

Dallas Wideout Dez Bryant breaks his right foot
**This dark fallout -- Birds get wins. Hated boys? A zero

Cowboys have now lost their top two offensive “skill” players from last year, but I think all the assumptions that they’ll coast to another NFC East championship are totally reasonable. Especially since they overachieved on defense all season long last year...


** New year, same story: I went 2-3 against Dad on the weekly picks, starting me off on the wrong foot yet again. The Vikings really let me down this week, which is a phrase that Minnesotans have gotten used to at this point.

** I apologize to the entire league for not making any jokes so far about Anthony’s “1.21 Chip-a-watts” team drafting JJ Watt as his defensive player. It’s an inexcusable oversight, and all I can say is we all make mistakes early in the season.

** Sam Bradford already needed a foot X-ray and it’s only week 1 and I can’t even bring myself to joke about it.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 145.96 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 140.18 pts
3 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 131.30 pts
4 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 127.62 pts
5 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 126.84 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 122.37 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 108.51 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Ma Doyle) -- 108.16 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 102.86 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 99.03 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 97.54 pts
12 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 94.70 pts

I told you Bob’s team looked soft. Totally justified my pre-season prediction of last place for him.

Solid debuts for Jim and Sam this week, but nothing too amazing at the top or the bottom of the league for the start of the season. Only 16 weeks left until we crown our next Awesome Cup champion…

Fantasy league 2015 -- preseason predictions

Labor Day is passed, the football season is about to start, and the only thing left is to read the tea leaves and see how your fantasy season is going to finish. FYI, it’s not pretty:


12th place: Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected points -- 1804.54
Rookies always end up at the bottom of the pre-season rankings, because the complexity of managing a successful fantasy team all year long is too difficult for new coaches (even though rookies have won the Awesome Cup twice, stop with your technicalities). Our first-ever Delaware-based team ended up with some solid RBs but a thin wide-receiving corps, and will have to rely on Eli Manning to win a championship. That’s highly unlikely (even though that has happened twice, stop with your technicalities).

11th place: 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected points -- 1894.99
Anthony is clearly hoping to take this league back in time to the year 2011, when he got his name etched onto the Awesome Cup. Fun fact: His team that year featured a pre-Eagles Darren Sproles and a pre-Eagles Ryan Matthews. Another fun fact: His team this year features Cowboys Tony Romo and Darren McFadden, and I’ll be rooting against him every week. I don’t care if Yahoo says he had a great draft, I say he finishes near the bottom … like his beloved Dallas cowpokes.

10th place: Blue Collar Killers
Projected points -- 1974.72
Did I just complain about Anthony having too many Cowboys? Here’s where the rest of the spawn of Satan landed. WR Dez Bryant, TE Jason Witten, RB Joseph Randle, S Danny McCray, WR Terrance Williams ... Dear gawd, I’m not sure I’ve ever hated a fantasy team more than this one. They’re a Mike Vick and a Fred Taylor away from me plotting assassination attempts against them.

9th place: Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected points -- 2001.01
Unlike the presidential hopeful’s server, which boasts thousands of thousands of surprising bits of information, the problem with Jim’s team is no depth. He has three solid WRs (Cobb, C Johnson and D Adams) and a QB (Tom Brady) whose stats will be overinflated this year, for a change. But he has two TEs (J Thomas and Gates) who won’t be playing until October and a thin set of also-ran RBs. Also, when Brady gets suspended for the next round of cheating, backup QB Derek Carr isn’t going to help much.

8th place: king hippo (Sam)
Projected points -- 2023.23
There are no Patriots or Panthers on Sam’s team, so I assume he has already checked out for the season. That’s a shame, because QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Jamaal Charles are going to produce some gigantic weeks for this team. After that comes a pair of too-young RBs (Abdullah and Gurley) and too-old everything else (WR Marshall, WR Boldin, WR Colston, QB Palmer, TE Daniels). So, maybe it’s best not to watch.

7th place: Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected points -- 2097.20
I’m still hoping Mike upgrades his name from last year, because right now I’ve got the best one by a mile. But I’m perfectly fine with him keeping his team as average as it is right now. Philly backup RB Ryan Matthews is his second-best rusher, San Diego disappointment WR Keenan Allen is his second-best wideout. He did manage to grab the top two TEs off the board (Gronkowski and Graham) but you can’t win with TEs alone. Unless the game is “pick the best tight end.” Then, yes, of course, you can win with just TEs.

6th place: Heap Big Chief Red (Joel)
Projected points -- 2111.54
Joel wins the award for the most confusing team name, but he’ll back up his fantasy football game with a mediocre roster. QB Peyton Manning should be good for the first half of the season, before Father Time begins his inevitable chokehold on the bobblehead passer. RB Marshawn Lynch and TE Travis Kelce will be solid. But the remains of WR Sammy Watkins? The remains of WR Stevie Johnson? The remains of WR Pierre Garcon? And 100-year-old Nick Folk kicking for the squad? Eh.

5th place: May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected points -- 2175.33
Ladies and gentlemen, your Miami Dolphins! This year’s team features RB Lamar Miller, WR Jarvis Landry, and TE Jordan Cameron, plus former Miami WR Mike Wallace and former U Florida WR Percy Harvin. If Paul doesn’t trade for the Miami defense at some point this season, I’m going to feel like he wasted all of our time.

4th place: Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected points -- 2265.65
Wait, are we sure this isn’t Paul’s “I heart WRs” team revived from the dead? Dad’s team is loaded with wideouts -- Odell Beckham, Julius Jones, Emmanuel Sanders, Amari Cooper -- and has garbage for RBs (backup Giovani Bernard may be the only startable back he has for week 1). QB Russell Wilson’s rushing yards won’t be enough to make up for that deficiency and give us our first-ever Awesome Cup repeat champion.

3rd place: Eat Drink and D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected points -- 2303.33
I’m all in on Sam Bradford. Sure, my team has great RBs and a solid all-around receiving cast, but the key to my success this year is going to be the new Eagles signal caller and the strength of his ability to execute Chip Kelly’s complex crossing routes to perfectio … ahhhh the baby just sneezed and Bradford’s ACL tore again. Nevermind.

2nd place: Getting Chippy (Joanner)
Projected points -- 2366.76
It is a testament to the absurdity of Yahoo’s rankings and autopick drafts that Joanner could steal Le’Veon Bell -- arguably #1 overall pick in fantasy this season -- with the #6 pick in our draft. With that kind of luck, it’s not hard to see how she could jump to the top of the pile and claim her first championship this year. Her three-wideout set of Green, Cooks and Maclin may be the best starting trio of any team. Her RBs are solid, QBs Newton and Kaepernick will toss in more rushing points … It’ll really come down to coaching. And injuries. But those are really the coach’s fault, after all.

1st place: Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected points -- 2366.79
This is what a championship team looks like, folks. A sneaky good QB (Ben Roethisberger). Three solid RBs (Lacy, Forsett, L Murray). Two starting wideouts with the same name (D Jackson and V Jackson). A TE that’s so old I thought he was dead. (Heath Miller). Nevermind that I picked Bob to win last year and he finished in the middle of the pack. THIS is the year that the Awesome Cup travels to Bethlehem.


...or, maybe not. Just in case I’m wrong again this year (13 years running!), get your lineups set by Thursday evening for the stupid opening game featuring the stupid Patriots. And good luck to all, by which I mean bad luck to all of you.

Fantasy league 2015 -- draft preview

Congrats to Dad for his benevolent reign as last season’s Awesome Cup champion, but his time at the top is now officially finished. Welcome to the weekly blog, and welcome to the 2015 fantasy football season.

We've added a new coach this year, changed a few scoring settings and waiver wire rules, but we’re keeping the total points format (due to apathy from everyone involved) and keeping the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me. Don’t worry, it’s totally fair. If you lose, it’s because your coaching was bad.

Junior Awesome is back again picking out the draft order, with Baby Awesome offering her commentary to his play-by-play. The alphabet magnets are ready, the 2003 Eagles skull cap is ready, and the lucky loser who will pick at the end of the first round is …

12th pick -- Mike
Slight drop in the draft order for last season’s second-place finisher, but B.A. seems excited by the mention of her godfather’s name. It’s unclear if her drooling means she thinks he should go WR-WR with the picks at the turn or if the last bottle is about to come back up.

11th pick -- Jim
Another drop, with the 2014 bronze medalist falling one spot in his projected draft order. When I tell B.A. that Jim’s beloved Steelers just signed Mike Vick as a backup, she tosses a car in disgust. Her throw is not intercepted, unlike Vick’s.

10th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Junior is promptly sent to his room as punishment for dropping me three spots lower than I should have. It’s the only way he’ll learn. B.A. laughs as I try to explain to him how to read tiles using only his fingertips as preparation for next year’s draft.

9th pick -- Dad
Junior responds to my chastisement by giving his grandfather a gigantic gift, moving him four spots up from his projected draft order spot. B.A. hears mention of a grandparent, then cries when none is supplied. Her penchant for crying over nothing makes me worry that she may be a D.C. sports fan already.

8th pick -- Jeff
No real surprise here for last year’s 7th-place finisher. When I mention Jeff is a Niner’s fan, B.A. asks if we’re all finally past the hype of Colin Kaepernick as a serious annual Pro-Bowl candidate. Before I can respond, she belches.

7th pick -- Mom Doyle
Our new coach gets welcomed to the league with some straight-up cheating by her grandson. Rookies always go in the hat first, to have the best chance at the last pick, but Junior managed to pull five other names before hers. As I shake my head in disbelief, B.A. high fives her brother.

6th place -- Jo
The children are clearly playing favorites here, with Mom also getting a luck draft bounce and drafting than her 4th-place finish last year should suggest. B.A. responds by filling her diaper in excitement. That’s gonna be Mom’s problem to clean up.

5th place -- Bob
The pop-culture professor gets himself in line for one of the top five RBs thanks to Junior’s work. But who will that back be? B.A. contemplates the question for a moment, grabs a nearby DVD of “Rear Window,” and begins to try and eat it. Sounds like DeMarco Murray to me.

4th place -- Sam
Oooh, a tough break for last year’s second-to-last finisher, who instead has to settle for 4th (We call that the “Jaguars’ resting place” around here). B.A. laughs, but in that sorta sad way where you can tell she’s a little afraid of the enormity of the situation, or maybe just gassy again.

3rd place -- Paul
Our worst team from last year gets only the third-best pick, but both kids are heartened by Paul’s new team name. So long, “I heart WRs.” Hello, “May pay attention.” B.A. commends him for his honesty.

2nd place -- Joel
The excitement of Joel’s move to the top pair of picks proves too much for B.A., who sneezes in response. Unfortunately, that gust of wind is enough to rupture Sam Bradford’s ACL again. Tough break.

1st place -- Ant
It doesn’t matter how many ways I fool with this, Anthony always seems to end up with one of the top picks. B.A. hears the news, looks at me, and says her first words: “That guy is just gonna waste it on LaDanian Tomlinson again.”

There you have it, folks. The draft will take place overnight on Friday, so get your player rankings finalized before 11:59pm that day. And update your team names to something better. You’re not going to top my “Eat Drink and D Murray,” but you can try.

And one final reminder -- Here's what you're all playing for:

Field of 64, Philly Style

A little change in our annual Mahe Madness Philly tournament this year, since we've had so many departures of late. Instead of who won the year, here's a look at who has left ...

(Click on the picture to view it full size)