Fantasy league 2014 -- week 6 recap

Late last week, Giants DE Jason Pierre-Paul said the 4-1 Eagles “could easily be 0-4” on the season. Given his math challenges, it’s worth studying Philly’s big 27-0 drubbing of New Jersey on Sunday a little closer:

** It has been more than a year since the Giants last scored a TD against the Eagles (Oct. 6, 2013, in a 36-21 loss to Philly).

** The Giants had more team season-ending injuries (one) than team points (zero) on Sunday.

** The Giants offense traveled the length of the field two and a half times on Sunday (253 yards of offense) but never found the end zone.

** If the Giants had played any other team on any other week and produced the same offensive totals, they would have lost to all of them except their New Jersey brethren. The Jets were left without a score in a week five loss to the Chargers, the only other NFL shutout this season.

** Contrary to Giants’ team predictions, the Eagles outscored the Giants by 27 points.

Pierre-Paul finished the game with zero sacks and four tackles, so maybe that’s the 0-4 he was thinking about.

QB: Joe Flacco, 42.24 pts -- on Bobert’s bench
WR: TY Hilton, 29.87 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Matt Forte, 35.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jace Amaro, 20.53 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Philadelphia, 25.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: JJ Watt, 15.50 pts -- started by Bobert

Houston DE JJ Watt has three TDs on the year (two defensive scores, one receiving TD). That’s more touchdowns than LeVeon Bell, Andre Ellington, Adrian Peterson, Montee Ball, Ryan Matthews, or LeSean McCoy … all RBs taken in the first two rounds of most fantasy drafts.

And kudos to Anthony, who finally grabbed the surging Philly defense and put it to good use this week. For the season, the Eagles are the #1 fantasy defense with 109 pts (27 pts more than second place). In reality, they’re the 22nd-best in points allowed. So, yay fantasy football.

“Playing defense stinks” edition
3rd place: Carolina, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Cincinnati, -4.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place (tie): Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench

Defenses kinda suck this year. I’m beginning to think that starting the Eagles on their bye week might be a viable strategy, because at least they won't cost you any points.


Bounty is selling NFL paper towels. Not with team mascots or anything, just the NFL logo and yard markers. From their press release:

Much like the unpredictability of the football season, spills can happen at any time. But that doesn’t mean a flag should be thrown on your fun. Whether you’re tailgating at the stadium or carrying your team spirit home, with strength and absorbency packed into each sheet, Bounty NFL Prints leave you with one less worry as you prep for the game or clean up after it.

I’m sorry for making you read that.

Also, with all due respect to pro football, when I think of people who know how to handle domestic messes, the NFL is currently at the bottom of the list. Just saying.

\Washington fans are still mourning the Natinals early exit from the MLB playoffs this year, lamenting the “DC curse” that has left them with the longest championship drought of any of the four-pro-sports cities. Among the many problems with that statement (Minnesota’s drought is actually three months longer) is the fact that DC became a four-pro-sports city within the last decade, muting some of their pain and suffering. In an effort to accurately gauge where they are on the championship drought list, here’s a look at the cities that have waited the longest by sports seasons:

1 -- Cleveland (NFL champs in 1964)
143 seasons: 47 NFL, 50 MLB, 2 NHL, 44 NBA
The reigning suffering champs. No one else is even close to the number of unsuccessful sports seasons they’ve suffered through without a crown.

2 -- San Diego (AFL champs in 1963)
101 seasons: 50 NFL, 44 MLB, 7 NBA
No hockey team, but plenty of unfulfilled dreams out in San Diego. You could argue their drought goes further back, since an AFL crown isn’t a major championship today. But they count it, so we do too.

3 -- Buffalo (AFL champs in 1965)
97 seasons: 48 NFL, 41 NHL, 8 NBA
Another AFL championship. But you could argue losing four Super Bowls and one Stanley Cup Finals in the 90s earns them a little higher complaining rights.

4 -- Milwaukee (NBA champs in 1971)
84 seasons: 42 MLB, 42 NBA
The Packers play 100 miles away from Green Bay, so they technically aren’t a Milwaukee team. But you know these fans all root for them, so their drought is really more like 6 or 7 seasons.

5 -- Minneapolis (MLB champs in 1991)
80 seasons: 21 MLB, 21 NFL, 15 NHL, 23 NBA
And none of their teams look like they’re getting close to a championship soon. Ouch.

6 -- Washington DC (NFL champs in 1991)
76 seasons: 21 NFL, 10 MLB, 22 NHL, 23 NBA
Fun fact: The Nationals have never won a postseason series, but they still thought they were the favorites to win the World Series this year.

Oakland (67 seasons) and Atlanta (66 seasons) are just a hair behind, and the Royals have a chance to end Kansas City’s 57-season championship drought (All NFL and MLB seasons there). Houston rounds out the top 10, with 53 seasons of no rings.

For the record, Philly’s 25-year championship drought equated to 99 seasons of disappointment, broken by the 2008 Phillies. Not to say that DC fans have little right to whine, but keep it in a little perspective. You’re still not close to Cleveland.

The Cowboys upset the Seahawks this week, setting off another round of “Dallas is back!” news stories from the insipid sports media. Because, clearly, early season success always means late season heroics too. But, don’t take my word for it. Just look at what those recent victories spell out:

Dallas’ impressive September/October win streak
** Valiant pep work. Bitter smear is December losses.

Remember -- Dallas has had a chance to get into the postseason each of the last four years with a win in their regular season finale. And they’ve lost every one.


** Dad picked up another one on me this weekend, because Pittsburg always beats Cleveland except when I pick the Steelers to win easy. Also, I’m just giving up on picking the Bears.

** The Jets on the season so far have 183 more yards of offense (1,820 yds) than on punts (1,637 yds). I was gonna do something with that, but making fun of the Jets is like picking on a guy in a wheelchair. Yeah, it’s fun, but he might run over your toe with one of his wheels.

** This just in: The Giants still haven’t scored any points against the Eagles.

Week 6 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 842.09 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 806.80 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 799.56 pts
4 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 793.52 pts
5 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 790.75 pts
6 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 780.98 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 767.88 pts
8 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 762.61 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 712.12 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 674.33 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 666.07 pts

If not for Colin Kaepernick’s big night on Monday, my lead would have been whittled down to a Vegas point spread. Jim’s gigantic week (191 pts) and Bob’s impressive performance (179 pts) put them both within 50 pts of the top spot. And Jeff just keeps hanging around.

If the playoffs were to start today … well, we’d all be pretty pissed off, because less than half the season is over. I mean, that would be an absurdly short season.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 5 recap

National news covering the baseball playoffs (poorly) started talking this week about Kansas City fans getting “Royal fever,” which sounds like it could be an actual deadly disease. But it could be worse -- here’s a look at some of the catch phrases for other cities the powers-that-be tried out:

-- Baltimore has Bird Flu! (Orioles)
-- San Francisco has Gigantism! (Giants)
-- DC has Red Hot Nads! (Nationals)
-- New York has no one in the playoffs! (New York)
-- St. Louis has Scarlet Fever! (Cardinals)
-- Anahiem is high on Angel Dust! (Angels)
-- Texas has Ebola! (True news story)

QB:Peyton Manning, 39.46 pts -- started by Dad
WR:Demaryius Thomas, 35.07 pts -- started by Jeff
RB:Branden Oliver, 31.93 pts -- on the wire
TE:Greg Olsen, 22.80 pts -- started by Dad
K:Stephen Gostkowski, 21.00 pts -- started by me
DEF:Philadelphia, 25.00 pts -- on the wire
D:Danny Lansanah, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah, Peyton Manning, blah blah blah.

I’d usually have more to write about the top performers this week, but I used up all my a’s and n’s on Danny Lansanah up there, so …

“Comeuppance” edition
3rd place:Matt Flynn, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Griff Whalen, -1.36 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Cincinnati, -5.00 pts -- started by me

Well, that’s what I get for making fun of all y’all starting the wrong defenses the last two weeks. Picking the Bengals over the Chargers cost me 26 pts this week, after the NFC North leaders decided to roll over an die for Tom Brady and his crew.

But, on the bright side, my name isn’t Griff Whalen.


I’m a week behind on this, but Natinals OF Bryce Harper was at it again last night, so…

In an interview with the Washington Post last week, Harper was asked why he can’t seem to keep his helmet on when he runs the basepaths. The answer is because he thinks his hair is too beautiful, but here’s what he said instead:

”Everybody always talks to me, you need to get a chin strap, or a littler helmet. I’ve tried a 7, I’ve tried a 7 1/8, I’ve tried a 7 3/4. I’ve tried every helmet in the league, I swear.”

I’ve got an idea -- Maybe try a smaller size instead of larger and larger ones? It’s hard for me to believe you don’t have an inflated head, but it’s worth a try.

All in all, you didn’t have a good weekend as an NFL QB. Your zero completions, zero TDs and zero INTs give you a QB rating of 39.6, far below what the top pro passers post every weekend. But fear not -- some multi-million NFL stars were even worse than you:

** Geno Smith -- Before being benched, the Jets signal caller threw for only 27 yards on 12 attempts and tossed one INT, giving him a QB rating of 7.6. When Mike Vick comes in, throws for 47 yards and is clearly the better choice at QB, you know you had an awful day.

** Anquan Boldin -- The 49ers wideout wiffed on his only pass attempt of the year, a trick play that fell incomplete during Sunday’s game. He actually had the same QB rating as you, 39.6, but he got paid a lot more for it.

** Matt Flynn -- The Green Bay backup was the lone black cloud in the Packer’s big win over Minnesota, throwing an INT an a mere 22 yards in five attempts. That’s a 30.8 QB rating, just a little below the 137.8 rating posted by starter Aaron Rodgers.

** Alex Henery -- OK, the former Eagles kicker didn’t throw any passes on Sunday. But going 0 for three in FGs is just like throwing the game, so I wanted to include him on the list.


Every week that I pull these anagrams together, I wonder how much you all believe these are forced missives or honest themes that expose the evil inside every Dallas player. What I don’t doubt is the amount the Cowboys’ team despises them for exposing their true nature. And this year, as I’ve looked over their new players’ names, the sinister nature of their denial has become more apparent than ever. Consider:

Dallas Cowboys rookie right guard Zack Edward Martin
** Anagrams lack truth. A wild raid, I yuk. Words be zero good.

That’s right -- the anagrams are becoming self aware. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks, leaving him plus-one for the season so far.

True story -- I picked Chicago over Carolina and said, “I’m picking the Bears, because I know they’re better, but Chicago always finds a way to lose. And I don’t understand how, so I keep picking them.” After leading 21-7 early, Carolina clawed back. With four minutes left and the game tied, the Bears fumbled the ball and gave up the losing touchdown.

So, yeah.

** College football this week: The #2, #3, #4, #6 and #8 teams lost this weekend. But Ohio State still has no shot at the national championship, so who cares.

** Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 5 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo -- 707.50 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers -- 685.27 pts
3 -- Stewie Griffins Head -- 648.84 pts
4 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz -- 646.18 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy -- 636.12 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons -- 614.14 pts
7 -- Sheldon's Big Money -- 607.09 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs -- 603.15 pts
9 -- king hippo -- 576.30 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs -- 567.92 pts
11 -- Car full of Clowneys -- 560.66 pts

Peyton Manning’s 500th career TD pass helped vault Dad up to the medals podium this week, but it wasn’t enough to change the gold and silver standings. Meanwhile, Sam crawled out of 10th for the first time in a while, and Mike is apparently still in the league.

Time is ticking, folks. Start picking up points.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 4 recap

 

The 2014 MLB season wrapped up on Sunday (no, I’m pretty sure they cancelled the playoffs this year) so let’s look back fondly on the highlights of the campaign:

** Remember May 4, when the Phillies were 15-14 … the last time the Phillies were above .500 for the year?
** Remember how Cole Hamels posted the lowest ERA of his career (2.46) and still only finished 9-9 because the offense was AWOL all year?
** Remember when Chase Utley made the All-Star game, because he was the only Phillie still trying in June?
** Remember when Marlon Byrd got hot in July so the front office traded him for … nevermind, they held onto him so the team could get older.
** Remember when Ryan Howard hit a HR in the last game of the season and everyone said in unison, “That’s probably his last one in a Phillies uniform” even though nobody else wants him?
** Remember when the Phillies lost 3-2 to the Nationals on Sept. 7 and you didn’t care because the Eagles beat the Jaguars that day?

Ahhh, the memories.

QB: Eli Manning, 40.10 pts -- on the wire
WR: Jordy Nelson, 29.20 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Jamaal Charles, 31.27 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Larry Donnell, 28.60 pts -- on the wire
K: Blair Walsh, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Husain Abdullah, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Eli. Freaking. Manning. The Washington dolts should be ashamed of themselves for giving up five TDs to The New Jersey Turnover Pike (that nickname is trademarked, by the way).

Bang up job on the top performers this week -- As a league we managed to start none of the top four defenses, none of the top three defensive players, and only two of the top six kickers. And we missed on Eli Manning’s 40-plus pts. Eli. Freaking. Manning.

“More bad defenses” edition
3rd place:New Orleans, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie):Atlanta, -6.00 pts -- started by Paul
1st place (tie):Carolina, -6.00 pts -- on Sam’s bench

Remember last week, when I made fun of most of our league for starting the wrong defenses? Apparently some of you took that as a personal challenge. Seven defenses were worth negative points this week, and we started three of them: Paul, with the absolute lowest possible defensive score; Mike, getting -4.00 pts out of New England; and Bob, getting -1.00 pts out of Chicago. If only Sam hadn’t screwed up by starting Pittsburgh and getting 4.00 whole pts...



Here’s Andy Reid’s strategy for his Kansas City Chefs at the end of the first half of Monday night football, with his team up 14, 1:10 left with two timeouts, and the ball 20 yards from the end zone:

1st down: Swing pass at the line of scrimmage, no gain.
Then wait 30 seconds to call a timeout, wasting half a minute.
2nd down: Five-yard pass across the middle, tackled in bounds.
Then wait 20 more seconds and burn the last timeout.
3rd down: Pass to the one-yard line, WR tackled, time expires.

It’s good to know that even in his new address, Andy still has unbelievably bad time management skills. A defensive penalty on that third down ended up giving the Chefs another chance at a FG and a 17-point lead, but it was not deserved. If anything, they should have lost points for blatant incompetence.

Bonus anagram time! G filed a special anagram this week, asking for a look at the QB controversy brewing down here in DC. And I aim to please:

Washington QB debate: start Robert Griffin III or Kirk Cousins?
** It's king SOB or fart bistro. Neither faker can win. I quit. Go birds.

I can’t tell you how proud I am of that.

Defying expectations, the Cowboys have started the season 3-1, tied for first place. But don’t worry about that continuing. Even after grabbing two TDs on Saturday, Dallas’ #2 WR shows how little faith he has in the team’s future:

Starting Dallas wideout Terrance Williams
** Real glum: Data is clear, wins won’t last. I tried.

Frankly, that doesn’t make me glum at all.


** I don’t know how I forgot that Steve Smith was playing against his old team this weekend, but two touchdowns and a thorough beat down of the Panthers later, I’m down one game to Dad again. For the record, we’re both just a hair over .500 for the season (he’s 33-28, I’m 32-29).

** I was going to do a lengthy write up of Delaware’s thrilling overtime win over James Madison on Saturday night, but I know you all were riveted to the TV, so there isn’t anything new to say.

** Eli. Freaking. Manning. He has 21 TDs and 28 INTs against teams other than Washington since the start of 2013, 6 TDs and 3 INTs (and three wins) against Washington. Because Washington stinks.
Week 4 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 587.47 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 536.83 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 507.84 pts
4 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 507.51 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 499.57 pts
6 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 496.99 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 493.94 pts
8 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 487.97 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 453.50 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 447.74 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 446.35 pts

We’re one quarter into the season, and we’re only had one league leader so far. And my lead is getting larger and larger, despite the six players I had on bye this week. So my team will only be stronger from here on out. And yours will be weak, weak like the Jaguars playing in London.

Props to Jeff, who is holding onto second place with his annual strategy of making no replacement moves. It’s the Rumsfeldian approach to coaching -- you go to battle with the team you drafted, not the team you want (or could easily change).

However, the difference between first and eighth place is still less than 100 pts, so the Awesome Cup is still up for grabs. So don’t forget about the byes this week. How you’ll make due without your Oakland Raiders stars, I’m not sure.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 3 recap

Actual facts from the Eagles’ win Sunday that make you wonder if they actually won that game:

** Nick Foles had a pathetic 4 yds passing in the first quarter of the game on Sunday. The Eagles offense had the ball for 2 mins, 9 seconds in that quarter.
** The Eagles lost two offensive lineman and their top RB during the course of the game, and totaled only 54 rushing yards for the day.
** The Eagles were down 10 points for the third game in a row.
** The Philly defense allowed two 100-yard WRs, 76 offensive plays and 511 yards of offense to the DC opponents.
** Nick Foles was actually killed twice on the field by hits from defensive linemen.

So, if the Niners jump out to a 21-0 lead on Sunday … that means the birds will be 4-0? Maybe?

QB: Andrew Luck, 40.30 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Julio Jones, 32.23 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 26.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Martellus Bennett, 20.60 pts -- sitting on my bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts -- sitting on Paul’s bench
D: Bruce Carter, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Three of the top five fantasy WRs (Garcon, Maclin and Matthews) and two of the top three fantasy QBs (Cousins and Foles) came from Sunday’s Eagles game. DeSean Jackson? Good game in his return, but only good enough to be the 12th best wideout this week. But he did get away with the most uncalled cheap shots, so he has that going for him.

“Craptastic” edition

3rd place: Jalen Saunders, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Jacksonville, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Washington, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

Of course, the trade off to all those big offensive numbers is that the DC defense was an awful, awful fantasy play...

Worth noting: Of the 10 worst defenses this week, we started five of them. Combined, Dad (Baltimore), Paul (Buffalo), Ant (San Fran), Houston (Jeff), and Sam (Carolina) scored 15 pts with those bums, while Joanna scored 22 pts with her Detroit defense alone.


Joe Buck, at the start of the Eagles game Sunday: “It could not be more perfect weather here in Philadelphia.”

Display on the screen: “76 degrees, partly cloudy.”

It does not surprise me to learn that Joe Buck’s version of a clear sky is one that is not clear.

Here’s a look at the players you should have drafted for your college football fantasy league, based on this weekend’s performances:

** QB: Taylor Heinicke, Old Dominion -- 56.8 fantasy pts
(430 passing yds, 5 TDs; 36 rushing yds, 1 TD)
** RB: Melvin Gordon, Wisconsin -- 56.6 fantasy pts
(253 rushing yds, 5 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yds)
** WR: Cayleb Jones, Arizona -- 43.4 fantasy pts
(13 catches for 186 yds, 3 TDs)
** DEF: Temple -- 48 fantasy pts
(Zero pts allowed, 3 sacks, 4 turnovers, 3 return TDs, 1 punt block)

I actually found the kicker point totals too, but they were pretty boring. Besides, if you started these four players, you’d have a 200-plus pts week already.


Left for dead by many pundits, the Dallas Cowboys find themselves in second place early in the season. It’s a good start but can it last?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: Well, the name of the team’s new DT doesn’t think so:

Dallas Cowboys free agent defensive tackle Terrell McClain
Gym tent fleecers: Second is twice above real rank. Fall called.

You’d think with all that money, the Cowboys could work out in a real practice facility and not a gym tent. Maybe it has something to do with harnessing their evil.


** Posted an impressive 12-4 record in the picks this week, two better than Dad and leaving us even for the yearly standings. I’d like to thank the Bears for not blowing that Monday night game despite really trying.

** For the record, the Eagles have led for 4 mins 39 seconds of their 90 mins of first half play so far this year. That’s … not good. But they’ve had the lead for all three of the final seconds of those games.

** Six teams on a bye this week plus a Thursday night game means that on Sunday there will be … two games? Three games?

Week 3 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 429.16 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 415.09 pts
3 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 394.59 pts
4 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 386.28 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 382.55 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 375.64 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 374.93 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 358.33 pts
9 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 341.91 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 317.20 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 314.23 pts

I’ve got a hold of the #1 spot once again, but it’s a shrinking lead. Another good week by Jim, a 150-plus-pts performance from Joanna’s squad, and another solid result for Jeff put the top four spots in the hands of current/former Ohio residents.

Meanwhile, Sam’s 79-pts week leaves him struggling near the bottom. And everyone else? There’s only 14 weeks left to get your acts in gear…

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 2 recap

In honor of some baby news this week, here’s a look at the worst infant items available for purchase from the NFL:

Denrve Broncos skirt and pants: I know the NFL says this says “Denver” but maybe the spelling problem is just because of the concussions.
Oakland track suit: No children should be made to wear Raiders anything, unless they’re in time-out.
Dolphins glow in the dark pacifier: Give your sleeping baby that nice blue radioactive glow.
Headless 49ers onesie: The picture on the outfit is headless, not the baby, but either way it’s kind of horrifying.
Tony Romo baby jersey: Warning -- choking hazard

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 35.14 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Jordy Nelson, 28.93 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Knile Davis, 27.63 pts -- on the wire
TE: Antonio Gates, 31.40 pts -- on Paul’s bench
K: Dan Bailey, 19.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts -- on the wire

Second week in a row that a TE and DEF outperformed the top RB and WR. That’s either a sign of the ever-changing nature of NFL game plans, or a coincidence.

“Bottom feeders” edition
3rd place: Justin Brown, -0.60 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Miami, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

In other news, the Giants still stink. In two weeks of work, their defense is worth zero points. At this pace, they’ll … well, zero points isn’t really a pace.


Nameless ESPN reporter, talking about news that QB Robert Griffin dislocated his ankle and will be on the bench for a while:

“They still don’t know how long he’ll be out, but it was definitely good news for Washington.”

I think he was saying the severity of the injury wasn’t as bad as they feared, and he could be back sometime this year. But I like my reading better: It’s great news that he’ll miss at least some games, and hopefully he’ll never return.

Heck, that’s what the locals are saying anyways. You think Philly is the only town that can turn on a superstar for no good reason?

** At 5-6, Sproles is the second shortest active player in the NFL. The shortest is Trindon Holliday, at 5-5. There are 7 players in the league who top 6-9.
** Sproles is the second fastest player in the NFL, averaging 976 mph on his sprints. The fastest is Eli Manning, who sucks at the speed of light.
** As an infant, Sproles was 5-6 and ran at 976 mph. Only his football awareness has changed over the years.
** Seriously, did you see that TD run?
** Sproles has been let go/traded by two teams over the course of his career. Those teams are idiots.


In keeping with this week’s baby theme, I’m just gonna zero in on how much Cowboys players inherently hate kids. Consider:

Dallas Seventh-Round Rookie Nose Tackle Ken Bishop
** No honor, no peace: Evader bloke hunts, kills, eats kids

This isn’t the first kid-eating anagram I’ve discovered, and it won’t be the last. These guys really, really, really hate children.


**.Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks this week, but in fairness my picks got done while Joanna was in labor. I was a miserable 5-10 as a result. But even I wasn’t foolish enough to pick the Patriots over the Vikings like certain other parents of mine...

** Ohio State won 66-0 on Saturday and dropped one spot in the AP poll (from 22 to 23). Because Virginia Tech (their previous loss) lost to unranked East Carolina. Also, because college football rankings suck.

** My favorite headline of the weekend: Football moves up to 21 in the AP top 25. Honestly, I would have put football in the top 10 of football rankings. Still below the SEC, of course.

Week 2 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) --- 295.39 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 281.93 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --- 272.96 pts
4 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --- 270.57 pts
5 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 259.10 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --- 254.16 pts
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 241.35 pts
8 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) --- 240.07 pts
9 --- king hippo (Sam) --- 238.18 pts
10 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 222.05 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --- 218.80 pts

Another week, same name atop the standings.

Several big point totals left on the bench this weekend. Paul left 47 pts on his bench, and Sam would have approached a 200-pt week if not for the 61 wasted pts on his.

Joanna left 31 pts on her bench, mostly in the form of Darren Sproles, and used the lame excuse of Sunday morning labor for her poor performance. She’ll do anything to cover up her bad coaching.

Fantasy League 2014 -- week 1 recap

It’s only week 1 of the NFL season, and many couch potato fans are still in pre-season shape. But fear not -- no matter how bad you thought your start was, at least you outperformed several pro football stars this weekend. Consider:

-- If you managed not to fall backwards off your couch, you outrushed WR DeSean Jackson (-9 rushing yards on Sunday).
-- If you held onto your remote, you had a better TD/turnover ratio than QB Robert Griffin (zero TDs, one fumble lost on Sunday).
-- If you didn’t fall into your fridge when you got a snack, you had more success on returns than RB Dexter McCluster (-2 return yards on Sunday).
-- If your house didn’t fall into a sinkhole, then you picked up more ground than Division II College of Faith (-100 yards of offense against Tusculum College).
-- If you managed not to have a facial seizure, then you were less dopey than QB Eli Manning (100% dopey on Monday).

QB: Matt Ryan, 37.42 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Calvin Johnson, 29.93 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeVeon Bell, 29.27 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 31.93 pts -- started by me
K: Matt Bryant, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Houston, 31.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Sio Moore, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, I have no idea what a Sio Moore is either.

I may pick up whatever defense is playing Washington each week -- they coughed up two red zone fumbles, allowed a blocked extra point and gave up a touchdown on a blocked punt. The other 31 teams combined only gave up four blocked kicks on the weekend.

“Starting off on the wrong foot” edition
3rd place: Donald Brown, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Only one week in and the Giants defense is already worth fewer fantasy points than you are. Gawd, I love the NFC East. And I haven’t even made fun of the Cowboys yet.

Before the season started ESPN radio personalities Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg made their picks for each of the division winners and the eventual Super Bowl champion (both picked Seattle or USC, I can’t remember which). Greenberg remarked that the league is so tough to predict this year that he couldn’t figure out which teams would be “the surprises” -- teams like the 2013 Texans (who finished 2-14 despite pre-season hype) and 2013 Chiefs (who finished 12-4 despite two wins the previous year).

Here’s the thing that Greenberg failed to grasp: That’s what the word “surprise” means. If you can predict it, it’s not a surprise. If you “could have seen that coming,” it’s not a surprise. If you hedge your bets and say the Bills are the worst team in football but they still could win the Super Bowl, it’s not a surprise if they win the Super Bowl.

Greenberg followed up that statement by asking other ESPN talking heads to identify their surprises for the season, so he’ll know when to be shocked.

The fall NFL apparel catalog came in the mail this week. Featured in the front of the mailer are “game jerseys” for all 32 NFL teams. Most of the picks are obvious (McCoy for the Eagles, Brady for the Patsies) but a few of the less star-studded teams are just sad. Here’s a look at the worst.

-- Jacksonville: Blake Bortles
** He could be a great QB one day, but he’s not even the starter right now. Who wants a benchwarmer jersey?
-- Oakland: Khalil Mack
** I had to look up who he was. Rookie linebacker. But I dare you to name another Oakland player.
-- Cleveland: Johnny Manziel
** See Blake Bortles
-- San Diego: Keenan Allen
** He’s a fine young wideout, but somewhere Phillip Rivers is pissed off.
-- Denver: Demaryius Thomas
** Let’s be honest -- he really overshadows their no-name QB.

It’s a new season, it’s a new infusion of talent, and there are new Dallas players with the same old evil, evil hearts. In the 27 years I’ve been anagramming Cowboys names (I was doing it mentally well before the blog) I’ve never stopped being surprised at the inherent evil in these guys. Consider their fourth-round pick this year:

New Dallas Linebacker Anthony Hitchens
** Wannabe clanks: “Honestly, I hate children.” ** 

What is it with these guys and hating/eating kids? Pure evil.


** Dad and I split the weekly picks, so at least I’m not behind to start the season. Honestly, this may be the best I’ve done in our head-to-head match-up in years.

** Well, Ohio State, it was a good season while it lasted.

** John Gruden referred to “the turkey hole” during a deep pass play in the Giants/Lions Monday night football game. I don’t know what that means, but I had nightmares.

** Another Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) -- 168.20 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --167.50 pts
3 -- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --134.73 pts
4 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --131.80 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --130.47 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --126.48 pts
7 -- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --124.00 pts
8 -- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --122.30 pts
9 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 117.49 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 109.92 pts
11 -- king hippo (Sam) --101.48 pts

The Eagles have been in sole possession of first place in their division for 36 weeks now, but Sam’s run atop the Awesome Cup standings falls one week short of that. The defending champ starts off the new season at the bottom of the pile, mostly because his QB was hurt and his coaching was awful.

And despite a Monday night surge from Jeff, the league’s three-time champion (and commissioner and commander-in-chief) sits on on top of the heap again. Told you Montee Ball and Marshawn Lynch were money.

Fantasy League 2014 -- preseason predictions

Hope you enjoyed your Labor Day, because you've got nothing but four months of backbreaking fantasy work ahead of you. Here’s how the 2014 fantasy season is going to play out:

Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)

Projected 11th place, 1998.72 pts

Jim took his disdain for traditional fantasy personnel to a new level this year, landing four potentially great WRs (Johnson, Cobb, Fitzgerald, Jackson) but only one starting RB (Bernard). Andrew Luck is the perfect QB for his squad, because that's what he'll need to win the league. 

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) 

Projected 10th place, 2039.08 pts

Jeff's team might be OK, but I'll be rooting against it every Sunday. He boasts two Cowboys (Murray and Williams), two Giants (Jennings and Randle), and three guys with dumb names (Brandin Cooks, Demaryius Thomas and Keenan Allen). It's an anagrammer's dream, but it's ugly to look at. 

King Hippo (Sam)

Projected 9th place, 2057.89 pts

The road to a repeat is going to be near impossible for Little Mac, who again will ride Cam Newton's cracked ribs to hopes of glory. But the RB corps of Gerhart/Tate/Rice/Ingram may have fewer rushing TDs than Newton alone, and I hate Vincent Jackson for reasons I don't remember anymore. But I hate him. 

Show Me Your TDs (Ant)

Projected 8th place, 2082.82 pts 

Anthony landed Adrian Peterson, but after that it's a collection of 2011 heroes and not 2014 guarantees. Gronkowski? Andre Johnson? Jones-Drew? DeAngelo Williams? On the plus side, he's got the 49ers starting defense, which still has a few players who haven't been suspended. 

Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)

Projected 7th place, 2108.78 pts

Brees, Forte and Alshon Jeffery could win this league on their own if we only started three players. But after that, Mike's roster drops off. He has two Lions RBs, the remains of Steven Jackson, Maclin's wonky legs and Jermichael Finley, who I thought retired three years ago. 

Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)

Projected 6th place, 2144.27 pts

If Foles and Chip Kelly can build off last year's success, then Jo and her assistant coach (baby TBA) could have a huge year. But after Lacy, Bell and Juilo Jones, her backups get a little weak (again, unless Kelly turns Sproles into a superstar). And without Akers as a kicker, she already hates her team. 

Car full of Clowneys (Joel)

Projected 5th place, 2314.66 pts

Now we're getting somewhere. Joel's squad looks solid -- Brady, Charles, Antonio Brown and the Seattle D -- and features trendy sleepers like Cordarrelle Patterson and DeAndre Hopkins. But he also has Tony Romo on his bench, and no team with Romo has ever won this league. Nor will they ever.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)

Projected 4th place, 2327.88 pts

The top pick in the draft produced solid results for the professor, and Rogers/McCoy looks like a killer 1-2 punch. Garcon and Clay look like great assets too, but beyond that his hands team comes up short. And I still don't believe Bishop Sankey is a real name. More likely, someone was playing NFL magnetic poetry again. 

Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)

Projected 3rd place, 2370.72 pts

You're all going to rue passing on Marshawn Lynch and Montee Ball by the end of the year. Roddy White and Torrey Smith give me a solid WR start too. But picking last left me with RG3 as my play caller, and that could hurt when his leg inevitably snaps in two early in the season. 

I heart WRs (Paul)

Projected 2nd place, 2457.67 pts

Paul's squad looks loaded, and it's not just those beloved wideouts (Bryant/Green/Cruz). I'm a big fan of the Matthens/Gore RB combo, and Jay Cutler could end up being the steal of the year at QB. And he's even set for extra special teams points, with 77-year-old Adam Vinatieri at kicker. 

Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)

Projected 1st place, 2457.68 pts

This could be the year that the old man finally teaches the younger crowd a lesson. He goes into the season with a Manning/Manning QB combo, Welker and Hilton at WR and Ellington and Morris at RB. Spiller is always a sneaky player, and Dwayne Bowe always seems to pick up extra points. Dad's only weak spot to start the season? His kicker got suspended for PEDs (not a joke). That has to be a bad omen. 

OK, folks. Even though your futures are predestined, try to get your rosters set by opening night (which is Thursday, because the NFL hates you and doesn't want you to be able to watch football). Thanks to all for playing, and good luck to none of you.

Fantasy League 2014 -- draft preview

OK, folks, I've had just about enough of Sam's reign of terror as the 2013 Awesome Cup champion. Let's get the new fantasy season started already.

We've got the same set of coaches from last year's campaign and the standard modified NBA draft order system that has served us so well the past five years. The only change this year is Joanna's role as assistant for the sacred picking of the names. Since she'd just get the whole thing pregnanted up, Junior Awesome stepped up this year to begin his work maintaining and conquering the league. He'll be serving as my team's offensive coordinator this year, and he's ready to pick the first name out of the hat to start the season ...

11th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Lousy kid. His first act with the league is to stick me with the worst pick possible. When I asked if he thought we'd have a Super Bowl contender or a lottery team for our fantasy squad, he said "lottery." Then he asked for juice. No game awareness in this kid yet.

10th pick -- Paul
Paul ends up getting the shaft, falling four places in his projected draft order. When asked what to expect from "I heart WRs" this year, Junior responds with "His team is bad because he has no one." True, but it's still pre-draft, so that's a bit unfair.

9th pick -- Sam
Last year's champ moves up a few places, and will pick one slot higher than he did last August. I'm predicting another strong year from him, but Junior says that he likes "the team with the red shirts." He is quickly corrected to say "kelly green" instead.

8th pick -- Jeff
"It's a hat show!" Junior says excitedly when he picks out Jeff's name. I try and explain that "Blue Collar Killers" is at best a shirt party, but to no avail. Either way, Jeff ends up picking exactly where he would if this was a normal draft arrangement.

7th pick -- Jim
When told that Jim used to play football in college, Junior responds by patting me on the arm and whispering "I'm going to eat you." I like the killer instinct, but he's gonna have to channel this rage better.

6th pick -- Pop
Now Junior is legitimately excited. I tell him his grandfather is going to be thrilled that he moved up three spots because of his name picking skills, and he smiles like Dan Snyder when an overpriced free agent comes to visit. Also, now he wants to go see Pop.

5th pick -- Joanner
"Mommy, we picked your name!" It's like the Super Bowl in here right now. Why couldn't he have used some of this luck and excitement when our team was still in the hat? I think he's actually Tebowing right now. No, wait, he just lost his balance again.

4th pick -- Ant
And now he picked out "the Godfather." It's probably not enough to steal Shady McCoy for Anthony's team, but Junior feels like he did his part. LaDanian Tomlinson will definitely still be available.

3rd pick -- Mike
That's a high spot for the two-time Awesome Cup champion, but he had a pretty miserable year in 2013. Junior wants to know if his cousin's name is in there too. When I say no, he wants to go play with cars. When I remind him how important this is ... he still wants to play with cars.

2nd pick -- Joel 
That leaves only one team left, and the excitement is overwhelming. Junior's eyes are as big as Eli Manning's on a third and long. He's also as accurate too -- he just threw a pillow that hit me square in the head, but I think he was aiming for the other couch.

1st pick -- Bobert
The professor has his youngest student to thank for the top pick in this year's draft. It's only fair -- Last year, he picked dead last, so this year he gets the other extreme. I thank Junior for a job well done, he responds by flopping over like Robert Griffin on a routine QB slide.

That's the draft order, folks. Set your player rankings by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.

While you're at it, switch your team names to something funnier. Right now Joel is in the lead with "Car full of Clowneys" but I appreciate Sam's "King Hippo" avatar too. Just know that he's gonna go down in a heap when the time comes.

And one final reminder: Here's what you're all playing for:

Phillies/Eagles prop bets

Pick which will be higher at the end of their respective seasons:

-- Phillies wins (70ish?) or Jeremy Maclin catches (most in a season = 70)

-- Darren Sproles rushing yds (220 last year) or Domonic Brown batting avg (.224 today)

-- Phillies losses (95ish?) or Eagles wins times 10 (10 last year)

-- Marlon Byrd HRs (23 now) or Nick Foles TD passes (27 last year) 

-- Alex Henery FGs (23 last year) or Jimmy Rollins stolen bases (23 now)

-- Eagles playoff games (1 last year) or Phillies playoff games (no chance)

Fantasy football league is back up

The league has been renewed. If you're a returning coach, go sign up here today.

What to watch for in the Eagles first preseason game

This Friday, we'll get an answer to these burning questions:

1 -- How will Ifeanyi Momah perform?
Who's he? Momah was the #2 wideout for the Eagles in practice on Tuesday, after Jeremy Maclin rested his sore knee and Riley Cooper took the day off with a foot injury. The undrafted free agent probably won't be the long-term replacement for DeSean Jackson when the season starts, and Maclin expects to play on Friday. But, you never know with injuries...

2 -- Can Malclom Jenkins play both safety positions?
And maybe CB too? The Eagles ranked 32nd in the league against the pass last year, but Jenkins is the only new starter among the secondary. How much can he bring alone to fix the problem? Good news is they can't really do worse.

3 -- Will Matt Barkley win the #2 QB job over Mark Sanchez?
Follow up question: If either one has to start a game this season, will the Eagles score negative points?

4 -- Is Trent Cole still on this team?
The answer is yes, but isn't that surprising? Wasn't he drafted in the 1970s?

5 -- How will Chip Kelly shock the league this year?
Last season, the rookie coach had the fifth-highest scoring offense and the top rushing attack in all of football. This season? The defense needs fixing and the offense needs sustaining. And I'm sure he'll show all his cards in the first preseason game. That's when you want to show off the new razzle dazzle.

Looking ahead

As of today, the Phillies are 47-61. Here's a look at what the rest of the season could bring:

If they go 0-54:
--- Final record: 47-115

If they go 23-31:
-- Final record: 70-92

If they go 27-27:
--- Final record: 74-88

If they go 34-20:
--- Final record: 81-81

If they go 43-11:
--- Final record: 90-72

If they go 54-0:
--- Final record: 101-61

Rejected 2014 Eagles-themed fantasy football team names

-- Flying the Cooper
-- Foles rush in
-- Missing-in-action Jackson
-- Chipping away
-- So bad it Ertz
-- Barkley up the wrong tree
-- Bros before Sproles
-- Big Maclin
-- Mark Sanchez sucks

Phillies all-time All-Star roster

1B -- Pete Rose (4 appearances)
2B -- Chase Utley (6 appearances)
SS -- Larry Bowa (5 appearances)
3B -- Mike Schmidt (12 appearances)
RF -- Johnny Callison (3 appearances)
CF -- Richie Ashburn (4 appearances)
LF -- Greg Luzinski (4 appearances)
SP -- Steve Carlton (7 appearances)
RP -- Robin Roberts (5 appearances)

I know putting Roberts as a relief pitcher is cheating, but no Phillies closer has ever had more than one All Star appearance. Besides, given the choice between Tom Gordon and Robin Roberts for the ninth, who are you sending out to the mound?

Futility perspective

Times the Phils have scored five runs in a game over the last two weeks:
--- 2

Times the German soccer team has scored five goals in a game over the last two weeks:
--- 1

I'd give the Phils a 50/50 chance to beat the German futeballers in a 9-inning match.

Soccer's wet blanket

I get that the World Cup is only a snapshot of each team's accomplishments, and that the tournament only comes every four years. But to win over casual skeptics, you do have to consider the following facts:

-- This year, the US played in 4 World Cup games. They won 1.
-- In the last 10 years, the US has played in 9 World Cup games. They've won 2.
-- In the last 20 years, the US has played in 23 World Cup games. They've won 5.

Eight teams have three or more wins this year alone.

I'm not saying the team is regressing, or that it wasn't fun. I'm just saying it's a lot to ask for casual fans to wait another Olympic-long break for the possibility of one more win.

ESPN search engine optimized headlines for June

-- LeBron James' next stop: The Yankees?
-- Tim Tebow on the U.S. soccer team
-- Carmelo Anthony: 'I want to be the Brett Favre of New York'
-- Would two LeBrons beat Michael Jordan ... and LeBron?
-- Steven A. Smith breaks down latest NBA analysis by Steven A. Smith
-- NFL NFL NFL NFL

There's always a chance (except in the NBA)

Different franchises to win a championship, by sport:

NFL
Last 10 years: 8
Last 20 years: 13
Last 30 years: 15

MLB
Last 10 years: 6
Last 20 years: 9
Last 30 years: 17

NHL
Last 10 years: 7
Last 20 years: 11
Last 30 years: 15

NBA
Last 10 years: 5
Last 20 years: 8
Last 30 years: 8

So, in the last three decades, roughly half of the franchises in baseball, football and hockey have won a championship. Only a quarter of the franchises in basketball have.

But next year is a new season! Anyone has a chance to win it all (provided you’re in Miami, LA or Texas).

Silver lining

NL All-Star voting as of 6/9:

It's a terrible baseball season, but at least one thing is right in the world. 

Spinning the Phillies record positive

Entering Tuesday's game, from the "hope springs eternal" files:

Phils record vs NL only: 23-23
Phils record on the road: 12-12
Phils record in games south of Philly: 11-11
Phils record in extra innings: 4-4
Phils record in 1-run games: 11-10

Phils record in day games: 10-8

Phils record on the weekend: 11-7

If you just look at those numbers, the team doesn't look so bad. 

Fixing Natitude

The Washington Nationals dropped below .500 again this week, so I thought I'd help their promotions department by updating their print ads:

 

    

Alternatives to the current NBA draft

-- Three-on-three tournament for the lottery teams, in lieu of the NBA playoffs. Winner gets the top pick. That'll keep teams from tanking.

-- Team CEO battle royale. Last one out of the ring gets the prize.

-- Announce that Cleveland gets the #1 pick, no matter what. After all, they've gotten it three times in the last four years and another one in 2003.

-- Just, you know, give the worst teams the top pick, like everybody else.

Evaluating the Eagles 2014 draft, anagrams-style

Round 1: OLB Marcus Smith
Top anagram: I am sloth crumbs
Verdict: Questionable 

Round 2: WR Jordan Matthews
Top anagram: Drawn smart, jet how!
Verdict: Promising

Round 3: Wideout Josh Huff
Top anagram: I just fed woof, huh?
Verdict: Troubling

Round 4: CB Jaylen Watkins
Top anagram: Twinkly cab jeans
Verdict: Disturbing

Round 5a: DE Taylor Hart
Top anagram: A ratty holder
Verdict: Terrible

Round 5b: S Ed Reynolds
Top anagram: Sleds nerd, yo
Verdict: Weird

Round 7: DT Beau Allen
Top anagram: A belled tuna
Verdict: Adorable

The only sensible Eagles draft pick

With the NFL draft set to kick off Thursday, most of the so-called experts have Chip Kelly's Eagles taking a wideout or a defensive back in the first round. That would be a waste.

Sure, with the departure of DeSean Jackson, they need speed and size on offense. But a one-dimensional wide receiver or cornerback only helps half of the time. What would spur the team would be a perfect blend of both, a two-way player who can both score points and supply a stifling defense.

The right choice with the 22nd pick is to take Michael Carter-Williams.

Pros:
-- Led the NBA in points, rebounds and assists among rookies
-- At 6-6, provides a tall end zone target
-- Already familiar with Philadelphia
-- A natural "point guard" on the field
-- Not discouraged by losing or adversity
-- Will be available in the late first round

Cons:
-- Doesn't play football (Kelly's offense can fix that)
-- At 185, he'll need to put on some weight
-- As a non QB or kicker, likely can't wear #1
-- Did have recent shoulder surgery
-- Has prior commitments during some late fall weeks

Forget the scouting reports -- he's clearly the right fit for the birds. If they decide to take another route, there's still a chance he'll be available in round two, but I wouldn't let him slip below that.