Fantasy football 2023 -- week 12 recap

Before the Thanksgiving holiday fades too far away in memory, here are a few things that Philadelphia fans should be thankful for this year:

** Second halves: The Eagles have now trailed at halftime in their last four games, and they have won all four. This team would be 6-5 if the games were only 30 minutes long.

** Jake Elliott: The Eagles kicker isn’t in the top 10 in salaries for kickers this season. Bills K Tyler Bass is fourth in the league. Bass missed two FGs in Sunday’s loss to Philadelphia, one in part because of the driving rain. Elliot hit a 59-yarder in that same weather to send the game into overtime.

** AJ Brown and Devonta Smith: Can you name the Eagles’ starting two wideouts for week 12 in 2020? If you didn’t remember Travis Fulgham and Jalen Reagor, well, you have Brown and Smith to thank for cleansing your brain.

** Late-game pressure: The Eagles have 32 sacks on the year so far. Of those, 19 have come in the third or fourth quarters, when defensive stops are even more critical.

** Jalen Hurts: He’s 27-2 in his last 29 regular season starts. Nick Foles only had 26 regular season wins in his whole Eagles career. Of course, there is one win category where Hurts needs to catch up to Foles…

QB: Josh Allen, 43.66 pts — started by Dad
WR: Zay Flowers, 19.87 pts — on my bench
RB: Kyren Williams, 33.37 pts — started by me
TE: Sam LaPorta, 13.63 pts — started by Mom D
K: Blake Grupe, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 22.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Rashan Gary, 14.50 pts — on the wire

I’ll be honest, even I’m not sure if Blake Grupe is a real player or someone I made up.

We only had five QBs top 40 fantasy points in a game through the first 11 weeks of the season, so of course we had three this week alone. Combined, they totaled 13 TDs and 870 passing yds. Allen led the pack, bettering Hurts and Dak Prescott each by about three points. Those three are also on the medal stand right now in that order for the most fantasy points scored of any players.

That’s impressive, and even more so when you can’t figure out who the heck they are throwing to. This was the first time all season that zero wideouts cracked the 20-fantasy-points mark. Eleven receivers topped 100 yards, but none had a standout performance of note. Flowers topped the pack in large part thanks to a 37-yard rushing TD, not just his WR work.

 
“Dallas” edition

3rd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.17 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Mike White, -0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mac Jones, -0.44 pts — on the wire

I just really wanted to have a Dallas somewhere in the worst performers this week.

Patriots QB Mac Jones threw for 316 yards and three TDs against the Eagles in the opener this season, totaling 30.14 fantasy points. This week he threw for 89 yards and two interceptions against the New Jersey Giants before being benched for the second half of the loss. Jones was drafted by the Patriots in 2021 and made the Pro Bowl that year. Now, the 2-9 New England team is likely looking at drafting a new play caller with one of the top picks in next year’s NFL draft.


** Late in that unwatchable Cowboys game on Thanksgiving, Dallas QB Dak Prescott tossed a 34-yard TD pass to WR KaVontae Turpin to put his team up 37-10 and essentially end the game. As part of their end zone celebration, several players ran over to the giant Salvation Army kettle display near the end zone and pulled out a turkey leg, handing it to their QB to get a snack while they danced with glee. CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson immediately chimed in with her … insight.

“I’ve got the full story of how that turkey leg ended up in the bucket. Ahead of the game, TE Jack Ferguson told his teammates ‘hey, we’ve got to put a turkey leg in there for after we score.’ So they did it.”

Wow. There’s so much intrigue and subterfuge there I’m surprised Wolfson could remember all the twists and turns. And it totally cleared up my confusion of whether Prescott was using a prop to celebrate or simply eating trash off the ground because he was so hungry. Solid sideline journalism, as always.

** As part of its pre-game ads for “Black Friday Football” this week, Amazon showed shots of RB Christian McCaffery sprinting out of the locker room, QB Jalen Hurts prepping on the sideline, LB Micah Parsons lining up for a defensive rush, DE Maxx Crosby sacking a QB, WR Chris Olave making a clutch catch and QB Patrick Mahomes celebrating a score, all over the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black.” Then a deep announcer’s voice boomed, “Black Friday is now game day.”

It was, in fact, a game day that featured zero of those players. They didn’t show any Dolphins or Jets until the 30-second mark of the commercial. But, if that’s all I had to sell viewers on, maybe I’d keep the actual teams secret too.

Even though the 1-10 Panthers fired their head coach this week and have been outscored by 119 points this season, they still have a possible path to the playoffs. All they need to do to finish atop the NFC south is:

** Win five of their next six games, finishing with a 6-11 record.
** Have the Falcons lose the rest of their games, finishing at 5-12.
** Have the Saints lose the rest of their games except the one against the Falcons, finishing at 6-11.
** Have the Bucs beat the Falcons and Saints but lose their other 4, finishing at 6-11.

If that happens, the Panthers with a 4-2 record in the division would be crowned champions. And they’d be the #4 seed, hosting a first-round playoff game.

Ridiculous, right? Maybe not. Of their last six games, the Panthers only play one team with a winning record (the Jaguars). And the other teams in the NFC South have a combined 6-16 record outside of the division. Suddenly six wins and playoff dreams sounds at least somewhat plausible.

Speaking of Jake “Turd” Ferguson, he’s done more for the Cowboys this year than hide poultry. The second-year pro is third on the team in receiving yards and has been a key offensive contributor for Dallas. But he’s even more important in the character of the team, helping them establish an identity on and off the field. And when you rearrange the letters in his name, you can see exactly what that identity is:

Dallas Cowboys TE Jake Ferguson
** A jerk. A soft cudgel. Obeys no laws.

The Cowboys haven’t obeyed any laws of humanity in the past, so why start now?

** Finally a good week for Dad, who went 2-1 in the weekly picks and dropped his deficient on the year down to 11. And he did not pick the Jets to win. So progress all around.

** The NFL Hall of Fame on Tuesday announced their semifinalists for the 2024 class and it includes former Eagles CB Eric Allen and former Eagles RB Ricky Watters. But they also eliminated from the ballot K David Akers, QB Randall Cunningham, RB Brian Westbrook, QB Donovan McNabb and CB Troy Vincent. And I get that you have to make cuts, but RB Fred Taylor made it past the first round. Fred Taylor!?! Who was healthy for like 15 minutes over a decade? How is he a potential Hall of Famer and former league MVP Cunningham isn’t?

** For all you ESPN+ fans, Delaware takes on Montana State in the second round of the FCS playoffs at 9pm on Saturday night. To prep for that, you can root against Villanova at noon when they take on Youngstown State.


Week 12 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1505.86 pts
2 — The Best (Jonathan), 1492.67 pts
3 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1461.77 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1444.40 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1378.66 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1365.92 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1361.29 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1319.24 pts
9 — Die Hard is a Christmas Movie (Paul), 1283.12 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1178.09 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1175.22 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1087.52 pts

Our top four teams all had huge weeks again, elevating their tier ahead of the rest of the pack. Dad topped the week with 147.39 pts and tops the standings again, with Jonathan close behind. But Dad has an incredible eight players on a bye this week, meaning he’ll be doing some serious scrambling to stay up there.

Tough week all around — Bob had 116.72 pts this week, and that was only good enough for 8th place over the holiday slate of contests. I thought I was making up ground on the leaders and only finished a point ahead of Bob. Paul’s yippee-ki-yay attitude has him slowly climbing up, but there may not be enough time left to overcome his slow start. Jeff’s team remains dead.

Six teams are on byes this week, including the Ravens and Bills, so that should cause significant heartache for everyone (and not just Dad). Check those rosters early. Only six weeks left in the season…

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 11 recap

Are we totally sure that we know who won that Monday night game? Consider the following:

** QB Jalen Hurts threw for the fewest yards in a game this season (150) in Monday’s game against the Chiefs. The last time he had a quarterback performance with fewer yards was a 13-7 loss to the Giants in week 12 of 2021.

** The Eagles held the ball on offense for fewer than 28 minutes on Monday night. The last time they had less time on offense in a game was a 20-10 loss to the Saints in week 16 of 2022.

** WR AJ Brown was limited to one catch for 8 yds in Monday’s game. The last time he was held to a single reception was a 32-21 loss to the Commanders in week 9 of 2022.

** The Eagles scored only 21 points on Monday night, their second-lowest total of the year. The last time they scored fewer than 22 points was during a 20-14 loss to the Jets in week 6 of this year.

** The Chiefs led by a touchdown with seven minutes left in Monday’s game. The last time they had that type of lead over the Eagles was during a 38-35 win over the Eagles in the Super Bowl last year.

Don’t be surprised later this week if the NFL uses that evidence to review the results of Monday’s contest and overturn the final result. Until then, enjoy the 9-1 record for the second year in a row.

QB: Trevor Lawrence, 36.18 pts — on Joel’s bench
WR: Calvin Ridley, 24.17 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Saquon Barkley, 26.10 pts — started by Dad
TE: George Kittle, 15.93 pts — started by Paul
K: Tyler Bass, 17.00 pts — started by me
DEF: Buffalo, 24.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Khalil Mack, 10.50 pts — on the wire

There were actually ties at the kicker and defensive player spots, but they involved more waiver wire guys, and neither you or I really care.

Just missing the top performers was Dallas CB DaRon Bland, who collected his sixth interception of the season and his fourth interception return TD, tying an NFL record (held by three others, including Eagles CB Eric Allen). That means that Bland, who does not play on offense, now has more receiving TDs on the year than WRs Justin Jefferson, DK Metcalf, Chris Olave, Jalen Waddle or Garret Wilson. He’s also tied with RB Boston Scott in rushing TDs (zero).

A big round of applause for Lawrence, who was the trendy pick in the fantasy sports community to “step up this year” and become a top-tier fantasy scorer. Sadly, this week’s performance was only the third time he has gotten above 20 points in a game. He now ranks as the #17 fantasy quarterback on the season, behind Kirk Cousins (who suffered a season-ending injury three weeks ago) and Josh Dobbs (traded from Arizona to Minnesota to replace Cousins). But, solid work this week at least.

“Just bad” edition

3rd place: Craig Reynolds, -1.38 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Drew Lock, -1.88 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tennessee, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The Titans were the only defense on the week to score in negative territory, victims of that onslaught by Lawrence and the Jaguars. Lock was one of three backup QBs to come into a game on Sunday and leave with fewer fantasy points than when they were on the bench.

As mentioned earlier, Burrow went down with a season-ending arm injury in the first quarter of the Bengals’ Thursday night loss to the Ravens. He ended with a disappointing 10.74 pts for Jo’s team … which was still better than the full-game totals from Jets QB Zach Wilson, Panthers QB Bryce Young and Steelers QB Kenny Pickett. There’s a lot of bad QB play out there right now, folks.


** Just how bad was the Maryland Commanders contest to the New Jersey Giants on Sunday? The Giants came into the game 1-8 against the rest of the league, and finished the day 2-0 against the Commanders. Maryland sacked Giants QB Tommy DeVito nine times and still found a way to lose. And yet, none of that was the low point for the once-proud DC-area franchise. That actually came after the game, when both teams took freezing cold showers.

From the team’s front office: “We had an equipment failure in the main water heater that provides hot water to the field level locker rooms. We can’t resolve the matter without completely shutting off the water to the stadium, which is why it couldn’t be repaired in game.”

It’s one thing not to be able to put together a decent football team. It’s another thing not to be able to handle basic plumbing needs for your place of work. No wonder they can’t get the crap out of the place…

** During ESPN’s top plays segment on Tuesday morning, the network showed Chief’s QB Patrick Mahomes scrambling out of a sack and tossing a TD pass over the hands of the Eagles secondary for the game’s first score. “Mahomes, is there anything he can’t do?” asked anchor Jay Harris.

Um, yeah, he couldn’t win that Monday night game all alone. A few minutes ago you had a long segment about all the drops Kansas City’s wideouts have had. I dunno, maybe watch your own show before you throw questions out there.

** CBS analyst Tony Romo, during Buffalo’s big win over the Jets (4-6) on Sunday: “If the Bills win their next three, they may be your Super Bowl favorites.”

The Bills next three: at Eagles (9-1), at Chiefs (7-3), home vs. Cowboys (7-3)
The Bills last four: loss to the Broncos (5-5), loss to the Bengals (5-5), win against the Bucs (4-6), loss to the Patriots (2-8)

All I’m pointing out is that “if” is carrying a lot of weight in that sentence. Maybe have the Bills beat a team with a winning record before planning the championship parade.

It’s never too early to look ahead at next year’s rookie class. Here’s a quiz for you — which of these are current college football stars and possible first round picks next year, and which are made-up joke names?

1. DE Chop Robinson              
             First-rounder Fraud
2. OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu   
             First-rounder Fraud
3. CB Kool-Aid McKinstry   
             First-rounder Fraud
4. OT Joe Alt           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
5. WR Hingle McCringleberry 
             First-rounder Fraud
   
6. DE Laiatu Latu                 
             First-rounder Fraud
   
7. OT Kingsley Suamataia     
             First-rounder Fraud
   
8. WR Rome Odunze           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
9. S Kiran Amegadjie           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
10. TE Marshel Martin IV     
              First-rounder Fraud

Don’t bother looking for a submit button, I still haven’t figured out how to do those. Besides, all of those names are actual people who may be drafted in the first round next year except for Martin. He is considered more of a second-round talent.

Oh, and Hingle McCringleberry is a made-up player from a Key and Peele sketch. But you knew that.

While everyone loves Thanksgiving, we as Americans are faced with the same question every year when the holiday rolls around: Why do we have to watch the stupid Cowboys game instead of a non-evil team? After all, the Lions started playing a Thanksgiving day game 89 years ago, establishing it as an annual tradition. Dallas started playing them 30 years later, declaring it their tradition too because they wanted attention. As thus we were all forced to experience several hours of bitterness on a day meant to engender gratitude.

So why hasn’t this been stopped? Can we all pray for relief? Alas, we cannot. Just look at what the letters in the question clearly spell out:

Why do the Dallas Cowboys get to play on every Thanksgiving day?
** Wily Satan, ye icy hag, boldly takes over TV when thy good God naps

I guess the silver lining here is the knowledge that even God naps on Thanksgiving, so it must be a holy and righteous activity.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, he remains down 12 for the season. And, yes, he picked the Jets again. And, yes, the Jets lost again. And, yes, I called Dad to tell him to switch his pick and he still believed in the Jets. I’m honestly out of solutions here.

** Phillies P Aaron Nola’s new seven-year, $172 million contract makes him the richest pitcher in Phillies history and the highest-paid athlete in Philadelphia today … unless you count the six guys still making more than him (AJ Brown, Bryce Harper, Trea Turner, Tobias Harris, Jalen Hurts and Joel Embiid). They all make at least $25 million a year. There are now 11 Philadelphia players making more than $20 million this season. So if you’re wondering why ticket prices are still going up…

** Eagles K Jake Elliott doesn’t have a single field goal this month and has only kicked two in the last five games. I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, but it is weird.

** After Monday’s win, Eagles QB Jalen Hurts said the victory was even sweeter because “we still haven’t played our best game yet” and, I dunno, maybe we could try that one week? Like, just come out and play well for all four quarters and see what that feels like? It would be a fun experiment, I think.

Week 11 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1359.35 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1358.97 pts
3 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1319.42 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1309.53 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1274.89 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1271.36 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1243.71 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1202.46 pts
9 — Standard Mediocrity (Paul), 1162.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1046.67 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1046.66 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 996.26 pts

It’s the third straight week we’re had a new leader atop the Awesome Cup standings — this time it’s a return to grace for the boy, who barely squeaked by Dad for first place. The pair were also one-two in the weekly standings, both topping 130 pts in a week where seven teams could not reach 100.

Sam’s tumble down the charts continues unabated. He was within striking distance of the top spot a few weeks ago, and now sits all the way down in no-man’s land with me. Mom D and Jo are still lingering but beginning to fade from the upper echelon. Joel had 42.5 pts on his bench and just 63.30 in his starting lineup, so that is less than ideal.

We’re just seven weeks away from crowning a new Awesome Cup Champion, but this one will test your roster-setting concentration skills. There are three games on Thanksgiving, one on Black Friday, one on Sunday night, one on Monday night and … I don’t know, maybe three on Sunday afternoon? Check those rosters early and often.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 10 recap

This weekend will be remembered not as a weekend of exciting matchups and hard-nosed football but instead as the final death knell of the football gods. Consider:

** Facing a 14-point deficit in the fourth quarter, the Cleveland Browns led a long TD drive to pull within seven, then picked off a Ravens pass and returned it for a TD. All of the sudden, the game was tied … or it should have been, if not for a missed extra point on the try. As expected the football gods punished the Browns for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Browns got the ball back a few minutes later and kicked the game-winning field goal. No negative karma detected.

** In one of Saturday’s top college football showdowns, Washington led Utah 33-28 with the Utes charging down the field. With the Huskies undefeated season on the line, LB Alphonzo Tuputala picked off an errant Utah pass and returned it 76 yds for a TD … or it should have been, if he didn’t pull a DeSean Jackson and drop the ball on the on-yard line. Utah recovered, and the football gods punished Washington for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. Washington got a safety two plays later and won 35-28. No negative karma detected.

** Leading by three with just two minutes left in the game, the Texans faced a third and 3 at their own 32-yard line. The Bengals had no timeouts, so the team could drain valuable time off the clock with a running play … which they opted not to do, instead throwing an incomplete pass and stopping the clock. Cincinnati got the ball back, drove 58 yards in 37 seconds, tied the game, and the football gods punished Houston for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Texans got the ball back and kicked the game-winning field goal with no time left on the clock. No negative karma detected.

** During Monday night’s game, the Bills trailed the Broncos 15-8 after a host of turnovers. The ESPN halftime crew turned to their team of experts to break down what was wrong with the Buffalo offense … or they should have, but instead they brought on Eli Manning from their alternate broadcast to mumble for a bit and say he expected both teams to play better in the second half. For opting to showcase the dumber Manning brother on TV longer, the football gods punished the network harshly.

Just kidding. The fans instead got punished with a sloppy second half, including a game-winning Broncos drive that included a 28-yard pass interference penalty and a “too many men on the field” penalty on the defense during a missed FG attempt. No negative karma detected for ESPN, and Eli Manning’s crimes against humanity continue to go unpunished.

QB: Dak Prescott, 45.86 pts — started by Mike
WR: Keenan Allen, 29.17 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Jahmyr Gibbs, 23.53 pts — started by me
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 20.43 pts — started by Dad
K: Jason Myers, 21.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Kyle Hamilton, 13.00 pts — on the wire

In three games against New Jersey teams this season, the Cowboys are 3-0 with a plus-82 point differential. In their six other games? They’re 3-3 with a plus-12 point differential. The moral of the story is to beat up on crappy New York area teams when you can, and people will think you’re elite.

Gibbs is the fourth best fantasy RB over the last four weeks, totaling 70.87 points, just two points behind all-pro 49ers back Christian McCaffrey. And both of those two had a bye week in that period. So they’ve outscored the field even after taking a week off.

Of the top five fantasy WRs this week, Allen was the only one whose team lost. But he almost single-handedly screwed me in another league, so I feel no sympathy for him.

“Defenseless” edition

3rd place: New Jersey Giants, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit, -4.00 pts — on my bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Jo

Or maybe Allen’s success could not offset the Chargers’ complete ineptness on defense. The team surrendered 41 points and registered no sacks, no turnovers and no signs of life. The only defense to come close to that same level of awfulness was … their opponent, the Lions, who managed one interception and surrendered only 38 points. On the plus side, it was a fun matchup to watch.

The Giants defense is now the worst in all of fantasy football, averaging 3.60 pts a game. Sunday was the fifth time this season they have scored less than zero in a contest. The good news for them is their opponent next week, the Maryland Commies, are the third worst defense in all of fantasy football. It’s possible neither team makes a tackle the whole game.


** Early in the Seahawks-Commies game, Seattle WR Tyler Lockett went up for a catch in the middle of the field and was speared in the head by CB Emmanuel Forbes. The refs threw a flag for a personal foul penalty, Lockett was sent to the sidelines for concussion tests, and Seahawks radio analyst Dave Wyman ripped into Forbes.

“You can’t do that,” he said. “Sometimes, when you go for a hit, your head drops as you put your shoulder down. And other times you have what Forbes did. You can’t do that.”

After a brief huddle, the referees announced that Forbes was ejected from the game for unsafe play. In response, Wyman suddenly went completely against what he said a moment earlier.

“I mean, I just don’t agree with that,” he said. “It just seems harsh to me. You need to give a guy another chance before you kick him out. That’s just such a big call.”

So, you need to give him a second chance to spear another guy? Make sure he causes a major injury with his irresponsible play, instead of just a minor one?

Or maybe Lockett got hit so hard on the play that Wyman had short-term memory loss, and forgot what he had just said.

** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt had this tease with five minutes to go in Monday night’s Broncos/Bills tilt:

“Tune in for Sportscenter. When this game is done, we will know who won, and we’ll talk about that.”

That was a relief. I hate all these NFL games that end in a cliffhanger where you have to wait seven days for the standings to update.

** During the Cowboys/Giants game, as Dallas faced 2nd and Goal from the four-yard line with a seven-point lead, New Jersey radio play-by-play announcer Bob Papa made a grim assessment: “If the defense can’t stop them here, and with the way the Giants’ offense is going, this could decide the game.”

Papa said that with nine minutes left to go … in the first half.

He wasn’t wrong — Dallas went up 14-0 and eventually won 49-17. So I guess it wasn’t really one of the stupidest things I heard this week. But it was the saddest by far.

The Eagles return to action after their bye in a Monday night game against the Kansas City Chiefs. And while all the attention should be on the rematch of last February’s Super Bowl — and a possible preview of next February’s championship game — everyone instead has been focused on the Kelce/Swift relationship.

But it’s hard to criticize fans and pundits for the attention, given the excitement the two have already produced. After all, Kelce has had some of his best games with Swift in attendance. Swift seems to get along with everyone, despite being a newbie to the team and fans. The football has been top-notch, the music has gotten even better. And the two are the best-looking couple in the NFL.

So let’s not criticize folks for getting all wound up over the relationship. After all, if the Eagles are going to go far this season, it’ll be on the backs of C Jason Kelce and RB D’Andre Swift. Don’t let people attack Swift for being a newcomer. Don’t let the haters hate on Jason for his new Christmas album or being named a finalist in People’s sexiest man contest.

And the other Kelce/Swift couple? Eh, whatever. I’m not sure anyone has really noticed them.

WR Brandin Cooks was a key offseason pickup for the Cowboys last spring, expected to bring more depth to the team’s receiving corps. Instead, he has been mostly a bust, scoring his first TD of the year in Sunday’s blowout and only totaling 17 catches in eight games before that. Of course, Dallas would have known he was washed up before opening day if they had simply deciphered the message hidden in his name:

Dallas Cowboys WR Brandin Cooks
** A coward, a risky clown. Old snob, BS.

You could say Cooks is cooked, but I would not stoop to that level for a pun. But I would like to pile on nonetheless.

Brandin Cooks
** Non-basic dork
** Cabin son dork
** Bacon sin dork
** Con-in-abs dork
** Sardonic knob

In summary, welcome to the Cowboys, dork.

** Another awful week for Dad’s prognosticating skills — he went 0-4 in our picks and now trails by 12 games with just eight weeks left in the season. At least five of those losses are because of the Jets. I’m not sure how many times he has to grab that hot stove before he learns.

** The Sixers are 5-0 and the Clippers are 0-3 since James Harden was traded to Los Angeles and I for one am shocked — SHOCKED — that the man who forced his way off of three previous squads is not behaving like a team player for the Clippers.

** Just a quick check on your college fantasy football team: If you started LSU QB Jayden Daniels this weekend, he had 372 yds passing, 234 yds rushing and five total TDs for a fantasy score of 68.28 pts. And he still wasn’t the best player to start, because Oklahoma QB Dillon Gabriel beat him by a point and a half (423 yds passing, 50 yds rushing, 8 total TDs, 69.92 fantasy pts).

 
Week 10 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1226.46 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1219.48 pts
3 — The Best (Jonathan), 1209.71 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1189.55 pts
5 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1175.49 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1147.67 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1129.98 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1106.55 pts
9 — Miss American Pie (Paul), 1063.26 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 983.37 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 960.41 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 924.99 pts

Another week, another new leader in the Awesome Cup standings. Dad’s picks may have been dreadful over the weekend but his fantasy choices were on point. He beat me in the Garrity Family league by 0.86 pts and grabbed first place in this league after a week-high 137.87 pts from his Bills-heavy squad. After lingering around the top for the last month or so, he finally reached the summit … for now.

Jo sits less than 7 points behind first place, and Jonathan has been relegated all the way down to bronze medal position. Mom D hopped over Sam after he forgot to start a QB this week (bold strategy). Mike, Bob and I are still trying to climb back into relevance. And I guess we’re supposed to say bye-bye to Paul’s team now, given the new name change?

This week — there’s a big Thursday night game (Ravens vs Bengals) and a huge Monday night game (Eagles vs. Chiefs) and a lot of junk in between. So check your lineups early, because you may need to shift things around to account for injuries and general incompetence. I’m looking at you, Buffalo.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 9 recap

A lot of players stood out in the Eagles’ huge win over the Cowboys on Sunday, but the individuals who took center stage in the thrilling game were the zebra’s trying to muck it all up. Consider their stats on the day:

** 24 — The number of penalties the refs called in the game. That means they were on camera more than Dallas running backs (only 21 rushing attempts for the game).

** 20 — The number of penalties accepted. That means the refs hit their targets more than QB Jalen Hurts (17 completions for the game).

** 61 — The penalty yards against the Eagles on the Cowboys’ final drive. That means over the final minute, the Cowboys only earned 18 yards on their own (79-yard drive).

** 181 — Total penalty yards for both teams. That means the refs were as effective on the ground as both teams (182 combined rushing yards).

** 2.2 million — Approximate number of Dallas fans who posted within 10 minutes of the end of the game that the refs favored the Eagles and cost the Cowboys a win, even though both teams ended up with 10 penalties and the Eagles ended up with 15 more penalty yards.

Shout out to head referee Tra Blake for his service on Sunday. Nobody wanted to see you, but you made sure that viewers got plenty of you anyway.

QB: CJ Stroud, 51.80 pts — started by Joel
WR: Tank Dell, 23.82 pts — on the wire
RB: Rachaad White, 24.37 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Cole Kmet, 19.17 pts — started by Bob
K: Younghoe Koo, 19.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: LA Chargers, 30.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Kenny Moore II, 20.50 pts — on the wire

Welcome to the NFL, CJ Stroud. The rookie from Ohio State had the best fantasy day of any player in the last four years on Sunday, throwing for 470 yards and five TDs (and a two-point conversion) in the Texans wild 39-37 win over Tampa Bay. You have to go back to week 7 of 2019 for the last QB to top his total (Aaron Rodgers, 53.76 pts), and you can’t find any rookie fantasy performance better in NFL history. It’s starting to look like maybe that guy should have been the #1 overall pick ahead of Bryce Young…

Only four players had two receiving TDs this week: Dell, Kmet, Bucs TE Cade Otton and Moore. However, only three of those players are on offense. Moore picked off two passes and returned them both for TDs in the Colts 27-13 win over the Panthers. That means he was the best defensive and offensive player for Indianapolis, since the actual offense only managed 13 points on its own.

Just a reminder that even though Taysom Hill outscored Kmet this week, he doesn’t count as the top TE because he is not actually a TE.

“Names I may have made up” edition

3rd place: Ben Skowronek, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Zamir White, -0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Clayton Tune, -0.88 pts — on the wire

Clayton Tune is a real football player, although none of the stats I’m about to present will back that up. After the Cardinals traded away Josh Dobbs early last week, Tune was pressed into the starting role. He responded with 58 yds on 11 completions, plus two interceptions and a fumble lost in a 27-0 loss to the Browns. That’s a 20.8 QB rating for the day, much worse than the 39.6 rating you posted sitting on your couch (0 for 1, zero yards).

Meanwhile, Dobbs didn’t practice at all with the Vikings this week, but still came off the bench to lead the Vikings to a 31-28 comeback win over the Falcons. Dobbs finished with 158 yds passing and two TDs, plus 66 yds rushing and another TD, in about one half of work. Minnesota now sits in the 7th seed in standings, good enough to make the playoffs if the season ended today. And what did Arizona get for giving up a solid QB starter? A Vikings 6th round pick. Oh, and Arizona also gave up a 7th round pick. So they maybe moved up 40 spots at the end of the draft. Good work, guys. That’ll definitely get you a new franchise leader.


** At the end of Saturday’s Ohio State win over Rutgers, CBS studio analyst Brent Stover noted that the victory over the New Jersey school was especially sweet for a few Ohio State players. QB Kyle McCord grew up a Rutgers fan, and WR Marvin Harrison Jr. was raised in Philly.

Then fellow talking head Danny Kanell chimed in too — “And Safety Ja’Had Carter grew up in Virginia!”

Stover actually paused, stared at him and said, “that’s a little farther away.” Kannell, apparently unable to stop his mouth from spouting ignorance, replied, “well I mean they’re all from the East Coast.”

Kannell, a former starting QB at Florida State University, grew up in Fort Lauderdale which is … (checks map) … also on the East Coast, so apparently it’s also close to Rutgers. That, or Florida State’s geography requirements for graduation really are not good.

** At halftime of the LSU-Alabama game Saturday night, Army recruiting sponsored an “impossible kick” challenge. They set up a 10-foot wide goalpost 40 feet in the air and challenged former All-Pro kicker David Akers to try and boot it through.

Reading from a script, Akers exclaimed “I don’t know if anyone can do that!” then proceeded to try a few times (with former LB Clay Matthews as a holder, for no discernable reason). His best attempt missed low by a few feet. Then the Army brought in a whole squad of assistants to load the ball into a modified cannon, fire the football through the uprights, and lecture about the importance of teamwork in reaching your goals and blah blah blah.

Here’s the thing though — you could see that Akers totally could have done it if they gave him a few more tries. If the point was to make it look impossible, don’t bring a superhuman kicker into the picture and have him barely miss. Why not use a Gramática brother instead? Either of those guys would have missed by a mile, underscoring the point.

Anyways, David Akers is still out there making money and looking solid, so that’s a silver lining amid all that dumb.

** Last week, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he didn’t want to “poke the bear” by saying anything controversial ahead of Sunday’s big Eagles game. Dallas QB Dak Prescott had a different take:

“Pour honey on me. If you see me and a bear in a fight, pour honey on me.”

RIP to Dak, who got what he wanted — a mauling from a hungry bear in the form of the Eagles team.

Halfway through the season, here’s a look at where we stand in the NFL’s annual “best fantasy football color” contest:

Brown — 538.46 pts
The clear favorite so far. WRs AJ Brown (Eagles), Amon-Ra St. Brown (Lions) and Marquise Brown (Cardinals) account for almost 300 points by themselves. And the Cleveland defense adds another 91 points to the total.

White — 163.21 pts
Tampa RB Rachaad White is doing most of the work here, with 89.40 pts. But Cardinals LB Kyzir White is pushing the team ahead with 29.50 pts of his own. Jets Safety Jordan Whitehead sadly did not make the squad, since only part of his body qualified.

Moss — 115.70 pts
Colts RB Zack Moss is doing this all on his own. His petition to team up with green was denied.

Green — 74.63 pts
Always the most controversial contestant. Nine players named Green or Greene have combined for a pitiful 13.63 pts this season, but the team gets a huge boost from the Packers defense, since their entire bay is Green.

Gray — 44.86 pts
Only four players qualified for the team this year, but Chiefs TE Noah Gray (30.37 pts) is making a strong push to bring the shade back into relevance.

Gold — 17.2 pts
Steelers LB Markus Golden leads the way with 10.5 pts, but don’t discount Miami RB Alec Ingold’s contributions (6.70 pts).

Apple — 17.00 pts
The team’s only member is Dolphins CB Eli Apple. That’s a lonely orchard.

Better luck next year to blue, yellow, red, orange, purple, silver and the rest of the rainbow.

Dallas rookie Hunter Luepke got his first taste of the rivalry with the Eagles on Sunday, recording a single sack on special teams. The running back has not shown much promise thus far this season on the field, but coaches see him as a key character guy in the locker room. And by character, I mean destructive character. Just look at what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys rookie RB Hunter Luepke
** Uncool. He takes kid earlobes. Pry, blur, ow!

I don’t know what you do with earlobes after you steal them, and I do not want to know.

** Rough week for Dad, who went 1-4 in our head-to-head picks. That leaves him down eight in the yearly standings at the midway point of the season. I’m fairly confident he has gotten the Jets wrong every single week this year. Luckily, he can still toss a few deep passes to catch up to me … unlike the Jets, who cannot move the ball at all.

** Dallas has the highest home attendance of any team this season, averaging about 93,600 fans. But that’s actually way short of capacity at AT&T Stadium, which is listed as fitting just over 100,000 fans. On a capacity basis, Dallas is the second least successful team at filling their home stadium, beating out only the Falcons (93.6% vs 92.8%). The Eagles are at 100% capacity so far this year, meaning unlike the Cowboys, they have not been playing in front of thousands of empty seats.


Week 9 standings

1 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1110.23 pts
2 — The Best (Jonathan), 1095.06 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1088.59 pts
4 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1087.62 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1060.29 pts
6 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1020.30 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1019.15 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 997.12 pts
9 — Evil Maniacal Laughter (Paul), 966.57 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 888.67 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 878.25 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 803.99 pts

Who cares about the medal stand? Not Jo, who jumped from fourth to first in a single week, thanks to a monster 152.65-pts performance over the weekend slate of games (even with a dead defensive player). In doing so, she dethroned her son for the first time since week 3.

And the bad news keeps coming for the boy, who now sits less than eight points out of fourth place after a miserable week from his backups (Jonathan had three starters on a bye). Dad and Sam are a TD and two-point conversion away from tossing his team down even further.

The second highest-scoring team this week? You can hear Paul’s cackling all up and down the East Coast. Another name change, and another morale boost for his squad. This has been just a remarkable coaching turnaround this season.

But we’re only at the halfway mark. There are more byes (hello, Eagles) and another Germany game (goodbye, Patriots!) to worry about this week, so check your squads early.