Fantasy League 2022 -- final season recap

It seems like it was only yesterday (or 18 weeks ago, my sense of time has been a mess since the pandemic) that we were looking at the start of the fantasy football season as a moment of joy and excitement. And now, with all the regular season complete, all of your dreams have been crushed into dust, except for one lucky coach. But before we unveil that name, let’s look back at everything that went wrong since August:

Let’s Go Iggles (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1594.60 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans

Easiest call of the year. Everybody expected the Texans to be bad this year, and they were. I expected Paul to bail out around week 5, and he did. I even predicted his final score within 100 pts, while Yahoo overestimated by almost 500. No need to spend a lot of time on Paul’s roster, because he hasn’t talked to the players since before Thanksgiving. It’s the same strategy Lovie Smith took with his Houston team, and that’s why he was fired this week.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 1705.17 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers

This was one of my sleeper teams, and it blew up in my face. Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans and Deebo Samuel seemed like an unstoppable receiving corps, and RB Dameon Pierce was great … until both his legs fell off midseason. Relying on QB Matt Stafford looks pretty rough in hindsight too. On the plus side, Sam only finished a stone’s throw out of 9th place, much like the Panthers finished just a hair out of first place in the NFC South. On the minus side, that’s still pretty poor.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1711.42 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons

I saw this one coming before a game was played, and, again, another score prediction within 5 percent of the actual total. QB Dak Prescott was shaky. RB Damien Harris was weak. WR Cooper Kupp had a huge drop off from 2021. Starting RB Melvin Gordon for the last two months — even after he was cut by the Broncos and no longer playing football, probably wasn't a great coaching strategy either. And TE Travis Kelce … OK, he was still great, I may have guessed that part wrong. But it wasn’t enough to elevate this squad into the single digits.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1753.04 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts

Ooooh boy. I really thought Bob’s squad had a chance to make me look bad this year. The professor easily won best team name of the season and had a squad stacked with QB Justin Herbert, RBs Joe Mixon and Alvin Kamara, and two potential pro-Bowl TEs in TJ Hockenson and Dallas Goedert. And after that? Absolutely nothing. Like, “starting players everybody else drafted in the 10th round” nothing. Let that be a lesson to all of you, folks: If you want to win a title, you need depth on your bench. Always have a Nick Foles hiding somewhere.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1781.09 pts 8th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

Up until the last week of the season, you felt like old Aaron Rogers was gonna find a way to sneak into the playoffs. And even though Mike’s autodraft was dreadful this year, you just felt like he was gonna find a way to sneak into the top of the standings despite his roster’s shortcomings. To his credit, Mike pulled his squad up from dead last on Nov. 1 to the middle of the pack by the end of the year. Still, for title winners like Rogers and Mike, mediocre is just another word for failure.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1927.89 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals

I think Anthony was in 6th or 7th place every single week this year. But, in the same way that I don’t want to remember anything about the 2022 Cardinals season, I don’t want to spend time going back to check. Anthony managed to injure his top two RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Javonte Williams) and his top TE (Mark Andrews) before ending QB Kyler Murray’s season early. His top four drafted wideouts all missed time too. And yet, thankfully, his angel of death coaching style didn’t hurt Eagles K Jake Elliot. So at least Ant has his priorities straight.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Actual finish: 1942.67 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins

Another “told you so” from me to Yahoo. Jeff’s solid WR corps of Davante Adams, AJ Brown, and DK Metcalf kept him afloat all year, and his RB tandem of Dalvin Cook and Travis Etienne were solid if not spectacular. If his QB (Trey Lance) hadn’t been ripped in half in the second game of the season, maybe Jeff’’s squad could have excelled. But, much like the Dolphins, he snuck into the top half of the league and has a solid base of success to build on next season.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 1960.60 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: 2007 New England Patriots

It doesn’t matter what the stats say, Dad’s whole season is called into question because of the cheating scandal in the other league. Did his cheating there elevate his team here? Hard to say. Did deflating footballs and taping other teams’ practices help the Patriots win? Hard to say. But either way, it was a clear violation, and it sullies the entire competitive balance of the league. Dad and Bill Belechick will now be forever linked in the minds of fans everywhere.

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2097.37 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals

Fourth place is a great finish for a second-year player, but if we’re being honest, Jonathan should have gotten done better. No one in our fantasy league was hurt more by the canceled Bills/Bengals contest than Jonathan, who lost out on a projected 40-plus points when QB Joe Burrow and WR Stefon Diggs didn’t play. If the game turned into a shootout, both were capable of posting even more, and the boy fell just 53 points short of his second second-place finish. Of course, if RB Miles Sanders hadn’t disappeared for the last month of the season, maybe he would have finished higher too. But, as it is, he can claim dominion over almost everyone else in the league, just not anyone else in his own house.

Champ for Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2405.33 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2102.71 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

Last year’s Awesome Cup champion fails to repeat but posts a respectable third-place finish, giving her a league-record five bronze medals. Over the last three years she has finished 3rd, 1st and 3rd, making her the complementary model of consistency to Andy Reid’s current football team. Both owe their success to QB Patrick Mahomes this year, but Jo also managed to wring a lot of points out of players on messy teams like the Jets (WR Garrett Wilson and RB Breece Hall) and Packers (RB Aaron Jones and WR Allen Lazard) too. And for the second year in a row, she finishes one spot ahead of her son, keeping the next generation in his place for the time being.

JJaw dropping skills (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2150.20 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: 2004 Philadelphia Eagles

I was only off 17 points in my pre-season prediction of how my team would do. Less than 1 percent. C’mon, that’s pretty crazy.

Did I mention I drafted the top three rushers on the season (RBs Derrick Henry, Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs)? And did I mention that if I had drafted running QB Jalen Hurts instead of running QB Lamar Jackson in the fourth round, I would have finished 150 pts higher? I screwed up my QB picks in all four leagues I was in this year, which made for some tough sledding. Still, with an exemplary RB corps and inventive waiver wire strategy, I managed to keep first place within view until late in the season. It’s my 12th podium finish in the 21 years we’ve had the league, which just shows that if you’re dedicated and smart and in control of all of the league’s settings, you can achieve great things.

But, second place is still just first loser, so it’s time to crown our new champion:

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 2386.85 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Eagles

The college football championship was a ridiculous 65-7 blowout, and the race for the Awesome Cup wasn’t really much closer. Mom jumped into first place in week 7 and never let go. Her margin of victory was so big that she could have benched RB Jamaal Williams — the #7 RB on the season — before the first week of games and still won by about 30 points. If she had benched all her players except her kicker the final two weeks of the season, she still would have won by a dozen points.

She drafted the top RB (Austin Eckler), the top K (Justin Tucker), the #2 TE (George Kittle), the #3 QB (Hurts), the #6 RB (Saquon Barkley), the WR steal of the year (DeVonta Smith, drafted 41st, finished 11th), and surrounded them all with other fantasy studs like Williams and WR Terry McLaurin. It was total domination.

It should be noted this is the second year in a row the team that drafted Hurts won our fantasy league. It’s also the first time we’ve had back-to-back women wins in league history, and it’s the first title in eight years of playing for Mom D.

This is usually the moment where I unveil the winner’s name etched onto the front of the Awesome Cup. But, I have sad news to report. After 20 years, there is no room left there for another winner. Even as awesome as the Awesome Cup is, league officials have informed me that the trophy’s structural integrity cannot handle another layer without the whole thing collapsing. Plus, for the Awesome Cup to be truly epic, it must have the same number of rings as the greatest player in the history of the NFL, Eagles S Brian Dawkins (for whom last season — “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” — was named, in case you forgot.)

Therefore, in a break with tradition, Mom D’s name will instead be etched on …

 

… the other side of the cup. I mean, there’s plenty of room over there. I uploaded another copy here so you can zoom in and see just how much space there is. And doing this buys us 19 more years before we need to worry about where to fit the next set of names. By then, Jonathan should be running the league and it’ll be his problem.

Mom D’s reign of terror officially begins today, and the rest of us have to wait until next September to exact our revenge. Thanks again to everyone for playing and reading and propelling the Eagles to victory this season. Hopefully we’ll be able to enjoy the playoffs, and maybe even get to see a different trophy come to the Philly area.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 18 recap

Sunday’s Eagles win over the Giants featured the debut of New Jersey QB Davis Webb, the 67th different quarterback to start a game in the NFL this season. That’s the most since the 1987 strike season, and the first time since 2007 that more than 20 teams have needed multiple starters in a season.

And yet, even with all that opportunity, there were still several eligible QBs who didn’t get a chance to start any games this year. Here’s a look at some of the candidates team’s should consider for next year, if their benches start to get thin again:

** Eagles QB Ian Book — Book actually started one game for the Saints last year, but watched from the sideline all this season. If Minshew had managed to win last week against the Saints (allowing the Eagles to wrap up the #1 seed earlier) maybe Book could have gotten a few snaps against Webb.

** Colts QB Phillip Rivers — Considering all the QB problems the team had this year, it’s a shocker that they didn’t give Rivers (who retired two years ago) a call to ask if he wanted one last attempt at glory. It doesn’t really matter if his arm still works or not: Remember, they started Carson Wentz for 17 games last year.

** Buccaneers QB Tom Brady’s fourth clone — Sure, the second and third clones managed to lead the team to a playoff berth, but it seemed odd that the Tampa coaches didn’t roll out the newest version of Brady’s clones (produced in secret by his TB12 line five years ago) given all the offensive problems they had this year.

** Titans RB Derrick Henry — Henry has three completions for 10 yds and two TDs in the last two years. That’s a 120.1 QB rating, much better than Josh Dobbs (66.6 rating) and Malik Willis (42.8 rating) had in their 10 combined games this season.

** Broncos QB Russell Wilson — It would have been interesting to see him at QB at some point this year, instead of just wandering around the field aimlessly.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 423.04 pts — 6th QB drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Josh Allen, 471.02 pts — 1st QB drafted (Dad)
1st place: Patrick Mahomes, 499.20pts — 2nd QB drafted (Jo)

Joe Burrow came in as the 4th place QB with 422.70 pts, and then there was a huge drop off for 5th place (Geno Smith, 366.38). Blame a lot of injuries and uneven play from the passers this year. But bottom line, either you lucked out with one of the top four at the position this year, or you struggled week to week figuring out what to do.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Tyreek Hill, 232.62 pts — 8th WR drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Davante Adams, 235.47 pts — 6th WR drafted (Jeff)
1st place: Justin Jefferson, 245.36 pts — 1st WR drafted (Sam)

Two for two on identifying the top player at the position at the start of the year. It’s worth nothing that the Eagles were the only team with two of the top 12 WRs (AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith). Brown, drafted 12th, was in 5th place in the end. Smith, the 11th place finisher, was the 41st WR off the board in the draft. Former Eagles first-round pick Jalen Reagor finished as the 147th best WR this year.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Christian McCaffrey, 291.16 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Josh Jacobs, 291.47 pts — 26th RB drafted (me)
1st place: Austin Ekeler, 301.13 — 3rd RB drafted (Mom D)

For the record, Mom D and I together drafted six of the top seven RBs on the season, and the only we didn’t do better was because neither one of us picked high enough to snag McCaffrey. I’d also like to point out that I drafted the leading rusher (Jacobs), the second-leading rusher (Nick Chubb) and the third-leading rusher (Derrick Henry) on the year. I would have run away with this season if I could have figured out any other position. But I never started a single QB in the top 14 and only one wideout in the top 35, so ...

 
Top TEs of the year

3rd place: TJ Hockenson, 143.93 pts — 5th TE drafted (Bob)
2nd place: George Kittle, 148.50 pts — 4th TE drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 219.70 pts — 1st TE drafted (Joel)

I’d once again like to point out that Taysom Hill does not qualify for this category because he is not a tight end.

Look at that point total again — Kelce scored 50 percent more points than the second-place finisher. If we put him in the WR category, he finishes fourth there. If we put Kittle in the WR category, he finishes 17th (which is still really good for a TE!) Kelce remains a consistent problem for fantasy team construction each year.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Brett Maher, 161.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Daniel Carlson, 162.00 pts — 4th K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Justin Tucker, 164.50 pts — 1st K drafted (Mom D)

Four of the top players were our first position picks. Folks, this was by far our best drafting work ever! 

Joanna cut Carlson before the first game of the season, which I note only to emphasize that kickers are a complete crapshoot and should never be protected on your roster regardless the ultimate outcome. Except for Tucker, he just kills it year after year.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Dallas, 170.00 pts — 15th DEF drafted (Paul)
2nd place: San Francisco, 180.00 pts — 2nd DEF drafted (Ant)
1st place: New England, 194.00 pts — 10th DEF drafted (Jo)

The Eagles finished as the 4th best fantasy defense on the year, thanks in large part to the 70 sacks they collected over 17 weeks. Kansas City was the second best in that category with 55. But that impressive QB pressure total wasn’t nearly enough to overtake the Patriots’ 30 turnovers and eight defensive/special teams TDs on the season. On the other hand, those impressive defensive numbers weren’t enough to get New England into the playoffs, making them the only fantasy defense in the top seven to be heading home for the season today.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: Roquan Smith, 69.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Marcus Jones, 71.84 pts — undrafted
1st place: Foyesade Oluokun, 78.50 pts — undrafted

Not only did none of the top defensive players get drafted this year, but Jones — who collected more than 1,000 punt and kickoff return yards this season — never got picked up by a single team. Twice he topped 10 points in a week, and four times he was over 8 points. So, as I write every year … One day we’ll all figure out the secret to getting good defensive players.

 

QB: Russell Wilson, 29.12 pts — on Bob’s bench
WR:Keenan Allen, 22.80 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Zack Moss, 19.37 pts — started by Bob
TE: Jordan Akins, 20.67 pts — on the wire
K: Jake Elliott, 20.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Maryland Commies, 21.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
D: Josh Allen, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Good week for Bob’s bench…

Hahahahaha of course Russell Wilson finally has a good game when I’ve already made fun of him in my opener. I don't care, it's late in the season and I'm not going back up there to change it. 

Wilson topped 20 fantasy points just four times this year, but three of those came in his last five games. He threw 8 TD passes in the first three months of the season but 8 more in the last 30 days. And everybody stunk this week, so he gets to claim the honors as the top scorer in a meaningless week for his team.

And congrats to the other Josh Allen, who plays LB for the Jaguars. Unlike the Bills QB, who is a regular on the top performers list, Allen scored the winning TD in Jacksonville’s comeback win over the Titans, returning a fumble 37 yards to put his team ahead with less than three minutes to play. 

If the Jags win next weekend and the Ravens upset the Bengals, that means that Allen and his team will face Allen and the Bills the following week. And then we could have a repeat of last year, when Allen became the first player ever to sack a QB with the same name in NFL history. Because, of course, someone had been tracking that.

 

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Ihmir Smith-Marsette, -0.26 pts — on the wire
4th place: Nate Sudfeld, -0.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: C.J. Beathard, -1.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tim Boyle, -2.88 pts — on the wire

Congrats to Boyle, who managed to steal the title of worst fantasy player of the year on the final day of the season. As the Bears lost their finale to the Vikings on Sunday (but won the #1 overall pick in next spring’s draft), Boyle took over in relief and posted this line: 8 pass attempts, two completions for 33 yds, 2 interceptions, zero TDs. That’s a 4.69 QB rating on the day, roughly 8.5 times worse than your performance from the couch on Sunday (1 attempt, 0 yds/TDs/INTS = 39.6 QB rating). In just one day, he outperformed everyone else’s resume of the entire season. Impressive.

Special shout out to Smith-Marsette, the only non-QB on the list (15 receiving yds, 17 return yds, -1 rushing yds, and one fumble for the Chiefs). Both Sudfeld’s, the former Eagles QB, and Henne’s entire body of work this year were five kneel-downs in meaningless games. For some reason, however, that resulted in Henne losing 5 yds rushing, but only 4 yds lost for Sudfeld. Clearly he is better at kneeling the ball.


** Headline on ESPN Sunday evening: “Vikings WR Jefferson misses NFL record but hits 'my main goal'”

From the story: “Jefferson caught four passes for 38 yards Sunday in the Vikings' 29-13 victory over the Chicago Bears, setting his league-high totals at 128 receptions for 1,809 yards in 17 games. It was the sixth-most receiving yards for a season in NFL history … but it fell short of Calvin Johnson's record of 1,964 yards set over 16 games in 2012.”

So, he wasn’t all that close, even after playing an extra game. Hey, you know who else missed breaking the NFL receiving record this year? Every other player in the NFL. Looking forward to the individual hype stories that ESPN has planned for each of them.

** In the fourth quarter of the Dolphins/Jets game, Fox play-by-play announcer Joe Davis laid out the underlying drama of the early slate of games: The Patriots were losing, so if Miami could win the contest. They were headed to the playoffs. If they lost, the Steelers were in. And the Dolphins and Jets were tied at 6-6.

Color commentator Daryl Johnston offered an immediate response: “You just can’t script stuff like this!”

Yes. Yes you can. We all knew the playoff scenarios heading into this weekend. So it would have been very, very easy to write up a script about one of the games being close. Hell, you could script all of them being close. You could have even scripted one of them going into overtime! That probably would have been too much for Johnston’s brain to handle, though.

** The New Jersey Giants broke a five-year playoff drought this season and no one is more excited than their coach, Brian Daboll.

Oh, wait, sorry. I meant everyone is more excited than their coach.

"Really the experience is probably overrated, to be honest with you," Daboll said in response to a question about making the playoffs, during a press conference this week. "[The difference] is how you prepare, how you practice and, ultimately, how you play the game and coach the game on whatever day it is."

Way to rile up the fan base there, coach. Next time why not just throw cold water in the face of every season ticket holder.

The Maryland Commies were the only NFC East team not to make the playoffs this season (still finished at 8-8-1, though), but that disappointment was short lived for local fans of the team. That’s because in recent days the franchise has debuted its new mascot: Major Tuddy, an oversized pig in a WWI -style helmet that the Washingtonian described as having “creepy, slasher-flick vibes” and whose name evokes “touchdowns” and totally not British slang for poop.

Anyways, it’s sure to be great in the long term, which is why the few other teams without mascots should use this opportunity to get one now. Here are some solid ideas:

** Peter Packrat — Long ago, the Packers got their name due to their affiliation with a local meat packing company. But it’s time to update that image. Peter Packrat is a brawny rodent who stuffs footballs into the end zone to help his team win. Bonus that he loses hanging out with the cheeseheads in the stands, for obvious dietary reasons.

** The Jersey Jet — No better way for the Jets to pay tribute to their home state by making it part of their mascot. The Jet has wings for arms, wheels for feet and zooms past opponents into the end zone … unless there’s a delay. If that’s the case, then it just sits still for a few hours, doing nothing and frustrating everyone.

** Ronnie the Raider — Ronnie, a swashbuckling pirate attired in black, embodies everything the Raiders have always been about: daring, excitement, and a flair for the dramatic. He’s also been arrested for theft, human trafficking and manslaughter, so he fits in with the rest of the Raiders’ roster too.

** The Giant Swamp Thing — Jersey’s other football team honors the swamps where its stadium stands by introducing an oversized, grotesque mass of inhumanity. It’s got large teeth, piston-like arms, an intelligible growl when it tries to talk. Basically, it’s like having Michael Strahan on the team again.


Our season of insult anagrams is once again at an end. Yet despite the prayers and well-wishes of good hearts across the globe, the Cowboys season is not. Dallas enters the playoffs for the second consecutive year, looking for their fourth playoff win in the last 25 years (for the record, the Eagles have 14 over that span, including a Super Bowl victory). But it’s important to remember that any time the Cowboys can play extra games, it hurts all of us, regardless of the result. Behold:

Dallas into the postseason again
** No good — Satan sets hate, all is pain

Here’s hoping that pain will be short lived, as it has been so many times in recent years.

** Dad demanded that he get five extra points in our weekly picks standings if he correctly predicted the Maryland Commies would beat the Cowboys. And because I am a fair and generous person, I gave him that. As a result, he … still lost in the yearly totals by 4. In his defense, Dad came into the week down eight and needed me to screw up royally to take the lead. And I didn’t, going 12-4 on the week (Dad did pick all four I got wrong different, though).

For the season, I correctly picked 170 of 271 games, which is a 62.7 percent correct rate, a little worse than the 65 percent I hit last year. However, it was still enough to grab the family prognostication title for the sixth time in the last eight years, and to give me three yearly wins in a row. Since the start of the 2010 season, I’m 8-5 in the annual picks against him. I’m also fairly sure that for the decade before that, I was 0-10. But thankfully those records have been lost.

** In the spirit of trying to start off the new year with positivity, I will note that RB Boston Scott — who is not a competent professional football player — has 414 rushing yds (34 percent of his career total) and 9 rushing TDs (56 percent of his career total) in eight games against the Giants (13 percent of his career appearances). So, he can stay on the team, but they can only use him in games against New Jersey.

** The Buccaneers won the NFC South last week, extending QB Tom Brady’s personal streak of 15 straight playoff appearances. However, their loss on Sunday to the Falcons also sealed an 8-9 record for the season, the first time in Brady’s career his team has had a losing season. So, I think it’s safe to say that Brady is now, officially, a loser.

Week 18 standings

The official end-of-year Awesome Cup standings — and the latest name to be engraved onto Awesome Cup — will be unveiled on Tuesday night.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 17 recap

Week 17 standings

Awesome Cup standings

Um … I dunno?

NFL officials announced Tuesday that due to the serious injury to Bills S Damar Hamlin on Monday night, the scheduled Buffalo/Cincinnati game will not be played this week and will instead be … well, they don’t know. And since this was the fantasy playoffs week for many leagues, and the Bills and Bengals have some of the best fantasy players in all of football, the game’s postponement means … well, we don’t know that either.

Obviously, none of this is the primary concern right now. Hamlin suffered a cardiac arrest after making a tackle and is still in critical condition. The teams and league really can’t do much until they are confident he and his family are getting everything they need. And that’s the right call.

So, for now, all the standings and whatnot have to wait. I truly have no idea what the NFL can do next, both to address the competitive balance in the AFC (the #1 seed was on the line in the game) and the $15 billion fantasy industry linked to the outcome (yes, you read that right. Billion). But, they are problems that can be settled later.

For now, for distraction, I’m just gonna roll out the other jokes I already had queued up, and hope that things are back to normal next week with Hamlin back on the road to a full recovery.

With the Eagles sloppy loss to the Saints, on Sunday, here is the worst-case scenario for the how week 18 could play out for the best team in the NFC:

** The Eagles, in need of a win to secure a first-round bye, announce that QB Jalen Hurts will be their starter against the New Jersey Giants at home on Sunday.

** The Giants, wanting revenge on the Eagles for throwing a game three years ago that kept them from winning the NFC East, play all of their starters and beat the Eagles.

** The Dallas Cowboys beat the Maryland Commies and win the NFC East and get a first-round bye.

** During the Giants game, Hurts hurts his shoulder again, knocking him out for the playoffs.

** The Eagles travel to Tampa for their first-round playoff game. During the game, AJ Brown’s ankle is injured by a cheap shot from a Tampa cornerback.

** In response, Devonta Smith gets in a fight with the Tampa secondary, is ejected from the game. On his way out of the stadium he is pulled into the crowd and eaten by the barbaric Florida fans.

** In response to that, Hurts dives into the stands to help Smith but has his arm ripped off.

** As a fan throws Hurts’ severed arm back on the field, it lands near Tom Brady. The Eagles are penalized 15 yards for roughing the passer.

** The Eagles lose in embarrassing fashion to Brady and the Buccaneers for the second year in a row.

** In grief, owner Jeffery Lurie disbands the team and sells all franchise records to the Cowboys for $15. The NFL officially declares that Brian Dawkins played his entire career for the Cowboys and that Dallas won the 2017 Super Bowl.

So, all the panic about what could happen next Sunday is totally justified. There’s a lot riding on the game.

QB: Tom Brady, 43.68 pts — started by Paul
WR: Mike Evans, 36.80 pts — started by Sam
RB: Austin Ekeler, 28.80 pts — started by Mom
TE: Dalton Schultz, 19.23 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 24.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Marshon Lattimore, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Lattimore is the one who intercepted that last pass from Garner Minshew and took it to the end zone for the game-clinching score, so that’s great.

Pretty rough crop of top performers to look at all around. Brady — who was the 15th ranked QB on the season coming into the weekend — threw for more than 430 yds and three TDs in the Bucs’ division-clinching win over the Panthers. Evans was the main reason for that: 10 catches for 207 yds and all three of those scores.

We’ve got another Dallas player up there at the TE spot. And I know the Cardinals aren’t in the NFC East anymore, and Prater is just a kicker, but it still feels like an attack on the Eagles whenever that franchise succeeds.

“Names you know but you can’t remember why” edition

3rd place: Darius Slayton, -0.07 pts — on Mike’s bench
2nd place: Nate Sudfeld, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: CJ Beathard, -0.84 pts — on the wire

The New Jersey Giants made the playoffs with their win last weekend, and I’ll bet you can’t name two wide receivers on their team right now. I’ll even spot you Slayton, who had two catches for 14 yds and a fumble on a punt. Go ahead, name one other. Sterling Shepard? Nope, he’s on IR. WanDale Robinson? On IR too. Kenny Golladay? Hasn’t been on the field since before Thanksgiving. Kadarius Toney? Traded to the Chiefs earlier this year. Including Slayton, the team doesn’t have a wideout with a catch in the last month who was drafted earlier than the very late fifth round. And yet, here we are.

Sudfeld, the former Eagles QB, is now the backup in Detroit and just barely missed the worst performers list a month ago. He grabbed his chance this week, though, with -3 rushing yds on three kneel-downs to end the game.

Beathard has actually started 12 games in his six-year career, all with the 49ers. He hasn’t had a start in three years and now plays for Doug Pederson’s Jaguars, and threw an interception on one of his eight pass attempts in mop-up work on Sunday. On the plus side, he is the brother of country music singer Tucker Beathard and grandson of former NFL exec Bobby Beathard, so I think he’ll end up OK.


** After Sunday’s upset loss to the Browns, Maryland Commies coach Ron Rivera was asked how his team would approach week 18 if they were eliminated from postseason contention due to other game results later in the day. Rivera’s response:

“We can be eliminated today?”

NFL teams are multi-million-dollar businesses. Outside groups have estimated the Commies have about 500 employees on staff, including the players. Are you telling me that not one of them can jump on the ESPN playoff machine website and tell the coach what he needs to stay in postseason contention each week? Hell, you can probably get some local bloggers to do it for free.

Rivera later delivered a statement to the media saying that he didn’t know the team could be eliminated from the playoffs because “he thought they would win and only focused on what would happen if they won.” Which is a nice way of saying “I don’t know how to do simple math because football is hard.”

** Ahead of Sunday’s Packers/Vikings game, Green Bay CB Jaire Alexander called star Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson overrated and called his previous success against the Packers “a fluke.” The local Minnesota blog “Viking Age” called the comments “an embarrassment” and threw down this threat:

“Has Alexander been paying attention at all to what Jefferson has been doing out on the field this year? It certainly doesn’t sound like it. It’s not like Minnesota‘s star receiver needs any extra motivation heading into Sunday’s showdown in Lambeau Field. But whatever, now if Jefferson goes off against the Packers, they can all blame Alexander for everything.”

And Jefferson responded to the slight by posting … one catch for 15 yds in a 41-17 loss. Blame Alexander, I guess. He sure stepped in it with that trash talk.

At the conclusion of the Duke’s Mayo Bowl last week, the winning coach — Maryland’s Mike Locksley — celebrated the victory by agreeing to get drenched in mayonnaise (the company made a $10,000 donation to charity in his name for the stunt). It’s literally the only reason to watch that bowl game each year, but it is a compelling and disgusting grabber, and should inspire other bowl committees to think about better traditions for their own games. Here are a few ideas connected to real bowls that were played this year: .

** The Cheeze-It Bowl — Instead of overtime, the teams have an eating contest involving boxes of the crackers. Five minutes, whichever offensive line gets the most down wins. Think of the product placement possibilities.

** The Taxslayer Bowl — Losing coach gets audited on the spot. You want to keep all your secret payments to the mistresses secret, you better win.

** The Tony the Tiger Bowl — The winning team changes its mascot to the Tigers for the next year. All other college football Tigers have to forfeit the name until they win it back. Sorry, Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Princeton, …

** The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl — Free french fries for the winning team. Fans whip potatoes at the losing team.

** The Cricket Bowl — That’s Cricket Wireless, not actual crickets, but who says it can’t be both? At the start of the fourth quarter, swarms of the insects are released in each end zone to make scoring tougher.

** The Bad Boy Mowers Bowl — The winning coach gets lawnmowers dumped on his head. Because.


It has been a full year since we last delved into the world of insult anagram poetry, but thankfully Cowboys rookie linebacker Damone Clark is here to help us correct that absence. Behold:

** Dallas LB Damone Clark

A ballad, droll sack men:
Alarm elk, oddballs can.

All lads, no black dream.
Add blank, lo, all scream.

Olden ball lacks drama
A bold call lends karma.

Damn dorks, a label call.
A larded man blocks all.

Go ahead and check, all the lines work.

But what does it mean? Clark has perhaps the best analysis of the Cowboy’s organization I have ever read. Truly, the “droll sack men” are so soulless the players can scare animals — even the unflappable elk — with their mere presence. The “no black dream” is sarcasm, for we all know every Cowboys player has nothing but the darkest desires. But add just a little blank space to that pitch blackness of their hearts and it leads to their very being screaming from the pain of goodness.

The team’s play in the 1970s was boring and “lacks drama,” but the franchise’s evil bent over the last few decades will eventually lead to their downfall, thanks to karma. So go ahead and damn these dorks, because every year for the last 25 in playoffs, a larded man — aka, the pure heartened defensive linemen of the NFL — have delivered the team’s comeuppance.

Truly, truly inspiring words. It’s a wonder why I don’t do this every week.

** In our weekly picks, Dad is either down seven, eight or nine games on the season, pending whatever happens with the postponed game. Amid all the uncertainty, he should probably just concede for the season. And next year too, just to be safe.

** Just to be clear, whatever the standings are, Mom D is still winning by a lot.

** But seriously, though — The Giants have nothing to play for on Sunday, and they want to get their players some rest before the first-round playoff game, so they’ll be starting all second-stringers. Right? Right?

** One bright spot from that Monday game: After Hamiln’s injury, NFL fans flocked to the website of his holiday toy drive. Hamlin had set a goal of $2,500 for the work. As of Tuesday afternoon, in a show of support for him and his family, the total had topped $4 million.

Here’s hoping there is even more good news to come on his story.