Fantasy league 2020 -- week 3 recap

2020 has been a year of disappointment in nearly every category, but maybe worst of all in sports (yay Lakers playing for an NBA championship again and noted hockey town Tampa Bay getting an NHL title). And Philly sports have been among the most soul crushing.

But this blog is here to help lift your spirits in this time of need, not crumple them up like the knees on an Eagles offensive lineman. So here’s a look at some of the positives so far this year, so we can celebrate achievements instead of focusing on the negatives:

** Nick Foles is back!
OK, not back with the Eagles, but after coming off the bench in the second half and leading the Bears to a come-from behind victory on Sunday, Chicago coach Matt Nagy anointed him the new starter. More Nick Foles in our lives is a good thing, because it always means more shots of the Philly Special.

** The standout of the Phillies season were the fans
They weren’t even allowed in the stadium, and nearly every home game still had a loud, rowdy crowd of fans outside the gates screaming for the red and white. There were chants. There were airhorns. There were boos. There were not wins, but you can’t blame the fans for giving less than 110 percent.

** The Flyers made the second round of the playoffs
The last time that happened, Andy Reid was still coach of the Eagles and TE Zach Ertz had never played an NFL game. So that’s progress. It’s also one more round of playoff wins than anyone else in the city had in the last calendar year.

** The Eagles aren’t 0-3
Since 2000, there have been 12 teams to start out 0-2 and still make the playoffs. Only one of those — the 2018 Texans — went winless in their first three games and still made the postseason. But good news! The Eagles aren’t 0-3, so that stat doesn’t apply. (Nevermind that no one has gone 0-2-1 over that stretch). 

** The Phillies didn't kill anyone

That we know of, at least. Although they did kill my spirits, so...

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 48.00 pts — started by Bob
WR: Tyler Lockett, 29.17 pts — started by Paul
RB: Alvin Kamara, 33.57 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 19.00 pts — on the wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 25.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 31.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Shaquil Barrett, 12.50 pts — started by me

Mahomes just barely inched out Seahawks QB Russell Wilson, who totaled 46.80 pts and had a chance to claim the top fantasy scorer belt for the third week in a row.

Wilson is insane right now. He has 14 TD passes through three games (on pace for 75, the record is 55) and has totaled 130 fantasy pts. Only one other QB has topped 100 pts (Josh Allen, at 113.92) and is worth double all but 15 players in the league. Oh, and his team is 3-0.

The Colts defense had a better offensive day than five offenses did on Sunday: two TDs and a safety, plus three turnovers and two sacks. The team’s defense has totaled 55 pts so far this year, while no other team has topped 40. And yet they still managed to lose to Jacksonville in week 1, because football makes no sense.

“Really bad defenses” edition

3rd place: Jacksonville, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: New Orleans, -5.00 pts — on Paul’s bench

Good call by Paul picking the right defense to start this week. It was a 36-point swing for his team.

Minnesota managed to avoid the worst performers list this week, but sits at -2.00 pts for the year thus far as the Vikings fell to 0-3. They’ve surrendered 102 points through three games, putting them on pace for 544 for the season. The record for the most points surrendered in a 16-game season is 533 by the 1981 Baltimore Colts. With a little work, the Vikings can get there.


** Headline Saturday morning on ESPN.com: No Burrow, no problem? Despite star-studded exodus, LSU is ready to roll

Headline Saturday night on ESPN.com: QB Costello's 623 yards lead Mississippi State past No. 6 LSU, 44-34.

More like “ready to roll over,” right?

** During Thursday Night’s football game, blowhard announcer Joe Buck called out the AWS Next Gen stat of the game, which was “Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick ranks third in tight coverage passes over the last three years, and two of this six TD passes this season (at that point in the game) are the closest coverage touchdowns in the league this year.”

I often hear these Next Gen stats and wonder why I should care, but this is worse than usual. What does a coach do with this? Do his coordinators hear it and say “we should make him throw into tight coverage more!” as a response? Do opposing coaches say “we should cover worse and see if he completes fewer passes” as a strategy? Even as a fan, how is this supposed to help me understand the game better? “Normally I’d think throwing into triple coverage is bad, but I understand why Ryan Fitzpatrick does it!”

At best, this is a stat that tells me the Dolphins pass catchers are bad at getting away from defenders, and Fitzpatrick is good despite that. That’s all. I feel like you could learn that just by watching.

** Pregame fantasy football notes on NFL.com Sunday morning:

Jalen Reagor, WR, PHI: Thumb -- OUT
Impact: J.J. Arcega-Whiteside gets a chance to show what he can do.

I mean, I guess it’s true. He did show what he’s capable of: zero catches for zero yards. 

Who has it worse than the hapless Eagles? Consider these candidates:

** The choking Falcons: Atlanta was anticipating a bounceback season after a disappointing 7-9 campaign in 2019. Instead, they got blown out in their opener and wasted huge second-half leads in back-to-back games. They’ve given up more than 30 points in each contest and face the 3-0 Packers next week. But, hey, the Braves made the playoffs, so that’s a distraction.

** The decimated Broncos: Think Phill has a QB problem? After a pair of passer injuries in the first three weeks, the Broncos will start Brett Rypien at quarterback next week. He’s the ninth QB to start for the team since the start of the 2017 season. And number 10 could be here soon — the team signed Blake Bortles as a backup on Monday.

** The rebuilt Patriots: Their team is 2-1 and looking strong. But they aren’t 3-0, so it qualifies as a complete collapse by entitled Boston logic. Plus, the Celtics only got to the conference finals in basketball. How much longer must this never-ending (two-year) championship drought last?

** The New Jersey Jets: They are the Jets. Enough said.


In the third round of this year’s draft, Dallas selected Neville Gallimore, a defensive tackle from Oklahoma who was expected to add depth to the Cowboys pass rush and provide insurance against injury to their starting rotation.

Oh, and his name has “MORE EVIL” in it, clear as day.

Seriously, people, you don’t need an expert anagrammer like me to see that. I’m honestly not sure why I’m even going through this exercise this week, you don’t need me to see the evil (OR SHOULD I SAY MORE EVIL?) in his name. But, in case you want to see how all the letters come together:

DT Neville Gallimore
** More evil tall dingle
** More evil, ill tangled
** More evil, let lie. Dang.
** More evil and leg lilt
** More evil lad. Telling.
** More evil, all tingled

In summary, yes, Dallas goes out of its way to bring more evil into the league.

** The Texas football team beat Texas Tech 63-56 in an overtime thriller on Saturday.

For the record, The Texas Tech basketball team beat Texas in early February by a score of 62-57.

I don’t really have a point here, other than don’t draft any Big 12 defensive players next spring.
** I went 4-1 against Dad in our weekly picks, boosting me to plus five in our annual showdown. If not for a Texans second-half collapse, I would have swept the week. I wonder if the 0-3 Texans can become the second Texans team to start the season that bad and still make the playoffs...

** Dude plays for the Cowboys and his name is galli-MORE, n-EVIL-le. C’mon. Why is this allowed in civil society again?


Week 3 standings

1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 425.98 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 423.47 pts
3 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 421.05 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 418.12 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 405.42 pts
6 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 392.23 pts
7 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 386.82 pts
8 — Crash Into Reality (Paul), 380.43 pts
9 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 362.78 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 327.62 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 294.60 pts

Bob is in first!?!? Now I know 2020 is completely screwy.

Five teams over 400 pts already, lead by Bob and his Chiefs-heavy squad. Paul actually had the top squad of the week, though, and rocketed up to respectability, if not medal position.

But guess what? Every team topped 100 pts this week, even Dad, whose team name translates from Polish into “don’t punt at the end of overtime, idiot.” That may be a personal best for the league. You all deserve a hand. Go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

But don’t forget to get back here bright and early on Thursday for another exciting match-up featuring … (checks the notes) … the 0-3 Broncos vs. the 0-3 Jets. On a short week. With key injuries to both teams. The NFL! Always bringing you the highest quality product available.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 2 recap

** Bills QB Josh Allen is on pace for 5,832 passing yds (792 through two games), which would surpass the current record of 5,477 yds (set by Drew Brees in 2013). Allen, in his third year, has never thrown for more than 3,100 yds in a season.

** Falcons WR Calvin Ridley is on pace for 1,912 receiving yds (293 through two games), which would be the second most all-time (Calvin Johnson had 1,964 in 2012). Ridley is the second-string wideout on his own team, behind Julio Jones.

** Seahawks QB Russell Wilson is on pace for 72 passing TDs (9 through two games), which would obliterate the current record of 55 (set by Peyton Manning in 2013). Wilson plays the porous Eagles defense in week 11.

** Patriots QB Cam Newton is on pace to score 32 rushing TDs (4 through two games), which would break the current record of 28 (set by LaDanian Tomlinson in 2006). Unlike Tomlinson, Newton is not a running back.

** The team that plays in Maryland is on pace to have zero names this season. The previous record low was one name (held by 31 other squads).

QB: Russell Wilson, 43.42 pts — started by Ant
WR: Calvin Ridley, 22.77 pts — started by Bob
RB: Aaron Jones, 41.33 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Tyler Higbee, 24.10 pts — started by Joel
K: Younghoe Koo, 17.00 pts — started by Paul
DEF: Indianapolis, 20.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Chandon Sullivan, 9.50 pts — on the wire

So, so close…

Another week, another first-place finish for Wilson. He threw five TDs to five different receivers on Sunday night and has now totaled 83.20 fantasy pts in just two games. For comparison, that’s almost three times what Carson Wentz, Daniel Jones or Dwayne Haskins have totaled. And, yes, that is the company that Wentz is in right now.

Jones totaled 236 yards and 3 TDs rushing and receiving on Sunday, also known as a better performance than the entire New Jersey Jets team (277 yds, 1 TD). That comes one week after QB Aaron Rodgers put on his own fantasy show last week, with 38.76 pts. Good thing that Green Bay drafted a new QB and RB with their first two picks this year, because their current ones are really slacking.


“Actual players” edition

3rd place: Benny Snell, -0.77 pts — on my bench
2nd place: Drew Lock, -1.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kirk Cousins, -148 pts — on the wire

Lock got hurt early in the Broncos game, so his miserable state line can be forgiven. Snell looked to be in line for the start Sunday and ended up being a bust instead.

But Cousins? The $96 million passer for the Vikings threw up a truly awful stat line on Sunday, completing 11 passes for 113 yds to his own team, three interceptions for 59 yds to the Colts, and a QB rating of just 15.9. Oh, and he got sacked in the end zone for a safety in each of the last two games.

As I remind you every year, you compiled a QB rating of 39.6 on Sunday by dropping the remote on the floor (0 for 1, 0 yds, 0 TDs, 0 INTs). So congrats, you were more than two times better at being a QB than a man paid $96 million for the job.

No, there is not a check coming for you.


** NFL.com story Monday morning: Is Aaron Rodgers a lock to win MVP?

Sadly, the story was longer than it needed to be. Because “no” would have summed up the entire situation.

** Wentz, after Sunday’s loss, where the Eagles fumbled on the first possession and gave up at least 35 points for the four time in the last 14 games: “Don't panic; we'll be OK. I've always had all the confidence in the world in our defense. We're not panicking."

Maybe you should be, dude. Then you’d throw the ball a little faster. 

 
** The Associated Press announced earlier this month that starting with this week, teams that have not played any games would no longer be included in the top 25 rankings. That means that Big Ten and Pac 10 teams whose conferences may start later this fall will be omitted for now, and only teams currently active will be listed as the best in the nation. Here’s a quick look at the current rankings:

1 — Clemson, 2-0
2 — Alabama, 0-0
3 — Oklahoma, 1-0
4 — Georgia, 0-0
5 — Florida, 0-0
6 — LSU, 0-0

Oh, did I say currently active? I meant “currently active or in the SEC, where we’ll rank them as the best whether or not they play.” Bama, Georgia, Florida and LSU are all scheduled to stay playing next week, which I guess is the same as “already having played several games” and very different from “going to play in a few more weeks.” Makes sense.

A remarkable number of NFL stars saw their 2020 seasons cut short on Sunday, due to injuries. All-world RB Christian McCafferty is expected to miss at least a month. The 49ers lost QB Jimmy Garapolo, DE Nick Bosa, and RB Raheem Mostert in the same game. Pro Bowl WRs Michael Thomas, DaVante Adams, and Chris Godwin missed all or parts of this weekend’s action. Giants RB Saquon Barkley was declared dead after a leg injury, as was the Eagles entire offensive line and their playoff hopes. 

But who is to blame for the sudden spate of carnage on the field? While the usual talking heads are pointing to the shortened offseason and the lack of pre-season games, here are some more likely suspects:

** COVID-20: It’s the sequel to 2019, but instead of the respiratory system, it targets athletes' knees.

** Lonely turf: Without anyone running on it all summer, the grass on football fields has grown feral and angry, looking to reassert itself on the feet of those who abandoned it.

** Face masks: I hear they cause dizziness and injuries. And socialism.

** Bill Belechick: Would you really be surprised if you found out he’s spiking opponents’ drinks with bone dissolver?

** 2020 itself: It has ruined everything else, why not football too?


The hero/villain of the week for the Cowboys was their kicker, Greg Zuerlein, who spun a perfect onsides kick to give the Dallas squad the ball with a minute left in Sunday’s game, then kicked the game-winning field goal moments later. Zuerlein was a star in Los Angeles the last few years but opted to sign with the Texas team in a surprising offseason move. But why would he debase his career and his reputation with that change?

As always, the answer is as clear as the letters in his name.

Dallas Cowboys K Greg Zuerlein
** Alas: sick, ugly zero be led wrong

Not for nothing, “Greg Zuerlein” anagrams perfectly to “luring geezer” but that just seemed too easy.

** Split the picks with Dad this week, so I remain two up on the season-long tally. Why I had faith in the Bengals to win a game, I do not know. I do feel like they’d have a chance this week, though...

** This just in: NCAA announced that Alambama has clinched a spot in the College National Championship game, because fairness.

** For the record, the current stink on Sundays in Philly isn’t exclusive to the Eagles. The big four Philadelphia sports teams are a combined 0-8 over the last four Sundays. That’s two losses from the birds, one from the Flyers and five from the Phillies (including a doubleheader sweep). The Philadelphia Union is 2-0 on Sundays over that stretch, but both their games were away, and also soccer is a European sport and doesn’t count towards American athletic greatness. That’s just science.


Week 2 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 307.22 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 294.51 pts
3 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 279.96 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 268.39 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 261.14 pts
6 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 260.19 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 252.47 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 246.03 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 226.80 pts
10 — Crash Into Reality (Paul), 214.63 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 168.90 pts

Huge week for Jeff, who could have passed 320 pts on the season if he didn’t start a pair of zeros in a WR and D player spots. Even with that, his 176.54-pts week gives him a big early cushion on the rest of the field, who are still sorting out their various IR options.

Joel and Paul won points in the name changing game, but sadly not on the football field. Dad’s team, whose name means “sacked again” in Polish, also continues to struggle, while Ant’s seventh place finish behind Russell Wilson’s 7 billion points so far this season is a head scratcher.

Thursday night’s game is … oh my gawd, I’m going to be sick … Dolphins vs. Jaguars. So made sure you take dramamine or something. Oh, and set your rosters.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 1 recap

The start of the 2020 football season gave Philadelphia fans everything they should have expected from this monstrosity of a year. Here’s a quick recap of the weekend’s lowlights:

** The Eagles were outscored by 10 points and went 0-1 on the day. The Phillies were outscored by 8 runs but went 0-2 on the day.

** The Eagles had more yards lost to sacks on Sunday (62) than they had rushing yards of offense (57).

** Former Eagles WR Nelson Agholor had more receiving TDs (1) than the entire current Eagles WR corps (0).

** With their double-header double loss, the Phillies dropped to 3-9 in seven-inning games and lost their season series against the Marlins, a team that last finished with a winning record in 2009.

** The Eagles blew their biggest lead ever against the rival Maryland Footballers (long known to local fans as the MFers) by scoring the first 17 points of the game and failing to score after that.

** The Maryland team has now scored 27 or more points four times in their last 30 games. Three of those are against the Eagles.

I mean, I guess at least the Cowboys lost…

QB: Russell Wilson, 39.78 pts — started by Ant
WR: Davante Adams, 29.40 pts — started by me
RB: Josh Jacobs, 32.37 pts — started by Mike
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.37 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 12.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Baltimore, 18.00 pts — started by Jeff
D: Janoris Jenkins, 12.50 pts — on the wire 

What a difference a year makes. In 2019, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers was being drafted in the first few rounds of fantasy drafts. I grabbed Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson in the 8th, he turned out to be the #2 scorer at his position on the year. In 2020, Jackson went in the first round and I grabbed Rodgers in the 8th round. He rewarded me with a #2 finish in week 1 (scoring 0.02 less than Wilson) and once again showed the folly of drafting a QB early.

Now, it won’t matter as much this year because stupid Yahoo decided to draft WR Michael Thomas (2.63 pts and an injury in week 1) one spot ahead of Jacobs, who outscored him by an entire Davante Adams this week. But it’s still a nice reminder.

Also, for the record, five different kickers scored 12.00 pts this week, but ain’t no one got time to care about which middling kicker was best.

“Bad starts” edition

2nd place: (tie) Atlanta, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Carolina, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Minnesota, -6.00 pts — started by Ant 

Shed a little tear for the poor Vikings defense, owned in 83 percent of fantasy leagues and owners of the worst possible fantasy score in our league in their first week of work. The purple turnstyles surrendered 41 points, registered no sacks or turnovers, and offered no real resistance to their division rivals in Green Bay. On the positive side … it’s lovely in Minnesota this time of year.

Baltimore 5th-string RB Patrick Ricard took the lead for the worst fantasy performance of 2020 among skill players on Sunday, registering -1.40 pts on two touches (a 9-yard catch and a -5-yard rush with a fumble) in Sunday’s win. But with only four RBs and QB Lamar Jackson — the all-time single-season rushing QB — ahead of him on the depth chart, I’m sure he’ll get plenty of chances to fix that this year.


** From the Associated Press: Philadelphia Phillies right-hander Zack Wheeler ripped a fingernail putting on his pants, delaying his next start for two days and perhaps longer.

I mean, what else do you want me to say here? Their $118-million pitcher suffered a serious hand injury putting on pants. The Phillies playoff hopes rely on their #2 starter learning how to work pants. Zack Wheeler can’t figure out how pants work and he’s unquestionably better than 14 other pitchers on the Phillies roster.

This does, however, let me remind you of the worst baseball injury of all time: In 1990, Blue Jays OF Glenallen Hill, amid a nightmare about spiders, lept up from his nap and fell down on a glass table, causing cuts bad enough for him to miss a few games. No word if he was wearing pants at the time.

** Before the season started, ESPN ran 20,000 simulations of all 269 games this season and published the results to show how the season could play out. They went 10-6 in correctly picking the week 1 games. Dad reminded me to do our weekly picks about 10 minutes before the Kansas City game on Thursday night. I went 11-5 in correctly picking week 1 games. 

Don’t get me wrong, it sure seems like ESPN put a lot of work and dedication into this. I just think maybe instead of working harder, they should try working better.

** Yes, the Thursday night game was once again “a Thursday presentation of Sunday night football.” Yes, it’s stupider every single time I hear it.

The first week of football featured the first-ever match-up of two 40-year-old QBs (Bucs QB Tom Brady, 43, and Saints QB Drew Brees, 41) and the game lived up to … the “meh” play you’d expect from two 40-year-old QBs. But fear not, there were a lot of other firsts to celebrate this weekend, including:

** For the first time in 22 years, the NFL season began without any Mannings playing QB in the league. Fortunately, Peyton still had 7,000 Nationwide Insurance commercials played during game breaks, otherwise we might forget who he is.

** Jason Garrett’s debut as the new Giants head coach culminated in a familiar result: The Cowboys lost again (not to the Giants, of course, they lost too.)

** Former Australian Rules Football player Jordan Mailata made his NFL debut on Sunday in the Eagles game. His short series on the field was one of the few times the offensive line did not tumble like a house of cards, so, good for him.

** Multiple teams played their first games ever without fans in the stands. The Bengals and Jaguars were not among them, as they have played in empty stadiums for years.


Another year, another new set of faces to welcome to the Dallas Cowboys roster and ultimately their eternal damnation. This year’s lucky first-round pick for hell is highly-touted wideout CeeDee Lamb, who was rumored to be on Eagles scouts’ radar. Instead, he ends up in the soulless desert of Texas, destined for failure and sadness. But does it have to be this way? Can his skill break the cycle? Will CeeDee bee the one to finally bring honor and respect to the silveer and bluee?

The answers, in order: Yes, no, and c’mon the extra eees are funny. For supporting evidence, see below:

Cowboys Dallas rookie WR CeeDee Lamb
** Crowd, be woe: A bad cookie, a smelly loser

And if you’re still not convinced …

WR CeeDee Lamb
** Mr. Debacle. Wee!

Tough deal. But we wish him nothing but the beeeest.

** At least one part of the football season started right — I went 3-1 against Dad in our weekly picks to take an early two-game lead in our head-to-head match up. If not for my misplaced faith in Carolina, it could have been a sweep. But given my overall lack of success in these predictions, I’ll take what I can get.

** Watching this weekend’s broadcasts, I was confused by the networks’ decision to keep broadcasters at least six-feet apart in the announcing booths. Last time I checked, COVID was contagious among humans, not slobbering, barking dogs. Maybe they’re worried about rabies?

** Due to conference postponements of the fall football season and individual game cancellations because of the pandemic, only 11 of the AP’s top 25 college football teams are scheduled to play this weekend. But sure, the top 25 still makes sense.


Week 1 standings

1 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 146.04 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 132.65 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 130.58 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 127.18 pts
5 — The Mom Football TM (Mom D), 126.48 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 125.66 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 120.64 pts
8 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 119.05 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 116.92 pts
10 — Short Term Optimism (Paul), 99.62 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 71.28 pts

Strong opening week from Ant, despite costing himself 13 pts with the choice of the wrong defense on his bench. My garbage team played better than the trash they are to earn a second-place finish this week, and less than 12 pts separates third place from eighth.

On the other end of the spectrum, Yahoo’s golden pick for the best draft (Dad) couldn’t crack the top two-thirds of the standings, and Paul’s short term optimism may already be gone. But Joel’s squad takes the prize for the worst start of the season, underperforming Yahoo’s projections by more than 47 pts. This could be a rough season if he can’t turn it around right away.

But the season continues regardless. This Sunday’s game played on Thursday night is Bengals versus Browns, so get those rosters ready. Or don’t, because, really, nobody wants to watch that.

Fantasy league 2020 -- preseason predictions

Welcome back to fantasy football. Sadly, most of you have already seen your championship dreams die.

That’s because a solid fantasy draft is the foundation upon which your hopes and dreams rest. Build it right, and your castle walls can rise into the sky. Build it wrong, and you end up a ragged pile of rocks more twisted than Eli Manning’s face after an interception. Or a TD. Or a burp. Dude may be retired, but his face is as dopey as ever.

With that in mind, here’s how your teams will finish this season:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2142.40 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 1696.69 pts, 11th place

You finish last, you get the last-place prediction for the next year. His team looks solid enough — RB Christian McCaffery, TE Travis Kelce, and really that’s enough to dominate — but he’s lacking some heart from this roster. Where is the leadership going to come from? RB Aaron Jones? He may be out of a job by year’s end. WR Will Fuller V? Maybe from Will Fuller III, but not this sequel. RB Mark Ingram II? Maybe from … wait, I already used the sequel joke up, didn’t I? It’s been a long off-season, folks. Cut me some slack here.

The Slaymakers (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1987.36 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1707.45 pts, 10th place

This just feels like a 2016 team to me, not a 2020 team. WR Julio Jones, RB David Johnson, WR, AJ Green, RB Adrian Peterson all feel old and busted. Sure, Ant has rookies like RBs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Jonathan Taylor, but how long will it take them to rise up? K Matt Prater is entering his 16th season, which is 140 in football years. Plus, there’s no Eagles on this team and one Cowboy. Will Ant even root for his own team to succeed?

Short Term Optimism (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2097.35 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1803.00 pts, 9th place

I like the honesty in Paul’s team name, just not necessarily the team itself. QB Carson Wentz is, of course, a natural winner. But pairing him with an injured WR like Deebo Samuel in fantasy seems a little mean, given that Wentz’ entire receiving corps have been corpses for the last year already. Paul has a solid RB crew (Derrick Henry, Kenyan Drake and LeVeon Bell) but nothing in the TE category despite drafting three bodies. Sure, Wentz could make it all work yet again, but that’s putting a lot of pressure on that poor guy.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2003.17 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1835.50 pts, 9th place

This is more out of spite than actual merit, as Sam is the reigning Awesome Cup Champion and again has too many damn Cowboys on his squad (RB Ezekiel Elliot, WR Amari Cooper, DE Satan McBeelzebub). I think Bills QB Josh Allen will be a flop this year and the team also has two stars (QB Ben Rothlisberger and RB Kareen Hunt) accused of violence against women, so there’s really no reason to root for anyone on here. I guess maybe I don’t have a problem with K Zane Gonzalez? Although starting and ending your name with the letter Z is suspicious. Yeah, OK, I hate him too.

The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1965.48 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1887.23 pts, 7th place

I updated my team name this morning to better reflect my draft, which was total trash. On the plus side, I have arguably the two top WRs in the league (Michael Thomas and Davante Adams) and two more top-25 pass catchers in Mike Evans and DK Metcalf. On the other hand, Yahoo decided to draft me two injured RBs (Melvin Gordon and David Montgomery) plus the corpse of Leonard Fournette (who I thought I had on an excluded list) along with a disaster of a bench: a backup QB no one wants (Ryan Tannehill), a backup TE who is dead (Jack Doyle) and a backup kicker because no one ever, ever, ever needs a backup kicker. I’m too good of a coach to end up too far down the rankings, but my first impression is that I truly hate this team.

5th Grade Math (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1948.99 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1888.23 pts, 6th place

Joanna’s squad (which would have been named “Smrter than a 5th grader” if not for Yahoo’s fascist character limits on team names, why won’t the presidential candidates talk about that, huh? Cowards) reunites former teammates QB Deshaun Watson and WR DeAndre Hopkins for the feel-good story of the league season. Her decision to skip RB Saquon Barkley for RB Alvin Kamara may be the feel-bad story of the season, if the Giants lead back ends up returning to MVP form. She also snagged TE Zach Ertz but the lack of other Eagles may make her interest in the team wane. It’s either that or the crushing demands of school at home, one of those two will probably sink her championship chances.

Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2277.76 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2013.13 pts, 5th place

Yahoo gave Dad top marks for his draft for the second year in a row, which means again he has zero chance of winning the league. His team, whose name is Polish for “I’m going to make you have to copy and paste my team name every single week,” includes all-world QB Lamar Jackson (who won’t repeat last year’s success), the remains of former all-world RB Todd Gurley, and three other injured players among his front-line starters. But, hey, Yahoo loves the value of his backup QB and TE, so, great.

We Love the Mud (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2086.25 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2101.10 pts, 4th place

Mom’s team is … good? Bad? Totally unpredictable? QB Matt Ryan and WR Juju Smith-Schuster were incredible two years ago. Could they be again? RBs Dalvin Cook and Miles Sanders will both make the Pro-Bowl, if they don’t get hurt yet again and miss most of the season. WRs DeSean Jackson, Emmanuel Sanders and Brandin Cooks could all be in line for huge years, unless they’re not. If she could have drafted TE Jared Cook, then this team would have had a clear identity (Too Many Cooks, obviously). But now? K Justin Tucker is solid. Let’s just focus on that.

Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2068.57 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2198.01 pts, 3rd place

Bob wins the 2020 award for the best team name (please note, there is no actual award for this) and could win the whole shebang with a good looking squad. His Kansas City stack of QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Tyreek Hill could be worth about 600 pts combined, and his absurdly deep receiving army of WR Odell Beckham, WR Calvin Ridley, TE Mark Andrews and WR Courtland Sutton are enviable. But like my team, Yahoo decided not to provide him with any RBs of worth this year, so we’ll have to see if Bob can invent a rushing attack with a series of backups in Devin Singletary, Damien Williams and Marlon Mack. If he can find one, though, Bob could boo his way into loud cheers. Cheer boos. I feel like that’s something we should have invented already.

Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2012.14 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2223.22 pts, 2nd place

This is a sneaky good looking team. Joel has solid RB starters (Saquon Barkley and Austin Eckler) and sleepers (Zack Moss and Antonio Gibson), a four-deep receiving corps (Allen Robinson, AJ Brown, Cooper Kupp and TY Hilton), plus the Chicago defense and a still-productive QB in Drew Brees. Could he contend for another title? Absolutely. Will he? No, because Joel’s team name shows he is still living in the past, and you can’t win without innovation.

SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2109.32 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2299.97 pts, 1st place

The best way to tank a good team in this league is for me to pick it to win the title, so let’s get to destroying Mike’s armada with hyped expectations. He’s got three great RBs (Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, Chris Carson). He’s got two undervalued WRs (Robert Woods and Marvin Jones Jr.). He has two really good TEs (Darren Waller and Evan Engram), which never works out in this league. He has last year’s #1 defense (New England) and the Cowboys QB (Dak Prescott) in what he hopes will be big repeat fantasy performances. He has QB Tom Brady on his bench, providing leadership. He has RB Kerryon Johnson in case he needs a slightly-warm body to throw in the way of oncoming traffic. All the pieces are there. Can Mike return to glory?

Probably not. But, hey, it’s fun to think about something other than quarantine right now. 

Here's a reminder of what you're playing for: 

Get those rosters set for the season kick-off on Thursday night and good luck to all. You will need it.

Fantasy football 2020 -- draft order announcement

Welcome back everyone to the one event that even a global pandemic can’t force into hibernation (at least not yet): the annual quest for the Awesome Cup. Hard to believe we’re already in the 19th year of this annual campaign, because I don’t look a day over 20 myself. Some of the rest of you, though...

There are a few changes to the draft order announcement this year. First, in the name of safety and responsibility, this year each of our coaches will be represented by a proxy face protector instead of the normal assortment of inanimate objects around my living room. Remember to use your masks every time you set your roster .

Second, in past years we have used the Fort Awesome children as impartial arbiters to pull out the draft order names using our much-beloved modified NBA draft order system. This year, however, they are absolutely not impartial. They keep asking questions like “will you lose if we pick your name now?” and “how angry will Pop be if we pick his name?” and “if everybody knew the Washington football team’s name was offensive, why did they keep using it for years and then get backed into a corner and forced to drop it without a replacement?”

Despite the changes, the stakes remain the same. The names of our top four finishers from 2019 go into the Eagles helmet and our first loser to be selected is …

Pick #11 — Mike

Our third-place finisher from last year gets the lowest possible pick in this year’s contest. His representative at the draft, a Portland Trailblazers all-black “Dame D.O.L.L.A.” mask, lets out a loud (but safely contained) sigh. The children ask how angry Uncle Mike will be and whether we should call and laugh. Instead, we carry on. The next name out is …

Pick #10 — Capt. Awesome

And for the second year in a row, my children cackle with glee that as I end up with the second-worst draft position. There’s a groan from my proxy, a custom-made neck gaiter featuring Gritty and the Philly Phanatic riding Utahraptors into battle, but that’s fine. I nearly won the league drafting out of this spot a year ago. The next name pulled belongs to …

Pick #9 — Pop

The second, third and fourth place finishers from 2019 are all out of the helmet now, with Dad getting no help from his ungrateful grandchildren. His stand-in for the draft, a faceguard made entirely out of state quarters, rattles slightly but offers no other reaction. The children now ask if this means Mom will win. We’re going to need fairer draft volunteers next year. Time to go back to the names, and the next one out is …

Pick #8 — Bob

Bob’s proxy, the Wonder Woman mask that grandmom made for her granddaughter, roars and swirls around in righteous rage. This is the lowest possible draft spot Bob could have ended up with, and the children give a sheepish look after their glee in tearing down the family caught Bob by accident. Then they ask if they can watch a show on their tablets. They cannot. The next name out belongs to …

Pick #7 — Anthony

Anthony lands exactly where he finished last year, and his full-face Eagles underdog mask barks out its resigned approval. The children ask me to make funny voices like Anthony does when he gets wound up. I refuse. They remind me how happy they are they picked my name early. We proceed to the next name …

Pick #6 — Grandmom D

Now the children are upset. They ask if they can put Grandmom’s name back in the hat so she’ll get a better pick. Her proxy, a hand-stitched mask with “my grandkids are perfect” written on it, remarks how sweet her grandkids are. The slip with her name remains out of the helmet. We carry on to the next one …

Pick #5 — Paul

Paul’s representative, a Philadelphia Union scarf with two eye holes cut out of the middle, twirls around the room screaming “goooooooooooaaaallll” even though he actually fell a spot in the draft order. No worries, he’ll get his footballs and futeballs straight soon enough. The final name is in the helmet now, and the almost-bronze place award goes to…

Pick #4 — Sam

Finally! Our champion from last year managed to sneak seven spots up to the fourth-best pick, giving him an unfair advantage heading into this year. His stand-in, a plush Kirby doll turned into a grotesque face mask, puffs up in glee. The children ask if the tablets are charged yet. They will not be getting any dinner. The next name out belongs to …

Pick #3 — Joel

Our last-place finisher from last year gets a third-place draft order finish, reminding everyone again why it doesn’t pay to give up on the end of the fantasy football season. His proxy, a mask with a picture of a mask wearing a mask on it, collapses into existential confusion. As the time-space continuum, begins to slowly dissolve around us, the children grasp for the next name and out comes …

Pick #2 — Joanna

After having tuned out several picks ago, the children now scramble to figure out if they just hurt or helped Mom’s draft chances. Joanna’s draft representative, a handmade mask with “Iverson was better than Jordan” across the front, tells them they will get dinner tonight. I correct her and say that’s still in doubt.

Just a single name left in the helmet now, so congratulations goes to …

Pick #1 — Jeff

Jeff’s proxy, an exact replica of Panthers RB Christian McCaffery’ helmet, wins the right to draft McCaffery first overall in this year’s draft. He celebrates by running out of the room, splitting two defenders and plowing into the end zone for a TD, somehow giving Jeff a seven-point lead before the season starts. The children ask whether there are any minutes left for a show before bedtime. They are dismissed.

That’s it, folks. Get your draft sheets ready. I’ve looked and they are as bad as ever this year. You have until Saturday night to get Leonard Fournette and Darius Guice and A.J. Feeley out of your pre-draft rankings, and we should have teams ready to go sometime early on Sunday. And don’t forget to get some good new team names, or else the terrorists win.