Fantasy league 2018 -- week 17 recap

 

Recapping Nick Foles’ December:

** Dec. 9: Foles sits on the sidelines as the Eagles lose to the Cowboys in overtime. At the end of the weekend, the Eagles have less than an 14 percent chance of making the playoffs.

** Dec. 16: Foles spurs the Eagles to an upset win of the Rams in Los Angeles, despite throwing only one TD pass. The Eagles chances of making the playoffs jumps to 36 percent.

** Dec. 23: Two days before Christmas, Foles sets the new Eagles single-game mark for passing yards (471) in a last-minute victory over the Texans. The team’s odds of making the playoffs rises to 48 percent.

** Dec. 30, 7 p.m.: Foles ties the NFL record for consecutive completions in a game (25) in the Eagles blowout win over the Maryland Racial Slurs. But the team’s odds of making the playoffs slides to 20 percent as the Vikings sit one win away from the post-season.

** Dec. 30, 7:30 p.m.: Foles uses his magic to victimize the people of Minnesota for the third time this calendar year, and the Vikings lose to the Bears. The Eagles chances of making the playoffs rise to 100 percent.

Look, you’d probably call that a good month, but realistically it’s at most his third-best month of 2018. January and February were still sweeter. Now let’s see what he does in 2019…

Top QBs of the year
3rd place: Ben Roethlisberger, 409.89 pts — 13th QB drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Matt Ryan, 424.79 pts — 12th QB drafted (me)
1st place: Patrick Mahomes, 517.08 pts — 16th QB drafted (Ant)

And yet again I ask: Why do we draft QBs early? The #4 QB on the year, Andrew Luck, was drafted between Mahomes and Roethlisberger. Mahomes ended up with 50 TDs and 5,000-plus yards passing and was the fourth backup QB drafted in our league. Meanwhile, only four of the first 10 QBs drafted ended up in the top 10 at the end of the year. Remember this for next season, folks. Grab those other skill positions first.

Top WRs of the year
3rd place: Davante Adams, 228.40 pts — 7th WR drafted (Jo)
2nd place: Antonio Brown, 229.97 pts — 1st WR drafted (Paul)
1st place: Tyreek Hill, 245.96 pts — 11th WR drafted (Sam)

Don’t let that draft spot for Hill fool you — 10 of the top 11 fantasy receivers on the year were drafted in the first four rounds. Three receivers had more yards on the year than Hill, and both Adams and Brown had more receiving TDs than him. But Hill had 213 return yards and 151 rushing yards to go along with his catching duties, so he gets the top billing here.

Top RBs of the year
3rd place: Christian McCaffrey, 306.10 pts — 13th RB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Saquon Barkley, 316.77 pts — 6th RB drafted (Joel)
1st place: Todd Gurley, 323.77 pts — 1st RB drafted (Bob)

No surprise on Gurley — even though he missed the final two games of the season, he still came out ahead of the pack, living up to his billing as the top pick. The league’s rushing leader, Ezekiel Elliott, ended up left off this list, which is fine by me. And the #6 fantasy RB on the year was undrafted Steelers backup James Conner, who ended up getting all the LeVeon Bell work for the season and destroyed a lot of teams from day one.

Top TEs of the year
3rd place: George Kittle, 169.80 pts — 12th TE drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Zach Ertz, 183.53 pts — 3rd TE drafted (Jim)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 199.57 pts — 2nd TE drafted (Jo)

Ertz finished the season with 116 catches, good enough for 17th on the all-time NFL single-season chart. But Kelce ended up with 170 more yds and two more TDs, barely edging out Ertz for top fantasy honors at his position. Rob Gronkowski, the ever hyped top fantasy TE pick, ended up 12th.

Top Ks of the year
3rd place: Wil Lutz, 152.50 pts — 6th K drafted (Ant)
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Dad)
1st place: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 170.50 pts — undrafted

Not only was Fairbairn undrafted, he still isn’t on anyone’s roster. So if you need a kicker for the playoffs … Meanwhile, Dad’s decision to grab Tucker as the first K in the draft kind of paid off, but Tucker went in the 6th round, four rounds before any other kicker (including Lutz). That means Dad got eight extra pts out of Tucker instead of snagging WR Brandin Cooks, WR Robert Woods, TE Kittle and a host of other top performers still on the board.

Top DEFs of the year
3rd place: Houston, 154.00 pts — 6th DEF drafted (Sam)
2nd place: LA Rams, 159.00 pts — 4th DEF drafted (me)
1st place: Chicago, 200.00 pts — 11th DEF drafted (Jim)

Not a bad performance, all things considered. Dad’s gamble to take the Jacksonville defense in the 5th round turned out to be a disaster, but none of the top defenses went unclaimed for long. For the record, the worst defense on the year was Oakland, which averaged just over 2 pts per week, and totaled 166 pts less than the Bears.

Top Ds of the year
3rd place: Aaron Donald, 74.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Cory Littleton, 85.50 pts — undrafted
1st place: Darius Leonard, 89.50 pts — undrafted

We came so close to finally drafting one of the top defensive players on the year — Houston DE JJ Watt (who I took in the 10th round) was in fourth place, three pts behind Donald. But close only counts in horseshoes and thermonuclear war.


“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Rod Streater, -1.10 pts — on the wire
4th place: Kaelin Clay, -1.20 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Geno Smith, -1.48 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Riley McCarron, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Lauletta, -2.20 pts — on the wire

A whopping 11 fantasy players finished in negative territory this season, a total that could be a record but honestly I’m not even sure how to look that up and it’s late in the year and I’m tired. But Lauletta, Eli Manning’s backup, grabs the title for the worst overall stat line for the year: One rushing attempt for -2 yds, one pass attempt, no completions, one interception. Congrats to him: If he had simply never walked on the field, he would have had more value for his team than when he tried to play.

** The latest Allstate commercial shows a man stealing a team flag to smash the window of a car to steal the vehicle while taunting the owner via a security camera. While all this happens, small print across the bottom reads “Demonstration: Do not attempt.”

What part exactly are they saying not to attempt? Stealing a car? Narrating the crime on video? Damaging the car before stealing it? Because I hadn’t thought about doing any of that until you suggested it.

** Along the same lines, Geico now has a commercial about their past commercials where they encourage people to go online and vote for their favorite commercial and don’t mention insurance at all. Because Geico is a commercial company, not an insurance one.

** During the Miami/Buffalo game, with the Bills leading 14-0 in the first quarter, CBS announcer Steve Beuerlein announced that “This is where (Dolphins QB) Ryan Tannehill really has to step up.”

Quick question — why? The Dolphins were already eliminated from the playoffs. The Bills were already eliminated from the playoffs. The game was meaningless and already out of hand. Why did Tannehill need to perform there? At best, he needed to step up five weeks ago.

FYI, on that series Tannehill threw an interception and the Bills won 42-17. It was all because Tannehill didn’t step up.

We’re just one day past the end of the NFL regular season and there have already been eight coaches fired. That’s leadership turnover at a full quarter of the franchises in the league. And we may not be done. Consider these other likely moves:

** Cowboys coach Jason Garrett: Sure, his job looked safe two weeks ago when the Cowboys won the NFC East, but when Dallas loses at home to the Seahawks and watches the Eagles get into the second-round of the playoffs a day later, it’ll be tough for owner Jerry Jones to keep the underachieving coach around.

** Patriots coach Bill Belichick: There’s no chance he gets fired, but when QB Tom Brady’s arm falls off in the third quarter of their opening playoff game, Belichick will realize that he has no backup plans beyond his 10-year juicing of Brady’s body and footballs. He’ll announce his retirement the next day, and within 10 months have all of his victories stripped from the record book for cheating.

** Eagles coach Doug Pederson: How could he possibly leave after his big Super Bowl win last year? Easy. After Pederson wins his second Super Bowl — again with his backup QB — football fans everywhere will demand he be removed in the interest of fairness. In the interest of helping the game, Pederson will take over Roger Goodell’s job, instituting much needed reforms to improve the game. Nick Foles will take over as Eagles coach/backup QB.

** Bills coach Sean McDermott: Seriously, can you be sure he wasn’t already fired? Maybe the Bills fired him, rehired him, then fired him again since you started reading this. But would you even notice?


Sunday’s Cowboys game mattered little, as the wretched Texas team had already clinched the division title a week before. The team has been talking up the possibility of a long post-season run, which would be a change from their 20-year streak of not getting out of the second round. But they have been playing their best football of the season recently. Should all the good hearted fans of America be worried that Dallas could prevail?

Nah. Just trust the anagram:

Dallas players enter the playoffs hopeful
** Setup fear, pander hype, yet fools shall fall

Oh, dear insult anagram. How we will go another eight months without your wisdom?


** As expected, Dad handily beat me in the weekly picks, finishing the year with a double-digit margin of victory. That breaks a three-season streak of yearly victories by me, and gives Dad bragging rights through next summer. For the year, he picked games at a 62-percent correct rate, better than most TV pundits. What I’m saying is, as more social media networks expand their sports offerings, it’s time to give Dad a show already.

** Alabama vs. Clemson in the national title game. Again. So exciting. Maybe next year we could skip every other game and then let both these fan bases just go sort it out somewhere out of sight.

** I just double checked, and the NFL is still going to allow the Eagles into the playoffs. Unbelievable.

Week 17 standings

The official final week standings — and the crowning of the latest Awesome Cup Champion — will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 16 recap

What famous NFL personalities are asking for this Christmas:

** Odell Beckham: A real QB to throw to him.
** Philip Rivers: A city that cares whether he wins or not.
** Jerry Jones: A soul … to eat.
** Roger Goodell: More blind vagrants to use as referees.
** Andy Reid: Just a few more timeouts.
** Drew Brees: An MVP award, so everyone can stop already.
** Carson Wentz: A Nick Foles jersey.

 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 46.88 pts — started by Jim
WR: Antonio Brown, 31.33 pts — started by Paul
RB: Chris Carson, 23.60 pts — started by Joel
TE: Zach Ertz, 25.33 pts — started by Jim
K: Dustin Hopkins, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 21.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
D: Jaylon Smith, 11.50 pts — on the wire

I know what the fantasy rules say, but we all know Nick Foles had the best week of any player. He totaled 471 passing yards (a new Eagles single game record) and four passing TDs (the most of any player this week) in his second consecutive win for the birds. He also breathed new life into the Eagles playoff hopes, inspired a city, healed the sick, drove out demons, and had one rushing yard.

Pretty much a typical Sunday for him.


“Playoff hopeful players” edition

3rd place: Rod Smith, -0.70 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Stevan Ridley, -1.60 pts — on the wire
1st place: Taysom Hill, -2.00 pts — on the wire

We had a remarkable six position players in negative figures this week, including three backup QBs (the Saints’ Hill, Patriots QB Brian Hoyer and Rams QB Sean Mannion) and Ridley, the Steelers RB making his second appearance on this list his year. In a season where Pittsburgh seems to be able to turn unknown RBs into fantasy gold, Ridley remains a reliable worthless rock.

For the record, the worst player on the week was the Chiefs’ pathetic defense, which scored -3.00 pts in their crushing loss to the Seahawks. But that’s no worry, defense doesn’t tend to play a bigger role once the playoffs roll around.

** In the second quarter of the Eagles game sunday, when referee John Parry opted not to throw a flag when Texans DE Jadaveon Clowney downed Foles by his facemask, Foles screamed at Parry. After the game, he told reporters that he was sorry for the outburst. “I was a little upset and I shouldn't do that, but I was fired up a little bit.”

No, Nick. You absolutely should do that. In a game marred by awful refereeing, that was the worst missed call of the day. Foles is lucky he didn’t suffer serious injury, and the ref was 10 feet away staring right at the play. Absolutely no excuse. If anything, Foles should have yelled more.

** Headline on ESPN this week: “Panthers’ McCaffrey sets NFL mark, beats Dad.”

Just when you thought the news couldn’t be bleaker for the league, now we have to deal with a player beating up his own father. Just terrible.

** Saints coach Sean Payton, asked what his plans are for the regular season finale next week against the Panthers — a game that means nothing for either team in terms of playoff seeding — said “we're going to approach this game just like we would any regular-season game.”

In other news, Payton is either a liar or an idiot. This game has no meaning. His team is the #1 seed in the NFC. If he doesn’t rest all of his starters, he should be fired on the spot.

Eagles TE Zach Ertz broke the single season reception record for his position this week with his 111th catch of the season, and finished the game with 113. If he manages to pick up seven more next Sunday, he’ll join a group of less than a dozen NFL players (all wide receivers) who recorded at least 120 catches in a single year. To put those numbers in perspective:

** If you stacked 113 footballs on top of each other, they would fall down, because they are oval shaped and do not stack well.

** If you stacked 113 catchers on top of each other, they would also fall over, and you would be charged with assault.

** If you stacked 113 Zach Ertzes on top of each other, you would also be jailed, because human cloning is both against the law and morally questionable.

** If you combined 113 Zach Ertzes into a single, super football player, you would create one Nick Foles.

First-year WR Michael Gallup caught the game-winning TD in Sunday’s victory for the Cowboys, officially clinching the NFC East title for them. The rookie has had an uneven year but also seen some success of late. But more importantly, he has found a way to truly embody the Dallas spirit during his short stint there. Not surprising, considering what his name spells out:

Cowboys rookie wideout Michael Gallup
** Be good to all? Like a wild coach, me wails: "Up yours"

Great Christmas spirit in that guy.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so I enter the final week of the season down 11. Is getting that margin within single digits a moral victory? Maybe. But we don’t play for moral victories around here. I look forward to reporting to you next week how I went 12-0 against Dad ad stunned him with my amazing come from behind triumph.

** So we need to root for the Cardinals to keep it close against the Rams so the Bears still have a reason to play hard against the Vikings who we need to lose for the Eagles to sneak into the playoffs. Go Cards.

** Army won the Armed Forces Bowl 70-14 behind 500-plus rushing yards and I don’t even have a joke here. Just, wow.

Week 16 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 2134.38 pts
2 — Drinkin da Foles-Aid (Paul), 2111.41 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 2005.75 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 1948.63 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1946.91 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1915.26 pts
7 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1846.05 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1783.33 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1715.98 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1689.34 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1654.84 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1484.62 pts

This is exciting. A mere 23 pts separates Ant and Paul for the Awesome Cup title. If Ant falters, or if Paul overachieves in the most meaningless week of fantasy football, an entire season of work could be lost. How will it end? Who will reign supreme? Can you handle the tension?!?

Probably, because the rest of you have already lost. I’m too far back in third for anything but a miracle hail mary, and Jo and Sam aren’t even in the stadium for that last gasp pass. In fact, except for those two, everyone is probably locked into their current spot, making for a bit of a dud for a final weekend.

But the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs, and Paul and Ant’s battle makes for enough drama to tune back in. Get those rosters set one last time before your New Year’s Eve prep and enjoy the last two recaps of the season next week.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 15 recap

 

Facts about Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles, who lead the Eagles to an upset win on Sunday night:

** He is 12-2 in his last 14 starts for the Eagles and 27-7 in games for Philadelphia in the last five years.

** He only has one TD pass this year but two wins.

** He had a 4-7 record as a starter for the Rams, but is 3-0 as a starter against the Rams.

** When asked how the Eagles closed out the win on Sunday, he answered “The way you win games in the 4th quarter is you love each other.”

** He may or may not be a wizard or another type of practitioner of the dark arts.

** He is still the reigning Super Bowl MVP.

Not bad for a guy who no teams wanted to sign 18 months ago and nobody wanted to trade for after he won the Super Bowl.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 29.04 pts — started by me
WR: Mike Williams, 30.47 pts — started by Sam
RB: Derrick Henry, 29.04 pts — started by Ant
TE: Jaylen Samuels, 17.20 pts — started by Dad
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 24.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Minkah Fitzpatrick, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Pretty weak week all around. None of the QBs who played on Sunday afternoon threw for more than 300 yds. Henry was the top RB again this week, but he only had half the TDs of last week. Robert Foster was the #5 WR on the week and I had never heard of him before a minute ago.

On the plus side, Matt Ryan’s big week has brought him to within 100 pts of Pat Mahomes, who is going to end the season as the top fantasy scorer. The distance between Mahomes and Ryan is the same as the distance between Ryan and the number #17 spot, Christian McCaffrey.


“LA edition” edition

2nd place: (tie) Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Bob
2nd place: (tie) Rams, -1.00 pts — started by me
1st place: JoJo Natson Jr., -1.54 pts — on the wire

Natson is the wideout who muffed the final punt of the Eagles/Rams contest, giving the birds a chance to miss a long field goal and create extra drama at the end of the game. Still, it killed off a lot of time, so that all worked out.

Even after taking a drubbing at the hands of Nick Foles, the Rams are still the #2 fantasy defense in all of football. So, that’s something.


** The Washington Post’s fantasy football column on Sunday recommended needy owners take a chance on Broncos WR DaeSean Hamilton. “The opportunity is there this weekend against a Browns secondary that has struggled all season.”

And they were right: Hamilton had seven catches for 46 yds for a respectable 7.07 fantasy pts. Of course, that happened on Saturday night, hours before the Post column came out in print. It’s a lot easier to make predictions when the games are already finished. FYI, I’d recommend drafting Todd Gurley in fantasy this year, he’s gonna have a really good first 15 weeks.

** I know the Patriots loss to the Steelers looked bad on Sunday. But every time someone utters the phrase “is it time to start worrying about the Patriots?” (as Mike Tirico did at halftime on Sunday night) another devil gets his pitchfork, and Bill Belichick’s heart grows three sizes smaller.

** Speaking of Tirico, his explanation for why there were no 300-yard passers on Sunday afternoon? “It’s cold weather time.”

Just a reminder that the NFL is a national sport. Among the games on Sunday were ones in San Francisco (60+ degrees), Jacksonville (60+ degrees), Minnesota (in a dome), Indianapolis (in a dome), and Atlanta (in a dome). But, yes those 10 QBs were probably all thwarted by the cold.

Typically around this time of year I make up a bunch of fake bowl games, but I realized that the titles of actual games this year are ridiculous enough. You just have to move the quotation marks around a little.

** The Air Force “Reserve Celebration” Bowl — All fans are encouraged not to cheer until after the game.

** The D “XL Frisco” Bowl — Come watch a football game that reminds you everything is fatter in Texas.

** The “Famous Idaho” Potato Bowl — Is Idaho famous? Can anyone name two cities from the state? Bonus points, I would believe the potato bowl is a thing that dates back to the 40s.

** The Lockheed “Martin Armed” Forces Bowl — Given that this is another bowl game in Texas, we should not be surprised Martin is carrying a gun.

** The San Diego County “Credit Union Holiday” Bowl — All fans attending the game should wear appropriate season attire to celebrate the magic of credit unions.

** The Northwestern “Mutual Rose” Bowl — Both teams fight over a single rose, before deciding the best option is to share the flower.


Admittingly, I probably went overboard with my criticism of the Cowboys last week, given that they are leading the NFC East. After all, you don’t lead any NFL division without being somewhat good, right? I mean, they probably didn’t just get a good run in because they had three consecutive home games against faltering opponents. I’m sure once they face better competition they’ll rise to the challenge and … oh, they lost 23-0 in Indianapolis?

Huh, I wonder what that spells out...

Dallas Cowboys shut out by Colts in shocking defeat
** Santa’s best: I told you flighty scab cons would choke

I did tell you…

** I gained one in my picks against Dad this week, and now sit 11 back of him for the year. I’m actually only down two to him over the last six weeks, but those first nine weeks I averaged a lost game a week. So if we started over in the middle of the season … well, I’d still be losing. But it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

** If you told me at the start of the season that by Dec. 20 the Browns would still have a chance at making the playoffs, I probably would have assumed the West Coast was going to fall into the ocean sometime around Halloween. Remember, they fired their coach a month ago.

** If the Eagles lose on Sunday and the Vikings win, then Philly is out of the playoffs. But if they don’t ...

Week 15 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 2025.19 pts
2 — Drinkin da Foles-Aid (Paul), 1972.72 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1862.85 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1843.13 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 1825.14 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1784.98 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1691.87 pts
8 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1689.27 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1581.65 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1562.03 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1550.67 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1416.17 pts

Ant’s team becomes the first to break the 2,000-pts mark this year, but his lead over Paul shrunk just a little bit. That 53-point margin is within reason for the final two weeks of the season.

Meanwhile, the battle for third has three teams within 40 pts, and Jim and Mom D are separated by less than 3 pts in the seventh spot. Much like the NFL playoff picture, nothing is decided yet, folks.

Good news, no more Thursday games this year! Bad news, there are two Saturday games, and just a single Sunday night and Monday night game each left in the regular season. Don’t forget to get all your Titans in the lineup by early Saturday afternoon.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 14 recap

Quick quiz — what do the following 12 NFL teams have in common?
** Broncos, Colts, Eagles, Falcons, Giants, Packers, Panthers, Patriots, Rams, Ravens, Seahawks, Steelers

If you guessed “they were all smart enough not to sign Mark Sanchez this year”, well, you are correct. But more to the point, this is the full list of teams that have played in at least two Super Bowls in the last 20 years. (The Panthers are the only squad on here not to win one).

Now, a follow up question: what do the following seven NFL teams have in common?
** Bills, Bengals, Browns, Cowboys, Lions, Chiefs, Maryland Racial Slurs

That would be the full list of teams that have won two or fewer playoff games over the last two decades. It’s worth noting that the Houston Texas, who have only been in existence for 16 years, already have three playoff wins over that span.

Just wanted to give a friendly reminder to all as we wind towards the inevitable “Cowboys back on top of football” headlines that Dallas (2-8 in the playoffs since 1997) hasn’t been a relevant franchise for the NFL since Ezekiel Elliott was in diapers. Congrats on winning a weak division. See you on the golf course in mid-January, instead of your usual first week in January.

QB: Tom Brady, 32.62 pts — started by Mike
WR: Amari Cooper, 37.47 pts — started by Joel
RB: Derrick Henry, 47.80 pts — on Ant’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 23.50 pts — started by Paul
K: Michael Badgley, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 27.00 pts — started by Jim
D:Bashaud Breeland, 11.00 pts — on the wire

In all honesty, I have never heard of Michael Badgley before this moment.

The big question this week was how did Ant fail to start Derrick Henry in the biggest fantasy performance of the year (238 rushing yards, 4 TDs)? The answer is because Derrick Henry stinks. His game last Thursday represents one-third of his rushing yds for the season (712), one-third of his fantasy pts for the year (135.72) and almost half of his TDs for the season (9). So, yeah, that one was difficult to see coming.


“Awful QBs” edition

3rd place: Jared Goff, -0.30 pts — on Jim’s bench
2nd place: Kyle Lauletta, -2.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mark Sanchez, -2.48 pts — on the wire

Dear gawd. Lauletta threw a pick in mop up work, so he is forgiven. Goff threw four INTs in prime time against a great Bears defense, and will have nightmares about that as we head into the playoffs.

But Mark Sanchez? He outshined the competition, as usual. He posted a dreadful 10.7 QB rating after his 6 of 14, 38 yds and 2 INTs performance in the Giants’ blowout win over the Maryland Racial Slurs. Not only did you have a better QB rating than him on Sunday (0 of 1, no yds equals a 39.6 rating), his QB rating was twice as high if you calculate him as playing for the Giants (2 of 14, 27 yds, 1 TD and 4 INTs equals a 23.8 rating).

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a truly awful game.

** Headline in Bleacher Report this week: “Heisman Trophy Cements Kyler Murray as Greatest 2-Sport Athlete Since Bo Jackson.” A few things ...

1 — Bo Jackson played 694 games in MLB and 38 in the NFL. Murray has played zero MLB games and zero NFL games.

2 — Deion Sanders played most of his games in the two sports after Bo Jackson. So you’re saying that Murray, who again has played zero games in either professional league, is already better than Sanders, the only person ever to play in a World Series and a Super Bowl.

3 — Charlie Ward won the 1993 Heisman trophy (that’s after Jackson, again) and then played 10 years in the NBA. But maybe Bleacher Report doesn’t believe basketball is a sport?

4 — I understand Murray has had a great collegiate football and baseball career, and the Heisman trophy sets him apart from a lot of other great college athletes. You know who else played baseball and football in college? Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. So you’re saying that Murray is already a greater athlete than Wilson.

But other than that, good headline.

** At halftime of the Eagles/Cowboys game, during their halftime yakfest, Fox flashed up a “breaking news” banner across the bottom of the screen followed by this announcement: “Saints defeat Buccaneers 28-14 to clinch NFC South.”

I get that the “breaking news” banner is overused by all networks, and a game result from two hours earlier can kind of count as new information for a football crowd. But, less than 90 seconds earlier, they showed game highlights from that matchup. Which is the point of the halftime show. So unless you’re prepared to label every highlight “breaking news,” there’s no point for that banner.

** On the Tony Kornheiser podcast, ESPN walking head Michael Wilbon rated the Bears 15-6 win over the Rams on Sunday (the one where Goff threw those four picks) as “one of the greatest games in Chicago history since 1985” because “Chicago loves defense … we don’t enjoy these 54 to 51 games.”

Correction: Everyone loves 54-51 games. Even in basketball. Watching a combined seven interceptions isn’t great football, it’s a complete mess.

Things that can’t be true but are:

** Tom Brady is 7-10 lifetime in games played in Miami. The Dolphins have only had six winning seasons since Brady entered the league.

** With three weeks left in the season, 16 players have already passed 1,000 receiving yards. Last year, only 15 did it for the entire season. In 2016, it was 25 players.

** The Arizona Cardinals have nearly 600 more punting yds on the season (3739) than offensive yds (3151). They’re also only 29 pts away from being doubled up on the season (178 pts scored, 327 pts allowed).

** Drew Brees, who has five of the league’s eight all-time highest single season passing totals, may not finish in the top 10 of passing yds this year (currently 10th, three yards ahead of 11th place).

** The Niners, Cardinals, Bills, Jets and Jaguars have been eliminated from playoff contention. Somehow the 4-9 Falcons have not. The Eagles still have a 10 percent chance of a wild card berth.


The Eagles embarrassing overtime loss to the Cowboys all but seals up the division title for the bad guys, a disappointing result after last year’s remarkable Philly football season. But, given that the inevitable will probably happen next week, we might as well roll the anagram dice and mentally prepare ourselves for the pain and torment:

Dallas Cowboys win pathetic NFC East race
** Fans wince: Bad play, tactic hole, the worst case

I thought about doing an anagram for “Dallas post-season success” but amazingly that hasn’t spelled anything coherent in about 20 years...
** Another week, another dropped game to Dad. I’m 12 back on the year and will be lucky to close that to double digits before the regular season runs out.

** So, hey … the Phillies are looking kind of exciting...

Week 14 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1912.09 pts
2 — Carson's Chime Choir (Paul), 1843.73 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1748.71 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1738.49 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 1692.74 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1682.20 pts
7 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1605.84 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1604.41 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1475.01 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1471.68 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1441.82 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1351.29 pts

Only one change in the standings this week: Bob and Dad swapped spot. Never has the race for 9th place been so hard fought.

Ant picked up a few more points on Paul and me this week, while my squad and Joanna’s team both continued to slip further back from our mid-season highes. Six teams have realistic shots at topping the 2000-pts mark by the end of the year, which may be a league record, but I’m not gonna bother to check until we get closer to the end.

And if we all benched our rosters but let Jeff play for three more weeks, he likely would not make it into the top half of the standings.

We finally made it! This week marks the final Thursday night game of the season. After that, the only mid-week football will be ridiculous bowl games. So get your rosters set now so you can bid Joe Buck’s Thursday ramblings a proper farewell.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 13 recap

In honor of the significance of today, here’s a look at some of the greatest football figures of all-time born on Dec. 4:

** QB Frank Reich, born 1961 — The journeyman QB lead the largest comeback in NFL history when he led the Bills to a 41-38 overtime win after trailing 35-3 in the third quarter. But his most important NFL work was as offensive coordinator for the 2017 Super Bowl champion Eagles.

** QB Jeff Blake, born 1970 — A Pro-Bowl QB with the Bengals in the mid-1990s, Blake appeared in three games with the 2004 Eagles and managed more turnovers (two) than TDs (one). But he did score a Super Bowl trip with that team.

** LB Ted Johnson, born 1972 — The nine-year Patriots tackler ended his career with three Super Bowl rings, including one he earned snagging four tackles against that 2004 Eagles team.

** T Joe Thomas, born 1984 — The 10-time Pro Bowl lineman for the Browns is a likely first-ballot Hall of Famer. He played 10,363 consecutive snaps during his career, setting a record that is unlikely ever to be matched.

** LB Skip Vanderbundt, born 1946 — Started 100 games for the 49ers, the most ever for a defensive player whose name sounds like a holiday dessert.

** SS Montae Nicholson, born 1995 — The only current NFL player who was born on this date, he was active for the Maryland Racial Slurs game against the Eagles last night. Happy birthday, buddy! Sorry about the game.

 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 41.00 pts — started by Ant
WR: Keenan Allen, 24.87 pts — started by Sam
RB: Todd Gurley, 28.90 pts — started by Bob
TE: Travis Kelce, 27.20 pts — on Jo’s bench
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Jacksonville, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Bobby Wagner, 19.00 pts — started by Joel

Again, so close … at least we owned most of the right players this week.

If Travis Kelce (the top fantasy TE) was a wideout, he’d be the fifth-highest scoring WR in the league right now. Not bad for a position that has been a complete mess this year. After 12 weeks, only five TE’s have topped 100 pts on the season, and only one more (Austin Hooper, 90.67 pts) has a realistic chance at joining that club next week. The #7 TE, OJ Howard, is out for the season with an injury, and the #8 TE, Trey Burton, still hasn’t broken 80 pts.

Of course, we haven’t had more than nine TEs hit that 100-pts plateau each of the last two years, so maybe being a TE just kind of stinks for fantasy.


“Just ugh” edition

3rd place: DeAndre Washington, -1.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -3.00 pts — on the wire

We’ve got our first appearance by a position player on here in a while. Washington rushed three times for a whopping 7 yds and had a fumble in a game where Oakland scored a lot of points and could have used some more RB help.

For the record, Racial Slurs’ third-string QB Mark Sanchez managed 3.30 pts in Monday night’s game. I really have no idea how.

** I get that both of Georgia’s losses this year were to the #1 team in the nation, but arguing they should have been one of the final four teams in the college football playoff (with that #1 team) undermines the entire “every game counts” nonsense the NCAA is peddling.

They’ve lost twice to Alabama, so they deserve a third shot to beat them! Really, the only way to determine the best team out of 120 collegiate programs is to pick two and have them play five or six times...

** Front cover of Sport Illustrated this week: “It’s time to rethink Drew Brees — please stop calling him an underdog.”

Great headline … for 2006, when Brees was coming off an arm injury and was seen as a questionable pick as the new Saints field general. Since then he has made 10 Pro-Bowls, thrown for more than 5,000 yds in four seasons, and won a Super Bowl. Not exactly underdog material there.

Oh and he is also the favorite in Vegas to win the league MVP award this year. But don’t let that fool you into thinking he’s a bad player…

The Eagles and the Cowboys play Sunday in a matchup that will likely determine the winner of the NFC East. Here’s a look at the omens heading into the game:

** The Eagles are 4-1 against the Cowboys in AT&T Stadium. Their only loss came in an overtime contest in October 2016.

** Since 2000, the Eagles are 9-3 in December games against the Cowboys. They’re 12-6 in away games played in Dallas over that same stretch.

** The Eagles and Cowboys have never played on December 9 before. The day after the game, however, the Eagles will celebrate the 23rd anniversary of the infamous “they stopped him again!” contest where the green D stuffed Emmitt Smith on fourth and one twice in a row.

** Cowboys QB Dak Prescott has never beaten the Eagles twice in the same season. He won in Philadelphia earlier this year.

Remember, you can’t spell Dallas without spelling “all sad.” And you can’t spell Cowboys without spelling “cosy bow.” And you can’t spell Nick Foles without spelling “Super Bowl MVP has more playoff wins than the Cowboys over the last 21 years.”

Speaking of spelling things with Cowboys letters…

Dallas is still one of the few teams in the NFL to employ a fullback on their squad, a throwback to the days of old-time smashmouth football. And their fullback is a throwback to the old-time days of fire and brimstone. Consider what his name spells out:

Cowboys Fullback Jamize Olawale
** We foul boozy jackals bawl malice

“Boozy jackals” is a lot more fun than the “sad cows” I usually come up with.

** A glimmer of hope: I swept Dad in our picks this week, picking up four and jumping to a mere 11 down for the season. So we’re back in the Wentz zone. Maybe that’s a good time the second time around?

** Remember when getting into the Rose Bowl mattered?

** This Saturday, when you sit down to watch the Army-Navy game, please remember that it’s one of the best traditions in all of sports and also some of the toughest football to watch in any venue. Over/under for passes in the game is seven.

Week 13 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1779.73 pts
2 — Tackleball 4EVAH! (Paul), 1719.22 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1648.62 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1632.51 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 1590.31 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1515.63 pts
7 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1510.17 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1506.07 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1413.44 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1368.92 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1352.86 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1265.86 pts

Mostly status quo this week, at least at the top of the standings. Paul and Ant pulled away from the pack with two solid weeks, while Jo and I combined for only about 30 points more than Paul. Jim and Bob crept up, Mom D and Dad fell back. And with four weeks left in the season, Jeff’s path to victory is not looking good.

Thursday night game is the Jaguars and Titans, a contest that has playoff implications. Terrible, terrible playoff implications, but implications nonetheless.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 12 recap

Following Sunday’s big win by the Eagles over the Giants, longtime Philly radio legend Merrill Reese called Eagles K Jake Elliott “Giant Killer” for his clutch last-minute field goal against the New Jersey squad. Some may consider that hyperbole, but consider his career stats on the topic so far:

** 38 points in four games against the Giants.
** Two last-minute game winning field goals, one of 61 yards (team record).
** 13 of 25 touchbacks on kickoffs in those four games.
** Crushed 18 giant slurpees over the course of the season.
** Refused to shop at his neighborhood Giant grocery store, contributing to its bankruptcy.
** As a child, did not cry while watching “The Iron Giant.”
** During Sunday’s game, went back in time and killed Andre the Giant.

Given those facts, it feels like a pretty fair assessment.

 

QB: Baker Mayfield, 33.92 pts — on the wire

WR: Amari Cooper, 28.00 pts — started by Joel
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 37.47 pts — started by Paul
TE: Eric Ebron, 18.00 pts — started by Paul
K: Chris Boswell, 12.08 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Baltimore, 19.00 pts — started by Mom
D: Matt Judon, 9.50 pts — on the wire

Unusual to have an RB as the top points scorer across the board, but McCaffery’s stat line (125 rushing, 11 catches, 112 receiving, 2 TDs) bested all the QBs this week. Too bad all those numbers didn’t come with a needed win for the Panthers.

Props to K Chris Bowsell, who earned more than half of his pts with a 2-yd TD pass in the Steelers loss to the Broncos. He’s the fourth non-QB (and the first kicker) this year to throw a TD pass in a game, tying him for 44th in the league with last year’s Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles. One more and he can tie former Eagles QB Sam Bradford.


“Please make it stop” edition

3rd place:Carolina, -1.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
2nd place: Mike Gesicki, -1.17 pts — on the wire
1st place: Cincinnati, -6.00 pts — started by me.

Dear gawd. I hate defenses so much.

After last week’s defense debacle by my team, I dumped the Titans and grabbed the Bengals as a safe alternative to another bottom-feeding week. Great call by me. The Bengals gave up 35 pts to the Browns and recorded no sacks or turnovers. Over the last four weeks, my defenses have totaled -15.00 pts. No wonder I’m not in first place anymore.

** ESPN has been advertising the college football “playoff” selection show next Sunday all week, with the tag line “every second counts.”

I mean, not every second counts. The Army/Navy game won’t be played until a week after the show airs, so those seconds don’t count. I’m pretty sure the Maryland/Indiana game a few weeks back didn’t really matter. And the committee is going to keep an undefeated University of Central Florida team out of the playoff for the second straight year, so their seconds and that second doesn’t really count. But other than that, sure.

** Headline on ESPN.com this week: “Stephen Curry not hurt in multicar accident.”
Other news they missed: Curry not hurt in bear attack, Curry not hurt in baby swarm, Curry not hurt in asteroid crash. I checked, he wasn’t involved in any of those.
Maybe next time go for “Curry unhurt in multicar accident” or “Curry involved in multicar accident but not hurt” to make it clear that an accident happened. Words have meaning, kids.

** We got a new all-time leader in sacks on Thanksgiving this week. I’m not going to tell you who, because it’s an incredibly stupid stat since only two teams play every year on that holiday, so it’s basically a record confined to 6 percent of NFL franchises. But, the all-time NFL leader for win percentage on Christmas Day is the Eagles, at 2-0, which is a totally legitimate stat.

Saturday’s disastrous 74-72 win by Texas A&M over LSU in seven overtimes showed exactly why the NFL’s overtime rules are superior in every way to collegiate rules. Consider:

** The game took four hours and 53 minutes to complete. That’s a full hour longer than the single overtime Steelers/Browns game from earlier this season which featured six fewer overtimes and 104 fewer points. Wouldn’t you rather have 71 percent less excitement but an extra hour in your day?

** The seven overtimes allowed the two teams to compile ridiculous stat lines, including a whopping 1,017 combined yards of total offense. Such inflated numbers would make the NFL a joke. To protect the integrity of league statistics, you need realistic numbers, like the 1,001 combined yards in the Rams/Chiefs game last week.

** Saturday’s game ended well after midnight, meaning much of the East Coast missed the finale of the classic contest. The NFL, which always ends it’s Monday night games before 11 pm and never starts games at odd times like 9am, simply would not deprive its fans of easily accessing games.

** The college rules are confusing. Each team starts on the 25? Why? Teams have to go for two after touchdowns after the third OT? Who can keep track of that? That’s why the NFL rules are better: The first team to score wins as long as that score is a TD or a safety or a field goal if the other team also doesn’t score a FG but if they do the next field goal wins. Also the period is 10 minutes instead of 15 now, because. (Also these rules don’t apply in the playoffs).

** The seven overtime game was fun, and there is no fun allowed in the NFL.


Marqueston Huff came into the NFL four years ago with the Titans but ended up suspended for part of the 2016 season due to violations of the league’s substance abuse policy. So, naturally, as soon as he was cut by Tennessee, the Cowboys were interested. After all, you don’t develop a cancerous culture of corruption by just picking up decent players. But how can you be sure he really fits with the Cowboys way? Consider how the letters in his name define him as a man:

Wyoming alum/Dallas safety Marqueston Huff
** Fluffy moron mandates glum. He always quits.

I could have easily made “drugs” out of the letters there, but that seemed too cheap and unfair to … wait, why didn’t I do that? Hold on, let me try again:

Wyoming alum/Dallas safety Marqueston Huff
** Quote: Yo, mama, fan my flashes. I want full drugs.

That feels more right. Just like a Dallas player getting high off drugs, you might say.

** I dropped two more games to Dad to fall 15 behind him in the weekly picks and honestly I have no idea anymore. I’m actually picking games at a 53 percent correct rate, but Dad is almost at a 63 percent correct rate, so meh.

** Delaware made the FCS playoffs! I had forgotten that the NCAA expanded the field from 16 to 24 teams, giving the Blue Hens one of the last spots in the only real college football tournament around. Great achievement by the team.

Oh and they lost right away so they’re out so nevermind.

** Aw, man, Ron Hextall is gone too? Can he at least stay and play goalie?

Week 12 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1637.40 pts
2 — 6 Mo. to Draftsgvng! (Paul), 1574.54 pts
3 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1555.91 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 1494.28 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1485.89 pts
6 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1437.54 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1424.67 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1422.88 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1278.27 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1266.39 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1230.25 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1184.89 pts

Forget about the top of the standings — what’s happening in the cellar? Mike is out of last place for the first time since week 1! Granted, he is still 344 pts out of first place and likely has a ceiling of about 8th, but that’s the kind of late season fight we like to see out of our teams. You may not win, but nobody wants to be the guy at the bottom.

Speaking of not winning, I slipped down another spot while Anthony continues to strengthen his grip atop the standings. But don’t sleep on Paul’s team, which has made up about 100 pts on Ant’s squad over the last four weeks. If that trend holds, then … I’ll have to do more math soon and figure out what it means.

We’re still not done with Thursday games yet, folks. Get those rosters set right away, and remember that you don’t have to worry about the Eagles game until Monday night.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 11 recap

 

Things to be thankful for as Philadelphia fans this Thanksgiving:

** The Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.
** The Phillies and the Sixers appear to be on the upswing.
** The Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.
** The Giants added a Pro-Bowl RB in the draft, and it may have set their franchise back years because they didn’t select a QB.
** The Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.
** Sidney Crosby is one year closer to retirement.
** The Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.
** Gritty will delight your dreams and haunt your nightmares, so that’s fun.
** The Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.
** No matter how bad the current Eagles’ season goes, the Eagles won the Super Bowl this year.

 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 47.92 pts — started by Ant
WR: Tyreek Hill, 31.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Saquon Barkley, 33.87 pts — started by Joel
TE: Travis Kelce, 19.47 pts — started by Jo
K: Matt Bryant, 17.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: LA Rams, 19.00 pts — on my bench
D: Samson Ebukam, 19.50 pts — on the wire

Only five of the top seven performers on the week came from that Monday night Chiefs/Rams game (and the #2 TE, WB and D as well). But that happens when you have the third-highest scoring game in NFL history. Special congrats to Kansas City’s Andy Reid for becoming the first coach in league history to lose a game where his team scored more than 50 pts.

Also, I hate defenses this year. Two weeks ago the Rams gave up 45 pts and were worth -4 in the fantasy tally. This week, they give up 45 more pts to the Chiefs offense and end up 23 higher in fantasy scoring. Because, football.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Wendell Smallwood, -0.40 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place (tie): Philadelphia, -6.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place (tie): Tennessee, -6.00 pts — started by me

Did I mention I hate defenses this year?

Honestly, I don’t remember Smallwood even touching the ball on Sunday. Then again, I blacked out most of the game from my memory ...

But, in the interest of fairness, I must note that Carson Wentz’s performance on Sunday (the worst of his career) equated to a 31.9 passer rating (19 for 33 with 156 yds and 3 INTs). That was about 8 points worse than your passer rating on Sunday evening, (0 for 1 with no yds, TDs or INTs equals a 39.5 rating). So, good work by you, I guess.

** The NFL Red Zone channel, which is awesome in every way except for this one mistake they made, noted that the Houston Texans with victory on Sunday would tie the longest win streak in team history since 1970. They should have noted it was the longest win streak since 1492, since the team didn’t exist before 2002.

And, yes, they may have been referencing the Houston Oilers, who left town in 1996 and later became the Titans. But the Titans still claim that Oiler franchise history, and Houston was a new expansion team. If we’re sharing team history now, then all of those Steeler Super Bowls trophies belong in Philadelphia because the two teams shared a roster in 1943.

** Headline in the Washington Post last week: “Babe Ruth is finally awarded Medal of Freedom. Family and fans wonder, ‘What the heck took so long?’”

Ah, yes. Finally someone is recognizing the greatness of Babe Ruth. Before last week, most of the public had never heard of the guy. But now that he posthumously received this award, which wasn’t given to any civilians until 1963 (15 years after he died and 28 years after his baseball career), maybe he’ll get some public attention for his little-known contributions to American sports.

** NFL.com has a seven-minute video on QB Tom Brady about to break the 1,000-yd rushing mark for his career.

For perspective, that would put him at … honestly, I have no idea. I can’t find any stat lists that go down that low. He’s not in the top 50 career rushing yds among active players. If he makes 1,000 this season, he’ll be 3,928 behind Randall Cunningham, the all-time leader in rushing yds among QBs.

But, yeah, please give us more Brady fawning. There’s not enough of that in the NFL today.

Here’s how the 2-8 Oakland Raiders can still make the playoffs:

** Oakland wins its last six games to finish 8-8, 7-5 in the AFC.
** Miami goes 2-4 over its last six, finishes 7-9.
** Indianapolis goes 2-4 over its last six, finishes 7-9.
** Baltimore goes 2-4 over its last six, finishes 7-9.
** Tennessee goes 3-3 over its last six, finishes 8-8, 6-6 in the AFC.
** Cincinnati goes 3-3 over its last six, finishes 8-8, 6-6 in the AFC.
** Denver goes 3-3 over its last six, finishes 7-9.
** Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo and the New Jersey Jets don’t win more than four games each.

Oakland would then claim the #6 playoff spot based on tiebreakers. The Raiders and Bengals play in week 15, so obviously that gives Oakland a huge chance to make this a reality if they can just hold on for another month.


How do you describe a player like Cowboys Defensive Tackle Caraun Reid, a Princeton grad who has already played for five teams in three years (including being cut and resigned by the Cowboys this season)? Some would call him obsessed with staying in the league. Others would just make fun of his name:

DT Caraun Reid
** A trained crud

Honestly, that would be enough right there. But I’ve got more:

DT Caraun Reid
** Turd radiance
** A rerun addict
** Urinated card
** A red, acrid nut
** Iran cat udder

I’m fairly sure that “Iran cat udder” is a really racist term against some group, but I can’t figure out who, so we’ll keep it in there for laughs.

** I’m down 13 games to Dad in our weekly picks with just six weeks left to go. If I can just pick up two games every week from here on out … I will be shocked.

** You know, if the Eagles win 5 of their next six, they could end up … nevermind, nevermind.

** Your periodic DC high school football update: In the Washington Catholic Athletic Conference title game this week, Dematha Catholic led 36-33 with 39 seconds left. Here’s what happened next:

— 15 yd TD pass by Gonzaga. Zags 40, DeMatha 36, 29 seconds left.
— 80 yd kickoff return TD by Dematha. Zags 40, DeMatha 43, 15 seconds left.
— Touchback. 25 yd pass by Gonzaga. Zags 40, DeMatha 43, 4 seconds left.
— 55 yd Hail Mary TD by Gonzaga. Zags 46, DeMatha 43. Game over.

If you need proof … 

Week 11 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1503.72 pts
2 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1460.27 pts
3 — Spell It L-A-U-B.... (Paul), 1424.28 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 1380.70 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1373.00 pts
6 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 1342.57 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1292.14 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 1264.04 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 1179.39 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1167.71 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1100.56 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1082.45 pts

DOWN GOES THE DEFENDING CHAMP! (for now)

Another bad week by me and another stellar week by Ant puts him atop the standings. I wonder if swapping out the highest scoring defense for the lowest scoring one hurt my team...

Anthony didn’t just grab first place, he raced ahead by more than 40 pts. Unfortunately for him, Mahomes is on a bye this week, so he’ll have to find his fantasy bonanza somewhere else for at least one week.

Paul and Jo remain right in the thick of the action, while the Jim-Mom-Joel tier remains just out of respectable reach. And, after that, Mike is still in the league.

Two teams on a bye and six teams playing on Thursday. Don’t forget to set your roster before you loosen your belt for the turkey.