2009 fantasy recap, week #9

Questions taken from the actual entrance exam Andy Reid passed at the start of this year, to see if he was smart enough to retain his job:

Your team is trailing 21-14 in the waning minutes of a crucial division game. You have no timeouts left and face a 4th and 10 at your own 43-yard line. What do you do?

Kick a FG, making it 21-17	Kick a FG, making it 21-21
Call a QB sneak	Call a timeout

Your team has the ball at midfield with no timeouts and just 20 seconds left on the first-half clock. You need to pick up 20 yards for a realistic FG chance. What do you do?

Call a FB screen pass in the center	Call a QB sneak
Call a FB screen pass on the left	Call a timeout

It’s the first play of the game against the worst-rated run defense in the league. Your QB may have suffered a rib injury in the opening warm up, and is throwing up on the sideline. What do you do?

Call a 15-yard pass play	Call a 50-yard pass play
Call a pass 10 yds behind the line	Call a timeout

It’s overtime, you just used your last timeout and there are only three seconds left in the game. Your offensive coordinator says the only remaining option is a Hail Mary pass. What do you do?

Call a run play	Call a FB swing pass
Kneel and hope for double overtime	Call a timeout

How many seconds are left in the game if the two-minute warning has just sounded?

200 seconds	15 minutes
There’s not another quarter left?!?	Call a timeout

You’re playing scrabble. You can get a triple-word score if you spell out a seven letter word starting with T. In your hand you have two Ts, an M, and the vowels I, E, O and U. What do you do?

Call a swing pass to Mike Vick	Spell out “Toe”
Spell out “Item Out”	Spell out “Swing Pass”

Don’t worry about your score – no matter what you picked, you’re as qualified as Reid to call plays with the game on the line.

QB: Kurt Warner, 40.74 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Michael Turner, 32.03 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, 29.20 pts – started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 27.73 pts – started by NewMike
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 14.50 pts – started by Joel
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Anthony Hargrove, 13.40 pts – sitting on the wire

Everyone who was looking for a last-second fill in defense for this weekend, you lose. The Tampa Bay defense – which, admittedly, no one should have ever considered picking up – was the big winner this week and has been available all season long.

In light of that upset, his my advice for next week: Grab the Rams defense while you can. They’re guaranteed to light it up against the Saints next week.

That big defensive performance by the Tampa Bay Bucs propelled them to their first win of the year, raising their record to an exciting 1-7 on the season. Here’s how they can still win their division title:

** They win their final eight games (which is impossible)
** The Panthers lose three of their final eight (a real possibility)
** The Falcons lose five of their final eight (including two to the Bucs and one to the Panthers)
** The Saints lose seven of their final eight (including two to the Bucs, one to the Rams and one to the DC Racial Slurs);

Then, the Bucs would finish the season 9-7, tied with the Saints but holding the division record tiebreaker. And then they’d be guaranteed a first-round home playoff game.

And then the world would stop spinning on its axis.

3rd place – Brandon Jones, -0.06 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Matt Leinart, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -3.00 pts – started by Neal

Thanks in large part to Chicago’s D, Neal’s six lowest-scoring players combined for –1.33 pts. His six other players scored 78.40 pts, which almost makes it look like a respectable week. Almost.

Highlights from the Andy Reid press conference this week, a veritable smorgasbord of stupid comments:

On why the team couldn’t execute on Sunday: “Maybe they’re trying too hard. That might be it.”
Oh yeah, that’s it. They were definitely trying too hard on all those failed yard-to-go conversions.

On those challenges: "The two missed challenges on my side of things, that was a problem, and whether they were right or wrong they were wrong.”
That’s just not English.

On Mike Vick: “I’m not disappointed. Not at all. He’s handled himself very well.”
Vick has accounted for 33 yards of total offense this year. That’s 17 fewer yards than WR Greg Lewis. I’m not sure how you can spin Vick being 2/3rds the player that Lewis is as a positive.

On his responsibility as coach: “I think it comes down to putting players in the right position to execute. We all get a piece of the pie.”
That’s a flat out lie. When Andy is around, no one else gets any pie. They’re lucky to escape with their limbs intact.

When Cowboys owner Jerry Jones built his new NFL stadium last year, he put in a gigantic high-def scoreboard, oversized cupholders for fat fan’s oversized dinners, even overhead cages for cheerleaders to dance in.

And when he was finished, he gave it a name befitting his monstrous creation, hiding its true purpose by scrambling the letters. Just look:

New Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas
-- Cube is a tin gym, a wanton sex-to-sin world --

I’m not completely sure what that means, but it’s pretty clearly evil. Possibly sexy, but sexy evil, much like a banshee in a mini-skirt (also known as a Cowboys cheerleader).

Your impossible college stats of the weekend:

** Cincinnati QB Zach Collaros – 19 completions, 480 yds, 1 TD
** Texas WR Jordan Shipley – 11 catches, 273 yds, 1 TD
** Missouri WR Danario Alexander – 13 catches, 213 yds, 1 TD
** Georgia Tech RB Jonathan Dwyer – 23 rushes, 195 yds, 1 TD
** Buffalo RB Jeffvon Gill – 23 rushes, 175 yds, 1 TD
** Virginia Tech RB Ryan Williams – 23 rushes, 179 yds, 0 TDs

Look over that list again. Someone explain to me how these six guys could collectively cover more than 1,500 yds – that’s running the length of the football field 15 times – and only manage five scores on the day.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

It’s looking more and more like one-time champ Paul may be the only hope in unseating the newbie. Either way, both of them are starting to pull away from the pack.

** Dad dropped to 10 back in the weekly picks, just nine weeks in. Ouch. Just ouch.

** In their last 10 games decided by four points or less, the Eagles are now 1-8-1. That damn tie is going to haunt all of us forever.

** Great question at trivia tonight – in the four major professional sports leagues (NHL, not MLS, is the fourth) there are nine teams whose names don’t end in “s.” Name them.

I’m not gonna help you. I’ll let that drive you bonkers for another week.