Fantasy football 2025 -- week 11 recap

** The Lions went 0 for 5 on fourth down conversion attempts on Sunday night, the second-worst mark by any team in the last 25 years. The only other team to do worse? That would be the Lions, in 2022.

** The Eagles are the third-best team in the league at stopping fourth downs, with an opponent success rate of just 33% (6 of 18). But most of the conversions have come on the road. In Philly, teams have only had a successful 4th down one time in 8 tries, a success 12.5% rate.

** Sunday was also the Eagles fourth win in a row, and their second four-game winning streak of the season. Over the last four, they have averaged just 14.5 points surrendered on defense.

** The Birds’ own #4? That would be longtime K Jake Elliott, who is 6 for 7 on field goals and 14 for 14 on extra points at home this season. Not bad so far.

** The Eagles have won their last four games played on the 4th of the month, dating all the way back to the Super Bowl win in 2018. Their next game on the 4th? That would be the season finale, against Washington on Jan. 4.

QB: Josh Allen, 48.68 pts — started by Ant
WR: Tetairoa McMillan, 24.67 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Sean Tucker, 31.87 pts — on Bob’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 19.47 pts — started by Mike
K: Will Lutz, 18.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Pittsburgh, 22.00 pts — stated by Joel
D: Myles Garrett, 10.50 pts — started by Jonathan

Aaaaaaaah, so close to getting all of the top performers started. And a tough break for Bob leaving Tucker on the bench, but he did have the #2 RB on the week in his lineup (Christian McCaffrey, 31.27 pts).

One week after RB Jonathan Taylor set the new high for fantasy points by a single player in a single week this season, Bills QB Josh Allen pushes the mark just a little higher. His six-TD performance (three rushing, three passing) could have been even better if not for a pair of interceptions. But sometimes to put up big numbers, you have to risk a few interceptions. Do you hear that, Jalen Hurts?

Garrett, who had five tackles and four sacks on Sunday, has 28.50 fantasy points in his last three games alone. That’s better than all but 50 players total for the season so far. Also, Cleveland has lost all three of those games.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Mac Jones, -0.30 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Mecole Hardman, -0.78 pts — on the wire

Hardman — who caught the game-winning TD for the Chiefs in the Super Bowl just two seasons ago — has managed only 12 catches in the NFL since then. He signed with the Bills last week and managed a fumble on his only punt return of the day to end up in the red for fantasy points.

Jones, the backup 49ers QB, took three kneel downs to end San Francisco’s win. And I would have bet you $100 that Teddy Bridgewater retired five years ago. He is, in fact, playing for Tampa Bay now. The last time I mentioned him in this blog was 2021 … as part of the three worst QBs of the week.

Ravens WR LaJohntay Wester was actually the worst position player of the week (-0.84 pts), but you don’t know him, so that didn’t really work with the subhead. So pretend like I never mentioned him.


** Frustrated Cleveland Browns fans started a “We Want Shedeur” chant in the first half of the team’s game against the Ravens on Sunday. And after starter Dillon Gabriel was injured, they got their wish: QB Shedeur Sanders made his debut in the second half, with the team leading 16-10.

And how did the overhyped rookie do? The team gained 44 yards on 26 plays in the second half and lost 23-16. And Sanders went 4 for 16 for 47 yds with 1 interception, a QB rating of 13.5. For comparison, your QB rating on Sunday (zero completions for zero yds with no turnovers) was 39.58 — almost three times better.

No sure I’d chant to see a QB who is one-third as good at his job than me, but you be you, Cleveland.

** Adidas has a commercial they’ve been running for two months now where QB Trevor Lawrence and WR/DB Travis Hunter hang out, dance to some 80s music and walk onto the field together with the tag line “We all need someone to make us believe.” They played it several times on Sunday … even though Hunter is out for the year with a leg injury and Lawrence is the 27th rated passer in the league.

I wonder if they know the commercial feels like a desperate plea for help now.

** ESPN Chris Berman hosts the “fastest minute of football” each week on Monday night, where he recaps the biggest stories from the league. This week, that 60-second montage included 20 seconds of … the Canadian Football Championship. Sure, that was more important than the Rams/Seahawks game. 

The Saskatchewan Roughriders won, by the way. They came back from a 7-1 deficit at the end of the first quarter. Nope, not a typo. Canadian football is not real football. 

Cardinals QB Jacoby Brissett connected on 47 of 57 pass attempts in his team’s blowout loss to the 49ers on Sunday, setting a new NFL record for the most completions in a game. Brissett is a 10-year journeyman quarterback with modest stats, making him an unlikely title holder for a passing significant mark. Here are some other names of daily random players who have carved out places in the league’s record book:

** Rushing attempts in a game: RB Jamie Morris, 45
— Morris played for three years in the NFL, totaling only 777 rushing yds across 33 games. But in a 1988 loss to the Bengals, he handled the ball on 45 of Washington’s 69 plays, rushing for 152 yards. His longest carry only went for 12 yds.

** Receiving yards in a game: WR Flipper Anderson, 336
— A year after Morris’ record, Anderson had 15 catches for 336 yds and one TD in a Rams victory over the Saints. Anderson was a solid player — he had two 1,000+ yds seasons in 10 years in the league — but never made a Pro Bowl.

** Touchdown passes in a game: QB Joe Kapp, 7
— Eight players have done this (Including the immortal Nick Foles), but Kapp may be the most random. He played five non-consecutive years in the NFL and seven in the Canadian Football league, but put on a masterpiece of passing in 1969 in a Minnesota Vikings win over the Baltimore Colts. He only had 12 more TD passes in the other 12 games he played that year.

** Tackles in a game: LB David Harris, 20
— The Jets linebacker had an 11-year NFL career and was named second-team all Pro in 2009. But two years earlier, as a rookie, he dropped Washington players 20 times in a 23-20 overtime loss. Harris had five times as many tackles that day as his team had wins for the season — they finished 4-12.


The Cowboys spent a late-round draft pick to snag linebacker Logan Wilson from the Bengals earlier this month. Beat reporters wrote that the reason behind the acquisition was an attempt to shore up the interior defense of the team. But, in reality, the opportunity to add him to the roster for his cultural contributions was too great to pass up. Just look at what the letters in his name rearranged say about him:

LB Logan Wilson
** No balling, slow
** Lo, signal blown
** Gonna blow ills
** An oblong swill
** Wins? No. All glob

Go ahead, look up a picture of him. The first thing I thought when I saw his funny-shaped head was “what an oblong swill that guy is.”

** Went 1-2 against Dad this week, thanks to the Commanders somehow blowing that game in Spain early Sunday morning. That puts Dad down six in our picks for the season. I knew I shouldn’t have gone for two.

** The Bears are in first place in their division. Pretty sure that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse.

** Stolen from social media — Since Oct. 13, the Washington Commanders and Washington Wizards have played 19 games and have a 1-18 record. The Washington Natinals haven’t won during that stretch either...


Week 11 standings

Family Cup standings

House Doyle: 23-10
House Garrity: 19-14
House Quinn: 12-21
House Shane: 11-20-2

With three weeks left in the regular season, Mike, Lexi and Shelly have all but wrapped up their playoff spots. Jonathan — the highest scorer in the league by far — would just barely sneak in as the fifth seed right now, behind Ollie. And despite a 6-5 record tied for 6th place, Grandmom would be out, on account of her low point total.

Pop and Shane still technically have a shot at the postseason, but it would take a Minnesota miracle to happen. Tommy’s team and Emma’s cursed squad will be playing in the consolation round in a few weeks.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,386.22 pts
2 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 1,362.85 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 1,359.83 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 1,294.44 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 1,278.56 pts
6 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 1,162.03 pts
7 — Vert der Ferks (Ant) 1,158.62 pts
8 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,093.44 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,087.66 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,047.20 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 972.86 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 881.55 pts

I managed to leapfrog Pop but lost ground on Jonathan, even though his best player (RB Jonathan Taylor) was on a bye this week. Bob and Mike are still just barely hanging on to the podium stand, while Joanna and Ant are shouting distance away.

Mom D asked if her team’s 57.70 pts performance this week was the worst ever in league history. Bad news, it’s not even bottom five this season. Sam had the worst luck of the year in week 9, when he started three players who scored a combined 0.10 pts and left two others starting despite their byes. The worst ever score in the league came from Joey Awesome, who started all Cowboys reserves for the entire season. It’s like he wasn’t even trying.

Speaking of the Cowboys, it’s Dallas week again. The Eagles play in Dallas at 4:25 p.m., opposite the Browns/Raiders, Jaguars/Cardinals and Falcons/Saints contests. If it’s not the national game, someone should be put in jail.

Bills play on Thursday, and four teams have a bye. Get your rosters set early.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 10 recap

Ahead of the Eagles showdown with the Green Bay this week, news organizations reported this week that the Cowboys trade of DE Micah Parsons to the Packers this summer came with an unusual clause: Green Bay would have to pay a penalty of another first-round draft pick if they trade Parsons to the Eagles in the next two years. 

The “poison pill” provision drew snickers from Philly fans who saw it as confirmation that most Dallas players would eventually rather play for a good Philadelphia team than their current sub-par squad. But few sports writers dug into the other provisions that Dallas tried to include in the contract that were ultimately determined to be unfeasible by the NFL. Here are a few:

— Parsons would have been barred from playing against the Eagles in Monday night’s game, for fear he may defect at halftime.

 
— Parsons would be required to remove the P from his last name, because of potential associations with Philly.

— Green Bay would have to change its uniform colors, so Parsons could not end up wearing any green.

— Philadelphia would have to include a draft pick in the trade between Dallas and Green Bay, just because.

— Green Bay would be required to lose most of its games with Parsons on the roster, copying what Dallas did.

QB: Matthew Stafford, 34.90 pts — started by Pop
WR: Drake London, 17.93 pts — started by Jo
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 47.20 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Trey McBride, 18.97 pts — on Jeff’s bench
K: Jason Myers, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 21.00 pts — started by Pop
D: DeMarcus Lawrence, 17.50 pts — on the wire

Taylor rushed for 244 yds and three TDs (and had 42 more yds receiving) in the Colts overtime win against the Falcons on Sunday. The 47.20 pts are the highest score of any player so far this year, including QBs.

Except for one inexplicable game against the Steelers last week where he scored just 6.30 fantasy pts, Taylor hasn’t scored fewer than 21 in a game since September. For the season, Taylor has totaled 250.73 fantasy pts. For comparison, five RBs scored more than that total in all of 2024. No QBs are at that mark yet this year.

He already has 15 rushing TDs (Barkley, the leader last year, had 16 on the season) and is 219 yds ahead of the next closest RB in the race for the rushing title. In short, you really should have drafted him in the first round.

Shout out to Seattle LB DeMarcus Lawrence, who scored two defensive TDs against the Cardinals. If he were a wideout, he would have been second in scoring for that position for the week. Good Sunday for him, lousy day for pass catchers. 

“Grab bag” edition

3rd place: Ke'Shawn Williams, -1.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Washington, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Second week in a row the mighty Commies defense has been worth -4.00 pts. Since the start of their five-game losing streak, they have surrendered an average of almost 36 pts a game, and their defense has been worth a total of 2.00 fantasy pts. Over the same stretch, Seattle has scored 53.00 fantasy pts, and they had a bye week in there.

Meanwhile, Panthers QB Bryce Young just barely got on the positive side of the ledger, scoring 1.56 fantasy pts thanks to 124 yds passing and an interception in his team’s loss to the Saints. It’s the second straight week that Young has failed to score at least 3.00 fantasy pts. And yet, somehow they beat the Packers in one of those games.


** Don’t get me wrong — I think New Jersey Giants head coach Brian Daboll was terrible at his job.
But I’ve got to think that maybe the front office — who let their Pro Bowl RB walk away, then cut their first-round QB and watched him play at a Pro-Bowl level in Indianapolis this year — deserves some of the blame too. But, hey, if management wants to keep GM Joe Schoen, far be it from me to stop them.

** After a major betting scandal where illegal bets on individual pitches led to the indictment of two players, MLB responded quickly and firmly this week by … announcing they have asked sportsbooks to reduce the amount of money you can bet on individual pitches. Not ban it. Just make it less profitable for illegal gambling purposes.
If the Black Sox scandal happened today, they’d probably issue a sternly worded warning to all teams as a response.

** Ahead of the Eagles game, ESPN showed a commercial where a guy asks Chat GPT for a recipe “that says I love you but plays it cool” and if we’re encouraging people to ask AI for romantic advice now it’s really just time to pack it all up and fade away.

The Eagles so far this year have called 11 run plays on third and 11+ yards to go, a move dubbed “the coward’s draw” by Philly scribes. Since the Eagles offensive coordinator seems to be having trouble understanding down and distance in the NFL, here’s a quick guide to when it's a good idea to run on third and long:

** When your team is up by 24 in the late fourth quarter.
** When your QB went down with a serious injury on second down.
** When your RB is Saquon Barkley (note — this only applies to the 2024 model, not other years).
** When the opposing defense has left the field in protest.
** When you don’t have an all-pro QB and two all-pro wideouts and an all-pro TE and the league doesn’t call pass interference on every third play.
** When you want to lose.

Also, try not to go for it on fourth-and-long in obvious punting situations.

The Cowboys front office gave up a bevy of picks and players last week to land Jets DT Quinnen Williams to help with their defensive woes. At first glance, the move seems to make sense, given how terrible that side of the ball has been this year. But Jets players haven’t been the source of much success in recent years. And when you look at what the letters in the new guy’s name spell out, it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon.

Dallas Cowboys DT Quinnen Williams
** Lad wins? No. Bad money, class. Will quit.

Williams had zero QB sacks and zero QB pressures this week. Sure, the Cowboys were on a bye week, but it’s still a less-than-impressive start.

** Went 2-0 against Dad this week thanks to the furious Texans comeback over the Jaguars. That puts me up a traditional TD (7) in our picks for the year. He’s got to pick up more than one a week for the rest of the season to pull out a victory.

** There’s still a path for the Titans to get that #1 overall seed.

** The Eagles Monday night game was bad, but it still wasn’t as bad as that clunker between the Broncos and Raiders on Thursday.

** There’s a world where the Eagles win their next three, Dallas loses two of their next three and Philadelphia wins the NFC East before Dec. 1. It’s ridiculous, but honestly not all that ridiculous.

Week 10 standings

Family Cup standings

House Doyle: 20-10
House Garrity: 16-14
House Quinn: 12-18
House Shane: 11-17-2

Another big week from Jonathan’s squad — He has scored 150+ points three of the last four weeks, but has only gone 2-1-1 over that stretch. He got the win this week, taking down Mike #1 ranked team. That gives us a tight race for the playoffs, with the gap between first and seventh (first team out) at just two games with four weeks left in the fantasy regular season.

If they playoffs were to start now, all three Doyle squads would be in there, along with Jonathan, Crazy Grandmom Malice and Shelly. Jimmy still has a chance of crashing the party, while Jimmy, Pop Shane and Shane still have a chance to jump up there. For the Emma/me team and Tommy’s squad, well, there’s always next year.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1267.88 pts
2 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 1259.00 pts
3 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 1251.80 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 1180.69 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 1154.86 pts
6 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 1055.02 pts
7 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 1032.41 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1029.96 pts
9 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1020.97 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 960.61 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 904.62 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 752.03 pts

We all knew this was coming. After another mediocre week for my team and great performances from Pop (159.87 pts) and Jonathan (149.09 pts), I slipped back to third and the reigning Awesome Cup champ returned to the top spot. I’ve thought about sabotaging Jonathan’s team, since I have all his login info, but I’ve resisted since that would mostly benefit Pop and not me. We’ll see if I change my mind.

Jeff failed to break 60 fantasy pts this week thanks to starting four inactive players (plus one active one who scored zero points). Joel only started three inactive guys, but he also deployed Bryce Young, so he also failed to reach 60. Jonathan scored 60.9 fantasy points with Jonathan Taylor and Ashton Jeanty alone.

Thankfully, Taylor is on a bye next week, so maybe Jonathan will get cut down to size a bit. Saints are off too. Jets and Patriots play Thursday, Commanders and Dolphins play early on Sunday, Eagles play late on Sunday, Cowboys play Monday for the second time in a row. Get those rosters set early and often.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 9 recap

After a restful bye week, here are a few modest predictions for how the Eagles’ second half will unfold:

** RB Saquon improved from 44 yds rushing two games ago against the Vikings to 150 yds rushing last game against the Giants. So a 106-yard improvement from each week here on out seems reasonable. That would mean 256 rushing yds against the Packers, 362 against the Lions, 468 against the Cowboys, and so on. That means he should end up with 5,535 yards on the ground by the end of the season, assuming he sits out game #17 again.

** DE Brandon Graham returns to the team just nine sacks behind DE Trent Cole for second on the Eagles all-time leader list. Given that there are only nine games left in the season, it will be difficult for Graham to get enough to move up. But with some fresh legs and luck, I’m predicting Graham gets just enough (48) to pass DE Reggie White for the franchise record. That’s just 5.5 a game, with a lighter load in game #17, obviously.

** QB Jalen Hurts has 60 rushing TDs for his career, third all time among passers in the regular season. Thanks to the tush push, Hurts has a chance to break that, before Thanksgiving. That would be five rushing TDs in each of the next three games, with a sixth in the contest against the Cowboys on Nov. 23. That seems extreme until you realize that Barkley will be getting tackled at the one-yard line between seven and 10 times a game in those matchups. Lots of opportunity.

** Given all of that firepower, there’s no reason to think that the Eagles will finish the season any worse than 15-1. True, they are 6-2 already, but after bulldozing teams in the second half, the NFL will be forced to reassess that first game against the Giants, and will opt to overturn the extra blemish on the schedule.

** Finally, despite all of their hard work and success, despite all the good feelings and All-Star play, and despite the opportunity for continued greatness, Philly fans will be disappointed in the playoffs as the Sixers will bomb out in the first round.

QB: Caleb Williams, 42.97 pts — on the wire
WR: Drake London, 30.37 pts — started by Jo
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 29.57 pts — started by Bob
TE: Brock Bowers, 33.07 pts — started by Joel
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 18.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: Tennessee, 20.00 pts — on the wire
D: Cody Barton, 9.50 pts — on the wire

Caleb Williams has eight starts this year. Three times he has scored more than 25 fantasy points, including this week’s nearly 43 pts tally, the second highest individual score of the year. Three times he has scored fewer than 14 fantasy pts, including 16.48 in the last two weeks combined. So spare a thought to Jo, who two weeks ago had Bo Nix on her bench for a 43.96 pts performance, and cut Williams just before kickoff on Sunday. I agreed with both moves, because fantasy is cruel and dumb.

Nine QBs scored more than 30 fantasy pts this week, with both Jalen Hurts and Baker Mayfield on byes. Maybe football isn’t hard anymore?

Speaking of good offenses, Tennessee’s defense had fantasy 18 points in the previous seven weeks combined, so naturally they went for 20 on Sunday against a really good Chargers offense. That’s because fantasy is cruel and dumb.


“Players I have never heard of” edition

3rd place: Adrian Martinez, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Tahj Washington, -0.77 pts — on the wire
1st place: Roman Wilson, -1.23 pts — on the wire

Honestly, you could convince me pretty easily that all of those names were just computer-generated characters.

Panthers QB Bryce Young scored a whopping 2.98 fantasy pts on 102 yds passing and one INT Sunday … and still scored a win against the heavily-favored Packers. Bengals QB Joe Flacco scored 38.70 fantasy pts on 470 yds passing, two picks and four TDs … and lost. So apparently Flacco being 13 times better than Young wasn’t enough for the Bengals to win. Tough to be a Cincinnati fan right now.


** Headline in the Washington Post this week: “These QBs, pass rushers and others may or may not be traded this year.”

Really honing in on the news there. I do have an alternate headline suggestion: “Someone in the NFL will go somewhere sometime maybe.” Feels like that really gets at the heart of what they were trying to say.

** Great graphic by Fox during Game 7 of the World series showing the pain of Canadian sports fans. It was titled “Canada Dry” and showed no Canadian baseball team had won it all since 1993, no Canadian hockey team has won it all since 1993, and no Canadian basketball team has won it all since … the Toronto Raptors in 2019.

That’s the kind of long-term suffering that Boston fans talk about all the time.

** Before we get through another week of college football, we have to talk about the Buckeyes first-string running back: freshman Lamar Jackson.

Obviously, his parents didn’t know their son would be a football star, or that there would be another, more famous Lamar Jackson right as he got on the cusp of the pros. But he’s there now, so naturally he has decided to go by a nickname to limit confusion. Smart move.

He now goes by Bo instead.

That’s right. To avoid confusion with a famous NFL star, the kid decided to change his name … to the same one as a different, famous NFL star. Really outsmarted us all on that one. Solid work.

It’s not over until it’s all over. The Titans currently have a 1-8 record, tied for the worst in all of football. And yet, consider if the season plays out this way over the next nine weeks...

** Tennessee wins its final eight games and finishes 9-8.
** Jacksonville and Indianapolis both finish 8-7-2, with a tie against each other.
** Houston finishes 7-8-2, with ties against the Jags and Colts.
** New England and Buffalo both finish 8-8-1.
** Cincinnati wins five of its last eight to finish 8-9. Baltimore does the same.
** Pittsburgh loses seven of its last nine, to finish 7-10.
** San Diego and Denver finish 8-8-1.
** Kansas City ties four of its last eight and loses three more, finishing 6-7-4.

That makes the Bengals the AFC North winners, the Patriots the AFC East winners and the Chargers the AFC West winners. But, with a 9-8 record and the only winning record in the AFC, the Titans would be the #1 overall seed in the playoffs and get a first-round bye.

For real, though, you can figure it all out for yourself here. Dream big, folks. I’m looking forward to late January football in Nashville.

   In a bizarre quirk of scheduling, the Cowboys played on Monday night this week and will play their next game (after a bye) on Monday night as well. Some may question why a middle-of-the-pack team like the Cowboys deserves such a prominent spot, but other NFL experts … would probably agree with that. Besides, it’s pretty clear from the TV guide description that the schedulers know how dumb the move is. Just look at what those letters rearranged clearly spell out:

Dallas Cowboys starring on ESPN’s Monday Night Football
** Why? Bland slobs not good. Constant gas pain, misery for all

I bet you thought that indigestion was because of the chips you were eating. No! The Cowboys actually cause gastric distress. It’s a medical fact.

** Same as last week — split my picks with Dad, so I remain up five on him for the season. It feels like he’s laying in wait, looking for the right moment to strike.

** The Bengals lost 47-42 to the Bears this week and 39-38 to the Jets last week. They’re the first team to score 38+ points in consecutive weeks and lose since the 1966 Jets. And they’re the first team to lose two games in a season after scoring 38+ points since … the 2024 Bengals. Way to fix that defensive problem, guys.

** I’m always excited when the Cowboys trade for a player because it’s a new name for the anagram machine. Also, because they’re dumb and don’t know how to handle draft picks in trades.


Week 9 standings

Family Cup standings

House Doyle: 18-9
House Garrity: 14-13
House Quinn: 11-16
House Shane: 10-15-2

Big wins for Shelly and Mike keep them in first place. Jonathan, who is the top scorer in the league by a wide margin, is sitting down in fourth and in danger of missing the playoffs. And the league’s second highest-scoring team? That’s the team run by Emma and me, in dead last. Congrats to Shane for playing us this week and scoring his highest point total of the year, and the highest point total of the week. And congrats to Jimmy, who plays us next week, for inevitably scoring 140+ pts then.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 1,140.22 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,118.79 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 1,099.13 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 1,075.98 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 1,041.32 pts
6 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 942.97 pts
7 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 936.80 pts
8 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 934.55 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 917.04 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 903.48 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 830.86 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 694.23 pts

Jonathan picked up 0.32 pts on me this week, but the big moves were Dad and Bob both closing the gaps on the top two spots. Dad scored 155.41 pts, and Bob got 150.30 pts, both impressive leaps.

Mike rounds out the top tier of teams, but Jo is doing her best to climb into the upper echelon despite some terrible fantasy luck. Jeff has successfully made it into tier two, and could jump into sixth next week with a little luck. And it’s better not to discuss what’s happening behind him in the standings.

The NFL trade deadline passed this week, which means the league can send teams overseas again without worrying players will be stolen by European soccer squads, I guess. Broncos and Raiders on Thursday, Falcons and Colts early on Sunday in Berlin, and Eagles vs. Packers on Monday night. Adjust those rosters early.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 8 recap

The Eagles bye week syncs up nicely with Halloween this year, so the Philly athletes have decided to go trick-or-treating together. Here’s a quick preview of the costumes they plan to wear:

QB Jalen Hurts — Superman
** He’s completely unstoppable, except for when defenses find a small sliver of kryptonite. Then he completely falls apart.

DE Brandon Graham — Father Time
Just when you think he’s too old to go out asking for candy, he surprises you with another gear.

WR AJ Brown — The Invisible Man
** One minute he’s tearing up and down the street, and the next minute he’s held without a catch for a half.

DT Jalen Carter — Dilophosaurus
** Sure the frill is complicated to put on, but he’s got the spitting part down pat.

RB Saquon Barkley — the Flash
** You sorta forget he’s with the other super heroes until all the sudden he goes speeding by.

1B Bryce Harper — RB Saquon Barkley
** Yeah, it’s still the best costume around town. Plus it comes with a ring.

QB: Jordan Love, 34.30 pts — started by me
WR: Troy Franklin, 20.93 pts — started by Paul
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 35.70 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Tucker Kraft, 25.03 pts — started by Jo
K: Chris Boswell, 20.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: Tampa Bay, 29.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Anthony Nelson, 15.50 pts — on the wire

Biggest surprise of the week? It’s not the four RBs who topped 30 fantasy points (Taylor, Jame Cook, Breece Hall and Saquon). It’s not the six QBs who beat that mark (including Tua Tagovailoa, who scored 7.4 fantasy pts in his last two starts combined). It’s not a tight end outscoring every wideout on the week.

Nope, it’s that Browns DE Myles Garrett isn’t on the list. He had six tackles, five sacks and a forced fumble in Cleveland’s loss — yes, LOSS — to the Patriots on Sunday. And he couldn’t bag the title of best defensive player of the day either. Tampa Bay LB Nelson had four tackles, two sacks, two turnovers, a pass deflection and a TD, just enough to beat Garrett by 0.50 fantasy pts.

“Worst D ever” edition

3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -4.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
3rd place: (tie) Carolina, -4.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Jets, -5.00 pts — started by Ant
1st place: (tie) Pittsburgh, -6.00 pts — started by Joel
1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Just amazing stuff all around here. The Bengals and Jets combined for one sack, no turnovers and 87 points allowed in their matchup on Sunday, which has to be one of the worst defensive tandems of all time. And the Jets won, which was hilarious.

The Cowboys had their fourth game scoring zero fantasy points or less, all contests they have lost. At 15 pts for the season, they’d be under zero for the year if not for an inexplicable 16 pts performance two weeks ago against the Commanders.

Not on this list are the five other defenses which scored negative points on Sunday, including the Falcons (who I started), the Vikings (who Sam started) and the Bears (who Jo started). If you got six or more points from your defense this week, consider yourself lucky.


** Don’t get on Fox analyst Joel Klatt’s good side.

During Saturday’s Indiana/UCLA contest, Klatt praised Hoosiers QB Fernando Mendoza as a potential high pick in next year’s NFL draft. “He’s incredibly accurate,” he said. “He’s got 21 TDs and only two interceptions on the year. He just has been phenomenal.”

Mendoza’s next four passes: incomplete, incomplete, interception, incomplete. Great jinx work there.

** A moment after that, Klatt noted that Mendoza is "highly intelligent AND really smart.” 

I am neither of those things, so I can’t tell you the difference between those two traits.

** Stupidest thing I saw this week: The Sunday night football game featured the Steelers and Packers both wearing alternate “color rush” uniforms. Green Bay wore its all-white ensemble (how that counts as rushing color, I don’t know) and Pittsburgh wore an all-yellow throwback.

So every time you looked up and saw someone in what looked like a yellow Packers helmet, it was the Steelers. And every time you saw white helmet with dark accents like the Steelers, it was the Packers.

Luckily the chyron along the bottom of the screen had green next to the Packers tally and black next to the Steelers points, so there was no connection between the scoreboard and the game itself. Solid visuals all around.

The NFL got an early jump on pushing their clocks back this weekend, apparently slipping back a dozen years in the calendar. Consider:

** Eagles RBs Saquon Barkley and Tank Bigsby both rushed for more than 100 yds on Sunday. The last time two running backs did that for this team? Dec. 22, 2013 — when LeSean McCoy and Bryce Brown combined for 246 yds on 27 carries.

** Other notable players who were starting in the NFL that week in 2013 — QB Aaron Rodgers, QB Matt Stafford, QB Joe Flacco, QB Geno Smith, and QB Andy Dalton. Not all of them were starting this week … because Stafford’s and Smith’s teams were on a bye. Otherwise they all would have completed at least one pass.

** At the end of December 2013, two of the three best records in the league belonged to the Patriots and Colts, both of whom boasted high-powered offenses. As of Monday night, the Patriots and Colts had two of the top four offenses in the league.

** The eventual AFC champion in the 2013 season was the Denver Broncos, who boasted 13 wins thanks to an overpowering defense. This year’s Broncos are on pace for 13 wins, thanks to another strong defense.

** In 2013, Lane Johnson was starting at tackle for the Eagles, Travis Kelce was starting at TE for the Chiefs, and Keenan Allen was starting at WR for the Chargers. This week, Johnson was starting at tackle for the Eagles, Kelce was starting at TE for the Chiefs, and Allen was starting at WR for the Chargers.

** No matter where you turned in 2013, Tom Brady was in NFL promos and commercials and everything. And somehow, even though he has retired twice, Brady still won’t go away.

The Cowboys’ big offseason acquisition was a #2 wide receiver to help out with the Dallas offense. George Pickens was already established as a deep-play threat on the Steelers, but the Cowboys coaching staff saw something special in him that they knew would bring depth to their team.

Was it his speed? No. His grit? No. His can-do attitude? No. It was clearly spelled out in the letter of his name, just rearranged a bit:

Dallas wideout George Pickens
** Greed peg — New idiot lacks a soul

Greedy and dumb? That’s practically Jerry Jones’ family motto.

** Split my picks with Dad for the week, so I remain up five on him for the season. I’m 85-35 so far, which is a cool 70.3 percent accuracy rate on the year. If not for the Vikings, I may be at 90+ percent.

** Eagles head into the bye with a 2.5 game lead over the Cowboys in second place. If the Eagles go 4-5 over the second half, the Cowboys would have to go 7-2 to pass them.

** I was working a joke about Halloween and Jerry Jones and the crypt keeper but honestly it just felt too obvious.

 

Week 8 standings

Family Cup standings

House Doyle: 17-7
House Garrity: 11-13
House Shane: 9-13-2
House Quinn: 10-14

I no longer have words for how frustrating this league is. The team run by Emma and me has scored the third most points in the league, and we are in dead last place. We have four losses (OK, three losses and one tie) this year where we have scored 125+ pts. Shelly’s team, tied for first with six wins, has only scored above that mark twice all year. Jimmy’s team has scored 255 points fewer — almost 32 points less a week — and has one more win than us. This league is cursed. I look forward to winning the final six games of the season and missing the playoffs by one spot.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 1,018.21 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 996.46 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 943.72 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 925.68 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 921.88 pts
6 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 886.99 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 845.36 pts
8 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 842.11 pts
9 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 833.26 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Joel), 820.91 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 760.29 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 593.61 pts

So much for my impressive lead. I couldn’t break 90 pts this week, and Jonathan scored over 160, trimming my cushion in the standings to less than 22 pts. Three more teams are within 100 of first, including former champs Pop and Mike. But don’t sleep on Dr. Bob’s squad — is this finally the year he can break through? I hope not. My team was doing really well…

Joel’s team is officially dead, failing to top 60 pts for the second week in a row. Paul’s is mostly dead, which is better than all dead, because with all dead the only thing you can do is check their pockets for loose change.

The Eagles don’t play next week, but other teams do, so check the schedule early and often. We’re entering the back stretch, and it’s still anyone’s game.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 7 recap

On Sunday, Eagles QB Jalen Hurts became only the third Philadelphia quarterback to achieve a perfect passer rating in a regular season game, joining Donovan McNabb and Nick Foles on the exclusive list. The passer rating calculator remains a confusing and unintuitive metric, so here’s a quick explanation of what a player has to do to receive to score a 158.3 on the scale, the highest mark possible:

— Throw at least 10 passes
— Complete at least 77.5% of passes
— Average at least 12.5 yards per pass attempt
— Throw no interceptions
— Throw a TD on at least 11.875% of pass attempts
— Spend at least two quarters not throwing the ball further than three yards
— Look completely lost at least once in the third quarter
— Somehow need the defense to score to win the game
— Laugh about your critics after the game

Foles is the only QB to get a perfect passer rating in a game where he threw seven TDs. Hurts only had three on Sunday, so there’s still more he can aim for.

QB: Bo Nix, 43.96 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 24.73 pts — started by Joel
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 33.20 pts — started by Bob
TE: Trey McBride, 21.93 pts — started by Jeff
K: Will Reichard, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Cleveland, 28.00 pts — on the wire
D: Travis Hunter, 17.23 pts — started by Ant (kind of)

Let’s address that last name first — Hunter is now officially listed as WR/CB, which means he can be started in the defensive player spot. But Anthony didn’t do that this week, so he just got a solid score from a flex position instead of an incredible score from a D position. Poor coaching, still a fine result.

Huge point totals all around this week. Nix tied for the highest score of the year so far (yes, tied. Goff had 43.96 pts exactly in week 2. Weird). Eleven players topped 30 pts, including three RBs (McCaffery, Jonathan Taylor and Jahmyr Gibbs) and Mr. Perfect, Jalen Hurts. WR DeVonta Smith had 183 receiving yards and a TD, but was only the third best fantasy receiver (and beat AJ Brown by just 0.67 pts).

“QB parade” edition

3rd place: (tie) Gardner Minshew, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Tua Tagovailoa, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kenny Pickett, -1.68 pts — on the wire

On the same day that the Eagles starter had a perfect passer rating, two former Eagles QBs made the list of worst fantasy performers of the week. Mishnew didn’t really earn his spot, collecting -3 rushing yds on three kneel downs. Super Bowl winning QB Kenny Pickett did, going 2 for 2 for 8 yds passing and fumbling in his brief appearance during the Raiders 31-0 loss to the Chefs.

But those two were just part timers. Tagovailoa played the majority of the Dolphins' loss to the (checks notes) Browns, passing for 100 yards and three interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. His QB rating was 24.1, which was lower than your rating on Sunday (zero completions, yards, TDs or INTs is a 39.6 rating). If you’re the worst QB on the field during a Browns game and you’re not wearing a Browns’ uniform, you’ve hit a new low in life.


** In the second quarter of the Ohio State/Wisconsin game (during which commentator Brad Nessler confused the Badgers and the Buckeyes four times), Wisconsin suffered a rash of injuries, including to their RB. After a few minutes, sideline reporter Jenny Dell gave an update on the player’s condition:

“I just talked to the coaches. If he can come back, then he’ll get into the game. But if not, then he’s out.”

That’s the kind of inside perspective that only the best sideline report can provide.

 

** Texas Tech athletic director Kirby Hocutt said this on Monday:

"As Red Raiders, no one tells us what to do. We make our own decisions. I leaned into throwing tortillas at the beginning of the football season. Now I must ask everyone to stop."

I can give you the context for that, but I assure you it will not make any more sense.

Fine. Texas Tech has a tradition (not the right word) of tossing tortillas into the air during football games. The Big 12 voted this year to penalize teams whose fans throw items onto the field. Texas Tech fans responded by throwing loads of tortillas onto the field throughout the last few games, and now faces a $100,000 fine from the league if it happens again.

See? I told you it makes no more sense.

 

** Dolphins Coach Mike McDaniel, asked about QB Tua Tagovailoa’s status going ahead after Sunday’s embarrassing loss: "He is going to take the snaps this week, and he's going to be our starter this week.”

Yeah, so, McDaniel is getting fired before November.

The Eagles announced on Monday that two-time Super Bowl winner Brandon Graham will return to the nest this season, to help the team’s suddenly thin pass rush. Team reporters are already speculating that he might not be the only familiar face to return to the team this year. Here are a few other names to watch:

** C Jason Kelce: The Eagles offensive line is also hurting, and Kelce is still looking for a second Super Bowl ring.

** QB Mike Kafka: Sure, he’s the offensive coordinator for the New Jersey Giants now. But Kafka was in the same Eagles draft class as Graham (2010), so why not give it a try?

** S Brian Dawkins: No question he could still lay down some hits.

** RB Saquon Barkley: After his monster campaign last year, it’d be great to see him play again in 2025. It’s a shame that he decided to hang up his cleats over the summer and … wait, wut? Are you sure? Then where the hell has he been?

** P Jeff Feagles: Feagles played for 22 years — would you really be surprised if you found out he still wanted to sign one more contract?


The Cowboys activated CB Caelen Carson from the injured reserve list to help with their struggling defense. Coaches talk all the time about players “checking all the boxes,” and Carson was no exception. Except in his case, those boxes are all terrible, terrible qualities that are clearly spelled out in the letters of his name:

Dallas CB Caelen Carson
** A rascal: Bled cons clean
** A slob: All cancer dances
** A clod: Cleans barnacles
** A debacle: Calls son “narc”
** A loser: Cancel bad clans

I don’t know if “cancer dances” cause cancer or just celebrate cancer, but either way, this guy is bad news.

** I went 2-1 in the picks against Dad this week, but the one I got wrong was that Miami loss. In a just world, that would count as 20 losses for me. But this is not a just world, and I remain up 5 on Dad for the season.

** RB Montie Quinn of Division III Curry College (in New England) ran for seven TDs and 522 yards in his team’s 71-27 win over Nichols College. He had five TD runs over 50 yds, and three over 75 yds. For those of you scoring at home, yes, that is a record for any college game, and yes, that would have been worth 94.2 fantasy pts in our league.

** Sixers start their season tomorrow, in case you haven’t had enough Philly sports disappointment of late.

Week 7 standings

Family Cup standings

House Doyle: 15-6
House Garrity: 10-11
House Shane: 8-11-2
House Quinn: 8-13

It’s official: Emma's Unicorn Blobfish Empire is cursed. Despite scoring the most points in the league this week, our empire still couldn’t get a win. Instead, we tied with Jonathan at 154.46 pts apiece. Think about that. We’re going down to the hundredths of a point in scoring, and still everything ended up even. On the season, our joint team is fifth in the league in scoring and 11th in record. We’ve had 71 more points — about 10 more points a week — scored on us than any other team. Shelly has 78 fewer points on the year and 4 more wins than us. And now, we have to stare at that bizarre tie for the rest of the season. Cursed, I tell you. Cursed!

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 928.62 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 836.24 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 825.01 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 824.38 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 794.99 pts
6 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 769.82 pts
7 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 754.74 pts
8 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 739.16 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 734.72 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 734.29 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 646.29 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 538.54 pts

Jeff scored 153.96 points in our league this week and he doesn’t even get proper recognition for the achievement, because Bob went full beast mode with his squad: 180.14 pts, with eight of his 12 players scoring in double digits. That vaulted him up the charts again, putting him just a hair out of third and within striking distance of second. First place, still secure, although my lead slipped back to just double digits this week.

At the other end, Joel hasn’t scored more than 85 pts since week 2. Starting an injured QB for multiple weeks will do that to you. Mom D did start all healthy players, but her defense and RB trio combined for just 11.24 pts. The B Sharps remain disappointingly flat.

Your NFL schedule for next week includes … wait, what? One Monday game? No overseas contests? Just a slate of mostly normal Sunday games? I’m not sure how to deal with that. I’ll probably find a new way to forget to set my roster as a result.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 6 recap

Before we move past last week’s absolute tragedy of a sports day for Philadelphia, it’s important to put the trauma in its proper context. To recap, here are all the things that happened last Thursday:

** The Phillies were eliminated from the playoffs on a 12th-inning error.
** The Eagles got blown out by an inferior division opponent.
** The Flyers opened their season with a loss.
** The Sixers existed.

All terrible, heartbreaking events. But was it the worst single sports day in city history? Here are the other contenders (subtracting deaths and real world horrors, mostly):

— Oct. 16, 1983: Only twice in U.S. pro sports history has a city had three pro sports teams lose on the same day including a MLB team being bounced from the playoffs. Those two are Philadelphia last week … and Philadelphia in 1983, when the Phillies were eliminated from the World Series by the Orioles, the Eagles lost by 30 to the Cowboys, and the Flyers were beaten by the Rangers 5-4.

— Nov. 5, 2022: In a historic first, Philadelphia lost two major sports championships on the same day, within a few hours of each other. After the Union fell to LA in penalty kicks (the Philly squad took the lead in overtime and couldn’t hold on), the Phillies lost a decisive game five of the World Series to the Astros. For the record, the Flyers did win that day, but no one noticed.

— May 12, 1985: The Sixers lost game 1 of the Easter Conference Finals to the rival Celtics just a few hours after the Phillies lost a 3-2 contest against the rival Mets. And a few hours after all that, the city police dropped a bomb on the MOVE complex after a lengthy firefight with members bunkering in the row homes. So, the sports news went a little under the radar.

— Feb. 29, 2009: Flyers lose in overtime to the Canadiens within a few minutes of the Sixers loss to the Magic in regulation. But both of those defeats came about five hours after the worst sports news of the day, when the Eagles declined to match the contract offer Denver made to S Brian Dawkins, allowing him the leave in free agency.

— April 23, 2020: The Phillies, Sixers and Flyers were all scheduled to play that day, but the Covid pandemic wiped out all sports for the week and much of the spring. But one sports event that did go on was the NFL Draft, where the Eagles selected WR Jalen Reagor one pick ahead of WR Justin Jefferson. So that counted for roughly 15 losses on its own.

Given that the 1983 mess involved both a Cowboys loss and a World Series loss, it feels like that hurts more than any other single day. But luckily, we Philly faithful have plenty of pain to choose from.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 37.48 pts — started by Sam
WR: George Pickens, 21.70 pts — started by Joel
RB: Bijan Robinson, 30.53 pts — started by me
TE: Dallas Goedert, 17.83 pts — started by Pop
K: Eddy Pineiro, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Rams, 20.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Devin White, 9.00 pts — started by Jonathan

I guess it’s time we had a conversation about Rico Dowdle, the #2 RB on the week with 30.03 pts. The Panthers RB has scored 30+ fantasy pts in his last two games, collecting 389 rushing yards and 85 receiving yards in back-to-back victories for his team. He’s fourth in rushing on the season and has suddenly made Carolina relevant, a feat that seemed impossible just one month ago. And his ridiculous performance this week came at the expense of his former team, the Cowboys, for whom he played four years and only broke 100 rushing yards four times. All great news.

Remember when the Eagles didn’t want to resign Goedert? Right now he’s the #2 fantasy TE in all of football, and has more TDs than all but four wideouts in the league. So, yeah, the team was absolutely right to make him take a pay cut.

Just missed a perfect week. Stupid kickers. 

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Philadelphia, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
2nd place: Cooper Rush, -1.12 pts — on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench

If you’re looking for a defense, Bob has it. He’s currently carrying three different DEFs at the moment, and luckily benched the worst of them this week. Sadly for him, the other two (Green Bay and Kansas City) only scored 3.00 pts each.

Through three starts this season in place of All-Pro QB Lamar Jackson, Cooper Rush has thrown zero TDs and four interceptions for a total of 2.12 fantasy pts. That’s playing as a QB, not as a backup special teams player. The Ravens have a bye this week and Rush has already tossed another pick.


** For the second week in a row, Westwood One commentator Oliver Wilson dropped some mind-numbing comments during the overseas NFL game of the week, Denver vs. New Jersey. The Jets took over at their own 35-yard line in the late third quarter, with an 11-10 lead. Wilson analyzed the situation at hand:

“That’s a good starting position,” he said. “I wouldn’t bet against them trying to get this into field goal range on this possession.”

Look, I know the Jets are bad, but I do believe they are at least trying to get into scoring position on every possession. It would be more shocking to me if they were kneeling down on the ball in the third quarter, assuming a one-point lead will hold for 15+ minutes.

Now, if you want to bet on them actually succeeding in getting into field goal range, that’s a different story. The Jets went three-and-out and lost the game.

** Eagles coach Nick Sirriani, following the Giants game last week: “We’ve got a lot of confidence in [offensive coordinator] Kevin [Patullo] and the offensive staff and love some of the thoughts that we have.”

The Eagles are 16th in points per game, have only managed 17 points each of the last two games, and are wasting their Pro Bowl running back and all-Pro wideouts. But, I do love good thoughts, almost as much as I love scoring.

Last week’s terrible Philly games have us all feeling a little down, but just remember that not all is lost. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and people like you. Plus, you were a better athlete than a lot of professionals over the weekend. Just consider:

— Did you get zero passing yards this weekend? Congrats! You were better than Jets QB Justin Fields, who had a net -10 yards passing on the day thanks to nine sacks. He’s only the second player in the last 10 years to have as many sacks as completions in a game. The other was … Justin Fields.

— Did you get zero rushing yards this weekend? Congrats! You were better than Raiders RB Raheem Mostert, who rushed five times for -4 yards. Mostert made the Pro Bowl just 20 months ago, and now he can’t even make the line of scrimmage.

— Did you drive a car this weekend? Congrats! You were faster than Seahawks WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba, who topped out at 21 mph in his breakaway 61-yard TD catch on Sunday. Sure, he almost reached the neighborhood speed limit on foot, but almost doesn’t count here.

— Did you show up for work on Tuesday? Congrats! You made more money this week than Lions DB Brian Branch, who was suspended one game due to a post-game fight following his team’s loss to the Chiefs Sunday. He makes about $118,000 per game, and has now lost roughly $247,000 thanks to 14 fines in his three-year career.

— Are you on the Browns? No? Congrats! Through clean living and hard work, you’ve avoided the pitfalls of ending up playing for that wretched franchise, which has not scored more than 18 points in any of its last 11 contests. The last time they broke that barrier was Dec. 2 of last year, when they scored 32 … in a 41-32 loss to the Broncos.

The Cowboys knew they had a serious defensive problem heading into this season, which is why they selected Donovan Ezeiruaku in the second round of last spring’s draft. They were hoping he’d bring some new energy and spark into the locker room, but thus far the results have been disappointing. And, honesty, predictable, because just look at what his name spells out:

Dallas Defensive End Donovan Ezeiruaku
** Dead. No life. A zero. Leaves unkind, unsaved.

RIP, rookie. I’m sorry it had to end so soon.

** Dad picked up a game on me this week, and I couldn’t be happier. We’re just trading being wrong about the Panthers each week, and he nailed their win over the Cowpokes on Sunday. I’m still at plus-4 for the season, so no worries yet.

** If you’re wondering why I didn’t include Penn State’s awful sports week in the Philadelphia misery, it’s because the school is in upstate New York and not the Philadelphia area. But for the record: 17 days ago, that team was undefeated and ranked #3 in the country in college football. Today, they’re .500, outside the top #25 and looking for a new head coach after spending $49 million to fire James Franklin. Not great.

** I was trying to find players with a stupider name than Cam Skattebo to score multiple TDs against the Eagles and the best I could do was RB Stump Mitchell of the St. Louis Cardinals who scored 2 TDs in a 24-14 win in Philly on Nov. 17, 1985. He’s currently 66 years old and the running backs coach for the West Georgia Wolves. I’m betting he could score two more against the birds next week.

 

Week 6 standings

Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 13-5
House Garrity: 9-9
House Shane: 8-10
House Quinn: 6-12

And just like that, we have no more undefeated or winless teams in the league. Pop upset Mike (with 170+ pts!) to finally put a blemish on Mike’s perfect season. At the other end of the standings, Emma’s squad finally didn’t play someone who scored in the 130s, and defeated Tommy’s team for her first win of the season. Oliver and Jimmy came out on top in their respective family battles, while Grandmom upset Jonathan to keep him from sneaking into first place.

Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 821.59 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 721.47 pts
3 — City Hands (Mike), 708.52 pts
4 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 704.07 pts
5 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 672.71 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 664.93 pts
7 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 644.24 pts
8 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 643.10 pts
9 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 635.05 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 580.33 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 569.33 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 483.27 pts

A big week for Pop here too — 147.47 pts was the high score on the week for this league, giving him the rare double first-place finish. That was good enough to get him to the edge of podium position. Jo posted 13 fewer points and climbed back up a bit in the standings too. And Jonathan cemented his grip on second with a 118.35 pts performance.

But none of your efforts are slowing me down. Another week, another 120+ pts. I now have a 100-point cushion in the standings, and that’s with Lamar Jackson and Cam Skittleado on my bench. Could I have the league title wrapped up by week 9? Sure, if Bijan Robinson averages 300 rushing yards and seven touchdowns each of the next three weeks.

Speaking of next week … Thursday game, Sunday early game, Sunday late game, two Monday games, two byes, zero scheduling sense. Check your rosters now, and again later, and then again even later.

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 5 recap

Philadelphia sports media reported this week that Jalen Hurts, A.J. Brown, and Saquon Barkley had a “long, positive talk on Monday” following the team’s loss to Denver. Thanks to sources within the building, I’ve learned the trio was actually brainstorming ideas to recommend improvements to the gameplan with offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo. And I’ve also obtained a recording of their meeting with the coach on Tuesday morning to lay out their concerns. Here is a partial transcript:

AJ: “What if we tried moving the ball forward?”

KP: “Nah, we did that, and every time the center moves the ball ahead even a little the refs throw a flag.”

SB: “No, bro, he doesn’t mean on the tush push. He means moving the ball down the field.”

KP: “You mean like a downfield tush push?”

JH: “No like and actual, grown-up offensive play down the field. Like in the Super Bowl.”

KP: “Ah, right. I forgot there was a tush push in the Super Bowl too.”

SB: “We need to run an offense again, bud. Not just these weak, weird plays. An actual offense to catch people off guard.”

KP: “Sounds risky. If we keep the ball close to the line of scrimmage, we won’t turn it over. That’s how you win.”

JH: “What if we’re behind on the scoreboard?”

KP: “Then we definitely don’t want to fall further behind.”

AJ: “My man, this squad scored 40 points against a good Chiefs defense in the Super Bowl. We need to get back to that mentality. We need to play to win again.”

KP: (pauses)

KP: (pauses)

KP: “You’re right, we gotta win in those trenches. Let’s go out there and practice the tush push some more.”

QB: C.J. Stroud, 36.76 pts — on the wire
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 23.83 pts — started by Joel
RB: Rico Dowdle, 30.47 pts — started by Pop
TE: AJ Barner, 19.03 pts — on the wire
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 18.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: Indianapolis, 20.00 pts — on the wire
D: Derrick Barnes, 10.50 pts — on the wire

More tough news for AJ Brown — he’s not even the first AJ in the top performers list of the year. I’ve never heard of AJ Barner, Seattle’s TE, before this moment, but he’s the #5 player at his position on the year.

The Texans came into Sunday averaging 16 points a game, but that’s nothing the Ravens defense couldn’t help fix. Stroud passed for four TDs and 244 yds in a 44-10 dismantling of the reeling Baltimore team. For comparison, Strout collected just 38.06 fantasy pts in his first three games this season.

Don’t look now, but Rams WR Puka Nacua (#4 wideout on the week) has 588 receiving yds and is on pace for 1,999 for the season. The record is 1,964 by Calvin Johnson in 2012, in 16 games.

“Bad luck” edition

2nd place: (tie) Ollie Gordon II, -0.20 pts — on Mike’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Zavier Scott, -0.20 pts — started by Jo
1st place: Jalen Milroe, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Scott was worth 12.47 pts last week when the Vikings lost and there were no bye weeks, so naturally he was worth negative pts for Jo this week when the Vikings won and she needed a bye-week fill in. Fantasy football is cruel.

Five defenses were worth negative pts this week, and somehow the Ravens weren’t the worst (they were only -4.00 pts). Congrats to the Raiders on being the most recent member of the -6.00 team, surrendering 40 pts to the Colts and recording no sacks or takeaways.

But, for the record, Baltimore is the worst defense in all of football now: They’re scored -4.00 pts total on the year, ending up in negative territory four of the last five weeks.


** Ahead of the Vikings/Browns game in London on Sunday, singers performed both the “Star Spangled Banner” and “God Save the King.” Westwood One commentator Oliver Wilson, moved by the musical moment, noted that “the American and British national anthems just hit different ahead of a game in London.”

He’s absolutely right. Whenever I hear NFL teams play “God Save the King” ahead of a normal, stateside game, my emotions are less overcome by the grandeur and more confused about why we’re pledging allegiance to our former overlords. Did we lose a war? Did someone mortgage the country and we got repossessed?

You know what would be really different? Getting smart commentary while watching overseas football.

** Ahead of the Blue Jays/Yankees series, the Bills put out several social media messages wishing Toronto good luck in advancing to the next round of the MLB playoffs. That drew immediate criticism online from Yankees fans blasting the franchise for turning its back on New York.

A few points of rebuttal:

1 — Toronto is a 90-minute drive from Buffalo. New York City is a 6.5-hour drive. Expecting Buffalo to have allegiance to a NYC team is like expecting the Phillies to put out a tweet wishing the Pittsburgh Penguins luck in the postseason.

2 — Since when does anyone from New York City consider Buffalo part of New York? The tabloids are constantly lamenting how bad “New York” football is, focusing on the Jets and Giants and ignoring the Bills.

3 — No one should ever support the Yankees, so their argument is moot.

** During the Texans beatdown of the Ravens on Sunday, CBS announcer Noah Eagle noted that the Ravens’ usually stout defense has been miserable so far this season.

“These aren’t your father’s Ravens,” he quipped. “These aren’t your grandfather’s Ravens either!”

He’s right, because my grandfather didn’t watch the Ravens growing up. The franchise began in 1996. They also weren’t John Madden’s Ravens, or Michaelagelo’s Ravens, or King Tut’s Ravens.

Actually, maybe they were, because Baltimore didn’t have any defense prior to 1999 either.

Rookie Dillon Gabriel started for the Browns in that London game on Sunday, the 41st different quarterback to start a game for the franchise since it was revived in 1999. In honor of the dubious milestone, it’s time for another basic NFL knowledge quiz. Which of these men have started a game for the Browns in the last 26 years, and which of these names are Cleveland mayors from the 19th century?

 

Charlie Frye

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Thad Lewis

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Robert McKisson

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Connor Shaw

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Derek Anderson

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Nelson Hayward

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Joshua Mills

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Bruce Gradkowski

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

Doug Pederson

Browns starter
Cleveland politician

(The quizzes still don't really work, sorry). 

The correct answer, of course, is that none of these are men who started for the Browns. They were sad little boys thrust into an unwinnable situation.

But, if you’re looking for the names of actual QBs on the list, Frye, Lewis, Shaw, Anderson and Gradkowski were all NFL players. McKisson, Hayward and Mills all served as mayors of Cleveland and died before 1900. And Doug Pederson — yes that Doug Pederson — went 1-7 as the Browns starter in 2000, one year after acting as a mentor to Donovan McNabb.

One of the weaknesses of the Cowboys roster last year was their running back corps, so the team drafted Texas’ primary rusher in the fifth round of the draft last spring. Was it his speed that stood out? His size? His grit? Nah, the letters in his name just showed he fit in exactly with the team’s spirit and culture:

Dallas Cowboys new RB Jaydon Blue
** A ballsy clown, absurd dweeb. No joy.

At least his name matches the color of his uniform. That should make it easier for him to remember which team he’s rooting for.

** Deja vu all over again: For the second week in a row, I went 2-0 against Dad in the picks, to go up five for the season. I made fun of him for picking the Panthers last week, then picked the Panthers this week to defeat the Dolphins and stole a point from him. It’s psychological warfare, and I’m way out in front right now.

** I’ll start writing about the Phillies in the postseason as soon as they start playing in the postseason.

** A fan in Jacksonville at the Monday night game against the Chiefs was holding up an “ESPN” sign which read “Enjoy Super bowls Patrick Never again” and that’s a lot of work for very, very little result.

Week 5 standings

Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 12-3
House Garrity: 8-7
House Shane: 6-9
House Quinn: 4-11

Everyone in the league now has at least one win … except the team managed by Emma and me. We’ve scored more points than four other teams but have had 43 more points scored against us than any other squad. If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all. Mike’s Shamrock Meats Inc. has all the good luck, coming back in his match against Ollie to stay undefeated on the year. For the record, he is averaging just 8.5 more pts a week than our winless team. Fantasy football is cruel.

Awesome Cup standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 701.22 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 611.37 pts
3 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 603.12 pts
4 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 570.43 pts
5 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 565.24 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 562.29 pts
7 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 556.60 pts
8 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 554.49 pts
9 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 500.36 pts
10 — The B Sharps (Paul), 489.91 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 487.57 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 407.03 pts

Our defending champ is making his push back up the leaderboard, posting an impressive 152.63 pts this week. Just two weeks ago he was in 7th place — now he’s back on the podium.

But that’s a pretty unbalanced podium. I’ve opened an almost 90-point lead over second place, even while I lost Lamar Jackson to injury (a lot of garbage time points for Justin Fields this week, thanks). There were big scores all around this week, with 100+ points for everyone except for Paul, Jo and Joel. Jeff even started an active kicker this week! He also started Giants CB Paulson Adebo in one of his defensive player slots, even though that is clearly a made up human. Still scored 3 points, somehow.

Welcome to week 6: More byes! More London games! More inconvenience for fantasy managers! Check your rosters early, because you don’t want to leave any points on the table.