Fantasy league 2016 -- week 9 recap

No one is clamoring for NFL notables to run for public office, given the high quality of major party candidates this year. But quite a few are already planning public office runs in their post-football lives, and already have their campaign slogans ready:

** Colin Kaepernick: Standing up for America ... unless the anthem is playing
** Eli Manning: Dope and change
** Josh Huff: Fully endorsed by both the NRA and pot heads everywhere
** Tom Brady: Make America inflate again
** Odell Beckham: Look at me! Me! MEEEEE!
** Richard Sherman: I’m with hurt
** Jerry Jones: We must protect our kids, so I can devour their souls later

QB: Matt Ryan, 35.76 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Mike Evans, 27.50 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Melvin Gordon, 31.93 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.87 pts -- started by Dad
K: Matt Bryant, 16.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Baltimore, 16.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Brandon Flowers, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Ahhhhhhhh, that close to a perfect week. Paul was the only coach to start a defensive player in the top 20 this week, and it was the stupid Giants CB who picked off Carson Wentz at the start of the stupid Eagles/Giants game.

Gordon was the 24th RB drafted in our league, and he currently sits as the number one non-QB in the league in fantasy points. So, good work by the experts there.

Former Eagles QB Marck Sanchez has 0.12 fantasy pts on the season. Just saying.


“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: San Francisco, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Cleveland, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

That’s the worst score possible for the Browns, who gave up 35 points to the Cowboys this week and didn’t record a single turnover or sack. But I’m sure their moms are proud of them anyway.

The Browns are almost the worst fantasy defense in the league, averaging 2.888 pts per week. But the Jaguars are just a hair worse, with a 2.875 pts average through nine weeks. But Cleveland got 6 pts on one return TD, so I feel like they should still be ranked at the bottom.


** This is an actual graphic they had on Monday Night Football. I can show you the picture if you don’t believe me:

EFFECTS OF NOISE
** Can’t communicate
** Tackles and TEs can’t hear
** QB can’t hear in headset
** Audibles can be difficult

Not only that, Jon Gruden then had to explain what each of the bullet points meant, because NFL viewers may not be able to grasp the concept of “noise” even with his incoherent babbling as a reference point.

** Good old Joe Buck, in game 7 of the World Series, noted that Cubs starting P Kyle Hendricks “has pitched in big situations before, though maybe not this big.” Those other big starts included the final game of his college playoffs and a key game in the earlier rounds of the playoffs.
Yeah, I think that’s pretty comparable to being the starting pitcher for game 7 of a World Series where one team hasn’t won for 108 years. Maybe. I can’t really tell.

Halfway through the season, here’s what stats are worth watching:

** Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,376 yds this year, which would be the third most all time. Only five QBs have eclipsed the 5,000-yd mark in the history of the league: four guys who did it once, and Brees, who has done it four times already.
** Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott is on pace to rush for 1,782 yds, tops in the NFL. No rookie has rushed for that many since Rams RB Eric Dickerson in 1983, when he hit 1,808 yds. That’s also the last time a rookie won the league rushing title.
** Thirty-one WRs and TEs are on pace to receive for more than 1,000 yds this year. The NFL has never had more than 30 in a season before.
** The Giants as a team are on pace to rush for 1,093 yds this season, which is near historic lows and just so gawd awful that the Eagles found a way to lose to them.


Last offseason, former Maryland Racial Slurs RB Alfred Morris left the friendly confines of sorta-DC to continue his career in even more evil surroundings: Dallas. And while the team has won a lot, thanks to their recently renegotiated deal with the devil, Morris’ role has been more limited than expected, driving him to depression and substance abuse (probably). This, of course, comes as no surprise to me, given how clearly it is all spelled out in his name:

Redskins starter, Cowboys backup Alfred Morris
** From racist babies to worse: Drunk lacks dry reps

Yeah, I needed a crowbar and some oil to force that one in there.

** Took two more from Dad in our weekly picks this weekend. Yes, I just copied that start exactly from last week. I’m up a full TD and extra point on Dad for the season, after Dad selected Oakland wrong yet again. Pretty sure he’s 2-6 against the Raiders this year. Luckily, he’s playing in a different division.

** Chiefs QB Nick Foles on Sunday: 187 yds, 1 TD, no turnovers, 86.3 QB rating. He didn’t light the world on fire, but, that’s still more exciting than Sam Bradford.

** Don’t forget to get out there and vote today … in the NFL’s Pro Bowl balloting. After all, there’s a good chance no one is voting for that contest today, and somebody has to.

Week 9 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1178.25 pts
1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1155.15 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1103.35 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1089.63 pts
5 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1070.40pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1044.39 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1017.66 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 962.99 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 928.17 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 922.81 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 862.88 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 809.49 pts

Big change atop the leaderboard, as Anthony rides his big week back into first place and ends Joel’s five-week run in the lead. Mike jumped back up into striking distance as well, and everybody below the 1000-pts line stinks on ice.

FYI, the league trading deadline is this Saturday, so if you’ve got any Hail Mary passes to throw up there, now is the time. After this weekend you’re left with the dregs on the waiver wire, and no one wants to have to rely on Nelson Agholor for anything ever.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 8 recap

 

If you felt uneasy after the Eagles’ overtime loss on Sunday, it may not have been just because the defeat came at the hands of the hated 6-1 Cowboys. It’s also the first time in five years that baseball beat football in the TV ratings in a head-to-head match-up.

About 24 million Americans watched the Cubs take game five of the World Series on Sunday night, while only about 18 million watched the NFC East rivalry game. The last time baseball managed to beat a Sunday Night football game was October 2011, when game 7 of the Cardinals/Rangers series beat out … an Eagles 34-7 win over the Cowboys.

NFL execs are downplaying the significance, but go read all of that again. More people are watching baseball than football. The Cowboys are the top team in the NFC. And the Cubs are in the World Series.

If that’s not a sign of the end times, then I clearly have misread all those sports references in the Book of Revelations.

QB: Derek Carr, 43.82 pts -- on Jo’s bench
WR: Amari Cooper, 23.53 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Jordan Howard, 26.57 pts -- on my bench
TE: Tyler Eifert, 17.80 pts -- started by me
K: Will Lutz, 16.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Denver, 25.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: Bradley Roby, 11.00 pts --on the wire

Don’t cry too long for Joanna and I -- she started the #2 QB on the week (Aaron Rogers, 41.84 pts) instead of Carr, and I started the #3 RB on the week (Jonathan Stewart, 21.67 pts) instead of Howard.

But the fantasy steal of the week was Chiefs QB and former Eagles signal caller Nick Foles, who threw for 223 yds, 2 TDs and a 135.2 QB rating on Sunday after starter Alex Smith was knocked out of the game. His 20.82 fantasy pts make him the 40th best QB of the year in just one start, vaulting him ahead of greats like Landry Jones, Robert Griffin and Geno Smith. Grab him while you can!


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Mark Ingram, -1.50 pts -- started by Sam
1st place: Wendell Smallwood, -2.50 pts -- on Mom’s bench

Well done, Wendell. While Ingram’s performance was the fantasy head scratcher of the week, Smallwood’s key fourth-quarter fumble gave the Cowboys a free field goal and just enough help to send the Eagles game into overtime. The Eagles now have three NFC losses and the inside track at losing every tiebreaker scenario if they somehow finish 10-6 again. So, we have that to look forward to.

Here is a list of actual headlines about Eagles wide receivers since Sunday:

** Nelson Agholor is tired of hearing about his drops
** Eagles' Josh Huff arrested on firearm, marijuana charges
** Terrell Owens tells the Eagles he's available to play WR
** Trade deadline passes with no Eagles activity

Awesome. For the record, the Eagles lead the league in dropped passes, with 6.6 percent (15 potential catches) of Carson Wentz’ throws bouncing harmlessly off receivers’ hands.

Sunday’s confounding 27-27 overtime stalemate between the Bengals and Maryland Racial Slurs was the 22nd tie in the NFL since the league introduced overtime in 1974 (in the 10 years prior to that, 60 games ended in a tie). But it was the second tie this season, giving NFL fanatics the excitement of the possibility of a three-tie season for the first time in 43 years.

This, of course, is the NFL’s dream.

Think about it. What are the two things league execs love more than everything else? More exposure and league parity. They already have games four days a week (Saturday games start in December). They already have football on for 11 hours on Sundays. They already have 15 teams within one game of .500, and no clear cut favorite except for the Patriots (and they’re trying to stop that too).

But ties are the best of all worlds -- both of the teams leave equal, and fans are forced to slog through another 45 minutes of meaningless football. It’s perfect! College football overtime is waaay too exciting and definitive. Who likes lots of scoring when you can have a strategic missed field goal contest instead?

If the Giants and Eagles can throw up a 13-13 overtime draw next week, the league office may need to stock up on heart medication to calm them down.


Did I mention the Cowboys beat the Eagles this week, in a game that was in the balance until the very end of overtime? And what does it mean when the demon spawn that is the Texas football squad secures an important win like that?

Dallas Cowboys win overtime thriller 
** We cry a trillion as evil mobs the world

It’s the end times, folks. When Jerry Jones somehow wins the election next week, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

** Took two more from Dad in our weekly picks this weekend, including a huge pick of New Orleans over Seattle that left Dad confounded and almost prepared to concede the entire season on account of my brilliance. I’m 75-41-2 right now (stupid ties) which is better than a 65 percent win prediction rate if you exclude the ties (which I do, because they don’t give me the option to select a tie on Yahoo picks, so I don’t see why I should be penalized for it).

** Game 7 of the World Series between the CUBS AND INDIANS c’mon people let’s just acknowledge we all had a good run and accept the end peacefully.

Week 8 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1025.86 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1016.50 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 982.02 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 965.85 pts
5 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 939.03 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 923.35 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 882.13 pts
8 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 848.01 pts
9 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 839.32 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 828.26 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 766.47 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 706.21 pts

Mike, Dad and Bob all tumbled down two spots, while Jo and I both made big moves by hopping up two spots in rankings. In her case, it puts her within shouting distance of Joel’s stranglehold on the top spot. In my case. it pulls me out of the deep, deep cellar of the league and within striking distance of mediocrity. Watch out, Paul, I’m coming for you next.

Six more teams on a bye this week, so be sure to check those rosters early. Even though there are almost no teams to play, the NFL is still forcing another Thursday night game down your throat.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 7 recap

 

QB Sam Bradford’s emotional return to Philly, where he played all of one season, did not disappoint the Eagles faithful on Sunday. The former #1 overall pick threw his first pick of the season, along with two fumbles and one TD pass in the Vikings surprise loss.

So now is a good time to look at what exactly Bradford’s tenure in Philly meant? Here’s what they gave up and got back for his short stint of mediocrity in town:

What the Eagles gave away:
-- QB Nick Foles
-- Eagles 2015 4th round pick
-- Eagles 2016 2nd round pick

What the Eagles got:
-- One year rental of QB Sam Bradford
-- Rams 2015 5th round pick
-- Rams 2016 4th round pick
-- Vikings 2017 1st round pick
-- Vikings 2018 4th round pick

That final 2018 pick could become a higher round pick if the Vikings reach the conference championship.

All in all, that’s not a bad exchange for the birds, who turned a 2nd, 3rd (Foles) and 4th round pick into two 1st rounders (including Bradford), two 4th rounders and a 5th rounder. But I still had to watch Bradford play for a year, so I’m considering the whole thing a failure.

QB: Andrew Luck, 33.82 pts -- started by me
WR: Davante Adams, 27.30 pts -- on the wire
RB: Melvin Gordon, 31.33 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jack Doyle, 15.70 pts -- on Paul’s bench
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 26.00 pts -- on Bob’s bench
D: Landon Collins, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Second week in a row that Dolphins RB Jay Ajayi rushed for more than 200 yards and was not the top fantasy RB for the week. Since the start of the month, he has amassed 460 yards rushing and four TDs. His 71.33 fantasy pts in three games is better than the season total for Eagles RB Ryan Mathews, Packers RB Eddie Lacy and Raiders RB Latavius Murray. And he even forced Arian Foster into retirement this week.

On a related note, I was absolutely positive Janikowski had retired. He just started his 17th season in the NFL, which is just ridiculous. He’s one of only three players from that year’s draft still in the league, including punter Shane Lechter and some late-round QB prospect named Brady.


“Familiar names” edition

3rd place: Larry Donnell, -0.47 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Aaron Burbridge, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Matt Barkley, -0.86 pts -- on the wire

Good old Matt Barkley, drafted in the 4th round of the 2013 draft by the Eagles and at the time considered something of a steal, considering he would have been a first rounder if he had left school a year earlier. He was pressed into mop-up duty after Bears starting QB Brian Hoyer broke his arm on Sunday, and Barkley … was not great. It was his fifth appearance in an NFL game, and his third with at least two turnovers. For his NFL career, he has 9 turnovers, zero TD passes, and a fantasy total of -2.76 pts.

The Bears do not plan on starting him again Sunday.

** DJ Durkin was a Michigan assistant last year when the Wolverines had a punt blocked, then returned 38 yards for a game-losing score against the Michigan State Spartans last year. This season he’s a coach on the Maryland team, and was asked before the Terrapins game against Michigan State about that unbelievable turn-around, a game many pundits have called one of the top few shocking endings in collegiate history. His response:

“That game will go down, I’m sure, for a long time as a memorable game in college football.”

Way to take the excitement out of the room, coach. A 24-21 game with two 4th quarter scores is “a memorable game.” You can use bigger adjectives for legendary comeback wins.

** The Washington Post had its NBA preview section on Tuesday, and listed the best-case and worst-case scenario for all 30 teams. Best case for the Cleveland Cavaliers and Golden State Warriors was to win the championship next spring. The worst case for both teams? Losing in the NBA finals. They didn’t bother to entertain the possibility of another team making the finals.
So, don’t worry about tuning in to the NBA season until May. Apparently there isn’t even a theoretical scenario where it’s not a rematch of last season.

A lot of ink has been spilled on why NFL ratings are down this season, particularly among the marquee Sunday and Monday night games. Many have speculated it’s because they haven’t been compelling games, but that’s only part of the story. In fact, what’s happening is they’re boring viewers away early.

In 15 Sunday and Monday night games so far this year (remember, they had two Monday night games the first week because the NFL hates you), only four times have the teams combined for more than 20 first-half points. That’s a lot of not scoring for games where halftime usually hits around 10:15 p.m. on the East Coast.

In 12 of the games, one of the teams failed to score a first half TD. In two of those, neither team scored a touchdown before late-night TV started. That includes the dreadful four-hour-plus 6-6 tie between the Seahawks and Cardinals this week.

It’s not a matter of folks not tuning in. There’s just no reason for them to stay tuned in for the first few hours before they fall asleep.

This doesn’t apply to the Thursday night games. Viewership is down there because it’s a lousy night for NFL viewing.


The Cowboys come out of their bye week Sunday with a big NFC East showdown against the upstart Philadelphia Eagles, and they’ll have some extra weaponry when it happens: WR Dez Bryant is expected to play for the first time in weeks. That could be the difference in a tight contest, giving the edge to … the Eagles, since Dez is full of hatred and evil and will poison his sidelines. Still think he can burn up the field with his now healed knees?

A healthy Dez Bryant returns for Dallas
** Bad flare: Lazy trash head runs rottenly

Remember, you can’t spell Dez Bryant without “zybra dent” with is both an insult to referees and just objectionable millennial spelling effects.

** I took two more from Dad this week to go up three in our weekly picks. And he even picked Oakland right this week. And, yes, of course we both picked the Eagles. Never had a doubt.

** I’m finding the NFL more relaxing since the Cubs made the World Series, because now I know the universe is going to end before the Super Bowl rolls around again.

Week 7 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 909.68 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 908.40 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 861.56 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 847.01 pts
5 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 839.24 pts
6 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 834.45 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 781.14 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 746.57 pts
9 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 715.37 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 698.98 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 688.22 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 633.61 pts

Joel and Ant are starting to pull away from the field, but not from each other. Only 1.28 pts separate the top two teams, and everyone in the top six is still within 100 pts of first place.

The bottom half of the standings? It’s not so great. Our two-time reigning Awesome Cup Champion finds himself mired in 7th place, and that’s an improvement over recent weeks. I’m inching ever closer to catching Bob, but still 200-plus points away from the top of the heap.

But remember, we’re not even halfway through this marathon yet. Ten more weeks of fantasy await.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 6 recap

 

With all the understandable focus on Caron “Wentzylvania” Wentz this season, it’s easy to overlook some of the other key players on the Iggles roster for 2016. So before the season comes to a complete screeching halt, let’s take a gander at some of their nicknames:

** Nelson “Next Time” Agholor -- The promising young wideout promises he won’t drop the ball the next time you throw it his way.
** Nolan “The Detective” Carroll -- This CB know the most on the team about PI’s, with four pass interference penalties in five games.
** Halapoulivaati “The Revolver” Vaitai -- That’s not a firearm reference. Instead, it’s about his imitation of a revolving door when pass rushers approach.
** Mychal “Missed Tackle” Kendricks -- The starting LB is 10th on the team in tackles but first in gently brushing by opponents in the backfield.
** Lane “The Supplement” Johnson -- Like any good supplement, he brings extra strength and power to the offensive line. Yeah, that’s why that’s his nickname.

In other news, it’s possible the Eagles still have a lot of issues to resolve.

QB: Drew Brees, 40.60 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 28.80 pts -- started by Dad
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.13 pts -- started by Bob
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 20.30 pts -- started by Ant
K: Three players, 13.00 pts -- all on the wire
DEF: San Diego, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
D: David Irving, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Odell Beckham is well known for his sideline stunts and breakdowns, but you may not have known that his first name is actually Terrance. I wonder why he doesn’t go by T.O. … I mean, he’s already imitating that wideout's morale-killing talents.

Only one defense so far this season has recorded a blocked kick, a safety, a defensive TD and a special teams TD. That would be your Philadelphia Eagles, who have allowed 737 yards of offense to opponents in the last two weeks.

And we had a backup RB rush for 200-plus yards (Jay Ajayi) and not be the top performer fantasy-wise at his position this week.

So, I don’t know. Football is a cruel game.


“Just lousy” edition

3rd place: Keshawn Martin, -1.26 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jordan Taylor, -1.43 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Carolina, -3.00 pts -- started by Jeff

Carolina was assumed to be one of the better defenses in the league this year. But after a month and a half, they’re ranked 20th in fantasy points, and have surrendered more points on the season than all but two other teams (Cleveland and San Francisco). The Super Bowl losers are now 1-5 heading into their bye week, where they are four-point underdogs. Football is a cruel, cruel sport.

** Best ad of the week comes from Sport Illustrated, where the NFL Network took out a full page for their Thursday Night Football slate. “Anything can happen on Thursdays!” the ad exclaims.
And then they list the 13 upcoming games, four of which are on Sundays and Saturdays. So … I guess time travel can happen on Thursdays too?

** Far be it from me to ridicule the good folks at the Red Zone channel, who usually help me avoid hearing stupid commentary from better-paid announcers across the league every Sunday, but this week host Scott Hanson got his basic math screwed up in the excitement of two big finishes.

“So the Panthers find themselves down eight and need a touchdown and two-point conversion to tie this game. And over in the New York/Baltimore game, the Ravens find themselves in the same situation, needing a touchdown after the last Giants’ score put them up four.”

That’s not the same situation. One team needs five points to win, one needs eight to tie. If both teams somehow got a safety, the Ravens would be in great shape and the Panthers would have still been screwed.

For the record, both teams lost, as did we, the viewers.

College Gameday on ESPN always has the best signs, but when they hit schools that don’t traditionally get big prime-time games, they seem to get even better. So, when the Buckeyes traveled to Wisconsin this week, the Badgers’ faithful did not disappoint:

** “Urban Meyer, release your tax returns” -- Seems reasonable this late in the campaign.
** “Brutus killed Caesar” -- Sure, it’s 2,060 years late, but still relevant.
** “OSU drinks skim milk” -- That’s gross. Skim milk is gross.
** “Clinton deleted my funny sign” -- This presidential season is a gift to us all.
** “J.T. Barrett? More like JT Carrot” -- The sign had a picture of the QB as a carrot. Genius.
** “Bees are dying at an alarming rate” -- This is a serious, under recognized environmental problem.
** “OSU is not good at football” -- The 30-23 final score seemed to undercut that sign.


The Cowboys are 5-1, entering their bye week and cruising under the leadership of rookie signal caller Dak “Ack” Prescott. So, how is the Dallas braintrust dealing with the success? That’s right, they’re benching their rookie sensation as soon as possible to reinstall Tony “Toy Moron” Romo in as their starting QB. Will it work? Of course not. It’s as plain as the letters in the plan:

Tony Romo’s looming Cowboys return
** Cry on, tomboy: More routs, losing now

On the flip side, the over/under on Romo getting hurt again is about 10 plays, so maybe Pak Ascot will be back before you can miss him. ** Here’s the Eagles upcoming schedule: Next week they play the Vikings, who are coming off a bye; the following week they play the Cowboys, who are coming off a bye; after that they play the Giants, who are coming off a bye.
Screw you, NFL.

** Delaware lost to Maine on Saturday, fired its football coach on Sunday and we’re really done talking about them for the rest of 2016 now.

** I dropped two of three to Dad this week, so I’m now up only one in our weekly picks. Combined, the three games we picked different were decided by a total of six points. I don’t know what that means, but I feel like it means something.

Week 6 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 789.93 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 765.40 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 726.28 pts
4 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 720.56 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 708.86 pts
6 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 685.64 pts
7 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 678.34 pts
8 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 648.85 pts
9 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 640.98 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 605.46 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 599.08 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 536.19 pts

They said it couldn’t be done, but I’ve managed to claw my way out of second to last all the way up to … third to last. But I’m in spitting distance (theoretically) of Dad and Bob, and clearly primed to make a solid run over the last 11 weeks of the season.

Oh and also Joel is starting to run away with the league. No big deal.

Set your rosters early this week -- in addition to the bye weeks and the Thursday game, there’s another London game early Sunday morning too. This time it involves the Giants and Beckham. Hopefully they can leave him behind when they head back.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 5 recap

The presidential debates have made big headlines in recent weeks for a series of controversial quips and barbs from the two frontrunners, but few people know that the NFL invited the two nominees to square off on the top football issues in between all that political stuff. Here’s a partial transcript of that groundbreaking event:

** Why is Sam Bradford succeeding in Minnesota?
Clinton: This is an argument in favor of experience and calmness. Some teams need a game manager who has proven knowledge of the system, even if they lack charisma.
Trump: The whole system is rigged in favor of the incumbent quarterbacks. Plus, the Vikings aren’t as good as the media wants you to believe.

** Did Tom Brady’s punishment fit his crimes?
Clinton: Absolutely. Remember, he was suspended in part for destroying his phone to cover up incriminating texts. That kind of digital sloppiness is unacceptable.
Trump: The NFL claims their science backs up claims that the Patriots were deflating footballs, but science has no place in sports.

** How can the struggling Panthers bring their locker room back together?
Clinton: Cam Newton rubs a lot of folks the wrong way. Maybe they could bring in Michelle Obama to help shine up his image? I hear that works well.
Trump: Under the advice of counsel, I am not at liberty to discuss locker rooms right now. But believe me, I know what goes on in there.

** Who will win the Super Bowl this year?
Clinton: I’m predicting the Steelers over the Packers, two great traditional powerhouses with predictable offenses who can overcome these flash-in-the-pan upstarts.
Trump: The Dallas Cowboys. Who else but America’s team could make America great again?

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.20 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Sammie Coates, 24.73 pts -- on the wire
RB: David Johnson, 31.07 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Martellus Bennett, 25.47 pts -- on Mike’s bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Arizona, 20.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Vic Beasley Jr., 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Ant learned from his mistake last week and started Roethlisberger this Sunday. That’s two weeks atop the scoring board for Big Ben since his beat down in Philly, totaling 680 yds and 9 TDs in the last pair of contests. And that’s more passing TDs in October alone than all but six other QBs have for the season so far.

Meanwhile, Mike made the same TE mistake I did in another league: starting Kyle Rudolph over Bennett. Rudolph had 2 fantasy pts, while Bennett had three TDs on Sunday. Screw you, Sam Bradford. And screw you Tom Brady, just because.


“Crappy players you sort of know” edition

3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr., -0.13 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Landry Jones, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.30 pts -- on the wire

Speaking of Carolina WR Ginn, I watched the Panthers/Bucs game until the bitter end Monday night in the hopes of picking up some new jokes for this column and instead left with an unending sadness that made my eyes want to fall out. Only three TDs and three missed field goals over three hours will do that to you.

** After a fan in Toronto threw a beer can at a Texas player during the ALDS last week (what, you didn’t hear about that? Probably because it didn’t happen in Philly), Toronto officials announced they won’t sell cans in the stadium anymore and instead will only serve plastic cups of alcohol. And that’s a normal, sensible reaction to bad fan behavior ...

… or it would be, if that was their reaction when this exact same thing happened in the playoffs last year. Fans littered the field with beer cans for that series against the Rangers, and management responded by banning beer can sales for the uppermost seats only. The fans closest to the field still got metal projectiles for another year, because common sense.

Don’t be surprised if another incident happens in the ALCS and Toronto officials in response finally ban spears and throwing knives for the first time in stadium history.

** Following OT Lane Johnson’s upheld suspension Tuesday for using performance enhancing drugs, the Eagles announced they’ll start rookie OT Halapoulivaati Vaitai on Sunday. And that would make sense if they hadn’t made up that name with leftover letters from the jersey pile.

You may have had trouble watching October baseball this week, mostly because the Phillies aren’t involved so it doesn’t matter at all, but also because a bunch of the games were on second-rate sports channels like TBS and Fox Sports 1. Some fans complained that scheduling was ridiculous, especially given that many cable networks don’t include FS1 in their standard package. But, realistically, there wasn’t much MLB could do about it. Consider what the larger channels were playing Tuesday night opposite the key NL games:

** ESPN: NFL roundup
** ABC: Dancing with the Stars, featuring retired NFL players
** ESPN2: Sportscenter, featuring NFL plays from Sunday
** CBS: A special Tuesday preview of Sunday’s special edition of Thursday Night Football.
** ESPN News: Updates on NFL injuries
** NFL network: Football follies, with a scroll of baseball scores
** ESPNU: NCAA football roundup, featuring the future stars of the NFL
** FOX: Some crummy sitcom.


Despite doubts from the pundits, the Cowboys have started out this season strong, winning four in a row after an opening week loss to the Giants. But with so many rookies at key positions, can they keep up that success? Well, let’s turn to another rookie and see what he thinks:

Dallas Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Early wins mean zero. Choke? Sad local booing.

I’m sure there will be plenty of national booing to go along with the local booing.

** Another week, another game up on Dad in our picks. I’m plus two now, and pretty sure I’ve won the last three weeks solely because I keep picking Oakland and Dad keeps doubting them. I haven’t been this excited to see them win since the grand old days of Delaware alum Rich Gannon winning the MVP there.

** And that will be the extent of the Delaware discussion, given how terrible they are this year.

** Through the first four games of the Dodgers/Natinals series, almost one-third of Los Angeles’ runs (4 of 14) have been driven in by 2008 Philadelphia Phillies (Chase Utley and Carlos Ruiz). With Joe Blanton in the Dodgers bullpen and Jason Werth in the Natinals outfield, it’s the biggest reunion of Phillies greats since … maybe 2008, actually.

** Why didn’t the NFL have a London game on Columbus Day weekend? Aren’t there natural cross promotion things with that?

Week 5 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 663.77 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 645.41 pts
3 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 628.18 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 602.07 pts
5 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 589.80 pts
6 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 569.49 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 568.64 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 551.08 pts
9 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 542.75 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 525.84 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 493.09 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 417.91 pts

Huge, huge week for Joel, who posts 173+ pts and leaps into first place for the first time since … forever? I honestly can’t remember if Joel has ever been this high after the first month of the season.

I also don’t know if I’ve ever been this low. If it weren’t for MomDoyle’s team, I’d be embarrassingly behind the pack. I’m gonna blame this whole crappy season so far on DeSean Jackson and his cancerous influence on the rest of my team. Chip Kelly was right, you just can’t win with that guy.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 4 recap

 

Sunday was the end of the baseball season (no, they cancelled the postseason, nobody cares) and also marked an end of an era in Phillies baseball: Ryan Howard, the last remaining member of the 2008 World Series champion team, has played his last game for the Fightin’ Phils. So, this feels like a good time to take a look back at what the last decade of baseball has brought to the City of Brotherly Love, to appreciate what Howard did and stands for:

-- 29 All-Star appearances. Chase Utley led the way with six, but seven other Phillies had at least two selections.
-- Two MVPs (Howard in 2006 and Jimmy Rollins in 2007) and a Cy Young Award (Roy Halladay in 2010).
-- Three possible Hall of Famers. Utley and Halladay seem like locks, Cole Hamels is still working on an outside chance.
-- 7 seasons of .500 or better baseball, including a club-record 102 wins in 2011.
-- 10 postseason series appearances, with a record of 6-4 in those series.
-- 5 consecutive NL East titles.
-- One career redefining pinch-hit home run by Matt Stairs.
-- That 2008 World Series title.

Not a bad resume for the team. No matter what else Howard and the rest of them do (or don’t do) in their careers, they should always get free drinks in Center City.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 43.90 pts -- on Ant’s bench
WR: Julio Jones, 32.00 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: DeMarco Murray, 24.10 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Jordan Reed, 21.37 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mike Nugent, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Robert Alford, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Let’s talk about that 300-yard performance by Jones for a moment: His total for Sunday alone was better than the season stats for all but 14 other wideouts in the league. And yet as impressive as it was, how did he amass that many yards and only get one TD? It boggles the mind.

Also, Matt Ryan threw for more than 500 yards and honestly no one seems to care at all.


“Players who made me sad” edition

3rd place: Malcolm Johnson, -0.57 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Drew Stanton, -2.52 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts -- started by Ant

Wow -- as pointed out by Anthony, his defense went from being worth 38 pts last week to -4 this week. We in the professional fantasy football writing business refer to that as “a drop off.”

** Vikings K Blair Walsh has had a rough go of late, and after missing a field goal in the third quarter of Monday’s game, ESPN analyst Jon Gruden wondered how long he’ll keep his job. When Walsh returned to the field a few minutes, he offered this warning:

“He desperately needs this one or his coach and this crowd … will not like it.”

Lucky for Walsh, he hit the FG and the crowd did like it.

** It’s outside the realm of football, really, but I was listening to sports radio on Saturday and heard a cleaning company commercial start with “America is one of the greatest democracies in the history of the world and …”

And my first thought was, who are you couching for in this commercial? Are you really worried that Brits are going to hear this and no hire your local cleaning firm to fly across the ocean and tidy up their basements? Are a lot of your clients complaining that your services are fine but your historical analysis is poorly backed? Just call America the best every and take out the trash, folks.

Sunday was the NFL’s 15th game in London since the start of the 2007 season, meaning the league is just one away from a full slate’s worth over at Wembley Stadium. Most experts see it as a forgone conclusion that the American pastime will install a team permanently there in coming years, but thus far no clues have been released on what to call the first international franchise. But leaked memos obtained by this blog detail that a number of names are already under consideration:

** The London Bridges: With the number of pass interference penalties in the league nowadays, there will always be folks falling down.
** The London Separatists: Expect lots of American flags and Euro-centric history lessons from their mascot, the traitor George Washingon.
** The London Tigers: I mean, every fifth college team is named the tigers, so …
** The London Broils: Inspired by the Miami Heat, of course, but in a more ironic way given England’s chillier temperatures. Also, the team could be chewy if undercoached.
** The London Jaguars: I mean, they’re just gonna relocate that dreadful Jacksonville franchise anyway, so…


Another week, another Cowboys rookie reveals his character. This time it’s newbie defensive lineman Maliek Collins, who comes from Nebraska by way of the gates of Hades (or Texas, hard to tell them apart). Need proof? Just look at the clear message in his name:

Dallas Cowboys Defensive Tackle Maliek Collins
** Clown boasts: I like my evil cold and a feckless ale

Look, I’d understand if dude liked his beer cold and his evil incompetent, but the letters clearly say what they say.

** Another week, another one-game victory for me in the picks against Dad. I’ve now won the last three weeks in a row and sit one game up in our season standings. I’m not saying the contest is over already, but I’m not not saying that either.

** We had our first trade in forever last week! Dad and Paul swapped Drew Brees for Odell Beckham (and some other players, but whatever). And both players stunk this week. So the lesson learned here is … life is unfair?

** Ohio State football looks OK, I guess. I mean, they haven't scored fewer than 45 points in a game yet and through four games are outscoring opponents 228 to 37, but whatever.

Week 4 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 512.25 pts
2 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 506.24 pts
3 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 504.80 pts
4 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 489.52 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 481.09 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 458.94 pts
7 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 454.02 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 442.36 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 437.80 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 429.33 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 393.76 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 338.07 pts

Almost nobody moved in the standings this week. Sam changed his name again (we'll never know if that was a Twin Peaks reference now...) and leapfrogged Joanna, Jeff climbed a few spots, and I somehow drifted further behind.

But real football returns again next week with the Eagles bye done, so I expect and inspired performance from everyone then. Or at least just from Zach Ertz.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 3 recap

Analyzing the surprising first-place NFL teams:

-- NFC West, LA Rams: The new team in town didn’t score a TD in its first two games, then scored 37 this week and finds itself atop the division at 2-1 despite starting Case Keenum at QB. Pre-season favorite Arizona is 1-2 despite scoring 33 more points than the Rams.

-- AFC North, Baltimore Ravens: Coach Jim Harbaugh’s squad has scored four TDs in three games, second fewest in all of football, but stout defense has rendered that moot and given them a 3-0 start.

-- NFC South, Hotlanta Falcons: Another 3-0 team, the Falcons have outscored everyone else in the league but also surrendered the third-most points of any team. Still, they enjoy a two-game lead over the Super Bowl hangovered Panthers.

-- NFC East, Philadelphia Eagles: Behind rookie QB Carson Wentz, the 3-0 Eagles are SHUT UP SHUT UP DON’T JINX IT THIS MAKES NO SENSE SHUT UP SHUT UP.

QB: Trevor Siemian, 36.98 pts -- on the wire
WR: Marvin Jones, 28.67 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Devonta Freeman, 27.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Zach Miller, 21.20 pts -- on Sam’s bench
K: Dustin Hopkins, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 38.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Derrick Johnson, 13.50 pts -- started by Jim

Six QBs accounted for three or more TDs this week, and our coaches started all of them … except Siemian, the best one on the week.

But none of them topped the KC defense, which posted an ungodly line against the Jets: 3 points allowed, six interceptions, two fumble recoveries, two defensive TDs. And zero sacks. I mean, I guess the Jets didn’t have the ball enough to get sacked, but that’s just weird.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place:(tie) Kelvin Benjamin, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
3rd place:(tie) Rob Gronkowski, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Ryan Mathews, -0.50 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -2.28 pts -- on Sam’s bench

And here’s a look at the worst QB performances of the week:
-- Ben Roethlisberger: 257 yds, 1 int, 64.1 QB rating, team lost by 31. This was just your standard bad day.
-- Marcus Mariota: 214 yds, 2 int, 46.8 QB rating. Tennessee lost by 7, and if he was even half decent, they may have won.
-- You: 0 yards, 0 int, 39.5 QB rating. You did nothing, so we aren’t impressed at all.
-- Carson Palmer: 287 yds, 4 int, 36.0 QB rating. Dreadful. He would have performed better if he had never taken the field.
-- Ryan Fitzpatrick: 188 yds, 6 int, 18.2 QB rating. Fitzpatrick’s offense scored 3 points for the Jets and 7 for the Chiefs (55-yd interception return for a TD). Historically awful.

** I caught local DC ESPN radio the day after the Maryland Racial Slurs’ big win Monday morning just in time to hear former TE Chris Cooley’s analysis of the contest, titled, “Mmmms and eeeers of the game.” It’s exactly what it sound like, he grunted on the radio for five straight minutes.
“They came out in the second half and went right down the field and I was like, ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmm.’”
“Then they call a running play on third and my thought was “eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.”
“That left me ‘eeeeeeeeerrrr’ but then ‘mmmmmmm?’ when they move ahead with…”
I haven’t heard football radio noises that insightful since the great Myron Cope passed away. But in fairness, he had a terrible towel in his mouth at all times.

We’re four weeks into the college football season and we’ve already seen a host of dominant performances (Ohio State), controversial finishes (LSU vs. Auburn), and exciting upsets.

A lot of upsets, in fact. So many upsets you have to wonder if anyone grading these college teams have any idea how to rate anything.

Consider: 12 teams in the AP top 25 have lost in upsets in the first four weeks. Nine of them have lost to unranked teams. Seven have lost to teams at least 10 spots below them. One (Iowa) lost to a team in the division below the top collegiate ranks (North Dakota State, where Carson Wentz recently played.)

That means just a month into the year, the braintrust behind the college football rankings have failed at their jobs almost half the time. Only five of the top 10 teams in the pre-season rankings are still there four games later. Ten teams have dropped out of the top 25 altogether in that span.

Why do we have rankings again? If we just want to post a list of teams with big boosters and routine overhype, we can use the same list every year and save everybody time. Alabama, Ohio State, Notre Dame, USC and Florida State are the top five at the start of next year. Done. Don’t worry about recruiting classes and returning schemes and all the other nonsense.

I’m just saying, we could save ourselves hours of worthless ESPN programming if we adopted the “AP top 25 hyped rankings” and just enjoy the early season football.


All of the Cowboys rookie attention so far this season has been focused on RB Ezekiel Elliott and QB Dak Prescott, given their early season success/penchant for unrepentant evil. But they’re far from the only newbies worth noting. Consider RB Darius Jackson, picked up by Dallas in the sixth round and so far relegated to only a minor role on the team. Why not use him more? Why hasn’t the team tried to exploit his talents to their fullest potential? Unless …

Dallas backup Darius Jackson
** I suck as bad as a junk crap doll

Maybe we’re just not using the right title for him here. Let’s try…

Cowboys backup Darius Jackson
** Coward pony: I suck, job sucks. Baa.

OK, that seems bad, but if we change it over to...

Dallas Cowboys special teams player Darius Jackson
** Alas, as a joyless corpse. I suck at my place in bad world.

He seems like he’s having a bad day. Maybe we’ll come back later.


** Boom. Another 2-1 week against Dad, and we’re all tied up for the season. It’s like the whole year is brand new and the Eagles still haven’t turned over the ball even once. Oh wait, they haven’t? Well then...

** More fun with stats: Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,664 yds this year and not win a single game. That may be harder than winning the championship.

** Remember when I asked for the football season to stop last week, because things were going so good? I wasn’t serious. What’s up with a week 4 college bye for the Buckeyes and a week 4 pro bye for the Eagles? Could the schedulers screw them any more?

Week 3 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 408.87 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 383.42 pts
3 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 366.26 pts
4 -- TheWrong Palmer Died (Sam), 363.61 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 361.13 pts
6 (tie) -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 353.56 pts
6 (tie) -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 353.56 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 342.79 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 340.94 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 335.31 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 314.63 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 236.48 pts

Lots to unpack here:

-- Anthony vaults way up the rankings to first after a ridiculous 178-pts week led by his new QB, Carson Wentz (and a little help from that 38-pts week from the KC defense.)
-- Two teams renamed themselves -- Bob is now “Last exit 2 Kutztown,” a tribute to the classic Simpsons episode where Homer is elected union president, and Sam is now known as “TheWrong Palmer Died,” clearly a tribute to the untimely death of President David Palmer in the classic 24. I guess he was hoping for a sports Palmer to die instead? Who knows.
-- Speaking of Bob, we have our first tie in the standings ever! It’s good to know three weeks in, through the magic of random scoring, we had two teams hit exactly the same to the hundredths of a point.
-- We’re just not gonna talk about my team or Mom’s team until next week, maybe. It depends if we lose during our bye too.