We've got the same set of coaches from last year's campaign and the standard modified NBA draft order system that has served us so well the past five years. The only change this year is Joanna's role as assistant for the sacred picking of the names. Since she'd just get the whole thing pregnanted up, Junior Awesome stepped up this year to begin his work maintaining and conquering the league. He'll be serving as my team's offensive coordinator this year, and he's ready to pick the first name out of the hat to start the season ...
11th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Lousy kid. His first act with the league is to stick me with the worst pick possible. When I asked if he thought we'd have a Super Bowl contender or a lottery team for our fantasy squad, he said "lottery." Then he asked for juice. No game awareness in this kid yet.
10th pick -- Paul
Paul ends up getting the shaft, falling four places in his projected draft order. When asked what to expect from "I heart WRs" this year, Junior responds with "His team is bad because he has no one." True, but it's still pre-draft, so that's a bit unfair.
9th pick -- Sam
Last year's champ moves up a few places, and will pick one slot higher than he did last August. I'm predicting another strong year from him, but Junior says that he likes "the team with the red shirts." He is quickly corrected to say "kelly green" instead.
8th pick -- Jeff
"It's a hat show!" Junior says excitedly when he picks out Jeff's name. I try and explain that "Blue Collar Killers" is at best a shirt party, but to no avail. Either way, Jeff ends up picking exactly where he would if this was a normal draft arrangement.
7th pick -- Jim
When told that Jim used to play football in college, Junior responds by patting me on the arm and whispering "I'm going to eat you." I like the killer instinct, but he's gonna have to channel this rage better.
6th pick -- Pop
Now Junior is legitimately excited. I tell him his grandfather is going to be thrilled that he moved up three spots because of his name picking skills, and he smiles like Dan Snyder when an overpriced free agent comes to visit. Also, now he wants to go see Pop.
5th pick -- Joanner
"Mommy, we picked your name!" It's like the Super Bowl in here right now. Why couldn't he have used some of this luck and excitement when our team was still in the hat? I think he's actually Tebowing right now. No, wait, he just lost his balance again.
4th pick -- Ant
And now he picked out "the Godfather." It's probably not enough to steal Shady McCoy for Anthony's team, but Junior feels like he did his part. LaDanian Tomlinson will definitely still be available.
3rd pick -- Mike
That's a high spot for the two-time Awesome Cup champion, but he had a pretty miserable year in 2013. Junior wants to know if his cousin's name is in there too. When I say no, he wants to go play with cars. When I remind him how important this is ... he still wants to play with cars.
2nd pick -- Joel
That leaves only one team left, and the excitement is overwhelming. Junior's eyes are as big as Eli Manning's on a third and long. He's also as accurate too -- he just threw a pillow that hit me square in the head, but I think he was aiming for the other couch.
1st pick -- Bobert
The professor has his youngest student to thank for the top pick in this year's draft. It's only fair -- Last year, he picked dead last, so this year he gets the other extreme. I thank Junior for a job well done, he responds by flopping over like Robert Griffin on a routine QB slide.
That's the draft order, folks. Set your player rankings by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.
While you're at it, switch your team names to something funnier. Right now Joel is in the lead with "Car full of Clowneys" but I appreciate Sam's "King Hippo" avatar too. Just know that he's gonna go down in a heap when the time comes.
And one final reminder: Here's what you're all playing for:
