Fantasy league 2020 -- week 14 recap

Trying to explain the Eagles’ (13th best record in the NFC coming into the game) improbable win over the Saints (best record in the NFC coming into the game) on Sunday:

** Maybe the absence of QB Drew Brees is a bigger loss for New Orleans than is has seemed in recent weeks, and Sunday was the day the offense missed him the most and the defense .. got depressed and also stunk?

** Maybe after cornering the market on terrible play all year, the NFC East began emitting bad vibes to the rest of the league in the last month, which would also explain the division’s 5-3 record over the last two weeks?

** Maybe the refs accidentally reversed the score in the fourth-quarter, and the Eagles actually lost 21-24, which would be in line with the rest of the season?

** Maybe 2020 realized that New Orleans was the one part of the country not hating every part of life right now and had to make a correction?

** Maybe with a marginally competent QB, the Eagles could have been a playoff contender this year?

QB: Lamar Jackson, 36.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Tyreek Hill, 21.97 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.97 pts — started by Paul
TE: Travis Kelce, 19.07 pts — started by Jeff
K: Rodrigo Blankenship, 14.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: (tie) LA Rams, 24.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: (tie) Maryland Football Squad, 24.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Haason Reddick, 18.50 pts — on the wire

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers had 36.90 pts, which was great because I had to redo this part of the column at the last minute on Tuesday for a whopping 0.02 pts difference. 

Maryland Football Squad DE Chase Young had an unbelievable game on Sunday: Two tackles, one sack, two passes defended, a forced fumble, a 47-yard fumble recovery touchdown. And he doesn’t make the list of top performers. That’s because Reddick, a linebacker for Arizona, had five sacks — 1-2-3-4-5 sacks — and three forced fumbles in the game against the Giants.

Titans RB Henry rushed for 215 yds on Sunday, his second 200-plus rushing game of the season, and now sits atop the league with 1,532 yds on the ground this season. He’s 180 yds ahead of the second-place rusher (Dalvin Cook) and nearly 500 yds ahead of the only other player to top 1,000 yds so far this season (Jaguars RB James Robinson, and I have no idea how we’re talking about a Jacksonville player on any top players list).

With just three games left in the season, there’s realistically only a chance for six more RBs to hit that 1,000-yds rushing mark (800 yds or more so far). Meanwhile, 10 wideouts have already passed that mark, and 12 more are within 200 yds of that mark. I’m starting to feel like it might be a passing league now…

“Loser defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Detroit, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Las Vegas, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Strong outing by the Raiders, who just a few weeks ago looked poised to upset the Chief and make the playoffs. Since losing that game by 4 pts to the defending Super Bowl champs, Las Vegas has dropped three more in a row, including a drubbing by the Colts where they recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and gave up 44 pts. They’re defense has been worth -7 fantasy pts in the last four games, and they’re now tied with the Lions for the worst fantasy total for the season, with 21 pts.

But, even with all of that, both of those teams may still have had a better game than the Jets, who played so poorly that Seattle benched its starters after reaching a 37-3 lead … with three minutes left in the third quarter. The Jets faced second- and third-stringers for the final 18 minutes of game time and still got outscored 3-0.

I’m starting to suspect that the 0-13 Jets aren’t very good.


** Buffalo RB Jaret Patterson surpassed 1,000 rushing yards in just his fifth game of the season on Saturday. During the CBS halftime show, college football analyst Rick Neuheisel noted that achievement was “the earliest anyone has ever rushed for 1,000 yards in, um, some time.”

Thanks for the insight there. Pretty much the only job of the halftime hosts is to give stats and scores. Patterson actually set a new NCAA record with those rushing totals, something that seems pretty easy for a massive operation with an entire research staff. After all, they have … (checks notes) … some millions at their disposal to look up their stuff.

** At the start of Sunday’s Dolphins-Chiefs game, CBS analyst and one-time extra-point fumbler Tony Romo listed his keys for each team to win the game. Atop the list for Miami: “Throw outside the numbers.” Atop the list for Kansas City: “Make Miami throw outside the numbers.”

Oddly enough, neither team really followed the advice and one of them still won.

** Following Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks, which made the Jets 0-13, QB Sam Darnold said he isn’t sure what his future with the team is but “I love it here. I love the people here. I've always said it, that I want to be a Jet for life.”

I can’t decide if it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or just the saddest.

Playoff clinching scenarios for week 15: 

— The Steelers win the AFC North if they defeat the Bengals on Monday night.

— The Saints can clinch the NFC South if they defeat the Chiefs on Sunday afternoon.

— The Titans can clinch the AFC South with a win over the Lions and the cancellation of the Colts final three games because of the pandemic.

— The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win over the Cardinals and the league invalidating all of the Giants and Maryland Football teams’ wins because of social distancing protocols.

— The Jets can clinch a playoff berth if the pandemic kills off at least 18 other teams.

— The Patriots can win the Super Bowl if the league cancels the season and hands them the trophy again, which, honestly, is exactly where it feels like we’re heading this year.

The Cowboys, losers of six of their last seven games and desperate for a jolt of energy, promoted CB Saivion Smith to the active roster this week to help shore up their sagging defense. Officials are hopeful his positive attitude can help ignite a spark. But remember what positive energy means to the most evil team in sports history — here’s what Smith thinks of the squad:

Dallas backup Cornerback Saivion Smith
** A crock, a sham. Bad vision, blacken lip rust

Remember, you can’t spell Saivion without “I so vain.” Or was it “I no visa.” Whatever.

** Good news for Dad: He finally won a week! The old man went 3-1 against me to drop his deficit in the season picks to a mere 12 games. Only his unrelenting faith in New Jersey teams (this time, the Giants) kept him from going 4-0. If he can keep up the current pace, he’ll draw to a tie with me in six weeks. And with how the season has gone so far, there really is no guarantee that we won’t have three extra weeks of football to make up for missed games...

** NFL owners will meet Wednesday to talk about expanding the regular season to 17 games next year. That number is seen as a potential sweet spot for teams because it would allow for two bye weeks over the course of the season, which could mean more rest for players which could mean that money money money money money money money.

** Pro Bowl voting ends on Thursday, so this is your last chance to vote for Dolphins LB Andrew Van Ginkle to make the team. Also, let me know if you need a “Ginkle makes you go Rip Van Winkle!” shirt, I may have overestimated demand for them.

Week 14 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1858.58 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1760.87 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1739.70 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1727.72 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1704.95 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1661.65 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1570.62 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1559.60 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1493.80 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1396.58 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1176.10 pts

A huge, huge week for the Garbage Bags sends my squad rocketing up the standings and leaves me out of first place by a mere … 97 pts. Ouch. Mike’s squad continues to pour it on and is now 100-plus pts clear of everyone (except me, as I just mentioned), a comfortable (but not insurmountable) lead down the stretch of the NFL season.

Jeff and Bob remain within striking distance of silver medal place. Jo and Sam are both beginning to face after some mid-season spark. Everybody else is as far back from first as they are from outrushing Derrick Henry this year.

Good news for this week: Not only is there an inconvenient Thursday night game to watch, but there are two Saturday night games as well. That’s three weirdly timed games where you can forget to set your players and lose the week before it even starts! So, remember to check those rosters early.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 13 recap

On Sunday, following the Eagles fourth straight loss, Philly QB Carson Wentz (who had been benched for poor play in the second half) was seen on the sidelines talking to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, who a few moments earlier threw the 400th TD pass of his sure-to-be Hall of Fame career. On-field microphones did not pick up details of the conversation, but our inside sources managed to get a few snippets of what they talked about:

** Rodgers: “Don’t worry about sitting on the bench. I did that for my first three years, and you have a lot of time to nap and stretch over there ...”

** Wentz: “I noticed that when your receivers weren’t open, you threw the ball over to the sidelines? Why? Aren’t you supposed to try and run through the entire defense yourself?”

** Rogers: “That Hurts guy seems OK. I mean, he looks like he has seen a football before, unlike, you know, some other people.”

** Wentz: “Hey, what’s it like having an offensive line?”

** Rodgers: “So, have you tried, like, not sucking? That might help.”

QB: Josh Allen, 38.10 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by me
RB: David Montgomery, 23.80 pts — started by me
TE: Darren Waller, 31.83 pts — started by Mike
K: Harrison Butker, 17.50 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 36.00 pts — on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Adams and Montgomery each had a pair of TDs on Sunday, but got upstaged by Waller’s 200-yd, two-TD performance in the Raiders’ win. Through the first 11 weeks of the season, there was only one 200-yd receiving performance (Seahawks WR Tyler Lockett in week 7). Now we’ve had back-to-back weeks with one, following Chiefs WR Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous 269 in week 12.

This is the third time in the last four weeks the top defense has come from the waiver wire garbage pile. The Patriots against the Chargers managed three sacks, two turnovers, a blocked kick which turned into a TD and a punt return for another. Oh, they also pitched a shutout. New England’s defense had been worth 35 pts over its last eight games combined, so, sure I guess we should have seen that coming.

“On the bench” edition

3rd place: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, -0.40 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Tennessee, -4.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -5.00 pts — on Jo’s bench

I know I’ve written this before, but the Titans as a team are confounding this year. In their last nine weeks, their defense has been worth 9 pts or more (good!) three times and worth less than zero pts (bad!) four times. And they won one of those games when their team let up 36 pts (week 6, vs Houston). They’re s shoo-in for the playoffs and also a possible one-and-done candidate if they have an off game on the wrong postseason day. Or they could make the AFC championship game again,

Special shout-out to Wentz, who scored 4.96 fantasy pts in what may be his last start of the year. It was the fourth lowest score of all 34 QBs who took a snap this week.

** On Sunday, Phillies executive John Middleton responded to rumors the team was considering trading Pitcher Zack Wheeler by telling reporters “If they offered me Babe Ruth, I wouldn't trade him.” He then added Ted Williams and Mike Schmidt too, saying that Wheeler was not being shopped.

Look, I think Wheeler is a solid player. But if we can go back in time and get any of those three hitters, it is definitely worth considering. Wheeler has a career ERA of 3.70. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. That’s really a trade that feels one-sided in favor of the Phillies.

** ESPN’s College Football Twitter account put out this Tweet on Monday: “Justin Fields had over 300 yards of total offense on Saturday. The Buckeye QB did what he had to do to keep the Buckeyes' CFP hopes alive.”

“Did what he had to do” is an odd way of saying “scored four TDs before getting pulled in the second half of a blowout victory,” but whatever.

** There’s a new trivia game show titled “The Chase” starring Jeopardy champions Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter and James Holzhauer. It pits contestants against them head-to-head and asks “can you take them down?”

No. I mean, why would I think I could? They’re three of the top Jeopardy champs. This isn’t “are you smarter than a fifth grader?” I might be able to get those snotty kids. But these guys? No.

Actual items for sale on NFL.com right now:

Cowboys 5-Pack Set of Shatterproof Ornaments ($17.59) — These will not break, unlike the Cowboys QBs this season.

Lions Santa Gnome ($19.99) — May or may not be a candidate for Detroit’s open head coaching job.

Seahawks Holiday Team Snowman Bed Pillow ($27.99) — Helps you drift off into a gentle rest, sort of like Seattle’s playoff dreams.

Bears Holiday Snowman Plush ($19.99) — It’s as soft as the Bears’ fourth quarter defense.

Eagles Glitter Wood Stump Ornament ($7.19) — It doesn't do much, it’s not fun to look at and it costs too much.

Giants Chimney Legs Tabletop Bobble Statue ($15.99) — It’s an ornament with a pair of Santa legs sticking out of a chimney. It’s the perfect metaphor for the team: They’re both incompetent and at the top of the heap. 

Even on a team such as the Cowboys, where the wanton evil runs rampant throughout the organization every day, the long season can wear players down. That’s especially true for specialty players like kickers, who don’t have much to do most days except hone their one particular subset of football skill. So what do they think of when their minds wander, looking to fulfill exciting dreams? For Punter Hunter Niswander, there’s an easy answer:

New Dallas Cowboys P Hunter Niswander
** Lo, now a wish: Bleed scorn, punt nerds away

Good to know that even their less important players are focused on hurting people and spreading ill-will in this holiday season.

** Brutal Sunday for Dad, who lost all three of the games we picked differently and fell to 14 down in the yearly standings of our head-to-head predictions contest. And yet again, one of the losses was a heartbreaker: The Bears choking away a lead to the Lions with less than a minute to go. I don't get all the games right, but I'm killing the old man in the toss-ups this year. 

** The Cleveland Browns are likely to be the #5 seed in the AFC when the playoffs start, given that they are three games behind the Steelers in the AFC North standings. But perhaps they deserve a higher seed and someone else’s home playoff game, since they’re already 4-0 against the NFC East and 4-0 against the AFC South this season.

** If the Eagles play their cards right, they could end up tied with the Bengals again … for the third overall pick in next year’s draft. Right now, only one win separates them.


Week 13 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,706.80 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,647.89 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,611.20 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1,602.67 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,595.75 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,546.35 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,449.68 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,424.22 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,386.14 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,296.34 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,083.71 pts

Mike’s starting QB and WR were on byes this week, and it didn’t matter: He still topped 150 pts and widened his grip on first place. With just four weeks left, he has a 60-pts lead on the field.

But … another solid week from me puts my garbage team in striking distance, along with Bob, Jo and Jeff. Sam’s team is fading but not completely gone yet. Everybody else is playing for pride.

Speaking of pride, the pride and joy of the NFL — the unnecessary Thursday night game — is back again this week. Patriots vs. Rams. Get your rosters set, even if your DVR isn’t.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 12 recap

As I write this, week 12 of the football season is not over. In fact, it may never be over. The Ravens-Steelers game, originally scheduled for Thanksgiving Night, then pushed back to Sunday, then delayed until Tuesday, is now tentatively scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. The Ravens were originally scheduled to play the Cowboys this Thursday night, but now Baltimore won’t play then, unless there is another delay in the Steelers game, in which case maybe the two teams play this Thursday?

So, in an effort to bring sanity to the league, I am declaring week 12 over. All weekly payouts will be settled tonight (expect your $0 checks to arrive in the mail in five to 17 weeks). Tomorrow has been declared week 12.5, which means nothing fantasy wise, other than I will not wait to post this recap.

But to calm your concerns, I want you know that the uncertainty of this week does not in any way take the shine off of the Awesome Cup, or its legacy. In fact, it may strengthen it and make it gleam even brighter. Can the NFL’s bumbling hurt the greatest prize in all of sports? Can a few sick Ravens dim the eternal light that streams from its surface? No, of course not. The problems of mere mortals cannot harm this gift the gods of football have bestowed upon us.

So remember, no matter how dark, how confusing this season is, the Awesome Cup remains our beacon of guidance, our singular driving force to persevere through 2020. It is there for the taking, if you are strong enough. It is our hope.

And it’s also a reminder to check in during the week to see what screwiness is happening with the games next Sunday, because it’s gonna be a mess on your rosters.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 41.14 pts — started by Jo
WR: Tyreek Hill, 42.43 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 37.27 pts — started by Paul
TE: Robert Tonyan, 12.97 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Younghoe Koo, 21.00 pts — started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jeremy Chinn, 21.50 pts — on the wire

Buckle up, folks. This is wild.

First, here’s who didn’t make the top performers list: QB Patrick Mahomes, who threw for 462 yds and three TDs (5 fantasy pts behind Watson); RB Antonio Gibson, who ran for three TDs on Thanksgiving against the Cowboys (4 fantasy pts behind Henry); WR Will Fuller, who had 171 receiving and two TDs on Thanksgiving (12 pts behind Hill). Forget about Seahawks WR DW Metcalf, he had a pedestrian 10 catches for 177 yds and no TDs.

Henry rushed for 178 yds and three TDs to erase Gibson’s performance, Mahomes’ game wasn’t enough to blot out Watson’s four TDs and 318 passing, and Hill obliterated everything this week. His 13 catches for 269 yds and three TDs were the best fantasy performance by a wideout since 2000 (when Jacksonville WR Jimmy Smith had 15 catches for 291 yds and three TDs).

And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.

Atlanta came into the game against the Raiders — who had scored 30-plus points in five of their last six games — having scored only 23 defensive points in their previous 10 games. They had 31 on Sunday: five sacks, five turnovers, one defensive TD and only six pts allowed.

And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.

That belongs to Panthers CB Chinn, who had seven tackles and scored a TD on a QB fumble returned for a TD at the start of the third quarter of his team’s game against the Vikings. Then, on the next offensive play, Chinn picked up a fumble by Vikings RB Dalvin Cook and returned that for another TD.

That’s touchdowns on consecutive plays for a defensive back, the first time ever in NFL history. It put him in the top 25 of all fantasy players this week, offense or defense. And by the way, Chinn is a rookie.

“Everybody sucks” edition

3rd place: KJ Hamler, -0.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Patrick Laird, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kendall Hilton, -2.78 pts — on the wire

Five defenses scored negative points this week, including the Bears, who had a rock-bottom -6.00 pts performance. But the offenses beat them this week.

That’s because nine offensive players — NINE! — were in the fantasy red this week (and that’s before the maybe-Wednesday game is played).

Hilton, Broncos practice squad WR who was forced to play QB after the league ruled FOUR Broncos quarterbacks ineligible due to covid (but refused to postpone the game, for reasons), led the way for the worst players of the week with a miserable line of nine attempts, one completion for 13 yds, and two INTs. That’s a QB rating of 0.00, which is as bad as you can do. In his defense, he is not a QB.

Teammate and fellow WR-not-QB Hamler also got in on the fun, rushing twice for -8 yds. Titans QB Logan Woodside (who I have never heard of before this moment) knelt three times for -5 yds to end his team’s victory and score -0.50 pts. Falcons QB Matt Schaub (who made the Pro Bowl in 2009 and I thought retired the next year) similarly scored -0.40 pts. Three other wideouts and a Cleveland TE rounded out the rest of the loser list for the week.

** In 2017, when then Bengals QB Andy Dalton led a win over the Ravens in the final week of the season, Buffalo fans donated thousands to his charity as a thank-you for helping the Bills get into the playoffs with the upset win.

Earlier this year, Bills fans again donated in droves to Buffalo QB Josh Allen’s charity just days after the passing of his grandmother, a move the QB called emotionally energizing.

And on Sunday, NFL.com reported, since his Thanksgiving Day win over the Lions, Texans QB DeShaun Watson has seen thousands in donations from Detroit fans to his charity “as a show of appreciation for Watson's four-touchdown performance” against the home team.

Um, no. Following Watson’s blockbuster fantasy day and the resulting embarrassing Detroit loss, team owners fired both GM Bob Quinn and head coach Matt Patricia. Those donations aren’t “appreciation” of a good QB performance, they are a fan base saying thank-you for getting rid of incompetent managers.

The league-owned website said the new wave of generosity was “just like” the Dalton and Allen situations. Don’t sugar-coat it, NFL.com. This is a total screw-you donation, not a heartwarming story of the love of football.

** Ahead of the weekend’s games, NFL.com listed Raiders QB Derek Carr as the #8 passer in the league, with all of their fantasy experts saying he was a clear top-10 player. “If this is a prove-it year for Derek Carr, he's doing just that.”

On Sunday, Carr passed for 215 yards, threw one interception returned for a TD and fumbled away the ball three other times against that anemic Falcons defense I mentioned before.

So, yeah, he proved something.

Remember that Broncos game where the fifth-string practice-squad QB had to start? Here’s a look at the first 15 offensive plays for Denver in that game: 

Five plays, 22 yds, punt
Three plays, -2 yds, punt
Three plays, 6 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
One play, -1 yd (partial series)

That’s 26 yds on 15 plays, or slightly less than 2 yds a play. NFL analysts rightly attacked the game as a joke, saying it was unfair to refer to the Broncos as playing “professional” football given their complete lack of offensive talent.

And yet, there was another team that had an even worse opening this week:

Three plays, 5 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
Three plays, -11 yds, punt
Three plays, -4 yds, punt
Three plays, 8 yds, punt

That’s 15 plays for a total of -1 yd, a truly remarkable achievement for a team that has a former Pro Bowl QB, a former Pro Bowl center and four wideouts drafted in the first two rounds on its current roster.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present your 2020 Philadelphia Eagles. They’re scored 17 points in each of their last three games, and absolutely no one knows how it wasn’t zero each time.

The annual Cowboys Thanksgiving day game was a rare reason for celebration this year, as the Dallas team was embarrassed by the Maryland nameless squad 41-16 in front of a national audience. The result came as a surprise to many, as the home Cowboys were favored in the match up. But, naturally, it shouldn’t have been a shock, because the result was clearly spelled out in the name of the event itself:

** Cowboys traditional Thanksgiving game
It’s dog-beating TV. Choking away is normal

Please do not beat your dogs just because the Cowboys are on TV. It’s not their fault.


** Another week, another win over Dad. I went 2-1 in my picks against him, extending my season lead to 11 with just five weeks of football left. In keeping with my streak of last-second victories, I gained a point when the Vikings scored their winning TD in the final 30 seconds of their game against the Panthers. I’m pretty sure I have a losing record against the spread this year, but I’m picking winners straight up at almost a 70-percent clip.

** Good news for the Penn State crowd, who on Saturday got to see their team finally win a game this year. And even better news — since they’re 1-5, they have the six games played to qualify for the conference championship. At the rate the Big Ten is going, they may end up there by default. That’s the best kind of championship game invite!

** I’m not absolving Wentz in any way here, but the Eagles passed up reasonable second-half FG attempts in the Seattle game, the Ravens game and the Browns game. They lost the first two games by three points, the last one by five points.

There’s an alternate universe with the same bad QB play and coaching that isn’t actively bad where the Eagles are 6-4-1. There’s another with mediocre QB play and mediocre coaching where the team is 8-3.

Week 12 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1549.57 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1526.18 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1492.11 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1482.57 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1470.94 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1415.11 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1333.84 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1305.50 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1272.81 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul). 1209.38 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 994.65 pts

Big weeks for Mike (147 pts) and Bob (169 pts!) toss their teams back at the top of the standings, although it should be noted that Jo’s Pittsburgh defense could give her enough points to pass Bob again if that game ever gets played.

Similarly, Mom still has two players to go in that game, including K Justin Tucker (probably good for 6 pts?). If not, we’d have to make fun of her for barely breaking 50 pts this week, when Bob had almost that amount with just one player (Tyreek freaking Hill).

This is where I usually tell you to set your rosters early, but I don’t know when waivers are going to run, or when the next game is, or if football even counts anymore. I do know that even if the entire upcoming weekend of football is cancelled in the next few days, I’m still putting the Eagles down for a loss. Although, it may be easier for them to score points without their offense on the field.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 11 recap

The Eagles’ time as the leaders of the NFC East will end on Thursday afternoon, when the 3-7 Cowboys square off against the 3-7 Maryland Nameless Team. The winner will lead the worst division in football for at least 65 hours, possibly longer if the Giants and Eagles can’t win their weekend games.

The moment will mark the first time in more than 30 days that someone other than the Eagles have been alone atop the division. In recognition of that achievement ending, let’s take a look back at some highlights from Philadelphia’s reign at the top:

** Oct. 22: The Eagles beat the New Jersey Giants in a Thursday Night football game, 22-21. The victory lifts their record to 2-4-1, good enough for first place.

** Nov. 1: The Eagles beat a depleted Cowboys team for the first two-game winning streak of the season, raising their record to 3-4-1, tantalizingly close to .500, a mark they have not reached at any point this year.

** Nov. 8: The Eagles enjoy a week 9 bye and do not lose a game. QB Carson Wentz has no turnovers for the first time all season.

And that’s it. There were two more losses and no more highlights. If they beat the Seahawks next Monday, the Eagles will have gone 29 days between wins, their longest drought of the season. If they lose, they will have won no more than a single game each of their first three months of play. They now sit 3.5 games below .500, and must go 5-1 in their final six games just to have a winning record this year.

Despite that, as of Thanksgiving morning, the Eagles will have been in first place for exactly half of the season since NFC East play began (37 of 74 days).

2020, ladies and gentlemen.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 35.36 pts — started by Jo
WR: Adam Thielen, 24.20 pts — started by Ant
RB: Dalvin Cook, 21.00 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 18.63 pts — started by Jeff
K: Rodrigo Blankenship, 15.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: Cleveland, 25.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: Olivier Vernon, 14.50 pts — on the wire

Vernon, a defensive end for the Browns, collected three sacks and a safety in his team’s dominant win over those hapless Eagles. He got top honors this week by barely beating out teammate LB Sione Takitaki, who took a Wentz INT in for a touchdown in the second quarter of the game. The Browns defense had scored a combined 15 fantasy pts over the previous four weeks, but the Eagles offense will always help turn that around.

Also worth noting that two Vikings — Thielen and Cook — are on this list, despite their team losing to a pathetic Cowboys squad, all but ending Minnesota’s chance at a late playoff run. But, they got fantasy points, at least.

“Total flops” edition

3rd place: Kansas City, -1.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
2nd place: Jake Luton, -1.96 pts — on the wire
1st place: Las Vegas, -4.00 pts — on the waiver wire

If you thought the defenses failed to show up during Sunday night’s NFL game, you were correct: Both the Raiders and Chiefs ended up with less than zero defensive fantasy points. If not for a last-minute interception from Kansas City, they would have finished with -3.00, coming in second-worst this week instead of third.

Luton, in his third start for the vaunted Jacksonville Jaguars offense, tossed 16 completions for 151 yds to his own team and four interceptions for 48 yds to the visiting Steelers. His 15.5 QB rating on the day was less than half of yours (1 attempt, zero yds equals a 39.6 QB rating) and leaves him with six turnovers in just three games played this year. That’s an even worse rate than Wentz (18 turnovers through 10 games) but of course it takes true dedication and skill to keep that effort up over an entire season, as the Eagles QB has done.

** Headline of the week: “New Orleans QB Drew Brees progressing, says more rib fractures found.”

That’s getting worse, not progressing. Progressing would be “fewer rib fractures found” or “more new ribs found.” It’s not “more broken bones found.”

** At the start of the Dolphins/Broncos game, the CBS announcing crew put up their “keys of the game” for each team. Under the list of advice for Denver, the lead item was ‘don’t help the Dolphins.”

I know it seems counter intuitive, but if you’re trying to beat another football team, it does not help to help them. Instead, you should try to stop their efforts to succeed. It’s a sophisticated strategy point, but it helps.

** The NFL Network has a morning show called “Good Morning Football” but instead of abbreviating it with an F they go with FB and in their promotional ads this week they’ve been encouraging me to “wake up with GMFB” and I feel like if that happens you should see a doctor immediately.

The NFL announced last week that in lieu of the traditional Pro Bowl game this year, they’ll be conducting a week of events focused on the Madden 21 video game, to include competitions between players and coaches. Here’s a few proposals to make the idea really work: 

** Full contact gaming — Allow real-world tackling and blocking while playing the game. Each gamer gets a controller and one lineman, let’s see who can make it to the end of the play.

** Prove you’re that good — Make stars prove how good they are by fielding teams just made up of them. I’ll believe Patrick Mahomes is worth a 99 rating when I see him breaking up a pass downfield as a safety. And who doesn’t want to see DE Aaron Donald playing RB and hitting people on offense?

** Salary cap mode — Before any game starts, players have to adjust their own pay to make it fit the team. Will they take a digital pay cut to win? Answer, no.

** Penalties off — They don’t call penalties in the Pro Bowl anyway. Why call them in the virtual Pro Bowl? Just let linebackers set up wherever and watch the QBs get lit up at the snap.

** Super Tecmo Bowl — Forget Madden. Let’s make these millennial players step up to the big time and play the greatest football of all time. Bonus points if they can win without Bo Jackson. 

The hardest part of these anagram insults is not finding words and phrases. That’s easy. Take, for example Cowboys rookie running back Rico Dowdle. You can spell almost anything with his name:

RB Rico Dowdle
** Older cowbird
** Lower cord bid
** Broiled crowd
** Odd blow crier

But does that really tell you anything about him as a player? As a teammate? As a man? No, of course not. That’s where you have to dig deep, study the letters and let them spell out the true character of the man:

RB Rico Dowdle
** Lewd crib odor

Yeah, that gives you everything you need to know about him.

** I went 3 for 4 against Dad in our weekly picks, pushing my lead to plus-10 with just six weeks of season left. All of Dad’s recent losses have been brutally close: The four-point KC comeback win on Sunday night, seven-point wins by the Texans and Seahawks, and the last-second Hail Mary pass in the Cardinals game the week before. Here’s hoping he picks against the Eagles next week, so they can get a miracle finish.

** In one of my favorite stats of the year so far, Indiana had 491 yds of total offense in their loss to the Buckeyes on Saturday. That’s 491 yds passing and -1 rushing. It’s not easy to be that dominant in one area of the offense and that terrible in the other.

** Bye weeks are done, folks. That means all roster mistakes from here on our are your fault, and you can’t blame the NFL schedulers.

Week 11 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1418.28 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1401.91 pts
3 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1376.48 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1344.50 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1322.70 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1312.12 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1282.93 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1229.17 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1160.95 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1076.47 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 870.60 pts

Another weekly win for Joanna has her climbing ever closer to the top spot, but it might take a misstep by Mike and Jeff for her to get ahead. For now, the 1-2-3-4 teams in the standings finished 2-3-1-4 on the week to put some distance between them and the rest of the pack.

Bob, Sam and Mom remain within striking distance of a medal podium finish, but with only six weeks left, the question is whether there is enough time to get there. Meanwhile, Joel’s team is in distinct danger of getting doubled up by week 13 if he can’t muster some stronger performances.

Remember to check out your rosters early this week — three games are set for Thanksgiving day, including that stomach-churning battle for first place between Dallas and the Maryland Nameless team. Maybe carve up the turkey first before tuning into that.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 10 recap

Football and the rest of the world has been harsh this fall, so let’s lighten up the mood with everyone’s favorite game: Which of these are Dolphins defensive players, and which are random strings of letters I made pounding my head against the keyboard during the Eagles loss on Sunday?

LB Sam Eguavoen
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

S Clayton Fejedelem
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

LB Kamu Grugier-Hill
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

CB Noah Igbinoghene
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

LB Andrew Van Ginkel
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

DE Emmanuel Ogbah
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String

LB Durval Queiroz Neto
Dolphins Defense Nonsense String



Yeah, that button does nothing, because they all are, in fact, real players on the Dolphins defense. Well, all except for Durval Queiroz Neto. He is not.

(He’s an offensive guard on their practice squad).

QB: Tom Brady, 37.84 pts — started by Mike
WR: Keelan Cole, 19.89 pts — on Mike’s bench
RB: Alvin Kamara, 28.53 pts — started by Jo
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 10.40 pts — started by Bob
K: Tyler Bass, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Las Vegas, 17.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jamie Collins Sr., 10.50 pts — on the wire

Outside of Brady and Jacbos, those are some pretty low scores for the top performers. Gronkowski had a whopping two catches for 51 yds and a TD, but he was still the best of his position for the week. Willie Snead caught two TDs and still didn’t amass enough yds to top 20 points or Cole.

The Raiders defense may be the most confusing of the group. So far this season, they’ve been worth fewer than five fantasy points in seven of nine games, and worth negative points in three. Against Denver on Sunday, they recorded five turnovers and two sacks, and held the Broncos to just 12 points. In case you’re thinking of snagging them for a start next week, be warned that this may not be a case of the Raiders being good, but instead the Broncos being really bad right now.

“More bad defenses” edition

3rd place: (tie) Carolina, -1.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -2.00 pts — started by Bob
2nd place: (tie) Washington, -2.00 pts — started by Ant
1st place: (tie) Denver, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -6.00 pts — on the wire

That is a lot of underperforming right there.

First, shout out to the Bengals and the Broncos, who both managed to surrender 36+ points this week without recording a sack or a turnover. It’s the Denver defense’s first trip into negative territory on the season, but Cincinnati’s third.

Second shout out to bad luck Bob, who started a points-losing defense for the second time in three weeks. The Titans last six games on fantasy defense are negative 4, plus 6, negative 3, plus 15, negative 2. If you have any idea what to make of that, give Bob a hand, will ya?

And a final hat tip to Paul for a truly miserable performance by his team this week. He totaled a mere 52.62 pts, behind three players on a bye, one injured player and two TEs who combined for fewer than 5 pts. That’s not the lowest weekly score we’ve ever seen, but it’s in the top five.

** Report from ESPN reporter Ed Werder on Monday: “Drew Brees suffered two fractured ribs Sunday against the 49ers and three others on the right side the previous week against the Bucs that were not seen on X-ray until today. Brees has been advised to be cautious with the collapsed lung.”

I don’t know what’s worse: Not diagnosing three broken ribs until a week later or having to advise a player to “be cautious” with his collapsed lung. I expect that if Brees is in pain this week, team doctors will prescribe a strong punch in the face.

** After Patriots WR Jakobi Meyers threw a 24-yd TD pass on a trick play Sunday night, the NBC announcing crew noted that Meyers had starred as a QB in high school in Georgia. “What an arm!” Al Michaels exclaimed as they showed grainy video of Meyers from 2015 slinging a TD to a high school teammate.

The thing is, it was a video of a 20-yd TD pass. I believe Meyers probably was a pretty good passer, but I also believe that nearly every player who made it into the NFL — including the offensive linemen — can probably throw the ball 20 yards. Heck, the fifth-grader who lives in this house can throw one 15 yards (I know, we’ve measured).

I’m not really sure it was as impressive as the 76-year-old Michaels — who may or may not be able to see 20 yards downfield — really believed.

** Listening to the Eagles game on local Philly radio, I heard the familiar Dietz and Watson commercial with a new — and unfortunate — tag line. It started listing a bunch of products, before getting to “Dietz Nuts meat bites” and finishing with “it’s a family thing.”

I assure you, dear friends at D&W, that entendre is not a “family thing.”

In light of Eagles Coach Doug Pederson’s indefensible decision to go for two while down four in the third quarter of Sunday’s game, here’s a quick math review:

** Field goals are worth three points. If you’re behind by three or fewer, you can kick a field goal and be in good position. If you’re behind by four or more, a single field goal can’t win or tie the game for you.

** Touchdowns are worth six points. After you score one, you can try for one or two points. If you try for two and don’t get it, you don’t get to add another point to your score. You just get six then.

** The Eagles have tried 12 two-point conversion attempts this year. They’ve succeeded on half. That means that if they just kicked the extra point each of those times, they would have the same number of points.

** Eagles Kicker Jake Elliot signed a five-year contract worth nearly $22 million one year ago this month. That’s about $275,000 a game to not participate on half of the extra-point plays after Eagles TDs this year (11-11 on XP attempted).

** The Eagles have three wins. Arguably they could have six, if they were coached better. Six is not as good as seven but still better than three.

It has been a bad year for the Cowboys, but there have been bright spots. Take, for instance, first-year offensive lineman Tyler Biadasz, who is in the running for the all-pro team due to his exemplary play. Surely, someone having a season like him can see some good coming out of this lost year of football in Dallas, right?

No. Just look at what his name spells out:

Cowboys rookie center Tyler Biadasz
** Block? No. Cry? Yes! It’s a bad zoo. We retire.

Retiring after just nine games isn’t much of a career, but if it saves your eternal soul from the hellscape that is Cowboys HQ, then maybe it is worth it.

** Grabbed two more victories against Dad this week, both in dramatic fashion: A last-second 59-yd FG by Detroit to beat the nameless Maryland squad and a last-second hail-mary TD by Arizona to beat Buffalo. I’m up eight games with just seven weeks left. If this was the NFC East, I’d already have clinched a playoff spot.

** Big game for #3 Ohio State this weekend as they square off against #9 Indiana … maybe? Fifteen games were cancelled last weekend due to covid outbreaks and six more have already been cancelled for next weekend. So … go football?

** It really is conceivable that the Eagles could finish the season at 5-10-1 and still win the NFC East. That fifth win could be the difference between a playoff berth or a top-10 draft pick.

Week 10 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1290.50 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1276.90 pts
3 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1234.25 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1226.28 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1215.78 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1205.90 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1174.12 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1117.26 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1075.91 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 977.47 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 769.45 pts

A week of mediocre returns tightens the race for the top spot. Joanna took a big jump to take the lead for the best team based out of Fort Awesome, while Mike climbed back towards the top. Seven teams are within 120 pts of first place, with seven more weeks to go.

Thursday night’s contest features the first-place Cardinals (gawd, it feels uncomfortable to type that out) against the suddenly failing Seahawks. Seattle plays Philadelphia in two weeks, but QB Russell Wilson has already caught a case of the Wentzes — 10 turnovers in his last four games. Hopefully he can keep that going until the end of the month. 

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 9 recap

Over the Eagles bye week, it became obvious to me that QB Carson Wentz has a serious problem no one has been willing to discuss publicly.

Let’s step back a few years here. In 2017, Wentz was the rightful but unrecognized league MVP, but he watched on the sidelines as Nick Foles led the Eagles to their first Super Bowl victory. The next year, Wentz gets hurt again, and Foles again leads a modest playoff run. Foles is a Philly hero, but he leaves in free agency. Wentz is left to overcome his shadow.

So, in 2019, passes for 4,000-plus yds without any real receivers. He wills the team to the postseason. And then, in his first playoff game, in front of the Philadelphia faithful, he gets a concussion.

What happened after that? Another offseason of questions. A non-existent pre-season where he was left with his own thoughts. And, I would suggest, an undiagnosed medical condition that no one will talk about that is the source of all his turnovers.

Foles is still discussed around here as a champion. Wentz wants to be that. What was Foles’ nickname in Philly? (No, not that one, the other one). That’s right, it was St. Nick.

When did Wentz sustain his concussion? It was Jan. 5, also known as the 12th day of Christmas.

What did Wentz see when he got hit? A giant sea of green and white-clad supporters all around him.

What did Wentz hear when he got hit? Booing. Lots of booing. The Eagles fans were booing Seahawks DE Jadaveon Clowney for his illegal hit, of course, but who do they usually boo around that time of year? Maybe a different guy who wears a red and white suit?

Folks, that was no normal concussion. That head injury led Wentz to believe that he is no longer the quarterback of the Eagles. His job is not to play football. Instead, his brain was so rattled that Wentz now is firmly convinced that he wants to be, or is in fact, the scion of Christmas itself, Santa Claus.

Sounds insane, I know. But if Wentz were to believe he is supposed to be Santa Claus, what would he do? He would give away presents. Lots of them. Like, two or three completely inexplicable turnovers every game. Inexplicable, that is, unless they’re intentional. Unless he means to do it. Unless they are gifts.

And what happens when he gives the ball away? More boos from the stands, which confirms his assumption that he is Santa Claus.

Folks, there is only one way to fix this: Someone has to volunteer to break the news to Wentz that Santa Claus isn’t real. I know, it’s tough to tell a young guy full of hope and excitement that the big guy at the North Pole is just a fairy tale, but it’s time. He needs to hear it.

And maybe, someday, he can appreciate the joy of Christmas without, you know, ruining every Sunday for the rest of us.

QB: Kyler Murray, 43.92 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Tyreek Hill, 24.83 pts — started by Bob
RB: Dalvin Cook, 36.90 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 15.60 — started by Jeff
K: Tyler Bass, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Orleans, 19.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: A.J. Klein, 11.00 pts — on the wire

You knew Cook couldn’t repeat his four-TD performance from last week, and he didn’t: He only rushed for two TDs and 206 yds in Sunday’s Vikings win. What a letdown.

In case you’re wondering if the NFL is a passing league now, Cook was the only player this week to rush for more than 100 yds. On the other hand, 15 wideouts topped 100 yds this week, and 11 QBs passed for more than 300 yds.

Also in positive news, Wentz had no turnover this week, the first time since the start of the season.

“Defenses we own” edition

3rd place: (tie) LA Chargers, 0.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
3rd place: (tie) Arizona, 0.00 pts — started by me
2nd place: (tie) Kansas City, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
2nd place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -1.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: San Francisco, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench

Just missing the cut was Mom D, who started the Seattle defense and got one point out of them. Pretty poor showing all around this week.

On the offensive side, New Jersey Giants QB Daniel Jones passed for 212 yds and a TD in his team’s victory over the Maryland Nameless Team. That makes Jones 4-0 in his young NFL career against that division rival … and 1-17 against every other team he has played. Not sure who that’s more embarrassing for.

(Yeah, I know, it’s the Maryland team).

** After the Ravens started playing better in the third quarter of their game against the Colts, Baltimore play-by-play announcer Gerry Sandusky said the game was “really a tale of two stories.” I assume he meant halves, but it’s a pretty common phrase, man.

** As the Steelers trailed the Cowboys in the first half of that game, CBS color commentator Tony Romo said that Pittsburg was suffering “just from some huge little mental mistakes.” I assume he meant either huge or little, unclear which one.

** After New Orleans QB Drew Brees tossed a short inside pass to WR Michael Thomas, NBC color commentator Cris Collinsworth said that “that combination has been so effective lately for the Saints.” Since this was Thomas’ first game since being injured in week 1, I assume that he meant … actually, I have no idea what he meant. Unless by “lately” he meant “a full year ago.”

The careers of Coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady are forever intertwined, so that’s why it was fitting that both suffered embarrassment this weekend on the football field. But which Hall of Fame cheater had the worse fate? Consider:

** Brady’s Bucs lost by 35 points to their division rival, the Saints.
** Belichick’s Patriots barely beat the 0-8 Jets.

** Brady was downright awful in the game, turning the ball over three times and passing for only 209 yds.
** Belichick’s Patriots almost lost to the 0-8 Jets.

** Brady entered the night leading Brees by one in the career passing TD mark. He left the game down three.
** Belichick’s Patriots needed a last-second field goal to beat to the 0-8 Jets.

** Brady’s loss dropped the Bucs out of first place and gave New Orleans the head-to-head tiebreaker in the standings.
** Belichick’s win means the Patriots didn’t lose to the Jets, but it also shouldn’t actually count as a win.

Close call, but I think Brady wins/loses this battle. Still, you know, the Jets.

Another week, another new face behind center at the Cowboys game this week. This time it was Garrett Gilbert, who was signed off the Browns practice squad less than a month ago. He’s the fourth quarterback to start for the team in their last four games, and he fit in perfectly. No, not because he lost. Because of what his name spelled out:

Another Dallas backup QB Garrett Gilbert
** Bitter garbage quitter: ball drops, clank, ha!

Here’s hoping next week’s starting QB has fewer Gs in his name, they’re problematic to anagram.

** Arizona’s 49-yard, game-tying FG attempt came up one yard short on Sunday, so I split my two games with Dad, leaving me up six in our weekly picks contest. I’ll take that after nine weeks, although I’m worried the missed extra point is gonna come back to haunt me.

** One of the most insane stats ever: Through three games, Ohio State QB Justin Fields has 11 TD passes … and 11 incompletions. He’s as likely to throw a touchdown as he is to miss his receiver. And as someone who has watched large swaths of those games, at least two of the incompletions were the fault of the receiver.

Meanwhile, Penn State is 0-3. Just saying. 

** The Philadelphia Union won an athletic supporter shield or something this week and I'm going to be very excited about it as soon as I can figure out what it is exactly. 

** Seriously, though, Wentz may think he is Santa Claus. It makes as much sense as half of those picks he has thrown. 

Week 9 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1189.35 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1147.29 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1140.62 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome) 1124.73 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1095.25 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1089.22 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1057.35 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1046.03 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 952.76 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 924.85 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 702.82 pts

AND WE HAVE A NEW LEADER! A huge week from Jeff — 183.83 pts, best weekly total of any team so far this year — vaults him from 50 pts out of first last week to 42 pts ahead in first this week. Big weeks by Bob and I help us gain ground on a suddenly faltering squad led by Mike. And a big jump by Mom D puts her just outside the championship conversation for now.

On the other end of the spectrum, five teams failed to break 100 pts this week. I’m not going to name names (Jo, Mike, Dad, Joel, Paul) but it may be time for some front-office shake ups there.

The Thursday night game features the Colts at the Titans, which could decide the winner of the AFC South. Or it could get cancelled because of covid. Drama either way. Get your rosters ready.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 8 recap

Think your vote doesn’t matter?

In 2016, a blowhard New Yorker with funny hair won the vote by just a few thousand votes in one of the closest contests in history. He overpromised what he could deliver over the next four years and the result was misery in New Jersey, Ohio and a lot of other places around the country

In 2008, voters’ decisions made Hawaii the default center of power in the Western world, and elevated a funny-named guy from relative anonymity to the top of the world’s top stage.

In 2000, a slick-talking Texan won his spot thanks to an unexpected surge in support right as the final ballots came in.

And that isn’t the only voting drama we’ve seen in our lifetime. Despite that, too many people believe that their vote won’t count, or if it does it won’t move the totals enough to matter. But we’ve seen time and again that just isn’t true.

One vote can make a difference. One vote can reshape the landscape. One vote can change the world.

So if you’re still upset about Giants WR Odell Beckham making the Pro Bowl in 2016 or Cowboys CB Deion Sanders making the Pro Bowl in 2000, do something about it. Make sure to vote in the league’s all-star selections this year.

Sure, your vote probably can’t return the Pro Bowl game to Hawaii, where it was played in 2008, or return Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo to the glory that was his season that year, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

So don’t forget to vote when Pro Bowl voting begins on Nov. 12. It’s your duty as a responsible citizen, after all.

Oh and hopefully you already made a plan to vote in the other election too. Whatever.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 46.64 pts — started by Bob
WR: DK Metcalf, 28.73 pts — started by me
RB: Dalvin Cook, 45.50 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 17.27 pts — started by Joel
K: Michael Badgley, 15.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
DEF: Philadelphia, 25.00 pts — started by Jeff
D: Robert Spillane, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Mahomes five-TD performance went largely ignored by football pundits this weekend, in part because it was against the Jets, but also in part because it was overshadowed by Dalvin Cook’s huge game: Three rushing TDs, 163 yds, plus 63 more receiving yds and a receiving TD. It was the best RB performance since Derrick Henry’s whopping 47.80 pts in week 14 of 2018 (where he topped 200-yds rushing and scored four TDs).

The least deserving top performance of the week was secured by the Eagles, who scored a disputed touchdown on a 80-yd fumble return and then benefitted from an intentional safety a few minutes later as the Cowboys tried to use statistical probability to win the game instead of scoring touchdowns. Those two moves accounted for more than half of the defensive fantasy points in the game for Philly.

For the record, the Cowboys defense came into the game having scored a total of 0.00 fantasy pts through seven games. QB Carson Wentz’ four turnovers and four sacks gave them 14 pts for the game, which is … checks my math .. INFINITY TIMES MORE points and shows how abysmal the Eagles offense is right now.


“Pass catchers” edition

3rd place: Cedric Wilson, -1.10 pts — on the waiver wire
2nd place: Chris Herndon, -1.30 pts — on the waiver wire
1st place: Dante Pettis, -1.64 pts — on the waiver wire

It’s not that often you get WRs/TEs on the worst performers list, but they filled up the sheet this week. Herdon and Pettis — both seen as potential breakout stars at the start of 2019 — managed a fumble in their lone touch this week. Wilson had to work harder at his miserable stat line, rushing twice for -11 yds in the Cowboys loss Sunday night.

Special shout out to Bob, who started the Tennessee defense this week, worth -3.00 pts … and that turned out to be the correct call. His other defense, San Fran, managed -4.00 pts. Some weeks you just can’t win. And if you’re the Jets, it’s all of the weeks.


** I know everyone wants to do their part to make sure that as many people as possible exercise their opportunity to vote. But the NFL has a public service announcement where Commissioner Roger Goodell says “I’m counting on you to do your part and vote” and now I’m questioning whether or not I still support democracy or want to abandon voting altogether …

Also, the NFL announced that, in an effort to encourage voting among its staff, all league employees would be given Tuesday off. And that’s a big deal for a league that… plays all its games on the weekends and considers Tuesday and Wednesday its two off days each week. Very magnanimous to give everyone a Saturday off, guys.

** ESPN reported Saturday that Patriots WR Julian Edelman underwent a “precautionary knee procedure” last week and will miss the next few games as he recovers from the surgery.

If you have a procedure that involves cutting into your leg and forces you to miss several games … is that really “precautionary” or just, you know, surgery? I mean, I guess it could always get worse, but I’m not sure that missing several games in the middle of a season counts as preventing anything.

** Wentz on Sunday, after throwing two interceptions (leading to one-third of the Cowboys points), fumbling the ball twice (leading to another third of the Cowboys points), and scoring 15 points against the league’s worst defense, told reporters that: “I’m not good enough.”

I guess that’s one way to look at it.

ESPN reported on Monday that NFL officials are considering expanding the playoff field from 14 teams (you remember they added two more spots this year, right) to 16 teams if the ongoing coronavirus pandemic forces the cancellation of additional regular season games, forcing some squads to finish the year with fewer than 16 games.

The plan, supporters argue, would be a way to compensate teams that missed a chance to win their way into the playoffs, and add a few more games to the playoff schedule as a way to make up some lost revenue.

Of course, in typical NFL fashion, the plan simply doesn’t go far enough. If the NFL really wants to find a fair solution, they’d take the only sensible option: a 34-team playoff.

Think of it. The 12 teams with the best regular season records would be seeded in the traditional way. Added to that mix would be the top four winners of a 32-team, single elimination tournament, featuring every other team in the NFL and two teams of leftovers from the XFL.

The NFL gets 28 extra games of football action (and commercial profits). If teams can’t field enough players because of coronavirus, it’s a forfeit. Fans get to see the January games they always dreamed of, like the 0-14 Jets versus the 3-13 Broncos, the 2-14 Giants vs the 7-7 Vikings, and the 5-11 Panthers versus the St. Louis BattleHawks.

The league could play the games over three weekends or just mash everything into weeknights for like 10 consecutive days. Whatever. The point is the pandemic has forced everyone to think differently, and the NFL shouldn’t let logic or fan accommodation get in the way of more football, regardless the quality.
As we have already covered, the Eagles victory over the Cowboys Sunday night wasn’t pretty, wasn’t relaxing and wasn’t anything like the Philly faithful had hoped it would be.

But it was a win, and that always counts for something. So amid all the craziness that is the post-game analysis of the mess that was on the football field, let us all take a moment to meditate on what the world is secretly spelling out to us whenever there is a Cowboys defeat:

Another week, another Dallas loss
** One halts, reason takes, world heals

Enjoy the week of healing, friends. May the Cowboys slipping in the standings bring you back to peace and tranquility.

** Lost the Thursday game to Dad but picked up two others on Sunday, so I’m back to a six-game lead in our weekly picks contest. I even gambled on Las Vegas and won. See what I did there? Gambled? Las Vegas? C'mon, you don't expect quality work at this point in the recap anyway.

** Here's a quick recap of LB Kiko Alonso's career thus far: 

-- 2013: Drafted in the 2nd round by the Bills

-- 2015: Traded to the Eagles for RB LeSean McCoy

-- 2016: Traded to the Dolphins as part of the package for QB Carson Wentz

-- 2019: Traded to the Saints for LB Vince Beigel

-- 2020: Traded to the 49ers for LB Kwon Alexander

I'm not sure what to make of that, other than somehow Alonso is worth four different player despite being a mediocre defensive cog. But I can't wait to see what team trades for him in 2021. 

** If Eagles football is getting you down, Pennsylvania folks can always just shift over to watching Penn State games where ... oh ... oh ... nevermind. Um, basketball returns soon maybe? 

Week 8 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,055.60 pts
2 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,015.35 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,005.52 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 998.63 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 995.65 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 991.11 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 937.00 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 930.15 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 871.83 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 861.15 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 637.04 pts

Now we’re talking. A huge week from my squad (I started three of the top 10 players) and a mediocre week from everyone else vaults me into contention again. Mike remains comfortably ahead of the pack, but fewer than 25 pts separate second place from sixth. Halfway through the season, half of the teams are in the race.

After that, things get dicey. Ant and Mom D are within distant sight of the top tier. Dad and Paul are at least in the general neighborhood. Joel remains MIA.

It all sets up for an exciting second half of fantasy football. That starts this Thursday, with the Packers taking on the remains of the 49ers (who lost their starting QB, starting TE and third starting RB this week). Don’t forget to set your rosters, if we all make it through the election chaos tonight.