Fantasy league 2021 -- week 14 recap

Here’s a look at some of the worst ornaments currently for sale at NFL.com:

** Eagles Stained Glass Snowflake
This is a gray star with the Philadelphia logo in the middle. If you ever wanted to put an unholy mash-up of the Cowboys and Eagles symbol on your Christmas tree, here is your chance.

** Washington Mason Jar
This is a whole series of ornaments with a mason jar in team colors with the team name and logo in the middle. Except with the Maryland nameless squad, there is no name or logo. So it just looks like a case of jelly that says “Merry Washington Christmas” with no indication that any football was involved.

** 49ers Tiki Mascot
Go ahead, click on that link. Looking into that ornament’s eyes will steal your soul.

** Jason Witten Raiders Ornament
Jason Witten played 17 years in the NFL, all but one with the Cowboys. But do you want to celebrate the 13 catches he had with the Raiders? Then you’re in luck!

** Saints Snack Pack Set
Nothing says “Geaux Saints” like … silver and gold bobble-eyed peanuts staring down at you from the Christmas tree.

** Ravens “Future Fan” Ball
What is this? There is not a picture of a baby on here. Is this implying the Christmas tree is a future fan? Or that the tree will have a baby who is a fan?

** Rams Sled
The last time Los Angeles had any measurable snow was 2007, so nothing says a merry football Rams Christmas like a sled.

QB: Josh Allen, 39.22 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Dalvin Cook, 34.13 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 22.57 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 26.00 pts — started by me
D: Mike Hughes, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Pour one out for Dad, who had Cook on his bench (like most of the rest of the fantasy world) after early reports had him out several more weeks following a shoulder injury in November. Instead, he surprised by suiting up for the Thursday night game and rushing for a whopping 205 yds and two 2 TDs. That was as many yds and TDs as he had amassed in the previous four games, and was easily his best outing of the year.

Shoutout to the all waiver wire team of RB Rashaad Penny (2nd best RB on the week), WR Jakeem Grant (5th best WR on the week) and TE Albert Okwuegbunam (4th best TE on the week) who would have gotten you 56.19 pts in this league if you had started them instead of the terrible choices we all made.

“Bad defense” edition

3rd place: (tie) Las Vegas, -3.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Houston, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -5.00 pts — on the wire

You might think the worst fantasy defense of the week would be the one that gave up the most points, but you’d be wrong. The Raiders surrendered 48 to the Chiefs on Sunday but also managed three sacks, giving them only a negative field goal in the final fantasy standings, Meanwhile, Detroit gave up 38 points but only managed a single sack to keep them from the worst score possible for a defense in a given week.

Even with the worst record in football, the Lions aren’t quite the worst fantasy defense on the season so far. They’re averaging 2.5 fantasy pts a week, compared to 1.9 pts per week from the New Jersey Jets. (For comparison, the top defense, New England, earns you 12.2 pts per week). And yet, both of those squads are rostered in 1 percent of fantasy leagues. I’m dying to find the fantasy manager who has put together a solid playoff team and is starting the Jets each week, just because.


** NFL reporters were all over the trash talk between the Cowboys and Maryland nameless squad leading up to Sunday’s game. From AP — “Cowboys’ McCarthy makes bold prediction: Dallas Cowboys Coach Mike McCarthy told reporters that ‘I’m excited about what is in front of us. We’re going to win this game. I’m confident in that.’”

The response? “Defensive lineman Jonathan Allen said that, ‘The only guarantee in this world is death and taxes.’”

Boy, that’s … something, I guess? This is what counts as trash talk? Where’s teh “we’re the team to beat” statement? Where’s the “we’re gonna rip off their heads and drink from their skulls” comment? Where’s the “if we don’t win this I’m gonna walk home naked” promise?

The Cowboys won, so, great work backing up that courageous outburst, I guess.

** The Houston Texans waived LB Zach Cunningham last week for being late for and missing meetings. "We've got standards,” said Texans Coach David Culley. “I didn't feel like those standards had been met consistently.”

Those standards apparently don’t include winning games, or really dealing with a star QB who was accused of sexually assualting mutliple women. But, hey, every team has to have standards.

By the way, Cunningham was picked up by the first-place Titans after being cut by the last-place Texans, so I’m sure he learned his lesson.

How Eagles players and staff spent the bye week:

QB Jalen Hurts: Watched hours of Tim Tebow film so he could mirror his play even more to the legendary QB.

RB Miles Sanders: Spent more time practicing not getting the ball on obvious running plays.

RB Boston Scott: Somehow shrunk two more inches.

C Jason Kelce: Went down with a leg injury, same as every other Sunday.

QB Gardner Minshew: Applied mustache wax six times a day instead of his normal five-times routine.

Coach Nick Sirianni: Continued to ignore Miles Sanders as much as possible.

DE Ryan Kerrigan: Did not record any tackles, just like 11 of the previous 13 weeks.

WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: Continued to unfairly occupy a roster spot.

The Cowboys’ defense has been one of the reasons for their success this year, with their secondary becoming a major surprise. Second-year defensive back Trevon Diggs had only three interceptions last year but has nine through 13 games this season. Naturally, the Dallas coaching staff says they saw that talent all along, but in truth the reason they added him to the team last year was because his own name hinted he was their kind of player:

Dallas CB Trevon Diggs
** Gloved bastard clings

I’m not even sure the coaches saw the word “clings” in there when they read it the first time. They just saw “gloved bastard” and thought “yeah, he’s one of ours.”

** Dad took three of four games this week, so he’s up one in our picks for the season. Just four weeks of football left for me to turn this around or else I have to hear about it from him through the whole offseason.

** By my calculations, if Carson Wentz takes about 40 snaps in his game this weekend against the Patriots, the Eagles will get the Colts’ first round draft pick next year. So I guess that makes the game worth watching.

** At the end of the Monday night football game, with the Cardinals trailing by 10, I needed one 50-yard FG to get just enough points to have another team win the week and keep me alive for the fantasy playoffs. With about a minute left, K Matt Prater lined up, reared back and booted one just inside the right upright … from 49 yards. That’s 4 fantasy points, not 5, so I missed the playoffs by 0.5 pts instead of making it by a hair. That one stings.

Week 14 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1797.84 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1791.09 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1697.26 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1687.80 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1611.42 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1603.76 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1598.74 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1585.06 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1555.89 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1530.60 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1498.59 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1029.68 pts

Lots of drama atop the standings this week but no real change. Jonathan missed a golden opportunity to take the top spot away from Joanna, with her QB and three RBs all on a bye this week, but she managed to get just enough out of WR Cooper Kupp on Monday to stay in the lead. Mom D and Bob both made up some ground on the frontrunners, but remain 100 points out of the title fight for now.

Big weeks from Jeff and I pulled us both into the top rungs of the third tier, and another big week from Dad has him just on the edge of relevance. Paul remains dead.

Now that college football is entering bowl season, the NFL would like to remind you it doesn’t care when you want to watch football, it’ll just make it available whenever it’s least convenient. That means there’s not only a Thursday game this week but also a Saturday night special and a Saturday afternoon game and also still a Monday night game and maybe some games on Sunday but it’s not clear. Anyways, set your rosters early and often.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 13 recap

After Sunday’s win, Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni said that despite the team winning without him this week, QB Jalen Hurts will return to his starting role for the team when he’s healthy. That seems foolish when you look at the facts:

** Hurts threw three interceptions in his last start, while another QB on the roster hasn’t thrown any this year…

** Hurts is 5-7 on the year, while another QB on the roster hasn’t lost a game this year …

** Hurts has six fumbles on the season (only one lost), while another QB on the roster has zero fumbles this year …

** Hurts was a high-round draft pick who hasn’t lived up to potential, while another QB on the roster was forgotten prospect who has overachieved …

** Hurts has only ever played for one NFL franchise, while another QB on the roster has gained experience and insight from his time playing in Florida before Philly…

** Hurts has a full goatee, which is meh, while another QB on the roster has a rocking mustache that gets all the fans excited...

That’s why it’s obvious that Eagles backup QB Reid Sinnett is the best choice for this team going forward. The 24-year-old spent time on the Tampa and Miami practice squads, signed with the Eagles in late October and hasn’t appeared in a single game yet, but I’m confident he could be the next big thing for Philly if the coaching staff would open their eyes.

Or start Gardner Minshew. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter, the team is still total garbage and a win over the crippled remains of the New Jersey Jets franchise doesn’t change that.

QB: Tom Brady, 36.63 pts — started by Joel
WR: Justin Jefferson, 24.03 pts — started by Ant
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 24.30 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 29.07 pts — started by Bob
K: Jake Elliott, 17.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: Indianapolis, 23.00 pts — started by Dad
D: T.J. Watt, 11.50 pts — on Jo’s bench

Nooooooooooo! So close to our second sweep of the year. Watt was listed as a COVID absence through most of the week, so he’s still sitting on the bench of the first-place fantasy squad. Hope Jo doesn’t need those 10 pts she cost herself later on...

Taylor continues to run roughshod over the rest of the league, outsourcing the second-place non-QB (RB Austin Ekler) by 65 fantasy pts. He’s at 279.20 pts for the season, while only three other non-QBs have topped 200 pts (including WR Cooper Kupp, also on Jo’s team.) In fifth place for that group, at 181 pts? RB Derrick Henry, who hasn’t played a game since he was hurt in October.

“Just some guys" edition

3rd place: Diontae Spencer, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Travis Benjamin, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Gerald Everett, -1.53 pts — on Ant’s bench

Spencer and Benjamin (ugh, I hate it when people have first names as their last names. It’s so annoying) are both special teamers who collected a few return yards but then fumbled away a punt to end up in negative territory.

But Everett? He really worked at being terrible this week. The Seattle TE had four catches on six targets for seven yards (itself an impressive feat of failing to advance the ball downfield) and ended up fumbling the ball twice. In his previous 70 games, Everett had only fumbled the ball twice. So that’s a really impressive commitment to hurting your team in a single game.



** NFL columnist John Clayton had a piece last Tuesday predicting all eight division winners at the end of the year. “Several races are shaping up to go down to the wire,” he wrote.

His conclusion: All eight current division leaders will end up winning their divisions.

Amazing analysis! Forget that the Titans are struggling, or that the Bills and Patriots are a game apart and play twice to finish the season, or that most of the Cardinals are dead. “Going down to the wire” means “will end up exactly the same as right now.” That’s the kind of insight you can only get from an old pro.

** ESPN headline: Texas assistant football coach, girlfriend sued after monkey allegedly bites child.

I checked, and this was not a standard blocking drill practice.

(Go ahead, you can look up the story on your own, it won’t make any more sense.)

Because of the addition of a seventh playoff team in each conference and the total screwiness of the league this year, only one squad (the Texans) have been officially eliminated from playoff contention. USA Today has a nice write up of how the Lions at 6-10-1 could still be the seventh seed in the east, if 35 things also other happen:

That won’t happen, of course, because God hates Detroit. But the Almighty also loves chaos (see his decision to allow Texas to exist), so here are some other fun playoff scenarios to consider (courtesy of ESPN’s playoff machine):

** The Eagles get the #1 seed in the NFC:
Philadelphia has to win out, plus the Cowboys have to lose another game, and the Eagles get the division title at 10-7. Then if Green Bay loses their last five games, and the Cardinals lose their last five, and the Bucs lose their last five, and the Rams only win two of their last five, the road to the Super Bowl goes through Lincoln Financial Field.

** The NFC East has three playoff teams, and two have losing records:
If the Cowboys win out and win the division, there’s a path for the Eagles and the Maryland nameless team to both end up at 8-9 and still make the playoffs. All it will take is a bunch of losses by the 49ers and Vikings, and no one in the NFC South putting together a four game winning streak.

** Every remaining game ends in a tie:
The playoff picture would look pretty much the same as it does today, but there’s just something awesome about the seventh seed in the NFC being San Francisco at 6-6-5.

** The home team wins every game for the rest of the season:
This would also give the NFC East three playoff teams, with the Eagles as the 6th seed sporting a 9-8 record.

** Every underdog wins:
Based on today’s record, if every underdog wins from this point on, the Panthers would be the #1 seed in the NFC, the Raiders the #1 seed in the AFC, and the Cowboys, Ravens and Chiefs would miss the playoffs. The Cardinals would still be the #2 seed in the NFC, however.

** The AFC stinks:
There’s a scenario where four of the seven AFC playoff teams aren’t over .500 (The Ravens, Bengals and Steelers would all have to end up 8-8-1) and the #3 seed Titans would only be 9-8. But the Patriots still make the post-season in that scenario, so, meh.

** Nobody makes the playoffs:
The league shuts down after week 17. Honestly, this would probably make us all happier than watching an inevitable Bucs/Patriots Super Bowl.

Not much was expected out of defensive lineman Quinton Bohanna, the Cowboys sixth-round pick out of Kentucky in last year’s draft. But despite that, he has … not delivered this year, recording only two tackles on the season. That’s really not a shock, however, when you take a closer look at his name:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie DT Quinton Bohanna
** He quits, no roots, no cool, banal yawn. Bad kid.

Of course, being a bad kid is what gets you on the Cowboys’ draft radar in the first place, so it seems to be working out for the young man.

** Back on track — I won two games against Dad in our weekly picks, which puts me up one on the season so far. The key to victory was to pick all the games, then assume I’d be wrong and switch several of them. I’ll look to keep that strategy rolling into next Sunday.

** Shoutout to Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown, who I made fun of in my column last week and who this week caught the game-winning TD to secure Detroit’s first victory of the year. Nice work, sun god.

** The Flyers fired their coach on Monday, which justifies my decision not to pay any attention to them at all this year. I’ve got enough underperforming Philly teams to keep track of already.

Week 13 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1686.60 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1670.35 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1567.74 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1554.78 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1475.87 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1460.98 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1459.13 pts
8 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1455.14 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1450.34 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1446.03 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1384.24 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 967.18 pts

Joanna maintains her slim lead over Jonathan, but the story of the week is Bob’s squad, who posted 170 pts (second best week of the season) and vaulted from well-behind fourth place to surging-ahead third place. He’s still 100 pts behind the top duo, but I told you a few weeks ago to keep an eye on him.

Meanwhile, fifth place through 10th remains a slog, with everyone swapping places and no one breaking away. All but three teams posted 100-plus pts this week (frowning face for Sam, Jeff and Paul) and another impressive showing by Dad has him sneaking every closer to the quicksand of the middle standings.

Paul remains dead.

Thursday’s game features the Steelers vs the Vikings, the only two teams that failed to beat the Lions this season. So that should make for some quality mid-week action. Get your rosters ready early.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 12 recap

A recap of the year so far:

The Cardinals, the best team in the NFC right now, earlier this year lost to the Panthers.

 
The Panthers lost to the Giants.
The Giants lost to the Rams.
The Rams lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Jets.
The Jets lost to the Falcons.
The Falcons lost to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys lost to the Buccaneers.
The Buccaneers lost to the Maryland nameless team.
The Maryland team lost to the Broncos.
The Broncos lost to the Raiders.
The Raiders lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Chargers.
The Chargers lost to the Patriots.
The Patriots lost to the Dolphins.
The Dolphins lost to the Bills.
The Bills lost to the Jaguars.
The Jaguars lost to the Texans.
The Texans lost to the Colts.
The Colts lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens, the best team in the AFC so far, lost to the Bengals.
The Bengals lost to the Bears.
The Bears lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Steelers.
The Steelers lost to the Packers.
The Packers lost to the Vikings.
The Vikings lost to the 49ers.
The 49ers lost to the Seahawks.
The Seahawks lost to the Saints.

The Saints lost to the Panthers, who we already noted beat the Cardinals.

And the Detroit Lions haven’t won a game yet this year.

So there you have it. Nobody is good enough to win the Super Bowl this year. Let’s just cancel it and move on to 2022.

QB: Josh Allen, 34.70 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Cordarrelle Patterson, 25.60 pts — started by me
RB: Leonard Fournette, 39.57 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Dawson Knox, 15.63 pts — on my bench
K: (tie) Daniel Carson, 21.00 pts — started by Jo
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 21.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Miami, 24.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Pat Surtain II, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Very quietly, Patterson has been the most destructive force in fantasy football this year. He’s the fourth best fantasy wide receiver on the season … unless you count him as an RB, a position in which he is also eligible, where he is the 8th best player. I’ve got him on two teams and have been mixing and matching each week he’s available, sometimes filling in open WR spots with a fourth RB, other times filling him back into those running back spots to get extra receivers in there. Atlanta is legitimately using him all over the field, but it all feels very unfair and I’m glad I’m the one benefitting from it all.

Before you feel any fleeting pity for Jo, her other defense — Denver — was the third-best on the week and scored 18 pts. Plus, she’s still in first place, so don’t feel bad for her ever.

 
“W/R” edition

3rd place: Demetric Felton, -0.06 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Khari Blasingame, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: J.J. Koski, -1.48 pts — on the wire

I’ll be saving all three of these for my quiz later this year titled “NFL players or what the scrabble tiles spelled out when I dropped them on the floor.

QBs across the league accounted for 43 passing TDs this week but also 37 turnovers (headlined by Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s stomach-turning four interception game on Sunday night.) Feels like a lot of folks just forgot how to play football this week. Maybe it was all the turkey.


** Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury has been rumored to be a candidate for the open University of Oklahoma football coach job (which in itself is dumb, because Arizona is the #1 seed in the NFC right now, so why would he leave?). When asked about it on Monday on Monday morning, this was his response:

"My sole focus the last couple weeks has been the Chicago Bears. After watching them on Thanksgiving, it needs to be, because they're a really good football team and had a big win, and so that's where my focus has been."

I don’t know if Kingsbury is interested or not, but c’mon, dude, don’t lie. The Bears are a terrible team and prevailing 16-13 over Detroit is not a big win. Just say “no comment” and move on.

** NBC aired a new holiday special “Five sleeps till Christmas” on Friday based on a children’s book written by Jimmy Fallon.

At the time it was broadcast, there were 29 more sleeps until Christmas morning.

Just feels like false advertising to me, that’s all.

** Following a bonkers blocked-XP-returned-for-two-points play in the Monday Night Football game, ESPN talking head Louis Riddick said the 9-9 score was stressful because “these are two teams that need this game … A win really is crucial if they want their season to be something.”

To be clear, the game featured the Seattle Seahawks, who came into the night with the second-worst record in the NFC, and the Maryland nameless team, who came into the night tied for the third-worst record in the NFC. Neither has any chance of making the playoffs, win or loss. The only way Riddick’s statement makes sense is if you assume he meant a win was crucial to ruining their chances at a better draft pick.

We all know some of these games are terrible. In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, don’t show me turd and claim it’s an iphone.
  

Here’s what NFL notables are thankful for this year:

Texans owner Cal McNair: Thankful that the Jets and Lions are around, to help everyone forget about what a dumpster fire his team is.

Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady: Thankful that no one has found the vials of unicorn blood he takes daily to stay young.

Packers WR Equanimeous St. Brown: Thankful that his name doesn’t sound as dumb as his brother’s (Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown).

Bills QB Josh Allen: Thankful every single time he drops back that the team brought in WR Stephon Diggs and other players with actual skills.

New Jersey Giants coach Joe Judge: Thankful that there are worse coaches in his division, so that will let him keep his job for a few more weeks.

Bengals QB Joe Burrow: Thankful that the Steelers decided to take this year off, giving them a chance at the playoffs.

Rams WR Odell Beckham Jr.: Thankful that teams always want to give him another chance, even though he hasn’t been good for four years.

Jaguars coach Urban Meyer: Thankful that the season only has seven games left.

No Dallas Thanksgiving game would be complete without the family tradition of taking cheap shots at others, so it’s no surprise that Thursday’s Cowboys/Raiders game included an ejection for CB Kelvin Joseph for punching an opposing player on the sideline after a punt return. Joseph is likely to face a hefty fine for the action, but it really should come as no surprise that it happened given what defensive player’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas rookie cornerback Kelvin Joseph
** Jerk: I love a spine crack. Blood risk, no heal.

“Blood risk” is actually one of the Cowboy’s favorite defensive schemes, but the league banned it last year by not allowing players to put razors in their gloves anymore.

** I lost all four games Dad and I picked different this week, giving him the lead in the season standings (at plus 1). Complete disaster for me in every phase of football over the last month, as I can’t get any games right and all three of my fantasy teams are in the bottom half of their leagues. I’m ready to call this year over.

** Congrats to the Wolverines for their big win over the Buckeyes this weekend, giving them a 2-15 record against Ohio State in the last 18 years. We’re all looking forward to this kind of celebration again in 2029.

** If you’re wondering why there were no Eagles mentions in this week’s recap, and why they were excluded from the list at the top of the column, it’s because I try to focus on professional football teams and professional football players here. Philadelphia currently has neither. Making jokes about them feels like making fun of sick children at this point.


Week 1 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1561.07 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1550.77 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1445.48 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1397.35 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1383.08 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1374.73 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1355.17 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1346.91 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1346.71 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1341.08 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1252.95 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 901.27 pts

Ooooooh boy. Joanna stays in first place, but a mediocre week from her squad (still good enough for fifth place, though) and a huge 151-plus-pts performance by Jonathan’s team leaves him just 10.3 pts off the lead. The pair have more than 100 points between them and third place, and are starting to run away with the league. But which Fort Awesome resident will end up on top?

Speaking of awesome, shoutout to me for a solid second-place finish this week, pulling me back towards the middle of the pack. Dad’s slow climb back to relevance continues with a third-place finish this week. Meanwhile, Mike hasn’t topped 100 pts either of the last two weeks and continues to slide slowly back down the standings.

Did you hate having to watch the Cowboys on Thursday? Then I have great news for you — you get to hate it again this week! Dallas takes on the Saints in a non-weekend matchup again, their third of the year, because of reasons. Be sure to set your rosters early.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 11 recap

Given the chaos around the NFL the last few weeks, it’s difficult to decide who should be considered the Super Bowl favorite at this point. Here’s a quick breakdown of some of the top candidates:

** The Arizona Cardinals: At 9-2, they have the best record in the league and won on Sunday despite having their starting QB and top WR on the injury list. They’ve got the best shot at home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

** The Tennessee Titans: But the AFC has looked like the stronger of the two conferences this year, and the Titans have the best record in the AFC (8-3) with key wins over contenders like the Chiefs and Bills. So they should be considered the top team in the league.

** The Houston Texans: Except the Titans just lost to the Texans, the team with the worst record in all of the AFC. And using the transitive property of equality, that means the Texans must be the best team in the AFC now, and the Super Bowl favorite.

** The Philadelphia Eagles: But the Texans got smoked by the Panthers earlier this year, and the Eagles beat the Panthers, and the Eagles have scored the most points of any team over the last two weeks, so they should probably count as the top team right now.

** The Ohio State Buckeyes: However, the Buckeyes have scored even more points than the Eagles of late and only have one loss on their resume, better than any team in the NFL. So maybe they can finally claim a Super Bowl Title?

** The Detroit Lions: They’re 0-9-1. It’s not them. That’s the only thing I know at this point.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 41.50 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Justin Jefferson, 27.57 pts — started by Ant
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 51.27 pts — started by Jo
TE: Zach Ertz, 21.87 pts — started by Sam
K: Evan McPherson, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 33.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Kyle Van Noy, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Shout out to RB Austin Ekeler, who had three TDs and 36.33 fantasy points on Sunday night in a performance that absolutely no one will remember because of Taylor.

Taylor, who leads the league in rushing yards, threw up 185 on the ground on Sunday with four rushing TDs in an absolute domination of a supposedly good Bills defense. He also added three catches for 19 yards and another TD, posting the best fantasy score of any individual player this season.

In fact, Taylor’s total was the sixth best fantasy game ever by a non-QB in our league’s scoring, falling behind only these folks:

5 — 49ers Jerry Rice, Oct. 14 1990: 13 catches for 225 yds, 5 total TDs, 51.50 fantasy pts
4 — Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander, Sept. 29 2002: 139 rushing yds, 3 catches for 92 yds, 5 total TDs, 51.53 fantasy pts
3 — Bengals RB Corey Dillon, Dec. 4 1997: 246 rushing yds, 2 catches for 30 yds, 4 total TDs, 51.60 fantasy pts.
2 — Saints RB Alvin Kamara, Dec. 25 2020: 155 rushing yds, 2 catches for 17 yds, 6 total TDs, 54.13 fantasy pts.
1 — Broncos RB Clinton Portis, Dec. 7 2003: 218 rushing yds, 2 catches for 36 yds, 5 total TDs, 55.20 fantasy pts.

FYI, Joanna had Kamara on her team last year when he posted that absurd line, giving her two of the top six all-time fantasy performances in the last 11 months. That feels unfair.


“Atlanta QB” edition

3rd place: Matt Ryan, 2.12 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
2nd place: Josh Rosen, -1.80 pts — on the wire
1st place: Feleipe Franks, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Yep, the three passers for the Falcons combined for -1.68 pts in their matchup against the Patriots this week. After Ryan produced no discernable offense for most of the game on Thursday, his night ended after a fourth-quarter interception with about five minutes left. On the next series, he was replaced by Rosen, who threw an interception returned for a TD on his third attempt. He was replaced on the next series by Franks, who threw an interception on his only pass attempt.

So if you were wondering how the New England defense ended up being worth 33 fantasy points, it was those 12 points in the final five minutes combined with the shutout and a few other terrible plays by Atlanta.

 
Shout out to Lions starting QB Tim Boyle, who went 15 of 23 for 77 yards with two interceptions in his game against the Browns, totaling -0.92 fantasy points. That’s really hard to do if you’re a starting QB. And the Lions only lost by a FG. The NFL makes no sense right now.


** University of Virginia coach Bronco Mendendall (a real name, not one I just made up) was asked before this weekend’s game whether junior QB Brennan Armstrong (again, his real name) would be out with a lingering abdomen injury or if his status was still day-to-day. His response:

“I’m hoping for more second-to-second than day-by-day. It might be hour-to-hour. I’m not sure where we go from day-to-day to second-by-second. I’m hoping it’s at least hour-to-hour, but I would prefer second-to-second.”

I could go word-by-word breaking that all down, but at this point I think the QB may be dead and the coach is just trying to cover it all up.

** On Saturday night, #23 Utah was favored at home by three points #3 Oregon.

Let me go over that again.

The alleged third-best team in all of college football, a team that should be favored on a neutral field over any other team except two, was a three-point underdog on the road against a team that was 20 spots lower in the rankings.

And the Vegas oddsmakers were right. Oregon got smoked, losing by more than four touchdowns.

What is the point of college football rankings again? It’s clearly not to identify the best teams if none of the betting public believes the list reflects how a team will actually perform. Is it just to drive fans bonkers? Because that’s all they seem to be achieving anymore.

** ESPN noisebox Chris Berman opened his “fastest three minutes” recap of the weekend’s NFL action on Monday night with … 30 seconds talking about former Cowboys coach Tom Landry and former Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt and how important they were to the league. The trip down memory lane came because those two franchises played each other this weekend.

It was the slowest half minute in the history of time. Once again, ESPN finds a way to screw up showing sports highlights by not showing sports highlights.

Dolphins WR Mack Hollins caught his third TD of the season in Sunday’s win over the Jets. Hollins, as you likely don’t remember, was a wideout for the Eagles in 2017 and 2019 (but not 2018) and collected a whopping 26 catches in 28 games. But it made me wonder — how many recent Eagles wide receivers can you name?

It’s time for another quiz — which of these are actual wide receivers who played for the Eagles in the last 15 years, and which of these are names I just made up?

WR Seyi Ajirotutu
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Marvin McNutt
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Arrelious Benn
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Marcus Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Damaris Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Ronald Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Jeff Maehl
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Kamar Aiken
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR J.J. Arcega-Whiteside
Actual WR ————— Not a catch

Yeah, don’t bother looking for an answer key. They’re all actual wide receivers … except for J.J. Arcega-Whiteside. He’s just a tackling dummy that gets tossed out on the field every once in a while.

(That's a picture of McNutt up there in the section header. I'm surprised you didn't catch that hint.)

Dallas defensive lineman Carlos Watkins has been playing exceptionally well of late, even as injuries pile up on the team’s D-line. What’s his secret? It’s a not a surprise, it’s as plain as the letters in his name:

Cowboys DE Carlos Watkins
** Scab yowl: I snort coke wads

Drugs are a long tradition among the Cowboys players, but I feel like snorting them wads at a time is particularly dangerous.

** Another week, another victory by Dad. He picks up one more win in our weekly picks and now sits down three for the year. I called the Colts big win but didn’t pick it, then watched as the Ravens almost lost their game to the Bears and cost me another tally. This league, man.

** The Washington Post had a column about how the Maryland nameless team has a not-unrealistic shot at the playoffs and I know I wrote the exact same thing last week for the Eagles but this somehow felt way, way dumber.

** I for one am thrilled that the Eagles signed TE Dallas Goedert to a big extension this week and look forward to five more years of him catching two passes in the first quarter and then disappearing for the rest of the game.

Week 11 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1443.61 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1399.03 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1339.07 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1306.01 pts
5 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1301.41 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1276.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1255.49 pts
8 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1239.51 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1227.18 pts
10 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1225.52 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1129.02 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 821.36 pts

Jo continues to dominate the league — she had 81 points from just two players this week (Taylor and Jalen Hurts), and that was enough to outscore three teams (me, Mike and Paul). Add in TE Travis Kelce’s 13 pts and she outscores three more teams before we get to the rest of her starters.

Her 156.35 pts were just barely enough for first place on the week, however, because Jonathan collected 154.27 pts and Mom D had a strong 145.31 pts. Bob and Sam are making strong bids to try and crack the medal podium, but they both sit more than 137 pts out of first, making the gold medal look very, very far away.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, the only Thursday of the year where there should be football, and six teams will play in three games. Get your rosters set early, before the piles of turkey numb your mind to the importance of picking up some holiday fantasy points.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 10 recap

Should the 4-6 Eagles make the playoffs? No. They are not a good team. But apparently no one in the NFL wants to be really good this year, opening the doors for mediocrity to rise to the top of the bloated postseason slate. And with 17 games, 10 wins may be enough to earn a trip to the playoffs.

With that in mind, here’s a unlikely but not overly ridiculous path to an Eagles wild card berth following their surprising win over the Broncos:

Pre-bye: The Eagles likely lose to the Saints next Sunday, but could win their next two against the New Jersey Jets and New Jersey Giants. Those two contests are on the road, where the Eagles are 4-2 this season. The New Jersey teams have combined for a 4-5 record at home this year. With victories, this would put the Eagles’ record at 6-7 heading into the bye.

Bye week: It’s week 14. The Eagles have a good shot at not picking up another loss when they don’t play.

Post-bye: The Eagles play at home against the Maryland nameless team and then the Giants again, then travel to Maryland on Jan. 2 for another rematch. From today, when the birds are due back from Denver, until Jan. 2, the team will not travel any further than 140 miles for any of their final eight weeks of the season. That’s a lot of rest for the Eagles in between playing tired teams with losing records. Winning all three and getting to 9-7 is possible.

Season finale: The Cowboys travel to Philadelphia for the last game of the season. Forget the rivalry stuff, because the Cowboys are infinitely better than the Eagles right now. The Eagles have no chance of winning … if the Cowboys try. But they may not. By week 18, Dallas may be resting their starters, assured of a playoff berth. I’d give the Eagles a 50-50 shot against the Cowboys’ backups right now. If it’s a victory, that’s win #10.

Everybody else: Right now five NFC teams look like playoff locks (division leaders Dallas, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Arizona, plus the LA Rams). Two other teams have five wins (New Orleans and Carolina, who have to play each other in week 16). Seven teams make the playoffs, and if Carolina and Philadelphia have the same record at the end of the season, the Eagles own the head-to-head tiebreaker and get the playoff spot.

Let me repeat — this should not happen. If there were any justice in the world, a mediocre team like the Eagles should not still be in playoff contention. But the NFL loves drama, and Philadelphia beating up on the weak part of its schedule could help create that.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 46.24 pts — started by Mike
WR: Deebo Samuel, 24.57 pts — started by Bob
RB: Rhamondre Stevenson, 24.93 pts — started by me
TE: Hunter Henry, 16.47 pts — started by Ant
K: Zane Gonzalez, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 26.00 pts — on the wire
D: Xavien Howard, 12.50 pts — on the wire

There’s nothing like grabbing a guy off the waiver wire and having him hit the top performers list. Stevenson, New England’s rookie RB, rushed for 100 yds and two TDs against an alleged stout Browns defense in relief of starting RB Damien Harris, who was out with a concussion. Before Sunday, Stevenson had 27.56 fantasy pts on the season. I appreciate him doubling that when I needed a quick fill-in.

It’s worth noting that the Dallas defense was the third best fantasy player of the week, scoring more than everyone except Mahomes and … Dallas QB Dak Prescott (30.34 pts). I’m getting pretty sick of these guys.

“Sad QBs” edition

3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Davis Webb, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -1.44 pts — on the wire

All these backups ended up collecting negative points in their limited work Sunday, but more notable is the list of starters who outright sucked. Here’s a look at some of them that you were better than this week:

You: 0 for 1 passing, 0 yards. That’s a 39.6 rating.

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson: 5.64 fantasy pts, 20 of 40, 161 yds, 2 INTs, 39.7 rating. He actually was still a little better than you, but it’s the first time he failed to score double-digit points in any game he appeared in since late 2018.

Jets QB Mike White: 2.04 fantasy pts, 24 of 44, 251 yds, 4 INTS, 33.4 rating. He was the top QB two very long weeks ago.

Falcons QB Matt Ryan: 0.68 fantasy pts, 9 of 21, 117 yds, 2 INTs, 21.4 rating. He was worth 32.52 fantasy pts just last week.

Honorable mention to Jared Goff, PJ Walker, Colt McCoy, Jacoby Brissett, Baker Mayfield, Carson Wentz, Teddy Bridgewater and Trevor Lawrence, all starters with a QB rating above 40 but fewer than 10 fantasy pts this week. (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers didn’t make the list because he had a robust 10.48 fantasy pts this week, so no complaining). That’s 11 of the 28 teams who played this week having a QB start worth less than a TD and a half. It’s brutal out there for fantasy this year.


** The Florida Gators gave up 42 points in the first half of their game Saturday against … (checks notes again) … Samford University, an FCS program with a losing record. The Gators did end up winning the game, 70-52, and Florida Coach Dan Mullen said after the game that calling the win “disappointing” would be disrespectful to his players. When asked specifically about the poor defense in the first half, Mullen added that “you have to give Samford some credit."

I guess you should give “some” credit to the players who scored six TDs in a half against a former college football powerhouse. Just a little, though. We wouldn’t want them to get a big head and be viewed as a real football team.

** With the Cowboys up 36-3 in the third quarter and facing a fourth-and-one at the 10 yard line, Dallas opted not to kick the meaningless field goal and instead called for a QB run to keep the clock moving. It didn’t really work — Dak Prescott scored instead, extending the lead and also stopping the clock. But former TE turned brainless Fox analyst Greg Olsen raved about the play for five minutes afterward.

“That’s just an amazing play by Prescott,” he drooled. “You’re up 33 pts, but your star QB is willing to put his shoulder down and push into the end zone on a must-have fourth down. That means a lot.”

To misquote a wise man, I do not think those words mean what you think they mean. I’m not sure that turning the ball over inside the 10-yard-line with a 33-point lead counts as a “must have” moment. I mean, I guess the team “must have” a play there, otherwise it’s a forfeit. But considering all the Falcons points for the game came on their first drive, and they were shut out for the final 52 minutes of play, there’s a good chance the Cowboys would have been OK with just a first down or kneel down there.

** Poll on Fox 5 Washington on Monday night: “Who has a better chance of making the playoffs, the Washington Football Team or the Washington Wizards?”

The Wizards have the second best record in the NBA, a league where half the teams make the postseason. In the poll, 89 percent of people picked them.

The Maryland nameless team upset the reigning Super Bowl champion Bucs this week to pull their record to … 3-6. They did jump from fourth place in the NFC East to third. They’ll likely need to finish 7-1 to get a wild card spot. In the poll, 11 percent of people picked them.

Those 11 percent are allowed to vote and drive in the greater DC area, and this is why I fear leaving my house every day.

If you missed the Steelers/Lions matchup on Sunday, congratulations: You probably have a few brain cells left. Fans who watched the game weren’t so lucky. Here’s a recap of some of the lowlights:

** The game was tied at 10 after the first quarter. For the next four quarters (because of course this wretched game went to overtime) the two teams combined for just 12 more points.

** Detroit actually scored another TD, but missed the extra point. After that, their next eight drives resulted in seven punts and a missed FG, including four drives where they lost yards. The FG attempt in overtime, which missed by a sizable margin, was only from 48 yards away.

** The Steelers had the ball on the edge of FG range twice in overtime, and fumbled the ball away both times. They also had another fumble overturned by penalty. On their other overtime possession, they ran three plays and lost 15 yards.

** Detroit had more yards in penalties (84) than passing (77) for the game. They had 1.5 times as many punting yards (464) than total offense (306). And the Steelers still couldn’t win.

** After the game ended in a 16-16 tie, both Detroit RB Godwin Igwebuike and Pittsburgh RB Najee Harris both had comments to reporters saying they assumed the teams would keep playing until there was a winner. “In my mind, I was sitting on the bench saying, ‘I’ve got another quarter to go,’” Harris said.

Since the start of the 2012 season, 10 NFL games have ended in a tie. It’s unusual, but it’s not like a one-in-a-generation thing. The Steelers had one in 2018, and most of the coaching staff and key starters for the team were playing then too. So, I dunno, maybe talk to your teammates during the game and you’ll learn a few things.


It has been a while since we last had a round of anagram insult poetry, but thankfully Dallas wideout Ced Wilson is here to help us end that drought:

** WR Ced Wilson

Weird clowns
wield crowns.
Worlds wince.
Old crew wins.

Recs wild now.
Rid new scowl.
Lewd crow sin,
Old crew wins.

Cows drew nil,
Cons wed wirl.
Cowls drew in,
Old crew wins.

Go ahead and check, each line is an anagram for his name. There’s no cheating here.

Much like the weekly anagram insults, which give us insight into the depths of evil that lie hidden in the letters of the Cowboys’ names, the anagram insult poetry signs to the soul (or the lack thereof) in the Dallas roster. “Weird clowns wield crowns” is a clear reference to the Cowboys leading the NFC East at the moment, which makes the “world wince” as the “old crew wins.”

“Lewd crow sin” is actually the name of the Cowboys 2021 offensive playbook, which has been successful so far this year, except for last week’s stunning upset, when the “cows drew nil” from their offensive plans. But the “cons wed wirl” and returned to their havoc and chaos this week, sadly resulting in more “old crew wins.”

The poetry is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Its wisdom should be used sparingly.

** Dropped another game to Dad in our weekly picks, so I’m only up four for the year and on the wrong side of a two-game losing streak to him. After going 79-41 in my picks in the first eight weeks of the season (66 percent correct) I’ve gone 12-16 the last two weeks (57 percent incorrect). This year is going bonkers.

** Really gonna need Miami to stop winning games so the Eagles can at least get one top-10 pick. It seems like the Giants and Maryland teams are gonna stink enough to push the Eagles into second place, whether they like it or not. The Giants are actually positioned right now to get the #5 pick and the #7 pick, thanks to a trade with the Bears last year.

** Speaking of draft picks, if QB Carson Wentz plays most of the snaps in 3.5 of the Colts last seven games, the Eagles get their first round pick too. Seems pretty plausible at this point they get three picks in the teens … and waste them all.


Week 10 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1287.26 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1244.76 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1211.37 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom), 1193.76 pts
5 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1181.85 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1163.07 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1153.23 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1150.15 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1148.26 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1138.21 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1035.99 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 753.69 pts

Big weeks by Mike (137.77 pts) and Jonathan (127.00 pts) cut into Joanna’s lead atop the standings, while a rough outing for Mom D sent her tumbling down out of the elite tier in the rankings.

Don’t sleep on Bob, whose team is heating up again and climbing slowly back into relevance. Feel free to sleep on my team and everyone below me — Everyone sitting more than 110 pts out of first appears to be treading water right now, following good weeks with bad ones and not making any real progress in the standings.

Speaking of irrelevant teams, the Falcons play this Thursday night against the suddenly surging (but probably more like “cheating”) Patriots. Get your rosters ready and shield your eyes from the horror of the game itself.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 9 recap

A long, long time ago
I can still remember when the football used to make me smile.
And I knew if teams had the chance
They could make the ball advance
And make the fans be happy for a while
But November Sundays made me shiver
With the shoddy product teams delivered
Bad news struck a new tone
They couldn’t find the end zone
I can’t remember if I cried
As my fantasy team shot down my pride
Something was wrong with the lines
The day the offense died

Did you see the Bills at one
And do you have faith in god above
If he allows a Jag’s upset?
Now do you believe the final score
Neither team hit double digits, or
Had a touchdown, in regulation, get set.
Well I know the Packers were quite thin
With Rodgers having the covid
The Chiefs can’t plant their shoes
Bet the over, you would lose
It was a lonely off week for the Bucs
So their scoring remained out of luck
But who knew the Cowboys would just suck
The day the offense died

I saw the Rams just sing the blues
And I asked how they could really lose
With the Titans barely getting 20
I went down to the game box score
Where I’d seen some points come out before
But Bengals said that 16 was just plenty
And in the streets the Panthers screamed
The Niners cried, and the Texans dreamed
But not a cheer was spoken
The scoring sheets were broken
And the Colts, who scored the very most
Played on Thursday, watched by ghosts
They head next week to Florida’s coast
Unless their offense dies.

So bye, bye weeks of seeing points fly
Extra games are making players skill sets just die
And the better teams, they just won’t even try
Until they can get some rest from their bye


(By the way, in case it wasn’t clear, the lyrics above are all about the death of Buddy Holly, probably)

  

QB: Lamar Jackson, 36.64 pts — started by Ant
WR: Elijah Moore, 21.20 pts — started by Jeff
RB: James Conner, 35.23 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Pat Freiermuth, 17.37 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
K: Brandon McManus, 13.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 23.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Xavier McKinney, 13.00 pts — on the wire

If you had this lineup as your daily fantasy entry, you deserve all the money you won. Beyond Jackson, that’s the no-name Olympics up there.

Three of the top seven players this week came from that bonkers 45-30 Colts vs. Jets contest on Thursday night: RB Jonathan Taylor (32.07 pts), QB Carson Wentz (30.18 pts) and QB Josh Johnson (30.48 pts), who came on in relief after the Jets starting QB … Mike White? Oh yeah, that guy who we couldn’t identify last week. I was wondering what team he was on. Anyways, the Jets had two ridiculously good games from QB in consecutive weeks, so keep an eye out for the four horsemen in the next few days.

“My guys” edition

3rd place: Calvin Ridley, 0.00 pts — on my bench
2nd place: Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by me
1st place: Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — on my bench

Fair is fair — I pile on all of you when you start bottom feeders, so it’s only right when I point out that I had two of the three worst players on the week taking up space on my roster. Only the Jets defense managed a lower score this week (-5.00 pts), and that only half counts because they played on Thursday night, where football stats go to die.

Just missing the cut was Panthers QB Sam Darnold, who lived on my bench for a while in another league and returned the truly awful line against the Patriots on Sunday of 172 passing yds, no TDs, three INTs and a hopping 1.78 fantasy pts. Yahoo fantasy’s recap of his weekend stated that “it's a major upset Darnold made it 60 minutes, as he was the worst player on the field for either team this afternoon.”


** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt apparently has an entire monthly show related to “bad beats” now. For the uninitiated, bad beats are when a game appears to have one outcome for bettors, but in the final minutes of the contest, the result switches. Think the Jaguars scoring a last-second touchdown to cover a betting spread.

The fact that there’s an entire show devoted to this is ridiculous in and of itself, but I tuned in a for a few minutes on Friday and saw Van Pelt talking about the Campbell vs. Gardner-Webb football game on Oct. 9. Gardner Webb was favored by 9 points, and the game was tied after three quarters. Campbell ended up scoring twice in the fourth quarter to pull off the win. Van Pelt called it a “bad beat” for everyone who had money on the game.

 
First, that’s not a bad beat. That’s an upset. It’s not like Gardner Webb was up by 20 and blew the lead in the last five minutes. They got beaten. That’s how sports work.

Second, who the hell is betting on Gardner Webb and Campbell? None of you had heard of either of these schools before you read the previous two paragraphs. How many people were putting serious money down on this game between two (checks notes) Big South Conference members?

I guess the answer is “the gambling degenerates who are watching ESPN’s bad beats show,” but still.

** At halftime of Touchdown Radio’s broadcast of Saturday’s Ohio State/Nebraska game, analyst K. C. Jones was asked his opinion of what both teams needed to do to win the close contest. Jones said Nebraska “needed to get back to running the ball, doing what they do well” and that Ohio State “needed to control the line of scrimmage and dominate the running game.”

At that point, Ohio State had rushed for 55 yards but was leading by a touchdown. Nebraska had rushed for 15 yards on 19 attempts. Ohio State won the game … by rushing for 35 more yards and passing for 168 more, almost double their first-half total.

Bad analysis is always part of football announcing. Without it, I wouldn’t rant here every week. But Jones is a former college and NFL center from the 1990s. Every answer from guys like him is “run the ball” or “do what I used to do.” Maybe we could think about updating a few analysts who have watched football in the last 20 years and know what today’s game is about instead?

** Aaron Rodgers, man. Aaron Rogers.

QB #1: 9 starts, 2,198 passing yds, 17 TDs, 3 INTs, 100.1 QB rating
QB #2: 9 starts, 1,883 passing yds, 13 TDs, 11 INTs, 72.8 QB rating
QB #3: 9 starts, 1,981 passing yds, 11 TDs, 4 INTs, 90.9 rating

QB #2, who is clearly a train wreck that can’t be saved, Carson Wentz with the Eagles in 2020. QB #3 is his replacement in 2021, Jalen Hurts, who has better stats, albeit the same losing record. But QB #1, the solid-looking starter, is Carson Wentz with the Colts this year, calling into question whether the problem was the failed first-round pick or just the absolute disaster that has been this team’s receiving corps and offensive scheme.

WR #1: 29 games, 114 catches, 1,586 receiving yds, 7 TDs
WR #2: 28 games, 137 catches, 1,532 receiving yds, 12 TDs
WR #3: 26 games, 109 catches, 1,594 receiving yds, 13 TDs

WR #3 is Eagles/Raiders/Patriots starter Nelson Agholor over the last three seasons, an up-and-down player who no one would consider in the top half of reliable receivers in the NFL. WR #2 is Jets wideout Jamison Crowder, who you couldn’t identify if he ran you over on a bike while wearing his jersey. WR #1 is supposed superstar Odell Beckham Jr., who has been part of a solid Browns offense the last three years that apparently was succeeding despite his play, not because of it.

RB #1: 23 games, 1,605 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #2: 35 games, 1,985 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #3: 24 games, 2,964 rushing yds, 27 TDs

RB #3 is Titans star Derrick Henry over the last two years, which is admittedly so ridiculously better than everyone else that it defies comparisons. RB #2 is Eagles RB Miles Sanders for his entire three-year NFL career thus far, accumulating only about 60 percent of Henry’s output in 11 more games. RB #1 is also a better running back than Sanders, which is disappointing, because that’s not a running back but Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s rushing line over the last two seasons.

QB #1: 8 games, 2,650 passing yds, 25 passing TDs
QB #2: Zero games, zero yds, zero passing TDs

QB #1 is Bucs signal caller Tom Brady, who is the favorite to win another MVP this season. QB #2 is Tom Brady if they had booted his cheating mug from the league years ago, like they should have.


Dallas WR Noah Brown has been with the Cowboys for five years but used sparingly so far this season, with only seven catches in six appearances. At least part of the problem is that the team still doesn’t have a good handle on who Brown is and what his football makeup could be. But that’s not all their fault — a quick look at the letters in Brown’s own name shows he can’t figure out his personal identity crisis:

Wideout Noah Brown
** Who? A buried wonton
** Who? A urine town bod
** Who? A bowed nun riot
** Who? A trowed bunion
** Who? A inbred nut. Woo!

All riots are bad, but nun riots are particularly dangerous, what with all the rulers and crosses.

Full disclosure, Brown’s name also anagrams to “who? A brownie donut” but that sounds delicious so I didn’t include it here.

** Bad slip this week as I lost both of my picks this week to Dad. That leaves me up six after nine weeks, but feeling a little less steady after the loss of momentum. I really can’t get a read on the Browns at all.

** Delaware blew the doors off FCS #23 William and Mary this week which … I think is good? If you thought the FBS rankings were a mess, you should look at the lower divisions. Anyways, the Blue Hens are 5-4 and might have a chance at something maybe I dunno we’ll see.

** My apologies, I know I skipped a few verses in the song, but I felt like the entire column was getting a little overwhelming. But I do have a full “Alice’s Restaurant” rewrite planned for a few weeks from now, and I won’t skimp on a single line.


Week 9 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,174.76 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,120.82 pts
3 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,117.76 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,093.55 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,076.33 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1,075.26 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,075.10 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,055.83 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,040.84 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,015.32 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 922.96 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 688.85 pts

Only five teams topped 100 fantasy pts this week, a testament to how off the normal scoring was. Jo managed to come out on top with 133.81, putting more distance between her and second place. Her 50-plus-pts lead is the largest of the season, just as we hit the halfway point of the too-long 18-game schedule.

Mom D and Jonathan remain locked in silver and bronze position, but don’t sleep on Joel sneaking up the standings. After that it’s a crap shoot, with a bunch of teams circling each other for supremacy of the middle of the pack. Dad remains snarled behind, and Paul remains dead.

Ravens and Dolphins play Thursday night, which would be an interesting match-up if we were talking about actual animals fighting, but less so with these two teams. Get your lineups set anyway.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 8 recap

Clear takeaways from the Eagles big win over the Lions on Sunday:

** The Eagles are not the worst team in football: It’s pretty clear the Lions are. If they could almost get shut out by a 2-5 team, Detroit could have a good chance of a perfect 0-17 season.

** The Eagles are good enough to finish second in the NFC East: Even with a 6-11 record, that could be all that's needed to outpace the Giants or Washington, who are truly awful.

** The Eagles could definitely beat the Noblesville Lions: The Indiana high school team is one of the best in the country, but Sunday’s 44 pts of offense are surely more than the teenagers could handle.

** The Eagles still likely cannot beat a pack of real lions: RBs Boston Scott and Jordan Howard both looked pretty fast on Sunday, but real lions can run up to 50 mph. Plus they have sharp teeth.

** We really didn’t learn much about the Eagles: That game was a joke, as are the Lions. Still, wins are more fun than losses.

QB: Josh Allen, 33.46 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Michael Pittman Jr., 22.73 pts — started by Mike
RB: Michael Carter, 21.70 pts — started by Sam
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 10.93 pts — started by Mike
K: Zane Gonzalez, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adrian Phillips, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Forget about the Eagles having the top defensive team score of Sunday — they were the 13th best fantasy play of week 8, beating every non-QB position player out there. The birds had totaled 29 fantasy pts in the previous seven weeks of football, and nearly doubled that in their game against Detroit. They allowed the lowest point total of any team this week and actually outscored the Lions with their defense alone (7-6). And all of that really says nothing you need to know about the Eagles’ skill and everything you need to know about the Lions’ sorry excuse for a team.

The third-best quarterback on the week was Mike White, and if I give you three guesses you still won’t be able to come up with what team he plays for. Fantasy football is weird.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Chicago, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire

I told you, Detroit is not good.

Raise your hand if you predicted Patrick Mahomes leading the league in interceptions halfway through the season. He has 10 now, with 11 total turnovers in the last four weeks alone, facing off against elite defenses like … checks notes .. the Giants and Washington Football-ish Team. The Chiefs barely squeaked by the Giants on Monday night, and face the first-place Packers, first-place Raiders and first-place Cowboys in their next three games. It might be time to sell all of your Andy Reid stock.


** Headline from the Guardian late last week: “The Giants remain New York City’s best NFL team. But that’s faint praise.”

Two big problems with that:

 
1 — The Jets won on Sunday and the Giants didn’t, giving them a better record (2-5) than the Giants (2-6). They also have arguably better wins (over the Titans and Bengals) than the Giants (over the Saints and Panthers).

2 — Neither of those teams play in New York City. MetLife Stadium is in New Jersey, not New York. If you’re counting neighboring states, then the best New York City NFL team is the New England Patriots.

** Former backup QB turned ESPN football expert Brian Griese, on Monday night football, dropped this gem while the Giants were facing third-and-one on their own half of the field in the fourth quarter of a tie game. “This is a time when you need emotion.”

On the next play, FB Elijhaa Penny caught a 16-yard pass, then got flagged for a 15-yard personal foul penalty for taunting the defensive back he beat. Griese’s immediate response: “You can’t do that! This is what we were just talking about!”

No, you were just talking about playing with more emotion. Seems like he followed your advice perfectly.

NFL teams as Halloween candy:

-- Green Bay Packers: Skittles
Reliably fun with crazy colors.

-- Jacksonville Jaguars: Necco wafers
No idea who ever liked them or why they’re still being made

-- Pittsburgh Steelers: Hershey bars
They’re never great, but never terrible either. Old reliable

-- Tennessee Titans: Milk Duds
A wonderful experience right up until the inevitable injury ruins everything.

-- Houston Texans: Good and Plenty
I’m sure there was a time this seemed like a good idea, but that time is gone now

-- Arizona Cardinals: Tootsie rolls
People will insist they are good, but no one really believes them

-- New England Patriots: Snickers bars with razor blades in them
Willing to do whatever it takes to stand out in the crowd

-- New York Jets: Circus peanuts
These were also popular once. Now we should never speak of them again.

Cowboys QB Dak Prescott was a surprise last-minute scratch on Sunday night with a calf injury, leading to concerns among the Dallas faithful (just kidding, those people aren’t faithful, they’re cheating jerks) about the long-term health of their offensive centerpiece.

Prescott missed most of the season last year, but it appears the injury isn’t that serious. Prescott said he expects to play next week’s game, and the words themselves show that this wound is little more than another underhanded Dallas scam:

Cowboys Dak Prescott leg injury
** Grown boy specked: I just cry a lot.

Remember, you can’t spell “Dak Prescott” without “rotted packs.”

** A huge Sunday for me, as I picked up three games on Dad in our weekly picks. He’s down eight now, and I think half of that total comes from him betting against the Titans. Meanwhile, my strategy of “never believe in the Jaguars or Jets” is largely paying off.

** FYI, there is an outside chance the Cowboys could clinch the NFC East on Thanksgiving Day. They’d have to win out and be 10-1 at that point, with at least 8 losses each for the other three loser division rivals. That’s not completely out of the question.

** Each year around this time I get angry at the state of the NFL, and then college football comes out with its playoff rankings and I’m reminded just how bad everything about the NCAA’ system is. But, yeah, an Alabama team with one loss definitely deserves to be ahead of multiple undefeated teams, because reasons.


Week 8 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,040.95 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,035.53 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,033.82 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 982.71 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 979.52 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 976.22 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 965.66 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 933.47 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 917.78 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 916.34 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 835.33 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 629.26 pts

It’s getting really interesting at the top of the standings. Joanna is still barely holding onto her lead, after Jonathan’s team posted its second consecutive 150-plus-pts explosion. Mom D rounds up the tier of teams that have already collected 1,000 fantasy pts, with a big gap between third place and fourth.

There’s a logjam for the next four teams, followed by Bob, whose fall from grace has been swift and painful (just 55.13 pts this week, with four starters on a bye next week.) Ant saw a similar beat down on Sunday, while Dad remains in football purgatory. Paul still has not been sighted for weeks.

Week 9 features a Thursday night Jets game and only three contests where both teams have winning records, so good luck with that. Just remember to get those rosters set and try not to look directly at any terrible match-ups.