Fantasy league 2018 -- week 7 recap

 

Misery loves company, and Sunday was pretty miserable for the Philly faithful. Blowing a 17-point lead in the 4th quarter puts them in the running for the worst finish of the football week, but it’s not the slam dunk gut punch that you may think. Consider these other awful finishes:

** The Browns lost in overtime against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on a 59-yard FG after the Cleveland punt returner fumbled moments earlier. The loss dropped the Browns to 0-3-1 in overtime games this season alone. That a lot of late anguish.

** The Cowboys scored a TD with three minutes left in their game to pull within three points of the Maryland Racial Slurs, then got the ball back and sped down to the 28-yard line to attempt a game-tying FG. Then they took a false-start penalty and hit the upright with their 52-yard kick … that absolutely would have been good from five yards closer.

** The Bears, down seven points to the Patriots, completed a 54-yard pass on the final play of the game. Unfortunately, they were 55 yards from the end zone. The game ended with WR Kevin White tackled a few inches short of the game-tying score.

** The Ravens, down seven points, drove 81 yards in less than two minutes in the fourth quarter to tie their game against the Saints … or, it would have been tied, if K Justin Tucker hadn’t missed the first extra point of his career, giving Baltimore a one-point loss.

** The Falcons played the Giants Monday night, and entering the fourth quarter they weren’t leading by 70 pts. That’s a hard ending to watch, because the Giants are garbage, and should not be on the field with a real, professional football team.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 40.82 pts — started by Ant
WR: Emmanuel Sanders, 22.92 pts — started by Jim
RB: Kareem Hunt, 32.77 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Trey Burton, 18.90 pts — started by me
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Denver, 33.00 pts — on the wire
D: Cory Littleton, 18.00 pts — on the wire

It’s always the defenses.

Interrupting this week’s edition of “how many Chiefs can make the top player list” is the QB of the one and only Philly Special, Mr. Trey Burton, now the #1 TE for the Bears. He had his best game of the year by far on Sunday, racking up nine catches for 126 yds and a TD against those pesky Patriots again. Apparently, dude should play them every week.

Also Pat Mahomes is currently worth 46 more fantasy pts than the second highest scoring player in the league and is on pace for 51 TDs on the season blah blah blah.


“Players you know” edition

3rd place: Jacoby Brissett, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Matt Breida, -0.50 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Derek Anderson, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Breida won a tight race for the title of “fantasy team killer” this week, barely edging out Melvin Gordon, who was a late scratch for the 9:30 am game, leaving tens of thousands of fantasy owners with an unexpected goose egg when they woke up. But the San Fran RB did him one better, actually taking pts away from owners who started him, thanks to a fumble and five carries before getting injured.

For the record, I started them both in one of my pay leagues. No, I’m not bitter. Why do you ask?

Special shout out to Cardinals QB Josh Rosen, who was barley worth positive points and threw more TDs to his opponents (two INTs returned for scores) than his own team (one TD to the ageless WR Larry Fitzgerald). It didn’t quite work out to a better reverse QB rating than his actual QB rating, much to my disappointment. But I still wanted to ridicule him.


** From the Washington Post college football preview on Saturday: “College GameDay makes its first stop in Pullman (Washington) … It was big enough news that Washington State QB Gardner Minshew and his teammates momentarily halted a competitive pumpkin carving contest when they heard the announcement.”

I have a lot of questions. How does that work? Are points awarded for speed? Is it smart to encourage professional athletes to work quickly with knives? Did they return to the contest after celebrating the TV news? What happened to the pumpkins afterwards? And was one of the coaches fired over this nonsense? Because if not, they should have been.

** Erin Andrews grabbed Maryland Racial Slurs RB Adrian Peterson after his team’s big win over the Cowboys to get his reaction. Her first question: “Adrian, what was it like to play in your first NFC East rivalry game?”

Look, I love me some NFC East love. But Adrian Peterson played in a few dozen games for the Vikings against the Bears and the Packers. Those aren’t minor rivalries. I understand that everyone in sports media thinks the Cowboys are the pinnacle of everything, even though they’ve only won one playoff game in the last 20 years, but this is just another important division game for Peterson. It’s not like his first playoff win or Super Bowl appearance.

Incidentally, he won’t get a playoff win or a Super Bowl appearance this year either.

** ESPN headline on Sunday night: “Eagles' late meltdown could come back to bite them”

Thank you for that insightful analysis. I thought blowing a 17-point lead would be good for this team long-term, but after reading the article, I realized that being 3-4 might not be good news.

The Eagles make their first trip to London this week in the 11-year history of the NFL’s storied “international series,” which has featured 23 other games in England and two games elsewhere. Apparently “international” just means “British.”

The Eagles will square off against the Jacksonville Jaguars, who have played a game in London every year since 2013, giving them a distinct home field advantage. But the birds have been working hard this week to understand the differences between football stateside and football across the pond to make sure they are prepared for the contest. Their prep includes:

** To deal with the language differences, coaches are explaining that that in London a “lift” is an elevator, a “boot” is a car’s trunk, and “roughing the passer” is still whatever the refs feel like it means at that moment.

** Since the Brits drive on the other side of the road, the Eagles are experimenting with sending RB Wendell Smallwood up the left side of the field to get tackled for a loss instead of up the right side.

** To better match local customs, all yard lines have been converted to meter lines and the Eagles offense has been perfecting their “1st and 9.144” drills.

** Taking a page from soccer, K Jake Elliot is planning on kicking more balls in between the uprights instead of on the outside.

** To cope with the jet lag from the long flight, the Eagles defense is planning to take a nap for the entire fourth quarter, just like they did last week.


As I mentioned earlier, Dallas suffered its own backbreaking loss on Sunday, thanks to a controversial snap procedure penalty on longtime long snapper L.P. Ladouceur. After the game, he was despondent over the call, noting it was the first time in his 14-year career he had ever seen refs step in this way. But who was he really upset at: the refs, or himself? Just look at what the letters say:

Penalty on LS Louis-Philippe “L.P.” Ladouceur
** I spun thou ill. Dope play calls ruin people, I pout

Hey, wanna feel old? This is the second time that I’ve done an anagram on Ladouceur. The other time was a decade ago. Seriously. This bit has been happening long enough to be in middle school.

Also, now that you clicked on that, please never look back in the archives again. That was … a different time.

** If you haven’t seen this Delaware kick return TD yet this week, you ain’t paying enough attention to real football.

** Dad and I split this week, so I remain seven games back. Thank you again Justin Tucker for missing that extra point, or I could have been down nine.

** Just a friendly reminder that no matter how hard this current Eagles team fails, last year still counts and Nick Foles will still be a Super Bowl MVP.

Week 7 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 970.89 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 925.55 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 857.07 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 840.19 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 839.42 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 829.32 pts
7 — I Can Haz Igglez (Paul), 826.14 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 798.14 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 779.39 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 740.35 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 722.75 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 687.44 pts

Welcome back to Mom D, who has pulled herself all the way up from last place to the top half of the standings. But it’s still a long climb up to the top.

In fact, it’s getting a little longer for most of the league. Ant and I are turning this season into a two-team race, and he still has an extra week of Patrick Mahomes pts to catch up to where I am. Paul continues to be strong with the name game and weak with the fantasy game. And Mike is still in the league.

Next week is the halfway point of the season, when we start eliminating a team each week in a violent, televised deathmatch to eventually purge of all the unworthy coaches from the presence of the eventual, pure champion. Or we’ll just keep the same scoring and go nine more weeks. Tune in next Tuesday and we’ll see which one we decided upon.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 6 recap

Since the Eagles won the Super Bowl (happened last February, in case you forgot), I’ve been receiving mail for championship-related products nearly every week. Some are simple — commemorative footballs, coins — and most are ridiculous. This week’s may be my favorite.

Introducing the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl LII Christmas Tree Collection, only $249.91 (payable in four or 12 installments, pre-tax). It includes:

** Four “etched-brass ornaments featuring ‘Foles’ and ‘Jeffery,’ the ‘Helmet’ and ‘Eagles’ logo.” (No idea why helmet is capitalized.)

** A three-foot silver foil Christmas tree with an Eagles ribbon wrapped around it.

** A mini Christmas village with an Eagles bus, an Eagles restaurant across from an Eagles diner, and “the stadium main gate” for a venue that is clearly not Lincoln financial field.

** Three more “etched-brass” ornaments featuring the Super Bowl logo, Nick Foles inside a foam finger shape, and Zach Ertz catching a TD but looking like he’s lying down.

** A customizable mini scoreboard that always has the Super Bowl final score, so I don’t know what you are customizing.

** A snowy white tree skirt with green trim.

Anyways, you know my birthday and Christmas are both coming up, so remember to order today. I’m told supplies are limited.

QB: Jameis Winston, 38.90 pts — on Dad’s bench
WR: Tyreek Hill, 30.97 pts — started by Sam
RB: Todd Gurley, 34.93 pts — started by Bob
TE: Austin Hooper, 15.23 pts — on Mike’s bench
K: Jason Myers, 27.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 26.00 pts — started by Mom
D: Budda Baker, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Winston becomes the second Tampa Bay QB to be the top scoring passer on the week this season, which is bonkers. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 400-plus yards in his first three starts, then lost his job when Winston came back from injury the same week Fitzmagic had a lousy week. Football is a cruel, cruel sport.

Related (but not really), Gurley’s 208 rushing yards on Sunday were not only the most by any RB this season but also were more than Dion Lewis, Jay Ajayi, LeGarrette Blount, Devonta Freeman, Leonard Fournette or Dalvin Cook have on the entire year. So, he had a good day.


“Players with funny names” edition

3rd place: Roc Thomas, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Quincy Enunwa, -0.90 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud III, -1.01 pts — on the wire

C’mon, Ray-Ray. You’re making thirds look bad out there.

Enunwa is the real shocker here. After catching at least 50 yds in his first four games, he was shut out last week and caught only one pass this week, then fumbled it and broke his ankle on the same play. That’s a pretty steep fall off.

Roc Thomas was born in 1995, so he’ll probably play better after he gets done puberty.

** Following their loss to the Eagles on Thursday night, which featured a back-breaking interception on the second play of the game, Giants coach Pat Shurmur dismissed calls to bench aging, deteriorating QB Eli Manning. “We believe in Eli," he said.

Eli has won two of his last 11 starts. So, good luck with that.

** With the Chiefs trailing the Patriots 24-9 at halftime, NBC studio host Mike Tirico said that entering the second half “getting into the end zone is going to be important.” That’s the kind of insight only a professional can provide.

** But wait! A day later, on ESPN, commentator Joe Tessitore said that even though the Chiefs lost the game, he left the contest feeling more confident in Kansas City QB Pat Mahomes because “he goes on the road, toe-to-toe with Brady, and we really learned who he is.”
He’s the QB that lost, FYI. If that’s your standard, then Eli Manning is the QB you respect the most in football right now.

America’s second favorite sport begins its 2018 season tonight, with a series of NBA tip-offs across the country. With hockey already in full swing, let’s take a look at the competition status and most likely championship contenders in each sport:

2018 champ:
NFL — Philadelphia Eagles
NHL — Washington Capitals
NBA — Golden State Warriors

2017 champ:
NFL — New England Patriots
NHL — Pittsburgh Penguins
NBA — Golden State Warriors

2019 favorites now:
NFL — Los Angeles Rams
NHL — Toronto Maple Leafs
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Sports Illustrated championship pick:
NFL — Atlanta Falcons
NHL — Tampa Bay Lightning
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Dark horse pick:
NFL — New Orleans Saints
NHL — Nashville Predators
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Philly homer pick:
NFL — Philadelphia Eagles
NHL — Philadelphia Flyers
NBA — Philadelphia 76ers … lose to the Golden State Warriors in seven

This is also your annual reminder than in the last 35 years, only 11 different teams have won a championship in basketball. In the NFL, they’ve had 11 different champs in the last 21 years. In hockey, it’s 11 in the last 18 years.

Parity has no home in the NBA.


With the retirement of Jason Witten at the end of last season, the Cowboys were faced with a formidable hole to fill at their tight end position. One of their attempts to do so was drafting Stanford TE Dalton Schultz in the fourth round. So what does he bring to the table? Exactly what you’d expect from the team:

Dallas Rookie TE Dalton Chase Schultz
** Zero soul, no tact, halted skill, dad aches

But other than that, he’s a home run.

** I won a week against Dad! Granted, I only picked up one game, and I’m still down a TD with an extra point. But every long journey starts with small steps.

** Don’t look now, but Delaware is 4-2 and just cracked the top 25 in the Football Championship Series. They knocked off #11 Elon this week in convincing fashion. Next up is 1-6 New Hampshire.

** Seven different defenses posted negative fantasy pts this week. We may need to look into a zero defense option next year.

Week 6 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 816.12 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 786.21 pts
3 — The Iggle Has Landed (Paul), 751.99 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 739.16 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 736.68 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 722.09 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 700.95 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 679.74 pts
9 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 679.29 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 631.84 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 613.93 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 587.22 pts

Now we’re getting somewhere. Ant and Paul continue to creep closer to the top spot, while Mom D and Bob made huge leaps this week to pull themselves into the middle of the pack. That meant large tumbles for Jo and Joel. Also, Mike is still in the league.

Don’t forget: This week has a 9:30 am game on Sunday (Titans vs. Chargers) and another Thursday night game (with more Joe Buck! Yay!). Also there may be a game at 4:35 a.m. on Saturday morning. I dunno, the NFL just schedules them whenever the hell it feels like anymore.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 5 recap

Current Eagles RB depth chart:

1 — Jay Ajayi ~~ Status: Dead. Out for the season with a torn ACL.
2 — Darren Sproles ~~ Status: Mostly dead. Out since week 1 with leg injuries.
3 — Corey Clement ~~ Status: Possibly alive. Out since week 3 with leg injuries.
4 — Wendell Smallwood ~~ Status: Alive, but who cares? Cannot pick up the pass rush due to his 4-foot-5 frame.
5 — Josh Adams ~~ Status: Undetermined. I literally never heard of him before last week.
6 — Duce Staley ~~ Status: RB coach. May suit up this week anyways.
7 — Lesean McCoy ~~ Status: Only a dream.

 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 34.68 pts — started by Jim
WR: Odell Beckham, 25.83 pts — started by Ant
RB: Todd Gurley, 30.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Eric Ebron, 23.50 pts — started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Josh Bynes, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Yeah, Cincinnati’s D also scored 23 pts, but I don’t feel like rearranging the chart up there for another player left on the wire.

Not on the list of top performers was Saints RB Alvin Kamara, who had been averaging almost 27 pts a game this season. This week he got 5. On Monday night, New Orleans scored 43 pts without ever really looking Kamara’s way, limiting him to under 10 touches for the first time this season in favor of overworking RB Mark Ingram, just back from a drug suspension. Ingram had twice as many plays as Kamara and two TDs. Remember that next time someone tells you crime doesn’t pay.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Joshua Dobbs, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, -0.53 pts — on the wire
1st place: Rod Streater, -1.10 pts — on the wire

Cleveland WR Streater’s stats through five games this year: 1 carry, -11 yds. Other than that, though, he has looked great.

At the moment, 11 offensive players have negative fantasy pts on the year. Seven of them are backup QBs, with a variety of kneel downs and garbage time turnovers. But we still have four wideouts on the list, which is more fun because it takes more incompetence to get negative pts when you don’t start the play with the ball.

** There’s a new NFL.com fantasy football commercial that opens with a man staring blankly into the camera:

“No job, no family, just walk away from it all. That’s my number one fantasy.”
Camera zooms out, his buddy beside him on the couch says, “No, Bill, what’s your number one fantasy pick?”

Dazed, the guy replies, “Oh, David Johnson?”

Everyone in the room replies, “Good pick, nice pick.” And then the narrator obliviates.

Let forget for a moment that this is a dark, dark, dark commercial for something as light and frivolous as fantasy football, and that the crowd in the commercial just ignored clear homicidal inklings from this man. I want to focus on his pick instead, because it’s terrible.

Rams RB Todd Gurley was the clear #1 pick for the season. Johnson is fine, I took him #3 overall. But c’mon. We’re five weeks into the season and the guy is the #12 RB in the league, and that’s only because a handful of guys had bye weeks already. If you took Johnson #1, you deserve the miserable life you have created.

Just don’t take it out on the wife and kids, OK?

** Headline by ESPN this weekend: Northwestern WR hit square in face, leads to INT. It’s accurate and as dumb as it sounds.

** In that Monday night game, with the Saints leading 40-13 halfway through the third quarter, ESPN talking thing Booger McFarland said that he was stunned that the Maryland Racial Slurs “aren’t playing with more urgency.”

Yeah, that was the problem. Not the 40 pts surrendered in 40 minutes. It was the lack of urgency.

Actual items for sale on NFLshop.com right now:

** $999 — a game worn Tyrod Taylor jersey
One of only three in existence, since he has already been benched in favor of Baker Mayfield.

** $3.99 — a Geno Smith car decal
Smith last played for the Jets in early 2016, and has been on three other teams’ rosters since.

** $31.99 — a white NFL bucket hat
No team. Just a white hat with the NFL logo. For $32.

** $1399.99 — An autographed Dak Prescott helmet
I costs $200 more than a helmet signed by Emmitt Smith, a player who won at least one playoff game.

** $69.99 — a bobblehead of Trey Burton throwing the Philly special to Nick Foles
This price is ridiculous and I need this.


With so many new players on an NFL roster each year, it can be difficult to keep the team culture coherent and consistent. Some franchises do this with repeated practice techniques and trust building exercises. The Cowboys achieve it through a commitment to evil and satanic worship. Consider yet another one of their rookies this year:

First-year Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Chris Covington
** Bad by clan. I give no cares to others. I scowl at your slick friends.

I understand scowling at my dull friends. But at the slick ones too? Unreal.

** I dropped THREE MORE games to Dad this week to fall eight games behind him for the season in our weekly picks. I cannot figure out any of these games right now. I especially can’t figure out why the 49ers are losing so many games with Joe Montana at QB. He is still there, right?

** I double checked, and the Vikings winning on Sunday doesn’t erase the result of the NFC Championship game last year. Just saying.

** The Browns are 1-1-1 in overtime games this season, which pretty much sums up the weirdness of the NFL in 2018 so far.

Week 5 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 678.80 pts
2 — Waiting for Wentz (Paul), 638.01 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 631.16 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 619.35 pts
5 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 610.19 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 586.53 pts
7 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 581.84 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 541.12 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 523.56 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 513.45 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 511.51 pts
12 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 509.61 pts

Paul continues to change team names and continues to climb the standings. There’s a lesson to be learned here, folks. Innovation inspires the team. Maybe if the Cardinals change their name each week they’d be 5-0. Of course, Paul also started three players who each scored zero pts, so maybe it’s just dumb luck.

This is a good time to remind everyone that Yahoo predicted Paul’s team would finish 11th this year and Bob’s would finish second, and that most fantasy football projections are total garbage. Of course, sometimes they get it right, like when they predicted my squad would end up in first place.

Not only is there a Thursday game (featuring the remains of the Eagles vs. the Giants) but we also have our first London game of the year this week. So set your rosters early and often. And then reset them when late injury news comes out. And maybe again at midnight on Saturday just to be sure. Remember when football was just on Sundays?

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 4 recap

Possible explanations for the Flyers' new mascot, Gritty.

** The Flyers had a lot of leftover industrial-sized mops that became sentient.
** Claude Giroux just needs to shave badly.
** The Flyers wanted to distract you from the Eagles' very obvious secondary problems.
** The Capitals won the Stanley Cup so now none of hockey makes sense.
** The Flyers really, really, really hate children.

 

QB: Mitchell Trubisky, 55.46 pts — on the wire
WR: Cooper Kupp, 27.38 pts — started by Paul
RB: Alvin Kamara, 37.03 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jared Cook, 23.83 pts — started by Ant
K: (tie) Justin Tucker, 16.00 pts — started by Dad
K: (tie) Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Green Bay, 28.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
D: Jadeveon Clowney, 14.00 pts — started by Jeff

Four weeks into the season, and so far we’ve only started the top scoring QB once. In fact, the league this week managed to leave the top four QBs riding the pine: Jared Goff had 49.30 pts on Jim’s bench, Andrew Luck had 44.16 on Dad’s bench, and Derek Carr had 39.58 pts on Bob’s bench.

In our defense, Trubisky’s six TD outburst was near impossible to predict. Coming into Sunday, he had thrown for six TDs in his previous 10 games combined. He had seven passing TDs all last season. And the Bears’ 48-10 win over the Bucs wasn’t just the most points Chicago has scored with Trubisky under center, it’s also only the second time in 16 of his starts the team topped 28 points. So congrats if your crystal ball showed that one.


“More defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Cincinnati, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) New Jersey Giants, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Minnesota, -5.00 pts — started by Jeff

To be honest, there weren’t any fun offensive player disasters this week. A few backup QBs got -0.20 pts for knee downs at the end of the game, but that’s all. For the season, Bills QB Nathan Peterman is still the clear leader in awful fantasy play, with -2.94 pts in his only start (and a zero QB rating). Close behind him is former Eagles S Tre Sullivan, who was cut after an idiotic play in the season opener where he turned over a punt in a key second-half series.

Don’t worry, there will be plenty more bad players to come.

** During Saturday night’s ABC college football showcase, Allstate force their way into the day’s highlight with the “Mayhem Moment” of the day. It was a fourth and short conversion late in the 4th quarter of Clemson’s come-from-behind win over Syracuse.

I can’t think of a moment that was less mayhem. Clemson was heavily favored in the game. The fourth-down conversion came with several minutes left in the game, at midfield. The Tigers still needed to march down and get a TD to win the game. And the play itself was a simple out pattern.

“Mundane but significant moment of the day”? Sure. But there was no mayhem.

** The play-by-play crew for the Tampa Bay/Bears game, in the midst of QB Mitch Trubisky’s improbably six TD day, noted that Bucs QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was having an awful game and blurted out “It’s not Fitzmagic today, it’s Trubisky-magic!”

No. Stop it. The first nickname was bad enough but at least it kind of rhymed. What you said just made us all dumber.

** Speaking of awful nicknames, the Monday Night Football crew referred to Chiefs QB Pat Mahomes as “Showtime Mahomes” roughly 700 times during the game. I get that he has had an unbelievable start. This was also his first prime-time game of his NFL career, so “showtime” is a little premature.

Also, it’s a lousy sounding nickname. You know what would actually work here? “Magic Mahomes.” Why is this the only person you’re not calling magic? Do I have to explain alliteration to the entire NFL?

Pick which of these three is the best kicker:

Kicker #1: 10 years, 263 made FGs (40th all-time), 82% accuracy, 8 over 50 yds, two Pro Bowls, 26 playoff FGs, three Super Bowl rings.

Kicker #2: 13 years, 304 made FGs (28th all-time), 87% accuracy, 32 over 50 yds, one Pro-Bowl, 30 playoff FGs, one Super Bowl ring.

Kicker #3: 16 years, 386 made FGs (11th all-time), 81% accuracy, 27 over 50 yds, six Pro-Bowls, 39 playoff FGs, one Super Bowl appearance.

The answer is obviously kicker #3, who is David Akers, the greatest kicker in Philly and NFL history. He has better overall stats than kicker #1 — Adam Vinatieri, who played a decade for the Patriots — or kicker #2 — Adam Vinatieri, who played for the Colts after the Patriots for another decade and just set the all-time record for FGs made in a career.

But, good on Vinatieri for being the second and third best kickers of all time.


Speaking of kickers, Dallas managed to eke out a win over the Lions on Sunday thanks to a last-second FG by their new kicker, Brett Maher. Maher has big shoes to fill (literally, since Dan Bailey had size 200 feet) but is already doing his part to make the world a little worse by helping the Cowboys. In fact, the team already has a long list of nicknames using the letters in his name that show his inner colors:

** Kicker Brett Maher
Mr. Thick beer taker
Mr. Break the ticker
Mr. Teeth back irker
Mr. Hick trek beater
Mr. Tick breath reek

I can’t read the teeth one without my jaw hurting.

** I split the picks with Dad this week, and remain five behind him for the year. On the plus side, I finally got a win with Oakland. So that’s potentially momentum building.

** Speaking of Oakland, they were literally less than two minutes away from a tie with Cleveland, which would have been the Browns’ second on the year and would have spectacularly destroyed the standings. I’m going to be rooting for another Browns’ tie every week for the rest of the season.

** Baseball is apparently still happening. The Dodgers winning the NL West means Chase Utley is still playing, so I guess I still care?

Week 4 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 553.70 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 516.25 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 512.41 pts
4 — [Creative Team Name] (Paul), 501.58 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 490.76 pts
6 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 479.47 pts
7 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 474.49 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 424.32 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 419.95 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 413.11 pts
11 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 397.61 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 395.14 pts

Paul changed his team name and changed his fortunes this week, jumping from seventh to fourth behind the best pts total of the week. Jo climbed up to bronze place with a solid week, and Jim and Sam both tumbled out of the top tier. But everyone still remains a good distance back from my team, still playing inspired by last year’s Super Bowl MVP.

At the other end, Dad and Mike have some work to do. We’re getting a bubble right in the middle of the standings, so it’s best to get those scores up before you get buried at the bottom.

Play resumes Thursday night with the Patriots taking on the remains of the Colts, so be sure to watch out for those bye weeks early.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 3 recap

** The Browns (1-1-1) on Thursday won their first game since Christmas Eve 2016 (and only their second game since mid-December 2015)

** The Lions (1-2) on Sunday had their first 100-yard rusher since Thanksgiving 2013, a span of 70 games.

** The Patriots (1-2) have a losing record after three weeks of play for the first time since September 2012. They finished 12-4 that season anyway.

** The Bills (1-2) were 17-point underdogs on Sunday but beat the Vikings (1-1-1) for the biggest gambling upset since 1995, when the Cowboys lost to the Maryland Racial Slurs.

** Eli Manning, QB of the New Jersey Giants (1-2), threw two TDs and had no turnovers in Sunday’s win over the Texans, the first time he has done that in a year and only the second time his last 22 games. It also marked the first time since 1938 (when ‘Snow White’ was released) that a Dopey dwarf has been successful in Texas.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 50.16 pts — started by me
WR: Calvin Ridley, 32.13 pts — on the wire
RB: Adrian Peterson, 24.00 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Vance McDonald, 15.47 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Will Lutz, 15.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Buffalo, 20.00 pts — on the wire
D: Bud Dupree, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Worth noting that this list excludes Drew Brees, who threw for three TDs and rushed for another in a win over Matt Ryan’s Falcons. Ryan’s two two-point conversions give him the edge in fantasy pts, but a deficit in the standings.

And for those of you keeping score at home, the top fantasy QB on the year so far was undrafted (Ryan Fitzpatrick), the #4 and #5 wideouts on the year were undrafted (Calvin Ridley and DeSean Jackson) and the #4 RB on the year was undrafted (James Connor). So nobody knows anything about fantasy sports.


“Defenses we started” edition

2nd place: (tie) Green Bay, -1.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
2nd place: (tie) New Orleans, -1.00 pts — started by Ant
1st place: Atlanta, -5.00 pts — started by Joel

Not a good week for defenses: As a league we started three defenses that scored negative pts vs. only one that scored double digits (I started the 5th ranked Rams D, earning 14 pts). Only three of the top six defenses on the year are owned right now. Ant’s starting defense has zero pts through three weeks, for crying out loud.

What I’m saying is, it might be time for some panic waiver moves.

** During the third quarter of the Dallas/Seattle game (which Dallas lost, by the way), SS Jeff Heath went down with a leg injury. Fox talking head Joe Buck reacted this way:

“That’s potentially a huge injury for the Cowboys. Jeff Heath is pretty much out there the whole game, be it defense, special teams or whatever.”

What’s the “whatever,” Joe? There are only three phases to the football game: offense, defense and special teams. What does Joe Buck think there is? Offensive defense? Special offense? Pre-game motivational speaking? Confirmation hearings?

** Raiders head coach Jon Gruden (whose team is 0-3) was asked by a reporter last week why the team isn’t having more success pressuring opposing quarterbacks. His answer: “It’s hard to find a great (pass rusher). It’s hard to find a good one.”

In case you forgot, Gruden fought with DE Khalil Mack before the start of the season and traded him to the Bears. Since then, Mack has 11 tackles, 4 sacks, three forced fumbles, one interception and a touchdown in three games.

I dunno, maybe they’re not that hard to find if you just don’t act like a jerk to the guys on the team you just parachuted into.

For no reason anyone can figure out, the NFL announced Maroon 5 as their Super Bowl halftime show headliner in 2019. If league officials were obsessed with that numerical color combo for some reason, here were five options that would have been significantly better entertainment choices:

 ** Former Cardinals QB Drew Stanton — Like Maroon 5, when Stanton was wearing the Arizona maroon uniforms, he had a lot of talent but couldn’t quite put it all together. Unlike Maroon 5, his bad playing was mainly upsetting to the eyes, not the ears.

** British fireworks — Certain explosive rockets in England are known as “maroons.” They are both more colorful and less painful to listen to than Maroon 5.

** The Maroon Bells — This series of mountain peaks in Colorado is one of the most beautiful and tranquil places on Earth … pretty much the exact opposite of a soul-crushing Maroon 5 concert.

** The FOX NFL pre-game crew — Technically, they’re five morons and not Maroon 5, but they’ll probably be there anyways, so inviting them would limit the damage on the public.

** Five cans of maroon paint — Watching the paint dry would be more stimulating than a Maroon 5 halftime show.


Another rookie learning the inner workings of the evil Dallas empire this season is USC defensive lineman Antwaun Woods. Now, coming from USC, Woods already knows what it’s like to play for a self-absorbed hype factory. But does that make him Dallas material? Just look at the message in his name and decide for yourself:

** Cowboys rookie Antwaun Woods
Wow, boy. A non-stud. A sicko wooer.

FYI, this anagram was almost contained “dude woos boys” but even I have my limits. But the fact that it was so easy to find tells you about the character of these guys.

** Great news! I split the weekly picks with Dad (just barely, thanks Pittsburgh). Bad news: That means I’m still down five in the season series. It’s OK, still plenty of time to catch up once I learn to stop picking Oakland.

** My alma mater, Delaware, got crushed by Carson Wentz’s alma mater, South Dakota State, on Saturday by a score of 38-10. This makes me sad but makes him happy so he probably plays better so I’m happy too? Anyways, I’m conflicted. And the Blue Hens are 2-2.

** USC has a wideout named Amon-Ra St. Brown and frankly I just don’t know what to do with that.

Week 3 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 417.58 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 391.28pts
3 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 371.88 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 370.28 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 361.21 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 346.95 pts
7 — Character Limit? WTF (Sam), 346.52 pts pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 345.79 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 319.42 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 308.56 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 308.13 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 303.46 pts

Well, well, what do we have here...

It only took me three weeks to reclaim my rightful spot atop the Awesome Cup rankings. It’s amazing what a 50-pts day from your QB will do to your overall score.

Strong showings by Ant, Jim and Jo to climb up the standings, while Sam and Joel both took big tumbles from the week before. But don’t worry. No one in the league is mathematically out of it yet, unlike the Arizona Cardinals, who were eliminated from post-season contention with their third consecutive awful loss on Sunday.

Week 4 starts with the Vikings and Rams on Fox on Thursday night, which is far too good of a contest for a non Sunday match-up. I’ll have to look into where to complain about that.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 2 recap

** Sunday’s Packers/Vikings tie game was the second non-win, non-loss of the year so far, tying (get it?) the record for the most ties in an NFL season since 1974 (when the league adopted the sudden-death format). The league now has a mere 224 games left in the season to break that record, and both of the ties involved teams who will play each other again this season.

** In the last 44 years, there have only been 24 ties across almost 10,000 games. But amazingly, this season is the fourth time over that span ties have happened in consecutive weeks. It’s also the third time in that span that the Packers and Vikings have played to a tie. And remember, the Packers and Vikings still play another time this year.

** Having two ties early in the season with three teams expected to be in the playoff race (the Steelers, Packers and Vikings) means that figuring out playoff scenarios will be screwed up All. Season. Long. Think the playoff tiebreakers are confusing now? How does common opponents work when a tie gets in there? What happens if one of these teams picks up a second tie? What if the Packers and Vikings tie again?

** Right now, a Packers bow tie costs $19.99 on NFL shop. A Vikings traditional straight tie costs $24.99. The actual game tie could cost one of these teams a playoff spot.

** The Sunday after Thanksgiving is also known as National Tie One On day, where individuals are encouraged to give back to their community after the gluttony of the holiday. This year, that falls on Nov. 25 … the same day as the Packers/Vikings rematch. National Tie day producing a record breaking tie? Sounds likely to me.

QB: Pat Mahomes, 50.84 pts — on Ant’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 27.13 pts — started by Joel
RB: Todd Gurley, 29.77 pts — started by Bob
TE: Travis Kelce, 22.77 pts — started by Jo
K: Mason Crosby, 19.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: LA Rams, 18.00 pts — started by me
D: Kevin Byard, 12.14 pts — on the wire

The most amazing thing on here isn’t that Mahomes tossed six TDs in his second start. It’s that WR AJ Green, who caught three TDs on his first three receptions of the Thursday night game, wasn’t the top wideout of the week. His line (5 catches, 69 yds, 3TDs) fell short of the ridiculous one that Diggs produced (9 catches, 128 yds, 2 TDs). And Digg’s teammate, Adam Thielen, had another 12 catches for 131 yds and a TD in that game. Nice work by Kirk Cousins, I guess.

Also Mahomes tossing six TDs in his second start is pretty amazing.


“Mom’s defenses” edition

3rd place: Carolina, -1.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
2nd place: Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Some weeks you’re lucky, and some weeks your backup defense gives up almost as many points as your starting defense (34 for the Ravens, 31 for the Panthers).

By the way, if you bet that Leonard Fournette (41 yds) and Devonta Freeman (36 yds) and LeSean McCoy (61 yds) would have fewer combined rushing yds than undrafted, third-string Broncos RB Phillip Lindsay (152 yds) through two weeks, then you’d have a lot of cash … and be burned at the stake for being a witch.

** Headline in Saturday’s Washington Post: “Expect Maryland to go with what works today vs. Temple.”

Bold strategy there. “Don’t try to fail.” Surprisingly, though, the plan didn’t work, as the Owls annihilated Maryland 35-14.

** As the Giants trailed the Cowboys 20-3 late in the fourth quarter of Sunday night’s game, NBC talking doll Cris Collinsworth let loose this gem: “If you’re looking for good news, it’s that the Giants offensive line isn’t being beaten physically. It’s that they are getting beaten by the schemes, and they just haven’t played together enough.”
As, so it’s not that the players aren’t strong, it’s just that they’re not good and not coached well. That is good news … for the rest of the NFC East.

** After Sunday’s win over the Eagles, NFL.com asked the question of whether or not the Buccaneers and QB Ryan Fitzpatrick are a legit contender with a story titled “Do you believe in FitzMagic?” Later in the day, it was announced the Tampa franchise owner has applied for a trademark for the phrase.

Ratings for the NFL immediately dropped 97 percent, as they should.

** Chiefs QB Pat Mahomes is on pace for 80 TDs this season (10 through two games), which would destroy Peyton Manning’s current record of 55 set in 2013.

** Buccaneers WR DeSean Jackson is on pace for 2,200 receiving yds this season (275 yds through two games), which would destroy Calvin Johnson’s current record of 1,964 yds set in 2012.

** 49ers RB Matt Bredia is leading the league in rushing and is on pace for 1,472 yds this season (184 yds through two games). That’s on pace to be the second lowest total for a league leader since 1990, when Barry Sanders only managed 1,304 yds but grabbed the rushing title. The only other time no one passed 1,400 yds in the last 27 years? It was 2017, when Kareem Hunt led the league with 1,327.

** The Arizona Cardinals are on pace to score 48 pts this season (6 pts through two games) which would threaten the league’s all-time record of 37 pts by the 1934 Cincinnati Reds (who became the St. Louis Gunners midway through the season). But that team only played 11 games that year, which would work out to 53 pts in a 16-game schedule.

** The Giants are on pace to win zero games this year (0-2 through two games), which would tie the record set by the Cleveland Browns last year. QB Eli Manning is on pace for 320 pouty Eli faces this year (40 through two games), which would tie the record he has set every single year his dumb face has been in the league.

Another new addition to the Cowboys team this offseason was Texas native, University of Texas dropout, and longtime Cowboys fan Connor Williams. Questions about mental fragility have long surrounded anyone who plays for or roots for the most despicable team in all of football, but Collins stands out even in that crowd. Consider what his name clearly spells out:

** Dallas rookie offensive lineman Connor Williams
Insane, evil, ill man was off meds. No loonier airlock.

Of course, if that really surprises you, I have some bad news…

** Dallas offensive lineman Zack Martin
Insane animal. Caveman led folks’ fritz.

** Dallas offensive lineman La'el Collins
Insane fool. Villain smells of dance ale.

Hell, their starting center is named “Joe Looney.” It’s a whole collection of mental patients out there.

** We could talk about how I’m already five games down to Dad in our weekly picks here, but that’s not really the important news. The big headline is that Dad and I both got losses in that Packers/Vikings game, because a tie means neither of us picked the right team to win. I feel like this has happened to us once before (in the 20 years we have been making picks) and it left us both cranky.

For the record, Dad also predicted a tie one time, but he was wrong, and got a loss in that game.

** Worth noting, in case you missed it. The Eagles lost 27-21 in their second game of the season this year. The Eagles lost 27-20 in the second game of the season last year. And last year turned out OK. So...

** Of course the Patriots traded only a fifth-round pick for talented but troubled WR Josh Gordon. They traded only a fourth-round pick for talented but troubled WR Randy Moss back in 2007, and he promptly became a Pro Bowler again. Get ready for this to work out great for New England and Boston fans to still complain that it didn’t happen two weeks sooner.

Week 2 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 274.82 pts
2 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 274.48 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 270.63 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 259.41 pts
5 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 258.42 pts
6 — Philly Special (Joanna), 227.81 pts
7 — Character Limit? WTF (Paul), 224.15 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Joel), 223.63 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 209.97 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 209.87 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 207.42 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 179.51 pts

Less than half a point separates me from my rightful place atop the standings, but good work by Sam keeping that seat warm for me for another week.

For the record, the gap between first and last place in week 2 of 2017 was 102 pts, so things are actually closer than last year. Mike and his squad can take comfort in that.

Remember to set your rosters for this week’s exciting Browns/Jets contest on Thursday night, a game so captivating it’ll only air on NFL network. And even those folks will be watching replays of last year’s Super Bowl instead of paying attention.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 1 recap

Let’s step into the mind of Atlanta coach Dan Quinn for a moment: Your 2017 season ended in Philadelphia in a playoff game where you held the Eagles to 15 pts but could not convert four goal-to-go downs inside the game’s final minute. You had almost nine full months to think about that before your rematch with the Super Bowl champs in the opening Thursday game.

Now that you’re in the game, your team takes the opening possession down inside the 10-yard-line and gets 1st and goal. And three plays later, you’re faced with the exact same dilemma. So you throw all caution to the wind, skip the FG attempt and go for the TD on 4th down. And you get stopped. Again.

Then, down six with a minute left in the game, you’re back at 1st and goal again. And then you miss a TD on that down. And 2nd and goal. And 3rd and goal. And 4th and goal, but a penalty gives you one last play. And as you fail to convert on 5th and goal, you look up and realize that if you had just kicked a FG in the beginning of the game, you could have tied the score on this play with a simple FG.

I guess my question is this: How many times do you think Dan Quinn walks into his kitchen, looks at the stove and thinks “I bet that’s not hot like last time” as he touches the burner?

Credit to Super Bowl champion coach Doug Pederson for, you know, watching the game in front of him and making enough adjustments to win that game. I’m not sure if he’s a genius or if everyone else is amazingly dumb.

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 50.28 pts — on the wire
WR: Tyreek Hill, 35.07 pts — started by Sam
RB: Alvin Kamara, 34.87 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jared Cook, 16.50 pts — on Ant’s bench
K: Greg Zuerlein, 17.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: NY Jets, 27.00 pts — on the wire
D: T.J. Watt, 16.00 pts — started by Jim

First, some bookkeeping here. Koy Detmer has graced our Top Performers banner since 2009, bringing credibility and gravitas to the section each week. And while he will always have a spot there, we cannot ignore the contributions this year of greatest backup QB in Eagles history, and the only man to ever throw a TD and receive a TD in the Super Bowl. So Nick Foles joins our own Mt. Rushmore of greatness up there from now until the end of time.

Second, dear gawd. Kamara and Hill were top 20 picks, so they weren’t a big surprise. But journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick (who was not among the 24 QBs drafted by our teams) posting a stat line of 417 yds passing, 36 yds rushing and 5 total TDs was … unexpected. For comparison’s sake, Fitzpatrick collected 88 fantasy pts in all of 2017. But, yeah, drafting a QB early in fantasy is a good strategy.

Also, I’m pretty sure the Jets having the league’s top defense, even through a single week, is a sign of the apocalypse.

Also, having three of the top performers all play on Monday night makes too much extra work for my recap.


“Starting off strong” edition

3rd place: Nathan Peterman, -2.94 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Chargers, -5.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place:New Orleans, -6.00 pts — started by Ant

Don’t worry, Tony Romo crying still stays atop the worst performers section.

The Saints come out the gate with the worst possible score for a defense, allowing 48 pts and recording no turnovers, sacks, or positive vibes of any sort. The Chargers at least got one sack along with their four quarters of suckitude.

And congrats to Buffalo starting QB Nathan Peterman, who recorded a QB rating of 0.00 in his one half of work in the Bills worst opening-day loss ever. He went 5-18 for 24 yards with two interceptions. As always, for comparison, your QB rating on Sunday after you dropped the remote (0-1 for 0 yds, no TDs or INTs) was 39.6. It was the 68th time in league history a QB achieved that dubious honor. But that list includes Peyton Manning, Archie Manning, and Eli Manning, so he’s in good company.

** I’m a little late on this one, but did you know there’s NFL Red Zone channel coverage in the pre-season? During the regular season, the Red Zone channel is great, switching between games to show every score and big play. During the pre-season it’s … utterly pointless, really. Watch the fourth-string QB toss a TD to the 5th-string TE before both get cut the next day.
I’m not saying I didn’t watch it. I’m just saying it’s fairly dumb.

** CBS commentator Trent Green said at the start of Browns-Steelers game that the day before, Pittsburgh RB James Connor said “he likes to run up the middle, between the tackles. And interestingly, that’s how they opened this game, with a run up the middle.”
Trent, that’s not interesting. Interesting would have been Connor opening the game throwing a pass, or spontaneously combusting. What you’re describing is “basic game planning” and “obvious use of available personnel.” Try to bring something better next week.

** Congrats to the Sporting News, which predicted a Saints win over the Chargers in Super Bowl 53. There’s still a lot of games to play, but both teams lost in embarrassing upsets in week 1, so couldn’t start any hotter.

** Browns coach Hue Jackson finally ended his team’s 17-game losing streak … with a tie against the Steelers that featured a Browns’ turnover at the end of regulation in FG range and a blocked FG at the end of overtime that could have won the game. But hey, a career record of 1-31-1 is an improvement, right?

** After throwing his third INT of the game (that one returned for a TD), Lions QB Matt Stafford suffered a knee injury on 2nd and 10 in his own red zone. After he left the game, the Lions punted two plays later, and saw it returned 78 yds for a TD. Despite his pain, Stafford returned to the game on the next series … and threw his fourth INT of the game.

** Seven teams opted to switch head coaches after last season. Those seven teams went … 0-7 on Sunday, in a unanimous display of futility.

** The Titans and Dolphins played the longest game in NFL history on Sunday (thanks to two lightning delays, it took 7 hours and 8 minutes) and the teams rewarded the fans with … three quarters of football with 13 combined points. It wasn’t until the teams passed 5:30 p.m that the squads started scoring, and even then, 14 of the 34 points totaled in the fourth quarter came on kick returns that took less than 13 seconds each.

Another year has begun, and another new crop of Dallas rookies have experienced what it means to be a Cowboy: losing while sacrificing your soul on the altar of evil. And the first one in that line for the 2018 season was Dallas’ top draft pick, LB Leighton Vander Esch. So let’s learn a little more about what kind of person he is:

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a balding, retrench coven.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a blackening cretin herd.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes blanching a reverted con.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves breaching a neck tendril.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a concerning veld breath.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a cerebral denting. Chink!

Sounds like a Cowboy to me.

** Dad opened the 2018 picks campaign by stealing two right off the bat from me. Why I had faith in the Cardinals and the Chargers, I cannot explain. I may not pick a team starting with C for the rest of the year now.

** The Eagles worked out former first round pick QB Paxton Lynch this week because … someone’s scrabble board fell onto the scouting chart? I don’t know, you have a better explanation?

** The Eagles travel to Tampa this week to face the aforementioned, unstoppable Ryan Fitzpatrick. If the birds can beat the Bucs, they’ll have the inside edge to the NFC South title, with two wins in the division already.

Week 1 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 138.51 pts
2 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 136.16 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 127.24 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 125.47 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 125.14 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 123.16 pts
7 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 122.64 pts
8 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 110.94 pts
9 — Character Limit? WTF (Paul), 101.47 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 98.94 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 91.61 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 91.34 pts

Solid scores and solid name changes on that list (took you long enough). Sam lands the top spot after week one thanks to Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous game (and no thanks to QB Matt Stafford and WR Marquise Goodwin). Joel comes in second despite a terrible, terrible game from QB Marcus Mariota, and Jeff ends up in bronze position with his patented “never gonna start two active defensive players” strategy.

The good news for everyone else? All these scores are pretty even for a change — I can’t remember the last time the first and last place team on a week were less than 50 pts apart.

Does that mean that Bob still has a chance to win? No, of course not. But it’s still early enough to dream. Don’t forget to set those lineups for the Thursday game and hit the waiver wire to plug those holes.

Fantasy league 2018 -- preseason rankings

The draft is over, the teams are ready, and your future is already decided. Here’s how the fantasy league is going to play out this year:

Team: Last Exit to Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 1934.24 pts
Real finish: 12th, 1645.72 pts
Yahoo may love Bob’s team, but he’s gotta prove that he can climb out of the cellar before I’m gonna rank him any higher. He’s running out there with Todd Gurley, the top RB from last year (posed for a big drop off this season), as well as fantasy stalwarts QB Russell Wilson and RB LeSean McCoy (both poised for big drop offs) and six players already listed as questionable or inactive. On the plus side, there’s a lot of Philly on here, including the Defense and top two WRs (Jeffery and Agholor).

Team: Kiss a fish today (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1814.89 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1701.01 pts
Oh boy. Dad’s gonna have an uphill climb with this one. His top three RBs are interesting (Kenyan Drake, Jordan Howard and Ronald Jones) but his WR corps doesn’t feature a single #1 target and his TE (The Eagles’ Dallas Goedert, who we will refer to as Philly Goedert from now on) is also a backup. His QB combo of Andrew Luck and Jimmy Garoppolo could be the best in the league, but he can only start one at a time. Better hope that Jacksonville D is good again.

Team: Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1851.64 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1740.17 pts
Want a team to hate? Mike’s got one for you! Meet QBs Tom Brady and Dak Prescott. Say hello to Mr. Reliable-but-Boring TE Kyle Rudolph. Welcome back perennial disappointment RB Isaiah Crowell. And there’s just something about WR Marvin Jones Jr. that I just don’t trust. On the plus side, K Matt Prater is … old? So it’s nice that he still has a job.

Team: Witch Hunting (Jim)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 1749.69 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1749.68 pts
Jim gets the best team name of the year but just a so-so roster to pair with it. QB Aaron Rodgers will be awesome until he inevitably gets hurt again. TE Zack Ertz is gold. But RBs Alex Collins and Bilal Powell as your top two rushers? Two more TEs thanks to Yahoo’s screwy rankings? And a Pittsburgh safety as a defensive starter is never a good idea. Best to stay away from those unreliable Steelers entirely.

Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 1862.84 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1873.81 pts
Eh? I may draft this exact team in my work league tomorrow, and yet there’s something that feels off. RB LeVeon Bell is always good (holdout right now), TE Rob Gronkowski is a game-changer (when he isn’t injured), QB Cam Newton racks up points (except for the years where he disappears for weeks). And the Minnesota defense is great unless they’re playing the Eagles in the NFC championship game, in which case they’re hot garbage.

Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 1912.33 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1918.17 pts
Ant’s decision not to set his draft order earlier nets him Giants all-pro loudmouth Odell Beckham, so he’ll have to live with himself for that all year. But RB Melvin Gordon and WR Adam Thielen should help ease his woes. He also drafted a WR named Juju and a CB named Adoree, which I assume are some sort of Yahoo typos. But the rest of his team includes a Walker (TE Delanie), a Miller (RB Lamar), a Fuller (WR Will), a Cook (TE Jared) and a Moore (WR D.J.), so the team roster call won’t be too taxing.

Team: We Love the Mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 1866.61 pts
Real finish: 6th, 1944.99 pts
A lot of oooooold folks on this team. WR Jordy Nelson, K Matt Bryant, and WR Julian Edelman are all deep in their career. QB Drew Brees is approaching 40. WR Larry Fitzgerald turned 45 this offseason. TE Greg Olsen has the body of a 60-year-old now. RB Nick Chubb is a rookie but has the name of a 1930s gangster. But Mom’s top three of RB Kareem Hunt, WR Julio Jones and WR Doug Baldwin are about as good as they come. It’ll be interesting to watch this one unfold.

Team: Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1814.71 pts
Real finish: 5th, 1979.11 pts
I feel like I always predict Sam will finish lower than he eventually does, so this year I’m picking him much higher than his team deserves. RB Ezekiel Elliott should be a solid points producer until his next suspension, WRs Keenan Allen and Tyreek Hill usually feel like they’re going to be good, TE Jordan Reed and RB Jay Ajayi may or may not be dead. If they are alive, that’ll be great news for Sam’s squad. WR Golden Tate is also here, and someday I will believe that name is for real.

Team: The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 1853.80 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2002.77 pts
Joel gets an automatic 100-pts deduction for not drafting Garoppolo on his team — that’s just false advertising. But, he still fields an impressive alphabetical squad of the Atlanta Defense, RB S Barkley, QB K Cousins, WR S Diggs, S N Ebner, and K G Zuerlein (I may have skipped a few letters in there). On the minus side, there’s not way he’ll be able to pronounce the names of TE David Njoku and S Chris Prosinski after a few drinks.

Team: Nick “‘MVP” Foles (me)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 1950.05 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2033.34 pts
I felt a lot better about this team before Yahoo picked it to win the league, since those idiots have no idea what they are doing. But I do have the deepest WR class of any squad (AJ Green, TY Hilton, D Thomas, Allen Robinson and AND Randall Cobb) plus the 2016 fantasy MVP RB David Johnson. And let’s not forget that if QB Matt Ryan goes down, I have the best backup in the game: TE Trey Burton, the passer on the Philly Special. Gotta love that.

Team: Philly Special (Joanner)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 1855.65 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2112.09 pts
The Yahoo fantasy gods did everything they could to screw over Joanna, drafting four TEs for her team (which would be great for our “all TEs” league next year, but not so much here.) And yet his team still looks solid. RB Alvin Kamara and QB Deshaun Watson together may break the network highlight reels (we’re still using film reels, right?). TEs Travis Kelce and Jimmy Graham may be a viable double TE starting set. K Jake Elliot? Hello 50-yard FGs and XP misses. And the New England defense should be better set up this season, given the … sorry, they somehow just gave up another passing TD to Nick Foles.

Team: Character Limit? WTF (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 11th, 1804.58 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2112.11 pts
All the greats know winning is about two things: talent and attitude. Does Paul’s squad have talent? Of course: WRs Antonio Brown and Chris Hogan, five viable RBs (C McCaffery, J Mixon, C Hyde, Duke Johnson, M Breida) and sleepers at TE (George Kittle) and DEF (Chargers). But is that what is going to drive this team to the top? No, it’s the leadership factor. Paul grabbed all-world QB Carson Wentz to shepherd his team this season, and even though he won’t record any fantasy points in week one, you can already feel the winning attitude taking over his group. It’s inspiring. It’s magical. It’s the stuff that wins fantasy championships.

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Speaking of championships, the Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles open the 2018 season this Thursday evening. Don’t forget to clean up your rosters before then, and get your players ready for the grueling grind ahead.

Remember: Even though we all can enjoy the season ahead, only one of you will walk away with the Awesome Cup at the end of the year (And by “one of you,” I obviously mean me.) Good luck out there.

Here's one more reminder of what you are playing for: