Fantasy league 2016 -- week 5 recap

The presidential debates have made big headlines in recent weeks for a series of controversial quips and barbs from the two frontrunners, but few people know that the NFL invited the two nominees to square off on the top football issues in between all that political stuff. Here’s a partial transcript of that groundbreaking event:

** Why is Sam Bradford succeeding in Minnesota?
Clinton: This is an argument in favor of experience and calmness. Some teams need a game manager who has proven knowledge of the system, even if they lack charisma.
Trump: The whole system is rigged in favor of the incumbent quarterbacks. Plus, the Vikings aren’t as good as the media wants you to believe.

** Did Tom Brady’s punishment fit his crimes?
Clinton: Absolutely. Remember, he was suspended in part for destroying his phone to cover up incriminating texts. That kind of digital sloppiness is unacceptable.
Trump: The NFL claims their science backs up claims that the Patriots were deflating footballs, but science has no place in sports.

** How can the struggling Panthers bring their locker room back together?
Clinton: Cam Newton rubs a lot of folks the wrong way. Maybe they could bring in Michelle Obama to help shine up his image? I hear that works well.
Trump: Under the advice of counsel, I am not at liberty to discuss locker rooms right now. But believe me, I know what goes on in there.

** Who will win the Super Bowl this year?
Clinton: I’m predicting the Steelers over the Packers, two great traditional powerhouses with predictable offenses who can overcome these flash-in-the-pan upstarts.
Trump: The Dallas Cowboys. Who else but America’s team could make America great again?

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.20 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Sammie Coates, 24.73 pts -- on the wire
RB: David Johnson, 31.07 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Martellus Bennett, 25.47 pts -- on Mike’s bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Arizona, 20.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Vic Beasley Jr., 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Ant learned from his mistake last week and started Roethlisberger this Sunday. That’s two weeks atop the scoring board for Big Ben since his beat down in Philly, totaling 680 yds and 9 TDs in the last pair of contests. And that’s more passing TDs in October alone than all but six other QBs have for the season so far.

Meanwhile, Mike made the same TE mistake I did in another league: starting Kyle Rudolph over Bennett. Rudolph had 2 fantasy pts, while Bennett had three TDs on Sunday. Screw you, Sam Bradford. And screw you Tom Brady, just because.


“Crappy players you sort of know” edition

3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr., -0.13 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Landry Jones, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.30 pts -- on the wire

Speaking of Carolina WR Ginn, I watched the Panthers/Bucs game until the bitter end Monday night in the hopes of picking up some new jokes for this column and instead left with an unending sadness that made my eyes want to fall out. Only three TDs and three missed field goals over three hours will do that to you.

** After a fan in Toronto threw a beer can at a Texas player during the ALDS last week (what, you didn’t hear about that? Probably because it didn’t happen in Philly), Toronto officials announced they won’t sell cans in the stadium anymore and instead will only serve plastic cups of alcohol. And that’s a normal, sensible reaction to bad fan behavior ...

… or it would be, if that was their reaction when this exact same thing happened in the playoffs last year. Fans littered the field with beer cans for that series against the Rangers, and management responded by banning beer can sales for the uppermost seats only. The fans closest to the field still got metal projectiles for another year, because common sense.

Don’t be surprised if another incident happens in the ALCS and Toronto officials in response finally ban spears and throwing knives for the first time in stadium history.

** Following OT Lane Johnson’s upheld suspension Tuesday for using performance enhancing drugs, the Eagles announced they’ll start rookie OT Halapoulivaati Vaitai on Sunday. And that would make sense if they hadn’t made up that name with leftover letters from the jersey pile.

You may have had trouble watching October baseball this week, mostly because the Phillies aren’t involved so it doesn’t matter at all, but also because a bunch of the games were on second-rate sports channels like TBS and Fox Sports 1. Some fans complained that scheduling was ridiculous, especially given that many cable networks don’t include FS1 in their standard package. But, realistically, there wasn’t much MLB could do about it. Consider what the larger channels were playing Tuesday night opposite the key NL games:

** ESPN: NFL roundup
** ABC: Dancing with the Stars, featuring retired NFL players
** ESPN2: Sportscenter, featuring NFL plays from Sunday
** CBS: A special Tuesday preview of Sunday’s special edition of Thursday Night Football.
** ESPN News: Updates on NFL injuries
** NFL network: Football follies, with a scroll of baseball scores
** ESPNU: NCAA football roundup, featuring the future stars of the NFL
** FOX: Some crummy sitcom.


Despite doubts from the pundits, the Cowboys have started out this season strong, winning four in a row after an opening week loss to the Giants. But with so many rookies at key positions, can they keep up that success? Well, let’s turn to another rookie and see what he thinks:

Dallas Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Early wins mean zero. Choke? Sad local booing.

I’m sure there will be plenty of national booing to go along with the local booing.

** Another week, another game up on Dad in our picks. I’m plus two now, and pretty sure I’ve won the last three weeks solely because I keep picking Oakland and Dad keeps doubting them. I haven’t been this excited to see them win since the grand old days of Delaware alum Rich Gannon winning the MVP there.

** And that will be the extent of the Delaware discussion, given how terrible they are this year.

** Through the first four games of the Dodgers/Natinals series, almost one-third of Los Angeles’ runs (4 of 14) have been driven in by 2008 Philadelphia Phillies (Chase Utley and Carlos Ruiz). With Joe Blanton in the Dodgers bullpen and Jason Werth in the Natinals outfield, it’s the biggest reunion of Phillies greats since … maybe 2008, actually.

** Why didn’t the NFL have a London game on Columbus Day weekend? Aren’t there natural cross promotion things with that?

Week 5 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 663.77 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 645.41 pts
3 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 628.18 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 602.07 pts
5 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 589.80 pts
6 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 569.49 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 568.64 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 551.08 pts
9 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 542.75 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 525.84 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 493.09 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 417.91 pts

Huge, huge week for Joel, who posts 173+ pts and leaps into first place for the first time since … forever? I honestly can’t remember if Joel has ever been this high after the first month of the season.

I also don’t know if I’ve ever been this low. If it weren’t for MomDoyle’s team, I’d be embarrassingly behind the pack. I’m gonna blame this whole crappy season so far on DeSean Jackson and his cancerous influence on the rest of my team. Chip Kelly was right, you just can’t win with that guy.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 4 recap

 

Sunday was the end of the baseball season (no, they cancelled the postseason, nobody cares) and also marked an end of an era in Phillies baseball: Ryan Howard, the last remaining member of the 2008 World Series champion team, has played his last game for the Fightin’ Phils. So, this feels like a good time to take a look back at what the last decade of baseball has brought to the City of Brotherly Love, to appreciate what Howard did and stands for:

-- 29 All-Star appearances. Chase Utley led the way with six, but seven other Phillies had at least two selections.
-- Two MVPs (Howard in 2006 and Jimmy Rollins in 2007) and a Cy Young Award (Roy Halladay in 2010).
-- Three possible Hall of Famers. Utley and Halladay seem like locks, Cole Hamels is still working on an outside chance.
-- 7 seasons of .500 or better baseball, including a club-record 102 wins in 2011.
-- 10 postseason series appearances, with a record of 6-4 in those series.
-- 5 consecutive NL East titles.
-- One career redefining pinch-hit home run by Matt Stairs.
-- That 2008 World Series title.

Not a bad resume for the team. No matter what else Howard and the rest of them do (or don’t do) in their careers, they should always get free drinks in Center City.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 43.90 pts -- on Ant’s bench
WR: Julio Jones, 32.00 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: DeMarco Murray, 24.10 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Jordan Reed, 21.37 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mike Nugent, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Robert Alford, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Let’s talk about that 300-yard performance by Jones for a moment: His total for Sunday alone was better than the season stats for all but 14 other wideouts in the league. And yet as impressive as it was, how did he amass that many yards and only get one TD? It boggles the mind.

Also, Matt Ryan threw for more than 500 yards and honestly no one seems to care at all.


“Players who made me sad” edition

3rd place: Malcolm Johnson, -0.57 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Drew Stanton, -2.52 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts -- started by Ant

Wow -- as pointed out by Anthony, his defense went from being worth 38 pts last week to -4 this week. We in the professional fantasy football writing business refer to that as “a drop off.”

** Vikings K Blair Walsh has had a rough go of late, and after missing a field goal in the third quarter of Monday’s game, ESPN analyst Jon Gruden wondered how long he’ll keep his job. When Walsh returned to the field a few minutes, he offered this warning:

“He desperately needs this one or his coach and this crowd … will not like it.”

Lucky for Walsh, he hit the FG and the crowd did like it.

** It’s outside the realm of football, really, but I was listening to sports radio on Saturday and heard a cleaning company commercial start with “America is one of the greatest democracies in the history of the world and …”

And my first thought was, who are you couching for in this commercial? Are you really worried that Brits are going to hear this and no hire your local cleaning firm to fly across the ocean and tidy up their basements? Are a lot of your clients complaining that your services are fine but your historical analysis is poorly backed? Just call America the best every and take out the trash, folks.

Sunday was the NFL’s 15th game in London since the start of the 2007 season, meaning the league is just one away from a full slate’s worth over at Wembley Stadium. Most experts see it as a forgone conclusion that the American pastime will install a team permanently there in coming years, but thus far no clues have been released on what to call the first international franchise. But leaked memos obtained by this blog detail that a number of names are already under consideration:

** The London Bridges: With the number of pass interference penalties in the league nowadays, there will always be folks falling down.
** The London Separatists: Expect lots of American flags and Euro-centric history lessons from their mascot, the traitor George Washingon.
** The London Tigers: I mean, every fifth college team is named the tigers, so …
** The London Broils: Inspired by the Miami Heat, of course, but in a more ironic way given England’s chillier temperatures. Also, the team could be chewy if undercoached.
** The London Jaguars: I mean, they’re just gonna relocate that dreadful Jacksonville franchise anyway, so…


Another week, another Cowboys rookie reveals his character. This time it’s newbie defensive lineman Maliek Collins, who comes from Nebraska by way of the gates of Hades (or Texas, hard to tell them apart). Need proof? Just look at the clear message in his name:

Dallas Cowboys Defensive Tackle Maliek Collins
** Clown boasts: I like my evil cold and a feckless ale

Look, I’d understand if dude liked his beer cold and his evil incompetent, but the letters clearly say what they say.

** Another week, another one-game victory for me in the picks against Dad. I’ve now won the last three weeks in a row and sit one game up in our season standings. I’m not saying the contest is over already, but I’m not not saying that either.

** We had our first trade in forever last week! Dad and Paul swapped Drew Brees for Odell Beckham (and some other players, but whatever). And both players stunk this week. So the lesson learned here is … life is unfair?

** Ohio State football looks OK, I guess. I mean, they haven't scored fewer than 45 points in a game yet and through four games are outscoring opponents 228 to 37, but whatever.

Week 4 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 512.25 pts
2 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 506.24 pts
3 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 504.80 pts
4 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 489.52 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 481.09 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 458.94 pts
7 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 454.02 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 442.36 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 437.80 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 429.33 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 393.76 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 338.07 pts

Almost nobody moved in the standings this week. Sam changed his name again (we'll never know if that was a Twin Peaks reference now...) and leapfrogged Joanna, Jeff climbed a few spots, and I somehow drifted further behind.

But real football returns again next week with the Eagles bye done, so I expect and inspired performance from everyone then. Or at least just from Zach Ertz.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 3 recap

Analyzing the surprising first-place NFL teams:

-- NFC West, LA Rams: The new team in town didn’t score a TD in its first two games, then scored 37 this week and finds itself atop the division at 2-1 despite starting Case Keenum at QB. Pre-season favorite Arizona is 1-2 despite scoring 33 more points than the Rams.

-- AFC North, Baltimore Ravens: Coach Jim Harbaugh’s squad has scored four TDs in three games, second fewest in all of football, but stout defense has rendered that moot and given them a 3-0 start.

-- NFC South, Hotlanta Falcons: Another 3-0 team, the Falcons have outscored everyone else in the league but also surrendered the third-most points of any team. Still, they enjoy a two-game lead over the Super Bowl hangovered Panthers.

-- NFC East, Philadelphia Eagles: Behind rookie QB Carson Wentz, the 3-0 Eagles are SHUT UP SHUT UP DON’T JINX IT THIS MAKES NO SENSE SHUT UP SHUT UP.

QB: Trevor Siemian, 36.98 pts -- on the wire
WR: Marvin Jones, 28.67 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Devonta Freeman, 27.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Zach Miller, 21.20 pts -- on Sam’s bench
K: Dustin Hopkins, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 38.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Derrick Johnson, 13.50 pts -- started by Jim

Six QBs accounted for three or more TDs this week, and our coaches started all of them … except Siemian, the best one on the week.

But none of them topped the KC defense, which posted an ungodly line against the Jets: 3 points allowed, six interceptions, two fumble recoveries, two defensive TDs. And zero sacks. I mean, I guess the Jets didn’t have the ball enough to get sacked, but that’s just weird.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place:(tie) Kelvin Benjamin, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
3rd place:(tie) Rob Gronkowski, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Ryan Mathews, -0.50 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -2.28 pts -- on Sam’s bench

And here’s a look at the worst QB performances of the week:
-- Ben Roethlisberger: 257 yds, 1 int, 64.1 QB rating, team lost by 31. This was just your standard bad day.
-- Marcus Mariota: 214 yds, 2 int, 46.8 QB rating. Tennessee lost by 7, and if he was even half decent, they may have won.
-- You: 0 yards, 0 int, 39.5 QB rating. You did nothing, so we aren’t impressed at all.
-- Carson Palmer: 287 yds, 4 int, 36.0 QB rating. Dreadful. He would have performed better if he had never taken the field.
-- Ryan Fitzpatrick: 188 yds, 6 int, 18.2 QB rating. Fitzpatrick’s offense scored 3 points for the Jets and 7 for the Chiefs (55-yd interception return for a TD). Historically awful.

** I caught local DC ESPN radio the day after the Maryland Racial Slurs’ big win Monday morning just in time to hear former TE Chris Cooley’s analysis of the contest, titled, “Mmmms and eeeers of the game.” It’s exactly what it sound like, he grunted on the radio for five straight minutes.
“They came out in the second half and went right down the field and I was like, ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmm.’”
“Then they call a running play on third and my thought was “eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.”
“That left me ‘eeeeeeeeerrrr’ but then ‘mmmmmmm?’ when they move ahead with…”
I haven’t heard football radio noises that insightful since the great Myron Cope passed away. But in fairness, he had a terrible towel in his mouth at all times.

We’re four weeks into the college football season and we’ve already seen a host of dominant performances (Ohio State), controversial finishes (LSU vs. Auburn), and exciting upsets.

A lot of upsets, in fact. So many upsets you have to wonder if anyone grading these college teams have any idea how to rate anything.

Consider: 12 teams in the AP top 25 have lost in upsets in the first four weeks. Nine of them have lost to unranked teams. Seven have lost to teams at least 10 spots below them. One (Iowa) lost to a team in the division below the top collegiate ranks (North Dakota State, where Carson Wentz recently played.)

That means just a month into the year, the braintrust behind the college football rankings have failed at their jobs almost half the time. Only five of the top 10 teams in the pre-season rankings are still there four games later. Ten teams have dropped out of the top 25 altogether in that span.

Why do we have rankings again? If we just want to post a list of teams with big boosters and routine overhype, we can use the same list every year and save everybody time. Alabama, Ohio State, Notre Dame, USC and Florida State are the top five at the start of next year. Done. Don’t worry about recruiting classes and returning schemes and all the other nonsense.

I’m just saying, we could save ourselves hours of worthless ESPN programming if we adopted the “AP top 25 hyped rankings” and just enjoy the early season football.


All of the Cowboys rookie attention so far this season has been focused on RB Ezekiel Elliott and QB Dak Prescott, given their early season success/penchant for unrepentant evil. But they’re far from the only newbies worth noting. Consider RB Darius Jackson, picked up by Dallas in the sixth round and so far relegated to only a minor role on the team. Why not use him more? Why hasn’t the team tried to exploit his talents to their fullest potential? Unless …

Dallas backup Darius Jackson
** I suck as bad as a junk crap doll

Maybe we’re just not using the right title for him here. Let’s try…

Cowboys backup Darius Jackson
** Coward pony: I suck, job sucks. Baa.

OK, that seems bad, but if we change it over to...

Dallas Cowboys special teams player Darius Jackson
** Alas, as a joyless corpse. I suck at my place in bad world.

He seems like he’s having a bad day. Maybe we’ll come back later.


** Boom. Another 2-1 week against Dad, and we’re all tied up for the season. It’s like the whole year is brand new and the Eagles still haven’t turned over the ball even once. Oh wait, they haven’t? Well then...

** More fun with stats: Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,664 yds this year and not win a single game. That may be harder than winning the championship.

** Remember when I asked for the football season to stop last week, because things were going so good? I wasn’t serious. What’s up with a week 4 college bye for the Buckeyes and a week 4 pro bye for the Eagles? Could the schedulers screw them any more?

Week 3 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 408.87 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 383.42 pts
3 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 366.26 pts
4 -- TheWrong Palmer Died (Sam), 363.61 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 361.13 pts
6 (tie) -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 353.56 pts
6 (tie) -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 353.56 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 342.79 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 340.94 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 335.31 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 314.63 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 236.48 pts

Lots to unpack here:

-- Anthony vaults way up the rankings to first after a ridiculous 178-pts week led by his new QB, Carson Wentz (and a little help from that 38-pts week from the KC defense.)
-- Two teams renamed themselves -- Bob is now “Last exit 2 Kutztown,” a tribute to the classic Simpsons episode where Homer is elected union president, and Sam is now known as “TheWrong Palmer Died,” clearly a tribute to the untimely death of President David Palmer in the classic 24. I guess he was hoping for a sports Palmer to die instead? Who knows.
-- Speaking of Bob, we have our first tie in the standings ever! It’s good to know three weeks in, through the magic of random scoring, we had two teams hit exactly the same to the hundredths of a point.
-- We’re just not gonna talk about my team or Mom’s team until next week, maybe. It depends if we lose during our bye too.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 2 recap

** Broncos LB Von Miller is on pace for 32 sacks (4.0 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 9.5 sacks.
** Bengals QB Andy Dalton is on pace for 5,856 passing yards (732 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 379 yards.
** Vikings WR Stephon Diggs is on pace for 2,280 receiving yards (285 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 316 yards.
** The Cleveland-LosAngeles-StLouis-LosAngeles Rams are on pace to score 72 points (9 in two games), but still go 8-8 (1-1 so far).
** Titans RB DeMarco Murray is on pace to be tackled in the end zone for a safety eight times (once in two games), which honestly would not be much of a shock.
** Eagles QB Carson Wentz is on pace to be sooooo much better than I thought he’d be in his first year.

QB: Cam Newton, 37.82 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Matt Forte, 29.60 pts -- started by Paul
RB: Travis Benjamin, 22.99 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Greg Olsen, 17.13 pts -- started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 18.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
DEF: Arizona, 25.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Marcus Cooper, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Ahhhhh, so close. We actually only started two defensive players in the top 25 this week, so … maybe that’s not a big surprise.

And Wentz? He's only the 23rd best fantasy QB at the moment, but that still puts him ahead of dopey Eli Manning, fellow rookie Dak Prescott, flash-in-the-pan Kirk Cousins and the remains of Sam Bradford. And he's even further ahead of the guy drafted ahead of him, Jared Goff, who has yet to see a snap in the NFL. So much for those big-time Pac-12 schools being better than North Dakota State.


“Players that stunk” edition

3rd place: Matt Cassel, -0.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jacksonville, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -3.00 pts -- started by Jo

Joanna gets the prize for the first coach to start a player who records negative pts, thanks to Oakland falling apart in their game against Atlanta on Sunday. (Please note, no prize will be awarded.)


The Eagles dominated the Bears on Monday night, which means Philadelphia fans got to enjoy a solid win with a side order of verbal diarrhea from ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden. The insufferable former coach actually suffers from a rare disease where his heart stalls if he ever stops talking, so he pretty much ran his yap through the entire contest. Here are some of his worst lines:

** “If (Bears C Cody) Whitehair can’t slow down the Eagles defensive rush, Jay Cutler will be the one with white hair.” -- His co host didn’t even smile at the comment.
** “Pass interference in the end zone is a big call, obviously.” -- Yes, so obvious you didn’t need to say it.
** “I wish I had Carson Wentz when I coached.” -- He was only 15 then, you dolt.
** “Wentz has some luggage inside of him that is special.” -- I have no idea what he meant here.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, and Patriots coach Bill Belichick walks that line more often than any other person in the NFL each week. Usually, that just means straight up cheating, but this week he’s taking a more creative route -- tempting fate with his QBs.

With Tom “Cheater” Brady suspended and Jimmy “Probably Cheater” Garoppolo injured, New England will enter Thursday night’s game against Houston with rookie Jacoby “Brisket” Brissett as their starting QB and WR Julian “I played some QB in college forever ago” Edelman as their backup. No word on who the #3 QB would be, but I assume it’s Belichick.

Some may call that unconventional, risky thinking, especially with Texans all-pro DE JJ Watt bearing down on the New England backfield. But that’s not even the craziest idea Belichick has planned for this season. Consider his other upcoming moves:

** He’s going to sign former Patriots QB Matt Cassel on Wednesday and cut him Thursday morning, just because.
** He’s making Edelman his backup RB, kicker, and tax planner too.
** Win or lose, he’s going to eat Brissett’s heart as part of the post-game ceremony.
** He’s going to start Brady at QB after his suspension is over and pretend like no one thinks they’re cheating again.


The Cowboys got their first win of the year this week, but their first-round draft pick (Ohio State star Ezekiel Elliott) continues to underwhelm in the early season. Many experts have been surprised by his slow transition to pro competition, but to those careful students of the football letter game, his sluggishness comes as no surprise:

Dallas rookie RB Ezekiel Elliott
** Zoo-like beast troll liked ale, ire

I mean, I like beer and getting angry too, but you don’t see me getting drafted for a multi-year contract.


** Getting back on track -- I went 2-1 against Dad this weekend, and now sit a game down in the standings to him. So I’m doing better than the 0-2 Maryland Racial Slurs.

** Speaking of weird QB news, Cleveland is set to start its fifth different QB in the last five games, thanks to another injury on Sunday. As several folks on social pointed out, San Diego has only started five different QBs since 2000. I don’t think the Cavaliers’ magic is extending to the Browns...

** I love me some North Dakota State alum Carson Wentz, but among the 17 shots ESPN showed Monday of folks in Fargo celebrating his great performance, they could have sprinkled in one damn Philly bar scene.

** Sam asked last week if we can keep a running tally of Wentz puns all year, then Anthony sent me four new Wentz-themed names he wants to use through the year, and then I got so excited I passed out. It's all happening. It's Wentz-tastic.

Week 2 standings

1 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 268.08 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 254.26 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 244.88 pts
4 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 242.67 pts
5 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 242.56 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 241.93 pts
7 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 230.70 pts
8 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 221.45 pts
9 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 215.02 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 213.22 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 202.65 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 151.81 pts

Huge week for Mike, who I can confirm does know he has a team now. And a huge fall for me, because everyone on my team decided to stink at the same time. Sam would actually be in second place if he had remembered to start the kicker he picked up this week (11 pts left on the bench) and Mom Doyle would be in first place if we were playing golf (we are not).

But don’t despair! It’s still early, and everyone still has a chance to come out on top … unless you’re the Browns.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 1 recap

 

Rapid overreaction to seeing live (with G) the new Eagles rookie QB turn in one of the best debuts in Philadelphia passer history:

** Carson Wentz is on pace to pass for 4,448 yards, 32 TDs and zero INTs this season, which all would be rookie records.
** His two TD passes were nearly identical: Lofty rainbow throws which settled into his receivers arms as they crossed the goal line that were of such beauty that they caused several grown men in the area to break down in tears.
** The Eagles have scored a safety in every game of Wentz’ career. He’s making the offense and defense better.
** Wentz was 22 of 37, but three of those were smart throw-away passes, five were drops by wideouts, and six more were just pity on the Browns, I believe. There was that one awful throw he tossed in the second, though.
** Based on Sunday’s performance, Wentz should reach 100 career wins in 2022, right after his fifth consecutive Super Bowl MVP.
** Wentz was so good, he made WR Nelson Agholor look competent.

On a more serious note … the kid did look pretty darn good.

QB: Andrew Luck, 43.50 pts -- started by me
WR: Brandin Cooks, 25.63 pts -- started by Mike
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 31.67 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Jack Doyle, 15.83 pts -- on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Minnesota, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: Danielle Hunter, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, at least we didn’t leave anyone on the bench…

Only two RBs rushed for more than 100 yards this week (Williams and Lamar Miller). On the receiving side, 11 wideouts hauled in more than 100 yards in week 1. And 10 QBs passed for more than 300 yards, including Drew Brees 423-yard losing performance. So I’m starting to suspect the NFL has become a predominantly passing league.

And, yes, I double checked. Dude’s name is Danielle. He’s a 6-5, 260-pound defensive end for the Vikings. You tell him he has a girl’s name.


“Defenses that stunk” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New Orleans, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

One week in and we’ve already had a defense score the lowest possible fantasy points. The Saints allowed 35 points on the scoreboard, recorded no turnovers or sacks, and essentially failed to show up at all. They’re on pace to … be terrible all year.

In other news about terrible players, Vikings QB Sam Bradford still has not taken the field.


** In one of my other two fantasy leagues this season (this is a cry for help, people) I entered Monday night’s game with a 14-point lead, all-world WR Antonio Brown still to play and my opponent finished for the week. Yahoo gave me a 94 percent chance to win.
Hold on a second there -- there was a 6 percent chance that all-world WR Antonio Brown would record negative yards receiving and fumble the ball more than seven times? How else could I possibly lose? That’s like Andy Reid clock management math there, Yahoo.

** ESPN commentator Chris Berman opened the Monday night Rams/Niners game by saying “everyone is looking forward to these teams getting back on the field” which was a complete lie because no one cared not even their moms.

** Outside the stadium, before the Eagles game, I ran into a group of about 10 Browns fans getting fired up for the beat-down to come. One of them yelled out “Browns cheer!” and the guys started chanting “Here we go, Brownies, here we go!” The team has been around for 70 years. I know they can’t find a QB, but they can’t find an original cheer either?

Perhaps you saw the new Direct TV commercial this weekend featuring Peyton Manning (or perhaps you missed them because you’re TV was destroyed in a fire and you moved to Calcutta because that’s the only way to avoid it). In the spot, Peyton calls up Eli to invite him over to watch football on Sunday, only to have Eli tell him he can’t come because “I’ve got a game to play.” Peyton smiles and says “I’ll pencil you in for Tuesday.” It’s funny, because Eli is usually the dopey one.

Or is it funny? One of the greatest signal callers in NFL history can’t remember that his brother also plays football? After seeing the commercial roughly 1,700 times, the message is clearly less about expensive TV plans and more about the long-term brain damage caused by on-field collisions. They played the commercial on Thursday night after every illegal hit to QB Cam Newton’s noggin, making me wonder if the Panthers QB can even dial a phone anymore.

That commercial doesn’t make me want to drop an extra $400 a year to watch more football, it makes me want to launch a congressional investigation into the health effects of repeated brain impact.

Also, Lionel Richie does a song introing the commercial, which is a tremendous amount of cost for a 30-second advertisement. Maybe if they just had Peyton alone cracking a joke, they could charge under $300 for that football package.


Tough break for the Cowboys before play even started this weekend, after they lost long-time signal caller (and toy moron) Tony Romo to a back injury for the first half of the season. That pressed first year QB Dak Prescott into service this weekend, and force him to be the unifying force to steady the team. Could it work? Well, it didn’t in week one, which comes as no surprise to those of us who looked closely at his name:

Dallas Cowboys rookie, MSU grad Rayne “Dak” Prescott
** Discord: A kooky name, a sad loser. Worst guy, epic brat.

Already dipping into the college team names for extra letters, eh? It’s gonna be a loooong season.


** Poor start to the new season by me -- I dropped three of four games to Dad to start our weekly picks at minus 2. Only Oakland’s last-minute two-point conversion saved me from an opening week sweep. And, for the record, I think it was stupid to go for two and the win instead of one and the tie.

** The Eagles, Buckeyes and Blue Hens are all undefeated, and the Cowboys are winless. And I saw a safety with G on Sunday. Can we end all the football right now? Please?

** Seriously, though, the Eagles could easily start 2-0 and be alone in first place and all of Philadelphia will lose its mind.

Week 1 standings

1 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 151.07 pts
2 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 134.86 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 128.64 pts
4 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 127.97 pts
5 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 127.89 pts
6 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 116.84 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 110.80 pts
8 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 108.46 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 98.89 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 91.75 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 84.84 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 66.48 pts

Great start for our perennial runner up Joanna, who puts almost 85 pts between her and last place (sorry, Mom Doyle) despite losing her second round pick (Keenan Allen) for the season with a knee injury. Sam’s third place team starts out in third (this is going to get confusing very fast) and Anthony wins the prize for the best in-season team name adjustment.

In related news, I think Mike knows he has a team now.

No rest for the weary, folks -- football is back up again on Thursday night. Check your rosters and get your waiver wire claims in, and we’ll do it all again. Only 16 more chances to get it right this year.

Fantasy league 2016 -- pre-season predictions

The teams are set and we’re just days away from the official start of our 15th campaign to crown a new Awesome Cup Champion. Most of you still haven’t set your team names, but that’s not a problem, since most of you also won’t win the title this year. Here’s a look at how terrible your draft went:

1.21 Chip-a-Watts, Ant
Projected finish: 1804.54 pts, 12th place
Oh boy. Anthony drafted TEs with two of his first three picks, which is a great idea if you’re putting together an unconventional pass offense but terrible if you’re just trying to collect fantasy points. His RB committee (Hyde, Abdullah) is a collection of folks with concussions and his #2 wideout (Shepard) has never played a down in the NFL. He’ll need Roethlisberger to be spectacular to avoid being the Browns of our league.


May Pay Attention, Paul
Projected finish: 1905.69 pts, 11th place
Paul’s team looks half decent -- WR Jordy Nelson, WR Odell Beckham, TE Greg Olsen -- but his biggest foe will be himself. Will Paul set his roster every week this year? Does he even know we drafted? Will that matter in what has become an increasingly ridiculous league? All good questions that you people don’t pay me enough to actually predict. So, 11th. Done.


Gronky Tonk Man, Joel
Projected finish: 1995.96 pts, 10th place
Joel drafted Cardinals RB David Johnson and no one else I really like. I mean, QB Phillip Rivers and WR Sammy Watkins are probably fine, but I just don’t like them. Sorta like the Lions. Never liked them, never will. What’s the point here? I feel like Phillip Rivers should work on his likeability. Also, maybe on scoring TDs too.


Tiny Trump Gloves, Jim
Projected finish: 2001.00 pts, 9th place
Jim (the only person who tried with a team name this year) picked up Ravens RB Justin Forsett as his 3rd string RB. This week, Forsett was released by the Ravens, then rumored to resign with them, then refused to resign with them, then resigned with them. I feel like that’s not a good omen. Sure, he has other players, but I feel like a team’s 3rd string RB is really the best way to judge their worth.


QBs for everyone!, Jo
Projected finish: 2020.20 pts, 8th place
Jo is coming off a 4th and 2nd place finish the last two years, so it’s time for a major regression. QB Aaron Rodgers and WR AJ Green are studs, but after that her team falls apart quickly. WR Larry Fitzgerald and RB Frank Gore are both 700 years old, and RB Jeremy Hill screwed me last year so I’m still angry. Plus, with a name like QBs for everyone, you need more than two QBs. That’s just a scientific fact.


Cosby’s Sleepers, Mike
Projected finish: 2101.10 pts, 7th place
Full disclosure -- I’m confident Mike has no idea the league got renewed this year. That’s probably for the best, because his stomach would probably turn if he saw that he drafted Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliot in the first round. He’ll roll into opening weekend with three starters who saw zero action last season (Elliot and WRs Kelvin Benjamin and Josh Gordon) and a lot of questions about whether Cam Newton can play superman again this year. I mean, he’ll have those questions if he ever looks at his team.


Yelp For Help, Ma Doyle
Projected finish: 2107.pts, 6th place
There’s no sophomore slump for our second-year coach, who surprised the league last season by finishing just out of medal contention in fourth place. Mom comes in with an impressive RB crew of Peterson, Rawls, and LeVeon Bell whenever he isn’t suspended, and a sneaky good passing combo of QB Russell Wilson and WR Marvin Jones. And after that, she has nothing. But it’ll be fun for a little while at least.


Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
Projected finish: 2222.23 pts, 5th place
This could work, maybe? Nobody likes rooting for QB Tom Brady, but Jeff has assembled a great Atlanta Falcons squad: RB Devonta Freeman, WR Julio Jones and QB Matt Ryan. So as long as his team is playing in the weak NFC South, they should be fine. It’ll be a lot of fun when those three are playing against his defense, the Carolina Panthers, twice this year…


Third is the new 1st, Sam
Projected finish: 2350.77 pts, 4th place
Third is the new first looks good enough to be fourth this year, and that’s the worst phrase I’ve written in years. Sam’s squad is full of potential fantasy superstars (RB Lamar Miller, WR Donte Moncrief, RB Jeremy Langford) and some solid point getters like WR Demaryius Thomas and Mark Ingram. But will those #1 picks be enough to pull a #5 coach into top-three contention for the 15th year of jeebus all the numbers so many numbers this joke fell apart quickly anyways we all hope Sam’s Patriots lose a lot.


North Dakota Reaches, Me
Projected finish: 2403.33 pts, 3rd place
I’ll be honest, I’m not loving this team name. We may have a change mid season. But I am liking a lot of what I’m seeing elsewhere. The WR pool is deep (DeAndre Hopkins, Alshon Jeffery, DeSean Jackson, Allen Hurns, Vincent Jackson) and QB Andrew Luck should return to form. The RBs are lead by the remains of Jamaal Charles, but it could work. Anything is possible if the Vikings will trade a first-round pick for Sam “dead arm” Bradford.”


Bethlehem Moravians, Bob
Projected finish: 2417.99 pts, 2nd place
I’m loving this team, but couldn’t in good conscience curse Bob by making him my pre-season pick to win the league again. Or could I…?
Nah. Eli Manning as team QB should be enough to hold back a great combo of Antonio Brown, Doug Martin, LeSean McCoy and Jeremy Maclin. Plus he’s only a Riley Cooper signing away from reconstructing the 2014 Eagles, and honestly that didn’t end up being great in retrospect.


Who's On First?, Dad
Projected finish: 2418.01 pts, 1st place
Look, if you’re the league’s first two-time defending champion, you’re the pre-season pick to win it again no matter who is on your team. Much like Bill Belechick, Dad has used guile and deceit to get to the top the last few years, so there’s no reason to believe that will stop now. So maybe he can turn RBs Ryan Mathews and Theo Riddick into something useable. Maybe QB Drew Brees really will live forever. And maybe Dad can explain how his was the only team that drafted OK defensive players. We’ll know the answers in just a few months time.


That’s it, kids, Get your rosters set by Thursday night and good luck to everyone, especially the 11 of you who are going to lose in the end.

Fantasy league 2016 -- draft order announcement

Welcome back for another season of exciting football action, unless you’re planning on watching Eagles games this season, in which case may God have mercy on your soul.

Today marks the official start of the 2016 fantasy football season, and your chance to unseat the two-year Awesome Cup champion who shares the same name as me but has completely separate irrational opinions about the last 19 years of NFL action (we both wanted the Broncos to beat the Packers in that Super Bowl).

All the coaches are back (check this, most teams still haven’t updated their names) and none of the rules have changed from last year (Sam Bradford still stinks). We’ve also got the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me, ready to decide everyone’s future.

And this week we had the reigning Awesome Cup champion on hand to help unveil the order, complete with his complaints about the confusing procedures and general football outlook. All the names are in the hat, and the lucky loser picking last in the draft is …

12 -- Dad 
Ha! Serves him right for winning two years in a row. Dad brushes off my laughter, polishes the Awesome Cup one more time before putting it back on its in-season pedestal, and reaches into the hat for the next name.

11 -- Mom Doyle 
Tough break for Mom, who finished fourth last year but will pick second to last. “This is age discrimination,” says Dad, apparently unaware that he is the one picking names out of the hat. “This system is rigged against the older competitors.” I tell him to take up his complaints with the league office. The next name out belongs to…

10 -- Ant 
The 2011 Awesome Cup champion will pick third from last, following his third-place finish last year. Dad and I both stare blankly, stunned that he somehow finished that high in 2015. Maybe the system is rigged. We push on and unveil the next draft slot.

9 -- Jo 
Joanna, who finished second last year, briefly enters the room to complain about the system being rigged, but mostly to pick up the toys scattered all around the room, as if LeSean McCoy from 2014 had run through wall in our family room. Stepping carefully among the carnage, Dad pulls the next name from the hat …

8 -- Sam 
“Who is Sam?” Dad asks. I tell him not to worry, he’s kind of a Patriots fan but also may be distracted by Pokemon for most of the year. When Dad asks how Sam won the league three years ago if he knows so little, I change the subject and unveil the next draft assignment.

7 -- Mike 
In the 14-year history of the league we’ve only had two two-time champions (Mike and Dad) and only one three-time champion (me, just saying) which shows the kind of parity NFL execs would be proud of. I note that Dad hasn’t pulled my name yet, and this is the first year I can remember not getting screwed by this system. Dad immediately pulls my name.

6 -- Me 
I’ll be picking exactly where I should if we just did reverse order of finish, which, fine, whatever. I tell Dad that Bob’s name has been in the hat for several rounds now, maybe he should randomly pull his name next. “But Bob paid me,” he replies. The league office immediately launches an investigation.

5 -- Jim 
Our first Ohioan enters the draft pool, picking one spot lower than if we just made this a simple reverse order of finish draft. But I always feel like he should be penalized wherever possible, for embracing the Steelers instead of his hometown Browns. Dad is now officially wondering if this process will ever end.

4 -- Joel 
Next name off the board is Joel, who will pick two spots lower than his second-to-last place finish last year. Dad is now watching the Bengals third-stringers give up a three-TD lead to the Jaguars third-stringers, and rethinking his plans to draft QB Chad Henne in the first round this year. Next name out of the hat is ...

3 -- Jeff 
OK, fine, let’s just lump all the Ohio players together. It’s easier to keep track of them this way. Jeff gets the bronze medal spot in this decidedly not Olympics level competition. Dad complains the Olympics have been garbage since they let pros in. I’m just wondering if Bob really did pay him off. The next spot goes to ...

2 -- Paul
“Paul never paid me,” Dad says, as if there was any real plan for him to be picking these names. I’m left wondering if Paul even has access to the email I have on file, and if Odell Beckham will go to waste on his team if he never checks in. And I’m OK with that. Only one pick left, and that is...

1 -- Bobert 
The league office, after an exhaustive inquiry into the “Pickgate” matter, charges both Bob and Dad with collusion and draft fixing, and suspends Patriots QB Tom Brady for four games as a penalty. Neither coach opts to appeal the decision. Also, Bob gets WR Antonio Brown, because the fantasy world is crazy and we’re taking wideouts first now.

Get your draft order set, folks. I’ll flip the switch on the draft sometime on Friday night/Saturday morning, so we have time for a early season prediction round next week before the first games on Sept. 8. Enjoy being tied for first place for another nine days, because it won’t last.

Remember, here's what you're playing for:

Fantasy league 2015 -- final season recap

The games are all ended, the scores have been totaled, the recap headlines are a year behind already and the Awesome Cup has been shined up for its annual glorious presentation. But before we crown our new champion, let’s review how the other 11 losers did in this year’s fantasy football marathon:

May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected finish: 5th place, 2175.33 pts
Actual finish: 12th place, 1416.97 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
For the second consecutive year, Paul finishes in dead last. His final squad boasted two injured QBs, four injured RBs and a defensive player who hadn’t played since week 8. He scored 166 pts over the last three weeks, which is just a few points ahead of what our top teams usually scored in a single week. But he’s guaranteed a high draft pick next year, so maybe a three-peat can be avoided.

Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel)
Projected finish: 6th place, 2111.54 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1468.55 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
Rumor has it that Joel may be considering relocating to Los Angeles in an effort to change his team’s fortune next year, much like his San Diego comparables. While big fat Andy Reid turned around his team’s early season slide to make the playoffs, Heap Big Chief Reid never made it there, slowly sliding further and further as the months drug on. But the good news is that he doesn’t have to root for Jay Cutler and Rashad Jennings any longer.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 10th place, 1974.72 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1629.93 pts
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Boom. Nailed that prediction dead-on. A squad boasting Matt Ryan and Dez Bryant should have done better fantasy wise, but both enjoyed disappointing seasons. OK, maybe just I enjoyed that. Jeff’s strategy of only starting one defensive player for the final 10 weeks of the season (costing himself about 50 pts) also played a factor, but you have to admire his bold thinking. It still makes more sense than kicking the ball away in overtime, and the guy who did that is a football genius. Ask any pundit.

Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected finish: 9th place, 2001.01 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 1730.22 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Double Boom. Second team I placed perfectly in the pre-season. And this also marks the worst collective finish of our Ohio contingent, none of whom made it out of the bottom quarter of the league. Coincidentally, almost one-fourth of Jim’s points came from Tom Brady alone, proving that even he can’t win if you put enough bad players around him. Let’s try that in real life next year, just for fun.

Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected finish: 1st place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 1799.68 pts
NFL equivalent: New York Giants
I’m undeterred in my decision to pick Bob as the pre-season favorite each of the last two years, even though that pressure ultimately destroyed his team. In fact, I’m already on board with Bob as the odds-on favorite to win the league in 2016, given his anticipated draft position and pledge to build next year’s team around Riley Cooper and Demarco Murray. Because that’s a sure sign of a winner...

Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected finish: 3rd place, 2303.33 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 1884.30 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
I blame Sam Bradford for this. With a more reliable QB at the start of the season I would have easily challenged for the league title (provided that QB was Peyton Manning when he threw 55 TDs in 2013) and not had Bradford’s general dopiness infect the rest of my squad. Am I saying Jeremy Hill and Golden Tate would have been Pro Bowl players if they didn’t need to sit near Bradford? Of course not. But am I not saying that? Maybe. I lost my train of thought mid-play here … much like Sam Bradford.

3rd is the new 1st (Sam)
Projected finish: 8th place, 2023.23 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 1966.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers, but in 2014, not 2015
Rather confusingly, Sam finished neither third or first but instead sixth. But, most of Sam’s team was confusing this year. How could Aaron Rodgers be so terrible? How could Brandon LaFell and Charcandrick West become viable fantasy players? Who are all these other people that Sam has never heard of? And how did he not end up with the Patriots’ kicker this season, as is his team tradition? They’re the kinds of questions that haunt your offseason … for three minutes.

Cosby’s Sleeper (Mike)
Projected finish: 7th place, 2097.20 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 1996.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
There were times this season when both the Falcons and Mike’s squad looked like championship contenders. And then there was the end of the season, when both ended up just on the outside of respectability. Mike fell 3.13 pts short of reaching the 2000 pts mark for the season, largely due to his decision to leave Drew Brees on his bench for most of the year. But, unlike the Falcons, at least he doesn’t have to spend the offseason in the cesspool that is Hotlanta.

Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected finish: 12th place, 1804.54 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2007.60 pts
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
Great showing by our rookie coach, who week after week found ways to steal players off the waiver wire before I could get to them (we’ll be changing the waiver rules again next year as a result). Mom snuck over the finish line just out of medal position but over the 2000-pts threshold, which would sneak her into the playoffs if such a thing existed for us but gawd that would be two more weeks of recaps and I’m exhausted already. Even more impressive, she finished near the top despite carrying Demarco Murray’s dead weight all season, and with Eli Manning’s gaping maw staring into her soul. That’s fortitude right there.

1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected finish: 11th place, 1894.99 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2028.20 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
You know it’s an odd season when Anthony finishes near the top. Remember 2011, when he won the league and two weeks later we all caught SARS? Not a coincidence. Ant rode Adrian Peterson’s totally-not-doped legs up the charts to a bronze medal finish (again, no medal will be provided) and the admiration of his fellow coaches. Well, maybe not admiration. What’s the word when Jordan Matthews scores a meaningless late TD? Toleration. Yeah, we can totally tolerate him. Sometimes.

Gettin’ Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 2nd place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2189.61 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
TRIPLE BOOM! Three spots right in my pre-season picks may be a personal record, but since no one has ponied up cash for a league historian yet, we’ll never know. Joanna followed up last year’s fourth-place, missed-1st-by-14-pts finish with an impressive second-place, missed-1st-by-86-points campaign. Most of that was Cam Newton and DeAngelo Williams, but credit is due for her starting Jordan Reed each week without becoming violently ill. Maybe things would have been better if she remembered to set her roster in week 9, maybe she could have won if Andy Reid didn’t underuse Jeremy Maclin, maybe she could have grabbed her first Awesome Cup title. But instead ...

Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected finish: 4th place, 2265.65 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2274.65 pts
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you our very first back-to-back Awesome Cup champion. In the league’s first 13 years, no one managed to repeat titles in consecutive years, but year 14 proved lucky for the reigning victor. And, much like the last team to repeat in the Super Bowl (the Patriots, c’mon, Sam, learn a little football), Dad did it with ruthless, shameless aggression. Rooting for Odell Beckham over the Eagles? Check. Giving up on Russell Wlison early to risk rolling with Blake Bortles? Check. Thoughtlessly tossing aside Eagles players to pick up Patriots? Check. Offering to trade LeSean McCoy to the Bill for nothing of real value in return? Probably, but it was done before he had a chance. But the overall strategy worked, and Dad coasted to another triumph, as his name is again engraved on our league trophy.

It should be noted again for the record that Dad lost in the weekly picks to me. Just saying.

As always, thanks to everyone for taking part this year. We’ll pick it up again in August, as Bob tries to justify his pre-season selection as the team to beat. Until then, go anybody but the Patriots and Maryland Racial Slurs.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 17 recap

 

A few loose thoughts on the firing of Eagles coach Chip Kelly last week:

** I’m a little surprised it happened, because in recent years the Eagles have made a habit of only getting rid of good talent, not overhyped jerks.
** But I’m not surprised it happened that quickly. Eagles owner Jeff Lurie probably planned on waiting until season’s end, but Kelly forced him to hurry it up and get the play over with.
** Lurie actually offered to let Kelly stay if he just run down one reason why he should keep the job. Instead, Kelly called a pass play behind the line and lost three.
** Rumor is that Kelly tried to trade Lurie during the meeting, but ran out of draft picks to throw in the deal.
** The Eagles were 10-8 in the playoffs under Andy Reid, 2-7 in the postseason under the five other coaches they’ve had since 1983. I don’t have a joke here. Just a lot of angry.

Top performers of the year

QBs
3rd place: Blake Bortles, 383.56 pts -- owned by Dad (undrafted)
2nd place: Tom Brady, 410.74 pts -- owned by Jim (8th QB drafted)
1st place: Cam Newton, 423.86 pts -- owned by Jo (11th QB drafted)
** Rough, rough year in review coming here, folks. Every category except one had an undrafted player among the top three performers for the year, which is unfathomable when you consider that 216 players were drafted. That includes 24 QBs drafted, 22 of whom were worse picks than Bortles.

WRs
3rd place: Brandon Marshall, 220.73 pts -- owned by Sam (19th WR drafted)
2nd place: Julio Jones, 230.80 pts -- owned by Dad (7th WR drafted)
1st place: Antonio Brown, 242.74 pts -- owned by Mom Doyle (1st WR drafted)
** This is the only category where our drafted selections look good, and that’s only if we squint and pretend that 18 other people weren’t taken ahead of Marshall. On the plus side, the top WR picked was the top WR, so...

RBs
3rd place: DeAngelo Williams, 197.50 pts -- owned by Jo (undrafted)
2nd place: Adrian Peterson, 225.03 pts -- owned by Ant (1st RB drafted)
1st place: Devonta Freeman, 247.83 pts -- owned by Dad (38th RB drafted)
** Seriously. 53 RBs were picked up in the draft, 17 in the first two rounds. And all of them but Peterson turned out to be the wrong selections. I’m burning the mock draft boards next year.

TEs
3rd place: Gary Barnidge, 157.13 pts -- owned by me (undrafted)
2nd place: Jordan Reed, 164.47 pts -- owned by Jo (16th TE drafted)
1st place: Rob Gronkowski, 178.80 pts -- owned by Mike (1st TE drafted)
** Another top draftee on top of the board. And after that, all folks waaaay down the chart.

Ks
3rd place: Blair Walsh, 153.00 pts -- owned by Mike (undrafted)
2nd place: Graham Gano, 164.50 pts -- unowned (undrafted)
1st place: Stephen Gostkowski, 171.00 pts -- owned by me (1st K drafted)
** OK, yes, but nobody cares about kickers.

DEFs
3rd place: Kansas City, 191.00 pts -- owned by Mike (10th DEF drafted)
2nd place: Arizona, 189.00 pts -- owned by Jeff (6th DEF drafted)
1st place: Denver, 207.00 pts -- owned by Dad (undrafted)
** Even the defenses were a complete mystery this year. How the Broncos can go from “not considered in the top 15” to “best in the league” is worth a separate Denver steroids investigation.

Ds
3rd place: Lavonte David, 71.00 pts -- owned by Bob (undrafted)
2nd place: Deone Bucannon, 72.00 pts -- unowned (undrafted)
1st place: Reshad Jones, 86.86 pts -- owned by Paul (undrafted)
** Paul’s surprising appearance on this list gives every one of our coaches at least one of the season’s top performers on their squad … except Joel. Tough year, man.


“Worst of the year” edition

5th place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
4th place: David Johnson, -0.83 pts -- on the wire
3rd place: Chris Harper, -1.66 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Sean Renfree, -1.96 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Glenn Winston, -2.80 pts -- on the wire

Worth noting here that both Harper and Garoppolo play for the Patriots, so it’s a little extra embarrassing to see the one-time #1 seed in the AFC with two terrible fantasy players. Winston did all his damage on the only carry he had all year, losing 8 yds and fumbling the ball. It’s also what would have happened if Demarco Murray only got one carry this year.


** Looking back at some of the pre-season predictions by the sports experts this season … Sports Illustrated had 12 of their top NFL minds guess the playoffs in September. Ten of them had the Eagles in the playoffs, despite the massive offseason turnover. Six had the Eagles in the NFC championship game. Three had them in the Super Bowl. And three had Chip Kelly as coach of the year. For the record, they were incorrect.

** A report from CBS Sports this week said that one of the factors in Kelly’s firing was the team’s annual holiday party, a treasured tradition of Lurie that the ex-coach forced him to reschedule because it conflicted with his mid-week game preparation. And that would be a terrible reason to can a guy, unless you realize the eggnog would have only helped that awful play calling.

Some may call the Eagles 35-30 victory over the Giants a meaningless victory, since neither team has anything to play for. But that’s an incorrect assessment -- it was, in fact, a terrible, terrible win for the team in green. Consider:

** It dropped them in three spots in the draft. Not a huge deal, but when two division rivals get to pick just ahead of you, it’s gonna sting a little more if they steal a skill player.
** It made the Eagles 2016 schedule a worse. The Giants will now get to play the Rams and the Saints, the third place teams in the NFC South and West. The Eagles get the second place teams instead -- the Falcons and Seahawks.
** It made people think Demarco Murray was good. He had a 54-yard TD run on a broken play by the Giants, and all the sportswriters attributed it to Chip Kelly being gone. For the rest of the game, Murray had 11 runs for 15 yards and a fumble. Nice work, bum.
** It prevented a 10-loss season. Teams that lose 10 games are considered really bad, and in need of dramatic changes. But 7-9 you can blame on unlucky breaks, and say you were just a few scores away from 9-7. This team was awful. It deserved to lose 10.
** It ruined all my “The Eagles still haven’t won this year” jokes. I thought I had those available for the next nine long, long months.


Ah, poor Dallas. Your once promising campaign ended with a last-place finish and your star QB and WR on the injured list. True, your junkard pickup RB still rushed for 387 more yds than Demarco Murray, but the whole season seems like a disappointment. But at least you can always look forward to next year, right? Right? Just look at the optimism of your defensive starters...

Dallas Cowboys starting safety James Edward Wilcox
** As soft cowards caw amid jests, next year will go badly

Oh well, maybe 2017 will be kinder. We can only hope not.


** Back and forth, back and forth Dad and I went in our weekly picks, with neither one of us falling too far off pace in the battle of wills. Until this week, at least. With our totals tied for the year, I brought the hammer down in week 17, sweeping all three games we had different (and flipping on two others I could have also taken). That gives me the title for the year, breaking his three-year run of prognosticating dominance.

I went 161-95 on the season, picking the winner 62.9% of the time. That would put me ahead of every ESPN NFL “expert” on their weekly picks list except for Chris Mortensen, who went 163-93. And he does this for a living.

** Bleacher Report has the Eagles with the 13th pick in the draft selecting Michigan State QB Connor Cook, who just got shut out in the college football playoffs. So, yeah. They don’t have the Eagles taking anyone in round two because ohmigawd we really did trade that for Sam Bradford.

** CBS Sports and Bleacher Report have Antonio Brown as their top fantasy draft pick for next fall so congrats Steelers on your season being ruined next year.

Week 17 standings

The final league standings -- and the presentation of the Awesome Cup -- will take place tomorrow, after all the scores are calculated and finalized. Until then, make no assumptions. Anything can still happen.

Well, except Paul winning.