Fantasy league 2016 -- draft order announcement

Welcome back for another season of exciting football action, unless you’re planning on watching Eagles games this season, in which case may God have mercy on your soul.

Today marks the official start of the 2016 fantasy football season, and your chance to unseat the two-year Awesome Cup champion who shares the same name as me but has completely separate irrational opinions about the last 19 years of NFL action (we both wanted the Broncos to beat the Packers in that Super Bowl).

All the coaches are back (check this, most teams still haven’t updated their names) and none of the rules have changed from last year (Sam Bradford still stinks). We’ve also got the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me, ready to decide everyone’s future.

And this week we had the reigning Awesome Cup champion on hand to help unveil the order, complete with his complaints about the confusing procedures and general football outlook. All the names are in the hat, and the lucky loser picking last in the draft is …

12 -- Dad 
Ha! Serves him right for winning two years in a row. Dad brushes off my laughter, polishes the Awesome Cup one more time before putting it back on its in-season pedestal, and reaches into the hat for the next name.

11 -- Mom Doyle 
Tough break for Mom, who finished fourth last year but will pick second to last. “This is age discrimination,” says Dad, apparently unaware that he is the one picking names out of the hat. “This system is rigged against the older competitors.” I tell him to take up his complaints with the league office. The next name out belongs to…

10 -- Ant 
The 2011 Awesome Cup champion will pick third from last, following his third-place finish last year. Dad and I both stare blankly, stunned that he somehow finished that high in 2015. Maybe the system is rigged. We push on and unveil the next draft slot.

9 -- Jo 
Joanna, who finished second last year, briefly enters the room to complain about the system being rigged, but mostly to pick up the toys scattered all around the room, as if LeSean McCoy from 2014 had run through wall in our family room. Stepping carefully among the carnage, Dad pulls the next name from the hat …

8 -- Sam 
“Who is Sam?” Dad asks. I tell him not to worry, he’s kind of a Patriots fan but also may be distracted by Pokemon for most of the year. When Dad asks how Sam won the league three years ago if he knows so little, I change the subject and unveil the next draft assignment.

7 -- Mike 
In the 14-year history of the league we’ve only had two two-time champions (Mike and Dad) and only one three-time champion (me, just saying) which shows the kind of parity NFL execs would be proud of. I note that Dad hasn’t pulled my name yet, and this is the first year I can remember not getting screwed by this system. Dad immediately pulls my name.

6 -- Me 
I’ll be picking exactly where I should if we just did reverse order of finish, which, fine, whatever. I tell Dad that Bob’s name has been in the hat for several rounds now, maybe he should randomly pull his name next. “But Bob paid me,” he replies. The league office immediately launches an investigation.

5 -- Jim 
Our first Ohioan enters the draft pool, picking one spot lower than if we just made this a simple reverse order of finish draft. But I always feel like he should be penalized wherever possible, for embracing the Steelers instead of his hometown Browns. Dad is now officially wondering if this process will ever end.

4 -- Joel 
Next name off the board is Joel, who will pick two spots lower than his second-to-last place finish last year. Dad is now watching the Bengals third-stringers give up a three-TD lead to the Jaguars third-stringers, and rethinking his plans to draft QB Chad Henne in the first round this year. Next name out of the hat is ...

3 -- Jeff 
OK, fine, let’s just lump all the Ohio players together. It’s easier to keep track of them this way. Jeff gets the bronze medal spot in this decidedly not Olympics level competition. Dad complains the Olympics have been garbage since they let pros in. I’m just wondering if Bob really did pay him off. The next spot goes to ...

2 -- Paul
“Paul never paid me,” Dad says, as if there was any real plan for him to be picking these names. I’m left wondering if Paul even has access to the email I have on file, and if Odell Beckham will go to waste on his team if he never checks in. And I’m OK with that. Only one pick left, and that is...

1 -- Bobert 
The league office, after an exhaustive inquiry into the “Pickgate” matter, charges both Bob and Dad with collusion and draft fixing, and suspends Patriots QB Tom Brady for four games as a penalty. Neither coach opts to appeal the decision. Also, Bob gets WR Antonio Brown, because the fantasy world is crazy and we’re taking wideouts first now.

Get your draft order set, folks. I’ll flip the switch on the draft sometime on Friday night/Saturday morning, so we have time for a early season prediction round next week before the first games on Sept. 8. Enjoy being tied for first place for another nine days, because it won’t last.

Remember, here's what you're playing for:

Fantasy league 2015 -- final season recap

The games are all ended, the scores have been totaled, the recap headlines are a year behind already and the Awesome Cup has been shined up for its annual glorious presentation. But before we crown our new champion, let’s review how the other 11 losers did in this year’s fantasy football marathon:

May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected finish: 5th place, 2175.33 pts
Actual finish: 12th place, 1416.97 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
For the second consecutive year, Paul finishes in dead last. His final squad boasted two injured QBs, four injured RBs and a defensive player who hadn’t played since week 8. He scored 166 pts over the last three weeks, which is just a few points ahead of what our top teams usually scored in a single week. But he’s guaranteed a high draft pick next year, so maybe a three-peat can be avoided.

Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel)
Projected finish: 6th place, 2111.54 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1468.55 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
Rumor has it that Joel may be considering relocating to Los Angeles in an effort to change his team’s fortune next year, much like his San Diego comparables. While big fat Andy Reid turned around his team’s early season slide to make the playoffs, Heap Big Chief Reid never made it there, slowly sliding further and further as the months drug on. But the good news is that he doesn’t have to root for Jay Cutler and Rashad Jennings any longer.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 10th place, 1974.72 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1629.93 pts
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Boom. Nailed that prediction dead-on. A squad boasting Matt Ryan and Dez Bryant should have done better fantasy wise, but both enjoyed disappointing seasons. OK, maybe just I enjoyed that. Jeff’s strategy of only starting one defensive player for the final 10 weeks of the season (costing himself about 50 pts) also played a factor, but you have to admire his bold thinking. It still makes more sense than kicking the ball away in overtime, and the guy who did that is a football genius. Ask any pundit.

Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected finish: 9th place, 2001.01 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 1730.22 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Double Boom. Second team I placed perfectly in the pre-season. And this also marks the worst collective finish of our Ohio contingent, none of whom made it out of the bottom quarter of the league. Coincidentally, almost one-fourth of Jim’s points came from Tom Brady alone, proving that even he can’t win if you put enough bad players around him. Let’s try that in real life next year, just for fun.

Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected finish: 1st place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 1799.68 pts
NFL equivalent: New York Giants
I’m undeterred in my decision to pick Bob as the pre-season favorite each of the last two years, even though that pressure ultimately destroyed his team. In fact, I’m already on board with Bob as the odds-on favorite to win the league in 2016, given his anticipated draft position and pledge to build next year’s team around Riley Cooper and Demarco Murray. Because that’s a sure sign of a winner...

Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected finish: 3rd place, 2303.33 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 1884.30 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
I blame Sam Bradford for this. With a more reliable QB at the start of the season I would have easily challenged for the league title (provided that QB was Peyton Manning when he threw 55 TDs in 2013) and not had Bradford’s general dopiness infect the rest of my squad. Am I saying Jeremy Hill and Golden Tate would have been Pro Bowl players if they didn’t need to sit near Bradford? Of course not. But am I not saying that? Maybe. I lost my train of thought mid-play here … much like Sam Bradford.

3rd is the new 1st (Sam)
Projected finish: 8th place, 2023.23 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 1966.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers, but in 2014, not 2015
Rather confusingly, Sam finished neither third or first but instead sixth. But, most of Sam’s team was confusing this year. How could Aaron Rodgers be so terrible? How could Brandon LaFell and Charcandrick West become viable fantasy players? Who are all these other people that Sam has never heard of? And how did he not end up with the Patriots’ kicker this season, as is his team tradition? They’re the kinds of questions that haunt your offseason … for three minutes.

Cosby’s Sleeper (Mike)
Projected finish: 7th place, 2097.20 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 1996.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
There were times this season when both the Falcons and Mike’s squad looked like championship contenders. And then there was the end of the season, when both ended up just on the outside of respectability. Mike fell 3.13 pts short of reaching the 2000 pts mark for the season, largely due to his decision to leave Drew Brees on his bench for most of the year. But, unlike the Falcons, at least he doesn’t have to spend the offseason in the cesspool that is Hotlanta.

Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected finish: 12th place, 1804.54 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2007.60 pts
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
Great showing by our rookie coach, who week after week found ways to steal players off the waiver wire before I could get to them (we’ll be changing the waiver rules again next year as a result). Mom snuck over the finish line just out of medal position but over the 2000-pts threshold, which would sneak her into the playoffs if such a thing existed for us but gawd that would be two more weeks of recaps and I’m exhausted already. Even more impressive, she finished near the top despite carrying Demarco Murray’s dead weight all season, and with Eli Manning’s gaping maw staring into her soul. That’s fortitude right there.

1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected finish: 11th place, 1894.99 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2028.20 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
You know it’s an odd season when Anthony finishes near the top. Remember 2011, when he won the league and two weeks later we all caught SARS? Not a coincidence. Ant rode Adrian Peterson’s totally-not-doped legs up the charts to a bronze medal finish (again, no medal will be provided) and the admiration of his fellow coaches. Well, maybe not admiration. What’s the word when Jordan Matthews scores a meaningless late TD? Toleration. Yeah, we can totally tolerate him. Sometimes.

Gettin’ Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 2nd place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2189.61 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
TRIPLE BOOM! Three spots right in my pre-season picks may be a personal record, but since no one has ponied up cash for a league historian yet, we’ll never know. Joanna followed up last year’s fourth-place, missed-1st-by-14-pts finish with an impressive second-place, missed-1st-by-86-points campaign. Most of that was Cam Newton and DeAngelo Williams, but credit is due for her starting Jordan Reed each week without becoming violently ill. Maybe things would have been better if she remembered to set her roster in week 9, maybe she could have won if Andy Reid didn’t underuse Jeremy Maclin, maybe she could have grabbed her first Awesome Cup title. But instead ...

Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected finish: 4th place, 2265.65 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2274.65 pts
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you our very first back-to-back Awesome Cup champion. In the league’s first 13 years, no one managed to repeat titles in consecutive years, but year 14 proved lucky for the reigning victor. And, much like the last team to repeat in the Super Bowl (the Patriots, c’mon, Sam, learn a little football), Dad did it with ruthless, shameless aggression. Rooting for Odell Beckham over the Eagles? Check. Giving up on Russell Wlison early to risk rolling with Blake Bortles? Check. Thoughtlessly tossing aside Eagles players to pick up Patriots? Check. Offering to trade LeSean McCoy to the Bill for nothing of real value in return? Probably, but it was done before he had a chance. But the overall strategy worked, and Dad coasted to another triumph, as his name is again engraved on our league trophy.

It should be noted again for the record that Dad lost in the weekly picks to me. Just saying.

As always, thanks to everyone for taking part this year. We’ll pick it up again in August, as Bob tries to justify his pre-season selection as the team to beat. Until then, go anybody but the Patriots and Maryland Racial Slurs.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 17 recap

 

A few loose thoughts on the firing of Eagles coach Chip Kelly last week:

** I’m a little surprised it happened, because in recent years the Eagles have made a habit of only getting rid of good talent, not overhyped jerks.
** But I’m not surprised it happened that quickly. Eagles owner Jeff Lurie probably planned on waiting until season’s end, but Kelly forced him to hurry it up and get the play over with.
** Lurie actually offered to let Kelly stay if he just run down one reason why he should keep the job. Instead, Kelly called a pass play behind the line and lost three.
** Rumor is that Kelly tried to trade Lurie during the meeting, but ran out of draft picks to throw in the deal.
** The Eagles were 10-8 in the playoffs under Andy Reid, 2-7 in the postseason under the five other coaches they’ve had since 1983. I don’t have a joke here. Just a lot of angry.

Top performers of the year

QBs
3rd place: Blake Bortles, 383.56 pts -- owned by Dad (undrafted)
2nd place: Tom Brady, 410.74 pts -- owned by Jim (8th QB drafted)
1st place: Cam Newton, 423.86 pts -- owned by Jo (11th QB drafted)
** Rough, rough year in review coming here, folks. Every category except one had an undrafted player among the top three performers for the year, which is unfathomable when you consider that 216 players were drafted. That includes 24 QBs drafted, 22 of whom were worse picks than Bortles.

WRs
3rd place: Brandon Marshall, 220.73 pts -- owned by Sam (19th WR drafted)
2nd place: Julio Jones, 230.80 pts -- owned by Dad (7th WR drafted)
1st place: Antonio Brown, 242.74 pts -- owned by Mom Doyle (1st WR drafted)
** This is the only category where our drafted selections look good, and that’s only if we squint and pretend that 18 other people weren’t taken ahead of Marshall. On the plus side, the top WR picked was the top WR, so...

RBs
3rd place: DeAngelo Williams, 197.50 pts -- owned by Jo (undrafted)
2nd place: Adrian Peterson, 225.03 pts -- owned by Ant (1st RB drafted)
1st place: Devonta Freeman, 247.83 pts -- owned by Dad (38th RB drafted)
** Seriously. 53 RBs were picked up in the draft, 17 in the first two rounds. And all of them but Peterson turned out to be the wrong selections. I’m burning the mock draft boards next year.

TEs
3rd place: Gary Barnidge, 157.13 pts -- owned by me (undrafted)
2nd place: Jordan Reed, 164.47 pts -- owned by Jo (16th TE drafted)
1st place: Rob Gronkowski, 178.80 pts -- owned by Mike (1st TE drafted)
** Another top draftee on top of the board. And after that, all folks waaaay down the chart.

Ks
3rd place: Blair Walsh, 153.00 pts -- owned by Mike (undrafted)
2nd place: Graham Gano, 164.50 pts -- unowned (undrafted)
1st place: Stephen Gostkowski, 171.00 pts -- owned by me (1st K drafted)
** OK, yes, but nobody cares about kickers.

DEFs
3rd place: Kansas City, 191.00 pts -- owned by Mike (10th DEF drafted)
2nd place: Arizona, 189.00 pts -- owned by Jeff (6th DEF drafted)
1st place: Denver, 207.00 pts -- owned by Dad (undrafted)
** Even the defenses were a complete mystery this year. How the Broncos can go from “not considered in the top 15” to “best in the league” is worth a separate Denver steroids investigation.

Ds
3rd place: Lavonte David, 71.00 pts -- owned by Bob (undrafted)
2nd place: Deone Bucannon, 72.00 pts -- unowned (undrafted)
1st place: Reshad Jones, 86.86 pts -- owned by Paul (undrafted)
** Paul’s surprising appearance on this list gives every one of our coaches at least one of the season’s top performers on their squad … except Joel. Tough year, man.


“Worst of the year” edition

5th place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
4th place: David Johnson, -0.83 pts -- on the wire
3rd place: Chris Harper, -1.66 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Sean Renfree, -1.96 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Glenn Winston, -2.80 pts -- on the wire

Worth noting here that both Harper and Garoppolo play for the Patriots, so it’s a little extra embarrassing to see the one-time #1 seed in the AFC with two terrible fantasy players. Winston did all his damage on the only carry he had all year, losing 8 yds and fumbling the ball. It’s also what would have happened if Demarco Murray only got one carry this year.


** Looking back at some of the pre-season predictions by the sports experts this season … Sports Illustrated had 12 of their top NFL minds guess the playoffs in September. Ten of them had the Eagles in the playoffs, despite the massive offseason turnover. Six had the Eagles in the NFC championship game. Three had them in the Super Bowl. And three had Chip Kelly as coach of the year. For the record, they were incorrect.

** A report from CBS Sports this week said that one of the factors in Kelly’s firing was the team’s annual holiday party, a treasured tradition of Lurie that the ex-coach forced him to reschedule because it conflicted with his mid-week game preparation. And that would be a terrible reason to can a guy, unless you realize the eggnog would have only helped that awful play calling.

Some may call the Eagles 35-30 victory over the Giants a meaningless victory, since neither team has anything to play for. But that’s an incorrect assessment -- it was, in fact, a terrible, terrible win for the team in green. Consider:

** It dropped them in three spots in the draft. Not a huge deal, but when two division rivals get to pick just ahead of you, it’s gonna sting a little more if they steal a skill player.
** It made the Eagles 2016 schedule a worse. The Giants will now get to play the Rams and the Saints, the third place teams in the NFC South and West. The Eagles get the second place teams instead -- the Falcons and Seahawks.
** It made people think Demarco Murray was good. He had a 54-yard TD run on a broken play by the Giants, and all the sportswriters attributed it to Chip Kelly being gone. For the rest of the game, Murray had 11 runs for 15 yards and a fumble. Nice work, bum.
** It prevented a 10-loss season. Teams that lose 10 games are considered really bad, and in need of dramatic changes. But 7-9 you can blame on unlucky breaks, and say you were just a few scores away from 9-7. This team was awful. It deserved to lose 10.
** It ruined all my “The Eagles still haven’t won this year” jokes. I thought I had those available for the next nine long, long months.


Ah, poor Dallas. Your once promising campaign ended with a last-place finish and your star QB and WR on the injured list. True, your junkard pickup RB still rushed for 387 more yds than Demarco Murray, but the whole season seems like a disappointment. But at least you can always look forward to next year, right? Right? Just look at the optimism of your defensive starters...

Dallas Cowboys starting safety James Edward Wilcox
** As soft cowards caw amid jests, next year will go badly

Oh well, maybe 2017 will be kinder. We can only hope not.


** Back and forth, back and forth Dad and I went in our weekly picks, with neither one of us falling too far off pace in the battle of wills. Until this week, at least. With our totals tied for the year, I brought the hammer down in week 17, sweeping all three games we had different (and flipping on two others I could have also taken). That gives me the title for the year, breaking his three-year run of prognosticating dominance.

I went 161-95 on the season, picking the winner 62.9% of the time. That would put me ahead of every ESPN NFL “expert” on their weekly picks list except for Chris Mortensen, who went 163-93. And he does this for a living.

** Bleacher Report has the Eagles with the 13th pick in the draft selecting Michigan State QB Connor Cook, who just got shut out in the college football playoffs. So, yeah. They don’t have the Eagles taking anyone in round two because ohmigawd we really did trade that for Sam Bradford.

** CBS Sports and Bleacher Report have Antonio Brown as their top fantasy draft pick for next fall so congrats Steelers on your season being ruined next year.

Week 17 standings

The final league standings -- and the presentation of the Awesome Cup -- will take place tomorrow, after all the scores are calculated and finalized. Until then, make no assumptions. Anything can still happen.

Well, except Paul winning.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 16 recap

I’ll admit that going into Saturday’s game I had very low expectations for the local Philadelphia team.

They had been underperforming, they had a lot of pressure on them, and frankly no one with any sense was picking them to win. The offense has been too unreliable, the defense has been a complete disaster.

So, when the game started, I was actually pleased with the performance. Yes, we saw the same inconsistent play. Yes, we saw some flashes of brilliance followed by incompetence. Yes, the halftime score was only six points of separation.

But the second half showed the true character of the team. They aren’t quitters. They found themselves in a tough fight and kept churning. They made some unforgivable errors, but found a way to come back from that and still show some grit and honor in the game.

That’s why I could end Saturday night happy and content with the team’s performance.

Plus, the fact that the Sixers actually won the game was a nice bonus. They’re had so few this season, and Saturday night’s victory was at least a little hopeful, much more so than the terrible loser quitter Eagles, that’s for sure. Did you see the dreck they puked onto the field Saturday? You probably should have watched the Sixers instead.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 40.20 pts -- on the wire
WR: Brandon Marshall, 23.67 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Tim Hightower, 28.83 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jordan Reed, 25.10 pts -- started by Jo
K: Blair Walsh, 23.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: Arizona, 35.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
D: Akeem Ayers, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Kirk freaking Cousins. Again. I don’t know what horrible things we as a country have done to deserve Kirk freaking Cousins as a Pro-Bowl level QB, but I bet it has something to do with Trump.

And welcome to the waiver wire year of 2015. Seven of the top weekly RBs and five of the top weekly QBs were undrafted this year, including both this week. My pay league was won by someone who started Blake Bortles, Hightower, Gary Barnidge and James White, all of whom were on the waiver wire multiple weeks into the season. And he won huge too. So, again, all those experts who make a living predicting fantasy football drafts...


“RBs stink” edition

3rd place: James Starks, -0.90 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
2nd place: Antonio Andrews, -1.40 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Will Tukuafu , -2.50 pts -- on the wire

Just realized the initials in their names spell out “JAW SAT,” which would probably be the start of a good joke of some sort. But instead I’ll just note that Starks and Andrews have been starters at various points this season and RBs all stink now. I mean, not like DeMarco Murray stink, but they stink.


** ESPN commentator and homicidal doll look-alike John Gruden said during Monday night’s Bengals/Broncos tilt that Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hill “is a great back if you can get him some blocks to put him into the secondary” and that Denver QB Brock Osweiler “can really throw the ball if you give him some time back there.”
Related, Gruden has a lot of great insights into football if you write them down for him to read.

** Saturday night’s game was another special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, in case you were worried the NFL knew how days of the week work.

** I can’t write about the Patriots OT coin toss nonsense or Cousins kneeling when he meant to spike the ball without causing myself brain damage. You’ll have to read them on your own.

In 2014, then-Cowboys RB Demarco Murray led the league in rushing and got serious consideration for league MVP. In the offseason he signed with the Eagles. How is his 2015 season going?

** Murray is on pace for 1,150 fewer rushing yards this season than last, with a pathetic 633 rushing yards through week 16.
** He is currently 28th in the league in rushing, but should pass RBs Justin Forsett and Melvin Gordon this week … because they’re both on injured reserve.
** Murray’s longest run of the year was 30 yards. Six QBs and three WRs have longer rushes than that on the season.
** He has totaled five rushing TDs this season, leaving him tied with Kirk freaking Cousins, Tampa QB Jameis Winston, and Kansas City third-string RB Spencer Ware.
** Last season, Murray earned $1.43 million, which works out to $775 per rushing yard. This year, he made $9 million, which works out to around $13,300 per rushing yard.
** Murray is on pace for 198 fewer postseason rushing yards than last year, since his team made the playoffs last year and his current team will be staying home.

Even when they’re no longer Dallas, Cowboys players still find ways to ruin your team.


The insult anagram goes through many different phases throughout the season. Take, for example, Dallas DB Deji Olatoye and the hidden messages in his name. Early in the season, the words often emerge angry but direct, as in:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Evil fakes bade deceit, no joy

But as the season goes on, the evil of the Cowboys becomes more specific, more gritty and imaginative, and we see things like:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Yoked javelin bisected a foe

But by season’s end, we get to the dismay and distraught torture of the never-ending vileness of the entire team’s presence:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Believed nice day a soft joke

And when you string them all together by season’s end, you get beautiful odes reflecting the pure malevolence of the players and the team:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
No joy -- Evil fakes bade deceit
Deviled joey knifes a cab toe
Yoked javelin bisected a foe
Believed nice day a soft joke
Blacked jive, safe to die, yo

Ohmigwad we’re totally doing more insult anagram poetry next season.


** Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving us tied for the season going into the final week. We haven’t been this close this late in the season since … seriously, I need a league historian already. I can’t keep track of all these random stats and references anymore.

** Speaking of random stats, looking up something completely unrelated I found an error in my week 10 post. Peyton Manning posted a dreadful -6.60 pts that week, which I said was the lowest single player total in league history. But of course it wasn’t -- Bears QB Rex Grossman had a six-turnover game in 2006 where he totaled -6.78 pts. I’d apologize for the error, but really I’m just writing this up so it’s easier to find next year when Eli has a 7 INT game.

** Buckeyes vs Notre Dame on New Year’s Day, in case you’re interested in seeing good football to start the year instead of waiting for the weekend NFL games.

** Eagles coach Chip Kelly got canned literally minutes before I posted this, so you're gonna have to wait another week for those jokes, OK?

Week 16 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 2176.92 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 2084.11 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1884.11 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1880.67 pts
5 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam) -- 1875.36 pts
6 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1867.94 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1779.46 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1660.88 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1631.31 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1531.50 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1382.22pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1364.62 pts

Joanna pulled within double digits of first place, so I guess anything is possible…

But, in the realm of reality, the remaining fight is for the league’s bronze medal (which does not actually exist). Mike, Ant, Sam and Mom Doyle are all within 17 pts in the battle for third. All four of them also have a chance to break the 2000 pts mark and make the league look a little lexs bad. We’ve got one final week to decide if Sam’s new team name is prescient or a mockery.

Seventh place remains a lonely island unto only me. Bob and Jim are in a death match over 8th place. And Joel pulled off the surprise of the second half of the season by jumping out of last this week, courtesy of Paul’s 39.30 week. He managed to start six injured players, a WR/TE combo that totaled 4.03 pts, and a defense that accounted for 19 pts of his total. It’s the lowest weekly total in league history, and it’s worth noting that Kirk freaking Cousins alone outscored him.

Just one more week until the Awesome Cup adds another champion to its side. Finish strong. I mean, unless you're Chip Kelly and you already got fired.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 15 recap

How the Eagles can still get in the playoffs:

** Win their last two games, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the (best case scenario) 8-8 Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Win this week against the Slurs, tie with the Giants the next week, have the Slurs tie or lose against the Cowboys, finish 7-8-1 with the tiebreaker over the Slurs.
** Lose their last two games, but go back in time and win those very-winnable first two games against the Slurs and Cowboys, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the Slurs.
** Transfer to the AFC South, beat the Texans and the Colts in the last two weeks, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the Texans.
** Transfer to the NBA, play 68 more games, play .500 ball, finish 40-42 and likely sneak in as the #8 seed in the East.
** Carry over their 8 wins this year into next season, go 5-11 as expected, claim 13 wins and a first-round bye in the January 2017 playoffs.
** Lose this week, buy Amtrak tickets to DC for next month, travel down to FedEx field and get the full playoff experience from the front row of the stands.

But I feel like option 1 is worth trying first.

QB: Cam Newton, 51.60 pts -- started by Joanna
WR: Antonio Brown, 33.60 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: David Johnson, 41.50 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Jordan Reed, 21.10 pts -- started by Joanna
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Marcus Peters, 13.00 pts -- started by Joanna

Ohmigawd.

Oh.
Mi.
Gawd.
…

WE STARTED THEM ALL!!!!!!

For the first time since week five of 2012 (that’s 61 fantasy weeks ago, if you’re scoring at home) our league coaches managed to field all seven of the top players of the week. Sure, Joanna had three (almost four -- RB Danny Woodhead was #2 in scoring at his position for the week) and that made things a lot easier, but I’m still so proud of you all.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Marcus Mariota, -0.72 pts -- on Bob’s bench
2nd place: Carolina, -2.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
1st place: Buffalo, -3.00 pts -- started by Joel

I have no idea how the Philly defense was worth 1 point in the end.

It’s not every day you see two of the top defenses in the league post negative points, but then again, you don’t often see 10-6 teams dismantle their entire roster so they can come back and have a losing season the next year.


** Postgame show #1: Flipping radio channels on Sunday afternoon after the Mayland Racial Slurs big win, the host on local 92.7 FM was praising the local team’s final scoring drive, which came in response to the Bills mounting a comeback. “You needed a score there, and they got one,” he said. “That’s what championship teams do.”
You’re getting a little over excited there, buddy. This was a 6-7 team beating another 6-7 team. I know first place in the NFC East is a high perch, but maybe cut back on the Super Bowl talk after you’ve won three consecutive games for the first time in three years.

** Postgame show #2: Next up was the post-mortem on the Ravens’ big loss on Sunday, where the hosts at 105.7 FM were defending new QB Jimmy Claussen. He threw two INTs, one returned for a TD, but the locals noted that “if you take those out of the mix, he played really well for someone who was at home on his couch a few weeks ago. He made some nice throws, he protected the ball, he did better than many thought.”
Yes, if you remove all of his turnovers from the conversation, then he protected the ball well. And if you remove all of the other team’s scores, he played well enough to win.

If you still need some Christmas gifts for friends and family this week, consider the following great deals over at NFL.com:

-- Tom Brady autographed football, $999: Comes already partially deflated.
-- Detroit Lions air freshener, $4: It smells like losing. And cinnamon.
-- Demarco Murray signed poster, $110: Even in the photo, he looks like he’s running slow.
-- Super Bowl 40 autographed helmet, $12,000: Great for the budget buyer who doesn’t want to collect all those individual signatures.
-- Tim Tebow Eagles jersey, $45: No game-worn ones available, for some reason.
-- Falcons game-used seat cufflinks, $200: Seriously, though, these are just ugly leather buttons.


Thanks to the terribleness of the NFC East, the 4-9 Cowboys still had a chance of making the post-season this year … until Saturday night, when they lost 19-16 to the New Jersey Jets. That marks the end of their consecutive playoff appearances at one year, and brings a little more joy to this Christmas season. Consider:

The Cowboys are eliminated from the playoffs
** Oh, obit time: Hype flame off, world can rest easy

For the record, it’s still four more wins than I would have preferred.


** Boom! Went 3-1 against Dad this week, which means … hold on, let me get out the calculator … carry the one … multiply by 24 … we are dead even for the season at 143-81. That’s a 64% prediction percentage. And to think our blood feud will be settled by just a game or two...

** Second year in a row that a week 15 Eagles loss not only ruined my Sunday but also ended my fantasy football season in the pay league. Last year it was because Jeremy Maclin fell down at the one-yard line instead of scoring a TD -- I lost by 1 pt. This year, my opponent had the Cardinals defense and ot 14 pts off Eagles turnovers and that pick six -- I lost by 10. Combined, the Eagles’ ineptness has cost me at least $200. Love this team so much...

Week 15 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 2038.26 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1928.50 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam) -- 1764.98 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1764.97 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1753.14 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1736.85 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1663.44 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1568.97 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1540.54 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1452.23 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1324.82 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1298.38 pts

A few important notes:

-- There were no position changes this week. None. Zero.
-- Joanna had the best week of the year, with 185.81 pts … and picked up fewer than 3 pts in the standings on Dad. So, yeah.
-- The battle for third place is separated by 0.01 pts right now. Seriously. That’s awesome. And Sam even changed his name to explain how exciting that race is.
-- There’s almost no chance I end up anywhere other than 7th, so, meh.
-- Last year, nine teams broke 2000 pts for the season. This year, there’s a chance only two do. And, before someone points it out, the last time we had 12 teams (2012), 10 of them broke 2000 pts. So, yeah, this year sucks.

Just two weeks left in the grind. Keep putting out your best effort. Don’t be an Eagles defender.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 14 recap

With the Eagles, Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs winning this weekend, the NFC East is guaranteed to have at least a 7-9 team (and probably an 8-8 team) win the division and get into the playoffs. That’s still terrible, because even an 8-8 team would steal a deserving playoff spot from … well, no one, actually. Consider:

-- The Panthers (13-0), Cardinals (11-2) and Packers (9-4) should all win their divisions.
-- The Seahawks (8-5) and Vikings (8-5) are in line for the two wild card spots.
-- The next best teams outside the NFC East are the Bucs and Falcons, both at 6-7.
-- Four other NFC East teams could finish 8-8 if they win their last three.

In the AFC, it looks like one “worthy” team among the 8-5 Chiefs, Jets and Steelers could end up missing the playoffs, but their beef isn’t with the NFC East but instead with the AFC South, which has two teams leading that division with 6-7 records (Texans and Colts).

In summary, everybody sucks this season.

QB: Russell Wilson, 42.78 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
WR: Odell Beckham, 26.57 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Isaiah Crowell, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
TE: Jordan Reed, 19.00 pts -- started by Joanna
K: Chris Boswell, 18.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Carolina, 28.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: Andre Branch, 16.50 pts -- on the wire

Special shout-out to the second place defensive player, Oakland LB Khalil Mack, who had 15.00 pts after five sacks and a forced fumble. For the record, the Falcons only have 15 sacks on the year.

Also, this is the third time in the last four weeks Jeff has had the top kicker of the week on his team. And it’s the second week in a row where he didn’t start him. Not great coaching there. Then again, he’s carrying two kickers on his team, so we’re already at the point of poor coaching...


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Charlie Whitehurst, -1.48 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Sean Renfree, -1.56 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Glenn Winston, -2.88 pts -- on the wire

I love it when the top performer and the worst performer at a position are from the same team. Cleveland RB Crowell has 145 yds and 2 TDs in his team’s win over the 49ers. Cleveland backup RB Winston had one carry for -8 yds and he fumbled. So his day was not as good.


** Tostitos is currently running a “Party like a Pro” promotion where customer can win food and TVs and stuff. Fine, whatever. But their online ads encourage interested participants to search for “Tostitos PLAP” to get more information. And the last time I had a bad case of Tostitos Plap, the pictures were not something you wanted to search for.

** Natinals OF and reigning NL MVP Bryce Harper this week said he hopes that next year “everybody counts us out so we can prove everybody wrong.” Several problems with this:
-- Everybody called you a World Series contender last year, so you already proved them all wrong.
-- I’ve got bad news if the only way you can motivate yourself is to think everyone is against you: You won the MVP. No one thinks you’re an underdog anymore.
-- It’s December. Why is anyone talking to the Natinals?

With just three weeks left in the season, it’s a good time to look back at our first round draft picks and see how they did. After all, the fantasy football experts had all of our top 10 picks in their top dozen or so, and they’re usually right, right?

#1 -- Adrian Peterson (currently the #1 RB)
** Great work! Exactly how this is supposed to go.

#2 -- Marshawn Lynch (currently the #50 RB)
** Ouch. But, injuries happen. Can’t bash them for that.

#3 -- Andrew Luck (currently the #27 QB)
** Oof, two in a row. Still, two is not a trend.

#4 -- Jamaal Charles (currently the #42 RB)
** OK, but who could have predicted a Charles injury?

#5 -- Eddie Lacy (currently the #27 RB)
** And he’s the second-best RB on his own team.

#6 -- Le’Veon Bell (currently the #35 RB)
** Injuries happen … a lot, I guess.

#7 -- Antonio Brown (currently the #1 WR)
** See! I told you they knew what they were talking about.

#8 -- Dez Bryant (currently the #81 WR)
** But the second best WR Bryant in the league.

#9 -- Odell Beckham (currently the #5 WR)
** Win? That seems like a win.

#10 -- Jeremy Hill (currently the #21 RB)
** I keep telling you that injuries … wait, he wasn’t hurt at all?

So, um, yeah. Fantasy experts are idiots.


The Cowboys have been ruined all year by poor QB performance, lackluster RB work and all-around shoddy offensive play. Of course, none of this comes as a surprise to their defense, who saw the signs of this way back in training camp. Consider their new outside linebacker’s hidden letter message:

Dallas outside linebacker Andrew Gachkar
** A creaked roar dies: We suck at ball handling

If they had addressed it in the summer, maybe the team wouldn’t be 4-9 and … two games out of first place. Ugh.


** Dad went 0-3 in his non-NFC East picks this week and 2-0 in his NFC East picks. Giants and Slurs, man. They’re killing me. I did manage to pick up one in our year-long showdown, leaving me two down with three weeks to go. But the Dolphins could have put me even with him...

** Noted by G this week: There are four AFC East teams -- Patriots (10-2), Jets (8-5), Bills (6-7) and the last-place Dolphins (6-7). Guess which one is the only one the Eagles couldn’t beat. Yeah, the last place one. Ugh.

Week 14 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1855.27 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1742.69 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1651.26 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1624.32 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1632.55 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1578.48 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1531.70 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1478.04 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1428.14 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1367.52 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1251.06 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1228.02 pts

I finally made a move to within shouting distance of the top half of this league, but I made the playoffs in my money league, so I can’t even hear your taunting from way over there.

It briefly looked like Joanna had made a real advance on Dad, pulling to within 78 pts of first … until the Monday night game featured 30-plus combined pts from Beckham and Giants K Josh Brown. So Dad remains on cruise control for another championship, with one big caveat: He’s looking at possibly the lowest ever score for an Awesome Cup champion (in the 13 years we’ve been under the current scoring setup).

Right now the Monsters are on pace for just over 2,200 pts, within a short throw of the record-low 2008 championship total of 2123.83 pts set by Mike. The record high, since you asked, is 2,603.94 pts, set by Sam in 2013. He averaged more than 150 pts a week and could not name a single player on his team besides Cam Newton. So, yeah, fantasy football is kind of infuriating.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 13 recap

 

Ways the Eagles surprise victory over the Eagles ... err, Patriots ... is better than you think:

** The Patriots lost back-to-back games for the first time in three years, and their second home game in their last 24 in Foxboro.
** We now know the proper levels to inflate footballs for the Eagles special teams.
** The loss could cost New England a first-round bye in the playoffs -- right now, the Bengals and Dolphins are tied with the same record and ahead on tiebreakers.
** Sunday’s game featured a blocked kick returned for a TD, a punt return TD and an interception returned for a TD, only the third time that has happened in a game. The Eagles had the other two too.
** QB Tom Brady’s multiple INTs and mixed play may have taken him out of the MVP race (provided Panthers QB Cam Newton doesn’t have a similar falter).
** For just one week, you get to forget just how dysfunctional the Eagles are.

QB: Cam Newton, 46.64 pts -- started by Jo
WR: Allen Robinson, 33.20 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Javorius Allen, 25.93 pts -- started by me
TE: Richard Rodgers, 19.73 pts -- started by Sam
K: Chris Boswell, 16.50 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Philadelphia, 28.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Stephone Anthony, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

I tried to figure out the last time we started all the top performers in a given week, and then I gave up after going through the last two years of recaps. I need a better archivist on staff. Next year’s league dues are gonna be about $5,000 each, try and set that aside as soon as possible thanks.


“General malaise” edition

3rd place: Jacoby Jones, -1.62 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Cleveland, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

For the season, only seven players are below zero in fantasy pts. Two of the top three play for those struggling New England Patriots: WR Chris Harper, -1.66 pts, and QB Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.50 pts. Harper could catch a couple of passes and erase that, but there probably isn’t much chance that Brady is every going to let Garoppolo see the field again, as his desire to burn his enemies to the ground only rises each week.


** Just 20 minutes into the Eagles/Patriots game, Chip Kelly’s crew had already amassed 89 penalty yards, including a handful of preventable procedural errors. FOX commentator Charles Davis explained that often happens “when a team has been playing really poorly, so they come out with too much emotion, they start pressing, and then you see those mistakes.”

Or -- and this is just a thought -- maybe it’s a sign that a team is still playing poorly.

** The Washington Post’s recap of the game mentioned that the Patriots offense was missing TE Rob Gronkowski, WR Julian Edelman, and RB Dion James. I have no idea how the writer remembered how to spell Gronkowski and Edelman but screwed up Dion Lewis’ last name.

** NFL.com had a story this week about the “atrocious” NFC East, a division that boasts a combined 19-29 record, no teams over .500 and zero teams with a positive point differential on the year.

Whoops, sorry. I pulled the AFC South stats there. But I’m sure the NFC East is the worst in the history of football still.

It’s nearly college bowl season again, so now is a good time to look at what the NFL postseason would be like if the NCAA got to oversee it:

The E-trade “ridiculous expectations” Bowl -- Cowboys vs. Chargers
-- Two terrible teams that experts picked to play late into January square off. Tony Romo starts the game, throws three picks and is hurt, and the announcers spend the next two hours talking about how great Dallas would be if he was healthy.

The Halls Cough Drops “choking dogs” Bowl -- Giants vs. Ravens
-- Every one of 4-8 Baltimore’s games has been decided by 8 pts or less. The 5-7 Giants have lost five games where they led in the 4th quarter. Amazingly, this ends in a tie.

The Oregon Board of Tourism “Oregon” Bowl -- Eagles vs. Titans
-- Every former Ducks player in the NFL now plays for Chip Kelly, except the one he really wanted: Tennessee QB Marcus Mariota. Though both sides are armed with his innovative, fast-paced, genius offense, Kelly’s Eagles win a close one, 6-3.

The Tostitos “fiesta” Bowl -- Steelers vs. Cardinals
-- No explanation given for this matchup, but it’s the one game people actually want to watch because it features two equally good opponents.

The National Championship bracket:
Patriots vs. Bengals
Panthers vs. Alabama
-- Denver gets shut out despite being the best team in the league because committee members decide their conference doesn’t have enough football history. Alabama is favored over undefeated Carolina because they know football better than you silly fans.


It has been a long season for the terrible, terrible Cowboys, and none are taking the constant chaos harder than the offensive linemen. Consider how they’d classify the team as it’s currently constituted:

Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Becoming a zoo here -- only wackier, son

Cowboys O-Guard Mackenzy Bernadeau
** Arena byway mucus -- bad dreck gone zoo

Dallas Cowboys O-Guard Zack Martin
** Silly drama, card swung back to a zoo

And that’s a weird way to describe the team, until you realize what kind of help they have blocking:

Cowboys Dallas rookie Tight end Geoff Swaim
** I’m a giraffe! Wild goats! Hens! Elk! Sod cow booty!

It’s sad to see such evil people lapse into insanity.


** Went 1-1 against Dad, which leaves me three back. Stinking 49ers and Bears. Chicago misses a short field goal in regulation and lets up a 71-yard TD in overtime, or else I’d only be once back. This league...

** Ohio State squares off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl on New Year’s Day, which will be 10 years since Ohio State squared off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl in 2006 (and won 34-20). Because college football is running out of ideas, I guess.

** Of course the week I praise Temple football for being the only good thing in Philly sports they get crushed in their conference championship game. That’s on me, my apologies.

Week 13 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1732.32 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1615.44 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1529.23 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1522.21 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1507.11 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1465.90 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1393.97 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1389.23 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1331.75 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1322.12 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1191.74 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1137.25 pts

Dad widened his lead again. With just four weeks left to go, it’ll take a miracle push from Joanna to overtake him … or for any of the third-place contenders to overtake her. Bronze medal seems to be the most competitive spot in the league, with three legit contenders and a fourth lurking. Also, it’s a tight race for 7th place, which I believe is a tin medal.

Get ready, folks, because this stretch run is where the playoffs are decided (please note: There are still no playoffs in this league).

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 12 recap

How the 4-7 Eagles could win the NFC East with a record of 6-10:

** The Eagles lose to the Patriots, Bills, and Cardinals to drop to 4-10.
** Then the Eagles win their last two games over the Maryland Racial Slurs and Giants.
** The Slurs also lose three of their other four games: the Bears, Bills, and Cowboys twice.
** The Giants also lose three of their other four games: the Jets, Dolphins, Panthers and Vikings.
** The Cowboys beat the Slurs twice but lose two of their other three games: the Jets, Packers and Bills.

If that happens, the division would be a four-way tie at 6-10, with the Eagles winning the first tiebreaker with a 4-2 division record.

And if you think that’s a ridiculous scenario, let me remind you that the Giants and Slurs are tied for the division lead at 5-6 right now.

QB: Russell Wilson, 45.20 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
WR: Doug Baldwin, 30.67 pts -- on Bob’s bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.73 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Julius Thomas, 18.23 pts -- started by Jim
K: Graham Gano, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 23.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: Ezekiel Ansah, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Lions QB Matt Stafford missed out on this list by less than 0.5 pts and WR Calvin Johnson by less than 3, which would have put three Lions in the top performers list. It’s almost as if they played a completely lifeless opponent on Thanksgiving.


“Crappy players” edition

3rd place: Chris Harper, -1.66 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tony Romo, -1.76 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Landry Jones, -2.64 pts -- on the wire

The Eagles did all they could to ruin football on Thanksgiving this year, turning in a remarkably terrible performance in the early game. But even they couldn’t overshadow the joyous, comically uplifting line that Cowboys QB Tony Romo turned in during the 4pm game before he exited with an injury.

Romo was 11 of 21 for 105 yards with three interceptions, zero TDs to his team and two to Carolina defenders. The 17 points off turnovers were actually just one more point than the Panthers offense got on its own in their 33-14 drubbing of Dallas.

Romo boasted a 27.0 QB rating … if you assume he was playing for the Cowboys. But, if you assume he was actually aiming for Carolina players, then his stat line becomes 3 of 21 for 85 yards with 11 interceptions and two TDs, a QB rating of 36.1. Romo was 33 percent better as a second Panthers QB than he was as a Cowboys signal caller.

Of course, it’s worth noting that former Cowboys QB Troy Aikman, who did not play on Sunday, had a QB rating of 39.6 (zero of 1 for zero yards). So Romo would have been a better QB if he had never taken the field.

And, with all that in mind, Steelers backup QB Jones and the Philly defense (-4.00 pts) were still worse than Romo in fantasy scoring.


** During a Fox pregame show interview Sunday, Cardinals S Tyrann Mathieu recounted the mistakes he has made in his life (read: legal issues) but said he has no regrets. “You have to fall down if you want to get back up,” he said.

While I appreciate the determination, a much better plan is not to fall down in the first place. Football players usually have a goal of moving forward, not getting tackled behind the line of scrimmage so they can try again on second down.

** On Monday night’s halftime show, ESPN blowhard Chris Berman referred to the Browns QB as “Josh ‘tears of’ McCown” and I laughed because it’s still 1999 and I recently suffered severe brain damage.

** Eagles coach Chip Kelly this week denied rumors that he was in discussions for the open USC job because gawd forbid somebody think he is wanted somewhere.

This weekend, hosts on WIP in Philadelphia were asking caller what they thought they’d be thankful for in local sports next year, with the explanation that there isn’t anything to be thankful for sports-wise in 2015.

But that’s a false premise. There were plenty of things to celebrate this year in Philly sports. Just consider:

** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The Phillies, picked by many to lose 100 games, did not. (Just 99)
** The Eagles did beat Dallas. (One out of two tries).
** The Flyers may have reliable set of goalies. (But everyone else stinks.)
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The 76ers have not been relegated to the minor leagues. (Yet.)
** The Philly Soul made it to the conference championship. (Where they were upset).
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The 76ers haven’t accidentally killed any fans. (Yet).
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.

Not included in the above list is the Temple football team, which plays for the AAC conference title this Saturday. So there’s plenty of good news on the field still.

(But seriously this is the worst sports year anywhere ever.)


Rumor has it with Romo’s latest injury, the Cowboys may be forced to turn to their practice squad QB Kellen Moore in coming weeks just to field a team. What does the unknown signal caller’s name say about the rotating cast of quarterbacks?

Fourth-string passer Kellen Moore
** Gluts of morons. Their peers rankle.

Hold on, a second, that sounds familiar. Who is he replacing again?

Tony Romo
** Toy moron

I thought so. In fact, if you look the other QBs the Cowboys have started this year…

Cowboys signal caller Matt Cassell
** Classy, swell belts -- A galactic moron

Cowboys replacement passer Brandon Weeden
** Scene be morons, a pretend bad screenplay. Wow

Huh. I think I found your problem. Maybe stop hiring morons?


** Went 1-2 against Dad in the picks this week, so my descent continues. I’m down three on the year to him now, with only five weeks left to stage a comeback. The good news is I can still win the NFC East.

** Now that Thanksgiving is over, the NFL can stop it’s pointless Thursday night games and just go back to … Ha! just kidding. The Packers and Lions play Thursday, because both played last Thursday, and the NFL still hates you.

** Hahaha the Patriots lost in overtime to a novice QB an now they're gonna destroy the Eagles by 70 uuuuggghhh.

Week 12 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1562.59 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1462.02 pts
3 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1418.78 pts
4 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1399.63 pts
5 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1389.02 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1343.62 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1269.54 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1261.80 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1214.00 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1202.01 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1106.80 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1095.36 pts

I had my best week of the year and fell one spot in the standings. Wonderful.

The big mover again this week was Anthony, who has drug his team up to third place and within shouting distance of the top spot. Joanna almost closed the gap between first and second within 100 pts (one more catch would have done it) thanks to a mediocre week by Dad. And Mom Doyle finished last this week, which serves her right for trusting Eli Manning.

December football is where legends are born -- get your team ready for the stretch run.