Fantasy league 2015 -- week 4 recap

Around 3pm on Sunday, as the Eagles struggled down in Maryland and the Phillies got ready to start their final contest of the year, a large bird flying above Citizens Bank Park was killed by a batting practice ball and fell onto the field below, delaying the start of the baseball game.

This almost seems too easy to deal with in this column, but I feel like it’s my civic duty to plow ahead and get the predictable responses out of the way:

** The bird appeared to be a hawk, not an eagle. The dead Eagles were found all over the football field down in Maryland.
** That’s the first outfield fly the Phillies have killed in a while.
** No truth to early reports that Chip Kelly immediately signed the downed bird as his newest running back.
** If a bird dies in an empty stadium, does it make a sound?
** It’s worth noting that in all the news coverage, no one pitied the bird, and many Philly sports writers were openly jealous of its fate.
** Still not the worst collapse in a local sports stadium this year.

Rest in peace, dear fowl. You really are the mascot we needed for October.

QB: Philip Rivers, 32.22 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Tavon Austin, 23.40 pts -- on the wire
RB: Devonta Freeman, 32,70 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Martellus Bennett, 17.53 pts -- started by me
K: Cairo Santos, 27.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Josh Norman, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

So … yeah, not a great week for us. You could have fielded a team that totaled 211 points with just the top available guys on the wire. Meanwhile, we had seven teams fail to break 100 pts this week. We kinda looked like the Eagles out there, folks.


“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Ryan Matthews, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
2nd place: Houston, -4.00 pts -- started by Paul
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- started by me

One week after we had our first lowest-score-possible of the year, we have our first idiot coach who started a defense that bottomed out. Thanks a bunch, big fat Andy Reid. I needed your defense for exactly one week while mine was on a bye, and you cost me a touchdown worth of scoring. Good to see you’re still there to let me down.

There were actually a bunch of different players on our teams that scored zero pts, but Ryan Matthews gets the nod here, because, dammit, Eagles. Just dammit.


** I love me some fantasy football predictions, and RantSports.com doesn’t disappoint, with a weekly feature of “15 players you can safely drop” which higlights complete duds from all over the league. Their week 4 highlights, as of Saturday night? Doug Martin (21.57 pts on Sunday), Rashad Jennings (14.40 pts), C.J. Spiller (16.10 pts), Teddy Bridgewater (17.06 pts), and Brandon Weeden (16.34 pts). But other than getting 1/3rd of their “complete failures” completely wrong, it was a solid list.

** After watching Cowboys QB Brandon Weeden get sacked in the Sunday night game, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth noted that the problem was “when you go backwards as a quarterback, you have to step up and throw. So that’s a problem.” Which means … something, I’m sure.

Vegas released their updated betting lines for this season’s Super Bowl Champion. And while the top two are predictable (Patriots and Packers at 7-2 odds), the rest of the list is … interesting. Consider:

** The Giants are the top team in the NFC East at 33-1 odds. The Cowboys (who beat the Giants) are 35-1. And the Maryland Racial Slurs, who have the same record as those two, are 100-1. Meanwhile, the Eagles are 35-1, despite effectively being two games down on all those teams in the worst division in football.

** The Jaguars, who nearly beat the Colts on Sunday, have the worst odds in the league at 500-1. The Colts, who beat the Jags in overtime thanks to three missed Jacksonville field goals, have 25 times better odds, at 20-1.

** The Bears are 300-1. Would anyone even put a dollar down on them at those odds? Unless it’s over 1,000-1, I can’t see spending a nickel on that wretched team.

** The Panthers, who are 4-0, are 33-1 odds. And it’s just weird to have two teams with odd numbers like that in the list.

** The Buccaneers are 400-1, and I honestly had forgot they were still playing.


A lot of the focus on the Cowboys since Dez Bryant’s injury has centered on whether the other wide receivers on the team will be able to pick up the slack. If the question is whether they’ll be able to pick up the evil slack, the answer is “yes, clearly, they are all Satan’s spawn.” We’re gonna spend the next few weeks looking at the rest of the receiving corps, starting with this sterling pair:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Cole Beasley
** A occult odyssey, so a bewailed bellow

So evil…

Cowboys WR Lucky Whitehead
** Sow debauchery thickly. Wow.

So evil...


** Dad and I split our picks this week, which is fine because I picked Dallas on Sunday night and was very happy to be wrong. We’re tied for the year at 43-20, which is a good enough record that we should be putting real money on this.

** The baseball playoffs are this week, so here’s a reminder who you can root for: The Astros, the Pirates, maybe the Royals, and the Dodgers if Jimmy and Chase do awesome and the rest of the team flails. If the World Series ends up Yankees and Mets again, you’re not allowed to have any more baseball ever.

Week 4 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 550.44 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 530.25 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 511.17 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 488.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 460.57 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 456.78 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 455.11 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 445.00 pts
9 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 428.58
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 396.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 383.13 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 357.17 pts

Prior Awesome Cup champions Dad and Sam are still in the lead, but Joanna has made a serious move up the charts in recent weeks (and posted the highest score this week, 127.60 pts, albeit the lowest highest score I think we’ve ever had).

We’re starting to see a gap forming around the bottom half of the standings, separating the contenders from the NFC East contenders. The season is already one-quarter over, folks. Time to get a move on.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 3 recap

It's no surprise that the Eagles and Phillies both saw dramatic victories on Sunday while the Pope was visiting Philadelphia -- divine intervention routinely plays a role in most sporting events. Consider the following:

** Sept 2006 -- In their first game back at the Superdome after a year absence, the Saints put on a heavenly inspired game and drubbed the Falcons 23-3. Afterwards, the Catholic Church admitted it put in a good word for the New Orleans squad after being confused by the cheers of "Saints Saints Saints!"

** Feb 1989 -- A then lightly regarded Joe Montana (a Notre Dame grad) leads his 49ers on a 90-yard game-winning TD drive to capture the Super Bowl. In the stadium is Jesus, disguised as John Candy.

** March 1996 -- Shortly after the Cowboys win their grid Super Bowl in four years, NFL officials admit that Lucifer had been secretly acting as league commissioner for the last half decade. As atonement, the league institutes a salary cap just weeks later.

** Dec 2010 -- The Virginia Tech Hokies score an upset 44-33 victory in the ACC championship game behind QB Tyrod Taylor, named for Saint Tyrod of Thessalonia.

** May 2017 -- While crossing the street, Patriots QB Tom Brady is struck down by lightning for his vast array of sins.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 44.92 pts -- started by Sam
WR: AJ Green, 32.13 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Devonta Freeman, 38.07 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 24.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Arizona, 34.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Tyrann Mathieu, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Thiiiiiiis close to our first perfect week of the season, with all but the elusive defensive player started by our teams this week. Minus Gostkowski (whose name I hate having to look up over and over), our top performers racked up 15 TDs on Sunday and Monday, lead by Rodgers’ disgusting 5 TD passes in the Monday night dismantling of Kansas City.


“Getting defensive” edition

2nd place: Dallas, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place: Miami, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench

And with all those TDs on the offensive side, somebody had to suffer. Dallas and Kansas City each managed one sack on Sunday amid all their ineptitude to escape the lowest fantasy score possible, but Miami wasn’t so lucky: 41 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no success. It’s tough to have a worse day than the Jaguars, who allowed 51 pts in their loss, but the Dolphins found a way.


** ESPN listed three keys for the Auburn Tigers to win their game against Mississippi State on Saturday. #3? “On defense, tackle somebody.”

That might be glib and funny if the first two weren’t ridiculously specific: “7+ explosive plays on offense” and “an offensive pace of 70+ plays.” None of it mattered, as the Tigers lost despite a decent defensive effort, 17-9.

** The University of Virginia is having a rough football season, but the announcers this week pointed out that they’ve been successful in a lot of other sports. “The Cavaliers this year were champions in soccer. In tennis. In baseball. In Omaha.”

The important thing to remember here is this section is the stupidest thing I heard this week, because I’m sure if it was written, the last bit would have said “In baseball (in Omaha, where the championship game was held.)” But that sure ain’t what it sounded like. It sounded like we’re playing competitive Omaha now, which I assume means tossing steaks or something.

Since there was some ambiguity this week as to the proper way to build camaraderie and teamwork in sports, here are a few general rules:

** If a teammate makes a mistake, point it out in a constructive and calm manner. Do not choke him.

** If a teammate responds angrily to your comments, reply in a firm but respectful tone. Do not choke him.

** If coaches are presenting alternative advice, listen to their suggestions and ideas. Do not choke your teammate.

** Never be on a team with Jonathan Papelbon.


Rookie lineman La'el Collins made his NFL debut on Sunday during Dallas’ collapse at the hands of the Falcons, gaining mixed reviews for his work. But his anagram game is already strong. Consider:

OG La'el Collins
** No logical sell

Not a bad start, but what does he think of his teammates?

OG La'el Collins
** Ills gone local

OK, but this is the professional den of evil. What’s the worst thing that he can bring to the Cowboys?

OG La'el Collins
** Illegal colons

That’ll do, rookie. That’ll do.


** Ha! Picked up two games on Dad this week, bringing me even with him for the season. It should have been three, but he would not commit to forsaking the Eagles this week, even though he "knew" they were going to lose. I hope his visit to (near?) the Pope straightened him out now.

** Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger went down with a knee injury Sunday, meaning that the starter for Pittsburgh for the next will be ... Drumroll please ... Former Eagles/Falcons/Jets/state correctional facility QB Mike Vick. You know you missed him. Be sure to watch for errant passes if you’re near the stadium next week.

** FYI, the Eagles are still technically in last place, with tiebreakers. The Giants are 1-2 with a 1-0 division record, the Racial Slurs are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 1-1 conference record, and the Eagles are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 0-2 conference record. So …

Week 3 standings

1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 425.54 pts
2 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 425.50 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 407.03 pts
4 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 383.57 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 375.93 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 369.34 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 336.85 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 330.70 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 328.86 pts
10 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 310.22 pts
11 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 307.01 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 269.34 pts

Good weeks for Joanner and Ant to climb back up near the top of the heap, but Dad and Sam are starting to put some distance between them and the rest of the pack. Meanwhile, Paul is in danger of stopping paying attention, and only about one-third of my team is any good. So I’m pretty much the Eagles. All I need is for your top players to go down and I’m right back in the mix for the division title.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 2 recap

Since it’s pretty clear the Eagles season is over before it started, it’s time to start looking at possible draft targets for the birds next year. Kelly is coaching them up as if they’ll get a top-five pick, so let’s see the best matches out there:

** RB Ezekiel Elliott, Ohio State: Sure, the Eagles have three starting RBs, but Kelly clearly hates them all since he isn’t running in third-and-short or anything-and-goal situations. Maybe a new RB will inspire him not to emulate Any Reid’s pass-at-all-costs offense.

** SK Joey Robbins, Mississippi State: Robbins doesn’t technically play any position, but since he helps with scheduling for the team, perhaps he could get Chip to have the Eagles offense show up before halftime.

** OT Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame: At 6-6, this massive tackle will have no trouble seeing all the penalty flags thrown by refs and will easily be able to help pick them up.

** QB Oregon, Oregon: Without even bothering to look up who this person is, I know Kelly already thinks he’s the top prospect in the draft. He’ll end up trading Foles again to get him, somehow.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 36.66 pts -- on Bob’s bench
WR: Travis Benjamin, 30.25 pts -- on the wire
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 28.70 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Crockett Gillmore, 20.37 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 19.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Denver, 23.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
D: Tony Jefferson, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Poor job all around this week on using the top players, with several of the best guys on the wire. But a special shout out to Andrew Luck, Sam Bradford, Tony Romo and Alex Smith, who combined to score fewer points than Roethlisberger. Not a good showing for four QBs who were hoping to go deep in the playoffs.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Mike Vick, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Terrance West, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: JJ Nelson, -1.00 pts -- on the wire

And here you were worried that we wouldn’t see our old friend Michael all season long. He had three rushes (kneel downs) at the end of the game to bring his season rushing total to -3 yrds, putting him in this week’s loser list. He’s like a stray dog that you just can’t … um … you know what? Nevermind.


** The announcers at the end of the lackluster 20-13 Ohio State win on Saturday summed up the contest like this: “Sometimes you win. Sometimes you survive. And sometimes you do both.”

How do you win but not survive? Like, you score the game-winning TD but then get vaporized by lightning?

** The Washington Post had a feature on the new Maryland starting QB this weekend with raving comments from his high school coach: “When (the ball) comes out of his hand, you can hear it.”

Again, how does that work? He snaps a lot as he throws? Does that add arm strength? Or does he have a passing grunt like a women’s tennis player?

** At his post-game press conference on Sunday, Chip Kelly said that “we’re not doing a good enough job” so far this season. I’d quibble with the “we” part, especially if I dumped my starting QB/RB/WR for a collection of guys who look like they’ve never seen a football.

ESPN has done a thorough (read: 70 hours already) job analyzing which 2-0 teams are overachieving, and which 0-2 teams are in danger of missing the playoffs. But one area they’ve ignored are which one-loss teams are facing danger and which one-win teams are already in great shape. Not to worry, here’s a SportsCenter-style breakdown:

Steelers: They followed up a tough opening-night loss with a solid win over the Niners on Sunday. But can they keep up that momentum in the tough AFC north with they softer-than-steel defense?
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Titans: Marcus Mariota looked unstoppable in week one, and looked very stoppable in week two. With that kind of reliance on a rookie QB, it’s no surprise to see this team squarely in the middle of the pack.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Vikings: Everyone’s darling to be a playoff sleeper shook off a sleepy week one showing with a convincing division victory this Sunday. But with a pair of games against the Packers and Bears each left, it looks like they’ll be trading wins and losses.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Chiefs: They’ve scored 51 pts so far this season but also allowed 51 pts this season. That kind of performance so far suggests only one possible outcome.
PROJECTED FINISH: 8-8

Raiders: Never mind that they won on Sunday, I’m still picking them to go winless this year.
PROJECTED FINISH: 0-16


The Cowboys victory at Philadelphia (Chip Kelly is 2-3 against the hated rivals now, just FYI) came at a heavy cost to their playoff chances. A week after losing their top wideout to injury, QB Tony Romo suffered a broken clavicle in the third quarter and is feared lost for the season. It didn’t mean much against an inept team like the Eagles, but what will it mean for the rest of Dalla’s season? The letters don’t look very good.

Romo gets sidelined with broken collarbone
** Robbed: Their stooge clan killed, no more wins.

Maybe this year’s anagram insult theme will be all Cowboys’ injuries? We’re only in week two and I’m already on a roll with them.


** Another 2-3 week for me against Dad, thanks to Indy and Seattle choking away the last two games of the week. I’m sitting two back of him for the year in our annual pride contest, and can already feel the season slipping away...

** So far the Eagles are averaging 35 rushing yards a game (and they had a 27-yard run during the Atlanta game). Arizona RB David Johnson has the same amount of rushing yards on 5 carries so far this season.

Week 2 standings

1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 261.88 pts
2 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 253.65 pts
3 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 253.34 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 242.72 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 241.60 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 237.80 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 228.71 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom) -- 227.49 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 218.01 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 215.32 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 194.18 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 187.52 pts

Sam jumps to the front of the pack again, thanks to a solid week among some lower-than-desirable scores (I'm looking at you D Murray and Pay Attention).

Still, 10th place is only 46 pts back, so no reason to panic yet. Unless your team is 0-2 and looks like it has never played together before. And if facing a surprising 2-0 Jets team next week that looks untalented but structurally sound. In that case, year, start panicking a little.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 1 recap

** Titans rookie QB Marcus Mariota (4 TDs on Sunday) is on pace to throw 64 TDs this year, shattering both the rookie passing mark and the NFL single-season record for QB scoring.

** San Diego WR Keenan Allen (15 catches, 166 yrds Sunday) is on pace to catch 240 balls this year for 2,656 yds, beating the single-season mark by almost 100 catches and 700 yds.

** Eagles RB DeMarco Murray (8 rushing yds Monday) is on pace for 128 rushing yds this year, or roughly 1,700 yds fewer than he had last season when he won the league rushing title.

** Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins (lost 17-10 to the Dolphins Sunday) is on pace to start three more games before getting benched.

** The NFC East (1-3 this weekend) is on pace to finish the season with a combined 16-48 record, which I’m pretty sure is what the NFC South posted last season. Still get a playoff team, though.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.62 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Julio Jones, 25.90 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Carlos Hyde, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 26.77 pts -- started by Mike
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 23.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: Josh Norman, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Why I love wide receivers, part 957: Of the top five WRs drafted in our league this year, only one (Antonio Bryant) finished in the top 30 in fantasy scoring for their position this week. Dez Bryant (2nd WR drafted) is dead, and the overrated Odell Beckham (44 yds, 3rd WR drafted) and once unstoppable Calvin Johnson (39 yds, 4th WR drafted) each had fewer receiving yards than third-string Cardinals rookie RB David Johnson had on his single catch on Sunday (55 yds).


3rd place: Zach Mettenberger, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Chicago, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts -- on the wire

Fun fact: Mettenberger’s team beat Tampa Bay 42-14 on Sunday, and yet he still ended up scoring negative points. Bonus fun fact: Tampa Bay would have been at -4.00 pts for the week if not for Mettenberger’s late turnover in the game.


** Dan Patrick dropped this gem at halftime of Sunday night football: “Big game next week -- Seattle at Green Bay. Seattle coming off a surprising loss to St. Louis. Guys, how big is this game?” If you don’t know, how can you say it’s a big game then? The answer, by the way, was “big.”

** Jon Gruden, on Monday night football, was asked if he was surprised Atlanta was up big at the half. “That’s why you don’t pay attention to pre-season football,” said the commentator who announced five pre-season games this year, never once telling you to ignore what you were seeing.

** Jonathan Papelbon, on his return to Philly this week, said he wasn’t the “bad guy” that critics made him out to be because “I was one of the few that wanted to actually win” on the Phillies. Which is weird criticism, because since he has gotten on the Natinals, they’re 4 games under .500 (6 over before his arrival) and the Phils are 7 under .500 (25 under with him on the team). So, who is he helping win again?

Greatness in football and life only comes from constant practice and repetition. That’s why Direct TV’s ongoing “don’t be like this me” ad campaign is among the best in the history of television: because it’s constantly droning on and on.

The pairings are creative and hilarious. Without Direct TV, you could be like the bad Randy Moss (short) or the bad Peyton Manning (high-pitched voice) or the bad Andrew Luck (bearded). But with Direct TV, you don’t have to worry about any of those totally normal conditions, thank gawd.

But why stop there? Direct TV only has 700 versions of this commercial out now, but here are a few they’ve missed:

** I’m Tom Brady // And I’m “borderline starter in college who never learned how to cheat in the pros” Tom Brady.
** I’m Jason Witten // And I’m “not old enough to collect Social Security checks” Jason Witten.
** I’m Chip Kelly // And I’m “sometimes I work with employees instead of firing them all” Chip Kelly.
** I’m Eli Manning // And I’m “plastic surgery took the dopey right out of my cheeks” Eli Manning.
** I’m Matt Millen // And I’m “didn’t put together an 0-16 team so I am qualified to talk about football on TV” Matt Millen.

I’m seeing some great marketing potential in there.


Huge last-minute win for the Cowpokes on Sunday night as they avoid a major upset by grabbing a TD with seconds left to beat the Giants. But the victory came at a cost, with star WR breaking his foot in the contest. What does it mean for the big showdown coming up between the Eagles and Cowpies next week? It’s time to look at the letters again...

Dallas Wideout Dez Bryant breaks his right foot
**This dark fallout -- Birds get wins. Hated boys? A zero

Cowboys have now lost their top two offensive “skill” players from last year, but I think all the assumptions that they’ll coast to another NFC East championship are totally reasonable. Especially since they overachieved on defense all season long last year...


** New year, same story: I went 2-3 against Dad on the weekly picks, starting me off on the wrong foot yet again. The Vikings really let me down this week, which is a phrase that Minnesotans have gotten used to at this point.

** I apologize to the entire league for not making any jokes so far about Anthony’s “1.21 Chip-a-watts” team drafting JJ Watt as his defensive player. It’s an inexcusable oversight, and all I can say is we all make mistakes early in the season.

** Sam Bradford already needed a foot X-ray and it’s only week 1 and I can’t even bring myself to joke about it.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 145.96 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 140.18 pts
3 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 131.30 pts
4 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 127.62 pts
5 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 126.84 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 122.37 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 108.51 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Ma Doyle) -- 108.16 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 102.86 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 99.03 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 97.54 pts
12 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 94.70 pts

I told you Bob’s team looked soft. Totally justified my pre-season prediction of last place for him.

Solid debuts for Jim and Sam this week, but nothing too amazing at the top or the bottom of the league for the start of the season. Only 16 weeks left until we crown our next Awesome Cup champion…

Fantasy league 2015 -- preseason predictions

Labor Day is passed, the football season is about to start, and the only thing left is to read the tea leaves and see how your fantasy season is going to finish. FYI, it’s not pretty:


12th place: Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected points -- 1804.54
Rookies always end up at the bottom of the pre-season rankings, because the complexity of managing a successful fantasy team all year long is too difficult for new coaches (even though rookies have won the Awesome Cup twice, stop with your technicalities). Our first-ever Delaware-based team ended up with some solid RBs but a thin wide-receiving corps, and will have to rely on Eli Manning to win a championship. That’s highly unlikely (even though that has happened twice, stop with your technicalities).

11th place: 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected points -- 1894.99
Anthony is clearly hoping to take this league back in time to the year 2011, when he got his name etched onto the Awesome Cup. Fun fact: His team that year featured a pre-Eagles Darren Sproles and a pre-Eagles Ryan Matthews. Another fun fact: His team this year features Cowboys Tony Romo and Darren McFadden, and I’ll be rooting against him every week. I don’t care if Yahoo says he had a great draft, I say he finishes near the bottom … like his beloved Dallas cowpokes.

10th place: Blue Collar Killers
Projected points -- 1974.72
Did I just complain about Anthony having too many Cowboys? Here’s where the rest of the spawn of Satan landed. WR Dez Bryant, TE Jason Witten, RB Joseph Randle, S Danny McCray, WR Terrance Williams ... Dear gawd, I’m not sure I’ve ever hated a fantasy team more than this one. They’re a Mike Vick and a Fred Taylor away from me plotting assassination attempts against them.

9th place: Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected points -- 2001.01
Unlike the presidential hopeful’s server, which boasts thousands of thousands of surprising bits of information, the problem with Jim’s team is no depth. He has three solid WRs (Cobb, C Johnson and D Adams) and a QB (Tom Brady) whose stats will be overinflated this year, for a change. But he has two TEs (J Thomas and Gates) who won’t be playing until October and a thin set of also-ran RBs. Also, when Brady gets suspended for the next round of cheating, backup QB Derek Carr isn’t going to help much.

8th place: king hippo (Sam)
Projected points -- 2023.23
There are no Patriots or Panthers on Sam’s team, so I assume he has already checked out for the season. That’s a shame, because QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Jamaal Charles are going to produce some gigantic weeks for this team. After that comes a pair of too-young RBs (Abdullah and Gurley) and too-old everything else (WR Marshall, WR Boldin, WR Colston, QB Palmer, TE Daniels). So, maybe it’s best not to watch.

7th place: Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected points -- 2097.20
I’m still hoping Mike upgrades his name from last year, because right now I’ve got the best one by a mile. But I’m perfectly fine with him keeping his team as average as it is right now. Philly backup RB Ryan Matthews is his second-best rusher, San Diego disappointment WR Keenan Allen is his second-best wideout. He did manage to grab the top two TEs off the board (Gronkowski and Graham) but you can’t win with TEs alone. Unless the game is “pick the best tight end.” Then, yes, of course, you can win with just TEs.

6th place: Heap Big Chief Red (Joel)
Projected points -- 2111.54
Joel wins the award for the most confusing team name, but he’ll back up his fantasy football game with a mediocre roster. QB Peyton Manning should be good for the first half of the season, before Father Time begins his inevitable chokehold on the bobblehead passer. RB Marshawn Lynch and TE Travis Kelce will be solid. But the remains of WR Sammy Watkins? The remains of WR Stevie Johnson? The remains of WR Pierre Garcon? And 100-year-old Nick Folk kicking for the squad? Eh.

5th place: May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected points -- 2175.33
Ladies and gentlemen, your Miami Dolphins! This year’s team features RB Lamar Miller, WR Jarvis Landry, and TE Jordan Cameron, plus former Miami WR Mike Wallace and former U Florida WR Percy Harvin. If Paul doesn’t trade for the Miami defense at some point this season, I’m going to feel like he wasted all of our time.

4th place: Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected points -- 2265.65
Wait, are we sure this isn’t Paul’s “I heart WRs” team revived from the dead? Dad’s team is loaded with wideouts -- Odell Beckham, Julius Jones, Emmanuel Sanders, Amari Cooper -- and has garbage for RBs (backup Giovani Bernard may be the only startable back he has for week 1). QB Russell Wilson’s rushing yards won’t be enough to make up for that deficiency and give us our first-ever Awesome Cup repeat champion.

3rd place: Eat Drink and D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected points -- 2303.33
I’m all in on Sam Bradford. Sure, my team has great RBs and a solid all-around receiving cast, but the key to my success this year is going to be the new Eagles signal caller and the strength of his ability to execute Chip Kelly’s complex crossing routes to perfectio … ahhhh the baby just sneezed and Bradford’s ACL tore again. Nevermind.

2nd place: Getting Chippy (Joanner)
Projected points -- 2366.76
It is a testament to the absurdity of Yahoo’s rankings and autopick drafts that Joanner could steal Le’Veon Bell -- arguably #1 overall pick in fantasy this season -- with the #6 pick in our draft. With that kind of luck, it’s not hard to see how she could jump to the top of the pile and claim her first championship this year. Her three-wideout set of Green, Cooks and Maclin may be the best starting trio of any team. Her RBs are solid, QBs Newton and Kaepernick will toss in more rushing points … It’ll really come down to coaching. And injuries. But those are really the coach’s fault, after all.

1st place: Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected points -- 2366.79
This is what a championship team looks like, folks. A sneaky good QB (Ben Roethisberger). Three solid RBs (Lacy, Forsett, L Murray). Two starting wideouts with the same name (D Jackson and V Jackson). A TE that’s so old I thought he was dead. (Heath Miller). Nevermind that I picked Bob to win last year and he finished in the middle of the pack. THIS is the year that the Awesome Cup travels to Bethlehem.


...or, maybe not. Just in case I’m wrong again this year (13 years running!), get your lineups set by Thursday evening for the stupid opening game featuring the stupid Patriots. And good luck to all, by which I mean bad luck to all of you.

Fantasy league 2015 -- draft preview

Congrats to Dad for his benevolent reign as last season’s Awesome Cup champion, but his time at the top is now officially finished. Welcome to the weekly blog, and welcome to the 2015 fantasy football season.

We've added a new coach this year, changed a few scoring settings and waiver wire rules, but we’re keeping the total points format (due to apathy from everyone involved) and keeping the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me. Don’t worry, it’s totally fair. If you lose, it’s because your coaching was bad.

Junior Awesome is back again picking out the draft order, with Baby Awesome offering her commentary to his play-by-play. The alphabet magnets are ready, the 2003 Eagles skull cap is ready, and the lucky loser who will pick at the end of the first round is …

12th pick -- Mike
Slight drop in the draft order for last season’s second-place finisher, but B.A. seems excited by the mention of her godfather’s name. It’s unclear if her drooling means she thinks he should go WR-WR with the picks at the turn or if the last bottle is about to come back up.

11th pick -- Jim
Another drop, with the 2014 bronze medalist falling one spot in his projected draft order. When I tell B.A. that Jim’s beloved Steelers just signed Mike Vick as a backup, she tosses a car in disgust. Her throw is not intercepted, unlike Vick’s.

10th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Junior is promptly sent to his room as punishment for dropping me three spots lower than I should have. It’s the only way he’ll learn. B.A. laughs as I try to explain to him how to read tiles using only his fingertips as preparation for next year’s draft.

9th pick -- Dad
Junior responds to my chastisement by giving his grandfather a gigantic gift, moving him four spots up from his projected draft order spot. B.A. hears mention of a grandparent, then cries when none is supplied. Her penchant for crying over nothing makes me worry that she may be a D.C. sports fan already.

8th pick -- Jeff
No real surprise here for last year’s 7th-place finisher. When I mention Jeff is a Niner’s fan, B.A. asks if we’re all finally past the hype of Colin Kaepernick as a serious annual Pro-Bowl candidate. Before I can respond, she belches.

7th pick -- Mom Doyle
Our new coach gets welcomed to the league with some straight-up cheating by her grandson. Rookies always go in the hat first, to have the best chance at the last pick, but Junior managed to pull five other names before hers. As I shake my head in disbelief, B.A. high fives her brother.

6th place -- Jo
The children are clearly playing favorites here, with Mom also getting a luck draft bounce and drafting than her 4th-place finish last year should suggest. B.A. responds by filling her diaper in excitement. That’s gonna be Mom’s problem to clean up.

5th place -- Bob
The pop-culture professor gets himself in line for one of the top five RBs thanks to Junior’s work. But who will that back be? B.A. contemplates the question for a moment, grabs a nearby DVD of “Rear Window,” and begins to try and eat it. Sounds like DeMarco Murray to me.

4th place -- Sam
Oooh, a tough break for last year’s second-to-last finisher, who instead has to settle for 4th (We call that the “Jaguars’ resting place” around here). B.A. laughs, but in that sorta sad way where you can tell she’s a little afraid of the enormity of the situation, or maybe just gassy again.

3rd place -- Paul
Our worst team from last year gets only the third-best pick, but both kids are heartened by Paul’s new team name. So long, “I heart WRs.” Hello, “May pay attention.” B.A. commends him for his honesty.

2nd place -- Joel
The excitement of Joel’s move to the top pair of picks proves too much for B.A., who sneezes in response. Unfortunately, that gust of wind is enough to rupture Sam Bradford’s ACL again. Tough break.

1st place -- Ant
It doesn’t matter how many ways I fool with this, Anthony always seems to end up with one of the top picks. B.A. hears the news, looks at me, and says her first words: “That guy is just gonna waste it on LaDanian Tomlinson again.”

There you have it, folks. The draft will take place overnight on Friday, so get your player rankings finalized before 11:59pm that day. And update your team names to something better. You’re not going to top my “Eat Drink and D Murray,” but you can try.

And one final reminder -- Here's what you're all playing for:

Field of 64, Philly Style

A little change in our annual Mahe Madness Philly tournament this year, since we've had so many departures of late. Instead of who won the year, here's a look at who has left ...

(Click on the picture to view it full size)

Fantasy league 2014 -- final standings

The 2014 season is over and the Awesome Cup is all ready to be awarded for the 13th time. But, as is our special holiday tradition before the official presentation, let’s look back on the other 10 losers in the league and their disappointing failure of a year:

I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected: 2nd place, 2457.67 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1610.25 pts
NFL equivalent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I may have missed this prediction by a bit. Paul was in the mix for the championship this year until week 2 rolled around, and pretty much never challenged for anything but last place after that. He finished as far out of 10th place as 10th place finished out of 1st place. In the fantasy business, we call that “not good.” On the plus side, like the Bucs, he’s in line for a great draft pick next year. Maybe.

King Hippo (Sam)
Projected: 9th place, 2057.89 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1989.17 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Like its namesake, Sam’s team never gave up fighting. And, again, like its namesake, Sam’s team ultimately ended up in a pile of rubble in the corner of the ring. Last year’s Awesome Cup champion missed the 2000 pts mark by a hair, and earned second-last place thanks to a weak RB corps and an inconsistent Cam Newton. But this year’s failure can never diminish last year’s glory. Except, you know, for the shame he has to carry for the next eight months.

Car full of Clowneys (Joel)
Projected: 5th place, 2314.66 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 2039.28 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Joel had one of the league’s top QBs (Tom Brady), one of the top RBs (Jamaal Charles) and the top wideout (Antonio Brown). So I have no idea how he ended up so far down here. Bad coaching? Bad luck? Maybe he was playing in the AFC North where 7 wins got you last place? Or maybe Tampa RB Doug Martin is really just that much of a team killer.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected: 8th place, 2082.82 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 2039.98 pts
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Anthony grabs 8th place from Joel by 0.70 pts, thereby making me dead-on in my pre-season prediction. His team boasted one of the top TEs (Rob Gronkowski), one of the top WRs (Jordy Nelson), and the top defense (Eagles). And … that’s about it. Crappy RB play and a thin wideout bench left him down in the bottom half of the standings. Like the Bears, it looked OK on paper, but it just never worked on the field.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected: 10th place, 2039.08 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: St. Louis Rams
It has been nine years since Jeff claimed his Awesome Cup title, about the same time the Rams last made the playoffs. There hasn’t been much exciting to talk about since then for both. Unlike the Rams, however, Jeff played most of this season a defensive player short after forgetting to set his roster in week 7, which probably hurt his chances of victory. Still, playing a man down he beat six other teams, so that’s impressive in its own right. Still a failure, but impressive.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected: 4th place, 2327.88 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
Another year, another promising campaign by Bob which comes up short of the prize. He usually finishes near the top, but, like Andy Reid, can’t seem to close the deal. He missed 5th place by 3.5 pts (a lot of close contests this year) and wastes the work of the league’s top top MVP candidates, Aaron Rodgers and JJ Watt. Maybe a more aggressive name next year could help? Early suggestions: the Caine Mutineers, the African Queens, the Casablanca Play-it-Agains.

Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)
Projected: 3rd place, 2370.72 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 2188.35 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
It all looked good for most of the season, didn’t it? The Eagles were in first, I was in first, everything was clicking … and then December came. Everything fell apart, and both of our teams went from contenders to sad, sad pretenders. On the plus side, by finishing outside the top 4, I’m guaranteed not to pick last in next year’s draft. On the minus side, it’s the first time I haven’t finished in the league’s top three since 2007, which was a nice streak.

Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)
Projected: 6th place, 2144.27 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2334.16 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
If not for a fourth-quarter injury to LeVeon Bell in the final regular season game, we could be talking about Joanna returning the Awesome Cup to Fort Awesome and rubbing it in my face. Instead, she falls 13 pts short of the top spot and gets nothing but sad, disappointed stares from the rest of the household all off-season long. Just two more TDs over the course of the season could have won the title. That’s painful, until you consider...

Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)
Projected: 11th place, 1998.72 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2338.15 pts
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
… that our third place finisher landed a mere 9 pts out of first place, making these top handful of teams ridiculously close together. For Jim, the difference between winning and losing could have been a few extra FGs given up by the Arizona defense over the course of the season, or getting more than a single point from his two defensive players in week 17, or one more long pass from Andrew Luck, or or or or … It’s enough to drive you crazy. Getting a bronze medal instead of a gold by such a small margin is painful, until you consider ...

Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected: 7th place, 2108.78 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2341.72 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
… that our second place finisher landed a mere 5.16 pts out of first place, or roughly 22 thousandths of Mike’s team’s total points for the season. Or put another way: In week 10, Mike accidentally left his kicker on the bench, and missing those 12 pts cost him the championship. That’s it. One mistake, one ignored week, one coaching lapse and the championship is lost. Mike fielded an awesome team, collected more than 2300 pts, fell a hair short and gets the title of the league’s 10th loser. Fantasy football is a demanding four-month grind, not for the faint of heart. Remember that for 2016.

Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)
Projected: 1st place, 2457.68 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2346.88 pts
NFL equivalent: 2007 New York Giants
History was made this season … by me. With Dad’s victory, I have my first accurate pre-season champion prediction in the 13-year history of the league, an accomplishment that in many ways is bigger and more important than what Dad achieved. But, he deserves some credit too.

Dad bet his first round pick on Peyton Manning, eschewing the traditional early RB grab, and rode him all year long … until week 17, where he benched his star and turned to the inferior Eli Manning to bring home the title. The move meant not only shaming his favorite non-Eagle into bench duty but also rooting against his own Philadelphia roots, as he needed all of Eli’s 429 passing yards to pass Mike and win the title.

Sometimes championships require moral sacrifices, and I can’t think of anything more morally corrupt than believing that Eli “turnover” Manning can lead you to a respectable championship. But it worked for the Giants in 2007, and it worked for Stewie Griffins Head this year.

So now, Dad gets his name etched among the greats fantasy history:

As always, thanks to everyone for playing this season, and I hope to see you all back here again in August. I’m gonna pull back on this blog in the football off-season, because I feel like the non-fantasy posts are getting stale and I’m frankly running out of time to say funny things. So, we’ll see if maybe I post things every few weeks, or just around draft time, or not at all until summer camp starts up. For the last eight years, I’ve posted something here every week except for three. After 695 blog entries, this site is overdue for a few changes.

But I still plan on being back here next year every week of the NFL season for 20 more posts of triumph and ridicule, and a chance to reclaim my title from the man who shares my name. Start getting your teams ready now, because you only have eight months of preparation time left.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 17 recap

Let’s compare a few QBs:

QB #1 -- 311 attempts, 2,163 yds, 13 TDs, 10 INTs
QB #2 -- 309 attempts, 2,418 yds, 14 TDs, 11 INTs

QB #3 -- 525 attempts, 3,640 yds, 28 TDs, 18 INTs
QB #4 -- 620 attempts, 4,581 yds, 27 TDs, 21 INTs

QB #1 is Nick Foles. QB #2 is Mark Sanchez. They posted scarily similar and depressing stats for an Eagles offense that was supposed to be about explosive scoring and ball control.

QB #4 is Foles and Sanchez combined for the season. QB #3 is Jay Cutler, whose season was widely regarded as an utter failure given all the offensive weapons on the Bears. Turnover machine Eli Manning, for comparison, threw 29 TDs and only 13 INTs this season.

All of which is to say -- if you have a crappy defense, maybe next year don’t give them so many opportunities to fail.

Top performers of the season

QBs
3rd place: Peyton Manning, 391.68 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Dad)
2nd place: Aaron Rodgers, 430.64 pts -- 3rd QB drafted (Bobert)
1st place: Andrew Luck, 432.74 pts -- 5th QB drafted (Jim)
The biggest story at QB was the 4th-best fantasy passer on the year: Ben Roethlisberger, the 15th QB selected in our league draft and an afterthought in many others. Nick Foles came in at spot #29.

WRs
3rd place: Jordy Nelson, 277.77 pts -- 7th WR drafted (Ant)
2nd place: Demaryius Thomas, 287.93 pts -- 2nd WR (Jeff)
1st place: Antonio Brown, 339.68 pts -- 8th WR drafted (Joel)
Brown posted the second-most catches ever in NFL history (129) and still didn’t come close to Marvin Harrison’s record (143). Crazy, right? There is a wideout record that isn’t held by Jerry Rice.

RBs
3rd place: Matt Forte, 321.17 pts -- 3rd RB drafted (Mike)
2nd place: DeMarco Murray, 338.23 pts -- 8th RB drafted (Jeff)
1st place: LeVeon Bell, 343.53 pts -- 14th RB drafted (Joanner)
Bell rushed for 500 fewer yards than Murray but had 25 more catches, 400 more receiving yards and 5 fewer fumbles. And he also has a soul, since he’s not a Cowboy.

TEs
3rd place: Antonio Gates, 195.73 pts -- 17th TE drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Jimmy Graham, 202.77 pts -- 1st TE drafted (Sam)
1st place: Rob Gronkowski, 228.93 pts -- 3rd TE drafted (Ant)
This is the second category where I had a 4th place guy (Martellus Bennett here, Marshawn Lynch in RBs) and I almost expanded this recap just to get my name in here more often.

K
3rd place: Adam Vinatieri, 153.00 pts -- 2nd K drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Cody Parkey, 163.00 pts -- undrafted (Dad)
1st place: Stephen Gostkowski, 170.50 pts -- 1st K drafted (me)
For all the Eagles off-season soul-searching and lamenting, at least they don’t have to worry about finding a new kicker.

DEF
3rd place: Houston, 207.00 pts -- 7th DEF drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Buffalo, 211.00 pts -- undrafted (unowned)
1st place: Philadelphia, 216.00 pts -- undrafted (Ant)
Defenses just killed us this year, so much so that the second-best defense of the season ended up unowned at year’s end. On the plus side, with 11 defensive/return TDs, six blocked kicks and the second-best kicker in the league, the Eagles’ special teams were just spectacular.

D
3rd place: DeAndre Levy, 74.00 pts -- undrafted (Sam)
2nd place: Justin Houston, 84.00 pts -- undrafted (Joanner)
1st place: JJ Watt, 138.77 pts -- undrafted (Bob)
FYI, I was 4th in this category too (Luke Kuechly). The fact that JJ Watt went undrafted is an indictment of Yahoo’s screwy draft rankings.

Immediate takeaway -- nice work by us. All 11 teams are represented at one of these spots, and no one had more than three of the top players. That’s parity, folks. It’s like we’re playing in the real NFL here.

Worst performers of the year

3rd place: Matt Flynn, -1.86 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Travis Poole, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Matt Schaub, -3.72 pts -- on the wire

Hard to say who should be more embarrassed on this list, Flynn or Schaub (Poole had one rushing attempt all year and fumbled, which is just bad luck). Schaub appeared in just two games this year and threw a pick in each of them, amassing a miserable QB rating of 11.1. Flynn had a season QB rating of three times that -- 34.9 -- but totaled his sad stats of 66 yards passing and two turnovers over the course of seven games for the Packers. It’s hard to be on the field that much and not accidentally do something good just once.

Worst defense of the year honors go to Oakland, who totaled just 73 fantasy pts (4.6 pts per week) and beat out the Maryland Racial Slurs by a single point. They allowed the second-most points in the league and collected the second-fewest sacks, but they were first in the most-sucking category.


The end of a season is always a good time to go back and look at how terrible professional sports analysts are at their jobs.

Sports Illustrated picked the Broncos to beat the Saints in the Super Bowl, which would be an easy task for Denver if they found a way to face the 7-9 homebound New Orleans squad in this year’s championship. SI’s predictions actually missed on four of the six NFC playoff teams, with the Saints, Eagles, Bears and 49ers all missing the post-season.

Fox Sports’ Joel Beall predicted the Packers would beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl, but in the same column named Toby Gerhart the “steal” of this year’s fantasy draft (54th best RB in our league), said Browns WR Jordan Cameron would get 1,200 yards receiving (he had 424) and called Russell Wilson overrated.

ESPN’s consensus pick had the 49ers losing to the Broncos in the Super Bowl. Fifteen of their 16 experts picked the Eagles to win the NFC East. The only one who didn’t was Bill Barnwell, who picked the eventual 4-12 DC squad to win the division. Herm Edwards picked Tampa Bay to make the Super Bowl, which -- now that they finished last in the league -- is as wrong as you can possibly be.

Your guide to watching this year’s NFL playoffs:

** Cardinals at Panthers: See a third-string QB take on a Carolina squad that posted a 1-5-1 record against teams with a winning record. Post-season excitement!
** Ravens at Steelers: A rare playoff rivalry game between two AFC North Division foes. Let the hatred flow through you.
** Bengals at Colts: Which mediocre AFC playoff team can choke faster? It’s been 24 years since Cincinnati saw a playoff win, but they Colts haven’t beaten a decent opponent since October (when they shut out the Bengals).
** Lions at Cowboys: A despicable gray and blue team squares off in Dallas against a despicable gray and blue team.

Bye weeks: Seahawks, Packers, Patriots, Broncos -- three fan bases with recent Super Bowl wins and Petyon Manning and his entourage of fawning fans.

Here’s hoping for a Panthers/Bengals Super Bowl, just because.


Dallas finished its season 12-4 and will host the Lions next week in a home playoff contest, only the second Cowboys playoff game to be held in Jerry Jones new stadium of debauchery. A lot of pundits are picking the NFC East champions to go deep in the playoffs, based on their strong running attack and solid offensive line. But, the linemen themselves may not share the same opinion. Consider OT Jermey Parnell…

Dallas Cowboys Right Offensive Tackle Jermey Parnell
Team jelling? BS. Clever lad errs, playoff choke on its way.

Oh, Jeremey, we hope you’re right. It’s gonna be tough to look ahead to 2015 if it starts with a Dallas playoff win.

Of course, “Dallas starts year 2015” anagrams to “Dallas 2 start 0-15. Yes! Ra!” so maybe we can cling to that for next season.


** I went 3-2 against Dad on the picks this week, not good enough to overcome my four-game deficit in our yearly picks. He finished the season 166-89, correctly predicting 65% of the league’s games. That would put him 7th on ESPN’s panel of 14 football experts. But keep in mind that he gets paid millions less than they do for the exact same insight, and he only needs about five minutes of prep time to compile his picks.

It’s Dad’s third consecutive victory in our regular season picks, a contest so one-sided it could be a Broncos-Raiders game. But until he wins an Awesome Cup, he really can’t claim to know anything about football.

** Speaking of football, there’s still one game left to care about! Don’t forget to watch Ohio State against Alabama in the college football playoff on Thursday. Then, if the Buckeyes lose, you don’t have to watch any more football until August.

** Seriously, fantasy baseball? What the hell are we gonna do for eight months?


The final 2014 standings -- and the awarding of the Awesome Cup -- will take place on Tuesday.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 16 recap

 

Here’s a look at the upcoming dates of note for Philadelphia’s sports fans, now that the Eagles just choked away a chance at getting one team in the playoffs in 2014.

** Jan 30 -- Wing Bowl 23. This may be the only day of the next 10 weeks where local sports radio isn’t complaining about the Eagles.
** Feb 20 -- Phillies spring training begins. This may be the last day in 2015 the team is at or above .500.
** April 13 -- NHL playoffs begin. If the Flyers can grab a post-season spot, it will be only the third playoff appearance by a major Philly sports team in four years.
** April 18 -- NBA playoffs begin. The Sixers will not be participating.
** April 30 -- NFL draft. Thanks to their high-but-not-high-enough win total, the Eagles will likely pick 20th, the worst of any non-playoff team.
** May 1 - Nov 14 -- Nothing, really.
** Nov 15: Week 11 of the 2015 NFL season. If the Eagles have 7 wins or more, they might be worth believing in then. Maybe.

Coming next week: Our 2016 Philadelphia sports fans schedule, where the faithful can dream of having two local teams make the playoffs. Maybe.

QB: Russell Wilson, 40.36 pts -- started by Joanner
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 29.66 pts -- started by Dad
RB: C.J. Anderson, 25.97 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Antonio Gates, 25.13 pts -- started by Paul
K: Randy Bullock, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 22.00 pts -- started by Paul
D: Antoine Bethea, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Paul gave up on his fantasy team months ago, but his team didn’t give up on him. He had two top performers for the week and saw his squad post 120 pts, the first time he has broken triple digits since week 5. It’s been a rough season...

“More defenses” edition
3rd place: St. Louis, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -3.00 pts -- started by Sam
1st place: Arizona, -5.00 pts -- started by Jim

Combined with Dad’s zero pts from the Minnesota D, we had three coaches start defenses that totaled -8.00 pts. That’s bad. Not like Eagles secondary bad, but bad.


When the Panthers eked out a victory over the Browns on Sunday, the Carolina radio crew announced that the NFC South title would come down to next week’s finale against the Atlanta Falcons (in Hotlanta). “What a crazy season, and it’s only fitting that a spot in the playoffs would come down to the final week.”

“Fitting” was not the first word that came to my mind. “Pathetic,” “ridiculous,” and “unfair” hopped in there first.

The final game pits the 6-8-1 Panthers against the 6-9 Falcons for a guaranteed home game. Meanwhile, the Eagles -- who beat the Panthers by 24 points and will finish no worse than two games ahead of them in the standings -- are already making their golf plans for January.

So, don’t try and feed me that one of these teams falling backwards into the playoffs is “fitting.” Infuriating, perhaps. An affront to decency and the Christmas spirit, sure. But not “fitting.”

What some of your favorite NFL notables are asking for this Christmas:

** Peyton Manning -- A brand new football, preferably one of those kinds that used to fly all the way into the end zone for him.
** Bradley Fletcher -- A chainsaw on a pole, so maybe he could defend one of those passes he’s always way out of position on.
** Bill Belichick -- A chalice of puppy blood, just like the one he drinks every morning.
** Tony Romo -- The Cowboys second playoff win of the last 19 years. The only other one came in 2009.
** Joe Flacco -- A time machine, to go back a few years to when he was good.
** Roger Goodell -- Three french hens, two turtle doves, and one week without a controversy.
** JJ Watt -- Red meat. Or at least one more person to hit today.

The Eagles’ impressive choke job down the stretch handed the division title to the Dallas Cowboys for the first time in five years (and only the third time in the last 17 years). It’s a proud week for the spawns of Satan, but what does that playoff berth and NFC East championship really mean? Just look at the words, my friends.

Dallas Cowboys grab their eighteenth NFC East crown
** Bench has a lone, crying fact: the world gets a bit worse

It’s all fun and games until you realize Dallas gets to call the year a success, which means mankind has failed once again.
   
** One week left, down four to Dad. I’m not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet, but I’m gonna need a lot of help.

** Despite the craziness each week this year, only two playoff spots are up for grabs in the final week of the season. Either the Panthers or Falcons get the last open NFC spot, and the Chargers-Ravens-Texans-Chiefs can get the last AFC spot. And yet none of the NFC playoff seeding is set, and only the Patriots (#1 seed overall) are set in the AFC. Weird year.

** Seriously, though, what the hell are we gonna watch for the next 10 months? Ugh. Fantasy baseball league to distract ourselves? Anyone else wanna volunteer for 25 weekly recaps?

I'm not serious. I don't think. Maybe, though? We'd need 8 people for a league...

Week 16 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 2248.82 pts
2 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 2225.01 pts
3 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 2212.91 pts
4 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 2198.42 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 2064.25 pts
6 --- Tickle me Romo --- 2054.68 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1954.40 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1916.81 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1895.68 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 1879.64 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1509.25 pts

The top of the league is clear: Mike has a solid but unspectacular lead heading into the final weekend, but Dad, Joanna and Jim still have a shot at getting their name on the Awesome Cup.

So, since we’ll be focusing on the winner after next week, let’s look at what’s at stake for the rest of the league. Paul has last place locked up, but Sam, Joel, and Ant are all in a vicious fight to see who’s team is terrible and which one is truly, truly terrible. Jeff has the 7 spot all but guaranteed, and Bob and I are in a fierce battle to see who should be more disappointed with finishing outside the top four.

Ten losers will be crowned one week from today. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.