Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 3 recap

Forget the result of Sunday’s game — it’s clear the Eagles have a serious coaching problem, and there is only one logical solution.

Through three games this season, Nick Sirianni’s coaching decisions have directly resulted in four missed field goal opportunities and twice unnecessarily handed the ball to the opposing team with a chance to surrender the lead. His moves have already cost the Eagles one-third of their games. In a division that might be decided by a single victory, that kind of leadership is unforgivable.

Meanwhile, Eagles management (and fans) believe that the team has championship-caliber talent, but it isn’t being used correctly on the field. With multiple track stars on offense, why is the team constantly running TE screen plays? Why has QB Jalen Hurt regressed severely over the last 20 games? Why doesn’t this team beat up on lesser teams anymore?

The answer, of course, is poor coaching. And there’s already a known way to address that in Philadelphia. It’s a big move, but we all know deep down it’s the right one.

It’s time to fire Nick Sirianni mid-season and hire Rob Thomson to get this team to the Super Bowl.

Look, I hear what you’re saying. “But Thomson doesn’t know football. You can’t put him in here.” Wrong. Thomson, whose team won the NL East this week, knows how pro players think. He rejuvenated a locker room full of struggling stars and inspired a fan base. He has taken his team to the playoffs three straight years. He knows how to win and how to use the talent around him.

“But Rob Thomson already has a job. He can’t do both.” Wrong again. The Phillies wrap up their season this week. They have already won the NL East. That final series against the Natinals isn’t important. Thomson can start with the game against Tampa this week, while the Phillies are coasting. Then the Eagles have a week 5 bye, just as the Phillies are starting the division series. Sure, there may be a game in late October where Thomson has to decide which team he’ll oversee, but that’s what assistant coaches are for. It’s a minimal inconvenience for a big payoff.

“But Thomson doesn’t want the job. This is just ridiculous.” Gawd, do you ever get sick of listening to yourself being so wrong? When Thomson signed a one-year extension last December, he said he wanted to coach as long as Philadelphia wants him here. He didn’t say “only if the Phillies want me.” He’s a team player and a team motivator. He’s gonna do what Philadelphia needs him to do. He’s the hero we need, not the hero we deserve.

For the good of the city, I expect Sirianni’s resignation by Wednesday and for Thomson to walk across the street after the Cubs’ series ends Wednesday night.

QB: Josh Allen, 38.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jauan Jennings, 35.17 pts — on the wire
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.30 pts — started by me
TE: Cole Kmet, 17.47 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Jaire Alexander, 10.50 pts — on the wire

Just how improbable was Jennings’ posting the top wideout score of the week? He had 11 catches for 175 yds and three TDs in the 49ers loss to the Rams on Sunday. Last season, he had 19 catches for 265 yds and one TD. That’s 31.17 fantasy points for all of 2023. He beat that in four quarters on Sunday. It helps when every other player on the 49ers offense is out…

Through three weeks, Allen is the highest scoring QB in all of fantasy. But in second place? That’s the legendary passer Sam Darnold, whose Minnesota Vikings are 3-0. He has thrown eight TDs this year, after tossing nine over the last two years combined. And Sunday’s win brings his career record up to 24-35. Go figure.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Ant’s bench

1st place: (tie) Las Vegas, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Jacksonville, -4.00 pts — on my bench

1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — started by Jeff  

Second week in a row that the Dallas defense was worth negative points. Last year they were the top ranked defense with 189 fantasy points. They’ll have to average almost 13 points a game to match that total over the back half of the season

On the season, the Dallas defense is ranked 27th out of 32 teams, just one point ahead of the Panthers (who have the same record as the Cowboys, for those keeping score at home). The Raiders beat the Ravens last week but lost to the Panthers this week. The Cowboys lost to the Ravens this week. Therefore, by the transitive properties of sports, the Cowboys are actually worse than the Panthers. Too bad they managed to squeak out a win against the Browns in week 1.


** At halftime of the Thursday night game, Amazon host Charissa Thompson welcomed the viewing audience with this:

“It has been a dream half for New York tonight — Aaron Rodgers throws his first TD as a Jet and his team leads 14-3.”

Ignoring the fact that the game took place in New Jersey and not New York … is that really a “dream” half? The Patriots totaled 40 yds of offense and the Jets led them by just 11 pts (and had missed a last-minute FG just a few seconds earlier.) Rodgers’ passer rating for the half was 116.7, which is great, but not really dreamlike. He was 40 points away from being perfect.

Maybe Charissa just has much calmer dreams than the rest of us? Or she thought that New York is a concrete jungle where dreams are made eh?

** ESPN had a story Saturday previewing the Cowboys/Ravens game that noted the contest would feature two RBs “closing in on 10,000 yds rushing.” The first, Derrick Henry, entered Sunday needing just 368 yds to reach the mark, and had 151 against the Cowboys. He’ll likely reach the mark before November.

The second, Ezekiel Elliott, came into the game needing 1,040 yds to reach 10K.

That’s not “closing in” on 10,000 yards rushing.

That’s 10 percent short. That’s looking at it far off in the distance. It’s imagining the possibilities of reaching that mark. It’s a hypothetical, not a certainty. Elliot is averaging 21 yds a game this year and has collected 1,095 yds rushing over his last 27 games. At best, the earliest he could reach the mark would be sometime late in 2025, and that’s only if he more than doubles his recent output.

By the way, Elliot had 6 yds rushing on three attempts Sunday, putting him on the verge of 10,000 career rushing yards. Just a mere 1,034 left.

Playoff baseball is on the way next week. And when the NL East champion Phillies come up to bat during the postseason, you may notice something a little different.

MLB officials announced last week that all players’ batting helmets throughout the playoffs will feature an ad from the German apparel company Strauss. The deal is for four years of postseason play, and financial terms were not announced.

Some may call this a short-sighted cash grab, but this move helps expand the opportunities for these struggling sports franchises to finally make some money back. And once these helmet ads become normal, it’s clear what the next steps will be in each league:

** Forehead ads for baseball players — If Taco Bell is going to give everyone a free taco when a player steals a base in the World Series, shouldn’t they get to show off their brand as the player steals the base? Imagine Bryce Harper’s hair flying in the wind, unveiling a large “Live Mas” logo as he slides into second. That’s quality ad spending.

** Offensive lineman butt ads — NFL broadcasts routinely show the QB’s view on replays, and the biggest unused areas are the rear-ends of the very large linemen protecting the passer. Why not make that space useful? Imagine how well a Target ad would play there without being a distraction on passing plays.

** NHL glass wall ads — The walls surrounding the ice in hockey games should be plastered with profitable ads, but the NHL continues to foolishly leave that area clear just to allow ticket holders a better view of the action. But how long is that a viable plan? Time to start stickering over and letting in-stadium fans follow the action on their phones, like they’re supposed to.

** Jason Kelce sleeping time ads — Sure, the former Eagles center is already in every ad possible while he’s awake. But what about the six to eight hours while he’s unconscious? Why not give him branded blankets, branded pillows, and a 24/7 camera to maximize his advertising value? With enough creativity, his snores could even be remixed into a new Wawa ad.


The Cowboys have had a lot of poor performers early this season, but their special teams players aren’t among them. K Brandon Aubrey on Sunday booted a 65-yard FG, the second longest in NFL history. He’s 10-for-10 this season and has made his last 15 in a row from over 50 yds.

But what did the Dallas coaching staff see in him when they signed him last year that hinted to the player he’d become? Was it his work ethic? His leg strength? No. It was simply the message that his name spelled out that made them know he was the perfect fit for the team:

Dallas Kicker Brandon Aubrey
** A rock-eyed, LSD barbarian lunk

You’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb for the other barbarians to call you a lunk.

** I swept all three games different Dad and I had in our weekly picks, so now I’m up one for the year. This battle so far is just like the back-and-forth game between the Eagles and Saints: low scoring and kinda difficult to watch.

** I don’t even know how to make fun of this: North Carolina lost 70-50 to James Madison on Saturday. Yes, that is a football score. And, yes, North Carolina is in the trop FBS division, but James Madison is not. That means that not only were the Tar Heels shocked in a massive upset by a lower division team, but they also paid James Madison $500,000 for the privilege of getting their heads kicked in. Football is a wonderful game.

** The Eagles are only in second place, by the way. the Maryland Commies are technically in first, since they also have a 2-1 record but boast a division win.

** The Phillies are NL East champs, just in case you missed the news.

Week 3 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.58 pts
2 — Jabronis (Ant), 362.03 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 352.90 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 351.14 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 348.05 pts
6 — Kodos for President (Jo), 346.16 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 333.97 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 333.18 pts
9 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 331.51 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 282.57 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 265.62 pts
12 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits All of Them (Paul), 261.45 pts

We’re finished another week and suffered through another complete rewriting of the standings. Jeff jumps from second to first. Bob’s team fell three spots. Ant moves from five up to two, while Mom D leaps from 10th to fifth. Jo falls behind me for the first time this season, giving me the household bragging rights.

The only spots that didn’t change were out bottom two, but Paul did update his name from “Let’s Go Union” to a tribute to the greatest safety in NFL history. Sadly, that didn’t result in a better performance, but it does make the other end of the leaders chart look better.

Just 41 pts separate first place from ninth. That’s like one good week from Saquon Barkley. It’s still anyone’s game.

This week, the Cowboys and Giants play on Thursday night, the Eagles play a second Sunday in a row, and we get two Monday night games again, for reasons. Now is the time to dump those loser Jaguars and Bengals players and start refining the roster for the real start of fall football.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 2 recap

This quiz on remedial life skills was handed out to Eagles coaches on Tuesday morning:

If you leave the faucet open in your sink, what will the water do?

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

Name a hobby that about 50 million Americans participate in on a regular basis:

Running
Throwing a risky swing pass

Complete this famous movie quote: “_____, Forrest, ____!”

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

In 2019, Vice President Joe Biden was considering starting a campaign for president, but was unsure if his bid would succeed. What did he ultimately decide to do?

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

If your team is leading by a field goal in the last two minutes of the game and you’re facing a third-and-short and the other team has no timeouts and no way to stop the clock and you have the slightest bit of common sense, what is the right play call?

Run
Run
Run
Run
Run
Throw a risky swing pass

FYI, all of the Eagles coaches got a zero on the quiz, except for Vic Fangio, who scored a 20%. Apparently he is a very big Forrest Gump fan.

QB: Kyler Murray, 34.54 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Marvin Harrison Jr., 22.67 pts — started by Sam
RB: Alvin Kamara, 40.83 pts — started by Bob
TE: George Kittle, 14.57 pts — started by Ant
K: Austin Seibert, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 19.00 pts — on my bench
D: Aidan Hutchinson, 13.00 pts — started by Paul

In the best RB performance since week 4 of last year, Kamara scored four times against the vaunted Cowboys defense to end Dallas’s 16-game home win streak (which apparently did not include their home playoff loss last year, for reasons). His 59.43 pts so far this season make him the fantasy MVP through two weeks, just ahead of … checks notes .. Baker Mayfield is still up here? What the heck?

Harrison — the much-hyped rookie for the Cardinals — had just one catch in his debut last week. This week, he was shut out after the first quarter, giving him a grand total of four receiving yards for seven of his first eight professional quarters. However, in that first quarter, he had 130 yds receiving and two TDs. I guess what I’m saying is that he can be a streaky player.

Also through two games, 15 team defenses have recorded four or fewer sacks. Hutchinson had four and a half on Sunday alone. And his team lost. So, once again, football makes no sense.

“Dallas stinks” edition

3rd place: Dallas, -1.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
2nd place: Clayton Tune, -2.60 pts — on the wire
1st place: LA Rams, -3.00 pts — on the wire

As bad as Dallas was, the Rams somehow scored even lower. They surrendered three fewer points than the Cowboys (only 41!) but Dallas managed a turnover and a blocked kick, almost clawing back into positive territory. The Rams simply rolled over and died.

Sandwiched between those two in the biggest losers list is the Cardinals backup QB. Yes, his team won by 31, but he managed -6 yds rushing and a fumble in his short relief appearance. Kyler Murray, their starter, had a perfect passer rating. So, you could say the day turned out differently for each of them.


** At halftime of that Saints/Cowboys contest, New Orleans radio commentator Deuce McCallister previewed the second half by saying that his Saints “need to pin these guys back in terms of the return game. TheCowboys have had pretty good field position so far.”

The Cowboys, of course, had pretty good field position because they were consistently getting the ball at the 30-yard line … after the Saints kicked off the ball five times following touchdown drives in the first half. It’s hard to pin a team back on punts when you don’t punt the ball at all.

** I’m a big fan of NFL Red Zone host Scott Hanson, a man whose job it is to narrate 10 different football games at the same time without sounding like a fool. So I offer this misstep not as a criticism, but more as a sign that maybe this dude needs a mandated water break every 200 minutes or so.

At the tail end of the Bucs/Lions game, with Tampa facing a third-and-six inside their own half of the field, the Bucs tried a surprise pass to try and get the first down. Hanson was shocked. “I guess the Bucs were trying to catch the Lions with their heads asleep!” he exclaimed.
I’m guessing he wanted to say “catch them napping” or “catch them with their heads down” but honestly catching someone with just their heads asleep and the rest of their bodies moving around would be a lot more dangerous.

** At the final two-minute warning of the Monday night game, ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt previewed the post-game show where “we’ll be talking about the highlights of this game, which looks like it’ll be won by the home team.” 

Apparently the Eagles coaches took that as a direct challenge.

The Packers’ 16-10 win over the Colts on Sunday made that franchise the first in NFL history to reach 800 victories. That milestone came in their 1,437th game, a win percentage of 55.7 percent. Given that pace, and the likelihood that the NFL will shift to an 18-game schedule in coming years, that means Green Bay should become the first team to hit the 1,000-wins mark in week 3 of the 2044 season. And, thanks to advanced analytics, we also know exactly what that game will look like:

** The Packers will win 23-22 over the Las Vegas Texans, one of five NFL franchises now housed in Sin City. They had a chance to hit the wins mark one week earlier, against the London Jaguars, but lost on a late-field goal.

** The winning QB will be second-year pro Birch Manning, who is the son of Arch Manning, who is the nephew of Peyton Manning, who is the son of Archie Manning. The losing QB will be Aaron Rodgers, now on his 12th team.

** The game-winning play will come on a three-point conversion with four minutes left in the fourth quarter. The three-point play — which by rule involves spotting the ball at the 10-yard line and allowing an extra defender on the field — was initially unsuccessful, but the Packers got it on their second try after a bogus pass interference play kept their hopes alive.

** Not many people will get to see the game, since it was only available on TV through the paid subscription service NBC Law&Order Plus, and because the game was played at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday (part of the NFL’s new “watch at work” lineup).

** ESPN will dedicate four minutes of that evening’s SportsCenter to the milestone, then follow it up with two minutes of WNBA highlights and 54 minutes of Steven A. Smith arguing with co-hosts over how Tom Brady could have been the best soccer player ever.

There are a lot of questions for the Arlington Cowpokes after their embarrassing loss to the Saints, but one of the most pressing problems is at TE. Their regular starter was hurt last week and a backup was also thrown on the injured list, forcing them to call up first-year TE Princeton Fant from the practice squad. And he is not the kind of guy you want hanging around the team for long. Why? It’s clearly spelled out in his name:

Dallas Cowboys rookie tight end Princeton Fant
** A bloodied wreck. Not a phony scent, I farting lots.

Maybe the smell of defeat wasn’t the only stench hanging around Cowboys Stadium this week.

** Through two weeks of the season, five teams have failed to score a TD in their games. And those teams are somehow 2-3 in those contests, with the Maryland Commies and Pittsburgh Steelers both already recording victories on the backs of field goals alone.
I’m not really sure what to make of that, but it feels really weird.

** I dropped two games to Dad on Sunday in our weekly picks showdown, giving him a two-game lead for the season thus far. After a stellar first week, it’s best we not talk about what our records were in week 2.

** The Panthers announced Monday they will bench former first overall pick Bryce Young and start veteran Andy Dalton as their QB next week, and I would have bet you any amount of money you wanted that Andy Dalton retired before covid hit.

** Cowboys lost, Eagles lost, 49ers lost, Lions lost, so the presumed NFC powerhouses are all looking great right now.


Week 2 standings

1 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 250.68 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 247.29 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 246.71 pts
4 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 244.20 pts
5 — Jabronis (Ant), 240.88 pts
6 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 228.10 pts
7 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 225.54 pts
8 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 219.01 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 217.41 pts
10 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 210.18 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 165.91 pts
12 — Let’s Go Union! (Paul), 158.50 pts

Lots of turmoil in the standings this week. Kamara helped Bob’s squad rush to the top of the standings, while Jeff — who didn’t have access to his team until this week — snuck up to the silver medal slot despite losing two starters to long-term injuries (Isaiah Pacheco and Cooper Kupp). Ant’s big week doesn’t count, since he used Dak Prescott to get there. Our top five teams are all within 10 pts of first place.

It took only two weeks, but we’ve already arrived at the first “Paul may be tuned out for the year” moment of the fantasy season. Not only did he start Packers QB Jordan Love — who was injured nine days in advance of Sunday’s contest — but he also started Love’s #2 WR, Christian Watson, who had no one of note to throw to him. That gave him two zeros in his lineup, yet he somehow still beat Dad by 15 pts.

Next week’s lineup includes a Thursday game, two Monday night games and … gasp … an actual Eagles football game on early Sunday afternoon! It has been 261 days since one of those! Try and enjoy it, you don’t get too many of those this season. Maybe the sunshine will inspire them not to throw the game. 

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 1 recap

Traveling overseas for a football game is never easy, but the Eagles had several positive takeaways from their trip to Sao Paulo beyond the big opening week victory. Here are the biggest highlights:

** Saquon Barkley became the leader in career TDs in the southern hemisphere: He had three, the previous high was zero. Somewhat related, there have never been any punt returns in a game south of the equator.

** The Eagles got some early cold weather prep: It’s currently winter in Brazil, so this game was really a great indication of how the birds will fare when the temperature in Philly drops this December. Sure, the gametime thermometer read 63 degrees, but the field was apparently coated in ice, causing players to slip all over.

** Jalen Hurts felt an emotional connection to Brazil’s NFL fans: The franchise QB was so moved by the team’s reception by the country that started giving out gifts right away during Friday’s game. Unfortunately, the Packers took them.

** Several players learned important phrases in Portuguese: For example, the way you spell Eagles in the native Brazil tongue is “E-A-G-L-E-S.” Try that one on at the next home game for some multicultural flair.

** No one died: No casualties for the Eagles on the field (where the turf sucked) or off the field (where the crime level sucks). And that’s exactly the kind of positive headline the NFL likes after these high-profile games. Too bad the Packers couldn’t say the same…

QB: Baker Mayfield, 37.66 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Jayden Reed, 26.50 pts — started by Dad
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.43 pts — started by me
TE: Isaiah Likely, 17.90 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Jake Moody, 26.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.50 pts — on the wire

There may have been a tie for the top points among kickers. Who cares? They’re kickers.

Shout out to Mayfield, Van Ginkel and the Minnesota defense — the only top players who actually played on Sunday, the day the good Lord intended for football to take place. Likely played on Thursday, Barkley and Reed on Friday, and Moody on Monday. Maybe next week we can get our best football on Tuesday night.

“Opening night jitters” edition

3rd place: (Tie) Cedrick Wilson Jr., -2.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (Tie) Dee Williams, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Carolina, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Maryland Commanders, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Panthers on Sunday trailed for 57 minutes, gave up 47 pts, and didn’t force a punt until the final 2:22 of their game against the Saints. And they were still a better fantasy performer than the Commies.

The lesser Maryland franchise gave up four passing touchdowns to likely Hall of Fame QB (checks notes) Baker Mayfield, who had thrown more than two TDs in two of his previous 49 starts. The Commies have given up at least 27 points in their last nine games, and more than 30 in six of those. So, naturally, four of their first six picks in the spring draft were on offense. Good luck with that.

** In case you missed it, Friday’s Peacock cash grab … I mean, football broadcast .. was sponsored by YouTube TV. That’s sorta like the Giants buying ad space on the Commanders uniforms. “We know you’re watching this channel now, but wouldn’t you rather not be?”

The next logical step here is for Amazon to start advertising during YouTube TV ads. Maybe they can boast about the HBO movies that they now have the rights to…

** The Commanders — who have had more names (three) than winning seasons (two) in the last decade — have renamed their home stadium after former sponsor FedEx backed out of its contract with the team. After striking an eight-year deal with Northwest Federal Credit Union, the Commies are now playing in Northwest Stadium.

Northwest Stadium is still located in the northeast corridor of the United States and the south-central region of Maryland. And Northwest Federal Stadium would have made it clear that the name was a business and not a location. But why start making good decisions now?

** In the third quarter of the Cardinals/Bills game, after a pair of strong runs gained the Cardinals back-to-back first downs, Arizona radio analyst Ron Wolfey — a former college running back — cheered on the offensive game plan:

“That’s what I want to see,” he yelled. “Bring out the flat shovel and start swinging it!”

I’m lost here. Was he calling the running backs shovels? Was he implying their faces belong in the dirt? Why not throw a punch instead of swinging a shovel? And wouldn’t a pointy shovel be better, because it’s stabby?

 
Sadly, the next play was a forward pass — and not a forward shovel pass — and the Cardinals only managed a TD on the drive. Maybe next time they’ll open up the playbook and use the garden weasel.

** Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa is on pace for 5,746 passing yds this season (338 in Sunday’s win over the Jaguars). That would break the single-season mark of 5,477, set by Peyton Manning in 2013.

** Ravens QB Lamar Jackson is on pace for 2,074 rushing yds this season (122 in Thursday’s loss to the Chiefs). That would only be good enough for third all-time among rushers, but would far outdistance the current record for yards on the ground by a passer (1,206, set by Jackson in 2019).

** Bills DE Greg Rousseau is on pace for 51 sacks this season (3 in Sunday’s win against the Cardinals). That would obliterate the current record of 22.5, held legitimately by T.J Watt and illegitimately by Michael Strahan.

** The Denver Broncos’ defense is on pace to record 34 safeties this season (two in Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks). The record for a team in a single year is four, so they’re on pace to absolutely shatter the previous mark. With 68 points from those safeties, they’d also beat the record of points scored by a defense in a season (currently 54, set by the 1961 Chargers).

** The New Jersey Giants are on pace not to score a TD this season (just two field goals on Sunday’s loss to the Vikings) and on pace to total just 102 points for the whole year (six total points on Sunday). That would beat the previous team low in NFL history … just barely. The 1977 Tampa Bay Bucs totaled only 103 points that year, albeit in 14 games.

** ESPN commentator Joe Buck is on pace to announce 17 games this season (he announced Monday night’s 49ers/Jets game), despite all evidence that a civilized society would not allow that to happen.

One of the most impressive features of the Cowboys operations is their ability to consistently bring in the same quality of players year after year. And by quality, I mean low quality.

Take, for example, Dallas rookie tight end Marist Liufau. The third-round draft pick out of Notre Dame was viewed by scouts as a quality player with good instincts and solid character. The Cowboys selected him because that analysis is completely untrue. Just look at all the things the letters in his name clearly spell out:

Cowboys LB Marist Liufau
** A biblical wuss, fury moot
** A bombastic soul, wily fur
** A fussy bimbo, will arc out
** A slow bum, obscurity fail
** A foul blob, racy swimsuit

Of all his terrible traits, wearing a racy swimsuit may be the worst.

** Uneventful start to the year for the weekly picks with Dad. We both started 13-3, tied for the week, but one of the three I missed was the Panthers getting absolutely wrecked by the Saints (47-10). Carolina has lost 17 of its last 20 games, so why I picked them to win anything is a mystery.

** Shoutout to Dr. Bob, who helped Fort Awesome find a way to watch the Eagles game on Friday night. Unrelated, does anyone know a good lawyer who will handle stolen digital property cases?

** The 49ers inducted RB Frank Gore into their team Hall of Fame at halftime of Monday night’s game, which was an odd choice, seeing as how Frank Gore will never retire and is simply waiting to sign on for another season. In his second pro game, Gore was tackled by Eagles S Brian Dawkins during a 2005 contest. In his last game (for now), Gore snuck by Rams DT Aaron Donald for a TD in 2020. I expect to see him signed again by week 4.


Week 1 standings

1 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 150.34 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 137.30 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 129.81 pts
4 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 128.43 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 124.56 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 120.32 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 113.48 pts
8 — Jabronis (Ant), 106.92 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 102.70 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 97.85 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 68.22 pts
12 — Let’s Go Union! (Paul), 68.06 pts

Solid work all around this week — Six teams topped 120 pts, nine teams topped 100 pts, and a tenth just missed the century mark because of RB Christian McCaffery’s last-minute scratch on Monday night.

Leading the pack (thanks mostly to Packer Jayden Reed) after week one is Dad, followed in order by all the coaches stationed at Fort Awesome. Tough start for Sam and Paul, who didn’t manage to crack 70 pts, but it’s a long season. Even longer if you’ve got Jordan Love’s busted ankle leading your team …

Thursday’s game is the Bills vs. the Dolphins, and the Eagles don’t play until Monday night. Get your rosters set early and try to pay attention for the whole week’s slate, even if the good stuff is all the way at the end.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- pre-season rankings

Our rosters for the 2024 season are set, and congrats to our next Awesome Cup champion, who has already secured the title through savvy drafting and planned wise waiver wire strategy. I’ve already figured out where everyone will finish for the season, but for the sake of fairness, we can play the season out anyway.

However, if you just can’t avoid spoilers, here’s how the fight for the trophy will play out:

Jabronis (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 1879.24 pts, 6th place

My ranking: 1657.07 pts, 12th place

Another year, another time Ant forgot to exclude the Cowboys players from his team. So he heads into the season with QB Dak Prescott and the Dallas defense leading his squad, which might be enough for him to forfeit before this even starts. Ant’s WRs are solid (Tyreek Hill, Drake London, Nico Collins, the remains of Stefon Diggs) but he forgot to draft any RBs besides James Cook (and he’s got Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott on the bench for more “support.”) The good news is that Ant has a history of killing fantasy players, so maybe his misfortune will mean a Dallas season to remember for the rest of us.

The Fightin Pickles (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 1802.68 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
Like Ant, Sam’s team is devoid of anyone to carry the ball. He’s only got three on his whole roster, and one (RB Ty Chandler) is a backup in Minnesota. You’d think that means he has a killer passing game, but you’d be more wrong than Cris Collinsworth trying to break down an end-around play. WR Justin Jefferson should be solid, and the combination of QB Kyler Murray and rookie WR Marvin Harrison Jr. could surprise. But contract holdout WR Brandon Aiyuk? Average wideouts Michael Pittman Jr., Tyler Lockett, Jakobi Meyers backing them up? There’s a lot of meh here.

Beer ‘n Chips (Pop)
Yahoo ranking: 1961.49 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
Yahoo loves it when teams draft a QB in the first round. Loves it, loves it, loves it. Loves it like Jerry Jones loves kicking puppies. The problem is, it’s an OK strategy at the end of the first round, but a terrible strategy when you have an early pick. With the number two pick in the draft Dad grabbed the likely fantasy leader at QB this season, Josh Allen … who would have absolutely been available to him in the third round. No one else picked up a passer in the first 28 picks. As a result, he passed on all 10 of the top ranked RBs and all 11 of the top ranked WRs. In the end, his roster has decent RB depth (Josh Jacobs, Rachaad White and Kenneth Walker) but nothing in terms of WRs (his top pass catcher was WR Jayden Reed, the 35th wideout off the board). It’s a good thing Allen has people to pass to in real life, because there’s no wide receiving corps here.

Let’s Go Union! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 1817.21 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
Hey, I found a trade partner for Dad. Paul’s team used to be named “I heart WRs” and this team shows that sentiment still lives on. Beyond evil Dallas WR CeeDee Lamb, Paul’s squad boasts Davante Adams, Chris Olave, Amari Cooper and Christian Watson as pass catching threats. RBs? Not so much. Reliable bulldozing RB Najee Harris is OK, but there are only two other backs here, and neither are starters. And putting QBs Jordan Love and Aaron Rodgers on the same roster seems dangerous, given the animosity between the two. Paul is gonna have to be a patient coach with this group.

Kodos for President (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1842.91 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
This has the makings of a good fantasy team. WRs AJ Brown, Jalen Waddle, and Rashee Rice could all eat up yards this season, and Detroit RB Jahmyr Gibbs might be the breakout back of the season. QB Jayden Daniels seems poised to win offensive rookie of the year. And TE Sam LaPorta is already a points champion at a dead position. So why such a low ranking here? Simple: There’s a major coaching problem. Jo hates the Commanders, and has to rely on three of them — Daniels, RB Brian Robinson Jr. and RB Austin Ekeler — to produce for her to win. Jo absolutely will not be able to encourage any of them, or possibly even watch them play. She also will probably want to cut Rice once she finds out about his offseason antics. So much of fantasy football success comes down to solid, encouraging coach work, and I expect a lot of Bill Cower glowers during these team meetings.

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 1935.26 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
Yahoo see’s Joel’s team as an worst-to-almost-first story, mostly because he nabbed RB Christian McCaffery with the top overall pick. And his supporting cast is solid too: QB Anthony Richardson, WR Mike Evans, TE Trey McBride and RB Travis Etienne Jr. as a second rusher. But can Joel pull it all together? He has done it before, but that was way back in 2016, the weirdest year ever. Back he was starting RBs David Johnson and DeMarco Murray, the Cubs and Cavaliers were World Champions, and Donald Trump won the presidency. Now Chicago and Cleveland are far from playoff glory, Johnson and Murray are long gone from the field, and Trump … eh, you know what? Let’s just move on.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 1869.61 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
This is a high-risk, high-reward squad. QB Patrick Mahomes is no concern, but RBs Bijan Robinson and De'Von Achane could either lead the league in yards from scrimmage or both bomb out in the first few weeks. The biggest problem with Bob’s team is his wideouts. His best pass catcher is TE Dallas Goedert, and he’s wildly overrated (and possibly dead in Brazil, according to the latest injury report). WR Tank Dell is the #3 option on his own team, wideouts Christian Kirk and Chris Godwin are both coming off being dead last season. The doctor’s roster does include RB Chuba Hubbard, one of the most fun names to say in the NFL, but we’re not here for fun. We’re here for winning.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1844.28 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
I feel like Jeff — and almost every team in our league — is one more good receiver away from a great team. WR Cooper Kupp should have a solid bounceback season. But can WRs Malik Nabers, Terry McLaurin and Diontae Johnson combine into some sort of Voltron second fantasy option for this team? How would that even work? Well, first you’d take McLaurin’s head and fold his torso into the younger Nabers’ legs, while you … anyways, RBs Breece Hall and Isiah Pacheco are probably going to be two of your top three fantasy backs on the season, so as long as QB Joe Burrow shows some signs of life, this group should succeed.

Still the Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 1908.33 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Is he still the best? Our 2023 Awesome Cup champion has a great starting lineup — QB Lamar Jackson, WRs Amon-Ra St. Brown and Puka Nacua, TE Travis Kelce — but is thin at RB (James Conner and D'Andre Swift, then some folks far down the depth chart). Last year he relied on McCaffrey and Etienne to carry him through the down weeks. This year, he’s gonna have to hope for a lot of TD passes from Jackson to WR Zay Flowers to collect double points and propel him up the standings. We haven't had a defending champion since 2015, and this campaign is gonna be a tough one for our youngest coach, since everyone is gunning for him.

Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.43 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
This is how you pull off the early QB draft pick. I snagged a top five RB (Saquon Barkley) and a top five WR (Garrett Wilson) before drafting a top three QB (Jalen Hurts) for my well-balanced squad. Throw in three more starting RBs (Aaron Jones, Tony Pollard and Gus Edwards) and the sleeper pick for TE of the year (Dalton Kincaid) and I’ve got the makings of a championship-level group. Do I have too many Eagles (three)? Yes. Do I have too many rookies (three)? Yes. Do I have Kirk Cousins on my bench, playing for his third team? Yes. Is that a lot of threes? No, it seems like the right amount for the third-place team.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 1847.14 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Mom D missed repeating as champion last year by a slim margin, but is back again in 2024 with another sturdy roster to try and reclaim glory. She’s got two great RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Derrick Henry) paired with two great WRs (DJ Moore and DK Metcalf) paired with an underrated TE (Evan Engram) and the underrated leg of K Jake Elliot. Her team’s only weakness? QB Brock Purdy is fine but massively overrated, and backup QB Deshaun Watson is actually worth negative points. Still, with a few tweaks, don’t be surprised if she’s back near the top again. Just not all the way at the top, because that spot is reserved for …

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.70 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Mike has won the league since 2020 (or even paid attention to his roster in the last three years) but this year’s squad could change all of that recent disappointment. WR Ja’Marr Chase should be great (if he plays … just give him a new contract already, Mike) and WR Deebo Samuel has been a league winner for several years now. RBs Kyren Williams, Joe Mixon and Raheem Mostert are an underappreciated trio, and TE Kyle Pitts may finally reach his potential in a new Falcons offense. Former Buckeye QB CJ Stroud is a stud, and might pass for 7,000 yards this year (which, in fairness, would hurt Mixon’s rushing yards). Like Bob’s team, this all could flame out quickly or turn into an unstoppable force. But unlike Bob, Mike has the championship credentials to inspire his team to greatness, and return to the Awesome Cup summit again.

There you have it, folks. The season is already over, but get those rosters set before Thursday’s game … and Friday’s game, and maybe Saturday morning’s game? I have no idea anymore. It’s all NFL all the time, whether you want it or not. Let’s go.

Oh, in case you forgot, here's what you're all playing for: