Fantasy league 2021 -- week 16 recap

What Christmas songs NFL teams were playing in the locker room this weekend:

Carolina Panthers: Silent Night
Only six points scored on Sunday, and only two games with more than 21 pts since Oct. 24.

 
Maryland Nameless Team: Deck the Halls
Defensive linemen Jonathan Allen and Daron Payne threw punches at each other on the sideline of Sunday’s blowout loss to the Cowboys.

Chicago Bears: Little St. Nick
Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles led a game-winning 4th-quarter TD drive to win the game, adding to his Christmastime lore.

Dallas Cowboys: Let it Snow
The team celebrated clinching the NFC East title with their standard cocaine binge.

St. Louis Rams: Do You Hear What I Hear
Very quietly, the Rams are positioning themselves for a high seed in the playoffs.

Philadelphia Eagles: The Jolly Fat Man
OT Lane Johnson got a TD grab and all the elves celebrated.

Houston Texans: Dahoo Dores
The 4-11 Texans have losses to the Jets and Panthers but wins over the Titans and Chargers. Much like the Whos singing, none of this makes sense.

QB: Joe Burrow, 46.10 pts — on Mom D’s bench
WR: Tee Higgins, 30.93 pts — started by Jo
RB: Damien Harris, 28.30 pts — started by Paul
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.33 pts — started by Dad
K: Ryan Succop, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 28.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Alex Singleton, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Paul with a top performer. An Eagles linebacker as the top defensive player on the week. And a Cincinnati QB who threw for 525 yds. I’ll be honest, I won’t be surprised if the four horsemen pay us all a visit this week.

We were also so, so close to having a Texans player as the top RB on the week, impressive considering they’re the worst rushing offense in the entire league. But, alas, Rex Burkhead’s 149 ground yds, two TDs and 27.9 fantasy pts were not enough to get him onto the list. So forget him and the fact that the Texans have gotten two mentions in this column already.

“Christmas” edition

2nd place: (tie) Le'Veon “Jingle” Bell, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jake “Holiday” Funk, -0.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Equanimeous St. “Nick” Brown, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Oh, the St. Brown boys. I just can’t stop putting you in this recap.

Bell, who in 2017 had more than 1,900 yds of offense with the Steelers, has played for four different teams in the last 16 months and totaled fewer than 550 total yds. He had two rushes for -1 yds on Sunday, playing for a Tampa Bay team desperate for any capable bodies to throw in at RB. Looks like he may not be there for long.

Honorable mention to Giants QB Jake “State Farm” Fromm, who played nearly three quarters against the Eagles on Sunday and totaled 0.20 fantasy pts in his time. That’s only 230.5 times fewer points than Burrow, the top QB on the week. Maybe next time, kid.

 

** ESPN had a feature last Friday night dubbed “2021 Images of the Year.”

It was three minutes of video clips with occasional paused images to make it seem like they were still pictures instead of moving pictures.

I’m looking forward to the network’s “2021 in words” feature that includes nothing but grunts and instrumental music.

** Alabama LB Will Anderson this week was asked about his feelings ahead of this week’s big college football playoff game against Cincinnati. His response:

"I feel like we're the underdog in this game," he said. "All year we've been disrespected."

To be clear, that’s a player on the Alabama Crimson Tide, the #1 team in the country, who are 13.5-point favorites in this game against the non-Power-Five Bearcats — who have not been ranked higher than Alabama at any point despite having an undefeated record — saying he feels like his team has been disrespected and an underdog in this game.

Sure. That all makes sense.

** Headline after the Steelers’s game on Sunday: “Frustrated Pittsburgh not ready to throw in the towel after loss”

Of course they aren’t. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t been able to top 160 yds passing the last two weeks. They can’t throw anything.

In light of multiple college teams struggling during the pandemic outbreak, the NCAA has accepted new sponsors for the remaining college football games. Here are the notable changes:

** The Pfizer Vaccine Bowl: Maryland vs VA Tech. The winning team will get a free booster shot, regardless of the date of their last inoculation.

** The Sigma Bowl: Oregon vs Oklahoma. Omicron may be the covid variant we’re all worried about today, but the next set of mutations is trying to announce their presence with a big-dollar bowl spend.

** The Las Vegas Bowl: Wisconsin vs Arizona State. This sponsor hasn’t changed, but the tag line of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” has been changed to “nothing can be contained anywhere.”

** The Pfizer Pristiq Bowl: Wake Forest vs Rutgers. The pharmaceutical company would like to remind you that along with the covid vaccine, they also produce anti-depression medication.

** The Back Out Bowl: Penn State vs Arkansas. This was the Outback Bowl, but with everyone backing out of everything, well, you get it.

** The BCS National Championship game: Canceled. Considering how bad everything is right now, nobody wanted to see Alabama win another title.

** Important note!! Thanks to G, whose eagle eyes (not Philadelphia, the other ones, the good kind) spotted an error in this week's anagram. Luckily, the evil of the Cowboys still leaks through, and it required only a minor fix. It is correct now. 

 

In the spirit of the holiday, I decided to take a break this week from ridiculing the evil festering inside the Cowboys organization and instead try to find the goodness of the season creeping inside. And what better candidate than Sean McKeon, a second-year tight end who is still new to the organization and starting to come into his own. Can the joy and festiveness of this time of year melt the cold, bitterness that lurks down in Dallas:

Cowboys/Michigan reserve tight end Sean McKeon
** Everyone knows Christmas be matching genocide

Dear gawd, man. It’s the holidays. Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men and stuff. Do these guys have no shame?

** Dad went 2-1 against me in the picks this week, so with two weeks left in the season, I hold a slim two-point lead over him. Should be a dramatic finish, and I’m just hoping that the entire season doesn’t hinge on a Lions upset or something else unsightly.

** Eagles can clinch a playoff spot next Sunday, and dear gawd, now I’m definitely looking for the four horsemen.

** Just when I was starting to like Carson Wentz again … at least he went into protocols after taking 75 percent of the Colt’s snaps this season. Who knew that of the Eagles’, Dolphins’ and Colts’ first-round picks, Indy’s might be the most valuable?


Week 16 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 2111.27 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 2081.92 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1916.01 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1889.44 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1826.42 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1815.97 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1799.08 pts
8 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1791.27 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1742.50 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1714.17 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1699.11 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1173.97 pts

Jonathan’s impressive 160.79 pts week was muted by Joanna’s slightly-less-impressive 150.56 pts week, putting more distance between the two of them and the rest of us mere mortals. Two weeks of football left and less than 30 pts between them … the excitement is unbearable.

Dad’s quest to overtake 10th place took a hit this week, as did my efforts to post a respectable finish. Bob is starting to pull away with third place, Jeff is trying to lock down fifth, and Paul remains dead.

Congrats, you made it through another year of Thursday night football punishment. Last week was the final off-day NFL game of the season. This week, it’s 15 games on Sunday and one on Monday, the way God intended. Get your rosters set early anyway, so you can finish the season strong.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 15 recap

Things I wrote about the Eagles game on Monday night because the game was supposed to be played on Sunday but instead got moved to Tuesday and I have tight deadlines for this column so I couldn’t wait around until after the game for my analysis:

— Wow. (Key win/brutal loss) by the Eagles there. Absolutely (required/unforgivable) against a team without it’s starting QB, top receiver or a franchise name.
— That 4th and (fill in the blank here) call was terrible. Not sure how Siranni keeps his job after that.
— I’m surprised we even saw that much of JJ Arcega-Whiteside.
— The refs were just awful.
— I can’t believe they gave up that 3rd and (fill in the blank here). Not sure how Siranni keeps his job after that.
— No one talks about how smart Mark Sanchez is as an announcer … for a reason.
— That (ends/renews) all the talk about Garner Minshew, doesn’t it?
— The most ridiculous thing about that (win/loss) is that both of these teams are still somehow in the playoff hunt.

QB: Tyler Huntley, 39.90 pts — on the wire
WR: Brandin Cooks, 22.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: Duke Johnson, 24.53 pts — on the wire
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.73 pts — started by Jo
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Orleans, 23.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: D.J. Wonnum, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Ah, yes, exactly the lineup we expected to see up there.

I would have bet you any amount of money that Kelce is the top TE on the season so far, but nope. It’s Mark Andrews, who has 8.5 more points than Kelce on the season. Of course, one-third of his 167.8 pts came in two games this season, so maybe Andrews hasn’t been Mr. Reliable.

Huntley, the Ravens’ backup QB, had a better fantasy day that Lamar Jackson’s last three starts combined (and all but one of his nine other starts), so I assume there is a QB controversy in Baltimore now. Duke Johnson had 1.8 fantasy pts on the season coming into Sunday’s game, so it make sense that he’d rush for 107 yds and two TDs. D.J. Wonnum may have been a name I made up banging my head against the keyboard watching the Eagles, I can’t remember.

“Starting QBs” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, 4.92 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: Tom Brady, 4.76 pts — started by Joel
1st place: Mike Glennon, -2.04 pts — on the wire

I could talk about how Glennon, the Giants starting QB, had a worse passer rating than you on Sunday (24.8 for him, 39.6 for you throwing one incompletion into the ground) or about how hard it is to finish in negative fantasy pts in a pass-first league, or about how Glennon has won exactly one start in the last seven years, but none of that is the reason we are here.

We’re here to talk about Tom Brady.

Brady on Sunday was shut out for the first time since 2006, breaking the second-longest scoring streak by a QB in NFL history (the longest belongs to Drew Brees, whose Saints shut out Brady this week). He was bested by NFL notables like Nick Mullens (the third-string QB for Cleveland), Davis Mills (the starter by default in Houston) and Cam Newton (who scored five times more fantasy points than Brady and still lost by 17 pts).

It was a terrible fantasy weekend for a lot of folks, but at least we had this one moment of Brady incompetence to enjoy.

 

** ESPN had this trivia question along the crawler of their pregame show:
Q: Which four QBs have had 300 yds passing and 100 yds rushing?
A: Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Russell Wilson, Cam Newton
I mistakenly assumed they meant this season, so I was surprised to see any names beyond Allen (who accomplished the feat in week 14). Wilson and Newton haven’t come close this season. But, in fact, those two are the only ones besides Allen to have ever done it in an NFL game — Wilson in 2014, Newton in 2015.
Jackson? Still has never done it, so ESPN is still wrong. So my assumption that ESPN had screwed up even a simple trivia question was right, just for the wrong reasons.

** Columnist Chuck Culpepper is usually great, but when he misses, he misses by a mile. This is from his column on Tiger Woods playing in a pro-am this weekend alongside his son:
“Woods’s 12-year-old son, Charlie, born so recently that it was just a week after Santonio Holmes’s otherworldly catch in Super Bowl XLIII, also veered Sunday.”
Is that a pivotal moment that we all use as a touchstone in our lives? I remember the play, it was a thrilling Super Bowl, but if you told me it happened 30 years ago or three years ago, I wouldn’t correct you.
You already told me the kid is 12. Saying that he shares his birthday with the 2010 Pro Bowl game helps none of us understand that time frame any better.

** Monday Night Football sideshow clown Chris Berman dropped this wisdom during his “Fastest Three Minutes” recap of Sunday’s NFL games this week:
“The Steelers haven’t been below .500 in a long time. But if they lost on Sunday they’d be … below .500.”
First, thanks for the calculator help there, Chris. I wasn’t sure if a 6-6-1 team that loses now has more wins than losses.
But, more importantly, “a long time” apparently means “two months” because the Steelers were 2-3 in early October before a four-game winning streak. They were never below .500 last year, but started off 2019 0-3 which, I believe, may also be below .500. But I’m not a professional talking head who has covered the NFL since the 1800s, so I can’t be sure about that math.
 

NFL coaches hate kickers. Need proof? Just look at what happened this weekend:

** The Falcons, big underdogs on Sunday, recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and quickly got the ball down to the one-yard line. They were stopped three times by the 49ers defense, and faced a fourth-and-goal. Rather than take an early lead, coach Arthur Smith opted to try for seven … and missed. The team faced fourth-and-short inside the 10-yard line two more times in the second half, and since they were down 18 points, they went for touchdowns both of those times too (and failed). Nine more points would have made that an easier nine-point deficit, instead of a three-score game.

** The Cardinals, down 10-0 near the end of the first half, had the ball inside the three-yard line on third down but threw an incomplete pass. Rather than kick a FG and get on the board, coach Kliff Kingsbury opted to go for the touchdown. Another incomplete pass turned the ball over to the Lions, who scored on the ensuing possession to make the lead 17-0 instead of 10-3.

** The Chiefs, down 13-14 in the third quarter, faced a 4th and goal from the two-yard line. Instead of kicking an easy field goal TO TAKE THE LEAD, coach Andy Reid opted for another end zone chance … and failed to convert. The game ended up in overtime, but it wouldn’t have if Reid just took the points in that spot.

** Not to be outdone IN THAT SAME GAME against the Chiefs, but the Chargers had 4th and goal three times in the first half. Coach Brandon Staley opted every time to gamble for the touchdown instead of taking the FG. His team missed all three times. They also went for it on fourth and short inside the 20-yard-line in the third quarter, converted, then fumbled the ball three plays later. That’s 12 points they left on the sidelines in a game that ended up in overtime (where they lost without ever touching the ball.)

** The Ravens, playing without starting QB Lamar Jackson, went 70 yards on their opening drive and faced a second-and-goal from the three-yard line. After two incomplete passes, coach John Harbaugh ignored the FG attempt … and watched his team give up a sack instead of taking a three-point lead. The Ravens also scored a TD with 1:42 left in the game to pull within one point of the Packers, but opted to go for two instead of a tie. It’s the second time in three weeks they’ve tried to win a game that way, and the second loss that strategy has produced. But they wouldn’t have needed those points if they took the FG earlier.

For those keeping score at home, that’s nine failed fourth down tries inside the 10-yard line this weekend alone. 27 potential points gambled away with nothing to show for them. The only conclusion is that all NFL kickers have incriminating pictures of their coaches and the resentment is spilling over onto the field of play.


The Cowboys had three third-round draft picks this year — they used all three on defensive players, including the middle one on DE Chauncey Golston. So far his play has been mediocre, with just 12 tackles on the season. But the coaching staff loves his potential, and in fact drafted him based largely on what they saw hidden in the letters of his name:

Dallas rookie defensive lineman Chauncey Golston
** A moronic one. Evil def seen. Likely a shotgun scandal.

Feels like maybe the best way to avoid a shotgun scandal with him would be to keep him away from shotguns, but then again, he is a moron.

** Clerical error last week had me down one to Dad when, in fact, I was up one on him in our season-long picks contest. And, after two more wins this week, I’m not up by a FG (a real FG, like a 43-yarder, not one of these cheap 31-yard ones). Special thanks to the Texans for dismantling the Jaguars again, and this is the last time I’ll think about either of those teams for the rest of the season.

** Per Wikipedia, Dennis O. "D. J." Wonnum Jr (born Oct. 31, 1997) is an American football defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings who played college football at South Carolina.

** There have been 10 NFL games played on a Tuesday night in the league’s 102-year history. The Eagles have been involved in three, tied for the most of any team. The Boston Yanks are the other team, and, no, I did not get that name wrong.

** I know I was just messing around with a bit up there, but the refs really were awful in that Eagles game. Easiest bet you can make.

 

Week 15 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,960.71 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,921.13 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,796.95 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,795.69 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,715.89 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1,703.34 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,699.09 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,683.12 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,639.04 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,610.24 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1,601.79 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1,064.59 pts

Actual standings may be a bit off, I posted this with 1 minute left to go in the Eagles game. I don't have all night to wait, you know. 

Yet another big week for Joanna gives her a commanding lead over her son. The final three weeks of the season should be a solid race between the two of them, judging by the trash talk in this house. I just wish Joanna would stop spiking Jonathan’s lunch box in his face every Monday morning to assert her dominance.

After that it’s a long, long drop to the rest of the standings. Bob and Mom D are 120-plus points behind our top two, and Mike and I another almost 80 pts behind them. Paul’s team had six starters score zero pts this week, but he managed to limp over the 1,000 pts mark despite that. Dad is just a few points out of 10th, a remarkable accomplishment given the giant hole he was in.

Remember when there wasn’t football every night? No? Good! Because the Titans and 49ers take the field this Thursday in a surprisingly important game, and then the NFL is forcing two more games into your Christmas peace. They might have a few games on Sunday too, we’ll see.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 14 recap

Here’s a look at some of the worst ornaments currently for sale at NFL.com:

** Eagles Stained Glass Snowflake
This is a gray star with the Philadelphia logo in the middle. If you ever wanted to put an unholy mash-up of the Cowboys and Eagles symbol on your Christmas tree, here is your chance.

** Washington Mason Jar
This is a whole series of ornaments with a mason jar in team colors with the team name and logo in the middle. Except with the Maryland nameless squad, there is no name or logo. So it just looks like a case of jelly that says “Merry Washington Christmas” with no indication that any football was involved.

** 49ers Tiki Mascot
Go ahead, click on that link. Looking into that ornament’s eyes will steal your soul.

** Jason Witten Raiders Ornament
Jason Witten played 17 years in the NFL, all but one with the Cowboys. But do you want to celebrate the 13 catches he had with the Raiders? Then you’re in luck!

** Saints Snack Pack Set
Nothing says “Geaux Saints” like … silver and gold bobble-eyed peanuts staring down at you from the Christmas tree.

** Ravens “Future Fan” Ball
What is this? There is not a picture of a baby on here. Is this implying the Christmas tree is a future fan? Or that the tree will have a baby who is a fan?

** Rams Sled
The last time Los Angeles had any measurable snow was 2007, so nothing says a merry football Rams Christmas like a sled.

QB: Josh Allen, 39.22 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Dalvin Cook, 34.13 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 22.57 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 26.00 pts — started by me
D: Mike Hughes, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Pour one out for Dad, who had Cook on his bench (like most of the rest of the fantasy world) after early reports had him out several more weeks following a shoulder injury in November. Instead, he surprised by suiting up for the Thursday night game and rushing for a whopping 205 yds and two 2 TDs. That was as many yds and TDs as he had amassed in the previous four games, and was easily his best outing of the year.

Shoutout to the all waiver wire team of RB Rashaad Penny (2nd best RB on the week), WR Jakeem Grant (5th best WR on the week) and TE Albert Okwuegbunam (4th best TE on the week) who would have gotten you 56.19 pts in this league if you had started them instead of the terrible choices we all made.

“Bad defense” edition

3rd place: (tie) Las Vegas, -3.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Houston, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -5.00 pts — on the wire

You might think the worst fantasy defense of the week would be the one that gave up the most points, but you’d be wrong. The Raiders surrendered 48 to the Chiefs on Sunday but also managed three sacks, giving them only a negative field goal in the final fantasy standings, Meanwhile, Detroit gave up 38 points but only managed a single sack to keep them from the worst score possible for a defense in a given week.

Even with the worst record in football, the Lions aren’t quite the worst fantasy defense on the season so far. They’re averaging 2.5 fantasy pts a week, compared to 1.9 pts per week from the New Jersey Jets. (For comparison, the top defense, New England, earns you 12.2 pts per week). And yet, both of those squads are rostered in 1 percent of fantasy leagues. I’m dying to find the fantasy manager who has put together a solid playoff team and is starting the Jets each week, just because.


** NFL reporters were all over the trash talk between the Cowboys and Maryland nameless squad leading up to Sunday’s game. From AP — “Cowboys’ McCarthy makes bold prediction: Dallas Cowboys Coach Mike McCarthy told reporters that ‘I’m excited about what is in front of us. We’re going to win this game. I’m confident in that.’”

The response? “Defensive lineman Jonathan Allen said that, ‘The only guarantee in this world is death and taxes.’”

Boy, that’s … something, I guess? This is what counts as trash talk? Where’s teh “we’re the team to beat” statement? Where’s the “we’re gonna rip off their heads and drink from their skulls” comment? Where’s the “if we don’t win this I’m gonna walk home naked” promise?

The Cowboys won, so, great work backing up that courageous outburst, I guess.

** The Houston Texans waived LB Zach Cunningham last week for being late for and missing meetings. "We've got standards,” said Texans Coach David Culley. “I didn't feel like those standards had been met consistently.”

Those standards apparently don’t include winning games, or really dealing with a star QB who was accused of sexually assualting mutliple women. But, hey, every team has to have standards.

By the way, Cunningham was picked up by the first-place Titans after being cut by the last-place Texans, so I’m sure he learned his lesson.

How Eagles players and staff spent the bye week:

QB Jalen Hurts: Watched hours of Tim Tebow film so he could mirror his play even more to the legendary QB.

RB Miles Sanders: Spent more time practicing not getting the ball on obvious running plays.

RB Boston Scott: Somehow shrunk two more inches.

C Jason Kelce: Went down with a leg injury, same as every other Sunday.

QB Gardner Minshew: Applied mustache wax six times a day instead of his normal five-times routine.

Coach Nick Sirianni: Continued to ignore Miles Sanders as much as possible.

DE Ryan Kerrigan: Did not record any tackles, just like 11 of the previous 13 weeks.

WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: Continued to unfairly occupy a roster spot.

The Cowboys’ defense has been one of the reasons for their success this year, with their secondary becoming a major surprise. Second-year defensive back Trevon Diggs had only three interceptions last year but has nine through 13 games this season. Naturally, the Dallas coaching staff says they saw that talent all along, but in truth the reason they added him to the team last year was because his own name hinted he was their kind of player:

Dallas CB Trevon Diggs
** Gloved bastard clings

I’m not even sure the coaches saw the word “clings” in there when they read it the first time. They just saw “gloved bastard” and thought “yeah, he’s one of ours.”

** Dad took three of four games this week, so he’s up one in our picks for the season. Just four weeks of football left for me to turn this around or else I have to hear about it from him through the whole offseason.

** By my calculations, if Carson Wentz takes about 40 snaps in his game this weekend against the Patriots, the Eagles will get the Colts’ first round draft pick next year. So I guess that makes the game worth watching.

** At the end of the Monday night football game, with the Cardinals trailing by 10, I needed one 50-yard FG to get just enough points to have another team win the week and keep me alive for the fantasy playoffs. With about a minute left, K Matt Prater lined up, reared back and booted one just inside the right upright … from 49 yards. That’s 4 fantasy points, not 5, so I missed the playoffs by 0.5 pts instead of making it by a hair. That one stings.

Week 14 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1797.84 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1791.09 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1697.26 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1687.80 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1611.42 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1603.76 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1598.74 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1585.06 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1555.89 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1530.60 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1498.59 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1029.68 pts

Lots of drama atop the standings this week but no real change. Jonathan missed a golden opportunity to take the top spot away from Joanna, with her QB and three RBs all on a bye this week, but she managed to get just enough out of WR Cooper Kupp on Monday to stay in the lead. Mom D and Bob both made up some ground on the frontrunners, but remain 100 points out of the title fight for now.

Big weeks from Jeff and I pulled us both into the top rungs of the third tier, and another big week from Dad has him just on the edge of relevance. Paul remains dead.

Now that college football is entering bowl season, the NFL would like to remind you it doesn’t care when you want to watch football, it’ll just make it available whenever it’s least convenient. That means there’s not only a Thursday game this week but also a Saturday night special and a Saturday afternoon game and also still a Monday night game and maybe some games on Sunday but it’s not clear. Anyways, set your rosters early and often.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 13 recap

After Sunday’s win, Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni said that despite the team winning without him this week, QB Jalen Hurts will return to his starting role for the team when he’s healthy. That seems foolish when you look at the facts:

** Hurts threw three interceptions in his last start, while another QB on the roster hasn’t thrown any this year…

** Hurts is 5-7 on the year, while another QB on the roster hasn’t lost a game this year …

** Hurts has six fumbles on the season (only one lost), while another QB on the roster has zero fumbles this year …

** Hurts was a high-round draft pick who hasn’t lived up to potential, while another QB on the roster was forgotten prospect who has overachieved …

** Hurts has only ever played for one NFL franchise, while another QB on the roster has gained experience and insight from his time playing in Florida before Philly…

** Hurts has a full goatee, which is meh, while another QB on the roster has a rocking mustache that gets all the fans excited...

That’s why it’s obvious that Eagles backup QB Reid Sinnett is the best choice for this team going forward. The 24-year-old spent time on the Tampa and Miami practice squads, signed with the Eagles in late October and hasn’t appeared in a single game yet, but I’m confident he could be the next big thing for Philly if the coaching staff would open their eyes.

Or start Gardner Minshew. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter, the team is still total garbage and a win over the crippled remains of the New Jersey Jets franchise doesn’t change that.

QB: Tom Brady, 36.63 pts — started by Joel
WR: Justin Jefferson, 24.03 pts — started by Ant
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 24.30 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 29.07 pts — started by Bob
K: Jake Elliott, 17.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: Indianapolis, 23.00 pts — started by Dad
D: T.J. Watt, 11.50 pts — on Jo’s bench

Nooooooooooo! So close to our second sweep of the year. Watt was listed as a COVID absence through most of the week, so he’s still sitting on the bench of the first-place fantasy squad. Hope Jo doesn’t need those 10 pts she cost herself later on...

Taylor continues to run roughshod over the rest of the league, outsourcing the second-place non-QB (RB Austin Ekler) by 65 fantasy pts. He’s at 279.20 pts for the season, while only three other non-QBs have topped 200 pts (including WR Cooper Kupp, also on Jo’s team.) In fifth place for that group, at 181 pts? RB Derrick Henry, who hasn’t played a game since he was hurt in October.

“Just some guys" edition

3rd place: Diontae Spencer, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Travis Benjamin, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Gerald Everett, -1.53 pts — on Ant’s bench

Spencer and Benjamin (ugh, I hate it when people have first names as their last names. It’s so annoying) are both special teamers who collected a few return yards but then fumbled away a punt to end up in negative territory.

But Everett? He really worked at being terrible this week. The Seattle TE had four catches on six targets for seven yards (itself an impressive feat of failing to advance the ball downfield) and ended up fumbling the ball twice. In his previous 70 games, Everett had only fumbled the ball twice. So that’s a really impressive commitment to hurting your team in a single game.



** NFL columnist John Clayton had a piece last Tuesday predicting all eight division winners at the end of the year. “Several races are shaping up to go down to the wire,” he wrote.

His conclusion: All eight current division leaders will end up winning their divisions.

Amazing analysis! Forget that the Titans are struggling, or that the Bills and Patriots are a game apart and play twice to finish the season, or that most of the Cardinals are dead. “Going down to the wire” means “will end up exactly the same as right now.” That’s the kind of insight you can only get from an old pro.

** ESPN headline: Texas assistant football coach, girlfriend sued after monkey allegedly bites child.

I checked, and this was not a standard blocking drill practice.

(Go ahead, you can look up the story on your own, it won’t make any more sense.)

Because of the addition of a seventh playoff team in each conference and the total screwiness of the league this year, only one squad (the Texans) have been officially eliminated from playoff contention. USA Today has a nice write up of how the Lions at 6-10-1 could still be the seventh seed in the east, if 35 things also other happen:

That won’t happen, of course, because God hates Detroit. But the Almighty also loves chaos (see his decision to allow Texas to exist), so here are some other fun playoff scenarios to consider (courtesy of ESPN’s playoff machine):

** The Eagles get the #1 seed in the NFC:
Philadelphia has to win out, plus the Cowboys have to lose another game, and the Eagles get the division title at 10-7. Then if Green Bay loses their last five games, and the Cardinals lose their last five, and the Bucs lose their last five, and the Rams only win two of their last five, the road to the Super Bowl goes through Lincoln Financial Field.

** The NFC East has three playoff teams, and two have losing records:
If the Cowboys win out and win the division, there’s a path for the Eagles and the Maryland nameless team to both end up at 8-9 and still make the playoffs. All it will take is a bunch of losses by the 49ers and Vikings, and no one in the NFC South putting together a four game winning streak.

** Every remaining game ends in a tie:
The playoff picture would look pretty much the same as it does today, but there’s just something awesome about the seventh seed in the NFC being San Francisco at 6-6-5.

** The home team wins every game for the rest of the season:
This would also give the NFC East three playoff teams, with the Eagles as the 6th seed sporting a 9-8 record.

** Every underdog wins:
Based on today’s record, if every underdog wins from this point on, the Panthers would be the #1 seed in the NFC, the Raiders the #1 seed in the AFC, and the Cowboys, Ravens and Chiefs would miss the playoffs. The Cardinals would still be the #2 seed in the NFC, however.

** The AFC stinks:
There’s a scenario where four of the seven AFC playoff teams aren’t over .500 (The Ravens, Bengals and Steelers would all have to end up 8-8-1) and the #3 seed Titans would only be 9-8. But the Patriots still make the post-season in that scenario, so, meh.

** Nobody makes the playoffs:
The league shuts down after week 17. Honestly, this would probably make us all happier than watching an inevitable Bucs/Patriots Super Bowl.

Not much was expected out of defensive lineman Quinton Bohanna, the Cowboys sixth-round pick out of Kentucky in last year’s draft. But despite that, he has … not delivered this year, recording only two tackles on the season. That’s really not a shock, however, when you take a closer look at his name:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie DT Quinton Bohanna
** He quits, no roots, no cool, banal yawn. Bad kid.

Of course, being a bad kid is what gets you on the Cowboys’ draft radar in the first place, so it seems to be working out for the young man.

** Back on track — I won two games against Dad in our weekly picks, which puts me up one on the season so far. The key to victory was to pick all the games, then assume I’d be wrong and switch several of them. I’ll look to keep that strategy rolling into next Sunday.

** Shoutout to Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown, who I made fun of in my column last week and who this week caught the game-winning TD to secure Detroit’s first victory of the year. Nice work, sun god.

** The Flyers fired their coach on Monday, which justifies my decision not to pay any attention to them at all this year. I’ve got enough underperforming Philly teams to keep track of already.

Week 13 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1686.60 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1670.35 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1567.74 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1554.78 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1475.87 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1460.98 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1459.13 pts
8 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1455.14 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1450.34 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1446.03 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1384.24 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 967.18 pts

Joanna maintains her slim lead over Jonathan, but the story of the week is Bob’s squad, who posted 170 pts (second best week of the season) and vaulted from well-behind fourth place to surging-ahead third place. He’s still 100 pts behind the top duo, but I told you a few weeks ago to keep an eye on him.

Meanwhile, fifth place through 10th remains a slog, with everyone swapping places and no one breaking away. All but three teams posted 100-plus pts this week (frowning face for Sam, Jeff and Paul) and another impressive showing by Dad has him sneaking every closer to the quicksand of the middle standings.

Paul remains dead.

Thursday’s game features the Steelers vs the Vikings, the only two teams that failed to beat the Lions this season. So that should make for some quality mid-week action. Get your rosters ready early.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 12 recap

A recap of the year so far:

The Cardinals, the best team in the NFC right now, earlier this year lost to the Panthers.

 
The Panthers lost to the Giants.
The Giants lost to the Rams.
The Rams lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Jets.
The Jets lost to the Falcons.
The Falcons lost to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys lost to the Buccaneers.
The Buccaneers lost to the Maryland nameless team.
The Maryland team lost to the Broncos.
The Broncos lost to the Raiders.
The Raiders lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Chargers.
The Chargers lost to the Patriots.
The Patriots lost to the Dolphins.
The Dolphins lost to the Bills.
The Bills lost to the Jaguars.
The Jaguars lost to the Texans.
The Texans lost to the Colts.
The Colts lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens, the best team in the AFC so far, lost to the Bengals.
The Bengals lost to the Bears.
The Bears lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Steelers.
The Steelers lost to the Packers.
The Packers lost to the Vikings.
The Vikings lost to the 49ers.
The 49ers lost to the Seahawks.
The Seahawks lost to the Saints.

The Saints lost to the Panthers, who we already noted beat the Cardinals.

And the Detroit Lions haven’t won a game yet this year.

So there you have it. Nobody is good enough to win the Super Bowl this year. Let’s just cancel it and move on to 2022.

QB: Josh Allen, 34.70 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Cordarrelle Patterson, 25.60 pts — started by me
RB: Leonard Fournette, 39.57 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Dawson Knox, 15.63 pts — on my bench
K: (tie) Daniel Carson, 21.00 pts — started by Jo
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 21.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Miami, 24.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Pat Surtain II, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Very quietly, Patterson has been the most destructive force in fantasy football this year. He’s the fourth best fantasy wide receiver on the season … unless you count him as an RB, a position in which he is also eligible, where he is the 8th best player. I’ve got him on two teams and have been mixing and matching each week he’s available, sometimes filling in open WR spots with a fourth RB, other times filling him back into those running back spots to get extra receivers in there. Atlanta is legitimately using him all over the field, but it all feels very unfair and I’m glad I’m the one benefitting from it all.

Before you feel any fleeting pity for Jo, her other defense — Denver — was the third-best on the week and scored 18 pts. Plus, she’s still in first place, so don’t feel bad for her ever.

 
“W/R” edition

3rd place: Demetric Felton, -0.06 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Khari Blasingame, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: J.J. Koski, -1.48 pts — on the wire

I’ll be saving all three of these for my quiz later this year titled “NFL players or what the scrabble tiles spelled out when I dropped them on the floor.

QBs across the league accounted for 43 passing TDs this week but also 37 turnovers (headlined by Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s stomach-turning four interception game on Sunday night.) Feels like a lot of folks just forgot how to play football this week. Maybe it was all the turkey.


** Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury has been rumored to be a candidate for the open University of Oklahoma football coach job (which in itself is dumb, because Arizona is the #1 seed in the NFC right now, so why would he leave?). When asked about it on Monday on Monday morning, this was his response:

"My sole focus the last couple weeks has been the Chicago Bears. After watching them on Thanksgiving, it needs to be, because they're a really good football team and had a big win, and so that's where my focus has been."

I don’t know if Kingsbury is interested or not, but c’mon, dude, don’t lie. The Bears are a terrible team and prevailing 16-13 over Detroit is not a big win. Just say “no comment” and move on.

** NBC aired a new holiday special “Five sleeps till Christmas” on Friday based on a children’s book written by Jimmy Fallon.

At the time it was broadcast, there were 29 more sleeps until Christmas morning.

Just feels like false advertising to me, that’s all.

** Following a bonkers blocked-XP-returned-for-two-points play in the Monday Night Football game, ESPN talking head Louis Riddick said the 9-9 score was stressful because “these are two teams that need this game … A win really is crucial if they want their season to be something.”

To be clear, the game featured the Seattle Seahawks, who came into the night with the second-worst record in the NFC, and the Maryland nameless team, who came into the night tied for the third-worst record in the NFC. Neither has any chance of making the playoffs, win or loss. The only way Riddick’s statement makes sense is if you assume he meant a win was crucial to ruining their chances at a better draft pick.

We all know some of these games are terrible. In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, don’t show me turd and claim it’s an iphone.
  

Here’s what NFL notables are thankful for this year:

Texans owner Cal McNair: Thankful that the Jets and Lions are around, to help everyone forget about what a dumpster fire his team is.

Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady: Thankful that no one has found the vials of unicorn blood he takes daily to stay young.

Packers WR Equanimeous St. Brown: Thankful that his name doesn’t sound as dumb as his brother’s (Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown).

Bills QB Josh Allen: Thankful every single time he drops back that the team brought in WR Stephon Diggs and other players with actual skills.

New Jersey Giants coach Joe Judge: Thankful that there are worse coaches in his division, so that will let him keep his job for a few more weeks.

Bengals QB Joe Burrow: Thankful that the Steelers decided to take this year off, giving them a chance at the playoffs.

Rams WR Odell Beckham Jr.: Thankful that teams always want to give him another chance, even though he hasn’t been good for four years.

Jaguars coach Urban Meyer: Thankful that the season only has seven games left.

No Dallas Thanksgiving game would be complete without the family tradition of taking cheap shots at others, so it’s no surprise that Thursday’s Cowboys/Raiders game included an ejection for CB Kelvin Joseph for punching an opposing player on the sideline after a punt return. Joseph is likely to face a hefty fine for the action, but it really should come as no surprise that it happened given what defensive player’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas rookie cornerback Kelvin Joseph
** Jerk: I love a spine crack. Blood risk, no heal.

“Blood risk” is actually one of the Cowboy’s favorite defensive schemes, but the league banned it last year by not allowing players to put razors in their gloves anymore.

** I lost all four games Dad and I picked different this week, giving him the lead in the season standings (at plus 1). Complete disaster for me in every phase of football over the last month, as I can’t get any games right and all three of my fantasy teams are in the bottom half of their leagues. I’m ready to call this year over.

** Congrats to the Wolverines for their big win over the Buckeyes this weekend, giving them a 2-15 record against Ohio State in the last 18 years. We’re all looking forward to this kind of celebration again in 2029.

** If you’re wondering why there were no Eagles mentions in this week’s recap, and why they were excluded from the list at the top of the column, it’s because I try to focus on professional football teams and professional football players here. Philadelphia currently has neither. Making jokes about them feels like making fun of sick children at this point.


Week 1 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1561.07 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1550.77 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1445.48 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1397.35 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1383.08 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1374.73 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1355.17 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1346.91 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1346.71 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1341.08 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1252.95 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 901.27 pts

Ooooooh boy. Joanna stays in first place, but a mediocre week from her squad (still good enough for fifth place, though) and a huge 151-plus-pts performance by Jonathan’s team leaves him just 10.3 pts off the lead. The pair have more than 100 points between them and third place, and are starting to run away with the league. But which Fort Awesome resident will end up on top?

Speaking of awesome, shoutout to me for a solid second-place finish this week, pulling me back towards the middle of the pack. Dad’s slow climb back to relevance continues with a third-place finish this week. Meanwhile, Mike hasn’t topped 100 pts either of the last two weeks and continues to slide slowly back down the standings.

Did you hate having to watch the Cowboys on Thursday? Then I have great news for you — you get to hate it again this week! Dallas takes on the Saints in a non-weekend matchup again, their third of the year, because of reasons. Be sure to set your rosters early.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 11 recap

Given the chaos around the NFL the last few weeks, it’s difficult to decide who should be considered the Super Bowl favorite at this point. Here’s a quick breakdown of some of the top candidates:

** The Arizona Cardinals: At 9-2, they have the best record in the league and won on Sunday despite having their starting QB and top WR on the injury list. They’ve got the best shot at home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

** The Tennessee Titans: But the AFC has looked like the stronger of the two conferences this year, and the Titans have the best record in the AFC (8-3) with key wins over contenders like the Chiefs and Bills. So they should be considered the top team in the league.

** The Houston Texans: Except the Titans just lost to the Texans, the team with the worst record in all of the AFC. And using the transitive property of equality, that means the Texans must be the best team in the AFC now, and the Super Bowl favorite.

** The Philadelphia Eagles: But the Texans got smoked by the Panthers earlier this year, and the Eagles beat the Panthers, and the Eagles have scored the most points of any team over the last two weeks, so they should probably count as the top team right now.

** The Ohio State Buckeyes: However, the Buckeyes have scored even more points than the Eagles of late and only have one loss on their resume, better than any team in the NFL. So maybe they can finally claim a Super Bowl Title?

** The Detroit Lions: They’re 0-9-1. It’s not them. That’s the only thing I know at this point.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 41.50 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Justin Jefferson, 27.57 pts — started by Ant
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 51.27 pts — started by Jo
TE: Zach Ertz, 21.87 pts — started by Sam
K: Evan McPherson, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 33.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Kyle Van Noy, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Shout out to RB Austin Ekeler, who had three TDs and 36.33 fantasy points on Sunday night in a performance that absolutely no one will remember because of Taylor.

Taylor, who leads the league in rushing yards, threw up 185 on the ground on Sunday with four rushing TDs in an absolute domination of a supposedly good Bills defense. He also added three catches for 19 yards and another TD, posting the best fantasy score of any individual player this season.

In fact, Taylor’s total was the sixth best fantasy game ever by a non-QB in our league’s scoring, falling behind only these folks:

5 — 49ers Jerry Rice, Oct. 14 1990: 13 catches for 225 yds, 5 total TDs, 51.50 fantasy pts
4 — Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander, Sept. 29 2002: 139 rushing yds, 3 catches for 92 yds, 5 total TDs, 51.53 fantasy pts
3 — Bengals RB Corey Dillon, Dec. 4 1997: 246 rushing yds, 2 catches for 30 yds, 4 total TDs, 51.60 fantasy pts.
2 — Saints RB Alvin Kamara, Dec. 25 2020: 155 rushing yds, 2 catches for 17 yds, 6 total TDs, 54.13 fantasy pts.
1 — Broncos RB Clinton Portis, Dec. 7 2003: 218 rushing yds, 2 catches for 36 yds, 5 total TDs, 55.20 fantasy pts.

FYI, Joanna had Kamara on her team last year when he posted that absurd line, giving her two of the top six all-time fantasy performances in the last 11 months. That feels unfair.


“Atlanta QB” edition

3rd place: Matt Ryan, 2.12 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
2nd place: Josh Rosen, -1.80 pts — on the wire
1st place: Feleipe Franks, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Yep, the three passers for the Falcons combined for -1.68 pts in their matchup against the Patriots this week. After Ryan produced no discernable offense for most of the game on Thursday, his night ended after a fourth-quarter interception with about five minutes left. On the next series, he was replaced by Rosen, who threw an interception returned for a TD on his third attempt. He was replaced on the next series by Franks, who threw an interception on his only pass attempt.

So if you were wondering how the New England defense ended up being worth 33 fantasy points, it was those 12 points in the final five minutes combined with the shutout and a few other terrible plays by Atlanta.

 
Shout out to Lions starting QB Tim Boyle, who went 15 of 23 for 77 yards with two interceptions in his game against the Browns, totaling -0.92 fantasy points. That’s really hard to do if you’re a starting QB. And the Lions only lost by a FG. The NFL makes no sense right now.


** University of Virginia coach Bronco Mendendall (a real name, not one I just made up) was asked before this weekend’s game whether junior QB Brennan Armstrong (again, his real name) would be out with a lingering abdomen injury or if his status was still day-to-day. His response:

“I’m hoping for more second-to-second than day-by-day. It might be hour-to-hour. I’m not sure where we go from day-to-day to second-by-second. I’m hoping it’s at least hour-to-hour, but I would prefer second-to-second.”

I could go word-by-word breaking that all down, but at this point I think the QB may be dead and the coach is just trying to cover it all up.

** On Saturday night, #23 Utah was favored at home by three points #3 Oregon.

Let me go over that again.

The alleged third-best team in all of college football, a team that should be favored on a neutral field over any other team except two, was a three-point underdog on the road against a team that was 20 spots lower in the rankings.

And the Vegas oddsmakers were right. Oregon got smoked, losing by more than four touchdowns.

What is the point of college football rankings again? It’s clearly not to identify the best teams if none of the betting public believes the list reflects how a team will actually perform. Is it just to drive fans bonkers? Because that’s all they seem to be achieving anymore.

** ESPN noisebox Chris Berman opened his “fastest three minutes” recap of the weekend’s NFL action on Monday night with … 30 seconds talking about former Cowboys coach Tom Landry and former Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt and how important they were to the league. The trip down memory lane came because those two franchises played each other this weekend.

It was the slowest half minute in the history of time. Once again, ESPN finds a way to screw up showing sports highlights by not showing sports highlights.

Dolphins WR Mack Hollins caught his third TD of the season in Sunday’s win over the Jets. Hollins, as you likely don’t remember, was a wideout for the Eagles in 2017 and 2019 (but not 2018) and collected a whopping 26 catches in 28 games. But it made me wonder — how many recent Eagles wide receivers can you name?

It’s time for another quiz — which of these are actual wide receivers who played for the Eagles in the last 15 years, and which of these are names I just made up?

WR Seyi Ajirotutu
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Marvin McNutt
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Arrelious Benn
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Marcus Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Damaris Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Ronald Johnson
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Jeff Maehl
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR Kamar Aiken
Actual WR ————— Not a catch
WR J.J. Arcega-Whiteside
Actual WR ————— Not a catch

Yeah, don’t bother looking for an answer key. They’re all actual wide receivers … except for J.J. Arcega-Whiteside. He’s just a tackling dummy that gets tossed out on the field every once in a while.

(That's a picture of McNutt up there in the section header. I'm surprised you didn't catch that hint.)

Dallas defensive lineman Carlos Watkins has been playing exceptionally well of late, even as injuries pile up on the team’s D-line. What’s his secret? It’s a not a surprise, it’s as plain as the letters in his name:

Cowboys DE Carlos Watkins
** Scab yowl: I snort coke wads

Drugs are a long tradition among the Cowboys players, but I feel like snorting them wads at a time is particularly dangerous.

** Another week, another victory by Dad. He picks up one more win in our weekly picks and now sits down three for the year. I called the Colts big win but didn’t pick it, then watched as the Ravens almost lost their game to the Bears and cost me another tally. This league, man.

** The Washington Post had a column about how the Maryland nameless team has a not-unrealistic shot at the playoffs and I know I wrote the exact same thing last week for the Eagles but this somehow felt way, way dumber.

** I for one am thrilled that the Eagles signed TE Dallas Goedert to a big extension this week and look forward to five more years of him catching two passes in the first quarter and then disappearing for the rest of the game.

Week 11 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1443.61 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1399.03 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1339.07 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1306.01 pts
5 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1301.41 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1276.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1255.49 pts
8 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1239.51 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1227.18 pts
10 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1225.52 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1129.02 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 821.36 pts

Jo continues to dominate the league — she had 81 points from just two players this week (Taylor and Jalen Hurts), and that was enough to outscore three teams (me, Mike and Paul). Add in TE Travis Kelce’s 13 pts and she outscores three more teams before we get to the rest of her starters.

Her 156.35 pts were just barely enough for first place on the week, however, because Jonathan collected 154.27 pts and Mom D had a strong 145.31 pts. Bob and Sam are making strong bids to try and crack the medal podium, but they both sit more than 137 pts out of first, making the gold medal look very, very far away.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, the only Thursday of the year where there should be football, and six teams will play in three games. Get your rosters set early, before the piles of turkey numb your mind to the importance of picking up some holiday fantasy points.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 10 recap

Should the 4-6 Eagles make the playoffs? No. They are not a good team. But apparently no one in the NFL wants to be really good this year, opening the doors for mediocrity to rise to the top of the bloated postseason slate. And with 17 games, 10 wins may be enough to earn a trip to the playoffs.

With that in mind, here’s a unlikely but not overly ridiculous path to an Eagles wild card berth following their surprising win over the Broncos:

Pre-bye: The Eagles likely lose to the Saints next Sunday, but could win their next two against the New Jersey Jets and New Jersey Giants. Those two contests are on the road, where the Eagles are 4-2 this season. The New Jersey teams have combined for a 4-5 record at home this year. With victories, this would put the Eagles’ record at 6-7 heading into the bye.

Bye week: It’s week 14. The Eagles have a good shot at not picking up another loss when they don’t play.

Post-bye: The Eagles play at home against the Maryland nameless team and then the Giants again, then travel to Maryland on Jan. 2 for another rematch. From today, when the birds are due back from Denver, until Jan. 2, the team will not travel any further than 140 miles for any of their final eight weeks of the season. That’s a lot of rest for the Eagles in between playing tired teams with losing records. Winning all three and getting to 9-7 is possible.

Season finale: The Cowboys travel to Philadelphia for the last game of the season. Forget the rivalry stuff, because the Cowboys are infinitely better than the Eagles right now. The Eagles have no chance of winning … if the Cowboys try. But they may not. By week 18, Dallas may be resting their starters, assured of a playoff berth. I’d give the Eagles a 50-50 shot against the Cowboys’ backups right now. If it’s a victory, that’s win #10.

Everybody else: Right now five NFC teams look like playoff locks (division leaders Dallas, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Arizona, plus the LA Rams). Two other teams have five wins (New Orleans and Carolina, who have to play each other in week 16). Seven teams make the playoffs, and if Carolina and Philadelphia have the same record at the end of the season, the Eagles own the head-to-head tiebreaker and get the playoff spot.

Let me repeat — this should not happen. If there were any justice in the world, a mediocre team like the Eagles should not still be in playoff contention. But the NFL loves drama, and Philadelphia beating up on the weak part of its schedule could help create that.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 46.24 pts — started by Mike
WR: Deebo Samuel, 24.57 pts — started by Bob
RB: Rhamondre Stevenson, 24.93 pts — started by me
TE: Hunter Henry, 16.47 pts — started by Ant
K: Zane Gonzalez, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 26.00 pts — on the wire
D: Xavien Howard, 12.50 pts — on the wire

There’s nothing like grabbing a guy off the waiver wire and having him hit the top performers list. Stevenson, New England’s rookie RB, rushed for 100 yds and two TDs against an alleged stout Browns defense in relief of starting RB Damien Harris, who was out with a concussion. Before Sunday, Stevenson had 27.56 fantasy pts on the season. I appreciate him doubling that when I needed a quick fill-in.

It’s worth noting that the Dallas defense was the third best fantasy player of the week, scoring more than everyone except Mahomes and … Dallas QB Dak Prescott (30.34 pts). I’m getting pretty sick of these guys.

“Sad QBs” edition

3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Davis Webb, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -1.44 pts — on the wire

All these backups ended up collecting negative points in their limited work Sunday, but more notable is the list of starters who outright sucked. Here’s a look at some of them that you were better than this week:

You: 0 for 1 passing, 0 yards. That’s a 39.6 rating.

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson: 5.64 fantasy pts, 20 of 40, 161 yds, 2 INTs, 39.7 rating. He actually was still a little better than you, but it’s the first time he failed to score double-digit points in any game he appeared in since late 2018.

Jets QB Mike White: 2.04 fantasy pts, 24 of 44, 251 yds, 4 INTS, 33.4 rating. He was the top QB two very long weeks ago.

Falcons QB Matt Ryan: 0.68 fantasy pts, 9 of 21, 117 yds, 2 INTs, 21.4 rating. He was worth 32.52 fantasy pts just last week.

Honorable mention to Jared Goff, PJ Walker, Colt McCoy, Jacoby Brissett, Baker Mayfield, Carson Wentz, Teddy Bridgewater and Trevor Lawrence, all starters with a QB rating above 40 but fewer than 10 fantasy pts this week. (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers didn’t make the list because he had a robust 10.48 fantasy pts this week, so no complaining). That’s 11 of the 28 teams who played this week having a QB start worth less than a TD and a half. It’s brutal out there for fantasy this year.


** The Florida Gators gave up 42 points in the first half of their game Saturday against … (checks notes again) … Samford University, an FCS program with a losing record. The Gators did end up winning the game, 70-52, and Florida Coach Dan Mullen said after the game that calling the win “disappointing” would be disrespectful to his players. When asked specifically about the poor defense in the first half, Mullen added that “you have to give Samford some credit."

I guess you should give “some” credit to the players who scored six TDs in a half against a former college football powerhouse. Just a little, though. We wouldn’t want them to get a big head and be viewed as a real football team.

** With the Cowboys up 36-3 in the third quarter and facing a fourth-and-one at the 10 yard line, Dallas opted not to kick the meaningless field goal and instead called for a QB run to keep the clock moving. It didn’t really work — Dak Prescott scored instead, extending the lead and also stopping the clock. But former TE turned brainless Fox analyst Greg Olsen raved about the play for five minutes afterward.

“That’s just an amazing play by Prescott,” he drooled. “You’re up 33 pts, but your star QB is willing to put his shoulder down and push into the end zone on a must-have fourth down. That means a lot.”

To misquote a wise man, I do not think those words mean what you think they mean. I’m not sure that turning the ball over inside the 10-yard-line with a 33-point lead counts as a “must have” moment. I mean, I guess the team “must have” a play there, otherwise it’s a forfeit. But considering all the Falcons points for the game came on their first drive, and they were shut out for the final 52 minutes of play, there’s a good chance the Cowboys would have been OK with just a first down or kneel down there.

** Poll on Fox 5 Washington on Monday night: “Who has a better chance of making the playoffs, the Washington Football Team or the Washington Wizards?”

The Wizards have the second best record in the NBA, a league where half the teams make the postseason. In the poll, 89 percent of people picked them.

The Maryland nameless team upset the reigning Super Bowl champion Bucs this week to pull their record to … 3-6. They did jump from fourth place in the NFC East to third. They’ll likely need to finish 7-1 to get a wild card spot. In the poll, 11 percent of people picked them.

Those 11 percent are allowed to vote and drive in the greater DC area, and this is why I fear leaving my house every day.

If you missed the Steelers/Lions matchup on Sunday, congratulations: You probably have a few brain cells left. Fans who watched the game weren’t so lucky. Here’s a recap of some of the lowlights:

** The game was tied at 10 after the first quarter. For the next four quarters (because of course this wretched game went to overtime) the two teams combined for just 12 more points.

** Detroit actually scored another TD, but missed the extra point. After that, their next eight drives resulted in seven punts and a missed FG, including four drives where they lost yards. The FG attempt in overtime, which missed by a sizable margin, was only from 48 yards away.

** The Steelers had the ball on the edge of FG range twice in overtime, and fumbled the ball away both times. They also had another fumble overturned by penalty. On their other overtime possession, they ran three plays and lost 15 yards.

** Detroit had more yards in penalties (84) than passing (77) for the game. They had 1.5 times as many punting yards (464) than total offense (306). And the Steelers still couldn’t win.

** After the game ended in a 16-16 tie, both Detroit RB Godwin Igwebuike and Pittsburgh RB Najee Harris both had comments to reporters saying they assumed the teams would keep playing until there was a winner. “In my mind, I was sitting on the bench saying, ‘I’ve got another quarter to go,’” Harris said.

Since the start of the 2012 season, 10 NFL games have ended in a tie. It’s unusual, but it’s not like a one-in-a-generation thing. The Steelers had one in 2018, and most of the coaching staff and key starters for the team were playing then too. So, I dunno, maybe talk to your teammates during the game and you’ll learn a few things.


It has been a while since we last had a round of anagram insult poetry, but thankfully Dallas wideout Ced Wilson is here to help us end that drought:

** WR Ced Wilson

Weird clowns
wield crowns.
Worlds wince.
Old crew wins.

Recs wild now.
Rid new scowl.
Lewd crow sin,
Old crew wins.

Cows drew nil,
Cons wed wirl.
Cowls drew in,
Old crew wins.

Go ahead and check, each line is an anagram for his name. There’s no cheating here.

Much like the weekly anagram insults, which give us insight into the depths of evil that lie hidden in the letters of the Cowboys’ names, the anagram insult poetry signs to the soul (or the lack thereof) in the Dallas roster. “Weird clowns wield crowns” is a clear reference to the Cowboys leading the NFC East at the moment, which makes the “world wince” as the “old crew wins.”

“Lewd crow sin” is actually the name of the Cowboys 2021 offensive playbook, which has been successful so far this year, except for last week’s stunning upset, when the “cows drew nil” from their offensive plans. But the “cons wed wirl” and returned to their havoc and chaos this week, sadly resulting in more “old crew wins.”

The poetry is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Its wisdom should be used sparingly.

** Dropped another game to Dad in our weekly picks, so I’m only up four for the year and on the wrong side of a two-game losing streak to him. After going 79-41 in my picks in the first eight weeks of the season (66 percent correct) I’ve gone 12-16 the last two weeks (57 percent incorrect). This year is going bonkers.

** Really gonna need Miami to stop winning games so the Eagles can at least get one top-10 pick. It seems like the Giants and Maryland teams are gonna stink enough to push the Eagles into second place, whether they like it or not. The Giants are actually positioned right now to get the #5 pick and the #7 pick, thanks to a trade with the Bears last year.

** Speaking of draft picks, if QB Carson Wentz plays most of the snaps in 3.5 of the Colts last seven games, the Eagles get their first round pick too. Seems pretty plausible at this point they get three picks in the teens … and waste them all.


Week 10 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1287.26 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1244.76 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1211.37 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom), 1193.76 pts
5 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1181.85 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1163.07 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1153.23 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1150.15 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1148.26 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1138.21 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1035.99 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 753.69 pts

Big weeks by Mike (137.77 pts) and Jonathan (127.00 pts) cut into Joanna’s lead atop the standings, while a rough outing for Mom D sent her tumbling down out of the elite tier in the rankings.

Don’t sleep on Bob, whose team is heating up again and climbing slowly back into relevance. Feel free to sleep on my team and everyone below me — Everyone sitting more than 110 pts out of first appears to be treading water right now, following good weeks with bad ones and not making any real progress in the standings.

Speaking of irrelevant teams, the Falcons play this Thursday night against the suddenly surging (but probably more like “cheating”) Patriots. Get your rosters ready and shield your eyes from the horror of the game itself.