Fantasy league 2020 -- week 16 recap

Here’s what Santa brought some NFL notables for Christmas this year:

** Raiders WR Nelson Agholor — A new set of sticky gloves and an offensive that respects him.

** Bills QB Josh Allen — A division title, the first one since 1995.

** Jaguars owner Shahid Khan — The soul of Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence.

** Maryland football team QB Dwayne Haskins — Lots and lots of free time.

** Titans RB Derrick Henry — A battering ram, in case his current helmet is getting worn down.

** Patriots QB Tom Brady — Another vial of unicorn blood to keep him young.

** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson — Coal. Lots of coal.

QB: Josh Allen, 40.30 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 32.97 pts — started by me
RB: Alvin Kamara, 54.13 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 18.60 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Jason Sanders, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Randy Gregory, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Hello, Alvin Kamara. The #2 pick in our draft this year jumped into the top RB fantasy performer of the year this week with an absurd 155 yards rushing and six — yes, six — TDs. He tied the all-time NFL single game rushing TD mark (set by the Chicago Cardinals’ Ernie Nevers in 1929, but you already knew that) and recorded the most points by any fantasy player in our league since 2010 (when Mike Vick had 57.37 pts sitting on my bench, dammit).

Sporting News has this as the second-best performance by a fantasy RB all time, just behind Denver RB Clinton Portis’ 5 TD, 218-yds rushing, 36-yds receiving game in 2003. And, as great as Kamara has been over the years, it’s only the third 100-plus-yds rushing game of his four-year career (he usually does his damage in the short passing game). So, you know, maybe try to draft him next year.

Not on this week’s list: Bills WR Stefon Diggs, who had 9 catches for 145 yds and 3 TDs in Monday night’s embarrassment of the Patriots. Diggs was two catches and 0.8 pts behind Adams, but he deserves a special shout out here, because his huge night propelled me to a fantasy title in my big money league (it’s not that much money, but it’s more than the Awesome Cup payout). That makes me a champion in three different leagues over the last five years. I await your praise and admiration.

Diggs leads the league in yards (1,459) and receptions (120) and was traded at the start of the season for a 2020 first-round pick, a 2020 fifth-round pick, a 2020 sixth-round pick and a 2021 fourth-round pick. Basically, the Eagles could have had him instead of WR Jalen Reagor, WR John Hightower and LB Shaun (not Shawn) Bradley. Or the could have traded Reagor, S K'Von Wallace, and other loose change for Cardinals WR DeAndre Hopkins, currently second in the league in receptions (111) and third in yards (1,372). But in the end, they chose their own scouting savvy over surefire receiving threats. And that’s why we are where we are.

That, and Randy Gregory, the Dallas DE who forced three fumbles and totaled 1.5 sacks against the pathetic Eagles to get on the list this week.

“Such bad defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — started by Bob
1st place: (tie) Houston, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Shout out to Bob, who again had two negative scoring defenses to choose from this week (Minnesota was a -2.00 on his bench). And Mike had an impressive 13-point swing with his defenses, opting for the bottom-dwelling Texans over 7.00 pts from the Rams.

Also, it’s just nice to see the Patriots with a losing record and a loser defense. I know there’s a lot wrong with the world now, but that just feels right.

** Hey, did you know the Steelers won the AFC North this weekend? You did if you watched the Eagles game on Sunday. The Fox crew running the game had a “breaking news banner regarding the Steelers’ victory running every 30 seconds from the start of the Eagles game at 4:25 until the start of the second quarter, at 5:10 p.m.

Yes, that’s a significant playoff berth. No, it had no relevance to the Eagles game. Yes, it’s worth some kind of alert for football viewers. No, after the first 20 minutes, I don’t need more updates on that one particular fact, especially when there were three other games going, including one with actual relevance to the NFC East.

** Speaking of the Eagles game, Fox analyst Jonathan Vilma commented after a run by Ezekiel Elliot that despite a few games missed to injury “He looks really good. He has a burst that he has been missing for a while.”

Vilma’s comment came on the second run of the game by the Cowboys, with Elliot totaling 6 yds on his two handles. So, for future reference, two middling runs equals Pro-Bowl form from now on.

** The NFL made the Eagles/Maryland Football Squad game the final Sunday night game of the year next week because Maryland can clinch a division title and because the NFL really, really, really hates its fans. 

Also, I take it as a personal attack that the NFL is making this Eagles season four hours longer than it needs to be. 

  

What to do next Sunday night instead of watching the Eagles finale:

** Start your draft prep for next year: It’s never too early to start the quest for the 2021 Awesome Cup. Should Kamara be the #1 overall pick? What do you do with often-injured Giants RB Saquon Barkley? Will the Eagles have a single player you can stomach drafting next year?

** Write your own Eagles anagrams: Channel that inner rage into creativity. For example, “Eagles retain Carson Wentz” turns into “Realize a wrong stance, nest.” Could that use work? Sure! Get to it instead of watching what might be Wentz’ final Philly game.

** Gouge your eyes out with glass: Unclear if this would be more or less painful than watching the game. It may be a wash.

** Relive classic Eagles games: The DeSean Jackson Miracle at the Meadowlands is available right here. Remember when he and the Eagles used to be good? Now you can! 

** Cry: Sometimes it’s best to let it all out.

As the season drags on and their roster thins out, even the Cowboys with their revolving door of goons finds themselves in need of some new bodies. That’s why practice squad RB Sewo Olonilua was promoted to the active roster two weeks ago. Well, that and because of what his name says about him as a player:

New Dallas RB Sewo Olonilua
** No one worse. Alas, a wild bull.

See, I could have just noted that “Sewo Olonilua” anagrams perfectly to “Lo, woolie anus” but this is a family-friendly blog and I won’t stoop that low.

(Also “I unloose a owl” but that just doesn’t make any sense.)

** Another positive week for Dad, but time is running out. He picked up two to pull within eight games of me, setting up a “Can I pick any games right” final week of the season for our family title of best football prognosticator. The excitement is as overwhelming as the Eagles pass defense. Or is the word “overwhelmed”?

** Dad made me watch “Santa Jaws” after the Eagles game on Sunday and it made more sense and was better to watch than the birds. And that is not a compliment to “Santa Jaws.”

** I know, this column has been long enough, but the Cheeze-It Bowl is happening as I post this and you really, really need to go read this Golf Digest (yes, golf) article on the 2018 Cheeze-It Bowl because ohmigawd.  

Week 16 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 2104.80 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 2,044.89 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 2,007.89 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,980.32 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,936.01 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,888.31 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,822.53 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,822.18 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,746.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,538.43 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,360.99 pts

This is it, folks. One week left, and I have at least a fleeting chance of climbing back on top of the heap. My huge performance (168.67 pts, tops this week) leaves me just 60 pts out of first place, an unrealistic but not impossible hill to climb in a single weekend of games (I picked up 47 pts on Mike this week alone). Jeff is almost 100 pts down, a deficit we’ve never seen overcome in a single week. Joanna’s noteworthy 163-pts week puts her in the mix for a medal, but probably not the gold.

The 9, 10 and 11 spots are already locked in. Everybody else is playing for pride. Remember, there are no losers in this league, except for the 10 teams that don’t finish in first.

No Thursday game this week. No Friday or Saturday games. No Monday games. All 16 games are scheduled for Sunday, in a final hurray to a disjointed and messy season. So get your rosters ready one last time.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 15 recap

The Pro Bowl rosters were announced this week, and as always the snubs are the biggest headline of the whole exercise. Here’s a look at a few of the players left off in what can only be described as unforgivable mistakes by the league:

** Eagles QB Carson Wentz: The former Pro-Bowl passer leads the league in four categories, the only QB in either the AFC or NFC to boast that kind of excellence. Nevermind that those four categories are interceptions, sacks, sack yards lost and lowest QB rating among players with eight-plus starts. Leading the league in anything is impressive.

** Jets RB Frank Gore: No Jets made the roster, likely a reflection of their 1-13 record on the season. But that criminally underrates Gore, who left this weekend with 605 rushing yds on the season, good enough for 25th place. That doesn’t sound impressive until you remember that Gore has been playing for over 100 years, since before the league began. Any senior citizen who can crack the league’s top 25 list deserves some props.

** Buccaneers QB Tom Brady: Once again, the league continues to disrespect #12, leaving him off the Pro Bowl roster by nitpicking stats. Is his QB rating low? Sure (14th in the league). Are his interceptions high? Sure (Tied for 6th). But is his team winning? Kind of (they’d be the 5th seed if the playoffs started today). One of these years, the NFL is finally going to give him the recognition he deserves.

** Raiders TE Jason Witten: His impact on the field has been minimal this year — just 11 catches for 57 yds — but Monday Night Football has gotten 2,000 percent better since he left the booth. Sometimes excellence is measured in absence, not contributions.

** Dolphins S Clayton Fejedelem: Is he the best defensive back in the league? No, not even close. Is he the best special teams player in the league? No. But does he have the best name in the league? Yes. And isn’t that what the Pro Bowl is really all about, especially since they aren’t playing a real game this year?

QB: Jalen Hurts, 43.82 pts — on Mom’s bench
WR: Calvin Ridley, 21.87 pts — started by Bob
RB: David Montgomery, 28.17 pts — started by me
TE: Darren Waller, 20.50 pts — started by Mike
K: Cairo Santos, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
D: Devin White, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Exactly as I predicted back in August, Hurts takes his place atop the top performers list this week with the ninth-highest scoring performance of any week so far this season. His 338 passing TDs, 63 rushing yds and four TDs without a turnover weren’t enough to will the Eagles to a win, but they were enough to make you wonder what the hell was so wrong with Carson Wentz that he could do anything with this same offense.

In just two starts and three games of real action at the QB position, Hurts has already passed Jimmy Garoppolo (six starts), Dwayne Haskins (five starts), and Alex Smith (five starts) for total fantasy pts on the year. And if he can beat Dallas next week, I’m sure the team will build a statue for him, before proceeding to bad mouth him all season and call for his benching after one bad start next year.

Meanwhile, Titans RB Derrick Henry only had 24.03 pts this week and only leads the league in rushing by 195 yds. If he can squeeze out 321 yds in his last two games (he’s averaging 112, so that would be a stretch) he can break the 2,000 yds mark, which unlike all the passing records is still an impressive mark.

“On the wire” edition

2nd place: (tie) Denver, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -4.00 pts — on the wire

For some reason all of the fantasy football prediction machines had the 49ers defense as a solid play this week, even though their offense has looked awful and the Cowboys offense has shown signs of life. I ended up benching them in my other league in favor of Miami playing a confusing Patriots team, and it ended up being a 13-point swing in a game where I won by 17. So, that’s another point for me, and no points for the experts.

Jacksonville’s defense, the fourth worst in fantasy this season, was not started by anyone. They’re the lowest rostered defense in all of Yahoo, with less than 1 percent of all leagues having someone who picked them up. For comparison, Raiders WR Tyrell Williams, who was injured before the season and has not played a single down this year, is rostered in 2 percent of leagues.

** Texas A&M Coach Jimbo Fisher, whose team narrowly missed out on the college football championship playoffs, said before the selections were made for the top four teams in the nation that his crew deserved to be in there, even if they didn’t make their conference championship game.

“We’re 8-1 in the SEC,” Fisher said. “We lost to the No. 1 team in the country. I want to see somebody else go 8-1 in this league.”

Well, Jimbo, you got your wish. Alabama went 10-0 in the conference this year, which, even by SEC math, is better than 8-1. Florida went 8-2, but they were also 8-1 before they played in the championship game and lost. Georgia went 7-2 but likely would have an 8th win in the conference if not for the coronavirus postponement of their game against 0-9 Vanderbilt, one of those impressive SEC wins that Texas A&M  is bragging about.

If all you’re looking for out of the college football playoffs is the answer to “who is the best team in the SEC,” we already have a tournament for that. It’s called the regular season. Sorry it didn’t work out for you.

** Former CB Aqib Talib, now a Fox football commentator, complimented Eagles QB Jalen Hurts during Sunday’s loss when he threw the ball away on a broken play: “That was a good job getting nothing on that play instead of a loss.”

I get it, and yes, it’s important to let Eagles fans know you are allowed to throw the ball away after a long season of watching Wentz eat the ball over and over again. But the phrase “good job getting nothing” is never going to sound like a real compliment. It’s really just a kinder way of saying “Way to limit your sucking.”

** Following their first win of the season on Sunday, Jets coach Adam Gase said that he was “just so happy for our guys … they’ve done such a great job with how they’ve worked.”

No, not they haven’t. That’s exactly why you were 0-13. They’ve done a terrible, terrible job all season long.

It’s college bowl season again, which always begs the question: If the NFL operated in the same way as the NCAA, who would get invited to the post-season? Here’s a look at the possibilities: 

** The Cheez-It Bowl
Was Miami vs OK State, now Green Bay vs. Maryland
You can’t have a cheese bowl without the cheeseheads, and for all we know the Maryland Football Team’s name is gonna be the DC Goudas. So it all fits the theme.

** Goodyear Cotton Bowl
Was Oklahoma vs. Florida, now Jets vs. Jacksonville
Like tires made out of cotton, neither of these teams are good for anything. So let’s make them battle for the #1 draft pick next year and see just how sad it is.

** TransPerfect Music City Bowl
Was Iowa vs. Missouri, now Tennessee vs. Pittsburgh
Organizers love to get a team with a local connection, so the Titans are a must. And the Steelers went from 11-0 to 11-3 in a blink, which seems like a transperfect record to me.

** Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Was Nevada vs. Tulane, now Cowboys vs. Raiders
Two teams that are famous for reasons that no one can remember play in a game sponsored by a product that is allegedly famous for reasons that no one can remember.

** College Football Playoff semifinal
Was Alabama vs. Notre Dame, now Kansas City vs. Alabama
Somehow, even when they aren’t really eligible, Alabama always ends up in these games.

Mercifully, we're almost at the end of the season. But before we get there, we have one last epic mashup between the nexus of all evil (Cowboys) and their classic rival (the remains of what was once the Eagles) in a showdown that will define their place in the NFC East. And this sentence tells it all, twice: 

The Eagles-Cowboys tilt Sunday will decide the last place finisher
** Cynic: eh, either way, it’s all bad. Two sets of dung piles. I elect hell. 

Go ahead, check it. It's all there. 

And it's not great, folks. Just two games left. 

** Another positive week for Dad, who picked up two of three games and now sits just 10 down in our picks contest. It’s still a long haul for him to catch up, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about a two-point conversion at the moment.

** Seriously, though, the Steelers and Rams shouldn’t get to play in the postseason after those two losses.

** I’m in the championship game in my big money (also known as “more than zero dollars”) league, so you can’t depress me with the standings below. Everybody root for Lamar Jackson and Dalvin Cook next week.

Week 15 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,983.34 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,895.16 pts
3 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1,876.22 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,859.75 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,816.57 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,757.78 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D) 1,719.30 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,675.09 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,602.82 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,487.27 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,278.60 pts

This is Mike’s league right now, we’re just playing in it. He has a 100-plus-pts lead in the standings with just two weeks left, and keeps getting stronger with each game. Jeff leapfrogged me to get back into second, and Bob is lingering just on the outskirts of possibility down there in fourth. After that, it looks like playing for pride.

Speaking of pride, Mom couldn’t pull the trigger on starting Hurts this week, but she got huge points from QB Matt Ryan and the rest of her crew to pull herself towards the middle of the pack. Dad is only two behind … in the contest to see who can make the most roster moves. But I’m not sure he can win that title either.

This week, as a Christmas present to you, the fans, the NFL will have games on Friday (at 430pm) and Saturday (at 1pm, 430pm, and 815pm) and Sunday and Monday night but not Thursday but maybe Tuesday if there are problems and I don’t know anymore just set your rosters tomorrow and pray for mercy.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 14 recap

Trying to explain the Eagles’ (13th best record in the NFC coming into the game) improbable win over the Saints (best record in the NFC coming into the game) on Sunday:

** Maybe the absence of QB Drew Brees is a bigger loss for New Orleans than is has seemed in recent weeks, and Sunday was the day the offense missed him the most and the defense .. got depressed and also stunk?

** Maybe after cornering the market on terrible play all year, the NFC East began emitting bad vibes to the rest of the league in the last month, which would also explain the division’s 5-3 record over the last two weeks?

** Maybe the refs accidentally reversed the score in the fourth-quarter, and the Eagles actually lost 21-24, which would be in line with the rest of the season?

** Maybe 2020 realized that New Orleans was the one part of the country not hating every part of life right now and had to make a correction?

** Maybe with a marginally competent QB, the Eagles could have been a playoff contender this year?

QB: Lamar Jackson, 36.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Tyreek Hill, 21.97 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.97 pts — started by Paul
TE: Travis Kelce, 19.07 pts — started by Jeff
K: Rodrigo Blankenship, 14.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: (tie) LA Rams, 24.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: (tie) Maryland Football Squad, 24.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Haason Reddick, 18.50 pts — on the wire

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers had 36.90 pts, which was great because I had to redo this part of the column at the last minute on Tuesday for a whopping 0.02 pts difference. 

Maryland Football Squad DE Chase Young had an unbelievable game on Sunday: Two tackles, one sack, two passes defended, a forced fumble, a 47-yard fumble recovery touchdown. And he doesn’t make the list of top performers. That’s because Reddick, a linebacker for Arizona, had five sacks — 1-2-3-4-5 sacks — and three forced fumbles in the game against the Giants.

Titans RB Henry rushed for 215 yds on Sunday, his second 200-plus rushing game of the season, and now sits atop the league with 1,532 yds on the ground this season. He’s 180 yds ahead of the second-place rusher (Dalvin Cook) and nearly 500 yds ahead of the only other player to top 1,000 yds so far this season (Jaguars RB James Robinson, and I have no idea how we’re talking about a Jacksonville player on any top players list).

With just three games left in the season, there’s realistically only a chance for six more RBs to hit that 1,000-yds rushing mark (800 yds or more so far). Meanwhile, 10 wideouts have already passed that mark, and 12 more are within 200 yds of that mark. I’m starting to feel like it might be a passing league now…

“Loser defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Detroit, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Las Vegas, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Strong outing by the Raiders, who just a few weeks ago looked poised to upset the Chief and make the playoffs. Since losing that game by 4 pts to the defending Super Bowl champs, Las Vegas has dropped three more in a row, including a drubbing by the Colts where they recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and gave up 44 pts. They’re defense has been worth -7 fantasy pts in the last four games, and they’re now tied with the Lions for the worst fantasy total for the season, with 21 pts.

But, even with all of that, both of those teams may still have had a better game than the Jets, who played so poorly that Seattle benched its starters after reaching a 37-3 lead … with three minutes left in the third quarter. The Jets faced second- and third-stringers for the final 18 minutes of game time and still got outscored 3-0.

I’m starting to suspect that the 0-13 Jets aren’t very good.


** Buffalo RB Jaret Patterson surpassed 1,000 rushing yards in just his fifth game of the season on Saturday. During the CBS halftime show, college football analyst Rick Neuheisel noted that achievement was “the earliest anyone has ever rushed for 1,000 yards in, um, some time.”

Thanks for the insight there. Pretty much the only job of the halftime hosts is to give stats and scores. Patterson actually set a new NCAA record with those rushing totals, something that seems pretty easy for a massive operation with an entire research staff. After all, they have … (checks notes) … some millions at their disposal to look up their stuff.

** At the start of Sunday’s Dolphins-Chiefs game, CBS analyst and one-time extra-point fumbler Tony Romo listed his keys for each team to win the game. Atop the list for Miami: “Throw outside the numbers.” Atop the list for Kansas City: “Make Miami throw outside the numbers.”

Oddly enough, neither team really followed the advice and one of them still won.

** Following Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks, which made the Jets 0-13, QB Sam Darnold said he isn’t sure what his future with the team is but “I love it here. I love the people here. I've always said it, that I want to be a Jet for life.”

I can’t decide if it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or just the saddest.

Playoff clinching scenarios for week 15: 

— The Steelers win the AFC North if they defeat the Bengals on Monday night.

— The Saints can clinch the NFC South if they defeat the Chiefs on Sunday afternoon.

— The Titans can clinch the AFC South with a win over the Lions and the cancellation of the Colts final three games because of the pandemic.

— The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win over the Cardinals and the league invalidating all of the Giants and Maryland Football teams’ wins because of social distancing protocols.

— The Jets can clinch a playoff berth if the pandemic kills off at least 18 other teams.

— The Patriots can win the Super Bowl if the league cancels the season and hands them the trophy again, which, honestly, is exactly where it feels like we’re heading this year.

The Cowboys, losers of six of their last seven games and desperate for a jolt of energy, promoted CB Saivion Smith to the active roster this week to help shore up their sagging defense. Officials are hopeful his positive attitude can help ignite a spark. But remember what positive energy means to the most evil team in sports history — here’s what Smith thinks of the squad:

Dallas backup Cornerback Saivion Smith
** A crock, a sham. Bad vision, blacken lip rust

Remember, you can’t spell Saivion without “I so vain.” Or was it “I no visa.” Whatever.

** Good news for Dad: He finally won a week! The old man went 3-1 against me to drop his deficit in the season picks to a mere 12 games. Only his unrelenting faith in New Jersey teams (this time, the Giants) kept him from going 4-0. If he can keep up the current pace, he’ll draw to a tie with me in six weeks. And with how the season has gone so far, there really is no guarantee that we won’t have three extra weeks of football to make up for missed games...

** NFL owners will meet Wednesday to talk about expanding the regular season to 17 games next year. That number is seen as a potential sweet spot for teams because it would allow for two bye weeks over the course of the season, which could mean more rest for players which could mean that money money money money money money money.

** Pro Bowl voting ends on Thursday, so this is your last chance to vote for Dolphins LB Andrew Van Ginkle to make the team. Also, let me know if you need a “Ginkle makes you go Rip Van Winkle!” shirt, I may have overestimated demand for them.

Week 14 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1858.58 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1760.87 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1739.70 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1727.72 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1704.95 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1661.65 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1570.62 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1559.60 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1493.80 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1396.58 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1176.10 pts

A huge, huge week for the Garbage Bags sends my squad rocketing up the standings and leaves me out of first place by a mere … 97 pts. Ouch. Mike’s squad continues to pour it on and is now 100-plus pts clear of everyone (except me, as I just mentioned), a comfortable (but not insurmountable) lead down the stretch of the NFL season.

Jeff and Bob remain within striking distance of silver medal place. Jo and Sam are both beginning to face after some mid-season spark. Everybody else is as far back from first as they are from outrushing Derrick Henry this year.

Good news for this week: Not only is there an inconvenient Thursday night game to watch, but there are two Saturday night games as well. That’s three weirdly timed games where you can forget to set your players and lose the week before it even starts! So, remember to check those rosters early.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 13 recap

On Sunday, following the Eagles fourth straight loss, Philly QB Carson Wentz (who had been benched for poor play in the second half) was seen on the sidelines talking to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, who a few moments earlier threw the 400th TD pass of his sure-to-be Hall of Fame career. On-field microphones did not pick up details of the conversation, but our inside sources managed to get a few snippets of what they talked about:

** Rodgers: “Don’t worry about sitting on the bench. I did that for my first three years, and you have a lot of time to nap and stretch over there ...”

** Wentz: “I noticed that when your receivers weren’t open, you threw the ball over to the sidelines? Why? Aren’t you supposed to try and run through the entire defense yourself?”

** Rogers: “That Hurts guy seems OK. I mean, he looks like he has seen a football before, unlike, you know, some other people.”

** Wentz: “Hey, what’s it like having an offensive line?”

** Rodgers: “So, have you tried, like, not sucking? That might help.”

QB: Josh Allen, 38.10 pts — started by Sam
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by me
RB: David Montgomery, 23.80 pts — started by me
TE: Darren Waller, 31.83 pts — started by Mike
K: Harrison Butker, 17.50 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 36.00 pts — on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Adams and Montgomery each had a pair of TDs on Sunday, but got upstaged by Waller’s 200-yd, two-TD performance in the Raiders’ win. Through the first 11 weeks of the season, there was only one 200-yd receiving performance (Seahawks WR Tyler Lockett in week 7). Now we’ve had back-to-back weeks with one, following Chiefs WR Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous 269 in week 12.

This is the third time in the last four weeks the top defense has come from the waiver wire garbage pile. The Patriots against the Chargers managed three sacks, two turnovers, a blocked kick which turned into a TD and a punt return for another. Oh, they also pitched a shutout. New England’s defense had been worth 35 pts over its last eight games combined, so, sure I guess we should have seen that coming.

“On the bench” edition

3rd place: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, -0.40 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Tennessee, -4.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -5.00 pts — on Jo’s bench

I know I’ve written this before, but the Titans as a team are confounding this year. In their last nine weeks, their defense has been worth 9 pts or more (good!) three times and worth less than zero pts (bad!) four times. And they won one of those games when their team let up 36 pts (week 6, vs Houston). They’re s shoo-in for the playoffs and also a possible one-and-done candidate if they have an off game on the wrong postseason day. Or they could make the AFC championship game again,

Special shout-out to Wentz, who scored 4.96 fantasy pts in what may be his last start of the year. It was the fourth lowest score of all 34 QBs who took a snap this week.

** On Sunday, Phillies executive John Middleton responded to rumors the team was considering trading Pitcher Zack Wheeler by telling reporters “If they offered me Babe Ruth, I wouldn't trade him.” He then added Ted Williams and Mike Schmidt too, saying that Wheeler was not being shopped.

Look, I think Wheeler is a solid player. But if we can go back in time and get any of those three hitters, it is definitely worth considering. Wheeler has a career ERA of 3.70. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. That’s really a trade that feels one-sided in favor of the Phillies.

** ESPN’s College Football Twitter account put out this Tweet on Monday: “Justin Fields had over 300 yards of total offense on Saturday. The Buckeye QB did what he had to do to keep the Buckeyes' CFP hopes alive.”

“Did what he had to do” is an odd way of saying “scored four TDs before getting pulled in the second half of a blowout victory,” but whatever.

** There’s a new trivia game show titled “The Chase” starring Jeopardy champions Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter and James Holzhauer. It pits contestants against them head-to-head and asks “can you take them down?”

No. I mean, why would I think I could? They’re three of the top Jeopardy champs. This isn’t “are you smarter than a fifth grader?” I might be able to get those snotty kids. But these guys? No.

Actual items for sale on NFL.com right now:

Cowboys 5-Pack Set of Shatterproof Ornaments ($17.59) — These will not break, unlike the Cowboys QBs this season.

Lions Santa Gnome ($19.99) — May or may not be a candidate for Detroit’s open head coaching job.

Seahawks Holiday Team Snowman Bed Pillow ($27.99) — Helps you drift off into a gentle rest, sort of like Seattle’s playoff dreams.

Bears Holiday Snowman Plush ($19.99) — It’s as soft as the Bears’ fourth quarter defense.

Eagles Glitter Wood Stump Ornament ($7.19) — It doesn't do much, it’s not fun to look at and it costs too much.

Giants Chimney Legs Tabletop Bobble Statue ($15.99) — It’s an ornament with a pair of Santa legs sticking out of a chimney. It’s the perfect metaphor for the team: They’re both incompetent and at the top of the heap. 

Even on a team such as the Cowboys, where the wanton evil runs rampant throughout the organization every day, the long season can wear players down. That’s especially true for specialty players like kickers, who don’t have much to do most days except hone their one particular subset of football skill. So what do they think of when their minds wander, looking to fulfill exciting dreams? For Punter Hunter Niswander, there’s an easy answer:

New Dallas Cowboys P Hunter Niswander
** Lo, now a wish: Bleed scorn, punt nerds away

Good to know that even their less important players are focused on hurting people and spreading ill-will in this holiday season.

** Brutal Sunday for Dad, who lost all three of the games we picked differently and fell to 14 down in the yearly standings of our head-to-head predictions contest. And yet again, one of the losses was a heartbreaker: The Bears choking away a lead to the Lions with less than a minute to go. I don't get all the games right, but I'm killing the old man in the toss-ups this year. 

** The Cleveland Browns are likely to be the #5 seed in the AFC when the playoffs start, given that they are three games behind the Steelers in the AFC North standings. But perhaps they deserve a higher seed and someone else’s home playoff game, since they’re already 4-0 against the NFC East and 4-0 against the AFC South this season.

** If the Eagles play their cards right, they could end up tied with the Bengals again … for the third overall pick in next year’s draft. Right now, only one win separates them.


Week 13 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1,706.80 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,647.89 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1,611.20 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1,602.67 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1,595.75 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,546.35 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1,449.68 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1,424.22 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1,386.14 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 1,296.34 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,083.71 pts

Mike’s starting QB and WR were on byes this week, and it didn’t matter: He still topped 150 pts and widened his grip on first place. With just four weeks left, he has a 60-pts lead on the field.

But … another solid week from me puts my garbage team in striking distance, along with Bob, Jo and Jeff. Sam’s team is fading but not completely gone yet. Everybody else is playing for pride.

Speaking of pride, the pride and joy of the NFL — the unnecessary Thursday night game — is back again this week. Patriots vs. Rams. Get your rosters set, even if your DVR isn’t.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 12 recap

As I write this, week 12 of the football season is not over. In fact, it may never be over. The Ravens-Steelers game, originally scheduled for Thanksgiving Night, then pushed back to Sunday, then delayed until Tuesday, is now tentatively scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. The Ravens were originally scheduled to play the Cowboys this Thursday night, but now Baltimore won’t play then, unless there is another delay in the Steelers game, in which case maybe the two teams play this Thursday?

So, in an effort to bring sanity to the league, I am declaring week 12 over. All weekly payouts will be settled tonight (expect your $0 checks to arrive in the mail in five to 17 weeks). Tomorrow has been declared week 12.5, which means nothing fantasy wise, other than I will not wait to post this recap.

But to calm your concerns, I want you know that the uncertainty of this week does not in any way take the shine off of the Awesome Cup, or its legacy. In fact, it may strengthen it and make it gleam even brighter. Can the NFL’s bumbling hurt the greatest prize in all of sports? Can a few sick Ravens dim the eternal light that streams from its surface? No, of course not. The problems of mere mortals cannot harm this gift the gods of football have bestowed upon us.

So remember, no matter how dark, how confusing this season is, the Awesome Cup remains our beacon of guidance, our singular driving force to persevere through 2020. It is there for the taking, if you are strong enough. It is our hope.

And it’s also a reminder to check in during the week to see what screwiness is happening with the games next Sunday, because it’s gonna be a mess on your rosters.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 41.14 pts — started by Jo
WR: Tyreek Hill, 42.43 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 37.27 pts — started by Paul
TE: Robert Tonyan, 12.97 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Younghoe Koo, 21.00 pts — started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jeremy Chinn, 21.50 pts — on the wire

Buckle up, folks. This is wild.

First, here’s who didn’t make the top performers list: QB Patrick Mahomes, who threw for 462 yds and three TDs (5 fantasy pts behind Watson); RB Antonio Gibson, who ran for three TDs on Thanksgiving against the Cowboys (4 fantasy pts behind Henry); WR Will Fuller, who had 171 receiving and two TDs on Thanksgiving (12 pts behind Hill). Forget about Seahawks WR DW Metcalf, he had a pedestrian 10 catches for 177 yds and no TDs.

Henry rushed for 178 yds and three TDs to erase Gibson’s performance, Mahomes’ game wasn’t enough to blot out Watson’s four TDs and 318 passing, and Hill obliterated everything this week. His 13 catches for 269 yds and three TDs were the best fantasy performance by a wideout since 2000 (when Jacksonville WR Jimmy Smith had 15 catches for 291 yds and three TDs).

And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.

Atlanta came into the game against the Raiders — who had scored 30-plus points in five of their last six games — having scored only 23 defensive points in their previous 10 games. They had 31 on Sunday: five sacks, five turnovers, one defensive TD and only six pts allowed.

And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.

That belongs to Panthers CB Chinn, who had seven tackles and scored a TD on a QB fumble returned for a TD at the start of the third quarter of his team’s game against the Vikings. Then, on the next offensive play, Chinn picked up a fumble by Vikings RB Dalvin Cook and returned that for another TD.

That’s touchdowns on consecutive plays for a defensive back, the first time ever in NFL history. It put him in the top 25 of all fantasy players this week, offense or defense. And by the way, Chinn is a rookie.

“Everybody sucks” edition

3rd place: KJ Hamler, -0.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Patrick Laird, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kendall Hilton, -2.78 pts — on the wire

Five defenses scored negative points this week, including the Bears, who had a rock-bottom -6.00 pts performance. But the offenses beat them this week.

That’s because nine offensive players — NINE! — were in the fantasy red this week (and that’s before the maybe-Wednesday game is played).

Hilton, Broncos practice squad WR who was forced to play QB after the league ruled FOUR Broncos quarterbacks ineligible due to covid (but refused to postpone the game, for reasons), led the way for the worst players of the week with a miserable line of nine attempts, one completion for 13 yds, and two INTs. That’s a QB rating of 0.00, which is as bad as you can do. In his defense, he is not a QB.

Teammate and fellow WR-not-QB Hamler also got in on the fun, rushing twice for -8 yds. Titans QB Logan Woodside (who I have never heard of before this moment) knelt three times for -5 yds to end his team’s victory and score -0.50 pts. Falcons QB Matt Schaub (who made the Pro Bowl in 2009 and I thought retired the next year) similarly scored -0.40 pts. Three other wideouts and a Cleveland TE rounded out the rest of the loser list for the week.

** In 2017, when then Bengals QB Andy Dalton led a win over the Ravens in the final week of the season, Buffalo fans donated thousands to his charity as a thank-you for helping the Bills get into the playoffs with the upset win.

Earlier this year, Bills fans again donated in droves to Buffalo QB Josh Allen’s charity just days after the passing of his grandmother, a move the QB called emotionally energizing.

And on Sunday, NFL.com reported, since his Thanksgiving Day win over the Lions, Texans QB DeShaun Watson has seen thousands in donations from Detroit fans to his charity “as a show of appreciation for Watson's four-touchdown performance” against the home team.

Um, no. Following Watson’s blockbuster fantasy day and the resulting embarrassing Detroit loss, team owners fired both GM Bob Quinn and head coach Matt Patricia. Those donations aren’t “appreciation” of a good QB performance, they are a fan base saying thank-you for getting rid of incompetent managers.

The league-owned website said the new wave of generosity was “just like” the Dalton and Allen situations. Don’t sugar-coat it, NFL.com. This is a total screw-you donation, not a heartwarming story of the love of football.

** Ahead of the weekend’s games, NFL.com listed Raiders QB Derek Carr as the #8 passer in the league, with all of their fantasy experts saying he was a clear top-10 player. “If this is a prove-it year for Derek Carr, he's doing just that.”

On Sunday, Carr passed for 215 yards, threw one interception returned for a TD and fumbled away the ball three other times against that anemic Falcons defense I mentioned before.

So, yeah, he proved something.

Remember that Broncos game where the fifth-string practice-squad QB had to start? Here’s a look at the first 15 offensive plays for Denver in that game: 

Five plays, 22 yds, punt
Three plays, -2 yds, punt
Three plays, 6 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
One play, -1 yd (partial series)

That’s 26 yds on 15 plays, or slightly less than 2 yds a play. NFL analysts rightly attacked the game as a joke, saying it was unfair to refer to the Broncos as playing “professional” football given their complete lack of offensive talent.

And yet, there was another team that had an even worse opening this week:

Three plays, 5 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
Three plays, -11 yds, punt
Three plays, -4 yds, punt
Three plays, 8 yds, punt

That’s 15 plays for a total of -1 yd, a truly remarkable achievement for a team that has a former Pro Bowl QB, a former Pro Bowl center and four wideouts drafted in the first two rounds on its current roster.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present your 2020 Philadelphia Eagles. They’re scored 17 points in each of their last three games, and absolutely no one knows how it wasn’t zero each time.

The annual Cowboys Thanksgiving day game was a rare reason for celebration this year, as the Dallas team was embarrassed by the Maryland nameless squad 41-16 in front of a national audience. The result came as a surprise to many, as the home Cowboys were favored in the match up. But, naturally, it shouldn’t have been a shock, because the result was clearly spelled out in the name of the event itself:

** Cowboys traditional Thanksgiving game
It’s dog-beating TV. Choking away is normal

Please do not beat your dogs just because the Cowboys are on TV. It’s not their fault.


** Another week, another win over Dad. I went 2-1 in my picks against him, extending my season lead to 11 with just five weeks of football left. In keeping with my streak of last-second victories, I gained a point when the Vikings scored their winning TD in the final 30 seconds of their game against the Panthers. I’m pretty sure I have a losing record against the spread this year, but I’m picking winners straight up at almost a 70-percent clip.

** Good news for the Penn State crowd, who on Saturday got to see their team finally win a game this year. And even better news — since they’re 1-5, they have the six games played to qualify for the conference championship. At the rate the Big Ten is going, they may end up there by default. That’s the best kind of championship game invite!

** I’m not absolving Wentz in any way here, but the Eagles passed up reasonable second-half FG attempts in the Seattle game, the Ravens game and the Browns game. They lost the first two games by three points, the last one by five points.

There’s an alternate universe with the same bad QB play and coaching that isn’t actively bad where the Eagles are 6-4-1. There’s another with mediocre QB play and mediocre coaching where the team is 8-3.

Week 12 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1549.57 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1526.18 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1492.11 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1482.57 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1470.94 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1415.11 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1333.84 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1305.50 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1272.81 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul). 1209.38 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 994.65 pts

Big weeks for Mike (147 pts) and Bob (169 pts!) toss their teams back at the top of the standings, although it should be noted that Jo’s Pittsburgh defense could give her enough points to pass Bob again if that game ever gets played.

Similarly, Mom still has two players to go in that game, including K Justin Tucker (probably good for 6 pts?). If not, we’d have to make fun of her for barely breaking 50 pts this week, when Bob had almost that amount with just one player (Tyreek freaking Hill).

This is where I usually tell you to set your rosters early, but I don’t know when waivers are going to run, or when the next game is, or if football even counts anymore. I do know that even if the entire upcoming weekend of football is cancelled in the next few days, I’m still putting the Eagles down for a loss. Although, it may be easier for them to score points without their offense on the field.