Fantasy league 2014 -- final standings

The 2014 season is over and the Awesome Cup is all ready to be awarded for the 13th time. But, as is our special holiday tradition before the official presentation, let’s look back on the other 10 losers in the league and their disappointing failure of a year:

I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected: 2nd place, 2457.67 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1610.25 pts
NFL equivalent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I may have missed this prediction by a bit. Paul was in the mix for the championship this year until week 2 rolled around, and pretty much never challenged for anything but last place after that. He finished as far out of 10th place as 10th place finished out of 1st place. In the fantasy business, we call that “not good.” On the plus side, like the Bucs, he’s in line for a great draft pick next year. Maybe.

King Hippo (Sam)
Projected: 9th place, 2057.89 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1989.17 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Like its namesake, Sam’s team never gave up fighting. And, again, like its namesake, Sam’s team ultimately ended up in a pile of rubble in the corner of the ring. Last year’s Awesome Cup champion missed the 2000 pts mark by a hair, and earned second-last place thanks to a weak RB corps and an inconsistent Cam Newton. But this year’s failure can never diminish last year’s glory. Except, you know, for the shame he has to carry for the next eight months.

Car full of Clowneys (Joel)
Projected: 5th place, 2314.66 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 2039.28 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Joel had one of the league’s top QBs (Tom Brady), one of the top RBs (Jamaal Charles) and the top wideout (Antonio Brown). So I have no idea how he ended up so far down here. Bad coaching? Bad luck? Maybe he was playing in the AFC North where 7 wins got you last place? Or maybe Tampa RB Doug Martin is really just that much of a team killer.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected: 8th place, 2082.82 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 2039.98 pts
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Anthony grabs 8th place from Joel by 0.70 pts, thereby making me dead-on in my pre-season prediction. His team boasted one of the top TEs (Rob Gronkowski), one of the top WRs (Jordy Nelson), and the top defense (Eagles). And … that’s about it. Crappy RB play and a thin wideout bench left him down in the bottom half of the standings. Like the Bears, it looked OK on paper, but it just never worked on the field.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected: 10th place, 2039.08 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: St. Louis Rams
It has been nine years since Jeff claimed his Awesome Cup title, about the same time the Rams last made the playoffs. There hasn’t been much exciting to talk about since then for both. Unlike the Rams, however, Jeff played most of this season a defensive player short after forgetting to set his roster in week 7, which probably hurt his chances of victory. Still, playing a man down he beat six other teams, so that’s impressive in its own right. Still a failure, but impressive.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected: 4th place, 2327.88 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
Another year, another promising campaign by Bob which comes up short of the prize. He usually finishes near the top, but, like Andy Reid, can’t seem to close the deal. He missed 5th place by 3.5 pts (a lot of close contests this year) and wastes the work of the league’s top top MVP candidates, Aaron Rodgers and JJ Watt. Maybe a more aggressive name next year could help? Early suggestions: the Caine Mutineers, the African Queens, the Casablanca Play-it-Agains.

Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)
Projected: 3rd place, 2370.72 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 2188.35 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
It all looked good for most of the season, didn’t it? The Eagles were in first, I was in first, everything was clicking … and then December came. Everything fell apart, and both of our teams went from contenders to sad, sad pretenders. On the plus side, by finishing outside the top 4, I’m guaranteed not to pick last in next year’s draft. On the minus side, it’s the first time I haven’t finished in the league’s top three since 2007, which was a nice streak.

Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)
Projected: 6th place, 2144.27 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2334.16 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
If not for a fourth-quarter injury to LeVeon Bell in the final regular season game, we could be talking about Joanna returning the Awesome Cup to Fort Awesome and rubbing it in my face. Instead, she falls 13 pts short of the top spot and gets nothing but sad, disappointed stares from the rest of the household all off-season long. Just two more TDs over the course of the season could have won the title. That’s painful, until you consider...

Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)
Projected: 11th place, 1998.72 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2338.15 pts
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
… that our third place finisher landed a mere 9 pts out of first place, making these top handful of teams ridiculously close together. For Jim, the difference between winning and losing could have been a few extra FGs given up by the Arizona defense over the course of the season, or getting more than a single point from his two defensive players in week 17, or one more long pass from Andrew Luck, or or or or … It’s enough to drive you crazy. Getting a bronze medal instead of a gold by such a small margin is painful, until you consider ...

Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected: 7th place, 2108.78 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2341.72 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
… that our second place finisher landed a mere 5.16 pts out of first place, or roughly 22 thousandths of Mike’s team’s total points for the season. Or put another way: In week 10, Mike accidentally left his kicker on the bench, and missing those 12 pts cost him the championship. That’s it. One mistake, one ignored week, one coaching lapse and the championship is lost. Mike fielded an awesome team, collected more than 2300 pts, fell a hair short and gets the title of the league’s 10th loser. Fantasy football is a demanding four-month grind, not for the faint of heart. Remember that for 2016.

Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)
Projected: 1st place, 2457.68 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2346.88 pts
NFL equivalent: 2007 New York Giants
History was made this season … by me. With Dad’s victory, I have my first accurate pre-season champion prediction in the 13-year history of the league, an accomplishment that in many ways is bigger and more important than what Dad achieved. But, he deserves some credit too.

Dad bet his first round pick on Peyton Manning, eschewing the traditional early RB grab, and rode him all year long … until week 17, where he benched his star and turned to the inferior Eli Manning to bring home the title. The move meant not only shaming his favorite non-Eagle into bench duty but also rooting against his own Philadelphia roots, as he needed all of Eli’s 429 passing yards to pass Mike and win the title.

Sometimes championships require moral sacrifices, and I can’t think of anything more morally corrupt than believing that Eli “turnover” Manning can lead you to a respectable championship. But it worked for the Giants in 2007, and it worked for Stewie Griffins Head this year.

So now, Dad gets his name etched among the greats fantasy history:

As always, thanks to everyone for playing this season, and I hope to see you all back here again in August. I’m gonna pull back on this blog in the football off-season, because I feel like the non-fantasy posts are getting stale and I’m frankly running out of time to say funny things. So, we’ll see if maybe I post things every few weeks, or just around draft time, or not at all until summer camp starts up. For the last eight years, I’ve posted something here every week except for three. After 695 blog entries, this site is overdue for a few changes.

But I still plan on being back here next year every week of the NFL season for 20 more posts of triumph and ridicule, and a chance to reclaim my title from the man who shares my name. Start getting your teams ready now, because you only have eight months of preparation time left.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 17 recap

Let’s compare a few QBs:

QB #1 -- 311 attempts, 2,163 yds, 13 TDs, 10 INTs
QB #2 -- 309 attempts, 2,418 yds, 14 TDs, 11 INTs

QB #3 -- 525 attempts, 3,640 yds, 28 TDs, 18 INTs
QB #4 -- 620 attempts, 4,581 yds, 27 TDs, 21 INTs

QB #1 is Nick Foles. QB #2 is Mark Sanchez. They posted scarily similar and depressing stats for an Eagles offense that was supposed to be about explosive scoring and ball control.

QB #4 is Foles and Sanchez combined for the season. QB #3 is Jay Cutler, whose season was widely regarded as an utter failure given all the offensive weapons on the Bears. Turnover machine Eli Manning, for comparison, threw 29 TDs and only 13 INTs this season.

All of which is to say -- if you have a crappy defense, maybe next year don’t give them so many opportunities to fail.

Top performers of the season

QBs
3rd place: Peyton Manning, 391.68 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Dad)
2nd place: Aaron Rodgers, 430.64 pts -- 3rd QB drafted (Bobert)
1st place: Andrew Luck, 432.74 pts -- 5th QB drafted (Jim)
The biggest story at QB was the 4th-best fantasy passer on the year: Ben Roethlisberger, the 15th QB selected in our league draft and an afterthought in many others. Nick Foles came in at spot #29.

WRs
3rd place: Jordy Nelson, 277.77 pts -- 7th WR drafted (Ant)
2nd place: Demaryius Thomas, 287.93 pts -- 2nd WR (Jeff)
1st place: Antonio Brown, 339.68 pts -- 8th WR drafted (Joel)
Brown posted the second-most catches ever in NFL history (129) and still didn’t come close to Marvin Harrison’s record (143). Crazy, right? There is a wideout record that isn’t held by Jerry Rice.

RBs
3rd place: Matt Forte, 321.17 pts -- 3rd RB drafted (Mike)
2nd place: DeMarco Murray, 338.23 pts -- 8th RB drafted (Jeff)
1st place: LeVeon Bell, 343.53 pts -- 14th RB drafted (Joanner)
Bell rushed for 500 fewer yards than Murray but had 25 more catches, 400 more receiving yards and 5 fewer fumbles. And he also has a soul, since he’s not a Cowboy.

TEs
3rd place: Antonio Gates, 195.73 pts -- 17th TE drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Jimmy Graham, 202.77 pts -- 1st TE drafted (Sam)
1st place: Rob Gronkowski, 228.93 pts -- 3rd TE drafted (Ant)
This is the second category where I had a 4th place guy (Martellus Bennett here, Marshawn Lynch in RBs) and I almost expanded this recap just to get my name in here more often.

K
3rd place: Adam Vinatieri, 153.00 pts -- 2nd K drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Cody Parkey, 163.00 pts -- undrafted (Dad)
1st place: Stephen Gostkowski, 170.50 pts -- 1st K drafted (me)
For all the Eagles off-season soul-searching and lamenting, at least they don’t have to worry about finding a new kicker.

DEF
3rd place: Houston, 207.00 pts -- 7th DEF drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Buffalo, 211.00 pts -- undrafted (unowned)
1st place: Philadelphia, 216.00 pts -- undrafted (Ant)
Defenses just killed us this year, so much so that the second-best defense of the season ended up unowned at year’s end. On the plus side, with 11 defensive/return TDs, six blocked kicks and the second-best kicker in the league, the Eagles’ special teams were just spectacular.

D
3rd place: DeAndre Levy, 74.00 pts -- undrafted (Sam)
2nd place: Justin Houston, 84.00 pts -- undrafted (Joanner)
1st place: JJ Watt, 138.77 pts -- undrafted (Bob)
FYI, I was 4th in this category too (Luke Kuechly). The fact that JJ Watt went undrafted is an indictment of Yahoo’s screwy draft rankings.

Immediate takeaway -- nice work by us. All 11 teams are represented at one of these spots, and no one had more than three of the top players. That’s parity, folks. It’s like we’re playing in the real NFL here.

Worst performers of the year

3rd place: Matt Flynn, -1.86 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Travis Poole, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Matt Schaub, -3.72 pts -- on the wire

Hard to say who should be more embarrassed on this list, Flynn or Schaub (Poole had one rushing attempt all year and fumbled, which is just bad luck). Schaub appeared in just two games this year and threw a pick in each of them, amassing a miserable QB rating of 11.1. Flynn had a season QB rating of three times that -- 34.9 -- but totaled his sad stats of 66 yards passing and two turnovers over the course of seven games for the Packers. It’s hard to be on the field that much and not accidentally do something good just once.

Worst defense of the year honors go to Oakland, who totaled just 73 fantasy pts (4.6 pts per week) and beat out the Maryland Racial Slurs by a single point. They allowed the second-most points in the league and collected the second-fewest sacks, but they were first in the most-sucking category.


The end of a season is always a good time to go back and look at how terrible professional sports analysts are at their jobs.

Sports Illustrated picked the Broncos to beat the Saints in the Super Bowl, which would be an easy task for Denver if they found a way to face the 7-9 homebound New Orleans squad in this year’s championship. SI’s predictions actually missed on four of the six NFC playoff teams, with the Saints, Eagles, Bears and 49ers all missing the post-season.

Fox Sports’ Joel Beall predicted the Packers would beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl, but in the same column named Toby Gerhart the “steal” of this year’s fantasy draft (54th best RB in our league), said Browns WR Jordan Cameron would get 1,200 yards receiving (he had 424) and called Russell Wilson overrated.

ESPN’s consensus pick had the 49ers losing to the Broncos in the Super Bowl. Fifteen of their 16 experts picked the Eagles to win the NFC East. The only one who didn’t was Bill Barnwell, who picked the eventual 4-12 DC squad to win the division. Herm Edwards picked Tampa Bay to make the Super Bowl, which -- now that they finished last in the league -- is as wrong as you can possibly be.

Your guide to watching this year’s NFL playoffs:

** Cardinals at Panthers: See a third-string QB take on a Carolina squad that posted a 1-5-1 record against teams with a winning record. Post-season excitement!
** Ravens at Steelers: A rare playoff rivalry game between two AFC North Division foes. Let the hatred flow through you.
** Bengals at Colts: Which mediocre AFC playoff team can choke faster? It’s been 24 years since Cincinnati saw a playoff win, but they Colts haven’t beaten a decent opponent since October (when they shut out the Bengals).
** Lions at Cowboys: A despicable gray and blue team squares off in Dallas against a despicable gray and blue team.

Bye weeks: Seahawks, Packers, Patriots, Broncos -- three fan bases with recent Super Bowl wins and Petyon Manning and his entourage of fawning fans.

Here’s hoping for a Panthers/Bengals Super Bowl, just because.


Dallas finished its season 12-4 and will host the Lions next week in a home playoff contest, only the second Cowboys playoff game to be held in Jerry Jones new stadium of debauchery. A lot of pundits are picking the NFC East champions to go deep in the playoffs, based on their strong running attack and solid offensive line. But, the linemen themselves may not share the same opinion. Consider OT Jermey Parnell…

Dallas Cowboys Right Offensive Tackle Jermey Parnell
Team jelling? BS. Clever lad errs, playoff choke on its way.

Oh, Jeremey, we hope you’re right. It’s gonna be tough to look ahead to 2015 if it starts with a Dallas playoff win.

Of course, “Dallas starts year 2015” anagrams to “Dallas 2 start 0-15. Yes! Ra!” so maybe we can cling to that for next season.


** I went 3-2 against Dad on the picks this week, not good enough to overcome my four-game deficit in our yearly picks. He finished the season 166-89, correctly predicting 65% of the league’s games. That would put him 7th on ESPN’s panel of 14 football experts. But keep in mind that he gets paid millions less than they do for the exact same insight, and he only needs about five minutes of prep time to compile his picks.

It’s Dad’s third consecutive victory in our regular season picks, a contest so one-sided it could be a Broncos-Raiders game. But until he wins an Awesome Cup, he really can’t claim to know anything about football.

** Speaking of football, there’s still one game left to care about! Don’t forget to watch Ohio State against Alabama in the college football playoff on Thursday. Then, if the Buckeyes lose, you don’t have to watch any more football until August.

** Seriously, fantasy baseball? What the hell are we gonna do for eight months?


The final 2014 standings -- and the awarding of the Awesome Cup -- will take place on Tuesday.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 16 recap

 

Here’s a look at the upcoming dates of note for Philadelphia’s sports fans, now that the Eagles just choked away a chance at getting one team in the playoffs in 2014.

** Jan 30 -- Wing Bowl 23. This may be the only day of the next 10 weeks where local sports radio isn’t complaining about the Eagles.
** Feb 20 -- Phillies spring training begins. This may be the last day in 2015 the team is at or above .500.
** April 13 -- NHL playoffs begin. If the Flyers can grab a post-season spot, it will be only the third playoff appearance by a major Philly sports team in four years.
** April 18 -- NBA playoffs begin. The Sixers will not be participating.
** April 30 -- NFL draft. Thanks to their high-but-not-high-enough win total, the Eagles will likely pick 20th, the worst of any non-playoff team.
** May 1 - Nov 14 -- Nothing, really.
** Nov 15: Week 11 of the 2015 NFL season. If the Eagles have 7 wins or more, they might be worth believing in then. Maybe.

Coming next week: Our 2016 Philadelphia sports fans schedule, where the faithful can dream of having two local teams make the playoffs. Maybe.

QB: Russell Wilson, 40.36 pts -- started by Joanner
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 29.66 pts -- started by Dad
RB: C.J. Anderson, 25.97 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Antonio Gates, 25.13 pts -- started by Paul
K: Randy Bullock, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 22.00 pts -- started by Paul
D: Antoine Bethea, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Paul gave up on his fantasy team months ago, but his team didn’t give up on him. He had two top performers for the week and saw his squad post 120 pts, the first time he has broken triple digits since week 5. It’s been a rough season...

“More defenses” edition
3rd place: St. Louis, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -3.00 pts -- started by Sam
1st place: Arizona, -5.00 pts -- started by Jim

Combined with Dad’s zero pts from the Minnesota D, we had three coaches start defenses that totaled -8.00 pts. That’s bad. Not like Eagles secondary bad, but bad.


When the Panthers eked out a victory over the Browns on Sunday, the Carolina radio crew announced that the NFC South title would come down to next week’s finale against the Atlanta Falcons (in Hotlanta). “What a crazy season, and it’s only fitting that a spot in the playoffs would come down to the final week.”

“Fitting” was not the first word that came to my mind. “Pathetic,” “ridiculous,” and “unfair” hopped in there first.

The final game pits the 6-8-1 Panthers against the 6-9 Falcons for a guaranteed home game. Meanwhile, the Eagles -- who beat the Panthers by 24 points and will finish no worse than two games ahead of them in the standings -- are already making their golf plans for January.

So, don’t try and feed me that one of these teams falling backwards into the playoffs is “fitting.” Infuriating, perhaps. An affront to decency and the Christmas spirit, sure. But not “fitting.”

What some of your favorite NFL notables are asking for this Christmas:

** Peyton Manning -- A brand new football, preferably one of those kinds that used to fly all the way into the end zone for him.
** Bradley Fletcher -- A chainsaw on a pole, so maybe he could defend one of those passes he’s always way out of position on.
** Bill Belichick -- A chalice of puppy blood, just like the one he drinks every morning.
** Tony Romo -- The Cowboys second playoff win of the last 19 years. The only other one came in 2009.
** Joe Flacco -- A time machine, to go back a few years to when he was good.
** Roger Goodell -- Three french hens, two turtle doves, and one week without a controversy.
** JJ Watt -- Red meat. Or at least one more person to hit today.

The Eagles’ impressive choke job down the stretch handed the division title to the Dallas Cowboys for the first time in five years (and only the third time in the last 17 years). It’s a proud week for the spawns of Satan, but what does that playoff berth and NFC East championship really mean? Just look at the words, my friends.

Dallas Cowboys grab their eighteenth NFC East crown
** Bench has a lone, crying fact: the world gets a bit worse

It’s all fun and games until you realize Dallas gets to call the year a success, which means mankind has failed once again.
   
** One week left, down four to Dad. I’m not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet, but I’m gonna need a lot of help.

** Despite the craziness each week this year, only two playoff spots are up for grabs in the final week of the season. Either the Panthers or Falcons get the last open NFC spot, and the Chargers-Ravens-Texans-Chiefs can get the last AFC spot. And yet none of the NFC playoff seeding is set, and only the Patriots (#1 seed overall) are set in the AFC. Weird year.

** Seriously, though, what the hell are we gonna watch for the next 10 months? Ugh. Fantasy baseball league to distract ourselves? Anyone else wanna volunteer for 25 weekly recaps?

I'm not serious. I don't think. Maybe, though? We'd need 8 people for a league...

Week 16 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 2248.82 pts
2 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 2225.01 pts
3 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 2212.91 pts
4 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 2198.42 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 2064.25 pts
6 --- Tickle me Romo --- 2054.68 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1954.40 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1916.81 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1895.68 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 1879.64 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1509.25 pts

The top of the league is clear: Mike has a solid but unspectacular lead heading into the final weekend, but Dad, Joanna and Jim still have a shot at getting their name on the Awesome Cup.

So, since we’ll be focusing on the winner after next week, let’s look at what’s at stake for the rest of the league. Paul has last place locked up, but Sam, Joel, and Ant are all in a vicious fight to see who’s team is terrible and which one is truly, truly terrible. Jeff has the 7 spot all but guaranteed, and Bob and I are in a fierce battle to see who should be more disappointed with finishing outside the top four.

Ten losers will be crowned one week from today. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 15 recap

 

Since the NFL expanded its playoff field to six teams in 1990, only nine teams have managed to post double-digit wins and not make the post-season. The record goes to the 2008 Patriots, who managed 11 wins without qualifying for January games.

But the 2014 Eagles have an excellent chance of matching that, after Sunday’s brutal loss to the Cowboys. Philadelphia currently sits in 7th place, just a game behind the Packers, Seahawks, Lions and Cowboys. But of those four squads, the only team they can win tiebreakers over is the Cowboys (which would also give them the NFC East title). A tie with any of the rest means a trip to the golf course instead of the Super Bowl road.

But that’s not all! Of the nine teams that missed the playoffs despite double-digit wins, none have repeated that feat. But the Eagles, who missed the 1991 playoffs with a 10-6 record, could be the first.

And the Eagles have an outside shot of boasting the highest-scoring offense in the league and not getting a post-season invite. They’re currently in fourth, but a mere 26 points behind the first-place Patriots.

Kinda makes that 4th-quarter goal-line failure against the 49ers in week 4 hurt a lot more, doesn’t it?

QB: Drew Brees, 33.20 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 38.41 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Jeremy Hill, 28.07 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Greg Olsen, 17.33 pts -- started by Dad
K: Connor Barth, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 27.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
D: William Gay, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

With the exception of Brees, I’m not sure any of these players were on the top 20 list at their position at the start of the year...

It’s not often that a wideout is the top scorer on the week, but a three-TD, 12-catch, 143-yard performance against the Maryland Racial Slurs will do that for you. Beckham actually accounted for 50 percent of the Giants’ offense in the game and 75 percent of the team’s points on the day.

Man, that guy is gonna be great when they pair him with a good QB.


“Just bad” edition

3rd place: Kyle Juszczyk, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Philadelphia, -1.00 pts -- started by Ant
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts -- on my bench

Skipping right over the awful, awful, awful Eagles defensive performance this week...

Juszczyk, the backup FB/RB for the Ravens, might have the worst anagramming name in the history of the NFL. Seriously. Two z’s and a ck? Ugh. Best one I could come up with for “Ravens’ back Kyle Juszczyk” was “Very balky neck, jazz sucks.” Hope doesn’t get traded to New Orleans with an attitude like that.


In case you missed the schedule this week, NFL network will be showing two games this week. The first will be Thursday Night Football, featuring the Titans and Jaguars (loser gets the #1 draft pick, most likely).

Then, two days later, the Eagles and Maryland Racial Slurs square off at 430pm in “a special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football.” Not “Saturday Night Football.” That would be absurd.

I’ve complained in past years about NFL Network declaring Saturday nights a special edition of Thursday night, instead of, you know, a weekend night. But this year’s special “Thursday night” occurs neither on Thursday nor at night, since the game starts at 430 in the afternoon.

The next logical step is for the network to go even further next year, and get rid of the football as well. Start calling movie marathons of “Happy Gilmore” at 3am on Tuesday the new special edition of Thursday Night Football. Or ice skating. Or simply press conferences with Roger Goodell. Feel the excitement!

So, with that special Thursday/Saturday game and the actual Thursday game, NFL will have games on four of the next six nights. But, if you know the professional football powers-that-be, that’s just not enough attention. Here’s their proposed weekly schedule for next year:

** Tuesday Night Football: Analysts take Monday morning quarterbacking a step further, offering how criticism of the previous day’s NFL analysis by sportswriters.
** Wednesday Night Football: Three hours of an empty stadium, with close ups of the grass growing.
** Friday Night Football: Updated video each week of Tim Tebow making phone calls to pro teams, begging for one more chance.
** Saturday Night Football: Live feeds of NFL scouts watching college games and talking about how much more fun those players will be in the pros.
** All week: ESPN to expand it’s weekly NFL-focused programming from 1,700 hours to 1,701 hours.


Tough break for the Cowboys, who won on Sunday but lost the league’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray, to a broken hand. They’ll have to turn to a committee of Lance Dunbar and Joseph Randle to finish out the season. We’ve already anagrammed Dubar before (worth rechecking for the “unbalanced boob” joke), but what about Randle? What does he think of the Cowboys makeshift running game?

Dallas running back Joseph Randle
** Gnarled saps churn. A bland joke, nil.

Remember -- a Cowboys loss and two Eagles wins gives them the division. So, here’s hoping the Colts bring their A game.


** Down three to Dad, and my faith in the Titans will never return. Never. Except maybe this week against the Jaguars.

** Seriously, Colts. Do your stinking job and help Philadelphia out.

Week 15 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 2114.17 pts
2 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 2111.30 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 2094.78 pts
4 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 2074.09 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1937.09 pts
6 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1924.37 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1826.21 pts
8 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1789.76 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 1775.80 pts
10 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1768.64 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1389.08 pts

Now we’re talking. Another lead change in the league, and four squads within 40 pts of the lead with just two weeks left to play.

Mike left the country this week (not forever) but left behind the top-scoring effort of the weekend. Dad’s Peyton Manning-led squad is starting to show its age, with only one passing TD the last two weeks. Jim is holding tight, and I have no explanation how Joanna has climbed up that close.

Everyone else, enjoy the show. One of these four will be your brand new Awesome Cup champion.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 14 recap

 

I like to keep this recap focused on football issues for the most part, but there’s a current team tanking so badly in the NBA that I wanted to deviate from the norm to discuss my disgust.

This team went into the season with a roster that everyone knew would not be competitive, made no real substantial change from last year’s disastrous campaign, and appears to be content to let its fans suffer for now with only the promise of vague hope for the future. At some point, that’s not good enough. You can’t expect even your most loyal backers to show up every year and foot the bill for poor strategy and substandard play. They’re already double-digit games out of first place, for the love of gawd.

It’s embarrassing, not only for those fans but for the whole NBA. The draft strategy of “lose a lot now, hope for a windfall later” cheapens competitive balance, and waters down the whole product. Why watch any regular season games with this team, even if you’re rooting for the opponent?

It’s a joke, and the league needs to come down hard on the owners and managers involved in this farce.

That’s why I hope NBA executives and the media continue to call out the 4-18 New York Knicks for tanking this season in the hopes of a lottery pick, all the while claiming they’re rebuilding for the future. I hope karma keeps them from getting a high draft pick, and other teams learn that trying to lose only makes you a loser organization. Honesty is the most important policy.

Wait, people are mad at the 2-18 Sixers for this? Why? At least they’re being honest, saying the system sucks and rewards teams that tank. They’re not lying about trying to win like the Knicks.

QB: Cam Newton, 41.34 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Julio Jones, 34.27 pts -- started by Jo
RB: LeVeon Bell, 45.83 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Martellus Bennett, 23.60 pts -- started by me
K: Josh Brown, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: St. Louis, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Sheldon Richardson, 14.50 pts -- started by Joel

Poor Rams. Second week in a row that they’re the top defense, and still no one wants to pick them up…

In fact, the Rams are the #3 defense for the year, but are still unloved in the league. Granted, 69 pts in two weeks will shoot you up the chart pretty quickly. But it’s more evidence that we’re still not doing a great job getting our act together on the non-offense side of the ball.

“Worst of the worst” edition
3rd place: Chicago, -5.00 pts -- on Bobert’s bench
1st place (tie): Cincinnati, -6.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): New Orleans, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

Meanwhile, two defenses bottomed out this week, allowing 35-plus pts and recording no sacks/turnovers/success. New Orleans now boasts the lowest fantasy scoring defense in the league, and yet still sits in a tie for first place in the NFC South (at 5-8). And Atlanta’s loss Monday night guarantees the division will not have a champion with a winning record at year’s end. So a 12-win wild card team could end up on the road against a 7-9 squad, because life isn’t fair.


I know I’ve complained about this before, but…

Every week, Yahoo has a pre-weekend list of “fantasy lames” who owners should consider benching because of their anticipated poor play. Every week, it’s a joke. This week’s list included Jamaal Charles (5th best RB on the week), TY Hilton (3rd best WR on the week), and Greg Olsen (2nd best TE on the week), all of whom were labeled unstartable.

But that’s not even the stupid part. Who in the middle of their fantasy playoffs is going to bench Jamaal Charles, the #2 overall pick in most fantasy drafts this year? Who do you have to replace him? Same for TY Hilton, who is the #1 WR option on nearly every fantasy team he’s on. Do these people think I usually keep top-scoring players on my bench that can step in and replace his expected output?

If you are trying to decided each week whether to which of the five fantasy players in the league to put on your bench because of your wealth of great players, you don’t need fantasy advice. You need to get on a plane to Vegas, to put that ridiculous luck to good use.

Peyton Manning had a miserable day on Sunday, throwing for 173 yards and two INTs … no touchdowns for the first time in his last 51 games. Here’s what has happened in the NFL since that impressive streak began, in late November 2010:

** Peyton Manning threw 145 TD passes.
** The Chiefs went from a division leader to a joke and back to a playoff team.
** Robert Griffin was drafted, named NFL offensive rookie of the year, got injured, came back, and lost his starting job to a free-agent cast-off.
** The Raiders won 21 games … and lost 45.
** The Browns have started eight different QBs.
** Tom Brady threw a TD pass in 52 straight games. Just saying.


One again, this time with meaning … The Eagles and Cowboys square off this week with the division title on the line. A win almost guarantees a playoff berth for one of the teams, and a loss all but ends the other’s realistic chances.

Luckily for us, the whole thing is already written out in the contest summary itself:

Big Dallas/Philly NFC East rematch game this Sunday
** Eagles DL dims Blue Star again. I chant: “Fly, thy champs”

Remember, you can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Let’s keep it that way.


** I’m two games down to Dad in the weekly picks because I hate the Giants soooo much.

** Seriously, the loser of the Eagles/Cowboys game could end up 11-5 and miss the playoffs. That super sucks … unless it’s the Cowboys.

** Ohio State made the college football playoffs because I give up nothing makes sense anymore.

Week 14 standings

1 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1990.67 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1983.27pts
3 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1969.31 pts
4 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1931.26 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1853.95 pts
6 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1820.91 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1705.78 pts
8 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1676.45 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 1670.01 pts
10 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1665.02 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1300.39 pts

It’s still a three-team race at the top of the league, but don’t sleep on Joanner and her Chip Kelly inspired attack. She rang up 218 pts this week, the league’s third consecutive 200-plus pts week and the second-highest single-week score in league history (Sam had a 223 pts week last year). She now sits just 59 pts out of first, within striking distance of Dad’s tenuous first-place perch.

But I think the important thing to note is that I made the playoffs in both of my pay leagues…

Fantasy League 2014 -- week 13 recap

 

Thursday night's big win by the Eagles wasn't the biggest win in franchise history, but it may have been part of the most enjoyable NFL weekend for Philly fans in memory. Consider:

-- The Eagles won on a national holiday, in convincing fashion.
-- The Cowboys lost on a national holiday, in convincing fashion.
-- The Giants jumped out to a 21-point lead on Sunday, only to lose by one point to the lowly Jaguars.
-- The Maryland Racial Slurs were embarrassed by the Colts in a game where DeSean Jackson hurt his shin.
-- The Cardinals (former NFC East foes) lost, opening up a chance for an Eagles first-round playoff bye.
-- The Patriots and Raiders (the two teams that beat the Eagles in their Super Bowls) both lost.
-- The Steelers (cross-state pseudo rivals) lost.

I'm not sure if Michael Irvin was indicted on treason charges this weekend, or if Brian Dawkins won the lottery, but there isn't much more that could have gone right.

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 51.32 pts -- on the wire
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 36.87 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Tre Mason, 35.83 pts -- on Dad’s bench
TE: Coby Fleener, 24.47 pts -- on Dad’s bench
K: Matt Bryant, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: St. Louis, 37.00 pts -- on the wire
D: JJ Watt, 16.57 pts -- started by Bobert

I was wondering before I complied these if we had started any of the top performers this week. Thanks a lot, Bob and Joel, for ruining that chance at perfection.

Weird week. St. Louis and Houston produced most of the top fantasy players for the weekend, led by JJ Watt and his fifth TD of the year (two defensive, three offensive). He’s tied with TY Hilton and DeSean Jackson for TDs on the season and ahead of notables like LeSean McCoy, Jason Witten and Larry Fitzgerald. Not bad for someone who plays 98 percent of his snaps on the non-scoring side of the ball.

FYI, the top scoring kicker in the league now is Cody Parkey. Just saying.

“Skill players ” edition
3rd place: Tom Savage, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Damaris Johnson, -0.70 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Matt Schaub, -1.72 pts -- on the wire

Raise your hand if you knew that Tom Savage was the backup QB on the Texans. Now put your hand down, you liar.

Meanwhile, former Texans QB, now Raiders QB Matt Schaub threw for 57 yards, turned the ball over twice, and lost by 52 points. It goes without saying that your were a better QB than him this week.


At halftime of the Iowa/Nebraska tilt on Friday, ABC's sideline reporter rushed to Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz to ask his analysis of the team's 10-7 halftime lead: "Outside of turnovers, what has been the key to the game so far?"

Ferentz looked at him like he was insane. "Turnovers have been the game!"

At that point, Iowa had turned the ball over four times and Nebraska twice. Three of those takeaways came when a team was in scoring range. Both TDs came off turnovers.

The sideline idiot might as well have asked, "Aside from the game, what's been the key to the game?"

In case you missed last week’s Marshall/Western Kentucky C-USA contest, here’s some highlights:

-- Marshall’s Rakeem Cato passed for 417 yards and 7 TDs … and lost.

-- Western Kentucky’s Brandon Doughty passed for 491 yards and 8 TDs. (FYI, that’s not an NCAA record).

-- The two teams combined for 1,446 yards of offense. Both teams had an RB over 230 yards and two wideouts over 110 yards.

-- Marshall scored 42 points in the first half alone. Western Kentucky scored 49 in those two same quarters.

-- Marshall was undefeated coming into the game, but Western Kentucky won 67-66 by scoring a two-point conversion after an overtime TD.

Western Kentucky DB Branden Leston had three INTs in the game, and he doesn’t even get mentioned in the highlights. That’s a hell of a game.


In case you didn’t catch the Eagles/Cowboys game on Thanksgiving, it was pretty much a bloodbath. The Eagles dominated nearly every facet of the game and lead for more than 55 minutes of the contest. But that didn’t stop Cowboys top wideout Dez Bryant from complaining after the game that the Birds’ DBs were playing “kinda cheap” and that he’ll be ready for revenge in two weeks.

Of course, that’s what he said, but clearly not what he meant. Just look at what his complaints spell out:

Dallas Cowboys WR Bryant said Eagles team was being kinda cheap
** Wa wa. Whiny loser plays bad, begs and cries. No game. A tidal setback.

Tony Romo also tried to talk about Bryant’s play after the game, but every time he threw another complaint out there, the Eagles defense intercepted the comment.


** Picked up one more on Dad, putting me just a game behind for the season. I'm like the Dolphins, always hanging around but never actually making the playoffs.

** Four weeks left in the season, and only one team can clinch a playoff spot this weekend. If the Colts win and the Texans lose, Indianapolis punches its ticket to the post-season. But that’s it. 12 AFC teams and 11 NFC teams still have post-season hopes.

And at least half of the 12 playoff spots could come down to the final game of the season. Gotta love parity.

Week 13 standings

1 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1853.64 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1853.34 pts
3 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1827.69 pts
4 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1712.98 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1709.16 pts
6 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1707.32 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1599.16 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1543.03 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1539.39 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 1537.62 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1218.72 pts

Forget the Dolphins -- I'm more like the Cardinals, quickly moving from atop the league to out of contention (just give Arizona two more weeks, trust me). I've fallen from first to mid-league in record time, while the top three keep getting better. Jim followed Dad's 200-pts performance last week with his own 200-plus show this week. Mike is hanging in medal position. Even Joanna is making a move up, and she's still pining for Nick Foles.

And only 0.30 pts between first and second! That’s fun. If one of Jim’s players had just broken off a five-yard run…

Just a quarter of the season left. If you've got any trick plays, it's time to break them out.