Fantasy League 2014 -- week 12 recap

What some of NFL notables are thankful for this season:

** Roger Goodell: That no running backs have committed a felony so far this week.
** Eli Manning: That Blake Bortles throws interceptions even faster than he does.
** Detroit Lions: That Oakland’s win keeps them in the record books, even if it’s as the only 0-16 team in NFL history.
** Nick Foles: That Mark Sanchez will never be able to live down that butt fumble.
** Tom Brady: That the devil re-upped his contract mid-season, instead of waiting until the end of the year.
** Cleveland Browns: That the Ohio State Buckeyes have been secretly playing for them on Sundays this year.
** Peyton Manning: That the super glue holding his neck together is still holding on.
** Robert Griffin: That no matter how bad it gets, he still doesn’t look as dopey as Eli.

QB: Peyton Manning, 36.08 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Demaryius Thomas, 33.80 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Justin Forsett, 32.73 pts -- on Sam’s bench
TE: Jimmy Graham, 21.13 pts -- started by Sam
K: Cody Parkey, 21.00 pts -- started by Dad
DEF: Buffalo, 29.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Janoris Jenkins, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Denver/Denver in the top two top performer slots. Yeah, I’m sick of it too.

But how about that Cody Parkey? His 19 points this weekend (5 FGs, 4 XPs) were better than 8 teams’ totals (and equaled the Seahawks output) and made him the third-best fantasy kicker of the year so far. Not bad for a guy who showed up the last week of training camp.

In related news Alex Henery still only has one FG made this season.

“More bad defenses” edition
3rd place: Miami, -3.00 pts -- on my bench
2nd place: Denver, -3.00 pts -- started by Bobert
1st place: NY Jets, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Difference between the Jets defense and their Monday opponents, the Buffalo defense? a mere 34 fantasy pts. And 35 actual pts on the scoreboard.

Top fantasy defense on the year so far? That would be those pesky Philadelphia Eagles and their 10 return TDs (and five blocked kicks) with 174 fantasy pts. The worst? Those Jets again, who are worth almost four times less (47 pts) than the birds.


The Atlanta Falcons were favored in Vegas against the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, because the Falcons were a first-place team and the Browns only second in their division.

Of course, that ignores that the Falcons were 4-6 coming into the game and the Browns 6-4, but who am I to argue with Vegas betting lines?

Browns won the game, by the way.

With five weeks left in the season, here’s a few of the stranger things that could happen in the NFL this season:

-- The NFC could send a sub-.500 team to the playoffs and leave an 11-win team at home.
** The conference has a 9-win team, three 8-win teams and three 7-win teams. Two of them won’t make the post-season, and the NFC South winner (where all the teams have losing records) will get a home playoff game.

-- Demarco Murray could rush for 2,000 yards, and win the rushing title by 600 yards.
** He’s on pace for 1,970 yards right now, and no one else in the league is on pace for more than 1,400.

-- Peyton Manning could throw for 50 TDs and not win the MVP.
** Aaron Rodgers is on pace for 44 TDs but has only thrown 3 INTs on the season, six fewer than Peyton. Rodgers has 186 more rushing yds than Peyton too. Both of their teams are 8-3.

-- 25 wideouts could eclipse 1,000 receiving yds this year.
** The league had 24 last season, but could surpass that if this crop of WRs keep up their current paces. It would be the most in over a decade.

-- The Chiefs could have no long touchdown plays this year.
** Through 11 games, Kansas City has zero TD plays of 40 yds or more.


Huge game for the Cowpokes and Eagles on Thursday, as the winner essentially gets a two-game lead in the NFC East standings and the loser gets cold, spoiling leftovers. But clearly the outcome has already been decided, anagram style:

Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving Day
** Thy vow: Damn lying sacks go bad, lose again

Philadelphia Eagles game on Thanksgiving Day
** A glad tiding: Evil men’s play has age peak, no high

There you go: Evil boys lose, noble Eagles prevail. Enjoy your turkey with a side of Dallas tears.


** Dad regained his footing, gained one more game in our weekly standings. He’s now up two for the season, but this is one of our closest contests in years. That’ll make it all the more painful when I choke down the stretch.

** Three Thursday games this week, so remember to set your rosters tomorrow night. You’re gonna be snowed in anyway...

Week 12 standings

1 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1719.12 pts
2 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1687.95 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1647.01 pts
4 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1625.30 pts
5 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1558.56 pts
6 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1553.55 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1478.05 pts
8 --- king hippo --- 1438.19 pts
9 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1416.52 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1408.49 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1130.35 pts

Huge, huge week for Dad, who topped the rarely-seen 200-pts barrier this week to vault comfortably into first place. My squad dropped out of the top three for the first time all season, slipping dangerously toward Joanna territory, down in the middle muck of the league.

It’s worth noting that Dad also has all but wrapped up the league title for most roster moves. He’s already got 37 -- second place is myself and Ant, with less than half that total. But if Bill Belichick has taught us anything over the years, it’s that loyalty doesn’t win you championships, ruthless personnel moves do.

Let that be a lesson to you -- “Team” is just another way to spell “meat.”

Fantasy League 2014 -- week 11 recap

 

How to tell if your team is in the middle of the blowout:

** The opposing QB has thrown for 150 yards … in the first 12 minutes (Aaron Rodgers = 341 yards in 3 quarters).

** You QB has created as many scores for the opponents as he has for your team (Mark Sanchez = 2 TD passes, 1 INT returned for a TD, 1 fumble returned for a TD).

** Their team has two 100 yard wideouts … and the 4th quarter just started (Randall Cobb = 129 yards, Jordy Nelson = 109 with 10 mins left in the game)

** The opposing QB’s longest run is longer than your starting RB’s best effort (Rodgers = 16 yards, LeSean McCoy = 13 yards).

** Your team is down 24 pts … at the half (30-6).

** The game ended two days ago, and the Packers just scored again (Bradley Fletcher just let up another long TD, now it’s 60-20)


QB: Aaron Rodgers, 34.84 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Mike Evans, 32,93 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Jonas Gray, 43.90 pts -- on the wire
TE: Coby Fleener, 17.10 pts -- on the wire
K: Greg Zuerlein, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: JJ Watt, 15.13 pts -- started by Bobert

Hey, anybody need some players? There are a lot of good ones on the waiver wire this week...

Gray, the Patriots RB, had 131 yards and no TDs on his career (3 games) coming into Sunday’s game. So, naturally, he rushes for 4 scores, something that has only been done 57 other times in league history.

Of course, his effort was pathetic compared to that of Wisconsin RB Melvin Gordon, who dropped a 4-TD, 408-yard performance on Nebraska a day earlier (worth 64.8 pts for those of you playing fantasy NCAA). That’s a new single-game college record. For comparison’s sake, 408 yards is a long way. Like, really far.

“Sam’s bench” edition
3rd place: Delanie Walker, 0.00 pts -- on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Ben Tate, -0.90 pts -- on Sam’s bench
1st place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts -- on Sam’s bench

Not on the loser list: Giants QB Eli Manning, despite his 5 INT performance on Sunday (he ended up with 7.2 fantasy pts anyway). His errors not only killed any chance of a New York upset win, but also gave the lesser Manning over 200 turnovers for his career, and impressive mark of incompetence for a professional NFLer (Peyton has over 250, but also roughly 3,500 more pass attempts and 274 more TD passes).

Eli hasn’t missed a start since the 2005 opener, and hasn’t thrown fewer than 10 INTs in a season once. Three times he topped 20 picks, and now twice thrown 5 or more picks in a single game.

And, for the record, you were a better QB than him on Sunday, when he posted a 36.6 rating (throwing on ball into the ground gives you a 39.6 rating). But you don’t have two Super Bowl rings like he does, because the world is unfair.


During the radio broadcast of the Ohio State/Minnesota game Saturday, sideline reporter Jim Karsatos kept confusing the word “takeaways” with “takeovers,” noting that the Buckeyes were letting the Golden Gophers hang around with all those “takeovers” on offense.

And, frankly, if your offense keeps getting scooped up in a hostile business merger, then it is hard to stay focused on winning a football game.

** How the 2-8 Jets can still make the playoffs
-- Win their remaining 6 games.
-- Have the Patriots lose their last six.
-- Have the Dolphins go 1-5, beating only the Patriots.
-- Have the Bills go 2-4, beating the Patriots.
-- Then the Jets, at 8-8, would win the AFC North in tiebreakers over New England.

** How the 1-9 Jaguars can still make the playoffs
-- Win their remaining 6 games.
-- Have the Colts lose their last six.
-- Have the Texans go 1-5, beating only the Colts.
-- Have the Titans go 3-3, beating the Colts and Texans.
-- Then the Jags, at 7-9, would win the AFC South.

** How the Buccaneers can still make the playoffs
-- Win a few games. They’re only two games out of first in the NFC South (4-6 Falcons and 4-6 Saints).


This week marked the first professional bye for the Cowboys rookies, a dangerous off stretch for young players who can easily lose their focus on keeping in a football mindset. How did they spend it? Let’s look at newbie Sterling Moore to see if the free time interrupted his preparation:

Dallas rookie defensive back Sterling Moore
** Evil training, reefer cookbook, dead ass smell

Nope, looks like he’s still in perfect Cowboys mid-season form.


** Picked up another game this week on Dad, who may never pick another Patriots game correct ever. That leaves me just one game down with six weeks left, and all the momentum behind me. I’m like Tampa Bay, just a hair away from a playoff berth ...

** Not for nothing, but the Broncos lost TE Julius Thomas, WR Emmanuel Sanders, and RB Montee Hall to injuries on Sunday. My fantasy team in this league features TE Julius Thomas, WR Emmanuel Sanders, and RB Montee Hall. So, I killed the Broncos. You’re welcome, Chargers fans.

Week 11 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1530.92 pts
2 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1516.59 pts
3 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1514.84 pts
4 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1513.62 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1461.31 pts
6 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1416.78 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1357.44 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1310.89 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 1304.58 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1283.40 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 1051.22 pts

We’ve got our own college football playoff here, with the top four in the standings just 18 pts apart. Mike grabbed the top spot this week, but a few more TDs could have put me, Dad or Jim up there just as easy. And 31 more TDs could have put Anthony in the lede…

FYI -- only 10 days until the trade deadline for the league. I don’t think we’ve had one in three years in the league, but I’m hearing Peyton Manning may go cheaps now that he has no receivers…

Fantasy League 2014 -- week 10 recap

New nickname possibilities for Mark “butt fumble” Sanchez after Monday night’s big win:

** Mark “no fumbles” Sanchez
** Mark “Jets fuel” Sanchez
** Mark “Thank you, Chip Kelly” Sanchez
** Mark “Napoleon Dynomark” Sanchez
** Mark “Not Mike Vick” Sanchez
** Mark “butt fumble, but winning” Sanchez

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 48.60 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Dez Bryant, 28.53 pts -- started by Paul
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 40.53 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 27.07 pts -- started by Sam
K: Mason Crosby, 15.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Eagles, 32.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Bradley Fletcher, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

So close to our first perfect slate of the year...

For the record, in another fantasy league I’m in, I have Rodgers, Lynch, the Eagles defense and WR Jordan Matthews (the #2 wideout on the week). They combined for 18 TDs this week and 142 fantasy pts. No other team in the league topped 140 pts. So, I had a pretty good week.

“Position players we own” edition

3rd place: Knile Davis, -0.57 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Shonn Greene, -1.50 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: Andy Dalton, -1.76 pts -- on Sam’s bench

Dalton, who threw three INTs and went 10 of 33 passing, registered a QB rating of 2.0. Somehow I feel like that’s worse than getting a zero.

On the season, Packers QB Matt Flynn still has the worst fantasy score so far, with a -2.54 pts over four appearances this season. But don’t sleep on Raiders backup QB Matt Schaub, who has attempted just one pass on the year and seen it picked off, for a -2.00 pts score. If he can just get more opportunities…


Stupidest thing I saw this week was also the week’s funniest and best indictment of football experts. NFL.com put out its Sunday injury report with the following fantasy football commentary:

** Calvin Johnson: (active) He's a must-start in all leagues because he's Calvin Johnson.
** Jimmy Graham: (active) Start him. He's Jimmy Graham.
** Aaron Rodgers: (active) You're starting him in fantasy, end of story.

You know what? That’s really all you need. Forget the hours of fantasy programming on TV. Forget the arbitrary ESPN rankings of every player at every position. Forget Yahoo’s BS projected stats for every player.

In the end, they’re all guesses, and all I need to know are which guys are healthy. And especially with these guys, who you’re starting no matter what the stats say their lifetime yards per rush average is on grass fields in 4pm games west of the Mississippi.

For the record, Yahoo’s scoring predictions for nine of my 11 position players were off by more than 5 fantasy pts. One of the ones they got right was Montee Ball, who was projected to score and did score zero pts, because he was hurt.

** On Sunday, the 49ers defeated the Saints in overtime. The win put the 49ers at 5-4, third place in the NFC West. The loss put the Saints at 4-5, first place in the NFC South.

** SMU QB Matt Davis passed for 212 yards, rushed for 181 yards, scored three TDs and lost to Tulsa 38-28 on Sunday. Tulsa’s entire team had 108 more yards than Davis alone.

** The Bears defense surrendered 49 pts in Sunday’s 55-14 loss to the Packers, but were worst 2 fantasy pts thanks to a kickoff return for TD. Tennessee gave up four fewer TDs, but were still worth only 2 fantasy pts.

** The Maryland Racial slurs are 7th in the league in yards per game, 18th in points per game. The Packers are 12th in yards per game but 5th in points per game. The DC-area team is 3-6. The Green Bay team is 6-3.

** Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger threw 12 TDs in his previous two games coming into Sunday’s contest against the Jets. He threw one TD pass in the loss. Jets QB Mike Vick had thrown 8 TDs in his previous 12 games coming into Sunday. He threw two TDs in the win.

** Eli Manning still has two Super Bowl rings.


Cowboys QBs Tony Romo and Brandon Weeden have grabbed all the headlines this year, but what about their new third-string passer? How come we don’t hear about him?

Answer: because he reveals too much about how evil the Dallas squad is. Consider:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie QB Dustin Vaughan
**Deviant squad bullish on crooks. Gob away

Cowboys Rookie Dustin Vaughan
**Sicko boon: We thud your vaginas

QB Dustin Vaughan
**Vanquish bat dung

Had to get another poop joke in there.


** Picked up another game on Dad in the weekly predictions, thanks to his misguided faith in the Bills. Just two games behind now with the heart of the season to go. I’m like the Seahawks, but with a chance of winning big this year.

** By the way, the Eagles only have two healthy passers on their active roster right now, so WR Brad Smith was the Eagles emergency QB on Monday night (and likely will be again next week). He’s got 1 TD, 2 INTs, and a QB rating of 50.4 over eight years worth of trick plays.

Eagles backup QB Matt Barkley has no TDs, 4 INTs, 3 fumbles and a QB rating of 43.8 over his two years in the league.

Might want to flip those two in the pecking order…

** There’s a Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 10 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1396.80 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1389.67 pts
3 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1386.46 pts
4 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1368.87 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1318.23 pts
6 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1272.98 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1254.74 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1205.77 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 1183.87 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1150.67 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 969.62 pts

Well well well … look who’s back on top.

An inspired 175-pts week by my squad puts me back in the pole position for the league, but less than 30 pts ahead of Dad in 4th place. That’s almost as tight a race as the AFC North. Now we have to decide which one of us is the team with the criminals (the Ravens), the team with the criminals (Big Ben and the Steelers), the team with the criminals (the Bengals), or the Browns.

Joanna and Jeff seem to be slipping away from the upper tier of the league, both 120-plus pts out of 1st. And Paul still hasn’t crossed the 1,000-pts mark for the season yet, but he hasn’t fielded a full roster in weeks, so he’s the Oakland Raiders.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 9 recap

In honor of this week’s election, it’s time for another quiz: Which of these are NFL tackles vying for your Pro Bowl vote, and which are California Republicans vying for a congressional seat?

1. Dan Logue
Republican candidate NFL tackle

2. Tue Phan
Republican candidate NFL tackle

3. Bren Giacomini
Republican candidate NFL tackle

4. Antonio “Tony” Amador
Republican candidate NFL tackle

5. Seantrel Henderson
Republican candidate NFL tackle

6. Demar Dotson
Republican candidate NFL tackle

7. Andrew Whitworth
Republican candidate NFL tackle

8. Dakin Sunden
Republican candidate NFL tackle

9. Zach Strief
Republican candidate NFL tackle

10. Doug Ose
Republican candidate NFL tackle

If you got more than four of these right, you're either a true patriot or a very disturbed individual. 

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 47.70 pts -- on Paul’s bench
WR: Julian Edelman, 29.11 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Matt Asiata, 28.67 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Mychal Rivera, 22.53 pts -- on the wire
K: (tie) Stephen Gostkowski, 15.00 pts -- started by me
K: (tie) Steven Hauschka, 15.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Miami, 27.00 pts -- on my bench
D: A.J. Bouye, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Roethlisberger just finished the best two-game set in NFL history, tossing 12 TDs in contests against the Colts and Ravens. He posted 104.48 fantasy pts over that stretch, and Paul got none of them. For reference’s sake, Paul’s team is only averaging about 97 pts a week. Of course, Paul also started three players on a bye and two players on injured reserve this week, so it’s possible he has checked out of this season.

“People we started” edition
3rd place: Philip Rivers, -2.18 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Denver, -3.00 pts -- started by Bobert
1st place: San Diego, -6.00 pts -- started by me

Throw Philip Rivers onto the “QBs you were better than” pile -- his 31.0 QB rating this week came after a three INT, 138 yard passing performance where the Chargers were destroyed by the Dolphins, 37-0. He also threw in one fumble just for grins. Prior to this game, he had only scored less than 20 fantasy pts twice and had a season low of 14.5 pts in week one. This week, every single QB in the league was better than him. And every one outside of the league to. Hell, Koy Detmer was worth 2.18 pts more than Rivers this week.

And, yes, I did start the worst defense of the week over the best defense of the week, costing my team 33 pts in one move. Thanks for noticing.


In the Eagles/Texans game, with the score tied 7-7 in the second, Jeremy Maclin reeled in a 52-yard catch to put the birds at the 8-yard-line. But then he took a shot at the Houston CB covering him, drawing a 15-yard penalty and this comment from Eagles radio broadcaster Merrill Reese:

“Unfortunately, that takes the Eagles out of a goal-to-go situation and moves them outside the red zone.”

Sorry, Merrill, but that’s very fortunate. The Eagles are 31st in the league in red zone TD scoring, and 30th in QB rating in the red zone. And yet they’re first in the NFC in scoring. So it’s really better to back them up to get them to score.

For the record, the Eagles did score on that drive later on.

Disturbing sentences about the Eagles that make them seem like they're in last place, not first:

** Chris Polk has as many rushing TDs as LeSean McCoy.

** The team’s healthiest leading tackler is Malcolm Jenkins, a safety.

** Eagles QBs are on pace to have as many turnovers as passing TDs.

** The team’s cornerbacks have zero interceptions so far this year.

** The fate of the season rests on Mark Sanchez.


The Cowboys dropped their second game in a row, largely due to the ineptitude of their offense. Much of that can be attributed to the loss of their QB, Tony "Toy Moron" Romo, who missed the game with cracked vertebrae in his back. But few people know that's not the only malady he's hiding. Just look at what the letters say:

Dallas' Tony Romo has an oft-injured back
** A dim, black soul, no heart, no joy. And farts.

I know I shot down potty humor in the anagram last week, but that was before the Cowboys started playing like crap.


** Finally, I picked up two games on Dad this week to cut his lead to three games. I knew he'd fall for the old "Peyton Manning could beat Tom Brady in the regular season this time!" trick.

** Mike Vick lost his start for the Jets this week. I know you are shocked.

Week 9 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1280.15 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1256.98 pts
3 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1221.50 pts
4 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1211.44 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1187.75 pts
6 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1145.47 pts
7 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1132.67 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1098.88 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 1058.73 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 1046.34 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 897.69 pts

Not a lot of change from last week, other than Mike stretching his lead out a little bigger. Dad is slowly but surely sneaking up on me, and Anthony seems to be the dividing line between the have and have nots.

But it could be worse. You could be relying on Mark Sanchez to lead you to the promised land...