2012 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to Fantasy Football 2012, and the fight to claim the 11th annual Awesome Cup championship. It has been a busy offseason -- The Saints got busted for illegal player bounties, Peyton Manning moved from one horse team to another, Heidi finally passed a drug test and got reinstated by the league. But it's time to put all that behind us and concentrate on what's important: judging total strangers' worth by random point totals assigned to their statistics.

This year, we've got celebrity guests helping finalize the draft order (per our long-standing draft order rules), so onto the sacred Eagles skull cap we go to pull out the first name ...

#12 -- Heidi
Fresh off her drug suspension from last year (and the second of her career), Heidi picks from the back. Alex Rodriguez, here to represent both Heidi's sports success and her controversial, tainted athletic career, shrugs his shoulders and promptly injures them.

#11 -- Ant
Last year's Awesome Cup champion pulls the second worst draft position this year. His proxy, LaDanian Tomlinson, predicts that Anthony will use the pick to draft him, even though Tomlinson retired earlier this year.

#10 -- Joanner
Taking the DeSean Jackson draft spot (get it? #10) is Joanner, represented at the draft by that Olympic gymnast who made the funny face on the podium. You know, the one all over the internet? Pretty sure her name is Mary Lou Retton. In response, she tumbles gracefully out of the room.

#9 -- Dad
Tough break for Dad, who ends up with a low draft slot despite his poor showing last year. Luckily, he can draw inspiration from his draft proxy, Dan Marino, the greatest quarterback of all-time. Marino rushes over to celebrate the news, but stops suddenly since he never rushed anywhere in his career.

#8 -- Capt. Awesome
To inspire my yet to be drafted team, I called in Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins to be my draft representative. Upon drawing the #8 pick, Dawk slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#7 -- Champ Mike
Mike always drafts from the middle, so it's no surprise his stand-in is former Sixers center/power forward Elton Brand. Once someone points out that he hasn't actually retired, and now plays for the Dallas Mavericks, he politely excuses himself and flees.

#6 -- Sam
Sam slides down in the draft order three spots, picking in the middle despite finishing at the bottom last season. But that's OK -- it gives him and his draft proxy, former Steelers coach Bill Cower, something else to whine about. Cower also objects to being called for intentional grounding, then cries, then leaves.

#5 -- Joel
Joel hasn't had a lot of luck in the regular season, but he scores a coup by getting Brutus Buckeye to travel across state lines to help out with his pre-draft work. Upon being told that he's not really an athlete, Brutus slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#4 -- Jim
Nice break for Jim in the draft order. You'd think his team would be happy, but instead Jim's representative injured RB Rashad Mendenhall launches into a rant about how the whole fantasy league is a conspiracy, how Sept. 11 was an inside job, and how President Romney will fix everything. Bad attitude for that team.

#3 -- Jeff
The Ohio portion of our program concludes with Jeff snagging the Mike Kafka spot (Get it? #3. Get it?) in the picks. Jerry Rice stopped by to stand in for Jeff, but he stormed out of the room before the pick came, complaining that no one was throwing him the ball anymore.

#2 -- Paul
So close, and yet so far for Paul, who will end up with Eagles RB Shady McCoy with his first pick and the season-long curse of having to watch the Eagles. His proxy, Carlos Ruiz, not the Phillie but the former Philadelphia Union player, appears confused as to this whole "American football" concept and gives only a half-hearted celebration.

#1 -- Bobert
It's a great year for Bob -- first he gets engaged, then a Dr. Who movie is rumored to film, then other stuff, and now this triumph. Bob's proxy, noted golfer Bob Barker, celebrates by taunting the crowd and punching me in the face. I hate that Bob Barker.

That's it, kids. The draft will take place sometime on Saturday, so get your pre-draft rankings finalized by then (and update your team names, for the love of Pete Phios. There are a lot of stale names on there). Good luck to everyone except Anthony.

Worst Eagles-themed fantasy football team names for 2012

** Obama/Babin 2012
** Call me Shady
** Foles' Errand
** Iron Mike Vick
** Schmitt Happened
** Kafka's Metamorphosis
** Asomugha and Atogwe
** My DE Vinny
** Philadelphia Eagles, 2012 Super Bowl Champions

Work in progress

Fantasy football season is looming soon...

Worst items in the 2012 Eagles catalog

1 -- New Era Zubaz cap, $24.99

Guaranteed to cause you seizures even before the Eagles make a stupid third-and-short call.

2 -- Draft Me Women's Jersey Top, $59.99

Funny, I don't remember the draft picks having to wear pink jerseys.

3 -- Snuggle Bear, $16.99

Really? It can't just be an eagle? It has to be a bear with an eagle embroidered on it?

4 -- Nike Tri Blend Tank Top, $29.99

What better gift is there than a shirt that says "The Eagles logo barfed all over me"

5 -- Yoga Mat, $24.99

It's the wrong color, has flowers on it, and has nothing to do with a football activity. But if you ignore that, it embodies everything the Eagles stand for.