Fantasy recap, Week 12

Reasons to feel good about a moral victory












          Hold on, I'll think of something...

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Top Performers





** QB: Drew Brees, 33.20 pts – started by Ant
** RB: Frank Gore, 41.13 pts – started by Mike
** WR: Chad Johnson, 36.87 pts – started by Jim
** TE: Antonio Gates, 25.00 pts – started by Bob
** K: Jason Hanson, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Minnesota, 32.00 pts – started by Dad
          At least there’s not Patsies on there this week, right? Right?

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





          Everyone in the league broke 100 pts this week, so the award has to go somewhere else. And I’ll let you guess where based on these game stats:
** First half: 23 passes (62 percent), 14 runs (38 percent), 21 pts scored
** Second half: 22 passes (85 percent), 4 runs (15 percent), 7 pts scored
          I never thought I’d see the day where a 60-40 split for Andy looked like balance, but when the going gets tough you know he’s gonna fool the opposition by benching his best player.

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Worst performers, “Names starting with M” edition





Third Place: Mike Anderson, -0.40 pts – sitting on the wire
Second Place: Marc Bulger, -0.72 pts – sitting on Jo’s bench
First Place: Mike Bell, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
          Reno Mahe was somehow worth –0.04 pts, in case you were thinking of starting him next week.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, basketball edition





          Have you heard the new Sixers commercial featuring Andre Igudola? Here’s the best line:
          “We’re gonna go out there and try and win as many games as we can.”
          That's much more refreshing than the old “we’re gonna half-ass it most nights” slogan they were using.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, college football edition





          Unfortunately I didn’t catch the names of the ESPN broadcasters for last Friday’s Delaware/Delaware State I-AA playoff game, but their color announcer was lauding all-world UD RB Omar Cuff and his impressive running and catching skills when he let this slip:
          “Omar Cuff is like this division’s version of Michael Westbrook.”
          Let’s assume that he meant Brian Westbrook, all-world Eagles RB known for his catching and running skills, and not former WR Michael Westbrook, best known for fighting with Stephen Davis while they were teammates in Washington.
          The problem with that analogy is “that division” already has a prototypical Brian Westbrook: It’s Brian Westbrook, of Villanova, who played against Delaware all four years he was in school.
          But good try there, buddy. Way to know your I-AA history.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, pro football edition





          I’m gonna puch the next person who says AJ Feeley is a better QB than McNabb. Just shut up now and we’ll all be smarter tomorrow for it.
          When the Bears win the Super Bowl with McNabb next year, I’m blaming you personally.

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Fun stats from the weekend





** Over the last four weeks Eli Manning has thrown three TD passes to his team and three TD interceptions to the opposing team. But the Giants totally aren’t starting that second-half slide again.
** On Sunday the Maryland Racial Slurs outgained the Tampa Bay Bucs 412 yards to 192, had 23 first downs to Tampa’s 9, held the ball for 10 minutes longer than the Bucs, and lost 19-13. That’s what six turnovers will do for you.
** Arizona QB Kurt Warner threw for 484 yards on Sunday … and lost. Eagles QB AJ Feeley, Broncos QB Jay Cutler and aforementioned Racial Slurs QB Jason Campbell all topped 300 yards and lost. Meanwhile, the only QB to pass for 300 yards and win was – of course – the Patsies’ Tom Brady.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week





        It’s always sad to see Dallas win, but it just seems more painful when it happens on a holiday. I don’t think I can put it any better than “Dallas Cowboys linebacker Kevin Burnett” already spells it out in his name:
        ** Rabble liven, cons won. Black is Turkey date
        Or, at least it’s black until next year, when the ‘boys will end up losing on the road to some AFC team on Thanksgiving.

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Our standings so far





First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 1831.99 pts
Second Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1620.31 pts
Third Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1611.97 pts
        At least the battle for second is good; Neal, in fourth, is only 18 points out of the first loser slot.

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For the record





** By the way, all-world Delaware RB Omar Cuff picked up 288 rushing yards (a school record) and increased his TD total to 37 on the year (in 12 games) as the Fightin’ Blue Hens rolled over the Del State Hornets. Next up in the playoffs are the Northern Iowa Cornfields on Saturday.
       Blue Hens – Catch the bird flu fever!
** The trade deadline is Friday, kids. Get 'em in while you can.
** Seriously, I hate moral victories. If we learned anything from Rocky, it's that winners get money and losers have to go home with Talia Shire.

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Fantasy recap, Week 11

Things I learned in San Antonio




** Those ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ signs really are everywhere.
** "Fire and Rain" should not be played by mariachi bands in Irish restaurants, no matter how trendy your city is.
** They may root for the wrong teams, but having football on the TVs at the airport is a good move.
** Lotsa Mexican food down here. Who knew?
** Beer and burgers taste less appealing when you have to eat them while looking at Cowboys paraphernalia.

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Top Performers





** QB: Tom Brady, 45.82 pts – started by Joanna
** RB: Chester Taylor, 37.93 pts – started by me
** WR: Some complete jerk, 43.53 pts – started by Paul
** TE: Donald Lee, 20.27 pts – started by Dad
** K: Sebastian Janikowski, 21.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: (tie) Arizona, 24.00 pts – started by Jim
** DEF: (tie) Tampa Bay, 24.00 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
          WR Randy Moss was worth one point less than that jerk, and Paul now has an insurmountable lead because the entire league refuses to cover those two. Meanwhile, somewhere Freddie Mitchell still insists he was the best wideout on that 2004 team…

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





          Jeff’s was the only team not to break 100 pts this week, in large part because he inexplicably left a defense slot open this week (even though all the byes are over now) and started Larry Johnson despite his injury two weeks ago. For his return to late-season form, he gets the prize.
         

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Worst performers, “All RBs” edition




Third Place: Antonio Pittman, -0.20 pts – sitting on the wire
Second Place: Dwanye Wright, 0.57 pts – sitting on the wire
First Place: Adimchinobi Echemandu, -1.80 pts – on the wire
          Jo actually thought about picking up Obi-Wan Mandu this week, but opted instead for Ron Dayne. I think his 13 pts might have been a better call.

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Other things you may not know about the NL MVP




** Jimmy Rollins can also play MVP caliber basketball, football, Australian rules football, and Australian rules baseball, a game he just invented.
** Jimmy drove in four of the Phils seven post-season runs this year. He would have driven in more, but he was pissed about Adam Eaton too.
** After he won the award, Jimmy wanted to shake hands with runner-up Matt Holiday, so he ran to Denver between his 2:30 pm and 3 p.m. meetings in Philly.
** A-Rod got 27 of 29 first-place votes for AL MVP. The other two votes? They were for Jimmy.
** Jimmy's first name is only two letters away from "Philly." And his last name is zero letter away from awesome.
** On Tuesday, New York was officially renamed "Jimmy Rollins' bitch."

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Stupidest thing I didn’t hear this week




          On the plane on Sunday, I started scrolling through FM stations to see if I could get any news of that dreadful Eagles game. I heard parts of the Baltimore/Cleveland game in the second quarter, a little of the Steelers game in the third, and the final five minutes of the Indianapolis/Kansas City game.
          As Adam Vinatieri lined up for a short field goal late to clinch the game, the KC announcers noted that he missed an identical attempt just a week earlier, and had already missed two in this game. Despite their efforts to jinx him, he hit it and the Colts won.
          In the 40 minutes of post-game that followed, the announcers repeated that anecdote and how the game ended six times, but never once gave a update of scores across the league.
          Granted, asking for a Miami-Philadelphia score was probably too much to ask for. But the duo kept talking about how the Chiefs loss might not hurt “because of what’s going on in those San Diego and Oakland games” but refused to give scores on those.
          The only update I did get? They announced that Cleveland lost to Baltimore on a last-second field goal attempt in regulation. So that was helpful.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week





          Remember those “Don’t Mess with Texas” signs? I figured out why they like them so much.
** We snots dim ah texts**
          I guess if we dimmed our writings too, we’d appreciate those kind of slogans more

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Our standings so far





First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – A million billion points
Second Place: We Want Detmers, Jo – Less
Third Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife – A little less than that
          Like I said, insurmountable.

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For the record





** How many ways can A.J. Feeley screw the Dolphins? Remember we got a second round pick for him (who turned into Reggie Brown) and then got him back for nothing?
** Dad is up by a lot. Let’s just leave it at that for now.
** Don’t forget to set your lineups early this week – there are games on Thanksgiving, unlike Draftsgiving. I get confused sometimes too.
** Hey, if we’re short a QB this week I know a former Minnesota Viking who is available…

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Fantasy recap, Week 10

End of an era




          Lost in the excitement of this weekend’s Iggles win over the Maryland Savages was one of the darkest moments in Philadelphia football history.
          Koy Detmer is no longer a life-long Eagle.
          Our own little birdman, David Akers’ personal Millhouse and the winner of last March’s “Mahe Madness” tournament, got the long-awaited call to return to the gridiron this week, but not in the way we had all hoped.
          In case you missed it, the Minnesota Vikings and coach Brad Childress signed Detmer last Tuesday to help shore up their QB corps (made up of Brooks Bollinger, Tavarius Jackson and Kelly Holcomb). The signing doubled the number of teams Koy has played for in his career, and took a little part of our collective innocence with it.
          Sure, the Vikings cut Detmer on Saturday before he ever actually appeared in a purple Nordic uniform (dude pocketed $42,000 for five days of practice), but the damage was already done.
          He’s not one of the few, precious life-long Eagles anymore (see Brian Dawkins, Mike Mamula). We can’t say the birds are the only team to know the joy of the Koy butt-slap dance. He’s just not our lovable little Koy anymore.
          So farewell, sweet Koy. Once, you were the third-string QB we all knew could lead our team to the Super Bowl. Now, you’ve become another cheap, tawdry, Ty-Detmer-type journeyman.
          But we’ll always have our memories.

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Top Performers




** QB: Donovan McNabb, 35.74 pts – started by Dad
** RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.53 pts – started by Dad
** WR: Terrell Owens, 26.33 pts – started by Paul
** TE: Jeremy Shockey, 26.60 pts – started by Joel
** K: Shane Graham, 21.00 pts – started by Joel
** DEF: San Diego, 29.00 pts – started by Paul
          One week after I pound on Joel for not setting his roster he turns around and starts two of the top performers of the week. Why can’t the rest of you respond to criticism that well?

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





          Joel left 59 more points on his bench this week, starting a defense on a bye despite the fact that he had three others on his bench, but since I already said nice things about his I can’t give him the award.
          So let's give it to Don Shula, for coming out and blasting the Patsies, then backtracking and saying he didn't criticize them. It's a weak excuse, but it'll make Dad happy.

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Worst performers, “Worst overall” edition




Third Place: Phillip Rivers, -1.84 pts – started by me
Second Place: Matt Moore, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
First Place: Damon Huard, -2.68 pts – sitting on the wire
          The real kicker? Rivers won his game, despite passing for just 104 yards and accounting for three turnovers. At least the other QBs dropped those disasters of a stat line in losses.

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A quick review of people who rushed for more yards than the Lions entire team on Sunday


** Maryland RB Clinton Portis: 30 rushes, 137 yards.
** Philly RB Brian Westbrook: 20 rushes, 100 yards.
** Philly RB Tony Hunt: 1 rush, 2 yards
** Philly RB Wilbert Montgomery: Zero rushes, zero yards.
** Detroit RB Barry Sanders: Zero rushes, Zero yards.
** You: Zero rushes, zero yards
** Hotlanta RB Artose Pinner: 1 rush, -3 yards.
** The Detroit Lions: 8 rushes, -18 yards

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Stupidest thing I saw last week




          Here’s last Thursday’s “Rhymes with Orange” comic.








          Words can’t describe how unfunny that is. Maybe that’s what the “Rhymes with Orange” name means.

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Greatest game you missed this weekend




          North Texas QB Giovanni Vizza passed for 478 yards, threw 8 TDs and 2 picks, and rushed for another 93 yards (that’d be 72.42 pts for your college fantasy team) in his team’s LOSS to Navy Saturday, 74-62.
          It was the highest scoring game in college football history, and featured 572 yards of rushing offense from the Midshipmen. Navy QB’s also added 108 yards of passing on a mere four completions for the afternoon, and added a safety followed by a kick return TD in the fourth to seal the game.
          Navy set about a dozen team records in that game, but they did not break the school mark for most points in a game. That came in 1918, when they scored 127 points against – I kid you not – Ursinus College. I couldn’t find a box score, but here’s a list of Ursinus’ football record that year.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week





          The only thing worse than watching the Cowboys keep winning this year has been all the former Cowboys turned ESPN analysts wax unpoetically about how great it is to see Dallas keep winning.
          We all know that Keyshawn Johnson can barely speak English to start with, but “former cowboy, ESPN Broadcaster Emmitt Smith” has been one of the worst, and now I’ve decoded why:
** Bemoan tromp’s try: Him most biased, few correct **
          Also, from now on we need to refer to him as a former dancer, not a former football player.
          Gawd, I hate that guy so much…

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Our standings so far





First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 1488.88 pts
Second Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1357.53 pts
Third Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife -- 1325.04 pts
          Hey, Dad is up to fifth. That's something different, right?

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For the record




** I’m down eight to Dad with seven weeks left. No worries.
** Just an FYI -- I'll be traveling next week, so the recap may be a little late. Don't forget to set your rosters Thanksgiving morning, in case I'm not back in time.
** So, uh ... Koy is available again. I'm just saying.

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Fantasy recap, Week 9

What’s left to look forward to?




          Mark your calendar, since apparently there will be no more decent football to watch for a while…
** Only 48 days until Christmas
** Only 99 days until pitchers report for spring training
** Only 171 days until Draftsgiving Day
** Only 302 days until the start of the 2008 NFL season
** Only 344 days until T.O. announces his retirement

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Top Performers





** QB: Drew Brees, 30.50 pts – started by Ant
** RB: Adrian Peterson, 47.87 pts – started by Jim
** WR: Bobby Engram, 29.27 pts – started by Paul
** TE: Tony Gonzalez, 23.27 pts – sitting on Joel’s bench
** K: Shaun Suisham, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Detroit, 31.00 pts – started by Dad
          In case you were wondering if anything else could go right for Paul this season, somehow his #4 wideout was the top WR on the week. Someone please convince him to start Jason Avant, because the man would catch four touchdowns just for being in his lineup.
          And to give credit where it’s due, nice call by Ant grabbing Brees off the waiver wire a few weeks back.

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





          I have no idea what happened out in Columbus this week, but Joel started three players on a bye, two players who were injured and scored zero points, one receiver who had just a single catch and posted a astoundingly low 39 pts. Meanwhile, he left nearly 63 pts on his bench, including RB Jamal Lewis and his career high four TDs on Sunday.
          So he gets the award and possible award naming considerations in the future.

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Worst performers, "Starting QBs" edition





Third Place: Kurt Warner, 2.88 pts– sitting on Joel’s bench
Second Place: Steve McNair, -1.48 pts – started by Jeff
First Place: Alex Smith, -2.04 pts – sitting on the wire
          Combined, these three threw five picks and had two fumbles. Separate, they each stunk in their own special way.

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Stupidest thing I heard this week





          Thursday night’s Virginia Tech/Georgia Tech game was a bore to watch on TV, but listening to it on the radio was a real treat.
          With the teams tied 3-3 in the second quarter, the Hokies’ play-by-play announcer Bill Roth dropped this gem on the ensuing kickoff:
         ”Dunlevy gets ready for the kickoff and … it’s an onsides kick! He’s running behind the ball and … there’s a scrum … I think Tech has it. Yes! Tech recovers the ball! The refs say Tech has it!”
          The best part was he continued to make that same dumb mistake all night in reference to both teams – “another great play by Tech” or “Tech really needs to step it up here” – to the point where his color announcer just started talking over him and inserting the appropriate state name so listeners had some idea what was going on.
          The final score was 27-3. Tech won.

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College stat lines of note





** Miami QB Kirby Freeman: 14 attempts, 1 completion, 84 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs. And yes, he played the whole game. I guess if you’re only going to complete one pass, it might as well be an 84-yard TD.
** Arkansas RB Darren McFadden: 34 rushes, 323 yards, 1 TD. I have no idea how you pick up that many yards and get only one score, although he did add a 23-yard TD pass. His backup rushed for a mere 166 yards and had three TDs.
** Elon P Brandon Lane and Furman P Trent Hawk: 0 punts, 0 yards. Furman’s 52-49 win over Elon on Saturday featured 14 TDs, six turnovers, and zero punts.
** Delaware RB Omar Cuff: 7 catches, 66 yards and 28 rushes, 101 yards, 3 TDs. That’s 31 TDs and 1,105 rushing yards on the year, in just nine games.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week




          Looks like I misread the anagram last week, and
I realized my mistake as soon as I looked at “Dallas Cowboys Nickelback Keith Davis” on Monday morning:
** I bode badly; Act lacks kicks; Evil has won **
          Also, I’ve been trying for the last five years to rearrange the letters in “Andy Reid” to spell out “run” but I still haven’t figured out how to make that happen.

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I'll wait for you to put it together





         Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins and CF Aaron Roward earned their first Gold Glove awards on Tuesday.
         The Eagles receiving corps has been inconsistent all year, piling up dropped passes.
         The Gold Glove is awarded for exemplary defensive prowess, agressive play and sure hands.
         WR Kevin Curtis and WR Reggie Brown have been unable to
produce any reliable receiving threat for the Eagles.
         The baseball season ended last month.




         I'll wait.

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Our standings so far





First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 1327.28 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1233.16 pts
Third Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1221.55 pts
          This top three is starting to get stale up here. Somebody wake Neal back up.

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For the record





** Dad was at the Eagles game Sunday night. Since blaming everyone else hasn't worked, let's blame him this week.
** If you missed the Hall of Fame wrap-up late last week, keep scrolling down.
** I swear to gawd, if you say Kevin Kolb one more time I'm gonna make you all watch nothing but Bobby Hoying film clips for the whole week. I can't find any right now, but I swear...

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Hall of Fame nominees

The Hall of Fame on Thursday announced it's nominees for enshrinement in Canton next year: In January they'll whittle the list down to 15 and have a final vote in the spring. Here's a look at the Eagles on the long list, the years they played, and their chances for induction.

CB Eric Allen, 1988-1994
13-year career; Also played for Saints, Raiders
HOF material? No, but he was the best three-foot tall CB in league history.

TE Mark Bavaro, 1993
9-year career; Also played for Giants and Browns
HOF Material? No. Besides, he’ll always be a Giant to me. The hell with him.

T Lomas Brown, no time on the Eagles
17-year career; Also played for Lions, Cardinals, Browns, Giants and Bucs
HOF material? Probably not, but I’d love to hear Iggles fans chanting “LO-MAS!” one more time…

Ticket Director Leo Carlin, 1960- present
47-year career; Also works for the Philadelphia Soul
HOF material? No way. But I’d love to see an Eagle named Leo in the HOF.

WR Harold Carmichael, 1971-1983
13-year career; Also played for Cowboys
HOF material? Forget that – we let him play for the ‘boys for a season? What the hell?

WR Cris Carter, 1987-1989
15-year career; Also played for Vikings and Dolphins
HOF material? Definitely, although there wouldn’t be any doubt if he caught more than just TD passes.

QB Randall Cunningham, 1985-1995
16-year career; Also played for Vikings, Cowboys and Ravens
HOF material? I seriously think he’ll make it, though it may take a few years. And, if not as a QB, he could get in as a punter.

DE Richard Dent, 1997
14-year career; Also played for Bears, 49ers, and Colts
HOF material? Probably, but he’s a Bear, not a Eagle. Screw him too.

WR Roy Green, 1991
14-year career; Also played for Cardinals
HOF material? Honestly, I have no idea who this guy is.

LB Levon Kirkland, 2002
10-year career; Also played for Steelers, Seahawks
HOF material? No, but he was the fattest man every to play LB, so it’s hilarious he’s even on there.

WR Art Monk, 1995
15-year career; Also played for Redskins, Jets
HOF material? The well-know Redskin WR has been a snub every year for ... wait, Redskin? Screw him too.

RB Herschel Walker, 1992-1994
9-year career; Also played for Cowboys, Vikings, Eagles, Giants
HOF material? No, but “Walker up the middle for one yard” will always have a special place in our hearts.

RB Ricky Watters, 1995-1997
9-year career; Also played for 49ers, Seahawks
HOF material? Why would he get in there? For who? For what?