Fantasy recap, Week 3

Negatives from Sunday’s Eagles game


          Nobody is perfect. Here’s what they did wrong:
:( -- The defensive line only accounted for 7 of the 8 sacks, not all eight.
:( -- QB Kevin Kolb had a sack and a fumble in his debut.
:( -- WR Reggie Brown (two catches, 23 yards) still kinda sucked.
:( -- WE Greg Lewis still isn’t in jail.
          Like I said, nobody’s perfect … except for McNabb, who had a perfect 158.3 passer rating, the 33rd time that’s happened in NFL history.

---

Top Performers



** QB: Donovan McNabb, 37.94 pts -– started by Dad
** RB: Ronnie Brown, 43.80 pts – started by Neal
** WR: Kevin Curtis, 43.73 pts -- started by Dad
** TE: Antonio Gates, 18.53 pts – started by Bob
** K: Matt Stover, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
** DEF: Dallas, 23.00 pts -- started by Jeff
          I’m shocked too; Not only was Westy not the best back (41.40 pts) but none of the Eagles were the best player on the week, thanks to Ronnie Brown. That’s awful. They’ll just have to score 56 points again next week and see if they get to the top.

---

Andy Reid blown call of the week Award



          Before I run out of season, I want to give a summer achievement award to Charlie “six pitcher” Manuel for taking one of the most talented Philly teams of the last 25 years from an assured playoff berth to the brink of playoff elimination. Let’s review:
          Last year’s MVP? Check.
          This year’s MVP, Jimmy Rollins? Check.
          The best second baseman in the pros? Check.
          Three above-average outfielders, and two solid backups? Check.
          Three 10-game winners, and a fourth on the way in Kyle Kendrick? Check.
          A plus-11 game record at home, and a MLB best 48 come-from-behind wins? Check.
          Congrats, Uncle Charlie. Maybe using every pitcher in the bullpen every night isn’t the best plan.

---

Worst performers, "notable QBs" edition



Third Place: Marc Bulger, -1.36 pts -- started by Ant
Second Place: JP Losman, -1.84 pts -- sitting on the wire
First Place: Kevin Kolb, -2.20 points -- sitting on the wire
          Just missing the cut? The Bears’ Rex Grossman (three INTs, 3.00 pts), the Cardinals’ Matt Leinart (53 yards passing, 2.32 pts), and the Saints' Drew Brees (four INTs, -0.80 pts).

---

A look at my fantasy college football team



** QB Graham Harrell, TX Tech: 646 pass yards, 5 TDs; 55.84 fantasy pts.
** RB Matt Forte, Tulane: 303 rushing yards, 5 TDs; 60.30 fantasy pts.
** WR Enron Riley, Duke: 235 receiving, 4 TDs; 39.67 fantasy pts.
** DEF Va Tech: 3 points allowed, 2 return TDs, 3 INTs, 5 sacks; 33.00 pts.

---

Stupidest thing I heard this week



          Unfortunately I didn’t catch the name of the ESPN weekend anchor who dropped this gem, but I haven’t been able to get the echo out of my head:
          “…Michigan beat Penn State 14-9, and Notre Dame drops to 0-4 after losing to Michigan State. Now, all the rest of today’s games are either final, in progress now or coming up later tonight. Number 1 USC…”
          So none of today’s games are being played tomorrow, or won’t get played at all? Thanks for the update.

---

Cowboy anagram insult of the week



          I just realized yesterday that I never gave Bill Parcells’ replacement a proper welcome. So what can we learn about “Cowboys Head Coach Wade Phillips” by taking a closer look:
          **Hobo’s way is clichéd, a capped howl”
          Sounds like a winner to me.

---

Video corner



          I've been meaning to post this for a few weeks now, but if you want to check out real gridiron action you need to be following Gahanna Pee Wee football. I've already started scouting players for my 2018 fantasy football team -- #72 looks like a keeper. At the very least, I'm pretty sure he could take down Anthony.

---

Our standings so far



First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 541.44 pts
Second Place: Updog, Neal -- 447.70 pts
Third Place: Guliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 429.99 pts
          Another week, another near 200-point performance: This time Dad posted 188.63 points. Meanwhile, Paul is losing about 30 points a week but still opening up a lead ... and my best performance of the year dropped me from eighth to ninth. Clearly, I don't get it.

---

For the record



** The professional column is up.
** I'm pretty sure Dad is eight up on me already, but to be honest I lost count after six games. It's a bloodbath so far.
** If you missed Jim's crazy rant from last week, be sure to check it out this week. Seriously -- they let this guy around impressionable young children?

Fantasy recap, Week 2

Time to play another game...

          A quick quiz to see if you belong in the NFL:
** When a pass from the QB comes in high, the wide receiver should:
A – jump and catch it
B – watch it sail by
C – jump and get both hands on it, but not bother pulling it in
** How many defensive lineman should it take to tackle a running back?
A – one
B – three
C – why would a D-lineman be in on that play?
** It’s first and 10 after your running back breaks an 18 yard run. What’s the next play?
A – another run
B – a long pass play to catch the defense off guard
C – a quick pass to a fullback that goes for –1 yards
** You’re a QB, your offense is struggling and the coach keeps looking at the backup QB. What do you do?
A – go out and scramble as if your life depends on it
B – ignore the coach's play calls and start using the run game again
C – give the press comments about the Patriots cheating scandal
          If you answered A to the questions above, you know your football. If you answered C to any of them, I think I know which 0-2 team you play for.

Top Performers

** QB: Carson Palmer, 49.04 points -- started by Bob
** RB: Jamal Lewis, 27.50 points -- sitting on Joel's bench
** WR: Chad Johnson, 36.93 points -- started by Jim
** TE: Kellen Winslow, 18.67 points -- started by Paul
** K: Phil Dawson, 15.00 points -- sitting on the wire
** DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Joanna
          Wait, the top fantasy defense didn't come from the Browns/Bengals game too? I'm shocked.

Andy Reid blown call of the week Award

          Joel gets the award this week, for being one of thousands of fantasy victims nationwide who for some reason didn't think 700-year-old Jamal Lewis would rush for 215 yards on Sunday. Benching him alone cost Burns' Ringers almost 24 points, and all told Joel left 30 points on the bench. On the plus side, he was not caught illegally videotaping Paul's team for hints on how to win.
          Honorable mention goes to Anthony, who had three open bench spots on his team. If you told me before the season about this strategy, I'd have told you he might mistakenly go down in the standings with one or two open spots, but he can't go down with three. Not with three, he can't.

Worst performers, "defenses we started" edition

Third Place: NY Giants, -3.00 points -- started by Dad
Second Place: Cincy, -4.00 points -- started by Neal
First Place: Miami, -5.00 points -- started by Jim
          So far this season that Giants defense is worth a whopping minus-4 points .. but that's what happens when you surrender 80 points in two games. But at least they've got Michael Strahan back.

Fun with projections, week 2

** After two weeks Patriots WR Randy Moss is on pace for 2,304 receiving yards, which would smash the single-season record of 1,848. Of course, now Bengals WR Chad Johnson is on pace for 2,432 yards.
** Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson is on pace to toss 45 interceptions this year. For comparison’s sake, that sucks.
** The Giants are on pace to give up 640 points this year, shattering the record of 533, which coincidentally is how many times QB Eli Manning made that half-asleep-vacant-stare face on Sunday.

Stupidest thing I heard this week

          This really should be more of a group award -- I should give it to every NFL analyst this week who said the Patriots getting caught stealing plays didn't matter because "the players are great and Bill Belichick is a football genius." I'd be a spectacular coach too if I knew what the other team was calling.
          But somehow, even dumber than that, was John Madden on Sunday night football announcing that the Patriots didn't need any cheating to score on their opening drive, then adding, "I guarantee you there aren't any cameras looking at the San Diego sideline tonight!"
          That's funny. I could see the sideline just fine on the TV broadcast. Maybe John thinks he works for radio now.

Cowboy anagram insult of the week

          Part of the reason I hate the Cowboys so much is their ability each year to recruit completely reprehensible charaters each year; Take T.O., or Michael Irvin, or Jeffery Dahmer (he played tight end for them for a few years). This year's crop of rookies is no exception -- Just look at what kind of person "Dallas rookie tackle James Marten" is:
          ** Mean jerk eats armadillo/elk tacos **
          That's insulting several different ways to our neighbors down south, who take great pride in their cuisine. These guys are really disgusting.

Greatest player in the world update

          Delaware running back Omar Cuff had a terrible game on Saturday – a disappointing one touchdown on 56 rushing yards in the Blue Hens’ 38-9 romp over the Rhode Island Little People. Cuff’s poor play brought his three-game totals to a mere 12 touchdowns and 393 yards on the ground.
          If he’s not careful, that 18-point-130-rushing average could drop down to nothing.
          Seriously, though, he’s the greatest player ever. Cuff is a converted defensive back, which makes you realize if he had played RB his whole life he’d probably already be in the NFL with 700 rushing yards and 20 TDs after two games.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 401.18 points
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 310.56 points
Third Place: The Moravians, Bob -- 274.58 points
          I told you Paul would come crashing back down; He only had 198 points this week. In other news, we've got two teams that don't have 198 points combined yet.

For the record

** The professional column is up.
** Yeah, Dad is up 5 games on me already, but it’s all part of my grand plan. Just like it’s part of my grand plan to sink to 8th in the standings behind LaDanian Tomlinson. No worries – I’ve got it covered.
** Seriously, are they gonna score another TD this year? The Eagles have the same number of offensive touchdowns as the Falcons, and their ace QB is tossing passes in federal prison. And Greg Lewis still hasn’t been jailed for last week.

Fantasy recap, Week 1

It’s never too early

If the playoffs started today, here’s who would be in, based on the NFL tiebreaking rules:

** NFC First round byes – Vikings (1-0), Panthers (1-0)
** NFC division winners – Cowboys (1-0), Niners (1-0)
** NFC wild cards – Packers (1-0), Seahawks (1-0)
** NFC just missing – Lions (1-0, but zero NFC wins)
** AFC First round byes – Patriots (1-0), Steelers (1-0)
** AFC division winners – Bengals (1-0), Broncos (1-0)
** AFC wild cards teams – Texans (1-0), Titans (1-0)
** AFC just missing – Colts and Chargers (both 1-0, but zero AFC wins)

          It’s depressing that even under this ridiculous scenario, the Patriots still get their conference’s number one seed and the Lions still can’t make the playoffs.

Top Performers

** QB: Tony Romo, 42.90 – started by Paul
** RB: LaMont Jordan, 27.93 – sitting on Paul’s bench
** WR: Plaxico Burress, 35.60 – started by Paul
** TE: Antonio Gates, 22.13 – started by Bob
** K: Jason Hanson, 14.00 – started by Jo
** DEF: Minnesota, 32.00 – started by Dad
          Paul also started the number two WR on the week (Randy Moss, 27.20) and the sixth- and seventh-best wideouts (Steve Smith, 21.70, and T.O., 20.80) en route to a rare 200-plus point performance. Imagine if he had Lamont Jordan in his lineup instead of Steven Jackson (a 24-point difference).

Andy Reid blown call of the week Award

          Normally I’d make fun here of people like Anthony for having four open bench spots on his team or ridiculing the dolt who left 37 points on his bench (mostly in the form of the Green Bay defense) but the award’s namesake just keeps getting dumber. If I may paraphrase the great Roman philosopher G-money, you know you’re in a terrible situation when Reno Mahe is the answer. And when you blow a game trying to figure that out … that earns you at least a week’s ridicule.
          Honorable mention goes to Ant, for the reasons above; Jeff, who lost nine points by starting his two defenses (Dallas and the Jets) and scored only 66 points; and that idiot who thought the Green Bay defense (19.00) would be worth less than the Oakland D (00.00).

Worst performers, Eagles KR edition

Third Place: Correll Buckhalter, 2.00 points – sitting on the wire
Second Place: J.R. Reed, -0.68 points – sitting on the wire
First Place: Greg Lewis, -1.92 points – sitting on the wire
          All of them are jobless in our league … and should be jobless in the NFL too. Possibly in jail as well.

Fun with projections

** Titans RB Chris Brown (175 rushing yards on Sunday) is on pace to rush for 2,800 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 2,105.
** Patriots WR Randy Moss (183 receiving yards on Sunday) is on pace to catch 2,928 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 1,848.
** Giants WR Plaxico Burress (three TDs on Sunday) is on pace to score 48 touchdowns this season, smashing the single-season record of 31 TDs.
** The Falcons (three points on Sunday) are on pace to score 48 points this season, which coincidentally is also how many months Vick is projected to serve in jail for dog fighting.

Stupidest thing I heard this week

          It took only about 10 minutes into the new season for my brain to seize up, thanks to Al Michaels. During the Colts/Saints game, he let me know that the Indianapolis dome “might not be the biggest stadium in the NFL, but it’s the loudest tonight!”
          That’s a bold statement, considering it was a Thursday game and it was the only stadium with a game in play that night. Although I bet the Linc is pretty loud when no one is there.


Notable performances

** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had more passing TDs on Sunday (one) than QBs Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia, Rex Grossman, Jason Campbell and Drew Brees had combined this weekend (zero).
** Saints QB Drew Brees had as many receptions this weekend (one) as WRs Donte Stallworth, Joe Horn, Mushin Muhammad and Reggie Brown … and one more than Seattle’s #1 receiver Deion Branch (zero).
** Cowboys WR Terrell Owens had more TD catches Sunday (two) than brain cells (one).
** Giants QB Eli Manning had more season-threatening injuries on Sunday (one) than Donovan McNabb (zero). He is also currently tied for 25th in the league for career playoff wins (zero) with Tony Romo, Jason Campbell, Marcus Vick and the three-month old bag of pretzels I have in the kitchen.

Cowboy anagram insult of the week

         By now you've heard that one of the 'boys wide receivers came up with a knee injury before the game this week, but it didn't stop them from embarrassing the Giants on Sunday night. But will there be long-term damage to the team? Just looking at "Dallas Cowboys wideout Terry Glenn" seems to confirm that:
         ***OW! OW! Oy! Leg ends tilt, club's year. Darn.**
         Oh, well. It was a nice tilt while it lasted.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 202.87 points
Second Place: Giuliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 165.02 points
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 144.53 points
          Have fun while you can, kids – This was quite possibly the greatest fantasy week for wideouts in the last 10 years, and one of the worst for RBs. You’ll come crashing back down again soon.

For the record

** The professional column is back, despite popular demand.
** I can't be sure, but I think Dad might already be up four in the yearly picks. But my fantasy team is ahead of his, so it's all good.
** Boy, that Reggie Wayne sure looks good.
** Sorry I didn't fit in a Delaware recap this week, but I'm busy building a shrine to their RB, who has seven TDs after two games. He's totally carrying my Division 1-AA fantasy football team.

2007 fantasy league predictions

Let the guessing and taunting begin ... again. Here's how things will look in January:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
WHY: Heidi, still serving her suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, unofficially drafted Rodney Harrison, Wade Wilson, Shawn Merriman, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Michael Irvin for her team. It a shame that all of them, including Heidi, have set such a poor example for our children. But I bet Canseco would be pretty good on special teams...

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
WHY: His team really isn’t that bad, but I’ve gotta penalize him for continuing his yearly tradition of skipping all worthwhile RBs in lieu of lower-scoring wideouts and more-available QBs. But with some luck and Peyton Manning, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt and Andre Johnson on this team, Jim could really surprise. Also, with some luck, Michael Vick could skip jail and become a productive NFL player again someday.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
WHY: Sorry, Dad. I love your loyalty, but starting McNabb, Westbrook, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis and Brent Celek makes for a bad, bad fantasy team … unless the Eagles really do score 40 each week. And even if they do, you’re in trouble in week 5. In case you missed it, Dad was so faithful to da Birds he picked up their backup kicker, E.J. Cochrane, even though the man will never play a down in the NFL.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
WHY: I’m renaming Bob’s squad to Team ACL – Carson Palmer, Donte Stallworth, Shaun Alexander and Adam Vinatieri all had leg injuries last year. Sure, they all claim they’re healed now, but are you gonna trust NFL doctors or me watching from my couch? The one guy on his team who was injury-free in 2006? RB Fred Taylor. And you know he’s got a good five or six more years on those bionic legs.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
WHY: I can’t believe the talent this team has: stud WR Issac Bruce, stud TE Jeremy Shockey, stud RBs Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister, the Pittsburgh defense, supserstar QB Steve McNair coming off the bench … wait, it is 2002, right? No? It’s 2007? Oh, nevermind.

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
WHY: This team will lose because its coach wants to lose. Tony Romo, T.O., Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss? Geez, Paul, why not just draft Vick, Emmit Smith and Paris Hilton and put together a team everyone would hate? I know the computer made the actual picks, but wouldn’t you feel better if you do terrible? Let’s work out a trade for the Washington defense and we’ll see if you can tank everyone.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
WHY: All of Neal’s players have one- or two-syllable last names. Jones-Addai-Kitna-Brown-Chambers-Mason-Bell. Weird, huh? In my expert opinion, I think he’s one reliable wideout away from a great team, maybe a Reggie Wayne or somebody like that. By the way, you should check your trade offers. I’m just guessing.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
WHY: Jeff has some good players (an underrated RB trio of Larry Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Clinton Portis that will surprise many) but there’s no way he finishes higher than sixth. He has players from 12 different teams on his squad. That’s 12 different bye weeks to keep track of. But week five, he’ll be lucky if he has anyone playing.

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
WHY: Anthony won the honor of best team name and followed it up by drafting the most boring team ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s just nothing exciting about it either. Ahman Green? Marc Bulger? The KC defense? Eh. I guess I hate Jason Whitten because he’s on Dallas. So, yeah, I guess I hate this team. Maybe.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
WHY: I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? L.T. and Philip Rivers? Hines Ward and Heath Miller? With so many teammates, it’s amazing I didn’t draft the Oakland defense twice. That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five. But I’m already trying…

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
WHY: Two years ago I picked Jo to finish third and she finished at the bottom of the standings. Last year I picked her for the bottom and she finished third. So this year, she’s screwed. But that Tom Brady/Willie Parker/Willis McGahee/Chicago defense combo looks really, really good, too good to pretend like she’ll be in the bottom half.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
WHY: Mike has a handful of good RBs and reliable WRs and always manages to make a good run, so I’m guessing he’ll stay near the top three. And that’s a shame, because “szechaun” is difficult to spell, and I’m gonna end up having to put it in the recap each week. What a pain in the neck.

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
WHY: The reigning champ always gets the benefit of the doubt – after all, he won the league without LaDanian Tomlinson last year. He has two great defenses (Baltimore and Denver), a handful of good receivers (including Reggie Bush, who is not an RB) and a RB who I already tried to trade for and got shot down (it’s the guy who’s not Fred Taylor on the Jags). Of course, the whole thing will fall apart when Vince Young goes down with a Madden-laden season-ending injury, but who’s really worried about that?

So there it is, kids. First game is Thursday night, so remember to set Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne in the starting spots before the game to get points for them.

Oh, and Reggie Wayne is on the trading block. He’s way better than Jim’s wide receivers.