Liveblogging Draftsgiving

Not really.

But I did take thorough notes throughout Saturday's festivities, to capture the moment. I'll get to those wretched draft picks later this week, but here's a taste of the excitement you missed at the fort:

11:20 am -- Opened the first beer, and wished everyone luck and happiness for the day.

12:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 hockey.

2:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 hockey.

3:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 golf.

4:45 pm -- Drank and cursed as the Eagles traded their pick to Dallas.

5:30 pm -- Drank and cooked steaks.

6:00 pm -- Ate and played PS2 hockey.

7:45 pm -- Drank and cursed as the Eagles drafted a QB I'd never heard of.

9:00 pm -- Ate and played PS2 golf.

11:15 pm -- Ate and watched "Transformers: The Movie."

1:15 am -- Wondered why I didn't drink while watching that movie.

1:45 am -- Passed out, possibly while drinking.

Aren't you sad you missed it? Keep the last weekend in April open next year.

Game on

Fort Awesome is ready for Draftsgiving.




Are you?

Draftsgiving viewing schedule

Here is the recommended viewing schedule for Draftsgiving Day.

Please note all shows on TV2 may be pre-empted by additional PS2 use, should a second PS2 be available. Also, the first beers should be opened no later than 11:50 am.

12 pm
TV1 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV2 – MASN: Baseball, Orioles vs. Indians (rooting for Indians)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

2 pm
TV1 – PS2: Fight Night 2004
TV2 – ESP2: Track, Penn relays (rooting for discus)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

4 pm
TV1 – PS2: Mortal Kombat II
TV2 – NBC: Hockey, Sharks vs. Red Wings (rooting for Sharks)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

6 pm
TV1 – PS2: Mortal Kombat II
TV2 – TNT: Basketball, Cavaliers vs. Wizards (rooting for LeBron)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

8 pm
TV1 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV2 – ESPN: Basketball, Spurs vs. Nuggets (rooting for AI)
TV3 – ESP2: NFL Draft coverage

10 pm
TV1 – Movie: Shaun of the Dead
TV2 – PS2: Twisted Metal Black
TV3 – TBS: Baseball, Braves vs. Rockies (rooting for snow)

12 am
TV1 – NFLN: NFL Europe, Hamburg at Frankfurt (rooting for Hamburg)
TV2 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV3 – ESPN: Whatever they put on

Getting you ready for Draftsgiving

I just noticed that the draft countdown clock is off by two hours. It's a little late to fix it now, but please make the appropriate adjustments to your schedules.

Also, in case you're not in the mood yet, here's last year's Draftsgiving Eve post to help you get your lazy on.

Japan posts wrap-up

We're safe and sound back at Fort Awesome, but I just wanted to wrap up a few loose ends before I get into the last-minute Draftsgiving preparations tomorrow.

First, I know several of you doubted the stories about my proposal to the Japanese government, their near-recognition of Draftsgiving day, and my decision to withhold the holiday from the Far East because of YMCA. I offer you this undeniable proof:


Second, I wanted to show you a picture of the luxury hotel near the imperial palace that we stayed in, but it didn't turn out. But I did get this picture of the map describing the deluxe accommodations:


Third, a few of you questioned why the site wasn't switched to "Off base" while I was 7,000 miles from Fort Awesome. Of course, we all know that Fort Awesome is a state of mind as well as a heavily fortified military facility, so I didn't feel it was necessary. Fort Awesome was always in my heart.

Also, that would have taken extra work.

And finally, this web site finally has a patron saint: I made sure to pray at the shrine for the Buddist god of public entertainment, better known for its tangible form of the tuniki, a raccoon dog creature. It's also known for its ... um ... prolific assets.


Feel free to use this site for all your prayer needs.

Japan post #5

You'd be surprised how similar Tokyo and any major U.S. city are:

Japan post #4

Bad news about my legislative efforts, my friends. I've formally withdrawn my application to have the Japanese Diet recognize Draftsgiving.

Let me explain.

Yesterday we managed to make it over to the Tokyo Dome to catch some good old fashioned Far East baseball. It was a hoot, even if my beloved Nippon Ham Fighters got shut out by the Soft Bank Hawks.

The game was constant noise, all of it positive. Whenever the Hamsters (actual nickname) got up to bat, their 5,000 fans in the bleachers sections rose, screamed out complex fight songs and swayed in rythm until the half inning was over. When the Hotlanta Hawks (not an acutal nickname) got up, their 5,000 bleacher fans, segregated on the other side of the outfield, did the same.

Even though no one booed, it was awesome. Beer girls carried a quarter-keg backpack up and down the aisles. Every strikeout got a standing ovation. Every double got a standing ovation. When the Hawks star hit a grand slam (the first I've seen live) their bleacher bums nearly rioted, and the Hammies fans sat quietly.

Then came the fifth inning.

After the Hamsters went down 1-2-3, a shrill-voiced woman came on the PA and asked everyone, in English, if they knew what time it was. Everyone stood up. Cheerleaders lined the infield, and the ground crew bowed to the stands.

And then everyone started singing YMCA.

Loudly.

Everyone.

Needless to say I learned a valuable lesson: When you export culture without conscience, you can do horrible things like convince an entire nation that the seventh-inning stretch can be and should be replaced by YMCA.

Until I'm sure the people of Japan understand that the Cowboys are evil, that Mike Vick is not a quarterback, and that Fred Taylor's groin is not something to be celebrated, I can't in good conscience push the complexity of Draftsgiving on them. The legislators here seemed to understand, in that when I told the guards at the pariliment building that they did not appreciate football enough they kindly asked me to leave.

We'll wrap up our fun over here in the next few days, and spend a little more time teaching the locals to love pigskin rather than forcing them to accept the NFL as their own personal savior.

Japan post #3

To show my dedication to bringing Draftsgiving to the Far East, I spent all of yesterday climbing to the top of the legendary Mount Hinokuchi.



So far, the locals have not been impressed.

Japan Post #2

Just to give you an update – so far the Japanese government has been reluctant to recognize Draftsgiving officially, in large part because of the lack of formal preparations underway at this late date, issues about the availability of draft coverage and Yeungling, and the fact that such a move could encourage Joe Theismann to travel overseas.

However, lawmakers did pass a resolution which mandates all citizens spit whenever they say T.O. (it comes up a surprising amount in Japanese conversations). So that’s progress.

The mandatory spit law is very odd and all over the news here, but you probably didn’t hear about it back in the states. That’s the liberal western media for you, always coving the pro-Cowboys stories but never paying attention to important things like the link between the 3-4 defense and constipation.

Wasn’t that why Parcells always made that face?

Japan Post #Wan

What I’ve learned so far…

Things that Japan does better than the US

1: Toilet seats
-- Over here, every toilet seat is heated. Yes, heated. When you sit down, your butt is warm. Why this is not standard in every civilized country is beyond me.

2: Aluminum cans
-- You want ice tea from a can? You can get that from a vending machine. You want hot tea from a can? Same vending machine. Hot coffee? Same can, same vending machine.

3: Baseball
-- West Coast 4pm games come on over here at 5am. East Coast night games are on TV at 8am, and West Coast night games at 11 am. Then, at 4pm, the Japanese teams games are on TV.

Things the US does much better than Japan

1: Fish
-- They have whole restaurants over here where the cooks routinely forget to cook the fish. And none of these people seem to realize they’re eating raw fish.

2: Elections
-- The local elections in Tokyo feature no street signs, no TV ads, no pamphlets. Instead, they have trucks with loudspeakers driving around town at all hours shouting out things like "Vote for change" and "Help me beat my wife." At least that’s what it sounds like.

3: Football
-- I actually found NFL Europe games on TV. That’s not healthy. And, despite the fact that I’ve been here for three days, they still have not recognized Draftsgiving as a national holiday.

The Draftsgiving post

Here's just a small part of the presentation I'll be giving next week to the Japanese prime minister ... or at least the guy who looks like him standing in the imperial gardens.

Defining Draftsgiving

What's the greatest holiday of the year? That's right, it's Thanksgiving. No gifts to by, no mandatory church services, no singing or decorating, no planting trees that'll fall down in a windstorm and wipe out your car in a few years (stupid Arbor Day). Thanksgiving is all about eating, watching football, eating, taking a nap, eating, having pie and a beer, and eating.

Don't we all deserve another Thanksgiving on the calendar? But where would we put it? April would be perfect, but there's no football to watch (don't peddle that Arena League crap around here). And without football, what would Thanksgiving be? Just another Thursday bingefest, without the deep joy of watching the Cowboys lose.

But hold on -- the NFL draft is every April. And that's almost football. And it takes a full Saturday just for the first round, where eating and drinking and pie and eating could be done. It's perfect!

And that, my friends, is Draftsgiving.

Essential items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1 -- The NFL Draft and a TV
You can't spell "Draftsgiving" without "draft." Go ahead, try. See? Simply put, the whole idea of having a second Thanksgiving hinges on having football on as an excuse to do nothing but eat and watch football.

2 -- A second TV
No one actually wants to watch draft coverage, of course. The trick is to have it on the first, small TV, so you can say that you're "watching football" without listening to Mel Kiper talk about the Iowa State kicker's unique style. I'd recommend a video game system and Mortal Kombat II on the second TV, or at the very least the NBA playoffs.

3 -- Beer
You're planning on watching 10 hours of draft coverage and accomplishing nothing else for the day. Without beer, this would be impossible. Most physicians I've interviewed agree that beer is the most responsible way to get your body at peak condition for the holiday. Make sure to open the first one before noon.

4 -- At least four other people
It's not a party unless you have five people and alcohol, and it's not a holiday unless there's a party. That's why St. Patrick's Day is loved by all Americans and Presidents Day flounders in government vacation obscurity.

5 -- Steaks off the grill
Feel free to add on as much other food as you'd like, but steaks are to Draftsgiving what turkey is to Thanksgiving. Do you prefer having sushi on Thanksgiving? Go back to Japan, you commie pig.

Optional items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1a -- A third TV
You know, there's nothing wrong with having the NBA playoff game and Mortal Kombat II on at the same time.

2a -- A pile of bad DVDs
The draft ends at 10 p.m., and you have three TVs. Every wonder if Wizard of Oz and Night of the Living Dead sync up and creepy times? Now is your chance to find out.

3a -- Mel Kiper
Really, we could do without him, but chances are he's the only one in the room who is gonna know who that defensive lineman the Eagles just drafted is. Just make sure you don't try to listen to him for more than an hour straight without drinking heavily.

4a -- Footballs
It's the best remote out there. If someone suggests turning off the draft, or going out to hit the local bar, a quick swing pass to the side of their head will correct the situation immediately.

More tips to come as the big day gets closer -- keep an eye on that countdown to the right!

Travel plans

Most of you know I'm going to be traveling to Japan this weekend for 12 days, returning just in time to get Fort Awesome ready for its third Draftsgiving Day bash.

I've been telling you all that the trip is related to work, but I've gotta come clean -- The real reason I agreed to travel so close to my favorite late April holiday (screw Administrative Professionals Day) is because I've been invited to speak before the Japanese Parliament as they consider recognizing Draftsgiving Day as an official holiday.

I'm sure you're as surprised as me. You're saying, "Capt. Awesome, why should I really believe that the Far East has any interest in a sport they never see live and have no athletes in? C'mon."

First off, I can't hear you through this computer unless you have VOIP, which you don't, so stop talking to the screen. And lose the attitude.

Second, the NFL has held exhibition games in Japan 13 times over the last 20 years, 12 times in Tokyo (including in 1993 when the Eagles brought Rich Kottite overseas, lost to the Saints, and for some reason brought him back to the Saints). And no Japanese NFL stars? Are you pretending like WR Noriaki Kinoshita didn't light it up in NFL Europe last year? Did he or did he not lead the league in kick return yards?

The fact is it's only a matter of time before Draftsgiving becomes a worldwide phenomenon, embraced by all cultures and nations (except for those lousy Cowboys fans, who only care about peddling evil and strife). Already, if you type Draftsgiving into Google you get hundreds of different hits worldwide -- just look at this screencap.

Tomorrow, I'll post some basic rules for celebrating the holiday so you can start to prepare your own Draftgiving Day commemoration, and hopefully I'll find time between meetings with Japanese royalty and politicians to keep up with the postings.

Until then, start praying the Eagles don't take another undersized defensive lineman.

Brain drain

I spent so much time focusing on Thiesmann last week, and so much time thinking about my first Draftsgiving post of the year (coming next week), that I'm left vacant and drooling like ... well ... like someone who spent last week thinking about Joe Theismann.

So, to tide you over, here are some quotes to make you stupider.

First from this morning:

"(Florida coach) Billy Donovan needs to do what's financially right for his family, and if that means leaving to go to Kentucky, he should do it." -- Digger Phelps, talking about rumors the coach may leave. His comments came two minutes after he praised the Florida players for staying in school an extra year and not just going for the big bucks in the pros.

"Traffic on Route 301 is backed up because of a down train gate blocking the road. Also, there's a train stopped at the intersection." -- A traffic report on NPR. Turns out they were wrong; That stopped train was what really was backing up traffic.

And now, some classic genius Joe Thiesmann for you:

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – probably the most famous Thiesmann quote.

“The best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." – Panthers vs. Eagles, Dec. 4, 2006

“I have a feeling (Ben) Roethlisberger may or may not finish this game tonight.” – Jaguars vs. Steelers, Sept. 18, 2006

“I think you need to be short and quick (to be a kick returner). You don’t have the ‘quicks’ when you’re tall.” – Bengals vs. Jaguars, Aug. 28, 2006

“There’s still a lot of game left.” – Redskins vs. Eagles, Nov. 6, 2005 (said with four minutes left in the second)