Super Bowl bets

I was just looking over the prop bets for the Super Bowl -- 100 to 1 odds that the Bears score exactly 39 points sounds like a good $10 bet to me, as does the 20 to 1 odds that Muhsin Muhammad wins the MVP award. But it got me thinking that they really should offer better options on these side bets...

Odds Bets
A third-quarter holding call by the ref robs one of the teams of the game:

ODDS -- 3 to 1

RB Fred Taylor gets injured on the first play, even though he's not in the game:

ODDS -- 4 to 1

After winning, the Bears dedicate the trophy to the city of New Orleans:

ODDS -- 10 to 1

The halftime show will be good, because it involved Prince:

ODDS -- 100 to 1

No one mentions Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are black until the 4th Q:

ODDS -- 200 to 1

The Colts' inspirational locker room speech includes special guest Barbaro:

ODDS -- 300 to 1

Phil Simms gives articulate and intelligent commentary throughout the game:

ODDS -- 1000 to 1

Over/Under Bets
Total number of Peyton Manning commercials:

O/U -- 17.5

Total funny Peyton Manning commercials:

O/U -- 1.5

Total number of Chunky soup commercials:

O/U -- 9.5

Total Chunky commercials featuring McNabb puking

O/U -- 0.5

Total cutaway shots of Eli Manning

O/U -- 7.5

Total cutaway shots of Eli Manning looking dopey

O/U -- 7.5

Cowboys coaching search

Though some of my NFL contacts, I came across the Cowboys' initial coaching candidates list today. It was tough to get my hands on it, but it's very interesting.

---------------------------------------------------------
Cowboys Corporate Headquarters
2401 East Airport Freeway
Suite 666
Irving, Texas

RE: Head coaching vacancy

MEMO: Say nothing to the press until we've made a selection. We don't want to get forced into a Dave Campo situation again.

CANDIDATE: Jim Mora Jr.
PRIOR JOB: Falcons Head Coach
POSITIVES: Used to dealing with underachieving, overrated players like T.O. (see Mike Vick)
NEGATIVES: He ended the season by losing to the Eagles backups, a team led by Chris Weinke, and us. That’s pretty lousy coaching.
OUTLOOK: Incompetence shouldn’t eliminate him from this list -- We haven’t won a playoff game in nine years.


CANDIDATE: Troy Aikman
PRIOR JOB: Dallas QB, FOX commentator
POSITIVES: Before his frequent concussions, he was our best QB ever
NEGATIVES: After five years working with Joe Buck, those concussions are the least of his head trauma problems
OUTLOOK: I think Jimmy Johnson is still calling all his plays over at Fox, so probably not

CANDIDATE: Jerry Jones
PRIOR JOB: Cowboys Owner
POSITIVES: He’s a football genius (just look at that T.O. signing!) and a handsome man to boot
NEGATIVES: It’s gonna be awkward when he has to fire himself in three years
OUTLOOK: We should at least bounce this off him. Just be careful not to bounce it off that tightly-stretched face of his

CANDIDATE: Kim Etheredge
PRIOR JOB: Publicist for T.O.
POSITIVES: She’s used to working with jerks, and she knows how to make them look better
NEGATIVES: She usually makes them look better by making an ass of herself (See “25 million reasons to live”)
OUTLOOK: No way -- Even T.O. thought hiring her was a mistake


CANDIDATE: The greased up deaf guy from “Family Guy”
PRIOR JOB: Being greased up
NEGATIVES: He’s greased up, deaf, and isn’t real
POSITIVES: Even greased up and deaf, he still can hear a snap count and hold onto the ball better than Tony Romo
OUTLOOK: Strong possibility

CANDIDATE: Satan
PRIOR JOB: Prince of Darkness
POSITIVES: He already knows most of our players
NEGATIVES: Jerry Jones still owes him money from poker last week
OUTLOOK: If we ask him for any more favors, he’s gonna want those Super Bowls back



FINAL ANALYSIS: Geez, even Joe Gibbs looks like a good coach compared to these losers. Somebody call Bill back.

Hello Inky readers!

Since this site has gotten a lot more attention all of the sudden, can someone back in Philly forward my list of suggestions for this year's Wing Bowl over to the good gentlemen at 610 WIP?

-- I know Miss WIP does the egg drop to start off the festivities, but can't we invite Tony Romo up to do that instead this year? I hear he's good at dropping important things.

-- Can we invite Phil Simms down to compete this year? I don't think he'll win -- I just know that if his mouth is full of wings he won't be able to say anything as stupid as his commentary during last week's Chargers game.

-- I think Mike Vick would be an excellent water boy for the event. Just don't ask him to "pass" the water, or the pitcher will end up in the stands.

-- And after the competition is over, can WIP leave at least five guys behind? There's a game against the Warriors in the Wack Center that night, and I think five fat, sauce-covered gluttons running up and down the court will be more entertaining than what the Sixers can put out there.

Somebody get back to me and let me know if we can get this done.

Ever imagine if Andy starred in 24?

Scene: CTU super agent ANDY REID and sidekick AGENT JOHNSON have been tracking a terrorist cell who have threatened to detonate a nuclear bomb in Philadelphia. The good guys have just arrived at Lincoln Financial Field, where they make a shocking discovery:

AGENT JOHNSON: There it is, Andy. The nuke is right on the 50-yard line!

(Johnson sprints to midfield. Andy walks casually, arriving a full 60 seconds after him.)

AGENT JOHNSON: Quick, Andy, what do we do? The timer says we have less than two minutes until it detonates!

ANDY: Two minutes, huh? That's enough time for us to go get something to eat, right? I'm starved from all this running.

AGENT JOHNSON: Are you kidding me? We need to deal with this now!

ANDY: The bomb squad guys will be here in like 15 minutes, won't they? That's plenty of time.

AGENT JOHNSON: You can't play this like we're got a full quarter of football left! We're down under two minutes! We've got to hurry!

(Johnson scurries around, trying to decipher the device. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

AGENT JOHNSON: I think I found something -- the timer is solar powered. If we move this out of the shade, we can buy more time. Let's get it over on the sideline.

ANDY: Nah, we better keep it in the middle of the field.

AGENT JOHNSON: Are you insane? Why wouldn't we use the sideline to our advantage?

ANDY: Nah, stick with the middle. There's more room to work with in the middle of the field.

(Johnson paces impatiently. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

ANDY: Maybe we should punt this to homeland defense.

AGENT JOHNSON: You want to leave this to defense?!?

ANDY: Yeah, they'll probably figure out a way to stop it.

AGENT JOHNSON: They haven't stopped these terrorists from running all over the place today! And even if they could stop them, there's no time left!

ANDY: There's probably enough time for that. What did you say we have, 30 minutes?

AGENT JOHNSON: 30 seconds!

ANDY: Oh.

(Johnson stares at the bomb, completely panicked. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)

AGENT JOHNSON: Andy, the clock is running!

ANDY: I'm getting hungry. Are you sure we can't get a sandwhi--

(A massive explosion wipes out Philadelphia.)

Epilouge: The next day, after listing each of the 300,000 people killed in the ensuing blast as "questionable," Andy says he is dissapointed by the outcome of the blast but "There are always plays that you come out with that you wish you could have done over, but I'm not going to get into all of those."

Test your first-round playoff knowledge

Think you paid attention to this weekend's playoff action? Take this quiz to find out:

1) The best moment this weekend was:
a -- Tony Romo's mistake which sent the Cowboys home for the season
b -- David Akers' perfection which sent the Giants home for the season
c -- The steak in the pot sandwich I had as Westbrook scored
d -- Phil Simms' insightful commentary during the Jets game

2) The one thing you love to see on a field goal attempt is:
a -- Blood on Tony Romo's hand
b -- Koy Detmer and his birdlike face focused on catching the snap
c -- A big slice of provolone on that steak in the pot sandwich
d -- Carrie Underwood cheering in the stands

3) Eli Manning should be proud of:
a -- Throwing two post-season TDs, against four career playoff picks
b -- Tiki Barber running so well in the final loss of his NFL career
c -- His brother did worse than him (three picks for Peyton, one for Eli)
d -- Coach Tom Coughlin has that dopey, hopeless Manning face now too

4) How many New York teams lost in the NFL playoffs this weekend?
a -- Two
b -- Zero, but two New Jersey teams lost. Does that count?
c -- Really, didn't we all win this weekend?
d -- Hey, let's buy tickets for the Knicks!

5) During the game, I convinced myself that:
a -- I had to wear a very hot hot pack on my head for the Eagles to win
b -- I could not drop the plush football I was carrying or the Eagles would lose
c -- I might live to be 100 if I could stop watching football
d -- Eli Manning is a smart QB and a handsome man too

6) That Tony Romo play reminded me of:
a -- Tommy Hutton
b -- Koy Detmer, in that it was the opposite of everything that is Koy
c -- The Heimlich maneuver, because it was such an awful choke
d -- A really good steak in the pot sandwhich

7) Coach Coughlin should keep his job with the Giants because:
a -- another year with him and Eli won't complete even a five-yard pass
b -- another year with him and the Giants will get another top-five pick
c -- another year with him and the Eagles will have two more NFC East wins
d -- Jim Mora Jr. would be a much better coach for them to consider

8) Everyone is looking forward to:
a -- Next week's Saturday night showdown against the Saints (8 p.m.).
b -- Seeing what Westbrook's follow up to those 141 yards will be
c -- Draftsgiving Day, April 28 (write it down now)
d -- Tiki Barber's debut as the newest member on "The View"

9) The last Cowboys playoff win was:
a -- 1996, when Troy Aikman was still the QB
b -- Not sure, but I know they've gone 0-4 in the playoffs over the last decade
c -- Not sure, but I know the Eagles have won eight in the last six years
d -- Wins aren't as important as having a big contract and being a great WR

10) The most telling anagram of the weekend was:
a -- Eli Manning ~~ "Meaning? Nil."
b -- Tony Romo ~~ "Moron toy"
c -- Tiki Barber ~~ "Rib? Break it!"
d -- Brian Westbook ~~ "Took Barber's win"

Answer Key:
Question 1 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 2 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 3 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 4 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Knicks fan.
Question 5 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 6 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 7 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Falcons fan.
Question 8 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Giants fan.
Question 9 -- A, B, or C.
If you picked D, you're probably a flithy Cowboys fan.
Question 10 -- As good as the first three are, D is the right answer here.

God Bless David Akers

... and Koy Detmer too.

Facts I just made up

Hey, I just heard that Tony Romo is related to Tommy Hutton. Do you think Tommy will give him some tips?

Awarding the Awesome Cup

Without further ado, let's see how those predictions from September turned out:

TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1821 points, 11th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Raiders. Jim made a series of questionable moves (picking up all of the castoff Eagles the last week of the season? Relying on Eli Manning and T.O.?) and ended up at the bottom of the barrel. And yet he still finished above the actual Raiders, who somehow finished 12th in our league.

TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1833 points, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Browns. He had Charlie Frye as his QB, he had a bunch of wide recievers who you thought retired years ago (Eddie Kennison is still playing?) and he quietly put together an awful season.

TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1848 points, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Lions. Just when it looked like I'd finish in last place, I pulled off a win in the last game of the season to save face ... and deprive me of any chance of the first draft pick next year. Oops.
Actual quote from those August predictions: "I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top."

TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883 points, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Hotlanta Falcons. Neal had tons of RBs (Westbrook, McCallister, Barber, Maroney and the infamous Fred Taylor), started off strong, and then took a page out of the Jim Mora Jr. playbook by forgetting to look at his team for the second half of the season.

TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1897 points, 7th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Maryland Racial Slurs. Paul loaded up on wide receivers, just like Joe Gibbs, he made a big trade to try and bolster his team, just like Joe Gibbs, and finished in the bottom third of the league, just like Joe Gibbs.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2020 points, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Steelers. It was a dissapointing year for the defending champ, who had to deal with a much tougher division and an inconsistent defense (in his case, KC and Indy). But on the bright side, Jeff did score a endorsement deal with Fathead, just like Ben Rothlisberger. Although, it was for a totally different reason in Jeff's case. I'm sorry -- I didn't know eating fish from the Olentangy River would do that to you.

TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2074 points, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Miami Dolphins. Everyone expected much more out of Heidi's team this year, and finishing outside the playoffs is a major upset. I mean, if we had playoffs, she probably would have finished outside them. And that probably would have been an upset. Also, Chris Chambers didn't help either her team or Miami's.

TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2153 points, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Colts. He did pretty good this year, but no one is all that impressed. By the way, I nailed this prediction. One out of 11 ain't bad. That's still better than the Raiders.

TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2312 points, 3rd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Kansas City Chiefs. Joanna rode Larry Johnson to a just-good-enough finish, and much like new Chefs coach Herm Edwards, she can't name anyone else on her team.
Actual quote from those August predictions: "Every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology."

TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2339 points, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The Chargers (because his whole team was basically LaDanian Tomlinson) and the Ravens (because no one has any clue how he finished so high in the standings). But, just like both of those teams, he doesn't win the big prize because of the feel-good story of the year ahead of him ...

TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2433 points, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: The New Orleans Saints. Eric was the coach of the year, making a series of savvy trades (you screwed me on that Grossman deal) and smart waiver wire pick-ups (although Tony Romo looks crappy now) to sneak out just enough points to win it all. And while the Saints still have a few more weeks before they win the Super Bowl (I'm accepting bets on that one) Eric gets his well-earned prize right now: His name etched among the champions. Congrats.

Fantasy football recap, week 17

Top performers
QB: John Kitna, 36.74 points -- started by Ant
RB: Tiki Barber, 46.00 points -- started by Neal
WR: Steve Smith, 26.77 points -- started by Jeff
TE: Kellen Winslow, 17.60 points -- started by Eric
K: Olindo Mare, 17.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Green Bay, 32.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
        The two top offensive players on the waiver wire this week were A.J. Feeley (31.13 points) and Hank Baskett (24.80 points), which is a surprise because we all knew they'd have huge games this week. Why didn't you pick them up?

Worst performers, season-ending stats edition
Third place: Derrick Ross, -1.20 points -- sitting on the waiver
Second place: Miles Austin, -2.00 points -- sitting on the waiver
First place: Brodie Croyle, -3.38 points -- sitting on the waiver
        In his only appearance this year, Chiefs QB Croyle threw for 23 yards with two picks, and rushed once for -3 yards, to produce the worst fantasy resume of the year. I hope he's got a mutli-year contract.

Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        I'll make it simple this week: If you're an NFL coach, your job is on the line, you're playing against a team which is using all of it's backups and you're using your starters, and you get beaten pretty convincingly, you blew it. Falcons coach Jim Mora Jr. could not figure out how to handle the fearsome combination of A.J. Feeley and Matt Schobel, so he earns this week's award.
        I don't understand why the Falcons' owner didn't fire Mora 30 seconds after the Eagles game ended yesterday, instead of waiting until noon on Monday.

Fun season ending stats
** The Eagles are the only team to have three different QBs pass for 300 yards in a game this season (McNabb had four, Garcia one, Feeley one). For comparison, Jacksonville, Denver, San Francisco and Seattle had no 300-yard passers this year.
** LaDanian Tomlinson has more points by himself this year (198) than the entire Oakland Raiders team (168). He also finished with more TDs (33) than 11 other teams.
** Eli Manning finished with a lower QB rating (77.0) than all three Eagles QBs who appeared in games this year (Feeley had 122.9, Garcia had 95.8, McNabb had 95.5) but more interceptions than all three combined (18 for Manning vs. 8 for the other three).

Stupidest things I heard this week
        I thought I wasn't going to hear anything close to as mind-numbingly dumb as Brian Baldinger on Sunday during the Dallas broadcast. First he announced that "John Kitna is the only quarterback in the league to take every snap for the Detroit Lions this year," then immediately followed it up with this exchange:
** Kenny Albert -- "And Mike Furrey with a catch. Last year, he wasn't even playing wide receiver. He was a safety for the Rams and was converted to a receiver in the offseason."
** Baldinger -- "Yeah, last year he wasn't even playing receiver. He was a safety in St. Louis, and when the Lions signed him they decided to try him out catching passes."
        Thanks for that insight.
        So I thought there was no contest, until Lee Corso helped me wake up Monday morning by telling me that the Wolverines were in for a tough Rose Bowl game against the Trojans, and "for Michigan to beat USC tonight, they're going to need to run the ball AND pass the ball tonight."
        He was right -- Michigan ended up losing the game with their "punt on every down" offensive strategy.
        And just a minute ago, as I was writing this, Stuart Scott said "And we'll put the ill in illest with the ten most boo-ya plays of the year" and Ron Jaworski said "Coaches coach against coaches." My head hurts.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        After that pathetic display this week, what are "The Dallas Cowboys' playoff chances?" Let's re-arrange the letters to see:
** Fact: Hey, no hope. Cow-scabs fall sadly. **
        It must be true. That one took me like three minutes, and I didn't even have to rig a player's name to get it. It's just right there. How can you deny that?

For the record
** No professional column this week, sorry to say. Maybe I'll be back next year.
** Dad went down in flames, giving me the pride of outpicking him for the year. In the 11 years we've been doing this, I now hold an impressive 3-8 record against him, including two wins in the last three years. I'm just like the 1970 Pittsburgh Steelers.
** Props to Joanna, who placed first, third and third in her three fantasy leagues this year. I, on the other hand, made $115 in various football related gambling this year. So who really knows more about football in this house?
        OK, it's still probably Jo. But still...
** The NFL Primtime guys just made up for those early comments:
        Jaworski: "The Eagles are the clear-cut favorites for the Super Bowl. Their backups just beat the Atlanta Falcons!"
        Mike Ditka: "You're gonna bring the Falcons into this argument? Really?"

Our standings at year end
        And the winner is ...
        Well, you know already. So I'll have a long, full season wrap-up for you tomorrow in leiu of a short and witty comment now. So come back Wednesday morning.