Fantasy league 2019 -- week 8 recap

The best Halloween names on current NFL teams.

** Bills RB Frank Gore
** Racial Slurs WR “Scary” Terry McLaurin (his actual nickname)
** Raiders CB DJ Killings
** Patriots K Stephen Gost-kowski
** Cowboys owner Jerry “Cryptkeeper” Jones
** Panthers RB Mike Boo-ne
** Vikings LS Austin Cutting
** Patriots QB Tom “I’ll be cheating until I’m 60” Brady

QB: Daniel Jones, 36.18 pts — on the wire
WR: Mike Evans, 30.70 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tevin Coleman, 36.37 pts — started by Jo
TE: Ryan Griffin, 20.90 pts — on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 22.00 pts — started by me
D: Bruce Irvin, 12.50 pts — on the wire

You know it’s a rough fantasy week when the best QB was the starter for a Giants team that lost.

Missing from this list is Rams WR Cooper Kupp, who hauled in seven passes for 220 yds but had one less TD than Evans (who had a paltry 198 receiving yds).

And Coleman had one of the weirdest RB lines you’ll ever see: 13 touches, 118 total yds, 4 TDs. He scored almost one out of every three times he touched the ball. You think they’d use him more often with that kind of skill…


“Meh QBs” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Mullins, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Dwayne Haskins, -0.68 pts — on the wire

Both Bridgewater and Mullins came in for mop-up work in big wins and recorded a few kneel-downs. Haskins, on the other hand, played the second half of the Maryland Racial Slurs’ Thursday game against the Vikings, and managed only 33 passing yds and an interception in what had been a close game. For the season, he has 140 passing yds and four turnovers, worth -0.10 pts. Not a great look for the former Ohio State great.


** After being released from the Eagles for subpar play, CB Orlando Scandrick ripped players on the team, saying that “I felt like they were still living off that Super Bowl high. It's over. They're living in the past."

It’s a confusing statement to hear from Scandrick, an 11-year veteran who spent his first nine years with the Cowboys, because Dallas only won two playoff games in his entire tenure there, so how does he know what it’s like to have a Super Bowl high?

** The NBC DC 11 pm news on Saturday night had a live report from Natinals Park during game 4 of the World Series. The local team was down 8-1 in the 8th inning at the time, but correspondent Shomari Stone noted that fans were still holding strong hoping for a rally … as the camera showed a steady stream of fans behind him leaving the park early.

I dunno, maybe just angle a different direction before you lie about how faithful the local fans are.

** Headline on AL.com this week: “Alabama now leads nation in one of Nick Saban’s favorite stats.”
I’ll spare you the click: It’s turnover margin. You know, the little known football stat that only Red Tide coaching genius Nick Saban knows about. From the article:

“Nick Saban has consistently called turnover differential one of the three most indicative stats tied to success in the game. Third-down conversions and big plays also make the list and Alabama’s offense is ranked in the top 10 of those categories as well.”

Have more big plays, more offensive possession and fewer turnovers than your opponent and you’ll win. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

A quick look at current team memorabilia for sale on NFL.com vs. how many game tickets that would buy on StubHub:

— Autographed Jets QB Sam Darnold helmet ~~ $284.99
Jets at Maryland tickets ~~ starting at $15
Your choice: Pay nearly $300 for the signature of a QB who sees ghosts when he plays or spent the same amount of money to take 18 friends with you to FedEx field to see Darnold struggle in real life. Tough call.

— Autographed Bengals AJ Green jersey ~~ $224.99
Bengals at Miami tickets ~~ starting at $17
You could only bring 12 friends with you for the price of the jersey, but you also most likely won’t get to see Green’s name on the field if you do that. He’s been out with a leg injury all year.

— Autographed Falcons QB Matt Ryan framed jersey display ~~ $622.49
Bucs at Atlanta tickets ~~ starting at $22
One fancy jersey, or twenty-eight tickets for a pivotal matchup between the third and fourth place teams in the NFC South. Oh and Ryan may not be at the game either, since he missed his start last week with an injury.

— Autographed Giants WR Odell Beckam picture ~~ $202.49
Dolphins at Giants tickets ~~ starting at $52
You couldn’t even afford four tickets in New Jersey at the price of the picture, but at least you’d know what team all the players are on. Despite Beckham being traded to the Browns six months ago, this is still a top seller on the Giants’ fan page.


The Cowboys invested a fourth-round pick in running back Tony Pollard last spring in an effort to help stabilize their offense, given past problems with star RB Ezekiel Elliott. And the good news for Dallas is that Pollard has been a perfect fit thus far, in game play and a complete lack of moral character. No surprise, it’s all right there in his name:

RB Tony Pollard
** Portly-born lad
** Brandy trollop
** Torn, baldy pro
** Drab pony troll
** No try, ball drop

Remember, you can’t spell Pollard without “plod.” Or “lard.” Or “rap doll,” but I’m not sure if that really applies here.

** Another week, another tie with Dad. For the year, I’m down eight in our weekly picks and 0-5-3 in our head-to-head matchups. The good news is that if I continue tanking like this, I’ll be in good position for the top draft pick next year.

** I still hate the Natinals.

** At 4-4, the Eagles are ninth in the NFC playoff race. The good news is that they’re somehow only half a game behind the Cowboys for the division lead. The bad news is they still somehow looked pretty bad in a 31-13 win this week.

Week 8 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1048.05 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1035.53 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 969.95 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 951.94 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 941.89 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 922.13 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 909.50 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 871.09 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 866.66 pts
10 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 865.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 813.25 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 21.90 pts

Huge, huge, HUGE week from Sam, who posted an unreal 197.86 pts this week and jumped from 8th to 3rd. And he did it with three players on a bye, and none of the top performers of the week — just solid 20-plus pts performances from almost his entire squad. Crazy.

But perhaps not as crazy as Joey McDeadaccount, who got his first TD of the year on a 45-yard bomb by Lions WR Marvin Hall (who has accounted for all of his team’s points). One more week like this and I’m going to have to find the login for that account, so I can drop Hall.

An OK week by my team coupled with a very strong week from Mike puts him into first place, but I get my starting QB off a bye on Sunday (but against my defense, so…)

Remember that the 49ers play this Thursday, so get your team ready. The Cardinals play that night too, but nobody really cares.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 7 recap

Minor points of concern after the latest Eagles game:

** They gave up 14 points in the first six minutes of play this week.
** They have trailed by double digits in the first half of six of their seven games.
** They have surrendered 37-plus points each of their last two games.
** They haven’t had a 100-yard rusher since Oct. 1, 2017.
** They have lost four in a row to the Cowboys.
** They are not good.

Other than that, the team looks solid.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.76 pts — started by Joel
WR: Marvin Jones Jr., 35.20 pts — started by Mom
RB: Chase Edmonds, 33.20 pts — on Mom’s bench
TE: Darren Waller, 23.90 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 34.00 pts — started by me
D: Chandler Jones, 14.50 pts — started by Mike

So close! If only anyone could figure out who the Cardinals are starting at RB on any given week. Chase Edmonds — the Arizona backup who rushed for 126 yds and three TDs on Sunday — ruined everyone’s fantasy day because starting RB David Johnson wasn’t hurt, but then didn’t really play. Either be a starter or a bench guy, Chase. You’re not helping anyone out if we don’t know whether to start you.

A 50-plus pts fantasy performance is pretty rare, and now we’ve had two in the last three weeks. Following DeSean Watson’s six TD day earlier this month, Rodgers posted his own on Sunday: 429 passing yds, 5 passing TDs, and one rushing score. It’s only the third time this year that Rodgers has been above the 20 fantasy pts mark, and only the third time since the start of the 2018 season that he has thrown at least three TDs a game. For comparison, QB Carson Wentz has five over that span (in five fewer games) and wasn’t getting drafted by anyone in the first four rounds of fantasy drafts. About time Rodgers lived up to his hype.

Jones’ four TD receiving day gave him more end zone visits in one afternoon than WRs Michael Thomas, Alshon Jeffery, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Odell Beckham and Davante Adams have on the season so far. He also managed to do it without breaking 100 yards in receptions, which seems mathematically impossible.


“Bad D” edition

3rd place: Atlanta, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Three games after almost upsetting the Kansas City Chiefs, the Lions are now in complete free fall. On Sunday they allowed 42 pts, recorded no turnover or sacks, and earned the worst possible defensive fantasy score this week. The good news is they play the Raiders in two more weeks, so maybe the complete lack of defense won’t matter as much then.

Not included on the list: The Eagles defense, which did not play this week. I mean, I can’t find any evidence they did…


“Sam Darnold” edition

1st place: Sam Darnold, -6.66 pts — on the wire

That score is not a misprint.

Jets QB Sam Darnold had a night on Monday, throwing four interceptions and fumbling once (and giving up a safety) against only 86 passing yds. You were worth 6.66 more fantasy points than Darnold this week without ever leaving the couch.

Amazingly, however, it doesn’t even crack the top five of the worst single-game fantasy performances of the last 15 years. Former Bears QB Rex Grossman had two games in 2006 alone where he posted fewer than -6.7 fantasy points. And two years ago, then Bills QB Nathan Peterman (still in the league, somehow) dropped a -6.96 pts score thanks to five interceptions against six completions for 66 yds (6-6-6, sensing a pattern here?).

For the record, Darnold’s performance equaled a 3.6 QB rating, more than 10 times worse than the 39.6 rating he would have recorded if he simply threw his first pass into the ground and left the field. Although, if he aimed for the ground, he still probably would have been intercepted.

** On Sunday morning, before the professional football began but after the collegiate football had finished for the weekend, ESPN’s SportsCenter trotted out its top plays of the previous day. Number #1 on the list was a spectacular fourth-quarter juggling interception by the Air Force football team (not the actual military force, that would be a very different choice) at the opposite 8-yard line that was returned for a TD, to put the cap on a 56-26 blowout of Hawaii (the football team, not the state).

It’s a solid pick … if #2 wasn’t the two-run walk-off home run that send the Houston Astros to the World Series. That play was arguably the most important moment in the American League playoffs so far. The Air Force interception didn’t even effect the point spread.

But ESPN has made a business out of choosing cool looking plays over actual substance, so way to stay on message.

** From NFL.com’s “what did we learn in week 7” column: “The Redskins (1-6) deserve some credit for nearly spoiling the 49ers' undefeated season.”

They lost 9-0. I went back and checked, and no team in NFL history has managed to win a game without scoring a point. Praise the Racial Slurs’ defense if you want, but don’t say they almost won when they never got on the scoreboard.

Trades aren’t as common in the NFL as other sports leagues, but as the end-of-month trade deadline approaches, several big names are expected to make some moves. On Tuesday alone, the Patriots acquired WR Mohamed Sanu from the Falcons and the 49ers got Broncos WR Emmanuel Sanders. Here’s a few other teams considering major shake-ups:

** Bengals: Cincinnati is contemplating trading Pro Bowl WR AJ Green in exchange for at least two professional-level football players, thereby doubling their current total.

** Browns: Cleveland ownership has been in talks with the Lakers to acquire LeBron James, because why not?

** Eagles: Team officials are offering a third-round draft pick for an easily injured cornerback to add to their current collection.

** Chargers and Rams: In light of the teams’ recent slides, Los Angeles officials have said they are willing to trade one or both teams to any interested city with a solid MLS squad.

** Giants: The team would like to exchange QB Eli Manning for a less frumpy looking paperweight.

** Patriots: Coach Bill Belechick announced in a press conference that any player on his team is up for trade in exchange for unicorn blood to help keep him alive.



Xavier Su'a-Filo is a five-year pro who played college ball in UCLA and has been considered a solid if not special offensive liveman. The Cowboys are his third professional team since entering the league, but Dallas officials are confident he’ll be a long-term fit for their organization considering his … unique … character. Consider:

Cowboys O-lineman Xavier Su'a-Filo
** Our wily vision -- Box o’ malfeasance

Getting the dash and the apostrophe to work in there should have been more of a challenge, honestly.

** When is a tie a win? When I don’t lose to Dad in the weekly picks. I’m still looking for my first victory of the season, but at least I didn’t lose ground, splitting our picks on Sunday. Thank you to the Titans for your goal-line stand to leave me at a mere 8 games back.

** Fun fact I heard this week: With their ALCS defeat this weekend, the Yankees failed to reach the World Series at all in the 2010s. It’s the first decade they have not played in the final championship series at least once since the 1910s.
So, take that, NY.

** So, basketball, eh? At least that will take a few months to be completely disappointing?

Week 7 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 930.52 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 888.17 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 836.48 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D) 820.38 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 801.06 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 783.44 pts
7 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 781.54 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 772.09 pts
9 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 771.04 pts
10 — ToMediocreOrLess (Paul), 734.52 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 716.98 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 12.13 pts

Joey actually had two players score this week, but he left 0.90 pts on his bench by not starting one of them. Poor strategy by him.

But good strategy by me. Another first-place finish this week coupled with a mediocre showing by Mike gives me a good bit of breathing room atop the standings. Special thanks to the New England defense for continuing to play terrible teams.

Mom D is charging up the charts, just a few points behind third place, and Joanna’s big week jumped her up a few spots. Jeff’s team took a hit this week, and I’m not sure Paul’s team lived up to its new name.

Thursday Night Football this week is the Vikings vs. the Maryland Racial Slurs. The commercials for the game have had an annoying eight-year-old getting in a trash talking contest against a grown man (and winning, because the Maryland fan can’t reference any success from the last two decades). I imagine the game isn’t going to be much more interesting than that sorry display of an ad, but get your rosters set anyway.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 6 recap

 

The new XFL, set to begin play next spring, is holding its inaugural player draft this week. Already such luminary QBs Cardale Jones and Matt McGloin have been assigned to the league’s eight teams, but here are a few other big names franchises should be targeting in the draft:

— Tampa Bay Vipers: QB Vincent Testaverde, son of longtime Buccaneers QB Vinny Testaverde, makes sense here as an appeal to the local fan base, since there are no other notable QBs in Tampa football history.

— St. Louis Battlehawks: If Punter Brad Wing can’t get drafted by a team named the Battlehawks, why are we even doing this?

— Los Angeles Wildcats: Former Delaware WR Vinny Papale, son of Eagles walk-on Vince Papale, makes sense due to the team’s proximity to Hollywood and the opportunity for a sequel to the movie “Invincible.”

— D.C. Defenders: RB Matt Jones, known as Fat Matt during his days with the Maryland Racial Slurs, could return to the DC area to prove the problem was with how awful Dan Synder runs his franchise and not Jones’ talent.

— New York Guardians: They should try and draft QB Eli Manning. It’s not like he’s doing anything useful in the NFL right now.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 38.94 pts — started by Mike
WR: Stefon Diggs, 34.93 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Nick Chubb, 25.83 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Hunter Henry, 22.67 pts — on the wire
K: Joey Slye, 15.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 28.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: (tie) New England, 28.00 pts — started by me
D: Devin Bush, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Six QBs topped 30 fantasy pts this week, but Ryan was the only one of the group who managed to lose his game despite his stats. Congrats! He also has the most TD passes in the league (15) and the second-least wins in the league (one, over the Eagles).

Another ridiculous week by the New England defense gives them 141 fantasy pts for the season thus far, almost twice as many as the second-place San Francisco 49ers (77 pts). The combined record of their six opponents so far is a eye-popping 10-23, with four of those wins coming from the Bills (the only team with a winning record the Patriots have played). They’ll face two more squads with losing records before starting the real part of their schedule: consecutive games against the Ravens, Eagles, Cowboys, Texans and Chiefs. We’ll see if their defense is still scoring double-digit fantasy points after that.


“Skill positions” edition

3rd place: Josh Rosen, -0.60 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Marcus Mariota, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud, -1.80 pts — on the wire

Bucs QB Jameis Winston threw five interceptions this week, and wasn’t close to the worst QB to take the field. Mariota and Rosen were both top-10 picks and both managed to be complete drains on their teams this week, combining for four interceptions, less than 150 yds passing and no scores. Both ended up on the bench at the end of their games. Rosen has only thrown one TD against five interceptions on the season, and is worth 19.98 fantasy pts after five games — just about 160 pts behind league-leader Russell Wilson.

Believe it or not, the Eagles defense wasn’t the worst in the league this week (tied for third). That total goes to Matt Ryan’s Falcons, who surrendered 34 pts and had no turnovers or sacks. So the Eagles may have given up more yards and points in their game, and they lost to another key playoff contender, and they lost to the Vikings for the second year in a row, but at least they you know what nevermind it was the worst performance of the week.

** I couldn’t pick my least favorite Cris Collinsworth moment of Sunday night, so you pick which one is worse:

While talking about Steelers third-string QB Devlin Hodges — pressed into service by multiple Pittsburgh injuries this season — Collinsworth noted that he passed for 14,500 yds at Samford college, setting the new record FCS record. “That counts for something,” Collinsworth said. “14,000 yards is hard to throw for against air!”

I tested out Collinsworth’s theory the next day, casually tossing a football into the air in my living room. The air, as expected, provided little opposition. My throws were only about a foot and I stopped after about 15 throws, but I’m betting if I really focused and spent 20 minutes every night for four years (Hodges, after all, got four years to set that mark) I could top 20,000 yds easy.

Collinsworth was a wideout, so it’s no surprise that he thinks air must provide some opposition to the QB. After all, if it doesn’t, why didn’t the ball get thrown to him every time?

** Collinsworth, a few minutes after that gem, was lauding Steelers RB James Connor for pushing through two defenders. “He’s always fighting,” the NBC commentator said. “You knew he’d be a fighter after overcoming cancer.”

First off, no. Fighting for yards in a game is not the same thing as having the mental fortitude to weather the pain of chemotherapy. But, more importantly, you know how we know Connor is a fighter on the football field? Maybe all of his play last season, where he gained more than 1,400 yds. His last cancer treatment was almost four years ago. Might as well throw in there “you knew he’d be a fighter after he survived that C- in freshman English.”

** Following his team’s loss to the previously winless New Jersey Jets, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he does not believe his team is “really one of the top teams” in the NFL.

Your team has lost three in a row and couldn’t beat the winless Jets, Jerry. No one thinks they’re one of the top teams.

The Vatican caused a minor NFL stir this week when the Pope sent out a tweet about Catholic saints that included the hashtag for the New Orleans Saints. A lot of folks make puns about the Saints’ win coming via support from a higher power, but this isn’t the first time a religious organization has backed an NFL team. Consider these tweets from just the last few weeks:

— We support the #Bears and all our woodland friends. Crush those bloodthirsty meat #Packers! ~~~ @WiccansUnited

— Odin smiles on our #Vikings today! ~~~ @NorsemenOfTheWorld

— You know what to do, #Lions. Make a meal of those lousy theists. ~~~ @AntiChristianCoalition

— Your puny #Giants are no match for our wondrous #Titans. Zeus commands you to go home! ~~~ @AncientGreekRevival

— Let’s go #Cowboys! We stand with you! ~~~ @ChurchOfSatan


Big week in Big D — The Eagles travel down to Texas this week to decide whether they or the Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East. Both teams are coming off demoralizing losses, and the two co-leaders of the division won’t face off again until the second-to-last week of the season.
But it’s more than just a football game. It’s really a morality play we get to witness twice a year, a periodic referendum on the status of the universe. Can the spreading darkness and dread of the Cowboys ethos be stopped by servants of light? Have we as a people lost our way, or is Dallas headed for a well-deserved and cleansing loss?

In times like these, my friends, we can only turn to the letters themselves for to speak truth and wisdom.

The Eagles Cowboys rivalry resumes Sunday 
 ** Yes — Good men always best evil curses. Hurray!

Remember: You can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Let’s hope good prevails again.

** I’m down 8 to Dad in our weekly picks and really have no idea how I’m ever going to win a week again.

** Gawd, I really hate the Natinals.

** Thank you, Coach Pederson, for promising a win over the Cowboys next Sunday night and causing a few extra days of anxiety that I didn’t need.

Week 6 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 799.21 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 788.25 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 719.49 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 714.06 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 702.71 pts
6 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 687.11 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 670.00 pts
8 — Philly Special (Jo), 659.29 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 659.09 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 635.49 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 597.32 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 8.50 pts

Another huge week for Mike (167+ pts) puts him just a hair below first place (I was this close to topping 800 pts this week) and creates a big gap between the top two in the standings and the rest of the crowd. Jeff and Mom D also made impressive pushes up the charts this week, and don’t sleep on Bob climbing up from the bottom of the rankings to respectable territory.

On the flip side, bye weeks killed Dad’s momentum, and I’m pretty sure Jo hasn’t set her roster in weeks. And Anthony’s misplaced faith in the Eagles defense prompted him to leave Stefon Diggs and his 35 fantasy pts on the bench, costing him a medal position for the week.

But the biggest shocker of the week may be Joey McDeadAccount again posting big point totals — WR Marvin Hall of the Lions (not to be confused with WR Marvin Jones of the Lions) had a 58-yard catch at the start of Monday night’s game, doubling our last-place squad’s point total for the season. Joey is on pace to score 24 pts on the season, better known as a standard Lamar Jackson scoring day.

Thursday night’s game is the Chefs vs the remains of the Denver Broncos, a pivotal AFC West match-up that would be so much better on a Sunday afternoon than on a short week’s rest. Get your lineups set anyway.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 5 recap

The Eagles extended an unusual decades-long streak on Sunday: They didn’t lose the New Jersey Jets. Since the former AFL franchise began play in 1960, the Jets’ have never beaten the Eagles, in the regular season or the playoffs. It’s the longest such streak (11-0) of a short list of teams who have never won a game against another franchise (The Texans have also never beaten the Eagles, in five tries).

In honor of the achievement, let’s take a quick look back at the first contest between the two teams — a 24-23 win in Philadelphia on Dec. 9, 1973 — to get a sense of how much time has passed:

** Eagles WR Harold Carmichael was the star of that contest, catching five passes for 146 yds and a TD.

** The game happened so long ago that the Jets franchise was actually located in New York at the time, playing in Shea Stadium before moving to their current home in the Garden State.

** Almost three years to the day after the game was played, Donovan McNabb was born. He would add two more Eagles wins to the list in the early 2000s.

** At the time of this game, the Jets were still considered a good franchise. They won a Super Bowl just five years prior. The current New Jersey team has had only one winning season in the last eight years.

** The Jets won’t get another shot at the Eagles until 2023, unless the two teams meet in the Super Bowl before then. See the prior item for the likelihood of that.

 

QB: Deshaun Watson, 51.74 pts — started by Paul
WR: Will Fuller V, 39.47 pts — started by Mike
RB: Aaron Jones, 43.30 pts — started by Sam
TE: Darren Fells, 14.33 pts — on the wire
K: Justin Tucker, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: Philadelphia, 38.00 pts — on the wire
D: Orlando Scandrick, 17.50 pts — on the wire

And you call yourselves Eagles fans. Two Philly names on the top performers list and neither one of them started by anyone in the league. You all should be ashamed.

How crazy was this week for fantasy? Our top performers leave out WRs Michael Thomas (182 yds, 2 TDs), DJ Chark (164 yds, 2 TDs) and Amari Cooper (226 yds, 1 TD) along with RB Christian McCafferty (237 total yds, 3 TDs) and QB Dak Prescott (463 yds, 2 TDs and 3 INTs). Jones had four TDs in the game against the Cowboys, Fuller had 3 and 217 yds receiving, and Watson had 5 TDs, 426 yds passing and 47 more rushing to top the 50-point mark.

If you had the perfect lineup this week (the above 7, plus McCafferty, Thomas, Chark, RB Josh Jacobs, and LB Brian Burns) you would have scored an insane 332 pts. As is was, those points were pretty evenly spread among all of our teams. Way to be supporting the concept of group sharing and communism, you lousy hippies.



“Players from the Eagles/Jets game” edition

3rd place: Josh McCown, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Luke Falk, -1.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Corey Clement, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Clement gave the Jets their only points of the afternoon when he fumbled a punt deep in Eagles territory. Remember when this guy was a Super Bowl hero? So far he is worth -2.04 fantasy pts this season. Ouch. And now he's probably the Eagles #3 running back, because Darren Sproles is dead again.

Falk, the third-string QB pressed into service this season for the New Jersey Aeroplanes, was 15 for 26 with 120 yds and 2 interceptions (one returned for a TD). That’s a passer rating of 37.3, slightly worse than your QB rating of 39.5 on Sunday (1 attempt, 0 yds). He also had a fumble returned for a TD and was sacked 10 times. Also, there are reports that the Eagles defense stole his lunch money.

It’s worth noting here that the Cowboys defense was worth -1.00 pts this week. So, that’s fun.

** After K Cairo Santos missed four FGs in a 14-7 loss to the Bills on Sunday, the Tennessee Titans cut him from the team. To replace him, the squad signed former Bears K Cody Parkey.

Because nothing settles your kicking problems like bringing in another guy who missed four FGs in a game last year and is best known for hitting the uprights twice to lose a playoff contest.

** Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler still hasn’t been fired, which is pretty dumb.

** There is a ceramic Halloween display up the street from my house that has a bunch of jack-o-lanterns and the word “Scary!” written underneath. And it’s clearly not scary, and it hurts my brain every time I drive by.

For the second week in a row, the NFL boasts a rare treat for October this weekend: A match-up of two winless teams. Next Sunday it’s the 0-4 Dolphins hosting the 0-5 Maryland Racial Slurs in Miami, where the visitors are actually a 3.5-point favorite in the early betting. And even though one team will likely come out of this contest with a win (0-0 tie is in play), there’s a good chance it’s not the last time we’ll get to see a battle of the worst this season. Here’s a quick overview of the bottom of the NFL standings:

** Maryland Racial Slurs
0-5, 14.6 pts scored per game, 30.2 pts allowed per game.
The Slurs have faced a brutal early schedule featuring four 2018 playoff teams: Eagles, Cowboys, Patriots and Bears. But they have also fielded three mediocre QBs, inflamed a months-long standoff with their top offensive lineman, and just yesterday fired their head coach. So maybe the schedule alone isn’t to blame.

** Cincinnati Bengals
0-5, 16 pts scored per game, 27.2 pts allowed per game
On paper the Slurs are a worse team, but the Bengals just lost to the previously 0-3-1 Cardinals this week on a last-second FG, so they get ranked lower. Their four of their next five are against teams with winning records, with the Jaguars as the only sub-.500 contest. So 0-10 is in play.

** New Jersey Jets
0-4, 9.75 pts scored per game, 25.25 pts allowed per game
The good news for the Jets is that they get to play the Slurs, Bengals and Dolphins twice in a six-week span starting in November. The bad news is they play the Patriots, Cowboys and Jaguars before that, so they could enter the Dolphins game in week 9 at 0-7. The team fielded their fourth QB of the season against the Eagles on Sunday, but starter Sam Darnold is expected to return from mononucleosis treatments soon. Unless he doesn’t.

** Miami Dolphins
0-4, 6.5 pts scored per game, 40.75 pts allowed per game
Read that again. That’s a 34-point difference in games so far this year. It’s like the Dolphins managed to give up additional points in their bye week. If they continue at this pace — and they might — they could end up being outscored by more than 540 points this year. It’s truly spectacular ineptitude.


One of the more surprising rookie additions to the Dallas squad this year has been WR Ventell Bryant, not because of this production but because of his origin. Bryant is the all-time leading WR in receptions and yards at Temple University, the pride of the City of Brotherly Love. So how does a man who spent time playing football in Philadelphia end up as a Cowboy?

Fate, in this case.

Dallas Rookie Wideout Ventell Bryant
** Deadly traitor be a known, vile sell-out

Sometimes all the education in the world can’t make you a better person.

** A tie is a win — I managed to go 2-2 against Dad in the picks this week for my first non-losing match-up of the season. Thank you to the Niners and Seahawks for holding me up, even though I don’t really believe in either of your teams. Still seven down on Dad for the year.

** Please make the Washington Natinals go away already.

Week 5 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 639.27 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 620.84 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 615.68 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 597.78 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 590.49 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 586.27 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 576.13 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 571.01 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 565.58 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 529.73 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 484.60 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 4.13 pts

Doyle corner has one less occupant, as Mike surged up the standings this week behind a 152-pts performance. He’s just one good Mike Evans performance away from taking over the top spot (Evans was held scoreless this week, FYI) and could have all-world fantasy performer Saquon Barkley back soon.

I’m still atop the standings but definitely looking back and Mike and Ant. Dad, who thinks he is getting closer to first place but still is not, remains in fourth with all the other teams that haven’t cracked 600 pts on the season yet. Toy Story Paul is pulling away from Joel for the second-to-last spot, but we’ll see if that can last.

Good old Joe McDeadaccount didn’t pick up any extra points this week, because his one active receiver was on a bye week. He is averaging less than a point a week so far this season, which puts him on pace to finish just ahead of the Dolphins.

Thursday night game this week is the Giants vs the Patriots, so expect 10,000 replays of the Super Bowls where Eli got MVP awards for no real reason. And Sunday marks our first 9:30 am game of the season, Panthers vs Bucs, because the NFL hates you and does not want you to be able to watch football when it’s convenient.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 4 recap

 

Eleven months ago, Phillies owner John Middleton said that he was going into the offseason “expecting to spend money, and maybe even be stupid about it.” Here’s how that played out:

** Spent $30 million on the 59th ranked player in baseball (OF Bryce Harper).

** Spent $10 million on another OF who played about one-third of the season (Andrew McCutchen).

** Spent $5.4 million on another OF who played about one-quarter of the season (Odubel Herrera).

** Spent $25 million on a SP who went 8-8 with a 4.64 ERA (Jake Arrieta).

** Spent $10 million on a RP who threw fewer than seven innings on the year (David Robertson).

** Spent $9 million on another RP who threw fewer than six innings on the year (Tommy Hunter).

** Spent $7.8 million on another RP who threw only 18 innings this year (Pat Neshek).

** Spent $9.2 million on another RP who posted a 4.75 ERA (Juan Nicasio).

** Spent $1 million on a manager who has no clear ability to manage (Gabe Kapler).

Stupid indeed. Congrats on that 4th place finish in the division with a payroll $20 million above the first place team.

 

QB: Jameis Winston, 37.30 pts — on the wire
WR: Chris Godwin, 29.47 pts — started by Joel
RB: Nick Chubb, 30.48 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Austin Hooper, 13.67 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 27.00 pts — on the wire
D: Erik Harris, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Good showing by Jeff, but two of those categories are pretty low scoring. He could have traded in the TE and K for the DEF and only lost 1 point.

If you had the Bucs breaking out against the Rams this week, I would like to sign up for your investment newsletter. Tampa Bay scored 55 pts against what was a decent Rams defense coming into this week, and Winston (who is terrible) posted a 120.5 QB rating with four TDs, 385 yds passing and only one interception. Combined with the Cowboys loss and the Eagles stunning win over the Packers on Thursday night, I have come to the conclusion that no one is any good in the NFC.


“More bad defense” edition

2nd place: Miami, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place (tie): Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Joel
1st place (tie): Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by Jo

Things could have been even worse for the Ravens, who had an interception and a sack to recover a few fantasy pts after allowing 40 on the scoreboard to the Browns. And Green Bay looked solid for a lot of the first half of the game against the Eagles, but never managed a turnover or a sack.

But the most exciting story here are the Dolphins, whose defense has now totaled -6.00 pts through four weeks of play. That’s really, really tough to do. So far Miami has scored 26 pts on the year but given up 163 through four games. A minus-137 points differential projects out to being outscored on the season by 78 touchdowns (and a field goal). And somehow, they’re tied with four other teams for the worst record in the league, because there is so much bad out there right now.

** After Sunday’s sloppy, come-from-behind victory over the Lions, Chiefs Coach Andy Reid celebrated with his team in the locker room by yelling out “Not all of Mozart’s paintings were perfect!”

Although, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that Reid can’t tell the difference between music and paintings when we know he can’t tell the difference between a two-minute drill and a 10-minute one.

** Here is an excerpt from the review from masslive.com of the new Stuffed Cheeze-It Pizza, which debuted at Pizza Hut last week and was heavily advertised throughout games this weekend:

It really takes some guts for the company to claim this is “pizza” when it only has one of the key ingredients. There’s no pizza dough and the sauce comes in a separate container. No, it’s more like a cross between a flat mozzarella stick and a memory foam throw pillow. Unfortunately for those who were flimflammed into spending $7.49 for four of these, the pale white contents taste more like the pillow.

In summary, we are doomed as a society.

** Headline: Referee Shot In The Head By Cannon During College Football Game

In summary, we are doomed as a society.

The New Jersey Jets travel to Philadelphia this week to take on the Eagles in the second match-up of the teams this season. The first was a disheartening loss for the Philadelphia squad to finish up the pre-season. What can the team learn from that 6-0 embarrassing defeat?

** Don’t let Wendell Smallwood be your leading rusher — He carried the ball seven times in that game for 23 yds. He’s no longer with the Eagles, butt his caochin staff should be reminded to use their actual #1 back (Jordan Howard) more often than they do.

** QB Luke Falk is beatable — The Jets third-string pass caller actually played in the pre-season finale posting 91 yds on 18 attempts against mostly fifth-string defenders. Because of injuries, he was elevated to the #1 QB in the Jets last game. So if the Eagles first-string defense can’t handle him…

** Don’t let Clayton Thorson in the game — As the Eagles only QB that night, Thorson passed for 84 yds and an interception without leading a single scoring drive. He was cut by the team a few days later and is a member of the Cowboys now, so all the more reason to keep him away from the field.

** There is a Jets player named Trenton Cannon — He’s a running back. How a team from New Jersey can let a man named Trenton Cannon play RB instead of QB is beyond me. This just illustrates how poorly that squad is coached.

** Score some points — In general, it’s difficult to win games where you are shut out. This time, they should try instead of just rolling over and playing dead.


The Cowboys spent a second-round pick on a safety this spring in an effort to shore up their secondary. So far, Donovan Wilson has lived up to expectations, performing well in limited duty. But does he really fit with the Dallas culture? Just shift a few letters around and you can see he clearly does…

Rookie Safety Donovan Wilson
** A void, a fool. Knows no serenity.

FYI, that is the first use of the word “serenity” in 13 years of this blog. You’re welcome.

** Lost again, down seven to Dad now. I’m not going to win a single week this year, am I?

** Delaware (FCS, old Division I-AA) came thiiiiiis close to beating Pittsburgh (FBS, old Division I-A) on Saturday and if they had this entire blog probably would have been just Blue Hen highlights.

** I like the Packers getting 10 days rest angry and losing a close game to an NFC East team getting to match-up against a reeling NFC East Cowboys squad this week...

Week 4 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 519.80 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 509.99 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 498.59 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 477.56 pts
5 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 467.94 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 455.05 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 433.59 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 431.93 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 427.52 pts
10 — SoccerSeasonOrphans (Paul), 408.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 405.19 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 4.13 pts

Joey is finally on the board! WR Marvin Hall, a free agent without a team when I assigned dead players to this team at the start of the season, was signed to Detroit Lions practice squad a few weeks ago and made the active roster just before the game against the Eagles. On Sunday, he had two catches for 47 yds, giving our squad of loser fantasy players its first points of the year.
Obviously this is a bitter disappointment to me, since I liked seeing zeroes next to “I love the Cowboys” each week.

But, in the interest of statistical experimentation, I’m going to leave Joey’s roster as is and see just how many pts it can accumulate. If Hall turns into an actual fantasy asset (unlikely, but then again I thought he wouldn’t record a catch this year) then I may need to re-evaluate.

In more important news, a strong week by the Josh McCown fan club vaulted me back above Ant and into first place. With Jeff just a few points behind him, we’re starting to create an upper tier of medalists above the rest of you wanna-be Olympians. Dad will insist he is close too, but he is not. It's OK, he never reads the weekly updates.

Our 5-6-7 run has been renamed “Doyle corner” to reflect the family members all group together there, and Paul and Joel are in a tight match to see who can field the worst group of players short of good old Joey’s squad.

Thursday match-up this week is Rams and Seahawks, which would be awesome to watch if it weren’t tired teams fighting it out on a work night. Get your rosters ready anyways.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 3 recap

WR Antonio Brown was released by the Patriots on Friday, after the team decided for the first time in nearly 20 years that they should have some sort of ethics or morality. But despite the sudden nature of his departure, it’s not too early to speculate whether he was the greatest New England receiver of all time. Consider:

** Brown caught a TD pass in every single game he played for the Patriots.
** Brown never recorded fewer than 50 receiving yards in a game he played with the team.
** Brown averaged 5.0 yds per rush with the team.
** With Brown on the field, QB Tom Brady never threw a single interception.
** The Patriots won every game Brown played by an average of 43 pts.

That’s a pretty clear resume of success. I just hope that, as the next few months unfold and Brown faces an uncertain future full of legal troubles, the public doesn’t forget that Antonio Brown ABSOLUTELY WAS A MEMBER OF THE PATRIOTS and the staff should always be remembered as working hard to make sure he proudly wore the colors of their franchise. When he goes into Canton (the Canton football Hall of Fame or the Canton municipal jail, whichever comes first), he should still be wearing that Patriots’ jersey for his enshrining/incarceration.

QB: Russell Wilson, 45.34 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Mike Evans, 34.67 pts — started by Mike
RB: Mark Ingram, 32.43 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Greg Olsen, 20.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
K: Matt Gay, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 22.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Shaquil Barrett, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Barrett, whom you never heard of before this moment, had four sacks on Sunday in the Bucs’ game against the Giants and now sits at 8 sacks so far this year. He’s on pace for 42 for the season. It’s worth noting that the NFL record for sacks in a season is 22, held by three different players. None of them are Michael Strahan, who has 22.5 sacks in 2001 when his buddy Brett Favre rolled over at the end of the last game of the regular season to help him unfairly break that mark.

Anyways, Barrett is on pace to almost double that.

If you had Russell Wilson in your “Who will be the first QB to pass for 400 yds, rush for two TDs and still lose a game” pool, congrats. You can collect your money any day this week.


“New England Patriots” edition

3rd place: Jonathan Jones, 0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Gunner Olszewski, -1.12 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jarrett Stidham, -1.44 pts — on the wire

Things have been going pretty well for the Patsies of late (off to a 3-0 start against three of the worst teams in the NFL) but it’s important to remember that not everything is perfect. For example, backup QB Stidham saw his first action of the year on Sunday during mop-up work at the end and promptly threw the first interception of his career, earning him the bottom of the worst performers list this week. So, take that, New England.

** Last Friday, Browns Coach Freddie Kitchens (his actual Christian name, not a mob nickname) was asked about his team’s mediocre rushing attack so far this season. “I would love to get (RB) Nick (Chubb) more touches,” was his reply.

If only someone who relay that information to the coach so he could do something about that. Oh, wait …

** The Philly Inquirer this week reported that in the offseason, Eagles Coach Doug Pederson handed out T-shirts to the entire team that read “Everything Matters,” to remind the team that little details can be the difference between winning and losing.

No word if the team has switched to new T-shirts this week that read “Anything Matters” to remind the players to do something positive on the football field this week.

** Asked after Monday Night’s loss whether he would consider benching QB Case Keenum next week, Maryland Racial Slurs Coach Jay Gruden said Kennum would keep the job because “I think the most important thing is we have to have some continuity. I can't be changing people every five minutes here.”

Keenum had five turnovers on Monday (three interceptions, two fumbles) and the team is off to a 0-3 start. If they can just lose the next three in a row, they’ll be on their way to some impressive continuity.

Saturday’s Ohio State/Miami of Ohio contest started out interesting — the Redhawks held a 5-0 late in the first quarter — but took a more predictable turn as the Buckeyes scored the next 76 pts unanswered to win by 71. In fact, the game got so out of hand that when it started thundering with 2:40 left in the fourth quarter, the referees suspended play and ended the game there.

But should they have? What if Miami of Ohio protested the move and continued the game a few hours later without informing the Buckeyes. Could they have come back to win if they took the field alone, with 160 seconds left on the clock? Let’s gameplan it:

** 2:40 — The Redhawks face a second and 9 from their own 14-yard line. They hand off to their tailback, who races up the middle of the field (where Buckeyes should be playing, but are now back home sitting on their couches) and goes 87 yards for the touchdown. Last season, Chargers RB Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run against the Patriots that took 15 seconds, so let’s assume with no defense that Miami of Ohio can do it just as fast. This leaves 145 seconds in the game, with the score 76-11.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks rush up the middle for a two-point conversion. This is an untimed down, so no time comes off the clock. The score is now 76-13.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks attempt an onside kick. The clock starts when the opposing team touches the ball. If the kicking team recovers the ball, it’s down at the spot of recovery and no time comes off the clock. Since no opposing team is on the field, the Redhawks are assured of getting the ball without wasting any time. They kick off from their own 35-yard line, pooch it about 25 yards downfield to the opposite 40-yard line, and recover it.

** 2:25 — On first and 10, the Redhawks hand off to their second-string RB (their starter is still gassed from the 87-yard run) and he takes 10 seconds to go 40 yards into the end zone. After the successful, untimed two-point conversion, the score is 76-21.

** 2:15 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-29.

** 2:05 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-37.

** 1:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-45.

** 1:40 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-53. However, all that running has started to take a toll on the team. Even with backups coming in, the handoffs and 40-yard dashes in full gear has started to slow down some.

** 1:25 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-61.

** 1:10 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-69.

** 0:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-77. They recover one more onside kick, then kneel on the ball twice to bleed out the rest of the clock. Miami of Ohio wins by one point with just under a minute to spare.

It’s a totally realistic scenario, and shows exactly why every single second of every game should be played. You never know what can happen.


Usually I like to focus on current Dallas players here, but this week the Cowboys made a surprise move to dump their former first-round pick Vidauntae "Taco" Charlton after a playing time dispute. It made me wonder — can we learn anything from former Cowboy players? What do the cosmic forces spell out in their names that help us understand the cesspool that is the Dallas franchise?

Luckily, Taco did not disappoint.

Cowboys release former top pick Defensive End Taco Charlton
** Free at last of dopes, I cry! Evil corps breed cannot choke me now.


There must be no greater joy in life than escaping from the clutches of those depths of darkness. I wish Taco all the best in his new home in … (checks notes) .. he just signed with the Dolphins so nevermind, he’s just gonna get his brains beat in and lose every week. Tough break.
** Dropped three of four AGAIN to Dad this week, putting me six down already in our yearly picks contest. At this rate, I’ll be eliminated for the season in week 8, just before the Eagles are.

** If you somehow missed the Philly fire hero who threw shade at a certain Eagles wideout during a TV interview, please take a moment to fix that.

** Baseball season ended a month ago, why do you ask?

Week 3 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 397.26 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 371.40 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.06 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 362.73 pts
5 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 350.77 pts
6 — SoccerSeasonOrphans (Paul), 348.20 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 346.12 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 340.97 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 334.71 pts
10 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 326.84 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 284.81 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

Joey McD remains off the scoreboard, but it’s worth noting that two of his bench players recorded tackles this week. I did my best to fill the roster with players that were injured or not on any teams at the time of the draft, but two of them — Bengals RB Samaje Perine and Saints RB Dwayne Washington — were later signed and saw special teams action this weekend. Another of Joey’s starters, Lions WR Marvin Hall, was on the field for the Eagles game on Sunday but did not record any stats. Still, we’re inching ever closer to the dead team accidentally scoring some points.

In less exciting league news, we have a change at the top of the leaderboard. My team’s gawd-awful showing this week (82 pts!) dropped me out of first, and Anthony’s 145 pts jumped him into the pole position. Also posting huge weeks were Mike (up four spots in the standings), Jeff (up two spots) and Dad (up three spots), while Sam saw the biggest plummet, dropping six places this week alone. Still, one through 10 feels very bunched up, with less than 72 pts between them.

Remember to get those rosters set early for the Eagles/Packers game on Thursday night, which I’m sure won’t feel like an unbearable slog after both teams had to fly across the country on Monday because of the NFL’s insatiable appetite for more ratings.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 2 recap

** Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw for 56 TDs and 6,568 yds this year (7 TDs and 821 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (55 TDs and 5,477 yds by Peyton Manning in 2013).

** Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook is on pace to rush for 2,120 yds this year (265 yds through two games) which would break the single-season record (2,105 yds by Eric Dickerson in 1983).

** Bengals WR John Ross III (who you have never heard of before) is on pace to collect 24 TDs and 2,160 yds this year (3 TDs and 270 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (23 TDs by Randy Moss in 2007 and 1,924 yds by Calvin Johnson in 2012).

** New England WR Antonio Brown is on pace to have 16 felony-level accusations against him this season (two through two games), which would tie the single-season record (held by multiple Cowboys players).

** Giants QB Eli Manning (0-2 in two starts this season, just benched for next week) is on pace to never win another NFL game, ever.

 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 39.62 pts — started by Dad
WR: Demarcus Robinson, 26.97 pts — on the wire
RB: Dalvin Cook, 25.37 pts — started by Ant
TE: Vance McDonald, 18.03 pts — on my bench
K: Joey Slye, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 42.00 pts — started by me
D: Jamie Collins Sr., 13.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t feel too bad about my TE mistake — I started the #2 QB on the week (Lamar Jackson, 34.88 pts) and the defense with the best fantasy performance of any team in the last seven years (yes, I checked). The 42 pts from the stinking lousy cheating Patriots included seven sacks, four interceptions, two defensive TDs and zero pts allowed. In other news, the Dolphins offense is not good.

Mahomes gets the top QB scoring spot for his one quarter of work this week. The Chiefs scored all of their 28 pts in the second quarter, all on long TD passes by the reigning MVP. On the CBS broadcast, announcer Jim Nantz said it was only the third time in NFL history a QB has thrown four TD passes of more than 25-yds each in a single quarter. “The other two were Norm van Brocklin and Tom Brady, in 2009,” he said. Fellow booth announcer Tony Romo immediately jumped in and said, “Wow, I’m surprised van Brocklin could still do that in 2009!”

Don’t try and make me like you, Romo. I'm not taking you off the "worst performers" banner.


“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Corey Clement, 0.04 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Drew Brees, -0.48 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -1.84 pts — on the wire

Speaking of that Dolphins offense...

Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw three interceptions against 11 completions during Sunday’s massacre, including those two picks returned for touchdowns. That means it’s time to once again pull out my favorite stat, the reverse QB rating.

Fitzmagic, as his friends call him, went 11 of 21 for 89 yds and three INTs passing to his fellow Miami teammates, for a QB rating of 23.8. But, if you assume he was actually playing for New England, then he went 3 of 21 for 123 yds with 11 INTs but also two TDs, which is a reverse QB rating of 43.7. And for comparison, your QB rating Sunday (1 attempt, zero yds, zero TDs, zero INTs) was 39.6. So Fitzpatrick was nearly twice as good of a QB for the team he was playing against than his own squad. Solid work out there this week, buddy.

Also, not for nothing, but Drew Brees being among the fantasy losers for the week is one of the signs of the end times.

** Headline from PhillyVoice this week, about the lackluster crowds at Citizens Bank Park of late: Why don't Phillies fans seem to care about a team in the thick of a playoff race?

I’m not sure why the author assumes that Philadelphia fans would care about the Braves or the Dodgers, or what that has to do with going to watch baseball locally. Very weird premise.

EDIT: Oh I see the column is supposing that the PHILLIES are in the playoff race hahaha that’s hilarious they’re 15 games out of first place and half a week behind in the second wild card. They need to go 6-8 to close out the year just to have a winning record. They are in no way, shape, or form in the thick of the playoff race.

** For once, NBC color commentator Chris Collinsworth beat me to the joke.

During Sunday night’s Eagles game, late in the fourth, as the Eagles lined up for a two-point conversion attempt, Collinsworth noted that “there aren’t a lot of players on the field right now who normally practice this play.” Several Eagles starters, including WRs Alshon Jeffery and DeSean Jackson, were on the sideline injured. “I don’t know if these guys are familiar with this situation.”

Then QB Carson Wentz threw a strike to TE Zach Ertz, the most targeted player on the Eagles offense. Collinsworth, realizing his mistake, quickly added, “Oh, well there’s that guy.”

** In another injury from from that mess of an Eagles game, DT Timmy Jernigan suffered a broken foot. He is expected to be out four to six weeks, according to team doctors.

Look, I’m no team doctor, but I’m also pretty sure the team doctors aren’t medically licensed personnel either. Because if you think that a 300-pound man can get back to running at full speed -- with an extra 30 pounds of protective equipment on his head and shoulders (but not his foot, of course) — within one month, you’re either a quack or a wizard. And if you’re a wizard, why can’t you heal him sooner?

On Saturday, the Maryland Terrapins accomplished something very few football teams have managed in the last 100 years or so — They lost a game despite recording two defensive safeties. The Temple Owls won the contest 20-17 despite giving up 4 points on a pair of balls tossed out the back of the end zone (once on a botched punt snap, once on purpose with no time left in the 4th quarter).

College football does not keep good stats on teams recording safeties, but the NFL keeps copious notes on all scoring, available on NFL.com. That lead me down the following rabbit hole:

** 18 times in NFL history a team has recorded two safeties in a game.
** Of those 18 times, one was a three-safety performance by the LA Rams in 1984, which still stands as the single-game record.
** Of those 18 times, only once has a team recorded two safeties and lost. That was the Bills, who lost 12-10 to the Texans in 2003 despite 4 points from their defense.
** The New York Giants have the most two-safety games, with three. But they were also the team to give up three safeties in a game to the Rams in 1984, so …
** All of the above statements may be false because I found mistakes in the NFL’s official record keeping online.

Yeah, about that last point …

In that list of 18 games, the NFL has two contests — Oakland vs. San Diego on Oct. 26, 1975, and Denver vs. Seattle on Jan. 2, 1983 — where there were no safeties. I checked the box scores. It’s just a straight mistake. So that may mean there are only 16 games where two safeties occured, or it could mean the NFL is really really lazy about recording safety stats.

For the record, back in 2004 — before most of these records were online — I wrote up for G-money a seven-page analysis of the previous decade on whether teams that score safeties lose more often than they win (spoiler alert: They don’t, unless they’re the Eagles. Overall teams won 60 percent of their games. In games involving the Eagles, teams that scored a safety went 3-6). The point is I may be a little obsessed with safety stats and disheartened that they aren’t kept better.

I also may or may not have started looking for an email on NFL.com where I could ask for a correction to the mistake, but then stopped because I thought I could probably just find the answer myself, then figured out a way to isolate the 577 NFL games in history that has a safety, then looked through about 30 box scores because I realized I had lost my mind and needed to get started on the anagram.

By the way, teams that score a safety are 1-1 in the NFL so far this year.


Dallas has six new faces on its starting roster this year, including UCF grad Trysten Hill on their defensive line. This week, the Dallas coaching staff praised him as a good fit for the team so far, a rising star within their system. Is that because of his exemplary line play? Of course not, it has to do with the complete lack of morals and ethics he has shown thus far. That should come as no surprise, however, given the clear horrors that the letters in his name spell out:

Cowboys new Defensive Tackle Trysten Hill
** I feel the crowd’s blackness intently. Very ow.
** Evil is thy wont. Let neck be a cry of lewdness.
** Tell cheesy TV: I wickedly feast on newborns

After several years of doing this, it’s honestly difficult to keep “evil” out of these anagrams. It just comes up over and over and over ...

** Dropped three of four to Dad this week, so like Miami I’m already way behind in the standings before October rolls around. I’m four back after two weeks, putting me on pace to finish 32 games behind. So that would still be better than the Dolphins, but not by much.

** When I went back to check on that 2012 defensive scoring stat from earlier, I also stumbled across a week 16 post from that season where I complained that ESPN was airing “a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football.” So apparently seven years is not enough time to calm my anger over this. Oh well, maybe next year.

** Bills QB Josh Allen, fresh off beating the Giants and Jets the first two weeks this season, was asked by a Giants beat reporter if he had extra motivation in the games because he wasn’t drafted by one of the New York teams last year. His response: “I do play in New York,” and later “There is only one team that plays in New York,” taking a shot at the New Jersey home for the other two teams.

In related news, I want the Bills to make the playoffs now.

Week 2 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 288.88 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 252.30 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 241.70 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 233.74 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 226.77 pts
6 — The Underachievers (Paul), 223.97 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 217.34 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 216.79 pts
9 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 203.48 pts
10 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 201.21 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 195.92 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

I feel like Joey isn’t even trying here...

Solid work by Jo, who jumps up to bronze medal position despite killing two QBs so far (Nick Foles and Ben Roethlisberger). She’s starting Matt Stafford against the Eagles next week, so my condolences to his family.

The Carson Wentz/Julio Jones show Sunday night pushed Anthony’s team to the top of the also-rans pile, but that ridiculous New England defense score pushed my lead even further, giving me an early 36-pts cushion (or, as we call it in the business, one Mahomes).

At the other end, Mom D is no longer in the cellar, thanks to Joel’s decision to bench Odell Beckham and his 19.73 pts and David Njoku’s untimely demise in Monday night’s football game (zero catches, one concussion).

Remember to set your rosters early, because that exciting Jaguars/Titans match up you’ve been screaming for takes place on Thursday night.