We are a mere 21 weeks away from the awarding of the Awesome Cup to one lucky fantasy coach and from six months of torment and frustration for the rest of the league. If you’ve forgotten how last year’s campaign ended, the trophy was hoisted by our newest (and arguably least deserving) coach, proving that anyone can shock the world. Will we see a new champion again this year? No, I plan on winning it all. But it should still be fun.
But before we get to the beatdowns, it’s time for the official fantasy league draft order announcement. For everyone who forgets how this scientific process is handled, here are the long-established rules on who gets what pick.
The name selection is being handled again this season by the youngest member of Fort Awesome, despite recurring fears that her objectivity may be compromised by the promise of better holiday presents. Since all our coaches can’t be here to witness the picks live, our defending champion insisted that Super Smash Bros characters stand in as proxies for everyone this round. Let this be a lesson to you all not to let the younger generation win again.
The first names go into the helmet, and the unlucky loser is:
Pick #12 — Grandmom Linda
Tough break for last year’s second place finisher, and an even tougher break for her granddaughter, who probably just cost herself at least a few games and outfits on Dec. 25. Grandmom’s representative at the event, Princess Peach, lets out a half-hearted “ha-cha” and floats away from the battlefield. The next name goes in, and the person who picks next is…
Pick #11 — Capt Awesome
Who came up with this stupid system anyway? Despite finishing fourth last year, I get the second-worst draft slot. You’d think after 23 years I’d have figured out a better way to rig all of this, but you would be wrong. My proxy for the event, Donkey Kong, stomps out of the arena angry. We’ll both have to take our revenge later. Onto the next victim …
Pick #10 — Jo
There really may be no Christmas presents at all for this child. That’s the third present-buying family member she has screwed over in this ridiculous system. Jo’s stand-in, Kirby, lets out a puff of air at the name picker’s head, but it peters out well short of causing damage. Perhaps if Kirby stuck with the theme and spit out a football instead, it would have made a difference. We push onward with the next name …
Pick #9 — Jonathan
Last year’s Awesome Cup champion laughs with delight as his representative, the robotic operating buddy R.O.B., spins around wildly. Last year Jonathan’s team jumped up five spots in the draft en route to victory. This year, it’s only four spots, but he has similar high hopes. God willing, we will all help crush that joy. The next name out of the helmet is …
Pick #8 — Sam
Sam picked third the last two seasons in a row, so maybe drafting too high is actually bad for his planning. His proxy, Pikachu, squeaks out his own name in response, signaling either disappointment or ambivalence. At least he didn’t try to join the Chargers and send out electricity everywhere. The process moves ahead …
Pick #7 — Mike
Mike finished sixth last year and ends up picking exactly where he deserves to, so maybe the system works? But still, this is another blow to the Christmas gifts hopes of our guest picker, who has now only helped out people who don’t help fill the stockings. Mike’s stand-in, Meta Knight, dangerously dangles his sword above the helmet in response. Another name goes in, another name comes out …
Pick #6 — Jeff
A big disappointment for Jeff , who finished 11th last year and should have been picking in the top four. But no matter: His rep, the dog from Duck Hunt, just points and laughs at us all. Touche, you mangy mutt. We are all fools for trusting this process. May the football gods have mercy on us all. The next victim from the helmet is …
Pick #5 — Bob
Dr. Bob and his proxy, Dr. Mario, diagnosed this draft position as less than ideal, since Bob finished 9th last year and should have ended up in the top four. In response, the digital doctor spikes an oversized prescription on the ground, sending pixelated medication everywhere. All these folks seem ready for a fight this year. We better move on to the next pick …
Pick #4 — Ant
Any had one of his worst finishes last season, placing 11th. But that helped him little in this exercise, dropping him two spots. On the positive side, though, this was where Jonathan drafted last year during his championship run, so maybe that good luck will carry over. His rep, Jigglypuff, jiggles in response. And, in the spirit of Ant’s team, Jigglypuff forgot to wear pants. Since we’ve got to collect them all, we push onward …
A big disappointment for Jeff , who finished 11th last year and should have been picking in the top four. But no matter: His rep, the dog from Duck Hunt, just points and laughs at us all. Touche, you mangy mutt. We are all fools for trusting this process. May the football gods have mercy on us all. The next victim from the helmet is …
Pick #5 — Bob
Dr. Bob and his proxy, Dr. Mario, diagnosed this draft position as less than ideal, since Bob finished 9th last year and should have ended up in the top four. In response, the digital doctor spikes an oversized prescription on the ground, sending pixelated medication everywhere. All these folks seem ready for a fight this year. We better move on to the next pick …
Pick #4 — Ant
Any had one of his worst finishes last season, placing 11th. But that helped him little in this exercise, dropping him two spots. On the positive side, though, this was where Jonathan drafted last year during his championship run, so maybe that good luck will carry over. His rep, Jigglypuff, jiggles in response. And, in the spirit of Ant’s team, Jigglypuff forgot to wear pants. Since we’ve got to collect them all, we push onward …
Pick #3 — Paul
Lucky number three goes to Paul, who has promised to be in game shape early this year. His representative, the Wii Fit Trainer avatar, nods and stretches in delight with the news. The girl child asks if we’re done yet and if she’s still in trouble. I tell her there’s no crying in football and to get the next name. She sadly draws out the next slip…
Pick #2 — Pop
Wow. Forget about canceling Christmas, because our name picker just found the jackpot. Pop finished second last year and should be picking 10th. Instead, our “impartial” judge managed to avoid his slip of paper for the last 11 rounds, giving him a massive advantage and giving herself a chance at a great holiday gift haul. Dad’s proxy, a 8-bit version of Dan Marino who somehow snuck out of Tecmo Bowl and into the wrong game, hurls a TD pass deep into the end zone in celebration.
Only one name is left in the helmet, so the top pre-draft prize goes to …
Pick #1 — Joel
Out last place finisher from 2023 gets the top pick in 2024. That’s … actually fair, for a change. Joel’s representative in the room, Little Mac, punches the air in excitement, then promptly turns pale and exhausted. This whole process has been a lot, after all. And there are still more than four months left in the season.
There you have it, folks. The draft order is set and it’s time to get your pre-draft rankings squared away. No complaining if you forget to put all the Cowboys and the remains of RB Nick Chubb in your do not draft list. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Saturday morning (Aug. 31) so don’t delay.
Best of luck to all of you in your quest to finish second.
