Fantasy League 2021 -- week 3 recap

It took a long wait, but finally kickers once again rule the league. Consider:

— Four teams won on last-second field goals on Sunday. That includes one from Raiders K Daniel Carlson at the end of overtime and a 51-yarder from Packers K Mason Crosby on Sunday night to seal their respective wins.

— In the Bills game against the Nameless Maryland Football Team, with his team down two TDs, Nameless K Dustin Hopkins kicked off the ball high into the air, catching a crosswind, which forced it down onto the 25-yard-line, where Hopkins caught it on a bounce for an unconventional but awesome onsides kick. The ensuing drive resulted in another TD, although Hopkins’ team would eventually lose the game.

— Just before halftime, Cardinals K Matt Prater, who hit a 62-yard FG last week, attempted a 68-yarder on Sunday. It fell just a yard short … where it was caught by Jacksonville WR Jamal “Spiro” Agnew and returned 109 yards for a touchdown. That, my friends, is why attempting ridiculously long field goals is never a good thing.

— Just before the end of the 4th quarter, with his team down 16-17, Ravens K Justin Tucker attempted a 66-yard field goal which fell just short … onto the crossbar, then bounced into the netting for a game-winning, record-setting score. Tucker broke the old record (held by Prater, see above) by two full yards and became the first NFL player to ever boot a FG from inside the opposite 45-yard line. That, my friends, is why attempting ridiculously long field goals is always a good thing.

QB: Josh Allen, 45.22 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Mike Williams, 25.63 pts — started by Bob
RB: Ezekiel Elliott, 24.40 pts — started by Ant
TE: Dalton Schultz, 20.33 pts — on the wire
K: Chase McLaughlin, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Denver, 24.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Byron Murphy Jr., 12.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what the stats say, Justin Tucker was the week’s top kicker.

Jonathan and Josh Allen set the high-water mark for fantasy scoring by an individual player for the year thus far with a whopping 5 TD (1 rushing) 358 yds passing performance by the Bill QB in a romp over the Nameless Maryland Football Team. Allen is being started in 100 percent of fantasy leagues this year, according to Yahoo, while Bucs QB Tom Brady — who has already accounted for 11 TDs and is worth 20 more fantasy pts than Allen — is only started in 99 percent of leagues. I would really, really like to see the rosters for that one percent.

Meanwhile, Browns DE Myles Garrett (whom Bob started) had 4.5 sacks on Sunday and six total tackles against the Bears, but fell 0.5 pts short of making this list. So pretend like you didn’t read this paragraph.

“Tie me up” edition

2nd place: (tie) Seattle, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Kansas City, -2.00 pts — started by Jeff
2nd place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — started by Mom
2nd place: (tie) San Francisco, -2.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: Washington, -6.00 pts — on the wire

It was a “have and have nots” performance on defense this week. We had three coaches (Joanna, Ant and Bob) start defenses worth 19.00 or more fantasy pts, and seven who started defenses worth 4.00 pts or fewer. That includes the three above, an impressive array of playoff hopeful teams who all crapped out in key matchups on Sunday.

None performed as poorly as the Nameless Maryland Football Team, however, which managed no sacks, no turnovers and no real resistance to the Bills’ offense. The squad was regarded as one of the top fantasy defenses in the league in the preseason. Now, after three games, they’re worth 3.00 pts, one point less than the winless Lions. So, that’s not working out too well.


** In its never ending quest for more, the NFL announced last week that they’ll be adding a Monday Night football game during “super wild card weekend” in January, which is what they’re calling the expanded first-round of the postseason.

 
That means instead of two games on Saturday and two more on Sunday — what it was just two years ago — the first round of the playoffs will feature two games on Saturday, three on Sunday and one late on Monday night where the winner will almost certainly have to travel across the country to face their next opponent on short rest.

 
However, the resulting garbage match-up a week later is a small price to pay for MORE FOOTBALL on MORE NIGHTS with MORE COMMERCIALS.

The NFL — we don’t care if you want to sleep, we’ll make you watch until midnight on a school night if it means a few more bucks.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady has joined Drew Brees in the 80,000-yard passing club — something no other QB has done.”

Well, I mean, one other quarterback has done it, and it’s Drew Brees. But, yes, Tom Brady is the first to be the second QB to reach that mark.

Look, we’re heading into a Sunday Night game next week where Brady travels back to New England to face the Patriots for the first time and we hear 19,000 times how many records he set in New England and how great everything was and how we all wish that Boston could get more championships. 

But maybe, just maybe, in the middle of all that hype, the sports media world can take a deep breath and remember that Brady doesn’t hold every record in football, and sometimes other players count too.

And then they can talk about how Brady is the first QB ever to beat his former team after winning six Super Bowls with them.

** Watching the Sunday Night Football game, Joanna looked up just in time to see the USAA commercial where Bucs TE Rob Grownkowski is “busted” for trying to impersonate a service member to become a customer. Here was her immediate reaction:

 
“That’s dumb. So he’s advertising a product he can’t use, and that’s supposed to get me to buy it? Although telling me that Rob Gronkowski isn’t allowed to do business with you does make me want to support you…”

Long story short, I think the “stupidest thing” section of this blog has started to erode our whole family’s well-being, and I will have to evaluate its use in future weeks carefully.

It’s not too early to start looking ahead at the NFL’s Halloween weekend slate and the scariest possible game on the schedule: The 1-6 Eagles traveling to face the 0-7 Lions.

Following Monday night’s drubbing, the Eagles sit at 1-2 with upcoming games against the Chiefs (played in the Super Bowl last year), the Panthers (3-0 so far), the Bucs (won the Super Bowl last year) and the Raiders (3-0 so far). They’re likely to be 6-point-plus underdogs in each contest.

The Lions have a softer schedule — the Bears, Vikings and Bengals all could be wins, but the Rams will be a loss — but after losing to the Ravens on Tucker’s 66-yard field goal on Sunday, it’s hard to think this team is not cursed.

So, if the two teams meet on Oct. 31 with only one win between them, it could be the least watchable Eagles game since 1968, when the 0-6 birds faced off against the 0-6 Steelers. And that game did not disappoint: The Eagles jumped out to a 3-0 lead in the second quarter but lost 6-3 after two fourth quarter field goals by Pittsburgh. The two teams combined for 20 penalties and 240 penalty yards, along with three turnovers.

Dream big, kids. The possibility is just one month more of losses away.


Let's pretend like tha Monday game never happened and look at some other news -- This week, it was announced that Cowboys RT La'el Collins is facing suspension from the NFL not for failing a drug test as previously thought, but for trying to bribe officials to get him out of a drug test. Collins, who was already on injured reserve, denies the charges, but is it any surprise given what his name clearly spells out?

Suspended right tackle La'el Collins 

 ** Catcall: I like stolen drugs. Send help.

You may remember back in 2015 when I pointed out that “OG La'el Collins” anagrams to “illegal colons” but did you know that “La'el Collins” also anagrams simply to “I sell all con”? Anyway, like most Cowboys, he should probably be in prison already.

** I got to pair my 2020 Fantasy Football league trophy in my paid league with a 2021 Fantasy Baseball championship trophy this weekend. A few more payouts like this and I’ll be able to hire someone to write these recaps for me.

** Keeping the good sports karma going, I swept Dad in our weekly picks, jumping from one down on the year to plus-2 against him. It should have been plus-3, but I didn’t have the guts to pick the Bengals upset of the Steelers that I saw coming. Maybe next week I’ll be braver.

** The Delaware Blue Hens take on the Albany Great Danes on Saturday. Just felt like you should know.

** FYI one of my other fantasy team names is “Yippie Kay Aye, Justin Tucker” and would you believe I did not get a chance to draft him?


Week 3 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 416.74 pts
2 — This Is Fine (Bob), 412.64 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 391.91 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 374.37 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 370.96 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 370.75 pts
7 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 346.50 pts
8 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 345.36 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 339.45 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 319.23 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 294.77 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 284.42 pts

That late garbage-time TD by Jalen Hurts to Greg Ward gave Jo just enough points to hold onto first for another week, but Bob (our top team of the week) and Mike remain close at her heels. Mom D continues her amazing climb from last place to the top four, and Anthony managed to pay attention to football long enough this week to jump up from the bottom of the charts to just 1.2 pts ahead of Jonathan. Way to pick on a kid.

Everybody else got a participation medal this week.

Don’t forget to set your rosters for this week’s exciting Thursday night game, which is … Jaguars at Bengals? Dear gawd, what the hell did you people do to deserve this? Did one of you give puppy blood to Jerry Jones as an offering or something? Who wants to watch either of these teams?

The NFL — more football is better, no matter what.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 2 recap

** Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 TD passes this season (9 through two games), which would shatter the current record of 55 (by Peyton Manning in 2013).

** Tennessee RB Derrick Henry is on pace to rush for 2,040 yds this season (240 through two games), which would make him the first player ever to rush for more than 2,000 twice in his career.

** Tampa Bay TE Rob Gronkowski is on pace to catch 34 TDs this year (4 through two games), which would destroy the current record of 23 (set by Randy Moss in 2007).

** Tennessee QB Ryan Tannehill is on pace to lose 25 TDs this year (3 through two games), which would break the current record of 23 (set by Kerry Collins in 2003).

** The Eagles are on pace to go 0-26 on 4th downs this year (0-3 through two games) and cause 544,000 heart attacks in the Philadelphia area before Christmas.

** The New Jersey Giants are on pace to lose 17 games this year (0-2 through two games), which would break the current record of 0-16 (set by the 2008 Lions).

QB: Tom Brady, 39.64 pts — started by Joel
WR: Cooper Kupp, 26.87 pts — started by Joanna
RB: Derrick Henry, 42.87 pts — started by Joel
TE: Travis Kelce, 17.27 pts — started by Joanna
K: Graham Gano, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 27.00 pts — started by Mike
D: Mike Edwards, 19.50 pts — on the wire

At least Joel and Joanna had good weeks…

Honorable mention on the top performers list goes to Mom D, who managed to collect 42 pts from three defensive player spots this week, including double-digit performances from LBs Bobby Wagner and Roquan Smith.

But neither could top Edwards, the Buccaneers S who had two interceptions returned for TDs in the fourth quarter alone. For those keeping score at home, Edwards totaled one more point in that quarter than the Eagles did all day.

And a shoutout to Packers RB Aaron Jones (also on Mom D's team), who scored 4 TDs and still couldn’t make the top performers list (6 pts behind Henry, who had 3 TDs and 182 rushing yds).

“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Donovan Peoples-Jones, -0.57 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jakeem Grant, -0.86 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jacob Eason, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Peoples-Jones (whose name if pluralized should read “People-Joneses”) has two catches on the year for 18 yards and a fumble, so that’s a less than ideal start. And Eason managed an interception on one of the five pass attempts he made Sunday, giving him an early lead for the worst QB performance of the year.

Meanwhile, the Detroit defense was worth -3.00 pts in Monday’s loss to the Packers, putting them at -4.00 for the season so far. And yet they somehow have more sacks on the season (4) than the Cowboys (2) who spent their first six draft picks this year on shoring up their defense. Go figure.


** During a FOX halftime show segment, former Steelers QB/longtime professional babbler Terry Bradshaw was talking about the Steelers defense when he veered into the new contract that LB T.J. Watt just signed with the team.

 
“$112 million dollars,” he said. “Can you even imagine?”

Far be it from me to ask Bradshaw to stretch his imagination, but he does have a net worth of about $50 million and hosts a weekly promotion on FOX where you can “win $1 million of Terry’s money.” So maybe he’s not the best person to be shocked at the money being tossed around in the NFL.

** The Washington Post’s Saturday college football preview, which I love and think usually has some of the best sports writing each week, dropped this clunker on Saturday morning:

 
“Penn State usually reserves its annual ‘whiteout’ game for a top Big Ten foe … This year, the tradition has been reserved for Penn State’s game against Auburn. Even though the Nittany Lions have gone just 6-6 in full-stadium whiteout games, all that white and all that ruckus seem to give them a certain edge: Former Ohio State coach Urban Meyer said it’s worth 10 points for the home team and called Beaver Stadium ‘the most difficult place I’ve ever coached in my career.’”

Meyer went 3-1 in those games, and 6-6 (now 7-6, after Penn State’s win Saturday) ain’t anything intimidating. It’s definitely cool, but I don’t think you can say anything more than that.

** Phillies manager Joe Girardi, after his team’s 2-0 loss to the Orioles, told reporters that “it's not how you want to start off the homestand, but it doesn't tell the whole story."

To recap: The Phillies, a team with playoff aspirations, were shut out by a team that had already lost 102 games. That’s it. That is the whole story. There is no further explanation needed.
 

Key QB injuries on Sunday

** Indianapolis QB Carson Wentz injured his right ankle in the Colts 27-24 loss to the Rams on Sunday, putting his status for next week in doubt.

** Houston QB Tyrod Taylor was placed on the IR Tuesday after suffering a hamstring injury during the Texans 31-21 loss to the Browns on Sunday.

** Wentz actually injured his left ankle too in Sunday’s loss. It’s unclear which of the ankle injuries or both are endangering his status for next week.

** Miami QB Tua Tagovailoa is listed as “day-to-day” after a rib injury during the Dolphins shutout on Sunday at the hands of the Bills.

** It’s unclear if the two Wentz ankle injuries are separate from the foot surgery he underwent six weeks ago before the start of the season, or the time he spent on the COVID list a few days afterwards.

** Bears QB Andy Dalton incurred a knee injury on Sunday that forced him from the Bears 20-17 win over the Bengals and may cause him to miss next week’s start too.

** It’s also possible that Wentz’ problems stem from the concussion he suffered (and never seemingly recovered from) in January 2020, or the back injury that forced him to miss multiple games in late 2018, or lingering effects from the torn ACL in late 2017.

Anyways, it was a rough week for quarterbacks, including Eagles QB Jalen Hurts, who needs Wentz to take 75 percent of the Colts snaps this year for the Eagles to get another first-round pick in 2022, which could help Hurts’ offense tremendously. Good to know Carson’s injuries are still hurting Philly.

The Cowboys invested heavily in their defense this offseason, taking defensive players with their first six draft picks in the spring. But it wasn’t just about a lack of talent on that side of the ball, it was also about the wrong chemistry on the team. Simply put, they weren’t evil enough. And that’s why draft picks like Jabril Cox were so key in helping establish this year’s defensive squad as a strong collection of soulless, immoral oafs. His moral character is clearly spelled out in his name:

Dallas rookie middle linebacker Jabril Cox
** I’m a bad killer crook, relax in closed jail bed

FYI, “Cowboys’ Jabril Cox” also anagrams to “Waxy broccoli jobs,” which I don’t understand, but I’m very sure I am not in favor of.

** Good bounceback for me in my annual contest against Dad: I went 11-4 on the week and picked up two games on him. I’m now down by one in the season standings. For the record, across all of Yahoo, the best any fantasy player has done with picks so far this season is 25-7 through the first two weeks of the year. So it’s not just you, there have been a lot of unpredictable games.

** Another college football dream crushed: The Blue Hens’ bid for an undefeated season ended Saturday with a 45-13 blowout at the hands of Rutgers, which is, contrary to public opinion, an actual team in the top NCAA division. Delaware, which plays in the more respectable FCS division and uses real playoffs to determine a champion instead of popularity points, still has the opportunity to run the table against its peers. But a win against a Big Ten team on the resume would have been sweet.

** Cardinals K Matt Prater nailed a 62-yard field goal on Sunday and I feel like I didn’t even see it mentioned anywhere this week. In fairness, it was only the second-longest of his career, but still …
Also the Vikings lost that game by one point when their kicker shanked a 37-yard field goal try, so it’s even funnier.


Week 2 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 275.87 pts
2 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 270.31 pts
3 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 268.13 pts
4 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 266.90 pts
5 — This Is Fine (Bob), 258.46 pts
6 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 232.21 pts
7 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 225.61 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 222.69 pts
9 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 220.71 pts
10 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 209.23 pts
11 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 204.18 pts
12 — It's All Hurts (Pop), 187.71 pts

First place stays in Fort Awesome again this week, but it’s Joanna who jumps into the lead by a slim margin. However, the big story is Mom D, who posted a week-high 168.76 pts — 105 more pts than she had last week — to vault from last to the mid-point of the standings. Another week like that and she’ll be challenging Joanna.

As predicted, Dad’s team is in last, because Yahoo does not understand how to predict fantasy success. And Jonathan’s team is hanging out in the middle despite him still not understanding what this whole game is and why he should care that the Chiefs decided not to use their #1 wideout at all this week.

This is where I typically remind you to set your roster for the Thursday games, but it’s Carolina versus Houston. If you have someone worth starting on the Panthers they’re already in your lineup, and there isn’t a single Texan you should be considering. So, um, maybe just take a break until Saturday night instead.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 1 recap

A few totally reasonable trend lines to consider after the Eagles’ big win over the Falcons on Sunday:

** The Eagles defense is the only one in the entire NFL to not surrender any touchdowns to the opposing offense since the league shifted to a 17-game season.

** The Eagles offense is on pace to score 544 pts this season, 210 more than they scored last year. Only six teams have topped the 500-points mark in the last three years.

** Eagles QB Jalen Hurts is on pace to pass for 51 TDs, 4,488 yds and zero TDs this season. He’s also on pace to top 1,000 yds rushing this year.

** Eagles WR Devonta Smith is on pace to catch 17 TDs this year, which would tie the rookie record for receiving TDs (Randy Moss in 1998).

** New Eagles coach Nick Sirianni is on pace to go 85-0 in his first five years with the team.

** Eagles WR J.J. Acrega-Whiteside is on pace to finish the year with zero catches and still be employed by this team, for some reason.

QB: Kyler Murray, 41.56 pts — started by Bob
WR: Amari Cooper, 27.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Joe Mixon, 22.23 pts — started by Joel
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
K: Robbie Gould, 14.00 pts — started by me
DEF: New Orleans, 18.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts — on the wire

Shoutout to new Saints QB Jameis Winston, who threw five TD passes in Sunday’s win over the Packers while amassing an impressive … 148 passing yds. That’s the first time since the 1940s that a QB has thrown for that many scores without topping 150 yds. But it’s not the first time that Winston has thrown for 5 TDs in a game — he did that back in 2015, in a game at Lincoln Financial Field, in a contest where RB Doug Martin also rushed for 235 yds and I was in the stands screaming at the Eagles sideline “WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH MARK SANCHEZ, YOU SICKOS.” Good times, good times.

I don’t usually highlight defensive players here, but dear gawd: Cardinals LB Jone had six tackles, five sacks and two forced fumbles in Arizona’s win over the Titans on Sunday. That’s more sacks than all but two other teams (Vikings and Panthers) in the first weekend. The Cowboys didn’t have any, just saying…

“Training camp defense“ edition

3rd place: Chicago, -2.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Jacksonville, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Green Bay, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Green Bay earned the lowest-possible defensive score this week with an impressive 38 pts allowed, zero sacks, zero turnovers and zero signs of life on Sunday. At least Jacksonville managed a single sack in their loss

Speaking of Green Bay, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers totaled 1.32 fantasy pts in that massacre by the Saints on Sunday, just hair above his backup (Jordan Love, 0.72 pts in relief) and 26 times fewer points than Eagles QB Jalen Hurts (34.76 pts). His QB rating on the day was a mere 36.8, so congrats to you! You can honestly say you had a better QB rating on Sunday (one incompletion for no yards or turnovers is a 39.6 rating) than 2020 NFL MVP.

** The NFL season started last Thursday with a victory-lap game for the Buccaneers in Tampa, the first chance for most of the fans in attendance to see their team in person since they won the Super Bowl last year. And, in the fourth quarter, with less than two-minutes left in the game and the Bucs trying to protect a two-point lead, those dedicated Tampa fans let out with a loud chant that could be heard clear through the TV broadcast:

LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS! (clap clap) LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS!

Yeah, seriously. You undeserving Tampa jerks just got another championship and you can’t even outnumber the visiting fans in the first game back? That’s about the most pathetic display of fan loyalty I can imagine.

As such, I move that last year’s Super Bowl trophy be returned, and the post-season be stricken from the record.

** Speaking of Tampa, a day before the season opener, Dan Orlovsky — ESPN analyst and former Lions QB helped lead the 2008 team to an 0-16 record — said during an interview that “17-0 is a realistic goal for Tom Brady and the Bucs this year.”

Putting aside that only two other teams have gone undefeated in the regular season in about 2,000 tries, the comment was stupid because even though the Bucs won the championship last season, they weren’t close to being a dominant, year-long juggernaut. Heck, they didn’t even with their own division. Sure, the team obviously came together at the end of the year and looked dominant in the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean they won’t have a single off week this year.

Alson, Orlovsky doesn’t know what one win looks like, much less 17, so maybe he’s not the expert you wanted on this one.

** Look, I have fun bringing you all these idiotic comments each week, but none of you pay me enough to watch Peyton and Eli Manning talk for four hours on Monday Night Football. If a network wants to let those two buffoons babble on their dime, fine. But I’ve already lost enough brain cells transcribing what Cris Collinsworth has to say. I can’t afford to attempt to process their verbal slop.

The NFL shifted to a 17-game schedule this year for a variety of factors (just kidding, it was all money) but may have overlooked a lot of reasons that the longer season isn’t better. Consider:

1 — An unbalanced schedule: Division opponents go from having only two matchups different in their annual schedule to three now. That’s a big deal when one game often decides a playoff berth.

2 — Records are meaningless now: A 5,000-yard passing season? 2,000 yards rushing? Meh. You had an extra game to get it. We’re going to need to shift to NBA-style “per game” stats instead.

3 — Nobody likes odd numbers: No other sports league plays an off number of games. Why? Because you can’t have .500 teams with an odd schedule. (Ties count as losses, so don’t give me that crap.)

4 — Something something player health: More games will likely mean more injuries, if that’s the kind of thing you think we should care about.

5 — 17 is an ugly number: Joe Montana wore #16. Phillip Rivers wore #17. Enough said.

6 — Another week of Joe Buck: An extra week of broadcasts is an extra week having to listen to him ruin football from the inside.

7 to 16 — More isn’t always better: There are nine teams in each conference that won’t make the playoffs. Do we really need to see another game of Lions football this year? Is anyone happier because of that?

17 — I have to write one more weekly recap each year: C’mon, folks. I need some rest over here.

It’s a new year but the same den of evil down in Dallas. Each year they get a new crop of rookies, and almost instantly their hearts turn to stone. Consider first round pick Micah Parsons, once a standout linebacker at Penn State, now another soul lost to the NFL’s cesspool of vice and woe. Don’t believe me? Let Parson’s own name spell it just who he has become in the last few months:

Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** I am a poor shins blocker.
** I am a iron pork belch, SOS.
** I am a sick posh loner bro.
** I am a hobo prison’s clerk.

Still not convinced? Don’t worry, there is always one more:

Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** Hi. I’m a loser con, park SOB.

Seems like even with the limited practices this summer, the new guy is fitting in with the unruly mob just fine so far.

** Shoutout to Ohio State for losing at home for the first time in four years, effectively ending their chances of a national championship, and as a result effectively ending any point of playing out the rest of the season. Way to almost hang in there until the pros started playing.

** Bad start to the year in my weekly picks with Dad — I went 1-4 against him, including losses in the Eagles game (c’mon, you were as surprised as the rest of us) and the Monday night game (where the Ravens had the ball near midfield in overtime needing just a FG). Luckily, since there are 17 games this year, I can just write off week 1 and start my normal season of dominance next Sunday.

** Of course, it won’t be next Sunday. Remember to set your lineups for the Thursday night game, which is a team without a name or a QB (Washington) against a team that doesn’t know what state it plays in or why they keep sticking with their awful QB (Giants). Should be a barn-burner.

Week 1 standings

1 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 150.14 pts
2 — This Is Fine (Bob), 148.99 pts
3 — QB Carousel (Jo), 145.43 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 129.68 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 128.22 pts
6 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 124.61 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 118.81 pts
8 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 116.63 pts
9 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 115.96 pts
10 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 93.97 pts
11 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 82.79 pts
12 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom), 63.45 pts

Since it’s his first time ever with a fantasy team, Jonathan has a lot of questions about how the league works, who he should be rooting for and who has the best chance at winning. And I keep telling him the same thing: I’m going to hoist the Awesome Cup yet again, and he should just accept that now.

With that in mind, I had a solid week 1 showing behind my NFC West stars: Rams QB Stafford, Rams RB Henderson, Seahawks WR Lockett and 49ers K Robbie Gould. Looks like I’m gonna be following a lot of late games this year.

Bob and Jo also started the season on the right foot, and Dad, Ant and Mom D all have some work to do. But remember: This is only week 1. You still have 17 more weeks (16 games plus bye weeks and gawd there is just too much math this season) to slog through before we get to the end. Don’t be like the Falcons and give up early just because things started poorly.

Fantasy League 2021 -- pre-season rankings

Football starts this Thursday and there are 18 weeks of regular season gridiron action ahead (17-week schedule, yay, yawn, why?) but sadly your fantasy team’s fate is already written in the stars. In case you want to save time this year, here’s how the race for “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” will shake out:

It’s All Hurts (Dad)

Yahoo ranking: 2400.24 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1703.03 pts, 12th place

This may be one of the best teams Dad ever drafted. Three solid RBs (Dalvin Cook, David Montgomery, Clyde Edwards-Helaire) plus a solid TE (Mark Andrews) and some frisky late round QBs (Matt Ryan and Derek Carr). So why is he ranked so low? Well, his wideouts are abysmal (JuJu Smith-Schuster as the best wideout on the team? Yikes!) But mostly it’s because Yahoo picked him first, and that’s the kiss of death. They have yet to come close on the winner for any of my leagues. Plus, I feel like Dad could have put more effort into his team name.

This is Fine (Bob)

Yahoo ranking: 2255.26 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1850.50 pts, 11th place

Each year the Yahoo autodraft finds ways to screw us over in creative and personal ways. For exhibit A, let me present Bob’s team. His starting eight looks great, with QB Kyler Murray backed up by three promising RBs and elite TE George Kittle providing extra bounce. The problem? Bob has no bench, because Yahoo gave him three players on the IR plus QB Deshaun Watson, who likely won’t play a down this year because of legal problems, and DE Barkevious Mingo, who was arrested in July. I’m not sure what Bob did to piss off the Yahoo algorithm this badly, but hopefully he can overcome the handicap.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Yahoo ranking: 2174.43 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1993.12 pts, 10th place

Jeff has a Cowboys problem. His whole season rests on QB Dak Prescott, WR CeeDee Lamb TE Blake Jarwin and K Greg Zuerlein. Could they score a lot of points? Sure. Will we reward reliance on Dallas players in this league? No. As a matter of fact, I’m considering making Jeff start at -500 pts as punishment for not excluding Cowboys players from his draft list, as most of the rest of the league did. Good results cannot come from evil acts.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)

Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1996.05 pts, 9th place

It’s worth noting that when we started this league back in 2002, QB Tom Brady was not among the passers drafted by any team that year. And in each of the 19 years since, he has been. Joel gets him this year, along with a strong core of RBs (Derrick Henry and Joe Mixon) and wideouts (Keenan Allen, Robert Woods and Julio Jones). But do you really believe Brady can lead another team to a championship this year, in the 20th season of the league? (Or, as it is more accurately called, “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.”)

Clever Team Name (Paul)

Yahoo ranking: 2330.84 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2000.01 pts, 8th place

The team formerly known as “I heart WRs” does not, in fact, have any reliable wide receivers this season. AJ Brown is facing injuries. Odell Beckham Jr. is more like Old Brokedown Jr. Marquez Callaway is the primary receiver by default on a Saints team that could be a mess. And Paul somehow drafted almost as many TEs (three) as wideouts (four). RB Christian McCaffery and QB Russell Wilson will keep him afloat for a while, but as the 2020 Philadelphia Eagles proved, if you want to win you have to have at least a few players who can catch a pass.

Bird Immunity (Mike)

Yahoo ranking: 2297.88 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2009.97 pts, 7th place

No disrespect to the reigning champ, even if he took a QB in the first round like a newbie fantasy player (Is Patrick Mahomes worth it? Eh, maybe that late in the first). Mike’s wideouts are as bad as Paul’s and Dad’s, but he took the TE craziness to a new level, ending up with not one, not two, but three TEs whose names start with H (Hockenson, Higbee and Hooper). His RB corps of Najee Harris, James Robinson and Gus Edwards could be world-beaters, but will that be enough to counteract the four players he drafted from Houston and Jacksonville, the two worst teams in the NFL? We’ll see.

The Slaymakers (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 2019.67 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2019.67 pts, 6th place

Somebody else forgot to exclude the Cowboys for his pre-draft list… Ant ends up with not just RB Ezekiel Elliot but also his backup, RB Tony Pollard. There’s no point in discussing the rest of his team, the shame of that result is too overwhelming for anything else to matter. Let’s just imagine a world where Anthony manages to win the league this year. Can he in good conscience lift up the Awesome Cup, say out loud “I have won the Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” and then thank a Cowboys running back for that victory? Or does he just pretend like that didn’t happen? This is not a good start for a team that had so much promise in the offseason.

QB Carousel (Jo)

Yahoo ranking: 2307.74 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2112.21 pts, 5th place

It’s Joanna’s worst nightmare: A team with Eagles stars when there are no real stars on the Eagles. Everything starts with QB Jalen “Still not Nick Foles” Hurts and RB Miles “not a three-down back” Sanders. Plus, she ended up with two Bengals wideouts (ew) and the entire Buffalo backfield (eh). But, the rest of the squad is … good? RBs Jonathan Taylor and Myles Gaskin are solid, WR Michael Thomas is an IR saved spot for later. Maybe if the Eagles aren’t as bad as I think, she gets her first title. Or maybe they are awful, and it’s a long, long season.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)

Yahoo ranking: 2234.04 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 4th place

I couldn’t find a real reason to hate Sam’s team, so he ends up in 4th by default. I feel like WR DeAndre Hopkins and RB Alvin Kamara could mean Sam tops 1,000 catches this year with his squad, and his #4 wideout — Brandon Aiyuk — is the #2 on my other team. His RBs and TEs are soft, though you have to love some Zach Ertz on there. And QB Justin Herbert? I dunno, maybe? Could be worse. Could be Cam Newton.

Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome)

Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 2333.33 pts, 3rd place

Yahoo said I’d finish in 10th place last year too, and they were off by 8 spots. Aside from the aforementioned double-dipping problem (I got the Steelers top two wideouts, because the autodraft really hates us), this is a solid team. Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs in the backfield, QB Matthew Stafford and WR Calvin Ridley eating up the air yards. WR Laviska Shenault Jr. gets me triple word score on scrabble football Sundays. The only real weakness here is TE Dallas Goedert, a black hole of actual value on the field despite several years of hype from the Philly phaithful. Honestly, I thought I put him on the “do not draft” list. I’m already trying to trade him to Dad for one of those RBs.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)

Yahoo ranking: 2171.83 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2401.10 pts, 2nd place

A hearty welcome to the 2021 Seattle Seahawks, who have entered our league via grandmom’s squad. Yahoo’s fun twist for her team this year was to give her three players ranked in the top 50 all on the same squad: WR DK Metcalf, WR Tyler Lockett and RB Chris Carson. I double checked, and all three of them cannot score a TD on the same play, which is going to limit this team’s upside. That trio gets paired with Packers teammates QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Aaron Jones (who can both score a TD on the same play, actually), making you wonder if the autodraft just got bored with scrolling through the long list of 32 teams. But, at least they aren’t terrible offenses to heavily invest in. (Commish note: After writing this, Mom and I agreed to a trade to address this issue. So we have our first trade of the year and the games haven’t started yet!)

Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)

Yahoo ranking: 2249.50 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2501.03 pts, 1st place

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to our newest coach. After 19 years of fantasy football, the next generation has arrived and is hungry for a championship. Jonathan and I talked about him starting a team this year after he helped pick the draft order (so no calling shenanigans) and he is ready to challenge the old guard with his new strategy of … trying to figure out who these players all are and why he’s supposed to care about each of them.

Still, given that he can only name half the teams in the league and still thinks the Eagles may be worth watching (news flash, they’re not gonna win five games), Jonathan’s team is fun. He’s got QB Josh Allen slinging it around, WR Tyreek Hill zooming about, RB Austin Ekeler soaking up the reception points. And he’s got heart, which is the most important thing in winning a fantasy league (besides points). So Jonathan comes in as the team to beat this year, hoping to bring another title to Fort Awesome, but the first one without my name on it.

Thanks again for coming back this year for the nonsense, folks. Here’s one more look at what we’re all striving for this season: