Fantasy football 2019 -- week 17 recap

 

Reviewing the last 10 years in Philly sports:

Phillies: Started the decade with an appearance in the NLCS. Followed it up with a team-record 102 wins in 2011, but also a disappointing early playoff exit. Bet heavily on Dominic Brown (bust), Maikel Franco (gone), Jake Arrieta (meh) and Bryce Harper (TBD). No finishes above .500 in the last eight years.
Playoff record for the decade: 1-2 (rounds, not games)

Sixers: Won a first-round upset in 2012, their second consecutive year in the playoffs. Then the tank started. Three straight years of fewer than 20 wins. Two rookie of the year winners in a five-year span, but only one (Ben Simmons) is still with the team. On the upswing now, but ultimately questionable results.
Playoff record for the decade: 3-4 (rounds, not games)

Flyers: Made a surprising run to the Stanley Cup finals in 2010, falling in six games. Finished first in the conference the next year but were upset in the second round. Fielded a team for the rest of the decade without anything else interesting to report. But they did introduce the world to Gritty, so...
Playoff record for the decade: 5-6 (rounds, not games)

Eagles: Won the NFC East four times (including on Sunday) and went to the playoffs five of the last 10 years. Saw the end of the Andy Reid era and the entirety of the Chip Kelly era before the re-arrival of Doug Pederson in 2016. Went 13-3 in 2017, producing the first Super Bowl win in Philly history, the first Super Bowl MVP in Philly history (Nick Foles, version 2.0) and the Philly Special. Also, Brian Dawkins was inducted in the Hall of Fame.
Playoff record for the decade: 4-4

Not the strongest sports decade, although if you thrown Villanova basketball in it gets a little sweeter (but then you have to count Villanova as part of Philly). Still, the Super Bowl parade pretty much erases everything else. If you’re only gonna get one major sports championship a decade, winning one of the most exciting football championships ever isn’t a bad prize.

Top QBs of the year:
3rd place: Russell Wilson, 391.10 pts — 9th QB drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Dak Prescott, 392.28 pts — 15th QB drafted (Sam)
1st place: Lamar Jackson, 488.18 pts — 8th QB drafted (me)

Tons of value in the QB class this year. Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was the first QB drafted but fell to the 6th scoring spot a year after his MVP work. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers landed just behind him in draft order and production. Eagles QB Carson Wentz was the 8th QB drafted and finished 8th in scoring, so good consistency on that guy.

Top WRs of the year:
3rd place: Cooper Kupp, 186.30 pts — 28th WR drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Chris Godwin, 191.67 pts — 15th WR drafted (Joel)
1st place: Michael Thomas, 242.60 pts — 5th WR drafted (Mom D)

Setting a new single-season receptions mark will help drive your fantasy totals higher, even if you don’t play in week 17. Thomas’ insane 149 catches alone accounted for 74.5 fantasy pts. If you took away all his yardage and TDs, that would still beat the full year production for Eagles WR Nelson Agholor, Packers WR Geronimo Allison and Titans WR Adam Humphries, all of whom were in starting lineups this year.

Top RBs of the year:
3rd place: Aaron Jones, 275.00 pts — 14th RB drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Derrick Henry, 279.23 pts — 19th RB drafted (Sam)
1st place: Christian McCaffrey, 380.70 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Bob)

Yeah, Sam definitely hit the jackpot here. Four of the top seven RBs went in the first two rounds, and only four in the top 15 went after the fourth round. It’s worth noting that Eagles RB Miles Sanders made that second list, finishing the year in 15th place as a seventh-round draft pick.

Top TEs of the year:
3rd place: Mark Andrews, 147.30 pts — 11th TE drafted (Paul)
2nd place: George Kittle, 147.90 pts — 2nd TE drafted (Mike)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 165.33 pts — 1st TE drafted (Sam)

Had Eagles TE Zach Ertz played in the finale, he almost certainly would have cracked this medals stand. He finished just 6.23 pts out of third place, a total he doubled in three of the previous five weeks. But Andrews broke up the possibility of the first three TEs drafted going 1-2-3 for the season. Andrews was also the key piece in the only successful trade in our league this season (successful in my eyes, since I got him).

Top Ks of the year:
3rd place: Justin Tucker, 153.00 pts — 2nd K drafted (me)
2nd place: Will Lutz, 163.00 pts — 6th K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Harrison Butker, 166.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Ant)

I’m sure their Mom’s care how they did. The difference between the first place kicker and the 12th place kicker was less than a field goal a week. Eagles K Jake Elliot finished in 20th place somehow, even though he just got a big contract extension.

Top DEFs of the year:
3rd place: San Francisco, 174.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Pittsburgh, 192.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: New England, 256.00 pts — undrafted

WOW. It’s not uncommon for defenses to fluctuate and highly-ranked ones at the start of the year to end up as disappointments. But none of the top three were on anyone’s radar at the start of the season. The top ranked defense any of us grabbed in the draft (Baltimore, #4 in the final standings) finished 88 pts behind the Patriots. Of course, the Ravens defense didn’t give up a last-minute drive to the Dolphins on Sunday to blow their chance at a first-round bye, so it’s tough to say who really had the better go of things.

Top Ds of the year:
3rd place: Shaquil Barrett, 76.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: T.J. Watt, 78.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: Chandler Jones, 83.50 pts — undrafted

Barrett and Jones both ended up with 19 sacks. Watt only had 14.5, but also eight forced fumbles, which lead the league. Ravens CB Marcus Peters won the league defensive scoring title, with three return TDs on the season. I’m sure glad the Eagles didn’t offer to trade with the Rams to get him like Baltimore did…


“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Blake Bortles, -0.78 pts
4th place: Sean Mannion, -0.96 pts
3rd place: Jarrett Stidham, -1.64 pts
2nd place: Quincy Enunwa, -1.77 pts
1st place: Corey Clement, -2.04 pts

Usually we see a lot of unfamiliar names down here on the worst performers list, but that’s not the case for 2019. One-time Jacksonville starting QB Blake Bortles appeared in just two games this year, collecting a bunch of kneel downs. Jets WR Quincy Enunwa managed just one catch for negative yards and a fumble before leaving the field with a season-ending injury.

But the one-time Eagles Super Bowl hero RB Corey Clement takes top honors this year as the biggest fantasy disappointment, appearing as a punt returner in two games and losing a fumble in each before a leg injury ended his season. One of those fumbles was in the Eagles loss to the Falcons, and provided key momentum to Atlanta. Today, the Eagles have worked through about 700 different RBs before settling on diminutive Boston Scott. But be warned, young Boston — less than two years go, Clement looked like the next big thing in the Eagles backfield. Now, he’s not even on the right side of zero.


** As if it wasn’t bad enough that Fox made the Cowboys game against the Racial Slurs the game of the week, despite it not having any independent playoff implications, the television crew would periodically flash up the score of the Eagles game with the caveat “Dallas clinches the NFC East with a win and an Eagles loss.”

You know what else? The Eagles could clinch the NFC East with a win, which is what happened. And you could have shown America a game where a team clinched a playoff spot. But great call with the “hoping for chaos” programming plan instead. The 47-16 blowout you got to watch was definitely more captivating

** Pretty much everything the refs said in the Ohio State game Saturday night was idiotic, but since this is a family blog, I can’t express my true feelings about those calls here...

** Patriots Safety Devin McCourty, speaking to reporters after his team’s stunning loss to the Dolphins, which cost them a first-round playoff bye:

“It doesn’t matter. We’ve got a game next week, we’ve got to get ready to go. Nobody feels sorry for us, we shouldn’t feel sorry for ourselves.”

I mean, you should feel a little sorry for yourself. As an Eagles fan, I felt really sorry for myself after the birds dropped a winnable game to that wretched team. And we didn’t get a chance to play them twice to figure out the mystery that is QB Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Just a few more leftover notes from the Eagles improbable division championship this year:

— Carson Wentz became the first QB ever to throw for 4,000 yards in an Eagles uniform, and the first NFL QB ever to do it without at least one WR with 500 yards receiving. He did, however, have three teammates who hauled in more than that total: TE Zach Ertz (916), TE Dallas Goedert (607) and RB Miles Sanders (509). FYI, today is Wentz' 27th birthday.

— RB Boston Scott outrushed Wentz for the year 245 yds to 243, even though Scott had 14 fewer starts than Wentz. Also Carson shouldn't really be running.

— RB Miles Sanders became only the eighth rookie in NFL history to record at least 750 yds rushing and 500 yds receiving in the same season. He did despite starting the season #2 on the depth chart behind Jordan Howard and missing much of the final game of the season.

— From the Washington Post this morning: “Boston Scott, Josh Perkins, Greg Ward, Deontay Burnett and Robert Davis combined for 16 catches on 25 targets, 225 yards receiving, 54 yards rushing and four TDs (on Sunday). The five players were cut a combined eight times by four teams since Aug. 31.”

— The Eagles were 10th in yards allowed per game, 14th in yards gained per game, 12th in points scored per game, 18th in points allowed per game, and first in the NFC East.


The Cowboys came into this season with high expectations but ultimately disappointing results. So before we put the Insult Anagram to rest for the year, let’s take just one look back at what it all means for America’s most evil organization moving ahead:

Eight-and-eight season finish for the Dallas Cowboys
** It’s final, hoes. Goodbye, losers. Fan deathwatch is nigh.

Oh, Insult Anagram, your wisdom will be missed in the coming cold months ahead. But your spirit burns bright within us all.


** One more weekly tie for Dad and me means he wins the picks for season with a record of 165-91, better than a 64 percent accuracy. It’s his second consecutive win after a three-year run by me. It’s OK, I’ll get him in the post-season.

** Seriously though those officiating calls in the Ohio State game were complete crap.

** The Seahawks opened as a 1.5-pts favorite against the Eagles for next Sunday’s playoff game in Philly, and I feel like that’s pretty insulting to Seattle. They won this match-up in Philly six weeks ago by eight points, and since then every member of the Eagles except Wentz has gone to the hospital with injuries. Maybe they’ll look past this game, opening the window for the Eagles to …

Week 17 standings

The official final standings will be released at the annual Awesome Cup presentation ceremony later this week.

Fantasy football 2019 -- week 16 recap

Alternate lyrics for Christmas carols this week:

“Here comes Santa Claus”
Here come choking dogs
Here come choking dogs
Dressed in silver and blue
They’ve got a team that’s full of stars
That always seems to lose
Bells are ringing, fans are singing
E-A-G-L-ES
So hang the coach for one more choke
Because the Cowboys are a laugh

“Do you hear what I hear?”
Said the Joe Buck to the large Aik-man
Do you hear what I hear?
Way down at the Linc, large Aik-man?
Do you hear what I hear?
A gasp, a squeak
Maybe just a cough
Coming from failing Dak Prescott?
Coming from failing Dak Prescott?

“Jingle Bells”
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
Onthe Road to Vic-tor-y
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
Score a touchdown onetwothree, yee
Hit them low, Hit them high
Watch them Eagles Fly
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
And tell Dallas bye-bye

QB: Daniel Jones, 45.28 pts — on the waiver wire
WR: Tyler Boyd, 25.03 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Saquon Barkley, 38.90 pts — started by Mike
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.20 pts — started by me
K: Sam Ficken, 13.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 33.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Chandler Jones, 14.00 pts — started by Dad

After their big win on Sunday, the Eagles travel up the Jersey turnpike to face the top QB and RB from last week. Jones, taking over for the remains of Eli Manning, threw five TDs in an overtime win against the Maryland Racial Slurs. Barkley had 189 yds rushing, 90 more receiving and two TDs in the win. All I’m saying is that it would be pretty easy for the Eagles to find a way to lose against the Giants this time around.

The #10 RB this week was the Colts’ Nyheim Hines, who had one rush for four yds and one catch for one yard this week. But on special teams, he had 195 return yds and brought back two punts for TDs in the Colt’s big win over the Panthers. That coupled with five sacks and three interceptions gave the Indy defense that inflated score this week.


“Ho Ho Ho” edition

3rd place: Michael Walker, -0.36 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Devlin Hodges, -0.64 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tony Pollard, -1.18 pts — on the wire

Hodges, the third-string QB for Pittsburgh, started Sunday’s game against the Jets and threw two first-half end-zone interceptions for the Steelers before being benched … only to return a few minutes later when the second-string QB was hurt. He finished the game with a 33.8 QB rating, meaning you were a slightly better QB this weekend than he was (one incompletion for no yds equals a 39.6 rating).

But his day wasn’t quite as bad as Pollard’s who rushed the ball twice in the Cowboys’ loss to the Eagles and had a key fumble in the third quarter to cost his team a FG attempt. In his defense, he shouldn’t have been carrying the ball in that key third-down attempt, but Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett had all-pro RB Ezekiel Elliot on the bench because, reasons.


** On Sunday morning, the Inquirer had a column on how Sunday’s game would be career-defining for Eagles Coach Doug Pederson. Sure, it argued, he won a Super Bowl, but was that just a fluke?

I guess making the playoffs twice with a backup QB and potentially three times in four years still gives you a question mark in the eyes of the ever-forgiving Philly media market.

** Story on ESPN this weekend: “Ja Morant nearly throws down iconic poster dunk on Kevin Love.”

So, “player missed a dunk” is now worth a story on ESPN.

But wait, there’s more! They had a sidebar story titled “Love has the perfect response to Morant’s epic missed dunk” which I assume just said “why are you people interviewing me about a missed dunk?”

** After a 3-6 start this season, the Kent State Golden Flashes rallied to win their final three games, make a bowl game and then rally in that game for a victory. After the game, Coach Sean Lewis was asked how he motivated his team to success after the rough start.

“These guys just kept believing in what we were building, and now we’re here,” he said.

And while I appreciate the spirit of teamwork and achievement, I’m not sure the coach really told his guys if they worked hard and stayed focused that they could build the kind of team to win the Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl. That’s a pretty tough sell.

Two of the biggest single-season records in NFL history have already fallen even before the final week of the season. On Sunday, Saints WR Michael Thomas broke the mark for receptions in a season (143) and appears poised to shatter that with even a mediocre performance next week. Last week, Ravens QB Lamar Jackson broke the single-season rushing record for quarterbacks and threw another 100-plus yards on the total this week to end the season at 1,206 (he is expected to sit next week).

With that in mind, here’s a look at a few of the records left that could be broken next week:

** RB Christian McCaffery — The Panthers all-pro needs 216 yds (rushing and receiving) to break the NFL record of 2,509 all-purpose (non-passing) yds in a single season. With nothing else to play for, expect him to get plenty of carries.

** DE Chandler Jones — Quietly, the Cardinals lineman has collected 19 sacks this year and is within striking distance of the season record of 22.5, set when Brett Favre decided to lay down in front of Michael Strahan back in 2001. Rams QB Jared Goff probably won’t be as generous.

** QB Tom Brady — The aging Patriots signal caller is within reach of the single-season passing TD mark, needing only 34 on Sunday to pass Peyton Manning’s mark of 55. Lest you think that’s out of reach, remember this is the Dolphins, who are terrible, and the Patriots, who will cheat to get there.

** Cowboys Head Coach Jason Garrett — The single season record for a coach being fired in a season is one, held by multiple individuals. Garrett may be fired five or six times on Sunday immediately following the game.

** TE Zach Ertz — The legendary Eagles tight end has a chance to break more ribs this weekend. Please don't, for the love of gawd, unless they are the ribs of Giants defenders.


Speaking of Garrett, Sunday’s loss to the Eagles may mark the end of the coach’s time with the Cowboys, which would be a shame for the rest of the NFC East, given his ineptitude. He has been head coach of the team for the last nine years, but never advanced past the second round of the playoffs. Should his lack of success be a surprise, though? After all, his name spells out his true character:

Jason Garrett
** Arrogant jest

That’s it, folks. No extra words. No crazy linguistic gymnastics. His name spells out what he is. Also, soon to be unemployed.

** Dad and I split our games yet again. I know, you’re shocked. We’re going into the final week of the season with me five games down. I’ve seen worse odds. Of course, usually when I see worse odds, the underdog gets slaughtered.

** Fox decided to send their top announcing crew (Buck and Aikman) to the Cowboys game next week instead of the Eagles, because the #2 team vs. the #4 team in a division is always more important than the division leader with a chance to clinch a playoff spot.

** Chance for Ohio State to get in the college football championship game Saturday night, chance for the Eagles to get in the playoffs on Sunday afternoon. This could be one of the greatest 20 hours of football in our house in a while or one of the worst.


Week 16 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 2091.80 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 2080.96 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 2015.85 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1787.50 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1774.57 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1771.14 pts
7 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1738.92 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1733.67 pts
9 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1731.16 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 1700.86 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1563.61 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

Valiant effort by Dad this week to get into second place, but it appears everyone who is going to pass the 2,000-point championship threshold has already done so. But who will hoist the Awesome Cup next week?

In corner #3, we have two-time champ Mike, who hasn’t claimed a league title in 11 years but has managed to cobble together a competitive squad with a rag-tag collection of Buccaneers, second-string receivers and top draft pick RB Saquon Barkley.

In corner #2, we have 2013 champ Sam, who has the highest single-week total of the year and has been a nearly unstoppable force in the second half of the season, thanks to Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott when they aren’t choking.

And in corner #1, we have the four-time champ whose wisdom guided him to draft gems like Lamar Jackson and the New England defense and whose waiver-wire savvy has kept him afloat with a revolving cast of solid RBs and WRs. Can his intelligence and charm be upset? Or are we looking at a record-extending fifth title?

We’ll know this time next week. All the games are on Sunday, so set your rosters early and get one more good week in before the fantasy sabbatical begins.

Fantasy football 2019 -- week 15 recap

 

Sunday’s showdown between the surging 7-7 Eagles and surging 7-7 Cowboys in Dallas will likely decide the NFC East (There’s a scenario where the teams can tie and then really screw up everything). With that in mind, here’s how the two juggernauts match up:

** Dallas is 1-6 against teams with a winning record this year. Philly has lost three games against last-place teams, and went into overtime against a fourth.

** Dallas is 3-7 in games outside the division. Philly is a much more respectable 4-6.

** Dallas QB Dak Prescott is second in the league in passing yards but only 12th in QB rating, thanks to a nearly one-to-two INT-to-TD ratio. Philly QB Carson Wentz is 17th in yards per game but only a few QB rating pts behind Prescott.

** Dallas had three wideouts in the top 50 of receiving yards this year, including WR Amari Cooper (8th). The Eagles have zero, but TE Zach Ertz is 28th among all pass catchers.

** Both teams are terrible. One will get a first-round home playoff game.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.09 pts — started by me
WR: Breshad Perriman, 28.33 pts — on the wire
RB: Kenyan Drake, 38.80 pts — started by Bob
TE: George Kittle, 15.43 pts — started by Mike
K: Kai Forbath, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Minnesota, 28.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Stephon Gilmore, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Thursday night’s win by the Ravens was Jackson’s fourth 40-plus pts game of the season (and he had a 39.4 pt one too). On the season, he is 87 pts ahead of the second-place fantasy scorer (Desean Watson, 363.22 pts) and broke the single-season QB rushing record. If you drop all his QB stats, he’d be the 12th best RB in all of football (and that’s with zero receptions on his resume).

Kenyan Drake’s previous four weeks with the Cardinals: 170 rushing yds, no TDs, 30.1 fantasy pts
Kenyan Drake on Sunday: 137 rushing yds, 4 TDs, 38.80 fantasy pts
Way to show up for the fantasy playoffs, man.



“Defenses we own” edition

3rd place: Chicago, 1.00 pts — started by Bob
2nd place: Cleveland, -4.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: LA Rams, -6.00 pts — on Sam’s bench

It’s not often you can say starting a defense worth -4.00 pts is the right call, but you don’t always get complete incompetence like the Rams had this week: 44 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no life. LA was averaging 14 fantasy pts over the last seven weeks. Against the Cowboys this week, they were tissue paper instead.

Shout out to the Eagles defense, which was worth zero points until the final play of the game, where a fumble recovery and return TD turned in into an eight-point week, just enough to give my opponent enough to knock me out of the fantasy playoffs in my other league. It’s bad enough when the Iggles take years off my life, now they’re taking money out of my pocket too.


** Story in the Philly Inquirer on Saturday: “One of doze games: Sixers sleepwalk up to second place … The team dozed off after a 39-point first quarter but awakened in time to emerge with an unimpressive 116-109 victory over the struggling Pelicans. But a win is a win, no matter how it looks, right? ‘No,’ Sixers coach Brett Brown said.”

Wait, the team won, right? This made it sound like a messy massacre. I’m not sure that a 14th consecutive win at home counts as something to mourn.

** During this week’s special Sunday presentation of Sunday Night Football, as the Bills drove inside the red zone for the first time, NBC talking head Cris Collinsworth gave this deep analysis of Buffalo QB Josh Allen: “What the Steelers need to remember is that he is more of a threat down here with his legs, maybe even more than his arm.”

Maybe more than his arm? What was my other option, if not that? “As a QB, the Steelers need to worry about Allen’s running ability here, much more than his personality or social media savvy.” Of course you meant his arm, Collinsworth.

For the record, one play later Allen rushed in for a TD. I guess the Steelers were more worried about his smile.

** NFL.com headline on Monday night: “Drew Brees breaks all-time TD record”

Unwritten sub-head: “By throwing one more TD pass than retired Peyton Manning and two more than Tom Brady, who will probably break the record again next week and we’ll celebrate all over again like this never happened.”

College football’s bowl season starts this Friday, once again proving that there’s no such thing as too much football. With that in mind, and with the knowledge that the NFL always wants to add more games, why not sprinkle a few non-playoff pro football bowl games into the January schedule? All the Thursday nights are open anyway. Here are a few suggestions:

“I Love LA” Bowl — Rams vs Chargers
Both of the postseason hopefuls from the capitol of southern California will likely miss the playoffs, so why not have an exhibition to show what could have been? Even if it’s an exhibition, the crowd is likely to be as lethargic as any other LA game.

“MVP Healthcare” Bowl — Steelers vs Jags
Both of these teams are going to sit out the postseason because of injuries to their start QBs. Why not capitalize on that? Bring Ben Rothlisberger and Nick Foles to midfield for the coin toss, then watch them both limp off to make way for the remains of their teams.

“Collision Auto Care” Bowl — Bucs vs. Bears
The Bucs have a top-three offense and no chance to make the playoffs. The Bears have a top-three defense and will also spend January at home. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Let’s find out. Plus, it’ll be extra fun to watch the miserable Bear offense try and score against the fragile Bucs defense.

“Aspen Dental” Bowl — Jets vs Dolphins
These teams split their two regular season meetings, accounting for one-third of their combined six victores. So it’s obvious we need a rubber match. Aspen Dental is the obvious sponsor because watching this would be only slightly more exciting than a root canal.


Mitch Hyatt was an undrafted free agent signed by the Cowboys at the start of the year who defied expectations to make the squad. How did he impress the coaches? Officially, they said it was his play in practice, but a closer look at the letters in his name shows that it was more his character that drew the staff to him:

Rookie Left Tackle Mitch Hyatt
** Flattery: Like to hit, cheat, mock

For the record, Mitch Hyatt also anagrams to “cat hit myth” which was also his response when he was charged with animal cruelty in college.

** Another week, another split with Dad. I remain five games back and our weekly record drops/jumps/ties to 1-5-9. Honestly, I cannot remember a time where we were so evenly split on the picks.

Even when we’re close, it’s usually because one of us picks up a few one week and loses ground the next. This malaise is new and unwelcome.

** The Army/Navy game on Saturday featured a huge game from star Navy QB Malcom Perry, who had 304 rushing yards, two rushing TDs and … 0 passing yards.

Navy did actually have one completed pass play, a one-yard TD, but that was thrown by WR Chance Warren. Army managed three pass completions for the game and 25 passing yards, so the would have won if the game had been played in an era where passing still mattered.


Week 15 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1943.92 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1932.86 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1899.22 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1704.11 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1687.27 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1659.47 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1639.03 pts
8 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1637.24 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1608.53 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 1603.40 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1489.68 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

There are still two weeks left in the season, but I think we can make it official: Joey McDeadaccount will not win the Awesome Cup this season.

In fact, it looks like only three of us have a chance to hoist the trophy, but what a race it is. Sam, Mike and I are all separated by just 45 pts (also known as one Lamar Jackson week). The gap between third and fourth is almost 200 pts, so it looks like we already know who are medal winners will be. But what order will they finish? Me first, Sam second and Mike third? Or me first, Mike second and Sam third? The possibilities are … well, just those two possibilities, really.

The four, five and six spots similarly could flip, and places seven through 10 are all up for grabs. It’s about pride, people finish strong and don’t tank hoping for a better draft pick next year (because that process is already all garbled up).

The tyranny of Thursday Night Football is finished for the year, to be replaced by a special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football. First game is 1pm Saturday, Bucs vs. Texans. Get your rosters set early.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 14 recap

 

Just how thin was the Eagles WR corps in Monday night’s overtime win against the Giants?

ESPN reported Tuesday that after Alshon Jeffery left the game early (and after Nelson Agholor and Desean Jackson were already ruled out), and after J.J. Arcega-Whiteside was hobbled in the fourth quarter, Coach Doug Pederson considered sending backup QB Josh McCown out for a few plays because “he's active, he's dressed, he's actually done that in a game before. Now, it has been about 10 years ..."

Despite having almost receivers to throw to, QB Carson Wentz had 50 pass attempts in the comeback victory and threw no interceptions. Moving ahead, though, a robust passing game without receivers feels like a problematic situation. Here are a few ideas for the team to consider to make up for the offensive limitations:

** Move CBs Ronald Darby and Jalen Mills from defense to offense. I mean, someone catches a long TD every time they’re on the field, so…

** Move Wentz to WR, see how he likes it when the pass sails wide for no reason.

** Put RB Boston Scott on top of RB Jay Ajayi and see if combined the two are tall enough to create a legit red zone threat.

** Maybe Antonio Brown isn’t such a crazy idea after all?

** Let’s really test K Jake Elliot’s leg, see if he has some 75-yard field goals in him.

** Whatever, just keep throwing the ball to TE Zach Ertz.

 

QB: Drew Brees, 50.06 pts — on Dad’s bench
WR: Emmanuel Sanders, 27.7 pts — on Sam’s bench
RB: Aaron Jones, 26.27 pts — started by Sam
TE: Zach Ertz, 22.57 pts — started by Jo
K: Jason Sanders, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 19.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Quandre Diggs, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Fun fact: Of the top nine fantasy QBs this week, our league only started two. Four of them (Mitchell Trubisky, Ryan Tannehill, Drew Lock and Jacoby Brissett) were unowned, and other luminaries like Jimmy Garoppolo and Philip Rivers were riding the pine. But none matched the week of Brees, who threw for 349 yds and five TDs in the Saints loss to the 49ers. Dad has been carrying two QBs all year, and it is tough to bench Patrick Mahomes for anyone, but at least for this week it was a difference of 35 fantasy pts.

This is Ertz’ third appearance atop the TE list in the last six weeks, so it’s good to see the Eagles finally remembered that he is still on the team.

Props to Joanna for getting two players on the top performers list this week, but that success is undercut somewhat by her decision to continue starting a benched Nick Foles in her QB spot. I still love the guy too, but it’s hard to collect any fantasy pts when you’re not playing.



“Defenses we started” edition

3rd place: New Orleans, -1.00 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: San Francisco, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Carolina, -5.00 pts — started by me

The 49ers 48-46 win over the Saints was the game of the season so far, but it also meant it was a miserable day for two of the league’s top defenses. The combined 94 pts on the field meant a combined loss of five points for Ant and Paul, both tough breaks considering how solid both of those teams have been as fantasy scorers. Coming into the game, the 49ers defense had topped 15 fantasy points five times this season and only scored in single digits four times. The Saints over the last three weeks had totaled 38 pts, and recorded nine sacks just a week earlier. Tough break.

The Carolina defense’s collapse was less of a shocker, and frankly on an idiot would be starting them at this point.


** During Monday night’s game, ESPN talking head Booger McFarland noted that Eagles DE Derek Barnett was out for the evening’s game against the Giants, adding that “he had arguably the best game of his career last week against the Dolphins.”

And Barnett did have a decent statistical game against Miami: Six tackles, two for loss, one sack and four QB pressures. So, it’s worth noting that.

However, if you wanted to argue with Booger over that, you could point out that he probably would list the best game of his career as the one in his rookie season where he recovered a key Tom Brady fumble in the fourth quarter to help secure the Eagles first ever Super Bowl victory. I dunno, that feels like maybe his “best” game.

** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt, in the post-game show, gave this poetic analysis of the Eagles effort: “In overtime, this offense that looked like butt in the first half came alive!”

Look, I’m not disagreeing, but you’re a professional TV announcer. Maybe upgrade to third-grade words next time.

** ESPN has stopped listing basketball scores on their mobile app under the heading “NBA” and instead uses “The Association” as the header and no. Just, no. It sounds like rival gang in Grand Theft Auto.

The NFL world was shocked — SHOCKED — this week by allegations that staffers from the New England Patriots might be engaged in cheating. A video crew was caught filming the Cincinnati Bengals' sideline during their game against Cleveland on Sunday. The Patriots play the Bengals next week, but have insisted the work was part of a promotion video and not to steal their upcoming opponent’s playbook.

Normally this kind of activity by the Foxboro boys wouldn’t raise any eyebrows, considering the team’s spotless history of fair play. But there have been some troubling signs in recent weeks that are calling raising questions. Consider:

** Ahead of Sunday’s game, the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms were accidentally sent to New Jersey instead of Massachusetts. NFL officials said it was a simple shipping accident even though TE Ben Watson was seen driving the truck across the state line.

** After the Patriots victory over the Jets last month, coach Bill Belichick was seen on the sidelines gnawing on the bones of defeated and dismembered QB Sam Darnold.

** Two weeks ago, members of the Houston Texans staff complained when QB Tom Brady approached their sideline mid-game wearing a DeSean Watson jersey and asking to review the playbook again.

** The Patriots this week introduced a new mascot named the “Colonial Spy” who has been patrolling visiting team locker rooms with “authentic 18th century” recorders and HD camera equipment.

** WR Julian Edelman missed four games last season after a PED suspension but everyone seems just fine to ignore that even though his previous nagging injury issues are all but gone now.

I just hope this latest incident doesn’t leave a black mark on that team’s reputation. It’d be a shame if people remembered them not for the winning but instead for multiple cheating issues.


Part of the reason for the Dallas’ squad’s poor play this year is the low IQ of the team — beyond their inherent evil, this team is also particularly dumb. Just consider one of the new linemen they drafted at the start of the year.

Cowboys Tackle Brandon Knight
** Blanked catch — Boy knows no grit
** Blander tact — Boy knows choking
** Tabled crack — Boy knows nothing

One thing is for sure, that boy does not know much.

** Split the games with Dad again, bringing our head-to-head record to 1-5-8. Dad remains five games up for the year. The ties have already clinched at worst a tie for the season. That’s a lot of ties.

** So, if the Cowboys lose to the Rams on Sunday, and the Eagles beat the Maryland Racial Slurs next week and the Cowboys the week after, they’ll be 8-7 and clinch the NFC East with a game to spare. So they could rest their starters in the final week of the season to prep for the playoffs.

And then the four horsemen will ride in and dispense justice upon the world.

** Ohio State was the #1 team in football on Friday, won the Big Ten championship by 13 points on Saturday, fell to #2 in the polls on Sunday and opened as a three-point underdog to #3 Clemson on Monday. Because college football doesn’t ever make any sense.


Week 14 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1806.78 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1796.88 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1733.42 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1588.72 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1577.76 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1555.21 pts
7 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1540.10 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1510.51 pts
9 — Philly Special (Jo), 1509.47 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1464.03 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1358.69 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

And just like that, my lead is gone. Sam posted a monster 171-plus-pts week to jump ahead of me and be the first team over the 1800-pts plateau. Starting Alshon Jeffery and his 0.00 fantasy pts this week did not help my squad in the end.

Sam and I are both starting to pull away from Mike, and then there is a gigantic gulf between the medal winners and the second tier. Fewer than 80 pts separate fourth place from ninth, though, so we could see some interesting shakeups down the stretch.

Thursday night game is Ravens at Jets, which means a quick turnaround for the injured Lamar Jackson, which means he probably won’t play and the NFL’s stupid mid-week game policy will screw over thousands of fantasy owners in their playoffs. Great move, guys. Really loving this constant money grab.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 13 recap

 

Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick made NFL history on Sunday by starting against an opponent (the Eagles) for the 7th time in his career with seven different teams. In honor of his bizarre achievement, let’s take a look back at his career:

** For his career, Fitzpatrick has a 39.3 win percentage in games in which he has started. But against the Eagles, he’s 3-3-1.

** As a starter the last two seasons with the Dolphins and Bucs, Fitzpatrick has posted a miserable 5-11 record. But against the Eagles, he is 2-0.

** For his career, Fitzpatrick has 15 more turnovers than TDs (221 passing and rushing TDs vs. 236 INTs and fumbles.) But against the Eagles on Sunday, he had 3 TDs and one turnover (on the first play of the game).

** On the season, Fitzpatrick’s offense had averaged 16.4 points a game coming into Sunday. But against the Eagles on Sunday, the offense scored 37 points, their most of the season.

** For his career, Fitzpatrick is a joke. But against the Eagles, he’s a Pro-Bowler, because the Eagles are a joke right now.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 36.12 pts — started by Joel
WR: DeVante Parker, 26.10 pts — started by Paul
RB: James White, 30.43 pts — on Bob’s bench
TE: Tyler Higbee, 16.63 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 17.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Tampa Bay, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Devin White, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Did you know that Eagles WR Alshon Jeffery was the #2 wideout on the week, with nine catches for 137 yds and a TD? Of course you didn’t, because Parker’s 159-yds, two-TD performance against the Eagles completely outshined him.

Did you know that Tampa Bay’s defense has scored more fantasy points in the last two weeks (40 pts in wins over Jacksonville and Atlanta) than they did in their previous nine games (34 pts)? Of course you didn’t, because no one watches Tampa Bay games.



“Really bad” edition

3rd place: Trevor Davis, -1.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Foles, -1.98 pts — on the wire
1st place: Troymaine Pope, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The start of December was not kind to St. Nick, who had three turnovers in the first half against Tampa Bay (all of which turned into Bucs TDs) and was benched at halftime to make way for rookie sensation Gardner Mishnew (who was only slightly better). Jacksonville has not won a game yet this season in which Foles has played a down, and he has more turnovers on the year than he does TD passes (four vs. three).

This time last year, Foles was gearing up to lead the Eagles on a surprise playoff push that included a 471-yard, 4 TD performance against a playoff-bound Houston squad. On Monday, Foles lost his starting job in Jacksonville for the rest of the year, as the coaching staff announced they’ll go with Mishnew instead. That’s a rough 12-month difference there.


** Eagles QB Carson Wentz said this in the post-game press conference on Sunday: “I believe in the defense. I believe in the offense. I think we’re going to get this thing going in the right direction.”

No, no, and no.

** Eagles Coach Doug Pederson in the post-game press conference on Sunday: “We’re still a good football team. ... We self-destructed in a couple areas today and that hurt us.”

In fairness, the only areas where they self-destructed were on offense, defense and special teams. Their locker room clean-up was fine.

** There has been a Twitter fantasy football ad in my feed for weeks that states “If Sammy Watkins can stay healthy, look out!” And then it plays a video about fantasy football advice.

Here are Watkins stats over the last four weeks that the ad has been running: five catches for 39 yds, two catches for 26 yds, bye week, zero catches for zero yds.

I think I’m done looking out, guys.

ESPN made an interesting point on Monday night (I know, I’m as shocked as you are) that the 2012 NFL draft, which was supposed to be one of the top-heavy QB classes in memory, actually had more talent in the later round QBs than the first-rounders. Consider:

1st rounders: Andrew Luck (Pro Bowler, now retired), Robert Griffin (Pro Bowler, now a backup), Ryan Tannehill (marginal starter), Brandon Weeden (sub-marginal starter).
Notable later QBs: Russell Wilson (3rd round, Super Bowl MVP), Nick Foles (3rd, Super Bowl MVP), Kirk Cousins (Pro Bowler)

Which got me to thinking … how often does that happen? Let’s go back a few years and see.

2017 firsts: Mitchell Trubisky, Patrick Mahomes, DeShaun Watson
Notable later QBs: DeShone Kizer (2nd), Nathan Peterman (5th)
Pretty easy call here. Mahomes won the MVP last year, Watson is a threat to win it this year. The other round guys are forgettable.

2016 firsts: Jared Goff, Caron Wentz, Paxton Lynch
Notable later QBs: Jacoby Brissett (3rd), Dak Prescott (4th), Kevin Hogan (5th)
Tougher call. Goff and Wentz have been great at times, but Prescott and Brissett may be passing them already. You’d have to go with the later-round value here.

2015 firsts: Jameis Winston, Marcus Mariota
Notable later QBs: Trevor Siemian (7th)
The first rounders get it here, but this entire class is pretty awful.

2014 firsts: Blake Bortles, Johnny Manziel, Teddy Bridgewater
Notable later QBs: Derek Carr (2nd), Jimmy Garoppolo (2nd), AJ McCarron (5th)
None of the first round guys are still playing. Carr and Garoppolo and both playing and winning at the moment.

2013 firsts: EJ Manuel
Notable later QBs: Geno Smith (2nd), Matt Barkley (4th), Landry Jones (4th)
Truly, this was the worst QB class in memory. Let us never speak of it again.

2011 firsts: Cam Netwon, Jake Locker, Blaine Gabbert, Christian Ponder
Notable later QBs: Andy Dalton (2nd), Colin Kaepernick (2nd), Tyrod Taylor (6th)
Newton alone wins this year for the first-rounders, but absent him this would easily go to the later guys.

2010 firsts: Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow
Notable later QBs: Jimmy Clausen (2nd), Colt McCoy (3rd), Mike Kafka (4th), John Skelton (5th)
Honestly, I’m not sure there is a difference between Bradford and McCoy. And with Kafka and Skelton at least getting a bunch of starts, I’d at least make this a push.

2009 firsts: Matt Stafford, Mark Sanchez, Josh Freeman
Notable later QBs: Pat White (2nd), Nate Davis (5th), Curtis Painter (6th)
I’m honestly not sure if any of those later round guys ever started a game. Make fun of Sanchez, but he at least was good for a couple of years. Oh yeah and Stafford passes for 4,000 yards annually.

2008 firsts: Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco
Notable later QBs: Chad Henne (2nd), Josh Johnson (5th), Matt Flynn (7th)
A Super Bowl MVP and regular season MVP for the first group, and a handful of forgettable starts for the second group.

So, what have we learned here? Over a decade stretch, the first-rounders go 5-3-2 against the other rounds. I count 10 reliable, good starters among the first-rounders and eight among the other rounds.

I dunno. I’m not sure I’d put a lot of money on Tua Tagovailoa and Joe Burrow becoming NFL stars in years to come. But I might bet a little on a second-round Jake Fromm making noise in the 2024 playoffs…


Not a lot of good news on the football front this weekend, but one bright spot was the Bills’ surprising victory over the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, leaving the NFC East in complete free-fall. None of the teams in the division have winning records after 13 weeks of play. But what does the shocking loss mean for us as a people? Luckily, the magic letters tell us the meaning behind the results:

Cowboys upset in Dallas on Thanksgiving Day
** Bah! God loves you, and spanking scaly nitwits

Who are you to argue with God?

** FINALLY! Not only did I win the week against Dad, I swept him, picking up three games and cutting my deficit for the year down to five games. The victory brings me to 1-5-7 against Dad on a weekly basis and lets me start the final month of the season with momentum. In addition, I successfully called the Bengals first win of the season, so I got to share in the joy of that 1-11 team pride. That first win just feels so good...

** The Saints clinched a playoff spot before Thanksgiving. That just feels wrong.

** Speaking of the playoffs, six more teams can clinch post-season berths this weekend: The Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, 49ers and Seahawks. Also, the Maryland Racial Slurs can win the NFC East if they win their last four games, have the Cowboys lose their last four, and have the Eagles win their game against Dallas but drop their other three. It’s ridiculous, but so is the division.

Week 13 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1696.82 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1635.21 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1612.84 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1486.42 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1479.99 pts
6 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1453.19 pts
7 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1427.29 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1422.51 pts
9 — Philly Special (Jo), 1415.03 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1372.78 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1271.72 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joe McDeadaccount), 30.43 pts

Some movement in the standings, but largely to no avail. I got thiiiiiis close to topping the 1700-pts barrier this week and stretched my lead over Sam. With just four weeks left, the Awesome Cup is mine to lose.

Joanna took a big tumble this week, falling two more spots to nearly double-digit land. Ant and Paul both saw healthy jumps in the standings. Joe McDeadaccount did not score any points this week, thankfully.

Somehow there are still three Thursday night games left, none of them looking that interesting. Cowboys take on the Bears this week, so get all your Chicago rooting gear ready, I guess. A Dallas loss won’t help the Eagles if they can’t get their own house in order, but it’s still enjoyable to watch.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 12 recap

The Eagles had five turnovers at the hands of the Seahawks on Sunday, their worst total since 2013 (back in the good old Chip Kelly days). To put how bad that performance is into perspective, here are some notable stats which are less than that result:

4 — Total TDs the Eagles offense scored in November.
3 — Total turnovers forced by the Eagles defense in November.
4 — How many the Eagles have scored more than 22 pts in a game this season.
3 — Home losses the Eagles so far, against three wins.
4 — Total punts by the Eagles on Sunday, because you don’t need to punt when you just turn the ball over.
3 — Number of opening day WRs on the disabled list this week.
4 — Games left this season against teams with a losing record, giving some sign of hope for this mess of a season.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 46.26 pts — started by me
WR: Chris Godwin, 27.77 pts — started by Joel
RB: Leonard Fournette, 30.33 pts — started by Mike
TE: Zach Ertz, 18.07 pts — started by Jo
K: Dustin Hopkins, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Maryland Racial Slurs, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Vita Vea, 10.07 pts — on the wire

Jackson’s five-TD performance on Monday Night Football got all the attention this week, but don’t sleep on what will probably be the only appearance in the top performers by multiple members of the DC-area football team. Slurs’ K Hopkins hit two FGs inside the two-minute warning as the team stole only their second victory of the season from the Detroit Lions. At 3-7-1, the Lions have managed to beat the 2-9 Giants, the 4-7 Chargers and … of course, the 5-6 Eagles. That game could be what separates Philly from the playoffs. Awesome.

Hey, remember Zach Ertz? The guy who set the single-season mark for TE catches last year? He reappeared for the Eagles on Sunday, grabbing 12 catches for 91 yds and a TD. Ertz is on pace for 97 catches and 1,035 yds for the year, which is impressive considering I had forgotten he was still on the team. Also, I wrote almost this exact paragraph three weeks ago, last time he was in the top performers, and I forgot about that too.

Bucs DT Vita Vea became the heaviest man ever to score an NFL TD on Sunday, reeling in a one-yard pass in Tampa Bay’s win over the Falcons. He clocks in at 6-foot-4 and 347 pounds. To celebrate the achievement, he ate the ball.



“Defenses that once were good” edition

1st place: (tie) Miami, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) LA Rams, -3.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
1st place: (tie) Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Joel

OK, the Dolphins’ defense hasn’t been good for a long while. And the Rams ran into the buzzsaw that is the Ravens’ offense. But what happened to the Packers? This defense has consistently held opponents to under 24 pts (except for week 4, when they gave up 37 to the Eagles, gawd that team just makes no sense) but got blown away by the 49ers on Sunday.

If you had opted to start the Cardinals defense this week — which hasn’t allowed fewer than 21 pts in any game all year — you would have ended up with more pts than the Packers.

For the record, the Cardinals were off this week.

** From a new Washington Post poll this week: “Nationals are D.C.’s favorite team”

“More than one in four D.C. residents — 28 percent — name the Nationals as their favorite local team. … Meanwhile, fandom for the Redskins, long the dominant sports team in the region, has plummeted, with just 13 percent calling them their favorite local team. They are followed by the Capitals with 10 percent, the Wizards and Mystics, both at 8 percent, and D.C. United at 6 percent.”

Not appearing on that list: 23 percent of folks survey said they don’t like any of the local teams. So, an alternate headline for the piece might be “Only slightly more people in DC care about the Natinals than root against all the local teams.”

** At halftime of the Sunday night game, with the 49ers leading the Packers 23-0, sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya said that when she spoke with Green Bay coach Matt LeFleur, he was not thinking about throwing away the playbook.

“We’re sticking to our plan,” he said. “If we go away from that plan, it could get even uglier.”

The Packers lost 37-8, but I guess with a different plan maybe they would have lost by more than four TDs.

** There’s a new FOX show coming up that’s explained in the commercials as an assistant sheriff who is promoted to sheriff after the sudden death of the original sheriff and now he’s going to use his position as sheriff to clean up the entire department. But the new sheriff faces a lot of resistance, including some of the old sheriff’s allies who vow they’ll bring down the replacement sheriff.

The show is called .... “Deputy.”

I did not see that coming.

The most important part of celebrating Thanksgiving is, of course, relaxing in front of the television and enjoying some football. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to do that on Thursday:

— Turn on Fox at noon.
— Grab antacid tablets, realizing that the first game will upset your stomach.
— Watch the battle for last place in the NFC North: The 5-6 Bears take on the 3-7-1 Lions.
— Flip over to CBS at 4pm.
— Grab three beers, realizing you’ll need to be drunk to enjoy the next game.
— Watch the All-Overrated Bowl: The 8-3 Bills, who are 1-1 against teams with a winning record, take on the 6-5 Cowboys, who are 0-4 against teams with a winning record.
— Turn on NBC at 8pm.
— Grab your stress ball, to calm yourself after realizing how bad the football spread is this year.
— Watch the most confusing rematch in the NFL this season: The 9-2 Saints take on the 3-8 Falcons, who inexplicably blew them out three weeks ago in New Orleans.
— Go to bed, and hope for happier football dreams.


Defensive end Michael Bennett was a key component of the Eagles 2018 season, providing some stability and pass rush along the line. Then, in the offseason, he was traded to the Patriots. And then they traded him to the Cowboys. So, how do we feel about him now? The same way he feels, according to what his name spells out:

Dallas traded for DE Michael Bennett
** Clan add: Demented traitor feels blah

In fairness, you’d be demented too if you got traded three times in 18 months.


** Another week, another tie. 0-5-7 against Dad so far this year. Eight games back. This has gone from absurd to monotonous.

** The NFL announced its Hall of Fame finalists for this season: S Troy Polamalu feels like a lock, WR Issac Bruce and RB Edgerrin James feel like they should already be in. , wide receiver Reggie Wayne. The only Eagle on the list is RB Ricky Watters, and that feels like a reach to me. RB Fred Taylor was also announced as a finalist but was injured shortly thereafter.

** I’m not saying the Eagles are going to lose to the Dolphins, but I would not bet on the spread.

** I mean, a Fred Taylor injury joke? It’s like we’re back in 2008.

Week 12 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 1575.12 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1520.97 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1508.92 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1384.39 pts
5 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1353.73 pts
6 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1352.02 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 1350.93 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1342.78 pts
9 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1287.80 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1249.03 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1136.37 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (JoeMcDeadaccount), 30.43 pts

With almost 75 percent of the season finished, we have three distinct tiers in the standings (well, four, since Joey is in his own world down there).

The bottom bracket is lead by Paul (who’s latest name is … darker … than usual). Bob sits within striking distance of that 10th place spot, and Joel’s respectable 104-pts week puts him at least in contention for a decent push over the final month of the season.

The race for fifth place is crowded: Four teams sit within 10 pts of each other. But Mom D has established herself as the leader of this pack, with wishful thinking that she can jump up into the top group.

But the medal positions seem to have separated themselves already. Another strong week from my squad (thank you, Lamar Jackson) puts me firmly in the driver’s seat, while Mike and Sam continue to hang close. It all sets up for some interesting end-of-the-season battles, provided everyone remembers to set their rosters.

That starts this Thursday — three games are set for turkey day enjoyment, so remember to set your teams early. You don’t want to have to dash away from a full dinner spread just because you forgot about one of the Lions wideouts.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 11 recap

 

The Eagles are 5-5 and still very much in the thick of the NFC East race, since the division is by far the most pathetic in all of football this year. Consider:

— Combined, the four NFC East teams have 14 wins, the least of any division. Second worst is the AFC North, which has 17. The top is the NFC West, with 26.
— Of those 14 wins, six of them are from within the division. Three more are against the Dolphins and Jets, two of the five worst teams in all of football.
— The NFC East teams also have a combined -121 point differential this year. The second worst division is the NFC South, with -68 … almost half as bad.
— Absent divisions, if the playoffs were to start today, the Cowboys would be the sixth seed in the NFC, just barely beating the Rams in a tiebreaker for the final spot.
— The division has the Washington Racial Slurs, who appear to be the worst team in football even though they have one more win than the 0-10 Bengals.

And yet somehow, the Eagles or Cowboys will get a home playoff game in January. Because, NFL.

 

QB: Lamar Jackson, 41.48 pts — started by me
WR: John Brown, 25.63 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Mark Ingram, 20.77 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Ryan Griffin, 15.77 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Stephen Hauschka, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 29.00 pts — on the wire
D: Maxx Crosby, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Russell Wilson’s week off gave Jackson the chance to run past him in the fantasy pts standings. He’s the first player over 300 pts this year, thanks to 2258 passing yds, 788 rushing yds and 25 combined TDs through the first 10 games. And here’s your reminder that he was the eighth QB drafted, two rounds behind Aaron Rodgers (who, coincidentally, is the eight QB in league fantasy pts right now).

That’s a bit of surprise, but it’s nothing compared to the Falcons defense the last two weeks. In their first eight games, Hotlanta had seven sacks, four turnovers and a total of two fantasy pts (five weeks with zero or fewer pts). In their last two games — against the Saints and Panthers, both high-powered offenses — they collected 11 sacks, four turnovers and 40 fantasy pts. Truly, the league makes no sense right now.



“Bad defenses” edition

3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit. -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Texans loss was allegedly the first time since QB Deshaun Watson’s high school days that his team lost by more than two TDs (41-7, to the Ravens). I’m not sure how much credit he should get for that, since I didn’t see him doing much on defense this week.


** Funny sports story of the week, according to multiple outlets: Bengals fan Jeff Lanham was so frustrated with his team earlier this year that before week 5, he told his wife he’d move onto the roof of their restaurant and live there until the Cincinnati squad won their first game. She repeated the boast to a local nes crew covering a tailgate party at the event, and now he has been living on the roof for nearly two months.

Everyone has been asking him what happens if the team goes 0-16 this season, but the question they should be asking is “when are you and your wife getting counseling?” Because it’s pretty clear they just don’t want to live together anymore.

** Clinically insane former Patriots WR Anonio Brown on Tuesday took to social media to apologize for mocking team owner Robert Kraft’s entanglement in a massage parlor scandal earlier this year, saying “sorry for the bad media and the drama! Thank you sincerely.”

So, he’ll be back for week 13, I guess?

How the 0-10 Bengals can still make the playoffs:

— The Bengals win their last six games, and finish the season at 6-10 (6-6 in AFC).
— The Texans lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Raiders lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (4-8 in AFC).
— The Steelers go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Titans go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10. (4-8 in AFC).
— The Browns, Jaguars and Chargers don’t win more than two games the rest of the season (6-10 max record).
— The Broncos and Jets don’t finish better than 3-3 over the last six (6-10 max record).
— The Dolphins don’t finish better than 4-2 over the last six (6-10 max record).

If all that happens, the Bengals should win the tiebreaker if there are at least five teams with the same record. But still maybe not.

Conversely, the Bengals can also make the playoffs if every other team in the AFC is abducted by aliens. Even then, the NFL may decide to just call the NFC West the AFC and leave them out.


Longtime Packers WR Randall Cobb hasn’t been relevant in a few years, but he’s having a career resurgence with Dallas this year. Pundits have credited that to the Cowboys proficient offense, but we know the actual reason for his improved play is his embrace of the foul stench of evil that emanates from the team’s locker room.

It’s no surprise, of course, if you just pick apart his name.

Cowboys Wideout Randall Cobb
** A wounded, scabby colic-bowl troll
** A bad, uncool bro w/ blowy edicts
** A babbly, cow-suited clown odor

Randall Cobb also anagrams to “bad cornball,” but that just felt too easy.

** You’re never going to believe this, but Dad and I split our weekly picks again. I know, you’re shocked. I’m eight games down and 0-5-6 so far in the weekly contests. With only six weeks of football left, the question is not whether I can catch Dad, but whether I can win a single week.

** Ohio State had a chance to set the record for the largest road cover ever in a college football game on Saturday, but instead they fell well short of the -52.5 spread and only beat Rutgers 56-21. What a waste of a day.

** I feel like I should have come up with a joke about Maxx Crosby up there in the top performers. Like, “the extra x is for xcitement” or something. Feels like it just right there.

** Hey I just clinched the regular season title in my other league, which is fun and profitable...

Week 11 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1435.36 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1400.50 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1393.89 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1300.89 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1279.74 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1237.28 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1232.03 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1223.02 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1192.49 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1139.72 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1032.26 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 27.71 pts

A disastrous week for Mike (77.62 pts, yikes) coupled with really strong weeks from Sam and I result in a reshuffling of the medal stand. I’m on pace to approach 2,300 pts on the season now, and our three teams have clearly separated from the rest of the pack with just about one-third of the season left to go.

Mom D continues to put up strong numbers despite some questionable roster moves (like dumping her entire RB corps). Jeff appears to have locked up the race for the fewest roster moves this season (one so far, compared to 25 for me). Dad’s strong week almost pulled him to the top half of the standings. And Joey McDeadaccount continues to pick up a few points each week, making my blood pressure rise.

Colts at Texans for the Thursday night game this week, which is also the last week of byes for the season. After this, the only mistakes on your weekly roster will be of your own doing, not the NFL’s abrupt rest schedule. So plan accordingly.